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Dear Beyonce

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Dear Beyonce,

What’s happened to you, Sasha Fierce?

You are the last person on earth I’d take for a chump, and here you are, 6 months after those cheating divorce rumors, still married to Jay Z. What gives?

All The Single Ladies? Irreplaceable? Independent Women?

Have you forgotten: “Try to control me and you’ll get dismissed/Always 50-50 in relationships”? or “To the left, to the left, everything you own in the box to the left”?

Okay, I know you’re not your song lyrics, but Beyonce, independent-doesn’t-take-shit is your BRAND. Have you forsaken your badass self? Where did she go? She seems to have been replaced with a chump lamenting “Tired of the Lies.”

“You smile through the tears,” the song lyrics read. “In the mirror you would stare and say a prayer like, ‘I wish he said I’m beautiful.’”

“I wish it didn’t hurt at all,” the song continues. “I don’t know how I got here. I was once the one who had his heart. Until you had enough. Then you took that ring off …. So tired of the lies and trying and fighting and crying. You took that finger.”

Beyonce, please give your cheating husband the MIDDLE finger. Fuck him. You don’t need him to tell you you’re beautiful, you’ve got every sentient creature on the planet to tell you that. Have you LOOKED at yourself? If you were any more beautiful, you’d arise from sea foam on a Botticelli half shell. You don’t need this loser.

Frankly, I think your problem is you’re just a little too perfect. When you sung the National Anthem for those reporters and hit every note?  Bravo. When you sang “At Last” for the President and First Lady? Swoon. So what, you need to be part of a “power couple” too? You need some celebrity thug and alleged baby daddy, who has admitted to shooting and stabbing people to complete you? You think you NEED that guy?

It’s a wonder Jay Z’s head doesn’t topple into the Hudson River and form a new land mass from sheer conceit. When Harry Belafonte criticized you both for having “turned [your] backs on social responsibility,” Jay Z responded:

“I’m offended by that because first of all, and this is going to sound arrogant, but my presence is charity. Just who I am. Just like Obama’s is. Obama provides hope.”

His very presence is charity?

Why not deposit him at the nearest Salvation Army and take the tax credit?

Beyonce, you are worth $450 million all by yourself. Time to stop fronting “perfection” with the raging narcissist. Go buy yourself some imperfection and humility. It’s okay.

Instead, you let your sister Solange eat the shit sandwich for you. After she clocked Jay Z in an elevator for cheating on you, it was spackle time with the press. “Oh, everything’s fine now.” Bullshit. At least your sister has the strength of character to get righteously pissed off on your behalf. Why don’t you take her lead?

Sniping at Jay Z at your concerts with thinly veiled song lyrics just looks passive aggressive.

Frankly, I think part of the problem is you’re getting the wrong advice. According to the Boston Herald, you’ve aligned yourself with none other than Gwyneth “consciously uncoupled” Paltrow.

Beyonce turned to none other than “conscious uncoupling” guru Gwyneth Paltrow, one of the few celeb guests at her 2008 wedding. Beyonce crashed at Paltrow’s L.A. mansion in early August.

“She’s a great friend on every level,” Beyonce gushed of her BFF last year. Her other trusted adviser, as always, is her mother, Tina Knowles. The House of Dereon matriarch had been urging her to reconcile with Jay Z, says a source, “but if the choice came down to splitting, she’d support her.”

Beyonce, your mother was an epic chump to your father’s philandering and drug use. Go explore the FOO issues. And Gwyneth Paltrow? She’s as flaky as gluten-free pie crust. The woman bragged to the masses about steaming her vagina.

“The real golden ticket here is the Mugwort V-Steam. You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al.”

MUGWORT? You would take advice from this woman? Stop drinking the kale smoothies and walk away from this nutter.

Beyonce,  I’m telling you chump-to-chump, mother-to-mother, curly-haired mess to curly-haired mess — you’re better than this.

Ask yourself — what would Sasha Fierce do?

Your friend,

Tracy

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Remember…it’s NOT how you look or how old you are. It’s THEIR character. Pick up your bad self and GET MIGHTY!

      • I totally agree! Chumplady, you’ve got serious talent. Never stop writing. I love the book too. A guide to sanity. 🙂

        • I bought a copy for my chumpulous aunt.

          She goes to dinners with her X, whose name she still has, and his scornful significant other, whom he now secretly detests. The “language” was probably not her favorite, but she said that she appreciated the book.

          Guess who her sons admire more?

  • Well, it just goes to show you, doesn’t it, how little the quality of the chump actually matters. Those of us who think we weren’t pretty enough or rich enough or interesting enough (or anything-enough) need only look at someone like Beyoncé (or Halle Berry, or Sienna Miller, or Elizabeth Hurley, or… or… or….) to realize IT’S NOT US!!!! IT’S THEM!!!!

    I hope she finds her inner Sasha Fierce and boots his ass to the curb. What an inspiration that would be for young women everywhere.

    • NWB, yes, that is the important takeaway message–that it’s them, not us! However, Sienna Miller may be a chump but she is also a cheater and an OW. She cheated on Jude Law with Daniel Craig, and then she got involved with a married man with four children. Regarding dating the married man, she is quoted as saying, “I probably seem like a particularly not nice person…I do think sometimes people get morally superior without understanding situations.” It doesn’t take much imagination to know what the UBT would have to say about that.

    • Exactly. I think the fact that He cheated on Beyoncé added to his ego boost. Now he can walk around and boast “I cheated on BEYONCÉ”. To some cheaters, cheating on someone fabulous feeds their ego. It’s like saying ” I’m so awesome I cheated on Marilyn Monroe”

  • I’ve just written a response on Chump Lady’s Facebook page- have you liked the page yet? I believe that Beyonce is an example of “dumbing down” of the masses. Her marketing and branding consists of meaningless slogans a la “I’m a survivor”; “I’m a feminist” but hold no water AT ALL. She’s obviously more concerned about her public persona of miss perfect more than truly inspiring young women. A slogan isn’t going to inspire me. Show me that you live what you preach. By the way, she doesn’t have to save money in order to escape an abusive relationship, does she??

    • Hell no. I think she could afford a few high-priced lawyers.

      I like her music. I wish she would live her purported ideals, however. But it looks like she’s stuck in chumpdom. Frankly, I think “perfection” keeps a lot of chumps stuck. She’s got a worse case than most of us, probably because she’s got more to work with on the talent, supernatural beauty fronts.

        • I don’t like Kanye or JayZ. But at least Kanye is interesting. JayZ seems so disinterested in everything. Like he’s above it all.

            • In my classes when I ask for an example of someone who is ‘successful’ but still a jerk, students almost always name Kanye or Donald!

      • I bet every woman here or at least 50% of us, would raise our hands, (our single lady hands) and say we are feminists. In my case I would say I am a bad ass feminist. That being said, feminism, and all of the rhetoric becomes very hard to reconcile, when as a feminist you bring these other traits with you, like the ability to work incredibly hard for what you want, the abitlity to be kind and compassionate, the ability to see a better place for the females of our species but without a clear road map on how to get there. We are all on the cutting edge of what that statement means. Equal pay for equal work is an easy metric, just look at a pay stub. Equality in life with men who we are dragging into this brave new world is another thing, because the feminist/equality acts are so small and so daily. Now, cheating is not a small daily act of unfairness, I KNOW that but how many of us have wrestled with all that BS that it is better for children to come from an intact family, better for them to have a douchy dad than no dad, better for them to have a home than a mother who is dumpster diving. I believe Beyonce is a feminist. I also believe she is about 32. She is trying to balance the whole black father thing, the feminist thing, the mom thing… granted she has way more resources than we do but even when you are famous, it still takes a lot to trust he sucks, trust in your mighty bad ass self. So here is to you Beyonce… you can do this. You can kick this entitled asshole to the curb. You can pull a Katie Holmes and keep your child safe and raised in a sane and authentic enviroment. Chump Nation, we have your back.

        • Beyonce is a narcissist. Sasha fierce is her alter ego when she gets on stage. She’s playing victim with lemonade so her female fans can buy her album. It’s about sales. She doesn’t give a fuck about jay z. She just likes the power. Who’s richer than B. Is she gonna marry a regular Man? She wants it all so she has to give up some things to have it all. A woman with that type of work life will need time to hunt a faithful husband. Time she doesn’t seek. She would rather have her money and her fans. She doesn’t need love from a man. She loves herself infinitely.

  • Rich, Middle Class or Poor. Famous or Average Joe — it doesn’t matter — anyone can be a chump.

    I am not nor have I ever been a fan of Beyonce because I have always felt she’s nothing more than a hologram. She tells a good story via her songs lyrics but there’s nothing more to it than that. She is not a woman of her word. Sorry if this offends but I do not view her as a role model. Although I do commend her sister for calling out Jay-Z’s on his shit. Perhaps the real role model is the sister.

    • Just another woman who has never known what its like to not be able to pay the rent…. or buy food. She is non-authentic because she has not been there – and fought through. That is when everything changes – including anyone you allow in your life.

      • I wish I could make my 17 year old see she doesn’t have to be perfect

        (though it wouldn’t hurt if she were nicer to her mother).

  • I wish for HER that she’d dump his sorry ass. But the lesson I take away is that no matter how beautiful, rich, or famous you are, you can still be blindsided, traumatized, and frozen in your tracks. She has a heart–is a human being– just like the rest of us, and this is some difficult shit.

  • OMFG. First off, I had no idea this was even going on–call me social media retarded, but I am completely unaware of this situation with Jay-Z. Then again, I detested him from the beginning, so maybe I just block out anything that has to do with them.

    How many of Bey’s songs got me through, particularly “Survivor”! (yeah, Destiny’s Child, but whatever. It’s Bey preaching it!)

    Beyonce—my XH told me after our FIRST CHRISTMAS together—and I didn’t get so much as a card, let alone a gift….

    “My presence is gift enough.” This is a true story and anyone in my family can attest to it, because I had the wind knocked out of me so hard I couldn’t breathe the whole holiday. They saw my face after I had searched and searched for the perfect thing to get my new husband on our first Christmas together.

    Oh. He got his brother nail clippers, his mother a pair of $5 Isotoner gloves from the clearance bin the day after Christmas—and he pretty much picked a fight on every single holiday that meant anything to anyone besides him (HIS BIRTHDAY).

    DUMP HIM, Bey. Money does not purchase love or respect. Having children with a cheating fucktard does NOT bring him to heel. It only brings another innocent life into a horrendous situation and I call irresponsible bullshit on anybody who does this deliberately (a child will save this marriage).

    This is about money and image—she’s bought into the same machine that many celebs do, as well as us common folk—we like the lifestyle, we like the perks and the attention, we like being top of the hill. We discussed drug addiction yesterday, and the high that you get from constant adoration fits this description as well.

    I think this is why we find it so difficult to break away from the love bombers–the ones who engulf and entangle, know exactly what to say/when to say it (when they are losing their grip on you)—-it’s a high. They’re addicted to the power, and we’re addicted to the false praise.

    • My mother doesn’t get anyone Christmas gifts, but that isn’t enough, she has to verbally make a big deal out of how she’s not getting Christmas gifts for anyone. My sister and I get her gifts. I thought about not getting her a gift last year, but decided against it because one of the things I like about Christmas is getting other people gifts.

      Narcissists are so weird with that withholding crap. It’s so unpleasant. Sorry he was such a jerk to you.

    • Sphinx……..my XPOS was very generous with me AND all his women!! His stripper and I got matching sapphire & diamond rings on the very same Christmas! How sweet of him!
      They were nice but gifts didn’t matter to me, all I wanted was his love. He in fact even with his cheating always gave nice presents, mostly (though one year I went from getting $5000 for turning 50 to $200 the next year when he was cheating!!!) Hmmm…maybe he was trying to say something!
      I think what bothered me most was that he ALWAYS found very beautiful cards and underlined words to emphasize certain things that meant something from him. And I went from this to no cards at all with him saying ‘I know, I’m just an asshole’. UHHHHHH……….YES YOU ARE!!!

  • I actually wish that Hillary Clinton would divorce Bill. She is smart, educated, successful, rich, and her child is an adult; there is no reason for her to stay married to him, and I think she could continue to build a successful career without him. By staying with him, she is helping to normalize infidelity, especially when it was so well known and publicly humiliating and she prides herself on being a feminist.

    • young, they all love the “power” and the benefits that come with it. I bet behind closed doors Hillary would despise Bill but they present a united front in public. They have more power as a couple than as singles.

    • I SO agree, young. Hillary was the first person I thought of when I read today’s post. I admire her and mostly agree with her politics but it is time for her leave Bill behind. There is no doubt he’s a narc. If she wins the White House, Bill’s extra-curricular activities will once again attract the attention of the media and she will be humiliated all over again. Time for Beyonce and Hillary to be mighty – they are both better than this!

  • So “Drunk in Love” was the ultimate PICK ME dance?
    Jay Z even raps about Ike Turner abusing Tina Turner (eat the cake – an infamous episode from a terribly abusive marriage). It always seemed an odd (and offensive) thing to bring up in the middle of the song. Is it a threat?

  • …Mugwort V-Steam? ….What?

    Does anyone else think that sounds like it’s full of shit? I mean, come on, sitting on a “mini-throne” that steam cleans your uterus? Is she joking? If someone told me that, I would laugh.

    Whoever invented those things must be really good at convincing rich people to buy stupid crap.

    • It IS stupid, and dangerous to boot. Even douching with too warm of water will change the pH and normal self regulating function of the vaginal canal. As far as cleansing your uterus? Hehehe….hate to tell Ms. Consciously Uncoupled that unless she can dilate her fucking cervix for this procedure (which, by the way is extremely uncomfortable and painful and requires a physician’s intervention)—she ain’t gettin’ steam nowhere near her uterus.

      She needs to take a basic anatomy and physiology class, along with getting some very serious psychotherapy.

      I can’t stand her.

      • Seriously, right? She’d be better served just sticking one of those power-washer hoses up there and letting it blast.

      • That’s what I was thinking. Unless she’s shoving some kind of hose up there, she’s not steaming anything other than what’s on the outside. For what purpose, I don’t know.

        And the vagina doesn’t need to be steam-cleaned anyway. It’s a self-cleaning organ with a very delicate ph balance and shooting/steaming/basting/washing it with fancy soaps or oils or what have you isn’t good for it. She doesn’t need to be doing anything other than basic showering to keep it healthy. There’s really no point to buying a fucking “V-steam” or whatever the hell it’s called.

      • Probably the only time her “V” is steaming! She seems like someone who would be a limp rag in bed or filing her nails behind whomever’s back while screwing! No way of knowing, but it seems like she puts herself far above such “base” instincts.

      • SphinxMoth you are so right. I’m a CST and I about choked when I read ” steam clean your uterus”. That baby is sealed shut, unless you are dialated. What a crock of horseshit. A case of too much money and not enough brains. Sheesh.

  • I guess I’m a social retard too because I didn’t know any of this. I’m with Chump Lady. Dump his narcissistic ass Beyonce! So many young women look up to her so what a message that would send if she looked him in the eye and said “My presence is too good for you now!”

    Just so sad that there are so many chumps in the world-even celebrities. I only know one man who doesn’t think she’s beautiful and that would be the ex asshat. He actually made fun of her on a TV appearance because her “thighs were too heavy.” He was such an awesome physical specimen himself with his flabby beer gut, chicken legs, pasty white-over freckled skin and moobs that he paid to have corrected with moob reduction surgery.

    Narcs really are all alike!

    • Cheaterssuck……the XPOS didn’t like her either. BUT now I think he was full of shit. He likes anything with a hole.

    • My husband and I yawn at the sound of her name. She can’t sing. (bring back En Vogue).

      Ok, she’s got a couple of signature moves that dancers know to create these days. She wears a hair weave. and interviews she is so effing boring.

      My sister won’t hear a bad word about her. she thinks she walks on water and JayZ took her to the next level. (don’t call him an ugly a$$ SOB)

      I find celebrities interesting but I do not find them role models.

  • I think my takeaway is that it seems easy before cheating – dump his ass, sistah! But when it actually happens, TO YOU! WTF???? It isn’t quite as cut and dried as leave a cheater, gain a life. I know most of the people here had utter narc arseholes for exes. I had a unicorn. He was – and still is – genuinely aghast at what he did. Transparent. Supportive as I grappled with what he visited on us all. And it took years for me to get to the point where I knew I would NEVER recover. So, as one Independent Woman who was devastated that she found she still fucking loved a cheater – who really is a “good guy” – but who visited utter destruction on a previously fantastic twenty-two years – it’s easy to preach it until you have to live it.i hate Beyonce. Strutting about in swimwear, shaking your arse is no feminism I want a part of

  • “My presence is gift enough.” “…my presence is charity.”
    My family would break out in snorts and giggles whenever my cheater would say or make similar comments. Then we all realized he absolutely meant it. Jay Z was at least a little clued in to the arrogance of that statement. Although he very much meant it. My cheater…not so much.
    Without that dang humility, there is no true remorse. Hard lesson.

  • Beyonce, like everyone else, has swallowed the “save the marriage at the cost of your own life and heart” Kool-Aid. Like so many other chumps, she wants to be part of a couple (a power couple). She wants her child to be from an intact home. And she lets her physically beautiful, big-hearted, immensely talented self be diminished by a hyena. Imagine Beyonce with a man who has values, who truly wants to give back. That bitch (meant with love, sister) could change the world.

    • And, Beyonce, by the way, put in a call to Sandra Bullock, whose picker chose an obviously f*&%ed up hyena who seeks out porn stars and other cheater pants partners. She was brutally, publicly chomped, at the height of her career, just as “they” had adopted a child. And she dumped his loser ass, moved away, and went on with her life, her career and her charity work. It isn’t easy out there for women who are beautiful, talented, strong and successful. But it’s better to be alone than to sleep with a hyena and all his hyena-partners.

    • Also Beyonce has been with Jay Z since she was a teenager, I believe 19. So he is pretty much all she knows. He is nearly 12 or so years older than her soooo….you all draw your own conclusions.

  • One more thing: she obviously has daddy issues. Her mother openly said in interviews that “as a Chistian” she didn’t want to divorce Beyonce’s father even after multiple affairs on his part. Sorry, but that’s just family pathology at play. The great Maya Angelou said “You know better. You do better.”
    CL, is Hilary Clinton next? That’s another hypocrite, although with much much higher IQ.

    • I still believe that Bill and Hilary have an agreement. She didn’t just stand by Bill, she helped him cover. I’m not going to call her a hypocrite because I don’t know that she is. Beyonce has played this shit out in the public view so we pretty much know she is not on board with the situation and yet stays.

      • I’ve often wondered if the writers of House of Cards modeled the relationship between Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright (aka Frank and Claire Underwood) after the Clintons. They are very open with their dalliances and seem to have an unspoken arrangement.

    • I don’t know what to make of Hilary Clinton. I think Dat’s take on it is right — they’re political animals. She’s where she wants to be — in office.

      • IMO it seems like both Bill & Hillary have done their fair share of cheating in many ways, not just on each other.
        Now I realize that politics is the honey to Narcissistic politician bees that love the limelight. Like moths to a flame.
        It seems like none of them (or very few) do not have this quality of narcissism.
        Remember the “Appalachian Trail?” How far out was that crap?
        I was reminded of it listening to Hilary defend this current email thing by saying what I took as “you should trust me because I am Hilary. Need I say more?”.

      • It’s a kind of dynastic marriage but instead of kingdoms or fortunes, they have political ambitions, a foundation, and financial backers. It probably didn’t start out that way. Hillary was probably like many young women; she admired his brain, likes his looks, and fell in love with him, thinking that dog would “settle down.” Fat chance.

  • It’s amazing how we look at any little kindness towards our Chumpy self as a sign they DO love us (mine made me a sandwich before going to the OW – he MUST love me!). I guess we are so hungry for validation that we are in the relationship together that we accept crumbs.

    • Qwerty…..can I get crumbs over here too please!! I love crumbs! Gimme some, gimme some!!!
      Sad but must be true for me. ILK!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Yes women are steaming their vaginas…and meanwhile our education system is going down the shitter…and kids are going hungry everyday.
    And if I see Gwyneth and guru in the same sentence again…I will honestly give up on humanity. Unconsciously uncoupling is just BS talk for the truth…fucking smoke screen and mirrors…she is just avoiding the usual media smear campaign…my guess is she consulted with a lawyer and her macrobiotic eating yogi to find a clever statement to release about her divorce.Doesn’t she sound nouveau and so enlightened….gag. Cause now everyone feels better that their union was somehow undone by the universe vs the cold hard truth of a divorce.That shit is fodder for the UBT.
    .

  • I remember a while back, on American Idol, Jennifer Lopez was doing some sexy dance in front of her then husband, Marc Antony. I thought to myself, “there’s no way the rest of us can compete with something like that. They must really love each other. “. Then, a short time later, they announced they were divorcing. I think public images are just that, images.

  • Here’s a great quote from Infidelity Help Group about celebrities who are cheated on “The faithful partner doesn’t cause infidelity. They don’t cause it, drive someone to it, or deserve it. The choice to cheat is not a mistake, it’s not because you failed to meet their needs, and it’s not because you didn’t look like Halle Berry or Guy Ritchie [or Beyonce]. CHEATERS cause infidelity and their choice to cheat is about what THEY are not, not what YOU are not. Cheaters are not honest, they’re not respectful, they’re not honorable, and they’re not ethical.] I think this covers what JayZ is not as well. I cannot get over his comment about his presence being charity. I think I need a shower after that one. Blech!

  • Personally, I don’t see Beyonce as a paragon of virtue herself. Her music videos leave little to the imagination concerning her body. That said, that does NOT mean she deserves such treatment. Divorce seems very appropriate here. Jay-Z is clearly full of himself.

    I wonder if she is hard pressed to leave Jay-Z because of her FOO issues. Looks like to me that she is still seeking her father’s blessing pursuing the male gaze/validation. Regardless, I hope she does find the courage to set the boundaries her music states.

  • Early this morning I added a comment to yesterday’s post on Sex Addiction. I don’t want to repeat myself and bore any of you, but I will say that my added comment there leads into my following comment about Beyonce and her choices.

    People who are considered “newsworthy” by our media system live in a spotlight that tries to catch them in “off” moments. That is part of the price of celebrity, evidently, whether it is any of our business or not. So celebrities play a game called “control the narrative” with the press. What information will I release, or admit to, and what cover story or twist/spin will I put on my release of the information? If you know something bad is going to come out — most likely my cheating husband has been caught cheating — then how do you spin that while you are making up your celebrity mind about how you want to handle that info. Famous “couples” generate mega bucks in product endorsements and media sales. You have to realize that these people are a business as well as a married couple. There have been many, many, many BS unions that were instigated for the love of money instead of love. Sometimes the “cost” of a divorce has to be calculated, and if you have children, you also may want to calculate the emotional cost of public humiliation and scrutiny of “outing” their father as a cheating fucktard. The other thing to consider, particularly with this couple, is they LOVE PUBLICITY of any type, and they are not beyond putting out false rumors to generate intense interest in their next tour or recording project. Drama, drama, drama. So what is the truth? We may never know, and it is probably not our business. I realize she has taken on the persona of a representative for the feminist narrative — but really, there are enough conflicting story lines there to write a whole new blog. Let’s just say she doesn’t represent MY feminist viewpoint. She also doesn’t have to represent anything in particular, as long as she is doing what she wants to and making her living the way she wants to — she can afford to have many, many choices. If you like a song, or her music — great. Every song doesn’t have to be a feminist anthem. I know most of the words to “Stand By Your Man” — I think it’s a classic country ballad that is representative of it’s time, and poor old Tammy Wynette had plenty to sing about while married to George Jones. But it doesn’t represent my thoughts on marriage.

    The last point I will make is women who are pretty, and/or powerful, and/or talented, and/or related to a family who is any or all of the above go thru life with a different set of expectations for the way they will be treated than the rest of us — the more ordinary mortals. That expectation of being treated in a special way sets them up for some really hard falls, because that beauty or talent or power does not insulate them from being used by a con artist, or pairing with a narcissist. Many people love to see them fall,from grace, and revel in their pain. They point and say — “you are not so special now.” Really, NONE of us is so special. I’m not saying any of us deserve to be treated poorly — just that pain is pain is pain, no matter who feels it. Some of us may be more surprised than others, because we have not experienced pain early in life. It still hurts. There are plenty of examples that the rich and famous have terrible pickers when it comes to “love connections.” Why do we think it will be any different for them? It ties back into the old viewpoint that the victim must have done something wrong, or to deserve the treatment they got. No one deserves that kind of treatment. Users use you as long as they can get away with it, no matter who you are. What you do with that information, once you figure out you are being used, is up to you.

    • Good points, Portia. They know they’re the king and queen of hip-hop and they don’t want to lose that. They’re more than a couple, they’re a business.

      • If you know any musicians, even the modestly successful local types who didn’t “make it” are often on the narcissist end of the behavioral scale. I wouldn’t lump them all into the character disorder bin, though.

    • Portia, excellent post as usual, and I agree. Plus, would like to add that as we know, abusive partners slowly but surely wear you down in both self esteem and power over time. I am sure the Beyoncé that came into that relationship with Jay-Z is not the same woman we see today. We know better than many how the mindfuckery and gaslighting make you question your sanity and your trust of your own gut. Just because she has fame & money does not mean she is not feeling the same crap we have felt. Confusion and depression.
      He could be making her feel she is not the most gorgeous, or the most talented & reminding her he has many suitors-which I am sure she sees on her own. He has other talents he found that are younger (like Rihanna) and he could be making her feel threatened for his own ego or just for shits & giggles. He can take down a “survivor” he is a real man.
      Everyone that has her endorsing their products plus her mother & many others probably are telling her to stay and focusing on what she will lose.) Boy I bet we all wish we had more to split, unlikely a cool billion like these two now have.)
      I am sure he has many suitors with all that money, and I am sure she can’t be sure what he is up to when not with her.
      Sounds like hell really, but we have all lived our version.
      All I can say is I came in like a lion to my marriage and crawled out with a kitten with a whimper all worn out!! It is insidious. The abuse is cumulative and not always easy to see in the beginning. You just think you can’t understand what they need, and when you do all will be well!
      I agree that many such relationships are/could be business arrangements, or turn into them over time even if they did not start out that way.

      • With regard to the spouse’s suitors — I have always wondered about women who delude themselves while they chase married men, thinking “he is choosing me over her” — like they are somehow better than the wife. I think some women go after specific husbands because they have some type of a grudge against the wife. Meanwhile, the cheating husband is choosing the free ride, while hiding it from the wife. He doesn’t want to give up his real life, or his real wife, he just wants some strange that is offered to him without effort on his part. FREE CAKE! I also wonder how a woman who has seduced a husband away from a wife can delude herself that he will not cheat on her? He’s already given her plenty of evidence that he can and will cheat. There are just so many things I do not understand about this dynamic. I know that men can do the same things, so I don’t think it is just a woman’s issue. I guess what bothers me the most is that this kind of stuff treats sex like a game — a team sport. You keep score, and if one player is indisposed or timed out, you just send in another player. It is all about the score — no one plays by the rules, the only important thing is “winning” — like Charlie Sheen. Did he look/act like a winner to you? Why do “players” think their actions are “cool”? I mean, really, do you think someone imagines that they can become Beyonce just by sleeping with Jay Z? Seriously?

        • I don’t even think many APs need to know the spouse. It’s just the need to compete, to come out on top. Maybe it’s a FOO thing for some, like reliving sibling rivalry or something. Or they may be narcissists who feed on any demonstration of their specialness. Win a prize, get a raise, have your kid make the Honor Roll, break up a marriage. All the same.

          • What are they thinking? My cheating ex promised his little trollop the house I’d saved for years to buy, searched a year to find and spent 12 years fixing. She wanted what I had, and to take it from me. Win win! The next divorce was on file two years after mine was final. As has been pointed out time and time again, if he will cheat With you, he will cheat On you. Oh, and he’ll expect you to handle all those delegated tasks his first wife did, without complaint. And to do whatever he wants because you are as disposable as you thought the last one was.

  • “And Gwyneth Paltrow? She’s as flaky as gluten-free pie crust. The woman bragged to the masses about steaming her vagina. “The real golden ticket here is the Mugwort V-Steam. You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al.”

    “MUGWORT? You would take advice from this woman? Stop drinking the kale smoothies and walk away from this nutter.”

    bahahahaha well said. I don’t pay attention to the pop star stuff so I didn’t even know this was an issue. Hopefully she finds your site!

  • A lot of sources are reporting that Jay-Z was cheating on Beyonce with Rhianna… a woman with superb taste in men.

  • It’s interesting to think of Beyonce’s sister getting righteously angry at JZ for cheating on her sister.

    I can remember being shell shocked and numb for months after D-day. My mother, on the other hand, had enough outrage for both of us. Whenever I’d need to get pumped for a legal proceeding I’d call my mom and listen to her yell about what a jerk my STBX was and how I needed to get away from him. It always made me feel a little stronger, but it didn’t last for long.

    About 6 months after D-day I got to the point where I finally became furiously mad. I was so angry I scared myself. It was like living in a raging inferno that had to burn itself out. In some ways I hated the anger and in other ways I loved it, because anger is a forward moving emotion. It’s hard to feel paralyzed when you’re on fire.

    Anyway, sometimes we have to rely on others to shove us in the right direction when we don’t have the strength to do it ourselves. That’s why Chump Nation appreciates you so much! I’m not sure whether Beyonce will read your post, but if she does, I hope she takes your advice.

    • Lyn, I have one good friend that was there for me telling me over and over lose the cheater. He hated her and blamed our problems on our friendship. Talk about control, after reconciling he convinced me she was interfering with our relationship. He convinced my children that she was twisted. After five years of continued cheating she was sitting right next to me in court. For whatever reasons we tolerate this abuse having her next to me gave me the strength I needed. No one is immune to infidelity. I wish someone in my family gave x a punch in the face. My sister asked me if I minded if he continued doing work at her house. Thanks sister. I’ll stick with those who are loyal regardless if they steam their vagina.

      • Wow, are there other ways that sister of yours has stabbed you in the back? I guess whatever’s more convenient for HER, right? I wouldn’t trust her. And I wouldn’t go out of my way nor sacrifice anything of any value–including/especially my time–for her. Wow.

  • I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to have found this site. Up until 3 days ago, I was a complete chump..believing all of the BS and still moving forward with my marriage. I am no longer blind and I credit each of you with my decision to leave and believe in myself. I am a nervous wreck..I have cried and I have laughed. In the meantime, I’m putting on a happy face to the massage parlor loving, stripper fucking fucktard and plan to take him for all I can. His money will not hold me or my 5 children hostage to his abuse and rage. Thank you again..and I can’t wait to share more, but you will laugh (and cry) because you cannot make this shit up!

    • Nolagirl–welcome, though I’m sorry you have to be here. You are going to go through days of pain and rage before this is all done, but you’re headed in the right direction. COPY everything financial, run a credit check of both of you to detect hidden accounts, etc. and get your legal/financial ducks lined up asap so you can escape the situation.

      If you haven’t already, join the Private forums so that you can post there and get support.

      Hugs to you.

      • I appreciate all of the kind words. Now, I must put on my best Stepford wife impression and feed Mr. Me so Horny his kibbles ; )

        • Welcome Nola… Sorry that you are a part of our club. May your suffering end soon. You will find a wealth of knowledge and support here. Read … Learn … Unload …and share. Welcome to Chump Nation !!!

    • Sorry you are here Nolagirl, but this is the best group of people to get you through this. Welcome to the Chump Nation. We got your back. And do every single thing Tempest said to do. Collect financials, any paper trail, any evidence of his spending money on hookers, massage parlors, strippers etc. And document document document. Start saving cash. Put it aside, you will need it. I have 5 children also. You can do this!

    • You are MIGHTY!

      Yes, as Beyonce’s example shows us, the rich, beautiful, and talented can be Chumped. The excuses used by our cheaters about how the muffin top made them do it? We see that these excuses are simple bullshit.

      Cheating is a choice.

      Get your ducks lined up. Hire the best divorce lawyer you can afford, and file when you’re ready.

      Be prepared for many crocodile tears as he swears that he truly loves only you (but is pretty happy to have sex with anyone else). Stay strong, lose the cheater, gain a life.

    • Nolagirl- Sorry you are have to be here, but glad you found the support. Read everything you can on here and get into individual counseling. It will help you with clarity for your situation. Many hugs!!!

  • Welcome, Nolagirl. The road to a new life is long and difficult, but what choice to we have? If NOLA can recover from Katrina, you and your family can recover from a marriage to that lame-ass cheater.

    • Nomar…so so true. I have been with Hurricane Asshole for too many years. I will recover but I will struggle and I am scared to death.

      • It is scary, but it is liberating (only 2 weeks divorced, and I feel better). One foot in front of the other….

        • Guess when all the dust eventually settles, we shall see who the real “chump” is. Odds are, it isn’t going to be me. Fingers crossed!

      • Being scared to death can be exhilarating and motivating, too. It’s natural to be scared, but don’t let it deter you. Let it push you. You’ll be amazed at how much you accomplish in just a short time!

  • Hi chumplady I was really happy when I saw today’s post. I have been following Beyoncé s journey with infidelity. I was hoping you would broach the subject, how can someone as beautiful and successful put up with being publicly humiliated by a glorified thug? It seems their relationship is doing better. I wonder if problems will flare up in the near future again…since as we all know cheaters can’t keep their dicks in their pants. I just friended u on Facebook, please accept request from princess amadis.

  • I think a large part of why she hasn’t left yet is because she is an adherent of “The Rules”. This is a dating and marriage philosophy put forth by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (therulesbook.com). There is a lot I find helpful about this philosophy – explained mathematically in terms of relationships, it raises the CPI (cost per interaction) to the point that those with poor impulse control, cheaters, beaters, and the unmotivated weed themselves out in the process. However, a drawback of their approach is that it doesn’t weed out alpha male types/narcissists – in fact, most of the women in the support groups I’ve belonged to are openly and aggressively looking for that alpha male type. As we all know from long and painful experience, they may be rich and famous… but they’re often Mr. Narkles. It’s also about setting goals and achieving them. She may have decided that she’s willing to pay the price to remain married to him – like Hillary – because he is of more use to her in their existing framework even though he’s been cheating. At her level, she is going to find that her selection of available dates in a hypothetical post Jay-Z world is a] limited and b] probably another Mr. Narkles anyway. A former friend of mine who was a rock star groupie told me that she’d never met a professional musician yet who was faithful to his wife/partner/girlfriend. Hollywood “reality” and “morality” are very different from what we experience down here in NormalVille. Yet some do eventually wise up. Jo Wood took decades to come out of the fog, so there’s hope.

    • I just rid myself of an alpha male. Probably will never meet anyone his equal in the Narkles department, but I’d rather live alone than live lonely. There’s no room for intimacy in marriage with such people; their ego crowds out everything worthwhile.

      • Tempest, me too. He wasn’t the sparkly type, more of a poor sausage. But HUGELY alpha male. Big, good looking, big head, forehead, jaw, penetrating green eyes, muscled, deep voice, highly opinionated and contemptuous of other people’s opinions. Really, if I’d thought about it, what good could possibly come of a relationship w/a guy like that? He didn’t even try to pretend to be nice or warm or caring …. I somehow managed to imagine a good heart underneath, anyway! Maybe because of the poor sausageness. Really, when will I learn that ‘sensitive’ can mean ‘very very very sensitive and and touchy about anything about ME, but totally insensitive to anybody else!” Sheesh, the amounts of spackle I’ve spread ….

        • Aah, yes, KarenE. I was convinced mine was vulnerable, too, but only showed it around me. But then the insensitivity to me would ebb & flow, and I have finally realized that his ‘vulnerability’ was a way to get more kibbles from me, or when his impression management had failed because he had been a general asshole to someone and was now reaping the consequences.

        • And, yes, the spackle–I could have built an entire adobe 5-bedroom mansion with the spackle I needed over 25 years.

  • Ok, so I finally went ahead and looked up this Jay-Z person.

    He’s a “reformed” crack dealing, human stabbing thug. Did I get that right?

    Past behavior is a very accurate predictor of future behavior. I’m not sure he sought any type of psychological help for his providing crack to teenagers, profiting from the misery of humanity and then stabbing someone who got in his way….or did I miss that little tidbit?

    Oh yeah. The birth of his daughter Ivy “changed” him.

    Know who else said that? My psycho XH.

    I had heard that my XH had a wandering dick when he was in high school–never proved, but rumors nonetheless. When I confronted him about the rumor that he had cheated on his girlfriend–I got the sophomoric “oh, it was a mutual decision”. That came as a surprise to his then-girlfriend, particularly after he got a vicious beating at a frat party (while still dating her) for fucking another guy’s girlfriend. He lost his girlfriend and almost lost his life (he has permanent damage to his eye as a result).

    He promised me that this experience had changed him, that he would never, EVER cheat on wonderful, amazing, super smart and sexy ME.

    When I suspected him once before the “official D-Day #1” of screwing the neighbor girl–he claimed that the birth of our daughter changed him. That he “became focused like a laser” on her and her welfare, that nothing else mattered. That she was now the center of the universe and he’d never do anything that would endanger our family.

    Changed my ass. NOTHING changes them. A brain damaging beat down didn’t change him, so why would the birth of a child be anything more dramatic.

    JayZ got his start by dealing physical, financial and spiritual death to children and young adults—he has simply moved on to a higher class of customers. Jerkoff. What is surprising to me is that Beyonce knew this history and married him anyway.

    My respect for her is plummeting.

    • I’m sure he was very convincing to her about being “reformed,” and pulled the pity card about his rough background. It’s not as if many of us haven’t fall for equal BS, so I don’t want to blame her (esp. if she was 19 at the time).

      Count me very dubious that ANYthing “changed” that man. Still the insufferable thug he was.

    • Eh. She was 19. She was running around in the hip-hop music crowd. She had immense talent and no doubt dreamed of stardom. She was older and probably love-bombed her. And note how the music industry fawns over him and Kanye and enables their character disorder to appear acceptable. When I was in my early 30s (far older) I was involved with a local celebrity with a national reach (one of my series of alcoholics) who opened the doors of the world to me, took me places, introduced me to to truly famous people, and was enormous fun. Of course, there were always women who wanted his time and attention. He never stepped over the cheater line, but any time an attractive woman came along, it was lunch or drinks or phone calls. For codependent me, being part of that power couple boosted my faux sense of self at the same time that it fed my insecurity. That was eons ago, and I didn’t stay because I started to get a life of my own (in part thanks to his encouragement). We stayed friends forever but I see that relationship now as being all about me not being a whole person and looking to fuse myself with and another half. Not that I wasn’t smart or talented but I wasn’t yet a whole healthy person and unconsciously saw relationships as a way to fix that. At the time, I would have said I was in “love.”

    • Jay Z is from the projects and dealing crack is a reality of life there. He pulled himself out of that life and for that I do give him credit. He’s an astute businessman as well. He also appears to be a cheating scumbag so for that he’s an asshole.

  • We are both Alpha(I’m not a narcissist AT ALL)…but I don’t think anyone would ever ever suspect the mental and physical abuse I have endured. I’m the tough girl and half of the “golden couple”. We have it all..looks, money, a great family and many friends. Sadly, I realize this is only an illusion and even more sad is that being part of a power couple is hard to let go of even when one half is an empty shell who is a selfish pig. Complete pretend. My whole life and identity has been tied to this man…I can’t waste one more day on an illusion and a lie.

    • You are on the right path Nola. Dont run… Walk. U may feel empowered by all our big talk … but if your husband in abusive now you will have to anticpate the worst when you file. Have a plan if all hell breaks loose. An exit plan. We do talk a good talk around here… But many women have lost their lives to domestic violence. Pregnancy and divorce escalate DV ten fold. I never thought my husband would say ‘ I will kill you”‘ and then attempt to act upon it. And as bad ass as I try to sound…. i didnt press charges… Because I was/ am afraid of him.
      I was lucky. Thats all I can say… It wasnt strategy … It was a sympathetic judge. I was prepared for my hearing… But the horrible truth is you could be tied up in court for years. Decide now what is your absolute bottom line and shoot up from there. Unless you have a disposable income you will have to way the cost to the pay out. I am not discouraging you… I applauded yr strength out of the gate… Just pace yourself. Be smart.. Make a plan. Keep you and your children safe.
      We are here.

    • Whatever you “have” with an abuser, it isn’t real. I know it’s hard to give it up, but it’s a crutch and you can’t be whole until you let go of that. And listen to TheClip. 🙂

      • Oh so true…it is partially the illusion of what the world sees. No one sees the fracture and the pain. I am slowly letting close friends and family into my pain and sharing the abuse etc. It is a relief to be real.

  • Good for you Nolagirl! You have a lot going for you and you can be happy and do better! Don’t overestimate what you have & underestimate what you could have! Welcome!

  • Beyonce has sadly been living in a relationship with her parents which was clearly dysfunctional as she observed her mother coping with a serial cheater. Her mother remained loyal and put up with the emotional abuse as long as she could, until she finally gained the strength to say “enough”. So I believe that Beyonce is simply mimicking life as she knows it. In her way, she’s dealing with the embarrassment, writing about it to ease her personal pain, and hoping that will something will change. We see her as a powerful and very successful woman, yet I think we can all agree that living with a narcissist is no dang picnic. Still we hope, and we hope that things will be different, and we stay on that roller coaster, remaining loyal. But does a narcissist ever really change? Not usually. Watching this play out is a stark reminder that money, stunning good looks and power really mean nothing when it comes to peace of mind and being happy. Nicole S. and NWB – you go girls – love your comments!

    • IMHO, Powerful, beautiful, smart women and men are what the disordered are attracted to. They too want it all and hooking up with competent makes it all look real. Don’t we all want to believe in the fairy tale, that true love can triumph over all, that good will prevail over evil? Until one day they recognize that we are too human, imperfect, and that life can be too challenging? Isn’t this when Cheaters check out?Or perhaps even with every thing good, life was just not exciting enough. Cheaters are, after all, charming and charismatic. Until one day all their little crap life choices topples that beautiful house of cards.

  • All I know is that she and P!nk got me through some very dark times.

    I do love me some JayZ, though–music, that is. He’s an excellent businessman, terrible husband. Not a good father, either. Frankly, I was surprised she bet on him, given his reputation. But, really–who am I to judge?

    Beyonce will find her walking shoes, I’m certain.

    But, as others have said here, it just goes to show you–you can be Beyon-freaking-ce and get chumped. It’s not about you, it’s about the cheater. Unless, that is, you don’t leave.

  • Just want to note that Beyoncé was lip syncing when she sang the National Anthem.

    Oh, and she needs to dump his ass now. I love her sister. She’s badass (and has incredible style).

  • The Knowles family had a line that was sold at WalMart, of all places. Last year while I was waiting for my BFF to buy poison ivy lotion, I saw a killer peplum top in a neutral color for $12 on sale–perfect fit. I get more compliments on that top. I can wear it to a business meeting with the right pin. So there may be a couple of them that have great style.

  • Has anyone considered the fact that Beyonce is an even bigger narcissist than Jay Z? control freak, perfectionist, improperly developed language skills, stealing from other artists (the song If I Were A Boy was first sang by someone else etc.), trying to come off as the nicest person

  • Here’s what Beyonce can do with loser Jay Z, if she won’t dump him:

    1. Tell him we’re giving away most of the money and getting out of show biz

    2. we’re leading a normal middle class life.

    3. she needs to tell / talk to men who have influence over Jay Z AND who hate cheating, so they can pressure him.

    4. she needs to refuse to interact with him when he starts narcing out, call the police if he abuses her

    5. she needs to challenge him to be a normal man and get a middle class job, in their middle class lifestyle

    6. she needs to lose the arrogance

  • Tracy your blog has given me many great resources and so much strength as I navigate my process. But for me this post is a reach. First of all Bey and Jay have been entangled since Beyonce was a minor. This is a known detail within the black community. From my perspective I as a black woman will always stand in solidarity with other black women. I’m sad at how divisive the tone of this particular post washes over me.
    And you mentioned in another post that you have a degree in African studies?? Why does Beyonce deserve any less compassion than the rest of us Chumps?

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