An alert chump sent me this HuffPo video of actress Maria Bello discussing infidelity. Mercifully, it’s only 1.20 minutes of self-justifying word salad. The interviewer begins by asking Bello if she feels judged for openly discussing her infidelities, and she replies:
“More than 50 percent of married couples say they’ve had affairs.”
Where’d that statistic come from? The “scientists” over at AshleyMadison? Oh yeah, cheaters are the silent majority and the rest of us are just aberrant monogamists and hypocrites.
Many of Bello’s “heroes” have had affairs, she says, and puts herself in the company of Martin Luther King, Jr. and John F. Kennedy. You see, she stands with Great and Powerful Men. Iconoclasts boldly
fighting for civil rights fucking around on their wives. Clearly Bello is in the Cool Kid Club. I would point out that these two men were also assassinated, but… whatever.
Sitting Indian-style atop a sofa, Bello furrows her Botox-ed brow and contemplates the meaning of “good/bad” labels when people cheat.
“What is this about? So I looked up the definition of desire and it said ‘to want something you don’t have.'”
(Actually that is the definition for “covet”…)
“When someone is in a longer committed relationship, perhaps they have the person but no longer desire them.”
Oh yeah, that’s the Esther Perel mindfuck of — you can’t desire what you already have. Because desiring only works on things you DON’T have. Being content with what you have? That’s for losers.
Also, this notion completely side steps the Unified Theory of Cake. Of course cheaters want what they have! AND they want whatever else is out there. But if you’re an OW like Bello, you have to tell yourself, hey he doesn’t desire his wife anymore.
Who is Bello and why should we care whatever drivel she spouts on HuffPo? A self-described feminist, humanitarian, and sexual “Whatever” — Bello has recently written a book “Whatever…Love Is Love: Questioning the Labels We Give Ourselves.”
In an interview with the Daily Beast, Bello explains why we should cast off our “outdated” partnership models.
Things are more fluid. As soon as we start to think of anything as static we’re basically just lying to ourselves. Life is fluid. Partnerships are fluid. Things will change and we will die. We don’t know when that’s going to be, for the most part. If we can remember that and continue to question, to live in the question, which is sometimes so difficult. For me, the more I live in the question, the more I am mindful, the more I am joyful, the more I am compassionate, and the more I am grateful.
If one thing pisses me off most about the Esther Perels and Maria Bellos of the world is this crap that they are somehow aligning themselves with the oppressed and misunderstood. That they are more authentic and the rest of us are “lying to ourselves” about relationships. Infidelity is just a quest to “feel alive” (Perel). It’s all just a Big Question and we should be open and fluid. Listen, Bello, if you were compassionate, you wouldn’t fuck another woman’s husband.
If you want to be a Whatever — fine. Partner with whom or whatever. But respect the boundaries of other people’s relationships. It’s wonderful that you care about earthquake victims in Haiti. All those affairs you had on movie sets — there was a chump. Is she a victim deserving of your compassion? Or someone you can disregard because she’s not “desired”?
Oh and FUCK all this ambiguity. We are in the middle of the greatest civil rights moment of our generation — gay rights. The U.S. Supreme Court is expected to rule on gay marriage next month.
If partnerships are all just one big fluid Whatever — why give people civil rights to marry? If partnership is always changing, why care? Why don’t you ask Edie Windsor if her 40-year committed relationship to Thea Spyer was “outdated”? Oh, they’re lesbians so I guess monogamy is cool if they do it.
When you have the freedom to marry, I guess you can be all “whatever” about your relationship status and choosing who you love. But if you really gave a shit about civil rights, you’d realize that people aspire to cherish one another, commit to one another, and be recognized as legally and spiritually bonded couples. It’s not “whatever.”