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Dear Chump Lady, Is It Okay to Fuck with His Head?

hateyouDear Chump Lady,

Is it OK for me to fuck with his head?  I really want to scare him and the OW over the holiday season for my amusement. I probably would not follow through (but I may). I know stuff that will freak them out, not to mention his other family members, if I disclose the info (think porn addiction). 

He has no clue as to whom I have disclosed this info. I know where they live (five hours away). I just want to say to them that I will drop in to wish them a happy holiday, and then share with them. In the past, I have stated that I may drop by and he has freaked out. That gives me a good feeling. There is so much more that I am pissed about. This would give me some holiday pleasure.

So, is it OK to fuck with his head?



Dear Catlady,

Yeah, so how’s that going to go? You drop by elderly Aunt Mildred’s house and over gingerbread cookies you say, “By the way, Bob likes anal sex. Really likes it. Honestly, it’s a fetish when you consider how many porn videos he’s downloaded in the last month. Me? I never cared for it. But apparently, OW really digs it if his Instagram account is anything to go by.”

No Catlady. You don’t do that. It’s not okay to triangulate. Because you’re not just fucking with your cheater’s head, you’re fucking with Aunt Mildred’s head. You’re involving innocent people who don’t need your drama or the details of his sex life. (Imagined or real.)

You’re not going to get the reaction you crave. “Tell me more! Were any goats harmed in the making of those videos?” or “Bob is a TERRIBLE person! I will never share a Christmas pudding with him again! He is DEAD to me!”

No. They’re going to think you are a despicable person for sharing such intimate details of his sex life with them. They’re going to feel mortified. Intruded upon. And sorry for your cheater. “Who is this horrible woman saying such terrible things?” You will not be an object of sympathy. You will be resented. TMI! There is NO artful way to discuss his porn addiction. NONE. To do so would be seen as spiteful, because it is spiteful. You said yourself — you want to fuck with his head.

Fuck with your own head. Ask yourself why you’re giving this douchebag, the OW, and his family so much mental real estate. Don’t you have Christmas shopping to do and 15,000 holidays details to attend to like the rest of us?

I understand the impulse for revenge, I really do. As I’ve written publicly, I had the most violent fantasies of gutting my cheater with a fish knife. Didn’t do it, of course. But I thought about it. Infidelity is an injustice and it can bring out the vigilante in a chump. HE MUST PAY! He must be humiliated the way I have been humiliated! He must suffer!

Look, being the shithead he is is punishment enough. Oh, I know it doesn’t feel that way, but get some years out from this crap. You’ll see how pathetic these people are. How undeserving they are of our thoughts. It’s embarrassing that we were ever associated with them. The best thing you can do for yourself is just get the hell away from this person, the OW, and his family. Go no contact and wrestle your revenge fantasies down to the ground.

Please don’t confuse my advice to not keep a cheater’s secrets (“Oh, we grew apart”) with permission to share every mortifying detail with everyone. Especially for spite. If people ask you why you broke up, absolutely tell the truth. “I couldn’t live with his girlfriend.” or “He was a serial cheater/sex addict.” That’s very different than Facebook blasting his friends’ list with the minutia of his illicit activities.

Be a class act. Be meh. Tell the people closest to you what happened, and be graphic with them if you must. Word will spread, I promise you. Meanwhile, get on with your life. Enjoy that you don’t share space — physically or mentally — with a cheater. Let the OW have his porn addiction. Keep your sanity, Catlady. And your dignity.

This post ran previously. (Obviously, it’s not the holiday season…) But feel free to comment!

Ask Chump Lady

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  • I have been told numerous times,”Living better is the best revenge”. The grass was never greener for the cheater. Living a cheater free life made everything brighter.

    • When non-friends/non-family people were just learning of the demise of our very long marriage, I would say that he went to a greener pasture. Just about everyone knew exactly was I was hinting about. And just about every response was something along the way of “it’s never greener over there.”

      Isn’t it always greener in the pasture because it is full of shit?

      • I like that comment tehe, the “grasss is greener in the other pastrue because it’s fulll of shit.

        Personally, I never had fantasies of “gutting” my cheater. IMO, it’s best to just let the OP have them. If I got to the point where I was fantasizing about murder, I would get help. Really why go to jail over a cheater.

    • I have always been of the opinion that the grass may be greener on the other side but that’s because that is where the septic system is…and cheaters are welcome to that.

  • As much as it hurt, the torture my heart felt, the not eating, the sobbing, the “how will I go on” BS, I’m so, so happy to have that cheater out of my life. I’m meh and it feels so good! No one really cares about the details of the breakup. They really don’t. They won’t care until it happens to them and you will be much wiser and able to lend a helping hand and listening ear. I think I can honestly say I have “forgiven” them. Maybe, most days. I feel this sadness when I think of them and what they did and what they continue to do as they involve my children in their mess. I wouldn’t want that type of life. I’m happy to be living free from all the web untangling and gonig NO CONTACT, unless when it involves the children and then it’s just “bidness”. They can have it. They are each other’s mess now!

    • A positive side to the notion that no one really cares about the details of the breakup is that, for the chump that “cares” what others might think and for chumps that feel a pressure to keep the family together, it can be refreshing to know that often others really don’t “care” that deeply. Most people have their own crap to deal with and are too busy.

      So while from many we might not get much in-depth sympathy about just how severely abusive our X was, we also don’t have to fear the “what will others think” as much either.

      Not that any of that matters. Us chumps know our story and know what we must do and how we must live and grow and be strong.

      • A wise person once told me a theory. When we are young we worry too much about what others think of us. When we get to middle age we decide that we no longer care that much what they think of us. Its only when we get to old age that we realise that, for the most part, they were not thinking of us anyway.

        • I never gave two shits what anyone thought of me. I still don’t. And I won’t ever forgive the betrayal. I don’t have too. Himself never asked for forgiveness and probably never will. What I will do at one point yet to be determined is just let it go. I can’t hate my ex. To hate one must put thought and effort into hating. He ain’t worth any more of my time. Just one day I will just let it go. Works for me.

          • I used to think I didn’t care what anyone else thought, but this process of deciding to end a marriage to a cheater made me admit that I did care. I did want others to know she was the “bad guy.” I didn’t want to be judged harshly in my community since I was a great father and provider.

            So yeah, some of my actions admittedly were PR and reputation control. Luckily, everyone I talked with supported me fully (I think they all realized my wife had been taking advantage of me even before the affair).

            But yeah, part of me did care, and I was happy to get the support and happy to know I had built up years of goodwill and my reputation survived intact.

            • I guess I struggle with this at times. My good name. I spent many years volunteering. You know the behind the scenes long hours out of the limelight stuff. It suits me 🙂 . In my children’s schools, coaching, fundraising, working with others in my communities. So when our divorce and later his scorched earth antics drove me away, I never really had an opportunity to address those who worked closely with us. We just vanished, my kids and I. Of course my ex still spins his narrative, even has articles in the paper written on how wonderful he is…. He’s a peace officer in a small community. I wonder what people believe. Yet I know the truth. I know I am better off away from him. Far away. You have to wonder at the lengths some of these disordered people will go to to eliminate someone from their life, to behave in such ways.

              • Yeah, I too am in a small community. I do think divorce is probably easier when living in a large city with the anonymity provided. Having lived in both, small towns bring a different community dimension to divorce and infidelity.

  • Well I must admit to fucking with my cheaters head. It’s only between us though and not in the way you all think. He thinks that I have no clue or evidence of what he’s been up to. For the most part I go along with it because I am “getting my ducks in a row”. So I play dumb and act like I believe his stories. Except I have these occasional “dreams” about him being someplace with other women, him buying specific gifts (which I found out from his phone backup), him coming back from trips early and not telling me. Him staying at hotels not even 25 miles from home. so freaky right? Does he really think I dream this shit up? Really? So is this undignified ? I don’t know but if it torments him a little I am gratified. Small payback for fucikng up my and my kids emotional health. Everyday I wish he could feel some emotional suffering for what he has done. He always defends other men by saying there are two sides to every story in a marriage gone bad. It is always the women’s fault. That’s his culture and family policy: Never own up to your mistakes. Never Admit Guilt. EVER.

    • That’s not fucking with his head. That’s laying low, gathering your evidence, and lining up ducks before you can bust your move. Big difference.

      For him to have emotional suffering, he’d have to have emotions for someone other than himself. (I’m sure he can be quite emotional about how hard done by he is.) Just get free and go as no contact as possible. Then you’ll begin to heal.

      • CL is right; you’re lining up ducks. The little bits of dream visions you’re letting him know about constitutes a minor mindfuck, but not a big one. Personally, I’d try to avoid giving into the temptation to indicate you know anything about his “secret” love life, as he’ll just get better at hiding it. If you live in a fault state–or if the family law in your area puts a penalty on the adulterous spouse–then the best thing to do is to collect the evidence in a way that’s admissible in a court.

        It’s fine to fantasize–goodness knows I’ve done so–but keep playing the long game. Remember, it’s not about taking the pawns, but about checkmate.

        Good luck!

    • “Everyday I wish he could feel some emotional suffering for what he has done.”

      There is a good chance this is not possible. He might eventually realize a small iota of your suffering, but only enough to last about five minutes before he’s back to his own suffering.

      I did the same thing as you and the laying low phased lasted way too long before I finally took action, and my evidence gathering phase lasted too long. I seemed to keep trying to prove to myself that “spouse does bad things” over and over.

      So be careful to not lay too low for too long. Follow the advice of your lawyer and your evidence.

      • In other words, I replaced my codependent relationship with my disordered spouse with a codependent relationship with the drama and trauma of her affair and the with the plans for divorce.

        Don’t replace one with the other, just get the divorce asap and move on.

        Invest in your self.

        • Thanks Buddy. I’m taking your observation and making it a mental exercise for myself.

          I pat myself on the back a lot dealing well with my situation, but your comment truly humbled me. My ex’s nonsense has turned into a pet peeve that I obsess over in my weaker moments, so angry at the injustice. That’s many hours of wasting my time and energy.

        • Buddy, that last post is brilliant. We can go from being in a codependent relationship with a disordered person (cheater, alcoholic) to being in a codependent relationship with the trauma and the drama. Which is to say, as I say below, stop looking outside yourself. And as you say “invest in your self.” Your Self.

      • Thanks Buddy, I needed to hear this. My laying low phase is still going on and it seems I can’t make that last move. I am working on lining up my ducks but I feel I am not putting my full force into it. I just had another blow of entanglement and marriage policing. Just one more proof that he really sucks, just one more. I need to be done with that and jump. How many more times do I need to confirm that he is a serial cheating ass that only cares about himself before I can get fierce?

        • You don’t need one more time. You have enough. Time to save yourself.

          • During this phase my counselor would ask “are you done playing CSI?”

          • Sch, at some point we torture ourselves with the disbelief and feel the need to gather more evidence. Believe him and all is actions.

        • Maybe we do this because we struggle to really internalize the human trash they ARE with who we thought they were. The husband you thought you had does not exist. He is not a basically good guy who did some bad things. He is a bad guy – period. No matter his image management, no matter if anyone else will believe it. They are VERY good at appearing to be something they are not. You don’t need more evidence, you have enough. And? You also need to come to terms with the fact that you’re probably only seeing the tip of the iceberg. And that’s ok. You will never know the entire scope of this, or the whole truth. You just won’t. You have to stop waiting for that. Jump. Save yourself. Only then can you begin the process of healing. But I promise you, it DOES get better. It does. I am 4 months out now from D Day, and 2 months physically separated from him, and these last couple of weeks, I have turned a corner that I never thought I’d see. Please – save yourself. You’re the only one that can save YOU, after all.

          • Yes TBC you have summed that up so well, I think that is exactly what it is. I thank you for putting that into words for me. I was a very slow learner in that whole mess. I will have to jump and trust. Somewhere in me there is that hunch that there will be a much calmer and healthier future ahead once I am moving it forward.

    • Eh, you are just getting your ducks in a row. I agree. Get a divorce. A cheater isn’t worth a loonie.

      My father left my mother after 40 years of marriage. He wasn’t cheating, but he said he was bored and felt old and irrelevant. That was mom’s fault of course. He really was giv’n her. The poor women died soon after. He told her she looked old and it made him feel old and young girls were attracted to him and he wanted to date them. I tried to tell him they were only after his money and mom loved him when he was poor and this other women would not even date him. But he left her and the whole family to go off and find happiness, according to him. He dated lots of young women but did not find happiness.

      He felt terrible when she died, but it was too late. She would not have taken him back, eh. Poor lady, she got old and dad wanted eye candy. Sad but he did live to regret it in the shitty greener pasturee. 🙂 Even when mom was old I thought she was eye candy. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

      • Mor…….what a sad sad story. The only uplifting part is the way you thought of your mom. 🙂

      • Great description of a narcissist–a person who feels old because he looks at someone else his age and so must discard her without thought of the consequences. These disordered people can’t see beauty in others because everyone is only a mirror in which they see themselves.

    • That’s his culture and family policy: Never own up to your mistakes. Never Admit Guilt. EVER.

      I am familiar with this policy!

      • In nearly 20 years of marriage, my STBX said “Sorry” – maybe 3 times. I shit you not. He would NEVER admit guilt or wrong doing over ANYTHING large or small. That always amazed me. Now I know why. Now I know he’s a narc. Pretty much right out of the text book!

  • Fucking with their head sounds like a great fantasy.

    The reality is that I don’t think an emotionally healthy person can do that without harming themselves. We have already proven we are not the same. Although is sounds like a very tempting and just idea, we aren’t wired that way. It would take an even MORE extreme set of situations, like anything else beyond what the cheater has already done involving my kids, for me to lash out on him physically or emotionally.

    I also don’t think they would “get it” due to their psychological fuckedupness.

    • I agree, ANC, it’s very hard. I pretended to be nice to my ex pre-divorce, after reading articles on how to manipulate a sociopath. It was terrifying on many levels, and the phrase “dancing with the devil” came to mind again and again. You start to question if you are as sick as they are.There is something so unhealthy about suppressing your true emotions, especially when they are anger and outrage.

  • Freedom from the cheater is key. You do not want them to be consuming your thoughts and time for the rest of your life. Too much is out there to enjoy! I personally think this is what real forgiveness means. You hand them over to God (or your Higher Power) instead of plotting your revenge. It frees up your mind and energies to do other things. But CL is right, this does NOT mean you lie and cover for their bad behavior. If asked, you can be direct like CL coaches here: “We’re not married because I will not tolerate her/his adulterous relationship in my marriage.”

  • A student told me he was angry over a conflict with a coach and was going to transfer to a rival school for “revenge.” What I said: “Why would you make him such a central part of your life that you would chose a school based on making him feel ‘sorry’? And why would you give two years of your life doing that? You aren’t showing him that you’re awesome. You’re showing him that he was right about you not being mature enough to be part of a team.”

    Many years ago, a professor supervising me and other student teachers made some decisions about placements and grades that put some of us (including me) at a terrible disadvantage in the competitive market for teaching positions. I was devastated. A few months later, she can to me (a student) for information she needed for a research project. My dad had some artifacts that would be helpful to her. He told me, “Now, here’s the difference between you and her. You help others when you can. She uses her power in destructive ways. Always take the high road.” We helped her and I have never once regretted it. Lesson learned. Cat Lady, focus on building your new, awesome life; love your family, friends and felines; and enjoy being alive.

    • Many years ago, a professor supervising me and other student teachers made some decisions about placements and grades that put some of us (including me) at a terrible disadvantage in the competitive market for teaching positions. I was devastated. A few months later, she can to me (a student) for information she needed for a research project. My dad had some artifacts that would be helpful to her. He told me, “Now, here’s the difference between you and her. You help others when you can. She uses her power in destructive ways. Always take the high road.” We helped her and I have never once regretted it. Lesson learned.

      LovedAJackass, I don’t see what lesson you learned other than it’s ok to be a Chump in other types of relationships –like work relationships– .

      Your facilitating her professional research — even in the face of HER disadvantaging you professionally — signals to her that she can do whatever the HELL she pleases and she still doesn’t have to face consequences. Great lesson that you taught her.

  • I think simply going about your business to rid yourself of them, create your new life, and get to “meh” makes the strongest possible statement. Most of them live for drama and many thrive on gamesmanship, conflict, and raising the stakes. Why involve yourself further in their screwed up minds and lives?

    I also think the majority of them hate it most of all when someone strongly sends the message by their actions: “I’m done with you, forever. You are meaningless to me.”

    • Well said and spot on Chumpguy. I rid myself of her drama, but unfortunately she has recently been using our kids to try and bring me back in… They simply can’t stand not being the center of a chumps world, even after the discard.

    • LAJ and Chumpguy, your words speak deeply to me. It has been awhile but I am still hurt and angry.
      Last year cheater XBF emailed asking for career advice, as he would like to get a job with my employer. I could have given info that would have been quite helpful. I also could have said certain things to certain people that would make it likely he would never get hired.
      I did neither; I ignored him because I figured that would hurt him the most. I still hope that’s true, which just shows how far I have to go to get to meh.

      • Crushed, I am so glad you did not engage with him, and your actions indicate you are probably closer to meh then you think. Not allowing your self to be hooked by him is half the battle.
        good for you.

        My XH actually applied for a job at my work 5 months before d’day, had he got the job he would have been my immediate supervisor and was really upset when he did not get it. what a nightmare that would have been with what unfolded. I am so glad that even though I couldn’t at the time others could see through him for who he really was.

  • I mindfuck with the expos and I have no qualm about it. Hes nearly destroyed my pyche with 15yrs of mindfuckery narcissistic bs. We’re 2000miles apart and there’s not a lot of stuff that I can do but I can do I do ie per court order Im to send him pictures of the children once a week. I send on Monday and I won’t send again until 13days later on s Sunday.technically I haven’t breached my court order as I’m still sending the pictures once a week. Two, the pictures I take are always against a wall. No great background of the house, surroundings. I hate to share the children’s happy memory’s im always taking pictures of with HIM. Those are my memory’s with the children. Three I never respond to any texts / emails unless its regarding court. Texts of how is the kids? Ignore…none of your business.

    • I’d call this living up to the court order and going as “no contact” as you can. Some day it will just be a routine.

  • “No one really cares about the details of the breakup. They really don’t. They won’t care until it happens to them”

    Yes, yes, yes.

    This reminds me of a comment my 16 yr old son came out with the other day. I was having a not so good day and mentioned that in order to avoid the topic of what my XH really did, a person I was speaking with ended our conversation by claiming that God heals and that my XH and his girl friend pray for me. She was very emphatic on this point. Being the mother of the new gf. When I mentioned this to my son he just shook his head and snorted stating ” mum you do realise that such comments are equal to rage quitting” he had to explain this to me. So apparently “rage quitting” is when you are playing a computer game and you are doing poorly instead of seeing it through knowing already it is not going to end well you end the game by terminating the play. “Rage quitting”
    This is just like people around us who no our story does not end well lit the
    People who know the truth but would rather ignor it or think they know the truth but would prefer not to know, who shut the faithful spouse down by making comments that make the chump question their own motive or imply guilt. Or provides a sense of doubt or assurance that cannot be proven or disproven.
    For a Jesus cheater the rage quit is easy but non Christians do it to.
    I am sure we have all had moments where someone has made a comment in such a way that has stopped us in our track because they just don’t want to go there because ultimately they just don’t care.

    Oh Catlady, stop wanting to fuck with his head because while the plans for this play out in your head it is fucking with yours. Journal, right it in sand, carve it in stone do what ever you have to to get that drive to pay him back out of you head. But don’t go there you are better than that.

    • Your son is awesome. I am adding the concept of “rage quit” into my thinking. It will help me a lot as a teacher.

      It also seems to me that “rage quit” applies to many of the cheater I read about here, who, once they are caught, fly into a rage and then abandon the chump and all responsibilities, including for the family unit. Jackass, that’s you I’m talking about. Got busted, went nuts, shifted the blame and then said “I quit!”

  • Good quote….. I stopped saying to people’ have a nice day.’ I chose to let karma sort that shit out.

  • I am FINALLY moving out in June..thank goodness!! At first I told the ugly details of my Stbxh serial cheating and all it did was give was people a good story to chew on. A real life made for TV drama in their otherwise perfect lives. They could go home and be normal while my life spiraled out of control.

    Now I simply say “We are getting a divorce”…wait for the shock because everyone saw us as the perfect intact family. Right?!? Me too!! Then I usually follow it up with “Yeah, you can’t really have a girlfriend and a wife”. This is enough. No more explanation is needed. People get it and they feel sorry for you.

    I feel bad that I did shared too much not for Stbxh but for my kids. They are going to go through hell with us splitting up and moving. What if their friends hear from their friends parents the ugly details of what happened? Too late now. I just need to forge on and forgive myself for that. I also need to realize that I should NEVER had to be put in this position in the first place!!

    These will be the hardest times and I can’t wait for my life to see more “normal” again…whatever that means…lol!!

    • Leolion, I also just simply state, “I didn’t like his girlfriend” when the unknowing ask about my circumstances. I’ve found that people chuckle a little bit so it’s not too overwhelming for them to take in. It works perfectly and is straight to the point. Oh, it’s also the truth.

      • I did the same. I said I was filing, and then indicated that I didn’t care much for his girlfriend. One of my lesbian friends asked me if it would have made a difference if I had liked his girlfriend! 😀

        We both laughed.

        I filed once I had my ducks lined up. I haven’t looked back, and am looking forward to a cheater-free life.

    • Leolion, don’t get too caught up worrying about your kids, the best thing about kids is if you are honest with them they are resilient, they will definitely need guidance and a soft place to fall but they will be ok.

      My XH’s preferences were know by my sons class mates before I knew. My son (14 at the time) had been keeping the secret for some years before he came to me with it and I think he only did so because he could no longer cope with the devastation his fathers lies were creating, and thankfully a friend of his encouraged him to talk to me. I sensed there was a big issues in my marriage I never in my wildest dreams considered it would be as big as it was.

      In reality I believe my kids knowing the truth is a good thing, My XH would shit bricks if he knew that our daughters know the truth, he happily lives in denial on many levels. But by being honest with them ensures they will never be blindsided and they have the right to openly talk about what matters to them. Bearing in mind to the age sensitive all of my kids understand that what ended the marriage of their parents has nothing to do with them especially my son.

    • I’m so glad you are “forgiving yourself” – I think we need to treat ourselves gently during this awful, awful ordeal. I make “mistakes” all the time in my new life, separated from STBX, and you know what – I’ve decided that’s ok. I’m dealing with a lot of shit along with a terminal illness. We all are dealing with a lot of shit due to being thrown into a club we never wanted to be a part of – and we just cannot expect ourselves to be perfect. There are all kinds of ways to make the “wrong” choices, and I’m trying to give myself the understanding and unconditional love I would give to a dear friend. I just keep repeating – “I’m doing the best I can right now.”

  • I’ve done lots of things since D-day I wish I had done differently. But one thing I am SO GLAD I didn’t do is try and get revenge. Not once did I try to contact the OW or her family, or try and smear his reputation to his family and friends. He doesn’t need any help from me doing that. I feel like any attempt to reach out to OW would just make me look crazy, bitter and jealous. I feel like I’ve maintained my position as a better person than her and there’s nothing she could use against me to say otherwise. I like to think that she actually feels like she did a shitty thing to a great person. Although I don’t really care – I KNOW I’m a better person and that’s enough for me. Making it about her or them would have really retarded my healing and moving forward. And would have made him feel more important than he should.

    • I agree, NoMoreDancing. I stumbled across some damning info on my ex’s old laptop. Spent lots of pleasurable hours thinking of things I could do with it, but it was almost as gratifying to know that I chose not to use it. Showed the info to my kids who also agreed that my energy would be better put into creating my own life instead of trying to get back at him. It did answer a lot of questions the kids and I had, and provided us some closure. I’ve never been sorry for not acting on my impulses. That’s what makes me different from a cheater.

    • This is how I feel as well. Although my ex denies it and tries to blame ME for our marriage’s demise, I know the reality. I am a better person than he is. I always was and I always will be. As for the OW, she is nothing but trash, there is no question I am a better person than she is.

  • When I realized there was another woman I went to my GP for STD tests. When the results came back fine, I seriously considered saying to him, “You and your whore better get over to Planned Parenthood to deal with the shit you gave me” just to fuck with them.

    But I didn’t.

    There’s so much I’d like to say to try to hurt him or humiliate him, but I know the result would not be what I would like. I like to think I’m better than him and that’s why I am not sinking to his level. I hate that he probably interprets that as me being more of a chump because he’s such a great guy.

    Oh well.

    • ML – If I had thought of that, I think I would have done it : )

    • Moving Liquid, I also thought of saying the same thing, but my AIDS test and full panel STI test came back negative (thank God). If I would have said something along the lines of “you gave me an STI” it only would have made it look like I was cheating on him. For a while I secretly hoped that he had given me something that would be super curable because then I could throw it in his face that his whore gave him an STI. But, even if she hypothetically did, it would have made NO DIFFERENCE to him anyway. He was already convinced that he found his soul mate, ha!

    • ML. you know how they are. He could skinning puppies with Cruella de Ville and still think he’s a great guy because that is all he’s got–his own view of himself. You, on the other hand, are building an awesome, happy life.

      • My cheater did not want any contact at all. Not even with the rugrats. So that may not work out well with all cheaters, eh. It’s want the cheater wanted, in my case.

        Well, I am heading out for some timbits and a double double.

    • Oh, absolutely. Because there will come a day when the cheater is out of kibbles and thinks of you—but you are far out of reach. I thank God every day that I blocked him on FB and he has no way of knowing what’s going on in my life.

    • Worked and still working like crazy for me, CJ. More than two years after the divorce, cheater ex (now married to final OW) is still trying to engage me. Nope, still NC and now feeling creeped out by the continued attempts to engage me. Disordered much?

  • I’m really glad that Chump Lady makes the distinction between Keeping Their Secrets and Getting Revenge. The RIC certainly doesn’t. You are supposed to go to your grave with out telling that anyone is a cheater.

    What happens is that you the up looking like you are crazy. You also become a liar yourself, even with good intentions. I actually told one to my own daughter last night. She is in a girl organization and they have not had a meeting since February. This is due to the group leader quitting after her husband committed adultery and deserted the family. My daughter asked why they no longer meet and I said “I don’t know.”. It’s just sad how many ripple effects cheaters cause. And that there is not enough support for chumps and their families.

    • You might say to her, even now, that you decided she was old enough to understand that the leader is going through a hard time because her husband left the family and they are all hurting because of it. And maybe that the leader needed more time to be there for her kids. You can tell her that she shouldn’t share that information because it will cause the woman and her kids more pain. It’s never to early to tell age-appropriate truth and to teach kids empathy and compassion. Just a thought.

      • Thank you, LAJ. I think I will address it with her again. Your suggestions are very good. Last night, her question was out of the blue and I wasn’t prepared for it at all. Now I will be. She’s a very kind child so I know she won’t say anything to anyone.

        • And it’s a little earshot to her about how hard abandonment is, in case she has those feelings but has a hard time bringing them up. So maybe be prepared for her to go in that direction.

          • Yes, LAJ, and one thing difficult as well in this situation is that she knows the guy who deserted the family and thinks he is a great guy. That disconnect is hard for adults even. When the monster looks and acts like a monster is one thing. When it looks and acts like a sweet, funny devoted husband and father that is a whole nother story.

            • My mother used to say, when someone did something bad, that the person might be nice to me “but he/she is not nice to everybody and doesn’t always do the right thing.” I feel for your daughter–she’s getting a sad education in bad adult behavior.

              • This imo is one element of the cheater persona that effects the chump the most. The nice guy facade. It is what triggers in others a sense of protection of the cheater, why they cant cope with the faithful spouse because the things they are hearing do not align with what they know or believe of the cheater. I think we could all ad to the list of ideologies we have heard from others justify why they cannot accept what is being said about our eX’s or why our marriages are over.

                These days if a guy comes across to me as being the ‘nice guy’ the thought in the back of my mind will be, who is paying the price for this routine?

    • I think people who abandon their children should be forced by the court to stand naked in the middle of the biggest intersection holding a sign that says, “I abandoned my kid” regardless of the weather, and that includes tornadoes……for days….getting time to use a bathroom only.

  • I fucked with the cheater XBF’s head in the only way that I knew would effect him—–by pressing his insane jealousy button.

    We had been broken up for approximately a year and on my birthday, out of the blue (we’d had no contact) he sent me a nasty “Happy Birthday, witch” text. Of course it pissed me off but I ignored it. He then sent another inflammatory text.

    I was already having a lousy day, it was my bday and I was spending it alone…..I didn’t have anyone to acknowledge it was my birthday, much less even know it was my birthday–other than him. I was deeply hurt by his words
    because he had never presented himself in such a way.

    The only thing I could think to do to ‘defend myself’ was to send a text back to him pretending I had a man with me. A man who took umbridge at my receiving shitty texts. XBF had been aware that I had dated an Australian fellow following our break up so I pretended I was ‘gallant Gary’ responding to his text. I remember my words:

    “Look, mate–leave her alone. I know she’s hard to forget but be a gentleman and don’t bother her again. It’s her birthday, let her enjoy it”

    XBF went ballistic thinking that there was a man in my presence. Imagine that. For the next 2 hours or so he sent insulting texts, all of which were ignored.

    Granted, I was enjoying knowing how deeply I had gotten under his skin but I’d finally had enough. I crafted one more message courtesy of “Gary”:

    “Thank you for being such a donkey. If you hadn’t been, I would never have had the opportunity to meet and have this wonderful woman in my life. Now PISS OFF”

    That put an end to the bullshit.

    So, in essence, he contacted me to fuck with MY head but I turned it right around on him—-it blew up in his face like a cheap cigar.

    I didn’t hear from him for about 6 months. My house phone rang around midnight and awakened in a panic, I answered not realizing it was him. I tolerated a few pleasantries and then he inquired “Could I ask you a question? Are you married?” “Married? No, but I might be someday….” and then I hung up on him.

    • That is hysterical, he’s at the curb. They do get insanely jealous for some odd reason, lol.

      • Not Juliet—thanks, I’m pretty proud of that little story 🙂

        • That was a great idea Hesatthecurb. What a wonderful way to turn the tables on him. I commend you for thinking so quickly.

      • My cheater was not jealous at all. Glad yours was. Lots of people want what they can not have, until they get it, eh.. So it’s grand that you told him to piss off.

    • I don’t think it counts if he does it first! That’s awesome! 😉

    • I LOVE THIS! Good for you. He sucks, and he deserved every bit of it!

  • Why try to mess with his head, when it appears there’s not much to work with anyway?

    Seriously, I was in print media for over 30 years, and what I learned time and time again, is that the truth eventually rises to the surface on it’s own accord (well, maybe with a little help from investigators). It may take months, or even years, but it will happen. What goes around really does come around. I’ve never, and I mean never, seen it fail.

    I had the hard evidence to ruin my ex’s outwardly sterling reputation – all downloaded or copied, and tucked discreetly into a briefcase and on flash drives – just in case I needed to play some substantial hardball during the divorce. In those dark days I envisioned creating a special photo “slide show” to debut in a surprise viewing for his closest friends (who have never known about his secret life), and other members of the church. My trigger finger was getting mighty twitchy at times, but I’m so glad I took the high road and (outwardly) conducted myself with grace and decorum. I don’t regret my decision regarding that.

    Okay, I’m a goofball and love puns, so I’m about to modify the lyrics to a classic Beatles song. It plays in my head like an ear worm: “When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Meh-ry comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: let it be.”

    • It has also been my experience that the truth ultimately prevails. I’m not sure why, but time and again, I have had a front row seat to witness this fact.

      • Thank you for the compliment kim! Violet, My opinion regarding “Truth Emergence” is that most folks-behaving-badly don’t have the mental chops to cover their tracks well. Ex-hubby knew before we married that I had graduated from college (in the early 90’s) with most of my coursework in Information Technology. It’s right there on the diploma. It wasn’t too hard to access and download the contents of his “hidden” computer trolling (and his iphone too – as he would plug it in to sync with the computer). For him, Craigslist Casual Encounters was a perennial favorite.

      • Boudica Reborn – thanks for that…you have just put the Meh..ry into Mary.

  • I lost my dignity big time. In addition to all of the injustice, projection, obfuscating, and gas lighting, I was left to clean up HIS mess while he was vacationing, wining and dining, and secretly living with his whore. I stumbled across a porn DVD hidden in the closet aptly entitled: “Addicted to Porn”. I snapped a pic of that and texted his disgusting and enmeshing mom with the words: “…because running isn’t his only hobby.” Yeah, no response on that one. I’m sure I looked insane. Low moment in my life? Not my proudest moment, for sure. When I look back to those days, I’m sure I was a bit crazy though. MLC XH was destroying my life, so a bit hard to keep one’s dignity. As for his horrendous mom, don’t worry too much about her. She was busy telling everyone that would listen that she called my house and a man answered the phone. Yeah, that never happened.

    2 years away from crazy is a blessing.

    • I did too, Cindy. I made the mistake of texting my XMIL a few weeks after d-day. I was furious at XH for threatening me with divorce when I was still barely functioning. I told her that her son was threatening me and called him an SOB. BIG MISTAKE! The message was like a gift to the XH who kept attacking me (still does) for “attacking his mother.” These people will use whatever ammunition you give them to make your life crazy. They will use it to bring you down to their level – – now, XH’s mind, I am just as bad as him! Be the bigger person; no contact is the only way to go. In fact, no contact or minimal contact with the cheater’s whole family if they are taking his/her side.

      • I agree Lizzy. All it did was give him a “coat on a hanger”. “See why I had to leave her? She’s a crazy bitch.” I also went off on them all when they welcomed the whore into their home 3 weeks after our 70 day divorce. (For years, they would proclaim that I was their “daughter”). No contact is healthy for faithful partner. No need to give a cheater or their family ammo. They will cause their own demise in the end.

        2 years out and I don’t miss any of his family, with the exception of his brother, sister in law, and niece. The whore, who is now engaged to XH, can be their new “daughter”. Entitled to all the rights and benefits that go with it…

        • In my personal opinion, getting away from the Loon In Laws is just about as good as getting away from the cheater themself. The cheaters are usually a product of their environment, and that mostly falls on the parents.

          • Its weird with the XILs. XFIL left XMIL when XH was 5. Gone for a while – I could never get the specifics from XMIL. They divorced and remarried each other sometime later. XMIL was preggers with XBIL during this time, but I’m not sure when he was conceived in relation to their divorce.

            My therapist told me that probably during the split, XMIL started to enmesh XH. He, at the age of 5 was her spouse. There was an “emotional incest” that continued throughout their relationship. XH would allow his mother to treat me horribly (example, told me to fuck off on Christmas – XH, said nothing).

            So, yes, not Juliet, I do agree with you. It’s best to put that crazy behind you. Make room for new people and family that are healthy.

      • I agree wholeheartedly on the no contact with the family if they have taken his side. It hurt – a lot – when the first of his sisters (also a cheater) unfriended me on Facebook without so much as a word after he told them MANY lies about the split and about me. So – I went scorched earth and unfriended and blocked ALL the remaining family members. I felt I had to do it to protect myself. They don’t get to see my life. They don’t get to feed him information. They, unfortunately, are dead to me. My MIL commented to my SIL (who is my best friend – married to one of his brothers – knew her long before I even married him 20 yrs. ago) that she (MIL) wanted to contact me, because I had been her DIL for 20 years, blah blah blah. That was about 6 weeks ago. I have heard NOTHING. If that woman dares to call me after the divorce is final, I won’t waste my breath saying anything about her son. What I WILL do is inform her that I don’t speak to people who treat me the way she has. She doesn’t get to play it both ways and sleep well at night. I’m terminally ill, for God’s sake. I could be dead for all she knows. They are all disgusting.

  • I was put under tremendous amounts of pressure by my mother to drive an hour and a half to my in-laws to reveal that my XH was having sex with rent boys for years. (She of course lived 1000s of miles away so was not in the way of any cross fire!) I am so grateful that I resisted. Even though I have spent 17 years as part of my in -laws family, in a country where I have no other family, they have not made any effort to contact me since I separated from my XH (for 2 1/2 years). No Christmas card, no phone call, no email. I have subsequently heard they are feeling sorry for my XH as he is gay, in a straight marriage – poor sausage – somehow that really must be my fault – or homosexuality just came upon him like a lightening bolt when he turned 45. Families justify horrific behaviour just as much as the cheater and they do not want to face the chump. We are never going to hear what we want to hear from them, nor is there going to be any kind of sympathy. Blood is thicker than water.

    What can I possibly gain from contacting them? People can put a lot of pressure on you to do the wrong thing. Stick with your gut on what is the right thing to do.

    • Oh Free, hugs to you. My XH went straight back into the closet after I found out, and his mother now stands guard at the door. They are both so determined to deny who he really is that they excuse his extra marital activity on the opinion that I was such a bad wife. As soon as he could he got himself a GF with kids and continued the charade and XMIL could not be any less supportive of the new relationship.

      My XMIL could not even bring herself to check on me when our youngest was diagnosed with leukemia knowing I had no other family. Yep cheaters who suck don’t fall far from the tree of sucky parenting.

  • I say don’t do it and you will still be fucking with his head and the OW’s head. A narc hates to be ignored, it kills them! Then the OW has got to have brains enough to wonder why you “gave them up” so quickly. It will just make her question herself as to whether or not she is truly getting a prize! Just put her & him out like yesterday’s garbage and let them worry about what that really means in their own little pea brains!

  • Totally agree with Chumplady’s response. In the heat of the moment, this type of revenge sounds like a great idea. But the truth is it will backfire and set you back in your progress toward meh. Life isn’t like the movies. You’re not going to triumph by revealing his dirty little secrets to the public or his family. You will only make yourself out to be angry and obsessed with your ex.

    I’m a fan of long-form revenge, which looks like this: Chump moves forward with his/her life without the cheater. Chump no longer gives any thought to cheater or OW/OM. Chump realizes that he/she is much better off without those negative people taking up any mental bandwidth. When asked about cheater, Chump responds with “I don’t really think about him or her much. Life is good,” and means it.

    You come off better in the long run if you maintain your dignity. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it pays dividends in the end. Fake it ’til you make it.

  • I never did anything to mess with Crapweasel’s head….it’s messed up all on its own. I figure, being that kind of narcissist must be hell, eventually. (My therapist tells me they don’t age well. She’s a good person 🙂 )

    But I did get an info-bomerang about myself yesterday that’s worth sharing….. I learned I have moved to Florida ! (I’ve lived in a 20 mile radius in eastern MA for more than 40 years, with episodic years in other places.)

    What I find screamingly funny about this is, I’ve never even BEEN to Florida….

    I can’t even begin to untangle that one, nor am I going to bother!

  • I sympathize with Catlady. But CL is right.

    I didn’t have the emotional capacity to consider f***ing with my wife’s head while the affair was ongoing. I was too hurt. Even when I initiated the divorce, I didn’t consider messing with her.

    Look, divorce is long-term. It’s a decision for the rest of your life (just like marriage is supposed to be, unless you marry a loser). The purpose of my divorce was to get this hurtful, selfish person out of my life, ASAP, so I could have decades of happiness without her.

    So, as much as I wanted to slut-shame her, further expose her affair, or take more than my “fair” share of the $$…I had to keep thinking long-term. Those minor victories would just keep this person in my life longer than I wanted, or backfiring in ways I hadn’t considered.

    I put on blinders and maintained tunnel vision. The goals were (1) finalizing a legally equitable divorce (I’d accepted that already lost the emotional battle), and (2) extricating my wife from my life. That’s all that mattered. All interactions with, and related to, my wife had those two priorities. All other considerations were secondary.

    This is not to say I didn’t have fantasies. I had plenty of devious thoughts in the past two years. I could have made my ex’s life much more difficult. She runs her life by juggling a bunch of balls (I pun!) in the air. She’s quite good at it, because few people know her well enough to understand how much she uses charm, minor BS , and quasi-rule-breaking to get what she wants. It would have been very easy for me to make her life difficult.

    But I never did anything. I would let a few days pass, and I would require that any decision related to my ex-wife had to be made after a full night’s sleep and a cup of coffee. (I think most clearly and rationally in the morning.)

    Maintaining that rule has served me well. It has allowed me to stay No Contact for a year now, and it’s kept me afloat during the rough patches when I oh-so-much wanted to complicate her life.

    Most importantly, that rule has allowed be to refocus my energy back toward me and what I want. Let her world collapse (again and again) in its own time. Given the way she operates, it will. It’s a waste of time to even think about her. My time is better spent doing anything else.

    • Nice job of maintaining your sanity during an insane time. I like your phrase “quasi-rule-breaking” – never enough of a violation to get caught, but always playing at the edges.

    • “Those minor victories would just keep this person in my life longer than I wanted, or backfiring in ways I hadn’t considered.”


  • I am sure we all dream of the revenge factor and what a wonderful outcome would appear! Truth is it will not affect them in the way it would us. My plan is to get my last child out of house (which is soon) and lay the bomb of Divorce on her. Then go no contact which is very limited anyway. Best revenge is to get away and ignore the beast….. !

  • Im divorcing finally after 31 years of his CRAP (everything you can imagine). We still live in the same house, separated of course. I have reduced him to a small guest room, clothing in another room, guest bathroom. He is scattered, just like his brain. There are days though when I simply enjoy fucking with his head. He still is NOT honest about even the simplest details of his life. To live a double life though all these years has left him so disordered and so I mess with “both” personalities just to get a good laugh.

    My mind, heart and soul have been so destroyed that I just want him to share in these feelings with me before I make my final exit from this toxic, narc. He thinks I will be missing out on him by leaving. LMAO I hope that when its over and he is truly done from my sight, I will have better control over my antics. For now Im being entertained. AND I had a very dear relationship with his parents, both alive 85 years old. Its been about a year since they have spoken to me. I see no point telling them anything, it wouldn’t matter anyway. But I don’t mind sharing with anyone else that asks about our divorce. He hid behind me and silenced me for 29 years. Now the kids know, friends know, I feel a huge load is off of me.

  • I’m so glad I’ve read all the comments here. I was prepared to show the texts and emails to my guys married lover of 2 1/2 years. I discovered it 6 mos ago and am only now preparing to leave. He has had other dalliances where he works, but I’m not absolutely sure if sex has occurred. He can have at it all. I must admit I want so badly to expose her…2 1/2 years is a very long time. But I now understand I have so much repair work to do on my own head I can’t waste my time in theirs……..

    • The only reason to say anything is if you know for sure they are in an affair of one kind or another and her husband ought to know. I didn’t have texts and emails but I KNEW and that was good enough for me–but not good enough to tell her husband and put her kids at further risk. That’s the only reason to tell the spouse–so that person can protect himself or herself and the kids, if there are any.

  • For the life of me, I can’t imagine even wanting to talk to my ex’s family about anything let alone my ex.

    To me, this sounds like keeping yourself shackled to the whole nasty business in some sort of strange abusive cycle.

    You know how often I think about my ex? Almost never. Just here 99.99997% of the time. And that’s because the topics usually discussed prompt some reflection sometimes, and to be honest… I vaguely remember pouring over intricate details of the crazy back when it was all fresh trauma, but… I would have a hard time relating any detail now because, honestly, it has zero relevance to what I am doing now.

    I think that’s what “Tuesday” is 😉 I admit, not having shared custody of kids and things like that probably made it a whole lot easier for me than for a great many people who have to interact with their former spouses, so I am not tossing stones or implying I am “better” than anybody else.

    I’m just trying to dangle that carrot of freedom because freedom from the whole twisted world of being married to a cheater is doggone awesome. And it starts one day and one new routine at a time, and then one day you just realize that you haven’t wondered or even cared what’s up with whatshername or whatshisname, and you’re glad they aren’t around stirring up drama all the time.

  • It seems to me that this topic is related to the discussion we had about Lindsay Vonn and why she would have taken up with Mr. Cheater Golfpants. Beautiful, successful, talented people are not immune to a lack of healthy respect of and love for themselves as simply people. Many successful people chase medals, awards and recognition (and good grades, let me tell you) because they feel emptiness inside or because they were raised to achieve in order to bring glory to the family, school, town. (And some of these people are no doubt leaning toward the bad end of the narcissism spectrum; see for example, presidential candidates.) So a relationship with someone equally successful (and a good love bomber) seems to fill that space where a healthy Self love should be. It’s no doubt far more complicated than I can sketch here, but I’m saying that attractive, smart, decent people can have lots of unmet emotional needs and do not know how to fill them except to escape them by looking outward.

    How that connects to Catlady’s question is that rather than addressing her own pain, those huge post-betrayal emotions, and her own growth, she is still looking to her XH to help her resolve her anger, her pain, and the empty spaces that become gaping chasms when we are betrayed. One of CL’s rejection letters talked about her advice being intuitive. That might be so, if we were living in a social vacuum or a culture that encouraged emotional and spiritual development. Everything in our culture encourages us to look outside to fix our emotions, to food and sex and sports and spending money and accumulating high-status stuff. Or to other people, not as true partners but as a way to fill the holes and distract ourselves from the pain by looking for “happily ever after,” or even worse, ” barely tolerable ever after.” Even religion, supposedly based on looking inward for spiritual development, can reinforce this idea that we must please others by following church doctrine even in abusive situations (I am a Catholic, go figure why I know this).

    So revenge isn’t the answer. Rebounding into another relationship isn’t the answer. Stuff and food and taking up Buddhism isn’t the answer. Catlady is angry and hurt. The only way out is to feel all that crappy stuff and keep moving through it toward a life based on a strong set of inner values and principles, including “love thy neighbor AS THY SELF.” We have to care about ourselves in the right way, and learn how to feel and manage feelings, and then we are in a position where Mr. Cheater Golfpants will not look attractive to us in the first place. In fact, he will run in the opposite direction, because a strong, healthy person with no ego kibbles to give him is the last thing a cheater wants. I guess right now I am thinking about this stuff all the time as I get deeper into my own rebuilding process and marvel at how happy I can be alone, without a partner. Hooray, at 63 I might be starting to get it.

    • Wonderful post. I was one of those who chased grades. I’ve been at a loss trying to figure out who I am in the last 13 years, but in fairness I only realized the actual problem and it’s depths within the last 9 months.

      I appreciate your comments as it seems we’re in a similar place in our self-discovery and fight against codependency (I know how many feel about the term, but it describes me too well to ignore, and you’ve mentioned it in regards to yourself). Simply put, thank you for your posts.

      • You’re welcome. It’s good to know that others are wrestling with the same things. That term “codependency” can be sadly overworked, but for me it stands for all the ways that I tried to be happy and live a life through pleasing or fixing other people or finding some need they have and filling it…the whole drill. I bounced from relationship to relationship until I finally found someone with not a shred of empathy and hit my rock bottom. Nowhere to go but up, and I won’t continue those old patterns because I don’t ever want to be in that place again.

    • LovedAJackass,

      “attractive, smart, decent people can have lots of unmet emotional needs and do not know how to fill them except to escape them by looking outward.” This is my cheater ex to a tee. He was a decent person for many, many years. Upon discovery of OWhore, I was told that all I do is look to the past (WTF??) & that he was moving forward to the happiness he deserved. His nasty-gram emails were always about how I should move on because he had. I’m still shocked about how adamant he was about his perceived entitlement.

  • Once we get it through our chump brains that Cheaters actually ENJOY hurting us, then anything we do (like revenge) to provide attention of any kind to their little show…is givng them what they want.

    Simply walking away, moving on, living well….annoys the shit of of them.

    It would be a shame if, in response to your porn “outing” of your ex, that people just said something like “to each his own”. Don’t risk making yourself feel foolish, it will just add to the humiliation and anger you have already experienced. Turn your energy toward positive things in your head.

    We all need to fantasize about revenge, but truthfull it ain’t worth the risk. No gain to be had.

  • I totally understand the way Catlady feels. For me, the POS is ever too happy to never hear from me again. He wanted out, was a coward to say so, and instead continued lying and cheating till I did my legwork and found out. He didn’t care how I would find out, as long as he didn’t have to come clean himself. COWARD!
    So I feel like, in essence, he got want he wanted without breaking a sweat and came out on the other side, happy as can be.
    To have to hold all this in and not sing and shout it out to the world is like destruction to me all over again. He got his way and I got shit on and keeping his lust filled bullshit to myself. Why can’t he be humiliated and destroyed too! Really pisses me off that I have to keep quiet just because I’ll look vengeful. Guess what? I AM!! He destroyed my life……..WHY CANT HE HAVE A TURN?!!!
    Yes everyone, IHaveHate…….still.

    • I have hate too some days. Mostly when my children have something to do with him. (Teenagers) His lies and play acting like a perfect Dad just push me over the edge sometimes. I want him to pay for destroying our family and pay big….but then lately there are days when I’m just too busy getting on with my life that I don’t think about anything related to him except gratefulness that I no longer have to see or talk to him. That lets me know that I’m getting to meh and I pray you get there too. I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with feeling hate. We just can’t stay there or we will destroy ourselves.

      • Sketchyokgirl….thank you for your kind words. I agree; I can’t stay there. I won’t, it’s just taking longer than expected to shake it.

  • I have been relatively classy about everything, but one thing I struggle with is the oversharing. I feel am, ridiculous need to justify myself to people. When my husband left, I My kids were 4 months and almost 2. We got a temporary order where ex was supposed to pay the bills but of course he did not follow through. I found myself telling the whole crazy story to bill collectors. I have always paid my bills, and it has been hard on me to not be able to. Now the divorce is final, I am trying to get a good job. My ex’s child support just barely covers the cost of daycare, so until I can get a good job. I am waiting tables on the days he has the kids. I applied for assistance, which I feel a little ashamed about (I know that I should not. I do not judge others who need the help so I why I judge myself so harshly I do not know) Anyway, while waiting in line to get help, who do I see but MOW herself. I had a panic attack as she approached me. She spoke to kids I did not say anything. After she left, someone asked if I was ok. And I said out loud, “That woman who just left is the woman who had an affair with my husband.” I cannot believe I said it like that for everyone to hear. But it was just too much to run into her there. I was angry and embarrassed. Oh well, I guess I will have to work on my restraint for next time. And side note, I can’t believe ex is making good money and has 2 families both on assistance.

    • I wouldn’t sweat the over-sharing. I think that’s normal in the beginning. At least I hope it’s normal because I remember telling a coworker, a grocery store clerk, and the guy at Verizon when I was trying to get my ex’s phone off my bill.

      That’s all I am gong to admit to because I am not interested in trying to remember more 😉

      • Thanks. I think now is the time to rein myself in. I hope there will come a day when I won’t remember either.

        • I also over shared in the beginning…anyone who would listen…cable company rep, banker, realtor, co-workers, the cub scout den leader, other moms at the baseball field, etc. Only a few cared, but I had to get it out of my system. Then, I was done. I think it really messed with him because he thinks everyone in the community knows, but I was pretty selective with telling those in our community. I felt the need to protect my child from what I saw as a stigma with having a cheater for a father. I know shame is a bad word these days, and should be in some cases, but I think it’s appropriate to be ashamed of certain behaviors, like cheating.

          I don’t keep his secrets these days, but I don’t verbally vomit all over anyone who would listen anymore. It takes time. Be kind to yourself.

          • Actually, I think they like it less when they don’t know who knows, or what they know. Most people will supply the details in their heads anyway.

    • Part of the process IS over-sharing, Middle of the Ride. I told everyone including some random real estate broker that I only spoke with on the phone. Imagine my shock when she was so very kind to me and relayed that the same exact thing had happened to her when she was right around my age. In fact, like a week later she called me back just to see how I was doing. It will get easier and I promise you that with time you will be able to stick to only the facts. As I said earlier, nowadays I use the single sentence that encompasses it all – “I didn’t like my husbands girlfriend”.

    • Over sharing is totally normal and speaking your truth is NOT revenge. That’s not what I was responding to in the letter. If you sent his sext messages to his grandmother? THAT would be revenge, not over-sharing.

      I hope you get support off the jerk. I hope you’re pressing hard on your state child support enforcement agency. There is absolutely NO shame in getting assistance. That’s what it’s for. I took state legal aid when I got PFAs on my ex. These sorts of services are why we pay taxes. What IS shameful, is abandoning your family and not paying support. That guy is a motherfucker.

      • Years ago, I was a caseworker and it was sad but gratifying to help people who with kids who had been abandoned start to figure out what to do. I was but a kid myself, really, but it was the beginning of my education about life. It was an eye opener to me that people could walk out on a spouse and kids. One woman had a teenager who had bee hit by a car and brain damaged and 2 other kids. The kids’ dad had disappeared years ago but she fought back, built a life, and remarried. But the kid’s brain damage upset the apple cart and that guy walked, too. And the insurance company was stalling and delaying. She waited so long that all the utilities were off and there was no food in the house. She was so overwhelmed but I could think of all sorts of possibilities for tracking down XH#1 to see if he was still alive and go for support or dead and go for Social Security. Never, ever, feel bad about needing help, and I pray that all those in true need will find someone who understands that it is possible for people to be unable to work for any number of reasons (in this case, brain damaged, violent teenager ) and desperate to find a path forward. I still think of that woman and hope she got her life turned around.

        And I’d say that MOW has some nerve approaching your kids in that situation. But then, you knew that about her already. You will make it through this rough time. But she will still be “mean,” as Taylor Swift would say.

      • Thank you guys so much for the replies. CL, I do see the distinction between my oversharing and if I had done something nuts like forwarding sexts to his grandmother. No, I have not done anything like that out of spite. I did, however, tell his grandmother that I would not be able to talk to her for a while after he left. We were extremely close and before he left she called me everyday. The one time she called since he left, she was crying and trying to make sense of it all and looking to me for comfort. It was like she was asking me to give her an explanation as to what I did to make him leave his family. She made a vague reference to me having postpartum depression (which I did not have but which if I had had would not have been a good excuse for him leaving. I would like to point out). I finally just blurted out “He has another woman, Granny.” She said asked, “Didn’t I think she would know something like that.” I told her that I did not think ex would tell her until the divorce was final. Then I told her that I loved her and if she called me I would answer, but everything still hurt too much for me to call her. I told her that I did not want to say anything about ex that would hurt her because I knew she loved him. Unfortunately, I had nothing good to say in the moment. That was the last time I heard from her or any of his family. I gather from my two year old that MOW has been made a part of the family. It still stings b/c I really thought that my in laws loved me especially Granny. But luckily I have some really good support from my parents and a select few really good friends. And now Chump Nation. 🙂

      • Also, I wanted to add right now ex is paying his child support. He did not follow our temporary order, but since the divorce has been final (about one month) he has paid. However, his lawyer bullied me into taking less than the guidelines saying if I did not they would push for 50/50 custody. I did not have a job at the time of court so they refused to let me negotiate daycare costs into the support. I have a Master’s in a field that is not very marketable where I am. Right now I am waiting tables during his visitation, but I have an interview next week for a job I am excited about. Thanks again to everyone who responded.

  • I guess if the person was truly sorry and remorseful, then you could F with their head. In this case he has moved in with other woman. I dont think he is remorseful. It will just feed him.

  • I’m sure others have already said this better (haven’t read through all the comments yet) but seeking revenge on a disordered person will 99% of the time backfire. The disordered do not ever get that they did anything wrong. You will not “teach them a lesson” or “make them sorry” for what they did. All that will happen is YOU will now look like a drama queen yourself, and depending on what you did, you might open yourself up to legal action or severe repercussions. Cheaters simply are not worth that kind of head space or effort,

    It might be a cliche, but it is absolutely true — living well is the best revenge. Focus on improving your own life. It isn’t really important what happens with the cheater once s/he is out of your life… the disordered have a way of bringing around their own downfall, so just let karma work her magic.

    I never did anything to get revenge on my ex, even though I thought about it many, many times. I never even yelled at him, sent a rage filled email, showed his family members some really incriminating letters, contacted the OW or anything else that would have qualified as revenge. Despite this, he sent ME lots of rage filled texts and emails, that continued for a long time. Cheaters are like that.

    But today, my life is good. I have a new career that’s on an upswing, I have a nice apartment, my son is doing well and has a job of his own, I’ve been dating a nice guy for 1.5 years, I’m feeling pretty good. In contrast, my ex lost basically everything and has now moved across the country to live with his dad. It appears that will be a permanent situation. The OW is long gone. As far as our son can tell, ex has not had a single relationship since our divorce, nothing beyond a couple of dates. Ex has no real job, no home, no car — nothing beyond his clothes and what fits in a box. His “destiny” of becoming an actor never happened. His “I was always meant to be famous,” certainly was not true.

    I am thankful I never wasted my time and lowered myself to the level of seeking revenge on my ex, because really, what could top what he himself did to his own life? Although his disorder prevents him from ever being able to see it, he is nothing but a loser and that is all he will ever be.

    • Your comment about your ex made me wonder. How many of your cheaters’ stayed with their OW/OM?

      • My ex is still with the final one. She recently told one of my kids that her job was to make sure Ex is happy, full stop. I laughed.

      • Cheater ex married the final OW. I have no idea how that marriage is going and I honestly don’t care. All I care is that I love my cheater-free, authentic life.

      • The exhole in my life is living with the OW. She moved in before the divorce was final. That was after 3 years of staying with the jerk after he cheated. Never ended much?

      • XPOS is not with his half his age stripper girlfriend anymore. He filed an order of protection against her and his moved on to several others younger than her. He’s a real fucking prize.

  • Take CLs advice. Don’t fuck with him because you will prove the narrative he is undoubtedly feeding to everyone who will listen and it probably goes like “she’s crazy; she’s a bitch; she’s a crazy bitch. None of it is true I’m sure but people as a general rule don’t like TMI.

    . As suggested in the poem “After a while” there is a line that goes: And you learn to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.” I think the take home message there is to be as graceful as possible and not vindictive. Telling the truth is NOT vindictive if someone asks why you’re not together. “I didn’t like his girlfriend” “He had an affair” are both acceptable responses. No need to protect him anymore but screwing with him isn’t the same thing.

    Just remember “If he’s stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go”

    • Aren’t all ‘scorned’ spouses crazy, according to cheaters and their supporters? It’s a narrative as old as the hills. We’re all crazy and damn it, we DROVE them to it with our unreasonable behaviour!

      • This is what cheaterpants ex tells his friends and family and subsequent girlfriends: she’s a crazy bitch, and they make that leap to “he was driven to cheat.” They have to believe this narrative in order to remain in his life. I’ve always suspected that this is what he tells them, but I got hard evidence in the form of a text message that was sent to me by accident recently (calling me “crazy”). My response: “Of course I am, and don’t ever forget it!” (crickets from the other end…him and current girlfriend). I like to keep him thinking that I’m “crazy” so that he doesn’t mess with me. It works in my favor for him to believe that I’m a loose canon, unpredictable, unreasonable because he’s a coward and avoids confrontation. I dream of 100% no contact, but that is almost impossible when you share custody of a child. So, my alternative is to turn the passive-aggressive strategy around on him.

        I admit to being a bit crazy in the early days of Dday, hysterical and flailing uncontrollably. That kind of crazy was easy to dismiss. Today, I am a little calmer in my approach, and it scares him. It’s a little bit like “Silence of the Lambs” crazy that I like to project.

        • Silence of the Lambs crazy – I love it. I’ve had a real turn around lately, and the next time STBX interacts with me, he is going to wonder who the hell I am, and what I’m capable of – because I will not cry, I will not be overly nice. I will just be VERY business like. He won’t know what to make of it. And that? Will be delicious…

  • LovedAjackass —- I had this very conversation with two of my friends (separately). They have chased after external things for decades and are never content. Their moods are up and down and they lash out at people when they are not feeling right. They didn’t get it or see it but I learned to go NC with one who was becoming verbally abusive and go limited contact with the other.

    One thing about recognizing the behaviors of others for what they are and not giving them excuses for bad childhoods, etc. is that I can let go of toxic people now when before I would have wanted to hang in there for one more year to see if they get it then! It is nice to have found peace and stillness and quiet grace for myself now that I am not putting so much energy into helping others.

    One thing that a pastor taught me about religious works to show that you are a good Christian was that we don’t have to volunteer for anything unless we can take our peace in saying ‘yes’ to that volunteer thing. We should be able to say ‘no’ to things that are asked of us until we can add them into our lives. If we do the work to love ourselves properly and to take care of ourselves, what we say ‘no’ to today out of love for our mental health, we may be able to say ‘yes’ to in 6 months or a year, etc. So, for the first time in my life, I started saying ‘no’ with abandon to all kinds of things that I really did not want to do. Holiday invites were off the table for me and it was awesome to take my holidays back. I have people who I will babysit their kids or watch their dogs but I said ‘no’ to similar requests from people who just triggered me or made me tired to be around their drama. And, it did happen that I started saying ‘no’ and sure enough, months later, I could say ‘yes’ to things that I could not say ‘yes’ to previously. His ministry to Christians is to ‘take your peace’ daily and deal with things each day that are in front of you – taking care of yourself so that you can be a calm or peaceful person in the world. Add in duties and activities as you can add them in but don’t take on so much that you rage or you are irritable or exhausted or anger all of time or with daily inconveniences, etc. Our society seems to be ok with meanness and raging and disrespect in small things everyday and it is like people are allowed to be mean or mock others because it is funny or life is stressful and hard so people have bad days. Bad days happen, for sure, but when a person is not able to not have a bad day everyday, something has to change. Loving ourselves was the first step in being able to have a cushion to deal with the world. I can be the one who is peaceful when everyone around me is freaking out. I have leadership in those situations and people look to me for calm direction.

    I started walking alone on trails and it was what I needed instead to get out of all of the external society things that people tell you that you need to do. I was a military spouse who also had a career and was busy all of the time supporting his mission and working FT. When I dropped back to this saying ‘no’ permission, it was amazing at how I found peace and could walk for miles and feel restored. And, I could see how toxic some people were to be around, I still support the military but I now do it in a way where I have not lost myself by giving tons of me to them but not having any energy for myself.

    Those people who are chasing external things that I have known for years have not taken the smallest step in making a change to get out of their discontent and unsettled way of responding to the world. I have found my peace and it came out of making myself a priority and not apologizing for taking time to be alone and walk and be in nature. It felt selfish at fist but that is why I was chump for so long. And, I could see how dependent people were on me to build them up and encourage them or listen to them. I kept those friends who were trying to overcome but let those go who want to keep the toxic drama in their lives but complain about it for 10-20 years. No small incremental changes at all — just a desire to vent about the drama. It is so nice to see behaviors in others now and act accordingly from a place of not feeling like I am not enough to handle this person but from a place of why do I want to be around this person? Getting away from toxic people has made such a huge difference in my life. Those individuals who are chasing external things for happiness are still chasing but I have changed how I respond to them and what time I give them. Like you, it took me decades to get there (I’m 51) but man, is it worth it!

    • Marie3, awesome post. I think this “peace and stillness and quiet grace” and self care is at the heart of finding a life. I’m inspired to start saying “no” more often.

  • My stbx accused me of an affair 15 years ago and brings it up every so often. Most, if not all, of our friends were aware of this ‘affair’ and I am quite certain the stbx is the only one who believes it. Anyway when I found out about his little ‘sexting’ phone from my son, I was irate and told ALL OF MY FRIENDS! We had (emphasize had because they no longer talk to me…) many mutual friends. I left for a few weeks, then came home. Then I found the Yahoo account with the “Hi, My name is Jason. I am 6’1, 230 lbs, I like to play pool and poker. What do you like to do?” message on the family laptop. Again – I told ALL OF MY FRIENDS and left again. After that happened, dumbass had a pool meeting one night. He texted me after the meeting and told me everyone pretty much ‘shunned’ him. He was pissed at me. HA – What do you expect fuckface? You cheated on your wife – and all those people KNOW me and they KNOW I am not the drunk in this marriage! Nimrod then decides to send out a Mass text to a crap load of people – family, friends, my son’s x-girlfriend (seriously) that pretty much told everyone to fuck off and that our problems stem from what I had done in the past – referring to my alleged affair. All he did by doing that was make him look like a total ass!
    I do believe in Karma – unfortunately sometimes it just doesn’t happen fast enough (example: stbx is still alive). Therefore, sometimes Karma needs a little nudge – like calling the police when they are drinking and driving….

    • LadyStrange……….love this (I do believe in Karma – unfortunately sometimes it just doesn’t happen fast enough (example: stbx is still alive).!!!
      This is how I feel daily!!!

  • I am going to have to say that I definitely overshared, to the point that some people went off me. I couldn’t stop myself, though. Finding out that my ex had been sleeping around for years, even with my friends, and was trying to leave me homeless left me pretty nuts for some time and the result was that I could not think or talk about anything else for far too long.

    Then I fucked with him by taunting him with various things I had read in his messages with various skanks (all of whom knew he was married with kids). Then I got exhausted and one day realised I couldn’t be bothered.

    These days I give amusing updates to a few people who might give a shit but otherwise am well beyond the mess. Unfortunately the idiot still tries to mess with me on a regular basis. Sadly for him I don’t engage but it’s still irritating.

    Every time you engage with anything other than bland disinterest you let these idiots know that they can still get to you and that a part of you still cares. Don’t give them that. Ever.

  • Oh Lord did I have revenge plots, A few really, really good ones but they are so specific I don’t want to mention them here. But lets just say there would be no way to trace this stuff back to me, and it would be quite disruptive to his life.

    I thought about it for awhile, but decided that just thinking about it made me feel icky. Just the idea of engaging with this asshole made me uncomfortable. Even if he didn’t know it was me. I figured if it doesn’t make me feel good about me, I’m not doing it. So I didn’t.

    There is also an instance where I agreed to pay one of our shared bills. I don’t really have to, it’s in his name only. But everything purchased on that card was me. So rather than not pay it and jack up his credit worse than it is, I pay the fucker because I said I would. Because I do what I say I’m going to do.

    I like my sparkly Karma. I’m not fucking it up. He’s fully capable of ruining his life all on his own so, I leave him to it.

    • Yes to this. I, too have an electric bill that is only in ex’s name, but I pay b/c I am the one currently using the juice (nevermind he is currently not paying for the delivery of our youngest despite being court ordered to do so…it is in my name as I was the patient). Congrats to you on keeping your integrity.

  • My Ex prefers drug-addicted whores. The most recent whore is not only drug-addicted, but seriously incapacitated by mental illness. She is being taken care of by her chump husband. She has sex with anyone who comes around, and of course, when my Ex learned this, he got right in line. He then convinced her to leave her Chump husband, sell her house, and buy a house with him (with her money of course). “Oh, no,” I said. “I have to stop this.” So, using my web skills I messed with both with her and my Ex’s heads and created a fight between them. This was easy to do because my Ex is always drunk and the whore is always high.

    The problem is that they actually “broke up.” CL is right. Don’t do it. I regret what I did not because it was immoral, but because they broke up. I wish they had stayed “together” so I could have had the laugh of a lifetime while they continued in their fuckedupness and made each other incredibly miserable. It would have also saved me the year I wasted trying to talk sense into the Ex.

  • The moron cheater was always telling me how “crazy” I was. Then, he also added in how crazy the OWhore was. He would also babble that “the hotter the woman is, the crazier she is,”. So I guess I’m Super Hot since I’m Super Crazy. You can’t make this shit up.

  • I tried that kind of thing after DDay 1 many years ago and can honestly say that any satisfaction was very short lived. Its just another sort of kibbles to the cheater and may even help them feel less guilty and more justified – see what a nasty nutter I was saddled with – that your revenge backfires and its YOU who suffers loss of esteem.
    I do not think they deserve the satisfaction of occupying a central role in your life and reducing you to crazy and low behaviour. Leave them to it – the truth usually finds its own way out. If he has a porn habit, is a compulsive liar, farts in bed or uses viagra then OW can deal with it now. She can have his folks as well – just say nothing that you might regret. This is especially true if you have children together as they will feel embarrassed and defensive and mad at you.
    Protect your assetts – go NC – come on here and tell us – but revenge really is a lot sweeter when you get past the stage of wanting it in any way that diminishes your soul.
    Be mighty.

  • Next week I will be celebrating the date of my final divorce court order. The range of emotions and roller coaster ride will finally be over. When I reflect on the past year since DDay I know I am finally standing on solid ground for the first time in 41 years. Staying with a serial cheater in a toxic relationship was taking the hard road. If I hadn’t filed for divorce and continued in this abusive relationship I would never have had the peace and joy I have today. I never thought the pain and paralysis would end. It did. I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. I did. I thought my children would abandon me and pity him. They didn’t. I thought he would get my pension. He didn’t. I believed she must be better than me. She wasn’t and never will. I thought I was defeated I became strong. I thought he was a good person. He was an asshole. I thought I would miss him. I don’t.

    It doesn’t matter what they say, think, or do with their lives. They are fucked up. I live better because I fought for myself. I am worthy of respect. This has been the first year of my life I put myself first. I have finally let go of the disorder that defined my life.

  • I could have written your post Donna. Kudos to you Donna and all Chumps and that includes myself !! 🙂

  • I over share to my friends but I keep up his respectable memory to people who knew him.

    2 weeks ago when I learned he had at least 2 other affairs, I told his best friends widow and his cousin/wife because I know he would never have wanted them to know, he would have been horrified at it…that was sharing. If I had told his bereaved parents, that would have been mean revenge.

    The one fantasy I used to have fin with though…at the end of their affair, OW got married (she was engaged the whole time and wore a $39,000 diamond when she screwed my now-dead husband). I had this fantasy of sending her a really nice and friendly card that no one could possibly take offense to UNLESS you know she was the OW…I wanted to tighten her sphincters …imagine this..

    “Dear Susan,

    Husband shared with me that you are getting married – how wonderful, there is no one I more wish to get married than you. I know you left us off the guest list out of respect to how hard it is to travel with all our kids, but you never know, maybe we will show up to surprise you ! I would love to share with all your friends and relatives how we all came to know each other : ) So when you say your vows, dont be surprised if you look up and there I will be !!!

    Have a wonderful life, I know how much the sacredness of marriage means to you !”

    but I didn’t do it

    looking back now, I am mostly glad that I took the high road

    • Now THAT was an awesome plot!
      See, a lot of revenge scenarios backfire. But I enjoy the ones where, when the cheaters are going around spinning their crazy making shit and you put it back on them. Hesatthecurb had an excellent one – for instance. Stuff that just makes the crazy-train stop in its tracks.
      But, I don’t think these are ‘revenge’ scenarios as such.

      • Agreed! I think this would’ve actually been a very classy way to “tighten her sphincters” – I laughed reading it. A $39K diamond? Holy God. And? Why have I never been able to find one of these dudes!!!! I am on my second cheater pants instead!

  • I did a few things that I am not proud of in the early days post D-Day. Things that just fueled his “she’s a crazy drunk” narrative. Oh and the oversharing!! But I feel I was having an out of body experience in those days so maybe we can just write that off as temporary insanity?
    I also have had some major revenge fantasies (and lots of evidence to put them in motion) that could have resulted in both cheater and porn princess losing their jobs and even professional licenses. I told myself to hold off on any of that until the divorce and property settlement was final and then I could go for it if I still felt like messing with them. When that day came, I had definitely settled down, found some peace and sanity and found I cared very little about those two losers and what happened to them. And like others have said, they will probably cause their own demise so they don’t need my help. I am still furious at how things ended and how he fucked me financially but thankfully I don’t have any revenge plays on my conscious.

  • I had 5 weeks from when I knew he was cheating to when I confronted him (had to hire PI and visit lawyer in the 5 weeks). I think detective mode helped me through those 5 weeks (and wine and jogging) but I also tried to fuck with him – I really wanted to see if he would crack under suspicious pressure (before that his lying was so easy as I trusted him implicitly). So one night I told him I needed to talk to him – I said something along the lines of “So you remember all that great sex we had in location A, B, C and D; I still love great sex and I don’t want to have to be one of those assholes who steps out of her marriage to get sex like my friends husband did…but frankly for the last while your sexual performance has been SUBPAR…do you think it would be a good idea if you made an appt with your doctor to check your testosterone levels or maybe get a prescription for Cialis/Viagra?” That made him have a seat, then I continued “I know other men still find me attractive; I could stand to lose 10 or 15 lbs, but so could you… so if you aren’t interested in sex with me then you must have a psychological problem..blah blah”. What kills me is that he was most upset that I told him he could lose weight (and he actually didn’t need to at all). But he upped his sexual game after that…direct hit to the ego! I taunted him with a few other things – mostly about intruding on his OW time (so easy to tell when he was going to hook up once I took my blinders off). He never did crack…even tried to deny it when I showed him pictures and told him “the video is more compelling”…it was almost amusing to watch, as I had read how cheaters do that…but my world was collapsing, so that amusement was short lived.

    • Mine was so good at leading his double life. I had NO CLUE. I also trusted him with every fiber of my being. That guy never lost one bit of sleep, never so much as bit his lip. The extent and duration of his lies were just staggering. It actually frightened me that he was so good at it when it finally came out. I have one word for it – sociopath.

  • But I could use some advice. The MOW was one of those predator head -of-HR types at my stbxh work (he also knew her from 25 years ago when she was also know for chasing after unavailable men- -when my BIL found out who it was he said “that SKANK!”.) When I first met her (before affair knowledge) I was embarrassed for her as she was one of those crazy touchy feely people…other wives made comments…as a professional woman myself I found it soooo inappropriate…if she was a man she would have had numerous sexual harassment complaints against her…or even if she was less attractive I would guess the men would/might complain themselves. Her affair with my X must not have broken any company policies (they were both executives) but as an HR professional she broke numerous articles in her Code of Conduct – the biggest was having sex in the office and having an employee catch them (they didn’t notice, I found this nugget out later on) and not telling their superior as they both sat on an executive committee and the perceived conflict of interest was significant.

  • Sorry – this is a continuation (still new to this)
    I get the distinct impression that no one ever calls this bitch on anything – her own now X husband told me that she told him “I haven’t done anything wrong”…wow!
    So once my separation agreement is all signed off, I wanted to file a complaint with her professional association. I have already checked – a complaint has no bearing on her employment (i.e. can’t be fired) which is fine as she is the sole breadwinner for her kids (they don’t deserve any more trauma). I also know it is unlikely to reach her actual disciplinary committee, but she would have to write a formal response to refute/explain the complaint against her. And I want her to have to do this. I do not care about the outcome, just the process. So any thoughts?

    • My thought is, it sounds like a lot of work for you…and she won’t bat an eyelash. She’s been lying and denying shit for years – I’m sure she’s very good at it. I don’t think it’ll even be so much as a speed bump for her. I say, let Karma handle it.

  • My fantasy revenge: a billboard in front of where he works with his pic on it with the words
    ‘Got Herpes (yet)’?

  • I do think the best revenge is living well. Recognize you have been given your LIFE back. I tried really hard to make my marriage work but there are some things not worth saving. Looking back, I was not “living” with my ex because his secret life really fucked with my head. Hard to have a good marriage with a lying cheating fucktard. Most of our exes were crap people and while they may look sparkley their lives are really very empty; I was unhappy in my marriage, recognized something was missing, and no fucking wonder! My ex was “checked out” and doesn’t it take a special kind of crazy to cheat on a spouse and fuck over your family financially?

    • ^^^THIS^^^^ – I feel LUCKY that the OWhore’s jilted Sugar Daddy called me to tell me. Had he not done that, I would’ve lived out my final years of this terminal illness with that sociopath. He ALMOST got away with it. He was so so close to never being discovered. I thank God every day that the Sugar Daddy told me. That man did me the greatest favor ever. I got my LIFE back, and my sanity is slowly returning. I twisted myself into a pretzel for The Reptile for almost 20 years…and I knew I was not happy, that something was missing too. But damn did I try. Little did I know I was playing a game that there was no way to win. The ONLY winning move with these assholes is not to play.

  • “Dear Chump Lady, Is it okay to fuck with his head?” Hey, isn’t it already “fucked up”?

  • One of my revenge fantasies was to sneak into the trade show in the middle of the night and spray paint “Susan____ dates married men” in gigantic letters across the whole thing and have it waiting like that when all the conference goers arrived in the morning. She also could have had fun explaining it to her boss. If I could have gotten away with spray painting “I date married men” on her BMW, I really would have done it, but I live 3000 miles from her and I never get away with anything…Im sure I would have ended up in jail.

    When it all first happened, I was the pittiful, bedraggled, burdened wife trying to raise my kids with a philandering H and OW was single and beautiful and had a great job.

    Now Im extremely close to being an empty nester, H is dead, OW is a divorced middle aged single mother of little kids and Im engaged to sweet, handsome, trustworthy man who has enough $ to not threaten the big pile of money I got when H died. Oh how the tables have turned.

    I will share that as of THIS MORNING I hit my goal weight to fit into my wedding gown – woot woot !!! My kids drive me freaking crazy but otherwise my life is so good !!!

    • Unicornomore, Congratulations! See! There is LIFE after! I love reading your comments because you have moved on and happiness is yours! My kids are driving me crazy too. 🙂

      • Absolutely awesome, unicornomore, and congrats, love to hear stories with former chumps triumphing!

  • The most compelling reason not to do this is because you won’t get the results you want. People just do not want to hear that their friend/loved one is a despicable, horrible ass. Like, putting their fingers in their ears and saying “la la la” do-not-want-to-hear-it. Whether it’s true or not. Trying to tell them will feel like banging your head against a wall…not worth your time or energy.

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