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Troll Compendium

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forgivenesstrollI get so many trolls around here, I thought I should make you guys a field guide. By creating a troll compendium, you’ll have a resource to identify these critters, catch them in a net, and pin them into neat shadowboxes for display.

Others of you may prefer taxidermy.

There is, of course, a lot of cross breeding amongst trolls. Some of the identifying characteristics may belong to more than one genus of troll. New troll species are being discovered every day. Feel free to add to this list.

1. Forgiveness Trolls. You’ll recognize them by their distinctive “Bitter! BIT-ter!” call. Forgiveness trolls feel the need to micromanage your spiritual journey and inform you that you’re Doing It All Wrong. Three months out and feeling twitchy? Plagued by mind movies? Enraged by blatant disrespect? FORGIVE! Lest you become Bitter and No One Will Ever Love You. (In fact, that’s why you were cheated on, because you’re bitter and can’t forgive.)

Forgiveness (or taking seething hatred to your grave) is your personal business, but Forgiveness Trolls don’t think you’re being public enough with your humility. Bow. Scrape. Extend your pinky when you eat those shit sandwiches.

2. Unicorn Trolls have reconciled and you can too! In fact the reason you’re not reconciled too is you. You weren’t trying hard enough. Have you acknowledged what you did to drive your cheater to cheat on you? Were you fat? Did you earn too much money? Did you assume that people ever take those monogamy vows seriously anymore?

It’s too bad you don’t know what the meaning of True Love is. Or delusion. Or codependency.

3. Holy Trolls. Jesus thinks you’re a failure because you’re divorced. If someone cheated on Jesus, he wouldn’t be angry and bitter like you are. He’d smile beatifically and buy them a beer. Maybe mention it in a soft, non-threatening chat. You know, like when you’re pointing out to someone that they have spinach stuck in their teeth.

Jesus hates divorce, but sees cheating as just one of life’s little kerfuffles.

Holy Trolls like to look down on you from the lofty perch of their High Roads. Poor, little divorce heathens. Tut, tut. They’ll pray for you.

4. Pimple-Faced 8th-Grade Trolls can’t believe what you posted about the unicorns. Well, do you know what people say about you? They say you’re CONCEITED and that’s not your real hair! And everyone knows you’re the laughing stock of HuffPo! And you’re not invited to their forum anymore! HAH! So, how do you like THAT? You gonna cry?

5. Dyspeptic Trolls are spiteful, failed advocates of free speech. “I saw your picture and I think you look like a retarded goat. Do something about those cloven hooves and that overbite. What? I’m just pointing out the OBVIOUS similarities between you and a barnyard animal. You can’t take constructive CRITICISM? Oh, that’s just the kind of person you are — a DICTATOR GOAT.” (Pretty good job advancement for the retarded, I might point out.) “You can’t handle DISSENTING OPINIONS here! You just BAN people!”

Dyspeptic trolls always use proxy IP addresses. When you enough care about free speech to stay anonymous.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I personally LOOOVVVES me some Forgiveness Trolls…tasty broiled in a vinaigrette with a nice Pinot Grigio.

  • Pretty exhaustive, CL, but you might have forgotten Special Reformed Cheater Troll. Yes, what happened to us was horrible, but it was a mistake, SRCT has forgiven him/herself, and ‘it’ will never ever ever happen again. Until the next time we cause another ‘accident’.

    • OMG, except for the not-trolling part, that is my EX! He’s totally reformed, don’tcha know? A changed man! We should stop being so mean to him! I won’t give him another chance, and neither will the kids. Exactly how many chances does each person get in their life???? ‘Cause he already had about 40! But we’re such mean, bitter, angry people ’cause we don’t believe he’s changed – even though his communications are STILL 98% about him! And I’m being so unfair to the kids, making them feel like in order to be loyal to me, they have to turn their backs on him. Of course that back-turning has nothing to do with all the many choices he made! And even if it did, well, he’s CHANGED! And APOLOGIZED!

      • Exactly KarenE I have heard this how many time? „I SAID SORRY“ now back off and let me sail my boat, you are taking the wind out of my sail..

        • This is absolutely my cheater Xhole…”I said I was sorry, you just won’t accept it.” Idiot doesn’t get that his half-assed apology does NOT change one damn thing because his BEHAVIOR says otherwise. Zero empathy!!

          • This reminds me of when I was young and did something she told me not to do, my mother would say “if you were sorry, you wouldn’t have done it to begin with.”

      • Not a big surprise that a person who would troll on a board like this has behaviors in common with a narcissist cheater…

    • Let’s not forget OW/OM trolls! Those kind-hearted souls come here to give us lessons on why they’re actually innocent, selfless, do-gooders trying to enlighten us poor bitter chumps.

      • Making our awful marriages happier, making the cheater happier so he doesn’t have to leave his/her family! They’re practically providing a public service!

  • Yeah, trolls always sound gleefully insincere IRL and even when they are here writing! I love the Happy Trolls. “My marriage is great. Cheating was just a speed bump on our way to Happily Ever After. We are special because we are working it out? My spouse truly llllllooooooovvvvvveeeeessss me!” Gag! Oh, and my ex didn’t like consequences either. The best thing I did was get the divorce (although I allowed the Narc to file first as he was truly on that crazy train! Still is!) Cheaters are crap people. Period. When someone cheats on you IMHO there is nothing left to fix. My disordered Cheater dumped the house, our savings, walked out on his children, pays crap for “alimony”, and still expects me to “play nice” when it comes to the one asset he CAN’T take away from me, the pension. Dick, get on with your perfect life! What a total jerkwad.

  • Commando Troll: Just telling things the way they are! This crowd can’t handle hearing the truth, but I’m going to say it anyway. You’re going to attack me for it, but I’ve got a mission that must be carried out. Nobody’s perfect. S/he’s not perfect, you’re not perfect, therefore you’re even. Just stop being a lyin’ hypocrite and believe me and nobody gets hurt!

    Sigmund Troll: not her/his fault. Deep underlying issues. Don’t create more anxiety for your spouse, who needs space and time to work out their FOO stuff. Shhhh. Tiptoe. Baby on board.

    Dr. Ruth Troll: Do you want to happy? Or do you want to be loved? Serve up that sandwich in the garden on a tea tray with the silver and always, always remember to use a pitcher for the milk.

    • “Sigmund Troll: not her/his fault. Deep underlying issues. Don’t create more anxiety for your spouse, who needs space and time to work out their FOO stuff. Shhhh. Tiptoe. Baby on board.” LOLOLOLOL! Excellent EnoughAlready!

      I was (still) married to a Sigmund Troll, except I’m sure he wouldn’t see himself as a troll. Funny to read, not funny to experience/deal with.

    • YOLO Troll….arent those little mother fuckers the best? The YOLO Troll will tell you that life is too short to be unhappy… That everyone needs to be happy. Happy enemas all around. Yup , happy will clean that 15 year constipated marriage of yours. So much fucking happy that you wont be able to stay mad at them for seeking their happiness… if you truely loved them you would be happy for them. Their Pinterest board has so many fucking quotes about happy that they can make it into a drinking game… HAPPY!

    • How about the “Count Your Blessings” Trolls- Even though your significant other “eats lunch out” often, they always come home to you for dinner. That’s true love. You should be grateful that they come home at all.

      • KenderJ,
        I met that troll. That troll supplied me with about four years of denial and hopium. She said, “Reward his good behavior. If he comes home to you, reward him.” The CYB Trolls are great fun if you like doggie training…

  • How about “For the Kids” Trolls?

    I feel bad for your kids. How could you be writing about this? What if they find out what you are saying? You should have stayed together “for the kids.”

    How about “Must Be Therapeutic For You” Trolls?

    These trolls dismiss what you write by implying you are over sharing classifying your blog as a very public journal for all to read. Such messiness. I bet it is therapeutic for you to write this out as no other reason could really be behind writing on such an unpleasant and personal things in a blog. They fail to realize bloggers also know how to use the old school paper and pen to journal if that was their purpose.

    And I agree the other trolls CL lists are accurate as well. Too many trolls. Too many. Do they make an anti-troll spray?

        • I agree, DM, no more profits for Monsanto.

          Besides, I’ve come around to thinking the trolls are engaged in public service, unwittingly. One fear was that they would unravel the resolve of some CN-member in pain who had just initiated steps to disengage from his/her cheater. But the trolls seem to have the opposite effect–CN rallies to dispute troll-ignorance. Kind of awesome to behold.

          • Yes! I was just going to post that a chemical free trollicide is called CN, currently available on CL.

    • Right. Clearly you and CL are using these platforms to work out your issues. Hit counters are so tasteless under the circumstances.

      I don’t know about troll-spray, but there has been discussion in the forums of CL marketing hopecide spray in a variety of flavors for when the hope fairy flies around whispering in our ears. My recommendation is “Wake Up and Smell the Coffee Farts”.

      • How about Hopecide plug-ins for every room? Hopemints to carry in your purse (like bad breath mints)? Hopecide Sugar-Free Gum? Hopium-Free Candles? Hopium-Free necklaces and bracelets (kind of like wearing garlic and crosses to keep away vampires).

  • Unicorn Trolls are the worst. They’ve managed to turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse because they aren’t losers like the rest of us. Oh, that wheelbarrow full of spackle in the corner? That’s nothing. I’m just redecorating the love nest.

    • Whistling and looking into the distance hoping no one notices. I think when I did that, I was nice and admitted it was a hard road.

        • yes…and an industrial size wheelbarrow at that.

          My late H was SUCH an abysmal spouse …his poor treatment of me was the singular thing his parents were ashamed of him for. I am marrying a good guy soon and his parents/family are being SO nice/supportive about it, like they can let go of that shame and sadness now.

          • Then you can, Unicornomore! My late X was as asshat too. I married again a few years back to another former chump. The X’s family wishes me well, and were mortified at his behavior back when. Once the manipulator is off the scene, so much becomes clear. Congratulations to you, and much happiness ahead!

          • Unicornomore,
            That spackle can come in handy! I spackled in the back porch where all his hoarding bounty was and made it an art studio, and I’m selling my art! :)! :)!

            • You go Toni!! I have decided to stay in my house for the time being and I redecorated “his” office in a very girly manner…chandelier and all. Im currently redoing (with much spackle) my bedroom and bathroom…smashing down walls to make a huge bath with double steam shower. Soon to be new husband is bringing a beautiful antique armoire that his XW left behind when she chumped him …Im putting it in MY bathroom…Ive never had a piece of furniture this lovely before…golly..thanks XW…I will take this fine man and fine furniture that comes with him.

  • Subspecies of Bitterness Trolls – the Do Whatever Makes You Happy Troll (because NOTHING can stand in the way of HAPPINESS – like vows and stuff).

  • The Crisis Troll: It was a hard time in his or her life. Got fired, parent died, realized they were getting older. Close cousin to the Sigmund Troll, this troll shows you that it was not your fault for being a bad spouse or their fault for cheating on you. It was “ugly coping.” Poor sausage didn’t have the ability to handle the bad thing happening and turned to cheating instead. It’s like drugs or alcohol minus the 12-step program with all that nasty accountability. If only the poor sausage had gotten that promotion or those they cared about lived forever or they weren’t turning 30/40/50/60… then the cheating would have never happened. Sure exercising/volunteering/writing that book might have been /better/ but it was a temporary thing that would have passed if you didn’t add more stress with all those emotions and divorce.

    The Switzerland Troll: This one is all about neutrality and not judging. After all no one /real/ know what goes on in a marriage and please don’t tell them your point of view. They’d rather just be friends with both of you if that’s alright. They’re not judging him/her but they’re not judging you either, so it’s fair! Both of you are good friends and they don’t want to be forced to choose. They won’t push you to forgive him/her if it’s not in your heart, they’re not going to judge how long it takes you to come to terms with what happened, but please don’t let it interfere with their lives or perceptions of reality. And while you don’t /have/ to forgive if you could just not let it bother you every Wednesday for an hour or two they don’t want to find new bridge partners. I mean they understand if you /can’t/ it would just be inconvenient. And Switzerland Tolls hate to be inconvenienced.

      • I very much despise the “No one really knows what goes on in a marriage” troll. I encounter them all over the place, that particular troll covers almost he entire spectrum of troll behavior doesn’t it?

    • Also like Switzerland, they hate to be attacked themselves. It has been my observation on these boards and IRL that when the shoe is on the other foot, they don’t like the way it fits at all. And there situation is different! Tragical! You still need to get over your problems so that you can concentrate on theirs. Which are real/really problems.

    • Crisis trolls yes ! Probably many subspecies of that one , how about cancer crisis trolls , not their cancer crisis obviously , but yours and don’t you realise how bad it felt that they might lose you ?

      • Or the birth of a child, or moving to a new house. The Crisis Cheaters are just so fragile, anything could upset them.

      • The subspecies of Midlife Crisis trolls is my personal fave–esp. when used to justify banging someone 3 decades younger.

          • Or the tats, and the teeth whitening, and the new underwear, and the dieting. Or the becoming a COMPLETE asshole…

              • Or drinking to excess, and bragging to the whore about it, although I had never seen this guy drunk… He certainly should be proud of that.

              • Or the new expensive electric keyboard because the jackass didn’t get any love playing the guitar, what with being tone deaf and unable to keep a beat.

              • Yeah, the gigolo jeans and the cowboy boots because they add height to the little man. Oh! And don’t forget the pink button down shirt!! What a frickin’ joke. My ex replayed our courtship with his whore. Right down to the distance traveled and concerts attended were those he had taken his family to in the last years he was so “unhappily married.” He even got souvenirs for our kids. Nothing like being a wank father who walks out on them personally and financially and handing out token gifts to remind himself how great a person he is!

    • Switzerland Troll-this was my sister -in-law! Friends with me AND the OW! Still can’t (won’t) understand why I have noting to say to her…she was just being neutral after all!

    • Poor Switzerland trolls found themselves target of a shock & awe campaign as they were skillfully carved off my life. I’m sure I’M the bitter one!

    • Mine was a combination of YOLO troll and Crisis troll. He had a medical crises and once I got him through it and he got better he realized life was short and he had one last chance at happiness. That last chance wasn’t with me. He dumped me for OW as soon as he didn’t financially need me anymore.

    • Greengirl, you just described all of my former friends/relatives to a tee. Crisis trolls and Switzerland trolls. And it’s funny how the same people who are there helping you pack your backs and telling you how important it is to get out of such a damaging situation are later the ones who make the best Cheater apologists. A woman who was one of my biggest advocates to leave told me she couldn’t stay in a relationship like that and would have to leave to preserve her own dignity. Her words were incredibly galvanizing, and because I had such immense respect for her opinion, I really took that talk to heart. A few weeks later, after I’d moved and was venting to someone I thought understood, she asked me to imagine the pain I’d have felt if our roles (my cheater’s and mine) had been reversed (like I hadn’t already asked myself the same question a million times before) and then asked how *I’d* have reacted. I was horrified. The implication was that his cheating and abuse was justified by trauma, and more, that I’d have done the same. The worst assumption of all was that the trauma somehow hadn’t impacted on me. Truly unbelievable, yet I think this last assumption was shared by most if not all of our (former) mutual friends.

      I’m truly grateful for the two women who stepped in and provided clarity and organization at a time I desperately needed healthy doses of both. I knew I needed to get out, but they were basically the ones driving the getaway car. No matter how things turned out later, I’ll always be thankful for how much they helped me and my girls. It’s just impossible for me to maintain any contact with them now. The longer I’m out from it all, the more incomprehensible it seems. How can you see abuse clearly enough to know you’ve got to literally drag someone out of a burning house, but then later pretend you never saw who the arsonist was? I will never understand that. I don’t ever want to understand that.

      • Oh, my, FoolMeTwice. “later pretend you never saw who the arsonist was…” That’s another kind of betrayal. I’m sorry your friends turned out to be idiots and apologists after all.

  • Ah – our occasional visiting trolls from the outer planets of the unicornverse……

    “Really beautiful… and direction changes just like a flock of birds evading a predator.”

    😀

  • This is interesting because my experience was that if you know that your spouse is fooling around, you got to leave him / her. Or else, no one can have respect for you. In fact, when I started visiting various message boards centering on marriage and infidelity, it was a surprise to me that people even talked about reconciliation.

  • The new Age intellectual Troll

    These trolls are fluent in paradigm talk speak, quote Esther Perel, state that monogamy is unnatural as they “naturally” get their vagina steam cleaned while they unconsciously uncouple from their IQ.

    • PF–that’s good! The New Age Intellectual Troll is cousin to the Hipster Troll–why you getting all hot and bothered about a little sex among consenting adults? Hey, it’s all good. Every generation after Mad Men knows one or both partners in a marriage is likely to screw around; it shows healthy libido. YOLO. You people at CN lack sophistication, just sayin’.

    • Aaah I know many many New age intellectual trolls. Most of them are older men who abandon their wife and kids to take up with girls younger than their daughters. How could one possibly be so unenlightened and closed minded to think that one should stay with ones wife and kids, when you can realize your full potential and screw someone younger than your daughter. How old fashioned…..

  • Grandiose Troll- this superhuman species of troll knows more than you, I or any other troll. He/She is the Narcissistic Troll of all trolls. We mere muggels don’t understand what philosophical, deep seeded knowledge & comprehension of what the world is all about like these trolls do. They know something we don’t; they can’t really explain it or give it a name…but trust that their cheating is what’s meant to be and what’s best for everyone. They knew all along their infidelity meant something much more than frivolous sex…they just had to let it all play out. Grandiose Troll deserves a heartfelt “thank you” for the favor he/she did you in pushing you along your life’s journey in a way you never would’ve done for yourself.

          • It was confirmed that in his 20s, before he was married, he slept with a married woman. There is a woman trying to rise to fame as a “professional mistress” teaching “wife school” claiming that he was one of her many affair partners. That is currently unconfirmed if she was really sleeping with him or not. He’s denied it claiming she’s just seeking fame and according to tabloids threatened to file a law suit. So far she has no proof but also claimed to have had affairs with various other public figures. Consider it a developing story.

            • Phew – well, until I hear otherwise I’m going to pick up my spackle bucket on this one – I LOVE how into his wife and kids he appears to be. He’s an arsey get, of course, but y’know …….

              • The thing is with famous people half the time it turns out they were sleeping around, the other half it’s someone seeking fame or a paper printing headlines to get you to buy it in the checkout lane. I tend to ignore rumors about famous people until they are absolutely confirmed (Clinton, etc.)

    • love grandiose…. I thought my troll was just a narcissistic, self absorbed,cheating ,liar, thief. But he is so much more with all these descriptions……

  • The Irony Troll- this trolls tag line reads: do as I say and not as I do. This troll is all about lecturing you for looking in the direction of a member of the opposite sex but can turn a blind eye to his/her own infidelity. It’s different when they do it, they’re special. Plan on dealing with double standards and a lot of gray area when it comes to addressing their wrongdoings but strictly black & white when it comes to yours. Read: “well yeah, I might’ve slept with that prostitute but it meant nothing. When you had lunch with your male friend from high school to plan your 25th class reunion that was WAY worse. How can I ever trust you again?”
    This Irony Troll is the category the Holy Trolls reside under.

    • The Irony Troll I think this one can come in many forms or sets of beliefs.

      My experience is that they will put you down for expressing concern about a certain female friend of your husband. But when you watch them operate, you can barely say hello to their husband or else she will call you to account, ie “Oh, saw you over there speaking to my husband………”

  • TrumpTroll is the wind beneath the wings of every troll. It is the invisible energy source of the RIC. If each troll post went through the UBT, the following universal code would be detected:

    Chump Nation, you keep reminding me of that which cannot be spoken. My cheater cannot be trusted and will more than likely cheat again, unless I am perfect and forgive. But, erhm, uh…even that is no guarantee. So shut up already.

    (aka…projection, projection, projection)

  • The special snowflake troll? You know, “I’m so hot and you let yourself go so of course he prefers me”‘ types? I get a lot of forgiveness trolls lately, worried about my bitterness because Facebook graced me with the photo montage of my ex & ow’s one year anniversary kick in the gut. And the ” so glad you found each other” well wishers who overlook the fact he had an evil troll of a wife at the time ( me) Hey, it was so last year, you have a boyfriend, why u bitter?

    • ah yes, the Affair Partner Troll; you weren’t meeting his neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddssssssssss and I was only trying to help your marriage but you know, soul mates…

  • There is an obvious need for pictures of various troll dolls for this compendium. They could be lined up on the desk and be flicked off one by one, or wiped out with one arm sweep, depending on one’s mood.

  • Since we’re developing an online knowledge base here, let me put this in for posterity. My second ex was a chef. It may very well be that chefs are the most likely to cheat on you. I have seen more evidence lately of chefs being unfaithful to their spouses than almost any other profession. If you are in a relationship with a chef or considering it, unfortunately this should be a big red flag to you. I now know my ex was never faithful to me, even from the beginning of our marriage. Painful to realize, but true. It makes me feel like the whole 11 years were one big (and expensive) lie.

    • Unfortunately there are people who say that lawyers are more likely to cheat on you than any other profession, or doctors, or musicians, or police officers, or stay at home parents, or pastors or teachers/professors, or actors. So far we have yet to determine which profession is least likely to cheat on you. Archeologist maybe?

  • Two by Two Troll-These trolls are only spotted in pairs. They believe all people are meant to be coupled-up. If you’re not moving in that direction, then something is wrong with you. There must have been something that drove your partner away if you aren’t ready to find a new relationship RIGHT AWAY. Sexual problems, maybe? Maybe you are cold and unfeeling? Why don’t you want to be a COUPLE and come and have dinner with us and other COUPLES again. Your singledom is such a drag. It makes them very uncomfortable. Your ex has moved on and you haven’t, so maybe they’ll have him over instead.

  • I’d like to submit “The Condescending Nature Documentarian Troll.” These are the trolls who love making statements along the lines of:
    “Human beings are not hard-wired for monogamy.”
    “It is in man’s nature to spread his seed with as many females as possible.”
    “Women are drawn to the virile alpha male. This is basic human nature.”

    Sometimes I think basic decency is a rare and relatively recent evolutionary trait. We (the decents) are currently coexisting with the older lineage (the assholes), much like the Cro-Magnon lived among the Neanderthal for a time.

  • I firmly believe in unicorns! I believe they are amazing…and exceedingly rare. I may have seen one once upon a time, but I am not sure. My CH seems more like a donkey, but then, that’s why I am here. Today I met a fellow chump in church. She told me straight up about being divorced and why. No long story. Just a factual statement. I told her “me too”. It is wonderful to be part of a church where chumps don’t have to feel ashamed that we have been through hell. Oh…my most despised troll has to be the Switzerlanders! How is it possible to be neutral about betrayal and all that goes with it?

  • “The lady doth protest too much, methinks” …

    This is the thing. If you have to convince others that you are happily reconciled, you just sound defensive and insecure. If you are happily reconciled, and others are not, it’s really none of your business if you are secure in the reconciliation, and you let others do their thing. If you have to convince other people, you’re highly likely trying to convince yourself.

    • Exactly! While they spend their Saturday evenings hanging out on infidelity boards online. Sounds like a fantastic reconciled marriage to me. Where do I sign up?!

      The “leave a cheater, GAIN A LIFE”, is the part they misread here!

  • Wow, Needing a bit of decoration inspiration as I am in the process of dressing my family home of 15 years for sale, after reading this post I envisioned a set of four shadow boxes in a window type arrangement on a vast unused wall. I constantly encounter the “forgiveness troll”, the “unicorn troll”, the “holy troll” and that last box was going to stay empty full of possibilities, till I realised by further reading that the empty box was going to have to become the feature central piece housing the “SRCT” and the rest (too many now to count) will need to be artistically scatter at random intervals.
    A bit like one of those family portrait walls. Without labelling the content of the boxes I think it would be fun to ask those who visit my home which one they like best and see if they match up.

    I wonder if I can order that many shadow boxes online???????

  • We should put the next Super Sincere Troll up to the task of financing someone’s Marital Devastation. I could use a few bucks from a realllllllly sorrrrry reformed cheater. If they give me enough money, I will say “sure, join our party!” (like how about 10 year’s gross income?).

    • Yes, try living in a leaky trailer for five years while the dude who blew your mortgage (and marriage) out of the water is living in his new home. Best thing about it? I am happy, even while missing my beautiful home, while Mr. Scorched Earth and Owife are miserable. Six figures and They don’t make enough money! LOL

  • I really despise the OWHore Trolls, for lack of a better name for them. They want to get on blogs and talk about What Good People they and the co whore are, how they will be different and special their adulterous relationship is, how they are just wonderful and how pathetic, unattractive, and loser like the people who have been cheated on are.

  • How could you forget the Misandry Troll? The ones that pop up every single time a blog post on abuse, financial or custody issues comes up the MRAs are quick to pounce. What about the menz, we have it so much worse than the women in divorce, we can’t win custody (even though we don’t try because you know, there is no point). Women abuse men equally, where are the menz shelters they cry. The list goes on, what about the menz? And is followed with bullshit statistics and no respectable citations. Lots of anecdotes and a pile on as the initial troll runs out of anything remotely rational to say. After too many useless rational responses, I personally have decided that “fuck off” is the correct response when these trolls appear.

    • On the one hand they have some points, on the other, they rarely pop up in the appropriate place. We certainly have some men on this blog who have been cheated on and lost their children. False accusations of abuse do occur. But this isn’t a men vs. women issue, it’s chump vs. cheater no matter the gender of their one. I was reading a story the other day about an education issue in Quebec Canada and there were people complaining about the signs that liberals were destroying America/it’s Obama’s fault, etc. When Bush was president I saw similar things. Flood in Australia? Blame Bush!

      They have nothing to contribute the current conversation so they make it about issues they do know about.

      • Yes, I hate that “women initiate divorce” crap. My refusal to do his dirtywork was probably the reason I had a long “reconciliation” but now I would argue that I was probably misguided.

        These guys treat their wives with horrible contempt and disrespect and them whine like a victim when the wife files.

        Remember Mel Gibson…long marriage with 8 kids then he cavorts with a Russian woman on an extended basis …the report I read was that after the OW got pregnant, Mrs Mel filed and Mel burst into his Church desperately telling the Priest that his WIFE had filed for DIVORCE!! (how COULD she? !!).

        And Russian lady turned out to be not a great prize and then Mel morphed into a monster from hell punishing her for being pretty much who she was all along. While his XW quietly walked away with 10s of millions…Chumphero. Cheater Mel’s swandive onto concrete was so bad it was painful to watch even for people who enjoy comeuppance.

  • How about the perfect troll otherwise known as the toddler troll. It was, is and always will be your fault. I work hard. I did my best to not do anything I didn’t want to do. I have a right to rage, sleep with other women because you just weren’t doing what I wanted. I do nothing but what I wanted. I always asked ‘what’s in it for me’ nicely. I think I am a great person. Why don’t you. Oh yes that is because it is all your fault.

      • No, dickwad, it’s because it isn’t all about you when you’re married. Grow up or go away. That’s a good answer to the toddler. And no cookies tonight.

    • Perfect trolls, are usually the ones who say is she younger and also narcs. I respond with, “yes she is a little younger and also UGLY with no morals an arrest record and she screws married men in her car. She also has mental health issues and needy whore who beats up men and takes drugs. That is perfection? He has the fantasy all right. Hahaha!

    • Or how about the other “Perfect Troll”-the family member, friend, acquaintance who asks you what you did to make the other cheat and then goes on about how their spouse would never cheat because speaker is the perfect spouse. This same person says they have “cheat” proofed their marriage and want to tell you how to change your personality to keep your next spouse from cheating.

  • To be clear, this is not about the male chumps here with legitimate issues about what went down in their particular case. The Misandry Troll has over the top beliefs and derails those legitimate discussions. And NO, they do not “make it about issues they do know about”, they make it about issues they are ignorant about. Lastly, so far as I’ve seen I am the only person arrested on a false abuse charge; and I am a woman.

      • Dat, I was as well. It’s a very common ploy. No charges, no record, but I was such a chump I didn’t press charges for that false report that could have put the fucker in jail for a lot longer than the night I spent in jail so the jackass could “teach me a lesson.”

        • I am so sorry that happened to you, jail is traumatic. There is a book out about how men are using the new mandatory arrest laws to put their wives in jail for DV during divorce. it sucks

    • Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend. I would call them the Victim Trolls. It’s not enough to be cheated on, it must be a conspiracy of some type, or their cheater must have been extra awful. They are more a victim than everyone else. To be clear there are some who had it worse than others, but this should never be a competition. The suffering of one person does not add to or lessen the suffering of others.

      • It’s not a competition, I was simply responding to your comment “False accusations of abuse do occur.” There are many here who’ve had horrible experiences.

  • How about Gaslighting Cheater Trolls. pretending to care about the stories of chumps but really attack them, and then turn around and say chumps just don’t understand their cheating partners…who just want to be happy…and chumps should believe that APs are just friends or racquetball partners or exchanging recipes for that nice whipped pineapple dip…and maybe the chumps need some counseling…

  • I think the reason so many trolls are showing up is because your message is hitting a nerve, Chump Lady. The trolls are so used to the RIC message that they don’t know what to do with something that is so contrary to what they usually see.

    I also believe most of your troll population is made up of people who want to defend their choices. I don’t get the vibe that cheaters are the trolls because most of them don’t have the courage to come to a site like this one. It’s been my experience that cheaters don’t believe what they did was wrong so why would they come here? It would make them uncomfortable and they don’t like that!

    I miss most of the trolls that frequent your site (mostly because of the internet policies at the company I work). By the time I see it at night they’ve already scurried under the nearest underbrush. Not that it matters because I’ve found that they offer very little value to whatever the conversation is at hand.

    I think the fact that there are more attacks means that your message is getting out there and they’re scared! To me, that is awesome. Your message needs to strike a nerve!

    • But there are some cheaters who are self-righteous fucks who feel they deserve everything including married people. (Do the gender math on that regarding sexual orientation/whatever else, heh). Those are the ones who know they have done wrong but don’t care. I get the impression that a good amount of ‘trolls’ (I just call them fuckwits and leave it at that – cuz thats what they are) on CL’s site are precisely that – they can’t handle the fact that people are standing up to their nonsense, and in their disordered stupidity, think that they can ‘change’ the ethos of this site because of their grandiose ideas of how great they and their being are. Then, when they are thumped into the wall or floor, spout off ‘lol u mad?’ bullshit.

    • Cheaters will rear their ugly heads here on occasion. Their tactic is hit and run, they don’t plan on staying long enough to hear the fall out. Sounds so familiar. Hit and run with the coworker, then the new neighbors husband, and on and on never looking at the fall out.

  • Wups stuffed that up hahahaha
    I don’t get the religious ones who are Christians because in the bible the only acceptable reason for a divorce is infidelity and it’s only acceptable if it’s the innocent partner who wants the divorce (book of Matthew I vaguely recall). If a supposed Christian tut tuts then perhaps they need to go to bible school lol

    • Yeah but in their oh-so-holy minds they think they can twist Scripture verses to suit their own needs.
      They aren’t truly religious, they just use their religion to suit their needs.
      I can’t stand people like that – and I’m non-religious!

      • My x Minister Cheater Husband has told my son that everyone goes to heaven no matter what.
        My son now believes that you can do anything you want because you are already forgiven ( that’s why Jesus died – so x could do whatever he wanted and get a Hall Pass ).

        My kids are great and know right from wrong – I am not worried about that. But I do continue to get the gift that keeps on giving through my son who has no real filter yet and tells me all kinds of stuff that I probably should not know (MOW sleeps in Daddy’s bed cause she has a bad back…).

        So I am adding to the list the Bible Thumping Troll. You know them. God wants us to be happy. Why can’t you be happy for our happiness – Jesus is !!!

        • Cheater searched around till he found Christian Universalism which says everyone has forgiveness instantly no matter what you do and continued to do. He also turned the whore onto it. They love the no accountability of it.

  • Triangulation Trolls enjoyed the euphoric feeling of being sought after while cheating with other women. Their relationship is based on his fabricated version of how horrible it was being married. They enjoy the craziness and plan their future together as they are soulless mates that finally found each other. But the craziness stops, the wife moves on. The narc starts using excuses to be away. The OW has no peace knowing he really is untrustworthy. The disordered are never happy for very long. These trolls need a dose of desirability you previously provided. They taunt, vomit their toxicity and try to use you as their nourishment. They have needs after all. What’s a troll to do?

  • Hypocritical Trolls

    They were actually once chumped but are normally found hanging around and befriending the very type of guy/gal that chumped them particularly in the aftermath of a breakup, they tend to side with the ‘sparkly person’ who normally had the affair- seemingly oblivious to the fact that this person is very bad for their mental health and then gossiping about all the flaws in the deserted/devasted partner i.e. no wonder he/she left them……….

    • Also under the Hypocritical Trolls, the “Turn the Tables” Troll. My spouse had an affair and I was so devastated that I had to have an affair with your spouse. Then tries to commiserate with you about how it sucks to be cheated on and expects you to be friends like some bad movie.

  • The Small Town Cheater Troll my life is dull I do this as a hobby/entertainment. Then lie about it to my wife and her friends to alienate the woman who doesn’t fall for his crap and actually tries to warn her about his behavior. Still dealing with the fall out but things do get better!

  • Revenge Trolls, they go that extra mile to heap more abuse on the chump on behalf of the lying cheater due to their bogus tale of woe. ….. My spouse abused ME….lied to ME….cheated on ME……stole MY money…

    And the troll joins in to add to the misery of the unsuspecting chump. They are the ones who report back to the cheater on you, lie to you about the cheater, or actively harm you in some way to “even the score”. Not that they ever try to get both sides of the story. My cheater ex’s family did this, and members of our former church. I found myself being shunned by quite a few at services, without knowing why.

    A pox on them!

  • Hey chumplady:

    You forgot to add, anyone and anyone who disagrees with your bitter personal opinion, is a troll, because you labeled them a troll, and you are of course a Narcissist who has self-proclaimed themselves an relationship expert without commensurate credentials.

    BTW: If you hate trolls so much, why did you post a picture of a troll at the top of your blog? Kinda’ weird. No?

    • Oh, I just spotted another! It’s a cross between the Get-Over-It Troll and the Self-Pity Troll! Identified by it’s distinctive calls of, “You’re so bitter!” and “Why you so mean to me and banz me?”. Species characterized by bad grammar, juvenile reasoning, and personal attacks.

      Troll . . . fail.

      Machim, your comment made CL’s point far better than even she could.

      • I see him too nomar. I think you’re right about the cross between the Get-Over-It Troll and the Self-Pity Troll with a dash of the 8th-Grade-Pimply-Faced Troll thrown in for interest.

  • Parental troll : it’s all about their image, their feelings, their standing in society and you the betrayed spouse is SUCH a shame to THEM… it’s not ur pain, suffering or devastation… It’s their shame to have produced a kid who cannot make the marriage happy enough that their spouse had to cheat… If only the kid was as sparkly as them and been so blazingly good, then ofcourse the S/DIL would not have cheated… I mean they worked n kept house n stayed in shape n had sex with their husband… Never mind that said husband was faithful n helped out with housework n childcare .. Never mind the support system in place by way of parents, siblings n friends who helped said parent… Nooooooo it’s all their greatness they were able to do all this n keep spouse from cheating … So obviously you are flawed!!! Gasp!! What did they doooo to deserve this shame?!?!?

    Emotional Vampire Troll: friends or family who ask after you or tell you u sound unhappy… Assure you they have your best interests at heart and want you to share your pain each day if necessary….and when u make the mistake of actually sharing any of your feelings they either goad you into a futile cycle of pain n rehashing pain or tell you where you are flawed… Why you are in this endless cycle of pain… They do this esp if u are looking for a solution… Noooooo u can’t look for solution… They NEED you to be in the endless loop of pain Cuz then they get to play their role till they tire of it… Then they morph into Forgiveness trolls n ask why you can’t forgive?!?!?!?

  • I’ll call this one the STUNTED GROWTH MAN POACHING TROLL, this type of troll may have had some potential but she was too busy screwing her friends boyfriends. Her growth was stunted by alcohol addiction and pill popping, oh my aching back. This is a whiney troll who no doubt is an unworth sparring partner who probably has a 8th or 9th grade education. This troll has limited knowledge of labels as she didn’t recognize herself in the picture at the top of the blog. God these narcissistes, they really can’t see themselves in the mirror. Look harder take the mask off for Mac Him sake. Get your GED for trolls sake. Get a life.

  • What about the Virgin Cheater Trolls? These are the ones who are just so offended by the notion that their affair isn’t based on Sex, it’s Loooove. They have a euphemism for everything and are offended by crude terms like Fucking, whores, dick, etc. You are just tacky for discussing Adultery in that Nasty Way. Their screwfests are Not Like That, lol.

    • NotJuliet, LOL! My Ex and his whore have ALL their lines down to excuse Cheating. True Love, Together w/spouses they “didn’t love” for the children you know (never mind that mindfuck!) , YOLO, we grew apart, He/she didn’t do WTFever , we had nothing in common, etc ad naseum. Oh yes their hook up was exactly about crap boundaries , poor character, and sketchy sex. IMHO if they keep the lie going maybe it will make their colossal hurtful mistake palatable.

  • I didn’t realize how much you were protecting us from trolls. It’s hard enough without them so thank you!

  • What about the “Don’t Judge” Troll-random people on with no ties to anyone involved, usually on the Internet who insist you can’t judge the cheater or the AP because you don’t know them”. They might have “insert pop-psych flavor of the moment” issues.

  • Shit-stirrer Troll: I come here to be contrary and to negate every point. For sport. Because I get off on other people’s pain and like to be an anonymous dick online.

    Personality Disorder/Distorted Thinking Troll:

    You say cheater? I say poor bastard who finally found someone who thinks I walk on water Because I get to reinvent myself minus all my faults you know about.

    You say child support? I say unemployed.

    You say contempt? I say, “I’m sorry your honor, but I doggone it, gosh, honestly didn’t know that was wrong.”

    You say liar? I say define lying.

    You say No Trespassing order? I say, “Kids is your mother home? Because I’ll park in her driveway if she’s not because it’s technically my property” [it isn’t anymore].

    You say Moral Relativism? I say that’s not what they teach at the Catholic church schmoopie and attend every Sunday.

    You say poor judgment? I say if it feels good, I’ll find a way to rationalize doing it. Because I can.

    • A close relative to Distorted Thinking Troll: Carebear Troll…
      Her feet never touch the ground. The clouds are so pleasant! She can soothe your ‘ornery’ man. The power of her! She keeps the universe in balance.
      How caring.
      I imagine you have seen her. She is fat and light purple, with a cluster of Carebear Troll offspring (for her consumption). She likes to spin words of caring… her shifting ‘virtue’ and caring can fix it all.
      Carebear Trolls seem so trustworthy. Who doesn’t love a cuddly Witchbear… I mean Carebear?
      When in Carebear’s presence, your red flag is the subtle impression that she is lazy… but she wants to talk solutions.
      She says things like, “You can talk to me about all your problems.”
      “Oh, honey, tell me more.”
      Do not be fooled. Keep distance. Carebear Trolls eat their young. I have seen it.

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