I get so many trolls around here, I thought I should make you guys a field guide. By creating a troll compendium, you’ll have a resource to identify these critters, catch them in a net, and pin them into neat shadowboxes for display.
Others of you may prefer taxidermy.
There is, of course, a lot of cross breeding amongst trolls. Some of the identifying characteristics may belong to more than one genus of troll. New troll species are being discovered every day. Feel free to add to this list.
1. Forgiveness Trolls. You’ll recognize them by their distinctive “Bitter! BIT-ter!” call. Forgiveness trolls feel the need to micromanage your spiritual journey and inform you that you’re Doing It All Wrong. Three months out and feeling twitchy? Plagued by mind movies? Enraged by blatant disrespect? FORGIVE! Lest you become Bitter and No One Will Ever Love You. (In fact, that’s why you were cheated on, because you’re bitter and can’t forgive.)
Forgiveness (or taking seething hatred to your grave) is your personal business, but Forgiveness Trolls don’t think you’re being public enough with your humility. Bow. Scrape. Extend your pinky when you eat those shit sandwiches.
2. Unicorn Trolls have reconciled and you can too! In fact the reason you’re not reconciled too is you. You weren’t trying hard enough. Have you acknowledged what you did to drive your cheater to cheat on you? Were you fat? Did you earn too much money? Did you assume that people ever take those monogamy vows seriously anymore?
It’s too bad you don’t know what the meaning of True Love is. Or delusion. Or codependency.
3. Holy Trolls. Jesus thinks you’re a failure because you’re divorced. If someone cheated on Jesus, he wouldn’t be angry and bitter like you are. He’d smile beatifically and buy them a beer. Maybe mention it in a soft, non-threatening chat. You know, like when you’re pointing out to someone that they have spinach stuck in their teeth.
Jesus hates divorce, but sees cheating as just one of life’s little kerfuffles.
Holy Trolls like to look down on you from the lofty perch of their High Roads. Poor, little divorce heathens. Tut, tut. They’ll pray for you.
4. Pimple-Faced 8th-Grade Trolls can’t believe what you posted about the unicorns. Well, do you know what people say about you? They say you’re CONCEITED and that’s not your real hair! And everyone knows you’re the laughing stock of HuffPo! And you’re not invited to their forum anymore! HAH! So, how do you like THAT? You gonna cry?
5. Dyspeptic Trolls are spiteful, failed advocates of free speech. “I saw your picture and I think you look like a retarded goat. Do something about those cloven hooves and that overbite. What? I’m just pointing out the OBVIOUS similarities between you and a barnyard animal. You can’t take constructive CRITICISM? Oh, that’s just the kind of person you are — a DICTATOR GOAT.” (Pretty good job advancement for the retarded, I might point out.) “You can’t handle DISSENTING OPINIONS here! You just BAN people!”
Dyspeptic trolls always use proxy IP addresses. When you enough care about free speech to stay anonymous.