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Affair Enablers

enablerDear Chump Lady,

How about a post on enablers, i.e., people who assist cheaters in their pursuit of The Most Magical Romance the Universe Has Ever Known?

First off, there are the enablers who help the affair along. They might be people who fan the flames, encouraging someone else to violate his or her marriage vows in the name of romance, getting a second piece of ass, or whatever vicarious stupid shit floats their boats. They might be part of the Undercover Adultery Assistance Squad, helping cheaters to cover up their tracks and deceive their unsuspecting spouses?

Then, there are the assholes and sundry other useful idiots who enable cheaters to avoid any kind of moral self-reflection once they’ve been discovered. There are those who mean well, but don’t understand human nature — especially narcissists — one whit. These include the starry-eyed marriage counselors, therapists, authors that “don’t judge” or “don’t apply labels”, who want to see every marriage saved, no matter how one-sided and awful the problems are. Then there are the amoral jackasses who simply stick by the cheater no matter what he does. These are people who say “friends need to support each other no matter what,” even if those friends are breaking up a family to move in with their favorite strippers.

In my case, my soon-to-be-ex mother-in-law was one of those last types. Once I caught her daughter cheating, we tried going to a marriage counselor. My soon-to-be-ex lasted one session of it, then had her mother come to help her set the stage for life with the other man while I was out of town. She went with her to siphon money into a secret separate account, smuggle away valuable items we both owned, and “corroborate” the lies that she wasn’t seeing the other man.

When I got home, my wife told me what was going on, and that she was actually a serial cheater who had only been caught once. I got to hear the classic “I keep doing these awful things, so there must be something wrong with YOU” speech. When I said that I felt betrayed, as I had thought we were working things out, my mother-in-law said “I hope you can make the changes needed so that my daughter doesn’t feel the need to have all these affairs.”

WTF? I replied that there was nothing wrong with me, and that my wife should be making some changes. As you might guess, I’m not a fan of “reconciliation” attempts.

Don’t worry, this story has a “happy” ending. I gave up on reconciliation once it become obvious I was married to an unrepentant serial cheater (though her moving out made it easier). I got all the stuff they stole back, and she only managed to make off with $200 out of the bank account. I’m picking up the pieces, and each day things get a little better. Your site has helped me to realize that there was nothing wrong with me, and that I will find someone better.

As for my cheating ex, the relationship with the other man lasted all of one date after she left. It turned out the Prince Cheating really wasn’t still living with his ex because “there were no apartments available.” In fact, this woman wasn’t an “ex” at all, he was still married, and had no intention of moving in with my wife. Karma’s a bitch.


A Chump Who Loves Being Cheater-Free (aka Jim)

Dear Jim,

Well, congratulations on your new beginning. Sounds like you navigated this shit storm quite nicely. Affair enablers? So you saw Esther Perel’s latest TED talk, huh? I’m sure Chump Nation would be happy to weigh in on the subject of Cheaters and the People Who Indulge Them. I can think of several reasons why people encourage affairs.

1) They’re fucking your spouse. An interesting Venn diagram would be the people who are “neutral” about your spouse’s cheating and the people who are actually, in fact, cheating with your spouse. Being an affair partner certainly presents a conflict of interest on the whole social opprobrium thing.

2) They’re cheaters themselves. If they’re not fucking your spouse, they’re probably fucking someone else, have done, or are thinking about it. They’re splendid people. Your wife is a splendid person. Let’s not call their character into question. That’s very ugly of you.

3) They’ve never been chumped, but have Great Unquestioned Assumptions about it. Your vulnerability is terrifying, so we have to make up some excuses why you deserved this. Hey, your wife was unhappy, and the pursuit of happiness is paramount. You must have Had An Agreement. You’re sexless. Anyway, everyone’s marriage is a mystery, but your suckitude isn’t. That we can assume.

4) They’re related to your cheater. Your MIL has probably been hearing for years how awful you are and how much her precious darling suffers unjustly. It’s much easier to think poorly of you than re-examine how she feels about her own flesh and blood.

5) They’re Marriage Do or Die freaks, which in my cynical opinion, means they’re probably also 1, 2, or 3. These are the folks who think divorce is the big sin, not infidelity, not untreated addiction or mental illness, not child neglect or abuse — but DIVORCE. It not what they did, it’s your reaction to it that’s the problem. Your job is to hang in there trying. Indefinitely. Because no matter how much they fuck up, that’s not a pattern — that’s potential.

6) They’re amoral romantics. Those girlfriends who were egging your wife on to have affairs got to live vicariously through her drama. Wow, a Harlequin romance come to life! Tune in for the next exciting chapter of Prince Cheating and the Jim the Dullard who is thwarting twu wuv.

How nice to be a cardboard cut-out villain in her epic saga.

Anyway, Jim, as you realized, you don’t need these people. I wonder if these jerks ever tune into the karmic ending when Prince Cheating goes home to his wife? Nah, the Undercover Adultery Assistance Squad is probably on to its next affair adventure.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.

    These characters may actually disapprove of adultery. However, they were successfully decieved for a while by the cheater and have overly invested in the cheater narrative that the faithful spouse is to blame. Because they are stubborn and arrogant, they are unwilling to admit that they screwed up royally and make amends to the faithful spouse. Instead, they dig in their heals and blame the faithful spouse more saying the adultery is merely a side issue.

    • DM, I am pretty sure you just penned my old churches mission statement.
      Spot on.

      My XH’s enablers are in so deep on this one the only way they could save face was to return my HX to his position of ministry and heavily encourage his new GF to join the fold.
      Doesn’t help that he is more feminine in his behaviour now than when we were married.

    • Thank you for your response DM. This topic has addressed one of the yet-unhealed wounds I still have – from the Religious Neutrals. From the Pastor of my former church, who knew about the real situation (and believed me). I waited for three months for him to intervene (Chump that I was), but nothing came. He kept telling me to “hang in there, the timing wasn’t right yet”, as I sunk deeper into depression and despair. He also made it common knowledge that he was inviting the OW and her husband to vacation with him and his wife in Hawaii this summer for all the hard work they both did for the church. There was only one friend from that church who reached out to me when I couldn’t take it anymore and abruptly moved out – almost 200 miles away to help facilitate the NC I knew I needed. We were very close, and I told her about the infidelity, and she really does believe me, but chooses to remain neutral. When the unsuspecting members of the congregation ask her about what she knows about my sudden disappearance, she says nothing, and directs them to my now XH – who’s narrative is I was having conflict with the teachings of the church (of course, not one whiff of what he was up to!). Her last message to me was to ask me “What is God teaching you in all this?”

      • The church is the enabler. That is my case too. They all want to believe that my charming, funny, outgoing senior pastor husband has been unsupported and cast aside by me. He is a master manipulator, and they all believe him.

        • OW is a church groupie and bounces from church to church, depending on where she is getting the most attention (kibbles). She left the Episcopal church where I was a member when it began ordaining gay priests, but still “works” with some of the folks who remained with the church, but who (secretly) agree with her view. She is often written up in the church’s bulletin about her ministry to the poor and homeless. I spend a lot of my free time working with homeless vets and people transitioning from prison, so I know the write ups are total bs. To make it worse, not one of these folks who marvel at her “Christian faith” have ever said a single word to me about what my family went through because of her sheer evil. I am so disgusted with the whole situation that I make it a point to stay away from those people. They aren’t my friends and they certainly aren’t Christians…Unfortunately, this is the same church where my Dad’s funeral was held two weeks ago. I did what everyone on this site recommended and just focused on what a great dad I had and how much we loved each other, but being at that church, having to interact with X during the service, and knowing I was taking communion from one of OW’s friend was a shit trifecta that has left me very depressed. As much as I try to stay positive, I feel like I am falling into an abyss.

          • So sorry, Violet, for your loss and for having your father’s funeral compromised in this way. You are a remarkable person and know the truth about these awful people. I send you hugs today…sorry it’s a day late.

      • It sickens me when churches do this crap. Betray the faithful spouse and betray God. Sickening.

        BR, I’d say that gal is not your friend if she is unwilling to stand up for you. What is God teaching you? That some people prefer darkness over light even including people calling themselves my “friend.”

        • well, i am not a devote catholic as i would like to believe, but we got married in the catholic church and it meant a lot to me. so when all this was going down, even before i found out that he had the oompa loompa, i went to talk to the priest about my marriage. after i described what was going on, and how lost i was to fix it. my priest actually told me i should divorce exhole. he went on to explain that a man has certain responsibilities and that the man i married to was not fulfilling those responsibilities , he also told me that if i were to remain with him that it would only get worse for me and my children. i got the “you can not control what he is doing” and if he is not trying to change or be better, you need to leave for your own good speach. he also told me that us catholics are NOT against divorce. it even says in the bible to divorce. we are only against remarriage (ya, lucky me huh) he strongly suggested that i divorce exhole. as did the lawyer i spoke with and 90% of friends and family. i was the ONLY person that thought i should save my marriage and that he was worth fighting for. how sad, now that i think about it.

            • I consulted two priests and both of them told me to divorce him. If I stayed, I would be enabling his sinful behavior. One of them pushed me to get a church annulment, which I got 19 months after I started the process.

            • There are many good priests & other church affiliated people who are educated and recognize psychological pathology. They will support you & your children to get into a safe environment. The days of trying to convince you to stay with a cheater are over. Remarriage is another story. Annulment is available but long & tedious. You have to want it badly in order to complete it. I was taught that we are the church so we have to actively try to change it and bring it into the 21st century. I’m saddened that so many people turn to their religion/church & are turned away by ignorance & lack of real compassion. That’s why we need Chump Nation. It’s a sanctuary for many. Thank you CL!

      • I thank God for my congregation, whose Ministry Council, after meeting both (separately), basically told the Fucktard and the OtherWhore to never darken the door of the church again.

      • Did you reply, “God is teaching me that many of his followers are spineless wonders who refuse to obey his edicts, and think that they are going to skate into heaven by helping to decorate the church for Christmas?”

      • Boudica – your ‘friend’ isn’t neutral. Shes supporting his side by passive resistance. If she was neutral she wouldn’t have even asked about the story and would have kept the fuck out.
        I fucking hate Switzerlanding arseholes. Burn them in hell. They’re worse than the fucking supporters of cheaters because they don’t let their real opinions known. At least with cheater supporters you know where the bastards stand.

      • I am so sorry that pastor treated you like that. I was on a website called daily strength for some time while I was uncovering my ex’s cheating. One of the people I talked to was a pastor. He asked me one day why I was still with someone who could not keep his vows of fidelity. When I finally filed for divorce, he gave me a hearty congratulations! Some churches and pastors DO get it.

    • What stinks is when you tell people, and they suscribe to the “It takes two” philosophy. The more you say to try to convince them that it really was an unfixable marriage with a pathologically disordered spouse, the more you can see it in their eye that they are sizing up equal blame on you. They have the look of “Afterall, one would have to be a really lousy person who denied sex and lived like a roach to possibly bring so much infidelity on themselves. ” At that point it’s time to cut them off too. There are so many on the sidelines who I never heard a peep from. Disappointing. Well, they can rest assured that I think their character is shitty too.

      • This falls under the “I consider myself to be a good spouse in MY marriage, and if what you are claiming is true, that you did nothing to help cause this affair, then THIS COULD HAPPEN TO ME.”

        My former best friend did this. She could not be around for me because it reminded her that it could happen to her. Its impossible for some people to grasp because the mind rejects chaos and unpredictability. Only disordered people thrive on chaos and unpredictability, not normal boring chumpy people. Its upsetting and painful to consider that you have done NOTHING WRONG and still are subjected to life shattering events CAUSED INTENTIONALLY by someone you trusted with your very life.

        My favoite enabler was one of many passing acquaintances of XH–but to X they were always his bestest friends of 2 whole weeks—who would cover for X when he claimed they were together–saying that X “just needed space and time to himself, because you two just dont get along as much as you should”.

        In other words, he made the judgement that he would lie and cover for X going to get blowjobs from his flavor of the month because (X apparently lied to pal, from what I was told, as to his real whereabouts) X needed to get away from me being so mean. When I informed BFFFM (best friend for five minutes) of the lies he was helping X cover, he was still unabashed….saying that there must have been a good reason for X to feel that he had to lie to everyone all the time, calling X “good people” nonetheless.

        Then I got from this guy that I should not have aired the dirty laundry to him about what the X was actually doing while BFF was lying for X.


        • That he called him “good people” is funny. Cause he WAS two “people”–the phony façade he played for the world, and the real crappy person/liar he was. Two “people”.

        • SphinxMoth. This. Yes. My closest and best friend of 38 years also pulled away eventually. Following my lead as I discovered her fear. We were the most amazing couple until he had his breakdown and fuckfest with another “friend.” That damn contagion! Will we catch what they got? She knew we were great. And that still terrifies her. I lost every friend due to this fear and judgement of me. I must be a harridan behind closed doors, right?

      • Yep. MIL gave me the “it takes two” bullshit and then was surprised when I distanced myself from her. She was one of the first people I told about what was going on, and I believe she may have known what was up well before I did. She acted mad at him at first that a “third party” might be involved as she put it. Then she began defending him.

        Also infuriating were his coworkers, who knew a hell of a lot more than me about what was going on with the main OW and possibly others. A big group of them smiled and acted sweet to me the last time I saw them, but I sensed tension from every one of them. I’d bet at least two of them fall into 1) fucking your spouse category. FUCK all of them.

        • Well I dont get too far into the MIL cesspool, because that is an energy suck of epic proportions. But his step brother knew, in fact the SB was approached by a friend of one XHs herd of OW. Proof in hand, knowing things that only someone inside The Circle could know, plus pictures, etc!

          SB actually told this womano who came to him to try and figure out how to help ME–“since I have not been married before, I really don’t know how to approach Sphinx. Cheater has told me on many occasions that the marriage is more struggle than joy, and had it not been for child being born, Cheater would probably have divorced Sphinx. Let’s wait a few months before anything is said to Sphinx, let me talk to Cheater and give him AN OUT. I will warn him that people know and are coming forward.”

          News to me that ‘for years’ Cheater was informing his whole family of my craziness, our ‘joyless’ and struggle filled marriage…and hisprevious intent to divorce me had I not possibly intentionally gotten pregnant. Apparently the exchange between SB and this friend went on for a month or so until the friend decided this guy is an enabling asshole…..and that was when I got a letter with some of the proof enclosed with it.

          I thought it pretty cold and calculated on SBs part, particularly since he claimed to be a Man of God. Where is the ambiguity in the Bible surrounding adultery? I think those parts were deleted from the version of the Bible taught in his church?

          So yeah….fuck the lot of them. I have had friends ask me to cover for them before and now I just cut them off at the knees. If you lie about stupid shit, you will lie about important shit.

          Funny thing…SB got married last August and asked Cheater to be an usher inthe wedding!! New wife knows about the deceitful behavior of her new hubby, but doesnt seem to connect that if he lied about something as dangerous as an affair, he might lie about other stuff? OH BUT NOT TO HER….he only does that to OTHER PEOPLE. They stood up in church before God with Cheater at their side. Karma is going to be a real bitch.

  • All of my close friends and family immediately dumped my then-husband and aligned with me when they found out about the affair, but of course, there were acquaintances who stayed “neutral” (no real loss to me, fortunately). I always wonder how many of them were cheaters in their own lives (one of them was for sure). My ex’s family was on my side for a long time, but now that I’m no longer in the picture, they’ve pretty much bought into my ex’s lies and no longer speak to me.

    While there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for my family, I would never support their cheating. One of my siblings did cheat, and the OW was loathsome, so we didn’t speak to him for a couple of years. Was it fun? No. Was it the right thing to do to show him that we didn’t support that behavior? Yes. I don’t get why people are so afraid to “judge” cheaters. What they did totally sucks. Why on earth would you ever pretend that it’s okay? Chances are, they are being asses in other ways, so you’re probably doing yourself a favor by distancing yourself from them!

    • I think it’s because we live in a society of non-accountability because it is confused with condemnation. Most people are reluctant to call bad behavior for what it is because of that. They think that being non-judgmental equates with being politically correct and in these times it might even be so. But it doesn’t make it right. There is no consideration for wisdom and all consideration for a false sense of civility. What these people fail to realize is that non-accountability is bad behavior in itself.

      • True, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” -Edmund Burke

  • Oh I feel your pain and weirdly your pleasure. I also had a MIL that was narcissistic, an encourager, and a cheater herself. He tried to take everything out of our accounts, he slandered me left and right, I can go on and on and I can blame no one but him – but his mother gave him plenty of direction. After all, she cheated on his dad, with his brother, then blamed his dad, married the brother, and now blames the brother (and the dad) for everything. It’s a hell of a story to tell…. Best to you Jim…and every chump I come across, best to everyone!

  • Wow! I can’t get over, once again, how spot-on you are! My STBX had family supporting him (so far as offering him their house for “overnights”), as well as co-workers and HER co-workers. When I wrote to their bosses, they each had a “whatever” attitude, because so many people do it (police officers and dispatchers). I am disgusted with the lot of them.

  • I lost my own husband when I was 7 months pregnant with my third child. The next few years were hell working two jobs to save my home. I had a good friend I had known for 10 plus years that I had tried to set up with a coworker. They dated for a few months and she broke it off. A few years later she is pregnant, alone, jobless and invite her into my home with my three children to land on her feet. She aborts that baby and immediately calls my friend who is now married and expecting a baby with his wife. Next thing I know he’s left his pregnant wife for my friend and sleeping on my couch. And they thought I’d be just fine with this. I kicked the both of them out where upon they moved into a home in foreclosure status to live rent free for about a year. Oh yes and then she became pregnant so he had a pregnant wife and a pregnant mistress. The two kids are about four months apart and are now 3 and they just had a new baby. So the chumped wife kinda blamed me but trust me I didn’t condone their behavior and I let them know and I kicked the both of them out of my house. I’m pleased to say the chumped wife is repartnered and striving as I knew she would be and my “friends” are still unmarried to each other, stressed about finances, and sharing a joint facebook page because ..wait for it.. they don’t trust each other.

  • Asshat’s co workers, and singing buddies. These people KNEW that the MOW was not me in all of those hotel rooms during all of those business and international barbershop singing competition trips. Hard to hide the fat pig MOW 24/7 in a room for more than 48hrs.

    Here’s the best kicker, last yr one of my youngest said to asshat that his friend’s father saw him at the airport. We live in Chicago, so O’Hare has some excellent people watching. The possibility of running into people you know or know of as a frequent traveler is great. So…..all of those times the MOW flew from Orange County CA to ORD to meet up with asshat and then fly with him to his destination….more than likely noticed by people we know in common.

    • Oh yeah, his family is 100% Switzerland because they were raised by cheaters themselves. They have all completely cut me out of the communication loop on things that affect my kids. Good riddance. I’ve know these people for over 20 yrs.

    • I’m with you ANC; I sat across from friends for 8 years at dinner parties who knew about X’s affair with a grad student, that he had taken grad-whore to Mexico for a conference, AND that he flirted/seduced other grad students ostentatiously at parties during those 8 years. Did I hear one peep from any of them? A single anonymous note? Nope. Public humiliation after the fact is not tasty.

      • Tempest

        When I was getting a degree in computer science I worked my ass off with two children at home to get high honors. One day as I sat there studying my professor approached me and let me know there was an easier way to get A’s. It disgusts me to this day. To have an accomplice in deceit, especially someone you thought was a friend is deplorable. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t report this creep. First I didn’t want to be responsible for destroying his marriage. As if it was my fault. And I knew he held a position of power over me and could have easily made my life miserable giving me failing grades instead. I chose silence. These are such predators using their power over and position to lure in their prey. Anyway my response to him was, no I actually have a brain. True friends would have been disgusted by his behavior. I am hoping your X had consequences for his behavior.

        • My daughter and I have delivered his only consequences, even though he has preyed on numerous students (and I have information that could bring his international reputation toppling down around his ears). The main affair that the sexual harassment officer knows about was not consequence worthy because (a) grad-slut agreed it was consensual, and (b) he had no supervisory duties over her whatsoever (she was in a different sub-program). While I have tremendous sympathy with some of the other students he seduced or tried to seduce when he did have power over them, I have limited sympathy for grad-whore, who was herself a narcissist, and a star-fucker trying to advance her career by latching onto a famous professor. Found out a few months she tried to (unsuccessfully) seduce a second big-name professor after my X ditched her 8 years ago. Sometimes the OWhores are almost as bad as the cheaters.

          • It will come out someday and he will loose all respect. I’m sure by now his colleagues are not all in support of his arrogance and entitlement. And they age terribly Tempest. When they deflate all that’s left is their false self bragging about things no one cares about anymore. I am very patiently waiting for the day X is totally on his own without the ability to mooch off of me any longer. Sometimes they get the delayed consequences delivered when they least expect it and the impact is the greatest. There is a difference between revenge and consequences. Timing is everything.

          • Hi Donna .. I’m curious: you say your ex left his AP eight years ago. Was this the same AP that broke up your marriage? The reason I’m asking is that in eight years I hope that my ex’s affair ( with a student 30 years his junior!) that ended our marriage is a far and distant memory and not still fresh in my mind …

            • Christina: I wondered if you might have meant your question for me? Yes, my X left his AP 8 years ago, but it is the affair that broke up our marriage after I found notes he had written to help himself respond to the sexual harassment officer (someone had reported him years later).

              X exhibited all the signs of faux remorse over the next 2 months, even though I had moved out of the master bedroom on D-day, and even though he know infidelity was a deal breaker for me (after all, he never believed I could leave his amazingness).

              And a lesson to everyone–the affair from 8 years ago turned out to be more substantial than he had reported, it was followed by an affair with an undergraduate, and then news that X had been a serial cheater for most of the past 8 years. Whatever you know is only 1/10th of the story.

            • And ironically, my X’s main affair was with someone 30 years younger than himself at the time, too.

        • And thanks for your support, Donna. All our friends are disgusted by his behavior, but most will keep in contact with him over me because they are in his department, not mine. It is what it is.

  • This hits home hard! My STBX declared he was leaving our marriage and didn’t tell my in-laws why. Then when he went to visit them a month later for TG, he took off for a romp with his OW (his college girlfriend 35 years past). He then wanted to reintroduce his family to her. No one wanted anything to do with her. Fast forward a few months, and he visits “mother/father” bringing OW along for the ride. Now he spends every vacation with her and on many of those trips, in-laws are with them. (This would have driven me CRAZY!) In any case, these are the same people who said they loved me — guess not, because they allowed her in with no questions asked. It really infuriates my kids that “grandma/grandpa” could turn their back on us and allow this adultery to take place in their own home(s) and own beds. I can understand that “he is their son” but these are the same “Christian” people who are so high and mighty in their church.

    In addition, there was a woman in town that I knew and when I told her that about his affair, her comment was “don’t blame the OW because I’m one!” Seriously?????!! Last I spoke to her! And good luck to her and her doctor bf because I’ve seen his smarmy hands in action. No prize there!

  • Now wait just a minute here…aren’t we taking things just a little too far?? Cheaters were not convinced, coerced or otherwise unduly influenced to cheat; the decision to cheat was theirs and theirs alone…as was the decision to commit. Which is what makes it so awful — and ultimately what is so good about it. The decision to cheat is such an indication of character and integrity or lack thereof.

    Now that said, I would support the idea that these cheaters were most likely enabled by their families growing up leading to the entitled assholes they ultimately became. Hell, in a way we enabled them when we did the ‘pick me dance’.

    • I agree chumps enable cheaters when we don’t set boundaries. We pay the cost for that too.

      I think that’s different from the people who sit on the sidelines, know about the affair, and cheer it on. Really it’s more aiding and abetting than it is “enabling.”

      But yes, what it all has in common is making excuses for cheaters.

      • Yes, anyone who would sit on the sidelines and cheer on an affair is a sick puppy. Just another indication of non-character. Good riddance!

        • HM

          Gilbert comes to my mind after reading your post. It takes two. I divorced my narcissist. I am inclined to agree it’s about their lack of character. I hold the X responsible. The OW are often portrayed as being innocent victims of the manipulative character disordered. No. They too manipulate, coerce, and influence the outcome. Gilbert (OW) bragged about her calculating, selfish conquests often STUDYING her targets partners. The decision to cheat IS a personal one. As far as accountability goes we need to hold both of them responsible. Victims? No.

          • Has anyone ever seen a video of Elizabeth Gilbert speak? She tries to come off as sincere and friendly, but its just so fake. It would be interesting to watch some videos of known cheaters in conversation, just to study their behavior and mannerisms when interacting with people they’re trying to *sparkle* for. I guess all of us here have a sixth sense about fake people now because of our experience with narcissists. But it would be interesting to note what commonalities all the *sparkly* people have.

            • They usually have a fake-voice. 99% of them do, anyway.
              They change their voice when they try to act nice.

            • If you want to watch videos of known cheaters, there’s 8+ years of videos every time Clinton opened his mouth during his presidency. EVERY time, he attempted to **sparkle** the American people. I was just out of high school when he was first elected, and he always weirded me out, but I didn’t know why. It was my instinct screaming at me but I didn’t know what it was. Five years later or so it was the whole wagging his finger in our faces on air saying, “Listen to me…I did not – have sex, with that woman…Ms. Lewinsky.” We all know how THAT attempt to sparkle us turned out.

          • Hey Donna,

            I didn’t agree with the Gilbert post either but that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.

            I don’t think the APs are victims – much to the contrary. I bet in near 99.9% of the cases they were savvy to what was going on and are equally to blame. Maybe there is a slim number of cases where they too were duped but it doesn’t matter – once they found out they should of run or they’re culpable too.

            Maybe it just comes down to how I interpret the term “enabler”. I think of the alcoholic who continues to drink because there are no real consequences to his/her actions. Taking these jerks back enabled any further betrayal and deception. NOT that it’s our fault at all! We’re Chumps! We saw the best in them! *hearts*.

            I just don’t know if I would blame anyone else for the cheater’s cheating…they ultimately pulled the trigger.

      • My STBX was cheating with his 23yr old employee. He is a pharmacist and she is a tech. A lot of the techs were 20 something little girls that I have lovingly named the “Cheater Cheerleaders” who thought it was oh so “romantic”. They wrote the schedule and would always schedule the STBX and HOmewrecker the same shifts. Spread rumors about me going up to the store causing hell (lies) and basically being a bat shit crazy wife (TIRED symdrome but they never saw it). Funny though there were two older female techs- both mothers – who BOTH reached out to me after D-Day and said how disgusted they were with STBX and the HOmewrecker. They later got in trouble for gossiping. Because you know such a “professional” environment will support cheating but don’t talk bad about your boss who is doing it! I thanked them kindly for their support but said I did not want them jeopardizing their jobs in any way. They are both looking to transfer stores because it has become so ridiculous. Sad how 8 years of school and a doctorate degree and the STBX’s biggest stress at work is people gossiping about him! I love that so much!

        • OMG! My STBX is a pharmacist and his latest OW, who he is madly in love with and can’t wait to marry, is a pharmacy tech 15 years his junior, who works for him. The OW before this one was a pharmacy tech too, and he was gonna leave me for her, except she went back to her husband (and I stupidly took STBX back because he swore he would change, would never cheat again and that he would prove we could make it work, ha, ha, ha). All his pharmacy techs seem to be young and they all ADORE him! He treats them all like princesses and flirts like crazy. I am sure they all think I was a terrible wife and horrible person and how could I treat such a wonderful man so badly! I’m sure he got tons of support from them, lots of just make yourself happy speeches and OW is so great and you two make such a great couple, and as long as you are happy, who cares about your wife! He told everyone our marriage had been over for a long time, news to me, so I’m sure in their eyes he has done nothing wrong.

          • Oh, and I put STBX through pharmacy school, working sometimes two jobs with two small children and pregnant towards the of school. He had a group of school friends, all women, who hero worshiped him. All his techs have hero worshiped him, guess I should hero worshiped him to make him not cheat! But he is willing to throw away 21 years of marriage for latest OW, whom he has known for less than a year and admitted that she always picks the wrong guy and has only had shitty relationships, but she is super special, his one true love, his only shot at happily ever after! And he will change for her and she will change for him and the 15 year age difference will never be a problem! As for me, I am just glad I finally saw the light and I am divorcing his sorry ass. STBX and OW are welcome to their “happily ever after!”

            • TossedAway, His loss! Nothing says stupid more loudly than an affair. As soon as I knew POSex was cheating I dumped his pathetic sorry ass, fuck 28 years together. What complete and utter stupid decision making, who places sex before all else? and I am so much better off without disordered. How these “people” move through life is way beyond me! Like, Who the fuck DOES this!?!?

            • The 15 year age gap WILL make a difference when he reaches 60. He will be thrown out like yesterdays garbage. In any case who wants an insipid weakling anyway. You are so better off without him.

              • I’ve seen the lovely OW years later after becoming the next wife for a colleague’s cheating ex. It’s not really fair but she got hit by the karma stick and the cheater is doing okay.

                The age gap probably allowed her to think she was getting a real deal but he’s only got half the accumulated wealth she thought he had after the divorce. He’d been paying child support to his ex and couldn’t seem to get any farther ahead financially especially as new wife had no income potential (her particular “job” earns just over minimum wage). And he was older so he only had so many years left to save money and add to his now diminished pension.

                Now years down the road, next wife is a caretaker for her older retired (much smaller pension than expected) POS. And she’s now passed her best buy date by hooking up and staying with a lying cheating narcissist. Stuck with a sick man from another generation. Still working to make ends meet. She could divorce him but then her income will dwindle down even more.

                Not exactly the stuff of dreams when she split up his first marriage. Her happily ever after truly sucks.

  • After the affair was discovered, XH kept on insisting that “everyone involved” thought I was in the wrong and he was better off with the downgrade. I asked, “Who is’ everyone involved’?” His idiot party friends / dance studio co-workers, who had never even met me. People who were good buddies with his mistress. OF COURSE they weren’t going to recommend that he stick with his wife over the downgrade.

    I tried to warn him that these people weren’t really his friends. That as soon as he stopped being useful to them, they would get scarce.

    I was right. The mistress dumped him before the divorce was final and “everyone involved” got a whole lot less involved in his life. They have never been there for him when he needed a ride or some cash. Called it.

    • Rarity, I got a version of this after the “ILYBINILWY” speech the X he told me he was leaving. I didn’t know that he was going to go live with OW at that point, but it should have been a red flag when he told me that he had talked to “everyone” over the previous three years to figure out what to do because he was “unhappy”. (Talked to everyone but me, of course.) It turned out that “everyone” included his previous OW, the people he worked with, and all his family (mother, brother and sister all serial cheaters). “Everyone” thought he should leave me too. Of course, nobody bothered to ask me what I thought, and after 3+ years of him controllling the narrative there was no point in me spending any time or effort defending myself to a bunch of losers.

      His family cut me off from that point on, after 30+ years of acquaintance. Same with the work colleagues and a few assorted friends. I’m better off without them anyway, but it still galls me that I was played the fool. I can tell you that will never happen again. Him? I don’t hear much but he’ living with his equally dysfunctional father and the OW seems to have dropped out of the picture. All I can do now is wish that everything he has put out into the world comes back to him threefold. Meh!

  • Love this article! i was just reflecting yesterday on a guy I knew from my hometown. Definitely from a narcissistic family, all thought they were above everyone else but I will admit they had powerful and attractive personalities and all very good looking. So this guy marries a lovely woman, they have two kids, he leaves her for a skanky stripper, publicly humiliates his wife and ends up married to the skanky, uneducated stripper. His x wife married a few years later to a rather nice guy but bit of a bum when it comes to making a living. Get this, she and the stripper are facebook friends and due to a crisis situation with one of their children that made the news she raved about what a wonderful and dedicated father he was in news print. Umm no he was just your typical narcissist jerk that showed up for kid’s sport games cause the kid was a promising athlete but that ended due to a severe injury the kid sustained. So basically this woman is still feeding his ego and so wants to be in his good graces. Pathetic.

    • Oh and I should add that I do not know of one single person that took him to task. Except that he should have been promoted at his place of work as before the affair he was a rising star. He just retired at the same level he was when the affair started, that must have killed him and I have heard feedback of how frustrated he was with the department.

  • My or should I say our 2 adult children were their father’s enablers and protectors, along with some of his work colleagues and they are now his ex work colleagues as he lives in Cambodia but many of them have already visited him and his young babe and her 2 little ones. It all looks so rosy from afar like he has landed in paradise and I am living in hell.

    • Maree

      My children enabled him also because he was convincing. He was a simpleton always laughing and I sparkled him for so long he was the good guy in their eyes. Yet I was left in shambles. My therapist is amazing and even though my instincts and love for him continued and made me want to protect him I finally saw the fucker for the asshole he has always been. Unfortunately, their power and control over their children continues and it’s the card played by the most hateful grandiose self inflated narcissists like your X. This is a pain above all others. My children finally saw him with his mask off. X fell apart as he has minimal contact ” duty” a few times a year with them. He also dumped my granddaughter who also sees him for what he is. There is no comfort other that knowing your own truth. You didn’t deserve this!! Spend your time on those worthy of all you have to offer rather than wasting your gifts on the unappreciative. You are free to find happiness on your terms from now on.

      • Thank you Donna for your wise support. I was doing so well and now I am stuck again. I know I am a very strong person but I am to the stage where I am going to see my GP next week to discuss me seeing a therapist as I feel such a failure and so worthless. That was not in my plans to speak to anyone except Chump Nation and my sister and whilst she is now supportive of me, she is still making excuses for the ex in his search for himself knowing what he is up to and the destruction he has caused. Her own 40 year old son is struggling terribly with the end of his marriage and she sees the destruction that betrayal, rejection and abandonment causes and yet she still defends my ex.

        • Maree: You have been very hard-done by. It takes my breath away that your jackass X has hoodwinked your children, too. If your sister has been supportive, but is making excuses for ex, she may have a personal reason for doing so. Do you know if she has had an affair and is trying to justify it, even retrospectively?

          And please realize that these people who defected to evil X’s side, or who are playing Switzerland are not right. Integrity doesn’t come with fractions.

          • Thank you Tempest. No, my sister, like me has only ever been with her husband and that has been well over 40 years and he is a terrific bloke although she has always fancied other blokes but she has never acted on that or made a secret of it, whereas I was just happy with my Mr.Burns lookalike and was content. But she just doesn’t get it. I didn’t until it happened to me. Now that I have seen how gorgeous, thin and delicate the ex’s girl is, I feel like Shrek and I am 5ft 6ins and 112 lbs but I feel ugly and old. I am not going to allow him to have that power over me any more, hence me going to speak with a therapist. He would be loving my pain and he just keeps turning the knife, ever so slowly.

            • Hi Maree, if you google Graham Cleghorn Cambodia you will find that life in Cambodia does not always turn out the way these creeps think! Karma might just be around the corner!
              Hope this ‘cheers you up a bit’.

              • Thank you for that information Koru and yes, it did cheer me up a bit. I read the articles and he got what he deserved. I don’t think my ex would stoop this low but you never know. My ex lives with his common law wife and 2 little boys and seems very happy I can tell you. He does everything for this girl and when he was married to me I had to do everything. From the information I am reading, he is drinking a lot of things he never drank back home in Australia. If he keeps the drinking up he will die. He has what he wants and that is a young body which he could not get here in Melbourne. She is getting what she wants and that is to be kept. Can I say, I actually reverted back to my birth name 12 months ago because I was afraid he would make the papers one day and I don’t want any connection to him. Scary isn’t it?

              • Warning: Rant alert here. Proceed at your own peril! This shit infuriates me.

                So, he thinks he’s happy in a third world country with some 2 dollar whore, right? Maybe in his delusional mind.
                The drinking seems to tell me otherwise though. No doubt drowning his sorrows in that crap (though of course this would never reach your ears as he has to control the narrative to you to make you feel worse).
                To anyone with integrity – hes an old has-been prick. With a third world tart. Theres a reason these old Aussie men go for South East Asian women – its because they can’t attract anything worthwhile here and absolutely MUST have someone (they can’t live alone = no kibbles you see!)
                If you ever get wind of his two dollar whore wanting to come here, I think a call to Immigration reporting possible immigration fraud would work wonders. After all – he fucked your life – you might as well destroy any chance of that shit happening. Wouldn’t want third world tart here, anyway – she’d be yet another entitled leech on our already burdened welfare system.
                Being 5’6 and 50ish kilos is NOT a bad thing (You’re almost the same height/weight as me, haha – except the age difference). You at least have food – she probably has to fuck randoms to scrape up enough money for it. Or she’s leeching off King Fuckwit. You know you have the better life here, Maree.
                You’re not a failure or worthless. Your only crime was having too much love to give, to someone who has no fucking concept whatsoever of what real love, life or self respect is. Throwing your love into a black hole which was covered with a smokescreen so you couldn’t see it. And that is NEVER a bad thing. In fact, if someone EVER mentions that you’re a failure or worthless, they’re a fucking worthless prick themselves.

        • Maree

          I went to my GP the week after DDay. I take medication and it has helped me with my depression and clarity to focus on myself. I found a therapist knowledgable about narcissisistic abuse in relationships. He deals specifically with relationships. Make sure to find somekne that has this background and thoroughly understands. I believe he is a social worker. CN is amazing however this combination worked for me. Now and then I go off the medication and I can’t manage my emotions.
          Support systems are tricky. I found my sister couldn’t understand whatsoever. You shodnt be put in any position where your truth is countered by someone who has NO idea of the pain this caused you. This is so much to deal with alone. My therapist also recommended a group for support. This has to be about you Maree. Get all the support to help you get through this and to get stronger.

  • My ex-husband’s friends all acted shocked by his affair. “Couldn’t believe he would do something like this to the kids and I”. Then I started reading old emails and realized these assholes knew all along what he was like. The only reason they were shocked is that he actually got caught this time and I said “enough”. My favorite “friend” explained that he had “no idea the he was doing this and he felt terrible he hadn’t done anything to stop it”. Really? Well maybe he could have mentioned something when the OW showed up to the boy’s golf weekend. Maybe he could have forwarded the email about this while it was being set up. But no, best to stay out of it and play innocent. So glad to be done with all of these idiots.

  • Wow these stories are just awful. It’s one thing to accept that your partner is cheating, but another to find that people you called family and friends have helped them do it. My stbx family knew about his affair with his co-worker before I did. MIL helped my stbx to make comparison tables between me, his partner of 13yrs (wife of 6yrs) and smoopie before d-day. Apparently i’m better at planning. They let him stay with them when he “needed space because he was depressed” aka to cheat with smoopie. When I last saw her, a month after d-day, MIL told me that stbx wouldn’t have cheated if I’d just had a baby with him a year prior? In a specific year… really? Somehow I think if I’d done that I’d have a newborn right now and still a stbx. My divorce will be final in a month or two (have to wait at least a year to file in Australia), but my parents in law already welcome smoopie into their home and publically support her. They seem to have done so ever since d-day. It’s hard not to feel doubly chumped… not only by my stbx but by the people I called family for the past decade. I’m not expecting they take my side (they are related to stbx not me after all) but at least wait until my stbx bothers to do the divorce paperwork before they champion the other woman. I know I can’t do anything about it, but it makes me wonder what kind of lies he’s told them about me along the way. I guess at least it’s clear where stbx gets it from.

  • In my case, the enablers are the MOWhore herself.. who STBX still claims is “just a friend”.. and who understands what he’s going through emotionally, thus a great support. Which is why one sunny weekend, when my parents were visiting (people he did NOT want to face under the circumstances), he took off to hang out with her, and lied to me about it because he says “I would have shamed him”. Uh, yeah.. because hanging out with Owhore and lying about it DESERVES shame!!! This is the woman he pledged to have No More Contact with after I found months of daily call/text interactions. This after I got the ILYBNILWY speech on BD. Just a FRIEND! He’s INNOCENT! She’s just helping him sort himself out!

    Another enabler is his IC.. who is “supposedly” a “holy man” with a seminary degree, yet according to STBX.. has encouraged him “not” to tell me about his weekend escapade with MOW.. predicted if he did.. I would “shame” him. So therefore, he should keep the details of contact with Owhore to himself. Has encouraged him that “whatever he does is wrong and he can’t make me happy”.. and that “close friendships between men and women are completely normal- even when married, and should not be discouraged”. Says IC told him my response after finding the months of cell phone calls/texts.. I should have asked “nicely” for him to “cut back” contact with Owhore… rather than CUT it off. See, I denied him access to a “really good friend”. Gag!!

    This guy is either a total quack, or STBX is lying. I know he’s a liar so the latter is most likely.

    • Hs howorker OW told him that maybe her role in his life was to help him learn to love me. When she came to his military retirement ceremony she saw the scrapbook I made of his career and said there was “so much love” in it…which, of course, endeared her to him even more…what a sweet OW to make such observations (gag and hock up a hairball here).

      Now that H has met his Maker, I assume he has learned a few things and he probably does love me now. BFD, I don’t care, Im still massively angry at him.

  • A guy friend and his wife are going through a nasty divorce. I was shocked as her female friends (not my friends) play right into the CheaterWife’s choices, telling her that she was RIGHT, her perfectly nice husband was too controlling – objecting to her spending thousands of their savings on clothes, not discussing “work travel plans” (with her AP boss) with him until the day before she left so he had to figure out the altered family schedule/child care, her moving large amounts of money around in their accounts without telling him. They told her she had a RIGHT to be happy and she had the RIGHT to cheat when her marriage left her so unfulfilled.

    These women justified her shitty, selfish behavior over and over and reinforced her “right” to behave so in her own head. They provided alibis and misdirected when her husband asked where his wife had been for hours of unaccounted time. They told her to “fly and be free” when she should have been making an honest, adult effort at repairing her marriage or end it with some integrity. I am aware it’s impossible to really know what happens in someone else’s marriage, but the husband showed no signs of being a narc, was an awesome, generous friend and was taking care of her children (his step kids) while she was cheating. What was amazing was that – despite the fact that I was Husband’s friend before I met her, she thought that I would take her side during the cheating and “pick her” in the divorce – because I was a woman, you see, and women have to support other women.

    Nope, no thank you. I’m happy to stay friends with the guy who “made you so miserable” by asking you not to move the family vacation savings to an account he didn’t have access to. What a jerk he is.

    So, when I watched one of my own friends start exhibiting the same shitty, selfish behavior as above, I decided I had to make my position more clear. Her husband WAS immature, codependent, selfish and not a great partner, BUT when she started seeing someone else and she asked me what I thought, I told her she needed to end one relationship before she started another. That I knew why she was unhappy and she had every right to be, but she had more integrity than this and needed to behave like an adult before her lies and antics got recorded as evidence in divorce court. So she didn’t change her behavior, she just stopped sharing with me and went to our more sympathetic mutual friends. And I was slowly frozen out of the friend group because I was “judgmental” and “not supportive” and “refused to understand.”

    So basically, this is a story about me losing a bunch of people I thought were my friends. But the friends I have left are truer and kinder and don’t drop me the minute I don’t support them behaving like assholes.

    • For the record, the husband in the first case DID know about all of his wife’s behavior. Otherwise, I would have told him. The couple tried to work it out for about six months after DDay before he filed for divorce. CheaterWife never stopped seeing AP during this time, why would she when she received so much cheerleading from her friends?

    • pucksmuse – Thanks for sharing that. In some ways, I’ve got a similar story with me STBXW. She has a couple of friends who supported her in some ways, helped her to move out secretly after I told her that I was filing because of her financial infidelities and her cheating, taking whatever they wanted. I’m assuming that they knew about the cheating at some level, and when I explained to them that maybe they were not getting the honest story, or at least not the entire story, they didn’t even want to hear it, and instead wanted to make assumptions about what I was thinking and feeling, and lecture me on peace and forgiveness. It was kind of surreal.

      Her mother and sister understandably supported her, but did it in ways that threw me under the bus, blaming me for her behavior and decisions to wreck havoc on our finances and to cheat with the aging town philanderer.

      Interestingly, her sister is married to a former chump, and her mother is a former chump (her dad cheated on her and later married the OW). So… that’s just some crazy double standard of support that I cannot get my head around for the life of me.

      Of course, I expecr family to stay together. But to blame the chump? To not say “I love you, dear, but you really f—ed up here and you need to, at a minimum, apologize to those you’ve wronged and to whom you’ve lied” in a supportive way? Sorry, but that just seems loony-bin-level crazy to me. I’d never let my daughter get away with cheating on a spouse, even if the marriage was unhappy (I’d hope that she’d have enough integrity and gumption to stand up for herself in that case, and/or leave the marriage honorably).

  • When I was married, my wife’s support network bent over backward to try to blame me for her cheating. Heck, even after six months in which the cheating and lying didn’t stop, when my MIL mocked my filing for divorce as an “ability to handle problems.”

    During my divorce process, my wife e-mailed me telling me that her friends and family had helped to “set her back on the right track” or other such enlightenment, and she (again) both asked for another chance and not-so-subtly implied that I was the cause of her affair.

    I’ve since found what being “on the right track” meant.

    During our 9-month divorce process, my wife continued sleeping with her AP while he got engaged and then married to his decade-long girlfriend. Right around the time my divorce was finalized (and my wife stopped asking me to reconsider), he used his affair to exit his own marriage. And today, these two former APs are a couple…with photos of their good times on social media!

    So, I agree! I agree that ex-wife’s affair-enabling friends and family “set her on the right track.” This is clearly a track that these two people should be on together. My ex-wife and her boy now each have a partner who understands how difficult fidelity can be. I’m sure that, when one of these two serial cheaters begins having another affair, the other will be wholly understanding and supportive. They can be affair enablers for one another!

    • It amazes me that people think that people who cheat are suitable partners. I guess it goes back to that “exceptionalism” thing.. They are exceptional, misunderstood, their schmoopie love is unique.

      Gag Gaggety Gag.

      • OWhore wrote, in one of her literary-masterpiece emails to a (former) “friend” who was supporting her and Fucktard: “Knowing what I now know about him, were he to marry me, I am sure he could never be unfaithful, as I would be a ‘true’ wife to him.”

        She was under the bus within DAYS.

        Go, karma, go.

      • My STBX’s OW is special, the love of his life, the best thing that ever happened to him, so of course he would never cheat on her (sarcasm)! I just keep thinking, if he will cheat on me to be with her, he will cheat on her when he gets bored, if she doesn’t constantly kiss his ass or when he finds someone younger!

    • I can only speak from the male betrayed perspective, but, in my case, I am pretty sure my XW’s female friends heard that I was abusive, or controlling, uncommunicative or emotionally unavailable or some comb platter of those things. I have spoken to many betrayed men and in a large % of cases , these seem to be the standard allegations leveled against a male betrayed.
      I expect there are standard, common allegations leveled against women who are betrayed, as well. although they may be different.
      Folks like stereotypes and, as mentioned, they almost seem to need to believe the crap the cheater disseminates in order to feel safe themselves.
      When you are coming out of a relationship with a NPD, you have heard enough criticism and have , usually, had your self esteem damaged so much already, that having others believe this stuff about you is very hard to deal with.
      It is bad enough to have been cheated on and lied to, but these cheaters have no compunction about also destroying your reputation. You know they are bad people when they have no problem trying to do this to you.

      • Yes, Arnold. My wife leveled the “uncommunicative” charge against me. She also tried the “emotionally unavailable” one, although friends and family didn’t buy that one, given I’m a heart-on-your-sleeve kind of man. As my current girlfriend says, I’m an “emotional whale.”

        Post-divorce, as time has passed, I’ve occasionally seen the people in my old life. If the topic comes up, I observe how the justification keeps changing. I do believe the latest excuse was that during our marriage, for 2 days per week in 26 weeks per year, I came home at 9:30 p.m. instead of 6:30 p.m., as I attended night school to get my MBA. These 6 hours of alone time per week left my wife with a gaping emotional need that only another man could fill (pun intended!).

        And people buy into this BS! I heard this “explanation” from a former friend, who is himself a fellow chump. 15 years ago, his first wife cheated on him, and he eventually had to divorce because she wouldn’t stop. Now happily remarried, he looks back and thinks that the reason his wife cheated on him was because he “was working too much on the house.” And he equates both (a) his working on the house to provide a solid roof for his family, and (b) my attending night school to increase my income, as actions that led our wives to cheat. It’s sad; I used to admire the guy. Now I just think he’s permanently broken.

        Cheaters don’t respect you for pulling your own weight as a man (or as a woman). They respect how you make them feel immediately, here and now, in the short term. They don’t have the capacity to think long term.

        • SOOO True. Mine said on more than one occasion that housework, cooking, even taking care of kids wasn’t showing “love”.. those were “chores” and didn’t show enough appreciation. Here I was, running a house, raising kids, working a job, taking care of finances.. but because I was too tired for daily sex, or because I didn’t buy him the right gifts (he is REALLY hard to buy for) I didn’t love him enough. Makes me totally SICK to my stomach to think of that. All those years by his side, none of it meant anything to him. The sparkly Owhore came along and complimented his new clothes, his weight loss and his fancy car and that was worth more than nearly 2 decades of loyal marriage. JERK!

        • It is so sad that people actually buy this crap about working too much or going to school as causing the cheating. I heard much the same thing.

      • “Cheaters don’t respect you for pulling your own weight as a man (or as a woman). They respect how you make them feel immediately, here and now, in the short term. They don’t have the capacity to think long term.”


        Also – I got the controlling/abusive claim leveled against me, too. But only *after* DDay, of course.

      • Hey Arnold, it isn’t just men who get this BS. I discovered after D-Day (me too, sephage!) that according to X I was all these things – emotionally abusive, controlling, uncommunicative and emotionally unavailable. Not that he ever brought up any of this to me as he dozed in his recliner watching TV night after night (after a home cooked meal) while I was working shifts full time, taking care of all the housework and home repairs and renovations, looking after the kids and sleeping four hours a night myself.

        Yep, for them it’s all about the now, the short term gratification, the quick thrill.

          • Very well written article. I know my first wife claims abuse. Took me sometime to realize she was the abuser. I never, ever got physical , despite severe provocation. One time only, when she lambasted me for failing to take out the garbage the night i arrive back from seeing my dying father, did i fire back and tell her she was a selfish asshole.
            that was enough. I was now an abuser.

            • 4 years ago I confronted my wife with evidence of where she had been the entire night when she had claimed she was working. This was in our garage as I was leaving for work and she was just coming home. This infuriated her and she made a fist and acted like she was about to punch me. I recently ran into my ex SIL and now the story is I threatened her that day and I made the fist, and she was afraid. SIL said she was shocked because I didn’t seem like that, I told her the truth but after 3 years of being bad mouthed by ex and her Mother the truth has been painted over. I have even heard “I understand but you can’t threaten a woman” and when you explain this never happened you get the doubt that comes from years of lies. Oh well, at least my kids still ask them to stop when the lies start about how Mom and POS met

        • My cheater labelled me a “workaholic” because I had a well paying job (supporting both of us) which required occasional travel. His unemployed ass sat at home, and after d-day, I discovered he had filled his lonely hours humping the OW in my bed. She thought the house half belonged to him, and got the shock of her life when I kicked him out and he ended up sleeping on her couch (I laughed so hard when I realized she only had a single bed in her bachelor apt so they couldn’t actually share it to sleep). She wrote me emails asking why I hadnt put his name on the house deed…erm, it belonged to me.

          Their enablers? Her bad ass mother who desperately wanted her pimply assed, obese 35+ daughter with rotten teeth to find a baby daddy. I still wonder how Ex could have gone from being with an educated, fit, employed GF to producing spawn with such a creature. He’s now full on the next OW, only this time he will get done for child support. The guy doesnt need enablers to ruin a whole lot of innocent lives. Too bad he is superficially charming.

      • Yes Arnold. My fiancé’s first wife had a specific friend who egged on her “he is controlling and emotionally unavailable” crap. She left him and went searching for greener pastures. There was a Guido sort in the background and she moved to NJ for a time but that ended at some point. She much later married a guy who seems like a nice enough fellow but who will never come close to providing the creature comforts she was seeking. I never wanted to be rich, I really would have been happy in middle class, but I will appreciate the security soon to be h will provide for me. Oh the irony of it all.

  • My daughter’s godfather and best friend of XH knew all along. Makes me sick. Aided, abetted, enabled…now invites XH & OW to their family gatherings. i have been summarily replaced.

    Like Divorce Minister said, a lot of people believe the justifications. This is what makes me angriest, still. The deceitful narrative XH tells his family and his closest friends (it changed from the initial he was at fault and remorseful to i was so awful to live with and he is so happy now!). this is the same man who now shames his adult daughters into thinking they are the ones with the problem for not accepting him for who he is. now. and not accepting adulteress who lied to her own family for 4 years of the affair and who fully expects to have a great relationship with my daughters. why not? she always gets what she wants and has done nothing wrong…(ow tangent, sorry. just found out they bought a house together…having some Grrrr today)

    i know the truth. i know i have a laundry list of human flaws. and i KNOW i did not cause that man to cheat and i KNOW i put up with and forgave A LOT of his character deceits that led up to this. i was a good enough wife. EX-Wife! amen.

    my plea, posted elsewhere, is to tell. Tell Tell Tell the chump what you know or suspect about a partner’s cheating. send an anonymous email if direct contact doesn’t work for you. but tell.

  • We’ve been married for over 30 years and I have to say, nobody who knows us both has enabled her cheating and affairs. MIL, who had a long term affair herself, told me she loved me, that my wife was crazy, and took my son and I to dinner. SIL and I talk, and she will listen to the W, but she has told her she cannot support what she has been doing.

    My best friend, who has known her as long as I have and who has shared much time with us as a couple, doesn’t vent about her and is civil to her, but totally in my corner. Other friends have not rejected her and are friendly to her, but have expressed their dismay and sadness to me, and that they had hoped she was going through a phase.

    Basically, everyone has been as supportive of me as I could have hoped. OTOH, no one has really lambasted her in my presence, but I do not encourage that – I tend to be the stoic, reserved type.

    Very lucky I guess.

    • My STBX’s family has also been supportive. His MO has been to deny, deny deny.. which does get him some support from people who don’t know me, and that he can make me out to be the wicked witch of the west. His IC.. who likely only knows half the story, the Owhore herself, various “new” friends who don’t know me.. he’s virtually cut out all his old friends, barely talks to family, isn’t speaking to his brother who tried to talk sense into him. Doesn’t talk to anyone.

      It’s very sad.

      • Yes, my W has basically cut off virtually all her former friends and has no interest in them. She once said she “needed new friends”, she was tired of her friends who were all “old and boring”. She wanted new, young, fun friends who wanted to go out and party and dance! Keep in mind, she is in her late 50’s, she is not 35.

        She isn’t close with her sister any more or her mom. Her sister told me that she would sometimes talk to W, but W was mad that her sister would not be a sort of “partner in crime” and party with her; or giggle about her new, naughty life; or be a wing man if they went out.

        She made a couple of new, young single friends, but they now have new boyfriends and less time to spend making the scene with W.

        As you say, very sad. She was 10 feet tall and bulletproof when she started up, but the sparkles are gone.

        • Chumpguy, yes! They all suddenly believe they are 10 Ft. Tall and bulletproof! My ex is 60 years old and suddenly believes he can recapture his youth by screwing this idiot downgrade and hanging with her delusional, old cheater friends! Apparently the condo they share now has no mirrors or his rose colored glasses are fooling him! I say, screw these fools! Like I told him the day he moved out, Affairs never end well, but they DO indeed end! I just hope it’s a true train wreck for him! The downgrade white trash he hooked up with on Facebook is a real “con” artist and a liar. Common sense tells you that she will get bored with my ex senior citizen and move on to the next “Mark” at some point!

            • I’m doing well. thanks for asking FooledMeTwice. My sister had a beautiful send off and I was amazed at all the people who showed up to the funeral! She was not rich monetarily, but she was rich with good friends! I am taking a bit of time to be with my kids and grandkids before heading home. Just going to make every moment count. I hope I will be as well liked/loved as my dear sister was!

        • Turns out that middle aged people are in fact, middle aged. There is no getting 25, 30 or 35 back. I think my H was in some sort of mid life crisis.. tired of me, I never satisfied him, he got bored, lost weight, tanned, started “ahem” Manscaping… told me he was annoyed “I never noticed his new look”.. maybe I was too knee deep in baby and kids, plus I liked the old slightly chubby guy, he was sweeter and more fun. I never cared about his looks. That isn’t why I loved him. He bought a new crazy expensive car, and I am sure impresses Owhore with all this. Some women are easily impressed with the superficial. But not the right ones. I have tried to tell H this but of course, he won’t listen to me. He will find out like your W has, Chumpguy.

          I guess I am boring.. 42 and I like to have a good time, but to me, there is nothing better than a warm home, a person to love you, and children to cuddle with. I can leave the party scene.. my idea of heaven is a family. I thought that’s what I had. But apparently, it wasn’t enough for him. It’s tragic really.

          • No no no no no newchumpatl! Don’t buy the mid-life crisis bullshit. It’s not true. You are NOT boring; you are just a responsible adult.

            He has done you a favour by getting out of your life. You are a happy, decent person with depth and values, and he is a shallow manscaper who wants a bit of strange.

            The worst part is that the ‘old slightly chubby guy’ who was sweet and fun has now gone. In fact, it’s harrowing to think that he was never really there. THIS is the heartbreaker, as it was for me – that you end up missing the lie.

          • Reminds me of my father! 42 and dressing like a much younger flashier man. My mother was beside herself! Being a teen, I let him have it! I pointed out each detail as only teens can. Well the years passed. They stayed together. When he grew too feeble to care for himself, my mother put him in a home. He used to beg to go to his own house but mom refused. He eventually died in that nursing home. After his funeral my mother went to the mall… She is still living quite well on the money he left her. I guess sometimes Karma is a bitch and other times the betrayed spouse gets to be the bitch.

  • My ex’s two best buddies knew about his five year long affair the entire time and did absolutely nothing to stop it or notify me. One buddy was his best man when we got married. Both are men that we often went out to dinner with. One of them is my boss! Sticky situation to find yourself in maybe…..but perhaps telling their friend that he either needs to end it or confess or they will tell me about it, would have helped!

    When I ended our 23 year marriage my in-laws were initially supportive. Then I began hearing through other people that perhaps there were “issues” in our marriage that caused his cheating. That perhaps after the first dday I just couldn’t “let it go” and I “continued to bring up the past” that caused the continued cheating!!!! Yep… guessed it…….all my fault! I suppose it is easier to place blame elsewhere than to have these thoughts about your own flesh and blood. After all, then they would have to questions where THEY went wrong in raising him.

    My opinion on this issue is that so many people, even chumps, have a very difficult time understanding how someone could DO something like this. The deception, lies, destruction and lack of empathy is so vile it boggles the mind. So……in an attempt to understand it the enabler or “get away driver” makes excuses for the behavior or downplays the seriousness of it. UNTIL……….IT HAPPENS TO THEM!!!!


      YES, Kimmy! I have often wondered what these enablers would have *advised* if it was us CHUMPS who were the ones who were cheating on their precious offspring or friends! !

      I could almost hear them say, “Divorce him/her and GO FOR THE JUGULAR!”

    • “I suppose it is easier to place blame elsewhere than to have these thoughts about your own flesh and blood. After all, then they would have to questions where THEY went wrong in raising him.”

      This. Totally. It requires a lot of mental work to make sense of it. Reevaluating a relationship is icky work, and many people don’t want to messy up their lives like that.

    • After being on this site for 8 months now, I am so convinced that there are intelligent, witty, compassionate people of integrity out in the world that there is NO reason to maintain contact with cheater apologists and those who would blame the victim. We have finite time on this earth, and I personally would prefer to spend elective time with good rather than weak people.

    • Kimmy

      One if my adult children stated, dad said you never forgave him fior cheating. Ok that is just how fucked up cheater logic runs. So as a result he picks up a bar whore, gets a hotel and moved on with her weeks later.? And it was a clean cut break with no apology no explaination I was erased. Moron.

  • You want to hear about enablers?!? Woah boy . . .

    My X FIL, who was actually LIVING with us at the time, was giving my X his credit card so he could get rooms with his butter-faced whore on Friday afternoons. See, she was married too, so aside from blowing my husband at the local park during lunch, Friday was the days they picked to smash genitals. Because I knew about all our credit cards and withdrawal activity at the bank, dear old dad stepped in and gave X his plastic. I had no clue.

    And here I am, making this son-of-a-bitch delicious sandwiches, tasty dinners, and emptying his waste basket because he was too lazy to use his catheter in the BATHROOM. When I think of how many times this guy actually missed the basket, I want to stick his face in it.

    When D-day hit, I threw them both out, post-haste. My X then proceeded to tell all who would listen that I threw him and his poor invalid father out into the street and they had no where to go and were forced to sleep in his car. GASP! He failed to mention the events that led up to his dismissal; all his chums on Facebook then swarmed around him in support telling him what a fine, upstanding dude he was.

    At one point, I heard that some people thought less of me because I should have let Stinky McPoop-pants stay at my house until the X got settled somewhere.

    Um, fuck all that.

    • Well, now daddy could just rent the motel room for all three of them. I’m sure OW was happy to change his wastebasket. Right? Out of gratitude for his help, and all.

      • Nope. Actually the X dumped him off in some shitty apartment a couple blocks away from where he now resides with Butter-face. This was comical to me since it was IMPERATIVE he live with us so we could nurse him back to health, since he was in such dire straights, you see. Once the jig was up, suddenly daddy’s health wasn’t so important to X.

        X FIL was a serial cheater himself . . . surprise. but not surprisingly, he also didn’t think too much of women. One time when he was asked how we felt about one of his X wives, he said with a totally straight face, “She kept a clean house.”

        This was also the guy who called his son with glee to announce he actually was able to get a boner with a hooker! See, his dick didn’t work after he blew out his back years ago. So this was some news!

        These are quality people, all around. And I haven’t even mentioned his siblings. When my divorce was final, and I was able to finally get away from these animals, I felt like I was cleansed. For realz.

  • Great post here. I am three years out from the thing. I am savoring that am achieving zen levels of meh and a life that has improved hugely. Yay me!

    Last weekend I got emotionally triggered again when I hung out with a group of friends that my ex and I used to spend loads of time with. It was hard to learn that they spend oodles of time with my ex and her affair partner, which is what it is, but when I politely and neutrally brought up how hard it had been for me they stepped on my comments and would not hear of it. I am the model of politeness and have been a f*cking rational saint about the whole thing, it finally occurred to me these old friends of mine just find it uncomfortable to bring up. This is just on a level as discussing it as actual history. There are a few reasons for this, including one couple’s denial of their messed up affair-y marriage.

    I was heartbroken to realize I can not spend time with them any more. Ugh. So, Chumps… what WTF?

      • I’d add that as Chumps, it’s not necessary that we campaign.

        I.e., it’s not my job to convince people that they are taking a morally questionable side if they align with my STBXW.

        I simply tell those people I am not campaigning, I am deciding (i.e., deciding not to have those people in my life).

    • Life is too short to have to deal with people without honor & integrity. Post something in the forums about meeting up with other chumps near to where you live. Several of us have had great success in this (SoCal, Austin, I know Massachusetts people have something afoot). It’s a great way to make friends who “get it.”

    • I agree with Sephage, dump them. X and I had a great many “friends” but when the end came, I decided that none of these people would have been my friends had I been on my own. They really weren’t my sort of people to begin with. But you know how when you are in a couple . . . things just sort of get familiar and these idiots are coming over to BBQ’s and whatnot.

      Most of his friends cheated like him, I’ve been told. And always the narrative was that the marriage wasn’t that great or they were having “issues”. I never cared what the reasons were, and after we split, I cared even less. My friends stayed with me and his swirled down the drain with him. It was nice that way.

  • Another good topic CL;

    The biggest enabler of my WAW’s affair was our adult daughter. She was 21 years old at the time. Mom put her in a horrible position. She knew that mom was cheating, actually added mom onto her cell phone account so mom and OM could talk and schedule hook ups, actually bought her mom a pregnancy test when mom thought she had gotten knocked up so I wouldn’t find out (I had a vasectomy in 1998.) Never said a word to me. I had begun to notice that my daughter and ex had become toxic friends, that was a red flag. A councilor I was seeing after the divorce once referred to my daughter and her mother’s relationship as ’emotional incest.’ I always will remember that.

    My daughter and my relationship had become very adversarial through her high school years, I think she resented me trying to parent and always being the disciplinarian and mom was cool and let her do whatever she wanted. Now it is three years later, I have tried to forgive and I speak to and see my daughter and her new husband frequently but will never be able to trust them. I will never offer them financial support as they are a struggling couple, so maybe I haven’t fully forgiven yet. I can still tell when my daughter talks to her mom because for long periods after daughter doesn’t contact me, almost out of guilt. My parents and MIL also knew before I did and said nothing…That’s another story…

  • What an AMAZING Post! Agreed Unless it happens to you, you don’t understand. And I wish someone had sent an anonymous letter as it cost me years……an invisible – communal- gutting, by those witnessing and by some I considered “Friend.”

    I don’t feel like a ‘victim,’ except from that shattering betrayal hit and run….Once I saw who the drivers were I got busy unpacking all the lies, secrecy and deceit. And another betrayed spouse handed me the following quote which blew my mind. She was so fierce, beautiful and proud stating “I didn’t do this, and I will not take on that shame.”

    In the following Judith Herman quote replace, “Perpetrator.” with the words “Cheaters and Liars.” “Victim.” represents the “Unaware and unknowing partner.”

    “It is very tempting to take the side of the masked perpetrator (i.e. Cheaters & liars). All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. They appeal to the universal desire to:

    See, hear, and speak no evil.

    The victim (unaware partner suddenly upon “Discovery” of betrayal), on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering…….

    In order to escape accountability for their crimes, the perpetrator does everything in their power to promote forgetting.

    Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator’s first lines of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of their victim. If they cannot silence the victim absolutely, they try to make sure that no one listens.

    To this end the perpetrator marshals an impressive array of arguments, from the most blatant denial to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalizations. After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies:

    It never happened;

    The victim lies;

    The victim exaggerates;

    The Victim brought it on themselves;

    And in any case it is time to forget the past and move on.

    The more powerful the perpetrator, the greater is their prerogative to name and define reality, and the more completely their arguments prevail. (Judith Herman 1997, Trauma and Recovery, p.7-8)

    • That is fascinating and very helpful… “The victim lies; The victim exaggerates; The Victim brought it on themselves; And in any case it is time to forget the past and move on.” In a nutshell, that is the apologist response.

  • My cheating ex-wife’s enablers included her two business partners. Well after the divorce, they apologized, explaining that they tolerated her cheating on her marriage for years because they bought her story that I was mean and somehow deserved it and only became offended when they discovered she was cheating on the business as well and it affected them financially. At which time they forced her out of the company.

    The moral flexibility of these enablers is usually in direct proportion to their immunity from the consequences of cheating. If it takes no money out of their pocket, than judgment is labeled “bitterness,” “unforgiving,” and “black and white thinking.” I bet most of these enablers would sing a different tune if they had to suffer even a fraction of the effects of cheating that Chumps do.

    • nomar, I find it interesting that your ex wife not only cheated you out of what you thought to be a loving relationship and marriage but she also cheated on her business partners, and it would appear as a financial loss. My ex-husband walked in the front door nearly 33 years ago after he had been sacked from his bank job for misappropriation of funds and I was 6 weeks off having our 2nd child. I was supported briefly by my family and within about 4 weeks they all decided that my ex could not have possibly done this of his own volition, I must have put him up to it so he played on that sympathy and my own family effectively became his enablers as our 2 adult children are now doing. I did love him even still then and stayed as I never had any support at all. I always knew that one day and I didn’t know how or when, he would pull the rug out from under me again but I never dreamed it would be with a girl young enough to be his granddaughter who can hardly speak a word of English. He does everything for her and at 63 has taken on supporting her and her 2 little boys. He is her meal ticket out of the slums. As you can see, I am still very “unforgiving” and “bitter”.

      • Terrible story but so glad you got away from the sot before it was left to you to wipe the drool from his trembling chin and change his leaking diaper.

        Yes, I’d bet that a large portion of serial cheaters are also financially abusive of those around them, including their employers. The rules simply don’t apply to them. That includes marriage rules but also rules of honest bookkeeping and fiduciary duty.

      • It appears that many cheaters have the same MO. Smoke and mirrors to not only throw us off balance but many other people also. They never left their left hand know what their right hand is doing.

      • She only needs to know how to say “Suck-ee suck-ee 2 dolla”, right? Anything more would be detracting from kibbles from his ‘oh so awesome’ ego, according to him. Fucker.

    • Nomar (or should I say Nomaaah? ) You nailed it here. Incredibly astute and accurate observation:

      >> The moral flexibility of these enablers is usually in
      >> direct proportion to their immunity from the consequences
      >> of cheating.

      This is when you learn who good, empathetic people who buck this trend. Despite the ease in looking the other way, there are those who can imagine how you felt. I try every day to be that way.

      • Absolutely. Good people do the right thing even when it’s difficult, even when it’s painful, even when no one is looking and they don’t have to. Those people are gold, and I’ve built the foundation of my new life on a dozen or so people like that that I’ve been lucky enough to find.

        • Yes, that people filter has been all part of my rebuilding a better life for me too. They are gold. Anyway, great observation.

        • Absolutely nomar, if it had not been for two friends of mine flat out telling me I deserved to find some joy in my life even if it meant my kids came from a broken home I might still be trying to figure out how to stay with the narc.

  • My ex’s family ‘supported’ me for a bit but it turned out they were telling me one thing while doing another. Essentially they enabled him to continue the affair and are, to this day, very upset that I cut them out of my life because they were lying hypocrites and I didn’t want them around me.

    • However wonderful you *think* your relationship is with your in-laws, the safe bet is to assume they will side with your cheating spouse and to assume that they were enabling to one degree or another for quite a while before D-Day. That’s going to be the case eventually in something like 99% of marriages affected by infidelity, so better to be realistic than to be blindsided.

      • Yep. My advice to anyone is don’t trust your in-laws. No matter how close you think you are (and I was incredibly close to my in-laws, to the point that I saw them more than ex did and traveled with them, etc.) they will generally stand by the cheater and they will buy any lie the cheater feeds them, despite knowing you so incredibly well.

        Cut your losses and chalk it up to the apple not falling far from the tree.

        • I love my ex-inlaws, BUT, spending time with them means drinking a wee bit of Kool Aid. Not naming the elephant in the room just means a slow poisoning for me.

          In the end, my ex is their daughter, her affair partner will be her spouse, and there is properly not room for me in the family, nor do I want it.

          • I loved my in-laws very much, despite them driving me a bit mad at times. I knew they would always love and support their son but I did not expect them to lend a hand in screwing me financially, in lying to my kids, in so many other shady things. Even my SIL, with whom I was incredibly close, ended up with the ‘well, it’s my brother’ attitude and started drinking the koolaid. It was quite sad, I have to say.

            • Blood is definitely thicker than water. I haven’t said one word to any of the inlaws except a couple of my niece-in-laws on facebook. Just casual stuff. Never a bad word. I will more than likely never see any of them again even though we were together for 27 years.

              His family was so full of drama, especially during the holidays. I can’t say that I will miss that AT ALL!

              My mom and dad tried to be so zen after our break up but they’ve heard enough about the cheating asshat that they’re all set with him for life.

      • True. My X told his main surviving family (his brother & the wife) not to have any contact with me. Brother intends to honor X’s wishes (even though he knows X is a narcissistic a**hole), former SIL and I have taken the view that X is not the boss of us, and we will see each other whenever we want. I cried tears of relief when she emailed me that sentiment.

      • Oooh, not my loving in-laws, that I thought of as more than family after twenty-something years. The ones that were so shocked by the long-term affair, stood by me during false reconciliation.

        The moment I decided to stop moving deadlines, taking more and more abuse and decided to divorce the cheater… it was suddenly so awkward to invite us both. Or to just contact me.

        My MIL did send me the occasional app message, until she figured out ex would not leave the country to go live with her. So I was not needed to stay in contact with her grandchildren.

        It hurt horribly, did not see it coming (such a chump). Combined with some friends that decided to be Switzerland, I lost a great deal of social contacts. I know, the quality of the remaining people went up, but it just adds to the injustice. I probably expect too much of people, however, it’s nothing more than what friendship means to me…

  • My ex had a bunch of Facebook “friends” he had NEVER met in person who knew he and this MOW were “in wuv”! One of these idiot women actually became a “go between” for messages! She encouraged my ex to NOT hurt the OW’s feelings and to get disposable cell phones which he did do immediately! It was sickening! And the worse part was my ex had encouraged me to also be “friends ” with them on Facebook also! The day he blew my life up by telling me he was in “wuv” with this downgrade, they all disappeared! Once the shit hit the fan they couldn’t be found! These people will share a front row seat in HELL with these two assholes and I can’t wait! We are not talking about young people here either. These are men and women well into their 50’s, 60’s and one woman in her 70’s! REALLY??? I wish nothing good for these assholes! Matter of fact, I hope it happens to them and their own long term marriages! Dumb shits! And BTW, discussions about me and our marriage were just considered collateral damage and I would eventually “adjust” to him leaving me! After all we had only been married 40 years! No big deal right? Again, dumbshits!

  • One of XH’s female high school friends was invited to weekend overnight beach parties with the old crowd where XH brought OW since it was his family beach house. The friend told me that XH and OW would often discuss with all of the old crowd how difficult I was because I wouldn’t let go and file for divorce. They all speculated that I was frigid or hated sex because I had been sexually abused (neither true). At the time the XH was three years into the affair that I had NO KNOWLEDGE whatsoever of. I was at home on the other side of the country, working full time and taking care of our kids while XH worked out of state. So all this verbal masturbation would go on and on and no one would challenge XH as to why he didn’t file for divorce if he wanted out. Years go by and XH begins an affair with someone from the old crowd. The new OW repeatedly suggests that someone should call OW1 and tell her to let go since XH was not breaking it off. Someone calls me and OW1 to let us know about the new OW and what she wants…
    People love a real life soap opera. They get a vicarious thrill out of the escape from reality, the endless sexcapades etc. They never think about how we feel. Narcissists are often spawned by a family of narcissists, and they surround themselves with narcissists. The most frightening thing about narcissists is the lack of empathy. That’s how they can keep doing all their actions without shame or guilt.

  • THIS! These over the hill middle school idiots love to live vicariously through the cheaters! They are just as sick and immature as the cheaters are! It’s amazing to me that total strangers the cheater “meets” on Facebook have more validity than the faithful spouse Ever Has! Fuck these assholes! What goes around comes around! These fucktards better watch their asses and their own spouses! I bet they won’t find it all so ” romantic” when it happens to them!

  • Someone pointed out that a person who acts dishonorably in their most important relationship, will act dishonorably in their other relationships too.

    On a slightly different note: ever since I started reading everything here, my mind automatically translates ‘STBX’ as ‘shitbox’. Does that happen to everyone? Seems appropriate, anyway.

  • Add me to the growing list of chumps whose XILs supported or ignored the affair. In my state, we have only a 60 day waiting period after divorce papers are filed. I think our divorce was 70 days start to finish. So from bomb drop (ILYBINILWY) to when XH brought his whore home to meet his family for Thanksgiving, it was 5 months. I had been married to the bastard for almost 17 years. XMIL always called me her “daughter”.

    XH’s dad abandoned his mom when XH was 5. He divorced the ugly, snaggled tooth bitch, but then remarried her when she found out she was pregnant with the second child. So, they both knew the horrors of what their Golden Child had done. It didn’t matter. XMIL got busy telling everyone that while we were married, she called my home and a man answered the phone. Nice assault on the innocent party. That certainly never happened. I was so angry I told XFIL I’d be happy to produce phone records that showed his wife NEVER called my home.

    Anyway, in regards to cheater, both parents knew what was happening with the whore (now given the exalted states of Wifetress). I had sent them the credit/debit charges outlining his affair with the filthy skank. They still welcomed her to their home because XH said she was just a good friend…

    Oh well, they all deserve each other and I’m relieved not to be a part of that crazy anymore.

    • Your story about ex MIL telling that lie about a man answering your phone reminds me of a good friend of mine who was chumped over 20 years ago. She found out about her H’s affair when a neighbor told her they had seen a strange woman looking in the windows of the marital house. Seems OW wanted to see the “stuff” she thought she was going to get, as Cheater had apparently told her the house and all its contents were HIS. Epic fail. The house had been my friend’s home LONG before she married Cheater, but after D-Day, and my friend filing for divorce, her STBX went around town telling everyone that his wife (the innocent party!) had an affair but he forgave her, and was “going to let her keep his house.” These people are pathological liars and the sad thing is once a lie gets planted in someone’s head it’s hard to eradicate it. When he immediately moved in with OW, but kept denying he’d ever had an affair, people in the small town started to figure it out, eventually, but the lies were classic.

  • Cindy, some folks are just in such denial about their children, but let them live in the cesspool of shit if they want to! Screw them. Take what is yours and what you “invested” in the marriage and move on with a Fucktard free life! My ex tried to shove Schmoopie down his father’s throat and not 15 minutes after he left the poor man, my father-in-law suffered a massive, fatal heart attack. But of course, he doesn’t blame he and Schmoopie at all! I’m telling you, they think everything they do is okay and none of the disaster they leave in their wake is their fault! Just amazing to me, but thank heavens I don’t have to play “paint the turd” anymore!

    • Just a small comment on what Roberta said about denial of their children. My husband is an alcoholic. Mommy and Daddy don’t see it. My brother-in-law had an addiction to cocaine and herion. One night my BIL was having ‘issues.’ My MIL called my stbx over to ‘talk’ to his brother. My stbx came home after the ‘talk’ and I said “He NEEDS treatment!” My stbx stated “they did not want him “In the system”” Hmmm Ok – I guess you guys can just TALK him through it…..A few months later, my 24-year-old BIL is dead. Hey – good job for not ‘wanting him in the system’ you dumb fucks! I almost think my stbx holds a grudge against me because I could see what was on the horizon and I told them – he needs treatment! But, what the fuck do I know? I’m just an outside observer……
      And my husband and his other brother aren’t alcoholics…..what the fuck do I know?
      NOTHING is my stbx’s or his brother’s faults – NOTHING. If they do anything ‘wrong,’ it has nothing to do with their own fucked up actions – someone CAUSED them to be bad…..Stbx’s mother is the same about herself. She will talk about something and not get her stories straight. I have corrected her, but then she will turn around and blame someone else for giving her ‘wrong’ information. Come on idiot – nobody gave you wrong information! You didn’t get the whole story so you decided to fill in the rest.
      Stupid stupid people.

  • now this one I can relate to! MIL a 5 marriage failure. Multiple affairs. So once her daughter showed weakness/interest, she jumped in to assist her with affairs. She would invite POS over to her house for dinner and a movie. While daughter was there…. anything to assist in getting me gone and bringing everyone down to her level!

  • Jim – I’m so glad you got your stuff back! It sounds your Ex’s mother was more than an enabler. She was a co-conspirator and they worked together as a TEAM! Thank God you are out of that mess now!

    And good for you for not being gaslit into believing YOU were the cause of her cheating..

  • The affair that my Cheaterpants husband got into had a host of enablers…probably the weirdest one was the Husband of the Other Woman…

    According to OW, she asked her husband of 8 years for permission to become involved with my husband…(I later spoke with the agreeable husband; he may have agreed, but clearly, did not approve…) OW’s husband drove my Cheaterpants and OW to the airport so they could fly to Vegas for a weekend. He was going to pick them up too, but I discovered what was going on and flew into town to confront the situation. (Cheaterpants had taken a new job 2,000 from our home.)

    It turns out that Ms. OW had a raft of work colleagues from the public High school OW worked at, that she and Mr. Cheaterpants socialized with…This crowd was well aware that Cheaterpants was married with children and apparently never blinked an eye about OWs choice to interfere in a 30 year old marriage. My son ended up going to this high school, and it made for some real interesting parent/teacher conferences.

    My in-laws were also supportive of the Cheaterpants choices…

    • I usually resist the “codependent” label for chumped spouses because I think it blames the victim. But OW’s H driving them to and from the airport? Sick and pathetic at the same time. The guy needs help.

      • I don’t know if the OW and her chumped cuckold husband tried to patch it up, but he filed for divorce and had to take out a restraining order on her crazyness… He took the nearest exit and left town.

  • Jim, good for you!

    For me, it has been several years since the final DDay and divorce. I have come to that state of ‘meh’.

    But I don’t think I will ever be able to understand our shared friends, my ExH’s friends or his co-workers. They knew about his serial cheating for years — the ExH and the OW were openly together at their parties, work functions and even a business trip. Not one person ever told me anything. They didn’t even tell me out of kindness when he told me he was moving out so he could have “space to think” while moving in with the OW — leaving me in limbo for 6 months. The friends could see the toll it was taking on me at that time and didn’t even have the kindness to tell me. Later I heard, they were “staying out of it” even though they thought my ExH was “being very unkind and unfair to me”.

    What I understand is that the ExH is very good at ‘image management’ and telling versions of the truth that justified his actions (i.e., that we were in an open relationship). This is what these people do.

    Many of these people confessed that they “didn’t know what to do”. And it still makes me lose my ‘sh**’ when they said things like “the truth is somewhere in the middle”. To me the truth is clear: he cheated and lied. I don’t know where the middle is.

    In the divorce, the ExH got all of the ‘friends’. And frankly, Chump Nation, I am happy with that! It took me a while to see these are not people that I want or NEED in my life.

    • seriously, “the truth is somewhere in the middle?” they are basically calling you a liar! Good for your for excising these people from your life. It took me a full year to realize the “friends” who stuck by my cheater and said “he must have his reasons,” and “we’re just trying to help him get back on his feet,” and “we want to stay neutral and stay friends with both of you,” were NOT MY friends. Friends actually care, they have your back. They empathize. Apologists maybe not as bad as enablers but I don’t need any of them, frankly.

  • I have forgiven my ex husband. I have forgiven him because I have to. I share three children with him and I have to coparent on a week to week basis for the next 12 years. I have not forgiven his best friend who is my middle child’s godfather. I can’t believe he stood up in church with us at her baptismal all the while helping break up her family. He helped my ex husband cheat on me and he encouraged it. My child is now 7 and every single time she calls him Uncle Jeff I say “that man is no Uncle to you! In fact he’s a werewolf.”

  • My exH enablers were all his work colleagues.

    He cheated with an employee and took time off work for days out with her. If I rang work – which was very seldom – they told me he was “with a client/supplier/inspector/in the store on the next site” etc etc.
    He got one of them – his best mate – to be the Best Man when he married slut-pants. 10 years later this guy died prematurely.

    Isn’t karma a beetch ?

  • I know there were several people who knew what my XH was doing at work but chose to keep quiet. Since I was reading his emails I found one from his assistant telling the Skank ‘how good she was for my husband!’ I hate his guts now and he can’t figure out why. I barely acknowledge his existence and do the ‘Total Ignore’ I’m sure he wonders why. I hope his wife cheats on him someday so I can ‘congratulate her.’ Ha!

    Plus the other day I had a contractor doing work on my house and we’ve talked about this stuff before. He says the ONLY reason a man would cheat on his wife is if he was really good looking and tons of women hit on him all the time OR he wasn’t getting enough sex at home. How do you argue with stupid? I tried to give my him my take on it all but he wouldn’t hear any of it.

    My inlaws never spoke to me again after he left me. They always told me how much they ‘loved’ me. A lot of our couple friends dumped me too. A lot of horse shit. You really do learn who your friends are.

    I am surprised that XH is still with The Skank. I think she lets him do whatever the hell he wants, drink beer for breakfast, send his XW (me) $$$$, lets him cheat with no consequences, etc. Perfect woman. All she needs is a flat head and pistol grip earrings.

  • My ex MIL gave me the “I’ll always love you” line of crap too. It’s all bullshit. The ex neighborhood friends are just that. Ex neighborhood friends. Not real friends.

    So glad that whole crazy family is out of my life for good!

    As for the people that he used to work with that covered it up. Don’t miss them and never really liked hanging around with any of them anyway.

  • For me, it was my sister in law.

    She and I (so I thought) were very close, and there were numerous times I was shocked by how terribly she was treated by my father in law and my then husband. She received a certificate in massage therapy, and both dad and brother called her a whore for “touching men.” She would bend over backwards to please her father and he always shit on her gifts, thoughtfulness and efforts to help him and my mother in law. She never mowed their lawn right. She always was late in bringing the morning paper. She married losers (two and counting),

    She and I got along famously, and I was always disgusted at how my husband would talk “at” her instead of “to” her at gatherings. He treated her like the help, just the way he was taught to treat women.

    Fast forward to our divorce proceedings. She ended up as a massage therapist at a health club I once worked for, so I sent her a congratulations note. She responded that she was sad that her brother and I were getting divorced, but that she “just wants him to be happy.”

    I found out later that she was in cahoots with her brother in trying to hide money and make it so me and our kids had no right to the inheritance money that would be left by her parents. The very money her parents once told me was going to be left for us when they died. The very money X used to refer to as “OUR retirement” whenever I wanted to put some cash in an IRA.

    X’s goal was to leave me penniless, and my sister-in-law helped.

  • Where do I begin?

    Affair Enabler #1: The Church Enablers. XH left our joint church when I had trust issues a few years after first affair. He started going to a new more ‘loving’ church at the suggestion of marriage counselor and it happened to also be MC’s church. He would take me one weekend (yes, I went because he told me it was all my fault that I did not trust him and I was trying to rebuild trust (puke)), then he would take whore-worker the next weekend. This went on for six months, and no one said anything to me including our MC. OW would just ‘skip’ church the weekends I went.

    Affair Enabler #2: His family. XH would visit his sister and brother-in-law and take is whore-worker with him for double dates. Some of this would include camping weekends or other long weekends that I was not invited to attend because he needed time to ‘get away and think’. They again knew for months and never said anything because he deserved to have fun. On one weekend I even watched the sister’s grandkids so her daughter could have some time away.

    Affair Enablers #3: So-called friends: Again XH would take me one weekend on outings with friends then the next weekend would go on outings with whore-worker and our ‘friends’. I was told the other times were ‘guys only’.

    I did finally wake up and smell the shit sandwich. Continue to go to my church and have many great friends and supporters there. Found a new therapist that takes my side after years of being told everything was my fault by joint MC. Went no contact with most of his family except one sister-in-law and mother-in-law who actually took my side through it. Father-in-law passed away during the same six months and whore-worker came to funeral to support her co-worker. (she is sooooo caring. puke again) Also went no contact with friends because with friends like that, who needs enemies. I now have the support of my friends that I can trust.

    Thanks for letting me get this off my chest after three years of holding it in.

  • Enablers, hmmm.
    At my current stage of life – I tolerate no shit at all. If you’re acting like Switzerland – you’re on the other person’s side. And you can fuck off. And I’ll go for the jugular if you start narc-shitting all over the place.

    That being said, I got a story, though this pales in comparison to some of the shit you guys went through.
    I remember my first major relationship (age 17/18) – where he cheated on me for his best friend’s little sister. Funny because even back then, I immediately culled this idiot (channelling CL advice, even back then!). His mother, at something relating to our year 12 formal (What you American guys call ‘prom’, btw) did the whole narc-thing and was like “Oh, his new girlfriend is lovely, blah blah blah”. I never forgot this moment – because my mum said, loud enough for her to hear “Yeah, lovely at sucking dick of someone with no morals and no brains, right?” and both of us burst out laughing. She promptly shut up. But then again – this is a woman who resented the fact that I was better at what her son was ‘good’ at (which he wasn’t good at all, in the big scheme of things) and that I made his ‘achievements’ look like utter shit. And I did it while only half-arsing it, too.
    Fast forward some months and I got labelled as being ‘arrogant’ for achieving a university entrance place at quite a prestigious university here – by all his ‘friends’. Needless to say, I had culled the lot of these fuckers months before – but it was all about them and their drama.

    • That being said – there was no one outside of school allowed at said prom. Lucky though – otherwise I probably would have had bloodstains on the dress I wore. I was out for blood from this obese skank, and would have dragged her by her hair and written her name with her own blood.

    • “At my current stage of life – I tolerate no shit at all. If you’re acting like Switzerland – you’re on the other person’s side. And you can fuck off. And I’ll go for the jugular if you start narc-shitting all over the place.”

      I could not agree more. Either you’re for me or you’re against me. And if you can’t make up your effing mind? I’ll make it up for you. Some people need to get a spine…

  • Jim, all I can say is so glad you got out. Seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and you’ll do fine!

  • The biggest enablers in Handout Boy’s life are his parents. He is currently sleeping in their guest room with cowboy wallpaper. He has gotten a bank account, several new email addresses, and signed up for so I think you all know what he will spending his time doing. No sign of looking for a job. How do I know all this? I can track his activity on his primary email account without his knowledge. BTW, they let him crash with them during his first marriage when he GOT FIRED from a job for stalking his AP in the workplace. Absolutely no sympathy for their DIL or grandchild. BTW, FIL had a 20+ year affair with co-worker and they were swingers in the 70’s so I think we know WHY they enable.

    I remain the “villain” in this narrative.

    • I am laughing at the cowboy wallpaper! What is he, 7? In your divorce decree, you should try to mandate that he have an L tattooed on his forehead as a warning to future victims.

  • It’s taken me a year to realize ex’s co-worker was enabler. Husband of one of the OW told me they would have sex in my basement. I knew it wasn’t my house (scary old basement), just took a while to recall co-worker lived near work and OW and his daughter had basement bedroom. ewww!

  • I am just amazed at the shit these loser Cheaters do. I have not seen even one yet on here that could be described as a good person, a decent human being, etc. What a bunch of jerks. I can’t imagine why anyone would want them.

  • And just remember, Not Juliet, they NEVER get better than what they are now! Usually they actually get worse and can’t continue to hide the fact that they are total “trash”! Doesn’t matter what they acquire material wise or financially! They are still just asshats with a flimsy costume on! And the really great part of all this is the new “sparkly turd” that is the AP gets to deal with it! Everyone sees them for what they really are and they have to keep moving to the next loser. Karma is a bitch!

    • You are so right, Roberta! The ex basically decided that marriage/fatherhood was just too boring and too much work. Oh, and of course, that I was too fat and lazy. I may be fat, whatever. But I’m not lazy.

      Anyway, this apparently gave him free reign to bang some whore he knew 20 years ago. Mind you, if he had said he wanted a divorce I would have been OK with that. But no, he has to sneak around with the whore and act like a piece of shit. The funny thing is his spiel is what a “good guy” he is. And she’s an angel. Well, guess what. You both exposed yourselves as lying, cheating whores. No good guys or angels there.

    • One more thing. He was supposedly “in love” with this slag bucket, and only dating me for three years because he “felt sorry for you.”. Uh huh. He also told me he didn’t want to marry this whore because he ” wasn’t marriage material “. Even pathological liars inadvertently tell the truth sometimes, lol. Anyway, this is what I don’t understand. If you do want a legitimate relationship with someone else, how can you think it will ever be successful if you start it among lying and cheating and whoring. The truth is that you can’t. That is why that shit always fails. Two known whores who cheat with each othrr will never have a legitimate successful relationship, in my opinion. Even if they might have had one other wise.

  • My first hint of an affair was a text I saw from a friend of OW to my partner saying” you two are soo cute together, so happy you’ve finally got together, wishing you love and happiness forever”. well given we had been together for over 4 years and had a six week old baby, really couldn’t understand what she meant by the text. Gaslighting of the highest order began and I in my baby induced stupor believed him.

  • Right on. Over the years I’ve come to a position where I just can’t stand to be around affair enablers, people who say flippantly say “well you can’t judge” or “there’s two sides to every story”… I’ve found them all to be hypocrites. Whenever something bothers THEM, you can BET they’ll be judging (whether it’s the “asshole bad driver”, the “lazy good for nothing neighbor”…. what they really mean is either “I don’t really care enough about you to have an opinion”, “I am also a cheater or have cheated and so judging them would require self reflection and self judgement, which is a no go for me”, OR they believe in the just world fallacy and the idea that someone might cheat for no reason is too frightful for them, because that means it could happen to them too. This goes further to those who don’t understand the pain of infidelity and give you pithy “there’s plenty of fish in the sea, hey it was just a relationship no big deal”, most likely because they have no first hand experience.

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