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Leave a cheater, gain a life!

The Third Annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest!

by

valentineIt’s February and you know what that means, chumps? It’s time again for our annual Chump Lady Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest!

During this season of love, roses, and cut-rate chocolates, it’s important to remember the less fortunate — those poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.

So send me a poem! I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get a signed book and a cartoon drawn of their poem. I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

To inspire you, here are last year’s winners with cartoons:

GPShisDickDuckLinerUpper with:

He thought he perfected his tricks
But cell tracking exposed him real quick
His 2 am fuck
Means he’s all out of luck
I’m done GPS-ing his dick

Not to be outdone, beendonengone gave the contest some Southern grit with a twist of karma.

Ya done went an found ya another,
Cos yer home life started to smother.
Now its yer turn to crawl,
Call Jerry Springer, y’all!
Cos I hear she’s been fuckin’ yer brother!

jerry

I will leave this post up until Tuesday but you can enter submissions until February 12. (I need some time to draw, folks.) After Tuesday, I will put a Valentine’s Day link up on the navbar, so you can keep checking in.

Chumps, I know you’ve got some bad Valentines in you. Bring IT!

Comments

  1. Also! I am considering compiling these into a self-published book with color cartoons (all proceeds would go to the blog operating costs). So don’t submit if you don’t want to perhaps see this published some day! What better way to immortalize your cheater? (Other than with a divorce summons…)

      • I also finally signed agreement with my wasband to after 6 hours of mediation, I got all that I wanted, divorce to become final on feb 20 or sooner …. So glad I made this choice and thanks to this site and all advise from family and friends I’m finally on the road to meh !!! Leave a cheater gain a life !!

    • Cheater, cheater…weasel creeper…
      Had a wife and couldn’t keep her…
      Put her through a living hell…
      But now she’s living very well!

    • In rehab you met Diana, your 1st whore,
      Funny you went there for “Help” and got kicked out the DOOR!
      Facebook was your stalking ground for girlfriend #2.
      You connected with Jessica – thinking I had no clue.
      Third times a charm…
      Massage by Heather got you kicked out for FOREVER!!!
      Protective order and all, Crazy Angela still wants you.
      Some roses are red but your cheating balls are not BLUE!!!

      — note: names of whores, sluts, and the guilty have not been changed. They all slept will my EX and he’s their problem now!!!! – Happy V-Day to all the FREE and MUCH better off! XOXOXO

  2. There once was a husband called Trevor,
    Who thought himself terribly clever.
    I discovered his todger
    Impaled in the lodger.
    Clever Trevor is now gone, forever!

  3. D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
    The Valentine’s gift my ex gave to me
    I never, ever got a gift before.
    That is until the dickhead screwed his whore
    Him paying me out has made the F*Wit poor.

  4. There once was a man named Steve
    A germaphobe to the nth degree
    He stuck his dick in a hooker
    Every time he could book her
    Could someone explain that please?

  5. There once was an adulteress named Stephanie

    To justify her cheating she had an epiphany

    If I pick a fight with my spouse

    And he spends the night out of our house

    The same night when I fuck someone else

    After getting high and inebriated

    I’ll just say we were “separated”.

    • Wow. I thought only my resident cheater did that! When he later admitted, ‘Well, when you said you couldn’t live with me if I kept going on date sites, I decided we were separated and I didn’t have to answer to you any more’, I was dumbfounded. Funny how he didn’t have the stones to say that at the time so I could make an informed decision, or decide he should move out of the house to commemorate his new status.

  9. Ok I am digging this… I might just submit several… 🙂

    Oh Em was a woman so sweet
    From enlarged liver to feet
    A Rainbow girl, all smiles and pearls
    My X thought she was so neat

    An old fashion girl, it’s true
    With the office men she did screw
    My X was the knight, with dick oh so bright
    On her broom to the future they flew

    The first wife, you know, well that’s me
    Was supposed to cry in her tea
    Well her life turned out fine, Her friends are divine
    With her children happy to see.

    Em, what will the future hol’?
    With disordered abusive asshole
    Order that wine and drink, you are fine
    Because that dick shrinks when it’s old… or cold, or crabby or tired or feeling mean or whatever…

    • “Because that dick shrinks when it’s old… or cold, or crabby or tired or feeling mean or whatever…!”

      ringinonmyownbell, there is a God after all. Poetic Justice I say. 🙂

  10. So I married a liar
    Who likes to breathe fire
    He fucked in a tent
    Now she pays his rent
    Since he can never stay hired

    • few more…..

      He’s into BDSM
      Schmoopsie has to obey him
      Made her buy him a truck
      Her finances he’ll fuck
      Getting away, chances are slim

      He says he’s a polygamist
      Be grateful you made the list
      Oh, how he sparkles!
      You’re nothing to him but narckles
      1 wife, 20 girlfriends, that’s the gist

      Said our marriage was open
      Told all who would listen
      You believed the schmuck
      Him you did fuck
      He’s gone and you’re living in a basement

  11. I thought we were love struck
    The whole marriage through
    But it was just an illusion and the illusion was you.

  12. Wow! I had forgotten this. I do believe I got busy helping to care for my sister, who was very ill, (now terminal & in her last months…weeks?) I was mainly lurking then. I went & looked at other entries & am truly humbled to have had mine selected, as there were so many worthy submissions. There is a heap of imagination, expression & skill to be had in this mighty group. Extraordinary!!! 🙂

        • I’m happy you had the opportunity & you did a GREAT job! I thank you & will email with my particulars. 🙂 Thank you also for the opportunity to get it off my (our) chests. Ding so is so cathartic and empowering! <3

  13. And my limerick…

    Craigslist scammers, gold-diggers, and whores
    Who are looking for pervy old bores
    Call my Ex.-he wants to meet ya’
    He’ll get you an fiance visa
    In exchange for some blow-jobs and chores

  14. I worked so hard to be a great spouse
    But my partner was really a louse
    When I meet others in tears
    I say “Chump, have no fears,”
    I’ve been there, done that, got the house.

  16. I was married to a man child named Shawn
    who never lifted a finger, and never mowed the lawn
    But he was nice, or so I thought
    Because we rarely ever fought.

    But then he started to act strange
    He dressed nicer and put gel in his hair
    And it was not long when I found out he was having an emotional affair

    Emotional or physical, I’ll never really know
    But it was enough for me to go
    and say “Oh hell to the fuck NO.”

    • Oooooh, I hear you LC!

      I loved once, a man named Peter
      I was Pumpkin, he was “Pumpkin Eater”
      Before me, bed notches were at fifty
      In the sack, thought he was quite nifty
      and entitled. And now, known as “cheater”

      (Never actually told him that before him, I’d had better… should I?)

  17. Her body he wanted to fuck
    Poor sausage, his wife was schmuck
    But the joke is on you, his issues were FOO
    Now you know, what we know… He SUCKS

  19. She said, “You’re not the boss of me!”
    And was as arrogant as arrogant can be
    Found the other man by looking at the cell
    Remember her eventually saying other bar trash as well
    And now I divorced from her happy and free!

    • She thought she could help others rebuild trust.
      As a “Christian” marriage counselor that is a must.
      At least one affair partner on the side
      Trust shattered as she lied.
      And continues to angrily deny her marriage she did bust.

  20. One day my husband announced I was old
    Suddenly he treated me cruelly and cold
    I felt quite bereft
    And as soon as he left
    I paid my son’s tuition from his car that I sold

  21. One day my husband the strumpet did rob
    When he was gone I started to sob
    Now he is annoyed
    He remains unemployed
    Forever after he has not found a job

  22. My husband I could no longer please
    For there was nothing one could do to appease
    He constantly lied
    But he could no longer hide
    When he came home with an infectious disease

  23. There once was a man from NJ
    Who always HAD to have the last say
    He thought he had me down
    So he could EA his way to town
    But Mommy had HER last say, today!

  24. Sad letters you thought would repair
    The damage you did without care
    I read them each once
    They prove you’re a dunce
    Now I’m living a life that is clear

    • I am sorry I have to be blunt
      XW fucked a nasty old runt
      I think it was oozing
      and there was some bruising
      certainly did a number on her front

  26. Their love is so great it was fated
    They had cheating in common he stated.
    Should I feel bereft
    Now that he’s left?
    Because all I am feeling’s elated.

    Should I stop? Clearly I can do this all day.

  27. His affairs weren’t the issue, you see
    the problem was actually me
    I didn’t know I should be happy about him dating another
    I didn’t know I was supposed to be his mother
    And now that I do, I am free

  28. I wrote a similar poem a few weeks back. I’ll take another stab at it.

    One two, why OW not happy no more?

    Don’t like the final score. Should’ve thought about that on the hotel floor.

    Three, four, is you a hermaphrodite or whore?

    A mouth like a sailor, behavior to match, oh me oh my, what a wonderful catch!

    Five, six, divorce is done, you got your fat boy, ain’t this fun!

    Why threaten his X? The deed is done, my lawyer’s the champ and his was a bum!

    Seven, eight, oh wait, don’t hate,

    He’s broke as hell, not like, oh well!

    Nine, ten, XWife in the den. Counting up all the hundreds, fifties and tens!

  29. There once was a twat called Paul
    Who thought he could have it all
    She said ‘ we don’t need contraception’
    He caught an infection
    Their baby is due in the fall

      • Schmoopie had a hysterectomy a little over a year ago. STBX informed me of this fact before I announced that I knew he was having an affair and we were getting divorced. I’d been afraid that she’d get pregnant–she only just turned 40 the summer before–so imagine my relief when I heard the news!

        • One of the best things my ex ever did was have a vasectomy after we were done having children. At least my children have me; a child that those two cheaters created and raised together wouldn’t stand a chance. Whatever damage they’re inflicting on her two children is bad enough.

            • Before I had my three, he wanted to go to the knackers (the local animal castrator) and I wanted him to go too. It wasn’t only that I didn’t want more children, I wanted to be sure that whatever resources that man might produce in his life would go to MY children… not some poor little OW child.

  31. You and she both your marriages did rend
    With no efforts at making amends
    You left me & the dogs
    Like a couple old logs,
    Can’t believe you thought we’d still be friends.

  32. Congrats to you and your love, Schmoopie,
    But pursuing “true love” ‘s made you loopy.
    So much younger than you,
    When you’re old, sad, and blue,
    You think she’ll stay home & clean up your poopy?

  33. You swapped pics that were wrong
    Your tits, his schlong
    Our marriage you defiled
    Then acted like a child
    So I say to you, “So long”!

  34. I’m breaking the rules…because I’m not a good poet……CL I bought your book and extra copies….so here it goes

    She done hug a tree…cause that was in style
    Now….she hug a gun, cause she living in Dallas….in a cowboy palace
    Our son is in rehab…she wear a t-shirt for the boyzz
    It look good on her fakebook…she all about the shizzel
    She eat the kosher bacon…and use a straightener for her frizzle
    Her new Hub….Humpty Dumpty Amo dude and a Potato Dinner
    Cause dey is Americannnn…and dey live in da best land
    Holler…holler…..and a square dance
    If your son is lost….he just gotta learn how to dance

  36. My ex was a serial chatter
    Whose online stunts made me madder.
    When confronted, the cad
    Said, “What I did was bad,
    But how you REACTED was badder!”

  37. Once there was a guy named John,
    Who thought he was a real Don Jaun.

    His hands and dick wandered,
    His wife’s love he squandered.

    Lost his job cause he was calling women,
    In lies he was swimming.

    He got on his knees,
    Begged his wife “pretty please!”

    Then clever Don Juan told her a fiction,
    It wasn’t his fault (it was an addiction!).

    So Don Juan went on the DL,
    But his wife knew him too well.

    His kids disowned him,
    The girlfriend won’t bone him.

    His fearless wife got a divorce,
    She’s betting on her own course.

    Now all he does is cry and moan,
    To get laid he’d have to take out a loan.

  38. Playing fast & loose with the verse rules…sorry, FOO issues ( 😉 )

    For 25 years we were married, I thought
    Until 20 years in—you decided: Not.
    Neglecting to tell me
    You went hunting for fresh prey.

    I divorced you on my terms:
    Now you’re just another pathetic greying middle-aged man
    Whose offspring want nothing to do with you.

  39. Okay, here are a few. Thank you for this experience. You truly help pull me out of myself, every time I fall into the sad, self pity routine. CL you offer truth….. they simply do just SUCK!

    City Slut Business Woman what did you do
    With my husband 22 years older than you?
    He left me so cold. Boo hoo he was feeling so old
    Now the bastard can mind-fuck with you.

    Passive Agressive
    Mind Fuckery Asshole Man
    Cheers He is all yours

    You are like I was
    30 years ago, justice
    He will drain your soul

    Don’t you know the code
    Married men aren’t on the field
    Spread and ready girl

    Oh No you didn’t
    Silly slutty whore work wench
    Suit can’t hide the stench

    His blue eyes and cruel lies are now yours to cherish
    You win his floaters in your toilet
    His grey hair and limp dick will make your romance perish
    You didn’t think before you shared your sink
    with an adult sized problem child
    He is all yours, you special girl,
    lucky lover of a man who can’t function, envision, provide well or think

    Stealing is a sin
    Sparkly long legged ho
    Rot in your winnings

  40. Little Jack Horny, sitting on the corny, pondering what he’s become.

    XW all gone. What’s that? Where’s my fun? Uh oh, crazy HO has come undone!

    What is she saying? In the background a brayin,

    Should be happy as a clam, just sayin.

    “You got your money”! she shouted.

    Damn straight honey, Magical Momma retorted.

    Karma bus has arrived, it’s running on empty.

    No money for gas, Dear lord, such a pity.

    As my lawyers victoriously walked out the door, poor Jack started feeling like a big fat boar.

    Please tell me exactly what you did this for? That’s right, I forgot.

    Peace, joy and love to you and your whore!

  41. My husband he did constantly tell
    All the young women that his wife from hell
    “Poor baby” they said
    then they lept into bed
    and planned what to do with her things they could sell

  42. Here’s my limerick…maybe there’s another one in me, maybe not–because there’s so much I want to say! lol

    His weenis, ED and PE
    meant decades of “chaste” for me
    His geezer gut, horrendous
    His ego, stupendous
    LTA with a hooker, you see

  43. Our baby wasn’t yet one
    You wanted to have some fun
    Found an Internet whore
    Who was seeing four more
    My, how I should have run

  44. Viking for Mashley
    *****
    All his buddies called him, “Thor”
    When he kicked down a door
    And showed Mashley his hammer,
    This still makes me stammer,
    “I won’t touch that any more. ”
    *****
    He wanted a stay at home wife,
    And took a decade of my life,
    Turns out I was just a prop,
    With Mashley at home in his shop;
    His hammer is no sword, it is a 3″ knife.
    *****
    Now this “Thor” and Mashley are wed,
    They took the house and bed,
    Home Wrecker your timer is set…
    And soon Mashley, you won’t forget,
    Mask off; you got Loki instead!

  46. Asswipe of 38 years
    thought he brought me to tears
    Little did he know
    The favor he bestowed
    when fucking around
    and acting so proud
    That his lies oh so great
    Just lost him his mate

  47. I once was married to a prick
    All he thought of was his dick
    He slept with a slut
    Who smelled like butt
    And watching karma hit them gives me a kick!

  48. There was an accountant named Rick
    Who found a new hole for his dick:
    He called my wife “honey”
    And used up her money,
    Then beat a retreat — pretty slick!

    • Drinking and staying out nights
      Led to car wrecks and gambling and fights
      Your whores left me cold
      – your dick isn’t gold
      So fuck off – I’ve seen the lights!

  49. There once was a man-boy from New York
    Who came a road with a fork
    He forgot his role
    When he came to a hole
    Then mistook his dick for a cork.

    I had to go out selling girl scout cookies with my daughter, but I’m back.

  51. “Take those god-damned kids
    and get them out of my life.”
    How’s that working out?

  52. These are awesome! And it’s ONLY SUNDAY! How am I ever going to choose? But keep ’em coming! Clearly, you’ve all been suppressing your tortured, snarky poet sides, and now you can vent. 🙂

  53. Okay, so here’s a non-standard non-entry. Neither haiku nor limerick, and far too long. Offered up as a share in the spirit of the day:

    My Picker is Broken: A Love Song

    The day they were passing out mothers
    I was hiding behind the door,
    Slicked up in my best bib-and-tucker,
    Shootin’ steelies on Heaven’s floor.

    By the time I had gathered my marbles,
    All others had left the game.
    I looked around for a mother
    And from out of nowhere she came.

    Her limbs were made of barbed wire,
    Twisted steel and brass,
    And dangling inside her bosom beat
    A heart from the breast of an asp.

    She screamed, “You’re late! You’re dirty!”
    With her lip curled up in scorn.
    Her eyes were bitter, her lips no better
    And she dragged me off to be born.

    Ah, my picker is sicker than some people’s pickers
    But not as sick as some.

    It seems the others were taken,
    The soft, the serene and kind,
    The playful, the happy, the hopeful,
    The motherly mothering kind.

    The one that was left out of leftovers,
    Was the only mother they had.
    So I shrugged my shoulders and went along
    Thinking, “It can’t be that bad.”

    Turns out that was optimistic,
    And things went from bad to worse,
    Yes, I picked the barbed wire monkey mom
    From all moms in the universe.

    My picker is sicker than some people’s pickers
    But not as sick as some.

    As soon as I could skedaddle
    I slipped right out her door.
    I moseyed down along the road
    Thinking there might be more.
    More to this thing called love,
    More to this thing called life,
    More than a home of chaos and conflict
    And threats and fear and strife.

    Turns out that was optimistic,
    But this time correctly so.
    As I moved along the road of life
    I found people who seemed to know
    The secret of being happy,
    That touches that kept life warm,
    And I studied the other mothers I saw
    And watched as they did no harm.

    I thought, “I’ve got this covered.
    I can be a mother like these
    I reject the Gospel of Barbed Wire,”
    And I pledged to kiss skinned knees,
    To tuck my children into bed
    With a laugh and a story and song.
    But turned out that from out of that theory,
    I got a few details wrong.

    Ah, my picker is sicker than some people’s pickers
    But not as sick as some.

    Turns out that when I slipped out the door
    And moseyed on down the road
    Along with my favorite steelies,
    A rock, a flower, a toad,
    A shiny button, a Band-Aid,
    A pencil, some paper and glue,
    I also packed my picker,
    An act I later would rue.

    It turned out my picker was broken,
    Although I thought it was fine.
    It looked quite grand on the outside
    With dials and pointers and lines
    And it ticked as loud as any
    And the buzzer went off on cue.
    But the picker was set for Barbed Wire Love
    And hearts as tough as a shoe.

    Ah, my picker is sicker than some people’s pickers
    But not as sick as some.

    Well, I’ve taken it in for adjustments.
    I’m trying to get it fixed.
    It’s led me astray in my picking
    But I’m hoping to learn from this.

    I’m hoping my children do better.
    I’m hoping it’s not too late.
    I’m hoping I learn to listen to
    The friends that are screaming, “Wait!
    Don’t pick that up. Don’t touch that.
    You’re taking an awful chance.
    That didn’t work out so well in the past when
    You did the Pick-Me Dance.”

    It turns out that others have pickers, too,
    And some of them picked me.
    And I’m learning the meaning of friendship,
    And I’m learning that I can be free.
    And freedom has its chills and fears,
    and happy comes with a price.
    But I’ve paid that price already,
    And I think I’m ready for Nice.

    I’m ready to be my own good friend,
    I’m ready to pick Alone
    Over being with someone my picker picked out
    When calibrated to Barbed Wire Love
    And hearts as hard as stone.

    • I like, “You’re late. You’re dirty.” ♥ Life is so hard. You must be very tough. Three cheers to us late, dirty and determined kids!

    • Dear EnoughAlready!

      Superb!
      This has got to absolutely be in ChumpLady’s new book!
      So glad you have overcome such harshness and hatred!

      Wow! to all the poets & talented creative writers here at Chump Nation!
      Love the entries!

      ForgeOn, Enough….ForgeOn, all y’all…..

    • Enough already, I feel for you. Our mothers were the same. We have the dubious honor of being in a sisterhood of emotionally abused children. My therapist helped me see that I kept choosing the love I think I deserve rather than a healthy mutually respectful love. We both deserved better. Here’s to a brighter future! Hugs!!

  54. Crowing on facebook she’d won
    Her “boyfriend’s” marriage was done
    She was hoping for “likes”
    Decent people said “Yikes,
    Self respect…she clearly has none!”

  55. A musician, in a band and on tour
    Went down south and got himself a whore
    Left his kids here at home
    His faithful wife all alone…
    That fucker ain’t my husband no more

  56. Oh Meh….. How I long to reach there!
    No-contact is helping me get where
    My life is so carefree
    My days pass serenely
    I’m no longer living a nightmare

  57. At work they called him Superman,
    He fucked coworker because he can.
    The frequent work trips
    Where he fell on her lips,
    Made the wife not his biggest fan.

  58. “We are not the same people,” he said.
    “I believe my love for you is dead.”
    “Friends would be best…
    No, I don’t jest
    Because I have a new whore in my bed.”

  59. Gas lighting, morally corrupt cranium
    Shacks up with second hand Romanian
    “She brings out the gypsy in me
    but you can be my Plan B”
    No thanks NPD because now I’m a free Pennsylvanian

  62. Two hundred he fucked before me
    Two decades he got it for free
    But now he wants more
    Married life is a bore
    His hookers will fuck for a fee!

  64. I’ve got a couple…one a limerick and the other just a little poem…..

    I’ve a right to be happy he cried,
    As he cheated, gaslighted and lied,
    His wife and kids left,
    Leaving him all bereft,
    Stating, You should all be on MY side.

    Ha Ha …I Won….

    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    I got my life back ,
    She/He got YOU!

  65. New-Age Norton was drifting at sea
    Riding waves of doubt and misery.
    So he stuck his rudder
    In some mermaid’s udder
    Now the sea-cow’s his soulmate Schmoopie.

  66. He told me he’d be late at work
    I believed him, as always, that jerk!
    My normal life shattered
    To him didn’t matter
    Now he gets to see OW twerk

  67. There once was a cheater named Vince
    His pompousness might make you wince
    He thought he knew it all
    Till I made him fall
    His cell phone revealed – what a Prince!

  68. Ok, a serious one (haiku):

    I loved you, you ass.
    Your double life was wrong.
    Now I’m free at last.

  69. There once was a very spoiled slut
    who’s hubby wasn’t making the cut
    onto Ashley Madison she signed
    got lovebombed, wined, and dined
    to end up back in the very same rut.

    There once were two cheaters who knew
    that their love depended on his “ex-shrew”
    they kept setting the bait
    hoping to triangulate
    but she’s total NC and they’re screwed.

    Hee hee! I forgot how much fun these are! 🙂

  70. there once was a guy named Chuck
    who gave it all up for a fuck
    his kids, still divine,
    his beautiful wife got a life,
    so sad, but Cheaters they Suck!

  71. There once was a Slunt with skunk-striped hair,
    My husband she did try to ensnare,
    She was happy to spread her legs,
    Didn’t care if she was settling for the dregs,
    Didn’t know she was dealing with an awesome mama bear.

  72. “Do you think that you are important to me?
    Hah, wifey, you’re merely a low number three
    Of my priorities, maybe you’re four,
    Whatever. I need to be out the door…
    Baby Momma is waiting, you see.”

    • Hey, my ex made a list of his priorities. Work, Racquetball, and on and on till very last…ME! Oh, He forgot to list his dick first! Lol

        • GP, remember you don’t OWN his fucked up choices. And it is…hard. Please be kind to yourself. Get help when you need it. And realize you loved with your “whole Chumpy naive heart.” Like most of us. A Divorce Care group helped me (saw both sexes reacting to infidelity…) as did all my friends (who, I am sure, were sick of me trying to figure it all out, what CL calls ” untangling the skein…” But they still dragged me along on girl travel days. So hang in there. I was with my ex for twenty eight years and his betrayal was mind blowing. It has been five years and I am just beginning to carve out a better future. Baby steps, GP.

          • Thank you so much Drew! I am hanging in there. That particular event was 7 years ago, but still brings me to tears, not suicide now. I’ve since turned my singular experience into a mission to expose psychopathy in government where it is doing the greatest harm. (If anyone is interested – http://petition.NoPsycho.Org )

  73. There once was a married professor
    Who never missed an opportunity to lecture
    He knew more than all
    Before his grand fall
    From the Ivory Tower to his lying ass on her.

  74. Entitlement
    It’s my money, my spare time, my life,
    My smart kids, my stay-at-home wife.
    If I want a hooker
    I’ll just go and book her
    So back off and don’t give me strife!

    Chumped
    Mighty, mighty, mighty me!
    Tracy said ‘You can be free’
    I’m not his wife
    I gained a life.
    I’m strong and my kids can see!

  75. And a few haikus

    He gives me herpes
    “Why can’t you get over it?
    I said I’m sorry”

    I give and you take
    Personalities exposed
    Chump and her cheater

    A surge of despair
    Blossoms into a true life
    Recedes leaving Meh

    I am really enjoying these!

  76. it was all about YOU and not ‘us’
    so you fucked her and said, ‘what’s the fuss?’
    you can have your cheap whore
    i don’t want you no more
    but watch out for the big karma bus.

  77. You told me that one of them stalked you
    Turns out that the “stalking” took two
    Five year-old found on the phone
    Texts when you weren’t at home
    Showed that’s not all the lying you do.

  80. I cry every single goddamn day.
    The pains don’t leave, they only stay
    The secrets and lies that I’ve endured
    Will never be forgiven nor cured
    Since, for his crimes, he’ll never pay.

  83. You are a removable discontinuity
    I am free to delete you for perpetuity
    limit x —> 1/a (limit as x goes to 1 over A)
    is rewritten today
    to discard the 0 ambiguity

  84. Bwahahahaha! I’m seriously dying with laughter at all these submissions! These are great!
    I’m not the poetry type so I’ll sit this one out – but just want you guys to know these are all awesome.

  85. The bastard who shattered my soul
    Deserves crippling blows and crushed whole.
    See how the lies never end?
    He wasn’t ever my friend,
    And our marriage; contrived rigmarole.

  87. Ode to OW’s Playbook

    Remember when your wife and daughters were devastated on DDay?
    I texted you, “once they see our love, everything will be okay!”
    Well it’s three years later and we are still going strong!
    Not even our STD or their PTSD can convince us we’re wrong!
    Told you only I can make you happy and I wasn’t just a great lay!

  89. I tortured myself for a while,
    With how he could treat me and smile.
    Would he change for her?
    Be like days that once were?
    Doesn’t matter, cuz to me he’s vile.

  90. There once was a woman life lumped
    She learned bit by bit she’d been chumped
    She came out of her fog
    And created a blog
    And now many more cheaters are dumped.

    (Thanks Tracy.)

  91. He could not stand me because I was so lousy, lazy and fat. You know everyone wants a pretty wife.
    He said I was controlling, and if he would have wanted to be controlled he could have just married his mother.

  92. There were two lovers from the land of swoon
    I was her Johnny and she was my June
    While I sang, she banged a new queue
    and to some Graham cracker become Emmy Lou
    and with that I set forth and penned a new tune

  93. I had no idea
    The sociopath did not
    live next door after all

    I did not realise
    Compared himself to Dexter
    I didn’t know Hare’s list

    I still can’t fathom
    Dissappeared with th OW
    Thank goodness he’s yours

    I fixed my picker
    I have a beautiful home
    And I have a soul

  98. Veritas vos liberatum
    Found a lawyer now I’ve got him
    Alimony rest of life
    Moved away no longer wife
    Freedom at last from narcism

    • Veritas vos liberatum
      Found a lawyer now I’ve got him
      Alimony rest of life
      Moved away no longer wife
      You plumb dumb narcissist pond scum

  99. He considered daily sex “a rut”.
    Tried to get me to take it in the butt.
    You want shit on your dick?
    Well, then I’m not your chick.
    Go ‘head and buttfuck that fat slut.

    But make sure you don’t tell the sweet whore,
    That this is Dday number four.
    and that all the romancin’
    is to keep me pick-me dancin’
    while you violate her huge back door.

    Fecal incontineeeeeeeeeence…yeah!

  100. To my miserly ex-husband Dave,
    “Why not keep your fat whore in a cave?
    Her face is disgusting
    but she’ll only need dusting,
    And think of the money you’ll save!”

  101. This valentines day I said fuck it
    Bought myself lingerie, flowers and a locket
    I just need to be happy you see
    I’m happy and the picture’s of me
    Your empty shell requires someone else to manufacture it

  102. My heart is singing like a bird in a tree
    I feel like I’m floating in a tropical sea.
    You were dragging me down
    But now you’ve left town
    I am free – see my smile? – I am free!

  103. Haikued limerick
    5 5 7 7 5

    I enjoy my life
    No lying or strife.
    The lens I view my world in
    improved with no gaslighting
    since I’m not your wife

  106. Kevin disappears lots of money,
    Cos you see he spends it on honey,
    Now he’s out of the house,
    My bank account’s grouse,
    And the future looks so much more sunny

  108. Kevin says he’s working late,
    But he’s really going on a date,
    Marriage vows do not count,
    When a slut you want to mount,
    A new future I will have to create

  109. He really liked her in bed,
    Though it was to me he was wed
    He broke my heart,
    Now must make a new start,
    Hope an asteroid falls on their head

  110. Can’t stay with you anymore
    I need to be with this whore
    When I’m old she will care
    In bed she has flair
    And she thinks I have money galore!

  111. My marriage was series of jokes,
    As my husband preferred to do blokes.
    But despite his confession,
    And divine intervention,
    For valentines he seeks a new beard.

  112. You caught me and that isn’t funny
    But guess what you’re not my real honey
    My economy will crash!
    Our relationship’s trash
    So please give me all of your money

  113. Don’t leave me, I begged him, hands clasped
    But he said No, — he’d already asked
    Schmoop if she’d share him
    So he’d have a harem
    The Sharing Idea – what an ass!

  114. Said Cheater to me D-Day night
    After weeping, lamenting his plight
    “If you play your cards right
    Then you just might
    Have a second chance with ME, what delight!”

  115. It was only this one time, I swear!
    He cried as he lied, standing there
    But then I found emails
    To more other females
    His dick’s been in twats everywhere.

  116. It was just those three days, Cheater lied
    To fend her off bravely he tried
    “She came on like a train wreck”
    But his brain’s in his lil dick
    It wasn’t his fault, see? He cried!

  117. You looked me in the eye and lied,
    Went to church, raised your hands, prayed in tongues, even cried.

    Yet despite all your sparkle,
    Your life’s one great big debacle.

    You claimed divine intervention,
    Forgiveness your only intention.
    Because you were forgiven by you and apparently God too,
    So what was my prevention?

    Well you know it has been said of me,
    I do not suffer fools lightly.
    So let me add this before it’s too late.
    My man must be Honest, Faithful and STRAIGHT.

  118. Oh Schmoopie, You’re Special, He said
    As they fucked in my house, in my bed
    Can’t leave wife cuz she needs me
    (though she houses and feeds me)
    She needs to examine her head!

  119. His girlfriend is such a fucktard,
    During their vacation to Florida she sent me a postcard,
    She said she was sorry for my loss,
    That now SHE’S his new boss,
    They would celebrate her birthday; what do you do with a dog from a junkyard

  120. Said Cheater through crocodile tears
    Oh, I’ve been unhappy for YEARS
    But I couldn’t tell YOU
    That just wouldn’t do
    I might have to have a real career.

  121. wow, snow day, extra coffee and I can’t stop!!!

    She makes me feel like a real man
    Since you caught me, she’s now my new plan
    She’s older than you,
    fatter, uglier too
    But her bank account’s really why I ran

  122. The retirement fund you tried to hide
    By the pension appraiser was spied
    I ended up with the house
    And the money you louse
    Karma’s bite for the tears that I’ve cried

  123. Don’t you believe that I love you, he pled
    Strawberries and chocolates in bed
    Is what OW got
    While you just got squat
    No, I don’t! Hit the road’s what I said.

  124. You deserted our lives as you wavered
    To suck the new cock you so savored
    But you’re starting to hate
    What is left on your plate
    Cause the sandwich you now eat is shit flavored

  125. A trip together
    Burden always on my shoulders
    Too tiring for you
    Solo vacation
    You made six reservations
    You were able to
    It was just an act
    Russian whore as incentive
    My man has no tact

  126. He had an emotional affair
    Cuz homelife was too much to bear
    She left hubby for him
    One day on a whim
    As for me, I’m too ‘meh’ to care!

  127. He said he was looking out for my feelings
    With the lying, cheating, and wheel-dealings
    He seemed so surprised
    when I had him fired for his lies
    2 years later and he still won’t stop squealing.

  128. To his rival, he must confess,
    She’s been a wonderful mistress !
    He does not regret anything.
    Maybe he should; his ding-a-ling
    Can’t operate without the stress
    Got used to strong stimulation
    A youporn-type situation
    Russian girlfriend knew to provide
    Finger in ass, blowjob, no pride.

  129. A haiku for exH re: OWife

    She’s strong, assertive
    She always gets what she wants
    Oops, can’t see your kids

  131. Your lies and “low self-esteem”
    Couldn’t save you from your ugly scheme.
    Then you called it a dare,
    But I sure as hell didn’t care
    Fuck you, I’m not one to spare!

  132. My x was never a genius

    his decisions were made by his penis

    A vindictive borderline you did screw,

    She Blogged pix of your micro dick and business name too

    Now you’re broke and alone, while I own a home.

    May the karma bus keep running over you

  133. A couple of limericks:

    His wife went out looking for action:
    Being True gave her no satisfaction.
    She said, “It’s my path.”
    He replied, “Do the math:
    By divorce, I add by subtraction.”

    My ex loved to brood and to quibble
    If she felt she was shorted on kibble.
    She gets what is due her
    When married men screw her.
    Turns out, I married a Sybil.

    And a couple of haikus:

    All those vibrators
    Left behind in your nightstand.
    Oak nightstands burn bright!

    If you laid the men
    On Facebook end to end I
    Wouldn’t be surprised.

  134. Affairs, gambling & lies
    He fucked over 4 lives
    But I got smart
    A keylogger is a must
    And now all he does is cries.

  135. Cheryl the Depressed Hoarder
    Drank attention like Cherry Cola
    She stopped giving a damn
    Slept with the maintenance man
    Now she’s stuck with a cheating odor.

  137. Everything seem starry-eyed
    Tho another bed he lied
    He tried to come back
    did he think I was a quack
    after the accounts he drained

    I got some good friends
    And cleared out the house instead
    And my lawyer he said “was so mean”
    I sat there and laughed
    While the judge beat his ass
    Due to his pornography

    He says I’m not Christian
    And he should be forgiven
    For his bad mistakes he made

    But instead I smile
    For this lies I don’t have to harbor
    While he even lost his schmoopie

  138. Oooh, I love haikus! Here’s my first:

    I may be a chump
    But you are a steaming pile
    Of narcissist dung

  139. Cheater, liar; you
    Told her marriage was over
    Before you told me.

    Love-bombed, hooked, and chumped.
    I loved who I thought you were.
    Ha! Joke is on her.

    Lost more than you know.
    Stuck her with your broken dick.
    Hope you’re happy now.

    Her husband cheated.
    She swapped her cheater for mine.
    Karma bus is here.

    There once was a deadbeat named Phil,
    Who refused to pay marital bill.
    Instead, spends his money
    Impressing his honey.
    Out of cash? Leave him she will.

    Don’t worry, he said.
    She doesn’t date married men.
    Famous last words. Chumped!

    Let’s end this quickly.
    Divorce can’t come soon enough.
    What’s taking so long?

    Still denies affair.
    I have more proof than he knows.
    What an idiot!

    Thanks for letting me vent in a creative way!

  141. Your love was a lie
    Your sorry, more of the same
    I won’t live that way.

    I won’t dance for you
    And hope you see I’m a prize
    I know what I’m worth.

    Gaslight. Blameshift. Lie.
    The playbook makes me laugh now.
    Tuesday has arrived!

  142. And now, a limerick:

    Your dick was craving new action
    You blamed me for my strong reaction
    You’re scratching an itch
    With a cold-hearted bitch
    But you’ll never find true satisfaction

  143. There was an OW named Hayley,
    Who appeared to be really quite “whaley”
    She died her hair pink
    And fucked like a mink
    But I thank her for stealing him, daily

  144. Me Me Me Me Me
    Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
    Hark! The cheater song!

    Me Me Me Me Me
    You sing so pretty. Oh shit,
    Codependency

    Me Me Me Me Me
    Same song, lame sing. Good bye,
    Cheater needs new audience

  145. There once was a cheater I married.
    Said our sex life was not enough varied.
    He needed his cake.
    Her tits were fake.
    He resides now in the back yard buried.

  146. That man, can he text
    For you to send him the sext
    Oh, can he flirt
    For you to lift up your skirt
    I feel sorry the person you choose next.

  147. I think I’m nearly at Meh.
    There’s little he could do or say,
    That would make me care
    If it’s five hos, and a spare.
    I divorced him, and he went away.

  148. I wish I was creative enough to rhyme but I sure have enjoyed reading everyone’s poems – great stuff!

  149. EVERYONE thinks you’re soooo smart –
    your good job, your good looks and good heart.
    But I know you better,
    you cheap-assed home-wrecker
    Your soul stinks of rancid old farts.

    • apologies. i pressed ‘post comment’ too soon! it should say:

      EVERYONE thinks you’re soooo smart –
      your good job, your good looks and good heart.
      But I know you better,
      you dumbass home-wrecker
      Your soul stinks of rancid old farts.

  150. migraine meds apparently spur poetry….and I’m no poet! Haiku:

    A liar, rampant
    No wind-the banner hangs limp
    Our garden trees, gone.

  151. Also, this was a poem I wrote in the depths of my sorrow after DDay and my daughter leaving the US:

    ‘The Herring Bone’

    the slenderest thread
    keeps me alive.
    A herring bone
    stretches from
    Here, Massachusetts
    to Hamburg, Hanseatic
    city of rivers and herring
    And daughters and love.

    • I love Hamburg and the region. I know it is tough having your daughter far away. If you get a chance to visit, you should both take a trip to Luebeck, just on the other side of the state, about 65km away.

      • Ja, been to Lübeck (I’m a marzipan fanatic…of course I went to Lübeck!). And, lovely Medieval cities…thanks for the idea.

  153. I went and bought a keylogger
    And caught him with a blogger
    They coo-ed online
    And met for wine
    But now they’re just two old doggers!

  154. When I think of OW’s fat thighs
    How she loves to eat those mince pies
    I see what poor taste
    He chose in his haste
    Now poor ex has skank with his fries

  155. Nine years of my life I spent,
    While his love for me came and went.
    Until I got wise and kicked out the flunkie,
    He went and shacked up with a heroin junkie.
    I said “meh” and found a very nice gent.

  156. He’s a bald drunk and a liar.
    She’s at the bar and for hire.
    She opened her gob,
    Then fell on his knob,
    May they die screaming on fire.

  157. You said “soon” when I wanted to marry.
    Nine years I waited- how scary!
    Your penis you gave away freely…’
    That’s why I wasn’t touchy feely…
    But without you I’m happy, so very.

  158. There once was a barber named Margo
    Whose special customers she did blow
    Sure she charged for the cut
    She was no freebie slut
    This skank comprehended quid pro quo

  160. My ex hates, can’t possibly moon
    Announced April engagement in June (on my birthday)
    New York Times was for us
    Not this crap local fuss, which
    Matched your first, but not THIS honeymoon

    And BTW: I don’t get the local paper with all its stupid social announcements on Saturdays, you live more than an hour away so you drove all the way here to deliver them so I’d see this crap all announced two months later than it actually occurred, coinciding with MY birthday and what would’ve been OUR 35th wedding anniversary? Narcissism knows no bounds.

  161. Our daughter learned of birds and bees
    While watching your skank on her knees
    With your thing in her gob
    ‘Sitting’ skank’s kids child’s job
    And you expect child to worship you? Please…

  162. Ex hubs loved to look at his porn.
    Between his family and whores, he was torn.
    D-day number three
    did it for me.
    Now he’s so sad and forlorn.

  163. A short fat adulteress called R*c*l
    whose heart’s best described p’raps as glacial
    she thought it good luck
    my husband to f*ck
    In her house which is less than palatial

    How surprised husband was when I filed
    For divorce, indeed he truly was riled.
    “I didn’t commit
    that adultery bit”
    But the lawyer his misdeeds compiled.

    He honestly did this, tried to bully me into not divorcing him when he got the letter from my lawyer, and then when I refused to change my mind, after having openly been living with her and sharing a bed for 7 months, he refused to sign that he committed adultery. Fortunately his lawyer admitted it for him.

  164. She “won” a compulsive liar
    Nearly bankrupt his finances dire
    He owes IRS, legal fees, it’s a mess
    But she thinks that he’s someone much higher

    He’s a con in a lawsuit for fraud
    As such he “deserves” a new broad
    I now have his number and more peaceful slumber
    She’s blind to how deeply he’s flawed

    Does she know he’s a serial cheater?
    Surely bound to be a repeater
    The Narc’s so amazing, her mind’s not appraising
    She’s too busy blowing his peter

    38 years and I’m moving on
    No more liar, and cheater and con
    I’ll be taking the Ranch
    And you both will blanch
    At how little you’re left when I’m gone

  165. Please buy “us” this house
    Said my favorite louse.
    But when I replied no
    To the OW’s parents they go
    “Reconciliation won’t work” I heard him grouse.

    Sham of R ended they day I refused to co-sign on a house I’d never seen or knew he was looking for…located near MOW’s house.

  167. He said my business I must grow
    I am my company you know.
    All that late night “work”
    Watching that fat bitch twerk.
    I see you clearly now I crow!

  168. There once was a married man named Steve He thought he should have any woman he pleased
    Though his wife was pregnant,
    That was not a deterrent
    He found a woman that didn’t care about the baby

    Steve was a firefighter, you see
    A special sausage, unlike you and me
    Opportunities abound
    He could not bear to turn them down!
    For he was overweight balding

    Steve had many affairs while he was married
    His excuses were always quite varied,
    He would rage at his wife,
    “You don’t make pot roast right! Or sleep with me every night!
    And you’re friends with your coworker, Gary!”

    When Steve’s best friend died in a crash,
    He comforted the widow in a flash!
    She was grieving and weak
    Opportunity was at its peak!
    And he heard she loved taking it up the ass!

    When Steve’s wife found out,
    She was filled with doubt
    “Steve works day and night
    His schedule is too tight”
    Steve began to cry, plead, and pout

    Steve turned his friends against his wife
    “She cleans too much!
    She dresses like a slut!
    She’s always focused on the kids day and night!”

    Alas, steve admitted to one measly affair
    His wife knew better, but by then, she didn’t care
    He cried, bought flowers, but none of the blame would he bear

  169. There once was a husband named Bill
    Who couldn’t resist a cheap thrill
    He finally got caught
    A whore’s all he’s got
    His luck has gone quickly downhill

    • And now his own children say no
      We won’t visit you and the ho
      But he doesn’t care
      There is no there there
      We leave them to their life of woe

      • Well Kelly said “hey it’s his loss,
        I realize I’m sort of a boss.
        He’s sick in the head.”
        And now she’s re-wed
        While ex his few options exhaust

  170. ‘It’s HER fault!’ your cheerleader said
    when she kissed you, curled up in our bed.
    ‘She made lousy dinners,
    That’s why we’re not sinners.’
    But you’re both just fucked up in the head.

  171. These are a little dark, and have to do with abuse, both emotional and sexual (sorry).

    You wore me down well
    Trained me into submission
    Now you must bow down

    Abuser, cheater
    I entered your hell with you
    Not my problem now

    That dark place of yours
    I willingly went for love
    Not going again

    Once I met evil
    Why I went there, I don’t know
    You wasted my love

  172. The cheating narcissist fool
    Who never felt bound by a rule,
    Said,”Hey, to be blunt,
    I’ll screw who I want,
    And don’t you Dare call me a tool!”

  173. And another limerick:

    A lonely old whore named Joanne
    Decided that she’d “steal” my man
    She said she “adored” him
    He swore that I bored him
    He lies to her daily – his plan!

  174. Dear Margaret our life’s down the sewer
    Because I decided to screw her
    It’s not really deceit
    If I secretly cheat
    ‘Cause It’s YOUR fault I had to pursue her.

  175. To the tune of ‘We’re off to see the Wizard”……

    He’s off to see the HO, The Wonderful HO of MO
    I hear she is a whiz of a wacker, if ever a wacker there was
    If ever, oh ever a wacker there was, The HO of MO is one because
    Because, because, because, because, because
    Because of the wonderful wackin’ she does
    He’s off to see the HO, The Wonderful HO of MO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Hehehe —-“If ever a wacker there was”. Oh gosh, I already have an earworm on that one!

  176. There was an attorney called Paul
    Stuck his dick in anything at all
    All the hookers in FL
    He put me through hell
    The memory still makes my skin crawl

    Such a “good Baptist gent”
    Wonder how that bible went
    When I discovered his lies
    He let his fists fly
    And off to ER I was sent

    There was an attorney Valcore
    His sadism I used to abhor
    He thought he’d confuse me
    Beat and abuse me
    He didn’t count on the fact I could roar

    Despite this sadist I grew
    Escaped to create life anew
    Wouldn’t take it any longer
    I feel so much stronger
    I survived and now thrive, you will too

  177. You traded class, beauty, and intelligence,
    For an ugly, druggie, and disobedience,
    I have my children, grandchild and a good job,
    You have dysfunction with her psycho son, and a casino pickup bar slob,
    No matter how low you are willing to go in court, I will still have my independence

    Happy Valentines Day

  178. He hid it from me
    Her and I could not see
    That father of mine
    A man who, for more love, was always trying
    What kind of father is he?

  179. There once was a man named Dave,
    Who long treated his wife like a slave.
    His wandering peter
    Meant he lived life as a cheater.
    The fat vegan ho he began to crave…she can keep him!

  180. He wanted to quickly sign on the dot
    To get on with fucking his new twat.
    The tall, cruel man
    Packed up his van,
    And that’s how I lost my crockpot!

  181. one day someone banged on my door
    it turned out to be my husbands whore
    he is mine she insisted
    I’m not bitter or twisted
    just free of his lies evermore

  182. So my ex, let’s call him fucker,
    Decided he needed a new naive sucker.
    Sadly he learned without me,
    Not all things are free.
    Now he lives back at home with his mother.

  183. You’re awesome, she said
    As she gave him some head
    He said my wife’s nuts
    My life’s in a rut
    So the two lowlifes jumped into bed

  184. Moving into a new genre called Cheater Camp Songs

    To be sung to the tune of La Cucharacha… so many layers of poetry.

    My rotten cheater, My rotten cheater
    Has a nasty new womaaaan
    She’s very stoopid, and very vapid
    You should take one look and run

    She wants my husband, my rotten husband
    Cuz she thinks that he’s so fun
    But he’s abusive, oh yes abusive
    Call the sheriff when he’s done.

  185. I’d like to congratulate you, other woman,
    On the sociopath you’ve won, my ex husband.
    He lies pathologically,
    You’ll find that out in spite of me.
    When you experience his infidelity firsthand.

  187. I wish you all the best, honey,
    For your affair to me now is just funny.
    I hope you two find peace,
    Living in your deceit.
    As I walk away with your money.

    • TheBetterJamie, I love it! Very, very entertaining! Who knew so many chumps were so very talented! This is great! I especially love your last entry!

      • Thanks, Roberta! I don’t know why I haven’t been filling a journal with poems…they’re just pouring right outta me and it’s quite relieving! Lmao.

  190. When you walked out the door
    To shack up with your whore
    You cockily assumed your child’s love
    Was so strong she’d think nothing of
    Instead you’re a thing to abhor

  192. Ok last one for tonight, I’m on a roll!!!

    Oh, you filthy little prick,
    How your bald spot makes me sick.
    I’m sure your college girlfriend’s engaging,
    Your premature aging.
    She seems like a really sweet chick.

  193. Alright, I want to leave it on a positive note and tell you all that your poems, strength and ability to find humor in the darkest of places has inspired me. Good night!

    If you’re reading this I’ll assume that you’ve made it,
    Out of the double life that your ex had created.
    We all here are fighters,
    Once victims, now survivors.
    And that, Chumps, should be celebrated!

  194. “I met someone else who is special to me
    I can’t live a life of pure celibacy
    I deserve to be happy
    And you should feel crappy
    I have rewritten you into irrelevancy”

    Pick me dance
    Not a chance
    Easily found employment
    Put a fly in your ointment
    Paid my lawyer in advance

    Look whose jockular, radiant and blithe
    Receiving court ordered payment hefty tithe
    You have become so lugubrious
    Surprise, choices weren’t salubrious
    The karma bus hit you and left you to writhe.

  196. Hickory dickey dock
    You couldn’t control your cock
    The narc ran to his whore
    Left me and kids poor
    But deep down we are the ones that rock

  198. You said the “friendship” was nothing,
    But I found out you bought her a ring.
    On a secret cruise you went,
    And your money she spent,
    But now she thinks you’re boring.

  199. How does it feel to know,
    Your girlfriend’s a drug loving ho.
    Your “morals” she tested,
    But she’s been arrested,
    By your co-workers… Wow, that’s a blow.

  200. Narc and whore snuck around at work
    You lied, stole, cheated by the book
    Genghis khan attorney found you out
    You had no more clout,
    It all came out bit by bit
    Now you blame me
    Because you cannot see
    Your a two timing piece of Shit

  201. There once was a gaslighter named Ryan.
    My forgiveness, he always was buyin’.
    Til the abandonment, more than mild,
    He is- less than a year later- with a new child.
    And now O-Wife is prey to his lyin’.

    My, that was therapeutic.

    • You can set the hoovering phone calls on a dime.
      Your soulmate turned out not to be oh-so sublime?
      While parenting our daughter,
      Undoing all of the narc-BS you two taught her,
      Is this really how I must spent my time?

      “Admit your fault in this” he doth protests
      “We’re still great friends” he does still blithely profess.
      Any time spent on this mind fuck,
      Is clearly a time suck,
      An aside: accidental infidelity diet makes me look hot in this size 4 dress.

      I can do this all night.

      • My husband left me for a whore
        He met her at a bar
        she thought it was a one night stand
        but he went back for more and more
        Now he’s holed up with a whore
        He wrote poems calling her a dream girl
        If I only knew he wanted to be with
        an ugly, abusive, sleazy pig
        I would have left him long ago
        He wrote her poems through the night
        Texting her his love while taking a shit
        His best poem line was
        Married but on our own, met her while he was with me
        Now he owns a whore
        who gives blowjobs in her car
        His children want nothing to do with him
        The price you pay when your mask comes off
        now I see what the porn, drug, alcohol addictions that defined you
        I see you
        I wonder no more
        you just wanted a whore
        today I am finally free

  202. my husband kept having affairs
    was addicted to strange pubic hairs
    I wept and I screamed
    I hoped and I dreamed
    I even tried saying my prayers

    for a very long time I felt blue
    as none of his stories were true
    I listened to lies
    and weak alibis
    while his whore he continued to screw

    then late one night on the net
    I will never forget
    I found Tracy and all of you too

    I think I have sussed what was wrong
    the thing was a farce all along
    I was cast as the chump
    while his tarts he did hump
    but now I am mighty and strong

    I won’t play the fool anymore
    as his true love showed up at my door
    I declare her the winner
    her prize is the sinner
    and I’m cheater free
    thats for sure

  203. The other woman, that bitch is so silly
    Thought she’d be getting my life *snort*, oh really?
    I’m divorcing his ass
    Hell yeah, I’m getting half
    But I’ll toss her the dried wedding bouquet of white lilies

    The fog is gone now I can see
    20 long years he didn’t love or support me
    That whore is a tramp
    and he is a scamp
    But from my gilded cage I am now free

    He and his whore, they like to take trips
    they f*** in hotels and take dirty pics
    At first I was sad
    But now I am glad
    “Hit the road” I say to those twits.

  205. Raising our kids has made you a bore
    So I had to find a skank-whore
    She left her young girl
    Round my small cock to twirl
    Now two families shook to the core.

  206. “I want to be happy,” he’d cry
    “I’ll live in a box,” he did sigh
    But wait, there was more
    He screwed a skank-whore
    “Happiness is a warm box,” he’d reply.

  207. Our cheaters live lives of distain,
    They wound us and feed off our pain……….
    …….But……
    Chumps not only survive,
    But we triumph and thrive,
    And we rise from the ashes again!

  208. I will pay you to leave your wife, I will.
    After you do, we will celebrate with your little blue pill!
    Do not fear that everyone found out
    I am nothing like your wife, that good Girl Scout.
    But I AM the ONLY ONE who can MAKE YOU HAPPY…still!

  209. Goodbye to the mind fuck, lies and deceit.
    The only truth you spoke was when you told me
    You were hungry, horny or needed to pee.

  211. There was an old man with a beard
    Who marriage vows never revered.
    Other women he screwed
    In a manner so crude
    From his family he disappeared

  212. There lives a narc named Oskar.
    He uses women in order to prosper.
    He picked the wrong one;
    Pam said ‘this is not fun’ so
    She kicked his ass to the curb
    and he lost her.

    (epic mic drop)

    • Handsome sexy voiced gigolo
      You used my love to chase your ho’s.

      What a freak show was your haram–
      Duck faced Susan and stumpy legged Karen.

      You drove my car and burned my gas
      to fuck familiar and strange ass.

      Assaults, deceit and contempt I endured.
      My actions will prevent others being lured.

      Your prospects have dried up, Mr buff and tanned.
      I reported you to POF and Match—you’ve been banned.

  213. fuck you you twat
    you didn’t get squat
    you head is in your anus
    and your whore is just heinous
    so while you thought you were hot
    I’d just think not
    so go back to your whore
    you ungrateful bore
    ‘cuz I don’t need you anymore

  214. You made a choice to crap on your old life
    No one held a gun to your head to cheat on your wife
    Your arrogance and entitlement grew through the years
    You gas lighted and blame shifted praying on fears
    Chump nation to the rescue now I march to a cheater free fife

  215. Your passive aggressive control was so slick,
    I thought it was your wife & your child you would pick.
    But see here, you coward,
    I took back my power.
    And you’re left just holding your dick.

    Who the hell is this?
    You’re not who I made vows with!
    So the real you has shown up?
    Well you’re shit outta luck.
    Because I don’t put up with his shit.

    Deny truth, it won’t be heard,
    You do know that is absurd.
    Pretty mask, so thin,
    I see what’s within.
    Pointless to cover a turd.

  216. It wasn’t my fault! I was plastered!
    You KNOW drink’s a thing I’ve not mastered!
    But my love is reborn,
    Kiss my sweet unicorn!
    Really? I still think you’re a bastard.

  217. I wrote this a couple of years ago. I apologize for the length, but just wanted to share.

    Fair?

    There once was a bitch named Vajayjay
    Who saw MY husband as a good payday
    She started to call him, and sent a good text
    Thinking, “Oh, I think I’ll DO her husband next”

    She worked in his office with a low paying job
    Thinking “Oh, I will win him with a blow job”
    So she dressed in lace panties and size 32A bra
    Thinking “this will make Rugger draw the last straw”

    My husband was withdrawn and so very weak
    He thought “what the hell, I’ll take a quick peek”
    “I’ll start working out, and act like I’m cool”
    Little did he know he would become a big fool

    Little Miss G**a had done this before
    All the staff knew that she was a whore
    The other married men that she had DONE in the past
    Knew that she would jump into bed very fast

    So, the Levitra prescription purchased and on hand
    Stupid husband wanted to play in the sand
    So away the two flew, to a beach far away
    Thinking “my family won’t mind if just go to play”

    Our children begged him not to go
    He told them to just “go with the flow”
    “It’s something I need, it’s something I want”
    Although Rugger knew that this was a taunt

    Husband had already given her the speech
    And Rugger desperately tried not to preach
    But after 28 years of loyalty, love and care
    Rugger just did not see how this was fair

    Due to her highly depressive state
    Rugger stayed in bed and started to hate
    Who was this other person that was “just a friend?”
    Due to her whoresness, the marriage could not mend

    So off to marriage counseling the Ruggers did go
    To try to “fix” this mid-life crisis woe
    The truth was not told in the sessions we had
    In fact Mrs. Rugger was said to be bad

    The counselor did see through the many lies told
    And told Mrs Rugger she needed to be bold
    To stand up to the weak, the lies and deceit
    Little did we know it would take much more than a week

    The bright and shiny new whore
    Was enough to make Rugger weep on the floor
    “Friends” is what the husband wanted to be
    To the wife that stood by him for all to see

    So the day finally came when enough was enough
    And Rugger took a stand and said enough with this stuff
    “I just can’t do this pain and hurt anymore”
    “I just deserve and want so much more”

    All it took was just one more lie
    One more night with the whore at his side
    To finally awaken Rugger’s self-worth, and help her decide
    To end this false reconciliation and have some pride

    The papers were filed, the husband was served
    And he really thought that Rugger had some nerve
    To question his feelings of “true love” for his wife
    “That he had devoted everything to her life”

    So, now we are here and the divorce is quite near
    I doubt if old hubby will shed one more tear
    For he once had said “til death do us part”
    I am sure he is ready for a new start

    And where does Rugger go from here?
    To that I cannot answer very clear
    She wants to be loved, to be held, to share
    But she wants a new love that will be fair

    Vajayjay is safely tucked into his bed
    At one time this made Rugger wish she were dead
    But those days are past, finally long gone
    And Rugger is ready to break into song

    It is way overdue for those sad days to end
    Finally Ruggers heart is starting to mend
    She is becoming a true person of whole
    And she is ready to be a woman with a warm and kind soul

    She wants a new love, new choice and new life
    At one time though she WAS a great wife
    When she feels alone in her thoughts and her hope
    She knows that God will provide and help her to cope

    If she never finds one that is honest and true
    She knows that life is good and shouldn’t feel blue
    God walks beside her and good friends are near
    And all on this board have been very dear

    Good luck and best wishes to all of us here
    The time to truly find ourselves is very near
    It has been a rough road, one we shouldn’t have to bear
    But keep dreaming the dreams that life can be fair

  218. The receipts from the Zale’s jewelry store
    Were so exciting and hard to ignore.
    Maybe a gift for me
    For our anniversary?
    No way, only gifts for the whore.

  219. G.I. Joe/MMA, not
    Then he fell on another girl’s twat
    I ran for the door
    Never touching the floor
    Now your dick I have heard has “The Rot”

  220. Little Miss Stripper
    Sat on his zipper
    Eating up his words; she was his prey
    Along came the liar
    And sat down beside her
    And (ultimately) frightened Miss Stripper away!

  221. You’re old and you’re not any fun
    Too much attention to our daughter and son
    I must be the star
    Worship me near and afar
    Or off to a bar slut I’ll run.

  223. You did not appreciate my LOVE
    That’s really your LOSS
    I will THRIVE
    Not just SURVIVE
    Because that’s what us chumps are good at the MOST

  228. There once was a skank-whore from Texas
    Who gave blowjobs right there in her Lexus
    Sleazy bars she’d patrol
    Married men were her goal
    Her appeal will always perplex us.

  229. He said “The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you”
    The affair “mistake” he could not undo
    He pined for her in vain
    Assuming I had no pain
    Now he’s lost her and his family because we’re through

    • There once was an OW named Katherine
      A trusting chumps husband she wanted to win,
      He wrote, oh your brown sparkling eyes!
      And your so gorgeous thighs!
      The only woman he loved according to him.

      OW had her good reasons you see,
      To fall for his unoriginality,
      She said it was her vulnerability,
      And those lovebirds just couldn’t help it!
      They were SO meant to be.

      But poor chumpy was just so tearful and sad,
      And that self sacrificing hubby just couldn’t be bad,
      So OW got dumped,
      But chump was still chumped,
      And ever after was not lived too happily.

      …
      (But chump has found chump lady now!)

    • ““The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you”’

      WTF, man. If there’s anything I hate more than cheater-speak, it’s new-age cheater-speak. Blech!

  230. We thought our sad stories unique
    then read twenty-six in a week
    the pain and the shame
    are exactly the same
    if you’re English, American or Greek

    We chumps are growing stronger together
    you could say that we’re birds of a feather
    til we trust that they suck
    til we don’t give a fuck
    long live Chumplady forever

  231. There was an old tart known as Jackie
    whose antics were vile and tacky
    she came to my house
    he behaved like a louse
    now he spends all his time
    as her lackey

  232. My dear husband Steve went fishing in Belize
    Where he caught something special to give to me
    A shit load of crabs
    Crawling off his ass
    And a sexually transmitted disease

    • There was a cheater named Earl,
      He figured he could fuck any girl,
      He tried out Linda, Karen, and Diana,
      Then Paulette and Sharon’s vagina,
      Then he gave Judy and joanne a whirl

      Not quite satisfied,
      His pecker petrified,
      He fucked the girl upstairs,
      Screwed while on the job making repairs
      Must have felt unqualified

      He move to Cocoa Beach,
      And found more whores within reach,
      Instead of finding a job,
      He fucked slob after slob,
      Such a mindless leech

      Dating three at a time,
      Juggling so much slime,
      Std’s galore,
      He found a lucky whore,
      So needy and available on a dime

      Nancy was her name,
      By now he was at the end of his game
      He had no where to go,
      She was willing to blow,
      To him their all the same

      Perhaps he’ll stay awhile,
      Hope she’s fooled by the sadists smile
      As the promises he will make,
      Allowed me to escape,
      A life that was so vile

  233. He would leave during the day all alone
    To secretly bury his bone
    He diddled her daddle
    She fiddled his faddle
    Now neither of them have a home

  234. You cried and said “I despair!”
    And so hard you would work to repair
    But five short days in
    You stuck your dick in
    To another with long jet black hair!

  235. there once was a chump named Mary
    her marriage was really quite scary
    he lied and gaslighted
    but whenever they fighted
    he blamed her and called her contrary

    she knew he had cheated before
    she was too weak to show him the door
    so she danced the pick-me
    and just could not see
    that he truly belonged with his whore

    her friends tried to tell her in vain
    its true there’s no gain without pain
    she put up a fight
    tried to do what was right
    she came close to going insane

    now stronger than ever before
    she remembers that man as a bore
    she is soon to be single
    she is ready to mingle
    and sex is no longer a chore

    so to all fellow chumps everywhere
    just hang in there
    and do not despair
    if she wants him then let her
    it can only get better
    a great life awaits you out there

  236. The Chump that you know as Mehphista
    Was betrayed by a lass she called sistah
    I won’t call her Audrey
    Doesn’t make her less tawdry.
    But she gets to keep that dumb mistah.

  237. OK I’ll give it a go, it’s Valentines and I can’t resist.

    There once was a man who’s logic was rusted,

    he claimed no sin because she was “just a friend”,

    but feared his plan B could not be trusted,

    in their sex club he cried,

    “The morals here are subjective and busted!”

  238. He love’s me, he loves me not,
    He has a bloodless heart,
    Stay with him forever more,
    Equals! Of that I am sure
    Years of emptiness start!

  240. There once was a cheater named aka Mickey
    He thought he had a cool fancy hard dickey
    Poked it around while in fog
    With ow who looked like a hog
    She dumped him now he has erectile dysfuntion pretty slicky

  247. On Valentine’s Day I pray,
    With you she will stay,
    Sharing a meal so delicious,
    While looking at slutalicious,
    Giving her half the bill to pay!!

  248. Valentine’s Day Conversation Between Cheating Fucktards

    What they tell each other What they are really thinking

    Fucktwit 0: Daddy I love you so, Daddy, I can’t believe your here,
    Narc 0: Baby there’s something you should know, I’m stuck with her I fear!
    Fuckwit 0: You make my life complete, I know he won’t stay,
    Narc 0: Baby on you I will never cheat, How the fuck do I get away,
    Fuckwit0: You know I’m not really a ho Why is he looking at her rear

  250. There was once a cheater named Owen
    who liked to go to-ing and fro-ing
    never answered his phone
    when he went out alone
    lied about where he was going

    His mistress was called Jacqueline
    and inclined to be bossy and mean
    they say love is blind
    and they’re two of a kind
    but their future remains to be seen

    I have now had enough of the drama
    and the issues he had with his mamma
    there is no more to say
    so I’ll just walk away
    and leave their comeuppance to karma

      • GRRRR! the bullshit we endure with their damn phones! They go incommunicado with us but trip over themselves to respond to any whimper from their skanks! I was stewing about this last night…… <:-(

        • YES!! I’m sure doucheturd and his schmoopie had a laugh when I offered to buy him a new phone because his was going dead almost every day! Imagine!

  251. To every young slut he would spout,
    My marriage is unhappy no doubt,
    But to me you would scream, I have low self-esteem,
    Please don’t leave me, I so need your help…

  252. She found a secret soul mate
    Made me feel second-rate
    The truth she let trickle
    ‘Bout boinking his pickle
    Now I must show her the gate

  254. Who was that MASKED man,
    Married but no wedding band,
    At the bar, a dance and a kiss,
    Surely, a man a wife would miss,
    My phone number I slipped in his hand

    He explained with glee,
    My wife is here with me,
    But you should have no fears,
    I have been unhappy for two years,
    He looked inviting to me!!

    The affair was exciting,
    He seemed so inviting,
    His wife deserved this pain,
    From other women he cannot refrain

    Now when he away,
    I hope he wont stray,
    He couldn’t be that bad
    Much better than the other guys I’ve had
    With others he will always play

  255. There once was a man who liked Craigs List,
    Hoped to find some guys there for a tryst,
    Thought he was slick,
    Sent pics of his dick,
    Until wifey found out and was pissed.

    • Losers in love oh my!
      In each other’s arms will die,
      Cheated on each other oh no!
      STD’S from cheating we go!

      Happy valentines day my whore
      You know I’m looking for more
      You are just another fuck
      Listening to CUNTry really does suck
      You to me have become a chore

    • ouch ouch ouch!!!!! So sorry you had to live that. Those scars remain forever no matter how we try to cover them. ((big hug!))

  258. Please would you help me?
    You wanted them, you raise them.
    Do my job for me!

    Also

    This is all your fault!
    I wasn’t going to leave you!
    Sorry you found out. Or. She is just like you

  259. There once was a husband named Bill,
    who envisioned himself as a thrill.
    The whore’s field was astrology
    tarnishing his pathetic apology,
    which confirmed the affair as a kill.

  260. My husband whacked off to porn.
    Probably since the day he was born.
    His meat he would beat,
    Then the history he would delete,
    Then played me like a baritone horn.

    Our boss, Mary Kate was her name.
    He and she liked to play a game.
    They’d take a roll in the hay,
    ’twas nothing! He’d say,
    Then I’d be left holding the blame.

    So my cheater? He brought me a flower.
    He believes he has magical power.
    He can take that bouquet,
    to our whore-boss for her pay,
    Because his pension, I will soon devour.

    • Earl, with his crooked thin dick,
      Nancy, with assault records he would pick,
      Earl, deaf, dumb, and blind,
      Nancy, loud,ugly, with anyone will grind,
      Yup, I see why they click!

  261. She thought she won- you’re no prize!
    Just a turd in a shiny disguise.
    Cheating games you’ll play,
    I’m glad she “took you away”.
    I no longer have to deal with your lies!

  262. When dating, I ignored the red flags
    While not even considering he would be a distant dad.
    He slept within our “friend” zone
    Which explains the happy mood when he came home.
    I trusted enough not to keep tabs.

    Twenty years pass and a few STDs later
    I discovered I had married a hater
    of all who did not allow him to have his way.
    I had to listen to his verbal vomit and vile threats each day.
    My hubby is an A game baiter.

    A long affair of his was over
    leaving a baby born on MY birthday to discover.
    She decided to marry her boyfriend
    bringing the sexual relationship to an end.
    This would never do for hubby who decided he needed many other lovers.

    Single friends, money, hobbies, and prostitutes became the focus.
    I knew the joke was on us.
    For years he left us alone.
    The kids did not even think he still lived at home.
    We disappeared like hocus-pocus.

    Choosing to miss daughter’s HS graduation
    instead, giving her money and he wanted appreciation.
    He had not spoken to them in years anyway
    because his desires are more important which will keep them at bay.
    A shitty virtual slap in the face because I was teaching them from home and considered this an important celebration.

    Remaining stupidly in the shit thirty-three years while he cared more for a bong
    I decided we mattered, got a lawyer, packed our things and gave HIM a virtual so long.
    You and the kids deserve more than this my older brother said to me.
    Two months later he became and actual angel and left us a home to flee.
    Four months out and continuing therapy, we have a home where we finally belong.

    • Wanted! A smiling Valentine,
      He used to be mine,
      You might recognize him,
      He has a boyish cheating grin,
      Missing! He has no spine

      Found! One amazing good guy,
      Fuck me Fuck me she would cry,
      Wrap your arms around me Daddy,
      Sold! Together we will fly

      Lost! I settled for so much less,
      No more kibbles, what a mess!
      How do I get away now,
      Shit! Nancy is just a fuck me cow

      What? My wife won’t take me back,
      I must be losing my knack,
      My life wasn’t all that bad,
      I lost everything I had,
      Really! Nancy’s still smoking crack

  263. He posted vids of his chic,
    To grow a great big hard dick,
    He offered his bum,
    For black men to cum,
    And arranged a rape from Nick.

  265. Oh, Lord, its been a baaaaaaad day! The barometric pressure is killing me here. 🙁 And here is where pain takes my mind…

    So tired of watching the clock.
    Your excuses are such a crock!
    You wanted more fun?
    Fine! I’m over and done.
    Now that bitch can worship your cock!

    And this:

    Moodiness irks you?
    Hey dumb-ass, your new downgrade
    Has P.M.S. too!

    Incredible submissions, everyone! Wishing all a pleasant day/evening/night. xx

  266. These are dedicated to my support group of wonderful friends (c+j).

    “Fish Sore Whore”
    Claims to catch a fish.
    Instead goes on trip with whore
    Now has warts on dick

    “It’s in the Mail”
    Dumb ass in track suit
    FaceTime Father of the Year
    Don’t expect a card

    “Other Woman Can Deal with It”
    Brisk wind blow away
    Remaining hairs on his head
    Let her buy toupee

    “Negative Results”
    There once was a bald piece of shit
    Who cheated with a phoney, blonde twit.
    Now, I am happy to say,
    The divorce is one month away
    And no STDs did they transmit.

    “Not Keeping up with”
    There once was a man named Jones,
    Who smelled like he was stricken with Crohn’s.
    When he’d eat some beans,
    He’d shit in his jeans,
    Then go home and watch Game of Thrones.

  268. Pictures of her private parts on your phone,
    You are sick, perverted and all alone,
    All your acting couldn’t get you out of this one,
    Oh how I wish I could rip you a New One!!

  269. A husband who cheats is a louse
    Who doesn’t deserve a good spouse
    But he will soon learn
    Vows aren’t to be spurned
    When he loses his wife and his house

  270. There once was a man with a truck
    Who loved to have a strange fuck
    He cheated in our bed
    What’s wrong in his head
    I know trust how much that he sucks.

  271. An adulteress who visited China
    Said “Wow, there is nothing finer
    Thank a bonk in Hong Kong
    With a married man’s dong
    It’s a great way to use my vagina!”

    My SBTX told me he was going to visit his old school friend in China. I found out later that he had booked a hotel in Hong Kong to have a week long fuck fest with his pal’s sister (also married) with whom he had had a previous relationship many years ago. He is now after getting half of MY house in the divorce – a real greedy, lying cheating bas***d!

    • Tricia, that’s priceless! Hilarious! The story behind it, sadly, is a recurring theme here–several people have had cheaters involved in southeast Asia.

  272. He said long ago his feelings had soured
    But never had the balls to talk to me, What A Coward !
    16 years I loved him true
    Now 6 mos. later life is starting anew.
    I didn’t think I would ever feel so empowered.

  273. You use so much hairspray
    To keep your comb over in place
    Your whole life’s a lie
    Down to your stupid hair dye
    Please get out of my face

  274. H-bombed our marriage
    Rose colored glasses removed
    I trust that you suck

    MIA as spouse
    AWOL parental duties
    Loose cheater gain life

    Love bombs new schmoopie
    H-bombs family and marriage
    Phoenix from ashes

  275. There once was a husband named Fred,
    Who fucked his smoop in our bed,
    He said he felt bad,
    For making me sad.
    So, I gave his brother head.

    (Just kidding.)

  276. I’ll send a heart to his shmoop.
    I’m staying in the loop.
    he’ll think that it’s pick me,
    but, really it’ stinky,
    since I made the chocolate from poop. .

  277. found a whore he wanted to bone
    asked family to purchase cologne
    obsessed with his teeth
    and cleaning his sheath
    finally his two timing was blown

  279. I’m told you’ll want me back,
    Nooooo, to many qualities you lack,
    Your picker is set on pig,
    Your penis was never big,
    Your futures not dark, it’s black.

  280. I’m not sure if this follows the haiku or limerick guidelines, but here goes:

    Thank you for cheating on me with that skank.
    I’m sure her pussy was quite old and dank.
    I wish we could go back,
    To an earlier day,
    Where I was your only lay.

  281. A professor viewed monogamy with dread
    He fancied a pretty coed
    She was studying ethics
    Her pronouncements left him breathless
    As they copulated on her single twin bed.

  282. An Englishman, handsome and haughty,
    Preferred his mistresses bawdy,
    “I am from Oxford,
    But just say the word,
    And we’ll engage in acts deliciously naughty!”

  283. Haikus:

    Trust, commitment, love.
    What? Cheating, lies, gaslighting?
    No Contact. Goodbye.

    * * *

    Abandoned… hurting…
    “Where are the mem’ries” you ask?
    Over there, in the fire…

    * * *

    You’re full of yourself;
    White elephant in the room.
    There’s no room for me.

    * * *

    Your Valentine’s gift?!
    A bare cupboard; no more cake,
    Ran out of kibbles.

    * * *

    My Valentine’s wish
    for you, a smaller ego;
    You love you too much.

    * * *

  284. A man was inspired to be generous,
    His contributions were mainly lecherous,
    “Since I am well-endowed,
    I can satisfy a crowd!”
    But his wife viewed his largesse as treacherous.

  285. My beau seemed to be such a jewel,
    yet turned out to be quite a fool.
    Bless his small heart,
    his upstanding part
    turned our to be only his tool!

  286. It’s all your fault, he said
    You won’t do anal in bed
    She shaves her twat bare
    Cause I don’t like the hair
    And no condoms, ’cause what’s there to dread?

  287. Cheater found out he’s likely got cancer.
    His Schmoopie had only one answer.
    “Don’t care there are rumours
    that you’ve got some tumours.
    Now bend down and unzip your pants, sir.”

  288. A cheater named Rattus bastardicus
    Counts conquests on his little abacus.
    His stock pick-up line,
    Which works every time,
    Is “Come here, my Schmoops, and give us a kiss.”

  289. In memory of Anthony Weiner:

    A congressman extraordinaire
    Took dick pics in his underwear
    “Breitbart’s a gnat;
    Wish I’d used snapchat!
    Now my job I will have to forswear!”

  290. A neuroscientist liked to hob-nob
    While discussing the mind-body prob,
    “There’s the question of qualia—
    What it feels like for ya—
    I’ll have data if you give me a blow job.”

  291. A man with tendencies sadistic
    Left home feeling quite optimistic
    A victim could be found
    And orgasms abound,
    So his evening would be hedonistic.

    (sorry for the copious entries–I am having a great time with this!)

  292. He promised divorce would be easy,
    If I didn’t tell friends he was sleazy.
    Though I did chafe,
    His secret was safe,
    Now, our mutual friends make me queasy.

  293. There was once was a cheater named ‘Smeary’
    whose great love for herself got me weary
    For attention she’d seek
    Every day of the week;
    Now I know it’s pure narcissism, really.

  294. He had phonesex with minors when able,
    And cybered at our dining table.
    His girl–I don’t scorn her,
    I just want to warn her!
    A guy like that needs a label.

  296. breaking the rules, here. Just a little prose poetry.

    Peas under the mattress, or cracker crumbs,
    While annoying, would have been preferable to cum stains on the sheets,
    you asked me to wash the night before, you brought your whore here to roost.
    If I’d known she was coming, I’d have baked a cake.
    For you.

    • My ex would scurry to wash the sheets every Friday night when I got home. The house sparkled. Should have known. She left period stains on my sheets gross