Apparently, many of us stood in the way of cheater greatness. One thing I noticed, reading all the stories here, is how so many chumps just crush dreams and place unreasonable burdens of responsibility on cheaters. If it weren’t for you, he’d be a rock ‘n roll star! She’d collect ALL the beanie babies! He would’ve known what it is to truly LOVE!
The affair partner is just a lifeline out of the stultifying existence you created. Once released from your toxic grip, I’m sure they’ll move on to Greater Things. It’s their destiny after all.
So, you meddlesome kids, tell me what you did to thwart their ambitions? And how’s that better life working out for them now?
“how’s that better life working out for them now?” – don’t know and don’t care buy it can’t be all peaches and cream otherwise he wouldn’t have spent the last year and change contacting me.
Well I hope you do not go back to him.
If your SO was exhibiting these traits of projection, blaming you for the affair or all the problems in their lives, then you are likely dealing with someone who has a personality disorder.
My wife left, we are still in contact and friendly. We are able to remain friends because she did not blame me for her cheating. She admitted she was unhappy and explained why. Quite frankly I was not the greatest husband. I now treat my second wife far better. I realize that had I treated my first wife the way I treat my second she likely would not have fell in love with someone else. She was wrong to cheat, but I made her feel worthless in so many ways. My counselor has helped me to see that.
A.W.; Why are you so anxious to wear the chains of your ex wife’s shame?
I spent months trying to justify to my awesome counsellor why I was responsible for my wife’s cheating and delving into all the ways that I failed her. My forthright counsellor encouraged me to look at my shortcomings in the marriage without using them to absolve my cheating ex of her actions. His point: “people with character, who feel they are in a non-reciprocal relationship WALK AWAY maturely and independantly. Character Disordered people start affairs and then try to blameshift by saying how unhappy they were or worthless they felt…as though this somehow justifies the behaviour”.
I can accept my imperfections and shortcomings, and practice continuous self-improvement, and know that I never failed my wife in any way nearly as devastating, humiliating and confidence – crushing as her actions were to me.
You fail to convince me that your wife’s cheating has somehow made you a better second husband….rather, you are just better off now that she is your EX wife.
wow, I’m impressed the counselor actually said this: “people with character, who feel they are in a non-reciprocal relationship WALK AWAY maturely and independantly” there is SO much more of the “own your part in it” crap out there.
Perfectly said, Don!
YES YES YES! “people with character, who feel they are in a non-reciprocal relationship WALK AWAY maturely and independently. Character Disordered people start affairs and then try to blameshift by saying how unhappy they were or worthless they felt…as though this somehow justifies the behaviour”.
I’m just sorry it took me so long to realize this.
Yes, I asked STBX , why he didn’t just leave. If I was a horrible wife, who didn’t appreciate him, whom he didn’t love and hadn’t loved in a long time, why not just leave? The truth hurts but not as much as betrayal and all the lies! The truth is he liked sneaking around and lying, I think it is exciting for him. Plus, he didn’t want to leave me and be alone, so had to wait until he had my replacement.
I have a vivid memory of trying to talk to Jackass about what I know now was the beginning of a narcissist discard and looking up to see him smirking at me. No doubt some of them enjoy the sneaking, duplicity and what amounts to a declaration that “you aren’t the boss of me.”
I think I lost about 3 years of my life agonizing over the fact that he considered me a horrible enough wife that he gave the the speech and declared his intent to imminently leave then he didn’t do it.
If I was horrible enough to drop the bomb on why didnt he pack his shit and leave?
If I was good enough to “stay with” for months after bomb drop then why did he feel compelled to do it in the first place?
My brain was NOT willing to admit that he was THAT disordered and selfish…that he would want to cake eat enough to do something THAT mean.
I always saw the good in him, always gave him the benefit of the doubt and Im simply NOT that mean so I couldn’t wrap my head around his capacity to do this to me.
His affairs were 10 years ago but I just learned the truth about them recently so my reactions to this are all “fresh”…in the end, I care much less about the sex, I care about the lies (even though I sort of get how a person gets to that place) but I will go to my grave never ever ever understanding how he could inflict the degree of pain he did on me in order to spare himself the discomfort and awkwardness of ending the relationship with integrity.
If I could zero in on a specific moment…it was when he said “I am divorcing you because you have been a bad wife” he could have said “I have decided that I don’t want to be in this relationship”. In the moment, either of those things would have hurt but I could have picked myself up and moved forward much quicker of he had shown a modicum of integrity.
Now when people ask me how I have done so well in the wake of his sudden death, I unashamedly tell them “I was a fabulous wife, really…I was faithful, devoted and true – I have no regrets”. I had coffee with a Priest the other day and when I said that he laughed…like he had never heard such a proclamation before. I earned the right to make that proclamation and I own that shit .
Unicorn, the universe works in mysterious ways… Your husband sudden celestial departure is no noubt a sign from above… Or below.
” I will go to my grave never ever ever understanding how he could inflict the degree of pain he did on me in order to spare himself the discomfort and awkwardness of ending the relationship with integrity.
If I could zero in on a specific moment…it was when he said “I am divorcing you because you have been a bad wife” he could have said “I have decided that I don’t want to be in this relationship”. In the moment, either of those things would have hurt but I could have picked myself up and moved forward much quicker of he had shown a modicum of integrity.” – Amen tm.
I was told ‘I don’t love you any more and never will again – you let me down as a wife’. Whilst he had a replacement preferred spouse and was f-king her in my bed.
I will never, ever, ever get this cruelty.
Patsy, end with integrity? Honesty? Never happen. Anything to justify in their minds they are right and just. Not part of their genetic makeup. Hurt pain and screwing us all over only thing makes them feel good. Mine is absolutely miserable in his new life says he feels every day like he’s gonna die! Good!
People with character cannot always walk away. somtimes we are isolated and have no support. Sometimes we have innocent children to care for.
I’d like to think people with character speak up for what they want first. After all, they made a vow, a promise. Your spouse isn’t like a used car and if you don’t like her, you trade her in, or abandon her on the side of the road. No, you ask for what you want. AAAANNNNDDDD, you ask her what she wants.
You are both adults in a consensual relationship. If you just leave when you are not getting what you want before having an adult conversation about what each of you want from the relationship, then walking away without saying anything is just as bad as having an affair.
This is especially true if you have children with that person.
If you haven’t said, “I’m not happy and this is what happy looks like to me, how about you?” then how do you know if your spouse can or can’t give you what you want?
If you hint or hope, or cling to some idea that if he/she loved me, they would just know what to do….
Just saying, the problem may not be with your spouse. You and your piss poor communication and relationship skills may be the issue.
If you say, I want more romance, well be specific. Romance is a pretty broad term. Is that cards, poems, interesting dates, rose petals on the bed, tickets to a Nascar event, showing up at the door in Saran Wrap.
You gotta spell it out, as romance means different things to different people. Use your words, use simile. Give examples of when your spouse got it right. After all, you married them, so they must have done something right.
But this whole, if he/she loved me, they would just know.
Really, so if I’m not getting a rare ribeye and a BJ daily, without asking, shall I conclude you don’t really love me? Because if you loved me, you would know what to do, and actually do it.
Leave should be one of the last steps. After you’ve described what it is you want in terms that unambiguous, and nothing is changing.
If you have unrealistic expectations, such as that your spouse is a Billionaire mindreader, well you just may be doing him a favor by leaving.
Just don’t take his kids when you do. Don’t screw up another generation with unrealistic expectations when it comes to intimate relationships.
Uniballer, dont cha love the entitlement to the children? Love , love , love when they say’ i am not a bad parent!’
Oh I see how involving our children with your affair partner, bending their little minds to make it easier to transition to a new life. Showing them how to replace people. Teaching them how to lie, omitt and disregard peoples feelings.Emptying their college funds to wine and dine the partner while the car payment is behind and the school trip cant be paid. And they fight for 50/50 custody because there is no way they are going to,pay U. Ya you guys are the parents of the fucking year.
That is absolute bull sh1t! I’m sure we could all have been better at our marriages in hindsight…is that an excuse to go off and fuck someone else and lie and cheat to everyone….no way! It’s just standard affair bullshit talk to pass the blame onto you and absolve themselves of guilt. I would smack my councillor in the mouth if she said that shit to me.
I agree that it’s bullshit. It all depends what you have to work with. It’s pretty hard to be the perfect wide when you’re always pushing shit up hill and not even knowing or realising tat it’s just a giant shit sandwich.
So what exactly is a conversation like when one decides to maintain a friendship with a cheater you divorced AW? Do you say, “Hi, are you still with the skanky country bar whore you picked up at a casino and got drunk with and got a hotel”. Or do you let them know about the STD and remind them to get retested at two three month intervals. Friends? This will never happen. Surviving is moving on and knowing you will never be tolerant of the character disordered abuser again. We now have hope guided not by a pathological liar rather a nation of chumps. Kindness,compassion, empathy, and having the willingness to be vulnerable without having anyone purposely manipulating you are true friends. Chumps fit that bill.
I won’t go back. I never answered any of his attempts at contact over the year and a quarter… except for his last one and that was to tell him that if he didn’t stop contacting me, I’d go to the police. That was about 5 months ago and it seems to have worked. You are absolutely right about character disordered people being unable to own their shit.
Unknown to me he had a long time girlfriend when we met. She became one of the OW after we got married. She was his soul mate and I got in the way of their perfect love. Let’s consider that they had been dating for ten years before I met him during which he had several other girlfriends (one of whom he lived with for a time though that relationship was almost a year over we when met) and we got married after only about two months of serious dating (yes I’m an idiot). Yet I was the reason they were not together. They are still not together because he is dealing with the damage our (less than a year) marriage had on him and the trust/commitment issues I gave him.
Also he was “spiritual but not religious” and had so many great dreams and plans to change the world. He was going to start charities and save people from bad relationships. This was big important work so I needed to bring in the money while he outlined plans, tried to find backers for a charity helping either children or animals and wrote articles on relationships that were never ready to be sent off to a publisher or posted online. He read one out loud to me. I don’t have a copy and any attempt to recreate it would not do it justice so I’ll leave you to imagine. (You’re probably right.) Anyway I praised him and suggested some word changes, changes in sentence structure, how things could be rewritten so they would be more clear, just basic clean up. This devastated him to the point where he could no longer bare to share his writing with anyone so I’ll have to take his word for it that all those hours at the computer were spent writing articles he was unable to handle sharing with me and he was away for unpredictable hours to change his writing environment for inspiration and couldn’t answer his phone while “in the grove.”
Still no articles published to my knowledge and no charities ever formed though he might still be “helping women in bad relationships escape from their ‘abusive’ significant others.” Mind you I apparently abused him to the point where he can’t marry his soul mate so the “” around the word abusive stands.
holy crap GreenGirl, he sounds more than disordered..he sounds fucked in the head and living a life of illusion! Whoa! Good thing you got out of that!
My cheater (a sometimes writer) would often talk about “what really matters” referring to helping others, bringing a spiritual awareness into the lives of those who are suffering, and sharing stories of pain and personal triumph. Once I become aware of her betrayal, I could only see the hypocrisy of someone believing so hard in helping others while she destroyed the lives of those closest to her.
buddy, I doubt your wife set out to destroy your life. She was selfish and only thinking of herself. Some cheaters believe they will never get caught and can keep the double life. Others, truly are unhappy and feel trapped. I now know that I was not a good husband. I made my wife feel trapped and I made her feel small in so many ways. Counseling helped me to see the real me. I initially blamed my cheating wife for everything, but the counselor helped me to see that I was blameshifting, too. Both people need to take responsibility for a failed marriage contract. It takes two to tango,as the Americans like to say. It can never be all one person’s fault. They both need to accept responsibility.
I think AW is a troll.
I was leaning that way after the first post above: she didn’t blame him, yet she explained why she was unhappy… which was apparently because of him. This second comment pretty much confirms it.
We all have our own shit to own, but causing someone to cheat isn’t included.
I have been extremely unhappy in a long term relationship before, but I did not cheat, I just left.
I realize it is easy to project one’s own failures onto others in internet forums, but your case does not apply to my story. Here is your food:
buddy, I doubt your wife set out to destroy your life.
– i agree
She was selfish and only thinking of herself. Some cheaters believe they will never get caught and can keep the double life.
Others, truly are unhappy and feel trapped.
– My wife was not trapped.
I now know that I was not a good husband. I made my wife feel trapped and I made her feel small in so many ways.
– I never made my wife feel small in any way actually. I was incredibly supportive. I was a very good husband. Very good. The problem actually was that I was TOO good, and she took full advantage of that. She knew I’d always support her emotionally, physically, financially, as a lover, a companion, a listener, a holder/hugger, a father.
Counseling helped me to see the real me.
– My counselor helped me see that I was married to someone incapable or empathy or reciprocity, someone capable of neglect of those closest to her, someone why neglected her own children in favor of her own needs.
I initially blamed my cheating wife for everything, but the counselor helped me to see that I was blameshifting, too.
– I spend hundreds of hours examining my role in the marriage, our circumstances, and you know what, I firmly believe she 100% instigated the “bad” in the marriage through her selfishness and self-absorption. I 90% enabled her bad behavior, and she fought the 10% of times I stood up to her with all sorts of resentment, contempt, psychological tricks, gas-lighting, lying, withdrawal, emotional punishment, undermining, subversion, and circumvention. Full on disrespect for my values, my provisions, my role as bread winner, my role as parent.
Both people need to take responsibility for a failed marriage contract. It takes two to tango,as the Americans like to say.
– And if only one person (me) takes responsibility? and if only one person (me) is tangoing – giving energy to the marriage rather than consuming it and bringing devastation into it?
– And when one person is doing all the parenting (me) and she is neglecting the children, should I take responsibility for that failed contract?
– When one person is working, earning money, reducing expenses, trying to pay off debt (me), and the other person is spending us into bankruptcy (her), should I take responsibility for that? (well, to be honest, I have taken responsibility for that and started to repair my life financially)
It can never be all one person’s fault.
– In my case, it was easily >97.5% her fault if one were to take the time to create a spreadsheet and do a formal analysis. So yeah you are right. But I owned up to my 2.5% and so what? She still continued the affair, continued to pine for an OM, continued to fantasize about an easier life, continued to see our marriage as “too hard”, continued to see our life as too ordinary, continue to see parenting as too hard, continue to see marriage counseling as too hard.
They both need to accept responsibility.
– But cheaters verbally accept responsibility but then take no concrete action to give to the marriage, to rebuild the marriage, where the marriage is a true authentic relationship with another person, not with their ego.
Sorry for the troll snacks, but sometimes the betrayed does look in the mirror and take responsibility, and the find out that only one person is giving 110% to the marriage to the other person, and the other person is giving negative %110 person.
Awesome UBT Buddy! I felt like I was a very, very good wife and relate to absolutely every word that you wrote. You can be the absolute best wife or husband in the world and that won’t ever be enough for these disordered people and they will still find ways to blame their crap on us. Enough is enough! I plan on living in the land of mature adults and cheaters and trolls can just live in their “it takes two to tango” delusional world.
i know i was a perfect wife. i know sometimes i wasnt even a good wife given some circumstances. but i was an honest, true and loyal wife. i tried hard all the time. but you cant make a marriage work when only one person is trying and the other person is hiding.
in his mind, he never cheated because he only fucked OW when we “broke up” or separated. i dont know how people say that it ok but i googled it and there are a lot of people that feel that way. it seems to be acceptable. so only i (and probably most of you) think that is wrong. he might think that way and even if it is true that he didnt fuck her until the day i kicked him out, he was still giving her attention, flirting and calling, telling her his problems instead of me and making sure to push ME to the point i kicked him out so he could fuck her AND blame me for kicking him out. so he is still wrong in what he did.
i finally found out his excuse is i “didnt treat him right” but he doesnt own what he did to me unless i have all the facts straight and tell him what he did. then i get a weak “you right” or a sarcastic “your always right”. plus it is ALWAYS MY fault he acted that way in the first place.
they are emotional leeches.
i know i wasnt a perfect wife.
ugh curse you tiny buttons
If you’re still around, that is an awesome response. Other than the financial stuff (simply because I’m lucky enough to be basically ok in that regard, but I am taking and will take a huge hit despite her cheating), your story sounds like it could have been mine.
Like you, I have also literally spent hundreds of hours thinking this out, ruminating, figuring what I could have done differently, what I would have done if the roles were reversed, etc. Have spent many hours with a therapist who knows my wife, trying to get a handle on it all and finally realizing I was not crazy. My wife saw a counselor twice and saw my therapist once. She blew the therapist she chose off (he “wasn’t helping”, and she disagreed with him – after two sessions) and my therapist said she was in pretty much complete denial.
Bottom line, from the therapist and I: I have not done anything to bring this storm down on my family. I’ve been a good husband and dad. We had a successful life and were blessed in many ways, individually and as a family. No one is perfect but I gave the marriage absolutely everything I had. My wife has some severe, objective problems that I could not and cannot do anything about.
No one is perfect, certainly not I. But, I’m not buying in to the “takes two to tango”, “every story has two sides”, “all a matter of perspective”, “two good people grew apart”, “everyone is entitled to seek their own form of happiness”, themes that are spouted as truisms. That is not always the case, and as I learn more, I wonder how often it really is the case.
Yes if you’re unhappy – get out, get a divorce, don’t cheat. But what keeps hitting me over the head is that most of these people can never be made happy, by anyone or anything. I am way over blaming myself for her “being unhappy”.
Cheating is 100 percent on them. It’s a lack of character. It’s that simple.
And Buddy’s response was awesome.
If you’re gonna feed a troll, that’s the way to do it. Good going, Buddy.
Good response ,Buddy you have accurately described what ig is like being married to a Cluster B , right down to the financial abuse and abdication of parenting the kids.
i have read that studies shos that i the vast majority of cases, the cbeager was overwhelmingly responsible for the pre A issues in a marriage.
Makex perfect sense since, by definition, a cheatrr lacks integrity, empathy, communication skills, and problem solving ability.
Think a person with those attributes just might have been a less than ideal partner even before cheating?
very true. exhole would always start acting up when he wanted to separate. but it was always me who kicked him out. then he would go do whatever he wanted with a clear mind because “we were separated” and “you kicked me out”
he NEVER owns up to the shit he was doing BEFORE i kicked him out. it was really making me a crazy person trying to keep up and make sense of his twisted way of thinking.
Buddy, your Post resonated for me in so many ways. None of us are responsible for a partner’s decision to cheat but we would all be doing ourselves an injustice if we didn’t look hard at who we had been in the relationship and do our very best to learn the things we need to learn. But for many of us, we have done exactly that and one big lesson to learn is that we do not need to take responsibility for everything. This blog reveals so many people whose instinct at first was to blame themselves and who were the first to ask for counselling and in that counselling were eager to work as hard as they could to save their marriage/ relationship.
But when you are a decent, balanced, albeit imperfect – because we all are – partner, the sad reality is that you can’t fix things on your own or engage in healthy counselling that does not in itself lead to further hurt and abuse if you have a damaged partner who is being driven by things quite unrelated to the marriage and who does not instinctively take responsibility but instead instinctively blames.
Cognitive dissonance and narcissism and personality disorders are real yet the majority of counselling assumes that both parties are basically balanced. My husband used counselling as a vehicle to tell me everything that was wrong with me and my family at a time when I was incredibly vulnerable not revealing at any stage what were then infidelities unknown to me or the fact that all through our counselling he was building a relationship with another woman. I sensed that he was not genuinely committed to the process and now believe he did counselling just to make his decision to leave look better.
During my marriage I was all those things you describe yourself being Buddy – the great supporter essentially. But my best was still not enough from him. I no more deserved to be cheated on and left then many friends in good relationships. They just have the good fortune to have married decent and basically well-balanced people with whom doing the hard work required to sustain a long- term relationship is possible. That wasn’t possible with my ex.
Not sure about troll, but sure that AW’s wrong on this. I felt alone and was completely unhappy with my spouse for about 9 of my 17 years in a sham “marriage.” Turns out he cheated on me the ENTIRE time. Wonder why the displeasure being married to him increased for me! Geez! But however alone I felt, I NEVER cheated. Instead, I channeled that lonliness to: coaching our kids’ soccer teams, earning a professional accreditation, and a master’s degree. I made myself feel better about myself. The douchebag?? Cheat, cheat, kibbles, kibbles, cheat.
They suck and are mediocre at BEST. All of them. AW’s level of suckiness as a husband in NO WAY gives cause to cheat! Never! Really? They’re smart enough to scheme against us for months and/or years, but can’t figure out a way to LEAVE first before fucking other people?
No. They suck. End of story.
AW, I’m so sorry your wife cheated on you, but even if you were the WORST husband in the world, she had no right to cheat. I admire that you see that you could have been a better husband, but if she was that unhappy, there’s a thing called divorce. No one, no matter how unhappy has a right to cheat on their spouse. And it’s not that they INTEND to wreck your universe. They don’t frigging care if it wrecks you. They don’t. I would venture a guess, if you looked, this was not her first rodeo. I’m not saying to look. Your divorced and it’s useless to cause more pain for yourself now. But I hate to think of Chumps blaming themselves. It’s not our fault, they chose to go outside the marriage, risking the very lives of their spouses.
But I also think that blaming the chump for their “part” in the absolute gut wrenching betrayal the cheater imposed on them is absolutely wrong. NOTHING WE DID CAUSED THE CHARACTER DEFECT IN THESE PEOPLE. Choices. They chose. We were given NO CHOICE. They were lying, deceitful, selfish, manipulating, assclowns,with no regard for the one left thinking everything is ok. That’s why we get chumped. We don’t think that way. They do.
Preach it girlfriend!
The lies the cheaters used to justify their actions don’t fly here. The consequences for the cheaters are so harsh when chumps go no contact and leave them to their own destruction. It the weekend, they need cake. Yes, I made X look good as a family man. Trolls don’t look back. What you had is gone. Look forward to the life you chose. We are no longer willing participants. Moved on.
Buddy, my ex as well. He was actually saying stuff like God sent him here on a mission to stamp out bullying and that he was entirely devoted to helping other people. Too bad he never felt such devotion to me.
I think such behavior is one of the key reasons it was difficult for me to just get over the affair or truly consider reconciliation. My spouse could treat others with such respect and kindness, and yet couldn’t fully realize how badly she was treating me and the kids.
I just couldn’t untangle the skein of that one.
And she really had no answer for it either: cue revisionism, gas-lighting, false equivalencies, and just a tad of false remorse.
I had the same problem – every person in the room was more important than me for 31 years, it’s a common factor in Narcissistic relationships. So she/he is very concerned about being seen as a great person by everyone else – even people they don’t know or don’t like ……..and they often make a show of putting others first or siding with others……..that’s generally they have tested you – they know they can ignore your needs ,,,,,,,, they have done it before and while you may have complained you have in the end let it slide- basically a strong underlying feature of the relationship is that it doesn’t concern them if you are unhappy (which is a common feature of relationships that fail).
So reflects it for me kristil. My H-hole was seen as such a great Man. He carried himself well in the outside world. The noble, goodhearted sweet and carrying man everyone admired. He would include everyone, had a weak spot for the less fortunate but treated his own wife like crap.The majority of our family time he would demonstratively exclude me from everything, going so far that he would make the children to his partner by discussing things with them that they clearly couldn’t take responsibility for. They are children and not the other parent. Never any real eye contact, unable to have a conversation with me of any kind and often sullen, angry or given me the silent treatment. I was left out, unheard and very unsupported. Here I was, walking on eggshells, lot’s of attempts trying to be a better wife, trying just a little bit harder to meet his needs putting up a great dance for him. Little did I know that it was all part of his manipulation game to eat cake somewhere else. What a distorted person he is, still feels somewhat unreal sometimes and hard to grasp.
Isn’t it funny how they boast about how their coworkers admire and trust them. My wh was also concerned that he got good feedback on ebay. Boasted about his 5 stars. They care about strangers but not how they treat their loved ones. Smoke and mirrors I tell you!
Oh, Buddy, so many of them can project their mask in a public environment, at work. But when they come home, they can’t manage an actual relationship with a spouse or a child.
Buddy, I agree with you 100%! Thats exactly what the XPOS did to me too. Preached about how he despised liars and cheaters, blah, blah, blah. But if he would have seen his reflection when he looked in the mirror, rather than a 6 foot tall Adonis (mind you he is about 5’6″ but claims 5’8″), he would have seen that he is who he despised.
I can’t forgive him or wish him well………not at this time anyway. He did more than mess with my emotional state, he also gave me a ‘gift’ I can never return.
Good lord, GreenGirl, your ex sounds much like mine. Totally disordered and delusional. Thank God we are both rid of those freaks.
My X would have adventuresome a taken the job in Switzerland and he would be going on sebatical every three years like his job allows for the academic year. Never mind he had school age kids and a spouse with a job that wouldn’t allow that, My X was so crazy narcissisric in the last few years before Dday that he actually thought that moving to Switzerland and being forced for our daughter to be set back 2, count them 2, years academically due to her not speaking Ssiss German and not because of any learning disability (in fact she is super smart ) would be a great growth opportunity. And never mind I had no job future in Switzerland. If it was he wanted we should all be 100% supportive. That was actually the beginning of the end I think, because I put my foot down and told him NO for the first time in our marriage. He had been attempting to change jobs and move huge distances every 4 years and we had been married 20 years at that time. He had asked me to give up my jobs over and over again.
It has been 2 years since Dday and has X gone on sebatical? Of course not. And the OW has a job. He is marrying OWhore next month so maybe he will start with the needing to move again and take sebaticals and she will be stupid enough to agree which will make her completely dependent on him which is what he wants to secure his kibble supply. So glad to free of him.
I did move for ex’s work to different countries, left my career behind to support his, dealt with everything, etc. Turns out I held him back. Now he hasn’t moved in years, other than within our city several times, each time further away from the kids. He’s a fairly successful guy within his field, but tends to fuck up at some point and jump to another job when things get too much (meaning he is not being hailed as the second coming).
My dreams? They never got much of a look in from him. Not important enough or equal to his needs, it would seem. I really was stupid in that marriage.
“He’s a fairly successful guy within his field, but tends to fuck up at some point and jump to another job when things get too much (meaning he is not being hailed as the second coming).”–You could be writing about Jackass here.
What’s amazing to me is that they always manage to land another good job. Like the kind of job that a mentally healthy person would hang onto as long as possible.
I kept mine form moving to Paris (for a job paying $30K), Sydney (job paying $50K) and Switzerland (no job lined up, but he has a friend there who could surely hook him up). I’m not sure how a family of four would survive on that kind of money considering I would have had to completely give up work — chances of me getting a work visa in those countries being slim to none.
OH LA LA !!! The pesky moving away pattern. I had never long enough time to establish my career due to moving, But it’s my fault that I apparently don’t contribute significantly to the family income and don’t make an income, like I should. Let me make up for that to let him have his cake somewhere else. I have a degree in psychology and really would have needed to settle somewhere to built up my private practice. His moving pattern was about every two years. My “fairly successful“ guy was always chasing better opportunities, and the funny thing is he would climb one step up on the career ladder, only to climb down again and one step up and down again, never reaching the stars. Prince charming always got what he wanted and landed the jobs. He would move ahead and I would do the whole moving part while raising smaller kids and keeping full time employment. Throw a couple overseas moves in there and you get the picture.
Like to add, through all this upheaval, he sure kept one steady component „THE OTHER WOMAN“
The pattern? Never staying anywhere long enough to be found out or to have to admit that they aren’t the very best or smartest or most talented. Lived with Jackass for 8 months: 3 jobs. Word has it he changed again this spring, after spending 20 months in the last one. He’s left every relationship but one after a year or two. (Yes, now I see those red flags waving…)
this is another one i never realized. the moving pattern. exhole was always wanting to move. we bought this house 11 years ago, i cant remember how many times exhole wanted to move. just to another house somewhere in the same city. it didnt make any sense to me. this is our house. i believe children need stablity in their lives. i can count my moves in 47 years on one hand. he cant. they were always moving from one place to another, one town to anther, or just another house. it was driving him CRAZY to be in the same place for so long. literally. i never understood it.
This reads like my story. Way too familiar.
I think my “lack of support” ( all consuming interest and personal dedication on top of everything else he has sucked out of me) in his hobby, competitive barbershop style singing, was where I supremely failed him and where the MOW filled the void. She joined in on many competitions both regionally, nationally and internationally with him. Yea.
How weird that he forgot it was ME who located our current residential area in order for him to join the most competitive male chorus in the state. It was ME who agreed to many many nights and weeks of single parenting so he could train, find vocal coaches and compete. It was ME who put my paycheck into an account that he could draw expenses for this hobby from (and entertain MOW during competitions).
Not enough hoops can satisfy these assholes. And there was zero reprocity in his actions to support my goals, dreams and objectives. I remember VERY early on that I would have to rely on ME to reach my goals on top of supporting his. I had to take my infant son with me many times to my MBA classes. Asshole was way too important to actually follow through with helping me out most evenings. Red Flag #1,999,999,999,999……
Mommy Chump ….we were married to the same sort of guy – unbelievable!!!
I could never set down roots ( 7 moves in 14 years ), barely got my foot in the door with a career and it would be sabatoged!
Helped him through 7 ( yes a full degree and a master’s ) of education and raised two amazing kids during this time.
He kept bringing up the fact that I put my foot down about a job he wanted to take in the Yukon. Seriously – he was already packing bags in his mind and was furious that I did not agree.
Keep in mind I live near the US where we barely get snow and our friends and family were in this part of the world!!!
But I stood in his way of greatness!!!
He ended our marriage in the city I live in now. I knew not a soul moving here – it was for his career. Imagine if I had been tossed in the great white north ?!?!
I can so relate to your post lisa. I live on beautiful Maui now and last time he tried to rip us out from here to find a better opportunity I put my foot down. He seriously wanted to move us to Nebraska for a much lesser paying job, Are you shitting me? I still here about it now and then LOL
That is exactly how I feel – I dodged a bullet and at least didn’t end up in Switzerland on my own with my kid and no job.
Every 4 years he had to change jobs or move. It was always something – he was in someone’s shadow and not fully appreciated, he wasn’t getting the resources necessary to do his ground breaking work (I have to be fair and admit he really is excellent in his narrow field of academia), it was too much effort to write grants to support his research and he was so fanfuckingtabulouse he should just be given money with no peer review process (something only for such lowlife people like me) or something about the the house was no longer acceptable etc. As soon as I settled into a job I liked we had to move. As soon as the house finally became a home we had to move. We should be going on sabbatical every 3 years for a year because he could – never mind we also had pets and horses. His attitude, give the dogs and cat away and sell the horses because you can always just pick up some new ones. They’re just animals afterall. No different than throwing the old coffe maker out.
Now I know that it was probably mostly if not completely driven by affaires ending. So glad to be free of his crazy.
I’m not sure what explicit dream I crushed, but he made it very clear that “you made my life suck”. But I am quite sure that without me he never would have travelled much or done very exciting things, would never have bungee jumped in Switzerland, went skydiving in Canada, or would have went diving with sharks in the Bahamas. Never mind the two adoring kids, a wife who loved him whole-heartedly, financial security, and the respect of friends and family. Pretty sure he would have just logged some more TV time on his couch. I am 9 months out from D-day, stbx is still with his MOW (not living with her due to the kids), his OW is a serial cheater (not sure about him) so the Karma bus will show up eventually. Maybe his dream was to become a lonely old man! I’ve been trying so hard to stop untangling the skein…but I will never understand this shit – it is fucking mindboggling!!
damn stillstunned. i want to be your wife. haha
The topic gave me my morning laugh! It started small – if only we didn’t have all these kids (only 2 last time I counted); if only we lived in NJ (get a job there, I’ll sell the house and we’ll join you); if only I went into a different master’s degree program (didn’t finish grad school at all); if only you let me go to law school (has criminal record in 3 states and said he would lie to Bar admissions board because record is pre-computer); if only I had good health insurance (which I paid for out-of-pocket because he couldn’t afford anything he didn’t want to pay for); if only I had credit cards (I paid off his debt when he had his own credit cards). I knew it was only a matter of time until the thinking changed into “if only I wasn’t married to you”.
He sure could have been somebody if it weren’t for me holding him down. Well, he’s free now with the skankwife who “gets” him. I just hope she keeps him!
It’s a constant ride of regrets.
Well, my cheater didn’t say I crushed any of his dreams. I’m just too overwhelmingly horrid in every aspect of my being which is what forced him to cheat.
🙁 He probably didn’t have dreams. His subconscious is probably hiding from how overwhelmingly horrid he is.
Supreme Chump……your cheater is NO GOOD! I really wanted to use much more foul language, I know it’s ok here, but I can get real carried away….
Especially today for some reason! I’m feeling everyone’s pain!
I’m at the opposite end… he had no dreams and no goals. That was the entire problem.
“What do you want to do? Where do you see yourself and/or us in x-many years?”
“Happy and well-off. With you.”
Gee, that’s so motivating. HOW is that going to come to be? WANTING that doesn’t make it happen. You have to actually DO something.
And in retrospect, I fixed everything that was wrong in his life, so he could have the freedom TO pursue dreams without being weighed down by things like…
Low-paying retail jobs with shitty hours
Two baby mamas
Child support (which stopped because the mamas were uncomfortable with me being capable enough to create a loving environment in which visitation was going to happen – their SOs ended up adopting them.)
No relationship with his family.
I got us to a place where he has a great job, we own a beautiful home in a quaint village, have three children, two late-model vehicles, and are on good terms with his family… even his mother he’d stopped talking to 20 years ago.
I guess his dream was to be respected and appreciated… even though he’d done nothing to earn or deserve either of those things. And I thanked him, profusely, all.the.time. For working (same sort of job he always had done, which I got him, for 3 times the salary.) I didn’t respect and appreciate him ENOUGH though, apparently… and the ho-workers did. ?? LOL
Thought of even more baggage:
Foreign “ex-wife” whom he hadn’t even bothered to divorce! And tens of thousands of dollars in debts. And DESTROYED credit so bad that when he applied for a simple checking account (for direct deposit) – in NY and all the bad debts were from FL FIVE years prior – he was denied.
Fixed that too. In a few months. You’re welcome, Asshole.
Imagine, Insistonhonesty, if you put all of your awesomeness squarely on making your own life great. You are already well on the road–losing the deadweight will just give you more time and focus.
Over and over again, I am astounded how cheaters all act from the same playbook. Your posts just make my realize how my situation is/was NOT unique, I should not be surprised by this anymore! My XH continuously implied that I ‘stopped’ him from engaging in his hobbies, his choir, his tennis, seeing his mates. How it was me and not the fact that we had 2 small children and that he worked an 80 hr work week but of course it was easier to blame me.
Mostly he blames me for not loving/adoring him enough to keep him straight (ie. not gay) and that my love wasn’t deep/pure/devoted enough to stop him from ‘needing’ to visit rent boys.
He would continually do what I call ‘set ups’. He would suggest something that was completely unneeded, like moving 10 miles away for the sake of it and setting up all new schools and home etc for no apparent reason. When I would disagree, he would go ballistic about how awful and controlling I am. He wanted reasons to blame me and would create them.
Now divorced for almost a year and he has taken on even more work and hardly has the time to take the kids for his court appointed time. He depends on me to cover for him while he travels for work – which he promised the court he would never do again. I am sure he will find a way to blame me for it.
Yep same play book.
Cheater “I think we should do X”
Me ” awesome let’s look at that, how do you think we should go about it? seems a great idea?”
Cheaters “. ”
Me ” have you looked further into that idea, I have a few of my own to go with it”
Cheater “. Yeah I’ll get to it”
Some weeks later
Me ” how is that idea going?
Cheater ” I have been busy, I said I would get to it, just give me time”
Me” you have had time, will there be action any time soon”
Cheater ” your always so negative what is your problem”
Me” my problem is ..(insert every broken promise or unfulfill dream here) due to you lazy ass, it will happen when I get to it routine.
Yet I crippled his long term dream to becom a teacher that I only learnt about a year before D’Day, we had been together almost 20 yrs and had no idea this was the dream I was thwarting by being his wife, having his children, running our home to minimise any stress on him.
Yes. the “You are so negative”… got it ALL.THE.TIME
OMG, yes, I heard that one all the time as well! My ex would angrily brush his hands across his legs and say he was “brushing away all my negativity.” LOL, what a freak! In the past five years without my “negativity” holding him down, he’s ended up homeless!
“negative”: an interesting label narcissists use for people who aren’t compliant.
Yes everyone……..negative nell over here too! He always said I was negative and there is not another soul that I know that has ever thought I was.
The mindfuck manipulation is overwhelming to me. So hard to conceive.
I got this too. I finally asked him why everyone he is with starts out so happy and becomes ‘negative.’ I told him it’s just an effect he has on people!
Yes-and “negative” is the label a narcissist cheater throws out for all situations and conversations. I remember before D-day I was amused at how he would call me “negative,” constantly, for any given issue. After D-day, this continued, and I remember him telling the marriage counselor, “I would be able to work out this marriage if she wasn’t so negative, and could just get over this mistake I made.” Yes, fucker, the 2 year mistake with your married co-worker. Just a mistake. Negative, jerk.
Mine also threw around the negative label all the time. He used to complain that I wouldn’t confide on him (not true, he just wasn’t listening), but when I would open up about things like how I was having some social anxiety issues, he would respond that I was just too negative.
Free–Oh, good Lord. He’s gay and blames you? So on top of being a man who would use a woman to control his homosexuality, he uses you to avoid his parenting responsibilities. I’d get full custody and limited visitation. If he has weekend custody but doesn’t take it, he needs to pay more because he is not feeding the kids and providing for their needs. Many states adjust for that. Don’t enable this loser any more. And who cares if someone this abusive and selfish “blames you”? That’s a given with him. Do what is best for you and your kids.
YES, the set-up with an outlandish plan! Him: “Hey, let’s take the kids out of school for a year, and rent an RV, and tour the U.S.! You can home school them, and we can see the country.” Me: “What? What about our jobs? No way.” Him: “Ugh, you’re always so negative! You never want to do anything fun.”
Wow Sausalito, you dare to put reason and logic before fun? Hard for cheaters to imagine that some people do not think reckless abandon is fun.
Yes, it was a set-up because he knew I would say no, and then he could rag on me for not being “spontaneous and fun”. Even when we did some of the (more reasonable) stuff he came up with, I would do 95% of the prep work, pack up 3 people, and do all the work once we got to any given destination. It was when I quit doing all this that he needed to find someone “spontaneous and fun.”
Free, I believe ours might be twins separated at birth. Mine too had to give up his beloved tennis because of me. Even though I never once complained about the long hours he spent playing early mornings, late afternoons, and all day on the weekends–and instead offered to take up the game to join him–he could feel my resentment, which forced him to give it up. Facebook, too, since the fact that his posts came through on my news feed and I would occasionally comment on them meant that I was stalking him and he had to shut down his account immediately. And yes, the “experimenting” with gay porn was my fault as well. I stopped having sex with him so he needed to find something more exciting than, apparently, straight porn. Meanwhile, of course, the fact is that he stopped having sex with me and I suspect, though I gave up trying to find the “smoking gun” (so to speak) for the sake of my own mental health, that the long hours spent playing tennis and the sudden need to stop were out of fear that his “same sex attraction” (he’s not gay, he just has “SSA”) and the hook ups at the club with other men on the down low were about to be exposed.
“Facebook, too, since the fact that his posts came through on my news feed and I would occasionally comment on them meant that I was stalking him and he had to shut down his account immediately.”
OMG, THIS ^^^^^ YES!!!! I couldn’t “like” ANYTHING he posted…I couldn’t “tag” him in ANYTHING I posted— even about OUR daughter — or EVER question, “Why are you friends with (strippers, female friends-of-friends, female relatives of friends) ???” I was “stalking” him, but if I posted a MEME or picture or quote that he felt was a “dig” at him, oh boy would I hear about it!!!!
He “unfriended” me months ago…sometimes I see his posts, but mostly he only posts to his FB Friends…or Instagram knowing damn good and well I don’t have an Instagram account…
FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!! And he wonders why I doubt shit he says!!!!
What is their Thing with Facebook? It’s their Golden Egg of filler kibble. Mine would always unfriend me, got upset if I asked about is new “random female friends” and exes aggressively liking all his pics, and question why he would Never post or or tag pics of us.
Turns out All his random girls old and young were from plenty of fish. After initial messages there he would add them to his Facebook so he could verify they were real (not his stalker girl or any angry discarded flings). If he liked their pics there flirty messages and sexy pics would be exchanged. Then after that they got his phone number and soon a call and a meeting.
That was his playbook. How dare I want to be on his Facebook? I was too crazy to be on there and besides, he’d say that isn’t a good pic of me -I shouldn’t want it on there!! Haha the mindfuckery.
So you see, I crushed his dreams and soul because I cock blocked him from grtting Strange sex and meeting his true love!
My ex also blamed me for his hundreds of gay sexual encounters during our marriage, even though he started having gay sex before he ever even knew me, and continued to do it after we divorced. He said he didn’t feel enough “passion” for me, and that is why he had all that gay sex. I’m thinking it was the other way around, and the fact that he is GAY is why he didn’t feel passion for me, but he will never come out of the closet. Whatever. Total loser.
**He wanted reasons to blame me and would create them.**
Yes! THIS! I am so sick of him trying to pick a fight over ridiculously petty bullshit. It is all I can do not to take the bait, but I finally have a plan (sort of) and the countdown to getting the fuck away from him has started. I’ve learned that the picking a fight thing is how he “negotiates”… get all big and scary and confrontational, then issue some sort of ultimatum, then come out later with the truth about what he wants and how he’ll back off the ultimatum if I’ll let him have it. Fuckhead.
Enjoy the porn-induced limp dick, Flavor o the Day. I am outta here.
Saddam’s only dream, so far as I know, was to be able to have whatever material things he desires, stay with me and his OW, and never work again. Well, he has a girlfriend and he doesn’t work so that’s two of his “dreams”. Poor sausage hooked up with a woman who doesn’t make much money, so he’s waiting for his wealthy mother to die now so he can be truly comfy. I think his mother is going to outlive him though.
Dat–we can only hope his mother outlives him.
Maybe we can write a sit com — the Dashed Dreams of an Everyday Narcissist. He hears of his mother’s demise, and goes to the reading of the will anticipating his impending wealth and then. . . His mother appears to tell him rumors of her death have been greatly exaggerated. He keels over with a broken heart, and OW sobs uncontrollably, knowing that her dreams have been dashed, too!
oh yes, and the will is read in a remote location so there is no way to get the asshole to hospital so THIS time he actually dies of a heart attack. Yeah, that’s how it plays out…
The PI I hired asked me what I ever saw in him when he snapped pics, his words “he looks like Saddam crawling out of his hole” Truer words were never spoken, that is what I;ve called ex ever since. heh
Dat…….I think we must be sisters! I hired a PI too. That was some good money wasted! Wow! What I could have done with that $$!!
Dat, that story is priceless. It was worth it just to get that name for the X.
Well it’s Friday night and I just cut 1/2 acre of grass and did some yard work. Another fun weekend is planned with my friend and family. I love today’s topic because I thought I was alone in supporting a fucktards dreaded dreams. They always ended in a giant rabbit hole. After a year I am in a much better place than being a participant in mr toads wild ride to nowhere. It’s good to know despite the discard and toxic relationships we can live better. In a years time I supported two rentals,my son and granddaughter, paid off most of my credit card debt, and have saved for a down payment on a house.
As chumps we can have dreams of our own. Mine were always met with negativity. In the beginning when I accepted the blame,his negative comments made me want to prove to him wrong. Now I do it all for myself.
Ohhhhh boyyyy…. here we go!
Here are some things that I was told by the STBXW after I confronted her about her cheating:
“Would we even date if we met now?” (about 5 months before, she was online wishing me happy birthday “to the love of my life”)
“I made myself small for you!” (overlooking the years I spent supporting her as she attempted to start her own business and was a SAHM to our daughter)
“You were happy, I was miserable!” (conveniently forgetting the times I took her aside and told her that I knew deep down that something was eating away at her and that it was making the marriage an unhappy place for me and for us)
“I don’t feel extraordinary” (because that’s my fault, apparently?)
As I have said many times here in the comments, I was a lousy husband for a year or two solid (carping, angry, and critical during the time I was in chronic pain due to my back), and I reacted poorly (controlling) when I uncovered the STBXW’s financial infidelities (totaling about $100K) a few years ago.
But shackling the STBXW with invisible chains so that she couldn’t pursue her dreams? Uh… sorry, but no (I am a self-made, financially independent guy – exactly NOT the person to whom you should complain that someone else or something is holding you down in life).
In the cheater’s mind, it’s fair and just – they are entitled – to take a shortcut to feeling cherished and extraordinary, without actually putting in the hard work in life, business, and finances. Of course this is the fault of the chumps, right? 😉
Does ANYONE have an example of someone who cheated, left a marriage and/or family, and actually went on to manifest the dreams that we chumps so callously denied them?
I sure cannot think of even one example of this.
“I don’t feel extraordinary” — just wow.
CL – yep. Words failed me then, and they fail me now.
The chump in me was sad to hear that, of course, and was happy to look for ways to help bring STBXW further into my life. The self-made man in me was more like “what? the. HELL?!??”
This is overlooking the fact that through my freelance career and managed to get her (and sometimes daughter as well) to California (multiple times), Santorini, and South Africa. But since those were related to press trips, they didn’t come directly from my wallet so didn’t “count.” Because me helping to pay off her secret debts and saving for daughter’s college fund aren’t more viable alternatives of where our personal income should have been going at the time.
Chump Nation, please, please, please tell me that there are honest women out there who wouldn’t be grateful for opportunities to experience those places regardless of how the journeys were funded?
Oh, and let’s add this: gaslighting was the icing on the cake. STBXW told me that she resented my success, then later denied ever having said that. Every day of limited contact helps me to see more clearly how screwed up all of the above was/is.
I volunteer as tribute. 😉
Seriously, she is delusional. Rather than looking at an amazing opportunity to see these places with you, she focuses on how you got her there?! Entitled much?
You’re better off traveling alone…
Sephage, I would volunteer! It’s amazing how many dreams I seemed to wreck for my ex. He bought the bigger boat he wanted to buy after he left, but he has no one to go fishing with or go anywhere with. Poor thing! No real friends. I also stopped him from partying (yes at 48 he still wanted to party!) although I frequently went solo to parties that we were invited to as a couple. I also stopped him from doing anything he liked to do but couldn’t name anything much more than fishing and boating as things he liked to do. Spent all weekend in bed looking at TV and in his PJs and stupid me brought him his meals on a tray to the bed. I enabled! He only wanted to travel if it meant doing it in a boat to small Caribbean islands. And apparently it was rubbish that I wanted to go to Europe and visit museums and go to the theatre and go sight seeing. A better life must be around the corner.
sephage, you can take me on a press trip anytime and I won’t mind who paid for it :). Plenty of honest women on this blog. My ex told me he never loved me, he just wanted a safe place to live – I think it might have been one of the few times he told the truth. Oh, and in the end he told me I was controlling and had abused him for 17 years. It’s all just blame shifting and gaslighting. The further out you get the better you will be, one day you will laugh at some of the things your ex said. I know I do now.
Your story rings true to me: classic revisionism, entitlement and gas-lighting.
I also enabled my cheater to spend us $100K into debt, but she didn’t do it in absolute secret – even though I won many battles (regarding money) I also lost many more and ended up losing the war. I could write many thousands of words describing a multitude of tricks and methods she used to get her way, but in the end, it was 100% my fault for tolerating, enabling.
If I were to do it over again, I would instigate a strict allowance, which probably would have instigated an affair or divorce much sooner.
Buddy, that’s what I now wish about my relationship with my ex. If I had set clear and strict boundaries early on, and not put up with his bullshit and manipulations, we would have ended up at affair and/or separation much much sooner. Would have been a win-win. Less bullshit, for a shorter time!
But of course, I was in love, and I have a chumpy heart, and he was gradual and pretty subtle about his manipulations, which morphed into psychological abuse. I’ve got 20-20 vision I hindsight, is all!
Buddy…….for me, if I were to do it all over again…….I wouldn’t!
Another one here who was chumped into over 100k in debt, not counting a 2nd mortgage and a loan against his whole life insurance policy, none of which I was aware even existed. Oh, and stocks sold but not reported to the IRS, discovered only during an audit a few years later. But I’m crushing his image of himself as a financial-management wizard by using the divorce process to expose his outrageously incompetent financial “management.” In classic disordered fashion, whenever I uncover a new instance of gross incompetence, his response is, “How dare you accuse me of hiding assets from my own family!” I have never once accused him of any such thing and actually don’t believe he’s smart enough to pull it off. Either way, I’ve documented enough evidence to use during negotiations.
There are ABSOLUTELY good women out there that would respect be GRATEFUL for a guy like you. Don’t lose hope.. there is a lady out there for you!
I can only hope to run into one of you chumped guys!! You all sound pretty terrific and interesting with incredible senses of humor. Your ex or STBX wives sound very spoiled and immature! I would be happy to go anywhere and I don’t care how it’s financed! And YES, there are good women out there just as I know there are good men! Keep looking. Hope I find one of you guys from CN!
Well said Roberta!
Sephage, sign me up! Santorini/Crete and South Africa are on my list of travel places (Greenland and Iceland, too. Not just warm places). And to answer your question, the source of the money does not matter. Indeed, linking it up with work travel makes sense, as that means more personal money to spend on the trip as well as other life expenses.
Your STBXW is doing the standard cheater thing, coming up with excuses to justify her behavior.
sephage, a former sweetie and lifelong friend was a reporter. I didn’t get to do any press trips but I met wonderful people, had a great time with him, and grew up a lot. There are plenty of women who would appreciate what you bring to the table. My work allows us to travel abroad with students for only the cost of daily expenses. I think that counts as a great opportunity, especially if it doesn’t come out of family finances. Your STBX is delusional.
Moreover, let me say that I cannot imagine blowing $100K of anyone’s money, even my own, through “financial infidelity” or any other means. (Not sure what that term means, but if she spent it on a Schmoopie, your reaction was surely justified if she remained in one piece and you weren’t arrested. That’s horrific betrayal–it takes most people years to earn that much after taxes. Please don’t blame yourself for reacting normally to her provocations. That’s a typical narcissist ploy: behave in some awful, reprehensible way to gratify self and provoke the partner and then blame the partner. Don’t fall for that!
There’s something seriously wrong with that woman. And trust me–most women are not like that at all. I would say, though, that your chances of finding a good one will probably multiply if you can recognize massive entitlement, lack of empathy, manipulation, and gaslighting when you see it. Buddy’s advice is solid–the key is to see that bad behavior for what it is and refuse to enable it. I think that as with infidelity, massive financial shenanigans should lead to either separation or serious counseling and consequences. That’s not controlling; that’s setting a healthy boundary to protect yourself and the family. That’s also a good argument for setting up bank accounts carefully, having a weekly review of expenditures and balances, and each partner having a separate account for personal expenses. Dumping it all into simple joint accounts and assuming the partner sees things as you do is a recipe for trouble.
Sephage count me in! Hell I’ll help pay for it. Too bad you aren’t given assignments in Nova Scotia, LOL
Sephage…..the only complaint I had when I was in beautiful South Africa, was finding an email from his stripper girlfriend. That made for a lovely rest of the trip!
My ex travelled for work for multiple weeks at a time, to interesting places around the world. A few times, I went with him, since the hotel was already paid (and his airfare), and that is a large part of travel expenses. We paid my way, but I always was so thankful to have such a financially smart way to travel! We sometimes added time at the end or whatever, which was all paid for by us, but being able to reduce our expenses and get to see interesting places around the world on his work trips was such a gift, in my opinion! sephage, as you can see for the comments, not all women share the same view as your ex!
NorthernLight, we were living the same life. Sometimes when I didn’t go with him he would come home & complain how boring the wives of fellow co-workers were. They never ventured out of the hotel without their spouse, never liked the food & were generally afraid of the natives. We never understood why they even came. I will miss that life because my financial situation will never allow travelling of any sort. He wasn’t a cheater then but now all my memories of those fantastic trips are forever tainted.
hurt1, yes, I have a list of places from past trips I enjoyed that I would like to reclaim someday with a future partner or perhaps a friend. These trips were before OW, but the memories of my whole relationship with him are tainted by the explosive ending…. but I won’t be able reclaim any of those places anytime soon either, due to my budget. I hope that your financial situation will improve and allow you to go back and reclaim some of your favorite places someday!
i think it is very very hard to find good people with morals standard and integrety. your wife sounds like a stupid selfish bitch. i am sure you can find anyone better then she was. it wouldnt surprise me if in a few years she goes running back to you when she figures out you are “a great guy”.
good luck to you.
Sephage, I’m a freelancer as well and I know how hard it can be to keep that ball rolling. Forget your ex. There are plenty of nice ladies who will appreciate a man like you.
My ex did, at least job-wise. I am posting below. I got the better deal.
“Would we even date if we met now?” (about 5 months before, she was online wishing me happy birthday “to the love of my life”)
OMG, they really all are the same. I got this one too… He also said “If we didn’t have kids, would we be together”??? And “Maybe it was a mistake to get married”? I wonder if the two kids we had 8 years apart were mistakes too? Later he told me “I am not sorry we had these kids together”.. Well golly gee.. THANKS. LOL
Cheater and I were living together and engaged months before I found out that I was pregnant with our first…
I put off the wedding until we decided to pick it back up, AFTER the birth. I never wanted him or anyone else to be able to say “I only married you/you two only got married because you were pregnant.” I saw it, also, as an opportunity to see if he’d bail/fail as a father, as he’d done twice before (but while his ex-gf and then a fuck buddy were each pregnant, long before the birth.) I wanted him to have a true chance to bail without the complication of divorce also. Simple, straight-forward family court, as opposed to supreme court AND family court, as a worst-case scenario.
Our daughter was almost 8 months old when we had our wedding, and only planned it 2 months beforehand. Engaged in Feb 2004, married Sept. 2005.
He started cheating 4 months after our wedding. It lasted three years and I didn’t know about it. Then, there was a 5-year “break” in the active cheating – we moved – and he started back up again.
Now that I think about it, he has always cheated after I become a stay-at-home again, after a period of me being really successful in something. He’d suggest I stay at home, for the kids (too much childcare $ and then to homeschool – both reasonable things we would discuss practically), and a few months later, he’d startt cheating. I don’t get why. It’s not enough that I leave something I’m good at but he wants the opportunity to rub salt in the wound? He never cheated WHILE I was working or when we were settled in a routine of me staying home… just right after I started staying home and taking care of everything again. It defies sense… he’d pour salt in my soul at the SAME time I was doing the most for him that could possibly be done. ??
Boy oh boy–that sounds a lot like he wanted total control over you. Separating you from a career you were good at, tying you at home with kids and homeschooling, making you and the kids dependent on him and perhaps in his mind “lesser” than you were. So he can then both justify an affair (all she cares about is the kids, she isn’t exciting, whatever) and hold on to that cake you provide (housekeeping, childcare, “taking care of everything.”) My guess is you were manipulated into doing things that had nothing to do with benefitting the family or the kids or you but rather provided a life situation that kept him flush with ego kibbles.
It’s pretty much the opposite… he wasn’t controlling. I did whatever I wanted and I think he hated that. That I could work and everything was fine. Or I could stay home and everything would be fine. I always kept busy and still worked – DO work. I’ve done everything from cleaning houses, making custom vintage clothing, and accounting to graphic design and being a handy [wo]man. Yeah – I plumb shit. 😛 My dad was an oil rigger>electrician>welder>nurse. We built our family home when I was a teenager and I helped him with it, from laying the sills to wiring to laying floors to plumbing to roofing. The family habit is to do it yourself.
He’s very insecure. “Go ahead! Why are you even asking me? You’re going to do whatever you want anyway!” Uh, yeah. I was just kinda hoping to have a conversation about it with you first though, so WE can think it through. He didn’t want to really take stock of situations and figure them out… he’d pick out the most ridiculous thing and say we should do that. lol – um, that’s not going to work for x, y, and z reasons. Then, the above reply. He’s smart… he just didn’t USE his brain. He’d suggest the opposite of sense, just so I’d disagree with him and he could use it as a “She’s so controlling” story.
I don’t think I’ve ever been a SAHM and not had an income for more than a few months… sometimes I’d make more at home than he did at work. And downplay it, as usual, so none of that emasculating crap would come into play. He rarely even knew what he made, much less what I made. Checks just went in… he wanted nothing to do with checking statements or paying bills, budgeting, saving, etc., as long as he had money for suits and misc. work attire, lunch, and video games and systems.
His OWs got, at most, a random cup of coffee and a gift card to an art supply store, which I knew about. (Thank you gift to ho-worker for giving him rides while his car was in the shop. HAHA!)
This reminds me they can’t problem solve and all along they are the problem.
So many times I read what the smart, funny, talented people here write and I think these cheaters are truly cracked in the head for not appreciating what they had. CL always says that have crappy life skills. Maybe that sums it all up.
Just wanted to thank everyone for the wonderful replies to my comment! Chump Nation has made me feel mighty! Thanks!!
I crushed his dream of being a rock star. I wanted stability and housework and kids and all of that. (i actually didn’t want kids at the time) I wanted a marriage, which doesn’t neccesarily include kids, but does include stability and housework. All 3 times he sat me down at a local diner to tell me that he just wanted one more year to pursue his rock star dream before he settled for family life…. The fact that I never asked him for ‘family life’ completely escaped him. I was fine with him being in a band and encouraged him to make his music. I did not encourage his groupie habit, but he may have been confusing that with the musical encouragement.
But OW was soo much better at encouraging his band. (blow jobs back stage before they began ‘dating’ will do that, apparently) She was a writer and was going to write press articles for them. To the artwork for the CD covers too!
How’s that working out for him?
He divorced OWife and married #3. (#2 had to get a protection order on him- dodged that mess didn’t I?) Lives 15hrs or so away from his kid with #2 and isn’t in a band at all anymore.
No I don’t stalk his Facebook, but a person still hears things in the right conversations.
I crushed her dream of being 25 years old forever and ever. Being cool and hip and hanging out on the bleeding edge of technology and music and design. Because other than me the fact that she was in her mid-40s with 2 kids and 2 family businesses and chronic migraines and high blood pressure and graying hair and carrying more than a few extra pounds never would’ve gotten in the way of that reasonable dream, right?
Oh, and the dream of her endless eating of cake. I killed that dream, too.
Aww, Nomar, you stole my answer!
I also evidently stole his dream of being a minimum wage dock worker at a department store his entire life because, selfish bitch that I am, I allowed him to work his way thru the cutthroat restaurant business & learn sommelier & management skills without a college degree and takin years of unpaid “employment” as a sort of journeymanship. Oh, and then, to top it all off? I bought him a third share into his very own wine bistro. Am I the devil or what? Good thing he gets a do-over from his newly purchased… umm, Exalted! position to fall right into 25yo pussy and re-become a 25yo, himself. Cue the skateboard!
^AND Diesel jeans…let’s not be silly and forget…
Yes, the Diesel jeans…and the 22-year olds, the endless supply of 22-year olds……
My ex massively resented me for stopping him being debt. I told him from the start unless he got a handle on his money the relationship was over. He was virtually bankrupt when we met, was barely covering his rented room. I paid off some payday loans for him that were spiralling out of control. Bought us a nice house to live in, furnished it and funded nice holidays. He liked to showboat his fabulous life to people (provided by me) But all he wanted to do was be penniless.
Caught him cheating with the secretary while I was pregnant so chucked him out. He’s now back living in a bedsit wracking up debts and filling bar and pub tills with borrowed money. Glad he finally got to peruse his dream, what a loser!
I was supposed to put him through college. Just before DD I was finishing up putting myself through nursing school, and studying for my state boards, all the while working full time nights. That was when he decided to come clean about his girlfriend. Looking back, I’m sure he wanted to sabotage me passing the exam for my license. It meant I could support my kids independently if necessary.
I paid for my entire education myself while he was collecting money from his parents, supposedly for my education. I’m pretty sure Schmoopie got that cash in some way, shape or form. Of course I had no idea he was shaking his parents down for money til later when the detective who was I was giving a statement to told me his parents were claiming that they paid for my education.
Anyway, he believed that he was owed a college education, because I had gone to school while married to him. Note, I had already put him through trade school once, but no, I had to fund his dream to be a college graduate. After all, he had allowed me to achieve my dream of being a nurse. I owed him, big time according to him, and I cheated him, because he was so supportive, don’t cha know.
As to where he wound up, well, six feet under, due to his own actions.
Looking back, I’m sure he wanted to sabotage me passing the exam for my license. It meant I could support my kids independently if necessary.
It also meant that he would have to feel inferior to you. Cowards are like that–rather than rise to a higher level, through ambition and hard work to accomplish an honorable goal, they prefer to pull you down to their level. They hate successful people–they fear those who have integrity and strength.
Go on with your bad self, Tessie!
As soon as I earned my degree and was making a good salary he suddenly wanted to control my money. I was always independent and suddenly he was attached at the hip.
Well I guess I’m a little different in that the only dream I crushed of now XH is that he had always dreamed of meeting his soulmate. Yet, it took 22 yrs for him to realize that I wasn’t the one. He even acknowledged that all his other dreams had been met, at a very young age, with me as his partner and both of us working as a team to obtain.
You thought you were a team, spiritwoman, but you were the support staff for HIS life and dreams, his general magnificence.
This was the part that broke my heart, in the end; all the good and caring and supportive things I did, all the bending over backwards to help him be happy and realize his ambitions, I did because I thought we were a team. Turns out there was no team, no partnership, no reciprocation. There was only HIM, in his mind, and the support staff. well, they’re handy to have around, ya know.
Me, too. I was thinking earlier today how I wish I had known I was still auditioning for the role of wife all those 16 years — I wouldn’t have given him so much. I thought it was all an investment in Us, Our Future.
No kidding? My Dad is a chump. My Mom met her soulmate while married to my dad for 20+years. Unfortunately the soulmate lives in Israel (although she is sure that he secretly pines for her over his own wife) so my Mom gets to emotionally torture my Dad for his shortcomings… and it is pretty twisted, when my overweight, two-faced, older mother still flirts and hangs on Other men.
Please, please, please divorce someone if you simply cannot love them, the alternative is humiliating for the grown children. (dirty, sick family secret because who wants to look at their mommy as totally unrealistic?)
LittleLady, yes it was a life long embarrassment for my children growing up with a cheating father. You don’t have to tolerate this in your adult life. My adult children and I discuss setting boundaries with the disordered father and I have become the model of positive new beginnings in their life. We are surprisingly thriving without the toxic influence. Every family get together is an authentic memory without drama. They still love him because he is their father. The difference is they see him as a serial cheating character disordered parent.
Team? That’s what I thought when I was paying all of his bills from before US and all of the medical bills and bills in general and trips for he and his child that this was for the family unit. Silly Chump, he said that these were gifts as he “never asked for them”. WTF, Gifts? I thought being part of a unit, a team was looking out for the needs of each other and the family unit. An investment in the commitment of our life.
I crushed his dream of being happy. His other ex wife crushed his dream of being a professional hockey player. Sometimes it’s too late when you start seeing the red flags.
My Ex was saying that I never paid attention to him about his work, and that I would not know any of his coworkers names… He got an award for officer of the year, I bought a bottle of Champagne to celabrate!! I guess I am so boring and I am not interested…
Now his smoopie is getting divorced. I am starting to see a trend in what him and his mom are saying to my daughters!! The fraze” what ever makes you happy, life is too short is beeing thrown around a lotI in all kinds of different circumstances. They are trying to brainwash my kids so I am sure down the line ex will say to the girls: she makes me happy, you want me to be happy don’t you girls? She is part of my life now!!eat the shit sandwitch and be happy for me!!!
Sorry I just upset and mad this morning!!!
Wow33, OMG! I got the “she makes me happy” crap too! I told him right then that if he had to look to somebody else for his happiness then his view of life was flawed and he needed to look for happiness within himself! I told him he will probably never find the happiness he is chasing. It just shows how screwed up he is!
They are all fools, he said his 30 year younger ho worker was a joy to be with, unlike me. Poor sausage. I have two adopted kids with mental health problems. Two dead parents, two dead friends, two seriously disabled friends, made redundant and a suicidal teenager. I was also trying to overcome his lies and cheating with OW. Might have been a bit down don’t you think.
Ho worker is a Chinese national. After a visa I assume. But of course they are soul mates.
Well buddy the house is now in my name as are most of the assets so sue me in a court of law, go and see my lawyer.
Roberta, I too earnestly tried to explain something along these lines to my ex right after dday because I knew that if he continued thinking the way he was and making choices based on that, he would NEVER find what he was looking for. But it was hopeless. He was sure he was right, and, of course, I was probably the least likely person he would have listened to anyways because he probably figured anything I said, no matter how calmly I put it, was just because I was a “scorned wife.” I don’t think he listened to to anyone else who tried to question him either. Now, however, I think he might be getting what I was trying to tell him back then (based on how things are going in his life), but I doubt he even remembers me trying to explain any if it anyways. He was too much in la-la land at the time…
I’m the dream crusher, it’s me.
He was in a very prestigious university when we met but when sent to anger management for raging at his family, he told everyone there that his dream was really to drive a bulldozer and I made him take a professional route in life that he didn’t want.
He had a military career that went OK, but he was not promoted to the rank that others who graduated from said prestigious school normally attain. Folks – whose fault was it that he didn’t attain rank? Oh yes it was me. This is where the “poor sausage, I cant cope with this devastation” opened the door to him getting kibbles from howorkers and the affairs started.
At about this time, I was told that it was my fault that I ruined his chance to be a professional mountain climber. I also fully failed at my role as mother because I only had 3 babies with him…he really wanted 7. I never figured out how a professional mountain climber was going to raise 7 kids, but that is just my chronically silly self.
At about this time, I also learned that I prevented him (somehow) from ever learning to play the guitar, so in a moment that was actually a swirly dip in the “pick me” dance, I bought him a guitar which he never learned to play.
He ran off to take a super cool job (which unfortunately fed into his narc delusion that he had a special God given right to ONLY ever have a really cool and fun job) he eventually returned home but the super cool job ended.
I paid the bills and attempted to engage him in budget conversations resulted i him being convinced that I was the negative force in the universe that was trying to get him to do a regular job like everyone else and he resented it deeply. He seemed convinced that if he kept looking he would get a job paying 6 figures to simultaneously sample ice cream and judge wet t-shirt contests (or the like).
In the summer before he died, he told me twice that he was going to again move away for a cool job …the first time, my heart broke all over again…in a sadness that felt like the bomb drop all over again but by the second time, I was numb to it. I desperately wished that he loved me and the kids enough to find contentment doing a normal job in our normal city.
For years I internally denied that he was a narcissist …I used buckets of spackle to cover over the proof that he lived “above” us regular people but since his death I have come to see that his chronic horrible behavior towards me, his affair(s), his blame and his rage were all classic.
unicornomore, what a sad, sad person he was. So sorry that you suffered such heartbreak and disappointment.
Oo, ooo, ooo (raising hand wildly) Pick me! I wanna play!
During false MC, ex says he never wanted his career path (college professor) and particular discipline, he wanted to work for an NGO or some sort of place, overseas.
Apparently I axed an applied job in industry, giving a long list of cons and only a few pros. No recollection of this.
Apparently he only went his particular research track to “get closer to me and have more in common with me.” Uh, huh.
As for living overseas for a time. Again, apparently I would hymn and haw (?right phrase?) whenever he tried to bring it up, so he dropped it.
Reality: he never would have gone to graduate school without my support. He picked the discipline, not me.
As for living overseas and his changing career paths– I made that happen. He took a leave of absence from work for an agency doing overseas work (I stayed home with the kids), I did the push to apply because he was ‘unhappy at work.”
Then I arranged to be on leave from my workplace the following year so we could live overseas as a family.
So, while gone for that year, visiting home every 4-5 weeks–he started the affair with the married OW. Never got to live with the kids overseas, but the winter holiday after the divorce I took the kids to the place we are supposed to live for a two week holiday.
Immediately after the divorce was finalized, he got that dream job overseas. Moved away with OWife, had a baby. He kept that “dream job” for 8 months! Dream job, huh? Now works for the federal government overseas. So, got the overseas part.
While in the midst of it all, it was a bitter pill to swallow– I facilitated his meeting the OW, etc. As I later found out, there were others before, so there would have been someone else, just a matter of time.
And I got the better deal– kids are with me! He wants them to come Live with him and his new family for an academic year, and maybe eventually it will happen, but doubtful. From the court’s perspective, this is their home.
sailing (see also: owning a boat)
getting the band back together, man (OK, I made that one up. The band did not rise to his level of greatness)
becoming a minister
becoming a librarian
being a photographer
note: non-lethal attempts at many of these pursuits were made.
NamedforVera, I hope you had a good trip to visit your daughter. I can only imagine the length of the list of YOUR dreams that he squashed over all those years.
Namedforeva, I think I married your EX’s twin. Could they have been separated at birth?
I crushed many similar dreams (including, apparently, ones he had discarded before he even met me).
professional baseball player (never played past Little League, though I didn’t know that until years into our marriage)
country western singer/songwriter (no music lessons and only the most basic 4 chord guitar skills)
drummer in a rock band (again, with the absence of training and practice)
drummer in a Christian band (he apparently thought Christians would abstain from criticizing his lack of skills–all praise of God was good praise of God, etc. And they’d pay to praise his praise of God.)
professional angler (never saw him catch a fish of any spectacular size)
professional fishing guide (again, lack of experience in the field not with standing)
professional writer (because he deserved a national book tour without writing a book)
Inspirational writer (using his own autobiography–still unwritten– because he had a “Kundalini Awakening” that made him more in tune with universal truth than all but a few humans. Categorize this one under “you can’t make this shit up.”)
minister (non-denominational because his special insights into God and Jesus transcended all established religions)
cartoonist (no training, no unusual artistic skills)
host of radio talk show (no starting locally, no way–he expected his initial pitch to hook him national syndication)
The unifying element of all these dreams is that they required time (he’d have to quit his job, or once he had quit, he couldn’t get a new one because he was “busy” with his more important, non-earning, new “career”) and absolutely all our family resources. Selling our home and moving the family into the cheapest available housing was a completely viable strategy in his mind, and I was a horrible person to veto it. Same with his insistence on using all of our savings to fund a pre-publication book tour for a book he had not yet written. Etc. Etc. Etc. I spent years doing all the parenting and household work to give him time and space to follow his dreams, but somehow it was my “negativity” that torpedoed them. Well, occasionally, he’d blame some other hapless soul for screwing up a tour (i.e. ignoring his cold-call email proposing one) or not printing his cartoons (the first six he’d ever drawn–and they looked as unprofessional as that sounds).
Oh yes, and in all of these dreams he is the shining star, the center of attention, a figure of adoration. He never was interested in the work as much as the idea of being famous, sought-after, and lauded.
And I was an idiot not to bail much, much earlier in the game.
Eilonwy, our ex’s must be twins separated at birth or something, because your ex’s insanity and narcissistic delusions of grandeur sound just like my ex’s. I laughed at the radio talk show host, because my ex had that fantasy as well!
oh, Lordy… the sad thing in the case of Crapweasel is that he really is a very good musician (choral singer), plays adequate guitar, good bass, used to play oboe, could play good piano if he put his heart into it; is a decent photog, if he put his heart into it; is a VERY good actor (see: 25 years of married lies, hah!).
In other words, the basics are there. But like most Narcs, he just would rather find excuses for why he *can’t* than really knuckle down and do something…. what a maroon.
And, dearest daughter is similarly musically gifted. Guess who arranged for teachers, made sure she had good instruments, sewed costumes and shuttled to lessons? Oh, yeah that would be me, the musically illiterate chump.
But, did Dadderino ever sit down and just jam with his daughter? Maybe a total of 5 times in her life, including audition practices (for her.)
And he complained that he didn’t have a good relationship with her…gee, I wonder why? Like I said, what a maroon.
Yes, LittleLady, I had a marvelous visit with her, and she and her feller are coming to the US this summer. Wheee….!
Good for you! I hope your summer visit is all kinds of fun.
I crushed his dreams over and over because I dared to utter the “R” word (reality). He’d rather live in his fantasy world than face the world as it really is.
I questioned his ability to write a sitcom about US government when he is not a US citizen and doesn’t know the workings of the government. Dream crusher.
I had the gall to suggest that him re-publishing all of Shakespeare’s works under the name “Anonymous” would not necessarily make him rich.
He often said he could start a new religion and sadly I think he was right about that. Thank goodness he never saw anything through.
Lol. Who could make this stuff up? … The irony is better than any sitcom.
Re-marketing Shakespeare! I love it! Did he consider laying any claims to gravity or oxygen as well!
ML, he sounds freaking brilliant!
ML, I think about that Shakespeare idea all the time. It’s so F***ing nuts.
He wanted to have a glass of wine at DisneyWorld. I forgot to remind him. Apparently, his entire bucket list is screwed because of that. Smh.
If my spouse forgot to remind me to have a glass of wine while at DisneyWorld, I’d immediately bang Minnie Mouse. Seems fair.
Stop, you’re making me laugh, and I want to wallow in my misery!
All these posts are so hilarious….. I haven’t laughed out loud so much in a long time! Wow. They REALLY are losers, aren’t they.
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were having some marital difficulties, so they went to see a marriage therapist. The therapist sat and listened to them both yelling, then finally said, “Stop, stop. Let me see if I have this straight — Mickey, you say you want a divorce because Minnie is crazy?”
Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she is CRAZY… I said she is fucking Goofy!”
Laughing uncontrollably at my desk —>“I didn’t say she is CRAZY… I said she is fucking Goofy!”
Thanks, Glad! I now need to think of something extremely sad to counter this as I go into a business meeting in 30 minutes.
Go for Cinderella! Last time I was there, she was HOT!!!!
Rofl!! Buddy, where were you when I needed that witty retort? That would have left him speechless! Love it
And SDChump….fucking goofy….bahahahaha
Because I am the negative party pooper that I am let me list the things that XH has lamented over during our time together.
– not being financially free and easy, being in a relationship puts a dent in you expenditure.
– not being able to breast feed our children ( I kid you not ) eewweew
– not being able to go skiing when the mood suited him.
– not being recognised for his brilliance as a muso.
– not being recognised for his brilliance in the work place (at any of the 20+ jobs over the past 20 years)
– not being respected as the head of the house.
– not being respected around the house as if every little thing he did was pure gold. Because he was not raised to work like a real man he was raised special. (Soft) He didn’t do sport he played piano.
– always having to ensure he was given the seat at the head of the table.
– being forced to eat onion and peas.
– not being able to buy his dream home by taking out a bridging loan because I refused to sign the papers because I did not trust he would stay in his job. (And I was correct)
– not being supported in his desire to reduce his paid income so he could return to being a student at age 41 to become a teacher, studying part time which meant he would graduate at age 50 with a massive debt (which took me by surprise as he showed no desire to teach in any capacity over the years not even our own children how to play the piano despite our daughters many requests and his ability to do so)
– and that I had independent thought, a free will, a sense of right and wrong and vagina, which is not his pref considering his choice of extra marital activity.
Yep I’m a ball busting dream crusher, I am just ask my XH.
Do you know how many people would thank heaven for the chance to eat onions and peas? My goodness, what a dolt.
did you just say that HE wanted to breast feed your children? weird jealousy. My H#1 was jealous of my breastfeeing our daughter and he bought a goat, that he would milk everyday. Then he would insist the goat milk was better for our baby than mine. There’s no end to their narckery.
OMGosh! TheMuse…….is this really true?!!!! Wow, Wow, Wow!!
It is completely and totally 100% true. I sure know how to pick em. Two in a row. 10 years with goat Dad; divorced, then two years single, then hooked up with Super Narc for another 16 year sentence. Goat dad was jealous of my motherhood. I had two natural births after a c section. Nursed all three kids. I was (and still am, though they are adults now) a super Mom.
TheMuse…….Oh yes you are a SUPER mom!!!
Muse, I am laughing and crying at the same time. That goat story is shocking. And utterly bizarre. Goat Dad.
HAHAH Thwart my STBX’s ambition? He never had any. He just needed me to “come up” in the world. Lameazzzz! I gave him a dream I guess. He didn’t have jack when he met me! But he does love helping poor, helpless, single nymphomania women with their “problems”! He can have at it!!!!
I “MADE” him sell his corn planter. I’m see he’d be secretary of agriculture my now….
Now that’s just cruel!
Not divorced, yet… but yes, I am the source of all my H’s grief. We got married too young, we have nothing in common, I am not exciting enough, spontaneous enough, I’m too tight with money, too emotional, too anxious, I don’t wear the right clothes, the right shoes. I worry too much about the kids, we don’t do enough “Fun” stuff… we don’t have enough sex (too busy with kids, job, life). I’m boring, I don’t appreciate him, love him enough- see, he’s a “giver” and I am a “taker”.. this is his world view. It’s all about MEEEEEEEEEE. Dios Mio!
Yes, discussing TV shows with the childless whore is a lot more FUN. She has no little people to take care of, they aren’t paying BILLS together, they can have unlimited conversations about “stupid stuff” (his words). She’s not doing his laundry, making his meals, picking up his fucking clothes off the floor, dealing with this procrastination- there are no real life problems like stomach viruses, putting a cranky toddler to bed every night.. dealing with a preteen… it’s all fun and games in Magic Pixie Dust Land!
GAG GAG GAG
Do I think this stupid whore will want him once he’s “free and clear”?? I doubt it. Not for long. I’ve lived with him, she doesn’t know him like I do. Good Luck, Sucka!
OMG newchumpatl, THIS!!! Exactly.
I had been married for 25 years, together for 29 when Mr. Hanecita realized that I had been killing his dreams. Although he could never express it to me directly, his soulmate schmoopie sent me an amusing letter identifying my transgression. And I quote:
“And do make sure that you destroy what remaining dreams of his he has, such as poker. I understand that you are a pro in that department, be we all have to be good at something, don’t we. ”
Despite the fact that our family had made 7 major geographic moves for his profession, (he was an architect,) his real true calling in life was…..POKER (Poke-her?) He fancied himself skilled enough to parlay up some on-line poker wins to attend a Las Vegas tournament and spend the rest of his days as a card shark. And mean old me, having already picked up and moved to accomodate his profession had not realized that his true destiny was contained in a deck of 52 playing cards in a Las Vegas casino, accompanied by his Soulmate Schmoopie who would gaze adoringly upon his countenance.
hanecita, your ex wins the prize! That’s hilarious that you crushed his dreams in poker.
YOU win the “poke-her” prize today, how could you crush his dreams like that? LOL
I took an online course in dream crushing…so I could be ‘good at it’.
And your Ex wins the ‘least likely to succeed’ OW award.
Crushed her SAHM dream…wait…she didn’t want to have to commit “career suicide”…but she and the fictitious kid would starve if she had a child because she thought I would let them. She could not have been more wrong about me. PTL…today I have a REAL child and am married to a faithful woman that I support quite well, thank you.
Oh, forgot the dream of reliving her dating days…she didn’t want to be “trapped” in our marriage. Well, she is no longer trapped. But last contact was confused as to why the “trap” was released….I explained the confusion is hers as I am not confused–cheating and abandoning your husband killed the “trap.” She is now free to live her “dream.”
DM…….my thoughts to your saying ‘because she thought I would let them’ starve. Just throwing bullshit your way in hopes to make you believe that she really thought this. Sure hope you didn’t!
I knew it was a lie. But it still hurt at the time. She and her family/cohorts chose to kick me while I was down. I am no longer as vulnerable as I was at that time professionally or financially. It was a time of transition for me to get launched in my career field. Lots of disappointments following seminary graduation, and they essentially pressured me to surrender my call/vocation. Glad I did not give into their pressure. Now, I am with a woman who actually supports and values me plus my call. My xW was not worthy to be my Mrs. 😉
Babe you forgot that her ambition of having her affair kept secret was completely destroyed. Your blog is ringing loud and clear and she couldn’t stop it. Edit the blog to say that she DIDN’T introduce her parents to her affair partner? Edit it to say that she didn’t have an affair? Not a chance. They didn’t know at the time he was the affair partner, but she still introduced them. And lady-Ex, you had it in writing who it was that you were sexually active with other than your husband. BUSTED. Take that ambitions!
i apparently stopped him from being a 60 year old stud (in our 22nd year of marriage)
he actually achieved all his career and financial goals with me. but that was during the deify stage (i was so wise and amazing! read “useful”). the devalue stage appears to have been gradual (and hidden) because my kibbles were being disperesed among our children, familieis, and full time job responsibilities.
what’s it like for cheater now?
the discard stage is blissful! never been happier! he wants to renegotiate the signed and decreed property settlement because he agreed to it when he was in such a bad state (read: got caught). his adulteress is almost divorced now! they “dated” respectfully for 2 years after our family was destroyed! her kids are thrilled for her (after all, it is her former therapist…). they are about to move in together! that should be fun!
what’s it like for me now?
despite my exclamation points, i am actually Meh most of the time now. thank God. and thanks CL and chump nation.
it still baffles me that a sordid secret 4-year adulterous affair, that leveled me (for a time) and a daughter, could lead to bliss of any type. but then again, i am not a cheater…
I held my cheater back from the adventurous life of anthropology, archeology and international treasure hunting. Yep. If it weren’t for me, he would have been the next Indiana Jones.
I reality he should be happy with you. His face could’ve melted off.
Indiana Jones is a pothunter. You saved him from prison.
Sign me up! I loved Santorini and South Africa is on my bucket list!
Man, did we all end up with the wrong people or what? 10 months ago, those words never would have crossed my lips.
I kinda miss my naive world where “all you need is love” to get over the bumpy parts… but as my therapist tells me, I will NEVER tolerate that shit again! I actually pity the man who takes me on my first date LOL. At 41 I guess I’ve finally joined the real world.
I am looking forward to travelling to places that I know my stbx would not have wanted to go.
I really enjoy the real world. STBX thinks “real world” are dirty words.
StillStunned…….I would love to do a CN group trip someplace! What a great time it would be! Who can get the ball rolling on this one?
I am in 🙂
IHaveHate–KarmaExpress, Jayne, and I are doing an international chumps abroad trip this summer, second half of July. I was going to post something in the forums in a week or two, but if any part of it–U.K. (London, York, Edinburgh), France (Paris), Sweden (Stockholm)–sounds appealing, shoot me an email: [email protected]
And any international chumps in those areas–we’d love to meet up for coffee, lunch, or a pint (email me)
And I’m also going to be in the Netherlands in the first week of August, if anyone is interested in meeting up. (DutchChump, where are you?/jij?) Email Tempest for details.
I already contacted Tempest on the address above. I’m in the Amsterdam area!
and a few chumps will be in Austin for ACL festival, second weekend, Oct 9-11 (email me about that, too).
I really don’t know. He did everything he wanted and I supported it. But he wasn’t happy and it was my fault. He was another that never wanted to do much of anything or go anywhere unless it involved sports. I guess I crushed his dream of sitting in front of the TV or sports 24/7? I don’t know. He went on destination sports vacations and didn’t enjoy that either. He insisted working graveyard shift through out our whole marriage because he didn’t want to get up early. I hated it because he never slept and was grouchy all the time but I never gave him shit over it. He blamed me for being too noisy and keeping him awake. If I ran the damn mixer to make him a cake or something I heard about it. I don’t know how many times we’d go out and would have to come home early because he was falling asleep. Never gave him shit. I gave him credit for working hard, etc. I honestly wonder if lack of sleep did something to his brain. He was never the same after starting that shift. It was sort of like living with a zombie.
Lina, I too lived with a limited cheater. X had one interest sex, porn and whores. When my mother and father needed my attention X bailed. Looking back I started putting up boundaries in out relationship. X was a slug at home and I was bored with his health complaints and inability to enjoy life. I told him he was boring. Little did I know X had so many addictions and was dating for years. The bad back and dr visits was from having sex with his pickups. Cheap asshole couldn’t afford dinner because he spent thousands on hotels and girlfriends for years. Yes they are tired. That’s from leading a double life. X was never good in bed. Not my problem anymore. Finally!!
It was when my Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I became his full time caregiver that mine bailed. Because I wasn’t able to work as many hours anymore. He really resented that and then said I was “all about the money” when he left. I was stressed out and caught in the middle. My sister never lifted a finger to help me. In the thick of the emotional abuse and discard I started having panic attacks so I guess I wasn’t fun anymore. Bad in bed: yes! ED and then nada. Wouldn’t discuss it or see a doctor. My fault too! I had to have a hysterectomy due to ovarian cancer so I guess that’s why. I used to suggest he see a doctor for his sleep deprivation. I don’t think he realises the toll that it takes on health and relationships. No that was my fault too. Walking on eggshells and accused of waking him up all the time. I couldn’t even use the computer. Wouldn’t consider that maybe his body clock was messed up. I was out of the house as much as possible because I couldn’t do anything because of the noise. I had to use my sewing machine up at my Dad’s because it woke him. He had numerous chances to go on days over the years and much as I wanted to ask him to I didn’t because I knew he wanted to do nights. Sorry for the rant but it was all so frustrating. I tried to do so much to support him and he walks on me at 56 years old. OW coincidentally works with him on the same shift. I’m sure she “understands him”.
We’ve been separated almost a year, and as the days go by, apparently I suck even more than he knew and limited his life in ways that he is still figuring out. He is a successful professional, but anything that goes wrong at work can be traced back to me, even though we have been separated almost a year, and I had no involvement with his work at any point in our life. He wanted to run for political office, but alas….I would not have wanted to be a politician’s wife. He wanted to be involved with the space program ( yes…NASA), but I would have thought that wasn’t a realistic or stable job with a wife and 4 kids. He couldn’t do any of his hobbies that he wanted to do, including building tube amplifiers and practicing guitar, and hours and hours of TV and movies . When I pointed out that he does what he wants to do and I didn’t even attempt to set any limits on those things or what he does with his free time? then it was “well, you didn’t support my hobbies”…apparently i needed to watch him build tube amplifiers and practice guitar and watch TV with him and cheer him on in these endeavors, he couldn’t just quietly go and do his thing. He really wanted to live on the East Coast, but alas, had to settle for the Midwest because I wanted to be in driving distance of our families…..which we talked about before we got married and I thought he happily agreed to until I heard this 20 years into our marriage. Oh, and did I mention Space? He always wanted to be one of those people that paid big bucks to go into space, like to settle on Mars or something, perhaps never to return…..I’m hearing this for the first time recently, and it’s all my fault that he couldn’t do that. And he would exercise, if only he hadn’t had to” spend so much time with you and the kids, there’s only so many hours in the day, you know.”
The kids are off to college and beyond, he lives alone, has NO responsibilities other than work…..and he’s still NOT exercising. Oh…and if only I didn’t suck so much ( I’m paraphrasing, but not much), he could have stayed married to me.We wouldn’t have to be separating and divorcing. I made the mistake of asking him what I was supposed to have done, and he said I “didn’t commit to intensive therapy to choose different feelings when he behaves in ways that don’t work for me (like lying, secrets, “flirting”, and planning trips to Africa with the kids and not even letting me know about it when I thought we were married and doing okay), because hey, that’s just who he is and I don’t accept him for who he is.” I stifled his sense of humor, because I didn’t laugh at things that were “funny.”… like ball and chain marriage jokes or junior high potty humor, or sexual innuendo, and even worse, do you have any idea how he feels when I would leave the room rather than listen?I would be writing all day, but off to our son’s graduation, trying to focus on the joy and my son, and ignore the dread about having to spend any time with him. CL, are you sure we can’t just buy “meh” pills somewhere? Anywhere? I really need some strength today.
You have been through a lot. You can have my patronus army today. 🙂 Especially the gardening shears… That sucker needs some major mental pruning.
” I stifled his sense of humor, because I didn’t laugh at things that were “funny.”… like ball and chain marriage jokes or junior high potty humor, or sexual innuendo, and even worse, do you have any idea how he feels when I would leave the room rather than listen?”
Oh YES, this ^^^^^^ !!!!
He STILL keeps me from seeing his Facebook page because he “doesn’t want everything [I] post to be scrutinized or questioned…” Well, shit, dude!!! Forgive me for not LOL-ing your stupid-ass posts — you’re fucking 37-years-old not 17!!! Idiot, I swear!!!
Thank God for CN, I’m really getting to vent and feel that I am not alone is this shit sandwich right now!!!
findingmyself, He’s a disordered asshole. And even a layperson such as myself can see that. Your handle here really shows the difference between you and him–you are “finding yourself.” He has no self and thus has to blame someone (you, evidently) for his black hole of suckitude.
Congratulations to you and your son on his big day, and I hope you made it through with minimal heartache.
Hello fellow Chumps, my name is Portia, and I am a dream killer. I was merciless while I worked two jobs, raised the kids, paid all the bills and kept the house. I even did all the shopping and cooked meals. I put up with his crazy family. I even had stress in my own job(s)! Imagine the horror I put him through. I am heartless, and cold. When I found out about the infidelities, I didn’t even forgive him for being under so much stress from not working a real job which actually brought income into the household, that he had to seek “relief” from OW. I also didn’t want to have sex with him anymore, so I went from being “hot” to “frigid”. Maybe I suddenly became a lesbian, or was attracted to another man? It couldn’t have been a reaction to anything he had done. It was all because I am such a bitch.
Oh yeah. I feel SO much better now.
I am sure he had countless other dreams that I somehow ruined by not being supportive enough. Shame there are only 24 hours in the day! I could have found a third job and been more supportive if only I had believed in him enough to somehow summon some extra energy and not go insane.
Yes, it was clearly ALL MY FAULT !!!!!
Clearly, you were not meeting his EMOTIONAL needs.
Remember, some cheaters are timid forest creatures, I quote CL: “Just one wrong move and… poof! They’ll scurry off into the underbrush and leave you.”
He would be more like the proverbial bear in the woods, you know what they go to the woods to do, don’t you?
i do 🙂
Portia, your words described my first twenty years living with X asshole. Unfortunately I stayed and forgave. The next 16 years were pure hell as I started working full time after getting a degree and a profession. The narcissist upped the anti and became so intimidated he lived to torture. The less control he perceived turned into blatant entitlement. I took a position away from home and rented a cottage where I lived during the work week. My only contact was on the weekends. I dreaded coming home to his abuse. X was outraged at any happiness I found in life. If I smiled he looked at me with hatred. When I was alone I never missed him. When I threw him out he was narc shocked. The look on his face after he signed the divorce agreement was pure disbelief no doubt that he lost his supply. Now I laugh sing smile and prefer being alone full time. It took a full year to detox from his control. At this point in my life I am developing my narc free identity and love life and freedom.
Donna, you are a real inspiration!
I prevented him from having children – as I’m being told by various people. Never mind that he was the one that always said he didn’t want them. I’m not sure if I had a fertility issue, he never wanted to explore having kids. He left for OW and served me with divorce papers the day before my 43 birthday. OW is 10 years younger than I, so maybe she’ll carry his precious seed.
Also, and this is really tragic, I “made” him come home after he ran marathons! Mind you, the a-hole would give me a list of things he wanted me to cook for him (all from scratch!) when he got home to celebrate his achievement. At bomb drop he told me that he didn’t like having to rush home after the races and wanted to stay for the awards ceremony. I guess personal chefs, I mean wives, are demanding that way. He runs plenty of marathons now. OW is typically right there with him running half marathons. So, I guess he can stay for the awards. (Not like he receives any, unless he does a small town marathon. He can’t seem to qualify for Boston after 35 marathons – I’m sure it’s my fault somehow). BTW, thanks to him and his abuse, I finished my first half marathon last weekend at the age of 44. He told me I could never do it – I guess only him and OW were special.
Finally, I prevented him from his dream of living a rural life. Mind you, we met while working in Las Vegas. We moved to another desert community after we married. I made him live in an upscale neighborhood with an HOA! What he really wanted was no neighbors and the freedom to live the life he grew up with when he was a child in rural Oregon. Now, he owns a home in the desert off of the interstate. He has a horse property – no horses, he’s afraid of those! He’s got neighbors down the road that park big rig trailers in their yards and some that have land that they put double wides on. Not exactly the upscale town or community we lived in. My friend sees his area on the news all the time for meth raids and flooding.
LOL Cindy. My ex also moved to an even more rural place after we split. I hear it’s an hour to the nearest grocery store. I moved to town and now have lots of friends to do things with.
Yay Lyn! That’s so wonderful for you! I live in a friend’s guest home. She live in another state until they retire. She lets me liver here for free. It’s behind a gorgeous mansion. I love it when things go well for those of us that played by the rules!
Goodness! A glass of wine and lives becomes liver! And lives becomes live!
I should also add that this happened so fast that it was a blessing to have a chance to figure stuff out. I would have over-purchased had I bought after he dropped his bomb on me. This time in my friends lux guest house is so very special to me.
Best to you!
That’s wonderful you have such a great place to stay during this time! What a kind friend! I wish you the best in your re-building process….
Thank you! Yes, even though this is a horrendous situation, I still feel incredibly blessed by the good people that are in my life. 🙂
Ha ha ha! Yes Cindy that reminds me…. I didn’t want any more children. I wouldn’t adopt. I had two children from a previous marriage and tied my tubes and didn’t want any more, certainly not with him, he had abandoned three of his children from two previous relationships! A bad risk but I was none the less blamed for taking away his happiness by not having another child. I made it clear when we got together 17 years ago that I didn’t want any more children. Really??? Wouldn’t have stopped him from cheating on me. And this was a man who was so self centered that he would have failed miserably as a father.
All of these dreams that we thwarted were never discussed prior to discovery of the affair or “ILYBINILWY”. They are nothing more than feeble attempt to justify their shitty actions. I’m owning none of it. Why does this become an issue now? When I’m mid 40s? Never an issue in my 20s or 30s. Cause it’s bs. Oh, and only after you picked up a whore 10 years younger than me.
My friends that have kids hope that he and the whore procreate. He will be miserable being tethered to that controlling bitch for life. His narcissistic life style will never be the same – it won’t always be about him.
I was thwarting his social life because I don’t do cocaine. He had to wait till I wasn’t gonna stay overnight to have those parties.
I suppose that is a good one for the “red flag” list going forward.
I crushed his dream of being a restaurant owner (which is how he saw it, even though he would have only been an investor). He wanted to invest $50,000 with some shady guy he met through a friend. We met with the guy to hear his sales pitch, and I immediately got a bad vibe, not to mention that 90% of restaurants fail in the first year, or whatever the statistic is. After the meeting, I said, “no way,” and he was furious. But he planned to take the $50,000 out of his retirement, and I pointed out that since we were married, it was really “our” retirement. Luckily, the deal fell through, but a year later, the guy came back around with a special opportunity, we could buy in for only $10,000. Cheater leapt on the opportunity without telling me. And you can guess how this story ends. But at least we only lost $10k instead of $50k.
Oh, and I repeatedly crushed his dream of owning his own business by insisting that he do market research and write up a business plan before we plowed money into anything. Because he is so special, there is no need for any type of reality to intrude into his fantasyland. So, of course, all of his brilliant business ideas are still just that, ideas. If I had been TRULY supportive, I would have done all the grunt work for him, and blindly invested my inheritance so that he could realize his dreams! But like many here, I am just too negative!!
Well, there is a long list of dreams I crushed for the cheating XH. First, I crushed his manhood by having two beautiful girls (not boys). After all, with all my wisdom, knew exactly how to ensure my children would only carry X chromosomes. Secondly, I denied him his wild sexual fantasies. He never told me exactly what those fantasies were but evidently I should have known if I was truly paying attention solely on him. Thirdly, his dreams of becoming a best selling author were dashed when not one agent showed any interest. I did make a small effort but doing all of the work to self publish (a full six months of full time work), but it was not enough. Too many more crushed dreams to mention. However, since I worked, raised two kids, took care of the pets, cleaned and maintained the home, took care of the finances and basically made his life simple – I apparently had time to crush his dreams of becoming a professional golfer. I guess playing golf every weekend was not enough practice to make the PGA.
WOW.. just WOW.
Um, he does know that he supplied the second X chromosome, right?
Shades of Henry VIII.
I think an Esther Perel quote is in order here. Let us turn to book 5 of the cheater’s guidebook:
“The lamentations I hear most include feelings of loneliness and emotional deprivation from your wife giving you girls instead of boys. There comes a point when one no longer can tolerate feeling devalued and taken for granted and not given more time to play golf. Lack of attention and the sense of having become a function, a wanna-be best-selling author, rather than a person, who doesn’t even have to clean or work or pay bills, can instigate a wish for escape. Sexual boredom when your wife wears the wrong costume to bed can lead to what Steven Mitchell dubs “acts of exuberant defiance.”
(disclaimer: quote bungled a bit during cut and paste – my bad)
Lol. Esther Perel my Ex… Please!
He didn’t want banana bread one day (it was warm when he got off work); he didn’t want me to go to my sister’s wedding; he didn’t like that I got a political bumper sticker before the primaries; he wanted to ride his motorcycle without a helmet (dang it that I ever cared); he felt insecure because I might leave him if he were to pick up smoking (I just wrinkled my forehead instead of reassuring him); oh, and I didn’t seem to appreciate his superiority (guy was a bigot, racist who hated diversity)… Seriously would tremble in fear if a black man entered the room.
Lawdy, he is doomed.
LittleLady…….a real chicken shit just like mine who leaned inside his car because late at night in front of my house a group of teenage boys stopped and asked where my son was. WOW! What a coward……..many other cowardly things occurred as well.
Oh yea, petrified of my 80+ year old father. (my dad hated him from day 1). Shoulda looked into that a little more!
Buddy, that cracked me up!
Perhaps mad-libs using RIC and Perel texts as the base would be pretty funny.
Since you did not ____________, your spouse then had sex with _________________ in the back of a ___________________.. You did not _____________ your spouse’s emotional ________________.
Buddy, you are on a roll today!!
On a roll perhaps, but way off topic as I usually am because someone will write something that triggers something where that something isn’t on topic.
But I guess that’s why we are here: to indulge just a tad in our stories and share our stories and learn. Did I say indulge?
I am very, very lucky that no one but ex’s new supply believes his bullshit. And who am I to judge them? I was new supply once.
In the case of Cold Slab O’Meat, it is not just me but an ensemble cast of Mene Wadies who have wuined his liiiiife. The boring early wife he left to screw his married business partner. The married business partner who he fucked through his 20’s till the business failed. The single mom in the US that he promised the moon to, made a baby with and promptly used financially to spend 20 hours a day on World of Warcraft. The single mom he met on World of Warcraft and used to have a soft landing from Wife #2 and maintain his Green Card. And yes, dumb me. Who knew very little of this, only the gaslight edition.
And so after being the GREATEST LOVE EVER!!!! for several years, I was also demoted to Mene Wady status. I held him back from having friends (despite his having only 2 friends in 13 years in the US). I made him feel bad because I had friends. I held him back from promotions at work by suggesting he actually fulfill goals in his yearly reviews and wear tucked in ironed shirts to interviews. I made him feel less than smart by being smart. When I would do things with friends, he was deeply resentful. When he would be invited to play cards or go out with guys from work, he would refuse and call his coworkers nerds and inferior. Say he was looking for a better class of friends. which never arrived. That was my fault too. Because my friends were smart and nerds.
When we first started dating, we had similar salaries. He caught me at a setpoint where my income was rising steadily- his had been the same for a while. Mine continued to rise, until I was making 50% more than he was, and he hadn’t had a raise in a few years due to lackluster performance reviews, particularly during the Great WoW binge of 2009-2011. While Slabbo was glad to spend my money, it was also Not Fair. He HAD to reclaim his stolen manhood by spending our income tax return on Schmoopie and himself! I used 1/3 of it, To pay off debt and hire an estate lawyer since my mother never left a will.
See, that’s fair! i make 60% of the money, and I get 1/3 of the income tax to spend on dumb shit like debt. He gets 1/3 to spend at Disney World. aand Schmoopie gets 1/3 to spend on Specialty Whore Needs.
Because when you aren’t doing well at work and your supervisor suspects you of the kind of mediocrity that just isn’t acceptable for an exceptional 47 year old on the cusp of greatness, you’ve just gotta reach for that brass ring attached to the ear of the skankiest, stupidest entry level single mother co worker battling lawsuits and evictions you can find. And stick your penis in her. And call her Merry Miss Sunshine. And cry to her about Mene Wadies. Including your wife and boss, who don’t much appreciate the whole sticking your penis in the coworker thing.
Call me Chief Mene Wady. Destroyer of Worlds.
Because when you aren’t doing well at work and your supervisor suspects you of the kind of mediocrity that just isn’t acceptable for an exceptional 47 year old on the cusp of greatness, you’ve just gotta reach for that brass ring attached to the ear of the skankiest, stupidest entry level single mother co worker battling lawsuits and evictions you can find
OMG.. that made my morning!! Why is it that they always affair DOWN??? ROTFLMAO
You hush! She was 20 lbs lighter than me. Never mind that Slabbo was 150 pounds heavier than me. And she was always cheerful, and made him feel SPECIAL every day! By waving her Magic Thumbs over phone buttons, and spreading her Magical Knees at lunch. Until she didn’t, Sweet Schmoopie Forever or Three Months. And then she was gone. Demoted to the Mene Wady Corp probably for the crime of having a thought that didn’t serve the grail of Slabbo’s Omniscient Happiness.
ROTFLMAO. My H’s whore is a definite step down. If nothing else, she is a married woman chasing another woman’s man. A man who has two children. She could be Christie Brinkley on the outside but she’s still a POS. She’s not lovely in either respect, in or out.
I think people who do this are bottom feeders. No self respecting woman (or man) would lower themselves to cavort with a married person. No one would sneak around, lower themselves to have to lie, deceive and cheat to foster some lame relationship. Tru Wuv.. LOL. Right.
It’s really very sad. I pity both of them actually.
I totally agree, screwing a man you know is married with children is lower than low. My STBX doesn’t like it when I bring that up, he doesn’t want me talking bad about his true love! Also the same for men sleeping with married women. People have no self control, how hard is it to say, “oh you’re married, I don’t date married people. Call me when you file for divorce!”
That is the most well-written, funny synopsis of this shit situation I have read in awhile.
I didn’t crush any dreams. The worst that my ex could say about me wasn’t much.
For the first two years of our marriage, while I was business school, I made less money than my wife (approx 40%-60% split). So, when I filed for divorce, she used the line that she “made more money during the beginning of our marriage and supported you through school,” as if I were some moocher who wasn’t both working full time and improving my marketability 2 nights per week, 26 weeks per year.
That was really it, though. As with probably a lot of chumps, I did my best to make my spouse’s dreams/desires come true.
–Want to move across the country and away from our friends and family? I’m in!
–Want to spent more on yoga in 2 months than I spend in 1 year at the gym? We can make it work!
–Want to take a lower-paying–but more rewarding–job even though I’m in night school and money will be tighter? I’ll eat more PB&J (which I know you don’t like so you can keep eating expensive organic foods)!
–Want to take your parents to Hawaii for a family trip…even though we just went with them to Europe 3 months ago (when we bailed on Xmas with my family)? I’ll lower my family’s expectations for when they’ll get to see me in order to accommodate your wants!
In fact…it was a strange coincidence. Around the time my wife’s affair started (that I know of now), I actually had to put my foot down. She was planning yet another trip with her family. I said I couldn’t go. I said that I had spent a lot of my vacation time and $$ in the last 2 years with her family, and it was unfair to my family (and to me) for me to go on yet another vacation with them.
This whole standing-up-for-myself thing went over like a lead balloon. It was a buzzkill that my wife couldn’t keep me in my place. Although to my face she was quite understanding, behind my back she complained to her friends and family that I was being unreasonable. Although I hadn’t yet realized that she was already shagging her colleague, I bet he got an earful about what a terrible spouse I was and how she needed comfort and companionship in the face of such terrible treatment.
It’s amazing. Even now, as I write this, I realize how completely I was a chump. It’s still hard to look back and see how my wife completely exploited my willingness to compromise. This was a major life lesson–to find someone who views you as an equal worthy of respect. It seems so simple, but I clearly chose poorly the first time around.
Mine, too. In hindsight, I realize his grumpiness during our trip to Turkey & Iceland (about 8 months before Dday) and a ski weekend with some friends (about 3 months before Dday) were about the time I stopped “covering for him in advance.” The Iceland trip, he was very grumpy because we were only there for two days and hadn’t planned anything in particular; I just considered it a scouting trip for future (ha!) trips, but he had had some idea of a big getaway to some hot springs… which he had failed to plan or even mention. And the ski trip, he had neglected to consider or own food situation, so I didn’t automatically step in and make sure we had enough. Consequently, we didn’t (there’s more to this, but I’ll limit for relative brevity), and he got really angry. In hindsight, I think that was the final straw for him.
CL’s word–reciprocity. I suppose we all compromise on some things but that only works if the relationship’s basis is reciprocity–that we give a little in one area and get a little in another. My XH (not the cheater) was a nut job on organizing holidays around his son’s family schedule, as if I didn’t need to be able to plan to see my family. One Thanksgiving, my mother was in the hospital (dementia and just out of surgery with a broken shoulder from a fall) and I was so exhausted from being at the hospital I said I couldn’t make it back for Thanksgiving dinner with his son’s family. He pitched a gargantuan fit and I hiked back, set the table, ate dinner, cleaned up and went back to the hospital. No one even asked about my Mom. The lack of reciprocity was a major factor in ending the marriage, and when I feel sad about that or guilty at times, I remind myself of what I felt that day as I got back in the car alone to drive back to the hospital to sit with a woman who was screaming 20 hours a day. Reciprocity and kindness.
Interesting, JC. I think that the final affair really took hold because I was no longer telling him the sun shone out his ass 24/7 and was actually putting down some boundaries and stating my needs for a change. That didn’t really sit well with him, because it would mean he’d having to stop thinking about himself for five seconds or so.
Our whole family catered to ex’s wishes about where he wanted to live, the hobbies he wanted to have, etc. I sacrificed my career in order to support his. I had responsibility for the kids, house and bills, spending many hours driving the kids to various sporting activities so my ex could be free to enjoy his hobbies and work as much as he needed to (which was constantly). He deposited me in a rural area where I had few connections to friends because he “loved living in the country.” It seemed so weird to me because he was always traveling for business and rarely home to enjoy living in the country. So, when he did come home he’d spend all his time taking care of the property instead of doing things with me. If I wanted to see him then I had to go out and help him with farm chores. In the end he said “you never really supported me or MY dreams.” I remember thinking “If what I did wasn’t enough, then I give up.” That’s still the thing that bothers me the most…all those years (36 together) that I could have pursued my own dreams. You get certain opportunities at different times of your life, if you miss them you can’t get them back. I’m more mad at myself than him over what I chose to give up. It’s just what I thought wives were supposed to do, I thought I was making an investment in my family and that after he retired we’d finally have time to spend together. If I’d known things were going to turn out like this, I sure as hell wouldn’t have sacrificed so much. Oh well, I won’t make that mistake again!
THIS! I am now living 12 hours away from my family and kids, gave up my career to move to a God for saken backwoods town in southwest Georgia because he couldn’t take the hustle and bustle of DC. He had a mini stroke and needed a slower pace of life! Now this Fucker is moving to a beach community in Florida and a large city where Schmoopie extracted a mortgage free condo out of her rich ex husband! Thanks Asshat!
What a slob he is–gross. He’ll degenerate quickly on the beach in Florida. He’ll blame you, too. Good to be out of that idiot’s life.
He already has spiraled downhill because of his health! He has a central line in his body for strong antibiotics when his lungs are suffering from bronchitis which is a non stop problem! He has lost so much weight he looks like the running gears of a katydid! He’s all skin and bones! I’m just hoping he lives long enough to pay me lots of alimony! No problem though, I also negotiated getting all his life insurance policies in the divorce settlement and 55% of his military retirement once he dies! No troubles! Schmoopie gets zip!
And don’t forget, she gets to nurse him through that old age.
I snicker about that a lot, myself.
It’d be different, of course, if we’d shared a deep and abiding love for one another. Then I’d have done anything for him. I would have loved him with great affection. But, honestly, his ugly oozed out from the inside. He smelled sour, and his teeth are not aging gracefully. He’s a wiry, angry little man.
I honestly think he’s lost his freaking marbles, too.
Welp! She’s a nurse (the kind who doesn’t like to work a lot) and, if she stays sober, she can take real good care of him in his old age.
I gave up a lot for my STBX too. Then he says I never supported him or his dreams and in the next sentence he says it bothered him that I didn’t have my on dreams and goals. I made his dreams and goals my dreams and goals and lost sight of my own. Not sure now what I could have done to make him feel supported. BTW he told me the next day that OW never makes long term plans and that helps him live life one day at a time! I said, seriously when I don’t make goals it pisses you off when she doesn’t it’s endearing! Of course he says nothing to that! Why is it that they try to be perfect for OW and treat their spouses like shit?
X loved to pretend he had long term plans but lived day by day with multiple ow at a time. That was his definition of DAY by DAY. He wrote poems about it all the time.
My ex-wife said the same thing about me not having dreams and goals.
Reading all of the posts here, I know five years total with her was a lot, but I am so glad I got out after she cheated the first time.
My ex never blamed me for crushing his dreams. He never really had any. He never had a life direction. He was never really that deep! He never thought of our future. He never really thought much about anything. So…………….yeah…….I couldn’t crush anything as there was nothing to crush! Kinda makes me really sad now thinking how much time I wasted with someone who was truly never invested or connected to real life.
He did tell me however, several times, that never wanted to be a father…..he did THAT for me!!!
Sweet isn’t he!???
cue the twilight zone music…my experience too, kimmy.
Mine even admitted to our children that he never wanted children. And he wonders why the youngest is NC.
Tempest, my therapist said believe he’s an asshole every time I would tell him something new about the X. I have to say telling a child this is truly one of the most selfish acts and is truly unbelievably unacceptable. There are no words to describe his disordered sickness. Luckily your children have an amazing mighty mother. This made me so angry I want him to suffer for the rest of his twisted life. You are one of the most compassionate chumps and I salute you for all the support you provide.
Thank you Donna, it helps to have your support. I am having a very rough day, because not only did I get confirmation yesterday that X was openly trying to seduce students in front of our friends (and not ONE told me for 8 years), but he also did something so atrocious that he could be fired if the information were to come out. It put the final big piece in the puzzle that I needed, but I want to skewer the fucker right now. Slowly.
Woodchipper! I vote tar & feather, then stockyard, then woodchipper. Get him in his Achilles heel: his precious reputation. Of course subtle revenge is nice. I recently saw the musical : Count of Monte Christo. (it is actually based on a true story)
Tempest, if only we didn’t have to know all the pieces. But know all this was on him and while you suffer the pain these are his actions. Forgiving yourself for being someone selfless,kind, and willing to trust is really important. Sociopaths, if he fits the bill enjoy robbing us of our dignity and souls. Always hold your head high regardless of what he has done. You are stronger than you know. Hugs to you!!
We are lucky to have a chump like you. Your words helped me today!
Tempest…many supportive hugs to you. From all I’ve read here you are wise, compassionate, strong, intuitive, wicked smaht (as they say around here), deeply given to sharing, and just and all around wonderful person and terrific gal. So please let me reflect some of that back to you, as you continue to have to mud-wrestle the pigs. I hope you find some respite.
What NFV said. Tempest, you are a class act all the way, and your wise, compassionate and sassy posts help all of us. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to have all you need to take this f*cker down for good, yet know that doing so is not in the best interests of your girls. -Or, in the end, for you. Hang tight, and I hope you know how much we all value your voice. No matter how much this journey sucks, I believe there is something amazing to be learned along the way, and I’m privileged to be journeying with you.
Thanks all of you! I’m feeling much better this evening due to the support of all my friends at CL and the 5-digits worth of swear words I’ve uttered in 24 hours.
And you all have a ringing endorsement from my 14 year old–she was so mad that yet one more friend had known about X’s affairs and never told me that she advocated dumping all my old friends and only keeping my on-line friends in Chump Nation because they have integrity.
That’s a smart kid right there (like her mama). It’s so hard having your social circle shrink on top of the indignity of being chumped, but the upshot is authenticity in all aspects of our lives, and our children will reap the benefits. That’s a gift, no matter what it took to receive it.
I crushed his dream of writing great books and getting rich off of them with international respect as a writer! The one and only “book” he has finished is terrible and is sitting in a box after being printed out at the local Staples store near his Schmoopies condo in Florida! I tried to read the damn thing and pointed out obvious flaws in the first seven pages! This is a 60 year old man with a PhD courtesy of my hard work! But if you count sitting on your ass reading constantly from your Kindle then flipping over to porn sites while you smoke cigarette after cigarette living the dream then ummmm.. Okay! Let’s see how that helps his severe COPD and PAD! Not to mention the fact that I hear he is now moving to Florida and has a new job near Schmoopie! What he did not tell me was the fact that the employer he has now was getting ready to fire him because he was never availiable to his students and they started to complain! What an asshole! Hope Schmoopie knows what a “prize” she “won”!
I could not stand in the way of her dreams because no one does that. She operates at peak when she is leading a double life and compartmentalizing people close to her in order to fall in line with her brittle narcissistic world view.
How can she still live a lie after I called her on it and got divorced you wonder? She still blames either me or my family for being too judgmental for her to fully integrate her long-term mystery man into her life, which is interesting since we are (as I said before) divorced and living apart.
Possibly it is hard for her to fully introduce the OM because my kids are pissed at her and she has never owned what she did.
THIS also! Seems funny to me that no one has been introduced to the new “victim” errr….. Love of his life! Nobody really wants the old whore around, but they are curious as to why he dumped his wonderful life, wife and four kids to pursue little miss fuzzy hole! Guess he’s ashamed in many ways! I certainly hope so!
Roberta, you put your finger on part of the mystery: there is some mild flavor of shame in the continual hiding, but it is a stronger sign of how cowardly our exes are. When they incorporate their fantasy affair partners into the real world, it is suddenly harder to blame others for the damage done.
Luckily for chumps, reality ends up slowly eating away at the lies. It may happen quickly or over many years, so don’t hold your breath waiting, concentrate on your own life.
We had to go through the pain of trauma of accepting it, and it is odd and exhilarating to realize that we left the instigators in the dust.
Well said Chumpion.
I hear you Chumpion and I’m getting there slowly but surely! I’m just working through the hate!!!
Roberta……talk about being ashamed…….my XPOS booked him and I an international trip that he receives yearly from another company that awards these to him. These are trips that I have been going to with him for the past 10 years. Well guess what? He booked that trip one year after I left and we had not spoken. Why? Of course, I’m guessing because he was embarrassed to face everyone that we saw year after year that really liked me. He couldn’t possibly say the truth! So like the coward that he is, he didn’t go either, has let another year go by and I’m sure he’s hoping that this years trip, no one will notice or ask. He slithers away from everything; in true coward fashion. UGGGGGGHHHHH! So much hate!
X is so embarrassed of the bar whore because she is truly grotesque. It is very hard for a cheater when fantasy and reality collide. Desperate aging cheaters do not get the pick of the litter. He really got slimmed settling for a raging druggie casino whore. They don’t introduce the pig because she will soon be replaced.
No time to read the comments fellow chumps (I’m flying up to Boston for work in a bit), but I wanted to comment.
Well, I crushed my ex’s greatness – you see, he wanted to have his own public speaking and consulting business, and I pushed him to keep his day job and benefits, boring me. But this was his calling, business and personal coaching. With his integrity and drive, along with some serious sparkles, you can all imagine he was a great person to lead the masses.
Anyhow, in the 3 plus years since divorce, and anticipated marriage to AP#1 in a couple months (who works in that same field and “feeds” him work), he has actually……surprise?!?!?……continued to pretty much fail. He took out a Parent Plus loan for our daughter’s senior year in college this past year (sounds impressive, right? she does not even talk to him and he could not care less about his children), AND…..drumroll….. I found out he “skimmed” part of it for himself. When I finally figured it out, he pretended to have a computer crash, then ignored me for 3 months, and finally admitted he did not have it all to pay me back. Daughter graduated last week. This is the same guy who drained our children’s protected college funds before he left.
Can you spell L-O-S-E-R?
Actually I think in his case, Kelly, we will make an exception (because he IS so special!) and spell ‘loser’ like this: A-S-S-H-O-L-E.
WHO DOES THAT TO THEIR KIDS??????
Hand up here! Mine did that. Still have no idea what he did with our kids money. Sad mother fuckers.
Kelly, your ex is a total shithead. You and your kids, on the other hand, are golden. So glad for you that you’ve found a partner who honours and appreciates all that you have to offer.
Ha ha ha ha, well I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it occurs to me now, in light of the question:
I didn’t know until the relationship was long over that what he truly wanted all along was to have an elven themed wedding ceremony a la “Game of Thrones” meets “Lord of the Rings.” At 38 years old, OW understands the need for this fantasy fuck fest and is more than willing to wear elf ear jewelry, have a Daenrys inspired hairstyle (and dye job), and find leaf embroidered velvet garb for them both to wear as they exchange vows officiated by a new age self proclaimed “medicine woman” who only wears white (just like Gandalf the Grey turned to Gandalf the White!!).
Suffice it to say, I would never have agreed to this kind of event!
That elven themed wedding sounds hysterical. Hopefully you’ll get to see pictures.
I don’t know . . . maybe you should have let him have the Game of Thrones wedding. If you’ve watched the show, you will know they tend to end in tears. And dead grooms.
This might have been a missed opportunity.
LOL Eilonwy, right? Who knows, with OW and his mom in charge, this could be a red wedding (or other less fatal) type of disaster
FIREBALL has a “special” meaning that I must share here. After the final d-day over a year ago I started the process of ending this crazy 31 years that made me crazy but not the REAL crazy one. We married after 3 months, I admired his ambition and adventure 🙂 I used to say we were on the 5 year plan, bc we moved around, built homes, but he seemed discontent IMO, we did many exciting things except truly settle down. 3 kids in 5 years, I gave up my relly good career to take care of the family. No regrets there, he worked hard an supported us well. But he rewarded himself with OW since the beginning.
I won’t bore any of you with the typical playbook antics of my SA STBXh. Anyway, when I finally had enough a year ago and announced I was DONE, he started to spin out. I overheard him on a phone call telling his SA accountability partner that the problem with Us was HE WAS A “FIREBALL” AND I was the type of person who wanted to lay around, relax and sleep in when we went on vacations and adventures and otherwise. Damn, Im exhausted from trying to keep up with this A-hole. Some of the relaxing life I lived included, riding motorcycles, skiing, waterskiing, wake boarding, snowboarding, biking, fishing, hunting, kayaking, baseball, golfing, we lived in Alaska (with my job) lived rough too, outhouse, no running water, I chopped wood, road snowmobiles, managed a Christian youth camp (accommodating 500 ppl) year round, plus found time to do fundraising, raise 3 awesome kids, sell real estate….Im exhausted wriiting this as I LAY AROUND in bed while FIREBALL is planning what his next adventure will be —-ALONE or at least without me and his really great family. I would like to think its ME who has been the fireball and not him. He is a liar, cheater, porn addict, disordered NARC, jerk who is incapable of love, & commitment, Hate being 58 and having to start my life over but I can’t wait to get away from this CRAZY person. Yes, clearly it has been ALL MY FAULT for not being fun, adventurous etc. Oh did I mention Im in great physical shape from “laying around”! I take NO credit for his great need to cheat, lie and live a double life. He absolutely HATES me now that he is exposed.
He is NOT.NORMAL
Leave a cheater, gain a life 🙂
Fireball, you rock!
Wow! I am impressed…and exhausted myself from reading your list of activities! Sounds like you are quite the fireball!
Fireball, I got tired just reading about your activities, lol. Me I prefer a good book, occasional weeding and chilling. You should definitely keep the name!
I emasculated my cheater. I controlled him. I was a “c#nt” according to him.
I asked him not to drink. I asked him not to go to bars and spend time with his family instead. I asked him to be mindful of the time he was spending in bars with alcoholic friends. I told him I felt last on his list of priorities. I was angry a lot of the time because it didn’t matter how I said these things, it never changed. It was years of this.
What he prevented me from doing was having a life free from his abuse, manipulation, projection and lies.
He continues to blame me for 50% of his affair.
I divorced the loser. And he sucks at percentages too.
“And he sucks at percentages too.”
Damn straight he does thensome!
yes that was me. i tried to get him to go to AA. i told him his drinking was destroying the family. he refused to go to AA because “All his friends drink. what would that make him if all his friends drink and he wasnt drinking?” to quote him.
he didnt have any dreams to crush. he has absoluately zero ambition. i used to ask him all the time “what do you want out of life” and “what do you want from me? what am i doing wrong? what do you need from me that i am not giving you” ori would ask him “what is important to you”……..no matter what way i asked his answer was always the same “I dont know” after 14 years and 2 kids later he doesnt know what he wants.
so i am the bitch because i dont like being an option or last on his priority list. i think family comes first, and he doesnt. my fault for expecting more from him and for trying to get him to see he was fucking up.
Oh boy, let’s pick this scab off, shall we?
Well apparently I kept STBX from whatever big things it was that he had planned, he can’t really pinpoint exactly what those are but they exist! Maybe he will do that thing where he says “I’ll get back to you with an answer” and then it’s crickets forever more.
Anyhow, a few things he mentioned in passing were:
That my manipulating him from the start held him like somewhat of a captive in our relationship. Weird, I thought we all had free will and I don’t recall holding a gun to anyone’s head.
It was the fallout of our marriage that made him fail out of college. Not his “6 hour+ study sessions” that was him dedicating time to his AP, not his inability to comprehend freshman level bio & chemistry, not his horrible time management skills keeping him from getting to classes on time or his wild inability to be organized. Nope, HIM cheating on ME in secret was so hard on him that he failed out.
That failing out also kept him from obtaining his 1 year long dream of being a Physicians Assistant. Never mind that he’d had at least 5 career dreams in the 6 years we were together or that he gave up on every one of them once they got “too hard”. <—recognizing a theme?
My overwhelming demands of wanting to spend time together as a family, needing help with our newborn and her colick, wanting affection & intimacy from him, wanting help around the house and for him to make our family his top priority through actions and not just words held him down. My expectations are too high and I'll NEVER find a man who can live up to those lofty goals.
And I guess I kept him from general happiness. What with all my demands and my big loud mouth asking for help, he just couldn't bear to let me keep him shackled any longer.
Be free pigeon….be free you vermin of birds, to fly and use people and be truly happy. You deserve it!
Most of you guys know my story, it’s the ultimate in thwarted dreams, at least according to my ex. At the end of our 20-year marriage, his reason for leaving, despite the fact that he had cheated HUNDREDS of times with other men, was that I had thwarted his dreams and destiny of becoming a famous actor. According to him, he has always known that he “is destined to be famous.” He claimed that back in the 90s he had plans to start this destined career, but I prevented him from doing so. I have no idea what he is talking about, I don’t remember anything about him becoming an actor back then. Maybe he wanted to take an acting class or something and I said we didn’t have enough money at the time. At any rate, apparently this thwarted dream burned him up over the next 20 years until he finally decided it was time to dump me (coincidentally at the same time he had TWO OWs in line) and pursue his destiny. Right after Dday, he told our son that “God had opened all the doors” for him and that within three months he was going to be very successful.
Well, surprise surprise, it’s five years later, and believe me, none of you have seen his name on the cover of People Magazine. Guess his “destiny” was only in his head, and whatever “god” opened all the doors to his success must have been the devil. Other than his many videos on Youtube, his only real “success” was being in the background of a crowd scene in that Wizard of Oz remake a year or two ago.
Along with the failed attempts at being an actor, he pursued several other “dreams” during these past few years, and every single one, according to him, was going to be hugely successful. He’s been an author, a singer, a dancer, a talk show host, a motivational speaker, an anti-bullying advocate and a film festival host, at least in his own head. He was going to sell plush toys. His bobble head of his dancing creature was “going to be a collector’s item.” The biggest success out of all of those was that he did a book signing in a donut shop in Cleveland. He paid a “publisher” $5000 to print the book, it’s about what an inspiration he is. You simply cannot make this stuff up.
He let our marital home foreclose, he filed bankruptcy, he eventually became homeless and moved from place to place, wherever someone let him stay for free. He has now moved back to his father’s house and plans on staying there permanently.
His current story on the end of our marriage was that he was very depressed (totally not true, he’s never been depressed a day in his life) and following his dream was a light out of the depression. That’s what he recently told our son. Notice how the cheating is completely erased from the story and that it makes him out to be a sad sausage and me the one at fault. Totally typical of the disordered — they always rewrite history.
The great irony is that you have finally given him the fame that he craves, here with Chump Nation. What a pity that he will (hopefully) never know.
GladIt’sOver, you are right in an earlier comment– We did marry twins! In addition to the same shared dreams of glory, my EX also told our children that he would be “rich” in sixth months. He knew because “God had told him.” Fortunately, my kids seem to know not to put too much faith into dad’s little chats with God any more. My EX isn’t homeless yet, but the day is coming. I suspect his parents are supporting him at the moment, but his decline is spectacular (albeit hard on the kids as they watch it from the safety of the home I provide for them).
During the time my ex fancied himself a world-famous author, he told our son that he would be going on a book signing tour all over the country, maybe all over the world, and he would take son with him. I told son not to bother packing just yet, LOL. Son knew his dad was crazy, so no big disappointment. Needless to say, other than the donut shop book signing, the world tour did not happen.
Glad, I salute you.
Boy, he really is a classic, Glad,
Himself informed me after 25 years of marriage that I was the one who was supposed to get the big paying job and be the bread winner so he could stop working and build up his business. news to me. Opened a small restaurant it failed in four months. Lost 20,000 dollars. He was and is a good provider but it was his choice to work strictly in the automotive field not mine and truth be told he’s very good at it. Supported him in everything he wished to do. Not according to him.
I didn’t get the high paying job for him. He moved us to east bum fuck so he could hide his shop in a poor county in a very low job low paying area.
I didn’t have rich relatives to leave me any money neither does he. My fault of course.
I went through three years of menopause with a low sex drive and exhausted from little sleep and then has a major female surgery which restarted the menopause. Again my fault not natures.
He dick stopped working from smoking and he developed vein problems in his legs and he’s way over weight, dentursick shitnd extremely bald. He was balding slowly since moving in with the whore the rest has fallen out. Again my fault.
The whores income dropped but doesn’t stop her from spending beyond her means. Again my fault.
The Viagra, occasionally cocaine use to inhance sex plus all the other pain pills he takes my fault cause I didn’t get that high paying job and he has to work so hard.
He thought he’d be rolling in cash now that the new magical p..sy would give it all to him she spends every penny and cares not what he thinks. ” she got a man!!!!!” Again my fault.
My flat out refusal to go into an offered rental by her so they could have my house. Big fat fucking no to that one and that one is my fault!
My unwillingness to engage in really nasty s and m. A little kinky OK but beatings, whippings, chokings, bruises, I knew he was a little kinky but not like that! I do not equate that with sex, love or even lust! That’s just sick sick shit having to do with power trips control and plain getting off. Again my fault!
I could go on and on. We had a good and decent life until he went off the deep end of no return and let the demons out. What is it with men and their slings, he could have made it work better but listen to doctors what do they know? Again my fault.
End if this year all will be final and I will be free!!
And that freedom part? Oh yeah….. That will be my fault. Yippee!!!!!
Oh Kar Marie! I hope these cheaters get a taste of their own medicine.
Me too little lady me too. I hope its in spades four times longer and ten times more painful than what the cheaters did to all of us. No excuses for what they’ve done. None! Fuckers!
yes they are fuckers! mr. enlightened told me I have been selfish for most of our marriage. what? How? I have complete responsibility for EVERYTHING in our household plus complete care of our two kids. He worked 60+ hrs a week, traveled nationwide and internationally, went to school for the accelerated MBA which was 2yrs of Friday Sat and Sunday topped off with a month long trip to asia. Not to mention all the get aways to spend time golfing and visiting his clan. I held down the fort and always wished him a pleasant time. never a frown face. ever. Believe me I was EXHAUSTED and did not always wait at the door for him wearing a negligee moist and ready. But I never refused or faked sex. ever. Even if it was the occasional obligatory. And I am selfish. For a while he had me convinced. Oh and my selfishness kept him living in this crappy weather state when he would /could have gone west or south or anywhere but here. looking back on it all I think he was up to no good back then too. why else would he come home angry at me for not wearing stripper outfits when I had two toddlers in the house?
willowfrost, remember that their every accusation is PROJECTION! He accused you of his own most prominent behaviour. Asshole.
Yes. Everything is ALL my fault and will always be since, it turns out in MC, he was just a “passenger” in our marriage. Mind you, he’s 6’4″ and a big guy with a big voice, but little miss 5’4″ made all the decisions in our lives while he just sat there with no opinions and miserable. Right. Like moving to a foreign country so that he could open his own restaurant. What a horrible person to open his eyes to foreign travel. Like moving back to the US because he no longer liked it overseas, oh wait, because I wanted to rip him from the restaurant that I made him go open and where he was truly happy once we were no longer there. Like MAKING him stay at home, take care of kid and “figure out” what he wanted to do while I worked; all of those gourmet lunches, hours in the pool, beers in his hand were forced upon him by his mean, controlling wife who never made him get a job. He was always pouting about how unhappy he was and it was always somebody else’s fault. It was just a matter of time that it was mine and maybe some day it will be OW’s too. In the present, I’ve crushed his dreams of being close with his daughter. He has not reached out and spent time with her and made the effort to make her feel special, but it’s still my fault so NOW he wants more time and is going to get it. That sucks. I told my attorney. It will always be my fault, let’s just figure out how to get this done and quickly. I need to move on. He crushed my dreams, but we know that doesn’t count.
The x is blaming me for our adult kids, 21 & 22, not talking to him. I have poisoned them against him apparently. And if only they would talk to him his bliss would be complete. He’s had two years to work on those relationships and the best conversation he can have with them is all about HIM. The kids do text him though,so they do “talk”. But if they would only adore and worship him like they should and fix his sadz, he would be happy. So narcs continue to blame their ex because their dreams of happiness aren’t complete even after he ran off to find the “happiness he deserved”(mow lasted six months and bailed), the divorce and NC for almost two years. Sorry no. Not my monkeys, not my circus.
What did I do to thwart his plans?
I got pregnant.
That was DEFINITELY not in the cards, especially for him. It was a happy surprise for me – and he pretended that it was for him; kind of.
I had helped him raise his kids and he was *done*. Or so he thought.
I am sorry you had to go through that. No one should be made to feel like their pregnancy is an inconvenience to a partner who was more than willing to do his part in causing said pregnancy. Especially after you helped him raise his children.
I haven’t been “blamed” for holding her back in so many words, but she is struggling to jump start a career at almost 60 and finding it is brutal out there. It’s not working out well after almost two years and she mentioned. “Well, you have this great career, but you’ve had 40 years to build it.”
It’s as if she thought she could go land a great job, put on her beautiful clothes, go to power lunches and networking, and be making great bucks in an interesting field within a year; and when she finds it isn’t that easy, it’s somehow my fault, or what I’ve done isn’t really that significant after all.
When I think of what she walked away from, I sometimes go, “Just, Wow.” Of course I’m still on the hook financially, no matter her choices.
You’ve HAD 40 years to build it…” — no, you WORKED 40 years to build it. it pisses me off how someone lik that, who had all the SAME opportunities but failed to make anything out of themselves, thinks your success just dropped out of the sky on your head. My Cheating Ex once said of my law career, “all you do is sit around and talk all day,” contrasting with his lame little self employed contracting business that HE chose for himself though he was Phi Beta Kappa with a degree in psychology (yeah, I know). NO, I *worked* for three long years through law school with H#1 not helping me… was a single Mom the last two years of law school, with H#1 refusing to pay his child support. Then through my own efforts graduated in top third of my class, worked through low paying jobs to work in the biggest firm in our city, to finally owning my own business. Yeah, all I do is sit around and talk all day… while paying back student loans and paying 100% of Cheater’s food, cell phone, and 95% of our housing costs for 16 years. It’s the same with all these freeloading narcissists, because they have never actually worked as hard as you they begrudge you your success. Their sense of entitlement and specialness leads them to believe it should all just be handed to them. While they betray you, of course, because you are so beneath them. Yup, right.
They see us work hard and succeed, and that casts their own minimal efforts and inability to sustain anything into a bad light. So they blame us for their shortcomings. And cheat, because that is their move to be one-up on us.
Yup, yup…Muse and LAJ
Thank you! Never thought of it that way, but true.
Thanks again, Muse and LAJ! Yes, I did work very hard at my own business. Lots of evenings and weekends, and still (it was a privilege not a duty) having the time to coach my son in baseball, Cub Scout leader, Boy Scout merit badge counselor, never missing a school event or concert, etc.
Not trying to bang my own drum, but I think we on this board tend to be wired that way generally, and it does sting to have our contributions minimalized or discounted.
My STBX is the poster child for this topic. Last summer he came home after a big trip and said “when I retire early I want to sail around the world and since you have no interest in that we are going to need to divorce so I can find someone who wants to do that with me.” Here’s the thing- he was was already working on “finding” that someone with his Sunday school teaching partner. The funny party is now he can’t retire early because I’m taking more than half of his pension and 401K. Poor sausage. Maybe he’ll go soon anyway- the sooner the better.
I should give him my ex’s number. They can sail around the world together with their lady lovers. Such greatness.
What is it with that?
To me is just makes it so clear of what disordered losers they are. Yes, I’m going to put sailing before my children’s well being and my integrity. Yeah, that’s normal. Not. I’m not afraid to say that I hope they get lost at sea.
Aw, no! In The Coward’s case, he is going to be a FANTASTIC sailor man, and his children will not be able to contain their admiration for him, finally. He will have all sorts of respect from people wherever he goes. He’ll be an adventurous sailor man with a lady sailor lover and two sailor chihuahuas.
It’s for the kids’ own good. You know, Children Are Resilient, of course, and also, they’re Much Happier if their Parents Aren’t Unhappy. Everyone knows THAT!! *snort!*
You can add mine to the crew. Another dream that I crushed was his desire to take a powerboat around the world during retirement. Too lazy to sail…
I hope they all sail into the Bermuda Triangle.
LOL „I hope they can all sail into the Bermuda Triangle“ that is funny, but I fear they would not sink, remember they are all invincible
I second that Muse!
So if they do all sail there and get abducted by Aliens will the aliens conclude all humans and super-duper-special or that the Earth needs to be blown up immediately?
Muse, is there a fucking Kraken there?
Cheater never said I crushed his dreams probably because he never really had any. He always had a job and he worked his way up the ladder in that job but he had no real goals or life plan. I thought his life plan was me and our family but of course, I was wrong. When his cheating was revealed, he said he did it because he felt entitled and he could get away with it. Later he blamed me, of course. I really believe the entitlement reason and think the blaming reasons are him trying to save face. He’s an ass either way though.
He made a comment in MC about how he was a jock in high school and all the girls wanted him. From the stories I have heard of his HS days, I don’t believe it’s true that all the girls wanted him. I think that’s his fantasy and he started living it out after he worked his way up the ladder at work and felt entitled. So perhaps marrying me put a damper on his f’ing many women for a while but not for long apparently. And, they can certainly have him now!
My ex, upon revealing that he had met the woman of his dreams again on Facebook, justified the relationship by declaring that he wanted take up backpacking, “and sleep under the stars.” With a woman. I wondered why he couldn’t backpack with male friends (he really didn’t have a lot of close male friends) and he said that it had to be a woman. He was finished with his previous hobby of road biking–he’d been good at it, too, but his back hurt too much to bike any more. And now, he’d decided that he wanted a life of spontaneous adventure, with overnight backpacking. But, as he accused, “You only see me as a paycheck!” (I have always had my own career and make as much money as he does…. OW has not really had a career, and surely saw him as a paycheck, but he angrily refuted this–“She loves me for me!!”) We’d always followed his dreams–we hiked to the top of Yosemite’s Half Dome, bought a money pit 2nd home on the coast, learned to snowboard…. Whatever he wanted–never what I wanted. But, of course, what I wanted was a happy family, so what he wanted suited me just fine, generally. What I wanted–if he didn’t want it–I did with the kids on my own when he was at work or if he refused to join us because his back hurt.
The MRI showed pretty nasty degeneration in one of his disk spaces, too. It was legit! But backpacking and spontaneity was his dream, and I was holding him back.
(Frankly, I think he was jealous of our children, who were just starting their adult lives.)
So he moved an hour away from work, to live near the lake in Foreclosureville, even though driving, he complained, HURT HIS BACK! And he never hikes. But he does sail all the time now. This is his newest obsession–and it will surely be the key to his greatness until he drops it for some reason. The FB Twat Troll is also a sailor now, as are their two chihuahuas. He hates dogs. But maybe her dogs are special.
I think I’d squashed his dream of having a blonde lady lover. So, he has that now. And a sail boat. And he texts his children a lot, so what’s not to like? Winner!
Oh isn’t that sweet- a couple of sailors. Did your husband have a bunch of hobbies? Mine went through basketball, roller hockey, gas powered model airplanes, golf, playing the guitar, scuba diving and now sailing (wait is porn watching a hobby?). He says skydiving is next. Funny how none of it has filled his hollow soul.