Today the Chump Lady blog is three years old! Cranky, mercurial, verbal — it’s definitely in its toddler stages of development. But boy how it’s grown!
After one year, in 2013, Chump Lady had 78,000 page views a month. By 2014 — 114,000. Today? The blog gets well over 300,000 page views a month — and the blog odometer is 5.1 MILLION.
Apparently, a lot of people out there failed at affair proofing their marriages.
Together we have built a Chump Nation that is challenging the conventional wisdom about infidelity — that we drive people to cheat on us, that betrayal can be casual and fun if it’s for the pursuit of happiness, that chumps already knew.
Every time you speak up, comment on an article, tell someone you know they’re being chumped, don’t accept the blameshifting — you are changing the narrative. This is a big ship to turn around, but you guys are doing it!
Keep being mighty! And have some cake today! (The real kind, not the affair stuff.) Happy birthday!
Wow! I’m first!!! Happy happy birthday Chumplady! So many would be lost without you and this wonderful community space you have created.
Tracy, without you, we’d all still be rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Thanks to you, we’re sailing off on calmer seas to peaceful places of our own.
I can only hope that your blog is part of a bigger narrative that’s needed to turn this morally bankrupt country around. So goes the home so goes the Nation. Keep up the good work!
My thoughts exactly.
Morally bankrupt world, you mean. America is not the only country which has fucktards.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I’m so grateful for your work. I guarantee you have saved lives. Mine especially. Keep it up.
This site, your point of view and thoughts on affairs and cheating, the comments of other members of Chump Nation, have proven a beacon of light for me in some very dark times. I am so grateful. Happy Birthday Chump Lady – please know how much you’ve done for so many of us.
Totally agree. Most everything out there about infidelity blames the chump, and leaves chumps living with a lifetime of serial cheaters, because you think it’s you, and you live a life time of the “pick me dance”. How many of our chump forefathers from generations ago wasted their lives on these disordered, character deficient freaks because they had no other path to show them another way? CL and everyone here are literally saving lives and changing future generations! Happy, happy birthday and here’s to many, many more!!
I think we need a flag!
Good idea! Any suggestions on the design and colors – fellow Chumps? This could be fun ;^)
It needs some symbol to indicate boundaries–perhaps a white picket fence for irony?
Depends what it represnts… The chump nation… Or the road to Meh
For the Road to Meh…. A honey badger( cause honey badgers dont give a fuck) with the dead snake in his mouth. I think you can figure out who the dead snake is.
Too funny! Love the flag ideas. Didn’t realize the blog is only three years old! Congratulations on three years! I’ve been reading it for 18 months…started when two friends told me within 48hours of each other that their husbands had cheated in them. I NEVER thought I’d be s Chump but thanks to this blog I knew something was up right at the beginning of the affair. Once I got the truth out, I told him – I did not ask him – to move out. I did go through all the things like the pick me dance that Chump Lady says NOT to do. Yet, I did not linger. I did not wait to be his Plan B. I filed and had him served. Now, if he would just cooperate with divorce proceedings….. will just have to get a court order I guess. Looking forward to going No Contact – forever!
imadeitthrutherain, so glad you moved fast and I had a similar foot dragging asshole because he thought he could have both. Well done & have your lawyer go to the judge on the lack of response, my judge charged ex with contempt for failing to respond to discovery.
Yay! Good for you! And great that you got a Judge who charged your ex with contempt.
Your work on this blog has been incredibly helpful to so many lost and devastated people out there, myself included. It has helped us put words and even some explanations in place about events and behaviours that only defied logic.
For me, it has made me learn to pay attention to the right things in relationships, and I think this will save me a lot of grief in the coming years. Thank you for your great work.
I concur with Marci! This blog saved me and woke me up to a world of reality. I would have never started working towards MEH without Tracy’s work and words of wisdom. This is truly a birthday to celebrate!
Tracy wasn’t around when I first got chumped, but her blog helped me see the light and I finally got meh back.
Happy Birthday, many thanks, and long live Chump Lady!
I remember the day I found this site and thought, finally someone gets it. Chump Lady and Chump Nation have given me a clear perspective and truly changed my thinking. I can’t thank you enough!!! (Just so you know I told my attorney and therapist about CL so they can pass it on to their clients.) Congratulations on creating something that was so obviously needed. You are the best!
I told my therapist about this blog too!
Thank you and congratulations CL. The blog has helped me immensely!
As therapist and a former chump, I am eternally grateful for your blog!! I have directed both friends and clients to your site. Keep up the good work. You ROCK!!!!!
I know, Lina. I have spread the word to two therapists (mine & brief MC), my lawyer and one of her colleagues., several hundred university students….
same here, I sent my therapist to CL and she was receptive.
Happy Birthday Chump Lady! Thank god for your wisdom! Forever Grateful!
I still want to start Chump meetups. So we can strengthen your vision and spread the word!
Yes yes happy birthday! I read this everyday and helps me so much!! I’m understood here and I’m not alone. I live way out in the boonies with no support help or friends. The phone is my only friend here. Waiting for house price to stabilize so I can sell and be totally free!!! Ex moved us here to hide his business in the woods. Business is still here. Chump meetups would be terrific!!! Thank you from all of my heart chump nation and chump lady!!
Yay! Happy Blog Birthday. It’s important to celebrate our accomplishments! Good for you! And Thank You for being who and what you are…a champion of damaged souls and a platform for sharing and caring. I couldn’t have done it without you!
Congratulations to you, Tracy, and to all the articulate people who share their stories. I am so dedicated to this blog that I troll the other bs blogs to tell them about you. There are still many bs who believe one, two or more years after that they can find joy in their marriages. Their blogs show the opposite. What you and your fellow chumps have done is show them the first step toward freedom is manageable. Scary, but doable. I hope at some point there is a way for all of you to find each other face to face. What a concept! Decent people who find each other.
I bought your e book over the past winter & it saved my life. That & reading these daily posts and responses. I would still be sitting here, waiting for rollerdick ( he roller skates….. Shuffle skates to be exact). Google it…. He and his rollerwhore only like it if there is live organ music! I had myself convinced, after following the advice on other sites, that he was having a major mid life crisis & the roller skating was ” the replay” stage. I was the “left behind spouse” & I was my job to remain “standing” while I waited (years??, maybe never??) for him to go thru all the stages. What a load of crap.
Let me abandon our 39 year marriage, 4 kids, 5 grandkids for some adolescent dream & subsequent cheating to add the whipped cream with cherry on top. His family would have turned on me in a heartbeat. But they all think he just needs some prayers to make him snap out of it.
Rollerwhore can have him. He’s damaged, unfixable goods to me now.
Can’t wait til he is out of my life for good.
13 months since he dumped me & I moved out 5 months ago & finally found proof that his much younger whore on wheels was in his life months before he blindsided me with his wanting to be single line when he asked out of our marriage.
Now looking back, he was never emotionally present with our children or grandchildren. That’s why he can shove them aside for his new fuckbuddy. The kids say she can have him too.
Ain’t life grand !!!!!
Funny how they won’t admit it. Mine says he just wants to live alone. Bullshit.. how many guys leave their secure homes to “live alone and find themselves”… especially when talking to a MOWhore daily.
They think we are so guillable.
Totally agree! Mine kept saying before he moved into his apartment to “work on himself” that he wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing, but needed to be “happy”. However, never really articulated what exactly he was unhappy about. Now I know that it was the OWhore and he wanted his little slutshack. And wanted me to dance. Once DDay hit, I put the rest of his stuff in storage and not a peep from him sense.
Like everyone else, I was saved by this blog and the straight talk, common sense, slap upside the head wisdom of Chump Lady and everyone who has bravely posted here sharing your pain and camaraderie and your good advice. Thank you a million times!!
Happy, Happy Blog birthday, CL!! There aren’t enough words to express how thankful I am for you and Chump Nation. I KNOW I would not have made it this far if not for your book and reading this site. Thanks for sharing what is so difficult to understand AND to articulate to those who just don’t get it!! Love to you and all of Chump Nation!!
It’s not an understatement that you, your book, and this blog saved me. I was completely blindsided by my now ex’s abandonment and I was a mess. Still a bit of a mess but much better because of the help and support I’ve received here.
A thousand thank-yous to you and…..i know your book and this blog will continue to be successful.
Very Grareful Chumpfor21
I agree Chumpfor21, this site saved my life and sanity. Thank you Tracy !! And every chump here !! Happy Birthday!!
I might not have completely reached the other side, but I’m farther down the road than I ever thought possible when my heart and life were decimated, and that’s because of Tracy, her blog and all the fellow chumps here. I’m smiling/laughing, I feel worthwhile and of value (things he NEVER made me feel), and more importantly my kids are healing and thriving too. He’ll never get close enough to break our spirit or hearts again.
(((Hugs to all those who are struggling through those early days))). I will never understand why a twenty eight year relationship (and raising three beautiful children together) did not merit one talk about our future, or lack thereof. No integrity or respect whatsoever. And then to heap abuse on top, it is just so mind boggling. So Chumps, Hang in there, life is so much better without dishonest and disordered in it. Kathy, I totally get this, “He’ll never get close enough to break our spirit or hearts again.”
Thanks so much Drew !
After 30+ years together, we didn’t merit one talk either (and you are so right – that truly shows a complete lack of integrity and respect !!). “The abuse heaped on top was mind boggling” ….even more so was the pure hatred he has for me, it’s so strong he’s passed it on to his own kids, because they’re a part of me.
Coming here, and thanks to all of you here, I’m learning, my kids are learning …how much better life is “without dishonest and disordered in it”.
Happiest Birthday! THANK YOU for all of your wisdom! I look forward to your post every day and have shared with countless friends in need!
Count me another life gained
CL, many thanks for putting in so much care and work into this site. You started a mere two months after I discovered my ex-wife’s secret life, and I was lucky enough to Google-stumble upon you.
Getting chumped is such a crazy journey of mind-f#ckery. Your fundamental, clear headed and amusing approach has been a great tonic. Happy birthday.
As a blog birthday gift and way of saying thank you, I’m going to donate the most I can afford to your site/cause (Donate button upper right).
Anyone with me? Let’s show CL our gratitude! 🙂
Happy Birthday! Life saving and life changing!
I have been so grateful for this place of refuge. I only wish I had found it sooner. There was so much nonsense to plow through only to realize there was really nothing out there making sense until finding you. Thank you so much.
My dday occurred March 26, 2012. I was hooked on how to save your marriage alone websites, then I found you around June 2012. I’m pretty sure without you I would still be “standing for my marriage”. Instead, I’m divorced, run 2 businesses, and sitting back enjoying life without the daily mindfuck. Some of my best comebacks to manipulators (which I can spot better now) have been borrowed from you. Thank you just doesn’t express the gratitude I have for you.
Happy birthday! I am so inredibly thankful I found this blog only about six weeks or so past dday. It has been an absolute lifeline for me. Tracy, your great wisdom and strength (and that of Chump Nation) have taught me so much and have shown me that it is possible to survive this and come out happy, and maybe even better off, on the other side. It’s nice to have such smart, sensitive, kind companions with great senses of humor on the jnourney to Meh. Thank you, Tracy, for all your hard work and investment in creating this space that means so much and that has saved so many.
I discovered this blog in 2013. I was going into year 3 of chasing unicorns with the ex. I can’t even call it reconciliation because I was the only one reconciling over something he did.
I think I knew deep down that our marriage was over the day he decided to have an affair but I was so afraid to leave. I was with the ex for almost 24 years at that point and I married him when I was 20. It was the only life I knew. I spackled and saw remorse when there was none. I knew a lot of the things he was saying was bullshit but our marriage counselor was part of the RIC and my individual therapist wasn’t much better.
It wasn’t until I found chump lady-a link from an infidelity forum steeped deeply in RIC- that things started making sense. All the things my gut told me was wrong had some pretty common sense explanations.
I finally told him I was done by the end of 2013, got divorced in the beginning of 2014 and I’ve been no contact since March of 2014. It hasn’t been easy but if it wasn’t for chump lady and all the story here, I never would’ve had the courage to take those next steps. Seeing that so many other people survived really helped me.
Thanks to Chump Lady and Chump Nation for my cheater free life!
Your story is so much like mine but I am in the beginning. All conversations with my STBX seem to lead back to me apologizing for the things he won’t admit he’s doing/done.
I can’t wait for it to be over. I am so worn out by him. I can’t imagine 3 years. So glad you saved yourself! Thank goodness for this site.. my STBX has a way of making me feel stupid and paranoid but I know that I am NOT.
Our ill fated MC was also a part of the complex… what a waste of time, resources and energy!
newchumpatl? You do not apologise for shit he is doing – he is a fuckwit.
If he starts his narc-rage shit, you just ignore and walk away.
A very Happy Birthday to ChumpLady.com! There are no words that I can express more than just Thank you and Thank you again for developing this site and speaking the TRUTH of what these cheaters do to our lives and the people around them! I owe it to you for giving me the strength to find out the truth and the knowledge for me to educate myself about these Cluster-B Personality Disorder individuals. Thank you again!!!!! I look forward to reading your blog everyday and getting me closer to my “Tuesday-meh day”. *hugs* to you Chump Lady!
oops! I forgot to say Happy Birthday! Where are my manners?
Happy Birthday Chump Lady!
Congratulations, Tracy! So thankful for this website. It is truly a prophetic voice calling out in the RIC wilderness.
Any word on signing with a book agent and spreading the word more that way?
Hi DM. I’ve had an agent since last summer (when the book went #1 on Amazon in divorce 🙂 ) And I got a book deal in January. I’m waiting to sign the final contract (any day now….) before I make a big announcement, but I’ve mentioned it a few times here. I’ll share more details on New Book soon! But it’s with Running Press (Perseus) and comes out in March 2016!
Wow, congrats Chump Lady! I’m so happy for you. I’m looking forward to your new book.
She means 2016! lol
Oops. Corrected thanks.
Would be PERFECT if your book was released on…
Yeah, congratulations! I remember now you sharing about getting an agent. Looking forward to hearing more about the upcoming book!!!
Congrats to you. You put things in to such honest perspective
I think you need a tv show, or at least a radio show. Pitch it to OWN, or Ellen, or Bravo. There is such a huge need your your point of view. Happy Birthday!
May I take a guess as to the title of your forthcoming book?
Chump Lady – An Erotic Life
Jim Beam and Eggs for Breakfast – A Divorce Cookbook
Oh my goodness, congratulations! and thank you so very much for everything.
It’s Patriots Day up heah: where they fired the shot heard ’round the world (Lexington Green, Captain John Parker, grandfather of famous abolitionist Rev. Theodore Parker).
Relevant bon mots from this family:
JP: If they mean to have a revolution, let it begin here. (which he didn’t actually say..)
TP: The arc of the moral Universe is long, but it bends toward Justice (which, he actually did say.)
Thanks for all the kind regards you guys. Getting a little misty over here. Sniff!
Between all the emotional abuse, reconciliation industrial complex being shoved down my throat, and a bad therapist, I thought I was going crazy. Why wasn’t anyone calling this what it was?!? I felt alone, depressed and trapped. And then I found Chump Lady, breathed a sigh of relief, and finally gathered my strength through all of you. I simply wouldn’t have had the strength to leave without chump nation. Period. I’m almost a year post-divorce and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I gained a life, it’s all mine, and it feels amazing.
happy almost freedom anniversary to you singed! 🙂
Tracy, Happy Anniversary and congratulations on your impressive numbers and books. I’ve been glued to your website for over a year and it’s helped me through the worst time of my life. Thanks for creating this safe place filled with encouragement, bravery, and love.
Happy birthday Chump Lady!!!! Your blog and CN has been a life saver for me.
Happy Blog Birthday! You have helped me so much get through a horrible time in my life and continuely helping me into the future. Thank you doesn’t seem like enough to repay you for what I believe is free therapy sessions!!!!
Happy Birthday CN! Boy, did you come along just in time. I didn’t realize you were so young! Keep up the good fight, and thanks for constantly reminding me where my spine is. Love Tracy, love you all!
Happy birthday! You have been a God send for me. Finally I found the vocabulary I needed to describe what was going on- blame shifting, mindfuckery and so on. Being understood and gaining understanding are priceless. Thank you so much!
Happy Birhday, and many more!
You have created a sanctuary of sanity with this site.
Your words accelerated my healing through the Troubles, and your wit made me laugh on some of the darkest days of my life. I am ever grateful.
Happy Birthday chumplady,
CL and CN are truly the best therapy,
Sanity savers !
Love the name, ha ha wish I thought of that. Thank you Tracy you have saved my sanity
I don’t know if it was your intention to change lives when you spoke the truth, but you have, Tracy.
Thanks for that.
Happy Birthday to something you should be really proud of.
Namedforvera, Revolution is right! 😉
Tracy, I am so Thankful for your blog, the wisdom you provide, and the gifts you have.
Too, a great big Thank You to all in Chump Nation who share their stories, and their wit, and who have bared their souls here.
Happy 3rd Birthday, CHUMP LADY! And I will have that piece of cake!
Happy Birthday and congrats, Tracy. Thank you for your wit and wisdom.
I liken cheating to having a dead cow in the dining room. The RC complex says That’s not a dead cow! It’s not really lying there stinking, oozing and getting ready to explode! See, it’s really a table. It’s in your dining room, isn’t it? Throw a table cloth over it. Set it for dinner with your best china and candles! ”
You, on the other hand, walked into our dining rooms and told it like it really was.” Hey, did you know you have a dead bovine set for dinner?” Yup, it’r really a dead cow. Here, I’ll help you drag it outside.”
That is just one of the things I love about this blog. You and all my sisters and brothers in the chump nation helped me to connect the dots and finally quit blaming myself for my supposed 50 percent of the craziness that went down when cheater ex imploded everything. Thank you, Tracy
Love the analogy! Cheating is a dead carcass, but once we drag that sucker out of our lives, we box it up and let the cheaters have it for their “love nests”! Their “fantasy” actually believes it’s a table and they get to live with the oozing, gross remains for the rest of their miserable lives! Good riddance!
Just wanted to celebrate the CL birthday by posting this link to a NY Times article that supports the ‘you only control you’ position in marriage, counters the ‘divorce-proofing and affair-proofing’ bullshit, and reminds us that part of marriage success is sheer luck in who we marry!
I love the CL is getting these messages out to people who need it most! Perhaps the culture is starting a little shift, that can grow ….
Happy birthday! I found this blog when it was about six months old. I had been googling sites on verbal abuse and domestic violence. They all left me feeling depressed and not very hopeful, like many of you say about the save your marriage sites. Finally someone who not only said you can escape a bad marriage, but also talked about how to keep and regain your life once you had. You gave me the strength of anger, and righteous indignation to be able to begin the terrifying task of leaving a scary monster.
Now, the paperwork is nearly done on my divorce and he has been out of my house for two weeks. I could never have done it without the help of Chump Lady and all of Chump Nation. You saved my life Tracy, and I will be eternally grateful.
Happy happy Birthday! Thanks, your blog is awesome and so are you.
CL has been a huge part of my ongoing healing. I’m so grateful that this blog is here. It’s been a comfort and an inspiration to me.
Thank you Tracy and CN.
I have never commented before but have been reading your posts since I discovered it a few weeks after my D-Day (November 2014). I want to echo what countless others have said – your blog has been a life saver. My D-Day happened when my daughter was 17 months old – I have few friends and am living 9,000 miles away from family. I don’t know what I would have done without you and your readers …so a HUGE thank you 🙂 Now I need to get up the courage to actually participate in the forum and/or comment threads…
NewLife, no courage necessary to join us in the forum sections. Come on over! xox
Seconding Moving Liquid, you are welcome to speak up NewLife. Jedi Hugs to you and glad you found your voice here!
Happy Birthday,Chump Lady! And thank you for your wonderful blog. I think most infidelity advice on the internet is such garbage and it’s really disturbing that most of the things suggested on them ( don’t expose the Cheaters, don’t tell the other spouse, figure out how you caused them to cheat, etc) are actually contributing to the moral decay that we see today by letting the Cheaters suffer no consequences. What we allow as a society allow to flourish in the dark does exactly that, flourish. Let the sun shine on cheaters like the bitches they are by exposing them. You might “save a little trouble for the next girl”. Thanks, Carrie Underwood, for that one.
If they shrivel in direct sunlight then they are likely vampires, just saying…
Congratulations Tracy. Although my divorce was 18 years ago, I find your blog to be so very enlightening for me. Until I started reading CL about a year ago, I accepted at least 50% blame for his affair, his lying, gas-lighting, blame-shifting and all the rest of the crap that goes with it. I can see now that he is a narcissistic asshole. Thank you for the new perspective..
Exactly right, Valerie. My shit hit the fan in 1996, when there was no Chump Lady around to tell it like it was, I had a fabulous therapist who spoke of gaslighting and such and told me I was not to blame, but I don’t think I really believed that until I happened upon this site. I’ve been laughing ever since, and it’s pure joy to see other chumps being gently helped along their journey of truth and freedom. “No, you are not alone. Down is not up. Trust that cheaters suck.” Chump Nation rocks! Thank you, Tracy, and congratulations to you for bringing your special brand of snark and support to to chumps everywhere. You are mighty.
I found this site way after my divorce, when I was still shooting for meh, but failing. After years of research on the subject of adultery, in an attempt at self healing, I found your site. It was the kick in the pants I needed to get to “the other side.”
The sticking point with me was that I secretly (even to myself) blamed myself for the constant cheating, deceit, and devaluing, and I bought into the mask, even though it had more than slipped, it had dematerialized before my eyes during the divorce.
When I came to Chump Lady, I found your perspective so new and refreshing! You totally freed me from buying into the “blaming the victim” mentality. Because of you, I am finally into my new life. It is clear to me what happened now, and it all makes sense. So I was able to finally let go, and even pity the OW a little.
I still come back to the site everyday, because your snark and irreverence makes me laugh and see the funny side of what I could only see as a tragedy before. But I also see all the pain of other chumps and am so grateful to you that you continue to help them get free of the culturally imposed guilt that is force fed on us chumps. Thank you, and long live Chump Nation!
I’m so thankful. I was so alone. I truly wanted to die. CL, you are a real life saver.
I am so glad you found CL Twitching. Jedi Hugs!
Happy birthday! I’m so grateful for the common-sense message of this blog and the community that has emerged around it. Reading here helped give me the strength to get away from the creep and the compassion to forgive myself for letting him get away with it for so long. Onward to meh!
Happy Birthday ChumpLady
Thank you challenging the cheater narrative and all those flaky “so called” relationship experts, and the bull crap reconciliation industry that has “shit sandwiches” on the menu.
Thank you for translating word salad bull crap “paradigm” from those who romanticize cheaters and minimize the damage they cause.
CL, you are the voice of reason, common sense, and regaining life without a cheater. Your intelligence, wit, and good heart is much appreciated.
Happy Birthday! Tracy you reach far more than 300 000 a month. It took me months to be brave enough to post anything. I know there are thousand out there in web land that dont post but still reap the benefits of this site and its wisdoms. So keep blogging… You are also reaching thousands who have no voice… Yet.
And thanks to the many that do blog here…Many ( Tempest, Glad, LAJ, Cheaterssuck, Muse…. And even Arnold! All others i failed to mention..xoxox) have given me hope, direction and the support that I thought would never come my way. Thanks for putting up with my typos… My potty mouth and my twisted humor.
And thank you for UBT
Hugs to all
Congratulations Tracy! And thank you for your vision and hard work you put into this blog. I found you soon after my divorce came through but 2 years after participating in the lose – lose RIC industry and the wilderness of false reconciliation. Here’s to your efforts at educating others and changing the narrative – let’s not normalize or minimize betrayal, cheating, lying and deceit – let’s call it what it is, recognise it’s destruction on partners and children and call for accountability. A revolution is needed in the way society thinks about infidelity and you are a standard-bearer.
Happy Birthday to Tracy and Chump Lady. I stumbled across CL at my lowest and I know I wouldn’t be here today without the wisdom of Chump Lady and Chump Nation.This is a wonderful and supportive community with a mercurial leader. I wish CL and CN many, many more happy birthdays and with what I have read since being here, CL will never go out of business. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Tracy. xo
Happy birthday CL, and congratulations Tracy! This blog is truly a lifesaver and a breath of fresh air amongst all the bullshit spouted by the RIC and society in general. Although I’m pretty close to meh these days, I still gain so much reading here — just knowing that so many others have experienced the same thing and understand exactly what I am talking about is helpful.
My thanks to all the regular posters — there is so much wisdom and compassion to be found here. And to the newbies… welcome. Sorry you had to be here, but glad you found us.
Let’s face it, CL is wise beyond her years! You ROCK Tracy!
As a 3rd party who has never experienced what it is like to be cheated on I certaintly have benefitted from visiting this site. My heart reaches out to all you who have been burned. Reading and understanding your perspectives has opened my eyes more to this issue (which has always given me nightmares) and has increased my appreciation for my spouse.
Love to you all,
Curious–Ahddib, what brought you here? (We appreciate your comments & support, btw).
Ah three years… three years ago, I was beginning the living apart faux reconciliation. I was waiting for fog to lift and dreams to piece themselves together again. I didn’t know that the real Fairy Godmother was Chump Lady. I hadn’t found her yet. Last year I did. And she told me everything I had not wanted to accept about marriages built out of shit sandwiches. But I listened, especially to the bit about living in a new cheater free life that would make me happy and free. So I divorced the cheater and left him in his fog. Thank you Chump Lady and Chump Nation.
My d day was May, 2011. I spent about one year trying to save my marriage. When I began reading here in the middle of 2012, it was like seeing the GIANT elephant in the room that I tip toed around for so long. My sisters and friends told me many of these things, but what did they know? All of them have faithful husbands, not perfect, but faithful.
If anyone reading today thinks they cannot and do not want to live or survive with him or her, YOU WILL SURVIVE! Do not let a backstabbing s.o.b. moron steal your life, joy, or future! Please know that you will go through many many ups and downs on this journey. I went to my Dr. immediately and asked for medication as I could sense that I was in for a long road of struggle. My kids needed me. He was gone and with his “new family”. I always thought he would come back, see how great the kids and I are, miss our life together…He didn’t.
As of today, we are doing very well, no thanks to him. I am in a new job I love, in Graduate school, renovating my house, healthy and cancer free (yes, HE MADE ME SICK)! The stress of his nonsense sent my hormones into overdrive and was diagnosed with hormone induced breast cancer in 2013. It honestly took that diagnosis for me to WAKE UP to the fact that he is an evil, passive aggressive, cruel, little coward. He did not care one iota! Even tried to stop my medical insurance!
If you are reading this and thinking, “my husband/wife would NEVER do that,” think again. I too thought that! They will. Please believe this. They will do what they have to to appear right and justify their behavior. I never ever ever thought the man I loved and spent 31 years with would do and say such horrible things not to mention verbal, emotional and financial abuse.
I used to get up and 3 am to read this, to find some sense out of all the nonsense. I write here today for that person who is in the beginning of the tornado. Lean on this blog, your family, your friends and do not tell your spouse your plans. Do not believe a word they say. Get a good lawyer. I finally did! Took him two years to file the divorce. I just couldn’t…We have been divorced since Dec. 2014. I got an awesome settlement, plus 28% of his salary in permanent maintenance. He fought me. He did not cooperate. I paid a lawyer $35,000 (which he had to give me from his portion of the 401k). I would not give in or give up on all the time and years put into his career at the expense of mine, raising our kids as a SAHM. It is worth every penny to me that I WON this lawsuit. I persevered. I took back my power and did not back down. It was very very hard and there are still some details to be worked out. BUT, I am so very grateful that I did not let him win!
Sorry for the length of this. Thanks again Tracey for all you do. You have given me the words and explanations that I needed when I needed them most. I plan to pay bills later today. I will definitely make a donation to this blog. Happy birthday CL blog and keep up the good work.
Well done, MM. If I could go back four years to pre-DD, I’d tell myself to be more stealth about my plans to get out of such an abusive relationship.I operated from a place of mutual trust and respect; I had no idea the depths of his deceit and hate towards me until I started standing up for basic needs, like child support.
Cheaters suck. Chumps survive. And so it goes…
Happy Blog Birthday, Tracy.
I know for some, you are not their ‘cup of tea’, but you have seen me through many a dark day over the last couple of years, Tracy. Many a dark day. I’m a tell it like it is kind of gal, myself. I don’t want to hear fluff. I don’t wan to hear someone skirting the issues, making excuses for him, telling me I should forgive him, telling me I should try and save my marriage, or blame shifting for his decision to dip his wick, elsewhere. When you are dealing with pathological lying, betrayal, deceit, psychological and emotional torture and abuse on an almost daily basis, from someone you love ………. the only way to deal with infidelity and abuse, is with honesty. Blunt, to the point, in your face, honesty.
Cheers to you and for all you do and have done, for so many. Cheers to many more years of helping Chumpsters move on.
Happy birthday, Tracy, and thank you! Without this place, and your wisdom, and CN, I don’t know where I would have ended up.
I found Chump Lady in 2013, and you helped give me the courage to finally file for divorce from the man-child after 30+ years of marriage. Last year as the court date approached life (and the man-child) started throwing curveballs, until I didn’t want to wake up in the morning because I was so afraid of what would happen next. The divorce was granted in August 2014, thank Goddess, but it took another six months of multiple court dates, intense counselling for my kids, selling the house, and finding a new place to live after 25 years in the same place.
And I did it, with your help, and with the help of all the wonderful people in Chump Nation who post here – Tessie, and Dat, and Moving Liquid, and KarenE, Divorce Minister, named for Vera, Mephista, Maree…..- I am finally feeling safe again, in my beautiful new space, my kids are getting through the crap their so-called parent keeps dumping in their paths, work is on an even keel again, and I wake up now with hope everyday that today will be a good day. Not quite at Meh yet, but at least that light at the end of the tunnel definitely is not a speeding train.
I don’t know if I’ll ever really trust anyone again, but at least I know that I can can always come here and find people who understand, wise people with conscience, and morals, and good-will. It give me hope; I still read every day, and when ever I can pass on the URL and the book to people I think it may help (two people in the place I work in the last month. Chumps are Legion!) I do.
Thank you for all you do, and I hope you are treating yourself to some (real) cake today too!
If my mind ever gets stumped by my wacky situation, I read ChumpLady. It really helps. Happy Birthday!
Thank you thank you thank you and congratulations on this milestone! I tell everyone who will listen about your blog (chumps, therapists, strangers). It is a lifesaver at whatever stage of this Chump Life one is living. No matter if we are still in it, or wanting to get out, or having to say no to reconciliation, or having to survive the explosion he/she has left behind, we can find comfort in your words, Chump Lady and in all of the most amazing people in Chump Nation. And we can find laughter, lots of laughter. What fortunate folks we are to have you!!
Happy Birthday! If it wasn’t after reading Tracy’s Book, and then logging onto this blog, I believe I wouldn’t have had the courage to leave my pathological cheating/lying/exposing-himself-in-public husband, and get the divorce I needed as quickly as I did (first D-day: four months into my marriage, divorce finalized 12 months later). I’ve climbed a steep mountain, and now I’m starting to descend into the lovely, healing valley of “Meh” – eagerly waiting for Tuesday. Bless all of you Chump Nation! ((Hugs))
Congratulations Chump Lady! I am so happy that I found your blog The nice thing about it was, I hadn’t even “Googled” anything like “cheat”. I “Googled”, “Narcissist”, and your blog was one of the ones that came up on the front page.
My X definitely had an EA 10 years ago or so, and it may have (and could well have) gone physical – but I never had proof. However, SooOOOooo many of the traits that my X had coincide so well with those of the other X’s or STBX’s here.
I wish you had been around 10 years ago, but, sure am glad you are now!!!!
Chump Lady, I’m not sure it’s possible to thank you for what you’ve done and what you’re doing for Chump Nation, but I agree with everyone else . Your daily presence and the other chumps here have literally changed my life for the better every day and givene the strength and resolve I have needed to keep moving forward my own life . You know the WWJD bracelets ? I get through the day or the situation by asking myself “What would Chump Lady do ? ” WWCLD? My mantra . Mostly I want to thank you for the full laugh out loud , belly laughs that I get when reading your blog and the responses, coming at a time when I didn’t know if I’d ever laugh again , I could always count on you . I felt so human and so real, just knowing I could laugh. And wallpaper removal is my language of love , too . You rock , Chump Lady . And so do I 🙂
Damn straight! FindingMyself! Lol in re to “WWCLD?” !!!! 🙂
Happy, happy birthday! In August that year I thought I was single handedly saving my marriage, children, pride, even my husband, listening to our MC talking about fog, not pressuring, no decisions and pick-me dancing my heart out. I didn’t even know that’s what I was doing, until I found your blog. Suddenly it all made sense.
I tried to explain my decision to divorce when he failed the second deadline (‘no, no deadline, you’ll pressure him!’ – I lost almost six months to false reconciliation) to this therapist, giving links to Chumplady – she turned this around to: but that was what I was telling you all along, when I asked you ‘what do you want’? Oh, sorry I missed that… I wanted to chase that unicorn, since you made me believe you had delivered those many times before!
Glad to have found you, I still read every day. Responding is difficult, since most of the talk already has died down by the time I get to read it. But so many topics still hit me, the recognition, how cheating ex behaved and behaves, but also the friends on the fence, in-laws that disappeared, continued effect on our children. I’m well on my way to meh… But probably not a fast mover. Quite happy now, most of the time. Not ready to date, maybe never again, but at peace with that. There’s no rush, is there? My peace of mind and precious, happy children are so much more important.
And that is largely thanks to you, CL & CN!
Happy Birthday Chump Lady! I found your blog by clicking a link on HuffPo a few months after DDay. Add me to the list of many that you have helped in more ways than you know. As I read your blog everyday I was astonished that my EH said and did so many of the things described here. Finally everything made sense. You and your readers have given me the strength to see that I’m not alone in this, although it is disheartening to know there are so many lying cheating assholes out there. My divorce was just final on March 28 and I am looking forward to reaching Meh. This is the first time I’ve been brave enough to post, but I wanted to congratulate you for a job well done.
Congrats on your divorce! Sorry it had to be that way, but you chose the better path.
JennyK, so happy for you!
You rock JennyK! Jedi hugs and congrats on getting free!
I wasn’t so sure I was going to make it and then I found Chump Lady. Thank you for throwing me the lifeline. Thank you for making sense of the nightmare. Thank you for creating Chump Nation. Thank you for helping me find my self again. On behalf of past, present, and (sadly) future chumps everywhere THANK YOU!! Happy Birthday! 🙂
Chump Lady saved my sanity. I was in a mental maze I didn’t understand. This site gave me clarity. I share the link with many. Cheating or not the BS decoder is great.
I salute your courage. I’ve thought some times that it must be hard to get on here every day and find yet another person whose life has imploded or exploded, trying to figure out what to do with the pieces. And yet you sail on. And eventually, so do the rest of us.
From one who was stuck, and is getting unstuck, happy birthday and many more.
Happy Birthday! Tracy your wisdom, humor and writing have awakend the truth. I think back when one if my daughter’s friends mom cheated on her husband and left him for her boss. She took their child and moved away. He killed himself six months later. He drank some household cleaner and suffered a painful death. He was a wonderful loving man. This site provides chumps with support from others who understand the indescribable pain and the process leading to Meh. Thank-you Tracy for providing chumps with the strength to sort out this truth with your wonderful words of hope. The chump nation is a force for change. Chump Nation is amazing!!
To any unremorseful fuckwit cheaters who decide to read the above post, this is what happens to those you care about? Oh? But you don’t care, right?
Donna – that man is in a better place. Horrible the way he decided to end it all – he obviously thought there was no way out. Especially when all the RIC sites tend to heap more shit on men, despite the fact that cheating is a universal concept. Thats why CL is a literal life saver.
Happy Birthday Chumplady! Tracy, Your site and your book have been the beacons of light to lead me out of the fog of insanity that descended on my life when he abandoned me 14 months ago. I still have a long way to go but, thanks to you, I know that I am not alone. Looking forward to the new book.
Happy Blog Birthday Tracy 🙂 I am a Newbie to Chump Nation but I love coming here. It is so validating and I can feel my backbone growing, YEEHA!! I only wish I would have found this gem of a Nation earlier, maybe I would be a little further in my quest for freedom from this BS (going on for such a long time). Cheers to everyone here sharing their stories and successes and cheers to you Chump Lady for providing this fantastic empowering place. I am looking forward to many more visits here.
Magical Momma, This! Do not back down, that’s what they think we good little chumps will do! And to anyone else reading her comment please believe her! It’s hard to believe that someone you were married to for many years would stoop to such lowlife tactics, but they will! I to got a diagnosis of cancer in the midst of the shit storm(luckily am a survivor), my ex also made sure my insurance was cancelled, (got that back too and he has to pay for it). These zombies believe they can screw you six ways to Sunday! Be ever vigilant and don’t pity them or feel sorry for them! If you try to extend an olive branch they will reach out only to cut off your arm then say you are over reacting, it’s only a flesh wound! It’s survival of the fittest! Don’t ever let your guard down cause they are like sharks and you will only be chumming the water for them! Great post Magical Momma! Congrats on your new, happy, cheater free life! Enjoy!
Congratulations, and thanks for making sense out of all the craziness. You’ve been a lifeline for me.
Congrats, Tracy! I was an early adopter and so glad I was. I’ve laughed a lot on this blog, learned more, and found a place that says I’m not crazy, I was just married to it.
Now thats a great t-shirt phrase, Nord! “I’m not crazy, I was just married to it” Bwahahahaha.
Happy, Birthday, Tracy and CN! Your wit and wisdom have been much appreciated, and I salute you for being the Ferdinand Magellan of infidelity–exploring uncharted territory to enlighten the psychological world and expand our horizons.
Happy Birthday Chump Lady.. you are saving my life. one post at a time.
Chump Lady, Happy Birthday and even greater success and happiness with your coming, next book. Thank you for providing the space to vent, laugh, heal, and learn. Priceless!
Tracy, happy blog birthday and thank you for having the vision to know that it takes one chump at a time to change the infidelity narrative. I found your blog in April 2013 and I had already filed for divorce then but it strengthened my resolve never to ever take back the cheater. When December 2013 rolled around, sure enough, the cheater wanted another chance and I promptly said no. I knew my situation was no longer unique. I understood the motives of a cheater. And all because of chump nation. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being instrumental in helping me to stay out of the burning house.
Congrats, CL, on 3 years and counting.
This blog, as well as IHG, helped me immensely in deciphering society’s inane (and flat-out inconsistent and incorrect) views on cheating. Thanks for your forthrightness for all us chumps who needed a kick in the pants to stop blaming ourselves and start remembering our own worth.
What is ugh?
I h g 🙂
Infidelity Help Group – awesome website. They post here sometimes.
under Wayfarer, correct?
CL, Happy 3rd! I was beginning to think I was the only one with different thought on the whole infidelity and abuse thing. I found your book (thank goodness for Amazon). I found your site. I found a home with so many others and I no longer feel alone. Thank you!
Happy Birthday ChumpLady.com!!!
I’m very grateful for CL and CN. Before you, I’d never heard of NPD, gaslighting, etc. You helped me understand my situation. You provide logical reasoning on why true reconciliation is so rare. Because of you, I kept the pick-me dance to the bare minimum, saw the situation for what it actually was (using my head instead of my heart), and kicked his sorry ass out of my life. It was really hard at first, but I’m getting closer to Meh every day.
Thank you Tracy and Chump Nation!
Happy Happy Birthday CL! You not only created an amazing wealth of information and slap in your face wakeup advice from the trauma of infidelity, but you have done it with a rich vocabulary and awesome humor. I found your site a few months after I kicked out the cheater and it helped me survive all of his comebacks and confusing sorry messages. I also realized how good NC is after reading people´s comments here, but I was stubborn at first because the instinct is to somehow do the pick me dance because no one wants to throw away years and sometimes decades invested in a person, a family, a home, an income, etc. I am now at meh and soooo happy. I have a new built in narc detector from reading CL. It is amazing how many times married guys have approached me recently and when I can see where they are going I give them a story about how I am glad that they are not unfaithful because it is such a lame, stupid and hurtful thing to do in this day and age, when they could just divorce if they are unhappy. They try to agree with me and disappear very quickly after that line.
I also want to congratulate Chump Nation because, though I am not a native English Speaker, I can tell that the people in this community are highly educated, funny, compassionate, and so witty, that the comments surpass in quality any other blogs that I visit. Maybe this is a chump profile? In any case, I think that CLs readership is becoming global because infidelity is a global problem…Too bad that her humor is untranslatable…
I hope you celebrate to the max Tracy! You so deserve it! You are saving people´s lives, literally!
Tracy, thank you, thank you, thank you and Happy Birthday! I have passed along this site to people whose situation is still fresh and raw and also to others who have found support and validation here even when their D-day was over 30 years ago! Thank you Tracy for having (and continuing to have) the balls to start this site and take on the trolls and out of the fog people who are just pissed because you have blown their cover.
Because of this site I am on the way to meh too…… as expected, my now XH recently married the OW and it didn’t bother me. And it is so much easier to stay focused on what I need to. Not there yet but I now see that its possible. I am proud to be part of Chump Nation.
Happy, Happy Blog Birthday Tracy! There are absolutely no words for what you and, by extension, CN have done for me. I honestly don’t know if I would be here alive and sane if I had not found this blog. I could not find another place for someone for whom reconciliation was not a possibility with information on how to grow a pair and stand up to an abusive cheater. I have done some back-sliding and at times gotten way too close to the heat from the burning house, but your wisdom and the constant encouragement found here has kept me from ever attempting to run back into that burning house.
Thank you so, so much for everything you do! I send you love and hugs today!
Happy Birthday and from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU FOR THIS BLOG & FORUM! Without these, I honestly don’t think I would have ever broken free of my narcisstic STBXH. It is a miracle!
After spending years and years trying to work out what our problems were and how I could solve them, expending huge amounts of time and energy (alone) you managed in a few paragraphs to make it all clear to me. You write so eloquently and explain things so succinctly – I was trying to Untangle the Skein of Fuckedupness. So I stopped. That’s it. I stopped and I now have my life back.
So thank you.
Happy Birthday Chump Lady.
Thank you and happy birthday Chump Lady!! I don’t know what I would do without your wisdom and Chump Nation!
Happy Birthday and not to get off the subject…. but I was watching a movie on SPIKE tv last night and the advertisement for Ashley Madison came on…. Sick! I will be contacting SPIKE tv tomorrow and let them know what I think about that! Sick!
Happy birthday to chumplady.com! This blog was so helpful in getting me to let go of the dysfunctional XH, and to finally get the courage to date again. The karma bus has once again backed over my sleeping-bag-bunny-hopping XH, who had his professional license taken from him by the state Supreme Court, his practice is dead, he’s been arrested for a drunk & disorderly charge, and he emailed me to tell me that dingbat paralegal OW left him for someone else- oh, and that he wants me to stop blocking him on Facebook.
Meanwhile- my fiancé and I are planning our wedding later this year, I made partner at my firm(!!), and life is soooo much easier not having to make sense of the chaos that my narcissistic XH brought into my everyday existence.
I couldn’t have reached this place without you, Tracy, or without Chump Nation. I am forever grateful to you all.
We are forever grateful for the sleeping bag bunny hopping ex story. It lives in infamy.
BarristerBelle, it’s so good to hear from you. That karma bus needs new tires! 🙂
BarristerBelle, congrats on your engagement and on making partner! I am so happy that you are doing well.
BarristerBelle, I am so happy for you, great accomplishments! and of course I will never forget the laugh out loud story of your unfortunate ex. Jedi Hugs!
Yes BarristerBelle, thanks so much for sharing your sleeping bag bunny hop story with all of us!
You guys, THANKS for all the blog birthday wishes and heartfelt messages. I choke up every time I read them. I’m so glad this place exists, because it’s what I wished I’d had when I went through it — constant validation that leaving was the right thing to do. (Of COURSE I see that in retrospect, but when I was hip deep in the crazy, I needed the guidance too.) I’m just one voice here — a snarky voice for sure, but I’d be talking to myself, to the web, all alone if it weren’t for Chump Nation. Every day you share your stories and bolster newbies and THAT is what makes this place special. Thank you. I feel so happy when I get a “gained a life” letter from an old timer. It really makes it all worthwhile.
Now then… I think I need a celebratory cupcake, and to contemplate this flag idea….
Yes thank you. This site has helped me tremendously throughout this whole ordeal of craziness. When I begin to ‘soften’ or doubt my own self-worth, this site helps me to understand it isn’t and NEVER WAS me!
I sincerely thank you.
We need bumper stickers too!
Yes! Love this idea!
After reading this last night, I had a dream that I worked at a coffee shop (run by Alice Cooper, because that’s how dreams are) that specialized in snark. One day, they decided to be less snarky & their business dried right up.
I love your snark. It’s such a refreshing antidote to the “why can’t we all get along” mamby-pamby” attitude of the RIC. Thanks, and snark on!
Ooops hit done by accident…what I meant to say was…happy happy blog birthday CL!!! Your book (found it on amazon thank the good universe) and blog have saved my sanity and provided a well lit path to follow which definitely leads to my well-earned divorce (soon I’m hoping). Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Happy Birthday, Chump Lady!…this website is a true life saver… I’m glad it’s here..
Happy birthday ChumpLady.com! This blog and the stories shared by other chumps has helped me piece together and make sense of my experience better than any other other resource. Thanks to CL and everyone who’s shared their experience. You give me strength every day.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Only time will tell whether this will work, but thanks ti you, I know exactly what to look for,
Tracey, you are the one who made sense out of “I love you but I’m not in love with you” when I e-mailed that question and you answered it. What you said made so much more sense than what my counselor said! I’ll never forget how Chumplady.com helped me claw myself out of the pit of self-blame my ex was all too happy to shove me into. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for helping make sense of a senseless situation. 🙂
Happy Blog Birthday Tracy! When I found your blog you were the lone voice against the money grubbing Reconciliation Industrial Complex, you validated my feelings in ways no one else did or would. You and all of CN showed me I was not alone, that was (and still is) so valuable. I am so glad you started this blog and wrote your book. I look forward to the next book! and of course; Jedi Hugs!
Happy blog birthday, Tracy, and thanks to you and everyone here for your generosity, compassion and wisdom.
Happy Blog Birthday! I’m not longer a Grade A Chump thanks to you. No more shit sandwiches for me. Yay!!
Happy Blog Birthday, CL !! I found this blog about six months after D-day and I feel like it saved me. I finally found some information on infidelity that made sense – that described what I was experiencing. The other crap out there was confusing and unrealistic. I have a great supportive family, awesome friends, an excellent therapist but nothing . . . NOTHING has helped me as much as this site. Thanks, Tracy and thanks Chump Nation for your wisdom, insights, humor and willingness to share your stories. We are MIGHTY!!
Happy Birthday Chump Lady! I wish that you had been around after my dday but better late than never. I found you on a link off Huffington Post. I had been chumped a few years earlier but nothing in my life hurt that much and I was still grieving terribly. Wondering what I did ‘wrong’ and what I could have possibly done to ‘save’ our marriage. Yeah, right. We all know the answer to that one now that we’ve gotten the real answers here. I’m so grateful for Chump Lady and her blog and all the wonderful, funny, brilliant people who write about their experience, strength and hope here. All you guys are just the best and I come here every day and read, Yes I have a Chump Lady Addiction!!
Well if you turn your head to the side… gah. Cupcakes!
….taste better than bitch cookies!
Happy Birthday!! And many more!! grateful for this blog, the book, and all the people on the forum! Chump Nation represent!
Happy Birthday to the amazing Chump Lady and Chump Nation!! WhoooHooooo!!!
I found your blog when I was drowning, because I accepted the blame for my marriage “failing”, and I thought I should try to save it (LOL). You were the voice of reason that I had never even heard of, and I changed my thinking pretty quickly, it all made so much sense! It’s still so vivid to me, the memory of reading about loving the ‘Barbed-Wire Monkey’ – I just sat there stunned and thought “That’s me!”
We all learn so much here. Thank you all.
I hope the world will change their thinking about affairs, but let’s not hold our breath!
Ginger enjoys some frosting.
I & millions of others are grateful for your amazingly spot on words of advice! I am in awe that 3 years later you continue to devote your precious hours to helping other chumps to regain their sanity, realize that they didn’t deserve to be chumped & should take this opportunity to break free of the madness of the relationship we were committed to be in. I am so thankful for the discovery of your fabulous blog, with weeks of my d-day last August! On days when I am feeling low, & on the weekends, I search your site for an article I haven’t seen yet. So many words to wisdom here from the great Chump Lady, as well as other experienced victors in Chump Nation! Both he & divorce negotiations are starting to get ugly, but the cowardly douche bag STBX still lives here, for another month or so. Ugh…I will be looking to you all to get me through!
Happy Birthday Chump Lady. I read every day, but I don’t comment much. My divorce should be final soon. You have helped me tremendously! I have recommended you to many of my chump friends. There is an epidemic right now, it seems. I too have wondered, what is our world coming to? You are surely trying to change it! Thank you!
Happy birthday CL, I found CN about 3 months after DD Googling some crazy ideas that kept rattling around in my head from all of her gaslighting and blameshifting. In my gut I knew what was right but it was hard to accept even with a great therapist who saw right through her BS and called her out on it, which she of course denied. After reading the blog I realized that all of the second guessing is very common for chumps like us and it is very easy to fall back into the vortex and ignore personal boundaries. The support that the readers and CL provided along with my therapist were instrumental to me enforcing boundaries and seeing clearly what my gut was already telling me. It was incredible to hear how common a cheaters dialog is from reading all of the stupid shit cheaters say and translations from the UBT. Anyways thanks CL and CN for the support.
I have said this before and I will say it again, thank you, Tracy. Thank you for sharing your pain and giving all of us the courage to share ours. Thank you for letting me endlessly vent and give my 2 cents. Thank you for allowing me to swear and call names to let off steam while I was boiling over. Thank you to all the chumps who have had the courage to share their stories these last three years giving me camaraderie I never thought possible in such a dark time of my life, your life.
Your site and CN saved my sanity in a world I thought had gone mad.
Being faithful, honest and loving IS a good thing. I never thought I would be proud to be called a chump.
Happy Chump Lady and Chump Nation Birthday… it is time to change the dialog, control the narrative. Time to get rid of, what is, for the most part a mysoginistic narrative as to who is at fault when someone cheats. A narrative, we chumps have swollowed hook line and sinker for way to many years. Thank you Tracy for doing this… I spent 32 years with that barbwire monkey, doing the pick me dance and eating shit sandwiches, but not any more. And if any of my kids ever find themselves with a cheater… ha! It won’t be, ‘well perhaps if you had changed your last name when you married, he wouldn’t have cheated’ as my mother said. It will be, Good bye to bad rubbish… I have your back all the way. Thank you Tracy! Thank you!
Thanks so much for all you do, dear Tracy! I feel so lucky that you came along when you did. It was just a couple of months after I left my ex, and I think I found you right after you opened the blog. It truly helped me to heal more quickly. Muah!
And on another happy note (if I may take this opportunity for a shameless self-serving thing) – I’m celebrating being 25 years cancer-free today. 😉
Happy Day! Love to all!
Congratulations for kicking cancer’s ass!!! 25 years is AMAZING!!
Rock on Modayear! 🙂
Modayear! Congrats on beating cancer! That is among the mightiest of accomplishments. Rock on with your good health!
I’ll add my voice to the chorus of praise. Like so many others, I’m firmly convinced I wouldn’t be where I am now (if I were even here at all) if it weren’t for the frank wisdom and support found on your blog site. — I also want to say that sometimes the nature of the blog drifts away from the main issues, into some peripheral “fringe” stuff like polyamory & open marriages, and it never ceases to impress me how you (CL) are not close-minded and prudish, you just — bottom-line — want people to be open and fair and respectful to each other. It’s really just the Golden Rule, but it still impresses me and I just wanted to say thanks, and Happy Blog-iversary!!
Your blog is amazing! It’s strange as ever that I feel from some “regular” chump posters that if I ever crossed their path in real life, we would possibly forge friendships. The camaraderie is heart felt. Chump Lady, thank you for persevering to get this mighty web site cranked up!!! Looking forward to Simply Tuesday! You tell it like it is and many a day, I ponder, how do you give spot on advice day in, day out! Thank you CL.
I’m a little late-busy day today!!
But I have to chime in with my happy birthday wishes! I found CL the day the X broke into my house And assaulted me. He was arrested and spent a few nights in jail. This site saved my sanity. So many wonderful people here!!! Tempest, LAJ, Portia, Muse, Moving Liquid, DatDamWuf, Clip, Cheatersuck, DM……..all of you!!!!
to say that I am forever grateful doesn’t begin to cover what ChumpNation has done for me and my kids. Thank you Tracy from the bottom of my heart. This site is a lifesaver for chumps! 🙂 xo
I have an Aussie too! A beautiful red merle. She is my third Aussie. Ginger is beautiful!!
Thank you all…so much!
Thank you …. all of you …. for this site and your comments!!!! It has helped me so much!!! I appreciate your comments and humor!!!!
Happy birthday, CL!!! I can’t remember how I came to learn about your blog, but it has become a trusted and amusing friend. Thank you for your frankness … you shoot from the hip and I LOVE IT!
Happy Birthday Tracy! I agree with everyone on CN that this has been the only source besides DM site that have helped me. My D-Day was only in January of this year and so much has happened since. I am officially moving out in June and trying to put back together MY life.
I never thought my husband would put me and my kids through this shit. My first instinct was to believe somehow that I caused this and that I wanted to save my family from falling apart. How quickly I saw no remorse from my husband or to change his wicked ways. Yes…the Ho worker is still “just a friend” because he is lonely since I won’t give him ego kibbles anymore. Whatever…rat bastard blew up his family and I guess his needs are much more important.
I am going to live my best life and can’t wait to get off this train wreck! Thank you so much for being a light in this dark journey. No one knows what chumps go through and really “get it”. No one but all of you. I am ever so grateful that I found you!!
Happy Birthday!!!! Saving our sanity one blog at a time. Chump Lady and Chump Nation rock!
Happy Birthday, CL! I have learned so much from this blog, not only to avoid marrying the wrong person in the future but how to see character disorders in people earlier than later. It has helped me not chose certain people as friends or get manipulated by others, etc. What a lifesaver it has been! I pass your website on to so many people. Most just keep talking about the same issue and I keep telling them to come here. A few have checked it out and like me, they read and learn wisdom to help them in the future! So nice to not get blamed for stuff that other people are doing and who will not work on their issues but want to blameshift them onto others. Freedom and wisdom are sweet! Here’s to many more blog birthdays!
Happy birthday, and thank you! Your blog has clued me in to cheater behavior, provided guidance and support during the single worst 3 years of my life. All the humorous stories about preposterous cheater behavior have really helped me to see just how nutty and out of whack most cheaters are. The humor has eased the stress and depression.
CL, Happy BDay! And everyday day! You give your no nonsense approach with humor and hope for the future to Chumps everywhere. Your insight is spot on! Keep up the great work! Your book is like the Bible, required reading for unscrambling the Fuckedupidness of Infidelity. I was Mindfucked in Miami, but no more, Thanks to You!
Chump Lady, I’ll love you ’til the day I die.
The reason I joined this site was actually not because of infidelity, but instead because of emotional abuse. I remember Googling “how to spot an abusive partner” and one of the CL links popped up. Realised that so much stuff now made sense, and that my ex was never going to change. Gave me the strength to leave. That being said – I have experienced being a chump prior to this – I kicked those people to the kerb the moment it happened – pretty much in the exact manner that CL suggests.
This site is centred around leaving a cheater – but its far, far beyond that. Almost all of the lessons and wisdom from CN can be applied to daily life – learning to spot and defeat manipulators and abusers and cheaters whch are not of the infidelity type. Sure as hell have a great ‘bullshit detector’ because of this site and everyone on it!
The Universal Bullshit Translator has me in stitches every time. And I know I’m essentially at ‘meh’ because each time I read the title of a post which is asking a question, mentally answer it and realise that my answer is almost the same as CL’s.
This site transcends all of the human race. The population of Chump Nation – men and women, children of chumps, children of cheaters. Some of you guys are old enough to be my grandmother/father – yet we are brought together in solidarity over the very same issues and can relate far more closer than any superficial friendship.
Thank you, CL, and CN – for saving countless lives. You are a life-saver. (And not the lolly kind, either – though those are pretty yummy!)
Thank you CL for your witty writings and lifesaving blog. Not only do you have a great sense of humour but are a talented artist (amongst other things) too! I found this blog by accident via a link when I was on another unicorn (he’s having a midlife crisis) site, if it wasn’t for your no nonsense approach I would be still spackling and doing the pick me dance. Instead I am toddling along towards meh and my sense of who I was before I married the cheating fuckwit has slowly started to return, plus I have regained my sense of humour – I enjoy reading the posts here, a bit of an introvert but love all the banter that CN generates 🙂 I am now gonna have some cake 🙂
sorry that should have read “but you are also a talented”…….uurggh :-@
Happy Blog Birthday, CL ! You managed to turn dreadful events in our lives into an opportunity to feel part of a group of wonderful people, and we come back for the laughs. This is the definite proof that you are talented !
My favorite article on here is the Unified Theory of Cake. I just reread it and noticed the date on it was exactly three years ago today. Whyyyy couldn’t I have found it then? The first paragraph was the information I needed, but couldn’t find and couldn’t figure out on my own either. I bet the Cheaters hate it. All their special secrets exposed for the world to see. I really do think it’s the Cheaters favorite time/thing of the whole adultery experience. Especially after exposure.
I apparently wasn’t jealous enough or focused on him enough to figure out he was a Cheater, so he told me so I could get to working on that deficiency. He was “in love with someone else” and wanted a divorce but damn, once I threw him a couple of dog biscuits and made it known I could dance with the best, they morphed into “just friends” and I was a crazy bitch for not accepting that. I just couldn’t figure out why we could have the best time ever, and before he got to the end of the street when he left the house, he would be babbling with his speed dial Whore. He’d made a choice alright, both of us. Cake gooood, lol.
Wishing ChumpLady and ChumpNation a happy third anniversary!
I realised that ChumpLady was started on the *very day* that I ended my five-year relationship with my narc g/f! The very day that I said: “No More!” A bit unbelievable… I’m quite astonished at that!
So now every anniversary of ChumpLady also commemorates the day I decided to stop the pick-me dancing, take away the cake (the fork, and the whole menu), and close down the kibble factory.
Very fitting way to remember this day – the very day that a courageous lady stepped into cyberspace to rescue persons who were ‘at sea’. *Thank you again ChumpLady!*
Happy belated blog birthday!
Let’s see, three years ago today, I didn’t know I was a Chump. Oh, my STBX was having an affair with his staffer, but I was blissfully unaware of the fact. Fast forward a few months and BAM! My world was shot.
However, yesterday I missed Blog Birthday. Why? Because I was out doing stuff that was meaningful to me. Thank you Chump Lady!
If I’d not found CL, I’d have been caught in the Pick-Me polka. I’d have bought into the Reconciliation Industrial Complex’s catering of shit sandwiches, believing that I had to “be there” for my Cheater. Thanks to Chump Lady and the collective wisdom of Chump Nation, I realize that I’d always “been there” for Mr. Cheaterpants. I was the one who gave up pretty much every hobby, every social outlet I had in order to be there for when he needed emotional support, to listen to him vent about work and life, to make sure that the house was neat, to ensure that he had a nice meal.
He was the one who was sneaking off on secret coffee dates at Starbucks, who was sexting his Schmoopie a work (and whenever he took a shower), etc.
Thanks to CL, I lined my ducks up and filed.
I am not yet at “meh,” but days like yesterday when I didn’t even think about STBX and was too busy to read Chump Lady–those days tell me that “meh” is going to happen.
Thank you, Chump Lady, and happy blog birthday!
Happy Birthday Chumplady blog! CL, you are an inspiration to all of us chumps out in the wilderness questioning our sanity, and your intelligence, warmth, and ability to point out the ridiculous humor in all of this is a balm to the wounded soul. I am so grateful for you!
The blog is a lifesaver. Much deserved congrats on three years!
Happy Birthday. I found this site 2 weeks post DDay and thought that I was literally going insane and going to die from the pain inflicted by learning of of the OWhore and who she was. That my life was a sham. That he lied, cheated and stole and didn’t have the decency to even say anything once he was caught. He has been completely NC since and my head was spinning. My family and friends were getting frustrated as they didn’t understand but then I stumbled upon CL and I am now on everyday. Unless you have been in the hurricane, you cannot understand all that is going on.
I am nowhere near meh as I am only 1 month into this, but I thank you for bringing all of us chumps together so that we can support each other where other cannot. Thank you.
Was away from my computer this weekend,but happy belated birthday to the blog. Tracy, I wish CL had been around in 2003 when I was first chumped – would’ve saved me countless dollars, time and heartache.
I love your badass approach and the fact that you don’t take no shit off no one, no how. You are an inspiration in so many ways.
Thank you for this blog and all the wonderful that is Chump Nation.
Happy Birthday CL! Just wanted to add my gratitude for one of the few voices of reason on infidelity. I’ve certainly gained a life. Thank you so much Tracy!