Here’s a new category — Stupid Shit Cake Eaters Say. A chump sent me this lovely text message (name obscured to protect the cake eating) to be decoded or ridiculed, I can only guess. I’m sure we can oblige her.
In one text message this idiot covers all the mindfuckery basics.
I never did the things you said I did to you.
My uncle mike said he loves you.
I never beat you…
Much to (sic) young to be this. Damn. Old
And the fake apology for the thing he claims he didn’t do and she is making up!
Iam (sic) sorry I ever hurt you all
(When you care enough to not spellcheck or even autocorrect your apologies…)
Just wow. What does this cheater hope to accomplish with his piss-poor badly misspelt text messages? Show he cares? He cares SO much that he sent a TEXT. The lowest form of communication. He cares so much he can’t even proofread, that’s how important his words are. It’s like even HE knows what he says is shit, so why make the effort? He can manufacture another turd at will, I mean, so why craft a sentence?
I think the disordered are like little magpies, stealing and appropriating banal Hallmark sentiments they hope will impress chumps. “I just miss you. The you that smiled.” How original. How shitty and blameshifting too — why can’t you go back to the happy kibble dispenser I once knew? You’re such a BUMMER. But hey, I miss your smile.
It also occurs to me that this text message is like one of those Mothers Day worksheets that kindergartners are given, where you fill in the blanks. Small children come up with funny non sequitors like “A pond I love to watch you fish.”
He’s just so invested in her happiness! Her smile! Heck, he even considered buying her land for a horse! He had a fully formed thought about this! Yes. A considerate iota of a simulacrum of an idea of something he might, perhaps in an alternate universe do for her. Why isn’t she moved by this great outpouring of his emotion?
She’s so unfair! He doesn’t think he is a bad guy. And that’s what matters, isn’t it? How the disordered see themselves? Why can’t you see this guy the way he sees himself?
I see myself as the Grand Dowager of Lockhart, Texas. I’m 20 pounds lighter and have fairy wings. I want you all to kiss my ring, okay? And send me magic cupcakes.
It’s tragic, really. He was really thinking splendid thoughts about himself and then this woman kicked him in the balls when she said “all he did was for himself.” Yes, her very words were emasculating. Could’ve destroyed his cajones! His very manhood depends on her good opinion of him.
Would she and the Stupid Dog he misses deprive him of his balls? When Uncle Mike loves her so? And there is a POND and an imaginary horse she could have?
The poor sausage. Anyone else got any text messages to decode? Post ’em here or send them to the Universal Bullshit Translator.