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And the Winners of the Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest Are…

And the winners of the Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest ARE….

Boy, you guys made this difficult. Over 450 submissions! So much creativity, so much snark, so much gallows humor — I love Chump Nation!

But I had to choose. So I winnowed it down to four winners, two in each category. In limericks the winners were Bev and Stuntchump!

lysol

Bev

There once was a man named Steve
A germaphobe to the nth degree
He stuck his dick in a hooker
Every time he could book her
Could someone explain that please?

 

StuntchumpFredoom

Their love is so great it was fated
They had cheating in common he stated.
Should I feel bereft
Now that he’s left?
Because all I am feeling’s elated.

 

Bev’s entry wins because I wanted to draw a germaphobe spraying Lysol on a hooker. Actually, it nicely sums up the whole disconnect between what cheaters think and what they do. For the win!

Stuntchump had many awesome entries, but I liked this one for it’s CL ethos of trusting that they suck. He’s gone, she’s elated! Life gained.

In the haiku category, the winners are Koru and Mommy Chump!

Koru

I gave you my love
You took it and left me with
Children and herpes

herpes

Mommy Chump

Intellectual
Agility of a small
Soap dish. Good riddance

soapdish

 

In Koru’s entry, I loved the juxtaposition of herpes and children. In a very succinct way, Koru illustrates the paradoxical blessing/curse that is breeding with a fucktard. Upside — children you love. Downside — STDs.

Mommy Chump’s entry just made me laugh out loud. Cheaters think they’re so smart, but when you look at the stupid shit they say and do — it’s an insult to soap dishes, really.

Awesome entries everyone! Winners, email me at info@chumplady.com so I can hand out the prizes. See you back here on Monday. My cartooning hand needs a rest. And Happy Valentine’s Day!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • There once was a Valentine’s contest
    with cheaters and all of their conquests.
    So many great poems
    about broken ho-ems.
    Which haiku has Chump Lady drawn best?

    Congrats to the winners! So many laugh-out-loud submissions.

  • I am humbled and honored!! I have my very own cartoon now (better than the cartoon I married). It’s so damn funny when you read it but it’s the honest truth. This man drug me to marriage counseling for over a year bitching about the house being “not clean enough”. I am a stay at home mom, raised in the south by southern women and have a housekeeper to help….. How fucking dirty can a house be?? I swear you could’ve have literally licked my floors and been fine. I suppose hookers get a pass on cleanliness? You can’t make this shit up. Thanks Tracy and Chump Nation 🙂

    • Totally hysterical, Bev! I can just picture the MC’s notes: “not sure what other cleaning products I can recommend.” Love it.

      I know on one hand, none of our stories are funny, but it is good to hear them to remind ourselves how disordered these freaks are. And it’s good to be away from them.

    • Loved Bev’s when I read it, so congrats to Bev!

      Also, my STBX is a germaphobe. And he hates strong smells. Interestingly enough, not only is Schmoopie a woman with a past (and I’ve said beforehand that she’s had one-night stands with guys she’s met in bars), but she is also a lousy housekeeper.

      I cannot WAIT until they start spending more time together! She will want to impress him with her cooking, and he’ll complain that the house has filled up with smoke, that someone’s burning stuff. I can imagine how well that will go over. 😛

    • Yes, their body parts can be inserted into a virus-infested waste dump, but a dust bunny on the floor sends them into toxic shock.

  • I LOVE Bev’s poem, particularly since mine was named Steve, was a patron of allllllll forms of hookers and also had germ and superiority issues. Loved to lecture the kids about loyalty, HA! I took him aside at one point and told him that he was never, EVER to even mutter the word loyalty to my children…EVER again.

    • Congrats all. Like Bev and SuperChump the ex’s name was also Steve. Hmmmmm. Coincidence? I never caught him with hookers but then the operative word in that sentence is ‘caught’.

      So happy for the winners! Yay, chump nation!

  • Congrats on all the great poems!! This was VERY therapeutic for me…writing mine and reading others. Way to go Chump Nation!

  • proud to be a member of this mighty, talented, and creative club

    sending every chump a valentine today with much

    love
    love
    love

  • Not really relevant. However, my STBxH went scuttling off to meet his lady friend this evening. They obviously had a 7.00 p.m. liaison planned especially for Valentine’s Day.
    I’m on day 202 from D day. A few weeks ago, I would have been devastated by today’s events.
    However, today, for about ten mins I felt a bit alone and abandoned (was everyone else in the world tucked up all nice and cosy with their Valentine ?).
    Then decided that Valentine’s Day is just another day.
    Then thought, ‘It’s tough, but OK’.
    Then I got my head in gear and it dawned on me that: I’M TOUGH AND OK.
    Just shows how much a chump can learn in a short time.
    If some brand new chumps had a rough day – take heart – you are closer to your Tuesday than you yet realise.
    Love to everyone and thank you to everyone who has played a part in me getting my head straight.,

    • Alongwaytogo,

      You seem to have gone very far in recovery. You inspire me.

      I’ve now been dumped twice on Valentine’s Day. First time was almost twenty years ago by a cheating ex-boyfriend. The second time was early this morning over the phone in a store parking lot. I got dumped by someone I thought really cared about me, right before walking into a store where lots of people were buying flowers, balloons, and chocolate. (New prospect, who originally seemed crazy about me, said that because he was afraid of my cheater STBX he wouldn’t come over. I was upset–for a moment I thought I had finally found a good, loyal guy outside of my family who could handle life with a chump but then realized that that was not the case.) Then I drove past STBX’s place (as he lives across the street) and noticed his car gone (probably with girlfriend/prostitute of the week). What stopped me from crying was the need to quickly prepare breakfast for the people who truly love me–I was throwing a party for relatives and friends, some of whom I’ve known for decades.

          • Neither you nor I nor any of us deserve or need another cake eater. His loss!!!! You dodged a narc I’m thinkin. You are stronger now for surviving your x, I’m sure that is apparent to cake eaters as soon as they meet you and it is going to make them RUN away quickly cause you are tooo BAD ASS for them :O)

            Rock on SISTER!!!! 😀 Happy Narc Free Life 😀

      • Rockstarwife; Sounds like he already had someone else! Why would he not want to come to your house? Maybe you dodged a bullet, but so sorry it happened today!!

        • Thanks, Regina. Although this turn of events hurts, deep down, I think that I probably have dodged a bullet. Ideally, we can see and acknowledge the red flags before major damage is done.

      • Oh, I’m so sorry that happened today! I am glad that you had people around you today who love and care for you.

      • rockstarwife, so sorry that this guy was such a coward and so selfish. No one has to tell you that you are better off learning what he is early, but it sure is painful and disappointing to have it happen when and how it did. When you write, ” originally seemed crazy about me,” I wonder if was love-bombing you, which might mean he is at the wrong end of the narcissism spectrum.

        Good for you that his unkindness didn’t interfere with your party.

      • Rockstarwife, Entertaining today means you are doing several things well: staying busy, spending time with those you love (and who love you back!), and doing something you enjoy (cooking and entertaining). My advice re your new beau. He might have bailed because “of your ex” but perhaps it was because you were going to be surrounded by family and friends. Disordered people avoid gatherings like this, and they avoid special occasions. Be thankful for those people in your life who do matter. Real men don’t bail on days like this (red flag), ask me how I know (it took me awhile to figure this out). Just pay attention to actions (they are patterns). Know you are enough.

      • rockstarwife
        You are a feisty lady and your own person. You inspire me. I’m so pleased that you had kindly people to go home to … you have obviously earned good friends during our life time.
        I’m just clawing my way back into life (and yes, it rough sometimes). However, I’m beginning to look for a little diamond of happiness in each day – and somehow, that really helps. Today’s diamond has already happened. I won £25 on the National Lottery – hardly a fortune and I actually need £250,000 right now – but a tiny diamond nonetheless.
        Similarly, I’ve begun to believe in Fairy Dust ….. basically, just sprinkling a little happiness somewhere in the day for someone. That all seems to help with the self-pity and the tears. I know they are tiny steps, but, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step and all that. We all have to start somewhere.
        I couldn’t have done any of the above without Chump Lady. It really was a lightbulb moment finding the book – then you guys.
        Have a lovely day everyone – go out and look for little diamonds and thank you everyone for sprinkling me with Fairy Dust,
        Love,

    • alongwaytogo–It sure sounds as if you’ve come a long way!

      My STBX was supposed to have spent Friday night in a near-by city. I was sure it was a way for him to be with Schmoopie and I was thrilled. Peace! Quiet! Drama Free Life!!!

      Then he ended up NOT spending the night. Well, I live in hope, and here it is Valentine’s Day and I was sure he’d take Schmoopie out to dinner because Schmoopie demands things like being taken out to dinner on Valentine’s Day.

      So I bought myself a nice New York strip steak–on sale! A bottle of prosecco, a bit of nice cheese, a little chocolate…Ah! Such treats!

      And dammit all but he comes home!!! WTF? Do I have to give him relationship advice on how to keep Schmoopies???

      Anyway, he hates the smell of any kind of meat cooking. I used to accommodate that, but thought that tonight, I was going to have a nice piece of steak. And I did. I cooked it on a cast iron skillet, with pan sauce that had mushrooms and onions. Veggies were carrots and snow peas. I’m still drinking the prosecco. He moped and complained about the smell. I told him that I couldn’t help that he didn’t like the smell of cooking, that normal people loved the smell of food, that I had the right to fix my own supper, and he needed to grow up.:)

      The prosecco still tastes good and I’m having a FINE Valentine’s Day. 😀

    • On Valentines Day I attended a funeral of a beautiful woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer and died within four months. She enjoyed every day of her life with her wonderful husband and family. As the minister spoke of the importance of love, close relationships, and how she lived her life I cried. Surrounded by her husband, children, and grandchildren, on Valentines Day was heartbreaking. It made me realize that every day we waste on someone following D-day we could be enjoying and celebrating the people we cherish and love. My ex was there as it was his aunt who adored us as a couple. After the funeral we met with his family and he asked if he could sit with me and my daughter. Cheaters remorse, with the mask on is amazing and predictable. He talked as if nothing happened and when we left he hugged in front of everyone. My addicted brain immediately went to how much I loved this man and wished he was my partner. Then I spent the night tossing and turning unable to sleep once again. I forced myself to recall the HIV testing, treatment for STD and the fact that he is toxic. For most of my life I believed he could change and we would actually have a future together. There have been so many holidays I survived since D-day without him and this was another. On our ride home my daughter said, “Maybe it would be better for both of you if you just got back together”. After ten months of pain and suffering my response was, “I will never get back with him”. He probably bought his slut the token bunch of flowers with a narc card professing his love followed up with sex. He probably has regrets and has no way out of living with an aggressive whore. Kibbles are necessary. My box is empty. Thank-you chumps and CL for the ability to recognize the pattern of cheaters and how to stay strong. I was happy spending Valentines Night cooking for my son and granddaughter. I will follow through with NC and on the dreaded day he comes knocking at my door he will see a Disturbed Not Allowed sign. Holidays will come and go but he is gone.

      • Good for you Donna. I know how hard it is, especially when you hug at family events and all those feelings come rushing back. I guess it’s a lot like kicking an addiction. You are on your way!

      • I had a situation very similar to yours about a week ago. Our neighbor’s mom died and STBX asked if my daughter and I would want to drive into the city to attend the funeral together. He had been asked to do a reading by our friend. Now my STBX considers this neighbor like a younger brother but he has never had a relationship with the mother. He gets up to do the reading and cries! The mom had been ill for years and it was a blessing for our friend, but there’s my disordered nutjob sobbing like it was his own mother. (A woman for whom I will never shed a tear and thankful I don’t have her in my life anymore!)

        We spent the remainder of the day disposing of furniture our storage unit. After returning the rental van, he got into my car for the ride home and sobbed all over again. When I asked what he had to cry about, his response was that he was losing everybody and life is too short.

        Seriously, I’m the one who should be allowed to cry, but instead I was happy I didn’t have to go home again with this idiot. I think I’m slowly reaching Tuesday!

  • Happy Narc Free Valentine’s Day Chump Nation! ;D

    Free at last
    From disordered cheaters
    Tuesday’s arrived!
    We’re no longer blind!!!!

  • Wow! I’m so touched.

    I loved so many of the entries and can not say enough how the benevolent snark of the whole community has fed my soul throughout this chapter (stanza?) of my life. (and really helped me not make it a refrain.)

    Viva la Chumplady!

  • Congrats to all the winners. I commented on Bev’s above, but I love stuntchump’s, too. It’s where I see myself. Lose a cheater. Gain a LIFE!

    The haikus were awesome, too. Koru and Mommy Chump, you are both very talented. Sheesh! Children and Herpes. Yep. And given that STBX is such a germ freak, I love the soapdish! He’s getting legal advice from Schmoopie again, and again, she gets it only half right.

    All four of you are terrific, and I have to say that this past contest was filled with wonderful entries. 🙂

    • Thank you RockStar!!!! I am stronger because of you guys and my friends and family and my rescue dog Beau (he was abused also…we heal together 😀 and keep each other safe)

      Wow we are lucky, all of us, to have each other, this safe haven and Tracy’s no nonsense advice and all those that love us and value us 😀

      I didn’t even cry today when I got my lawyer’s (hopefully) final bill 😀 Flipping Happy Narc Free Valentine’s Day!!! YEEEEHAAAAAA!!!!

      Onward and UPWARD to a Better Future where we GET BACK WHAT WE GIVE 🙂 !!!!!

      …if that loser coward comes sniffin back around I hope you ask him to hold and forget that’s where you left him :D!!!!! LOSERS NEED NOT APPLY!

  • We are indeed lucky. Happy Valentine’s Day! We either rocked it or survived it! Either way, we are mighty. And Annabel is going to school. Love to all–and if you are in the bitter cold regions, keep warm and safe.

    • Thank you LovedaJackass (I did too :D) Yes I am in the bitter cold region…42 mph winds today with sideways snow!!! I attended my BFF’s daughter’s beautiful wedding today in the bitter cold…my friend was scared to take me…thought it would hurt my soul…I felt Blessed to be in company and then BLESSED to feel such love.

      I don’t know who Annabel is but I get that you are proud 😀 I bet you are a big part of why Annabel will succeed! 😀

  • 84 degrees in Sunny Southern California, so sending warm wishes to our snow lovelies. Congrats go out to our lucky winners, I loved them all as they gave me something to laugh about. CN truly is a very witty, funny, articulate bunch—my favorite lines were findingmyself’s “his affairs weren’t the issue, you see The problem was actually me,” whatthefuckever’s “It was all about YOU and not ‘us’,” Karma Express’ “New Age Norton…” The Muse’s “I loved you, you ass” and the one that makes me laugh, Fiestypants’ “I want your pudding Oh damn you auto-correct! I bang big poodles” LOL, right!?!? So, in awe of the talent displayed and to those who made several-and I do mean several 😉 -entries I was very impressed by those as well. Happy Valentine’s Day Chumps! This was the day my ex proposed and I look back on it and think it wasn’t such a great day but today it didn’t hurt so much. Twenty eight years with a guy who never recognized what he had. So, NOT missing him and am happy to be on my own this Valentine’s Day. Spent a little time with family, and painted, and my beautiful son made me dinner. Life is good.

  • Dear CL and CN,
    I can’t believe I have a CL cartoon of a soap dish!!!! I am going to frame it with the poem as a reminder that life really is better without the cheaters. I can’t thank everyone enough for all the kindness and support, for CL to run this web site and help remind us life does get better. This poetry contest was cathartic and reading all the fabulous entries was great fun! What a creative community. We do deserve better in life and thank you CL for reminding us daily that we do. Happy V-day to all.

  • The contest was great! He’s not a germaphobe but my STBX used to call me on Saturdays when I was out at yard sales (last remaining hobby after years of making my needs small) and demand that I come home to clean. Most of the time he was gone for the day/weekend with his ho when he called me with these demands. He does have a big set of balls, I will give him that – can’t wait until my lawyer crushes ’em in court! And I never have to hear another “You need to…” demand from him. He needs to go fuck his disordered self.

    • Ex was always cleaning and grooming himself in the bathroom. One of the signs he was cheating, now that I look back was that he would drop me off and pull out the dental floss before driving away. He always wanted to know where I was so we wouldn’t run into the OW. There were so many limitations on where we could go! I always got, “You need to call..”. I love the ball crusher image!

  • I feel bad for hookers.

    Nobody grows up hoping to fuck a million men and catch and spread diseases for money. How fitting that cheaters use these broken souls as an outlet for their objectification of other people. It truly is all about what cheaters want when they want it.

    Cheaters are the scum of (hu)mankind.

    • My cartoon notwithstanding, I agree with you. I feel sorry for hookers as well. Given the global scale of sexual trafficking, I don’t think you can argue that all sex workers are there by choice. I wish law enforcement would do more to go after the people who hire hookers, and the pimps, than the hookers themselves.

  • Still lurking here when I get the chance. (Trying to gain a life – and a new lawyer) I sooo needed these laughs!! Thank you mighty Chump Nation!!

  • I realize this is not the right place for this but……..when you google “adultery blogs” you see one from a woman titled “other woman no more”. She had a three year affair with a married man, had an abortion at his request, allowed him to move part time into her home and spend lots of time together with her family and friends. He and his wife separated, she got most of the money and he got stuck owing the IRS. All of a sudden he dumps the girlfriend and reconciles with the wife. Ah, love! It, or money, make the world go around. I can’t decide which woman is the chumpiest, the wife for taking him back or the OW for believing in his twoo wuv. I’m guessing his real attachment is to the money he owes.

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