Dear Chump Lady,
I just had a conversation with my cheating husband. He now admits to at least a part of what he did, although he still maintains that there was no EA. They just had a secret “friendship” for 20 plus years. The name Sexy Beast was just a joke, yada, yada…
He says he doesn’t feel sorry for any of it. He just feels bad. What could he possibly mean aside from feeling the loss of his kibbles? I can’t wrap my head around his response!
We are still living together and it is very tense. I am ready to check in with my attorney to see if the ducks are in the row. Younger me would have been gone by now. Older smarter me listens to my lawyer. But I do wonder what kind of “bad” cheaters feel.
Yours,
Linda2
Oh Linda2, I can’t pretend to be inside the head of every cheater to know what they feel. (Nothing? Peckish? Mildly annoyed?) But you do point to a very common phenomena among cheaters — this whole I Don’t Regret the Affair, I Regret People Were Hurt bullshit.
HuffPo runs one of these narcissistic fluff pieces every week. The affair? It was magical. They explored undiscovered corners of their soul! They laughed! They cried! They loved! But lest they look completely inhuman, the cheater throws out a few little kibbles of “remorse.” Yes, the little people were hurt. That was regrettable. But the chump now understands the cheater’s paramount need for happiness and they’ve forged a friendship. So don’t judge them! When the goal is happiness (who can fault happiness?), you’ve got to break a few eggs to make a happy omelet.
Try this logic on something else and see how it fares.
I don’t regret defrauding investors. (You should see my yacht!) I regret that they feel hurt.
I’m not sorry I molested choir boys. I just feel bad (that I’m under indictment).
I love money, so I mugged that old lady. (I bought these awesome shoes!) I regret she feels pistol-whipped.
So let’s put your husband’s “EA” through the Universal Bullshit Translator.
He says he doesn’t feel sorry for any of it.
Apparently you are unaware of everything he’s been up to. So he did NOTHING! And if he did nothing? Why there is nothing to be sorry about! You’re just making a big deal out of nothing! Demanding apologies when apologies are not warranted.
He has a friend who calls him “Sexy Beast.” So what? Don’t you have friends who call you funny names like Twinkle Toes and Apple Cheeks? Same thing.
Just because he kept his friendship hidden for 20 years is nothing to get upset about. You wouldn’t understand, so he didn’t tell you. Your dim-wittedness and lack of understanding is nothing HE should apologize to YOU about. I’m sorry you’re not more sophisticated.
He just feels bad.
He feels bad he has to explain his friendship to you. It’s exhausting. He feels bad that you might levy some sort of undeserved consequences on his innocent friendship.
You should feel bad for making him feel bad!
Poor sausage. He feels BAD.
But not sorry, because only people who Do Bad Things apologize. But he’s blameless!
Linda2 — are you connecting the dots here? He’s mindfucking you. Manipulation doesn’t spring out of feelings, it comes from Machiavellian self interest. So stop asking yourself what he’s feeling and start paying attention to what he is doing — not taking responsibility for his actions. Not apologizing.
So long as he’s continuing to snow you about his 20-year secret relationship, you’ve got nothing to work with. Please line those ducks up with the lawyer soonest.
I haven’t read the article yet – just the title and I’m already in tears crying laughing because I understand it all too well with the email I just received from my Ex. Oh, I have a pain in my side from laughing so hard from the reality.
I’ve heard so many sappy “I’m sorrys” none of them true apologies. An apology would require thought, empathy and true remorse. I figure if he ever ends up AA and makes it to step 8, I might see that unicorn. Not holding my breath…lawyered up, getting divorced this summer!!!
Briana—Yes, I always finish my X’s apologies in my head,
“I’m sorry [because I got caught],”
“I’m really sorry [that you found that out and now I look like the bad guy instead of just an innocent in a tumultuous marriage],”
“I regret it [because now you’ll probably tell our friends and portray me as the narcissistic, entitled piece of shit that I really am].”
“I’m sorry [because now I”m living in a crappy hotel room without you or my dogs, and one of my daughters won’t speak to me].”
My personal favorite: “I’m sorry I’m hurting you.” (But, not enough apparently to stop doing it?!?!?). Asshole
My apologie was “I’m sorry you feel that way”. WTF. “You need to change your perspective”
I did. I changed from ongoing chump thinking to I’d rather go it alone. No regrets.
EXACTLY!!! @ Moose…… I heard almost the same thing…. but he wouldn’t OWN that he was causing it…. I got “I’m sorry you’re hurting”…. but alas…. not enough for my ASSHOLE to stop either….. disordered POS.
Ohhhhhh I am so close to “meh” and I am LIKING it SO much better than the pain I was in!! Oh how I trust that he sucks!! He kept smiling at me in church yesterday and I seriously had to restrain myself from slapping that stupid smile off of his face!!
I heard, “I’m sorry I ruined your life. I didn’t mean to.” Lying POS cheater. Just waiting for the lawyer to file divorce papers.
Ok, that just sucks. It’s not like your sunglasses got sat on or something… I’m sorry. That’s a shitty “apology.”
…I got way more than that!…I got…”I’m so sorry”…quickly followed by “It would have never happened if I had been happy”.
Wow… TYPICAL cheaterspeak. This afternoon… X called about the electric bill and suddenly I’m hearing… “you assume that I am happy…. you assume that I have it easy…… you have a lot of misconceptions about me.” I said “I do NOT have a lot of misconceptions, I know you work hard and I’m sorry…. but HOW can you be unhappy NOW??? You should be FANTASTIC!! I was the CAUSE of all that was unhappiness in your world… and I have been REMOVED…. so POOF!!! you should be fucking happy now!!” suck on that asshole.
Brilliant, NCStevie! Logic 101–he claims unhappiness in the marriage, you release him from the marriage, he should be elated!!
I made a similar comment–my X didn’t really like family life or having kids, or only getting to screw one woman. So now–No kids!! No dogs!! No responsibilities!! All the freedom and p*ssy he can handle!! Should be ecstatic!
MAJToo–Don’t let the cheater ruin your life It feels like he/she has now, but take steps to carve out the life you want and in a year you will be in a MUCH better place.
Tempest has nailed it.
I don’t know why at this point, but I remain continuously amazed at the lack of originality in the responses from cheaters.
My STBXW also gave me the “I regret the affair, but not what if did for me.”
The interesting thing with this reasoning, as is the case for things such as explanations / excuses offered for affairs by cheaters, is what is NOT said. For example, chumps need to remind one another that any affair explanation / excuse from a cheater HAS to have the following unspoken phrase prepended to it in order to place it in the context of reality: “[ I felt entitled to cheat on you because, ].” The mindf*ckery lies in the omissions.
In the “I regret the affair, but not what if did for me” case, the sentence MUST be rewritten as “I regret the affair [because I got caught, and now have to deal with responsible adult consequences for my terrible actions], but not what it did for me [ because if I don’t reframe this in some positive way, I have to do the difficult work of looking at the true fallout of my behavior on others, such as family members and children, and that is too much for me to handle because I have character issues ].”
Sephage: Or. [changes in all caps]..“I regret the affair [because I got caught, and now have to deal with responsible adult consequences for my terrible actions], but not what it did for me [ because HOT DIGGETY, WHO WOULDN’T LIKE A STRING OF ORGASMS!!!!].”
Tempest – HA!!!
Another item to help chumps put things into proper perspective:
My daughter was 6 (now just turned 7) back in November when I confronted her mother about the affair. My daughter knew something was up and that mom and dad might be splitting up, and she told me that she wanted me to give mommy one more chance. So I did; I hung on as long as I could (about 5 months), with ZERO sincere reconciliation from my STBXW.
During that time, my daughter made it pretty clear that she didn’t care about her parents’ issues, she just wanted everyone to buck up and work together to try to have an intact family unit. I was prepared to suck it up and do just that, my STBXW wasn’t.
So… in my example, A SIX YEAR OLD GIRL HAD A MORE MATURE HANDLE ON THE SITUATION than a 43 year old mother!
Talk about perspective! When that hit home for me, I filed.
Yup, these cheaters typically have the emotional maturity and impulse control of 3 year olds.
LMAO Now that is being mean to 3 year olds Tempest. LMAO!
Same here sephage, the morning I found the “secret” phone that idiot purchased on a new plan for him & OWhore we got into it pretty bad, I could NOT contain myself unfortunately (we all have a breaking point). This time his volcanic rage didn’t back me down & I screamed right back…. unfortunately it woke our son up….. I will NEVER EVER forget him standing there with his pillow, tears running down his face as he said “Mommy… please don’t dump my Daddy” (and I have NO idea where he acquired “dump” into his vocabulary). The messages I had read were GUT wrenching and I literally felt like my heart was splitting in two….. and I screamed at him to “get the FUCK out!!!” Asshole was already gone…. he just hadn’t left…. that happened 6 weeks later.
There was ZERO remorse shown during ANY of this toward our son….. not ONE tear shed by that fucker when he broke his son’s heart. He is NOT redeemable!! Me & my son deserve better.
I completely understand NCStevie. My ex-hole has not made one attempt to apologize. He STILL thinks he has DONE NOTHING WRONG!
He is so self centered, he paraded his “granny ‘ho” around our small town and in front of our church while he was still married and still living with me and the kids.
If I even get a half or one quarter-hearted apology, I would pass out. They (she is just as responsible) destroyed the family and the two kids and have not one bit of remorse. I am waiting for that lightning strike…
Sounds like our exes are the reason why Chump Lady refers to those people “trust that they suck”.
NCStevie, your ex is a complete shithead. I am so sorry for your little boy, and so thankful he’s got such a strong mom who can show him what integrity looks like. Love to you!
FMT, YES he is!! And thank you very much….. I hurt more for the pain my son is suffering than anything else, if you ever met my son it would hurt your heart even more. He is truly an amazing little boy. I need to remember to thank God every day for my strength, I shudder to think where I’d be without it…. probably in the mental ward.
Thank you again for the compliment & love back to you.
My favorite is still “I’m sorry I wasn’t emotionally intelligent enough to know I was unhappy.” Even at my lowest I recognized that for the bullshit it was and said “You still knew right from wrong!”
For Tempest: “because HOT DIGGITY, WHO WOULDN’T LIKE A STRING OF ORGASMS?!!!”
I was eating a bit of breakfast as I read this one – and proceeded to laugh so hard I think I still have granola coming out my nose…..Thank you for the Monday morning lift!
Or. [changes in all caps]..“I regret the affair [because I got caught, and now have to deal with responsible adult consequences for my terrible actions], but not what it did for me [ because SHE MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT BEING THE LOW DOWN DIRTY SHIT I DID PLUS SHE MAKES ME FORGET WHAT A LOSER I AM WHO CANT FACE ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES AND HAVE ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY !!!!].
Sephage, you are so right. My ex gave me some version of ‘Sorry people got hurt but not sorry about what happened’ or some such horseshit. I’ve blocked most of it from my mind but do remember something along those lines. It was bullshit. He was pissed he got caught and remains pissed to this day that I not only discovered final OW but also discovered the other OW, and then told anyone who would listen after I kicked his ass out.
He still spends silly amounts of time trying to piss me off, even after four years. What a tosspot.
Please tell me they eventually leave you be…
I’d like to think so but every time I think it’s abated he pops up with some new bullshit. Today, as a matter of fact.
Damn. Times infinity.
They leave you alone once the children are no longer a factor (i.e. child support). Once that is no longer an issue, they drop off your radar screen in fairly short order. Until then, it’s Super Fun Happy Time™. 😛
WEll, four more years, then.
LMAO @ Nord…… “and then told anyone who would listen after I kicked his ass out.”
THIS^^^ Same here….
X “would you please stop telling EVERYONE my business, what a piece of shit I am?!”
Me “I’m telling everyone MY business which happens to be that you CHEATED just like I warned you that I would…. should you ever cheat…. which you did.”
My STBX wanted to know why I was trying to turn everyone against him. Uh, forget about your wife and two children you ran out on…how you doin’? It truly is ALL ABOUT THEM.
Yeah, he’s pissed, his family is pissed. Tore down the shopfront big time and they didn’t like it. Too bad. I was so freaked out by what I discovered that Satan himself couldn’t have gotten me to shut up. I absolutely HAD to talk about it just to start making sense of it.
The funniest thing is that when they say ‘you’re turning people against me!’ or ‘you’re ruining my reputation!’ it never occurs to them that all we do is tell the truth. How people perceive that truth is out of our hands. Just like their actions. And the consequences. They really don’t like that the truth makes them be perceived as assholes.
You are absolutely right Nord!! That is exactly what I said….. “I am telling people what happened when they ASK what happened to US…. and I’m NOT telling lies or anything. If what I TELL people gets scrambled around by the time it gets back to you it isn’t my problem that they choose to ad lib the story!!” Suck it up buttercup. Boofuckinhoo.
I got that schtick:” Why are you ruining my reputation? I will sue you for slander. My response (with props to Dat), “It isn’t slander if it is true.”
This is exactly what my ex is telling anyone who listens (which is a precious few now that she’s alienated herself)…. I’m sorry it happened but it was what was right for me in the end. Such BS…
Aaaand, not once does he even think one iota for the other half of the relationship puzzle (ie. you) in that phrase – self centred prick!
LOL!!!…….”Narcissistic, entitled piece of shit.” Why are there so many of these psycho’s in this world?
The other day another chump said “sorry not sorry” at the end of her comment (TBJ I believe) and it has stuck with me ever since. It was in reference to not being sorry for her cheater’s discomfort but it REALLY reminds me of cheaters. When they “apologize” I believe THIS is actually what they mean….. sorry not sorry. Because they AREN’T.
My cheater X has expressed his “sorry-ass sorry” to me two (maybe 3) times via text….. followed by “I really mean it” and yet his behavior NEVER changes. He is NOT sorry he blew our lives up (he deserves to be HAPPY) and ANY nice he exhibits is to benefit HIM. He is only SORRY that I still confront him and call him out on his bullshit and that it ruins his “vibe” and I don’t back down anymore, he is only sorry that THIS chump has seen through his bullshit…. the mask doesn’t work for me anymore. He still withholds money (needed to support his son) while spending TONS on himself & traveling, he still promises to call son and conveniently doesn’t….. and on and on.
My cheater X suffers from masochistic avoidance and he is nearing the end of ability to avoid the consequences. It is a shame…. but it is deserved.
Yep…. sorry not sorry…… that’s cheaters and once chumps have had enough…. that’s us…. sorry not sorry either asshole.
Yep, it was one of my favorite goofy quotes I’d say as a joke but it’s taken on a whole new mraning(s) since DDay. It’s exactly the way cheaters think, it’s in the same vein to them as someone saying “yeah, I was really angry at Nancy for talking behind my back so when I confronted her I told her off. SorryNotSorry.”
Yep, it’s that simple. “Well I sorta kinda feel bad that maybe what I did is YOUR version of cheating…but you know our marriage was dead a long time ago and you’ve been nagging me for years and you didn’t appreciate that one time I fixed the leaky faucet enough…so I went outside our relationship to dedicate the time I should’ve been spending with my partner & child with a stranger who enjoys effing married men/women…SorryNotSorry.”
Because they have no depth of character. Shallow, shallow bottom feeders, they are. They’re the algae eaters of the world; other fish swim to the surface to get the food and they lie and wait until the left over bits fall to the bottom. Sure it’s not as delicious or as filling as the food the other fish get but shit, they’re lazy & would rather have shitty food fall into their mouths than to work their way to the top for the good stuff.
We deserve better, we deserve a fish that’s willing to swim to the top to get the good stuff. We are the good stuff.
NC Stevie…. Its the same difference as nice and kind. They say sorry because its the reflex ‘ nice’ thing to do. Just table manners.
I make a point of saying ‘ sorry’ everytime i have to have an exchange with him. ‘ Sorry, that u didnt understand that we have a court ordered visitation schedule that u must follow. Sorry that i had to tell yr boss you were harassing me. Sorry that u have to still pay for the car. Sorry that I cant understand what yr saying when u are screaming’
Yup… I am real fucking polite these days. Sorry mother fucker.
The Clip: Great stuff.
TheClip–no surprises, we all expected you to be the damn Emily Post of infidelity ; ).
i was at that point in the very end of everything. unfortunately i was super pathetic and couldnt understand why he was so angry (blame shifting), why he was so confused to what i was saying to him (of course he is twisting everything i said and he was NOT confused), why is he being so hateful and cruel (because she was standing right there listening and he had to keep up with the storyline he fed her)…..so i was the one who was apologizing over and over… i’m sorry you thought i said that, i’m sorry i didnt treat you right, i’m sorry for hurting your feelings, i’m sorry i should have tried harder, i’m sorry i should have told you how much we appreciated you, i’m sorry _______.
now i am just like UGH!!!! i am ashamed of myself. but yes, i will probably keep saying it since it seems to calm him down and make him more manageable. i can see me saying i’m sorry you missed your visitation, i’m sorry the kids want nothing to do with you since you havent seen them in a year, i’m sorry the state is going after you for back child support……
My hand is raised on this too…… it’s what we do…. try to “fix” it.
Me: “I’m sorry you were in pain, I’m sorry you didn’t feel appreciated, I’m sorry you hate what you do for a living, I’m sorry I failed you somehow, I’m sorry I didn’t know, I’m sorry I didn’t understand, I’m sorry I couldn’t read your mind”….. and when none of that worked…. FINALLY……. “I’m sorry you’re a cheating, lying asshole”.
And NOW…… i say…… “sorry not sorry asshole” (Thank you TBJ) XOXO!!! I don’t give a SHIT about managing him, NOT.MY.JOB. As pointed out several times by other chumps…. I.GOT.FIRED. His crybaby bullshit and feeling sorry for himself is now OWHORE’S problem….. HER job to make him “feew aww bettew”!! Tah dah!!!!
Considering “I” was the problem and couldn’t make him “feel” better about his shitty life…. and SHE can….. she can spackle over his “unhappiness” that can’t be “unhappiness” because he should be “happy” now right??? Enjoying your freedom now asshole? Suck it! Funny thing…. shit hasn’t even gotten real for him yet….. but it’s coming lol.
Me: “I’m sorry you were in pain, I’m sorry you didn’t feel appreciated, I’m sorry you hate what you do for a living, I’m sorry I failed you somehow, I’m sorry I didn’t know, I’m sorry I didn’t understand, I’m sorry I couldn’t read your mind”….. and when none of that worked…. FINALLY……. “I’m sorry you’re a cheating, lying asshole”.
Oh, you got the same EXACT reasons I did for why he had to bail! What chapter is that in the cheater handbook, again?
@ The Clip….. you ALWAYS keep me entertained!!!! “Sorry Mother Fucker!!” is EXACTLY right!!
My X Mother Fucker has NO idea of the shit storm that is about to invade his miserable cheating life. Just looked up the last day of school and it is May 21st…. THAT dear fellow chumps is DAY number ONE of my fucking FREEDOM!!! I will NO longer be in the control of the miserable asshole or his path of destruction…… my ass will be OUT of this house and I will NO longer have to give a fat shit if he pays the rent or NOT…. our landlord is locking his ass out once I take my stuff and HE is NOT my PROBLEM anymore muahahahahahah…. CAN’T.FUCKING.WAIT. WOO HOO!!
(standing up and WILDLY cheering) !!!!
YOU GO KID !!!
@ The Clip…. and for the record….. that always saying sorry to cheater is brilliant…… I think I am going to start that too, it will give me tingles….. “I’m sorry” “I’m really sorry. I mean it.” Assholes.
That’s awesome: “his VIBE”! I love that! May have to borrow that one.
And to Nord’s point, I’m going on almost 18 months with Cheater out of my house, 13 weeks officially divorced, and their bullshit of trying to make you mad still hasn’t ended. If anything, it seems to have escalated since divorce was finalized.
I saw a very interesting book listed on Amazon : “The Road to Character” by David Brooks. The introduction looks very good “how some people have cultivated strong character. It’s about one mindset that people through the centuries have adopted to put iron in their core and to cultivate a wise heart. I wrote it to save my soul.” The first chapter is called “The Shift ” and Brooks writes that the American people have become self-centered. He writes, “this leads to selfishness, the desire to use other people as means to get things for yourself. It also leads to pride, the desire to see yourself as superior to everybody else.”
I wonder if he profiled some chumps for his books!
I don’t think it’s just Americans. I think it’s quite universal.
It’s universal. Trust me. I deal with people from all over the world in the field I work in and it’s universal.
Why do we (most chumps?) care so much that our cheaters understand how wrong what they did was and how hurt we are? Why is it so important that we feel like they get that? And why do we care? It’s possible he will never admit to how he fucked everything up. And that his much shittier life post divorce is his fault, not mine? I get a lot of “I know what I did was wrong but…” I guess I just need to let that go. Everyone else sees it but him.
Because of just that…we CARE. We care about people, their feelings, their thoughts. We care when someone is hurt, upset or angry. We care when we have hurt someone or we ourselves are hurt. We CARE. Simple as that. These entitled babies don’t care about anything, including themselves. They have no problems effing up our lives, their children’s, other families…even their own. They are pitiful excuses for human beings. We should shake them off our shoes and walk on. But, we don’t. Because we CARE.
Absolutely right moose, even though i get righteously pissed off and vent…… I still care…… I don’t want to…. but I do. Guilty.
The only thing that will save me from continuing to care about X is that my son comes first and that will be X’s undoing. I won’t go out of my way to do anything to hurt him…. but I can gloat a little at what he brings on himself and do what is necessary to support and protect my son.
I’m still chumping it up today. Trying to convince someone that they are loved, missed, wanted, appreciated by me and our children. And asking him to please com home. WHY DO I DO THIS?! He obviously gives a shit about no one else but himself. He should be begging us to come home. I want to be at meh!!!
I am So sorry moose, I have been there. YES…. they SHOULD be begging to come home…. but they won’t. I’m eight months out from DDay and 5 months with him out of the house, the last time I “asked” him or “told” him that we wanted him to come home was the end of January. I have fought with him since then about his blame-shifting bullshit….. and two weeks ago when he picked up my son I asked (like a dumbass) if he was SURE “this” was what he wanted, he said “okay” but never said anything after that. Chumpy me trying to make “sure” before I start packing up my life to move. My X is a screwed up asshole, he is irrevocably broken but he is not malicious, he is very non-confrontational and doesn’t really cause problems (it drives me mad) and it makes it even harder. But I will NEVER ask him to come home again…. EVER!!!
Unfortunately… and truthfully…. we don’t just STOP loving them because they are incapable and the jig is up, we are NOT wired that way. I am grateful for that, I trust that he sucks and I would NOT want to be like him. I’ll take the pain and be grateful that I am able to love and take comfort in that.
Time is your friend….. time is what you will need to get to “meh”. There is SO much information out there on these disordered assholes….. I have shared a link below to one that helped me a lot (I’m planning to get the book).
http://samvak.tripod.com/indifference.html
Thank you NcStevie for the link. I still try to wrap my brain around my H’s sick behaviors. This article is such a validation.
Moose–you can’t get to meh without first divorcing the cheater and going no-contact (except for practical & custody issues). Take those steps, and stop trying to convince the jerk that you appreciate him. Why would you appreciate him? As CL says, why would you pine for a flaming dog turd? (And get thee to the “Trust that they Suck” column immediately. Print it out and read it 3 times a day–it helped me immensely.)
Tempest, I’m headed that down that road. Filed already and trying to be NC, but jerk won’t leave me alone. I’m done trying to convince someone he is loved. I’ve done enough, as have my kids. It’s on him now. Enjoy your pathetic life.
NMD – Yep let it go girl! Same here, 31 years and STBXh is on his way out of my life. Realizing that it was my mission to try to make him understand how and what he did. He figured a one time Im SORRY 28 years ago (1st Dday) should have covered all the other horrendous acts of cheating in many forms. Geez, a guy needs a break! I’ve realized finally how fucked up HE is not me! I get it, I don’t need any more proof. I will not feel anything…..once he is gone from my life. I hope he suffers financially, physically, emotionally, and I will be thinking SORRY! 🙂
^^^^ THIS ^^^^ “I will not feel anything…..once he is gone from my life. I hope he suffers financially, physically, emotionally, and I will be thinking SORRY!”
I am so close to meh…
Yeppers… me too!! What she said lol 😀
I think I cared because I knew it would be a requirement for reconciliation that my cheater comprehend the damage and trauma inflicted on me. So if you are attempting a reconciliation, in order to reestablish some connection, some intimacy, that cheater dumwit better have some notion of the pain you experienced directly because of their selfish actions.
But alas, I think most cheaters are not capable of this, leaving the chump with nothing to work with.
Post divorce, yeah I agree, I’m not sure why a chump would care about this fantasy.
Part of the freedom of “meh” is no longer wasting precious time and resources on users and abusers.
My post divorce wish for him is to thoroughly enjoy the fantasy life he envisioned. And with him goes the deception lies, and ability to BLAMESHIFT.
I am over the discard, sadistical insults, twisted entitlement, and whores. Not my problem anymore.
I had a tendency to torture myself before I recognized him as the narcissistic asshole fucktard he has always been. I used to dwell on how he could erase me from his life without any remorse or compassion. I wasted months crying about the way he discarded me after 41 years.
The pain will always be there as a reminder to embrace my freedom and passion for life.
My divorce will soon be finalized and I will never look back. I have made the decision to NEVER have contact with him again. It is tempting to dwell on just how fucked up his life has become since he downsized. However, just as we trust that they suck, we also have to trust that they have not changed and will not seek help.
Not my problem any more.
That’s a great point, Dancing. And one I have had to remind myself of many times. Who really gives a shit that he admits, understands, or agrees that he’s an asshole and fucked up a lot of people’s lives. I know it and that’s all that matters. The only time I care is when he tries to fill the kids’ heads with bullshit about how cheating is normal and whoopsie, he just happened to fall into various vaginas.
Who cares is exactly the right attitude.
My ex never uttered a sorry at all, his poor sausage statement always started with “I didn’t do anything wrong”. And the turnabout where he’d tell me he was the one hurt while the whole “thing” had helped me…he’s so not special…
“He was the one hurt while the whole “thing” had helped me…”
Yeah, that’s one of the few things that still rankles me, though I’ve reached indifference in so many other ways. Cheaters get to justify the results, no matter what they are, to themselves as proof that what they did was the right thing to do. No matter what the turnout is for the chump, the cheater can find reasons not to be sorry for it.
Chump hasn’t found a new relationship? See, I told you the sex life was bad/non-existent! I’m better off out here! I did the right thing and I’m not sorry.
Chump has found a great new relationship? See, I knew they were better off without me. I did the right thing, why should I be sorry?
Chump has struggled financially since? So glad I’m not still part of that. Phew. Dodged a bullet. Not sorry.
Chump has flourished financially? I taught them that, or see what they can do without me holding them back? My actions helped that along. Not sorry.
The children are suffering emotionally? I’m a better parent because I’m happier out of the relationship but I can only do so much. Not sorry.
Hmmmm HC, the narc’s importance must never be ignored. They helped you out by hurting you before they got up and left. Ya that makes a lot of sense, but I guess that’s what it’s like to have such deserved entitlement. Idiots and their justifications all of them.
I could maybe count on two hands, over 30 years, that my X said sorry about ANYTHING.
Same here, onthehill. I’ve lnown mine 7 years but any apology I ever received undone in the next argument. If he felt forced into a faux apology because he knew he SHOULD be sorry he would give me one of those “I’m sorry you felt that way” or “I’m sorry you took it that way”, which we all know is not a real apology, and then he’d stash that shit in his pocket because he was so pissed that he felt pressured to own his actions. Then a week, a month, a year down the road amidst another argument all together, BOOM, “I wasn’t sorry for that thing I did 2 years ago that was actually terrible but I refuse to believe it was and since then I’ve manipulated a way to teist that into bring your fault and here’s how…”
EFF ME….who behaves that way? Loonies…that’s who.
Half the time I’d completely nadir gotten wtf he was even referring to and the details of that past argument. Just the way he wanted it….
Cue twilight zone music after my last sentence.
Dear Lord, my apologies for my typos. I got really excited with that post and neglected to proof read it…2 years from now I’ll find a way to blame that on someone else…lmao!
Jamie, I am killing myself laughing here! And don’t worry, we can always figure out what people MEANT to say over what they actually typed.
Thank god! Because i swear some of my stuff is hieroglyphics or sanscrit
Thanks guys, I reread that and was embarrassed by myself. Hahahaha. Whoops.
Thank you, yet again TBJ, for another laugh….. I actually laughed out loud and snorted and all…..
THIS >>>>> “BOOM, “I wasn’t sorry for that thing I did 2 years ago that was actually terrible but I refuse to believe it was and since then I’ve manipulated a way to teist that into bring your fault and here’s how…”
EFF ME….who behaves that way? Loonies…that’s who. “
You are welcome. I’d imagine part of the hilarity might’ve been from the obscene amount of typos you were trying to decode. Lol.
I’ll be here all week!
The only sorry I ever got was wrapped in a blameshift, enrobed in an insult, with gaslightling sauce on top. I laugh about it now. It wasn’t a shit sandwich. It was a Turdfucken.
Luziana – HA! Turdfucken! Love it!
I would encourage chumps to do what I did after I got out of the fog: start to frame everything as logically as possible. It brings the absurdity of the entire affair into glaring, 2am-the-bright-ugly-lights-come-on-get-out-of-the-bar-we-are-closing focus.
Some examples:
“I am not having an affair.”
But what about this evidence? Why did you lie to me?
“I shouldn’t have had the affair, but I had to lie because you’re behavior towards me was terrible!”
Try changing your behavior for a few weeks. Will they then say “OMG! I was so wrong!” No. They will move the goalposts again.
“Actually, our marriage was dead years ago because of how you acted.”
Of course, you didn’t get that memo. You can ask them why they didn’t tell you, why they didn’t request MC, why they didn’t do anything to focus on their own happiness, etc.
The goalposts will just move again. If the goalposts move ONE TIME for any reason after an affair, we have to get off of the playing field, because that game is rigged!
This.
Chump Nation is unabashedly skeptical of reconciliation because true reconciliation means that the cheater needs to own his or her shit and accept the consequences. Attempts to shift the blame mean that the cheater is not interested in accepting responsibility. If you can’t trust them to accept their own responsibility for their (multiple) deception, then you don’t have any kind of trust foundation to build a new relationship on.
Bingo.
Very true, kb. Never get that from these Cheaters and on this site has been proved the AP also. Very sad beings if you ask me!
I made my mind up early, if I have to “own” her BS, I’m out. She tried. I never took it from her. I demolished her with logic, over and over again, most of the time calmly, thank God, despite my mentally screwed up state. There is zero that a betrayed spouse did to force someone to cheat. Zero. That’s all on them, their weakness, their mentality, their issues. Cheaters cheat. What’s the saying? People can change, they just seldom do…
I’ve not seen one reconciliation where I heard the words, “we’re better than ever now” and actually believed them. I have seen reconciled couples where the betrayed had a big chunk of their soul emptied. You can see it in their eyes. But better? Nope, just wistful, or wandering, or hurt. That’s all I see when I observe them and listen to the language…
Yes, Scott I did have a big chunk of my soul emptied. It was always back to start, with the infatuation stage. Then the belittling and finally the discard. It was never better. I don’t believe in reconciliation with a cheater. Therapy helped me understand my role. Cheaters cheat! Yes!
Scott, I was speaking to a friend that reconciled with her husband, after she found out about the child that his AP had. Fortunately, her husband just had a one night stand and he was very drunk and the result, a child. (major sarcasm) My friend is a smart woman but damn if you get told a story over and over again and if it has a smidgen of truth, then it may all be true. I wonder how much a person can put up with and if you speak to a reconciled person, you are sure to see large amounts of shit sandwiches taken to be “truth”. She believes that her husband has never again cheated. Here is a nugget of conversation, husband says jokingly, “It’s a good thing that I’ve had a vasectomy, we wouldn’t want any more little Steve’s out there.” And I sit there and wonder how can she take that shit. He’s practically confessing to what he is doing, but she just chooses not to see that. I’ve told her about this blog but she won’t read it, I think she knows that she won’t like what she kind of feels is true. She is under tons of stress, but can’t quite put her finger on why. I want to tell her, but if you are not ready to hear anything resembling the truth, then you just don’t see it. But it sure puts into perspective about how much they truly suck.
Oh and every once in a while she will tell me that, if only your x had stuck it out for a few more years, he wouldn’t be physically able to go out and cheat. Denial anyone. I’ve read stories here about those mf*ers practically dying and then they make a damn recovery and are leaving to be with the AP. It’s craziness all around with reconciliations.
And with a vasectomy the morons think they no longer have to use protection and expose their spouse to STD’S.
Speaking of vasectomies…. So cheater stbx recently told me “The reason HE didn’t get fixed and I got my tubes tied after we had our last (18 years ago) child was so that then HE KNEW HE COULD NEVER cheat on me. Seriously? I’m JUST finding that out now? I always thought it was because I was double health-insurance covered at the time and since I was already in the hospital – I might as well get it done. Huh – I never knew…..
(STBX was busted with a cell phone sexting other women – he doesn’t consider that cheating….. And he MUST NOT be ‘physically’ cheating because someone would have been pregnant by now…) What a fuck head.
Exactly, kb! He won’t own anything. It is all blame shifting and mindfuckery.
LOL
Good one, thanks for the a.m. laugh!
“Turdfucken.” Thank you. I really needed that laugh this morning.
It wasn’t a shit sandwich. It was a Turdfucken.
This is priceless. Thank you for the laugh.
I love that one. I’ll never think of a Turducken the same again. One f makes all the difference (f**ked up cheater).
To those of you who do not already know, The Cold Slab O’Meat said,
“I am sorry that I allowed your behavior to destroy my good feelings for you.”
“What behavior?”
He proceeds to list a bunch of actually good character traits. I know what my goals are. I’m self sufficient. I’m too intelligent. I know how to fix things.
“SHE makes me feel special. You don’t even text me at work.”
“How could I get a text in edgewise with the hundreds you send her a day?? Let’s see. She wiggles her thumbs over a phone. I built a damn life for you. It’s clearly no contest,”
“See you’re just so negative. SHE’S always cheerful.”
“Let’s see how cheerful she is in a few years. My husband is cheating. Yeah, I should be dancing the fucking Macarena.”
Luziana, “she’s so cheerful”…. Umm yeah, after a few years of marriage with those damn emotional vampires and then the damn cheating, sure she is going to be cheerful, but only if she is completely stupid(but that may be one of the AP qualifications).
What is up with the mega texting. I would go crazy if I was dating someone and they textbombed me. All that attention at some point will feel like possessiveness. But then they cheat and want to be sure their pigs aren’t in a blanket with the next victim. No class
No shit Donna…. their “grade school” quality & quantity of texting is disturbing. When I called OWhore’s husband he told me that our assholes had sent 700 text messages to each other in 10 days. Seriously.W.T.F??
Over 5000 in a month All over Disney World with our children. Scum. Complete and utter garbage humans, these two,
A few time I’ve gotten:
1.”If I could go back in time, I would (and I wouldn’t get caught this time.)
2. “I regret what I did. You didn’t deserve it. (Because I don’t deserve to be paying you so much of my money every month.)
But never “I’m sorry for the pain and the lies.” He never speaks directly about what he did (and it was a lot). And the lies have never stopped-now he just lies about the children. He was actually cheating again the first time I hear those two lines. It seems to be all he has in his bag of faux remorse. The last time I actually got to look at him and say,”I don’t know what any of that means.” He did not elaborate, just changed the subject!
Done now – that’s what I got –
1. ” I wish I could turn the clock back”
2. “None of this was fair on you”
but again no apology or remorse – pahhhh!
It seems like the all have the same scripts to choose from…….!
There’s a profound difference between genuine remorse and “feeling bad.” He “feels bad” that he got caught. He “feels bad” that your image of him as a good spouse is ruined. He “feels bad” that people might see him as a bad guy. He “feels bad” that he is losing his cake. He “feels bad” that he might suffer financially in the divorce. He “feels bad” that he might lose you, the person who makes his life easier and more convenient.
He’s making a show of remorse because he thinks it might get him out of trouble.
Good luck with your lawyer, I hope you are out of that situation soon.
Love this, pucksmuse.
And there’s another level of the “feeling bad”: If he doesn’t “feel bad,” then some of our friends might JUDGE him (the nerve!) for abandoning a wife & marriage of 16 years for a 25 year old waitress. So by “feeling bad,” then friends will at least take pity on him and then turn that anger & judgment on the chump who — for god’s sake, chump! — can’t see past her panic attacks, weight loss, insomnia and general lunacy to not be angry with him. I mean, c’mon, he FEELS BAD!!! Isn’t that enough, you greedy bitch? How much do you want him to suffer? (Answer: Ten percent of how much I suffered would bring him to his knees, which would not be enough.)
Ten percent of how much I suffered would bring him to his knees, which would not be enough.
THIS RIGHT HERE ^^^^ AMEN to that NWB!!
Linda2, as Rhett said to Scarlett in “Gone With the Wind” when her husband (who had been her sister’s boyfriend) got killed because of something she did: “You’re like the thief who’s not the least bit sorry he stole, but who is very, VERY sorry that he got caught.”
That’s what you’re dealing with, Linda2. Hurting you? Having a “friend” call him “Sexy Beast” for 20 years? He’s not the least bit sorry. He’s just sorry he got caught.
So was mine. But he still likes playing the game. He picked up two of our three kids for an outing the other day and made his current wife park around the corner so I wouldn’t see her (they were in two cars). This is the EXACT same thing he used to have OW do when she drove him home – park around the corner so I wouldn’t see her. LOL! I wonder when wife #2 is going to figure out that she’s being treated like some dirty little secret? XH knows better than to ever try to tell me to hide.
It gets easier to see these things as time goes by. In the beginning? Not so much.
So just watch what he DOES, Linda2, not what he says. You’ll learn everything you need to know, including the true depth of his remorse – which won’t be deep at all. Good luck!
Sexy Beast?!!! I have images of Ron Jeremy( present day) in my head…. Oh god!!!! …. Now i cant get it out of my head!!! U just cant un -see that shit!
My ex tried to explain why one of his co-workers calling him “Loverboy” in an email I intercepted was “nothing,” and “just a name.” Um….riiiiiiiight……
Yes Chumps, while our ex cheaters would like us to believe the sky is green and the grass is blue, in the end we should trust ourselves because we KNOW (I mean seriously, in my case why didn’t they just e-mail me a video of them having Fifty Shades sex, they couldn’t be any more obvious could they?).
It is never just innocent and it always means exactly what we fear it means (and what we so desperately hope it does not mean).
“Sorry” is a phase of the abuse cycle. Lots of people are sorry. Few people change.
The only TRUE aspect of ‘sorry’ in this cycle of crap is they are
SORRY EXCUSES FOR MEN (0R WOMEN)
yes definitely. the next time i hear him say “I’m sorry” i am going to tell him “Yes you really are”…..i doubt he will get it
“Yes you really are”….. thank you MrsVain….. another fabulous little quip to hold on to 😀 😀 love it!! Yes they really are is right!!
I just read the post again & realized that he never said sorry. Denial. Cheaters suck. Denial is part of the abuse cycle too. I hope they all get sick and rot.
If I ever apologized for anything, Ex wanted my humility etched in stone. In fact, I don’t ever recall being forgiven for anything. Wow. There’s a thought.
One evening some time after the 1st Dday (with the ex) I asked him if he understood how upset and deeply hurt I was about what he did with the 1st OW he had and he told me “I think you are jealous.” Right at the point in time I knew he would never ever understand how much damage he caused in the marriage and in his eyes I saw at the moment in time (and many times after) that he has this entitlement and arrogance about the entire situation. When he said this I do recall he even had a smile on his face. To this day many years later I can still recall his look in his face.
Linda2, please please DO NOT waste any more of your time and your energy with this guy. Life is way to short for you to try to wrap your head around this loser. I wasted many many years after the 1st Dday with the ex. I have so many BAD memories about the ex. Don’t do this to yourself. He is not sorry and with the disorder that these individuals have it will get worse. He will never get what he did because in his disordered mind he is entitled to do what he wants and when he wants it and your marriage is not worth it in his disordered mind. Trust me in saying this. Please save yourself from more pain and more questioning his way of thinking. This person you are married to and hopefully will be your ex very soon will just cause so much more pain in your life. Get out now and start your healing process. Life DOES get better when they are out of your life!
You will be living a life on your terms and not his. The sooner you are out the sooner you can really live!!!!! Please don’t waste another day on this nasty person. Get your ducks in a row and fast. Life is so much better on this side. *hugs* and I wish you the best also!
You are smart to have caught on so quickly. It took me much longer, even though my stbx also used the jealous line on me. Obviously I wasn’t there, but that look on his face sickens me.
I agree with your advice.
Thank you, Buddy! When I first meet the ex I could never figure out why he behaviour to me was very odd. Well back then we didn’t have the internet and also not much education about these Personality Disorders was out there for us to read like it is today.
I have been reading some studies that have been done with people with Cluster B Personality Disorders and BPD and other Personality Disorders from what the experts can tell these people are not able to regulate their emotions. The findings of these studies with brain scans “emotionally overreactive that they suffer alternating bouts of depression, anxiety and anger, are interpersonally hypersensitive, and are impelled to self-destructive and even suicidal behaviour.” Very interesting things coming from the science part of studying these individuals. The more I read about the science part of how these Cluster B Personality Disorders and BPD, and other Personality Disorders minds work the more of my red flags of the ex get answered. Plus when I come across more people that have these disorders the better “armed” I am.
Education this the key!
My MIL used the jealous line on me. ‘I know you’re jealous, Nord, but that’s not going to bring him back. You need to be kind and give him hope’ or some such shit. I nearly told her to fuck off and now, years later, I wish I had.
Very true Nord. What I should have done is drove his sorry ass to her house (with the 1st Dday) and she could deal with him because I was the evil one for keeping him from her. But now he is with the last OW (18 years younger than him) he left me for and now he married her sorry ass and now they have 2 kids. Good luck with that!!!!!! ha!
Ex is also with final OW and she keeps getting whoopsie pregnant – he always seems stunned by this but hasn’t actually married her yet, which she desperately wants. I figure it’s his way of keeping her on the pick me dance. Whatever. If he would just leave me alone I’d be a happy lady.
Geez! These disordered things (cheaters) and the AP never learn. They all play from the same rule book. Not an ounce of uniqueness in any of them. You would think that that both of them would have some common sense on how babies are made. Damn-Sorry I keep on forgetting who we are writing about. Ha! Silly stupid sad sausages.
The sad ex on my end has no contact with me but he is in contact with my family and friends and the funny thing is that he never liked any of my family and/or friends. So since he cannot get in touch with me for a slice of cake he stays in contact with them just in case I contact them. That will never happen!
So funny. My poor-snausage Crapweasel sent Christmas presents to my nieces and nephews (not a peep to me, thank God). I thought about passing the message on to him that nobody wanted his crap, but then I thought, nah, that would just be “oh poor me” kibbles to him. Idiot narcissist.
Apparently he doesn’t remember that when my sister’s Ex cheated, my daughter said, “I don’t have an Uncle D____, anymore.”
I guess he thinks people feel differently about his cheating and lying, or something….
That word “jealous” gets flung around by cheaters. Well, what emotion is appropriate when your spouse or partner is cheating? Jealousy. That’s the emotion warning you that you are being abused emotionally. We should not let that normal emotion, entirely appropriate when you have been betrayed, become a negative term.
LovedAJackass, I’m with you about what you wrote above. When he told me that he thought I was jealous and didn’t even acknowledged the pain he caused that was another big red flag to me. I think another part of me died when he said that to me. I felt so alone at the moment. He never ever said he was sorry and would get so mad at me when I would bring it up.
Who in their right mind says that to their hurting spouse? I had many other normal emotions and feelings about what he did but jealousy was NOT one of them. I knew there was something really wrong with this guy. At the time I didn’t have the knowledge what PD/NPD were at the time. I could never ever get my head wrapped around to fully understand so many red flags I had with him and that was BEFORE I knew about the cheating. Then when I found out he was cheating and even more things I found out about him I was floored. I could not believe this person I was with over 10 years was doing this to me. I would ask him why do you hate me so much. He never answered that. Sadly years later after the divorce I know he cheated during our entire relationship. I’m sure many can relate to my story and I can relate to so many people on here.
The relationship cycle that these individuals follow will never change. There is no way that these individuals will know how much pain they caused because they cannot process what they do and did because of the disorder. All we can do is walk away and rebuild OUR lives the way we see fit!
Anyone that was labeled as ‘jealous’ and finds a spouse was having an affair, sort of validates that the jealousy was justified. In fact, it shows that the instinct was spot on. Your fears that this person had weak boundaries, was a flirt etc.. have been verified. They also backed up that they lie and can’t be trusted… so anyone who says ‘well you were jealous’, you can say ‘rightfully so.. wish I acted on those instincts sooner’… and if they say ‘you were too controlling’ you can say ‘obviously not controlling enough since I was being lied to and manipulated and my spouse was sneaking around like a 13 year old in heat…’ I wish I followed those ‘jealous’ instincts sooner instead of allowing myself to be gas lit into thinking it was all me for decades. Turns out that I wasn’t jealous or controlling after all.. It was just my instincts telling me that something wasn’t right with my wife’s treatment of me and her behavior towards other men.
Raging that is an wonderful way of looking at it. I never thought of it that way. Thank you for your great insight! I hope things are much better in your life?
I always felt jealous throughout our relationship and often thought I had a problem. I even went to counseling once when he started traveling around the country with married OW for participation in competitive shows. He never asked if this was okay with me, he just decided to pursue this goal with OW and left me to drive our kids all over the country by myself to their various activities. I did throw jealous fits off and on, but how else would a person feel with this kind of crap going on? One of the most validating things to me was finding his writing about OW and realizing I wasn’t crazy after all. My intuition was spot on!
Lyn, One thing I have learn over many years being on this planet and being with the ex is to listen to my intuition, gut, that 6th sense, my inner voice. Whatever you want to call it LISTEN to it! It is telling you something and trying to save you for further harm.
My experience was this- cheater X ENJOYED when I was feeling jealous! He did little inappropriate things to other women when I was there, to promote jealousy. Now, this is how manipulated my brain had become (boiled frog), because of so many years of this – I thought I had a jealousy problem!
Nope, I was normal. He was behaving like the Borderline that he is, actually getting off on causing his wife emotional pain. In his mind, that meant he must be such hot stuff!
Raising my hand…… slowly………. yep…. me too. I agree…. he ENJOYED the few times i did show my jealousy because it made him feel wanted….. his so desperately needed “adoration”. Gag.
I’m raising my hand on this one too. my x never went anywhere after work. We were together all the time. People still tell me “but you both looked so happy”(gag). He would cheat at work. He cheated at work, from 7 am to 5 pm and then nothing obvious. For years he kept me off balance with my “jealousy”. I would say so and so seems pretty chummy with you, his response was that I was jealous, and can’t “he have friends at work”. It sent me to counseling also. I had a shitty counselor that told me would “you rather be right or would you rather be happy”. That messed me up for years and the damn cheating, going full force. After he abandoned me, he apologized for “all the other girls”, apparently the fool thought that the schmoopie he left me for was going to be around for a long time and it was a 2 for 1 sale kinda thing. He could apologize and he could kick me in the teeth at the same time. The “confession, of sorts hurt” but damn I was right all those years and if I had only listened to my gut, I may have gotten out of that shit a lot sooner. Note to self and others out there, listen to your gut, you are not being too jealous, you are being gas lit, lied to and manipulated, get the f*ck out now not later. Nothing good comes from giving a narc any more chances or any kind of understanding, they just use it to hurt you more and they get a sick satisfaction for paying you back for “hurting them” (ie. not being a good kibble dispenser).
Its pretty sad, isn’t it. These idiots who pull the whole “Can’t I have friends at work?” – the response we’re thinking is “Your friends are the type to fuck you senseless when you’re MARRIED, fuckwit. So no, you can’t have friends like that”.
Same here DeeL, my X was home every night and didn’t travel for work or anything so stupid chumpy me convinced myself that there was nothing amiss. He IS self-employed and worked in plenty of homes where the women were SAHM’s or worked from home and I’m sure there were PLENTY of opportunities as well as willing players and I know (now) in my heart that he probably didn’t pass on a single one. Fucker.
Yup–me, too. 9-5 fucker (plus the occasional graduate student party). Always home for dinner, regular physical intimacy with me, attended kids’ violin concerts, etc. And yet a sexy, seductive second life launched from coffee shops around campus.
Oh the jealousy!!!!!!
My XH is a massive flirt. In the beginning of our relationship when I became jealous of his behaviour with others, he would just laugh at me. ‘He was not doing anything wrong it was just how I perceived it’ what was my problem? And yes I would go to great lengths explaining to him how this behaviour was hurtful.
What a waist of time.
Because I got to the point I just accepted that I must have an issue as he was a committed Christian, and an all round good Jo, I struggled to understand what I saw between him and others more so with other men. Which is why I struggled as 2+2 was not making 4.
And my gut feeling was screaming.
His flirtation and round good guy routine has won him a new victim who is now swept up in his love bombing. It must be awesome to be her right now. But considering he has the emotional depth of a paddling pool she should enjoy it while it lasts.
As I get ready to move out in two days, I am replaying 30 years together. One thing that strikes me over and over is how convinced I was that I was flawed because I was so cautious about his interaction with other women. He eventually used that as his excuse to end the marriage, you know, because my insecurities made me “difficult to live with.” I am still wrapping my head around the idea that I was the more stable partner.
Good luck and strength to you!
Be prepared that you’ll second-guess your decision, but as someone said here once- if they change so drastically afterwards, you can always marry them again!
(They won’t, and you won’t want to!)
i love that excuse…”you were too controlling”. how the fuck was i too controlling when i couldnt even get you to come home at night, i never knew where the fuck you were and who you were with. you apparently had enough free rein to scare up time to spend with oompa loompa as well as time, energy and excuses of why your dick just happened to fall into her craphole. believe me if i was “Too Controlling” that shit would have NEVER happened. seems to me i was “Too Trusting”, “Too Naive” and “Too Believing”. i was also “Too Loyal”, “Too Loving” and “Too Kindhearted” that you too advantage of repeatedly.
i believe what they mistake as “too controlling” is more of “you are too aware of all my fucked up mistakes and now know how screwed up i really am and you are too expecting me to have some kind of accountability and actually change my behavior,,,,but i dont want to change my behavior. i like my behavior because my behavior makes me feel good. everything was going just fine UNTIL YOU started noticing all the fucked up shit that i do. you no longer make me feel good, you want me to own up to my mistakes and act like an adult. you are no longer fun therefore you are too controlling (in trying to get me to change and be a better person)”
sorry it should say TOOK ADVANTAGE of not too
Mrs Vain: I think chumps are guilty of becoming too controlling. It’s what we become when too trusting, too naïve, too believing, too loyal, too loving and too kind hearted back fires on us. I can say that as I started to have inklings of cheater ex husband’s activities, not only did I become too controlling, but also too suspicious, too angry, too hateful, too spiteful, too foul-mouthed and too vindictive. He turned me into a replica of himself – a monster (but only to him). I never knew I had it in me. However, all those negative emotions propelled me straight out of that disastrous marriage. After being a single mom for 5 year I re-married a fellow chump. It’s a very happy union. I’m no longer a monster, but I’m not the naïve, stars- in- my- eyes woman I once was either.
As far as I can tell, in 99% of these cases, they aren’t sorry or remorseful because they feel entitled to true love. It is not their fault that true love sought them out. They lie prostrate to the powers of true love. Their sophisticated spirituality of love and intimacy is beyond what you provincial peasant providers will ever comprehend, so it must be frustrating having to “explain” their particular brand of sorrow to you. Please accept that you are not capable of understanding this otherworldly plane of sexual bliss and immersion. The Diaries of Anais Nin, the mystical connection between Scarlett Johansson and Bill Murray in Lost in Translation, life according to classic Woody Allen movies, and the need for unbridled underground passion in this short life allude you, and that’s OK because … your life DOES having meaning and worth: please keep paying the bills, taking care of the kids, doing the laundry, and giving me a bit of sex here or there when my true love is not available.
Buddy I found a really great radio broadcast that might be of interest for you to listen to. This helped me so much. This goes in detail of the NPD relationship cycle. Very good information. Let me give you the link:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/relational-harm-reduction/2014/10/24/after-a-pathological-love-relationship-hes-moved-on-and-is-with-someone-new
Thanks Beth, I’ll check it out.
You’re welcome, Buddy. I hope it helps you out as much as it helped me.
ps: I am being sarcastic in my post above. Hope readers don’t take it the wrong way 🙂
LMAO, Buddy! I love sarcasm myself. It has brought me far in my life. ha!
Buddy–For better or worse, I think most chumps become schooled in sarcasm and black humor within 6 months after D-day. I know I now have an f’ing Ph.D. in snark, and I doubt I’m alone.
Tempest, I have my cap and gown ready to get my Ph.D. in snark. Just name the place, date and time and I’m there! Ha!
Working on my thesis now actually.
Working tittle
‘Entitlement of the tool’
Or I am thinking I’m now thinking ‘how to roast a turducken’
Beth, That was an amazing podcast. Thanks for sharing.
Oh hell Buddy, you nailed that!
Buddy, I salute you.
Cheaters are all about feeling “good” and when caught they feel bad for themselves because it’s not a “good’ reflection in their narcissistic mirror.
Most cheaters justify cheating because their spouse is not “good” enough. Couple that with the Esther Perel’s, the “conscious uncoupling” of the steamed vagina Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Goddess, and the affair spinning guru’s of the Huffington Post and it’s a buffet of cheater nirvana supporter system.
In cheater world, everyone is special. Marge, who farts and gets her first Brazilian wax for Harvey Combover OM, father of three, are special and cheating is a first class ticket to being special. Cheaters are so special it upgrades their groins to be worthy of selfies. Notice the cheater selfies, most often taken in their washrooms. Cheater selfies are hilarious, the pouty mouth pose…the arm squeeze cleavage pose and the toilet on the background. How about the Harvey cheater selfie, the sucking in of his belly, the landscaped pubes and the erection close up. Come on, average chumps, these cheater folks are awesome special and their washroom selfies prove it.
Getting caught, makes cheaters feel bad. It makes their delusional brains go into cake deprived convulsions.
If only chumps were more empathic to cheaters and the hell they go through when caught. How can they survive without their right to be special and having to feel bad now.
Nicely done PF
(for some reason this lack of sorrow leads to entitlement which leads to humor amid the devastation. as a side note, I recently read an article on Humor being an important ingredient in courage and overcoming fear)
The fastback to meh, is seeing how pathetic and dumb cheaters are. Their washroom selfies are testament to how ridiculous they are. most cheater prefer you cry for them, take their in met groin needs seriously. What really disturbs a cheater is being mocked and laughed at.
As for cheater washroom selfies, it’s a smorgasbord of laughable faux erotica with stained sinks, pubic hair clogged toilets and hemorrhoid cream were part and parcel of the cheater washroom selfie.
I believe the decline of western civilization will begun (or has begun) with the toilet selfies. As well as the decline of human dignity. The great men and women of the past who struggled to advance the human condition must be spinning in their graves…
I must be seriously behind the times – I have never heard of toilet selfies. My mind tries to conjure the images, but at the same time they are so repellent that I can’t be bothered to waste brain space with the effort. My grown children have never mentioned that this practise exists and I’m thinking they would be in the demographic that would be aware of it. OMG, the lowest of the low. What has humanity come to?
My husband and his MOW were big fans of the toilet selfies. He would go into the bathroom at work and take pictures of his junk (at her request). All I could think was, eeeewww, public bathroom stall, not ooooooh, sexy beast! But hey, I am not a narcissist in love, so I just don’t get it.
PF, I laughed out loud at this ^^^^!!!!
Ha-I was just noticing some of the selfies yesterday. There’s a red flag for you. I have been able to spot a few unsavory people post D-Day by seeing the number and types of selfies they post. My ex posted the most ridiculous pictures thinking he look brooding and sexy.
Ever checked out dating websites? SO many guys over 50 in shirt-less poses. Really? Really? Might as well put up a sign saying ‘narc!’
I have seen some really unfortunate selfies on dating sites…..Nothing like a package of toilet paper in the background…. or the toilet showing with the seat up…..a very soiled cheap white towel on the rack….the super sexy close up of nose hair as the camera shoots directly up their nose…I really want to date a guy who has a toilet plunger at the ready, don’t you?
Sucked in bellies with tale tail ‘dewlap’ at waist; arms folded across chest with hands positioned under their flabby biceps in an attempt to make them appear that they bulge….
‘Farmer’s tans’ with glowing white chest and red arms and neck —tank top imprint.
Hairy MOOBS. Gorilla shoulders….
SEXY BEASTS INDEED!!!
DoneNow: my STBX…if I had a dime for every selfie taken by him, he would get support from me. WTH is that?! Why must EVERYTHING be documented? “Please, please look at me. Like my stuff!” Personal gratification from FaceBook…gross.
Yours sounds like my XH.
Selfies, selfies and more selfies. And now the selfies including the new love of his life. Which are used as promo shots on Fakebook to support his current narrative.
It did make me laugh when I recently saw a selfie of XH and the new victim (NV) sprouting he was about to raise money by shaving his head. For a cancer charity (It’s not pretty and our youngest cringes when he does it) out of his hundreds of FB friends only 16 liked his post and there were only 4 comments, 2 from the NV stating she will still love him even though she will miss his curls.
Selfies, Fakebook, narc paradise really.
******tell tale**** dewlap
Hesatthecurb, so fucking funny!
KarenE and Hesatthecurb, OMG thank you so much for that! Oh dear I’m laughing so hard I might pee on myself. But really YUCK! lmao! I love this site so much! I might have nightmares tonight but it’s worth it. Man boobs now in my head! Yuck. lol!
Me too! An attractive friend of a friend sent me a friend request on Facebook. I checked out his timeline, nothing but selfies! He had absolutely no photos that didn’t feature his pretty face. No thank you
PF,
ROTFLMRO!!!
THANKS for that!
You nailed it with that satire!
Those sick sick sick washroom selfies—–Perhaps it is an unconscious nod to the fact that their whole lives are in the toilet!
(Maybe CL will let you be a ‘guest poster’ next time she’s away!)
ForgeOn, you sassy ones!
My cheater loved the selfie. I found one of him taken on my birthday. He sent it to the other woman and he looks like an absolute tool in it. Another happened in my photo account by accident (thanks iCloud) taken after Dday that apparently went to the new girlfriend. Again, he looks so full of “TRY!” it’s ridiculous. It’s a grown ass man trying to be 30 years old. It’s actually kind of funny now.
As for the “sorry, not sorry” my cheater said that “I would do things differently.” That’s not a sorry and I never fell for it. He was a coward then and still is. He was sorry he got caught and had to pay me a big settlement. He’s probably sorry people now see him for the loser that he is. But sorry for hurting me and ending our marriage. No way.
CL said it best, “Sorry is as sorry does.” He continues to be an insufferable asshole.
My cheater said, “I am sorry that I have done this to you in this way.”
The gym selfie. Taken from the locker room; flexing of course. Impressing the female with his primeval mating ritual display of feathers, um I mean muscles. How could she ever resist?
I am LMAO! What is it with the bathroom selfies? My ex and his Schmoopie took every picture of themselves that they sent to each other in bathrooms! I will say though that the men’s bathroom at my ex hubs place of employment are very nice
Also, it’s simply amazing how their “Twu wuv” turns these idiots into total cartoon characters who suddenly believe that they are devastatingly handsome and beautiful! It’s hilarious actually!
Toilet selfies. OMG.
I have not seen any of my XH but it wouldn’t surprise me considering the time he spent in there and coming to know that public toilets are where he met up with others for BJ’s.
I so wish now he had been busted by the police. I would have loved to see him try and justify that in a court of law.
it has ALWAYS been a personal pet peeve of mine to look at selfies (regardless of the locations, bathroom bedroom, living room kitchen) and see a messy house in the background or dirty children. i mean how shallow are these guys who can look at a picture like that and see all the dirty dishes, toothpastes spits on the mirror, trash on the coffee table and floor and everywhere, dirty socks and clothes and unmade bed in the background and actually think this girl is a winner? throw in the poor little dirty faced children while the b*tch is all done up, hair done, nice clothes and makeup while her kids are dirty, torn and dirty clothes, jacked up shoes. SERIOUSLY!!!??!!?! THAT is the kind of woman you want?
apparently that IS the kind of woman the exhole wanted.
I see this on dating websites, too — the photos are taken while standing among clutter & filth. And I’m thinking, Why would I ever date you?
Linda2, I’m totally with CL on this. It’s less about what he feels and more about what he does. That’s where your focus needs to be moving forward. Yes, I do sympathize with your interest in understanding it all. It’s maddening.
In my opinion, this quote that haunts you is nothing more than the many quotes my STBX gave me and the quotes we’ve all gotten towards the end of our relationships….they’re said to continue the confusion and keep you hanging on to something, even if it’s just bewilderment.
Here are some of mine:
“You deserve to be loved the way that you love”
^oh, you mean completely & purely?
“You need to accept responsibility for the part you played in this”
^you mean the part where I felt alone during my pregnancy, single handedly raised our daughter, cried myself to sleep many nights because you wouldn’t get near me in bed?
I’m sure everyone here has a mind boggling quote they could pull out that we could all dissect. But why waste our time? In the end all it boils down to is he is right, you are wrong, he has no conscience and feels no guilt and is incapable of accenting full responsibility for his actions.
That’s really all it is. It’s not just that they suck, it’s that they’re also NOT that deep.
I think my “favorite” of the X’s was, “Are you sure this (the divorce) is what you want?” He and AP were living together at the time too!
Mine was more of me asking him “Are you sure this divorce is what you want?” and he answered “i guess”……14 years together, stood by your side repeatedly thru your many fuck up, 2 beautiful, wonderful and marvelous boys later and you fucking GUESS!?!?!?!
God forbid you actually MAKE A FUCKING DECISION on your own. this way he is still not accountability, you see it is NOT HIS FAULT that we got divorced. i was the one who did it.
Ayup. Mine, too. I asked, “Do you want a separation?” Him:”No.” — “Do you want to work on us?” “No.” — Me: “So then it’s divorce.” Him:”Whoa! Wait a minute! I’m not ready to go there yet!” — W.T.F???? Those are the only options on the menu, buddy. He got very wishy-washy with me at the end, which really made me hate him. How dare he. How DARE he try to make me feel SORRY for him as he was throwing me aside like an old shoe??? Even thinking of it now makes me just fucking furious.
What is with the whole they cheat and do as that please but the minute the faithful spouse chooses to say enough and enforces it with divorce the cheater is all ‘what are you doing that for?????’
My cheater was very good at minimising what he had done and then would round of his narrative with ‘I hope that we can restore our marriage but it doesn’t seem possible as she would need to X,Y and Z. So when I filed for divorce and before it was final he had announced his new relationship people just assume that, well I ended it so he is entitled to move on.
Still make me angry that he could cheat but in many peoples minds the ending of our marriage is on me.
Freeing him from any responsibility.
Thankful:
I totally get you on that. I hate that, because I’m the one who filed because he walked out on us, people look at me as the one who “quit.” But, the people who know me know the truth. Their opinions are the only ones that matter to me anyway. Still burns though. 🙁
Got one of these gems from the X over the weekend, I asked him to find the title to MY car, unfortunately it is in his name and I want it NOT in his name. His response “why?”.
It is amazing to start to really see their manipulation & control for what it is. We have a son that will keep me tied to his disordered ass for the next 10 years…. it should be enough… but he will grasp at ANYTHING he can hold onto. Fucktard.
One of my head-scratching favorites was:
“This could have been handled differently”
Said after I suceeded in divorcing him, in spite of him putting up huge resistance (he wanted more Cake!). I actually gave him THREE YEARS to stop hanging with/getting blow jobs from the insane neighbor! He can never say I didn’t give him a chance to mend his ways! But somehow, it could have been handled better, according to a Kook.
Oh yes, I got “I should have handled it differently” too! So there is a different, better way to cheat on your pregnant wife?
The most unbelievable and insulting thing he said to me was that the whore that he fucked in a hotel two weeks earlier told him he couldn’t talk to me any more. Sorry.
huh? well he wasnt talking to the whore when he was fucking her either. so that kind of blows the whole “i didnt have anyone to talk to ” excuse
what a dumbass
Hopeful Cynic gets a point over FreeWoman, because her husband at least phrased it in the active tense: ” *I* should have handled it differently.” — Like FreeWoman, my XH was a natural with the passive tense, “It could have BEEN HANDLED…” By whom? Well, that’s just nit-picking. YOU know what I mean. My XH’s final emails were chock full of passive-tense sentences. Things “just happened.” And “nothing to be done about” x, y or z…. Never an “I should have” or “I did”….
Oh, I didn’t notice the passive tense, I just knew it felt stupid, like he believed in magic! Is that what cake-eating is to them? LOL
There’s a magical place, where she loves me just as much as before I fucked the neighbor (and lots of other women, too), and she doesn’t care, so she keeps paying our bills, and cooking me yummy dinners
“He says he doesn’t feel sorry for any of it. He just feels bad. ”
In other words, he’s bad at feeling sorry.
No remorse. Nothing to work with. Ring the lawyer.
Exactly, Nomar. Zero remorse. A secret relationship for 20 YEARS!!! You keep something secret because you probably know it is wrong or would be unacceptable to your spouse. The cheater knows better. He feels bad it isn’t a secret anymore. Nothing to work with there.
In the cheaters mind, expressing regrets is only for something that was not good for him(/her) to experience. Cheating was fun, we are still here, so of course, no regrets.
Tempest nails it.
My own thoughts, when I read the headline of this day’s blog was to put it through the UBT (Universal Bullshit Translator): I don’t feel sorry; I just feel bad translates to I had a good thing going; too bad I got caught!
My STBX hasn’t really admitted to himself that he’s cheating. He finally told his brother that he’s getting a divorce (6 months after I filed), and that he’s “found” someone else. I will tell his brother the truth. Of course, his brother is a cheater, too.
For what it’s worth, I’m trying hard to remember when STBX actually apologized for anything. I realize that my retrospective is likely to overlook the handful of times over 17 years of marriage where he ever apologized for anything, but the fact is that he just didn’t say “I’m sorry.”
In retrospect, that reluctance to apologize is a clear sign that he never really wanted to admit that he’d behaved badly.
yes, that is the story exhole is telling everyone too. we got divorced and he “found” someone new. everyone seems to really like the oompa loompa hootrat, i just dont understand how. she is so fake her ass squeeks like plastic when she walks. it used to drive me nuts that his people were so happy that he found someone who loves him, who respects him and takes care of him…..WTF was i people? but HEY she is fun!! she likes to drink, it doesnt bother her to sleep on the living room in whoevers house they ended up at, partying till all hours of the night, SHE doesnt have to worry about getting kids to school or paying bills or feeding anyone or making sure homework is done or the clothes are clean. she is so much more fun then his hateful exwife (me)
but now i really dont care. i had to remind myself that i really did not LIKE his people anyhow.
Wow, MrsVain, how have we not crossed paths before? “I had to remind myself that I really did not like his people anyhow” is SO TRUE!! When I think of “what I lost,” I never liked those people. They were all like him. Fun at a party, yes. But I’m a bit long in the tooth to be dancing around a bonfire at 4:30 in the morning, kids or no kids!
“I know this is difficult and that it hurts, and I’m sorry about that. It was not meant to hurt you.”
“I’m sorry you have been hurt, but there are reasons this happened. This did not just happen in a vacuum.”
And to our son, “So I guess I’m the one who gets all the blame here?”
All I have ever gotten is a couple of half hearted ‘Sorry, but…” apologies which relieve them of responsibility and blameshift; and apologies “as if” meant to mouth the right words so they can control the narrative (“Well, I’ve apologized and accepted the blame for my part in this, but he/she is just completely unreasonable and accepts absolutely no part of the responsibility for what happened to our marriage”).
They all seem to work from the same bizarre playbook.
It is interesting how much they lie and blame shift.
Chumpguy–“This didn’t happen in a vaccum.” My cheater wants his script back from your cheater.
Wish I’d replied, “No, it happened in her vajayjay, on the single bed in her grotty grad student apartment.”
My X also tried a version of that line on my daughter, and even at age 13, she saw through it. “This wasn’t entirely my fault!” Daughter, “Yes it was.” Last words she uttered to him, 4 months ago.
Now, that’s funny! The lines I wish I had at the time I needed them.
My son’s response to the “I guess I get all the blame here?” was “Well, yes.” She has very little clue as to what’s happening in her son’s life and seemingly, could really care less.
Chumpguy, when I broke the news to my family that STBX was having an affair, my sister’s daughter was in the same room. She passed along a note to my sister, asking “what the bleep [sic] is Uncle “Dick” doing to Aunt kb?” My sister tried to do the age-appropriate, “well, Uncle Dick is not quite in his right mind and has a girlfriend…” but my niece was having none of it. She very angrily told my sister that I needed to get a divorce. That niece was 10 at the time.
Kids can get it just fine. Tempest’s daughter does, and your son certainly does. It doesn’t mean he won’t forge his own relationship with his mother, but at least he knows why there’s a divorce.
Oompa loompa is (or should i say was because i really dont know anymore) telling everyone who would listen how God puts people in your life when you need them. and how they “were meant to be” so i posted on her fb “God wouldnt never send you someone elses husband”. do you think she got it? nope, she just lol’ed and reshared it out. zero conscious.
“ACCEPT SOME RESPONSBILITY!!!” says the man who hasn’t filed taxes in umpteen years…. NEVER pays child support on time or in full AND spends money on workout “programs”, competitions & supplements before paying bills and rent…….. yeah….. that means a WHOLE lot coming out of HIS mouth directed at me….. just WOW!!
“I’m sorry I was having so much fun shooting the gun in the house and you got hit by a bullet. My gun-shooting in the house was not meant to hurt you. DON’T BLAME ME!!! I’M GOOD!!!”
Mine wasn’t a Liar. Lol, he told “white lies” because he wasn’t really doing anything Wrong, so it was OK to tell White Lies about it. Like in the same category when your coworker asks if you like her new hairstyle. You know, social niceness.
not Juliet, mine would try to avoid lying by not admitting things nor denying them, by avoiding answering questions and by changing the subject. It wasn’t a problem for me, as I knew what I knew (and guessed a whole lot more) and just acted like it was a given. But even my then pre-teens recognized what he was doing!
So it’s OK to cheat and deceive and betray and hide stuff, but he didn’t want to feel bad about actually telling a straight-out LIE, I guess …… Pathetic.
Apparently, lying and cheating should never be actually called those things. x told our daughter that he had not cheated with schmoopie, they were only friends. Whew what a relief. He “only started seeing” schmoopie after I moved out of our house, he had already left, poof in a matter of 1 hour, packed his shit and he was gone. I was supposed to stay at our old house, you know just in case x wanted to return if things didn’t work out. Yay me relegated to the back-up plan!! My daughter tells him, you were cheating dad, he just “couldn’t” wrap his head around the word “cheating”.
Linda.. it really sucks.. the mindfuckery. I am in the throws of it too.
Look, you can’t figure these people out.. it comes down to that they are raging narcissists and all they care about is themselves.. everyone else is secondary to their desires. They want what they want and they can’t be sorry, because then it means they have done wrong.. and they have done NO WRONG.
“THIS is difficult…IT hurts…sorry about THAT. IT was no meant…. Not a single noun naming what she did.
“I’m sorry that you have been hurt” means “You’ve been hurt and I feel sorry about THAT but for the life of me, I can’t admit in this sentence that I hurt you…”
Indefinite pronouns. Passive voice. “I’m sorry” followed by a passive voice clause.” Recipe for a faux apology.
This was a response to ChumpGuy’s post above.
Got it, thanks! Thinking back, this deflection and fauxpology was somewhat typical of our entire marriage.
“What happened to your sense of humor? I was KIDDING.”
“I’m sorry if that came out the wrong way, but here is why I said/did what I did.”
“My God, you are so sensitive.”
“I’m sorry I snapped out, but here is why I did. Now after I have explained why I felt the way I felt, can you understand why I was upset?”
Can count on one hand the number of times she apologized and truly owned something during a 30+ year marriage. Much of this is trivia, but I believe it provides a clue to the mindset.
Having been caught, cheaters know that normal people expect them to be “sorry,” to feel bad about the other person’s pain, to have some guilt over being an untrustworthy, lying, cheating jackass. But disordered cheaters don’t feel any of that. So they try to fake it. This level isn’t even Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse. This is just one level above denial. Linda2, nomar says it well above. There’s nothing to work with here. The “younger you” would have the right idea. See the attorney and make sure you get what you need to start over.
Because, really, who can explain a 20-year affair with someone who calls him “sexy beast”? Trying to imagine a friend calling me that in print…just would not happen. And what a sad specimen of OW, living with scraps for 20 years. LInda2, don’t settle for his scraps!
LovedAJackass, OW is married and happily eating her own cake! Her husband was in Iraq supporting our airmen during the time she was begging the sexy beast to drive the three hours to her place to “visit”. I checked on fb and she has quite a few men telling her she is just fabulous. Skankawhorus is a very busy OW.
Linda2–“Skankawhorus”——–priceless!!!! The main other OW in my geometric parallelogram of fuckedupdom is a true skankawhorus. She’s on her EIGHTH MARRIAGE! She’s no Liz Taylor, believe me. Just a predatory disease sharing whore.
The only way the word sorry applies to any situation is if your actions acknowledge you are sorrowful. Words are useless if not backed up by actions. Don’t hear the words, watch the behavior. Behavior is what they are really trying to say.
A wonderful post today. My favorite line from cheater is “This is a catastrophe (because I got caught) and I am deeply wounded by this whole thing (meaning that I got caught) and just need a chance to heal (because I got caught.)
Dr. Phil said any sentence that has “but” in it should be divided. What is said after the “but” is the true statement. You can use “altho” or any other word that divides the sentence in half. I never thought about it but it is on the money.
Precisely. I’ve applied a similar rule to decide who the true friends are and who I can trust to be my friend. Those who say “What he did was wrong, but everyone deserves happiness” and not my friends… those who say, “everyone deserves happiness, but what he did was wrong” are people with the same values as me.
Linda2… Yup… U are being mindfucked… grabbing you by both ears and going to town. Your head is going to be full of mind bending swimmers. He has planted the seeds of doubt. You need to go full Vulcan on his ass… Use your logic. Be Spock like… Logical , unemotional and use the Nerve Pinch…. Find the pressure point ….they all have one. Get the info that you need. The documents that you need…. And start applying firm direct pressure.
Mine wrote in an email the day after I kicked him out “i regret nothing except that you got hurt”. I concluded at that moment how grateful I should that OW took on the task of servicing old numbnuts. He was embarrassing anyway, never did have any integrity. I should have seen it and probably did but not wanting to be alone made me spackle too long.
I always think the worst part of being chumped is realizing how badly tuned one’s picker is.
“The name Sexy Beast was just a joke, yada, yada…”
Oh yes, I got that explanation too. See, this woman with whom he shared hundreds of daily texts was being sexually harassed at work, and he was teasing her about it. That’s what the sexts were about. He was joking!
WTF.
Glad you are getting your ducks in a row. Sorry you’re dealing with asshole.
Even if he was ‘joking’ about such a thing – its still a fucking jackarse thing to do. Sexual harrassment is no joke – did he really think he was being funny about it? What a tool.
Schmoopie told her boss that x was harassing her. Good for him, what comes around goes around. I found that absolutely hilarious. When he’s asked about why he left his job, he says it’s a long story. Sure it’s a long story, what a tool.
What one finds out is…. The I’m sorry I hurt your feelings…. Or I’m sorry I disrespected you… Are not true versions of I’m sorry! What it means is you are getting close to the truth but I am not ready to quit the affairs!
I got the infamous “I’m sorry I hurt you” and the lesser known “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance before I slept with howorker.” Give me a chance to what? Dance prettier and give him more kibbles?
Take it from someone who did the reconciliation limbo for 3 years: Sorry is as sorry does. They can’t do “sorry” unless they are sorry for “their bad choices” and demonstrate that by their actions like seeking individual counseling; reading a book or 500 about how they can help you heal; voluntary transparency which should not be confused with joining the marriage police- force.
You don’t see any of that and much more then you have nothing to work with. Lawyer up Linda2!!
Sorry he didn’t give YOU a chance?
Unless he meant sorry he didn’t give you a chance to divorce him first, then that is blaming at its finest.
He was/is the ultimate blame-shifter. He pretty much never took responsibility for his own actions. He managed to live about 48 years before anyone leveraged serious consequences on him for his actions and I was the someone who got to do that.
Oh well “Our marriage was over anyway” so he really didn’t do anything wrong (insert sarcasm font here!)
exhole was 38, but same story. i am sure he spins the “our marriage was over a long time ago” story, of course he really didnt do anything wrong……actually he really didnt do anything at all is more like it. we lasted 14 years because i am a dedicated, hard working, hard loving woman not because he did anything
You got that right.. and if they had the character to do all those things, they probably wouldn’t be a cheater.
I have no idea if ex is sorry or even regrets what he did. He took off quickly after affair was uncovered. He is now engaged to a woman who wasn’t the OWhore. I’m sure he is so “romantically” in love with this new woman he probably feels it was all worth it. My therapist said that one day he may regret what he did today, tomorrow, on his death bed, etc. but IT DOESN’T mean he’ll ever tell me.
I totally get that. My Cheater went completely NC at Dday. The only way I know that he knows he got caught was he has done some (but not all) the items on the email I sent him outlining the exorcism from my life. Couldn’t even care enough to send a text, “I’m sorry”. And the mindfuckery……WOW! each day I am learning more and more of how deep it went and for how long.
His OWhore, and even that is not how low she is, is a predator. This whore was the ex-girlfriend from before we met. When we were dating she would text him occasionally, then about 6 months into the relationship she supposedly texted him about getting together for sex and “she doesn’t care that he’s engaged or married. She won’t tell”. He “claimed” he responded calling her a whore, etc. However, he did not fess up about the conversation until he was caught lying about her. His cell phone caught him then. (However, the conversation had been deleted…..so, who knows what he really said). And he “promised if he ever heard from her again he’d tell me” (He did tell me about a year + later when she texted and I was standing right there) but other than that…….Obviously not. Now the question for this chump is if they stayed in contact the whole time (years and years) and how long this “connection” has really been going on or if I was chumped the entire time.
So, at minimum an apology would be nice, however, my therapist said to not expect one. He had his plan in place which included all the lies, cheating and stealing and it is somehow my fault for all that happened (in his narcissistic cheater brain). Textbook blameshifting. Gaslighting at it’s finest. This fucktard won’t even settle matters so I can rid his existence from my life. And I have taken the high road. I am reconsidering my path. Obviously playing by different sets of rules, but that is not surprising as obviously we were in different relationships.
I think I have CHUMP tattooed on my forehead in neon.
It’s amazing how hard it is to get rid of some cheating spouses! I also tried to take the high road, but then when I kept moving forward with attorneys and divorce, he went all scorched earth on me!
He scuttled three signed house sale contracts, until on the last one I had to scream that I was going to have my lawyer take the last one to show the judge! Finally our house got sold, but I had a persistant facial tic from that neurotic mess, that I had for nine months! It was a horrible reminder, sometimes you have to get ugly with them.
WhatAChump2015, OW and CH used to live together before I met my husband. Their relationship must have been amazing…he thinks there were 4 abortions in the 2 years they were together. But he doesn’t have an exact count. WTF? If I had know all of that at the beginning, I am sure I would have backed away from the guy!
WhatAChump2015,
Welcome! These disordered types are such a social burden. What a hideous load they put on society. The more people who see them for who they are, the better.
Apologies don’t mean shit when someone has made the unilateral, fucked up, decision to cheat. When a toddler hits a peer the last thing I do is make that child apologize. They aren’t sorry. That toddler meant that action. What I do address is the hurtful behavior. “Johnny, we don’t hit our friends. That is NOT okay.” All while holding and comforting tearful one, and commenting on feelings. Which usually brings a normal child to tears and an understanding that what they did was not okay. Some children are taught that “sorry” erases poor behavior but it does not. One child may reach forward to hug and are surprised the peer they hit pulls back/won’t play with them. So another explanation is appropriate. “Susie doesn’t feel like hugging/playing with you, she is still sad/mad… in a little while you can try again.” Consequences are good, even with two year olds.
My ex never apologized because he. wasn’t. sorry. He wanted his new life, and to be honest, he had so badly fucked up ours, that his only option was to move forward. He didn’t care about who it hurt. He didn’t care when he chose to cheat and he didn’t care when I finally put the pieces together. So good riddance, dickhead. Life is too short and I deserve better.
“He had so badly fucked up ours, that his only option was to move forward.” THIS is it in a nutshell. These people know they’ve screwed up and the only way to live with it is to make up a new story line for themselves. What else can they do but spin it this way: A new life ahead! A new love! Happiness that I deserve! Leave the wreckage behind! And of course… The marriage/relationship/family life was over anyway!
That is exactly what my cheater did. I am still convinced he never intended to leave me for OW but when I found out despite his years of hiding serial cheating, and confronted him that very night, after laughing in my face and calling me crazy, once he admitted it he 180’d into this elaborate “she is wonderful” routine and revised our entire history 16 yrs together was all a nightmare supposedly. He left that night and never came back, still lives with OW 1.5 yrs later. Tells friends “it was meant to be” but that night, he was a deer in the headlights. He was scared to death because he didn’t know if she was going to financially support him the way I did all those years. It was quite terrifying for someone who’s never lived on their own, not had a real job in over 20 years, and suffers from a serious personality disorder. Ha!
I should mention, though, that he generously informed me that night (DDay) that “if it doesn’t work out with her, I can totally see us getting back together!” said cheerfully! “You don’t understand,” I said; “if you are leaving me for OW you are NEVER getting back together with me.”
Wren, I couldn’t have said it any better, matter of fact you said what ex said in so many f’up words.
I never got an “I’m sorry”. I just got: “I know that I’ve hurt you more than can ever be repaired, but I do care about you and your future.” 18 years together and that’s it. Thanks for the parting thoughts…fucktard.
After 31 years my ex kept saying “I care about your wellbeing.” It made me crazy because he sure as hell didn’t seem like he did. At the time I didn’t realize he was actually expecting me to do the pick me dance, but looking back I realize I was in secret competition with his married coworker.
Once I found his journal I was sitting on the couch crying my eyes out one morning. He tried to put his arms around me to comfort me, but then he started crying so hard he couldn’t. He said “I don’t know how we get back after this.” I think that’s when he decided he’d been playing with fire and accidentally set the house on fire. It was easier just to move forward with his own life. In looking back I agree that it was too far gone at that point to save, but I didn’t want to believe it at the time.
Still, I am grateful that he didn’t fight too hard over a decent settlement. He didn’t squander our retirement. He didn’t leave me destitute like I’ve seen happen to some of my friends. I try to be grateful for what I can.
Cindy and Lyn, our exes can no more care for our well being or our future than can the cat next door. Because, said cat is not in my life, not in my lap, and belongs to, and loves, my neighbor. I am not even on that cat’s radar! Much like my ex. :). I no longer give my ex any credit for being a credible human being. He cares about one thing. Himself!
I like that analogy, Drew. It’s so true – their happiness is paramount. It hurts to be a chump – but I’d rather be a chump than a soulless bastard.
Great analogy, Drew. That’s the hardest part of this whole thing. We never really were part of their lives, we were more like the can of tuna that the neighbor puts out every once in a while, we make an appearance in their twisted reality, for whatever we can be used for.
Yup. After 23 years I got “Do I care about you? Yes. Am I in love with you? No!” And, “At least I wish you well.”
Cindy–I know, mine said, “I want you to be happy,” and I thought, “I want you to get internal parasites.”
Tempest, well, at least they get OW/OM – they’re parasite! Haha!
I try not to get too bent out of shape about it these days – I tell myself: “What’s an apology anyway from a liar?” 🙂
Well, I’m glad he’s feeling bad – quite right too. Sadly, that’ll be your fault in his mind – nothing to do with what he’s done. Self-reflection? Standing in someone else’s shoes? Not talents any of them have managed to develop.
So sorry you have this arsehole in your life, Linda. Good luck with the lawyer x
Ex told me he ‘couldn’t imagine what I was feeling’ because, you know, he wasn’t me. Or something. It was one of many moments where I realised ‘This guy is fucked in the head’. How can you not know or try to understand what someone else is feeling? the sort of person who doesn’t care how their actions impact another person can do that, actually.
And the goofy thing is I used to spent hours trying to figure out how my ex was feeling, how to reach him, etc. Wish I’d spent more time thinking about myself instead of him!
He was still pursuing me after I moved out and I asked “How do you think it makes me feel to know you are romancing and having sex with another woman?” His reply made me feel like my head may explode, “I have no idea. I never thought about it.” He said it with genuine wonder and it may have been one of the few times he was honest. This took place over the phone and I can still remember the physical sensation. And, yet, I kept on trying to get back together for quite a while thereafter. Ugh. This lack of empathy made much more sense when I later learned about Cluster B personality disorders. He checked a lot of boxes…
Right again, CL.
He’s saying he “feels bad” but he’s not “sorry” because his ego is more important that the pain he caused he. THAT’s what he’s saying. He’s saying that his consideration of the pain he caused you is a DISTANT second to the ego-stroking that he got out of the affair.
He’s not sorry for selfishly pursuing his own interest because to him that’s exactly what a marriage should entail: one person selfishly pursuing his/her self interest while the other is there for all the day-to-day support.
That’s cheaters for you. They feel “bad” that their selfish decisions hurt people. But they’re not “sorry” about them, because being “sorry” implies that what they did was wrong. And ask any one of them–even the ones who lost their families, friends, homes, and jobs because of their cheating. 99 percent of them will not be able to say, “What I did was wrong,” without adding some sort of qualifier or justification: sexless marriage, hormonal imbalance, sex addition, NPD, FOO issues, life stress, etc. We’re all the heroes of our own stories.
It’s ironic that only chumps, who have the capacity for introspection and empathy, can ever see themselves as the villain.
(BTW, I don’t know the details your situation, but I find it laughable that anyone would claim to have a 20-year inappropriate friendship/EA. My eyebrows aren’t even raised in skepticism…because I’m not skeptical. I just flat-out don’t believe it. And I wonder why you do. Adults who are willing to cross emotional boundaries are very willing to cross physical boundaries mere weeks later. 20 years of an EA without a PA is a lie. Your husband is lying to you. End of story.)
Spot on, JC. There’s nothing to discuss other than how much will Linda get in the settlement. 20 years of mystery friendship? Sure they weren’t fucking for at least 19.5 of those years. Linda, run. Run fast and hard and get everything you are legally allowed.
Spot on, JC as always! I was going to write something about this 20 year long EA without any sex and/or contact didn’t add up also I just forgot to write something about it. So very sad that these people spend so much energy on affairs and having to remember the correct stories to tell the spouse and the AP and to be honest with you it would be less energy just to be a faithful and honest spouse and also the money they would safe without the cost of the AP and then having to deal with the cost of divorce. How do they find the time to do this all? These disorder people are just not smart at all! Poor little sausages.
correction *the money they would saved and not safe.
“How do they find the time to do this all?”
Agreed, Beth.
I said this multiple times before becoming a chump, myself. There are not enough hours in the week for me to handle two separate relationships. It seems like it would be exhausting!
And when I became a chump, I saw that this was true. My ex-wife was a mess: forgetful, sleepless, scattered, angry at anything that didn’t go perfectly, etc. Maintaining two lives in hard work, and it drains cheaters more than they realize.
Wouldn’t it have been nice if they’d put all those hours and efforts into improving their marriage instead? They think the grass is greener on the other side, but their grass would have been just as green if they’d watered it more.
Speaking of grass, I went by my old house, where STBX and OW are residing now after STBX demanded I stay away from the property until Saturday when he would have the rest of my stuff ready for me because it’s so hard to get my items together. (Mind you, this has been a three month battle to get photo albums and LPs). Fueled by anger, my desire to stay NC and move towards MEH, I went to the house when I knew no one would be home, and into the back yard and found all my stuff, all ready to go. The lies to keep me away!! Anyway, my point was that the grass was not very green. In fact, weeds and dirt had overtaken the front and the back, paint is peeling and there is an odor. After loading 30 boxes into my SUV, as I was driving away, I saw my own lovely melon colored rose bush fighting for it’s life. I pulled over, picked it up, thorns and all, and stuffed in in the front seat. No way that lovely rose was going to stay in THEIR world. And do you know what? This morning it was in full bloom on my porch, making my morning spectacular and more on the way to MEH than ever!
Agreed. He is a liar! I have no idea what actually happened. He only admits to a friendship that was not acceptable to me.
Yes, liars will avoid telling the whole truth until the day they die.
My ex copped to an EA after 3 months of asking for answers. I gave her another 3 months but had to move on, as she didn’t stop (and it was a PA, not an EA) even while demanding that I work on the marriage in therapy.
She did use a similar term to “not acceptable,” though. My ex said she “explored a curiosity beyond what is appropriate for our marriage.” Frankly, I can’t think of a better euphemism for cheating.
With the benefit of hindsight, it’s all so fascinating. Enduring it, however, is another matter.
Well, I wish you the best, Linda2.
Whenever I would express how much my ex’s relationships with his female coworkers was hurting me he’d say “sorry,” but it didn’t change anything. He rarely apologized, almost never in fact. He did acknowledge that he knew he’d hurt me deeply once, but I don’t think he had enough empathy to really understand. He seemed to be missing an emotion chip. Whether this was because of his scientific and linear brain, or the result of being punished as a child for showing emotion, I’ll never know. He definitely saw showing emotion as weakness.
On the other hand, I apologized over and over because that’s what I do. As a kid I learned to apologize for things that weren’t my fault to keep the peace. So I guess me and my ex were at opposite ends of the spectrum. Neither way is very healthy.
Anyway, they say life becomes better once you accept the apology you never got.
I was the same way, Lyn. And I hope to be able to finally reach that point of accepting the apology that never was spoken.
Funny how you look back at your marriage and remember that you and your children were constantly walking on eggshells because something we said or did would trigger a rant about how we were blaming him for some slight. We’d apologize constantly and try to stay clear of him when the cycle began.
He’d take a simple statement like “it’s raining pretty heavily this morning” and tell us that we were blaming him for the water dripped in the front entry or that we were angry he didn’t park the car in the garage so we’d be wet getting into it…WTF? Innocent comment … twisted into recriminations and insults to his precious ego.
Both of my sons mentioned to me that through all his drinking and all his empty promises to fix things he never once apologized for his behaviour. He always told us we were blaming him for things, told us how we were feeling about him, told us what we thought of him. The oldest got slapped for angrily shouting back at him that maybe his telling us what his family was thinking was actually how x really felt about himself and he was too f**ked up to admit it to himself. He did apologize for the slap but thankfully it was the only time he ever pulled that shit.
And even when all the crap came up about his infidelity including porn, hookers, his best friend’s wife, dating websites and exposing me to STDs while pregant and nursing he still never apologized for what he did. He said sorry for ever having done something that would make me feel hurt or make me feel bad. And it was all because he was drinking. Alcohol use may precipitate bad acts but sobering up should get your prick to stop migrating to strange. Basically he apologized for my reactions not his deeds.
Then he got all in my face with his lawyer about I had no right to let our sons know about his adultery as it would damage their father son relationship. Screw that…his catting around had nothing to do with why the youngest hated his guts prior to him leaving. Nor did it make the oldest talk about his father with sadness about his selfishness. Neither one liked him prior to me telling them Daddy had grown apart from me since Day 1 by having sex with other women throughout our marriage.
What a bloody waste of time my entire marriage was being loyal to a narcissistic pig.
Now I think of my marriage as simply me living with a sperm donor room mate while raising our children. Just too paid I helped pay for and support his educations and career aspirations.
If and when I date hopefully I will see the red flags and bypass any relationship with a self absorbed ass.
Oh My Giddy Aunt!!! i completely forgot about THIS
“He’d take a simple statement like “it’s raining pretty heavily this morning” and tell us that we were blaming him for the water dripped in the front entry or that we were angry he didn’t park the car in the garage so we’d be wet getting into it…WTF? Innocent comment … twisted into recriminations and insults to his precious ego.
Both of my sons mentioned to me that through all his drinking and all his empty promises to fix things he never once apologized for his behavior. He always told us we were blaming him for things, told us how we were feeling about him, told us what we thought of him.
i cant not remember how many times he would twist an innocent statement into me blaming him for something. it was always sooOOOooo off the wall, i would stand there literally STUNNED how he could come up with that. like if i told him the washer was making a bad noise, he would start screaming how it is NOT his fault, and he did not break the washer. i would stand there, mouth open, staring at him and start to dance….”Nobody said it was your fault EXHOLE, i was just trying to let you know that the washer was breaking down and was hoping you would/could look at it and fix it”
i got so tired of trying to word it correctly and still he would go off the deep end on something seemingly innocent. it was exhausting for me. and then the other thing about blaming him for things that we never blamed him for, or telling me how i was feeling about him when i never said that (oh but i can tell you think that way, i can see it in your eyes, i can see it in your attitude to me…etc) i was so sick and tired of hearing the “nothing i ever do is good enough for you” comment. NEVER, NOT once, did i EVER say a single word about his half ass efforts or attempts. never did i make a funny face or complain. in fact i would thank him for even the smallest thing (oh how nice that you picked up your dirty clothes and put them in the clothes hamper, i really appreciate it) GAG!!!
poor fragile little boy
OMG!! THIS ^^^ it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO awesome being here, the validation is invaluable!!! I could NEVER word anything right… EVER!! And he NEVER EVER heard WHAT I said….. what he HEARD was NEVER what came out of my mouth!!
I say: “The decisions you make don’t just affect you”….. or “Why do you continue to hand over money to fix daughter’s car, you need to make her pay for part of it, you are not teaching her to be responsible”…… “You need to get your taxes straightened out so that your child support can be re-visited and it will be affordable”…… “I love you and I know you work hard….but…. you taking (2) golf trips with the guys when WE haven’t been able to afford to go ANYWHERE in 7 years is hurtful”….. “Please stop letting your Dad plan family parties at our house on Sunday’s without talking to me first”……. and on and on….
What did he hear????????????? “Oh…. I’m just a piece of SHIT!!”
(I have NEVER said that…. even to this day, well… maybe recently…. but not to his face anyway)
yes, I got the ‘I’m sorry’ statement too meaning that he was only sorry he got caught. He was no deeper than that.
The text he sent to the OW I caught him with said ‘ByeBye knows we have been spending time together. You don’t deserve this and neither does she.’ WTF? He apologized (if you can call it that) to her first and then as an after thought, to me too. I can only assume he was trying to keep the door open with her.
Cheater apologies are just was worthless as they are.
I got “I’m sorry you feel so bad about this.” That’s it.
The “I’m sorry I hurt you but I won’t give up my fetish (fetish practiced with others)” was an eye opener to me. It put in perspective cheater’s absolute glee at his power to hurt me and to continue to do so, cloaked in false remorse. He is a domination freak. It’s his brand of “special” that disguises his emptiness. No moments of self-reflection for cheater. No periods of quiet except when he sleeps and then it must be like a tomb. The TV or radio must be playing at all times to fill the void of his lack of emotions and his boredom. This is part of what drove his infidelity, IMHO. Lack of character, huge entitlement issues? Hell yes! But that empty shell needs constant filling with exogenous feelings and emotion. Cheater is like a vampire ready to overtake his next victim for his life’s blood.
i like to compare them to leeches. i actually like vampires and you know there are some good vamps out there.
Interesting… X#2 always had to have the radio on during sex. It would have been the TV, but I put my foot down. I still remember the nasty fight we had over that. It really killed the buzz when ads would start playing in the middle of you-know-what. Why even bother with doing me, if it was so boring you had to have something playing in the background just to get through it?
I guess it’s fortunate he didn’t want to play canasta….
“I’m sorry I will never be the husband you want me to be”
Too effing right you won’t, sunshine. The husband I wanted kept it in his pants.
This whole sorry not sorry bullshit is just pathetic-cheaters use our anger to do their dirty work for them.
No contact, and file, and remember, sorry is as sorry does, and cheaters are a sorry, sorry lot. Better off without.
love to Chump Nation
x-Meh.
Just remembered…. last week I got a “sorry” text toward the end of one of our text wars and he typed “Im sorry. I really mean it.” and I typed back “Sorry for what? About what?” and you know what I got….. CRICKETS……. this exchange was at 10:45am on Thursday and the next text I received from him was Friday evening. Such a perfect prick.
BTDT, Stevie, multiple times! I would get a non-apology like ‘I’m sorry we drifted apart’, to which I’d reply ‘WHAT????’, this would change to ‘I’m sorry I did things that drove you away’, and I’d ask ‘what things?’, and …. crickets.
Zero responsibility for ANYTHING EVER. The apologies are manipulation, with perhaps some self-pity thrown in. And now he tries to say he’s become a better person, but still takes zero responsibility for any stupidities he does now. So nothing’s changed! Except that his stupidities no longer have such a big impact in my life.
Cheater ex is still on “I’m sorry” mode. He’s been sorry when caught for over 20 years of serial cheating. He still goes around telling people he is sorry and wishes he could turn back the time and undo all the cheating he has done. I wish I could believe him for one minute. We got divorced after the third OW, so obviously, he really wasn’t very sorry since he kept on cheating. Maybe sorry means something else to these cheaters? Like they truly feel sorry until their loins start taking over again?
They truly truly feel sorry they lost cake. Perhaps if they had stopped cheating just for a while at some point, or hid the cheating better, they could have kept cake. How wonderful that would have been!
KarenE, so true. I find the ex truly repulsive and pathetic. Yuck.
Yep & yep….”Sorry they weren’t able to keep the cake,” and “I find my ex truly repulsive and pathetic”.
I got an article this weekend on how to stay friends while divorced. Then I got asked about the article after a discussion of finances. Told dumbass I didn’t see anything in there that pertained to me. Got the response of “How could you not!?!” I pointed out that there was nothing in that article about infidelity. Then I hung up because lecture mode started. Then I got a text that said again that it was my fault he cheated, and that I”m as much fun to divorce as I was being married to. Gee. I had no idea that our marriage was over and that I had the power to make him cheat! At this point, it is so dumb. It is like listening to a broken record.
because divorcing someone who cheated, lie and betrayed is just one big happy party, right? seriously wtf was he thinking was going to happen? were you just suppose to smile and thank him for blowing up your whole world and the destruction of a broken heart?
dumb ass
Leia, How To Stay Friends After Divorce. Wow. This can never exist with a cheating, lying, scumbag ex. Sounds like you know this too. My advice? No more texts from dumbass, hardcore NC is best (because the disordered love kibbles and they are such a tragic mess that they will be rewriting the past, aka controlling the narrative), if you must communicate, email is best! But really ignore the crap he spews because it is not the truth and it will never make any sense. My best wishes for a better authentic life, to you and yours.
Thanks CL and my fellow chumps. I can see that I am not alone in this! After much thought and reading your stories, I have a better idea of what he really means. I think he doesn’t mean anything. There is no remorse. There is not an ounce of regret for hurting me or our kids. Nope. There is nothing. Inside his heart there is a mirror that only reflects his own image. He has no love or concern for anyone but himself. What a shame.
I’m sorry that you are here with us, but at the same time glad that you found this resource. It is a shame that he will never really know what it feels like to truly apologize for something and getting a positive response from the hurt ones. He will never get it. He doesn’t work on the same plane as you do. Please take care of yourself and your kids. He will not be taking care of your children or much less you. It’s awful when you finally realize this, you will need so much support from your family, friends and you can count on CL and CN. I hope that you and your kids can navigate this horrible, hard time with very little pain, but it’s hard to do that because of the love that you truly had for him and the slow and painful discoveries that your spouse and the father of your children doesn’t think the same way.
“There is not an ounce of regret for hurting me or our kids.” That’s an incredibly hard truth to accept, but when you do it will put you on the road to meh. Before that fact sinks in, there’s just malignant hope..
True, this, Einstein.
My husband can’t give up his EA Ho-worker. So there you go? I don’t need anymore proof. He asked me why I have to move out now. Really?? He wants his cake and eat it too. POS!!!
We told my oldest son that we are getting a divorce and my heart aches for the destruction of my family. Did this stop him? Nope! My son said he doesn’t want anyone new in his life but I bet you once I am gone that she will be here in “our” house. What assholes!!!
He is not sorry. He loves to use the analogy ” I should never have told you about the affairs because you are not the kind of woman that can handle stuff like this”. Augh!! By they way he got CAUGHT…he did not tell me!
I will try everything in my power to teach my kids that big mistakes equal huge losses!! He cheated and he lost his family, respect of his family and I am so not sorry!!!
Leolion, Be thankful you are not a woman who can “handle affairs”! This is what he has planned for his next SO (or if he’s like mine he has hooked up with someone equally fucked up). In those early days you are going to grieve so Be really kind to yourself, and your kids, as they too will be reeling from the betrayal (adolescents IMHO-12 to 25-tend to personalize the rejection and developmentally they are at a stage where they need to trust that their world-and the people in it-is safe). I found that doing new things together was cathartic in healing us. Stuff we never did, we got brave and We put ourselves first! We do what is best for us, and recognize we are family. It was difficult at first because ex was a big part of our lives, almost right up to the day he bailed, but there is better, and that is the truth.
Leolian, that’s a pretty blame-shifting statement that you’re the kind of woman who “can’t handle finding out about his affairs.” No healthy woman would be okay with that. What a jerk.
I have received lots of ‘sorry not sorry’ statements over the last 3 years since D DAY and I can tell you that it ain’t worth the wait…
Year 1 was “I am so so sorry for what and how I treated you, for destroying what we had………………that was good” ( mother f@cker – see where is was going?) “I am SO so so sorry but I feel distraught too, none of us can afford to get ill or hospitalised over this situation” (he said when I had to attend a doctor in the immediate aftermath, I never took my meds – gave them to him to help him sleep lol)
Year 2 – I got: “I said I was sorry FFS…………you always twist things what’s the fucking point!”
Year 3 -In the final throes of divorce and house sale………… ” You will never know how sorry I am for what and how I did but I am tired of trying to reason and tell you what I meant, felt and how sorry I am for how I treated you, but if you want to keep writing all the shit and hate then keep on doing it, I am not going to keep apologising or trying to make amends for my actions” ( see, he will not do it, I can’t make him!!!!!)
I don’t recall him doing anything over the 3 years to make amends because I was primarily NC apart from legal and financial shit and I called him out on every shitty thing he did whilst I paid and incurred all the expenses of the divorce that he originally fucking wanted. The guy is deluded – actually probably believes he has spent 3 years trying to make amends- when in reality he did fucking nothing!
What do you do when you discover that your 16 yr old son has the exact same character trait as their cheater father.
Nothing is ever their fault.
Their shitty decision was because they were ‘scared’ of how you would deal with the truth.
It is ok to sneak around and do stuff behind your back, no one wants to deal with consequences if they can be avoided.
They’re not responsible for their poor behaviour. The real issues are my expectations, boundaries and my desire to be respected as a person.
Such a gullible schmuck.