It’s February and you know what that means, chumps? It’s time again for our annual Chump Lady Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest!
During this season of love, roses, and cut-rate chocolates, it’s important to remember the less fortunate — those poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.
So send me a poem! I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get a signed book and a cartoon drawn of their poem. I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
To inspire you, here are last year’s winners with cartoons:
He thought he perfected his tricks
But cell tracking exposed him real quick
His 2 am fuck
Means he’s all out of luck
I’m done GPS-ing his dick
Not to be outdone, beendonengone gave the contest some Southern grit with a twist of karma.
Ya done went an found ya another,
Cos yer home life started to smother.
Now its yer turn to crawl,
Call Jerry Springer, y’all!
Cos I hear she’s been fuckin’ yer brother!
I will leave this post up until Tuesday but you can enter submissions until February 12. (I need some time to draw, folks.) After Tuesday, I will put a Valentine’s Day link up on the navbar, so you can keep checking in.
Chumps, I know you’ve got some bad Valentines in you. Bring IT!
Also! I am considering compiling these into a self-published book with color cartoons (all proceeds would go to the blog operating costs). So don’t submit if you don’t want to perhaps see this published some day! What better way to immortalize your cheater? (Other than with a divorce summons…)
Good… My settlement is signed sealed and deliverd.
I also finally signed agreement with my wasband to after 6 hours of mediation, I got all that I wanted, divorce to become final on feb 20 or sooner …. So glad I made this choice and thanks to this site and all advise from family and friends I’m finally on the road to meh !!! Leave a cheater gain a life !!
Cheater, cheater…weasel creeper…
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her…
Put her through a living hell…
But now she’s living very well!
In rehab you met Diana, your 1st whore,
Funny you went there for “Help” and got kicked out the DOOR!
Facebook was your stalking ground for girlfriend #2.
You connected with Jessica – thinking I had no clue.
Third times a charm…
Massage by Heather got you kicked out for FOREVER!!!
Protective order and all, Crazy Angela still wants you.
Some roses are red but your cheating balls are not BLUE!!!
— note: names of whores, sluts, and the guilty have not been changed. They all slept will my EX and he’s their problem now!!!! – Happy V-Day to all the FREE and MUCH better off! XOXOXO
There once was a husband called Trevor,
Who thought himself terribly clever.
I discovered his todger
Impaled in the lodger.
Clever Trevor is now gone, forever!
This is brilliant.
I could have written this! That is my ex’s name! Haha!
The Valentine’s gift my ex gave to me
I never, ever got a gift before.
That is until the dickhead screwed his whore
Him paying me out has made the F*Wit poor.
Now that’s funny!
There once was a man named Steve
A germaphobe to the nth degree
He stuck his dick in a hooker
Every time he could book her
Could someone explain that please?
Love that Bev!!
Bev gets my vote!
Lol! Simple and brilliant Bev!
Hooker and booker, nice rhyme scheme. 🙂
Bea….what is it with the germaphobes? Mine was too, with his purple latex wearing gloves and all, yet his fuck of choice has been young strippers…..
Did they miss that part of biology… where you wash your hands whenever you come near that part of the body… or are they so up to date… they just want to sample the human micro biome. What is it with these guys.
Oooooo, I love that one, bev!
There once was an adulteress named Stephanie
To justify her cheating she had an epiphany
If I pick a fight with my spouse
And he spends the night out of our house
The same night when I fuck someone else
After getting high and inebriated
I’ll just say we were “separated”.
Wow. I thought only my resident cheater did that! When he later admitted, ‘Well, when you said you couldn’t live with me if I kept going on date sites, I decided we were separated and I didn’t have to answer to you any more’, I was dumbfounded. Funny how he didn’t have the stones to say that at the time so I could make an informed decision, or decide he should move out of the house to commemorate his new status.
Mystery? Nope. Light shows,
This is nice.
After fifteen years
Twins by IVF. They’re here!
Hey, where did you go?
Ugh…so familiar a story… and nicely done!
Familiar indeed! Only difference is my 24 years.
Thought fame was calling
Left me to dance as yeti
Now you are homeless
Ok I am digging this… I might just submit several… 🙂
Oh Em was a woman so sweet
From enlarged liver to feet
A Rainbow girl, all smiles and pearls
My X thought she was so neat
An old fashion girl, it’s true
With the office men she did screw
My X was the knight, with dick oh so bright
On her broom to the future they flew
The first wife, you know, well that’s me
Was supposed to cry in her tea
Well her life turned out fine, Her friends are divine
With her children happy to see.
Em, what will the future hol’?
With disordered abusive asshole
Order that wine and drink, you are fine
Because that dick shrinks when it’s old… or cold, or crabby or tired or feeling mean or whatever…
“Because that dick shrinks when it’s old… or cold, or crabby or tired or feeling mean or whatever…!”
ringinonmyownbell, there is a God after all. Poetic Justice I say. 🙂
Love it Ringinmyownbell! I am not very poetic so I love to read all of these!
So I married a liar
Who likes to breathe fire
He fucked in a tent
Now she pays his rent
Since he can never stay hired
He’s into BDSM
Schmoopsie has to obey him
Made her buy him a truck
Her finances he’ll fuck
Getting away, chances are slim
He says he’s a polygamist
Be grateful you made the list
Oh, how he sparkles!
You’re nothing to him but narckles
1 wife, 20 girlfriends, that’s the gist
Said our marriage was open
Told all who would listen
You believed the schmuck
Him you did fuck
He’s gone and you’re living in a basement
Love, love, love these, freeatlast!
I thought we were love struck
The whole marriage through
But it was just an illusion and the illusion was you.
Wow! I had forgotten this. I do believe I got busy helping to care for my sister, who was very ill, (now terminal & in her last months…weeks?) I was mainly lurking then. I went & looked at other entries & am truly humbled to have had mine selected, as there were so many worthy submissions. There is a heap of imagination, expression & skill to be had in this mighty group. Extraordinary!!! 🙂
Belated congratulations! It was an awesome poem! And I got to draw Jerry Springer. 🙂
It’s not too late to claim your prize — email me! info at chump lady.com
I’m happy you had the opportunity & you did a GREAT job! I thank you & will email with my particulars. 🙂 Thank you also for the opportunity to get it off my (our) chests. Ding so is so cathartic and empowering! <3
Chump Lady, it takes real talent to get a likeness right. Totally knew it was JS
And my limerick…
Craigslist scammers, gold-diggers, and whores
Who are looking for pervy old bores
Call my Ex.-he wants to meet ya’
He’ll get you an fiance visa
In exchange for some blow-jobs and chores
I wish we could edit these. Oops…”a fiance”, not “an fiance.”
I worked so hard to be a great spouse
But my partner was really a louse
When I meet others in tears
I say “Chump, have no fears,”
I’ve been there, done that, got the house.
I got the house too! Rock ON!!
If it weren’t for
Her poor choice and low standards
I wouldn’t be free.
Two enthusiastic thumbs up!!
Love this one StuntChump! Embodies the message of this blog!
I was married to a man child named Shawn
who never lifted a finger, and never mowed the lawn
But he was nice, or so I thought
Because we rarely ever fought.
But then he started to act strange
He dressed nicer and put gel in his hair
And it was not long when I found out he was having an emotional affair
Emotional or physical, I’ll never really know
But it was enough for me to go
and say “Oh hell to the fuck NO.”
Oooooh, I hear you LC!
I loved once, a man named Peter
I was Pumpkin, he was “Pumpkin Eater”
Before me, bed notches were at fifty
In the sack, thought he was quite nifty
and entitled. And now, known as “cheater”
(Never actually told him that before him, I’d had better… should I?)
Her body he wanted to fuck
Poor sausage, his wife was schmuck
But the joke is on you, his issues were FOO
Now you know, what we know… He SUCKS
Thanks for the grin!!!!! Love this one!
Must get this out of my system….
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You really suck,
She said, “You’re not the boss of me!”
And was as arrogant as arrogant can be
Found the other man by looking at the cell
Remember her eventually saying other bar trash as well
And now I divorced from her happy and free!
She thought she could help others rebuild trust.
As a “Christian” marriage counselor that is a must.
At least one affair partner on the side
Trust shattered as she lied.
And continues to angrily deny her marriage she did bust.
One day my husband announced I was old
Suddenly he treated me cruelly and cold
I felt quite bereft
And as soon as he left
I paid my son’s tuition from his car that I sold
One day my husband the strumpet did rob
When he was gone I started to sob
Now he is annoyed
He remains unemployed
Forever after he has not found a job
My husband I could no longer please
For there was nothing one could do to appease
He constantly lied
But he could no longer hide
When he came home with an infectious disease
There once was a man from NJ
Who always HAD to have the last say
He thought he had me down
So he could EA his way to town
But Mommy had HER last say, today!
Sad letters you thought would repair
The damage you did without care
I read them each once
They prove you’re a dunce
Now I’m living a life that is clear
It seems you can cheat
On an open marriage, too.
Husband’s new love did.
I am sorry I have to be blunt
XW fucked a nasty old runt
I think it was oozing
and there was some bruising
certainly did a number on her front
Their love is so great it was fated
They had cheating in common he stated.
Should I feel bereft
Now that he’s left?
Because all I am feeling’s elated.
Should I stop? Clearly I can do this all day.
Me too… I.HAVE.TO.DO.CHORES.and TAXES
My X is not over me, although I am happy and free
My kids will soon see, his bashful, sweet other
Looks just like their mother
Bring popcorn! this creep show is free.
“Bring popcorn! this creep show is free.” You guys are awesome!
Literally laughed out loud from that, ringmyownbell…so perfect!
No, Stuntchump, don’t stop, you are really good at this–as is everyone else! Will you ghost write (stuntwrite??) write one for me>>>>LOL.
Oh! I just wrote two lines in my head using the names of two of his strumpets…..
Submit as many as you like! 🙂
Drat… I will get no work done at all…:) Next I think we should come up with lyrics for popular songs. LIke I’ve been working on the railroad…
No stuntchump, share away! I’m loving it!
His affairs weren’t the issue, you see
the problem was actually me
I didn’t know I should be happy about him dating another
I didn’t know I was supposed to be his mother
And now that I do, I am free
I wrote a similar poem a few weeks back. I’ll take another stab at it.
One two, why OW not happy no more?
Don’t like the final score. Should’ve thought about that on the hotel floor.
Three, four, is you a hermaphrodite or whore?
A mouth like a sailor, behavior to match, oh me oh my, what a wonderful catch!
Five, six, divorce is done, you got your fat boy, ain’t this fun!
Why threaten his X? The deed is done, my lawyer’s the champ and his was a bum!
Seven, eight, oh wait, don’t hate,
He’s broke as hell, not like, oh well!
Nine, ten, XWife in the den. Counting up all the hundreds, fifties and tens!
There once was a twat called Paul
Who thought he could have it all
She said ‘ we don’t need contraception’
He caught an infection
Their baby is due in the fall
Love it, 4 of 5 lines match my ex!
Schmoopie had a hysterectomy a little over a year ago. STBX informed me of this fact before I announced that I knew he was having an affair and we were getting divorced. I’d been afraid that she’d get pregnant–she only just turned 40 the summer before–so imagine my relief when I heard the news!
One of the best things my ex ever did was have a vasectomy after we were done having children. At least my children have me; a child that those two cheaters created and raised together wouldn’t stand a chance. Whatever damage they’re inflicting on her two children is bad enough.
Mine did too but it wouldn’t have mattered cuz the OW apparently couldn’t have children. Sometimes natural selection really does work!
Before I had my three, he wanted to go to the knackers (the local animal castrator) and I wanted him to go too. It wasn’t only that I didn’t want more children, I wanted to be sure that whatever resources that man might produce in his life would go to MY children… not some poor little OW child.
I’m smart, loving, kind
I wasted decades with you
to find you are not
sad but true.
You and she both your marriages did rend
With no efforts at making amends
You left me & the dogs
Like a couple old logs,
Can’t believe you thought we’d still be friends.
Congrats to you and your love, Schmoopie,
But pursuing “true love” ‘s made you loopy.
So much younger than you,
When you’re old, sad, and blue,
You think she’ll stay home & clean up your poopy?
NWB—bwaaaaaahaaaa! Good one!
My lover bear had lots of money
Found out he was playing with Bunny
What! More than two of us?
I said no more uterus
So now he is paying for honey ; )
Someday he’ll sing, “Oh Schmoooooop-ie, don’t take your love to town”
Mua hahaha, NWB!!!!
You swapped pics that were wrong
Your tits, his schlong
Our marriage you defiled
Then acted like a child
So I say to you, “So long”!
ha ha ha
I’m breaking the rules…because I’m not a good poet……CL I bought your book and extra copies….so here it goes
She done hug a tree…cause that was in style
Now….she hug a gun, cause she living in Dallas….in a cowboy palace
Our son is in rehab…she wear a t-shirt for the boyzz
It look good on her fakebook…she all about the shizzel
She eat the kosher bacon…and use a straightener for her frizzle
Her new Hub….Humpty Dumpty Amo dude and a Potato Dinner
Cause dey is Americannnn…and dey live in da best land
Holler…holler…..and a square dance
If your son is lost….he just gotta learn how to dance
Your ten Commandments
session must have been different,
Sunday School Leader.
Ooh, we could have a whole subcategory of Jesus Cheater Valentines. 🙂
My ex was a serial chatter
Whose online stunts made me madder.
When confronted, the cad
Said, “What I did was bad,
But how you REACTED was badder!”
Oh yeah, the problem is never what they did, it’s how you reacted!
Once there was a guy named John,
Who thought he was a real Don Jaun.
His hands and dick wandered,
His wife’s love he squandered.
Lost his job cause he was calling women,
In lies he was swimming.
He got on his knees,
Begged his wife “pretty please!”
Then clever Don Juan told her a fiction,
It wasn’t his fault (it was an addiction!).
So Don Juan went on the DL,
But his wife knew him too well.
His kids disowned him,
The girlfriend won’t bone him.
His fearless wife got a divorce,
She’s betting on her own course.
Now all he does is cry and moan,
To get laid he’d have to take out a loan.
Playing fast & loose with the verse rules…sorry, FOO issues ( 😉 )
For 25 years we were married, I thought
Until 20 years in—you decided: Not.
Neglecting to tell me
You went hunting for fresh prey.
I divorced you on my terms:
Now you’re just another pathetic greying middle-aged man
Whose offspring want nothing to do with you.
Okay, here are a few. Thank you for this experience. You truly help pull me out of myself, every time I fall into the sad, self pity routine. CL you offer truth….. they simply do just SUCK!
City Slut Business Woman what did you do
With my husband 22 years older than you?
He left me so cold. Boo hoo he was feeling so old
Now the bastard can mind-fuck with you.
Mind Fuckery Asshole Man
Cheers He is all yours
You are like I was
30 years ago, justice
He will drain your soul
Don’t you know the code
Married men aren’t on the field
Spread and ready girl
Oh No you didn’t
Silly slutty whore work wench
Suit can’t hide the stench
His blue eyes and cruel lies are now yours to cherish
You win his floaters in your toilet
His grey hair and limp dick will make your romance perish
You didn’t think before you shared your sink
with an adult sized problem child
He is all yours, you special girl,
lucky lover of a man who can’t function, envision, provide well or think
Stealing is a sin
Sparkly long legged ho
Rot in your winnings
Little Jack Horny, sitting on the corny, pondering what he’s become.
XW all gone. What’s that? Where’s my fun? Uh oh, crazy HO has come undone!
What is she saying? In the background a brayin,
Should be happy as a clam, just sayin.
“You got your money”! she shouted.
Damn straight honey, Magical Momma retorted.
Karma bus has arrived, it’s running on empty.
No money for gas, Dear lord, such a pity.
As my lawyers victoriously walked out the door, poor Jack started feeling like a big fat boar.
Please tell me exactly what you did this for? That’s right, I forgot.
Peace, joy and love to you and your whore!
My husband he did constantly tell
All the young women that his wife from hell
“Poor baby” they said
then they lept into bed
and planned what to do with her things they could sell
Here’s my limerick…maybe there’s another one in me, maybe not–because there’s so much I want to say! lol
His weenis, ED and PE
meant decades of “chaste” for me
His geezer gut, horrendous
His ego, stupendous
LTA with a hooker, you see
How typical of a cheater to blame everything on their loyal spouse!
Our baby wasn’t yet one
You wanted to have some fun
Found an Internet whore
Who was seeing four more
My, how I should have run
Viking for Mashley
All his buddies called him, “Thor”
When he kicked down a door
And showed Mashley his hammer,
This still makes me stammer,
“I won’t touch that any more. ”
He wanted a stay at home wife,
And took a decade of my life,
Turns out I was just a prop,
With Mashley at home in his shop;
His hammer is no sword, it is a 3″ knife.
Now this “Thor” and Mashley are wed,
They took the house and bed,
Home Wrecker your timer is set…
And soon Mashley, you won’t forget,
Mask off; you got Loki instead!
I love love love the last line in this!!!! rotflmbao “Mask off; you got Loki instead!” HILARITY ensures!!!!! Thank you!
AWESOME Mountain Lily!!!!
I gave you my love
You took it and left me with
Children and herpes
Asswipe of 38 years
thought he brought me to tears
Little did he know
The favor he bestowed
when fucking around
and acting so proud
That his lies oh so great
Just lost him his mate
I once was married to a prick
All he thought of was his dick
He slept with a slut
Who smelled like butt
And watching karma hit them gives me a kick!
There was an accountant named Rick
Who found a new hole for his dick:
He called my wife “honey”
And used up her money,
Then beat a retreat — pretty slick!
Drinking and staying out nights
Led to car wrecks and gambling and fights
Your whores left me cold
– your dick isn’t gold
So fuck off – I’ve seen the lights!
There once was a man-boy from New York
Who came a road with a fork
He forgot his role
When he came to a hole
Then mistook his dick for a cork.
I had to go out selling girl scout cookies with my daughter, but I’m back.
Thin mints improve concentration, I hear.
They make everything better.
If a man texts more
Than four thousand times a month
Cheater he may be
I hear that one!
“Take those god-damned kids
and get them out of my life.”
How’s that working out?
These are awesome! And it’s ONLY SUNDAY! How am I ever going to choose? But keep ’em coming! Clearly, you’ve all been suppressing your tortured, snarky poet sides, and now you can vent. 🙂
Okay, so here’s a non-standard non-entry. Neither haiku nor limerick, and far too long. Offered up as a share in the spirit of the day:
My Picker is Broken: A Love Song
The day they were passing out mothers
I was hiding behind the door,
Slicked up in my best bib-and-tucker,
Shootin’ steelies on Heaven’s floor.
By the time I had gathered my marbles,
All others had left the game.
I looked around for a mother
And from out of nowhere she came.
Her limbs were made of barbed wire,
Twisted steel and brass,
And dangling inside her bosom beat
A heart from the breast of an asp.
She screamed, “You’re late! You’re dirty!”
With her lip curled up in scorn.
Her eyes were bitter, her lips no better
And she dragged me off to be born.
Ah, my picker is sicker than some people’s pickers
But not as sick as some.
It seems the others were taken,
The soft, the serene and kind,
The playful, the happy, the hopeful,
The motherly mothering kind.
The one that was left out of leftovers,
Was the only mother they had.
So I shrugged my shoulders and went along
Thinking, “It can’t be that bad.”
Turns out that was optimistic,
And things went from bad to worse,
Yes, I picked the barbed wire monkey mom
From all moms in the universe.
My picker is sicker than some people’s pickers
But not as sick as some.
As soon as I could skedaddle
I slipped right out her door.
I moseyed down along the road
Thinking there might be more.
More to this thing called love,
More to this thing called life,
More than a home of chaos and conflict
And threats and fear and strife.
Turns out that was optimistic,
But this time correctly so.
As I moved along the road of life
I found people who seemed to know
The secret of being happy,
That touches that kept life warm,
And I studied the other mothers I saw
And watched as they did no harm.
I thought, “I’ve got this covered.
I can be a mother like these
I reject the Gospel of Barbed Wire,”
And I pledged to kiss skinned knees,
To tuck my children into bed
With a laugh and a story and song.
But turned out that from out of that theory,
I got a few details wrong.
Ah, my picker is sicker than some people’s pickers
But not as sick as some.
Turns out that when I slipped out the door
And moseyed on down the road
Along with my favorite steelies,
A rock, a flower, a toad,
A shiny button, a Band-Aid,
A pencil, some paper and glue,
I also packed my picker,
An act I later would rue.
It turned out my picker was broken,
Although I thought it was fine.
It looked quite grand on the outside
With dials and pointers and lines
And it ticked as loud as any
And the buzzer went off on cue.
But the picker was set for Barbed Wire Love
And hearts as tough as a shoe.
Ah, my picker is sicker than some people’s pickers
But not as sick as some.
Well, I’ve taken it in for adjustments.
I’m trying to get it fixed.
It’s led me astray in my picking
But I’m hoping to learn from this.
I’m hoping my children do better.
I’m hoping it’s not too late.
I’m hoping I learn to listen to
The friends that are screaming, “Wait!
Don’t pick that up. Don’t touch that.
You’re taking an awful chance.
That didn’t work out so well in the past when
You did the Pick-Me Dance.”
It turns out that others have pickers, too,
And some of them picked me.
And I’m learning the meaning of friendship,
And I’m learning that I can be free.
And freedom has its chills and fears,
and happy comes with a price.
But I’ve paid that price already,
And I think I’m ready for Nice.
I’m ready to be my own good friend,
I’m ready to pick Alone
Over being with someone my picker picked out
When calibrated to Barbed Wire Love
And hearts as hard as stone.
I like, “You’re late. You’re dirty.” ♥ Life is so hard. You must be very tough. Three cheers to us late, dirty and determined kids!
This has got to absolutely be in ChumpLady’s new book!
So glad you have overcome such harshness and hatred!
Wow! to all the poets & talented creative writers here at Chump Nation!
Love the entries!
ForgeOn, Enough….ForgeOn, all y’all…..
Enough already, I feel for you. Our mothers were the same. We have the dubious honor of being in a sisterhood of emotionally abused children. My therapist helped me see that I kept choosing the love I think I deserve rather than a healthy mutually respectful love. We both deserved better. Here’s to a brighter future! Hugs!!
I haven’t been able to cry in months, and your song brought my tears out. Thank you.
Crowing on facebook she’d won
Her “boyfriend’s” marriage was done
She was hoping for “likes”
Decent people said “Yikes,
Self respect…she clearly has none!”
I love this one! Why is it these sub humans believe they have “won” something??? And then they want everyone to know they are substandard and immoral! WOW, just WOW!
ooh i like this one
Mistress did the same thing. Good luck with that “winner”.
A musician, in a band and on tour
Went down south and got himself a whore
Left his kids here at home
His faithful wife all alone…
That fucker ain’t my husband no more
Oh Meh….. How I long to reach there!
No-contact is helping me get where
My life is so carefree
My days pass serenely
I’m no longer living a nightmare
At work they called him Superman,
He fucked coworker because he can.
The frequent work trips
Where he fell on her lips,
Made the wife not his biggest fan.
“We are not the same people,” he said.
“I believe my love for you is dead.”
“Friends would be best…
No, I don’t jest
Because I have a new whore in my bed.”
Gas lighting, morally corrupt cranium
Shacks up with second hand Romanian
“She brings out the gypsy in me
but you can be my Plan B”
No thanks NPD because now I’m a free Pennsylvanian
LOL, I like it! Free Pennsylvanian!
You and I as friends?
You have found the limits of
He plowed my driveway
Now he can go plow the one
He is cheating with
Two hundred he fucked before me
Two decades he got it for free
But now he wants more
Married life is a bore
His hookers will fuck for a fee!
I will cheat on you
But will never cheat on her
I’m certain, he said.
Thinks she’s so special,
But his dick is never picky,
Just another whore
I’ve got a couple…one a limerick and the other just a little poem…..
I’ve a right to be happy he cried,
As he cheated, gaslighted and lied,
His wife and kids left,
Leaving him all bereft,
Stating, You should all be on MY side.
Ha Ha …I Won….
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I got my life back ,
She/He got YOU!
New-Age Norton was drifting at sea
Riding waves of doubt and misery.
So he stuck his rudder
In some mermaid’s udder
Now the sea-cow’s his soulmate Schmoopie.
Karma Express, Hahaha! LIKE! I can definitely see this! Chumps, snark extraordinaire!
He told me he’d be late at work
I believed him, as always, that jerk!
My normal life shattered
To him didn’t matter
Now he gets to see OW twerk
There once was a cheater named Vince
His pompousness might make you wince
He thought he knew it all
Till I made him fall
His cell phone revealed – what a Prince!
Ok, a serious one (haiku):
I loved you, you ass.
Your double life was wrong.
Now I’m free at last.
There once was a very spoiled slut
who’s hubby wasn’t making the cut
onto Ashley Madison she signed
got lovebombed, wined, and dined
to end up back in the very same rut.
There once were two cheaters who knew
that their love depended on his “ex-shrew”
they kept setting the bait
hoping to triangulate
but she’s total NC and they’re screwed.
Hee hee! I forgot how much fun these are! 🙂
there once was a guy named Chuck
who gave it all up for a fuck
his kids, still divine,
his beautiful wife got a life,
so sad, but Cheaters they Suck!
There once was a Slunt with skunk-striped hair,
My husband she did try to ensnare,
She was happy to spread her legs,
Didn’t care if she was settling for the dregs,
Didn’t know she was dealing with an awesome mama bear.
OMG! That image of skunk-striped hair! You go, mama bear!
“Do you think that you are important to me?
Hah, wifey, you’re merely a low number three
Of my priorities, maybe you’re four,
Whatever. I need to be out the door…
Baby Momma is waiting, you see.”
Hey, my ex made a list of his priorities. Work, Racquetball, and on and on till very last…ME! Oh, He forgot to list his dick first! Lol
Yes, when my husband gave me the list, I was floored. No words. Became suicidal
GP, remember you don’t OWN his fucked up choices. And it is…hard. Please be kind to yourself. Get help when you need it. And realize you loved with your “whole Chumpy naive heart.” Like most of us. A Divorce Care group helped me (saw both sexes reacting to infidelity…) as did all my friends (who, I am sure, were sick of me trying to figure it all out, what CL calls ” untangling the skein…” But they still dragged me along on girl travel days. So hang in there. I was with my ex for twenty eight years and his betrayal was mind blowing. It has been five years and I am just beginning to carve out a better future. Baby steps, GP.
Thank you so much Drew! I am hanging in there. That particular event was 7 years ago, but still brings me to tears, not suicide now. I’ve since turned my singular experience into a mission to expose psychopathy in government where it is doing the greatest harm. (If anyone is interested – http://petition.NoPsycho.Org )
There once was a married professor
Who never missed an opportunity to lecture
He knew more than all
Before his grand fall
From the Ivory Tower to his lying ass on her.
It’s my money, my spare time, my life,
My smart kids, my stay-at-home wife.
If I want a hooker
I’ll just go and book her
So back off and don’t give me strife!
Mighty, mighty, mighty me!
Tracy said ‘You can be free’
I’m not his wife
I gained a life.
I’m strong and my kids can see!
These are seriously good.
And a few haikus
He gives me herpes
“Why can’t you get over it?
I said I’m sorry”
I give and you take
Chump and her cheater
A surge of despair
Blossoms into a true life
Recedes leaving Meh
I am really enjoying these!
it was all about YOU and not ‘us’
so you fucked her and said, ‘what’s the fuss?’
you can have your cheap whore
i don’t want you no more
but watch out for the big karma bus.
This would be a great card to my ex! Lol
You told me that one of them stalked you
Turns out that the “stalking” took two
Five year-old found on the phone
Texts when you weren’t at home
Showed that’s not all the lying you do.
How in the hell does
your ten-year sweet honeymoon
end by explosion
dear miss katie drop-
your-knickers, you can kiss my
fat, middle-aged ass.
I cry every single goddamn day.
The pains don’t leave, they only stay
The secrets and lies that I’ve endured
Will never be forgiven nor cured
Since, for his crimes, he’ll never pay.
chances for Plan B:
limit x —> ∞
That’s like, really small. Like his brain. And his heart. And his soul.
Self help book title haiku:
“How to Make People
Admire You Even Though You’re
a Self-Centered Schmuck”
You are a removable discontinuity
I am free to delete you for perpetuity
limit x —> 1/a (limit as x goes to 1 over A)
is rewritten today
to discard the 0 ambiguity
Bwahahahaha! I’m seriously dying with laughter at all these submissions! These are great!
I’m not the poetry type so I’ll sit this one out – but just want you guys to know these are all awesome.
The bastard who shattered my soul
Deserves crippling blows and crushed whole.
See how the lies never end?
He wasn’t ever my friend,
And our marriage; contrived rigmarole.
Soul, whole, rigamarole. Nice!
You were the King here
Now she’s got you by the balls
Hope you like your future.
oops one extra syllable on the last line… changing it to “hope you like your life.”
Ode to OW’s Playbook
Remember when your wife and daughters were devastated on DDay?
I texted you, “once they see our love, everything will be okay!”
Well it’s three years later and we are still going strong!
Not even our STD or their PTSD can convince us we’re wrong!
Told you only I can make you happy and I wasn’t just a great lay!
I want your pudding
Oh damn you auto-correct!
I bang big poodles
I tortured myself for a while,
With how he could treat me and smile.
Would he change for her?
Be like days that once were?
Doesn’t matter, cuz to me he’s vile.
There once was a woman life lumped
She learned bit by bit she’d been chumped
She came out of her fog
And created a blog
And now many more cheaters are dumped.
Love it! Thanks! 🙂
This deserves an award. Definitely the perfect poem to start chumpladys next book
How clever Stuntchump !!! Your appreciation for CL rings loud and clear !!!
He could not stand me because I was so lousy, lazy and fat. You know everyone wants a pretty wife.
He said I was controlling, and if he would have wanted to be controlled he could have just married his mother.
There were two lovers from the land of swoon
I was her Johnny and she was my June
While I sang, she banged a new queue
and to some Graham cracker become Emmy Lou
and with that I set forth and penned a new tune
I had no idea
The sociopath did not
live next door after all
I did not realise
Compared himself to Dexter
I didn’t know Hare’s list
I still can’t fathom
Dissappeared with th OW
Thank goodness he’s yours
I fixed my picker
I have a beautiful home
And I have a soul
Your life must be fab
You look real dirty nowadays
Is THAT your new mask?
Soft toy collection
I need to find them new homes
disperse the love bomb
The romantic baths
A week before you told me
Our marriage was fake
Love dodged a bullet
Cheating’s born of Narcissism
I TRUST that you suck
Veritas vos liberatum
Found a lawyer now I’ve got him
Alimony rest of life
Moved away no longer wife
Freedom at last from narcism
Veritas vos liberatum
Found a lawyer now I’ve got him
Alimony rest of life
Moved away no longer wife
You plumb dumb narcissist pond scum
He considered daily sex “a rut”.
Tried to get me to take it in the butt.
You want shit on your dick?
Well, then I’m not your chick.
Go ‘head and buttfuck that fat slut.
But make sure you don’t tell the sweet whore,
That this is Dday number four.
and that all the romancin’
is to keep me pick-me dancin’
while you violate her huge back door.
But we will need to scrub out our eyes after that cartoon :O
Yes, this would present quite the cartoon challenge. 🙂 Great submission though!
If there was a “vote” button I’d click on this one a few times. That’s amazing.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this Jbaby!!
To my miserly ex-husband Dave,
“Why not keep your fat whore in a cave?
Her face is disgusting
but she’ll only need dusting,
And think of the money you’ll save!”
This valentines day I said fuck it
Bought myself lingerie, flowers and a locket
I just need to be happy you see
I’m happy and the picture’s of me
Your empty shell requires someone else to manufacture it
The “to” in the last line needs to be edited out
My heart is singing like a bird in a tree
I feel like I’m floating in a tropical sea.
You were dragging me down
But now you’ve left town
I am free – see my smile? – I am free!
5 5 7 7 5
I enjoy my life
No lying or strife.
The lens I view my world in
improved with no gaslighting
since I’m not your wife
Abandoned our love
Took sushi mat and candles
But none of your stuff
Ah, it just happened…
Her gold ring that you purchased
while married to me
Kevin disappears lots of money,
Cos you see he spends it on honey,
Now he’s out of the house,
My bank account’s grouse,
And the future looks so much more sunny
Strawberry cocktail on bill
Wasn’t a work lunch
Kevin says he’s working late,
But he’s really going on a date,
Marriage vows do not count,
When a slut you want to mount,
A new future I will have to create
He really liked her in bed,
Though it was to me he was wed
He broke my heart,
Now must make a new start,
Hope an asteroid falls on their head
Can’t stay with you anymore
I need to be with this whore
When I’m old she will care
In bed she has flair
And she thinks I have money galore!
My marriage was series of jokes,
As my husband preferred to do blokes.
But despite his confession,
And divine intervention,
For valentines he seeks a new beard.
You caught me and that isn’t funny
But guess what you’re not my real honey
My economy will crash!
Our relationship’s trash
So please give me all of your money
Don’t leave me, I begged him, hands clasped
But he said No, — he’d already asked
Schmoop if she’d share him
So he’d have a harem
The Sharing Idea – what an ass!
Said Cheater to me D-Day night
After weeping, lamenting his plight
“If you play your cards right
Then you just might
Have a second chance with ME, what delight!”
It was only this one time, I swear!
He cried as he lied, standing there
But then I found emails
To more other females
His dick’s been in twats everywhere.
It was just those three days, Cheater lied
To fend her off bravely he tried
“She came on like a train wreck”
But his brain’s in his lil dick
It wasn’t his fault, see? He cried!
You looked me in the eye and lied,
Went to church, raised your hands, prayed in tongues, even cried.
Yet despite all your sparkle,
Your life’s one great big debacle.
You claimed divine intervention,
Forgiveness your only intention.
Because you were forgiven by you and apparently God too,
So what was my prevention?
Well you know it has been said of me,
I do not suffer fools lightly.
So let me add this before it’s too late.
My man must be Honest, Faithful and STRAIGHT.
Oh Schmoopie, You’re Special, He said
As they fucked in my house, in my bed
Can’t leave wife cuz she needs me
(though she houses and feeds me)
She needs to examine her head!
His girlfriend is such a fucktard,
During their vacation to Florida she sent me a postcard,
She said she was sorry for my loss,
That now SHE’S his new boss,
They would celebrate her birthday; what do you do with a dog from a junkyard
Said Cheater through crocodile tears
Oh, I’ve been unhappy for YEARS
But I couldn’t tell YOU
That just wouldn’t do
I might have to have a real career.
wow, snow day, extra coffee and I can’t stop!!!
She makes me feel like a real man
Since you caught me, she’s now my new plan
She’s older than you,
fatter, uglier too
But her bank account’s really why I ran
What a hoot this Is!!!
The retirement fund you tried to hide
By the pension appraiser was spied
I ended up with the house
And the money you louse
Karma’s bite for the tears that I’ve cried
Don’t you believe that I love you, he pled
Strawberries and chocolates in bed
Is what OW got
While you just got squat
No, I don’t! Hit the road’s what I said.
You deserted our lives as you wavered
To suck the new cock you so savored
But you’re starting to hate
What is left on your plate
Cause the sandwich you now eat is shit flavored
Line 2 is hilarious.
Love it chumplstilskin!!
A trip together
Burden always on my shoulders
Too tiring for you
You made six reservations
You were able to
It was just an act
Russian whore as incentive
My man has no tact
He had an emotional affair
Cuz homelife was too much to bear
She left hubby for him
One day on a whim
As for me, I’m too ‘meh’ to care!
He said he was looking out for my feelings
With the lying, cheating, and wheel-dealings
He seemed so surprised
when I had him fired for his lies
2 years later and he still won’t stop squealing.
To his rival, he must confess,
She’s been a wonderful mistress !
He does not regret anything.
Maybe he should; his ding-a-ling
Can’t operate without the stress
Got used to strong stimulation
A youporn-type situation
Russian girlfriend knew to provide
Finger in ass, blowjob, no pride.
A haiku for exH re: OWife
She’s strong, assertive
She always gets what she wants
Oops, can’t see your kids
Loved with all my heart
Your cheating would never end
No regrets have you
Your lies and “low self-esteem”
Couldn’t save you from your ugly scheme.
Then you called it a dare,
But I sure as hell didn’t care
Fuck you, I’m not one to spare!
My x was never a genius
his decisions were made by his penis
A vindictive borderline you did screw,
She Blogged pix of your micro dick and business name too
Now you’re broke and alone, while I own a home.
May the karma bus keep running over you
A couple of limericks:
His wife went out looking for action:
Being True gave her no satisfaction.
She said, “It’s my path.”
He replied, “Do the math:
By divorce, I add by subtraction.”
My ex loved to brood and to quibble
If she felt she was shorted on kibble.
She gets what is due her
When married men screw her.
Turns out, I married a Sybil.
And a couple of haikus:
All those vibrators
Left behind in your nightstand.
Oak nightstands burn bright!
If you laid the men
On Facebook end to end I
Wouldn’t be surprised.
Nomar… totally great.
Affairs, gambling & lies
He fucked over 4 lives
But I got smart
A keylogger is a must
And now all he does is cries.
Cheryl the Depressed Hoarder
Drank attention like Cherry Cola
She stopped giving a damn
Slept with the maintenance man
Now she’s stuck with a cheating odor.
Of the things you packed…
I can’t wrap my head around
second hand sex toys
Everything seem starry-eyed
Tho another bed he lied
He tried to come back
did he think I was a quack
after the accounts he drained
I got some good friends
And cleared out the house instead
And my lawyer he said “was so mean”
I sat there and laughed
While the judge beat his ass
Due to his pornography
He says I’m not Christian
And he should be forgiven
For his bad mistakes he made
But instead I smile
For this lies I don’t have to harbor
While he even lost his schmoopie
Oooh, I love haikus! Here’s my first:
I may be a chump
But you are a steaming pile
Of narcissist dung
Cheater, liar; you
Told her marriage was over
Before you told me.
Love-bombed, hooked, and chumped.
I loved who I thought you were.
Ha! Joke is on her.
Lost more than you know.
Stuck her with your broken dick.
Hope you’re happy now.
Her husband cheated.
She swapped her cheater for mine.
Karma bus is here.
There once was a deadbeat named Phil,
Who refused to pay marital bill.
Instead, spends his money
Impressing his honey.
Out of cash? Leave him she will.
Don’t worry, he said.
She doesn’t date married men.
Famous last words. Chumped!
Let’s end this quickly.
Divorce can’t come soon enough.
What’s taking so long?
Still denies affair.
I have more proof than he knows.
What an idiot!
Thanks for letting me vent in a creative way!
You have a gift, sir. (I like the first one best.)
Chumpsd do you live in San Diego?
No I do not….but I hear it’s a fun place to visit!
Your love was a lie
Your sorry, more of the same
I won’t live that way.
I won’t dance for you
And hope you see I’m a prize
I know what I’m worth.
Gaslight. Blameshift. Lie.
The playbook makes me laugh now.
Tuesday has arrived!
And now, a limerick:
Your dick was craving new action
You blamed me for my strong reaction
You’re scratching an itch
With a cold-hearted bitch
But you’ll never find true satisfaction
There was an OW named Hayley,
Who appeared to be really quite “whaley”
She died her hair pink
And fucked like a mink
But I thank her for stealing him, daily
Me Me Me Me Me
Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
Hark! The cheater song!
Me Me Me Me Me
You sing so pretty. Oh shit,
Me Me Me Me Me
Same song, lame sing. Good bye,
Cheater needs new audience
There once was a cheater I married.
Said our sex life was not enough varied.
He needed his cake.
Her tits were fake.
He resides now in the back yard buried.
That man, can he text
For you to send him the sext
Oh, can he flirt
For you to lift up your skirt
I feel sorry the person you choose next.
I think I’m nearly at Meh.
There’s little he could do or say,
That would make me care
If it’s five hos, and a spare.
I divorced him, and he went away.
I wish I was creative enough to rhyme but I sure have enjoyed reading everyone’s poems – great stuff!
EVERYONE thinks you’re soooo smart –
your good job, your good looks and good heart.
But I know you better,
you cheap-assed home-wrecker
Your soul stinks of rancid old farts.
apologies. i pressed ‘post comment’ too soon! it should say:
EVERYONE thinks you’re soooo smart –
your good job, your good looks and good heart.
But I know you better,
you dumbass home-wrecker
Your soul stinks of rancid old farts.
migraine meds apparently spur poetry….and I’m no poet! Haiku:
A liar, rampant
No wind-the banner hangs limp
Our garden trees, gone.
Also, this was a poem I wrote in the depths of my sorrow after DDay and my daughter leaving the US:
‘The Herring Bone’
the slenderest thread
keeps me alive.
A herring bone
to Hamburg, Hanseatic
city of rivers and herring
And daughters and love.
I love Hamburg and the region. I know it is tough having your daughter far away. If you get a chance to visit, you should both take a trip to Luebeck, just on the other side of the state, about 65km away.
Ja, been to Lübeck (I’m a marzipan fanatic…of course I went to Lübeck!). And, lovely Medieval cities…thanks for the idea.
Struggling to reach Meh
I realize there’s “M-E”
But no need for you.
Hooray for chumps now
Who can put the ‘ME’ in ‘MEH’
Time for us to live
I went and bought a keylogger
And caught him with a blogger
They coo-ed online
And met for wine
But now they’re just two old doggers!
When I think of OW’s fat thighs
How she loves to eat those mince pies
I see what poor taste
He chose in his haste
Now poor ex has skank with his fries
Nine years of my life I spent,
While his love for me came and went.
Until I got wise and kicked out the flunkie,
He went and shacked up with a heroin junkie.
I said “meh” and found a very nice gent.
He’s a bald drunk and a liar.
She’s at the bar and for hire.
She opened her gob,
Then fell on his knob,
May they die screaming on fire.
You said “soon” when I wanted to marry.
Nine years I waited- how scary!
Your penis you gave away freely…’
That’s why I wasn’t touchy feely…
But without you I’m happy, so very.
There once was a barber named Margo
Whose special customers she did blow
Sure she charged for the cut
She was no freebie slut
This skank comprehended quid pro quo
Mid-life crisis man
Sex in cramped Hyundai
My ex hates, can’t possibly moon
Announced April engagement in June (on my birthday)
New York Times was for us
Not this crap local fuss, which
Matched your first, but not THIS honeymoon
And BTW: I don’t get the local paper with all its stupid social announcements on Saturdays, you live more than an hour away so you drove all the way here to deliver them so I’d see this crap all announced two months later than it actually occurred, coinciding with MY birthday and what would’ve been OUR 35th wedding anniversary? Narcissism knows no bounds.
Our daughter learned of birds and bees
While watching your skank on her knees
With your thing in her gob
‘Sitting’ skank’s kids child’s job
And you expect child to worship you? Please…
Ex hubs loved to look at his porn.
Between his family and whores, he was torn.
D-day number three
did it for me.
Now he’s so sad and forlorn.
A short fat adulteress called R*c*l
whose heart’s best described p’raps as glacial
she thought it good luck
my husband to f*ck
In her house which is less than palatial
How surprised husband was when I filed
For divorce, indeed he truly was riled.
“I didn’t commit
that adultery bit”
But the lawyer his misdeeds compiled.
He honestly did this, tried to bully me into not divorcing him when he got the letter from my lawyer, and then when I refused to change my mind, after having openly been living with her and sharing a bed for 7 months, he refused to sign that he committed adultery. Fortunately his lawyer admitted it for him.
She “won” a compulsive liar
Nearly bankrupt his finances dire
He owes IRS, legal fees, it’s a mess
But she thinks that he’s someone much higher
He’s a con in a lawsuit for fraud
As such he “deserves” a new broad
I now have his number and more peaceful slumber
She’s blind to how deeply he’s flawed
Does she know he’s a serial cheater?
Surely bound to be a repeater
The Narc’s so amazing, her mind’s not appraising
She’s too busy blowing his peter
38 years and I’m moving on
No more liar, and cheater and con
I’ll be taking the Ranch
And you both will blanch
At how little you’re left when I’m gone
Should read “how little he’s worth” when I’m gone!
You described my experience so well!!
Please buy “us” this house
Said my favorite louse.
But when I replied no
To the OW’s parents they go
“Reconciliation won’t work” I heard him grouse.
Sham of R ended they day I refused to co-sign on a house I’d never seen or knew he was looking for…located near MOW’s house.
Apart we have grown
Lies and cheating I have known
What have you become?
He said my business I must grow
I am my company you know.
All that late night “work”
Watching that fat bitch twerk.
I see you clearly now I crow!
There once was a married man named Steve He thought he should have any woman he pleased
Though his wife was pregnant,
That was not a deterrent
He found a woman that didn’t care about the baby
Steve was a firefighter, you see
A special sausage, unlike you and me
He could not bear to turn them down!
For he was overweight balding
Steve had many affairs while he was married
His excuses were always quite varied,
He would rage at his wife,
“You don’t make pot roast right! Or sleep with me every night!
And you’re friends with your coworker, Gary!”
When Steve’s best friend died in a crash,
He comforted the widow in a flash!
She was grieving and weak
Opportunity was at its peak!
And he heard she loved taking it up the ass!
When Steve’s wife found out,
She was filled with doubt
“Steve works day and night
His schedule is too tight”
Steve began to cry, plead, and pout
Steve turned his friends against his wife
“She cleans too much!
She dresses like a slut!
She’s always focused on the kids day and night!”
Alas, steve admitted to one measly affair
His wife knew better, but by then, she didn’t care
He cried, bought flowers, but none of the blame would he bear
There once was a husband named Bill
Who couldn’t resist a cheap thrill
He finally got caught
A whore’s all he’s got
His luck has gone quickly downhill
And now his own children say no
We won’t visit you and the ho
But he doesn’t care
There is no there there
We leave them to their life of woe
Well Kelly said “hey it’s his loss,
I realize I’m sort of a boss.
He’s sick in the head.”
And now she’s re-wed
While ex his few options exhaust
‘It’s HER fault!’ your cheerleader said
when she kissed you, curled up in our bed.
‘She made lousy dinners,
That’s why we’re not sinners.’
But you’re both just fucked up in the head.
These are a little dark, and have to do with abuse, both emotional and sexual (sorry).
You wore me down well
Trained me into submission
Now you must bow down
I entered your hell with you
Not my problem now
That dark place of yours
I willingly went for love
Not going again
Once I met evil
Why I went there, I don’t know
You wasted my love
The cheating narcissist fool
Who never felt bound by a rule,
Said,”Hey, to be blunt,
I’ll screw who I want,
And don’t you Dare call me a tool!”
And another limerick:
A lonely old whore named Joanne
Decided that she’d “steal” my man
She said she “adored” him
He swore that I bored him
He lies to her daily – his plan!
Dear Margaret our life’s down the sewer
Because I decided to screw her
It’s not really deceit
If I secretly cheat
‘Cause It’s YOUR fault I had to pursue her.
To the tune of ‘We’re off to see the Wizard”……
He’s off to see the HO, The Wonderful HO of MO
I hear she is a whiz of a wacker, if ever a wacker there was
If ever, oh ever a wacker there was, The HO of MO is one because
Because, because, because, because, because
Because of the wonderful wackin’ she does
He’s off to see the HO, The Wonderful HO of MO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hehehe —-“If ever a wacker there was”. Oh gosh, I already have an earworm on that one!
There was an attorney called Paul
Stuck his dick in anything at all
All the hookers in FL
He put me through hell
The memory still makes my skin crawl
Such a “good Baptist gent”
Wonder how that bible went
When I discovered his lies
He let his fists fly
And off to ER I was sent
There was an attorney Valcore
His sadism I used to abhor
He thought he’d confuse me
Beat and abuse me
He didn’t count on the fact I could roar
Despite this sadist I grew
Escaped to create life anew
Wouldn’t take it any longer
I feel so much stronger
I survived and now thrive, you will too
Love this… I survived and now thrive, you will too
Thank you – I knew I wanted it as my last line before I wrote the rest 🙂
You traded class, beauty, and intelligence,
For an ugly, druggie, and disobedience,
I have my children, grandchild and a good job,
You have dysfunction with her psycho son, and a casino pickup bar slob,
No matter how low you are willing to go in court, I will still have my independence
Happy Valentines Day
He hid it from me
Her and I could not see
That father of mine
A man who, for more love, was always trying
What kind of father is he?
There once was a man named Dave,
Who long treated his wife like a slave.
His wandering peter
Meant he lived life as a cheater.
The fat vegan ho he began to crave…she can keep him!
He wanted to quickly sign on the dot
To get on with fucking his new twat.
The tall, cruel man
Packed up his van,
And that’s how I lost my crockpot!
Lmao, One Step!!!
Damn, I miss that crockpot!!!
one day someone banged on my door
it turned out to be my husbands whore
he is mine she insisted
I’m not bitter or twisted
just free of his lies evermore
love this! 🙂
So my ex, let’s call him fucker,
Decided he needed a new naive sucker.
Sadly he learned without me,
Not all things are free.
Now he lives back at home with his mother.
You’re awesome, she said
As she gave him some head
He said my wife’s nuts
My life’s in a rut
So the two lowlifes jumped into bed
Moving into a new genre called Cheater Camp Songs
To be sung to the tune of La Cucharacha… so many layers of poetry.
My rotten cheater, My rotten cheater
Has a nasty new womaaaan
She’s very stoopid, and very vapid
You should take one look and run
She wants my husband, my rotten husband
Cuz she thinks that he’s so fun
But he’s abusive, oh yes abusive
Call the sheriff when he’s done.
I’d like to congratulate you, other woman,
On the sociopath you’ve won, my ex husband.
He lies pathologically,
You’ll find that out in spite of me.
When you experience his infidelity firsthand.
Used car salesman
Traded in your old family
For blue light special
I wish you all the best, honey,
For your affair to me now is just funny.
I hope you two find peace,
Living in your deceit.
As I walk away with your money.
Damn, I’m enjoying this a little too much!
TheBetterJamie, I love it! Very, very entertaining! Who knew so many chumps were so very talented! This is great! I especially love your last entry!
Thanks, Roberta! I don’t know why I haven’t been filling a journal with poems…they’re just pouring right outta me and it’s quite relieving! Lmao.
I go the money, I got the house
You got the douchebag you got the louse
When you walked out the door
To shack up with your whore
You cockily assumed your child’s love
Was so strong she’d think nothing of
Instead you’re a thing to abhor
Ok last one for tonight, I’m on a roll!!!
Oh, you filthy little prick,
How your bald spot makes me sick.
I’m sure your college girlfriend’s engaging,
Your premature aging.
She seems like a really sweet chick.
Alright, I want to leave it on a positive note and tell you all that your poems, strength and ability to find humor in the darkest of places has inspired me. Good night!
If you’re reading this I’ll assume that you’ve made it,
Out of the double life that your ex had created.
We all here are fighters,
Once victims, now survivors.
And that, Chumps, should be celebrated!
“I met someone else who is special to me
I can’t live a life of pure celibacy
I deserve to be happy
And you should feel crappy
I have rewritten you into irrelevancy”
Pick me dance
Not a chance
Easily found employment
Put a fly in your ointment
Paid my lawyer in advance
Look whose jockular, radiant and blithe
Receiving court ordered payment hefty tithe
You have become so lugubrious
Surprise, choices weren’t salubrious
The karma bus hit you and left you to writhe.
Bravo Mommy Chump! Love it!
Thanks Roberta! I can’t stop 🙂 Thanks CL!!!! It’s been a very theraputic exercise.
Hickory dickey dock
You couldn’t control your cock
The narc ran to his whore
Left me and kids poor
But deep down we are the ones that rock
Ugly truth revealed
Stripped naked of honor
Disowned by daughter
You said the “friendship” was nothing,
But I found out you bought her a ring.
On a secret cruise you went,
And your money she spent,
But now she thinks you’re boring.
How does it feel to know,
Your girlfriend’s a drug loving ho.
Your “morals” she tested,
But she’s been arrested,
By your co-workers… Wow, that’s a blow.
Narc and whore snuck around at work
You lied, stole, cheated by the book
Genghis khan attorney found you out
You had no more clout,
It all came out bit by bit
Now you blame me
Because you cannot see
Your a two timing piece of Shit
There once was a gaslighter named Ryan.
My forgiveness, he always was buyin’.
Til the abandonment, more than mild,
He is- less than a year later- with a new child.
And now O-Wife is prey to his lyin’.
My, that was therapeutic.
You can set the hoovering phone calls on a dime.
Your soulmate turned out not to be oh-so sublime?
While parenting our daughter,
Undoing all of the narc-BS you two taught her,
Is this really how I must spent my time?
“Admit your fault in this” he doth protests
“We’re still great friends” he does still blithely profess.
Any time spent on this mind fuck,
Is clearly a time suck,
An aside: accidental infidelity diet makes me look hot in this size 4 dress.
I can do this all night.
My husband left me for a whore
He met her at a bar
she thought it was a one night stand
but he went back for more and more
Now he’s holed up with a whore
He wrote poems calling her a dream girl
If I only knew he wanted to be with
an ugly, abusive, sleazy pig
I would have left him long ago
He wrote her poems through the night
Texting her his love while taking a shit
His best poem line was
Married but on our own, met her while he was with me
Now he owns a whore
who gives blowjobs in her car
His children want nothing to do with him
The price you pay when your mask comes off
now I see what the porn, drug, alcohol addictions that defined you
I see you
I wonder no more
you just wanted a whore
today I am finally free
my husband kept having affairs
was addicted to strange pubic hairs
I wept and I screamed
I hoped and I dreamed
I even tried saying my prayers
for a very long time I felt blue
as none of his stories were true
I listened to lies
and weak alibis
while his whore he continued to screw
then late one night on the net
I will never forget
I found Tracy and all of you too
I think I have sussed what was wrong
the thing was a farce all along
I was cast as the chump
while his tarts he did hump
but now I am mighty and strong
I won’t play the fool anymore
as his true love showed up at my door
I declare her the winner
her prize is the sinner
and I’m cheater free
thats for sure
Wow, that’s impressive! 🙂
The other woman, that bitch is so silly
Thought she’d be getting my life *snort*, oh really?
I’m divorcing his ass
Hell yeah, I’m getting half
But I’ll toss her the dried wedding bouquet of white lilies
The fog is gone now I can see
20 long years he didn’t love or support me
That whore is a tramp
and he is a scamp
But from my gilded cage I am now free
He and his whore, they like to take trips
they f*** in hotels and take dirty pics
At first I was sad
But now I am glad
“Hit the road” I say to those twits.
Gullible me, I
thought you were a better man.
Now I know the truth.
Raising our kids has made you a bore
So I had to find a skank-whore
She left her young girl
Round my small cock to twirl
Now two families shook to the core.
“I want to be happy,” he’d cry
“I’ll live in a box,” he did sigh
But wait, there was more
He screwed a skank-whore
“Happiness is a warm box,” he’d reply.
Our cheaters live lives of distain,
They wound us and feed off our pain……….
Chumps not only survive,
But we triumph and thrive,
And we rise from the ashes again!
I love it!
I will pay you to leave your wife, I will.
After you do, we will celebrate with your little blue pill!
Do not fear that everyone found out
I am nothing like your wife, that good Girl Scout.
But I AM the ONLY ONE who can MAKE YOU HAPPY…still!
Goodbye to the mind fuck, lies and deceit.
The only truth you spoke was when you told me
You were hungry, horny or needed to pee.
There was an old man with a beard
Who marriage vows never revered.
Other women he screwed
In a manner so crude
From his family he disappeared
There lives a narc named Oskar.
He uses women in order to prosper.
He picked the wrong one;
Pam said ‘this is not fun’ so
She kicked his ass to the curb
and he lost her.
(epic mic drop)
Handsome sexy voiced gigolo
You used my love to chase your ho’s.
What a freak show was your haram–
Duck faced Susan and stumpy legged Karen.
You drove my car and burned my gas
to fuck familiar and strange ass.
Assaults, deceit and contempt I endured.
My actions will prevent others being lured.
Your prospects have dried up, Mr buff and tanned.
I reported you to POF and Match—you’ve been banned.
fuck you you twat
you didn’t get squat
you head is in your anus
and your whore is just heinous
so while you thought you were hot
I’d just think not
so go back to your whore
you ungrateful bore
‘cuz I don’t need you anymore
You made a choice to crap on your old life
No one held a gun to your head to cheat on your wife
Your arrogance and entitlement grew through the years
You gas lighted and blame shifted praying on fears
Chump nation to the rescue now I march to a cheater free fife
Your passive aggressive control was so slick,
I thought it was your wife & your child you would pick.
But see here, you coward,
I took back my power.
And you’re left just holding your dick.
Who the hell is this?
You’re not who I made vows with!
So the real you has shown up?
Well you’re shit outta luck.
Because I don’t put up with his shit.
Deny truth, it won’t be heard,
You do know that is absurd.
Pretty mask, so thin,
I see what’s within.
Pointless to cover a turd.
It wasn’t my fault! I was plastered!
You KNOW drink’s a thing I’ve not mastered!
But my love is reborn,
Kiss my sweet unicorn!
Really? I still think you’re a bastard.
love this whatthefuckever!
I wrote this a couple of years ago. I apologize for the length, but just wanted to share.
There once was a bitch named Vajayjay
Who saw MY husband as a good payday
She started to call him, and sent a good text
Thinking, “Oh, I think I’ll DO her husband next”
She worked in his office with a low paying job
Thinking “Oh, I will win him with a blow job”
So she dressed in lace panties and size 32A bra
Thinking “this will make Rugger draw the last straw”
My husband was withdrawn and so very weak
He thought “what the hell, I’ll take a quick peek”
“I’ll start working out, and act like I’m cool”
Little did he know he would become a big fool
Little Miss G**a had done this before
All the staff knew that she was a whore
The other married men that she had DONE in the past
Knew that she would jump into bed very fast
So, the Levitra prescription purchased and on hand
Stupid husband wanted to play in the sand
So away the two flew, to a beach far away
Thinking “my family won’t mind if just go to play”
Our children begged him not to go
He told them to just “go with the flow”
“It’s something I need, it’s something I want”
Although Rugger knew that this was a taunt
Husband had already given her the speech
And Rugger desperately tried not to preach
But after 28 years of loyalty, love and care
Rugger just did not see how this was fair
Due to her highly depressive state
Rugger stayed in bed and started to hate
Who was this other person that was “just a friend?”
Due to her whoresness, the marriage could not mend
So off to marriage counseling the Ruggers did go
To try to “fix” this mid-life crisis woe
The truth was not told in the sessions we had
In fact Mrs. Rugger was said to be bad
The counselor did see through the many lies told
And told Mrs Rugger she needed to be bold
To stand up to the weak, the lies and deceit
Little did we know it would take much more than a week
The bright and shiny new whore
Was enough to make Rugger weep on the floor
“Friends” is what the husband wanted to be
To the wife that stood by him for all to see
So the day finally came when enough was enough
And Rugger took a stand and said enough with this stuff
“I just can’t do this pain and hurt anymore”
“I just deserve and want so much more”
All it took was just one more lie
One more night with the whore at his side
To finally awaken Rugger’s self-worth, and help her decide
To end this false reconciliation and have some pride
The papers were filed, the husband was served
And he really thought that Rugger had some nerve
To question his feelings of “true love” for his wife
“That he had devoted everything to her life”
So, now we are here and the divorce is quite near
I doubt if old hubby will shed one more tear
For he once had said “til death do us part”
I am sure he is ready for a new start
And where does Rugger go from here?
To that I cannot answer very clear
She wants to be loved, to be held, to share
But she wants a new love that will be fair
Vajayjay is safely tucked into his bed
At one time this made Rugger wish she were dead
But those days are past, finally long gone
And Rugger is ready to break into song
It is way overdue for those sad days to end
Finally Ruggers heart is starting to mend
She is becoming a true person of whole
And she is ready to be a woman with a warm and kind soul
She wants a new love, new choice and new life
At one time though she WAS a great wife
When she feels alone in her thoughts and her hope
She knows that God will provide and help her to cope
If she never finds one that is honest and true
She knows that life is good and shouldn’t feel blue
God walks beside her and good friends are near
And all on this board have been very dear
Good luck and best wishes to all of us here
The time to truly find ourselves is very near
It has been a rough road, one we shouldn’t have to bear
But keep dreaming the dreams that life can be fair
^^^ Wow, just wow!!! ^^^
The receipts from the Zale’s jewelry store
Were so exciting and hard to ignore.
Maybe a gift for me
For our anniversary?
No way, only gifts for the whore.
G.I. Joe/MMA, not
Then he fell on another girl’s twat
I ran for the door
Never touching the floor
Now your dick I have heard has “The Rot”
“The Rot”, love it! Wish they would all get the rot.
Little Miss Stripper
Sat on his zipper
Eating up his words; she was his prey
Along came the liar
And sat down beside her
And (ultimately) frightened Miss Stripper away!
You’re old and you’re not any fun
Too much attention to our daughter and son
I must be the star
Worship me near and afar
Or off to a bar slut I’ll run.
You exchanged me for
your whore’s spawn by someone else
What happened Darwin?
You did not appreciate my LOVE
That’s really your LOSS
I will THRIVE
Not just SURVIVE
Because that’s what us chumps are good at the MOST
Agility of a small
Soap dish. Good riddance.
Once upon a time,
I believed in unicorns.
No more, you fucker.
Need joy, not others ‘fore self!
New wife. What? Same story.
Oops,it’s early…incorrect syllables.
Last line: New wife. Same story.
Suicide tried, failed
Daughter’s pain, listen to me!
Father– not my fault
There once was a skank-whore from Texas
Who gave blowjobs right there in her Lexus
Sleazy bars she’d patrol
Married men were her goal
Her appeal will always perplex us.
He said “The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you”
The affair “mistake” he could not undo
He pined for her in vain
Assuming I had no pain
Now he’s lost her and his family because we’re through
There once was an OW named Katherine
A trusting chumps husband she wanted to win,
He wrote, oh your brown sparkling eyes!
And your so gorgeous thighs!
The only woman he loved according to him.
OW had her good reasons you see,
To fall for his unoriginality,
She said it was her vulnerability,
And those lovebirds just couldn’t help it!
They were SO meant to be.
But poor chumpy was just so tearful and sad,
And that self sacrificing hubby just couldn’t be bad,
So OW got dumped,
But chump was still chumped,
And ever after was not lived too happily.
(But chump has found chump lady now!)
““The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you”’
WTF, man. If there’s anything I hate more than cheater-speak, it’s new-age cheater-speak. Blech!
It’s just as bad a Jesus cheaters. Too bad karma kicked him in the ass!
We thought our sad stories unique
then read twenty-six in a week
the pain and the shame
are exactly the same
if you’re English, American or Greek
We chumps are growing stronger together
you could say that we’re birds of a feather
til we trust that they suck
til we don’t give a fuck
long live Chumplady forever
Well said Mary!
There was an old tart known as Jackie
whose antics were vile and tacky
she came to my house
he behaved like a louse
now he spends all his time
as her lackey
My dear husband Steve went fishing in Belize
Where he caught something special to give to me
A shit load of crabs
Crawling off his ass
And a sexually transmitted disease
There was a cheater named Earl,
He figured he could fuck any girl,
He tried out Linda, Karen, and Diana,
Then Paulette and Sharon’s vagina,
Then he gave Judy and joanne a whirl
Not quite satisfied,
His pecker petrified,
He fucked the girl upstairs,
Screwed while on the job making repairs
Must have felt unqualified
He move to Cocoa Beach,
And found more whores within reach,
Instead of finding a job,
He fucked slob after slob,
Such a mindless leech
Dating three at a time,
Juggling so much slime,
He found a lucky whore,
So needy and available on a dime
Nancy was her name,
By now he was at the end of his game
He had no where to go,
She was willing to blow,
To him their all the same
Perhaps he’ll stay awhile,
Hope she’s fooled by the sadists smile
As the promises he will make,
Allowed me to escape,
A life that was so vile
He would leave during the day all alone
To secretly bury his bone
He diddled her daddle
She fiddled his faddle
Now neither of them have a home
Oh that is good
You cried and said “I despair!”
And so hard you would work to repair
But five short days in
You stuck your dick in
To another with long jet black hair!
there once was a chump named Mary
her marriage was really quite scary
he lied and gaslighted
but whenever they fighted
he blamed her and called her contrary
she knew he had cheated before
she was too weak to show him the door
so she danced the pick-me
and just could not see
that he truly belonged with his whore
her friends tried to tell her in vain
its true there’s no gain without pain
she put up a fight
tried to do what was right
she came close to going insane
now stronger than ever before
she remembers that man as a bore
she is soon to be single
she is ready to mingle
and sex is no longer a chore
so to all fellow chumps everywhere
just hang in there
and do not despair
if she wants him then let her
it can only get better
a great life awaits you out there
Well written! Love it.
The Chump that you know as Mehphista
Was betrayed by a lass she called sistah
I won’t call her Audrey
Doesn’t make her less tawdry.
But she gets to keep that dumb mistah.
LIKE! Mephista, one betrayal is enough but two … :(. Who the fuck are these people?
OK I’ll give it a go, it’s Valentines and I can’t resist.
There once was a man who’s logic was rusted,
he claimed no sin because she was “just a friend”,
but feared his plan B could not be trusted,
in their sex club he cried,
“The morals here are subjective and busted!”
He love’s me, he loves me not,
He has a bloodless heart,
Stay with him forever more,
Equals! Of that I am sure
Years of emptiness start!
Like a mighty tree
Our marriage falls to the ground
Felled by your penis.
totally love it!
Thanks! I always read that haiku should have imagery from nature so I was trying to work that in.
I love it…..it is, ode to the penis
There once was a cheater named aka Mickey
He thought he had a cool fancy hard dickey
Poked it around while in fog
With ow who looked like a hog
She dumped him now he has erectile dysfuntion pretty slicky
Decades trust love
Exploding all around me
Everything fuck you
Sure I want you back
All I ever wanted was
A louse by my side
I didn’t know about the divorce
making school lunches
at time of cheating
said he grew apart
as he thrust penis in her
as I cooked dinner
such a lying man
wished us away in his mind
only we are now
pretend long enough
you have no family and
one day it is true
Ooh, nice one!
WOW. My life too. Great submission, Teresa.
On Valentine’s Day I pray,
With you she will stay,
Sharing a meal so delicious,
While looking at slutalicious,
Giving her half the bill to pay!!
Valentine’s Day Conversation Between Cheating Fucktards
What they tell each other What they are really thinking
Fucktwit 0: Daddy I love you so, Daddy, I can’t believe your here,
Narc 0: Baby there’s something you should know, I’m stuck with her I fear!
Fuckwit 0: You make my life complete, I know he won’t stay,
Narc 0: Baby on you I will never cheat, How the fuck do I get away,
Fuckwit0: You know I’m not really a ho Why is he looking at her rear
Those are supposed to be two separate poems!
There was once a cheater named Owen
who liked to go to-ing and fro-ing
never answered his phone
when he went out alone
lied about where he was going
His mistress was called Jacqueline
and inclined to be bossy and mean
they say love is blind
and they’re two of a kind
but their future remains to be seen
I have now had enough of the drama
and the issues he had with his mamma
there is no more to say
so I’ll just walk away
and leave their comeuppance to karma
Mary—-this says it all in a nutshell~ a contender!
GRRRR! the bullshit we endure with their damn phones! They go incommunicado with us but trip over themselves to respond to any whimper from their skanks! I was stewing about this last night…… <:-(
YES!! I’m sure doucheturd and his schmoopie had a laugh when I offered to buy him a new phone because his was going dead almost every day! Imagine!
To every young slut he would spout,
My marriage is unhappy no doubt,
But to me you would scream, I have low self-esteem,
Please don’t leave me, I so need your help…
She found a secret soul mate
Made me feel second-rate
The truth she let trickle
‘Bout boinking his pickle
Now I must show her the gate
washed like chalk on wall
our life dripping view of it
in minds eye that day
Who was that MASKED man,
Married but no wedding band,
At the bar, a dance and a kiss,
Surely, a man a wife would miss,
My phone number I slipped in his hand
He explained with glee,
My wife is here with me,
But you should have no fears,
I have been unhappy for two years,
He looked inviting to me!!
The affair was exciting,
He seemed so inviting,
His wife deserved this pain,
From other women he cannot refrain
Now when he away,
I hope he wont stray,
He couldn’t be that bad
Much better than the other guys I’ve had
With others he will always play
There once was a man who liked Craigs List,
Hoped to find some guys there for a tryst,
Thought he was slick,
Sent pics of his dick,
Until wifey found out and was pissed.
Losers in love oh my!
In each other’s arms will die,
Cheated on each other oh no!
STD’S from cheating we go!
Happy valentines day my whore
You know I’m looking for more
You are just another fuck
Listening to CUNTry really does suck
You to me have become a chore
Kids are resilient?!
I annul you as parent
And have found my meh
Expect nothing for
Mother’s Day because you are
Not my Mother, Bitch.
ouch ouch ouch!!!!! So sorry you had to live that. Those scars remain forever no matter how we try to cover them. ((big hug!))
Please would you help me?
You wanted them, you raise them.
Do my job for me!
This is all your fault!
I wasn’t going to leave you!
Sorry you found out. Or. She is just like you
There once was a husband named Bill,
who envisioned himself as a thrill.
The whore’s field was astrology
tarnishing his pathetic apology,
which confirmed the affair as a kill.
My husband whacked off to porn.
Probably since the day he was born.
His meat he would beat,
Then the history he would delete,
Then played me like a baritone horn.
Our boss, Mary Kate was her name.
He and she liked to play a game.
They’d take a roll in the hay,
’twas nothing! He’d say,
Then I’d be left holding the blame.
So my cheater? He brought me a flower.
He believes he has magical power.
He can take that bouquet,
to our whore-boss for her pay,
Because his pension, I will soon devour.
Earl, with his crooked thin dick,
Nancy, with assault records he would pick,
Earl, deaf, dumb, and blind,
Nancy, loud,ugly, with anyone will grind,
Yup, I see why they click!
She thought she won- you’re no prize!
Just a turd in a shiny disguise.
Cheating games you’ll play,
I’m glad she “took you away”.
I no longer have to deal with your lies!
When dating, I ignored the red flags
While not even considering he would be a distant dad.
He slept within our “friend” zone
Which explains the happy mood when he came home.
I trusted enough not to keep tabs.
Twenty years pass and a few STDs later
I discovered I had married a hater
of all who did not allow him to have his way.
I had to listen to his verbal vomit and vile threats each day.
My hubby is an A game baiter.
A long affair of his was over
leaving a baby born on MY birthday to discover.
She decided to marry her boyfriend
bringing the sexual relationship to an end.
This would never do for hubby who decided he needed many other lovers.
Single friends, money, hobbies, and prostitutes became the focus.
I knew the joke was on us.
For years he left us alone.
The kids did not even think he still lived at home.
We disappeared like hocus-pocus.
Choosing to miss daughter’s HS graduation
instead, giving her money and he wanted appreciation.
He had not spoken to them in years anyway
because his desires are more important which will keep them at bay.
A shitty virtual slap in the face because I was teaching them from home and considered this an important celebration.
Remaining stupidly in the shit thirty-three years while he cared more for a bong
I decided we mattered, got a lawyer, packed our things and gave HIM a virtual so long.
You and the kids deserve more than this my older brother said to me.
Two months later he became and actual angel and left us a home to flee.
Four months out and continuing therapy, we have a home where we finally belong.
Wanted! A smiling Valentine,
He used to be mine,
You might recognize him,
He has a boyish cheating grin,
Missing! He has no spine
Found! One amazing good guy,
Fuck me Fuck me she would cry,
Wrap your arms around me Daddy,
Sold! Together we will fly
Lost! I settled for so much less,
No more kibbles, what a mess!
How do I get away now,
Shit! Nancy is just a fuck me cow
What? My wife won’t take me back,
I must be losing my knack,
My life wasn’t all that bad,
I lost everything I had,
Really! Nancy’s still smoking crack
He posted vids of his chic,
To grow a great big hard dick,
He offered his bum,
For black men to cum,
And arranged a rape from Nick.
I’ve lived through cancer.
I choose life and kids over
Oh, Lord, its been a baaaaaaad day! The barometric pressure is killing me here. 🙁 And here is where pain takes my mind…
So tired of watching the clock.
Your excuses are such a crock!
You wanted more fun?
Fine! I’m over and done.
Now that bitch can worship your cock!
Moodiness irks you?
Hey dumb-ass, your new downgrade
Has P.M.S. too!
Incredible submissions, everyone! Wishing all a pleasant day/evening/night. xx
These are dedicated to my support group of wonderful friends (c+j).
“Fish Sore Whore”
Claims to catch a fish.
Instead goes on trip with whore
Now has warts on dick
“It’s in the Mail”
Dumb ass in track suit
FaceTime Father of the Year
Don’t expect a card
“Other Woman Can Deal with It”
Brisk wind blow away
Remaining hairs on his head
Let her buy toupee
There once was a bald piece of shit
Who cheated with a phoney, blonde twit.
Now, I am happy to say,
The divorce is one month away
And no STDs did they transmit.
“Not Keeping up with”
There once was a man named Jones,
Who smelled like he was stricken with Crohn’s.
When he’d eat some beans,
He’d shit in his jeans,
Then go home and watch Game of Thrones.