An alert chump recently sent me this dollop of crazy: “My Husband Learned the Hard Way Why Women Cheat” by Marina Pearson on HuffPo.
Ostensibly, it’s a cheater saying that hey, she’s sorry and takes ownership of her affair. She was unhappy, she should’ve spoken up not acted out, the affair was immature. However, as it usually transpires with these sorts of articles (I’ve UBTed a bunch of them…), the “sorry” comes with a “but.”
But really it was All for the Best. But really it was Still Your Fault. But really I’m Still a Good Person Even Thought I Did a Dreadful Thing.
Which is to say — Marina flunks sorry.
Here’s a couple nuggets of genuine imitation Naugahyde remorse:
If you are reading this and judging me, I understand — that’s human nature. And believe me, no one has judged me more harshly than I have, even now. Although it all turned out for the best, I wouldn’t go down that road again — although, at the same time, I now completely understand why women cheat.
No need to levy your judgement, folks, because Marina has already judged herself! And if you think you’re judg-y and awful, well, Marina got there first. Slut? She said that to herself. As well as “Bad girl!”, “You naughty vixen!”, and “I’m a maverick”! She examined herself — harshly! — and determined after much painful self-reflection that she needs to do something about her split ends. A hot oil treatment, a different conditioner? Anyway, Marina has suffered, so no need to pile on.
Ultimately, I don’t regret what I did, though I do deeply regret the hurt I caused. As a result of the affair, and then later, our divorce, my ex gave me the best gift you can give anyone — the opportunity, finally, to find my happiness within myself.
Ultimately, I don’t regret stealing opiates from cancer patients, although I do deeply regret that someone woke up from surgery without painkillers. That must’ve been a bummer. Um… whatever. But hey, that patient gave me the best gift you can give anyone — the opportunity to get high! On hospital grade morphine. The really good shit.
Ultimately, I don’t regret robbing banks, though I do deeply regret duct-taping that bank teller to a chair, holding a gun to her head, and pistol whipping her. It was ill considered. Immature. Selfish. However, as a result of my bank robbery, that heist gave me the best gift you can give anyone — easy money!
Cheaters, if you don’t regret your actions, it’s NOT an apology! You don’t get all the spoils of your affair and get to disassociate yourself from the pain you caused. Because you’re just saying the spoils (your ephemeral “happiness”) were worth hurting someone.