Here’s a new category — Stupid Shit Cake Eaters Say. A chump sent me this lovely text message (name obscured to protect the cake eating) to be decoded or ridiculed, I can only guess. I’m sure we can oblige her.
In one text message this idiot covers all the mindfuckery basics.
Gaslighting!
I never did the things you said I did to you.
Guilt!
My uncle mike said he loves you.
Minimizing!
I never beat you…
Self-pity!
Much to (sic) young to be this. Damn. Old
And the fake apology for the thing he claims he didn’t do and she is making up!
Iam (sic) sorry I ever hurt you all
(When you care enough to not spellcheck or even autocorrect your apologies…)
Just wow. What does this cheater hope to accomplish with his piss-poor badly misspelt text messages? Show he cares? He cares SO much that he sent a TEXT. The lowest form of communication. He cares so much he can’t even proofread, that’s how important his words are. It’s like even HE knows what he says is shit, so why make the effort? He can manufacture another turd at will, I mean, so why craft a sentence?
I think the disordered are like little magpies, stealing and appropriating banal Hallmark sentiments they hope will impress chumps. “I just miss you. The you that smiled.” How original. How shitty and blameshifting too — why can’t you go back to the happy kibble dispenser I once knew? You’re such a BUMMER. But hey, I miss your smile.
It also occurs to me that this text message is like one of those Mothers Day worksheets that kindergartners are given, where you fill in the blanks. Small children come up with funny non sequitors like “A pond I love to watch you fish.”
He’s just so invested in her happiness! Her smile! Heck, he even considered buying her land for a horse! He had a fully formed thought about this! Yes. A considerate iota of a simulacrum of an idea of something he might, perhaps in an alternate universe do for her. Why isn’t she moved by this great outpouring of his emotion?
She’s so unfair! He doesn’t think he is a bad guy. And that’s what matters, isn’t it? How the disordered see themselves? Why can’t you see this guy the way he sees himself?
I see myself as the Grand Dowager of Lockhart, Texas. I’m 20 pounds lighter and have fairy wings. I want you all to kiss my ring, okay? And send me magic cupcakes.
It’s tragic, really. He was really thinking splendid thoughts about himself and then this woman kicked him in the balls when she said “all he did was for himself.” Yes, her very words were emasculating. Could’ve destroyed his cajones! His very manhood depends on her good opinion of him.
Would she and the Stupid Dog he misses deprive him of his balls? When Uncle Mike loves her so? And there is a POND and an imaginary horse she could have?
The poor sausage. Anyone else got any text messages to decode? Post ’em here or send them to the Universal Bullshit Translator.
Sounded like drunk texting to me.
That is exactly what I thought!
Drunk texting for sure!!
“didn’t think I was such a bad guy” And there it is. He truly doesn’t see it for the narcissistic abuse that it is.
My EH ALWAYS said this. Every little thing turned into’ “I don’t think I’m such a bad guy.” The thing was, I never said he was a bad guy. I might have said, “I wish you’d rinse out the tub” or “I wish you could put your dumbbells away so I don’t keep stubbing my toe while I’m trying to make the bed” (I couldn’t lift them or chumpy me would have put them away) but I never said he was a bad guy. I think he had a guilty conscience.
he would always tell me “nothing i do is good enough for you” or “i cant do anything right”. The thing is i never said he didnt do anything wrong, or that it wasnt good enough for me. The fucker had me spinning my wheels trying to figure out how i offended him, what i did that made him feel like i wasnt happy with what he did, and how could i make SURE he knew it was good enough……FOR YEARS!!!!!
i hate how they twist the truth
Oh Lina, my exH always claimed he was a great guy too in spite of all the terrible things he did. He was a firefighter. Firefighters are goo guys! He saves lives for a living! People depend on him! He is special! Says so right in the paper on page 6 where he’s photographed helping a patient injured in a bus wreck! And every time he goes to a restaurant with his crew, the meals were either reduced or free! Everyone loves firefighters! Just look at all the women ready to spread their legs after he gives them 5 minutes of attention! If he weren’t so special, why would they do that?
Contrary to all hard, documented evidence, my cheater looked me in the eye (something he rarely did) and said he was not a liar or a dishonest person.
The cheating? Get real…everybody does it? What a piece of trash.
Mine told me that he had never met the woman, much less slept with her. Funny, to unequivocally prove she’d been intimate with him, she told me about the two tiny freckles on his pecker. (yeah, she got awfully darn close to it)
Mine said, repeatedly, that cheating was ‘just something that happened in relationships’, and not a big deal. Even reassured his mother, during the first affair, that she didn’t need to worry, he wouldn’t leave me. She had to be the one to inform him that if he didn’t stop, I would be the one to leave him.
Not that he learned from that, of course!
Oh! Do I ever! But it will require some digging on my part and being that I am just recently to ‘meh’ is that a road I want to go down? Hm. Will consider and get back to you.
I had a ton of these over 2013. The “not such a bad guy” really resonates. I got “I always thought I was such a good guy” and “I would have never seen myself doing this” and I agreed on both fronts- he was a good guy and I never saw him cheating….until he did. And now all I see are patterns of behavior that I never saw before. And while he had apologized profusely for all the awful blameshifting things he said, it’s too late. The damage done. I’m one year divorced and 2.5 years from Dday and while all this can still hurt (cheated to get out of a 20 yet relationship) I can truly say it gets easier. It hasn’t gone away but I just deal so much better now!
This sounds exactly like my situation as well. The “I really wasn’t that bad of a husband!” Which I totally would have agreed with until after d-day and finding out about ALL the lies.
The sad part is that while I’m pretty much over it all and in the magical land of “meh,” it is HE who is stuck and wants constant validation that he isn’t scum. Yeesh, give me a break!
Tired, my ex is like yours! over 2 and 1/2 ys since DDay #2/end of relationship. There was LOTS of minimizing and blameshifting in the begin, but I really stopped accepting any of that, cut it right off. Now I get the need for validation that he isn’t scum! Most recently, declarations that he so regrets ‘what he did’ (still can’t name it, and it makes it sound like his only ‘mistake’ was the 2nd affair, not the 2st one and the threats and all the selfish crappy husbanding and parenting that were constants both before and after the affairs) and he’s trying so hard to be a better person and not hurt people ever again.
When I don’t respond with what he wants, which is to say I see he’s such a better person and good for him, he is furious! And all the crap starts up again! Fortunately now I can laugh it off, but my gosh, they don’t get any less disordered, do they?
I’m going to just assume people can figure out what I MEANT to say, rather than what I actually typed!
Love this!
Yes Karen- When I stopped accepting any blame and started calling him out on every inch of his behavior, I got “you obviously don’t love me” because I wouldn’t give him any kibbles at all. I’m betting this is what I’m in for next, him trying to get me to say he’s really OK. Not going to happen. I consider your experience a warning for me. Thanks!
when i stopped playing all the head games of how i wasnt treating him right and i did this and i did that to him. most of which my actions were just re-actions to something he did. i put a GPS tracker on his truck, well ya because you were sneaking around and not telling me where you were going. I was emailling people on his facebook. well ya, after you had already emailled them AND deleted made me wonder what you were saying. blah blah blah……i finally quit explaining myself (you cant explain to people who are determined to see badly of you) and only talked to him about the kids and the child support, so then i got “all you ever care about it money”…………………………..wtf. there is nothing else to care about. you fucked everything else up.
then i got “all you ever care about it money”…………………………..wtf. there is nothing else to care about. you fucked everything else up.
OMG THIS!!! I love your response, that’s what I’m going to use the next time I hear those words.
Awesome!! Me too lol.
Karen I totally relate to this! When I caught my exH cheating on Dday #2, he wanted to forget that Dday #1 had ever happened. He acted like that was the past and had already been dealt with, therefore, all we needed to focus on was affair #2 (which as it turned out was affair #4). he started claiming that D-Day #1 never happened. He was just friends with that girl and I made it out to be something it wasn’t. I “just liked to live in the past and never let things go.” He wanted to rewrite history. I can’t tell you how many times I told him “you CANT REWRITE HISTORY.” He would cry and tell me that he would change and never hurt me again. I had to remind him that I couldn’t believe that because I had heard all that befor after Dday #1. I finally realized- You just can’t reason with an unreasonable person. I had to plug my ears to shut out the noise and trust that I wasn’t crazy.
Omg. The “it’s all in my past” was my eX’s response from the moment D’day happened. I remember two weeks after d’day my x swanning down to the local community Christmas carols of which he was on the committee, we had both led the singing at these carol for almost a decade. He had withdrawn our involvement in performing claiming neither of us were up to it but when I asked if they new he was gay his response’ no why should they it is all in my past.” It makes me laugh now as he would always get angry with me whenever I mentioned what he had done and I admit I was gutted and hurt in the beginning so was not nice about it but because in his thinking it was all in his past he saw my mentioning it as an attack on him. How dare I bring up his past.
Anyone who comes out the other side of a relationship with one of these twisted assholes still standing deserves a bravery award.
Oh gosh, MmmHmm, I heard this SO many times; ‘I just liked to live in the past and never let things go’. Well, yeah, fuckhead, when you KEEP DOING the same things, I’m likely to bring up how similar it is to what you did before! And I’m likely to think that the fact you keep doing it means something, it’s important, no?
I think the only thing he retained from the few times he agreed to attend couple’s therapy after affair #1 and some reading the therapist gave him is that in a fair fight, we can’t keep bringing up stuff from the past. Right, we shouldn’t, if it STAYS in the past! Oh, and the ‘soft start up’ thing; he demanded this from me (and believe me, you couldn’t find a softer starter upper than me!), but never appears to have considered the possibility he was supposed to do the same.
Blergh, such idiots! Threads like today’s give me laughs, but also help remind me how thoroughly, completely and consistently he sucked!
I heard a lot of ‘You have to forgive him. Let go of the past.’ Difficult to do when the past was never really talked about (just mentioned by Cheater), no solutions were created to prevent disasters from occurring again, and the past kept being repeated!
yes exactly, I don’t know if I will ever forgive him. My sister says I have to send love his way because he is sick, just like our psyizophrenic brother, I replied, Chris never stabbed me in the back repeatedly, my narc seems to enjoy continuing to abuse me. I just don’t accept it any more. We are almost no contact. I will never forgive what he did to me even if I conclude I forgive the sick f**ck. 34 years of lying, stealing and cheating( twice that I know of, was he really working all those nights I raised our kids alone??). I am 55 years old and will likely never retire due the massive financial abuse. It took a counsellor 4 months to convince me I am an abused woman, I suffer from depression, anxiety and showed signs of PTSD as well. I am getting better, but angrier too, realizing just how much he did to me and that I took it. ARGGHHHH!
Chrissybob, OMG! You hit the nail on the head! I too have a good guy, but once he cheated I see him w such a different view… And so many people tell me, ” Why, he has always been that way, you just didn’t see it, or it didn’t bother you, or you were just in love…”
(( we were together for 28 yrs, and still only living apart going on 4 yrs since d-day))
I, too, had people, family and good friends, tell me after the break-up that they never thought my ex was right for me, that he was manipulative, emotionally abusive, etc. They just never told me this before or during the marriage. I have to admit I wouldn’t have listened (blinded by love and all that) but surely there ought to be something people can do to help reveal someone’s true colours to their loved ones?
Maybe a topic for another CL column. How outsiders can help when they are aware of cheating or just disordered personality.
YES!! My brother didn’t like my ex, my SIL told me not to marry him (I had to beg her to be a bridesmaid), my Mom told me to postpone the wedding over lunch one day. After D-Day, my friends finally said to me, “I couldn’t believe that you stayed with him for so long. He was terrible to you.”
Woulda, coulda, shoulda. The worst part??? I knew then that I shouldn’t be marrying him but I was too caught up in the wedding planning that I convinced myself that the marriage will be fine simply because we had a wedding.
It’s odd that love is so blind! My family disliked him from the start.
I wish I would have been in a better frame of mind to LISTEN to them at the time. But I was so sure he was a good person – he was not. A cheater, very very bad with money, selfish, a hoarder, insecure and irresponsible. One year later – I still am now digging thru shit he said – trying to evaluate whether what his words and actions mean. I wish I could turn that movie in my head off. Even though I am well away from him and doing well – it still haunts me that I didn’t “see” it and that he took such huge advantage of me.
Considering EMDR to rid myself of the damaging last words flung at me – I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy “talking” about the fact that what he said was blame shifting and lies. They persist in my head.
I’m with you chumpfor21. My mom had him pegged as being ‘very entitled’ from day one and she didn’t want me to marry him. She used those words exactly to describe him and most of his immediate family.
Of course you’re never smarter in your life than when you’re 20 and being love bombed by an entitled freak. Oh well, I guess there is no going back but I hope by the time I’m ready to date, I’ve worked enough on me and my picker that I don’t make that mistake again!
Raising my hand too. When I told my cousin that I was divorcing, she started to cry. She said, “I’m so relieved!” We had a discussion about him, and I wound up asking her why she never said anything to me. She just said she didn’t feel it was her place.
I wished she had said something – but who knows, maybe I wouldn’t have taken it well.
I hate to be Debbie Downer here, but I’ll bet this is what XH’s friends say to him, too: That I was never right for him, and I was always so serious, didn’t want to stay out late (well, no, not if I was due to report to work as a DOCTOR at 6:30 the next morning, no!). My challenge (one of many) is realizing people will say what they want and think what they want. And who’s to say they’re wrong. Except XH, he is not a good guy, no matter how you spin it.
NWB, these days I would accept being called “so serious” as an extreme compliment. I’m quite serious these days and I like it a lot. I have no time for people who do not appreciate it.
NWB, I know this is what my ex’s very few friends tell him too. I was too boring for him and the infamous line from him – “you changed”. No, I became a mother and I grew up. I was no longer interested in drinking all night and sleeping all day. Even if I wanted to, who would take care of our baby?!?! Certainly not the ex. So began my downfall, hahaha, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Being a Mom is my number one priority and his is still drinking. Good luck with that life.
How did you get over the thought of the OW having their hands on your children? Therefore making it okay with you to get out.
Same “told you so” here. I told myself so, but still went ahead with the wedding. 15 years later I am recovering life long friends who said they couldn´t stand him, but didn´t want to tell me because he was my husband. And yes, I was the party pooper for his friends because I wanted to go to sleep early (10 pm) …they always forgot the small detail that I was bringing up (alone) two kids that woke up during the night or very early…
Oh wow, ladies. All of your stories resonate with me…lol…too many names to type.
But my STBX also claimed he was “a good husband” and “an incredible father”.
I’m one year and 2 months from my DDay but no apologies or regret…not that it would make any difference.
On a few rare humble moments I did get “you’re more than I deserve”, “at least now you don’t have to put up with my family anymore” and “you deserve someone who loves you the way you love”. And yes, I agree. However, this was all before I uncovered the cheating…once that came out and he *really* had something to feel guilty about (not that he actually feels guilt, just doesn’t want to be judged by our friends & families) all the blame shifting & projecting really amped back up. He actually had the nerve to tell ME that I had acted inappropriately with a male friend years earlier AND that I had even confessed it to him!!! Lmao! What a joke!
I seem to have mentally blanked out all communication with lying, cheater Loki…
However, I got some good texts that demonstrate a very low level of maturity from a post-divorce relationship.
9/26: F*** you mother f***er
[To which I did not reply,]
10/2: I love you
10/3: I love you
10/4: I love you,
….. [x7]….
11/16: F*** you. I hope when you look back you realize the good man you threw away.
[we were together for two months and he ended it in August when I insisted on traveling to another state to assist with the birth of a niece]
The power of NC. I saw a clip on pinterest: “I really like you, but if you don’t like me I hate you.”
I am glad Marriage to a Narc led me away from BPD(?) Freakazoid Text Love Bomb Cannot See What Makes a Creep above.
I so wish I could find the picture I took of ex’s phone shortly after dday…..he left it out for me knowing damn well that I would look through it after dday. He was kind enough to leave a note in there about me looking through his phone (i never did in the 15 years that we were married) and that he isn’t fucking seeing her anymore and that she is a c-bag and he isn’t doing anything wrong. Now, doesn’t that scream I am sorry and remorseful???? Douchebag….
Mine would do that to, leave the phone availible knowing I would see the damage. He said he was going to do what he wanted and not try to hide it. And all calls, were less than a minute long. But he didn’t realize that you can retrieve deleted voicemail messages on an iPhone. So. I found out she was leaving him drugs underneath the outdoor cat bed he had for some feral cats he was taking care of. Sweet guy.
My cop friend from high school said I should turn them in, but I was too much of a chump. It sure does make a cheater mad when you catch him when he wasn’t trying to get caught though.
I love that he’s not seeing her anymore and SHE’S the c-bag. Nice. Very classy.
Yeah, it was ridiculous…. The note was specifically left for me and he left his phone on the nightstand knowing full well that I would look. He is law enforcement and to me it was just a set up. After all, can you blame me?? I had found out just a couple months prior that he was lying and cheating and was talking/texting her almost every fucking day. I guess his “privacy” was important and I should just stop being nosey and maybe do some more chores/cooking/cleaning/minding the children/working/managing the household. lol
And yes, to call her names…..um, okay….you were fucking her, not me. I guess she wasn’t the greatest choice, but she was YOUR choice at the time.
It is always everyone else’s fault. The MOW’s fault for being a c-bag, my fault for looking in his phone and finding his “note” to me. Hell, maybe the kids looked at him funny. Who knows….
All I know is this. GOOD RIDDANCE. 🙂
I forgot to mention that after that I received some emails from his sisters and also the husband of the gal he was screwing behind my back, I had printed them out and left them face down on my dresser and guess what??? He had no problem going through my things. I guess my privacy didn’t matter to him. I had nothing to hide so it was not big issue to me at the time… it just showed his character once again.
It is funny now to think of how dysfunctional he is and always was and will continue to be. I just tried to always see the best in him but not anymore. He has shown me who he is and I believe him. He is a piece of shit who stinks. ppppppuuuuuuuu!
Casey-one of the ex’s most famous lines after Dday was “he never tried to hide his affair from me.” I suppose in his twisted head that meant that he was somehow better than those ‘bad cheaters’ that tried to hide their affairs from their spouses.
Let me clarify what he meant by “not hiding” it. He lied about where he was going (the gym on Sundays, for example) and he never came right out and told me he was having an affair, but he was kind enough to never delete the OW’s emails or text messages from his phone.
That was of course before he realized I was in fact capable of checking up on him because after dday when I demanded no contact and she did contact him-he would delete those messages and emails. When I confronted him about those deleted emails and text messages he told me in that case he was just trying not to hurt me because her contact didn’t mean anything???
After a while I got sick of hearing about he was so awesome ‘for not hiding the fact that he had an affair.’ so I responded back “Of course you didn’t. You were too much of a coward to tell me how you were really feeling so that was your preferred way of having me find out. So I would end everything and you wouldn’t be the bad guy.”
He didn’t have much to say after that and it wasn’t that long afterwards that we were divorced.
Yeah, mine said “I never disparaged you to her” and “I never took my wedding ring off.” I can’t wait to be rid of him.
CS, mine did hide the affair from me. After dday was when he left his phone out so that he could catch me snooping.
He never once mentioned her EVER, or spoke of being unhappy or unsatisfied in our marriage. His cheating completely blindsided me.
He had lied before about other things that I know of, like secret credit cards and his family issues but again, in my mind, we had conversations about those things and how he had no need to lie to me and so on. I never brought those incidents up again as I felt they were addressed. Funny thing though, he would always tell me that I hold grudges and so on. Well, gee if I was really one to hold grudges, why didn’t I hold those incidents against him.
After I went through his phone and started trying to make him accountable he didn’t seem to like it. Plus, how dare I question an officer of the law and a military guy…. Well, because he is a douchebag. LOL
And some final gas lighting and blameshifting all rolled in to one efficient verbal turd missle : we never see who we really are, do we.
Translates to: You are as guilty as I am. You are as bad as I am. You just don’t have the self awareness that I do. In fact if you want to get right down to it, you are worse than me.
A favorite ploy of poor sausage xh.
Fodder for the translato: Not text message but spoken. “You are the most dangerous person in the world to me because you are the one person on the planet that I abuse.”
Such a saint doncha think?
Yeah, my ex says ‘no wonder we’re no longer together’ when he’s pissed that I don’t respond to him as he wants. Geee, I thought it was because you cheated, were a negative, selfish person and bad parent, threatened me very scarily, then cheated again. Oh, but I guess all that pales beside how hard I am to talk to.
Well, it WAS the chick in the pit who was the final undoing for the psycho killer in “Silence of the Lambs.” But those other victims (whose skin he was… umm… “borrowing”…)? Yeah, they were REALLY dangerous to the psycho… as his victims…. (good lord, the gall of these idiots)
“It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told.”
Does this cake-eater want a metal for not beating her and not sneaking out windows!?! Like my name says – uneffingbelievable!
Thats modern philosophy in a nutshell, you hear musicians, sports stars, etc all say, “i didnt beat her/him, i didnt smoke grass or shoot dope”…unfortunately finishing the thought usually ends with some other kind of mental or emotional abuse…
“Does this cake-eater want a metal for not beating her and not sneaking out windows!?!!”
Yes, the do! They figure that as long as they don’t KILL anyone “for sport”, they’re “good” people. Since “everyone” lies and cheats, they see themselves as “normal”…
…and WE are the “disordered” ones, dontchaknow?!
I could fill a library with the dumb ass texts that I have received. I received this text after a discussion about not sending our kid to visit with him and his tweeny booper…. We were still married and they were living in a dorm room. ‘ leave me alone. I fucking hate you. What the fuck did I really do to deserve this from you? I fucked up but had no chance to stand up’ and then ‘ i willstay in the gutter whereu need me so you can feel good about yourself. Just leave me drown on my own’
And another …. After he assaualted me and i told him he couldnt come into the house for his child anymore’ Rightttttt the one time that you have ever seen me mad and you blow it outa proportion’ fuck you and your fucking idea of how this all turned out. You fucking lie to yourself to make yourself happy.”
Ya…. And all the other’ you couldnt see a good man standing right in front of you cause you wouldnt let me stand up. You will always hold over me the fact that i lied. So what. I lied. Get over it’
TheClip – wow. I mean wow. Incredible blameshifting there. My STBXW has sent me many text messages just like this. I could go back through my files and find them, but that usually results in me falling down a rabbit hole for 2 hours.
Hey Clip. Wow. Classic projection. What a f*ck up you got rid of.
Well, he lays the abuse right out there for all to see. And to remind you to Trust That He Sucks.
“So what, I lied, Get over it” Heard this line the ENTIRE relationship, simply replace the ‘lied’ with whatever the offense of the moment was. “Get over it” was always the response – so eloquent, so empathetic, so compassionate…get over it.
I am now 😀
If he was going to steal some Garth Brooks lyrics, I think he’d have been better off with the song Thunder Rolls than Much Too Young (To Feel This Damn Old)
Hehe, agreed! 😉
Is it just me who is totally flummoxed by, “I never beat you or climbed out windows“??
What, because climbing out of a window, humming A-Shagging-I-Will-Go would be an actual screw over worth getting pissed off about? Or … because hey, at least he didn’t a) chip the paint (with those hobnail boots that I will be using to painfully rake your back) or b) let the cold in?
Or is the window some deep Chekovian reference to the moonlight and glinting glass romanticism of it all? I know, I am unreasonably fixated on the window!
I’ve concluded that this whole text rivals Vogon poetry:
Ah freddled gruntbuggly,
Thy micturations are to me,
As plurdled gabbleblotchits,
On a lurgid bee,
That mordiously hath blurted out,
Its earted jurtles,
Into a rancid festering confectious organ squealer.
Now the jurpling slayjid agrocrustles,
Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts,
And living glupules frart and slipulate,
Like jowling meated liverslime,
Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turling dromes,
And hooptiously drangle me,
With crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or else I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
See if I don’t.
Nope, I take it back – Vogon poetry makes far more sense. Freddled gruntbuggly indeed.
LOVE THIS… HItchhikers makes me smile.
Lol, nice! We need to write a Hitchhiker’s Guide to Chump-Nation
Love me some gobblety gook! Gobberwarts might be one of my new favorite words. Leave a Gobberwart, Gain a life.
I won’t lie – there are a number of gobberwarts I’d quite like to rend with a blurglecruncheon. See if I don’t. 😀
Brilliant!!!
Every chump should have a blurglecruncheon for the gobberwarts. 🙂
New name for cheaters, “rancid festering confectious organ squealer/s” (ARFCOS for short).
“Is it just me who is totally flummoxed by, ‘I never beat you or climbed out windows’??”
It probably means that he planned to beat her or climb out windows and chickened out. Or maybe he really did climb out a window. Or he did both with a previous partner. Nutjobs like this can show you a lot about what’s going on in their mind from what they say.
Yeah, I think that’s it. My ex said ‘but I never left you!’ after each of his affairs, and ‘I didn’t actually physically hurt you’ after threatening me very very convincingly. Guess he thought of those as possible options, and I should be grateful he didn’t go with those??
OMG!!! I thought I was the only one going through these same thing as I know no one else that has experience infidelity! I’ve not found others talk about the sh** that the ww feeds the bs. Here all of this time I have been feeling so guilty as if something was so wrong with me and why I couldn’t go back and make it all work again… It’s because of reason as mention like others say as I’ve experience some of theses same things. Never knew it was project, or gaslighlighting…
Welcome, Sammy, to the club no one wants to join. Keep reading, it makes it all makes sense ….
My cheater wanted to send Christmas gifts to my family following Dday. I suggested that they didn’t want them and to stay away from my family. He replied that they could decide that for themselves and I followed with a “You fucked her in our bed. They don’t think that’s ok.”
He dropped it.
He seriously thought that only I would have a problem with that and my family would love the gifts the chosen one had selected for them.
Disordered delusional cheater thinking.
My ex still wanted to come to my sister’s place for the long weekend, a couple of weeks after I found out about affair #2 and said we were done. I mentioned that my brother-in-law has guns, and might mistake him for a turkey!
might mistake him for a snake….
Ha! Mine suggested that even though we were separated he could still come on my family’s beach vacation… And share a bed with my (single) brother!!
Yeah, mine looked shocked when I told him my parents will not be at my home ( which they had just traveled 2,000 miles to come to visit) when he came over to get the kids, because they did not want to be around him. He actually didn’t understand why they wouldn’t like him anymore. Idiots.
When I was stupid enough to take ex back in bogus reconciliation, I told him my mom really didn’t want to see or talk to him. He looked all hurt, and said, “What did I ever do to her?”
My ex was ready to come to my father’s funeral. My dad was dying of cancer the same year cheater boy was carrying on his affair. What perfect timing – let’s cheat on your spouse when a parent is sick and dying. Said he really wanted to come and pay his last respects because he was an honourable man.
Mine did send (strange) presents to my nieces & nephews. I still haven’t told him that nobody wants to hear from him…. trying to keep as NC as possible. It’s not like it’s going to make any difference to them, and no reciprocity, so.
Yep, similar here. My stbx wants to remain friends with my brothers. He is so delusional. My brothers want to sneak up on him one dark night and beat the crap out of him. He also couldn’t believe our church kicked him off the elders board for his behavior. He said “M is still on the elders board and he is divorced” and I said “Yes but his wife cheated on him and left him,” and he said, “So why can’t I stay on the board?” I literally had to explain it to him that I was the betrayed spouse and could still be actively involved at church and he was the adulterer and therefore was not welcome in anything at church until he repented (which he’s never done.) Duh! My counselor said narcissists literally are brain damaged. That’s a good way to say it.
There is scientific evidence that the brains of those with NPD/Sociopaths/Psychopaths are formed and ‘wired’ differently than the non-disordered. Different regions of their brains are either smaller or larger than the normal brain and the neural pathways are different.
Makes sense. I just wished they grew a third ear or something too so that we would know to steer clear.
^^THIS^^
Oh my Nicole! My cheater asked me to speak with his good friend’s cheating spouse, you know, “to get a better idea of what is going through her head.” I told him, “why don’t you just tell him what’s going through her head, you’re a cheater.” He was totally befuddled. He doesn’t get that she’s a cheater, and I’ve been cheated ON.
I’ve got a good Christmas story for you. My cheater came here for Christmas day( what a mistake). Because his daughter told him in no uncertain terms she did not approve of his lousy behavior, she got–wait for it– a jar of olives( she hates Olives) and a $30 starbucks gift card which he tried to trade for the $15 one she gave him. Our son( who was still potentially won over, got $200 worth of a duvet cover and sheet set). I am a chump for allowing it. He left before dessert, texting he knew when he wasn’t welcome–no kidding Einstein!!
As we see so often with cheaters, even their lame attempts at reconciliation are all about them.
To wit: in this Fucksqueak’s one (1) half-witted email he refers to himself (“I”) eleven (11) times.
And how many times does he say. . .
“I was wrong.” Uh, zero.
“You deserve better.” Zip.
“I love you.” Nada. Though he makes a point of saying that his family loves her. Oh, and also that Uncle Mike loves her. Uncle Mike? WTF? Maybe she should date Uncle Mike?
Pity play fail.
“We realy never see ourselves for who we are. Realy are do we”
Um, I think we all see this doltish derp-machine for the tool that he is.
“Realy?”
Yes, you bag of wet farts. realy.
Uncle Mike is probably the one who groped the poor chump last Thanksgiving when he thought no one was watching. Should read, “Creepy Uncle Mike.”
Looks like prairie dogs in the cube farm here, I’m laughing so hard! Pure comic gold!!!!!
Hah! LOL Tempest, probably not far from a disordered family’s truth!
OMG! My niece calls my ex Creepy Uncle. Apparently, because he groped her at the last Thanksgiving before my Mom died and no one told me until after DD! I spent 3 more years with this freak before I finally caught him at OW’s house because everyone kept his secrets. Why do they do that? I have yet to receive a satisfactory answer to this question. Plenty of reasons why not, though. “You were sick and we didn’t want to make things worse,” and “We didn’t want to hurt your feelings.” And, my personal favorite, “We didn’t think it was our place.” Notice the “we” and “our,” which means they had no problem telling each other. It was just me they couldn’t tell. If it isn’t my sister’s place to tell me that my 43 yr old husband had groped my 14 yr old niece, whose was it? How was letting me find out on my own going to hurt less? Did not telling me save me an inch or 2 of my colon or stop the MS? No. I was very approachable. I told all of these people at one time or another that I thought something was going on and asked them what they thought. How much of an opening do you need??!!! I’m sorry but I still deal with the LIES I was told by him AND for him. But then, all of hem, at one time or another, has cheated on a spouse/SO so I guess I’ve answered my own question. I just don’t understand the hyena pack cheater dynamic, I guess. It has caused terrible rifts and left me feeling violated and distrusting and just very, very sad.
Beendonengone–I don’t know if this will help. I had a family member who was a chump, and we used to avoid her husband at weddings with warnings of “pervert alert.” To this day, I cannot tell her this about her H. Why? Because we knew she’d never leave him (she stayed with him until he ended his affair, even knowing it was happening), and we didn’t want to cause further hurt. If I thought it would have helped her leave, I’d have told her, but I knew it wouldn’t.
Now that I know about chumpdom myself, I might approach things differently, but my younger self could not have done anything other than what I did.
Oh my goodness, I could keep you busy for a loooonggg time with stbx’s texts and emails. Here is one of the best, an email with the subject line “THE END”:
– – – – – – – – –
Dear “Lizzy”,
We both know what I did was wrong, but how you are acting now is cultivating it and making it worse. How you can go almost 6 weeks apart after 24 years of marriage without any effort, it just reinforces all the insecurity feelings that I have had for all these years. Actually, you have confirmed what I suspected, it was not insecurity, it was real. Guess what………You have just as much invested into this as I do, yet you will only use what I did as a excuse to continue acting this way. You always have to throw low blows in, any chance you get. “I am going to see a counselor for MYSELF,” “It is YOU that did this”,etc. It has always been that way, that’s why I have always had difficulty opening up to you. You can justify your actions all you want, but what you are doing is no less than what I did. At least I faced my issues and am trying to become a better person…….you continue to cultivate your behavior intentionally…….and pass it on to the girls.
Well guess what………I am done with this and you. You have succeeded in driving me away. I don’t want a god damn thing to do with you again. WE ARE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
– – – – – – – – – – –
my favorite line: “what you are doing is no less than what I did…” in reference to my going NC with him. THANK YOU CL for helping me see this garbage for what it is. When I received this 2 months ago I actually felt guilty!
Yeah, ignoring him for 6 weeks is much worse than cheating on you. False equivalency much? And uh, going NC with him is a result of his cheating. Dot connecting not his strong suit I see.
Agreed. Because not tolerating infidelity by going NC is certainly “cultivating it.” Ha. I think not.
Thank you “false equivalency” I didn’t know what to call it! He cheated, lied, spent $400000 of our retirement savings based on his lies, and refused to work almost all of last year, meaning i get no spousal support, but I got discarded because I couldn’t forgive him for cheating for a year with a friend of ours while the financial abuse went on and because I am “always so negative”. Sheesh, I wonder why? narchole!
Wow, Lizzy, earlier receiving a message like this would have totally made me look at my own issues and distracted, which was your x’s point. What a jerk! justifying because of the insecurity you “made” him have.
Some cheaters may be sending messages like this deliberately, as an attempt to manipulate their chump.
But most probably just genuinely believe the drivel they spew. They are reverse engineering your post-d-day behaviour to justify their pre-d-day actions. “See how easy it was for you to put me out of your life after I cheated? I sensed that distance all along which explains why I felt driven into the arms of another.”
Agreed–they do believe this drivel.
I’m not sure they actually really believe it, but I think they say it often enough and don’t want to think about what is real or not, so it’s close enough ….
My mom used to complain when we were kids about our ‘selective deafness’; we never heard her the first or second time she asked us to do a chore, but somehow when she said ‘supper’s on the table’, we heard it perfectly every time!
I have decided that my ex has selective stupidity. Smart at work, smart when studying, but chooses to be incredibly stupid in his personal life.
I used to feel people who wronged one were unsure and confused and were just brought up disadvantaged and not really malevolent, believing the drivel they spewed, but the more I learn about personality disorders the more I think they are manipulating for whatever advantage they can to come out as the “winner” and to not be shown up or called out, especially by one they looked down upon from their entitled perch.
I went completely NC after Dday too and I think it really pissed my ex off because it made him look bad. He seemed to think I was being ridiculous. I just had to get away from him, he was literally killing me.
Anyway Lizzy, it’s funny that your ex took such offense to the truthful statement you made: “I am going to see a counselor for MYSELF,” “It is YOU that did this”,etc. How dare you not point the finger at yourself for his actions?
Lizzy, apparently you are doing a lot of cultivating, I hope you have a garden! 😉
OMG-what is with cheaters and their overuse of “…….” I got an email from the ex with a lot of “…….” and I just had to laugh the whole time I read it. I deleted every email and text he’s ever sent me so I don’t remember exactly how it went but I do remember the excessive “……..” usage.
Perhaps there is a connection between the fact that they don’t know how to connect the dots that they overuse them in sentences where it makes no sense? I always thought that it was something newspaper writers used when they left text out of the body of the paragraph. Or like the infamous ‘yada, yada, yada.’ Something is missing from the sentence? Perhaps I am trying to hard to untangle the skein.
He’s an excerpt from an email I got from my STBX. Eerily similar to Lizzy’s. I really am starting to believe that there is a book for these idiots out there, or as Divorce Minister says, dark forces are at work.
“I cannot reconcile how our relationship could go from living together under the same roof and speaking to each other every single day, barely more than half a year ago, to where it is today and where it has been since the summer – to having zero communication and not being able to be comfortably in the vicinity of the other person. I know that much of our relationship was a lie for the previous 9 months, and that I am responsible for that. I am forced to deal with the consequences of that on a daily basis and carry around everything that that means. But even understanding that, I still cannot see how things could be like night and day; from one day to the next. I go along with it because it is what you are trying to pursue, but I don’t understand it and I don’t think it is helpful. Forcing yourself not to care and carrying around all of the anger and grief is not the way to get rid of it. I’m sure that you know that.”
“But even understanding that, I still cannot see . . . ” “I go along with it because it is what you are trying to pursue, but I don’t understand it . . .”
Forced to deal with the consequences of his actions on a daily basis! But can’t understand the night-and-day difference those consequences mean! How could things go from normal to consequences just overnight like that? Does not compute!
It is not what he did that is the problem, it is your incomprehensible reaction to it! It is not helpful!
A certain court file, several binders thick, is now filled with stupid s–t one cheater (mine) has said over the last year. This s–t was said directly to me in some cases (face-to-face, e-mail, text, phone) and to judges in others. I wish that anyone contemplating marriage could see this file to avoid falling into the abyss into which I fell.
Yes, RockStarWife! I’d like people contemplating marriage to spend time contemplating the possibility of a 50/50 chance of divorce, too.
“I just miss you. The you that smiled.” Oh, I can one-up that one. I received these gems the day I filed because he was a complete uncooperative a-hole in our one & only session of MC. Here is his response to being told I filed (still thinking he could make demands to win me back, ‘cuz I guess filing and forking out $313 was just a ploy to get him to come to his senses. Eyeroll).
“I am still in love with the old Tempest. I cannot forget — I will never forget — your happy entrances when you came home, the sparkle in your eye, your wit, your company, your love for me, and our many good times together [editor’s addition: “the sparkle in your eye that I took away by screwing my way through the university coed population]. I miss her very much.
“I think that we can fix all that has been wrong, but only if you can let the past go [editor’s addition: READ: “I want my Kibbles back!!! And please stop hounding me about my affair, because if you keep digging. you will find the other affair, too.] If you can’t — if you can only stay tense, angry, anxious, untrusting, moody, unhappy, and jealous (as you are now) as a result of the affair — then I do not see how we can avoid divorce.”
“I am still in love with the old Tempest. I cannot forget — I will never forget — your happy entrances when you came home, the sparkle in your eye, your wit, your company, your love for me. . . .”
Oh, I think I can translate from the Cheaterspeak: “I love kibbles! You were good kibbles! YUM YUM YUM! Kibbles kibbles kibbles! What happened to my kibbles? Give me back my kibbles, damn it! I want my kibbles! Kibbles, kibbles, kibbles!!!!”
EXACTLY! And never mind that he didn’t appreciate that ‘old Tempest’ enough to DO anything that would keep her in his life, like keeping his pants zipped. Blergh.
…”me me me me me your love for me me me your love for me me me….”
They are opera singers arent they? Mememememeeeeeeeee
I like this one, Scott. It is such a concise explanation of why the marriage failed . . . “He/she was an opera singer!”
Wow Nomar! I could only think of this commercial after reading what you put.
Get me some Beggin. Yummy!
This was hysterical….Thanks IHH.
“… But only if you can let the past go.” — IOW: Please ignore the body under the bed. I know it’s been there for a couple of weeks now and is really starting to stink up the joint, but, seriously, I killed that person a long time ago now and really don’t see why you have to keep harping on it! Geez, Chump, c’mon! Evolve! 😉
Good Lord, Tempest, your ex is a real treat. Sounds like he would be happiest with a golden retriever that would always bark happily whenever he got home, no matter what bullshit he pulled.
I always figured he wanted one of those realistic animated sex dolls, with an embedded computer chip programmed to talk about his academic subject with him.
Insulting judges… now that utterly delusional. You would think that at some point, perhaps when is is strapped to an electric chair or something, he might just figure out that he is not the center of the solar system. Amazing utterly amazing… do you count your lucky stars everyday that you don’t have to live in his head or now near that body.
” I. AM NOT. AN ASSHOLE.” said with steely blue eyed intensity, 2″ from my face, in response to me saying that someday he would be held accountable to everyone he’s harmed. (you have to insert the pregnant pauses in there for the right effect).
“I know what I’m saying doesn’t make any sense, but you just attack me with these things (erm, facts?). So don’t pay any attention to what I say initially.” There was something about “not scrambling well” in there, too.
“Sphinx, things would have been so different had you just done what I said.” Like what, cheaterpants? “Like when you joined facebook when I told you not to.” I was initially informed of my XH’s newest fuckbuddy via fb message.
Yyyyyyyyyyep. If I had just done everything his way, then he wouldn’t be exposed as the liar and cheater that he is.
Why didn’t I think of that when asking for a raise at work? Hey Manager Guy! If you just do it my way and give me the raise, then everybody will be happy!! (especially ME! which is what’s important here, right? you want to keep me happy, right? Because hey.** I’M JUST THAT GOOD!)
**Cheater actually said that to me after D-Day #1. I said, “Why would I want someone around me that refuses to get/keep a job, cheats and lies to me? —-“Because, Sphinx. I’m just that good.”
Had I been thinking, I would have said, “At WHAT?” EH….. L’esprit de l’escalier.
“Because, Sphinx. I’m just that good.” Narcissism in a nutshell.
The final straw that had me end bogus reconciliation and finish the divorce was when ex said, “I just don’t see any reason to work on this marriage when you won’t accept me if I don’t have a job.” I asked him if he really thought I was going to wait around until he felt like working on the marriage. His reply was, “Yes, you’ve never given me reason to believe otherwise.”
Thank God I called my attorney the next day and told her to proceed.
I’m not going to dig it up right now, but my ex sent me a long, “heartfelt” letter about how difficult it had been for him — dealing with my emotions, feeling hated, feeling watched and untrusted. He went on at length about how much he hated himself for hurting me in this way, and how I needed to understand his pain, too. That he loved me and missed me–where had the “old me” gone?
It was later determined that he wrote me these letters on his blackberry while on a lakeside trip with the OW. Unfortunately, no one drowned.
I didn’t realize that people could be this dishonest, manipulative, delusional, cruel — until my ex revealed his true self. I don’t think most people ever realize get a front-row seat to the narcissistic crash and burn of a cheater. No doubt people still believe his lies. I’m glad to be away from all of it.
Shoot — that’s me, LilyBart. I hate when that happens. :-/
fixed!
Thanks!
LilyBart – I read the first couple sentences of your post and started longing and wishing I got a message like that from ex just ONCE. Even before the divorce. Even after the divorce. Yeah – big chump here, still waiting for him to show or express any kind of remorse or even how he missed my smile. Then, the the ‘Where have you gone?” just totally cracked me up and took me out of that stupid meloncholy road! Thank you.
Awww…they miss the spackler, the “old” chump who rationalized away their assholiness.
Well, she is GONE for GOOD.
Yeah – be careful what you wish for. And the fact that he wrote this manipulative, self-focused phony letter while he was on a planned trip with OW? Just beyond my understanding. Did she edit his typos while he lied to me about where he was and explained to me while the breakdown of the marriage was my fault? Crazy people.
Mine did that to me also. Texted me after I left him after Dday, telling me I had my priorities all screwed up, while vacationing in Boston with OW right next to him. Crazies. They’re all crazies.
No, she didn’t correct his typos, because she probably didn’t know he was writing you. I’d bet he lied and told her it was work (or something like that), just like he would have told you. Or she did know he was emailing you, which made her dance even harder when he was done.
LilyBart……….”I didn’t realize that people could be this dishonest, manipulative, delusional, cruel — until my ex revealed his true self.”.
I didn’t realize it either and the intensity of it and damage it causes! I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (since age 8), it is out of control right now because of the stress that I have allowed from this entitled narcissist! 1st DDay was 10/2012. 2nd DDay was 10/2013. Virtually no contact; an email/text here and there since then. It’s eating me up alive because it took so long to ‘get it’. Now that I do, I have this overwhelming hate that I can’t get rid of. I feel my final letter of letting him know how I feel now will help so much to finally get it off my chest.
CN not to worry though, he will not respond. Cowards don’t.
You’re right, he probably won’t respond but write it anyway. So therapeutic!
Do whatever is best for *you.*
I wanna write one of those letters! Stupid chump here when I was feeling weak (admittedly on major doses of pain killers at the time for a shattered bone in the hospital) I poured my heart out to him. Apologized that he was living in a trailer and how hard that must be. How he didn’t really do anything very bad… and blah blah. When I wrote him a NastyGram after that, he threw this email back in my face. I was horrified I wrote all that I did and hardly remembered it. I told him I was on heroin-doses of medication at the time and I didn’t mean one damn word of it (ya, I can play mindfuckery too). I think he knows how much I hate him. (well – ice cold to mild warmth) and since I bared my soul to him in my email – I guess I was expecting him to bare his soul – just a leetle- to ME. Nope – I’ll never know anything he thinks or the reason he cheated on me. Why why do I do this? Heroin – , yeah – that’s it. NEVER AGAIN.
SheChump…..I wholeheartedly agree with what Tempest says……”Do whatever is best for *you.*”.
“I expect nothing but I would like to be treated as an equal. I would like you to treat me like you would like to be treated.”
OK, for starters, here is how I would like to be treated, I would like to not be lied to or cheated on. Sheesh.
I like that “I always wanted to get you a horse!” Reminds me of the childhood trope, “I always wanted a pony.” Hey, jerk, I’m sure the chump would have been happy with your cheating if you’d only bought her a horse.
Plus embedded in that non-sequitur is an insulting and stupid bribe/taunt: “If only you had stayed with me and toughed it out a little onger, you would’ve gotten a pony! Think of that–a pony! All for yourself! Just like you always wanted! Because I wanted to get you one. But you blew it by walking away. See what you lost? A pony! I hope you’re happy with yourself and your new pony-less life. Because that’s what you get for making such selfish and short-sighted choices. No pony for you!”
Typical cheater “deal”: No pony, but plenty of horseshit.
LOL
Love it nomar!
For “pony” just substitute “unicorn” and it makes perfect horse sense!
Perfect Nomar as usual!! No pony but a lot of horse shit.
No pony for you!
Like!
You nailed it!
He later added – how bout 2 ponies and a dog? And…you should let me move home I won at cards last night. Ugh.
He did climb out windows – very quietly – at night to meet the Other Women.
And once I’d seen his secret cell phone (which he said was ‘just conversation’ he started beating me. Oh…and he apparently forgot how to speak English about that time too cause he would just meow at me if I would dare try to talk to him.
Disordered asshole.
I am ashamed to admit I spent 36 years with him…and I loved him…
I truly thought he had had a mini stroke or something…and actually tried to help him.
Today I have been divorced for 1 week 🙂 That took an exhausting and costly almost 2 years to get done. YA FOR ME!
I have been NC since January 15, 2015 🙂 NC is the road to healing. Healing is the door to a great new life full of happiness and positive experiences.
And Chump Lady and all you Chumps helped me see the light and be very strong in court! THANK YOU! ALL OF YOU 🙂
…he approached me in the court hallway the day of the divorce trial before they called us in…asshole wanted to talk to me! I just got up and walked away…but…I ALMOST said, “Meow” 🙂 I didn’t cause I realized that would pump him up.
Jeep, this is too funny! Meow. Lol. Ministroke. Sure. Who could make this up? You made my day. And Congrats on the divorce!
Jeep – you also just made my day! Kudos on the one week of D. I am going on 5 mos now, and that first few weeks was pretty tough to process. Wishing you luck if you need it.
Thank you SheChump and Friend 🙂 I am glad you got a chuckle from that ;D If you are like me they are priceless these days!
It took everything I had to endure communicating with that disordered asshole cause it hurts. But in the end I had almost 200 screens shots of the self centered, self preserving, turn on a dime thinking that is his mind…he has no soul…and gave me the proof of the monster that he really is when there is no one else around to witness the total transformation from human to the nightmare that is him.
Finding this site and reading your posts and Tracy’s clear cut, right to the point definition of that which is true gave me the strength and the courage to hand them to my lawyer.
The week before the divorce trial I had to endure a contempt hearing – trumped up charges that were a waste of time and money – my lawyer used just one of his texts and counter charged him…it was a surprise he didn’t know was coming 😀 Shocked at the printed out evidence his lawyer asked me if I knew who had his phone the night the text was sent…I said no of course not and smiled cause I knew my lawyer could produce the ‘selfies’ he couldn’t resisting sending along with the texts 😀 It was priceless to watch as that realization dawned on that disordered asshole.
…all charges were dropped of course, rather quickly.
We are both in our late 50’s now, together 36 years, married 30 of them…looking back now I can see how I let myself be last to his first…my choice – coerced by him or not – I take the blame for not caring enough about me. His disordered pathology has taught me valuable lessons that will make my new life for ME…and not some sparkly asshole looking for a ‘mommy’ to do the heavy lifting while he enjoys his cake.
I got my name back in the divorce 😀 My new life is going to be completely free of the beat down and shattered shell his treatment rendered me. I’m standing!
He is a nightmare I finally woke up from 😀 I never have to see him, talk to him or hear about him for the rest of my glorious days!
Chump 1 – Disordered Nightmare – 0
😀
Hooray! You are so strong. You win a place in my heart for bravery. You are incredible! (Keep posting and maybe some of it will wear off on me)
MountainLily you are strong! You deserve better than whatever nightmare you have been handed!
My life long friend is a retired social worker and she has carried me these last 4 years through thick and thin! She encouraged me to seek help through Project Woman and I finally did. Now I wish I had listened to her 4 years ago! We are not the problem or the REASON! It took someone else pointing out that I was abused in EVERY WAY to get it through to me that I truly WAS abused and I did not deserve any of the abuse. Healthy adults do not seek validation for themselves outside of their commitments or punish their spouses for their own actions! I truly believed the crap he was spewing all over me! I am soooo lucky and grateful for my friend’s love, care and counsel! I had a leg up even before I knew how much she was giving me! I will be eternally in her debt!
I encourage you now with her words to me to seek counsel if you are still struggling with the nightmare. Project Woman is an invaluable resource you should check out. Caring, compassionate people who know what you are going through and can help you sort it out and get on with your freedom from the nightmare.
My friend, like Tracy, didn’t sugar coat the truth, didn’t let me wallow in self pity, but let me cry when I needed to and held me when I couldn’t stand. I hope all of us Chumps have someone like my friend in our corner!
Social workers worldwide should be more appreciated for the invaluable service they provide!
Captain Obvious here, but do you know how much it costs to buy a pony? Not a lot. Buy your own MF pony, no strings attached! Win-win!
Ohmygod, Tracy. It’s like you are tuned into my life. You always have just the right thing to say. I got a text from my ex YESTERDAY that said, “Are you sure you want to be divorced?” SERIOUSLY?!? Divorce was final 90 days ago. 90 days. I wrote back and said, “a relationship without trust isn’t an option.” His response to that was, “Okay…” That’s it. Because obviously the idea that he might change never crossed his mind. Yeah, being divorced kind of sucks. But not as much as living with a lying asshole sucked.
Hey Lisa, he responded with a WHOLE WORD. (Three months late, but whatevers.) Most of the youngsters these days just type “K.”
Don’t give him too much credit. Many phones have an “Okay” button now. LOL.
I actually had to tell my ex not to reply ‘k’ to me, that he wasn’t 17. He was 45 at the time, and he clearly learned it from Schmoopie, who was 51. Who are these people????
I got a similar email – stbx said, in reference to his filing for divorce, “doesn’t mean we can’t get back together someday…” I did not respond to that one.
I’m delighted to say that I immediately deleted everything from XH except one email which was phrased almost entirely in the passive tense: “That’s not what HAPPENED…” He also alluded to how he was working his way around to telling me about OW because he didn’t SURE want me to hear about it from someone else — Of course, he DIDN’T tell me about her, I figured it out on my own. Nevertheless, I’ll bet he still gives himself credit for “telling me.”
(… and to think just yesterday I was rationalizing his behavior by saying that I thought, overall, that he just “grew up” over the course of our marriage and couldn’t make the shift from “boy-child” to “man” in our relationship so had to move on… This isn’t really “man”-like behavior, is it?)
I kept it all–every lovely text, email, and took notes of things that were said. It’s all going in the novel, because revenge is a dish best tasted cold.
Tempest…..I have all of mine too including audio!! (I know, may not be legal, blah blah…..it’s for me if I wanna ever go back and hear what a dipshit, lying, con-artist he is!).
I’m wanting to do a book thing too! I’d like to post the recordings on youtube. Again, don’t know about the legality of it.
If I write that book, and cheaterpants is unhappy, let him sue me. Then the whole world will know about his affair/s (he’s still trying to keep me from advertising the reason for the divorce–“just say we grew apart, which is true” Yes, because there was a 3rd, and a 4th…person in between us).
Why would it be illegal?
If he doesn’t want others to hear him saying dumb shit, he shouldn’t have said it in the first place.
Can’t sue for slander if its fact, either. 🙂
I threw out or deleted almost all of it, but I kept a few choice letters and emails. They are buried at the bottom of a drawer, there to remind me if I ever forget how bad it really was.
I printed out the document I found detailing my ex’s feelings towards OW and filed them with my divorce documents. Just makes me feel better that the reason for the divorce is there with the settlement papers.
I got rid of it all. Didn’t want to see it again. Be reminded of it again, now divorced – it’s over. I already saw enough which was a little amt but enough for me. Along with the photo albums of 36 yrs – I made him think I threw them all away. Our marriage was a sham – after he told me he never loved me. So – told him I burned them. I saved them because I have 36 yrs of wonderful family members from both our sides. He will never see one of them again. Is that revenge? Or justice? He never took one pic when he left.
Biblio, he wants credit for having THOUGHT about telling you. Doesn’t that cancel all his bad behaviour and make him a good person? Just like OP’s idiot ex THOUGHT about getting her a horse, so he must be so caring and generous ….. Never mind all those cheaters who swear that while cheating, they THOUGHT about us. Unbloodybelieveable.
When X was angry that his version of winning me back wasn’t working – not doing a single thing I asked to prove he was serious, like get a job, get an apartment that was NOT with AP, get a counselor, do something about the huge amount of debt he and AP racked up together – he said “You won’t ever forgive me for this, you’ll hold this over my head forever and I can’t live like that.” And, “I’m tired of living my life with regrets. I’m going to live my life from now on with no regrets!” #1 – He never truly acted liked he regretted a single thing in his life, so it’s not like THAT is a new revelation, and #2 – What kind of person doesn’t regret their mistakes??? I know I sure have some big regrets!
like your marriage? Me, too.
Or like not putting that bullet in his temple or that knife through his heart. 🙂
Yea….I know.
One of the all time “best” text messages I received:
I hate that things turned out this way. I never meant for any of this to happen. You are my soul mate and the love of my life. No matter what my “situation” is, my feelings for you will never change. How can you be so cold to me? What we have is a love that will never die. No one will ever love you the way that I do, and I know that if I ever came back into your life you would drop a ‘nice guy’ for me. I’m responsible for my miserable life and for your heartache, but I never intended for this to happen. I hate my life without you. I will always love you.
I CAN’T MAKE THIS S*** UP!
In my situation my ex seemed completely detached after Dday. He acted like I was a stranger he barely knew after 36 years. He talked to me like he was a robot. It was so strange, I just couldn’t take it. Had to get away from him. Not sure which is worse…the love bombing Foggy got or the complete detachment I got.
My experience has been more like yours, Lyn. She went out one night, got bombed, messed around with some young guy, something tweaked in her brain and that was that. Never been the same at all since that night.
Initially, when the Pick Me dance was playing, I got some “Where is the boy who used to be a wild and crazy guy?” (Uh, running a demanding business for 35 years, and being a 110% dad and husband to the best of my ability), “You seem to want to place a lot of the blame for this on me” (Well, yes.) “This didn’t happen in a vacuum, there are reasons.” (“Yes, you wanted ‘more freedom outside of the marriage’)
But when that dance ended, she has been pretty much totally remote. Not mean, not rude, really, just…detached and remote.
Reply to my own comment; something just hit me. I read a book called “The Way of the Wiseguy” by an undercover agent who infiltrated the Mafia. He said – and I think this is the case with many of the cheaters – “These guys live in a bizarre parallel universe to that of the normal guy on the street.” Sure, they eat at restaurants, drive cars, do a lot of the same stuff everyone does. But they are wired COMPLETELY different. They can beat someone senseless over an unwitting remark or murder someone they don’t even know, and then go home and eat dinner with their wife and kids.
Don’t want to overdramatize, but the “bizarre parallel universe”? I think there is something there.
Chumpguy—you are correct. They DO live in a parallel universe. One where remorse, compassion, self control nor any other positive normal human characteristic does not exist.
Compassion is incomprehensible to them. My cheater STBX still tells our young children that he didn’t want to divorce Mommy and wants to reconcile–while he wages war on Mommy with the fervor of the Knights involved in the Crusades for the Holy Land.
he tells the kids that so the kids will not think he is a “bad guy” and will think it is all your fault and will hate you for it instead of hating dear old dad.
talk to your kids, tell them the truth. and let them know what their dad is warring with you about.
Hesatthecurb and Chumpguy…..so right about the parallel universe concept. My husband of 30 years thought it was super duper A-OK to place ads in Craigslist for sexting buddies the week I was scheduled for a biopsy to rule out cancer (I’m fine.). Because self-pleasure trumps selflessness. Because I’m obviously up to the task of managing my challenges-I married HIM, right? I am embarrassed to say that I am not ready to leave my marriage, it is almost spiteful on my part. At this point just knowing who he really is has been enough-the man who is still more concerned about being exposed to more of his friends and family as a real shittard vs someone who wants to do the heavy lifting and see why he fell down the rabbit hole, and how to climb out. Has nothing to do with me, and I know that, and for some reason that’s been a great comfort.
Lyn and ChumpGuy……..me too. He completely detached once I found out the 2nd DDay. Even though slowly, like a snowball gaining momentum into becoming an avalanche, was what was really happening before the first DDay. I just thought (and with his help) that it was depression over the death of his son. Which by the way, it should have been! But the sorry fuck instead was out hunting strippers!
I think the detachment thing is common. I’m pretty sure most cheaters have an attachment disorder from childhood and I think narcissism is based in attachment disorder, so detaching is very easy for them because they don’t attach very deeply anyway. My stbx detached very easily from me and his kids. I think it is creepy. The good news is that us chumps are not like this, that is why even when we trust that he sucks we still have a hard time detaching because we are healthy, kind, loving human beings that attach to others with all of our hearts.
Once the pick me phase is over/or its time to take some action and put their money where their mouth is then that is when they detach. If gaslighting and fogging are no longer working and cake is off the menu then they just back off, especially if AP is willing and able to become their main source.
Yep. There’s this weed that grows in my backyard and it quickly takes over the woodpile, but it’s so easy to get rid of because the roots are teeny tiny and so I can pul huge clumps of it very easily. Every time I think of how easy it was for XH to ditch me, I think of that weed: no roots, no attachment, and no pain at detachment. Not like me. My roots are deep and take an axe, chainsaw and backhoe to eradicate.
Me too. Completely detached. Assumed I’d be willing to meet him to do things like arranging to put utility bills in my name and have every day conversations when I was emotionally devastated and contemplating suicide. The only communications I’ve received are asking for favours such as filing joint taxes with him because he didn’t want to pay to go through the lawyers. I have blocked him from everything now. It was just too hurtful to be treated as a casual aquaintance rather than someone he’d been married to for twenty three years.
The best cure for that is to detach right back. It hurts at first but is actually much easier than all the drama, highs and lows, mindfuckery and disappointment of believing that there is still a connection there. NC as far as possible is the way to go.
Lina- I felt the same way. Just had to get away from him. After 20 years of being his best friend to instant acquaintance was the most hurtful thing of all. I was suicidal too but I knew I could never do that to my kids. It’s horrifying how cold they can be and think it’s normal. I don’t think co-parenting is in our future.
Chumpguy – YES!! Totally agree with that assessment. Not an over dramatization at all.
My cheater used to literally say these words to me all the time: “I’m just wired differently baby.” Gives me chills thinking about it now. Before I would just try to untangle endlessly…
I would be upset about something, crying and begging him to see my point of view. He’d see something on the TV, or his phone would ring and he’d answer, or he’d just start talking about A COMPLETELY different subject. It was frightening how detached he really was. He’d go on vacation with me and our child and Facetime her while I was in the bathroom. Amazing – truly amazing (in a bad way).
Mary – “It hurts at first but is actually much easier than all the drama, highs and lows, mindfuckery and disappointment of believing that there is still a connection there. NC as far as possible is the way to go.”
Thanks for this tonight. I glean so much from this website, maybe sometimes ppl write something that they don’t realize somebody else just resonated with; moved a rock from underneath her, just reading this. I tried (and still trying not to) contact this guy. X. PAST. DONE. So, why do I still send him nasty grams? We’re still tied at the hip on the house I guess…so that’s my excuse. I think he’s afraid of me now and is paying all the bills I’m asking. I’ve really loved the control finally. This post sounds a bit off-center. Thanks for understanding my good mood tonight.
I do believe in narcissists, I do,I do! It was so hard to believe that anyone could be as disturbed as the man I spent my life loving and forgiving. Discarded like garbage for someone who broke into her last boyfriends WINDOW and punched him in the neck and was arrested for assault and drug possesion. After moving in with her he broke my WINDOW while I was away to steal items I had offered to give him. Maybe there is a connection between disordered narcs and windows.
interesting. the man i was married to broke one of the trucks windows one night in a drunken rage. didnt understand why i was upset, because he “was going to” fix it……..never did fix the window.
you might have some wierd, strange point there….
Oh c’mon FoggyChump, you’re his soulmate schmoopie. He’ll always love you. His is a pure love. Lol. I’d be expecting some sexts coming from that SOB in the near future when he gets lonely.
BARF!
Yes…the cool detachment. My XH went from my bed to the OW’s within 24 hours and I’m not kidding at all. This is a guy who acted like he was crazy in love with me. Sat at my kitchen table and told me how I should wear my hair up because I looked so much sexier that way and could attract a boyfriend better. Never saw the fucker cry ONE tear as he tore my world apart. As CL calls them, a hot pockets cheater. The hardest realization for me was that this man who I loved with all my heart never really loved me or bonded with me. It was a fake life and a fake marriage with a fake man. It was the easiest thing in the world for him to walk out the door on me. He never looked back once. On to his next Schmoopie.
Syringa,
Mine never shed a tear or showed compassion or empathy. The minute I was not giving him cake or kibbles, and sticking to my guns trough out the 1 year divorce he got cold and arogant!!! His smoppie just started divorce proceedings I am sure they will live happily ever after!!! Not!!!
Syringa,
THREE HOURS: he fucked me at 7am on D-Day then (thank god!) showered and was fucking her by 10 am. I saw the phone records right around then and called him. Guess who was all out of breath and panting hard?
Just…. vomitrocious
“The hardest realization for me was that this man who I loved with all my heart never really loved me or bonded with me. It was a fake life and a fake marriage with a fake man. It was the easiest thing in the world for him to walk out the door on me. He never looked back once. On to his next Schmoopie.”
Syringa, I think you’re onto something here. I’m starting to believe that these people get married in order to get all the benefits of marriage without actually having a marital RELATIONSHIP.
Kinda like applying for a job just to get the 401K, 3 weeks paid vacation, steady paycheck, medical, dental, vision and life insurances, etc…without having to do any WORK.
The disordered entitled simply want the ‘entitlements’ without having to lift a finger. Hence, it’s pretty easy for them to fake an entire relationship.
“never saw the fucker cry ONE tear as he tore my world apart. As CL calls them, a hot pockets cheater. The hardest realization for me was that this man who I loved with all my heart never really loved me or bonded with me. It was a fake life and a fake marriage with a fake man. It was the easiest thing in the world for him to walk out the door on me. He never looked back once. On to his next Schmoopie.”
yep me too. the man i married replaced me before our marriage was over (i guess i was so easy to replace), turned him back and walked away. never cried, never missed me, still doesnt miss me, doesnt think of me, is not worried how much he hurt me, or if i killed myself, or if i am feeding or beating the kids. we are absolutely nothing to him after 14 years.
it totally mind fucked me more then anything else did. i never in my life (or at least throughout my marriage) thought he was capable of doing something like this. *shrug* oh well. his loss….well i guess not because he already replaced his loving wife and kids with a messed up, crack whore hood rat who LETS him drink all he wants.
Hummm…my social worker friend just told me she was boning up on traits of an alcoholic and that she found many of them to be eerily similar to that of the narcs…
…x mr is also a heavy drinker…his whole family is…
Alcoholics behaviors are so self centered you can’t tell the difference, my ex was a “recovered” alcoholic when we met, that lasted a few years. Then it was a constant battle with his addiction, wish I’d bowed out of it a long time ago, wish someone had explained “enabler” to me many years ago.
xmr would have drank with or without me… But yes, I’m thinkin we could have spent our time doing lots of other better things 😀 Like ummm…watching paint dry LOL!!!1
I actually did not understand alcoholic behaviors. so a lot of times i would react like a normal human being and poor little sausage would get so hurt. BLAH. of course he never tried to understand MY POINT OF VIEW…..it was always about him, his point of view, whatever…..
i looked up alcoholics and i just couldnt do what they suggested. it was painful for him to put himself first, his drinking over the family and continue to make poor choices and not be held accountable because he is an alcoholic. we had a discussion, well not discussion because poor widdle man was scared to talk about his thoughts and feelings, so i talked, he listened. i told him he was an alcoholic and he would distroy the family. i also asked him if that is what he wanted for his kids, to grow up and be like him because that is the example he is giving them…..
less then a month later, he found some hood rat that wouldnt pester him about drinking and being a better person. of course then he didnt have the balls to even tell me he found someone, he just waited 4 months for me to find out on my own….
Transference…they are good at it.
My neighbor’s son just came over – he needed help with his accounting software, and I said I would help him – and LOW AND BEHOLD! His 8 year relationship ended last October…I had no idea…Bless him. He talked for over 3 hours about – YEP! He said he couldn’t figure out what happened to her…how she just was someone he had never met one day and left him for another man!!!!! WHAT! (…is it in the WATER!!!) He said he began researching her bizarre behaviors and found a site about NARCISSISM!!! Oh my goodness!!! The poor guy.
I wrote down this site for him. Told him no need to bother with the rest…this is the best. Care, concern, no bullshit, great advice and LOTS OF BELLY LAUGHS!!! 😀
I hope he looks us up 😀
I got one of those I will love you forever Baby, you are my soul mate, we were the perfect storm texts too FoggyChump 🙂 He included a picture of himself he shot looking down at the phone…my daughter in law said, “Wonder why he’d want you to look up his nose?” LOL!!!!
Yes he was asking if I was sure that I didn’t want him to come home! Cause he just loves me sooooo much!
Disordered isn’t a strong enough word for how messed up this people are!
One morning after I had seen the secret cell phone and found out who one of the OW’s were he was sitting at the table and having a conversation with HIMSELF about having an affair and how yes, he’d had an affair but so what? Everybody does it.
…yeah…neither you nor I can MAKE THIS STUFF UP!
We are all better off learning that these monsters exist and putting them out of our lives for good.
OMG wtf!! His favorite person to talk to I’m sure – himself! What a whack job!!!
Yes he is a whack job!!!! I am so grateful, despite the pain and agony and the cost of divorce (!) that I am free of him and that miserable life after finding out what a nightmare he is and on my way to healing!
Foggy- Did u say … ‘ Wait, let me turn on the part of my brain that cares!’
Haha, I definitely thought something like that to myself. Luckily I had been reading CL enough to know NC NC NC! Thankfully I finally see him for exactly what he is – a psycho piece of shit. It still hurts sometimes, but there is NO going back. Ever.
As my friend the social worker always says…doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity!!! LOL!!!! Yep!!!! Thirty six years doesn’t make a difference I’m thinkin nothing will!!!!
Absolutely no going back!!!!
My ex-wife’s words was a symphony of nonsensical utterances that left me shaking my head.
She’d say things like:
“We are two, but one, and together we are more than the sum of one.”
“Finding myself, I find myself back to you.”
“I didn’t cheat on you, I cheated myself, and you cannot see I hurt myself more than I could hurt you.”
————————————————————————————————————————————
When the above didn’t work in her favour she resorted to saying:
“It’s a no fault state….and it’s not my fault I get half of everything and deserve alimony to maintain my quality of life.”
“The law does not care how many other men I slept with, it’s not illegal to get my needs met”
I love our kids, a happy mom is a good mom”
————————————————-
Well….she fought for custody, and within a couple of years has left our state and rarely sees them. She goes on many trips and posts the fabulousness of her life while our son is in rehab and struggling with her abandonment.
“I didn’t cheat on you, I cheated myself, and you cannot see I hurt myself more than I could hurt you.”
I know it’s wrong, but that made me laugh. That’s like saying, “Oh, sure, I punched you, but I hurt my hand while I was punching you. Can’t you see how much I hurt my hand while I was punching you? I’m the one in pain here! Let’s focus on my hand!”
I know, seriously. Total narc!!! I got, “I am healing too” in a text. I replied, “healing from what? YOU did this!”
Yeah, a familymember recently said, Cheater needs support too. Umm… why?….he did this. He caused it. But OH!…. how they want everyone to believe the narrative that YOU caused it.
Not me. After he’d moved out but I still cared about him, I talked to him the one day we did a walk through in the house to divvy stuff up. At the end, in an effort to be sympathetic and concerned, knowing I hadn’t been eating or sleeping, I asked him, “So how are you? Are you eating? Sleeping?” And he said (one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever heard, “I’m GREAT, actually!”
He wasn’t trying to be mean or catty. He was just. that. oblivious. Ouch x 1000.
that just reminded me how hateful the man i married was before i found out he was sleeping with his married slut. at one point i was soo super worried about him so i asked him how he was doing and he told me he was good, just not getting a whole lot of sleep. when i asked him why he wasnt getting any sleep, he lied and said it was because of his cousins kids who stayed up all night fighting….whatever, he was doing the horizontal polka with his married slut….even when he told me i knew it was a lie, but what could i do. i was in serious denial still. these fuckers are truely amazing….
Yes they are and we are so lucky to be rid of them. Like Tracy says, Leave a Cheater Gain a Life!
Brain fog be gone! 😀
jacey, that’s a great metaphor. That’s the kind of craziness I got on Dday too.
My cheater in MC: “I’M going through this too!” Yes, poor baby, giving up your skank and accepting responsibility is pretty painful…
My ex had the gall to say in an e-mail a couple of years after I kicked him out; ‘I lost way more than you did’.
Uh, actually, you threw it all away! Multiple times! The fact you want it back now doesn’t make it a ‘loss’.
I’d have been tempted to tell him that yes, he did lose more than you did. He lost a worthy, loyal and loving spouse as well as his dignity, respect, honor and morals. You on the other hand lost an immoral, unloving, disloyal spouse and you still have all of your values.
Yes that is true. And he will probably never find another that will love him as you did. His GREAT loss!
To PF…BITCH! I am so sorry… I am struggling to find a way to broach the subject, let alone explain, their narc dad to my kids and how it impacted all of us. My older daughter especially… He has master the most amazing trick… poor sausage melds into the Great I Am… But I am wondering if some of what is said here wouldn’t help your son. Help him to understand that he grew up with a malevolent force, you didn’t see it anad he has a sweet little boy could never have seen it. Breaks my heart to hear that your son is suffering so.
This is one of my favorites so far “I love our kids, a happy mom is a good mom.” Translation: cheating makes me a better mother.
I’m sure that’s common! I got a lot of “I’m a better person when I’m happy” and “everyone wants me to be happy.” The kicker though: “I wasn’t unhappy with you. I just wasn’t deliriously happy.” It’s just too bad that his delirium had to come at the expense of my own happiness!
C’mon! Cheating made my cheater a better father. That’s what he said. Verbatim.
Yeah, my POS disordered Narc ex said this too. His affair made him “so HAPPY.” “The kids are nearly grown, they don’t need ME, and I DESERVE to be happy!” Like, nobody else deserves to be so…and That’s what alimony’s for, for sending all our children to college because you no longer want to be a daddy. “Of course you were MY FIRST LOVE…” That explains why we were together for twenty eight years, he just forgot to inform me that I wasn’t the last, barf, barf, triple barf. And, “One day you will LOOK back and remember ALL the good TIMES we had together! And you will be okay!” Hhhhmmmmm, uh, NO. Not with any of what you did. Still wading through all your lies, and dealing with your creative disippation of assets. Kind of messes with all those not-so-great memories. Still thinking about that HIV test and all those other times my gut spoke…. Fake fucktard husband and father indeed! Now our kids do not listen to music we loved because “dad is so fucked up, why would he take us all to see ____ in concert, cheat, and then take his crap affair partner to the exact same concert?!?” Artist had really great love songs. Uh, yeah, They too are starting to “get it.”
PF–I am so sorry about your son in rehab. These cheater a-holes refuse to see how they betray their children, too. As adults, we can reconstruct our path, children not as easily.
PF……she’s a not good sick bitch! I’m sorry about your son as well. I wish the karma bus would arrive for many of us still waiting!
I’m so bloody tired. I want my son to recover. He’s doing well, drug free and alcohol free these past six months. He’s in a rehab that is a year long refuge fir him. He’s only sixteen.
His Mom, shows up every couple of months, wears stupid t-shirts with “let’s go boys” and makes a scene with a crocodile tears. I’m paying for our son’s rehab, and I’m there every weekend and take him out, spending time with him.
The new step dad, left a loaded handgun on the kitchen counter while my daughter was visiting her mom in Dallas. Pancakes and a pistol, but that’s Texas for you.
My daughter refuses to ever go visit Texas again. She’s done with her mother.
Hey, come on people, he THOUGHT about buying her a horse! It’s the thought that counts, right? That makes up for systematic abuse and cheating, right?
I think the problem with these Splendid People is that they become so accustomed to being fed their catered kibble meals in exchange for little to NO effort that they expect that little to NO effort to count for a great deal and to get a huge return on that “investment.” A close friend’s husband, Lazy, is like this. I don’t believe Lazy is a cheater, but after spending time here, I believe he is a Narc to his soul. My friend works full-time, as does Lazy, but my friend also takes care of the household, pays the bills, mows the lawn, and does 99.9999999 percent of the childcare. But ONE TIME two years ago, he let wife sleep in by about an hour and got up to make their son some cereal and played on the computer while son watched cartoons. If wife asks Lazy to help around more or tells him that she’s getting tired of doing the majority of the work in the marriage, he says, “What do you MEAN? Remember that time I let you sleep in and made our son breakfast? That was great! How could you forget that?”
Lazy is just so assured in his Splendidness, that he is sure that my friend will never leave him. He refuses counseling because they don’t have any problems. Friend is getting her legal ducks in a row.
I look back and see mine never.thought.I’d.leave.him.Ever. After D-day, each time I was civil to him, he took this as a sign of reconciliation (even after I’d thrown him out of the house). Because who could leave Mr. Fabulous?
“We just ended up in a really bad place.” No, you did some really bad things.
TheMuse, I hope your cheater eventually does end up in a really bad place. In Canada, we call it aitch-ee-double-hockey-sticks.
thanks KE!! LOL
Mine said ‘I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us’. Really, really? You think THAT’s what happened? Things didn’t work out???????
On my Dday, after I woke him up to confront him after finding the evidence he sobbed “Ok! So I’m a bad person!” There was so much angst in his cry that I immediately felt sorry for him and tried to convince him he wasn’t a bad person. That’s before I found CL. Now I would just agree with him.
And, of course, he would have been shocked and outraged that you agreed with him.
How dare you not recognize the generosity of his admission! How dare you fail to recognize your role in creating circumstances that led to him becoming a bad person! [sputter! huff! shriek!] How dare you judge him!
If mind-fuckery were booze, that shit would be white lightning.
Lol. Mine ended a string of texts by saying, “okay, your narcissistic piece of shit is signing off,” thinking it would elicit pity from me.
I didn’t contradict him.
He should get some stationary made. Narcissistic Piece of Shit on the letterhead. Return address. Signature line. Call vista print.
on Marbled paper?
And here I wasn’t considering getting the Flaming Turd from Satan’s Ass a valentine. Now you’re making me rethink that CL because I’m thinking stationary that says Narcissistic Piece of Shit or Stinking Flaming Turd From Satan’s Ass would be quite the appropriate valentine gift and a beautiful way to express how I feel about him.
Is it too late to order that? Excellent gift idea.
When I confronted Jackass, he said, “I’m an asshole”; “She wrote to me”; and “She’s just —‘s sister.” Later it was “I’m better than all the other man you’ve known in your life.” I’m thinking he was right the first time.
This is classic. “If you’d only played your cards right, I might have bought you a horse.” For a disordered person who thinks words equal actions, that surely must have deserved a reply. For those of us who know better, no reply is necessary.
My divorce from the cheating ex was before phones could text, so the Hoovering came in an actual letter. It went on and on, telling me I was the “only one” for him, describing his new pets (two dogs! and two cats!), and explaining that if I hadn’t been crazy we’d have been together forever, as we were meant to be.
I did not reply. You see, I can count, and I know that being the “only one” means there shouldn’t be so many others. I was also kind of pissed off that he did not allow me to have a dog, but apparently saw nothing wrong with dogs except that I wanted one. And if he thought that uncovering over a decade of infidelity and lies and reacting to that made me “crazy” so be it.
I was curious though. Why this heartfelt missive two and a half years after our divorce was final? After years of no contact? A quick check of the court civil index gave me the answer. The cheater was back in divorce court with his OWife, leaving him tragically kibble-deprived, and he knew I used to have kibbles and cake for him. Poor sausage.
Some of the gems I encountered:
We are all actually pretty nice people (me, him, OW)
We have hurt each other too much to be together – translates as “you lost the pick-me dance”)
The trouble is you – I never fell out of love
If I won a cruise in a prize I would ask you to come on it with me
If we get back together we will take a trip over the Alps on my new mid-life motorcycle
It won’t last with her anyway so why go divorcing me for adultery
I just want to see her for a while but not forever and its almost over
I need to take this holiday with her as she booked it for a surprise and is suffering with depression
I will end things with her shortly after the holiday
We will end up together
You know about the happiness I hope we will have in the future
I want us to be friends in the way that if I had spare blankets and you needed them I would give them to you
I will still do your DIY and OW will be ok about it as she will know where I am
I am moving out because I have never had a room of my own
I worry that this will end in tears for her
It will go sour with her now because of the way you are reacting
I love you both
My top prize for the shittiest line spoken goes to OW when she stormed my house after tracking him down and seeing his car outside.
“What the fuck is going on here? You a a fucking, lying cheat. Are you two back together? Do you know that we have been together for six and a half years? She then proceeded to claw his face. Classy act!
Just remembered:
We should have been together but we should’nt have been together
Its your fault that I am putting on weight as I am so unhappy that I comfort eat
When your parents die I would still like to attend their funerals if I am invited
If there is a special category for pick-me dancers I would like to submit the following:
“I spend time with her/you and feel sure that my mind is made up about which woman I want…then I see the other one again and I don’t know anymore”.
mary those are some choice nuggest from your asshole. I had a similar one to the last one, “I wish I could split myself in two so one of me could be with you, and the other one with her!!” that went right along with, in response to my saying ‘were you even going to TELL me about her?” – response: “No. Because I ran the Sharing Idea by her, and she wouldn’t go for that.” Never ran it by ME.
nuggets. not what i typed.
How’s about I help you with that splitting in half thing? Now, then, where’s my axe?
“I spend time with her/you and feel sure that my mind is made up about which woman I want…then I see the other one again and I don’t know anymore”. … LOL but when I see you I put every single word through the UBST and guess where you rank on the cheat-0-meter… Delightful Dicky-head!
My personal favorite, just for sheer idiocy, “I want us to be friends in the way that if I had spare blankets and you needed them I would give them to you.”
Course, any blankets he gave you would be infected with smallpox or something equally virulent.
Mine said, “I wish I could bring a big black plastic garbage over there and take away all your pain.” Spare blankets and garbage bags… wow
I can think of something to take away in that big black plastic garbage bag… something that belongs in it.
Crabs. No, thanks, keep the blankets.
“I want us to be friends in the way that if I had spare blankets and you needed them I would give them to you”
That actually made me laugh out loud.
When I first read that, I read it as, “I want us to be friends in the way that I had a spare blanket.” Was that the UBST in my brain?”
We are not someone’s spare blanket!
I don’t think you wanna shine a black light on that dude’s spare blanket. Biohazard Level 4.
Kira, I never thought of that…it was probably a Freudian slip!
Hey Glad, yours shared a half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat with you!
GladItsOver had a Cereal Cheater.
LOL! Nice!
Laugh out loud, good one. “Cereal Cheater”. I’m eating my 0’s right now and spit them out. HA HA HA
Only because it gave him terrible gas. That’s what he actually wrote to me when he sent the cereal home with our son.
This line says a lot: “It will go sour with her now because of the way you are reacting.” Applying the UBT, this means that it will go sour because the hypotunuse has gone; the triangle is over. Now it’s just the two of them–no one to betray and deceive, no big fat kibbles from lying and sneaking around and keeping secrets.
‘I just want to see her for a while but not forever and its almost over’
This made me laugh because my cheater said it was almost over too when I confronted him. Of course that was when I knew about just the one not the many going back for years and the ones he was trolling as replacements. Well, actually, I knew about the ones he was trolling for his next kibble fest but forced him to confess to them anyway.
What do they expect you to say to that? Oh, it’s ok since it’s almost over?? Idiots.
YES, mine said that too. “It’s winding down. I just want things to play out so I don’t hurt her.” Disgusting.
I am laughing myself now that I actually bought into some of that shit when I was so busy doing the pick me dance and analysing his every fart for signs that he still cared.
Its amazing how many of these lines come up again and again when we imagined that our particular circumstances made our case unique in some way…what a great way of killing the unicorn/pony/horse or whatever the crap they are promising us!
Maybe Tracy should do a masterclass on the moves and lines of the pick-me routine…a real Dancing With The Cheaters guide for all the poor chumps still on the dance floor or, even worse, tempted to take their partners for yet another round after sitting out for a while and feeling like a wallflower.
analyzing every fart for signs he still cared’
LMAO! Exactly what I did too but it all came down to actions verses words. They never matched up at all.
Dancing with the Cheaters – I think Tracy could help fund the blog with that one!!
“analysing his every fart for signs that he still cared.”
Oh ha hahahaha Mary, that is SO exactly it. I just read somewhere that putting words to your feelings can help heal them faster, so thank you because you so nailed that.
“Analyzing farts” ha ha ha, love it, Mary…CN is on a roll today!
Mine said “I feel great when I’m with her, but guilty when I come home to you.” Hmm…maybe the guilt comes from doing something WRONG???
THIS from a man who lived in my home, drove my vehicles, ALL expenses were paid by me with him contributing NOTHING monetarily to the relationship for the entire duration—–
“You are a parasite”.
You should have been paying him an allowance for breathing in your presence. How dare you not understand that. He sounds pretty darn special. 🙂
Oh yes mine is so special he didn’t work last year at all”I worked the business for 20 years” his excuse. Then couldn’t understand the bank telling him he couldn’t take over the mortgage -HELLO! You have no income! !!
Projection, projection, projection. Mine does this to me all the damn time. I’m not even really sure why he keeps contacting me being that we were never married, have no kids etc. It seems he just likes to contact me to accuse me of something HE’s doing! I threatened legal action so let’s hope that brings things to a halt.
Mine had a couple of favorite lines that must have worked in the past for him. “Didn’t I tell you I loved you?” Yep you did and then treated me like shit.
“I’m sorry you misinterpreted my intentions” Oh! what were your intentions when you had a hidden POF profile and were meeting women in every town while you were working so hard trucking?
“You’re family always hated me and nothing I did ever changed that. You must have told them horrible stuff about me and never told them all the good things I did.”
My family isn’t blind and knows abuse when they see it and thinks I deserve better.
“You make me sound like an asshole.” If telling the truth makes you sound like an asshole maybe you should stop acting like an asshole.
“I don’t know what happened, I never used to be this way, maybe it’s the water, or the people we hang around with.”
That’s it!! I knew we should have gotten a water filter!
Yep, it must be the water. 🙂
Carrie, your posts really resonate with me.
How about: “I did some things I shouldn’t have but you had something to do with why this happened. You need to let stuff go.” This was asshat cheater’s non-admission with a side of – “this is your fault, look at you” (referring to my weight).
Yeah. A couple of extra pounds and the dude had no choice but to cheat. I was told that I was at fault because I wasn’t “young enough, thin enough or pretty enough” for my cheating scumbag anymore. When I asked if I was supposed to stay 21 years old forever, he just smiled.
What age is your cheater? We could all help him stay that age forever….just sayin (think Agatha Christie’s Ten Little Indians).
HAA!! At the time the cheater was 44. I was 36. Just a worn out old bag to be discarded and replaced by a much younger student attracted to his midlife Porsche. By some twist of fate, that cheater will never grow truly old. He died just after his 57th birthday, riddled with advanced melanoma and so addicted to pain meds and just plain mean that no one would have anything to do with him anymore. This after spending over fifty years sunning his stunning self daily.
Karma. I’m guessing that 20-something wasn’t there to hold his hand once his health and allure wore off?
“Worn out” at 36–I don’t think so! These entitled dicks just seek opportunity and validation (and typically trade down).
The little one was gone according to the divorce records two years after our divorce was final, and years before the cancer. I’m betting she wouldn’t handle everything like I did for him and actually wanted some appreciation. I’m also betting he figured changing me out for a newer model would be seamless. When there was a glitch, he probably thought that the old model would plug in again and work. Nope.
The cheater died in the home I found, bought and built out, the day before Valentines Day. The day after he was sent home from the sixth facility he’d lived in over six years because nothing more could be done for him. I think he ate all his pills but no one can confirm that but the coroner and I’m not family anymore. I think he probably had a care worker there as that was the only way he could go home those last six years.
“How could I destroy a wonderful three year relationship?” That line made me laugh out loud since he was living out of State with OW in our vacation home. Cheater say the darnest things when their kibbles are taken away.
Here is my cheater’s response to recent visit 10 months after filing for divorce:
“What I don’t want to do is stop talking darling. That just entrenches our positions and reinforces separation.
I know from your perspective you think I didn’t love you, shagged around and wanted to leave.
My perspective is that you said you wanted to leave, locked me out of the house, wouldn’t talk to me and filed for divorce accusing me of things I didn’t agree with. We’ve both been terribly hurt by this.
I’m trying to find a way to close the gap between us somehow. It took me quite some time but since then I’ve been trying to tell you that this wasn’t what I wanted at all and I always loved you. I know that I did withdraw and become obsessed with running and yoga and various other things. Not because I was shagging around and didn’t love you but because I was struggling with work. I’ve explained some of the things you thought but don’t know how I can convince you I wasn’t having affairs other than demonstrating how much you mean to me together. I do think that I can be different in the future. I’m sure that part of the problem was my natural inclination to avoid talking about my feelings or emotional things. Not because I’m secretive or deceptive. I also need to understand that when you talk about your feelings I’m not being attacked and don’t need to defend and stonewall. I’m sure if we can keep these things in mind and spend time investing in us, like you always wanted, we could make it work in future.
I’m sure that this is all very simplified and easy to misinterpret but it is only a text. When we talk face to face I think it’s more positive, albeit, frustratingly for you perhaps.
So if what you want is a gesture that I’m a decent and generous person and the 60/40 house split is important to you then fine. I’m more than happy if it somehow allows you to think better of me and understand my position isn’t about wanting a comfortable life or house or any of that stuff. I just love you darling and want to be with you. I’m trying to convince you somehow and don’t know how to get through because of how much you’re hurting. But I am trying – I know, in every sense of the word… xxxxx “
LTB_Chump– OMG! this is priceless!!!
Tracy MUST put this through the Bullshit Interpretor!!!!!!!
The words “I’m trying to convince you somehow” say it all. Words but no actions. Dubious assertions with nothing to back them up but his “convincing.” And his intent to manipulate you to believe what he’s selling.
***Bullshit Translator, not Interpreter
What a sorry POS.
That’s rich!
He doesn’t want to you two to stop talking, because then he can’t keep bullshitting you. NC = no manipulation.
Yep. My cheater told me I was so cold. I stopped responding to him with emotions in conversation or text. That’s when I figured it out. He didn’t want to know my emotions because he truly cared about me, he wanted to know them so he could figure out what angle to manipulate me with. Seriously sick.
OMG. My cheating EX could have written this. He does NOT think he is a bad guy. He did NOTHING WRONG! (all the hookups, craigslist sex, prostitutes) OH NO! It’s all MY FAULT for not wanting to put with it any more!
Look! He even shovels the whole block’s sidewalk where he lives now! He IS AMAZING Jeremy. (said in Tina Fey’s voice from Date Night)
Vomit.
The day I moved out of marital home, five months after Dday, I woke up to find a Hallmark card on the kitchen table addressed to me. Inside, he had written:
“I am really sorry it came to this. Please don’t concern yourself with people I may or may not spend time with. I truly think this is best for both of us. Let me know if you ever need anything and I will help you when I can.”
Believe me, that was the nicest message I got from him after Dday and up until he reeled me back in for bogus reconciliation. He did send me plenty of vicious, cruel texts and emails, however.
Jackass went mute, except for a vicious FB message last Valentine’s Day. Thinking I’m lucky that he in general wanted no contact.
Yeah, I don’t hear much from my ex these days. But he did send me a text last summer, totally out of the blue, saying: “I should have added LOL to the end of my marriage vows.” Not sure what inspired that.
He’ll help when he can? That’s nice. How about the $40K in back child support he owes you?
Glad–can’t you get his wages garnished?!?
He hasn’t had a real job in five years. He is actually homeless right now, moves from place to place. Every once in awhile, he works some minimum wage, part-time job, and the state agency manages to get me a few bucks, but that’s it.
Wow.
I’ve gotten a few doozies too-
Recently he told me “You act like your life is so bad”
Yeah, just because we have material things, he thinks he can go screw hookers and do whatever he wants.
After DDay when I left the house with our son-he calls me and cusses me out, screaming & yelling going crazy. I told him to keeps up the screaming & the threats cuz I had already called the police to come to the house.
He comes to our son’s school the next morning crying and says “I didn’t mean any of those horrible things I said to you/about you. I can’t believe I did that but people say things they don’t mean when they are angry.”
So, he was sorry for cussing me out & threatening me but not cheating on me with hookers?
He never really apologized for Dday-it’s like the event he can’t or won’t acknowledge. The closest thing I ever got for an apology was a TEXT MESSAGE after I told him to get out that said…….
“Dear S-I am sorry for anything that I have ever said or done that has hurt you. You are the only woman I would want to have a child with or marry. I love you…blah blah fuckity blah” I can’t even remember the rest because it was so pathetic.
Whatever ass-We had been married 15 years & our son was 4 yrs old at DDay. and you can’t even apologize to my face!?
Talk about denial-He can’t even acknowledge that he did anything wrong or anything specific because he’s so wonderful & sparkly. If he doesn’t acknowledge it-it didn’t happen. Plus, there are so many things he has done it would take to long to put in a text message.
I think his tombstone will read “Lie, lie, lie-Deny, deny, deny”
Ok-new one from today………………Now he is willing to sell some of his prize possessions (Mercedes, rolex, 68 Camaro, etc. to prove to me how much he loves me & wants to be with me & our son.
WTF is this crazy crap!? He can’t apologize or show an ounce of remorse for being a lying, cheating, scumbag, absent parent & husband but selling some of his stuff is supposed to make me forgive him for years of cheating & verbal/emotional abuse?! GAH-what a disordered wingnut!!
He must think I’m nuts because A) I know he would never part with any of his prize possessions and B) If by some miracle he did sell anything & I stayed-I would be stuck for the rest of my life with him punishing me for it.
Thanks but no thanks-I don’t need it (or him) that bad
I got same thing. He sold motorcycle to help cover kids medical bills. BOO HOO. He has four more! I’m going to ask for a bill of sale during ED. I guess he gave me my half to put on bills and he pockets his half.
Sounds like the texts I used to get. In the beginning I took them personally, like I was the bad person for not seeing how good he thought he was to me. He always added “everything I did was for you”. Made me feel bad, in the beginning.
Not. Anymore.
Sounds like blameshifting to me.
Ugh, I got that a lot too, M. “Everything I did was for YOU!!!!” And the truth is, looking back on it, he didn’t do a whole lot for me ever. And what he did reluctantly do, he made me pay for, with passive-aggressive attacks. Everything else? All about him. Too bad I didn’t say at the time, “So banging your married coworker, that was for me?”
I’m sure he only banged the married coworker because you wanted it. How selfless of him. I once heard “I gave you EVERYTHING!” My response, “Anything you ever gave me you made me pay for twice.” The sumbitch couldn’t find a snappy comeback for that, and it was true. Narcissists only grudgingly do anything for anyone else, and only if they can get back plenty more than they give.
Survivor…..”Narcissists only grudgingly do anything for anyone else, and only if they can get back plenty more than they give”.
You hit the nail on the head with that one! That was mine all the way! I’ll do for you but you must quadruple it in return!
IHaveHate, those people do a cost/benefit analysis on everything they do. Unless they come out ahead, and way ahead, it ain’t gonna happen.
I spent 16 years hearing that whatever it was would be my choice “next time.” When I finally insisted that it was my turn to choose a restaurant, I was sitting next to a sullen child who sent his food back and complained for an hour that I’d made a choice that wasn’t his. By then, I was just kicking back and enjoying my meal and planning my exit. How hard is it to let someone have a plate of food they enjoy? Too hard if it’s All About You, it seems.
My ex wasn’t even smart enough to run that cost/benefit analysis. I think his system was more to keep pushing the limits (how negative and unpleasant can I be? How little can I do or give her?), then when I was getting fed up, he’d back off for a little while, then back to ‘normal’, once I’d settled down a bit. When I had finally wised up and kicked him out, he started realizing how much he’d thrown away, wanted it back. Far too late, idiot!
Where do these cheaters end up anyway? Since he moved in with Miss Peckenese ninja dog shit he lost his home, has two junk cars, his clothes and his cheating self unmasked. His children don’t respect him or see him and he has no friends. He is cheating on her but having a hard time since she won’t let him out alone. He can only look when he pretends he has dr appointments or says he’s with my grandaughter. He can’t use me anymore because of NC. I on the other hand have a home, My children, friends, and self respect. They really lead sucky lives. Garbage in garbage out. We talk about what they did. Look at where they are! Deep in shit!!
Ex has no cell or computer. Got a postcard after he figured out I changed my cell number and blocked him from the home phone. 7 bullets about mostly him, him, him with the last one being, “I don’t hate you”. Must not have liked me very much, LOL
Mine said “you must hate me, but I don’t hate you.” LOL
Here’s a small snippet of a very lengthy email he sent me a couple days after Dday.
“I am not pointing at you to blame for my unhappiness. And you have no right to point a finger at me for the failure of our marriage. We both had 50% share in the problems of the marriage. We should never have gotten married in the first place. We were always too unequally yoked in religion.Being a “good” wife is subject to opinion. You are good, I am bad…. it isn’t that simple.
I know I gave you very good reason not to trust me, but how long did you expect me to wait to earn that trust again? Whatever you want from me, either I am unable or unwilling to give it.”
It went on and on like that, and then he started in on what he expected in the divorce…. basically that he would get everything and I would get nothing.
I never got the “oh, I really love you” type messages like many others here. I DID get many, many texts and emails saying that he never loved me, it was my fault we separated, it was my fault he had sex with men and he never felt any passion for me. The blame, the self pity, the rage and the gas lighting got worse and worse.
Considering that for 20 years he always said I was his best friend, he loved me, he was happy and he would never want to leave me, it was really astounding to see how much he actually hated me. I struggled for a long time to wrap my head around that, but thankfully gave up a couple years ago when I finally realized I would never understand, and it’s probably better that way.
Oh, Glad–your cheater threw every strategy into the same letter, from the sound of it.
That “50% share” line is homicide-inducing.
Amazing that what they finally decide to share is the blame for their atrocious behavior.
Exactly, Survivor!
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “it’s a two-way street,” I would be a wealthy woman. My favorite was when his silent treatment escalated into aggressive verbal abuse and I texted him, to add to the record under the advice of my attorney, that verbal abuse is never appropriate and that he owed me an apology. In reply he sent me a long email about how we both owe each other 10,000 apologies and how is it possible that two such kind, empathetic, and compassionate people as ourselves could be hurting each other in this way? Amazing how so many of them create false equivalencies between our ending of their kibble supply and their retaliatory abuse in response.
So sorry Kat. I swear it went from total approval to small bits of disapproval, to criticism, to larger pokes at very small faults, to the silent treatment, to blatant verbal abuse, to physical abuse, to worse. Over the course of years and years. Every escalation is another death to the relationship. I never heard how I should apologize, but I never got an apology either. For anything, ever. My ex had found his new soul mate. He’d lose his job over that, but did not know it yet as his employer had not yet been sued over his happily humping his student and having her former lover also professor fired. Nice guy, no. Nice girl, no.
Your last paragraph is me to a tee, Glad, he always said how much he loved and respected me, right up to D-day, so when I learned the truth…that he hated and despised me…I simply could not wrap my head around it. As they say, the mind wobbles. It also wobbles when facing something so astonishingly false and evil. I have tried to come to some sort of peace with the thought that I will NEVER understand or be at peace with what he did and will probably never lose my stunned bewilderment over it.
“Whatever you want from me, either I am unable or unwilling to give it.”
Truer words were probably never spoken, Glad.
I got ” I cannot give you what you want” and “it would’nt have happened” after six months of stringing me along towards a fake reconciliation. Anytime I questioned the obvious holes in his story that his affair was about to finish/not going well/winding down he would do a great job of blaming me for jeapordising our chances by focusing on “her” and not us.
It was my attitude that was in the way of him coming home…us taking a cruise…riding the Alps on his motorbike…getting a dog/pony/unicorn as a pet…having a great marriage.
If it sounds like shit, looks like shit and smells like shit then it probably is shit…all the while you are being told that it is really sugar.
ok, here we go…gems from my cheater
We both deserve better than what we have been giving…. (his giving was to others, not me)
We will never be perfect…(certainly lying, cheating, gaslighting, etc. doesn’t put him in the ‘perfect’ category)
I believe long term it isn’t healthy for you to be angry or for me to take it….(translation – you need to get over it so I don’t have to hear it anymore)
I really thought I could fix my problem by going elsewhere….(oh yes, cheating will fix problems!)
I don’t want you to think I am leaving because I don’t love you, or that I wasn’t happy with you.
WTF?
No, but I’ll suggest it. WTF? is right!
This is a great topic for folks still mired in the muck of correspondence with their crapweasels. For the sake of my sanity (and the space on my harddrive 😉 ) I’ve deleted much or all of this kind of junk. Phew!
I’m sure I have it stored on the back up external drive, but to be honest, I have 70+ inches of snow to deal with … and more forecast… I don’t have the energy to go back and excavate cheater drivel.
But, for the sake especially of newcomers, I’m awfully glad there are people in ChumpNation who have it at their fingertips. It’s so *special*.
And once again, it illustrates so perfectly how cheaters play from some Godforsaken playbook that they apparently all bought at a fire sale at Satan’s little bookstore.
I did the same thing…The day the order came through I deleted everything, but did save my journal. I have to deal with my EXW a lot since we have joint custody of our 6 and 8 year olds. So to this day, every time we text I delete the texts as soon as the conversation is over…I found seeing her name every time I want to text someone is a violation of my privacy and no contact.
cletus, the drivelly and mundane texts delete but anything that you might need for a custody issue keep but hide them somewhere.
The craziest text I ever got was the one after the other woman dumped my ex. It said “I am VERY single.” Umm, no. We were married at the time.
I think he expected me to stop the divorce and take him back. What an ass.
Oh, dear. Texting one’s wife to announce one’s availability to resume kibble delivery?
You cold heart B. Can’t you see that he needed a soft place to land while he searched for more kibbles?
Recently I got “I never hurt you except when you attacked me first.” Of course, he considered me asking him to get a job was an attack. Holding my hand up to block the spit coming from him screaming in my face was an attack. Refusing to send him pictures to prove where I was attacked his sense of security. So, yeah, all that was my fault. Oh course he had to defend himself by bonking the married teacher.
I think he doesn’t know what “attack” means. “Defending yourself” does not = attack. “Making a reasonable request to get off his ass and get a job” does not = attack. “Refusing to be monitored by GPS” does not = attack.
Bear in mind that cheaters love, love, love to know where YOU are, if only so you don’t bust their sorry ass by showing up before they finish bonking the married teacher or whatnot.
Literally 1-Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving sorry i have cell phone got wet come by on happy i found it cost to much sorry just seen you had a text sorry i missed dinner spent four days look for it tell _____ and ____i love them. i sorry for not being a great daddy best wish to everyone i very sorry
Literally 2-If you all would like to have dinner would make me have a great xmas sorry i havent call back cause a lot pain walking start to feel better
3.i do understand if you all dont
4. i want to see my family
5. o hope i get to see you all
6. sorry if i call n text you to much
7.please let me visit for xmas please i promise to be Happy an nice will meet where u all like
8.Merryxmas can me an u have dinner after xmas going to doM C going to start in Han i do care about you i miss you hope you call
Literally 3-i am sorry i did not get back to your text about insurance my bad i need to pick my head up and stop feeling sorry for myself and help my wife children and mamma n daddy i love you all can we have a family meeting
Literally – 4 * i may not be the best person.i am human do have feels i think about you ever day i have been and wil always be nice about whats going on hard to help my family i text and call and pray my family needs me you are veery welcome to home and anything you need from where can er please be friends i love and need yall i am trying
Literally -5 Do you want me to stop calling n texting tell me i start to feel like no one want to hear from i am rying to carre about my famiy hope yall care for me please care about me please forgive me some days are very lonely and hard for me and maybe yall to i think about my family it help me get by not see yall has been the hard is thing i ever did i feel like no one likes me i love andmiss you to hear your voic would be wonderfulsorry my depression affected my family i so love you hope to talk again
Notice he never asks a question about the children? Me Me Me I I I
But he’s lonely. He’s as human as stacks of steaming shit can be. And he misses what he lost. Oh, boy. Translation: I NEED your kibbles! WANT your kibbles!
Dear God…is he in the 3rd grade? That’s actually insulting to the grammar of 3rd graders..
This has GOT to be drunk texting!!
Maybe? I have thought the same. However,he has never been a drinker. I have smelled alcohol on him but not noticed him drunk. Now If I happened to go out with my best friend ,which was maybe once a year, he would SNIFF me when i came home. Alcohol or men i have no clue? (Yes, I am an adult and we do have a drink when we go out!) I finally said,” do not to ever do that again” and he smirked and said “that really bothers you doesn’t it?”
I think they simply project their stupid shit onto us. Claimed to have “little birds” following me. I told him they could ride shotgun because they would be bored out of their skulls carrying the kids around and waiting for them to finish six nights a week.They know what they are doing and are paranoid we are doing it too. Sicko Fuck Head!
I’m going to rant! We dated six years, lived together three years, and have been married twenty-four years. I’m the stupid one in that relationship! We lived in the same house for 28 years. I do miss my house. It was home. A home that every bill connected was in my name and I choose to leave because the emotional, verbal, cheating, abandonment, and dismissive abuse was killing us. AND he still had his address, every registration, and baking account listed at his mom’s. She did it all for him. I gave up that battle years ago. She would call and leave a message that he had a Dr. appointment. I have no idea what he has in any of his FOUR accounts.( ED will take care of that hopefully) As I rob Peter to pay Paul each month with his small cash allowance he contributed-maybe- without ever asking what was due or amount needed-and I have fucked up credit. He did say he withdrew half when he got got the papers. So Sad and I am Kicking myself hard in the ass. It is sick to see this in writing! Shit that i have never spoken aloud.
I pretended and put on a nice picture and his friends thought he was great. They probably still do.We lost all our mutual friends years ago because he had problems with them. We have one mutual friend now which is the one he accuses me of having an affair with. Bat shit crazy! When do I have time? To keep the peace I didn’t see this person for a couple of years. Controlling Freak! I’m the bad one for leaving. I last saw him a couple of months ago after child mediation and he actually told me about telling his friends not to complain because his wife left him and took everything and all his money. WTF? You are talking to me about talking about me?? He has never seen me as a person-only an object for kibbles and to practice his porno! I still don’t think he learned a damn thing from watching! He would have learned more from watching Love Story! Makes me sick and angry! Sorry for the tirade.
He actually had a scornful distain toward electronic devices especially when the kids and I did not stop what we were doing when he walked in and focused on him. The texts are insulting as said previously because he did not bother to form sentences.
He owned his own business and used every excuse to have someone complete estimates etc. for him. EX. I don’t feel I can spell well or read well.
The sad`funny thing is that Mr. Helpless had no problem pulling up craigslist, sending fully formed texts with pictures attached to friends, planning weekends with friends at the track riding (which requires paperwork), spending hours jacking off to online porno, or arranging to meet very expensive prostitutes ON HIS OWN. Prior to us leaving, he asked advice on which tablet or computer would be best and I did not think anything of it.Well, well he even has a Facebook page. REALLY?? He acted as if that was the devil. Im thinking of getting one and posting only cheating songs! Asshole!!
Post, D-Day, regarding why we could never reconcile: “It’s all about trust. I can no longer trust you.” Sadly, these were not my words. At the time, I was (stupidly) begging for the chance to reconcile. These were my cheater’s words to me after he discovered (via prying on my computer) that I had retained a private investigator after he sprung the news on me that he wanted a divorce one week after our son was born. I couldn’t believe my ears! HE couldn’t trust ME?????? More drivel from him before he knew that I knew about the OW (because the divorce was needed because I was such a bad wife. OF COURSE there was no one else in the picture.): “I never imagined myself as divorced. But if we divorce, I think I’ll be a better father, and you and I will be better friends. I want to meet someone who loves me as I am. You could meet someone who loves you as you are.” It was heartbreaking for me to get this drivel from my then-husband of 16 years at such an emotional time in our lives: the birth of our second child. The best part is, that I DID meet someone who loves me as I am. We are still going strong after 6 years of marriage and 8 years as a couple. In fact, he just adopted my two kids!!!!! As it turned out, my X did NOT turn out to be a better father after the divorce. Neither did he “meet” anyone who loves him as he is. He married the OW (whom he had already “met”), who it turns out was a golddigger and wanted someone to fund a luxurious life for her and her children. Boy was she in for a shock when she was expecting their first child (in a high risk pregnancy) and as she was lying in the delivery room giving birth to their very premature and fragile baby she discovered her prize of a husband had let their health insurance lapse. Then he lost his business — and everything — including his car — not long after. The former Miss stay-at-home found herself forced to work outside the home for the first time. She keeps him around for now to babysit their mutual special needs child plus her kids from her first marriage. X is basically her slave because he has no where else to live, no money and no transportation. It’s really great Karma. I on the other hand married a man who is crazy about me and the children. I laugh every time I think of X’s predictive words “You could meet someone who loves you as you are.” and silently whisper a prayer of Thanks that X left me!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congrats Delta on coming through to the land of Meh to a better life for you and your kids.
I also got the “I can’t trust you” and “You invaded my privacy” when I busted stbx at the underage asian hooker palace because I used the Find My iPhone feature on our phones when he was late getting to his own dad’s 75th birthday. The nerve of these total crapweasels! I told him that I thought our marriage was private………he responded with ……crickets………
Most everyone’s cheaters on this board here either bail or file for divorce……..I have one who just won’t leave. Yesterday he was ready to sell the house & divorce but now this afternoon-more BS & he’s back to refusing
Sigh…………
So close to filing I can almost feel it!! Just a little more money to go!!
Hang in there. I ended up having to file too b/c even though he wanted the divorce and had moved out to an apartment (that I had to help pay for) he kept dragging his feet. In hindsight it was a good thing I filed even though at the time I was in a fetal position under the table on speaker phone with my attorney who was literally standing on the courthouse steps with my signed paperwork on his way in to file it. I kept crying “Stop! Don’t go inside!” Then: “Okay! I know I have to do this!” Then again, “Wait! I can’t go through with it!” Etc Etc Etc. I know my attorney was probably ready to jump through the phone line and strangle me ha ha ha!. I knew that once I filed there was “no turning back the wrath of X.” After reading all the nightmare reconciliation stories on here I thank heavens there was no turning back. Good luck to you and best wishes.
I’m so happy you found somebody that loves and adores you and your children. My heart melted. I hope and pray for the same.
I meant to get caught.
I never pursued a relationship! (He 26 u 43) umm and that matters?
I compartmentalized it…. It had no effect on my family!
I never quit our marriage!
He means nothing to me! (Probably true)
I did not threaten your health he wore a rubber…. Did u bring it? Do u know his real past? Would he poke holes in his stash?
We did not have a marriage u were not emotionally supportive (prob true) but how does 30 min sex sessions with no real communication in between fill emotional voids.
If she had divorced me for my ways, I would have owned it…. Not always a great husband….. But she not always great wife and I have always run away from temptation….. Sure it would be great to have a 20 something say good things to me….. And sure sex with a 20 would possibly be fun…. But it’s shallow and does not fill any voids!
She’s a narcissistic bitch. Yes sex with a younger person would be “fun sex” but so is spending 10000$ on a purse. Adults don’t act like that. Adults have sense. Cheaters don’t 🙂
You know I’m in your corner and welcome to Chump Lady. Trust that they suck!!!
I’m supposed to show up as just “Bev ” … It doesn’t matter in the long run but it’s annoying. I’ve been posting under “Bev” for over a year ?? I just want to make sure my kids can’t see this 🙂
Always nice to see a glitch
I do appreciate the support! What a pleasant club to be a part of!
“Heck, he even considered buying her land for a horse! He had a fully formed thought about this! Yes. A considerate iota of a simulacrum of an idea of something he might, perhaps in an alternate universe do for her. ”
LOL!!! Love the way Chump Lady puts this:) Perfect!
This is one of the most common things I get/got from my cheater–how he “thinks about” nice things to do that never happen!!
During divorce proceedings, ex sent my attorney an email saying:
“It is not true I told Glad I was interested in another woman. In fact, I told her I was interested in TWO other women.”
Another time he emailed my attorney in a rage to tell her that I had gone on a shopping spree at Walmart and spent $200. This was after I lost 30 pounds in one month after Dday and needed some clothes that didn’t practically fall off. Not only that, but it was my OWN money I spent.
On another occasion, he cried like a baby on the phone with my attorney, telling her that he “just wanted to be able to buy gifts” for my family.
My attorney thought he was totally insane. She once told him that he was a “sorry, pathetic excuse of a man.”
Wow, Glad. You spent a whole $200 at Walmart to buy a few things that might fit? Does the asshat understand that $200 at Walmart is not a “shopping spree”? It’s lunch for two on Rodeo Drive, maybe, but please. I lost about 35 pounds on the Divorce Diet, and for us little wimmen, that does require changing out some clothes. If the crapweasel thinks Walmart is too expensive a venue, maybe he can suggest an alternative.
These stupid shit messages that cheaters like to send are just continuing proof that going No Contact as soon as possible is the best way to protect a chump’s mental health.
True NC is about blocking their access to you. Don’t be tempted to read their rubbish. If you cannot block their phone number, then at least mark it “Assclown” so you can auto-delete anything that arrives. I love doing that.
“Assclown” is one of my favorites. I want to assign it to my phone but my kids would see and I would block but technically it is the only communication between the kids and him. I have to keep it open via court agreement in case of an emergency. He won’t leave a voice message so I will only respond if it is a question concerning the kids usually through text. They have phones and are over the age of 16 but he has only one of their numbers. (never calls either)The other one won’t give number to him. He did not speak or spend time with them for years and suddenly he wants to communicate.
My ex is “Fucking Liar Sociopath” in my phone.
mmmHMM you comments could be mine except strike firefighters and insert police officers, they are so special too! He can ‘t help that the women love a man in uniform and all the “badge bunnies” want him! yeck!
Everybody loves some groupies. I’m hearing he can help being a predator when they fawn on him. I’m pretty sure some of those groups who sign up to protect and serve are being prosecuted these days for stepping outside of their jobs for a little nookie on the side, either with little explorer scouts or folks they pull over and like, or station groupies. Never heard the term “badge bunny” before.
can’t
Police cheaters are in a class of their own. Their working hours cover all maner of sins, they lie with ease and most of them are . at it. Mine did not have to look very far to find his fuckbuddies as they both worked the same shift.
So sorry. Mary. That sucks.
Both my ex and I work in law enforcement. He banged quite a few badge bunnies/holster sniffers, and I know at least some of the “activity” occurred while he was working. He’s currently shacked up with one of his OW, who is a “former” heroin and crack addict. She’s been arrested a few times by our co-workers and incarcerated in our county jail.
Another of the OW got into a domestic fight with her bf (my ex was her side piece) and when police arrived at her house, she threw out my ex’s name as if it would help her case. Yeah, also our co-workers at that scene. She also served time in our jail and ex was sending her money and accepting her collect calls.
He literally has zero shame.
I found out that several of our co-workers knew what he was doing while we were together but, of course, no one told me. I felt utterly humiliated for quite a while after Dday, but came to the realization that the shame was his- I did nothing wrong.
ARGHHH, MBON. Sorry you had to live through that.
You can’t make a shit behave like a flower. You can, however, decide how your life forward should look. Give it some good thought. It’s in your power now. Good luck to you and good to see you here.
Mine was good. Super smooth. The shit I got after NC was hard to resist, but the UBST helped a lot.
“It hurts me, more than you can know, to begin to understand the consequences my actions had on you. At the same time, I realize that this hurt probably still pales in comparison to the hurt I caused you.”
-Your hurt PROBABLY pales in comparison to mine??? PROBABLY????
“I know it seems and feels impossible for you to see or believe that you could ever take me back. But it can happen. It does happen. It just cannot happen without us doing some hard work together. I realize it will be painful. Painful for me. Perhaps even more so for you.”
-PERHAPS it would be more painful for me than for you???
Poor baby! It hurts so bad that I left you after you screwed dozens if not hundreds of prostitutes! Your pain is so great!
But HE is HURT! You must run and help him! What hogwash.
This poem was written to me by my ex
The Dance The Kiss
We walk around this great big world
Day by day
Wiser we get, older we grow
Sometimes to forget, what we have is GOLD
There may be times when your feeling alone
It’s only telling you I’m alone too
When the heart has no more questions to ask
It’s found its soulmate
Never to split, but to build a past
You never know until you try they say
Do you have the BALLS to PLAY
Sit back and watch it pass
Or grab it hold it make it last
Never really knowing for sure
What it is that makes you tick
Will you fall off the edge with a little flick
Will you take the risk
Or cruise in the path of another’s trip.
This is so telling in terms of how narcissistic serial cheaters think. I found all the old poems after I filed. There are more
This is part of another one called LOVE WILL PREVAIL
I never had to look very far
To see what dreams are made of
She was stalwarts there when sometimes I would wander
Teaching me reality, I thank her for never giving up on me
Although sometimes I wonder
The future is ours if I could walk a straight line
That’s all she asks, God knows I try
To have her and be hers is all that I need.
Love will prevail.
It sure makes me feel Pathetic to think I wasted so many years on this asshole!
Well he fell off the cliff hanging on to a sleazy bar whore. After years of searching he ended up with a crass manly woman that is a cross between a ninja turtle and a pekenise dog. Vulgar and controlling. After trading quality for quantity for so many years this is what they end up with. Chumps gain freedom when they leave a cheater. Being devalued for so many years took its toll until I realized the chump truth! I did gain a cheater free life. It’s never to late to move on.
Donna–the cheating is strike 1 and 2; the poetry strike 3. Self-centered, much? What a complete a-hole.
I really think he is more than a fucktard narcissistic serial cheating disturbed asshole porn addicted douche bag small dick prick but I’m sure that’s enough. I think I’ll just celebrate the fact that it’s over!
but he TRIES to walk the staight line that donna wants and is asking for.
gag
I think I am writing this more to get it off my chest, but I got this I think after DD#2:
“I know I’m the last person right now that you want to hear from, but I want you to know how sorry I am for the way i’ve treated you for over the past year. I know that I have hurt you so bad and I will do anything to make it better. I know it will take a lifetime to get your trust back, and I totally accept that. I am not saying this to sound cocky at all, but I know deep down that you still love me even just a little. I will do anything in the world for you to keep you. On the contrary, I am about as low in my life as a person can get right now. I beg you to stay with me and let me prove my love for you. I am actually afraid to say anything to you because I don’t want to provoke you but I miss you so much.”
Guess what! less then a month after this was sent I saw the email the Howorker sent to him about how her legs and hips were stiff because they had been at a 90 degree angle for over an hour earlier, she is still in a fog and completely in awe of him and will be thinking about that for a long time! p.s. he was takingin cilias to help him out. God, they are all full of shit and believe me they are very good liars! GOing NC is the only way to go to get away from this shit!
Yup,
i hate it when they said they “will do anything to” fix it/make it better/for you/for the marriage/for the kids…….
and as soon as you ask them to do something (instead of anything) they wont do it. we are asking to much. we want too much…..
they say they will do anything but that really means they do NOTHING at all and expect people to just be happy they say the words.
my xsil lost her kids to cyfd. she STILL says she will do anything to get her babies back (6 years later). but the thing is cyfd gave her plenty of chances to get her kids over 3 years. (we were fighting for the kids too so i know) all cyfd wanted her to do was keep a job for 6 months straight, keep a house for 6 months straight, stay out of jail/trouble for 6 months straight and stay off drugs for 6 months straight. she couldnt do it. it was one thing after another. she got fired. she quit. she had to move. opps got arrested (and tased hehe) she only used drugs because she was so sad she didnt have her kids…… and they would give her another chance and restart the 6 months. it was pathetic. she never did do what they wanted her to do. 6 MONTHS!! ridiculous!! and she still doesnt understand. every once in a while she will cry about how she just wants her kids and how she did what they wanted her too (no she didnt) and “THEY” still wont give her kids back. of course she doesnt do this 24/7 and not for 6 months either. just cries about it every once in a while.
they really dont get it. and i doubt they ever will.
How’s this for circular blame? Classic X…
Me to X: I need to speak with you about an incident that happened with son one at the high school, as well as son two’s transportation situation. Please call me at home and I can fill you in. I’ll be here until 11:00 a.m. Thank you.
X to Me: Son one and son two both explained their situations. Is their more to them?
Me to X: I just thought it might be helpful. No need to call if you feel you’ve been well informed.
X to Me: I don’t find it especially helpful to be notified a day or more after the events in question, and after I have already heard about them from the boys themselves. As for being well informed, I asked if there was more. You failed to answer, so I’m left to assume I have the full stories.
Why isn’t there a “Bite Me” button?
Survivor, YES! YES! YES!
Your X must be a lawyer.
Oh how I love you CL and CN. You can’t believe how much this applies to me at the moment. I went from a 21 year abusive relationship with the ex husband, where he ran off with the blonde and I went straight into another relationship basically the same. My BF ended up leaving when I confronted him about him going on ‘coffee’ dates behind my back with a couple of women (women who had confessed that they had feelings for him). But hey that was my fault because “I never let him in” whatever the hell that means.(found all this out when I logged onto his facebook account)… He was living at my place (he kind of moved himself in), he was telling them how awful I was to him, (used to wash all his clothes, cook all his meals, pay for everything all the while he sat and played playstation) and this all happened while I was organising his surprise 40th birthday. As soon as I confronted him about it he at first denied it and then said he didn’t have to deal with this and left that night. I then got a barrage of text messages from him over the next few months about how much he misses me and loves me and I never had anything to worry about with these other women. That they were just friends and it was my lack of trust that was the problem and me never letting him into my life.. He just met up with them and talked to them about me because I never let him in to his life. I asked him why then didn’t he include me in that “friendship” he had with them if they were just friends. Crickets….. I then get a message yesterday about how he is now seeing somebody else. That she is “helping” him to deal with how much he has suffered and how shattered he has been. That all of this was my fault because I never let him in (he was living at my place totally rent free for nearly a year, his kids were living there as well) and never trusted him… That I was never really right for him but he still misses me so much….. even as I type this it still does my head in. Wow just wow.
So Sorry Jode… CL needs to start another segment called Fixyourpicker… creating your own douche diviner. In the end, he is a creep that is the bad news. The good news is that you didn’t waste too much time wiht him.
Mine had a couple real gems. When looking at the literally dozens of online boyfriends on the social media sites she was using- “look! This ones a woman.” Lol as if that made it ok. Here’s another…”Me and him have nothing to do with me and you.” This after I finally got her to admit she’d been fucking a man 25 years older than her. And the strangest mind screw of all.. “I had to lie to you about who I was with,or you wouldn’t have let me go”. This came after I found that she had went on a 3 day business trip with the asshole. Unbelievable.
I similarly got: “I wasn’t honest with you because I knew you’d be upset with me.” Ummm…if you knew I’d be mad about it, you should have known it was wrong in the first place!!!
yes that is the line i got “i didnt tell you because i knew you would get mad”……
well i am MORE mad now that i found out you lied about it. what are you 3 years old? it wasnt that what he was doing was wrong, it was that i was going to get mad about him doing it. well ya, people tend to get pissed off when they trust you NOT to break your vows and promises. the thing is he would even say this about things i would not have got mad about in the first place. so i was consonantly confused.
A few of my favourites from my cake eater – who screwed prostitutes but didn’t want a divorce:
“I am sorry, it will never happen again”
“I am sorry, it will never happen again”
“I am sorry……
“If you keep telling me to stop, you will just make me go out and do it again” … What? Are you 3 years old?!
“No-ne makes me feel as bad about myself as you do”
Quote: “The only reason I stole all the gold out of the secure spot in the house without telling you is because I didn’t think it was safe there with you in your fragile state of mind”. (never mind that he took it to his trailer in a trailer park – ass)
Ya..he is a charmer. I would have paid $10.99 for a “Universal BS Translator App” on my phone.
Fuck You= I don’t agreed with your statement. WTF,WTF,WTF= I don’t understand your position and need clarification. I am going to Knock The fuck outa you = I have no other way to describe my anger but to use bad threatening words..or maybe I am just Hangry.
Mr Charming
I kept waiting for the condo on the beach he talked about year after year. He wanted control over my money to buy it. He had good credit but couldn’t get a loan without my income. He ended up with a whorse named Nancy. Pond scum too!
I kept the news of the OW from my 82 yr old mother, when she finally connected the dots, my stbx said “let me tell her my side of the story, to which I said “Go fuck yourself, leave my mother alone!” Idiot!
GOOD FOR YOU!!! I love your answer!! again, this just reminds me of when i told the man i married that he needs to tell the kids that he is not coming back, he said “ya, that way they get my side of the story and not just what your telling them”
I simply get recycled bullshit – from DDay to about a week ago (no contact except about bills and things pertinent to the divorce) – “I had to take my life back,” “You just don’t understand how empty I felt inside,” and my personal favorite, “I’m just trying to find myself.” The first time (and maybe the 100th time) I heard/saw this crap, I actually felt responsible for how he was feeling, as if I just hadn’t been a good enough wife, friend, lover, person, human, what-the-fuck-ever. I actually found a list he had made outlining my “shortcomings” to justify his cheating, which included things like “she doesn’t dress sexy around the house to appeal to me anymore,” (one of our adult children was still living with us – when I was “dressed sexy” the POS STBX was in another room looking at porn on his computer) and “when I cheated the last time and she thought she was going to lose me, she was more attentive.” I know the translation of that – she stopped doing the pick me dance.
By the 1000th time of hearing this drivel, I had been educated by CL and CN and the Universal Bullshit Translator and all I could think (because why say anything to someone that has cotton for brains) was what does that have to do with me and cheating on me? I’m sorry – I thought being married and having a family was what you wanted – that’s what you told me. Consequently, I assumed that was your life. What life did you need to take back? The broke and depressed existence you were living when I met you? I didn’t dress sexy, give you 100% of my attention as opposed to, I don’t know, 85% of my attention so you “felt empty inside?” I got 10% of your attention (on a good day when you didn’t have anything else going on) for almost the entire marriage, but I managed to find whatever fulfillment I could and not cheat. You’re trying to find yourself? Maybe it would be easier to locate yourself if you would start looking wherever you feel you lost yourself instead of between women from your past’s legs (and with prostitutes and pornography and who knows what and who else).
And if he tells me one more time that he “just wants to be happy,” I may not be able to stop myself from cold-cocking him. No contact is probably the thing that has kept him from becoming the lead story on a new season of “Snapped.”
I’d hand you the gun Princess, but I wouldn’t want you to get arrested on account of his sorry ass self.
My therapist finally hit me upside the head (metaphorically) and said, “There is nothing you could have done. Your marriage was doomed from the start. There is not enough attention or praise in the world to satisfy a narcissist.”
Tempest thank you SO much for writing that. I got told this week (when I am STILL confabulated by the totality of the discard, someone he is so connected to for over 20 years, but is now a nothing): Patsy, this is not about you. This is about his internal split. He would have cheated on whoever he was married to. This is not about OW either, he is right about that. Remember, he lied to you and he lied to OW, he cheated on you both.
What IS about you, is why you tolerated it [not having your needs met] for so long.
Patsy–BINGO!! We need to learn NOT to tolerate disrespect, in any form, from anyone. And many of us probably had warning signs–some criticism from early on in the relationship, that escalated. The first snide comment from anyone in my life from now on–they’re gone. I’m happy to deal with conflicts in a healthy way, and to continue to work on myself, but not with criticism or snideness.
Looking back, its amazing how many things I ignored or minimised. He was phoning sex lines, admitted to calling a prostitute “just to ask the price which she refused to tell me over the phone – I was not going to go”.
I guess what I know as fact is only the tip of the iceberg.
So true! XH and I were in family counselling and MC after our son had tried to kill himself, spent some time at the psych ward and got into mental health counselling (he is doing much much better now thank you!).
Every session was XH complaining about our son or how he felt nobody was recognizing him for all his wonderfulness. Not a word of concern about how son or I were faring.
Reminded me of the seagulls in Finding Nemo. Unending chorus of “mine, mine, mine…..”
My first session by myself with the therapist he told me my husband was an addictive personality with extreme narcissism. Recommended I go to Al-Anon (hubby had been in AA for 2 years by then) because my relationship with a “dry drunk” was doomed. This was said before XH announced he was leaving me.
Silly me, ignored the red flags for years, walked on egg shells, put up with condescension. The therapist and my youngest son could see the problem with a NPD and codependent me from a mile away.
Just another chump–I am so sorry your son got sucked into the emotional vortex of your X’s narcissism and abuse. I hope he is leaps and bounds better now.
“He had a fully formed thought about this! Yes. A considerate iota of a simulacrum of an idea of something he might, perhaps in an alternate universe do for her. Why isn’t she moved by this great outpouring of his emotion?”
Laughing out loud here in Pennsylvania CL….. Oh and the magic cupcakes are surely winging their way to you now….
Him: “How are the kids? Did son one pass the bar? How are daughter and son two.”
Me [thrilled he even asked, and therefore doing a modified pick-me cha cha to entice him to make an effort to see the children he has not seen in 3 years since D-Day]: “Son one passed the bar and is now full fledged lawyer working in my law firm. Daughter will graduate in May and is Phi Beta Kappa and summa cum laude, and wants to go on to get her Ph.D. Son two has grown so tall and handsome and his voice has changed, people often say he looks and acts so much like you. He is 16th in his class of 700.”
Him: “Thanks”
Me: [silently bashing my head on my desk while thinking WTF, when will I learn He. Does. Not. Care…..At. All.]
Oh yes Kelly, I have got this t shirt… Was good at doing the good pick me cha cha. When he first left, I would ring up/text and let him know if one of the kids had achieved something… would get thanks… nothing more.. he just did not care.. Now 4 years down the track, no contact, no anything. He can contact the kids if he wants to know about their life.. guess what.. he never bothers.
I know Jode, I’m like those toy cars that run into the wall, back up, and ram right back into it again. I KNOW he does not care yet somehow my hope re-springs apparently (idiotically) eternal. He rarely thinks of them, and when he does it isn’t much. My heart just won’t accept it somehow.
Kelly, the jerk wasn’t asking about his kids because he cares about them. He was asking so he could relay that information to others while impersonating a loving Dad. Maybe even take some credit for their accomplishments.
we (the kids and i) are going on 8 months of no contact from the man i divorced and their sperm donor. i have been on the fence about changing the boys last name from his to mine. (still dont want to cause him great amount of pain because i am a chump) but now reading these stories makes me wonder if i just might as well change their last name since he hasnt even tried to call or see them? i dont know what makes me think mine is any different. 4 years!?!?! 3 years!?!?! wow. so i guess if that man has no interest in his kids now he probably wont down the line.
“You are the only one I truly Love, I think about you all the time” this sent from the bedroom of his current fuck buddy at 10pm at night! And I could fill a novel with all of them 🙁
Tempest I learned the hard way also. Narcissists live to suck the life out of us every day. Like sitting on the beach on a clear day and suddenly a rogue wave takes you out to sea. You swim back to shore thinking you survived until the next one takes you further from the shore. It wears you down and you try to be an Olympic gold metalist, drown, or stop going to the beach to survive