I don’t write for Other Women (the knowing ones, anyway. Those of you who were chumped, carry on). And yet, for some reason I often find they link to me on their forums.
Why? Well, I think some of them find the cheater manipulation tactics described here useful. Perhaps little lightbulbs go off in their heads. No, you mean he was lying to me TOO?! And others I guess read here for the frissons of superiority they must feel when comparing themselves to chumps.
No surprise that yesterday’s column was not a hit. Someone posted it on LoveShack.
Most took offense that I called OW sluts.
I am a lot of things, but a slut is not one of them. I do not dress provocatively, do not parade myself around promiscuously, and the amount of people I have been intimate with is far below average for a woman of my age. Was I a one-time other woman? Yes. Does it make me selfish, slightly narcissistic, emotionally messed up, and dishonest? Yes. Am I currently working on these issues? You bet.
But does that make me a slut? Absolutely not.
The article was actually about “slut shame,” but hey, if the thong fits…
I don’t actually like the term myself. My point was not to shame OW for their sexuality, but for their utter lack of remorse about hurting chumps — which, yeah, is shameful. You don’t get to willingly fuck innocents over, feel zero guilt about it, and then play the victim.
I really have no idea if most OW are promiscuous or not. For all I know you’re like the main OW in my story, pining her way through THREE marriages waiting for the idiot. (At once point buying wedding rings for him to propose with, but I digress.) I don’t know how many other men she fucked. Maybe not a single one. Maybe she was the Lady of Charlotte awaiting his return. I have no clue.
But she did leave her thong in bed for me to find. I did see the creepy little emails they shared. “I’ve got hot flashes for you!” The English language only has so many words — “slutty” is one of them.
Another OW complained that Hers Was a Great Love That Conquers All Obstacles.
Hilarious? Fine, if stringing a bunch of cliches together gives you the giggles. Personally I found it unoriginal, hackneyed and also inaccurate.
I’ve been an OW. Was I ever ashamed, or shamed? Nope. No one who has ever heard “our story” — and because we’re an international couple, people do usually ask — has responded with anything other than approbation, support, and admiration of a “love that conquers all obstacles”. Sure, I’m betting that’s not how his xBW sees it — and I’m sure she would coo and cluck around a bunch of “slut shamers” if she was given the chance – but normal, ordinary people? Nope.
Oh, I’m sorry! You’re an international couple? My God that makes all the difference. So dazzled by such an exotic pageant of multiculturalism, people must approach you all the time to ask about your Special Relationship!
Are you Bulgarian? Sudanese? No, no. Let me guess — Finnish!
(Brushing her sleeve with false modesty) No, I’m actually from Pittsburgh. The better part of Pittsburgh, of course. But my partner is Puerto Rican.
OMG. I’ve never met a Puerto Rican! Say something Puerto Rican!
Yes, the Love That Conquers All Obstacles. Obstacles like wives and children. Obstacles like alimony and child support. Obstacles like integrity.
Eh. The article sounded like someone who was burned and who was lashing out.
Truth is people aren’t so easily categorized. There are many reasons a woman will become involved in an affair. Including a man lying about being married or getting divorced until the woman has feelings for him.
The word slut is ridiculous anyway. Most “sluts” aren’t sluts at all. A true slut – a woman who has sex indiscriminately with as many people as possible – is pretty rare. And even those women are either proud of their sexually free attitude, or are very damaged and are looking for something to make them happy. Either way, they don’t need to be “shamed”.
So why do we need to label people as “sluts” anyway. It’s just another word used by insecure people to make them feel superior to others.
OW, you have a point. When you knowingly fuck a married man, you aren’t having sex “indiscriminately.” You know exactly what you’re doing. You’re discriminating for the married ones. You are actually CHOOSING the “pick me dance.”
Yep, you choose a competition in which your opponent has no idea she’s competing with you. That certainly makes things skew in your favor, don’t you think? (Really, the married man is playing you for cake, but you won’t hear that.) You discriminate for unfair situations and swan about with your True Love. Doesn’t that make you feel superior to the unknowing chump? Winning that pick me dance? He’ll get that divorce! Really! And then we can be together FOREVER!
They don’t need to be “shamed”.
Tell me about it. Bounces off you people like rubber.