Well, I guess that sex addiction therapy voodoo just didn’t work on Tiger Woods. Surprise, surprise… he cheated on Lindsey Vonn.
When they broke up the other week, they each attributed the split to their busy work schedules. By which Tiger meant “my wandering dick.”
But really, Lindsey, what kind of special Olympic snowflake do you think you are? The guy copped to 120 affairs on his ex-wife. Either you believe you are so incredibly super to keep this guy faithful, or you put your stock in the transformative powers of sex addiction rehab.
Seriously, Lindsey — did you see the place he graduated from? Pine Grove sex addiction academy in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. An institution so esteemed it’s located in a strip mall. I wouldn’t trust a strip mall in Hattiesburg, Mississippi to clean my teeth. You think they perform character transplants there? More likely, they’re trafficking in stolen kidneys, but whatever. I’m just saying it was really dumb to date this guy, Lindsey. Look at you, you’re a blonde Teutonic goddess. An Olympian. I think you can do better than Mr. Cheater Golfpants.
Anyway, the Daily Mail reports the tawdry details.
‘He withdrew from Farmers. You have to understand, while it’s not right, it’s not really wrong either. Tiger isn’t married. He doesn’t really drink or do drugs. So what else does he have when he can’t afford to lose again? He is allowed to find some relief.
‘Most men would drink over such losses.Tiger has sex over it. Usually with local hookers whom he pays exorbitant amounts to, probably so they will want repeat business and won’t tell.’
Michelle Braun, a former Hollywood madame revealed that between 2006 and 2007 Tiger paid upwards of $40,000 for six ‘pay-for-sex dates.’
But this time he was spotted with the woman.
‘When Tiger realized he was seen, he became concerned and eventually he decided to confess to Lindsey. Something he didn’t do with Elin. He came clean and I give him credit for that.
‘Yes, Tiger cheated again. But it wasn’t with anyone special. He really wanted Lindsey to be the one. But he blew it again. He can’t help himself. He’s got an addiction. He relapsed,’ says the friend.
‘Knowing Tiger, he doesn’t even see it as cheating because there’s no romance or feeling there. It’s just a stress reliever, like a high-ball or two after a bad day.’
The friend tells Daily Mail Online that despite pleas from peers and relatives to keep going to his self-mandated therapy sessions, Tiger stopped going completely — leading to the alleged ‘one-time slip’.
I have so many questions. What are “self-mandated” therapy sessions? A mandate is an official order from an authority. So, if the authority is you, what exactly are the consequences?
“Tiger, for failing to go to your sex addiction voodoo appointments, I mandate that you fuck this Pancake House hostess.”
“Okay, your Honor. It’s a stiff penalty (I pun!), but I will humbly comply with your order.”
And so long as you don’t feel anything about them, people are equivalent to cocktails? What the fuck? Drawn to its logical conclusion, I can behead Mormons. “Well, you know, I didn’t have any feelings for the Mormons. It wasn’t a personal thing. I just needed to blow off some steam, so I beheaded some Mormons. It was a one-time slip.”
Poor Tiger Woods. His golf game isn’t what it used to be. His Olympian girlfriend dumped him. No one wants his endorsement on anything. (Try the pancake houses, Tiger!)
I’m sure for the right price, the strip malls of Hattiesburg, Miss will find a cure.