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Cheater Goggles

mrNiceGuyOne thing that never ceases to amaze me, in all the letters I receive, and all the chump/cheater stories I read, is how cheaters so universally think they are devastatingly sexy.

Now, given the law of averages, I’m sure some cheaters are, in fact, devastatingly sexy. But the majority are not. I mean, the majority of any of us cannot be perfect specimens, but for some reason cheaters — cheater who are trolls, cheaters with goiters, cheaters carrying 200 extra pounds, cheaters with back hair, limp-dick cheaters, cheaters with saggy pendulous breasts, cheaters with neck tattoos, cheaters with deformities, hunchback cheaters, clubfoot cheaters, cheaters with puss-infected sores, cheaters with gout, cheaters with male pattern baldness, cheaters with pink eye, cheaters with saddlebags, pock-marked cheaters, amputee cheaters, frizzy-haired cheaters, Stephen-Hawking-in-a-Fucking-Wheelchair cheaters — believe they are irresistibly attractive.

Catnip! Femme fatales! Ricco Suave!

How do I know this? Evidence! I’m sure all you chumps have uncovered evidence of affairs, seen the sexts, and thought “WTF?” and then “Ewwww.”

Anthony Weiner and his dick pix, case in point. What possesses a man who looks like a sunken-chested marmot to think women want to see his Y-fronts? That’s some delusional confidence you have there, Sir.

My husband does employment law and you should see the sexual harassment cases. Some skeevy guy sends pictures of his butt to a coworker — a middle-age butt, a butt with visible cellulite, a butt that is probably a butt best kept to one’s self. And yet somehow this person was brazen enough to think that some poor woman would be overcome with lust by the sight of it. WTF narcissists? What are you THINKING?!

I think they’re thinking it occasionally works. You send enough ugly butt pictures to enough women, you eventually find the weak antelope in the herd who will take you up on it, if you’re not brought up on harassment charges first.

Look, I know cheating is about ego kibbles. I know it’s about how the affair partner makes them feel. It’s fantasy and limerence. And I know I am trying to apply logic to the batshit crazy, but I’d like to think if I was bold enough to try and seduce strangers that I’d have something to work with. That I was, actually, in fact, devastatingly attractive.

Because for ordinary mortals, seduction is an awkward dance of getting to know one another. Fun, exciting, absolutely. But, if you have any sense at all, fraught with some insecurities. Does this dress make my ass look fat? Will he like me? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?

But narcissists? God DAMN. No adaptive anxiety whatsoever! Consider Newt Gingrich. Multiple affairs! How can there be enough weak antelopes in the herd to EVER countenance even touching Newt Gingrich with a barge pole? (If antelopes had barge poles or higher thoughts… I am mixing my metaphors…) But my point is — he is ODIOUS.

And yet Newt Gingrich gets laid. Go figure.

I’ve only ever seen my husband’s serial cheating ex-wife once. (Thank you, Jesus.) I don’t know what I was expecting, but I guess I thought she’d be more than she was — a pudgy, redneck-looking woman in magenta pedal pushers. Yes, pedal pushers. Magenta. A look no one should try and pull off. Especially a short, fat woman whose thighs are probably not her best feature. However, they did match her henna-ed hair.

It wasn’t a pretty picture. And if she was an ordinary person of good character, it would be vicious of me to attack her drunken gypsy dress sense. It would be totally un-Christian of me to think “mutton dressed as lamb” and wonder why the plus-sizes come in magenta. (Misogyny? Color-blindness? Spite?)

But she isn’t a good person, she’s a serial cheater utterly lacking in shame. (Clearly. Pedal pushers.) So hey, meow. I’m sure she’d probably have a few choice words for me. (I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. I’m too busy enjoying this wonderful man you chucked for a troll priest you met on World of Warcraft.)

Anyway, doesn’t it blow your mind the way cheaters see each other through drunk goggles of narcissism? Why yes you are the most clever, ravishing, brilliant, sexy beast I’ve ever had the pleasure of blowing in a Walmart parking lot!

This phenomena is best summed up in the exchange on the Soulmate Schmoopie video series:

“Your dick is perfect.”

“Yes, my dick is perfect.”

And here is the sad, chumpy thing — we would have loved them imperfections and all. We looked past the stretch marks, the halitosis, and the socks with sandals. We loved with our whole hearts. No drunk narcissist goggles for chumps. At least physically anyway. (We have other chump goggles — we see goodness and best intentions where they don’t exist.)

And the sad flip side. We thought we were enough. We thought raising their children, bringing home our paychecks, nursing their sick mothers, sublimating our needs, and living side by side with them each day bonded us. That they could look past our human faults and aging bits and love us back whole heartedly.

But we were traded for the delusional sensation of feeling devastatingly sexy.

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  • Chump Lady, I often have pondered this. After all, Mr. Sexy wears glasses, a hearing aid, full dentures( with halitosis), has a paunch and toe nail fungus due to poor circulation! Not to mention his very large collection of meds he must take! Pushing 60 this year in a very bad way, he has suffered a hernia since performing “new” bedroom gymnastics with his chubby lil Schmoopie and has all the requisite hair growing from his orifices! Don’t get me started on the over weight, short, Menopausal POS he took up with! Guess when you “hook up”
    On Facebook with your Twu wuv (read: I’m available to meet you in a hotel room cause my husband travels and I’m willing to screw total strangers) you get what you get! Oh! This wild thing called “love” that just grabs ahold of them after
    Three days of screwing each other!

    • Thanks, CL! I was laughing and saying “preach on sister” while reading this until I got to the last 2 paragraphs. Then I realized there it all was…summed up perfectly! Thanks once again! Love ya, CL! Hugs to Chump Nation.

    • sadly my WH is physically and financially fit. no debt. handsome, has a nice head of hair. lovely teeth, think of a handsome john macenroe. great lover. always joked about if he ever had an affair he would trade up and he did…. all young fit hookers/escorts and his pretty woman (or hook up on some meeting site) that became a long term something. I fit the other scenario… sagging everything. not fat, not ugly, just aging. I am fit. but no longer 20-30. but at least no hair growing out of my ears. he does have that. so freaking depressing. I would be able to laugh if they were old fat bags of jello flesh and thunder thighs but no…

      • Older, uglier, no class, uneducated, barely literate serial cheater. That was the mow. It’s awful any way you serve it up. The difference is we are beautiful through and through, and they are hollow chocolate Easter bunnies. Very disappointing once you crack them open. And that doesn’t age well. My h is handsome and well dressed and successful. And he chose a butt ugly mouth breather, go figure. Ugly always rises to the surface no matter what, just like good does. A young pretty whore turns into a 50 yr old who blows her boss in a cheap hotel. It’s not sexy for either party, lol. Our window of good doesn’t ever slam down.

      • Willowchump, you do know that it does not matter how good looking or charming he is. He is a whoremonger. Pretty name. Also, remember that Ted Bundy was good looking and a charmer. One of the happiest marriages I know is between a beautiful woman and a homely man, who has a beautiful soul. Goodness trumps good looking every time.

      • Honey, one thing I can guarantee…. is that eventually the outside will match the inside. Folks who practice selfishness and deceit as a lifestyle,,….. trust me it catches up with them. How do I know? I watched my parents, both of them malignant narcissists, both of whom were very attractive people when they were young, melt into there true repulsive selves as they got older…..not a pretty sight. No one can beat age and the inner person starts to show, sooner or later…..

      • Oh WillowChump-I understand how you feel. I’m sure that all the barely legal hookers/escorts/massage parlor workers that stbx is/has been seeing are far younger and prettier than I am. Stbx isn’t good looking but now gives the appearance of money which makes the gold diggers & young girls come running. I know he will be quick to shack up with one of the pay-for-play girls because he can’t be alone…………saddest thing for me is knowing that my son’s future step-mom will be an underage sex worker.

      • Willow I agree with the posters above and include the saying “Pretty is as Pretty does.” Or I guess in this case of your ex “Ugly is as ugly does.” Let’s face it, his actions will catch up to him and it won’t matter how good looking he is, anybody who sees him for what he truly is won’t touch him with a ten foot pole. By the time his karma catches up with him, you will be past the point of caring.

      • The effects of plastic surgery won’t last forever, and when it fails, it will crash and burn.
        Ten bucks says his whores are doing precisely that.
        Also, who the fuck decent cares about outside looks anyway? Its what inside, and between the ears, that counts – and I can bet with certainty he has neither personality nor true intellect.

      • Willow, everyone on the planet is aging. Maybe you are dead accurate in your evaluation of his level of attractiveness, but it’s likely that you are hyper-aware of your own changes as you age. Let’s think about the Tiffany window metaphor. Those windows are old. I watch HGTV shows and feel amazed that perfectly lovely older homes must be gutted and “updated” because they are “dated.” Of course you are older. So is your H. The difference is that he is showing his age less externally, as you see it, but his character is impaired. I’ll take my aging face and my good character any day. Think about how much your view of yourself is a product of your H’s distance, disengagement, and cheating. Part of being married is reflecting back your partner’s beauty.

    • Don’t send it. Your STBX will think it doesn’t apply, and that you’re just jealous. NC NC NC!! Stop trying to engage the cheater. It just gets you dirty, and the pig likes it.

    • Don’t send it – he will make all manner of excuses for how the rules don’t matter for him, and then you’ll lose your safe haven for when the shit hits the fan. And then use it against you.
      Fuck him and the whores he rode in on.

  • That website is hysterical! I wonder what happened to Moonlocks. But I guess you can run out of material. It was brilliant!

  • When he first met the Whore de Jour he told me that she was good for him and enjoyed being with him. She understood him. I said, “she likes you because she thinks you have money. You play golf 4 times a week, spend all of your free time drinking at the bar, drive a nice car, live in a great house……what she doesn’t know is you are maxed on your credit cards, have two mortgages, all cars are leased. Not exactly the story you are selling her is it?”

    Now I think of him in their tiny apartment, bag of potato chips sitting on his stomach, remote next to him, constant sports center loop, after divorce with no money singing “How you like me now!” Sorry but the bitch deserve exactly what she got!

    • Oh yes, constant sports centre loop! Our whole married life was dictated by sports. It wasn’t just a hobby, it was an obsession. TV sports and sport talk radio were a constant and then four different fantasy sports teams a year which involved many nights “out with the guys”. I accepted it and learned to live with it. I even got into some of it so we could enjoy a common interest. I supported his love of it. Trips had to be scheduled at certain times “just in case” his team got into the playoffs. I wonder how long his new “love” will put up with everything taking a back seat to it.

  • I know felt a sense of incredulity. His LT MOW is a pig in lipstick. Literally. 50 yr old, 200lbs+ of entitled selfish fat hawking Mary Kay cosmetics. When I first did the CSI stuff to understand WHO this clown was, her initial social media pic for her MK sales was a very old glamour shot. Her actual self, which she promotes heavily on FB, is a pig in a black muumuu or Hawaiian shirt playing golf- in a cart.

    Yea. Nothing too special except she is an experienced serial cheater, swinger and purveyor of “FUN!!!!” My cheater had decades long FUN!!!! and ironically too, Roberta, has created a lower abdominal herinia from lifting his hefty pig into replications of 50 Shades of Grey. Not kidding about that.

    It doesn’t matter if these people are physical attractive, there is something intrinsically ugly about them that seeps to the outside. Lack of character is ugly.

    • EWWWW! ANC you paint a picture in my mind that will make it difficult to eat today! Ha! Ha! Ha! But I know what you mean, looks wise! These dickheads affaired down big time!

      • And intelligence. Really. These people are freaking stooopid. They did their cost-benefit scenario with beer goggles. It’s not just monetary loss, it’s loss of respect too. My cheater is much more concerned about how people perceive him as a Good Guy. The props, car, house, flashy trips, are part of his illusion.

        • Don’t even get me started on the monetary loss thing! OMG, yes they are stupid as can be! My STBXH and his Schmoopie are always trying to get me to just roll over and give them everything! They can dream on! I actually saw a copy of her divorce and what she got! Stupid doesn’t EVEN cover it! She got hosed, but my STBXH tells me how smart she is! Ha! Ha! Ha! Sorry, got to go laugh my way to the bank!!!!!

  • If you lie enough, you soon believe your own press. I don’t find it that shocking that cheaters have such goggles. They are trapped in their own lies. And they already have demonstrated a willingness to choose fantasy over real life. Someone with substance and character lives in the truth. Lies might work for a season but reality wins in the end…it’s the 600lbs sumo wrestler reminding them what they did “in the morning.” Reality doesn’t go away ultimately.

    • DM, “Reality doesn’t go away ultimately”. I agree wholeheartedly! These fools know it deep inside themselves, but they also believe they are clever enough to side step that reality and it’s consequences! Makes me happy to believe in a higher power! Sooner or later they will face the UGLY truth! No getting around it!

    • I hope this is true. Shortly before leaving my EH said he was “not really a Catholic”. I believe this is because he was planning on breaking a sacrament. I’m quite sure he has not shared this information with anyone else and will attend church whenever a family occasion calls for it. I often wonder what will be going through his mind as he sits there, the ultimate hypocrite.

  • Great post Tracy! Like the others, the last few paragraphs were spot on for me.

    Here’s a story of mine that sorta fits the theme today.
    MC: “think about how your teenage relationships may have impacted where you are today in your relationship”
    Cheater (with blank stare): “I don’t understand’
    MC: “some people are shy or nerdy in HS and don’t have girlfriends/boyfriends like others so they feel the need to make up for that later in life, etc.”
    Cheater: “oh that wasn’t me at all. All the HS girls wanted me. I just didn’t have time for all of them.”
    Me and MC (blank stare).

    Funny, when we met at the age of 19, he told me he had only been with one girl in HS one time and even that story sounded a little sketchy.

    • This is my ex to a tee (T?). Anyway, gigantic DORK in high school, girls wouldn’t give him the time of day. No real adult relationships until he met me. Now he’s trying to make up for lost time.

      On another point, someone once pointed out to me that we are ALL trying to be the person we couldn’t be in high school. Haha, I joined a coed flag football team a few years back and the way these suburban, middle aged men dominated us — well obviously they were taking this a bit more seriously than we were. I guess they were either still trying to be the jocks in high school or desperately trying to hang on to the glory of their high school jock days. Is there *anything* more pathetic than someone who peaked in high school??? — Well, maybe someone who is still trying to impress the people from high school 😉

      • HM, my cheater was a scrawny jock in HS. We grew up in separate states so I’m just going on what he’s told me and pictures I’ve seen. After we married at 22, he played on a city league softball team for a number of years but after reading your post, you’re probably right – it was just to re-live his HS days.

    • um, yeah, that would be my STBX. Nerdy and unpopular in high school. 40 years later sought out the one girl in HS who would have anything to do with him. Now they’re busy recreating what “should have been”. Gah! so happy to be out of that freaky circus.

      • Well, stbx fits in here too. Scrawny skinny in high school, his own family had nicknamed him Pinocchio because of his looks and his ex-wife left in less than a year (smart girl) He used steroids to gain 50 pounds of muscle & had nose surgery before good old me came along. He used to say too bad he didn’t have more size in high school. He is goes through periods of obsessing on his weight & physique (just like a girl) and always looks at himself in the mirror. He has started taking selfies at the gym. He’s back to tanning again. He actually said to me that he wants other people to look at him & see how in shape he is for his age (47) He used to dye his goatee until it became so grey that the dye wouldn’t cover it.

        Narcissist much?

  • Exactly, SS! Mine wasn’t in debt cause I handled the finances, but he sits on his ass all day reading, listening to baseball, football etc. Watches movies, and then watches them over and over again! He just about lives in her incredibly tiny condo she got in her divorce. I know he sits around stuffing his face with garbage food, has absolutely no refined manners, so if food rolls onto his chin or undershirt, that’s where it stays! Then he’ll sleep in the same undershirt! SEXY! Old girl is in for an awakening! I’m just going to sit back and giggle and enjoy our 2400 sf plus home on over an acre and travel! Thank God she came along and solved my problem of where to dump the lump! She will find he wants to go no where because in addition to all his other above stated problems, he has severe COPD. He was told to stop smoking 2 years ago, but refused, he hates to go anywhere if he can’t smoke and sit on his butt!! If you do travel he insists that you drive so he can read and nap! Then you had better find a hotel that allows smoking in the room or you won’t hear the end of his bitching! Yeah! I wish her luck! Ha! Ha! Ha!

    • Roberta, you are on FIRE today… your visuals are killing me! If anyone has ever landed on the upside of a divorce, it has to be you. Thanks for the belly laughs this morning!

      • I’m here to tell you all I’m feeling better than ever! My Dad used to say that everything happens for a reason and I’m beginning to think he was right! Here I sit in my surgeons office and I’ve never felt better! Kicked cancers butt and in a few days will face off with the idiot and I’m feeling good about dumping his ass! Life is truly good folks!!

        • Roberta, my goodness! GOOD for you!!!

          You’re free now and it’s time to open the windows (well maybe wait til Spring) and let the good days in! It’s refreshing to hear how things are looking up for you.

      • Except for the smoking, Roberta, you described Cheater #1 to a tee. Separated at birth, perhaps? BWHAHAHAHA!

        What I notice now, 13 years after divorcing him, is that no woman, from the OW on down, stayed with his fat, scraggly ass more than two years. Seems to be the limit on tolerance of his BS.

        • Anything is possible, but these dickheads are just your average cheaters and narcs who think we owe them just everything to have the honor of their presence!! Aren’t You glad someone else is dazzled now? Good Luck Schmoopie!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! OMG! She who laughs last REALLY DOES laugh best! Who knew???

    • My belly laughs hurt with my bad back, today. Keep it down, Roberta.

      HA HA HA HA HA

      What a visual…HA HA HA HA HA

      Glad you are feeling great. You sound wonderful.

    • What is it with them watching the same movies over and over again, anyway? Are they trying to pick up acting tips? Build a personality?

      My cheater looked extremely young for his age and was relatively handsome, if you looked beyond the male pattern baldness, pot belly, one cauliflower ear, tusklike eyeteeth, and his decision to grow scraggly hair on his face to make up for the hair he suddenly started shaving off his scrotum and groin (another one trying to recapture his high school self? NOT a turn-on. It reminded me of Thanksgiving for some reason, but I felt anything but thankful!). Well, I was willing to look beyond those things for a long time, because no one’s perfect. And when he wants to sparkle, there are few who do it better.

      But the thing I miss least about him is his smokeless tobacco habit. Some men use snuff and swallow their saliva. Not my baby! Just couldn’t stomach it. So he would carry around a vessel – an empty can, a Solo cup, a rinsed-out jar – to hold his precious spit. Imagine: lidless containers of tobacco-laden spit, which he would sit on the living room floor or the dining room table or the kitchen counter, and leave for me to empty even though (because) he knew that it disgusted me. And if it got spilled, he’d just throw some paper towels or a newspaper or one of the good towels down into the mess and ‘forget’ to clean it up. Pig city.

      Writing this, I remembered: His uber-narcissistic mother came to visit us in the early years of our marriage, and managed to ruin a beautiful couch I had by sitting a full cup of coffee down on its back and oopsie! When I think back on how she blatantly cuckolded his stepfather with her ‘friends’, I’m convinced it was my baby’s life-long goal to out-c*nt his mother. We all need goals, I guess.

      • Ok, my ex used to occasionally shave his junk and I always said, idk why but it reminded me of a turkey! So gross.

  • Because there will always be some ‘schmoopie’, to endorse their self-perception (deception?). You stopped believing? Onto the next one. There is no need to face reality. Did anyone ever see that episode of 30 Rock, when Liz dates that guy who exists in the beautiful bubble? It’s kind of like that. As long as there are some poor, sad, insecure wingnuts out there (and there always will be) to validate them, they can continue to believe whatever they want!

    • HM…….you’re statement of ‘onto the next one’ is what I always used to tell my friend about XPOS! I said that I knew if we didn’t work out for some reason (pre-cheating, that I knew of) that he wouldn’t try to work whatever it could have been out, he’d just be on to the next! And how true it was.

      • I alwaya told XH that too. that if i quit fighting to keep our marriage together then he wont fight for it. as the years went on he put less ans less effort in.

        the married slut he is with makes him feel good about himself. you know instead of changing your behavior and actually working on being a better person so you can stop hurting your wife and kids………its just so much easier to find someone who tells you that you are a good person and nothing was your fault. she actually told me to “stop making him feel bad, thats all you are good for”

        i made him feel bad for telling him the truth. for telling him that he was fucking up. for telling him that he needed to step up, and he turned to her for comfort simple because she thinks he is wonderful good man. oh and she is ok with his drinking and his bailing on his wife and kids.

        i hope i never get that desperate for a man that i would encourage he leaves his famil.

  • I often sit and wonder who waxes his back hair now? He is no Chewbacca… But somewhere along the evolutionary scale…
    I remember pruning his ear hair… Back hair ….atleast he did his own manscaping. Ya…. I got him all pretty for his Tweeny Booper. Guess he is either laying out a fortune at the salon…. Or Tweeny has taken over grooming details….how sexy is that?

  • I used to think X was attractive, he wasn’t movie star perfect, he definitely had some physical flaws but so does everyone and like CL said, we overlook them in people we love, but can be quite vicious to our enemies. 😉 But after the divorce, he got quite gross, as in suddenly lacking in basic hygiene. It’s not just me seeing it, people we both know have said to me, “He looks bad!”

    But hey, since we’re on the “cheater goggles” subject, what goes along with them thinking they are extremely hot is them thinking they are dynamite in the bedroom. And…not so much. Go figure that people who are selfish in day-to-day interactions are selfish in that area as well.

    • Kira, I know what you are saying. After our separation, my STBXH, who is usually very good about showering, hygiene etc., had to be told by his family to bathe! I guess he smelled really bad!! Go figure!

      • Roberta, at least yours waited till after your separation. Mine used to come to bed smelling like he went for a 20 mile run. I used to have to ask him to clean up, after he came to bed. Talk about turnoff! And he used to call himself a sexy beast. UGH! More like just beast! And Kira, you are so right that those who are selfish in other areas tend to be horrible in the bedroom. Sometimes it was so bad, I couldn’t even fake it, I’d just tell him to get off of me….and limp-dick thought he had to share his fabulousness? She can have him!

        • Oh my, the stink. I remember one day X came home stinking. I even asked what deodorant was he using because it was pretty bad. I now realise it was someone else’s stink I could smell. Yuck.
          Oh and I hole heartedly agree with the statement that those who are selfish in life are selfish in the bedroom. Not only did my X use multiple partners for sex without connection. For years I have hated my sexlife, I lost count of the amount of times he just could not get it up or when he did being left feeling like I was an easy alternative to him jacking off. Having him admit on d’day that he would often fantasise about doing it with other guys while with me has really fucked with how I view myself.
          But it is a new year I am 14 months post d’day my divorce was granted and will come into effect on my birthday in a few weeks time. While X is currently chasing a new cover story. She looks like a dude, is an easy target and if she is willing to indulge him in ways I would not she just may make the perfect wife.

    • Mine was generally recognized as attractive, always asked me how he looked, got upset when I didn´t help him match his clothes perfectly…but he NEVER complimented my looks, even when I worked really hard to look like what he liked Now he has braces (at 50!) an overgrown beard with white hairs beginning to appear, glasses and has gained weight, while I look 20 years younger after the infidelity diet, new hairstyle and wardrobe makeover and have the awesome home which all his OWs probably thought he would get if he divorced. He now has lots of debt and all the old moldy books that used to make our house stink. He was always jealous that I made twice more money than he did. Well, his OW makes half of what HE makes, looks like a man and is about to loose her job. It will be interesting to see when she gets pregnant (he hates using condoms) and has to take the responsibility of a new kid plus the two of ours, plus his whore´s child from another man.

      “S/he who laughs last, laughs best”

      Ha! Ha!

  • XH was always in decent shape but he really started hitting the gym with affair. As his guns got bigger, so did his ego. Which meant MORE time working out. By the time he moved out, he was working 70 hours a week and working out about 15 hours a week. No time for his kids.

    After he moved out, he went on a very lean diet – NO sugar or snacks. The kids hated to stay with him, because he’d monitor everything they ate and tell them they all needed to lose weight (even though they all have normal range BMI). For Christmas one year, he gave one daughter an exercise trampoline and the other a jump rope. The message was clear: you’re too fat. He couldn’t care less about their grades; no, how they LOOK is more important. He fancies himself a Greek god; it is only right and just that his children should reflect his physical glory.

    Fortunately, the girls just blew him off and stopped staying with him. Even S12 got tired of it after a while. None seems to be the worse for wear for it, but we’ll see – teenagers have enough self esteem issues without a parent making digs.

    Meanwhile, XH has remarried, so we’re seeing little of him, thank goodness. He was born with dark hair, starting prematurely graying at age 18, and was salt-and-pepper through most of our marriage. The divorce took a toll on him – he was snow white a few months ago. But after marrying wife #2, he turned up with cinnamon colored hair. It looks ridiculous. Like vain-old-man ridiculous. Nothing attractive about that…

    • Red: “cinnamon colored hair”…..that’s a killer visual.

      My XBF POS was quite handsome…didn’t look anything like the typical 54 yr old man. Very fit, size 32 waist with full head of black hair with ultra sexy silver at temples. Many times I warned him what would happen to him–he’d reap what he’d sown. I was right. His life is in the gutter, currently he’s on 2 yrs probation for a DWI with a BAC of +15 (twice the legal limit), resulting in an ignition interlock device installed on his vehicle for the duration. I saw him about 18 months ago–man, did he look different. Face haggard, hair almost completely gray. All his self confidence deflated.

      Considering the ‘chick magnet’ interlock device on his car and my alerting all dating sites that he had profiles on that he was a convicted con artist/had been arrested many times for assaulting me and disruptive behavior in my home/his dedication to alcoholism and preying upon women to live off of, he was banned for life from all of them. With a little bit of help from me, he’s effectively put himself out of the predator business–he reaped what he sowed.

    • The divorce took a toll on him – he was snow white a few months ago

      I found the same thing Red, snow white, face haggard and nearly blue, wrinkles became very defined I guess because “the divorce took a toll on HIM!!!!!!!” A case of be careful what you wish for I think;)

    • You now… the tabloids have that Bruce Jenner and his cheating ass bag o’whores is going trans… He wants to be a woman… well he has always been a pussy. I think his first wife, who he dumped after the Olympics must be feeling like she dodged a bullet.

      • Oh hey, I have no interest in Bruce Jenner or the Kardashians, but I really appreciate that this site is welcoming to people of all orientations and perspectives. Transphobia is an enormous social problem, and trans people are on the receiving end of so much causal violence; lets keep our insults for the cheaters.

      • Sorry meant no disrespect to trans… I dislike Bruce Jenner. He was a pussy when he cheated on is wife and dumped her after the Olympics. He was a pussy when he married the OW Linda something. He was a pussy when he joined the unspeakable Kardashian Klan and I think he will be a pussy if he truly is going trans. Leopards dont’ change their spots.

  • What is it with old guys and their junk, the older mine gets, the lower it hangs. Back hair, check, beer belly, check. Of course with clothes on or the lights off all of that is a pretty well kept secret. SSSHHH!

  • I know I’m approaching Meh when I finally see my Ex as he really is. An aging Lothario who thinks he’s god’s gift to women and gay men, although he is short, pudgy, has a glass eye that weeps green boogers (that when living with me, he used to wipe on his sleeve, or on our bath towels, where yes, they looked just like the boogers from your nose)… skin allergies and not wearing gloves when he works (remodeling) have caused his fingers to bloat and be calloused to the point where he could probably rob a bank w/o leaving fingerprints. His teeth are all crooked, and several of them are gray colored now. Yet in the year leading up to DDay I recall that he was trying to lose weight by working out on an exercise bike; and after DDay I found an entry in his old calendar that said “tooth whitening?” w/a question mark so he was considering that. Over the years he would flirt with every waitress, cashier, etc. no matter what they looked like either. And current OW is ugly as sin; she’s about 5 inches taller than he (so they look like Boris and Natasha), she has calves like tree trunks, a large roman nose, and when she smiles all you see is her upper gums. OK. I’m not Christie Brinkley at 59 either. But my point is as Chump Lady says, cheating isn’t about sex and it’s not about good looks and it’s not about people’s physical appearance. It’s about kibbles pure and simple.

    I saw Ex in a restaurant last week (he didn’t see me, and he was w/ a male friend, not OW but it wouldn’t have bothered me if he was). When I fell in love with him, I’m sure now that I was dazzled by his narc sparkles and love bombing. I continued to love him for sixteen years (and even thought I still did for about a year after DDay). He is not physically attractive. And at the time it didn’t matter because I saw him through sparkly colored glasses because he was so hot for me…I’m sure this is the trick he uses with ALL the women he’s seduced including the current OW. I’m not about appearances!! but when I saw him in that restaurant I know if I just met him, or went on a date w/him, I would not be interested. In fact, in our last year or so together, I later admitted to myself I used to sit and look across the table at him and think “WHAT am I doing with this guy?” but that was actually not so much about his looks as my exhaustion with his frequent narc rages, sexual abuse, lack of financial support, victim complex, and always blaming me for everything bad in his life, which – to listen to him – was everything ABOUT his life. His whole life was bad, it was my fault, everyone was out to get him, etc etc so I do hope that OW is enjoying listening to that shit now, while staring across the table at him as he wipes his green eye boogers on his sleeve.

    • … and Chumplady’s last three paragraphs sum up the REAL point which is that we loved them anyway, despite muffin tops, baldness, etc. and THOUGHT we were being loved and accepted the same way in return; and I would add that they knew we thought that and that is the real nut of why infidelity sucks and they suck: they knew we thought that, and relying on that, they went out and cheated and kept it a secret because they knew if they told us, we would kick them out or leave them, and they wanted it ALL, cake cake cake cake cake.

      • Your post really made me laugh. I am sitting here giggling away.

        My STBXH was average to look at. At least he was clean. It’s the OW that would turn your stomach. She’s 10 years older than him and at 63 was sending him text pictures of her waxed fanny asking him if he was missing this when he broke up with her during our ridiculous attempt to reconcile. It made me want to throw up. She prances around in stockings and garters like she’s some dolly bird instead of an old crow.

        • haha. I always wondered what these weirdos sexted each other. I only saw the entries on the phone bill but never actually saw what they texted each other. Now you’ve answered my question!! I mean seriously, my Cheater’s OW was picture-texting him something at 6:30 a.m. She’s also 60 y.o. like your ex’s ow.

          • Trust me, you are better off not knowing / not seeing … I’m still looking for a big enough fork to gouge out my eyes after seeing & reading the sexting / texting, Maybe BBQ tongs.

            • I agree, pass the tongs. I only saw one day’s worth, but it’s burned into my brain forever. The OW would dress up in sleazy lingerie every morning before she went to work and send pics to my husband, then he would go into the bathroom stall at work and send her dick pics. CLASSY!!!

    • I am at work, with lots to do… HAVE.TO.STOP.LAUGHING… glass eye, green snot eye boogers… I am going to have nightmares, funny funny nightmares.

  • I was never attracted to the “popular” handsome guys, particularly if they were athletes, because I found them to be entitled and selfish. I liked men to be strong and confident in their abilities, but not arrogant. I liked men who could actually do something. There was a line from an Emmy Lou Harris song that summed it up for me, “I want a man with teeth just a little uneven, who won’t spend more time with a mirror than he does with me.”

    I also never wanted a man who already belonged to someone else. I never understood that urge that some women have to “take” another woman’s man, as if it means they are especially sexy or sparkly. What it usually means is they are available to cheat and easy to cheat with. Look what they have “stolen” — A Cheater! I also could not understand why a man would risk losing everything he had, especially trust and respect, for a piece of strange. Why can they not figure out that if she is available to them, she will be available to others?
    So I don’t understand the cheater mentality. I don’t understand how they can pretend they are attractive if they are not, or how they can pretend they are sexy, or have special sex skills if they don’t.

    So, I didn’t marry for looks or for sexy. I married because I wanted a companion with values and goals similar to mine, and I wanted someone who was attractive and funny and imaginative and somewhat sexy, to me. Of course, I was fooled. A Chump. I didn’t expect my spouse to cheat, because I didn’t expect other women to be chasing after him — I didn’t expect other women to have the same tastes I did, or other women to want a man who wasn’t famous, rich, or insanely handsome. I also did not expect my spouse to cheat with a woman who was less attractive than I am, who was an alcoholic/druggie, who was grossly overweight, and not particularly intelligent. So don’t take any marketing tips from me — evidently I cannot predict the winners among the irrational choices available on the cheaters market.

    When I went into Marriage Police mode and used my Sherlock Holmes Skill Set to uncover the lies and crimes of my cheater, I really could not believe that I had married someone who was so different from the man I thought I knew. When I found the absolutely awful porn and saw the truly gross pictures and films the OW were willing to pose for and participate in, along with the pictures he provided of his “merchandise” — I could not believe it. It was horrifying and nauseating. The bonking that cheaters do cannot have anything to do with their ACTUAL attractiveness, they have to live in a fantasy world. I saw no evidence that he didn’t have the same ED I had found to be a part of his normal sexual presentation. She evidently was ok with all the sex substitutes they practiced. I could not believe the positions she would pose in and allow films of — they certainly showed off her cellulite and fat rolls, and did nothing to enhance her questionable allure. I mean, they could close their eyes and imagine while they were participating — why would you want actual pictures which proved it was not as marvelous as you want to imagine it was???

    So I still do not understand why anyone does this stuff. I know they have to be delusional and prefer the delusion to reality. I don’t know how they could possibly have the same need to reconcile what they think is true with what actually is true, that I do? No matter what these Cheaters pretend to believe, they are not the “sexy” creatures they profess to be. They are not particularly attractive, either. They are willing to lie, and cheat, and steal, and betray. Maybe in cheater world that is all it takes to be a member of the club?

    I always knew that a relationship was going to involve compromise, and that there was never going to be someone “perfect” out there for me. I don’t think of myself as perfect either. But I think of myself as attractive, intelligent, funny, honest, and dependable. I think these are things a potential mate I would be interested in should find important. I expect the same things of a mate that I do of myself. If I cannot find that — then I am ok being alone. I don’t want to ever step foot into Delusional Cheater Land again. I am not in any hurry, and plan to spend a long time checking out my own picker for accuracy before I ever commit to anyone again. I’ve had enough sorrow, I’ve already paid that tab.

    • Yep, never understood why anyone, man or woman, would want to be with a cheater. I recall asking my now ex-wife how she could ever trust a man who would cheat on his wife and how he could ever trust her as she was cheating on me.

      All sorts of logical contortions. “It’s not cheating, I moved out…” (Same script, see blog previous blog entries.)

      Her paramour was nearly her father’s age. We were both in our 30’s. I guess she liked him getting the AARP discount and not being able to bother her with sex as often as I would.

      Never saw him, and it’s probably good for both of us.

      I rarely see her. Our daughter is 16, can drive, has a job, honor student in honors classes. I get the occasional doctor bill where I have to pay half. The last beau I saw living in her home was about her height (5’2″ or 157cm) and about as wide. I think he lost his license to a DUI as I saw him walking from time to time. I think he did door to door sales and/or cold calling from her house.

      I’m 5’11” 50″ chest, 36″ waist and workout 4-6 days/week. My daughter joins me for 3-4 of those days depnding on which weekend she is with me and which is with mom. So my DD runs, does bootcamp, swims and bikes with me, while XW probably gets winded running off at the mouth and jumping to conclusions.

      I’m a well paid IT worker and I’ll be 0x32 years old this year for those who understand hexadecimal numbers. I live in a nice, but modest home with my smoking hot redhead wife who really does make me a better person. I’m self-assured enough to admit that.

      So yeah, I don’t get the attraction to what these folks get from their affair partners.

      Was the marriage to my ex-wife miserable? Heck yeah!. The difference is I didn’t look outside of my marriage for solutions. I tried to engage her, to get her to talk, to tell me what the perfect marriage looked like. If it wasn’t what she wanted, it sure as heck wasn’t because I wasn’t trying. I think it’s because she couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me. As someone said before, I did the best I could with the information she provided. If you provide poor information or no information, don’t be shocked when your spouse doesn’t understand and/or doesn’t get it right.

      For example, I heard the line, “If you loved me, you would know what to do.” I so wanted to say, so you never did love me. After all, all I wanted was some really good steaks and blowjobs, but that never happened, so I guess you were right, you never really loved me.!” But I’m too classy for that sort of talk 😉

      Rant off.

      No matter where you are in the process, minutes or months from d-day, know that it does get better, it’s not about you, and you can come out better at the other end of this hurtful process.

      • Uniballer, I needed someone to say this today. I kept asking the ex what was wrong… For years. He lied though his teeth. When I finally confirmed he had been cheating for at least 4 years and I confronted him, his reply to me was “you couldn’t tell I wasn’t happy?, like I was supposed to see through the lies. I know I’m walking away from my marriage knowing that I did everything I could have. Not my fault if he didn’t let me in.

        We are at the tail end of my divorce proceedings and I am the thinnest, and fittest I have been in 20 years. People keep telling me that I look much better now without him. And the way I look now, I’m not worried about attracting someone better in the future. Meanwhile, ex is the heaviest I’ve seen him in a long time. Every time I see him, he’s wearinf the same vest….probably because nothing else fits. And it looks tighter every time I see him in it….

      • Uniballer,
        This just answered a 20 year question that was baffling me,

        “For example, I heard the line, “If you loved me, you would know what to do.” ”

        Word for word from my XW for so many years. And also “If you don’t see it you never will”. I now know it meant if you haven’t caught me, you never will. She was right. I was a trusting Chump who never did. Dday was a month after she asked for a divorce. I was always stumped by the mind reading requirement 🙁
        Finally got the divorce 1 week and 2 hours ago (after 15 mo trying). Thank you!

    • My ex’s whore worker said it wasn’t cheating because he had no feelings for me..life of 19 yrs mother of his 3 kids. Married. But not cheating..

  • It is devastating that these cheaters leave us for a “feeling of happiness”. I was told that….”I just want to be happy”. What the H! It does decimate the self-esteem because we do love/did love them faults and all.

    My cheater STBXH has back hair and is over wieght. He gained a whooping 80 lbs. during our marriage. Me? Still a size 2! I had the lovely job of shaving said back for our entire marriage. Funny, he has never asked his schoopie to do it. How does she get a pass?

    Last week, he paid our son to chase his back!!!! He paid him!!! Our son is 7!!! Ew!!!!

  • My cheater spent an inordinate amount of time in front of the mirror, fretting over every little nick or imperfection…he did cosme-ceuticals early on, worked out regularly, spent $$ on hair grafting. I always assured him I loved him just the way he was… It gave me the willies but I tried to see it as a plus. He wasn’t exactly an Adonis but I thought he did things to appeal to me. Hah, hah, snort…. But I did worry. If he was looking so close at himself, what must he think of me? Turns out, that other than a mother figure and house/office manager and laundress, not much. He was getting his thrills elsewhere. While I always had an attraction to him, overlooking what I now see as very gross and disrespectful actions, his attraction to me had a very short shelf-life. This, despite the fact that I am an intelligent, pleasing, funny, slim and attractive woman – things that society at large would consider attributes to marital success. I also thought we were compatible and partnered well at home and in the office. Those cheater goggles must also come with a germ-shield too, based on the skanks he pursued, while being very phobic of other people’s germs in front of me. How delusional we both were. HM is right. They build their egos and live off of a trail of insecure people – if it is a giver who supplies kibbles for a time, like myself, all the better. When reality hits, it’s time to move on in their fantasy to the next source.

  • The Muse, I know exactly what you mean. Mine was so “needy” and I used to wonder why I was still with him. I too loved him even after he left, but I am getting over him fast! He would NOT be my first choice to date if he showed up at my door! He smells like a giant cigarette and looks a bit like Popeye now due to the fact he wears full dentures that don’t fit him well now! Yep! Schmoopie can have him! Hope she enjoys him sucking his nose while she’s eating! I always had to remind him that genteel folk did NOT do those sorts of things, but it never sunk in!! But I also get the feeling that his paramour is a real pig too!

  • My cheater ex was actually nice looking; as our relationship crumbled under the weight of his narcissism, I began to look worse and worse (thyroid issues, depression, stress, weight gain, no time to care for myself because I was doing double duty for him).

    The funny thing is, he always kind of had a hard time making friends and being interested in other people (narcissist!) so even though he had good looks, I was the one who made friends with people.

    And now, I look better than ever after 8 1/2 months of freedom and the last time I caught a peek of my ex on facebook (and promptly unfriended the person who posted the pictures), he looked terrible: gaunt, unhealthy, pale, scruffy, angry and drunk. His fiance cheater is almost the exact opposite of me: cold, mean looking, older, trashy dresser, obsessed with planning their “elven themed” wedding. So, I find it amusing that he may think he’s all that, but he looks terrible now and even if he tries to look good, it doesn’t take long to realize he’s a self absorbed, boring, lazy, judgmental, angry, 38 year old with mommy issues. Gross.

  • I look at pictures of a pig-faced OW pausing like she is some star. She grins towards the camera with her nasty teeth and double chin, in a digital beam of light. She wears a very tight short jersey dress, proudly
    displaying her fat legs and round shoulders. She has the appearance of an average middle-aged cleaning lady. And her many online profiles contradict each other; she is obviously a fraud, aiming at a visa, a house on the riviera and money. She doesn’t even look younger than me. Yet, my commitment-allergic boyfriend was ready to marry her without a second thought, after living with me in the same house for 15 years, and after secretely meeting her three times in a foreign land. This is so very insulting.
    I read her posts, they are not especially funny or intelligent. Basically, she thinks of herself as wonderfully cultured, mind-blowingly sexy, and this is enough, the magic happens!
    After D-day, he behaved like he was the most attractive man of the area. I guess her infatuation was contagious. His badly groomed, introverted and oblivious self suddenly gazed at pretty twentysomethings in the streets with obvious interest. With me by his side ! No need to describe how I felt.
    I wonder… If she had not dumped him for a richer and more available guy, would he have gone to the airport some day, and messaged me from Moscow that he was married ?

    • ChumpfromFrance……..’suddenly gazed at pretty twentysomethings in the streets with obvious interest. With me by his side ! No need to describe how I felt.’ I’m raising my hand at this too! It’s quite hurtful and demeaning!

      • Mine did that at first, but then took his lusty looks underground. TRAIN YOUR DAUGHTERS TO RUN if someone does that–totally disrespectful to their date, and a sign that lechery is preferable to empathy in their values. A harbinger of things to come.

      • ditto. every waitress, store clerk. also, friends’ youngest (12 y.o) daughter. lustful looks. sick sick sick. I once walked out of him in a furniture store when he put his hand on the saleslady’s arm and called her sweetie. He was livid at me for ’embarassing’ him, imagine that! I told him not only did that hurt me it’s called sexual harassment asshole.

  • My fave example of this is Dominique Strauss Kahn. He claims that he had no idea that those many lovely and very young women who participated in his orgies were being paid to do so! ‘Prostitutes? Who could have guessed? I thought they just LOVED having group sex with a whole bunch of aging over-indulged rich guys!’

    Has this man looked in a mirror even ONCE in the past 20 years? (Google Image him right now if you don’t already know what he looks like.)

  • Great column, CL, and I share your view of Weiner and Gingrich (headed for the antacid now because of those images). But I’m going to defend petal pushers–Audrey Hepburn ROCKED petal pushers (and had they been around, probably would have wowed in the magenta). Mind you, she didn’t have thighs that looked like mutton.

    • Pedal pushers are the same as capris, right? Well, I wear those all summer long, at least half of the year in my blazingly hot area! I have them in denim, knit, cotton…… love me some pedal pushers! 😉

      • Me, too, Glad–tons of capris for summer in 100 degree heat. And I”m loud enough that I might just buy magenta ones if I saw them (when I was in my 20s, my sister once asked if Cyndy Lauper got mad that I raided her closet).

  • This post and all of the above comments crack me up, I laughed out loud reading all of it. CL, you write like I think and it brings me great joy to see all that sarcasm! Lol.

    I will say, my self loather of an ex never really bragged himself up…he’s more of a self pity cheater. BUT there must be something he finds irresistibly appealing about himself if he was out looking for other women when he had a young, fit and attractive wife at home that was just waiting for him to show an ounce of interest.

    Alas, I am glad he no longer gets to invade my well kept lady parts with his increasingly unattractive & less than hygienic habits.
    Read- VERY premature bald spot (began at 26), never brushes his teeth at night, extremely sedentary, poor eating habits, alcohol abuse, began using that gross tobacco that you place in your lower lip (faaaaak, that’s repulsive to me), WAY too long talon style toenails on his chubby little hobbit feet, oddly small and feminine hands, randomly dispersed back hairs that are beginning to take over the area (barf!!! I see these as he leans into his car and places our toddler in her car seat and his schmoopie looks on from the passenger seat…I’ll get to her in a moment), oh yes…and since he’s not quite 30 yet and his aging hell has just begun let me say that I’ve also noticed a very sloppy belly and what appears to be man tits in the works. Mua Hahahaha.

    Now for schmoopie- I don’t know too much about her personally, other than that she’s just the 23 year old version of me-she’s his new meal ticket. But my goodness…She has the most shockingly outlandish, Halloween store bought looking Cheshire cat teeth I’ve ever seen. They are literally trying to escape from her mouth by ripping her lips apart…it’s truly very alarming when you see it. I’m not sure what human finds that type of thing appealing…? At least if it were saggy tits or a floppy ass it could be covered in clothing and kept hidden from public scrutiny but this is on her FACE.

    When my mother, who’s a saint, met her during an exchange she called me directly after and said “well…ummm….gosh I don’t know how to say it but her pictures on Facebook actually do her more justice….my goodness, Jame…she looks like a mess! She is just not appealing to the eyes and those teeth….wow…those teeth.”

    Lmao, my thoughts exactly, mom.

    • OMG!!! How could I forget the skid marks/bacon strips in his underwear?!? Lmao!!!! How does his new college girlfriend handle THAT on a daily basis? I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY on EVERY SINGLE PAIR…just wipe properly!!!!!

      • Jamie – yes, the skid marked underwear! I refused to clean them for him so he had to do it himself. He had an issue in that area that he would never talk to the doctor about – sat on the toilet for lengthy periods of time (I’m sure texting women then too), had hemorrhoids, and nasty, silent farts that he loooved for me gag on and then comment he could laugh. I don’t miss that at all!

        • What is it about men that they can’t seem to wipe properly?? OMG I had that task too. Did you guys ever have it on your sheets at all? Now *THAT* is gross.

          • Oh boy!!!! I’ve never had it on the sheets but that sounds like an explosive problem he has on his hands…wow.

            I just figure that if I wear a thong that rubs against my personal region for a full day of working out/working/chasing a toddler around/errands….how is it that I manage not to get poo stains on there?
            It has to be a wiping deficiency.

            • Mine would come out of the shower squeaky clean and immediately skid up a towel! I mean, how clean are you anyway? And, yep – his hygiene really went out the window towards the end. Brushing/flossing teeth. eww – how can you not do that for 2 to 3 days? He did buy fancy new underwear and lots of new clothes which I’m sure have skid mark on all of them. If the shorts got so bad, I just threw them away. How is that women don’t have this issue, nor do we get such a kick out of (rarely done) farts. He used to laugh and laugh at the dinner table. Ugh.

          • Raises hand.

            Yes mine left tracks on the sheets also cause he liked to sleep nude.

            I did not take a single sheet, towel or blanket when I left. I bought myself all new, fresh, never shit on things.

            • Bahahahaha….Oh my goodness…it’s just too much…I thought it was just my ex that couldn’t clean his butt properly. I had no idea this was a common and widespread problem. I just don’t comprehend the difficulty…spread & wash. Very simple.

      • I’m trying to enjoy my oatmeal over here!! ILK!!!!!!
        My XPOS was quite the opposite, thank goodness!!! He was completely over the top in cleanliness in all aspects of his life. Well, except for the strippers he fucked.

    • TheBetterJamie, my ex has hobbit stubby feet too. he even took several selfies of his feet and toes. found them later on the computer things he forgot to delete. i surely don’t know why he thought that was attractive.

      • Lol, Muse…who the hell knows. A chump like me would excuse them and call them cute…which is what I did with my STBX’s flaws. Oh well…I wasn’t evrr looking for perfection anyways, just true love 🙂

  • LMAO TheBetter Jamie!

    I’m reminded that my ex cleaned his bathroom-just off the master bedroom-ONCE a year, doing a quick once-over with paper towels and some counter cleaner. It was the only room in the house I refused to clean. His bathroom was so gross and dirty I wouldn’t even put a toe in there….converted the guest bathroom in the hall into my own bathroom. Hope his new lady enjoys seeing a toilet covered in dust, hair, and moldy water rings, and a shower with mold in the corners and in between the plastic tile.

    • Lucky, your ex CLEANED? Even once a year would’ve been an upgrade for me, hahaha! My STBX was so insistent that he was just incapable of doing the laundry to my standards that he had me write out a manual. It was a 6 page booklet of all the general laundry rules and “what ifs” (I’m not kidding). He said he would feel more comfortable taking that big task on once he “knew the rules”…who am I, a vicious delicates dictator? Shit…could you at least just throw a load in of the babies clothes in to help me out?

      Lmao….these things make me laugh so much when I reflect. What an odd life I was living.

      • TheBJ, your story reminded me of my STBX´s father, the king of all narcs, who is so stingy that he is the only one allowed to touch the washing machine, the same one he bought for his first wife 45 years ago. His second wife (first one died 25 years ago, of cancer, probably produced by the stress of living with him) gathers all clothing and puts it in the washing machine, but the MAN of the house is the only one allowed to move the dial and push the button. It is as if he thinks women are stupid and will ruin the machine for which he paid so much for 45 years ago!!! Of course, he is OK with his women doing everything else …but is so stingy that he still has the same bed, with the same mattress that his first wife slept on and everything else in the house (all the furniture, etc) are from the first wedding…STBX inherited the stinginess, he doesn´t mind taking our mattress for his new rented apartment and lucky OW will get to sleep on it!

        • Chumpita, what an odd bird. Lol

          But see the thing was, my ex wasn’t doing the laundry…he was telling me that my laundry expectations were just too high to meet and he would inevitably fail and then be bullied by me, his obsessive, controlling, wacko of a wife. Lol. It was his way of getting out of helping me by accusing me of being impossible to please.
          This is how nearly every interaction was with him. Mindfuckery.

          • I got that too, TBJ. When I asked him not to throw anything of mine in with his laundry because he tended to leave napkins and paper towels in pockets or throw white towels in with dark clothes, I listened to a week of comments about his not being able to ‘live up to my standards’. This is the same man that did his own laundry in the beginning because I didn’t fold his t-shirts properly. By the time I finally got him out of the house, he was content to just throw his clean clothes into a wad in his drawers. I should cut him a break – after the day-long porn fests he had while I was at work, I’m sure his wrists were just too tired to fold stuff.

  • Ha! I loved your evaluation of Newt Gingrich, CL! He is aptly named because he does, in fact, look exactly like a newt. You’d just need to bring a push broom along if you planned on kissing him – to hold up that ginormous head!

    I think the delusion for the male cheaters comes from strippers, porn, 800 phone sex lines, even beer commercials. Did you ever notice beer commercials? The guys are all fat, balding, sweaty, pasty bastards and the women are hot. Way to sell beer, Madison Avenue. Strippers flock to the douche with the most money, no matter what he looks like. Phone sex is a no-brainer. They don’t realize that “Misty” is probably 40 years old, living in subsidized housing and doing her kids ironing while she’s telling him how huge his dick is.

    I think these are the things that really skews their views. They start to believe they are hot and any woman would be lucky to have him. At least that’s what the stripper told him while he was shoving at $10.00 down her g-string.

  • Since it just popped into my mind I had to go watch the video for the 90’s song I’m Too Sexy song on Youtube and well wouldn’t you know Right Said Fred does it PERFECTLY. It is really not a stretch at all to imagine my cheater humming it to himself on the way up the hotel elevator. Now the damn song is stuck in my head.

  • Sucks for me….STBX is devastantingly handsome and rich, and OW is quite pretty herself…
    Altough I know that’s all they have, it doesn’t make it any easier…

    • BRChump, outward looks fade ! These people are just putting paint on a stinking turd! Don’t you dare feel bad! You will always be beautiful because you are true and authentic! These horses asses don’t even know who they really are!! You are worth more than them and their “fab ” good looks any day of the week! And good character never fades or goes out of style!!

      • And BRChump, work on getting some of the STBX’s bucks! Without those I’m sure his stock would go down with the beautiful girls too!

    • BR, you are right….they may be pretty together but they’ll be miserable together, too.
      Looks are fleeting and once they grow old they’ll be wrinkly, musty smelling and covered in liver spots like the rest of us. Their looks will fade but your kind heart is timeless.

        • Thank you everyone for the reassurance!
          It’s just really hard seeing Ow EVERYDAY ( they enrolled her daughter in my son’s school) looking fabulous with “my” money…. When he moved out he sold my car, left me with the bare minimum and gave her a car, boob job, and all the luxuries money can buy…While I’ not struggling cause I have a great family is ridiculous that I helped him be who he is and she’ s reaping the benefits…
          I live in south america and laws here are really unfair so, his money is him to do as he pleases… Sorry…had to vent…

      • YES! I have told my girls that all the time. Stupid comes naturally and no one has to work for it. You have to have heart to want to work at not being one of the stupid masses.

    • BR Chump…….the XPOS (50 when they met) is too (well not devastatingly, but handsome and wealthy) and his now ex stripper was a cute girl too (25 (when they met) and I’m just thinkin’ she ought to be with that line of profession). And he’s had at least 4 others since and during me and 25 y/o. I’ve only seen pics of stripper but I’m pretty certain that the rest are pretty or cute too; 22-29 yrs old, they oughta be!! First off he wouldn’t be caught dead with less than that because ‘appearance to others’ is everything. Isn’t it? 🙂
      Thanks Roberta & CL for the reminders though.

    • Yeah, BRchump–mine is smart, successful, handsome, & a snappy dresser–his APs were 30 years his junior. But you know what, I’ll feel sorry for anyone with him long term. He sucks the life out of people with heavy doses of sarcasm & criticism, and mainly talks about himself & his successes. He’ll lure them with charm for a few weeks, and then the sword starts to lower. If he ever remarries, I’m tempted to pat the poor thing’s hand and look sympathetically at her. Serial cheater–hasn’t been faithful to a single long-term relationship.

    • Whenever I encounter such people I immediately think of John Lennon-“One thing you can’t hide is when you’re crippled inside.”

  • It was such a red flag at the time, and so indicative of how seperate our lives were becoming, when he came home with a tattoo that he’d told me nothing about. That was when his cheating really started to blossom. Later on, he used my “non-supportive” reaction of that first tattoo as one of the many reasons I deserved to be cheated on. Over the next 2-3 years of cheating and multiple affairs, he continued to get more and more tattoos. The last and best one was the tattoo he got for his AP. His pet name for her was “Punkin” so he got a huge, ridiculous, Cinderella-esque, pumpkin on his fore arm. His pale, skinny, forearm. What really put it over the top and made is magical and special is that in the middle of the pumpkin is a large “P4”. He tried to tell me it was referential to his Panic Disorder and some bullshit he’d learned about during his recent stint in rehab. I discovered, when I found his secret email account, what it really stood for though. It was short hand for PPPP. Which is short hand for Pinky Pinky Prom Prom. Which is short hand for double Pinky Promises. For example, Ex: “I PPPP love you, crazy ridiculous.” AP: “I PPPP I cleaned up my phone.” Direct quotes.

    All of this is to say that along the way, as things were disintegrating and I was still trying to believe that what was happening really wasn’t, I remember saying to a friend about his appearance, how awful he looked. And that if I; an almost 40 year old mother of two who is in semi decent shape, met him; a tattoo sleeved, skinny, alchoholic, almost 40 year old man who was in the process of growing out his hair and goatee, who was perpetually sloppy and unkept, that I wouldn’t even be interested in having a conversation with him.

    Post divorce, he’s tried to get me to “date” him. He’s been homeless, carless, jobless. But he still has his tattoos. I think he’s had a harder time getting girlfriends. Funny.

    • He sounds like they both thought they were in middle school with the PPPP. And I’m assuming that AP is no longer with him. And now he’s got a stupid pumpkin on his arm. Karma’s a bitch!

    • OMG, RB! How old were these two?

      I have sweet little secret stuff like that….with my 2 year old daughter…

      my goodness, he sounds like a gem!

    • When we were in college my then fiance got a tattoo without telling me.I admit I was upset at the time, but was made to feel as if I overreacted. I mean, I would not have objected to it, but he had never indicated an interest in one, and it is permanent, etc. We had also literally just attended a campus conference on various student research, and there was an entire session on tattooing– and not a peep.

      In hindsight, I guess a sign about his lack of discussion/communication skills.

  • Everyone seems to be on a roll today! I’m LMAO here and I’m sure the folks in my Doctors office wonder if I’m a bit crazy! I don’t really care cause all these comments are too much fun!!

  • Sexual attraction is always about goggles. 🙂

    I have two friends who’ve been married for twenty years. They’re hopelessly in love with each other, and it’s clear that being around each other makes them happy. They are both quite heavy, and despite being about 15 years younger than I am, they are both on a pill regimen. Mind you, he’s been diabetic since he was a small boy, and he’s asthmatic on top of all that. She recently developed Type II diabetes, and is taking blood pressure pills. I would not find either one of them sexually attractive, but it’s clear they see each other as desirable.

    But I also think they realize that they’re two, overweight, middle-aged people. Nothing special. Except to each other, they are very special. The outside world be damned.

    Cheater goggles are different.

    Cheaters see themselves as irresistible sex magnets.

    Schmoopie, for example, tips the scale at about 210 lbs of long, dyed red hair, pulled back from her high forehead so you can see just how dark (and now graying) those roots are. Also, she drinks too much. She sees herself as a Siren whose song men can’t resist. I’m sure this is somewhat true. Many people like free samples.

    STBX and I still live together until the divorce is finalized. He likes to wander around from bathroom to bedroom in his underpants (boxer/briefs). Uh, why? Maybe he’s parading around in hopes I’ll be jealous of his hawtness. Nope. I used to see him as pretty hot. Now I see him as middle-aged, paunchy, and hunched over (he has always had rounded shoulders from poor posture). He says that the ladies all like him.

    Talk about an invitation to a Pick-Me dance!

    Even when they’re not necessarily NPD, cheaters always have a bit of narc in them. They are convinced they sparkle!

    • My ex used to get a kick out of wandering around naked in our house and standing in front of open widows. I’ll never understand that.

      • Lyn……the idiot I was with too!
        When we were on vacation, at the hotels he would be stark naked in front of the windows and even do a dance so that he weiner went in a circular motion for all to see! Said he didn’t care….that’s an understatement!
        A time or two he even walked onto hotel balcony…..yep, stark naked!! Sick fuck!

      • My ex liked to do everything naked, preferably where there was a chance people would see him. The entire five months he spent in the guest bedroom of our old house, post Dday while I was waiting to move out, he never once closed the blinds in the room. Not while getting undressed, not while in bed, not while dressing, never once. And there were neighbors that could have seen into that room. But this is a guy who took off all his clothes and ran naked through a public park to surprise some guy he was running with in his exercise class. And would wear the skimpiest speedo on the beach. So clearly, not exactly shy about showing off his junk.

        • especially surrounded by feathers, for the OneHourPhoto people to see, right? (CL–we’re still all clamoring for a cartoon of Still Life with Penis!!)

          • Yes, or posed laying on top of an apple. Those photo lab techs must have loved getting our rolls of film.

    • KB, “many people like free samples”!!!

      Please, that was so simply yet eloquently put, I am dying over here.

      I’m also envisioning the hoards of people in SAMs club on a Sunday who utilize the free samples as the appetizers to their upcoming Applebee’s meals.

      Use wretched old lady voice-“Gosh…I don’t even like figs but if it’s free….maybe just a taste…”

    • I want to add something here on the goggles.

      Take my married friends. If I describe her as 5’1″, about 240lbs, with short, straight brown hair cut in a bob cut from Great Clips, she doesn’t sound attractive at all. If I describe her as outgoing, intelligent, witty, with a wry but non-malicious sense of humor and a smile that lights up the room–well, she sounds super! And I am dead certain that’s how her husband sees her. 🙂

  • Chump Lady,

    Your ability to boil things down to their essence is a gift. My present level of “meh” lately has been fueled by realizing how my ex-wife’s choice to do what she did was about 95% fueled by who she is and her messed up view of the world. I could go on for paragraphs, but you boiled it down to one absolutely true pithy sentence. I will always remember it and thank you.

    “But we were traded for the delusional sensation of feeling devastatingly sexy.”

  • My ex definitely thought he was devastatingly sexy. He did work out a lot and had a good body, although not perfect. However, he became slick as a billiard ball bald in his 20’s, and his nose, which was rather large to begin with, continued to grow to the size of a toucan’s beak. Still, in my mind I continued to see him as I did when he was young. I even made a card once with a picture of him in his bathing suit at 20 years old that said “you’ll always be 17 to me.” He, however, saw me as a middle-aged woman who had become utterly unattractive. Love this post, CL, made me laugh my head off. Laughter truly is the best medicine.

  • I’m not comfortable with all this talk about their negative physical qualities. Most of us loved them in spite of their flaws.

    But the idea that they throw our relationship away just because their ego is being stroked, well, that’s despicable to me.

    • ML, I’m snarkier than you are. Yes, of course we loved them despite their flaws. I loved my cheating ex once upon a time, even though he was bald, fat, and hairy-backed. But sometimes getting to “meh” is realizing that the Emperor has no clothes — or the emperor is dressed like a drunken gypsy. The narc isn’t everything they project, and hey, there is a vein of humor in that.

      I would also add that everyone is faintly ridiculous when they are being their sexual selves. But good people love in entirety. We can self deprecate. We can admit we’re squigdy around the middle, but still work with what we have. We love past things.

      Cheaters, narcs, I do think they prefer fantasy and superiority. They cannot self deprecate. They really DO think they are the shit and you are their inferior.

      Sometimes you just have to point and laugh.

      • CL agreed also. If we can all find our inner sense of humour in such a soul destroying situation it can propel us forward instead of staying stuck. So snark away, it is what makes you so unique/

      • “Cheaters, narcs, I do think they prefer fantasy and superiority. They cannot self deprecate. They really DO think they are the shit and you are their inferior.”

        I could not agree MORE.

      • CL……..BINGO!!! once again.
        We, chumps, need to release a little and this is the perfecto place to do it in!
        I don’t want to feel shamed for that.

      • I think part of it also is we can see their inside ugliness now. So, at least to us, we see the inner rot manifesting on the outside.

        And sometimes after years of being told how inadequate we are and having all of our flaws (and some made up ones) pointed out repeatedly, it’s a relief to be able to point some out right back.

        • “The emperor is dressed like a drunken gypsy.”

          Mine was definitely the man behind the curtain. Even had a sign outside is office, something about – ‘Nobody gets in to see the wizard, no way, no how’. I think his curtain was so important to him – his mask. And, when it was uncovered and all faults were seen, well – the world sure looked at him differently. Yep – he got the gray hair, shaved it all off and on a big head, it’s not a good look, gained a lot of weight and dresses sloppily now. What’s with these 60 yr old guys? Thank God I opened that damn curtain one day.

    • Thank you! This entire page of comments has made me feel like shit. I’m overweight, not well-endowed, etc. The weight I might be able to help, but the endowment? I’m insecure enough, thanks.

      I get being hurt, I really do. But the lashing out hurts more than just the intended targets. Calling someone crazy/mentally ill, saying someone looks like the opposite gender, insulting physical traits that someone can’t help, it all gets to be a bit much.

      • then stop reading and go to the next one. nobody here was attacking you personally. after years of being put down for the silliest things, it is a wonderful feeling to point out their flaws.

        i personallyy feel better knowing that other people have dealt with the same load of bullshit i did. and their stories make me feel better. if it is making you feel badly about yourself then stop reading this article. i dont like every single article chumplady writes (sorry cl) but the ones that dont appeal to me i dont read.

        there are also one or two comments that i dont personally agree with or even like but that is too be expected when you throw together a few hundred people.

        but i think for you to comment that we are making you feel bad because of our comments about our ex faultsis out of line. nobody is trying to make anyone feel badly. many have said that they are not perfect. there is nothing wrong with venting about your ex flaws especially after they put you thru the worst pain in your life.

        unless you are the other woman dont take these comments as personal. i also am overwieght (but working on that) i have fat stubby feet. and grey hair (which i dye) but i was not offended by someone comment.

        ans excuse me but i will call my ex crazy. and his MOw a slut if i want to. my apologizes if that offends you. you might want to read another blog that doesnt offend your sensiblities. good luck.

  • My cheater is attractive. We’re in our mid-30’s, so gravity and aging haven’t quite caught up to us yet. While he does have many attractive qualities, he also has some negatives. Such as: not showering every day and having the greasy hair that comes with it, not brushing his teeth and having garbage breath, stinky pits from not showering enough, and finally, questionable bathroom habits. One night during an intimate encounter, I came face-to-face with a dime-sized dingleberry. Yes I did. So gross!

    Schmoopie that old whore, well, she’s a lot worse for the wear. She’s 10 years older than us and still rocks the bleached-blonde 80’s big hair look, she weighs about 90 lbs because she’s bulimic and has no teeth because she lost them from the bulimia. One actually came flying out of her mouth while she was having a conversation at work. How charming. Mr. Wonderful had the nerve to admit that she’s smaller than me. Well yeah, I could be smaller too if I barfed up every meal I ate. As is, I’m an attractive woman at 36-28-36. Not big by any means. Schmoopie also doesn’t have tits, which I do and I know he likes ’em. He must like kibbles and cake more though.

  • I’ve got a bit of a different take.

    My ex-wife was attractive. No argument there. And, her AP was a handsome man, in shape and well built. I’m no slouch in the physical attractiveness department. But, judging on that alone, I’d say he’s got me beat. All fine and good. (I’ve got him handily beat in the “integrity,” “dignity,” and “quality-of-character department,” which I’m quite content with.)

    However, like all other aspects of cheating, cheaters have a way of turning our positive attributes against us. It didn’t matter how attractive I was…because my ex-wife found a fault with that aspect of me, to help justify her actions.

    For example, after her affair started, she complained about my practice of getting up early in the mornings to go to the gym. Suddenly, it was a problem that I wasn’t lying in bed with her — the old “We’re living separate lives” argument.

    At the other end of the day, she complained that we stayed in and cooked healthy meals for one another…instead of going out and indulging on fatty burgers and beers. We were “boring,” and I had to try harder to make her life more exciting and romantic.

    So, my healthy lifestyle…which directly contributed to my physical attractiveness…became a detriment. She found a way to add another log to the fire of why she was so miserable in her marriage.

    Hot or not? Don’t bother answering, because your cheater will find a way to complain about you, regardless.

    • You bring up an interesting point — cheaters blame shift and fault find. It’s part of the MO that gives them “justification” to cheat. But it’s in stark contrast to the fabulous self regard they have. God forbid if *you* ever nit-picked her about going to the gym, or her imperfections.

      The game is rigged.

    • I hear you JC. Every endearing quality thst attracted them to you at first will evebtually be used against you as fuel to the infidelity fire.

      • I was told by ex husband that I was too much of a lady and my standards were too high and he actually said to me just before D Day “not everyone has your standards you know”. Those standards and my ladylike behaviour are the very things besides my good looks (ha ha!) that attracted him to me. Now I am 63 years old and I cannot compete with teenage Cambodian prostitutes. My stomach still wants to heave when I think about what he has done and is still doing.

          • willowchump–that is exactlly what made me bail on the thought of reconciliation, even though the only affair I knew about had ended 8 years ago. He told me, “You’re the only one who thinks I’ll still cheat.” I shrugged and thought, “let those people confident of your fidelity marry you then; you don’t get a second chance to hurt me once I know about it.”

            4.5 months after D-day–turns out it was at least 2 fuckbuddies over the course of 2 years, and now I strongly suspect others are hidden beneath the surface. 98% of those who will do it once will do it again, given the opportunity. Just be aware.

            • Agreed. Your spouse cheats on you the first time? Cut your losses and run NOW. It WILL happen again. Once they break that barrier the first time, the gates are wide open. And as Tempest said, besides the ones you know about, you will find that there are very likely other hidden affairs. Yep, yep, yep. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

        • Maree, you reminded me that Schmoopie gave STBX a pen that had his name on it and the qualities associated with that name. The qualities associated with his name? “A loyal person with high standards.”

          I’m sure she didn’t get the irony of giving that pen to a cheater at all. 😛

          On another note, it’s not that you can’t compete, it’s that you won’t compete. Your X sounds disgusting!

        • “Teenage Cambodian prostitutes” remind me of a garden party where I met a guy I knew when I was at university. Back then, he was not good looking, had poor hygiene, and could not get laid, but at least he was kind. There in front of the barbecue, he was a 50 year old grey balding man, sporting a vietnamese shirt and accompanied by a much younger Vietnamese wife. And he was nasty to her. He was visibly enjoying the cruel things he was saying to her. One week later, he was in Cambodia, and posted on Facebook pictures of a young prostitute for everyone to see, including his wife. The overlooked nerd had discovered Asia and felt like a king. On Valentine day, he posted: “Happy Valentine to women who weigh less than 50 kilos” (110 lb). Nice !

          • Sounds like me ex!! I am 5ft 6 ins tall, 120 lbs and I am quiet and reserved yet I am very well liked. My ex loved that about me, now he is advertising on dating sites for girls who are bright and bubbly, slim or athletic in body and preferably Asian. Our daughter is 35 years and our son is 32 years. I just cannot wrap my head around what he is doing or wanting. It makes me physically sick to think about it.

            • I know how you feel Maree, my husband is 69 and is chasing young nubile girls from Thailand. He is a bald old man and gave up on me for that. We have been married for over 40 years. I cannot compete with them. He has been back to Thailand 4 times in 2 years and is going again next month. I am thinking of divorce, we have been separated 2 years still living in same house, I have had enough. I did all the hard yards but it wasn’t enough. I am laughing at the comments, haven’t had a good laugh in ages. Today I found a bank receipt of money he has been sending to a Mrs in Thailand. I nearly vomited.

              • Alex for your own sanity divorce him. My ex husband is 63, we have known each other for 45 years, together for 40 and married for 37. Our devotion and loyalty means absolutely nothing to them. My ex is now selling up everything and moving over to Cambodia. He started off in Vietnam and ‘graduated’ to Cambodia. I actually asked him 2 years when I did still speak to him if he would ever live there and his comment was “there is nothing there except the girls”!! Bingo. I still want to vomit when I think of what he has done and he does not have any embarrassment about who knows what he is up to. The only thing that I take solace in, is everyone and I mean everyone who knows the 2 of us are telling me how wonderful I am looking and how shocking/awful he is looking. I think it is his black, empty, soulless heart now showing and he doesn’t care. Neither do I anymore. He will die in Cambodia, no doubt.

              • Thanks for your input Maree. We seem to be in similar situations. I asked my husband for a divorce and he calmly replied “it’s up to you” as if I asked him to do the dishes. Tomorrow I am going to call Legal Aid to see where I stand since he has left us broke. He also has no shame or regret and truth be told he is gaining nothing by cheating on me with a bit of fluff. He has everything to lose. He is the one that will be left with a woman who only wants his money, little does she know he has none. Well good luck to him and good luck to your husband. I also take care of myself and am 9 years younger but obviously not young enough. I have become much stronger now and wouldn’t have him back even if he begged me. It’s his loss but he won’t realise that until it is too late. Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, our husbands had to go overseas to find someone, that tells me a lot.

        • Members of vulnerable populations rarely have higher standards – BECAUSE THEY CANT!!!

          must be part of the cheater goggle package

    • JC…..precisely! What the XPOS once thought was so funny and great about me is what he then despised and picked fault at when he was cheating.
      I really couldn’t understand it (pre DDay). Then, of course, I got it!
      PIG!!

    • JC, my husband was not over weight at all but he was out of shape. He had a pot belly that he could seriously set a small plate on. We even joked about it. I was not over weight by any means either. I always tried to exercise and would practically beg him to go with me. Occasionally he would walk with me but he would complain the whole time about how walking didn’t do anything for you. So I would say, ok, then help me migrate from walking to jogging so we can do that together. Nope, he wanted nothing to do with it. He wouldn’t bike with me either even after I got him a brand new bike for free.

      I dropped 25 pounds in just a few months after discovering his cheating and he never noticed even though everyone else did. After I kicked him out, he decided he had to match my weight loss so he could look the part of the poor guy whose horrible wife kicked him out to go along with the crap he’s spinning to cover for his serial cheating habit. He’s lost that pot belly and has started working out every day at his apartment complex but since he has no clue how to properly use the equipment, he tore something and now having to go to physical therapy. I guess it’s important to him now that he needs to lure in another chump to take care of him.

    • JC, right on the money. Being a good dad, a good provider, a good partner who had her back all the time, an overall “great guy” (as she said) who was nice to her and others, made me boring. She was tired of going to a nice restaurant with another couple and then “just going home like a bunch of old farts”. She wanted to go to clubs to dance and bars to party. (She’s 58, I’m 62). Tried to accomodate a bit even though I kind of outgrew that a while back. It wasn’t enough. She asked “Where’s the boy who used to be a wild partier?” Uh, maybe running my own demanding business for 35 years and being a dad and husband with 110% of my capacity.

      Yes, I had the feeling that the attributes and solidity she (and other people) had valued in me somehow became reasons to ditch me because I was not a bad boy or a rake. Ashamed to say it, but it caused me to become a bit defensive at first, but that’s long since gone. And I knew in my heart of hearts that had I tried to change to suit her, it would never have changed anything, she would have found other excuses to do what they do. I would have been another victim of the pick me dance that always leaves you standing alone on the dance floor.

    • A friend’s STBX talks constantly about how FUN his new wife is. She shows up uninvited on golf vacations with his friends, where she is the only wife there. FUN! She makes spontaneous huge purchases from their joint account without telling him. SPONTANEOUS! She’s flashed her boobs at his family members! And she’s always super-horny, and wants to have sex in random public places. SEXY!

      But my friend is BORING. You see. All she did was bring home pay checks, keep the house running, take care of their kids, and book boring family vacations where you can’t flash people or have sex in public. I give it six months before he figures out that her being FUN is actually being batsh*t insane. She shows up uninvited when he’s with his friends because she doesn’t trust him to be away from her and not cheat. She makes huge purchases without telling him because she feels entitled to all of his money. And she’s hypersexual because she’s desperate to keep his interest. It’s going to get ugly fast.

      • Chumpguy and pucksmuse, I agree with you both.

        I’m all for fun and excitement, and even being risque once in a while. And I know that a marriage needs spontaneity now and again. But, that’s not WHY I got married. I got married for all of the benefits that come from a long-term relationship. Fun and excitement are the icing on the cake, and certainly not my top priorities when other aspects of life need attention.

        I didn’t understand it when I was younger that my ex-wife’s “fun” personality came with a deep downside. She couldn’t sit still. She got bored so easily. She wanted constant excitement and stimulation.

        And when she finally decided that I couldn’t provide it for her at the level she wanted, she used that justify her affair (along with a host of other reasons that seemed to change every few months).

        It’s funny, though. You know what they say about people who get bored easily? *They’re* *boring*. They need outside stimulation, as opposed to generating their own happiness and fulfillment. We all need social interaction and validation. But cheaters need it much more than most.

        • Another frustrating aspect of all this is that STBX either doesn’t see or refuses to see how his new “FUN” wife’s behavior affects his family, friends and kids. Taking spontaneous weekend trips is fun, but it sucks for the kids when they arrive at his home for a scheduled weekend visit to find that Dad and Stepmom have decided to take last-minute trip without them and didn’t think to let the kids know. Yes, it’s sexy (to him) to have a wife who is uninhibited, but his siblings don’t particularly want to see his wife’s bare breasts. Yes, it’s a big surprise for him to find his wife waiting for him at the condo where he and his buddies are supposed to spend the weekend golfing, but none of the other wives are there, which changes the entire dynamic of the trip and leaves the friends with difficult questions to answer when the other wives ask, “Why was STBX’s wife allowed on the trip when we weren’t?”

          And when people point out these inconveniences and discomforts, it sends STBX into full on Romeo and Juliet defense mode, “You just don’t know how to have any FUN. You’re just BORING and JEALOUS. You WISH your wife was as fun and hot as mine! You just want me to go back to being a boring old soccer dad again!”

          It’s sad and disappointing that he could be so shortsighted and selfish.

          • This reminds me of the movie with Jessica Lang and Tommy Lee Jones in Blue Sky. This was his wife. She was nuts.

        • “I didn’t understand it when I was younger that my ex-wife’s “fun” personality came with a deep downside. She couldn’t sit still. She got bored so easily. She wanted constant excitement and stimulation.

          And when she finally decided that I couldn’t provide it for her at the level she wanted, she used that justify her affair (along with a host of other reasons that seemed to change every few months).”

          JC, your ex wife and my ex husband belong together. I’ll bet your ex embarrassed you a lot in public with her over-the-top antics, right? My ex certainly did — there was nothing he would not do for attention. And of course, I was boring because I could not possibly meet his need for constant excitement.

          These days, I run from anyone who always needs to be the life of the party. When I was young and dumb, I thought that was fun. Now that I’m older and tireder, I know that it is a red flag of disorder.

          • Ooooo, yeah…ok I’m putting some things together from my own marriage from what you’ve written. Yes, the constant stimulation bit…that wasn’t an all the time need for my ex but when we were in public or in a group, watch out! He embarrassed me many times at weddings and functions with his family, in particular. If he felt like he was in a group of people he knew bought into his crap he would literally go into his alter ego for hours! I’m talking he would get drunk (always included alcohol) and bring out what I used to call “the party guy” when I’d describe it to friends and our therapist. Party guy is fun loving, hilarious, dancing with sweet old ladies and little kids on the dance floor…onlookers would laugh and laugh and wonder why I wasn’t joining in on all the fun. I was SO uncomfortable. These people had no idea how different the man I lived with was from this attention whore. I came off as a wet blanket and he looked like the fun guy being held back.
            Equally awkward was when it was with his family and it was he and his 5 siblings literally competing for the “I’m the funniest sociopath” trophy. It was like an all night festival of over the top antics, covert-aggressive jabs at each other with cynical laughing afterwards….
            It was so uncomfortable to watch yet no one else seemed to think it was odd.

            Oh how glad I am that I’m no longer living that lie!

      • The mow was so sporty and outdoorsy and always free to meet him at hotels. As was he! They both neglected a total of 2 spouses and 7 kids with their easy breezy lifestyle for 6 months of screwing. During that time, I was “too wrapped up in the kids and not doing much to better myself”. Yeah, dancing double-time since daddy was awol. Now? “The mow was a horrible mother, she was willing to leave 4 kids at any moment to blow me, not just during work but on weekends.” I guess it’s all in how you look at it, cheater.

  • My cheater X is a dead ringer for the guy in your cartoon… I mean spitting image. I did a double take and then burst out laughing. Especially the shit eating grin on his face. I of course have never seen him in his leathers but now I don’t have to, ever for any reason… and I think he bends that way anyway. Lucky OW getting to indulge in his perfect pencil dick. This is a wonderful column today… I just about snorted my cornflakes through my nose as I was reading it.

    You know what I hate most of all about my fat, slovenly, peridontally diseased XH, is the fact that it was always easier for him to curry favor with the kids and make me look like the bad guy, with junk food. He was fat as a pig when we werre married and he wanted the kids the same. So both of my daughters have weight issues. Yesterday, my 17 year old was in the car sobbing about her weight. He, of course, was no where to be found for these happy events. They are a cancer and toxic… OW… he is all yours… perhaps you can convince him that eating an apple is not the same as brushing your teeth… and I won’t even get into skid marks and mustache leavings in the bathroom sink, and apple cores, banana peels and all sorts of semi rotting garbage left in the living room… Done… so done…

    Really in the end, I have hate too…he is supposed to move to the frozen north to be with schmoopie, please God, let him transfer up there…let him live in that God forsaken place, let him endure years of shoveling snow, 100mph winds in every season, and years of allergies, rabbit brush and sage, swollen eyes and bronchitis, and of course Schmoopie, with her two little dogs in elf costumes on Santa’s lap. Escorting her 57 year old self to Rainbow girl events, dressed in chasten prom/prairie dresses and hearing all about how women are supposed to be polite, deferential and virtuous. Such an old fashion girl. Please God… let him go.

    For me, I think I will start looking for a job in Hawaii…and invite all you chumps for a holiday as it is, you are welcome to come to San Diego. Now I am going out to watch the green parrot flock come flying over… I can hear those bad boys coming. Hang loose you all, Mahalo.

    • My son lives in San Diego and I was just there last October, ha if I get back I’ll look u up! Loved San Diego!

  • My XH was a ‘cute guy’ when I married him. He had a thin build but I’m an excellent cook and we ate very healthy and at 5’10” I got him to a very healthy weight of 170. He looked good.
    I cut his hair every two weeks and bought him whitening strips for his teeth and made sure he had nice clothes for work. I liked taking care of my husband.

    Fast forward to him leaving and living with Schmoopie for the past few years. He weighs about 140 lbs, skin and bones. His drinking is out of control and he’s anemic and needs iron shots now and his face has purple veins all over it. His hands shake so bad he can barely sign his name. Schmoopie is about that attractive too. Except she’s fat with yellow crooked teeth and she looks like she dyes her hair with a bottle of black shoe polish. She doesn’t wear ANY make up. NONE at ALL. She’s about as attractive as the underneath of my Subaru.

    He confided to me not long ago that he is drunk ALL the time when he isn’t at work. I think the guilt in his life is finally catching up to him. I really do think that he finally gets what he did to me was a terrible thing to do. The only way he can live with it is to drink more. Lucky lucky Schmoopie. She gets to live with a passed out drunk for the rest of her life. Because she will put up with ANYTHING to have a man.

    All I want is to find true happiness again. I want this part of my life to be over forever. I don’t want this sordid ‘love’ story to be my last.

    • I can hear the sorrow in your voice from half a world away, mate.
      It won’t be your last – you’re a decent, kindly human being, unlike those trashbags. Don’t let it get you down. Be secure in yourself and you’ll shine brighter than anything those twits could ever hope to be.

      (For the record though, the lack of makeup thing kinda makes me laugh – because in one of my cases it was the complete opposite – I’m the one who doesn’t have to wear any, or very little, makeup to scrub up ok, whereas the skank had 5 inches of makeup plastered on like a clown. I used to think ‘She never smiles because her face will crack and fall off!’)

  • Oh, this is perfect! “How can there be enough weak antelopes in the herd to EVER countenance even touching Newt Gingrich with a barge pole?”

    Ex used to insist upon me cutting his hair to his detailed specifications. Fits of rage if I didn’t cut it just right. We worked in the same office. Co-workers later admitted that they always thought his hair style made him look like Newt. Thanks for the laugh this morning.

  • When I met my ex he was a gorgeous specimen of a man (in my eyes) Our 2nd date I was meeting him after work to help him move his car. (he had bought a new BMW and needed someone to drive his old car back home) He arrived straight from work got out of his car and I knew I was in trouble. He had a head full of curly black hair, deep blue eyes and a dimple in the chin and a devilish grin. He was wearing faded jeans with rips in the knees that fit like they were made for him, with a leather bomber jacket undone except for the bottom snap, revealing a 6 pack, a beautiful chest with just a bit of hair, He saw where my gaze went and tried to act nonchalant by saying,”Oh, my shirt got dirty at work so I took it off.”

    I, like a lobotomy patient, tried to keep my tongue in my mouth and could only nod my head. When he turned around a rip in the ass of his jeans confirmed he went commando. My inner dialogue was, “You know exactly what you are doing you sexy little bugger and I am taking the bait. Damnit, I’m a big girl, I wILL be having sex with this man at least once” I wiped the drool from my mouth and tried to concentrate on what he was saying, I was hooked and I knew it.

    Twelve years later we are split and he calls saying he is in my neighborhood, can he drop by. I answer the door and standing in front of me is my bald ex wearing a pleather bomber jacket undone to his navel, his chest hair is grey and the 6 pack is more of a gala keg. He saw where my eyes went and said, “My shirt got dirty at work so I took it off.”

    I stared in disgust and my inner dialogue was more little “You have GOT to be kidding!! You lecherous old bugger” I debated being a friend and filling him in that the look wasn’t working for him any more but then decided against it and let him leave looking that way.

    Funny what a difference a decade can make.

  • I look at my HAWT new boyfriend (a Chump like me) and just shake my head in confusion. What idiot would throw away a Man like that?!!? I know she can’t reallily interface with his brain enough to be turned on by that, either. It makes no sense that a tall, trim, good-looking, well-educated, well-employed, kind, funny, smart Man with the cutest butt, naturally hairless back and full head of hair would ever be kicked to the curb.

    No. Sense. At. All.

    Bonus for me. Lucky. Lucky. Me!!

  • Actually my cheater was a humble one, he seemed to be grounded and aware of his short comings.. no pun intended, although he had a nice fat six inch apendage, he had a complex. He bought pills that pronised to no avail to make it bigger, he also tugged on it nightly in hopes of elongating it. He spoke of going to Germany to get an operation, albeit I told him his penis was the fairest of them all. I m not kidding it was quite mesmerizing, I would have been happy with his till the end of my days.

    I did love him even though I knew he was no longer in his prime at 40. He did still have a beautiful face that I never tired looking at but his inclination for Macdonald s and lack of discipline with regards to the gym turned him in a look Tolkien look alike character. Gnome like and rotund, the barrel shape syndrome of middle aged men, the big belly and skinny legs.

    Anyways, the point is that I loved him bumps and all but they say not to trust someone who doesn’t love themselves because how will they love u????

    • It’s kind of strange, if someone is kind and loving you start to see their beauty shining through. I’ve known attractive people who seemed ugly, and ugly people who seemed attractive.

    • My Ex is quite proud of his penis and it is the focus of his entire self image. The weird domination type sex that he gradually imposed on my was all centered on “worship” of his organ, yes, using that word. TMI probaby but it was quite large. The rest of him is not traditionally attractive (and I described the mucus emissions from his artificial eye, above), but I love the inner person that I thought he was. I actually always thought that he was incredibly insecure about his looks. When I first met him, he had blonde hair kind of curly and long-ish, and a blonde beard and moustache. He showed me a photo of what he looked like as a teenager without the beard and said, “This is what I really look like. Do you still want to go out with me?” I was shocked and assured him that I didn’t care about what he looked like w/o the facial hair. Weird, now that I think back on this. The narcissism is all twisted up with quite a lot of self-hatred. He even expressed this to me in long post D-Day discussions (explosions, really); he said “I hate myself,” over and over. He also said, “Muse, I was a twisted person when you met me, and I’m still a twisted person.” I am filled with both loathing and pity for him all at the same time. All the love in the world, all of my chumpy, pure, honest love, could never fill the black pit in the space where a heart and soul are supposed to be. Schmoopie can’t fill it either. She doesn’t know that yet because they just got started two years ago. I spent sixteen long hard years being the sponge for his self loathing. (oops crying now).

  • So funny, but so true. CW is very attractive, but OTOH, she is 58, and unless you are Christie Brinkley or the male genetic freak counterpart, you simply don’t look the same as you did when you were 30. Her new best friend is 32 (all her old friends are “old, fat, and boring” and have been ditched). Very obsessive about looking young and “hot” to the point where people who have known her are scratching their heads. Plastic surgery that correlated with D-Day. She has bragged about how guys who meet her tell her she is “gorgeous”, “OMG, you are beautiful”, all that. Not that they have any ulterior motive…

    The clothes are really the thing. My mother-in-law, who is no shrinking violet, says the clothes are an embarassment. Every type of high boots. The absolute tightest and shortest skirts you can conceive – think Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

    Sad thing is, she was always atttractive, and more so IMHO without all the 20 something club kid outfits and look. Always told her she looked good, always, for 32 years. But she said it just wasn’t the same as when the new guys flirt with her and really make her feel “desired”.

    • I think my ex wanted to feel desired by someone new too. He essentially said that on dday when he talked about how OW reacted when he touched her. Ugh.

  • My ex was in good shape, a personal fitness trainer, ran frequently, exercised nearly daily, ate well and didn’t smoke, drink or do drugs. I thought he was very attractive, although not the male model he fancies himself to be.

    But when I saw him at court a few months ago, the first time I had seen him in nearly three years, I couldn’t believe I had ever found him to be anything special. He looked like exactly what he is — a loser. I guess his inside ugliness was finally shining through, or more likely, I was finally able to see it.

    The OWs he was cheating with at the end of our marriage were both attractive, younger women. He’s not with either of them for the past few years, but I am sure he is still dating good looking women and men. That doesn’t really matter — his inner ugliness reeks.

  • I’m just going to stand here and say that I get how rotten everyone feels about their cheater’s OW’s (it’s usually OWs who come in for this treatment) , BUT I’m kind fat. And it’s one of the things my ex said to me, just to be cruel (he was slimmer, but certainly had his faults, e.g., a gorilla back). he said:

    “You’re so overweight your body disgusts me, and I can’t touch you.”

    So when I read people here saying, “ha ha the OW is fat”, well, it makes me feel like shit.

    Just thought I would put that out there for a little consciousness raising. It’s hard enough to be in your middle 50’s, with health issues yadda yadda…and to be fat? well, you’re either the object of ridicule, or usually invisible.

    So go ahead and mock all the APs for all their flaws, but please be mindful of this issue. Thanks.

    • I agree with you wholeheartedly, nfv. Other than issues of personal habits and hygiene, I find mocking people for their physical attributes distasteful. It can’t not be the case that many of the attributes being mocked here (including back hair) are shared by various chumps on the board.

      • While I don’t like mocking people for physical attributes either, I think the idea of today’s post is that cheaters tend to think that they are glorious specimens of humanity, beautiful and without imperfection, DESPITE the fact that they are indeed flawed. And they use their delusions of perfection to blame their chumps for being mere humans, with human imperfections.

        I’m 50 years old. I could stand to lose at least 25 pounds, probably 30. My face isn’t as pretty as it once was. I look okay for my age, but let’s face it, my glory days are behind me. So I don’t go around texting naked selfies of myself to my boyfriend, I don’t squeeze my muffin top into jeggings, I don’t go after guys young enough to be my son. Cheaters do those sorts of things, because they see themselves through the goggles of delusion. I have no problem making fun of that. It points to character defect, not physical defect.

        There’s a difference, in my mind at least, between a person of good character who knows they aren’t gorgeous, yet still has confidence and inner beauty and isn’t afraid to show that off; and a cheater who is ugly inside and out, yet acts like they are God’s gift to the opposite sex. One is attractive, the other is gross, even if objectively they are both at the same level of physical attractiveness.

        Sorry, rambling as usual. Migraine meds hitting me hard.

        • GIO…perfectly said! I could stand to lose 30 lbs too. I’m working on it! I’m not giving anyone the business about being overweight because that would be throwing stones. I don’ think that’s the purpose at all here. It’s just that these people actually think they are soooOOooo much cooler than they really are. I’m well aware of my flaws. I read the emails between Cheater XH and OW and jeeze-oh-hell-oh-bells talk about delusional!! He told her how hot she was! Bwahahaha. If only we could post pictures here. They spent a lot of time cooing to each other about how cute the other one was. Believe me, neither one of them were ONE bit cute. Not EVEN close.

        • 3 days late (work deadlines, snowstorms….) I like the comments folk here made. Of course I do! I appreciate the thoughtfulness, and I get it. What a terrific crew; go team ChumpNation. (Even though I am, in fact a lot fatter than those of you who listed fatness 🙂 ) I went to my new German class and the teacher is a lovely chubby lady, and she really rocked it. It made me feel like doing a tap dance.

          You’re right; it’s the inside that matters. (I mean, finding a new mate? honestly, not gonna happen. American men do not go for the fat older ladies, unless its a fetish. And size 14 ain’t fat….at 5’10” (my height) it’s quite svelte for a middle aged woman: I know, I used to be a skinny minnie!) That’s for real, but I can hold my solitary head up.

    • It is not that the AP or the X have flaws that we are mocking. It is that they do not seem to know they have flaws. That they act superior to the rest of us. We are mere mortals, who know we have flaws. I know that even though I am an attractive woman that all other women do not want to be me, and all men do not want to be with me. I am not delusional. My X clearly was. His AP’s clearly were. The were not super sexy beings either. Their attempts at being sexy were actually pathetic — but they don’t seem to know that.

      Your X had the audacity to criticize you for being fat, when he had a gorilla back. Neither is important in a loving, faithful relationship. You don’t go out and have an affair because of those things. The person who uses that as an excuse to justify the affair is unable to acknowledge the real reason — that person has no character.

      No matter what your flaw is, the fact that you know about it, and act accordingly is what is important. I wore a bikini when I was young. There is no way I would wear one now — I’ve had two children and I’m decades older than I was when I wore a bikini. The AP posed for pictures in super slutty outfits, doing things with sex toys. She acted like she thought she was quite hot while doing these things. She wasn’t. The pictures should have been proof enough that she was not. She was very proud of her “abilities”. The intent is not to mock the flaw itself, but to mock the cheater’s inability to see the flaw.

        • Agree with Portia… especially reading where CL said ” we would have loved them imperfections and all. We looked past the stretch marks, the halitosis, and the socks with sandals. We loved with our whole hearts” – given the fact that being cheated on by someone you love despite their imperfections physical and otherwise, is probably one of the worst forms of rejection a human being can face, I think the point is that these Cheaters are just not as fab as they think they are, their APs think they are, and they want us to think they are.

          My cheater was hurtful to me even before I knew he was cheating, by flirting with random strangers, and by ignoring my attempts to look good for him. I recall that one office xmas party where we walked into the party, and he was visibly drooling over a secretary’s boobs in a tight red sweater. So happened i had the same sweater home in my closet and a few days later I wore it and he said nothing so I (wince) asked how do I look in this sweater? (wince). Snort, he said, it’s “not really your style.”

          Then when I decided to let my hair go gray, one time I remarked, wow I look so old, compared to you, with my hair gray, maybe I should dye it again. He said: “I don’t care about THAT.” Chumpily, I thought, well he loves me no matter what! But looking back I realize what he meant was, “I don’t care about YOU.” So maybe that’s party why it feels liberating to make fun of his flaws after so many years of being made to feel really small and frumpy when I really wasn’t, by a man who thought he was Romeo incarnate to every shop clerk… when he clearly wasn’t. But I am sensitive to your comments, Moving Liquid, as a 59 year old menopausal overweight woman myself; maybe some of us just realize we wasted so much time with a shallow, callous person that it feels good to let loose a little humor about the irony.

      • Agreed Portia,
        I typically leave critical judgments at the door and focus on the good in all people. I chose to do that. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I find it offensive that narcissists don’t believe they have flaws.

        I consider myself attractive, but like you said…I also understand that I may not be everyone’s flavor. Not every man in the world will want to have sex with me. I’ve got my flaws too…Lord, plenty of them. But I stare mine in the face, accept them, do what I can to better and personality flaws I may have and go through life accepting that I’m a flawed human being.

        I guess I was more or less trying to point out that we ALL have flaws that we should be humbled by.

        • I’m 10 pounds heavier than in high school, which isn’t bad, but the ow was thinner, and it stings. But like all narcs, it’s their lack of awareness, their inability to see past the end of their noses that makes every bit of them so easy to mock. its the ugliness of their character, wrapped up in whatever package that’s fun to poke at. She’s (mow) skinny, but namedforvera, she will never be anything but a disordered cheating mess of a horrible mother/wife/person, no matter her weight my weight or your weight. And frankly I’ve never heard anyone say, “well, she’s a narcissistic lying bitch, but she’s thin, so I want her to be my friend”.

          You are able to love completely and that makes you beautiful.

    • NFV, well said. That is what I was attempting to convey up further. When we use “menopausal” as an insult, for example, well, fuck that. Every woman will be menopausal at some time in her life. And the list goes on for fat, back hair, nose hair, and other things that we can’t necessarily control. I’ll stick to insulting my cheater and his young whore by their actions, not by their looks.

      But I have been known to have thin skin, and be a bit too serious about shit, and suppose I should lighten up because people are dealing with their horrible pain in the only way they can. This subject does come up fairly often here and I think it’s okay to remind folks to think about their insults a bit so that they aren’t unintentionally hurting other chumps.

      No shame intended. Just sharing opinions.

    • I can see your point, and hey, I am not a perfect specimen myself. I’m 5’10” and a size 14/16. The issue isn’t about being fat, it’s about being self aware. Your cheater was cruel. I’m finding satire in the fact that very flawed people think they are the shit. Your cheater — an odious person — thought he was the bomb and thought it was okay to disparage YOU. Well, that goes both ways. I think it’s okay to point at them sometimes and say “Really? Seriously?”

      Clearly, the ideal partner loves us for us. Not the circumference of our thighs or our dress sense.

    • I was fat on most of my DDays. I blamed myself time and time again. No more. I was also hard working, intelligent, loyal, loving, and a great mother who put her family first. I love a fucking loser. It’s that simple. I put up with his justifications,accepted the blame and tortured myself for years. No more.

      As these serial cheating narcs age we see their ugliness covered with a six pack. He never stopped drinking,smoking pot, cheating, or addressed his porn addiction or pathological lying. He is balding now, very insecure, and still looking.

      He complained about everything, moaned in bed because of his bad back, slept with a heating pad and slept with a pillow between his legs. He can’t hear, says whAt all the time and wants his woman to take him out to eat and pay the bill ,and chip in for vacations. He uses a pump to inflate his crooked pencil penis.

      He defined himself as a good guy. He, like most cheaters thinks he is wonderful but we know the truth. He is disordered. I lost weight, worked on getting my soul back and am SO thankful I finally dumped him when he picked up his disgusting pig. There is no beauty in a cheaters life just arrested development that cannot be repaired. He moved in with his last one and she looks like a deformed dog, aggressive,abusive,and possesive. I laugh now at what he settled for in his new relationship. We can lose weight or gain weight it doesn’t matter. We can do whatever it takes to get back our spirit without ever having to be tortured again. I am finally content and many amazing positive changes have come about since I passed on staying connected to a weighted mass of an anchor. Happy to be free without his weight.

    • Your not alone, ML. I got a little prickly at the discussion of the “cheshire grin.” I was teased as a kid for that, had braces, can’t help it. That’s not something you can do something about. I’ve made my peace with it, and like to think I’m fairly attractive to some people anyway.

      • DN, I’m sorry for writing something that made you feel uncomfortable. Truly.

        I got on a tangent and the nasty started flowing. Of course if OW had not sleeping with my husband, my view of her physical features would be much different.

        I know we all want/need to vent here and feel safe to do so but I also don’t ever want my venting to make anyone feel anything less than empowered. I want this to be a supportive safe haven for all of us, so I’m sorry that my post earlier gave you a twinge from a painful past experience you’ve had, that was notmy intent.
        Hugs to you!

    • NFV, I know exactly what you are talking about. At 62 and most definitely fat That is the reaction I often get, subtle criticism or just outright being ignored. It only hurts if I decide that there is something wrong with me for being who I am…….

      Let me explain….I was a normal sized person around DDay, and up until I lost my son. For a long time after that I was so shell shocked I just didn’t care. I don’t smoke, or drink but I did eat. By the time I healed enough to actually be able to pay attention, I was obese. Years after that were spent dieting and beating myself up for not being thin. Finally I just decided….Enough. I am tired of this. I’m tired of feeling like a second class citizen just because I am overweight. The goal is to make my life better, not take over where the narcs in my life left off. The diet books went in the trash. I asked what kind of exercise would be fun and came up with cycling. To make a long story short, went out and bought myself a recumbent trike……they’re harder to fall off of…..tons of fun. Found myself becoming fascinated with cycle touring….someplace along the way 40 lbs went bye-bye. The thing is….it’s not about losing weight, it’s all about living my life fully. ….being present, mindful, and just having fun. To hell what the naysayers out there think. I am enough. Just as I am …I am enough…..and Girlfriend…..so are you.

    • No one has physical perfection, NfV. It was so outrageous that the MOW, as I know now because of my CSI period, was stabbing me in the back. I read it. I know. And her righteousness of her actions while hiding beneath scripture and “helping people be happy” was her loveliness?

      I really had hoped my cheater was going at it with a young hot chick. But I also suspected his self confidence wasn’t too high and so his actual specimen as his LT GF was an insult to me in a weird way. Even the co worker and x GF were aged cuties, but not physically perfect-certainly emotionally unstable as they either knew me or of me and yet went ahead with the fuckfest. I know a lot of the MOW’s ugliness is her lack of character and her immaturity. I’m sure if she were 16 again, her behavior would make her seem cute. But she’s old. Like me. And her behavior is ridiculous topped with the fact that my 10yr olds have more emotional maturity than her and their father combined.

      Either way, young or old, hot or not, fat or thin these are ugly people. They are ugly soul sucking creeps. Their ugliness seeps from the inside out and no amount of gym time, hair color, tats, Botox, boob jobs, manscaping can make them truly attractive people. I don’t compare myself against these sacks of shit and neither should you.

    • namedforVera, I see what you are saying. Let me say that I think the issue, in general, of “attractiveness” is a difficult one for chumps. After all, we’ve just been rejected. We feel as if we have been compared, not implicitly but very directly, with the AP(s) and found to be less. Less attractive, less intelligent, less sexy…whatever our own reference point is. So I think one of our main hurdles is to get past the question of why our partners found someone else more attractive.

      Now all of these feelings we have, of course, presume that the cheaters are not hyenas or holograms or hollowed-out shells of humans. Because the truth of the matter is that with narcissists, we were “overvalued” in the first place, and then devalued. Whether or not we got the discard depends on whether the cheaters preferred to keep options open for cake, cake, cake or had exhausted the ability to keep up the facade. We weren’t compared to the AP and found wanting. We were compared to the Ideal Kibble Dispenser which the AP represents at the beginning of the affair; we just got demoted or “fired,” if you will, because the narcissist cheater is busy chomping down fresh, fresh ego kibbles, wallowing in the euphoria of infatuation, limerence, and getting over on a variety of lesser people.

      We mistake that promise for the kind of attraction normal people would have for another person and thus get into our mental pick-me dance, comparing ourselves to the AP. And herein is my confession: My first thought about the MOW was that I was nearly old enough to be her mother. I thought that would kill me. She had kids and I didn’t. She had a devoted husband, a living mother, three sibs and a passel of nieces and nephews. And here I am, at 63, no kids, parents dead, brother distant. And I was graduating from HS when she was born. (LOSER!) She is supposedly a great cook (DOUBLE LOSER!) And then I saw her and did a Snoopy dance because she is overweight and frumpy. Via social media, I saw that she can’t write Standard English well, she can’t manage the intellectual feat of keeping Pinterest boards organized, and she is preoccupied with a lot of trivial things. She has no education beyond high school and a really ugly house. (Winner!)

      I get that when people post about fat Schmoopies and STBXs with beer guts or older APs,(or ridiculously young one), it feels like they are posting about all people who are overweight or older or immature and naive. But I think the comparison stage is just something we go through as Chumps. I have friends who are size 0 and others who could lost 100 pounds. I find them all to be very attractive because they are smart and funny and loyal and strong. Myself, I have always been an athlete but gained 50 pounds over a decade that included a high-stress job, marriage to an alcoholic, menopause, and the decline and death of my mother. Post-DDAy, I am back to ideal weight, strong and fit. But I didn’t do that for anyone but me. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on because I had only lost 20 of the 50 I needed to lose. I was the same person, only up-sized. And I’m not running out to get plastic surgery because the MOW has skin that is 17 years younger than mine.

      It helps to see “comparing to the AP” as a stage that many of us go through that has nothing to do with how we look at other people in the world. I think it’s part of our healing. But it’s also good to be reminded that our cheaters would have dropped us for Holstein cows if they could talk and give out kibbles,and our glee at being “better” than the APs in certain ways is just falling into an internal pick-me dance. Maybe getting to “meh” involves getting to a stage in life where we are comfortable being ourselves, whether we are athletes or bad cooks or nearly old enough for Social Security. Here’s to all chumps. I guarantee you have more going for you than the cheaters or their APs.

  • This is a random comment (typical of me!!) but I love the John Legend song “All of Me” which can be applied to today’s post. If you get the chance to listen to it on You Tube, do so. We Chumps can all relate to the words. I try not to listen to it too often as it does make me sad. Enjoy.

    • I love this song too, it reminds me of the wonderful man I met last year who made me feel good about myself again. He’ll probably never know the impact he had on my life but I think of him every day.

      • Verity297, I also think of my ex husband every day. I am now 63 years old and met him when I was 18, when I bounded down the stairs one morning and this dorky 18 year old was asleep on our couch with our family dog. Spot didn’t have much taste but he took to the ex!! I walked past him in my floor length, blue flannelette granny nightie and said hello and left it at that. He worked with my brother and they had been out the night before and had a big night. The ex was smart enough back then not to drive home. We mixed in the same circle for 5 years and then he got the courage to ask me out. That was the beginning of the end for me. However, we have 2 lovely kids (even if they don’t speak to me). We made them and yes, I do think of him every day but not with any affection any more.

    • “All of Me” was the song my new husband and I danced to during our wedding last June. We were both chumps in previous long term marriages, we both thought that we would never love or marry again, but we are now so happy to have found each other. No sparkles here, just normal humans, what a relief!

  • This thread brings to mind a currrent Allstate insurance commercial. The insurance guy says to be careful if you think you have this insurance (pointing to a mini-van) to make sure you’re not paying for this – cut to a Ferrari with a lounge lizard guy wearing an open to the belly button shirt gyrating his pelvis to a rave song.

    • Exactly Chumpguy! And I laugh my butt off at that commercial each time I see it because clearly it reminds me of how ridiculous and sleazy my STBXH has actually become! This makes the point!!

  • X from Hell was not attractive… But the ladies loved him. He would call attention to their insecurities and stand in their personal space. It was obnoxious.
    He did love to stare at himself naked in the mirror.
    He left me for a younger replica of his mother.
    Sick. Strange. Oedipal.

  • My STBX AP was not ugly at all. She was just a few years younger than me, better body, clothes etc… But I think what my X liked was that they were both VP’s at their company. She is VP of HR for crying out loud!! And I’m a SAHM, not as exiting.

    But they broke up after a year when he asked me for a divorce. So not a happy ending for them, and they still see each other at work. She is still married. Losers.

    Anyway, my X is a very confident guy, although hr just told me he feels insecure with everything in his life lately. I’m sure he will end up with a pretty younger woman.

    • Everyone asked me if his slut was younger. What the fuck difference does that make. Now in hindsight I would reply differently. Yes, his piggy whore is younger. He picked her up when my mother died. He wrote her recycled poems he used on his previous one night stands. He tells them all the same shit. My wife is a bitch, she never wants to have sex, and there has been no love for two years. I support her and she is addicted to gambling. You are just what I have been searching for all my life. You are special!!

      If he could find medication to make him tell the truth he would report the following: I am a boring man. I like to go to the casino to drink. While I am there I pick up women at the bar and disappear to talk in the OW car to get a Bj. The only thing I think about is finding some desperate woman to buy my shit and get a hotel with me and fuck the night away. I date all the time(cheat) and I try to find a woman who lives near a beach. I want someone I can manipulate into letting me move in with her and will pay the bills. I will offer her the same vacation I have taken others on(florida beach ). I keep presents my whores buy me and get excited wearing them with my new fuck. I always tell them about our future together living a simple life by the ocean. They always fall for it and he does it again. It has been his pattern for years. It exites him to meet someone while we are together. He loves the challenge.

  • this one hits semi close to home. I say “semi” because it feels to me at this point in my life that I’ve removed myself a million lightning years away from the experience of infidelity and so none of this crap even hurts my feelings any longer. It did hurt my feelings at the time, however, to be told by cheater-sociopath ex that I’ve “let myself go” after the birth of our child, therefore, his cheating was justified. Justified in his mind that is.
    I was traded for a few models, some younger some older. Just for the record, they were ALL unattractive by conventional standards. One was an horribly aging retired stripper with heavily processed bleach blonde hair and very fake set of tits (no offense to anyone with implants, this is more of a personal issue as ex supposedly hated the look of anything surgically enhanced, go figure.) Part of the rationale (behind cheating) for ex was that it was “his chance to sleep with a stripper”- verbatim.)
    As for him: 5’4, bowl legged, very noticeable crooked penis, face full of blackheads, hair full of dandruff…. absolutely nothing attractive about him including his personality. He thinks of himself as some Eight Wonder or God’s gift to women. I actually partially blame his mother for this delusion grandeur.

  • Jackass. Owns 3 pairs of jeans from WalMart, which he pairs with coordinating sweatshirts from the same store. Needs major dental work. Spends $7 on a haircut. Has a suit and a fall sports jacket because I made him buy them for events pertaining to his 18-year old child, where sweatshirts are not the norm. He left the suit at my house and when his father passed away, mid-discard phase, I offered to drive it to his house. He said he didn’t need to wear a suit to his father’s wake and funeral. (It would be different if he could;t afford one or didn’t own one–I know that happens).

    And I picked that. Year 2 I am fixing the picker in every area of my life Teeth required.

    • That reminds me of a relative who got his suit out for a funeral and it was way too big but he hadn’t lost any weight. Ends up they had buried his father in law in the wrong suit (his!) 5 years earlier. Poor funeral director had to cut open the whole back of the pants and jacket to make him presentable for the wake. It’s what happens when there are only 2 suits in the house. Fortunately, everyone still laughs about the poor deceased finally being able to wear a smaller size.

    • I just had a flashback of him suddenly buying new shorts and asking my opinion knowing he was getting close to DDay. He also modeled his boy shirts and asked if I thought they looked good. Guess my piker has been turned to fucked up asshole for way too long. Memories that will turn the dial to a man who that can dress himself.

  • That Johnny legend mentioned above was our song, the cheater would listen to it over and over again saying it was if it had been written for me.. This was last year and then he proposed with a beautiful ring only for me to find out 2 months later he was picking up strippers and then lying about it. But he would let out subliminal messages like they’re whores made to be used and I got a blowjob u should be happy for me!! Then I would get upset so he would back down and say he was joking. . Very funny. I m still so hurt and wondering what happened? Needless to say it was supposedly the beginning of our lives together but sadly the bitter end!!! He is 41 by the way and dresses like a Chicano gangsta or a 20 year old and he likes to fuck 22 year old strippers

  • Dear CL,
    You are so very wise and absolutely hysterical, I have been laughing out loud for the last ten minutes.
    Thank you for the (almost) flat belly laughs.
    Dara

  • I always thought my STBX was incredibly handsome. Lose train of thought when he walks into the room level handsome. But now the very sight of him makes me recoil with disgust and loathing.

    Discovering the cold vortex where his heart should be has produced some deep instinctive reaction, like he’s a venomous snake or something . . .

  • My exH was not the type of man anyone would look at and think he could get lots of affait partners. That was part of his ploy. He was overweight and balding. He had back hair, a Toenail fungus, and enough moles to play connect the dots. I was never physically attracted to him, but I fell in love with who I thought he was. In the beginning he was kind, caring, and he helped me laugh again (I was just getting out of an abusive marriage). The irony is that I have always worked out and been quite fit. Not to impress anyone, but because I love to workout. It helps me deal with my stress and lord knows, I’ve had a lot of that!! I’m 5’9″ and weigh 130 pounds. I’m not the most beautiful woman to look at but I’m not unfortunate looking. Between the two of us, people have an easier time believing that I would cheat. This only helped my exH spread that nasty rumor. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but since my exH spread that lie, I’ve been propositioned by every married creep in my small town :/

    • I forgot to mention my exH would make fun of me repeatedly for working out every day. He would accuse me of wearing “tight little outfits to the gym to get attention.” When I eould go to the swimming pool, he would tell me that the other moms would “roll their eyes and make fun” of me when I “shimmied out” of my shorts. I can assure you, I never put on a production at the local pool. He always wanted me to look good because that made HIM look good, but emotionally- he liked to keep me beat down so I felt insecure. He didn’t want me to think very high of myself

      • MmmHmm..”I’ve been propositioned by every married creep in my small town.”

        I am no beauty, but have good self-esteem and sort of a jolly personality. I have also been propositioned by many local men in this small town. They think I have money but I am no fool. They really turn me off anyway.

        • Exactly shechump! I have a naturally jovial personality as well. Just because I’m nice doesn’t mean I want these creeps. It makes me very uncomfortable because there isn’t a nice way to shut them down and I hate being mean. I’m open to advice from chumplady about how to politely shut down a married man that I still have to deal with because they are my neighbor, or my child’s friends father, or a Sunday school teacher, etc. Honestly I wouldn’t be interested in these men even if they got divorced because they hit on me WHILE THEY WERE MARRIED. Do I look that desperate?? I may be a 39 year old single mom with 3 kids, but I’m also intelligent, educated, funny, fit, and most certainly NOT desperate.

      • MmmHmm, you sound like you had a healthy habit, and got your head straight from working out. Your X was jealous! He wanted to make you insecure, because HE was. I’m glad you kept swimming, and working out! We do those things for ourselves! And, actually, what is wrong with doing a shimmy out of your shorts? If you feel good, you can show it, it’s OK with me, especially if you are a Mom, and middle-aged! I like to work it sometimes, and I just turned 60! I think it’s good for the young women to see that. I’ve done Yoga all my life, since 71, and try to stay fit for me!
        My X for decades tried to put me down about my looks, to keep me firmly in the One-Down spot. Too bad his friends kept telling me I was beautiful, and he was lucky I kept him around. He used to pick the lock on the bathroom door, and stand there watching me put on make up, then he’d say in a voice heavy with sarcasm- Am I pretty yet???
        He told me more than once that I was not allowed to wear make up ( I always have, because my skin is not the greatest!). I just rolled my eyes and walked away, back off Sucker, it’s my body!
        Yes, yes, yes to what all the Chumps are saying about us loving the cheatys as they are, warts and all! My X was 5 7″, kinky red hair, and a quite large Italian nose. I just thought he was gorgeous, because I thought he loved me! Well, he did love me, but also Sandy, Barry, Caitlyn, Lisa, Katy, and on, and on, and on…..
        He looks like crap now, but at least he stopped drinking every day, because DUI, and monthly court-ordered urine tests! (the kids told me this, I never see him)
        Got to go now, CN! I’m going to see a new skin doctor about a laser treatment, go to work, then out to a play tonight with my new Honey! Sending love to all your Chumpy hearts, that love so hard!

  • His OW wasn’t the antelope, she is the ugliest Pekingese dog imaginable. He said she liked CUNTry, calls him daddy, and constantly leaves him messages ending in f me f me. Now that is a man crying out for help. Just the image cracks me up.

  • Okay, I gotta try this too. On D-Day, my ex admitted to me he engaged in individual affairs and group sex for over 15 years. My first reaction was to immediately ask him whether he was using Viagra since his sexual abilities were less than adequate all our lives, and therefore it was hard to envision him being able to satisfy not only one, but two, women at once. He did not appreciate that thought.

    In any event my ex, a narcissist and cheater of epic proportions and a man who turned our lives into a Maury Povich episode and Lifetime Original movie all rolled up in one, literally sucked in bed, from the moment we met and married when we were 26, and for the next 25 years of marriage. And his skills went further downhill over the years if that was possible.

    While he is tall and not bad looking, a good friend described ex as handsome only because he dressed well and took such “good care” of himself. He has a hunched upper back and shoulders, and a bit of a sunken chest which only has a few randomly sparsed hairs which oddly resembled pubic hairs. He also could never grow a full beard or mustache, ever. And his private parts were, how shall I say this? Ummmm….not well-endowed. I once accidentally caught sight of one of my sons getting out of the shower as a teen and could only be shocked at how comparatively small my ex was (gross, I know, but there it is).

    One of his AP’s is now his fiancé, and they are getting married in a large wedding in Rhode Island, within view of the place where my ex and I honeymooned in 1987. I am pretty sure they watch and do whatever such people do nowadays with porn, and continue to have group sex with her best friend who will also be the maid of honor (and there are probably lots of other strange things I haven’t learned or thought of.). People say he looks very old now, prematurely all grey, and looks like a “has-been.” He has broken blood vessels on his face and drinks way too much, and looks it. AP is 8 years younger than me but looks much older, has a face like a pig, is chubby, and she is often mistaken for a lesbian.

    I am now re-married to a wonderful, normal man and living an authentic life and marriage for the first time at the age of 53. Sex is better now than it ever was, even in my youngest days with ex. So let’s say good riddance to these freaks.

    • I can’t wait for normal. My third court date is soon and I am glad I can finally laugh at his stupidity for sharing his years of whore stories with multiple partners at the same time.

    • Hey Kelly-I was married in 87 as well in Massachusetts. Was married for 27 years to cheater ex before I cut him loose. And shocker of all shockers he was as selfish in bed as he was in every other aspect of life. I have no doubts that my future sex life will be better than it ever was!

  • My ex was a good looking guy when he was young, He was lean, muscular and I had “never seen eyes so blue.” (thank you, Heart) He had longish brown hair with natural blonde highlights.I was dark-eyed, with long chestnut hair. We were/are both tall. Over the years, his 6-pack disappeared into a small paunch, his arms and chest became less defined and his eyes faded a couple of shades. His hair thinned and his hairline gradually backed up a few inches. His face became deeply etched with the inevitable lines that come from sun and age. My eyes remain dark but the chestnut hair is not as long and the color is a less striking dark brown which comes from a bottle, is more befitting an older woman whose complexion has begun to fade somewhat and can no longer compliment a darker mane. I thought we were simply aging together and I was proud and content to do so.

    Turns out, he wasn’t content. He didn’t like aging one bit and set out to find his lost youth. To date, it eludes him. So, he goes on, with his growing pot belly, newly acquired man boobs and nearly completely white, very thin hair, which he sometimes wears in a last gasp skinny braided ponytail. This would have happened to him anyway and I would have loved him regardless. But why hang out to care for his sick wife when he could find a younger drinking buddy who would not expect help with the bills and wouldn’t care what he did away from home, as long as he came home…eventually. Hey, there were 5 exes, any number of acquaintances of his and even his brother to amuse herself with. Nephews to flash, friends to revenge fuck. A slut’s paradise…

    The thing is, (and I know this bothers her) I had his youth. She may have him now but she will never know what it was to have his trim body against hers, his young, strong arms around her. She’ll never know what it is to have been young with him. She’ll never see that shade of blue. She has to try to cram so much into time which is getting shorter. Much shorter than she ever imagined because I hear she has cancer. I wonder if he will stick around? I wonder if they have to open her up, will her scars be as amusing for them as mine were? I wonder if he’ll even have a chance to prove he left his loyal, loving wife and step-kids for something real, since his family has been tested for and diagnosed with cancer genes and several of his siblings are battling cancer, in some of its more terrible forms?

    Sometimes, the karma bus doesn’t just hit you. Occasionally, that bastard backs up, peels out and lays rubber all over your face.

    • I found your comment very touching, the idea that we got all the good stuff and swoopie get’s the left overs. I really don’t know how they do it, conversation must be difficult …..what do you share talking when a good 80% of your adult life is “remember when” Hallmark moments with someone else…Thank you, yes, I got all the good stuff, her from 22-45, two great kids and a lot of memories, he gets a angry depressed woman in a full blown midlife crisis.

      • Braveheart, YES. Exactly my situation! The good stuff from 21 to 50 and two great daughters. He gets a wingnut in full blown mid life crisis trying to be 20 again. I will eventually forget her (as much as possible) and only remember the real things (my girls).

    • Beendonengone, this gives me food for thought today, as I have been looking at it the other way around. I’ve been tormented by the idea of OW getting the better version of STBX. He’s been slimming down for her, getting in shape, he dresses way better than when I met him (thanks to me), has a much better job, and while he doesn’t make a lot of money, makes more money than he ever has. I went through the lean years with him, dealing with crazy in laws, struggling to get a house, suffering through infertility issues, and being basically abandoned for his all consuming stock car racing. She gets the mellowed out guy with parental responsibilities only 8 days per month, and all the time in the world.
      But you bring a fresh perspective–at nearly 50, the best is not yet to come. He has back problems and gout, will not be able to keep up the fake healthy lifestyle, and I wouldn’t trade the closeness I have with my daughter for anything. He will never have that.

  • Wowww good story! ! His choice of whore is terrible she was a cheater too. Yup he got a tasteful of rubber when karma bus smacked him!!!

  • I was beginning to think I was the only victim of “World of Warcraft” , the X was infatuated with the game and ended up infatuated with one of her “Guild Mates”….Funny that, because you get to build the character you want to be on these games, and end up falling in love with someone else’s fictional character…

    • Not all ‘in game’ romances are bad, y’know.
      My current partner I met whilst playing a similar game – however, we share a hell of a lot more interests than just the game. The difference is, he’s not a cheater.
      Its essentially the same as finding someone doing a hobby – they’re people with common interests after all.

      • True enough, but in this case It was more a case of a shared addiction and part of the whole fantasy escape to greener grass. There’s whole forums dedicated about marriages that ended over this game, where no OM/OW even existed, just the addictive nature of the game.

  • I’ve been working so much and sick so often I missed this post until now, so late to the comments. I have a different perspective, mine alone judging by what I’ve read.

    My ex was hot and a body builder, and so was I when we met, I hooked up with him with intention of it being only one night (how I wish he hadn’t pursued me now). Anyhow, as we grew older we both got a bit saggier and heavier to some degree. And we’d both get a boot under our asses and worked on our bodies when things got out of hand, I just didn’t realize his boot was not me after a while. At some point only I was doing that, but I didn’t really notice…

    The main thing I want to say is this; I always saw him the way he was when we met, even after 17 years, I saw him through the prism of my love. I truly saw him as hot and physically awesome the entire time we were together. When he cut me off from sex, all my dreams of sex were with him, I wanted him, I was enamored with him and only him. I did NOT really notice he got fat, he balded, his toenails grew fungus (he pointed it out and I somehow forgot). I didn’t notice he got physically ugly. I noticed my own aging and kept myself in shape, but not his. To me he was always pretty.

    UNTIL he nearly killed me. Both my attorney and the PI I hired asked me what I saw in him, said he looked like Saddam Hussein crawling out of his hole. When he gave me a picture, I finally SAW him as he was, not as I remembered, like one of those movie mist things was removed from my vision. It was a moment I won’t forget, I didn’t recognize him in the DUI mugshot, except for the puppy dog eyes he’d used on me so many times. And behind that puppy look I saw the calculation I’d always mistaken for something else. What I’m saying is, I thought he was good, I thought he was beautiful inside and out. I really saw him thru a clouded love lense, I couldn’t even see he’d gotten physically ugly until I detached from him.

    • That brought tears to my eyes DDW, how sad these freaks are, they leave behind (and in your case threaten and almost kill) the people who loved them the most and so well. But it means nothing to them. I too never dreamed of anyone else even when sex with my ex was less than fulfilling and very rare, because I loved him wholeheartedly.

  • Both X and Bimbo THINK they are gorgeous. And if the picture “lies” to them, they simply photoshop. You can’t hide such ugly for long.

    He’s back to wearing his ugly pornstasche, and she is always complimenting herself, telling everyone how much she looks like her 19-year old daughter. Um, your daughter’s hair color is real and she isn’t cross-eyed with colored contacts.

    They see gorgeous; I see assholes.

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