Is “Sex Addiction” Real?

Sex addiction may be real. But most truly addicted people usually blow up their entire lives looking for their release. They can’t just bury their activities under a rock and do the fun stuff when nobody’s watching. Most heroin junkies have no jobs, homes or Leave it to Beaver family life.
Sex addiction is only real to me if the addict has literally thrown everything away to pursue their high. Living comfortably and not blowing finances, jobs , respect etc to smithereens bespeaks too much control to be truly addicted.
I’ve worked in health care with people who have hit rock bottom with addiction. Not a single one had a semblance of normal life because of their illness.
Most of these so-called sex addicts have not lost their self-respect. Their addiction has not unravelled every thread of their existence. Therefore not really addicted are they?

Thank you for this article! It used to drive me crazy to watch H run around to 4 different 12 step meetings a week. He would say he was doing this so he can get all his addictions (hey, I’ve never seen him drunk, but apparently, he’s an alcoholic too) under control so he can be present for the family. He doesn’t seem to get the irony. He’s away a lot more than he used to be. Or maybe he does see it and thinks it’s a convenient excuse to keep running away from us, while still being able to pretend he’s the good guy who actually wants his family.
I know he was hoping I’d fall in line with these so called ‘therapists’ (most of whom are self proclaimed sex addicts themselves) and start going to 12 step meetings myself. I did for a little while before I snapped out of that insanity. He knows how chumpy I am, so he would subtly try to label me codependent and tell me that I am also sick because I chose to be with him (yes, I asked for this, even though I had no idea what he was doing behind my back).
Isn’t it more likely that codependents would stay with the ‘sex addict’? Why in the world would I stick around and hold his hand through this? Why stay and wait for the next relapse? What kind of madness is that? I barely made it through one round. I’m sure as hell going to protect myself from more of the same. Now I’m relieved when he’s out so much at his meetings and with his sponsor. I’m going to enjoy every minute I get with my kids while they’re still young. When they grow up, I’m sure they’ll see who put in the real time and effort with them.

A thousand times this. A couple of anecdotes (I just heard a great expression: those aren’t anecdotes, it’s small batch artisanal data. But I digress…)

Briefly pre-divorce and whatever, Crapweasel tried a therapist who recommended him to attend Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (I think so that said shrink did less work. Then, they meditated.)

(1) even crapweasel thought it was bullshit, to his credit.

But (2) the big takeaway I got was that most of the people at the meetings spent time telling each other “they weren’t bad people, they just did bad things.”

I asked him what the difference was–how bad did you have to get: “Pol Pot “bad? “Random shoot people in a bank” bad?

He said my philosophical nuance would go over their heads….

Secondly, I myself went briefly to a therapist who specialized in people traumatized by the sexual acting-out of partners…a believer in the SA model, but a decent human anyway. It was a bad fit, and I left soon, but she did reinforce me a lot, but saying things like, “If his mouth is moving, he’s lying” and other similar. So, that part was very helpful. She seemed to both believe in the SA model, and to Trust That They Suck. Interesting.

But yeah, nice little cottage industry they got there.

Oh, and I forgot…I went to ONE meeting of the SA partner group. Holy Crap! Bunch of people I just felt really sorry for (I had already begun imbibing at the Fountain of ChumpLady Wisdom, so…)

Women just living these guys (and in this case it was all women, about 20 of them), and they guys were way on on the hookers & blow end of the cheater spectrum. It was just awful.

And the group encouraged them to stay in those horrific situation, putting themselves and their kids at risk, and “work their steps”. Like they had done anything, anything at all in the world that required them to “work steps.” I thought my head would explode. But, I didn’t even yell, I just explained my sitch, and said my self-respect meant that I would not put up with crapweasel’s behavior, and I was working on finding a way out to a new life of freedom. Modeling better behavior for them, but they had seriously drunk Koolaid.

It was a sorry, sorry spectacle. Very sad.

t’s hard for me to imagine these men and women lying on their deathbed years from now saying, “I only wish I had had more sex with strangers.”

No, they will be lying on their deathbed, crying, wondering about why they wasted their life on this planet chasing an “O”.

Just wanted to chime in with a plug for SOS–that site was a life saver for me! There is lots of dialog and comradery between women going through similar situations. Of course almost every newcomer (including me) goes there looking for hope/answers and thinking they are the exception rather than the rule. For some women the dose of reality provided by the stories and ongoing drama that is shared is too “negative”. What is so funny is that no one goes there because they hate their partners and want out–everyone goes there to find a way to stay. But evolution naturally flows in the direction of survival and self preservation so if you stick around the light bulb eventually goes on! If you are a woman going through this crap I highly recommend joining. It helped to get me unstuck and out! Not what I thought I wanted, but thank goodness. I am now truly happily ever after!

The majority of “sex addicts” do not see their behavior as a problem and don’t seek help for it until they get busted by their partner. In the meantime, they withdraw more and more, emotionally and physically, until the partner begins asking questions. At that point they start picking fights, gaslighting, and blame shifting in order to get the spotlight off themselves so they can continue their fraud. And that fraud includes misappropriating funds. I know women who’ve discovered that their children’s’ college savings have been spent on prostitutes.

As CL says about cheaters in general, these guys are good at picking honest, well-intentioned partners who can hold down the home front and reflect well on them. They hide behind their partners, who help them present to the world as upright citizens and good family men/women. It helps them with their careers and it helps them socially. They can indulge in their seedy underworld and still come home to a loving family. They surf porn at work, sext in the car, meet strangers off Craigslist on their lunch break, then come home and coach their kids’ softball teams.

It is an insidious form of abuse, a form of domestic violence. So, yes, there’s a whole industry out there devoted to helping these folks “recover,” and that recovery traditionally happens on the backs of their partners.

Therapists don’t routinely encourage women to stay with batterers, so why is it they tell partners of “SA’s” to stick around, knowing the “prognosis” is grim and that relapse is expected. They encourage her, really, to risk her life and her emotional health. Why? Because, as I’ve said before, “SA’s” don’t stay in treatment unless there’s a partner to fool.

Thank god neither cheaterpant’s IC or MC put an addiction label on him. He’s always been a serial cheater, so I know it has never been about ME.

He is a functional alcoholic, compulsive eater and binge dieter, porn viewer, liar, thief and cheater. NPD with sociopathic tendencies- that’s what the therapists say. Yay!

The sex addiction industry is so damaging. It preys on people that are often in a state of shock, that have just had their worlds and reality blown to pieces due to their partner’s behaviors and choices and they are often desperate for a solution.
Sex Addiction really consist of any or all of the following pathiolgies : Seriously embedded Narcissism, like NPD, BPD, attachment disorders,, splitting, dissociation, compartmentalizing, paraphilias , sexual deviance, misogyny, sadistic sexual perversions, perversions, creepy obsessive compulsive fetishes, a sever lack of a conscience, an inability for normal human relationship and authentic higher level human emotions. Many fall somewhere on the narcissist spectrum and are obviously character disordered..SA are also more likely than non sex addicts to be dealing with pathologies that fall on the psychopathic end of the personality disordered spectrum.

The SA industry is actually playing around with something that is not benign or harmless. The problem that arises here is that your normal everyday conscious person with a good character and a healthy conscience and the capacity for empathy and attunment with others, can not even fathom what these disordered and disturbed people are capable of and more importantly what they are not capable of i.e. things like empathy and a conscience. So we project our own goodness, our own capacity for empathy and a conscience onto these SAs and assume that they are not capable of something disordered because we can not fathom doing these things ourselves. This is the reason so many chumps ask the question “but why”….. or “how could they”

The SA industry selling people the idea that SA is a separate isolated disorder or disease that can be successfully treated is disturbing and WRONG. Claiming to be able to address and fix something that is actually known in most cases to most likely not be fixable is criminal . .. This is manipulative, predatory and amounts to fraud, Preying on persons that are already wounded and desperate by using fake scientific propaganda to sell them a false hope that is domed to fail and to even go a far as to blame shift these issues onto the wounded partner and to charge money to do this. Criminal.
The SA therapist that promote the co dependent model are especially harmful and damaging.

From what I have seen and experienced this so called SA diagnosis is actually more often than not a serious psychological and character disturbances that is NOT likely to ever change. Narcissistic people, character disturbed individuals including so called SA will most likely not change in any meaningful way and if they do change it is usually that they will very predictably become worse; they get more creepy more perverted, more abusive towards their partners, more arrogant and entitled feeling and much worse in many ways.. Therapist have to know that this is true. I am sure they see it play out every day in their offices because from what I have seen and heard it is the norm. It should be required that therapist have to inform the partners of these SA regarding the true reality of this.

From personal experience spending thousands of dollars sitting in the SA reconciliation CULT LIKE support groups for SA and their partners and participating for a few months in XH’s SA therapy I can tell you this. It is not only a scam, a joke, and a delusion based pseudo science it is also very dangerous for the partners of these SAs.. . SA do not get better!!!!! They actually most often get worse and this is something that can also prove to be very dangerous for any unsuspecting partner that is trusting that the SA is in recovery when they are most likely not. Staying with a person that is diagnosed with SA is the same as staying with a person that is Narcissistic, NPD or Attachment Disordered or a much worse pathology Predictably deviant behaviors are a serious aspect underlying the SA label as well.

To make it short and simple if your partner is diagnosed with SA …. RUN !!!!!! and do not look back. Spend your time, good character and money on something that supports you, The person capable of authentic relationship and empathy.will be harmed by participating in this sort of deluded therapy with a SA. Let the SA drown in his/her creepy little meaningless predatory world. and if they are so sure they can correct their behaviors and pathology then let them have at it. My money is on them going right back to the same old behaviors with zero remorse.

This is timely. Where I work a young man who was in a very prominent position in our institution was caught posting ads on Craigslist looking to prostitute students offering federal funds in exchange for sex. He was trolling for both males and females. He was married to a smoking hot woman and had a beautiful family. He is sitting in jail right now facing several serious felonies. He got busted in a sting operation. A couple of people tried explaining his ‘sex addiction’ and to that I said a big BULLSHIT. I’ve been reading CL too long to believe that crapola. This guy is going to prison for his shit. Not only was it front page news in this city it also made national news. How nice for his wife and family. She filed for divorce and is no contact according to the paper. Good on her.

Then there are the sex addicts that pretend to be in recovery- they go to meetings, see therapists, etc. all the while still indulging in their behavior. They learn to hide it better, they fool their sponsors and therapists. And if little wifey says something is still wrong, guess who is the problem? Talk about a mindfuck. I know because I lived it for 6 years. And then after I busted him big time (my son stumbled on the motherlode, unfortunately) and filed for divorce, they all said, “THIS time he is REALLY in recovery. Wife is just crazy.” And then when I busted him yet AGAIN, they again said, “Now THIS time, he is REALLY in recovery. We SWEAR.”

The whole sex addiction recovery business is a sick fraud. The only bright spot is that finally some resources like SOS and POSARC are becoming available to partners. Resources that explain what is really going on and what you are really dealing with. Chump Lady deserves some credit in this regard, too, because whether or not you believe in addiction (I don’t really care one way or another), sex addicts use many of the manipulative techniques that CL so brilliantly skewers. After you’ve been mindfucked for years by a sex addict and sex addiction therapists, having support to clear your head is incredibly important.

One thing that bothers me about the RIC is that it seems to put a huge amount of emphasis on sex as the main indicator of a successful marriage. Sex is a fun thing, obviously, but I am in my fifties. I don’t want to act like I’m in my twenties. And a strong interest in sex, especially in older men seems to lead to trouble in a lot of these cases. There’s not necessarily anything wrong with it, but it’s just not a major goal of mine to have a lot of sex. Especially with a lot of different people. I just wonder if I’m weird or if other people feel this way too.

Just read thru all the comments this morning and wanted to add a couple of things to mine.

Regardless of what any counselor or reconciliation guru might say — you have to choose and feel comfortable with any recovery FOR YOU. I truly believe that co-dependency is a real thing — especially for my mother’s generation and my generation. Here’s why — we were lucky enough to come along at a time where we were allowed to become educated and to work outside of the home. Because of this mental awakening and the ability to earn our own income — we were able to operate independently from the spouse. This independence led us to recognize cognitive dissonance in our lives. I grew up hearing pithy phrases like “you made your bed, now lie in it” and “stand by your man” and “you have to serve as an example” and “never talk in a negative way about your family to anyone outside the family.” This type of training, and the cultural limits placed on women prior to this time (women don’t need to go to college, women don’t become doctors, lawyers, etc) create VERY frustrated women. You have enough sense to realize that you have intelligence and are capable — but you are told by your cultural influences that what you are seeking IS NOT YOUR PLACE. You should look to your husband to support you and you should sacrifice your goals to support his. Believe me when I tell you (this is for younger women who might be incredulous at all this) THIS SUBCULTURE IS STILL ALIVE AND THRIVING. I have had to deal with it in the workplace all my adult life. I am looking forward to retirement because I won’t have to put up with this kind of crap anymore — I am sure I can find volunteer work to fulfill my need to work and be useful, without having to rely on and defer to some jerk who controls my paycheck. Because I was trained to be co-dependent, in order to be “a good woman” — I had to learn and work on ways not to be an enabler and not to be co-dependent.

The big difference between my problem and the “addiction” of my spouse was that my problem did not endanger his life. My problem did not use marital resources to satisfy carnal desires. My problem did not destroy marital vows. My problem was fixable. I recognized it, and I took steps and did all the hard work to fix myself. I didn’t sit around whining “I am a victim,” or “I am powerless to fix my own problem.” I am not a victim, and I fixed my own problem. I am angry for all the brilliant and capable women who live in this world and who are routinely treated like second or third class citizens, and who are patronized daily. I have no patience for anyone who cannot see that this repression has gone on for centuries, and who is crazy enough to believe that civil rights actions in the last 50 years have fixed everything. What has happened in recent history is JUST A START.

The difference between a disorder like SA, if it actually exists, and a disease like cancer, is that NO ONE CHOOSES to have cancer. No one volunteers for a life changing auto accident. Addictive disorders generally can be traced back to a point of origin, and if the addict WANTS to treat the illness and get better, there is work that can be done. If the addiction has developed along with a personality disorder, such as Narcissism, it will most likely never be “cured.” You were likely lured into a relationship with one of these folks because they are cons. They want something you have — a lifestyle, respectability, the appearance of normalcy, your money, etc. They act a part to seduce you into compliance. They are criminal, in my opinion, because they do steal your material resources, and they do damage your spirit and your soul in ways that scar you forever. You can recover from being with them by getting away from them, and by reevaluating the way you choose to live your life and pick your partner(s). You may never want to take the risk again — and that is certainly understandable.

Unfortunately, age does not improve these folks. They may not be as physically attractive as they once were, and they may develop physical problems, like Erectile Dysfunction or other health issues. This will not stop them from finding other people who are willing to provide them with sexual pleasure. It will, and always has been, All About Them. They are like criminals who may be punished for various crimes, but who never consider living a crime free life. They just get creepier and more devious, and better at hiding their crimes. My advice would be stop looking for a cure for what ails them, and start looking for the nearest exit YOU can take to get away from them. The life you save might be your own.