Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Dear Chump Lady, The OW says she will “destroy” me

mistressDear Chump Lady,

Thank you for the sanity you provide, as for so long I was doubting my own. I have been separated for three years now. My ex left when our second child was an infant (obviously had the affair while I was pregnant). The lowest of the low.

Since then my life has been turned upside down…forward three years later. We are in the courts having a nasty divorce. My ex is still with OW. They recently had a baby and he is on a paternity leave. He sees our kids regularly, but wants even more time with them. He keeps fighting for that and refuses to settle other issues like finances until he gets them half time. He says I am unfair and I don’t follow common sense. However, we already have a court order outlining access and custody (40/60).

What I don’t understand is why the OW is sending me nasty and demeaning emails. She continues to belittle me and personally attack my character as a mother and as a person. She even sent me articles on how to get over a break up! They keep reminding me he left me not my kids. They make comments about how great everything is in their household and how they have open communication without prejudice with our daughter. My ex has told me she is a wonderful stepparent to my kids.

Recently I have heard that she will spend all her money in the courts (as we may end up going to trial) to destroy me! I don’t get it! She is the one who ruined my marriage (along with ex of course), broke up a family (but loves my kids like they were her own flesh and blood) and she wants to destroy me??!!! I have never even met her or talked to her. I also do not reply to her emails as I refuse to engage with her. She is so below me character wise. I am just trying to understand why she has this personal vendetta against me and why is she so vindictive? At this point I just want peace and closure not a war with OW. After all it is not her I am divorcing. Thank you!

Seeking Peace

Dear Seeking Peace,

The great abolitionist Frederick Douglass once said, “A gentleman will not insult me, and no man not a gentleman can insult me.”

In other words, consider the source. An other woman attacked your character. LOL.

This isn’t someone you respect, so don’t internalize her opinion of you. She’s pathetic.

Look, I know the bigger issue is that she’s harassing you and adding insult to the injury of breaking up your children’s home. Their campaign, IMO, is pretty transparent. They’re trying to break you down, so you’ll accept the 50/50 split. That means no child support owed by your STBX, and that means more money for her kid. So, she’s got a vested interested in harassing you.

Also, it’s impression management. He cheated on you while pregnant and left you with two young children. She’s a home wrecker. It’s one thing to have an opinion of someone (no matter how unbalanced), it’s quite another to send them articles and maintain a steady barrage of written insults. She wants to affect an outcome — to get you to submit to 50/50.

Why is she obsessed with you? Because she just had a baby with a cheater. A man who she knows for a fact will cheat on a pregnant woman and walk away from his own children. She’s not married to him. So now, after this divorce, she’s going to be doing a full court press for that commitment. If he’s the typical cheater, he’s got her feeling off balance, doing pick me dances. She probably pick me dances with the memory of you, the significance of your children, and whatever other Bogey OW she fears. He probably goads those fears.

So, what does she do with all that anxiety? She projects it on to you. Don’t they sound like the happy couple?

Ignore her ravings. She did you a couple favors here. A) She took the cheating bastard off your hands. B) She just gave you evidence of what a wingnut she is. Save and forward all the nastygrams to your lawyer. It’s good documentation for the judge that they’re not the Parents of the Year they purport themselves to be.

Stay strong on your position and good luck in court!

 

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • It is IMPERATIVE that you DO NOT respond to her, or anything your STBX has to say. ONLY respond to practical requests/arrangements (like, would you pick up our daughter at 6 today?).

    See, all those emails, etc.; if in fact they are going to “go after” you, you can use all her nastiness against her. IT’S IN WRITING. This is why it is ESSENTIAL you do not respond. Let her rant on!! It will only make her (them) look bad. YOU can build a case that they are mal-intended by using writings against them. KEEP all emails and texts.

    And again – DO NOT RESPOND to anything but PRACTICAL MATTERS.

    • Well the crazy red-haired, sometimes dyed purple haired crazy OW. Went to the police because I deigned to confront her.

      Her husband did not yet know, and I did not tell him. I had no plans to talk to him at all. Never did, either.

      But going to police triggered an investigation, and guess what????? Her husband was included in the discussions with police and was shown the proof of her affair.

      The OW set out to destroy me, but she destroyed herself and her marriage. What a dip wik.

    • One things judges despise is any indication of parental alienation. The vindictiveness of the OW – especially under the circumstances – will lead a judge to conclude just that. Nice people who act and behave in the best interest of the children don’t do shit like that.

      • Yep! The OW just screwed the cheater out of any chance of changing the terms to 50/50. More than likely the court will limit these children being exposed to such hateful people. The court can already tell the cheater makes poor life decisions and this will seal the deal for Peace!

  • Isn’t it amazing how central the chump becomes to the affair relationship when the marriage ends.

      • That emailing/texting you a lot even when you don’t reply thing is borderline behavior. I guess the personality disorders have a lot in common. I had a friend (who isn’t anymore) that was a borderline and when she emotionally abused me (claiming she was going through a lot or whatever) the second time I told her we could no longer be friends. She started sending me long rants and emails and I wouldn’t respond and she kept doing it for a whileeee. I would just ignore her. Eventually she stopped. I changed my number just in case anyway. Very pathetic to keep messaging/emailing someone such vitriol and they don’t even respond. They want a reaction. Any reaction good or bad is what they want. When you ignore them they lose. Also they HATE it when you expose the things they’ve said/done to others Lol

      • I would venture that a very high % of OW/OM are personality disordered, as Young Chump mentions. Do not engage. The folks here that mentioned that they need to keep including you in the relationship so as to distract themselves from what type of relationship they really have are spot on.
        These assholes now have access to each other 24/7 and I bet it is not a lot of fun. It was high drama/romance when they were sneaking around with a common enemy/villain ( you). Now, that part is over and they are left with dealing with each other on a daily basis.
        I used to think this was just made up to make the betrayed feel better, but I have now seen it in both my XW’s affair partner relationships. It took about 3 years and the cheaters were at each others’ throats.
        I just left everything to my lawyer. Never engaged despite being baited.
        As Young Chump mentions, these folks do hate to be ignored. That is the best way to handle them.
        If you have had 60/40 for years now, it is highly unlikely a judge will change things.

        • I totally agree with you Arnold on several points. It’s so hard for them to live a life of normalcy. They actually thrive on the drama and chaos, otherwise the relationship is a drag! They really hate to be ignored because they honestly believe they are the center of the universe! They MUST have a villain to connect! Really sad lot they are! And true enough that judges are reticent to change any arrangement that seems to be working in the best interests of the children. I think this idiot OW now realizes that the court will not take her child or her into consideration legally and it’s driving her over the edge!

      • Wel today I actually saw the OW in car when ex dropped off the kids. I ignored her but had a big smile as my kids came hugging me. I didn’t look at her nor did I introduce myself to her. And tonight I got first email that clearly is coming from her account and it is her emailing me. I don’t even know what the real purpose of the email is as emotions still get in the way? However, I would love to shred her to pieces by responding but will not give her that satisfaction. I will ignore, ignore and ignore (other than ask her to not email me and document it). I am going to assume this is their twisted way to try keeping or creating triangulation.

          • It stemmed from the court papers I filed. She doesn’t like that I involved her by mentioning her name and acting as if I personally know her because I said she pays for household expenses. She said she doesn’t associate with people of my nature. In fact she eats people like me for breakfast!!! She also said my daughter has been asking her questions about why she doesn’t want to meet me and I guess she doesn’t know how to tell her she hates me. She said she will personally tell her why ex left me and everyone will be held accountable! She said she is not intimidated by me and ex and her are in this for the long haul so I need to stop waiting for their breakup (as if I am)! She said she loves my kids but choses to ignore me because again she doesn’t associate with people of my nature. I don’t even get it? I have moved on, I don’t email them, I don’t bother them, I don’t talk to them. I think my daughter is finally old enough to start putting the puzzle pieces together and that will tarnish the image she has of them so why not blame the crazy ex wife for this too? I can’t wait to hear their explanation to my daughter as the only thing I am “guilty” off was the fact I was obliviously nursing my newborn while they were screwing around.

  • yes! Do NOT respond to her! block her from your contacts! Let the lawyers do their work in court. No Contact necessary!! And rest assured that he will cheat on her just like he did her. I can almost guarantee it.

    • I haven’t responded to anything only practical things related to children. Of course I do write my fantasy emails but never send them (only to myself or closest friends). I can’t even block her as she uses my ex’s email. She must be so insecure!!!

      • Trust me Peace, she is very, very insecure. And she knows that now she has a child with your husband and she is vulnerable. She is acutely aware that YOU are holding all the cards and she hasn’t a leg to stand on legally. It is just now occurring to the poor dimwit that she engaged in an illicit affair with your husband and he left you with no problem for her. She is scared to death! You can almost smell her fear. She should be fearful because she now has to care for this child and she knows she has to stand in line to get a portion after you get all the goodies for you and your children! Life really sucks for her! You reap what you sow!

      • Seeking Peace,

        ” I can’t even block her as she uses my ex’s email.”

        I may be paranoid (geeze, I can’t imagine WHY that would be after dealing with a sociopathic narcissist!), but are you SURE it’s her sending the emails?

        Considering that they are coming from your ex’s account, that would raise some red flags for me.
        It’s not like an email account costs anything now, so why wouldn’t she use her own?
        Add the fact that you’ve never met her, so you have no way of knowing if this is out of character for her or not.

        I am *NOT* trying to defend her if these are indeed coming from her, but…

        I wouldn’t put it past one of these nutjobs to go so far as to fake emails from the OW (gaslighting anyone?) just so that they could push some buttons. He probably knows better than to harass you directly, so why not use the OW as a scapegoat?
        It’s not like he has a problem with throwing someone else under a bus if he was willing to cheat while you were pregnant, and then leave you with an infant to care for.

        That doesn’t change the “don’t respond to these emails”, and definitely keep them all as evidence.
        If they get harassing enough, perhaps some cyber detective work is in order? All emails log the IP address that they were sent from. Are they coming from the home computer while ex is at work? Then they probably ARE from her. If not, then you have to ask yourself if the ex is capable of this much crazy.

          • I can recognize my ex’s type of writing after being with him for over a decade. In fact he HATES writing! Also on two emails she started the emails “This is OW responding”. When I compare those emails where she clearly states it’s her responding to the typical ones I will get its the same tone of voice and style. I am pretty sure she is the one writing most of the emails.

        • Yes magnet, solid points there! Hey….how did you learn to think like a disordered person anyways…..it wasn’t all that time spent observing one, was it? *wink*

        • As I read your post, I thought, “Brilliant assessment.” CL’s reply was not visible on my screen yet. Add me to those who agree with your analysis.

            • I agree. Terms and conditions of e-mail accounts is that the “owner” is totally responsible for the activity on it. Either your husband takes responsibility for what happens on it, or he reports to the police that it has been hacked,

      • Oh SP, of course she’s insecure. Would any woman who’d even want a man that would betray his own spouse not be insecure? Knowing your self worth & respecting yourself don’t go hand in hand with being an affair partner.

        I personally love that she’s giving you all this ammunition to take to court. Idle threats & scare tactics are all they have & they’re going full force with those…really, what else do they have to lose? Their self respect? Their pride? Their sparkling reputations? Nope.

        Interesting too is her threat to use all their money to sue you. Well wouldn’t that be poetic for their “wuv child” to be born into poverty? Imagine the difficulties it’ll create in their perfect relationship and with their perfect family when they have no money. Seems illogical to me…what with losing your home, your savings, your cars just to try to hurt another person, an innocent one at that…but what do I know? Maybe that’s their idea of a romance novel.

        Lastly, don’t think her quick pregnancy wasn’t its own ugly version of the pick me dance. When these a-holes bring other women into the equation they enter the relationship doing the pick me dance and because they know they’re dating a cheater…they never stop dancing. This pregnancy is a pathetic ploy to try and make him a good, solid family man for her…you know, the one has wasn’t for you. But as we all know it’s futile…she’s an immoral wench and he’s a cheater.

        • *just to clarify, I don’t actually wish their child to be born into poverty or even this circus of a relationship. The children are innocent and suffer so much from these losers.

          • I agree kids are innocent. I told ex if you miss our kids (whom now I have to share because of selfish choices he made) he should go and have a baby with home wrecker. He said spitefully he will. A year and a half later my two year old told me has a baby brother. Ex couldn’t even tell me. Coward!

  • Chumplady is 100% right:

    “She’s a home wrecker. It’s one thing to have an opinion of someone (no matter how unbalanced), it’s quite another to send them articles and maintain a steady barrage of written insults. She wants to affect an outcome — to get you to submit to 50/50.”

    She wants a 50/50 outcome so that her husband will not have to pay child support. It has nothing to do with how much she supposedly likes your children.

    Don’t give in or give up. They can’t keep up this facade for long.

  • Agree with Chumplady and the others. Don’t respond, don’t take the bait, but do keep those rantings and send them to your lawyer. And I love Nancy’s comment too!! Sounds like life in magic pixie schmoopie land isn’t going so well. LOL

  • AllOutOfKibble, you nailed it! The Chump becomes central! These idiots actually believe they are “in control” of the situation that has become a total train wreck! They rush around trying to keep the turd shiny! It would benefit every chump to remember that you are actually holding most, if not all the cards! The two lovers, gag, are in the wrong and they know it! Now it’s time to use the power they so freely gave you by engaging in their trashy behavior! You have the power of “no”! USE IT! They are on the shitty end of the stick and they know it, but they will still try to bully, manipulate and out and out threaten you! That’s what lawyers and judges are for! Make sure your attorney has the nasty emails and then watch the cheaters squirm! Stand your ground. I know it’s tiresome, but they are counting on you giving up, DON’t do it! Dig deep and find strength! Believe it or not, YOU are in control and they know it!

  • What a sicko. Can you set up an email folder to send the emails to automatically without seeing them but still have them for documentation? Screw the crazy bitch. She’s just an insecure slut. They all are.

  • Seeking Peace, I had a bit of a breakthrough with my shrink yesterday as I launch into divorce proceedings against my charter ex. I think it might be helpful to you too. She told me to buy a note book and make a list (I am an obsessive list maker) of the things that empower me and the things that drain my power. And then stick to the things that make me feel empowered for the entire duration of the divorce. The ex will try to drag me into Things that make me feel like shit, but I need to stay away from that. Of course, as everyone says, no contact, is the best but it doesn’t hurt to do the things that make you feel good about yourself at the same time.

    For me, it’s reading, baking, helping other people organize their filing. She also told me that some form of exercise is also very good so get out there and just walk with the kids in the stroller if you can. And don’t let your mind play those scenarios of ‘what if’ in your head. The only ‘what if’ you should think about is what you would do if you won a huge lottery!!!! Dream of nice things.

    Sending lots of good vibes your way.

    • Good advice, Nola. I don’t know what things you avoid that drain your power, in my case it’s searching for information about him and his ‘girlfriends’ on the Internet. It makes me sick. I’ve stopped doing that. It’s useless at this point, and my time is precious, and is better used for creative activities.

      • I had to stop myself from searching too ChmupFromF. I realized no matter how much stuff I found, it was still proof, which I already had. So I decided to ban myself from looking because it just made me sick. Now I am planning how to redecorate my bedroom…if I can ever get STBX to move out.

        • Good point, AllOutofKibble. While it’s hard to do this in the early stages, it’s important to realize that if you have proof of inappropriate contact (not necessarily that they’ve been having sex–just that the contact’s inappropriate on some level) then you need to Trust They Suck.

          Obsessing about evidence just drags you into their crazy.

      • ChumpFromF. Same as you…..stop looking for information. Stop trying to tell people what he has done. Just avoiding even thinking about him. Stop getting pulled into anything that pulls me down. Can be as simple as feeling I have to say ‘yes’ to someone when I really want to say ‘no” so I need to just say no or say that I cannot do it. Stop being so concerned about what other people think about what I am doing and simply do what I want to in order to feel good about myself.

    • Nola! Organizing other people’s filing gives you energy? I want to hire you! I HATE organizing my filing. (Major retraumas for me.) I actually could do other people’s…but not my own. Great insight, btw.

      • Yes, I feel great sorting things out…filing, closets. My OCD comes in handy a lot of times especially for other people who get stumped with it. Ha ha ha! My shrink actually told me that I can open a business offering this service!!!

  • Dollars to donuts your STBX is telling her things like “Peace always made great mashed potatoes” or “I think Peace is lying about me to the kids.” As long as he can keep you as their common enemy, they can fight together against you instead of looking at their own issues. Also if he does have another affair partner already he might claim to be with you when off with her furthering her jealously.

    • Everyone should read this over and over until it sinks in, because it is SPOT ON. They NEED to be united against something (you) or they would be forced to take out all their insecurity and angst about their fake-ass “relationship” on each other.

  • SP,

    This situation reminds me of the book THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR. I am not a psychologist and am not diagnosing anyone here. However, I remember that book talking about how sociopaths view the world as a matter of “winning” something. They will do anything to win. Empathy and decency will not restrain them as they do not have that as part of their make up. Sound familiar? The book was a real eye-opener for me as exposes that such people DO exist and are more common than we might think.

    -DM

    • So my narcissist ex found a sociopath! Great combination!
      1) I feel terrible for their newborn innocent baby
      2) I have to eat the shit sandwich she is a part of my kids’ lives

      • SP, I’ve got a covert narc ex who exhibits many sociopathic behaviors and, what I’m gathering is at least a codependent, submissive (to him), entitled, disrespectful, pathetic brat as his girlfriend. They both have access to our toddler. 🙁
        But trust that these types will sooner set the planet on fire than maintain a relationship. They’re far too high conflict to not implode eventually.

  • My first thought is that she is hoping to get a response out of you to use in court. If their home is really as happy as she claims, she wouldn’t be spending her time looking up articles to send to you or focusing on you period. Hell, she wouldn’t even have to make this statement.

    Yeah she got your ex, and I am sure it is tough to think that he stayed with her when their child was born. I was also pregnant when I found out about the cheating. But just looking at the statistics and stories posted on this site, his character most likely did not change. He seems to be fighting to reclaim his image as a family man, as well as to ward off child support. Because honestly, who wants to walk around as the person who abandoned a pregnant spouse and newborn.

    Play the game better than them. Realize how crazy and pathetic it is to spend so much time creating drama. That shit should have stopped with middle school relationships. Don’t give them the power they want, which is to get a reaction out of you to know that their meaningless lives focused on hurting you are a “success.” In truth, she got s cheater and he got a crazy bitch. I promise you’ll be able to look at them and laugh one day.

    • Lea, she doesn’t really have the ex! That’s what is driving her ape shit crazy. What she doesn’t realize is that she will never really “be exclusive” to a cheater. Or maybe she does realize it now and that drives her nuts too! Serves the dim wit right! I just feel bad for the child!

  • DM, That’s how I pegged my ex’s Schmoopie. She actually told her GF that “I win, I always win” as if my ex was a “prize” and she and I were competing! She’ll tire of that “win” then move on to the next “prize”!

    • Sadly, sociopaths are so messed up that it doesn’t matter to them as long as they “win.” Even though caring for people is painful at times, I am thankful for that capacity.

      • Yes, DM, it is very sad but the first person to realize my ex is a sociopath is our oldest son, now 26 years old. And that same son, a very wise young man, helped me so many times post-D-Day when I was at my lowest points emotionally, by pointing out that the fact that I was in pain and grieved was BECAUSE I was a loving human being and as caring human beings we will be hurt and need to heal. But the beauty of it is that we do have the capacity to care, to love, to feel empathy, and even to feel pain.

        • KMAloser, I agree now. Trust me, there was a point early on in his affair when I believed I was losing something/somebody I could never replace and I would surely ke over and die! WOW! I guess I was delusional too! Ha! Ha! I now know, without a doubt, that I have lost absolutely nothing but four decades of my life!! He is “common”. A run of the mill piece of trash who found another piece of trash! I wish them luck!

          • One thing I learned from all this, is that ANYONE can be a cheater. Common is right. Cheating doesn’t take skills, it won’t make you a better person. It only requires you to be – selfish.
            Delusional cheating spouses think they’ve joined some special club, when all they’ve proved is that they’re devolving humans, a low life form that can’t be loyal, or protect their partner.
            Obviously, Chumps are the special ones.

            • Free Woman, you are so right. Any of us could be cheaters, it requires no talent. Any person could go on the internet/facebook, etc and be in an adulterous relationship by the end of the day if they wanted. If they have money, by the end of this hour. If you get your self esteem from pursuing/banging strange ass you truly have no self esteem. I don’t know anyone who is an exception to this. They are all disgusting.

      • They take the disordered off our hands. I was able to rid myself of the cheating asshole in one final swoop. The thing I married was a monster not a prize. She can have that.

  • The other thing to remember here is that you have not met this woman — she does not know you. She only knows and chooses to believe whatever she has been told by the X and possibly his friends and family who believe whatever he says, too.

    Personally, I find it hard to understand how any adult with any knowledge and maturity and any exposure to literature and movies can possibly believe the drivel that the X offers as an excuse for poor behavior. Seriously? Your spouse does not provide sex or comfort for you, you poor sausage? Your spouse is just mean? Your spouse does nothing to support you or the children? Strange — the spouse works, and keeps house and is taking care of those children while X is boinking the AP, but the spouse is a bad, mean person? Can you understand the cognitive dissonance that is going on inside the OW head?

    Also, it is hard to maintain the delusion that AP is SPECIAL and doesn’t have to follow the rules of civilization. How can one person maintain all that fabulousness and have a child with a married person, and still pretend to the world at large that they are on any type of moral high ground? You can almost smell the delusion and the desperation. Think about how hard it is to rock a newborn and Pick Me Dance for someone who has abandoned but is still married to the wife who is also caring for young children. If she can do math, she has to know that he was still sleeping with the wife while he was boinking her. Kind of erodes that not getting sex at home theory, wouldn’t you think?

    She is still believing the hopium she started smoking at the beginning of the affair. Eventually when the exciting drama of this “fight for twu luv” wears off, her great love will start treating her as shabbily as he treated you. He will find new, shiny OW. He cannot change his despicable inner self, and what is more, he does not even want to. It is all about him, all the time. Believe it.

    • Portia, this is spot on.

      What is wrong with these people that they willingly accept every lie that the cheater utters.
      In my case it would be more like. You had an affair with a man? But have been delivered of your desire to engage in oral sex with guys you don’t know. That’s great.
      You kept your affair and your other activities from your wife for eight years even though she suspected you? Oh because she was a ranting bitch prone to angry out bursts. That’s ok I am really laid back, besides I love you, I don’t get angry.
      Oh you have been separated from your wife for 18 months and she filed for divorce. But you are dragging your feet on the property settlement, yet alluded in your affidavit that your wife was lazy during your marriage? 1+1=…. Fuck that’s too hard next.
      You want your kids more than every second weekend but only once you have a house of your own? That is with me and my kids right?

      Cognitive? Not a fucking hope. Personally I hope he rips her heart out like he did mine. And if anyone who is currently supporting the two of them says a word to me, or tries to compare us, I will be no you fucking don’t. He did this to me lied and then blindsided me, she is just a dumbass looking to get. Fuck knows what she is trying to get other than an STD.

    • “Thankfully”, but not really (it’s like winning the shiny tied trophy FIRST), my ex and I were young and never married and no children before we met. So while his sociopathy did fool me for 6 years, at least I didn’t get into the relationship ignoring a huge hoard of information that proves the contrary of all he told me. I’d like to think I would’ve been smart enough to call bullshit if there had been.

      However, I’m mind blown by how ignorant these affair partners can be. How could my ex’s girlfriend possibly look at him at this stage in his life: 30 and going through a divorce, has a kid with a now 90/10 split in my favor, lived with his parents because he had no money, which was because he was gravely underemployed, brings nothing but debt to the table…yet she’s convinced that he was a great husband, a stellar dad and he’s a legit option for a long term relationship. I was with him for 6 years, through the lovebombing phase…he ain’t that good…

    • “Personally, I find it hard to understand how any adult with any knowledge and maturity and any exposure to literature and movies can possibly believe the drivel that the X offers as an excuse for poor behavior.” Unfortunately literature and movies often glamorize affairs. Two people in a loving, satisfying relationship has less drama than two people having an affair and that’s what films etc. are based on by their very nature – drama.

      • GreenGirl – I agree about the movies and stories they tell. Was just thinking this morning how much I used to love “Bridges of Madison County” way back when – feeling their twu wuv so deeply and what a sad story it was. My God – what was I thinking? I suddenly hate everything about that movie – but man, did people ever relate to their ‘attraction’ for each other and their 2 day affair, rooting for them. just UGH.

        • I understand that some of the literature and movies glamorize affairs — but there is also a lot of information about cads, and lying, and the tragic results of making poor choices. It is not just affairs we should be wary of — but the lying, cheating, self indulgent people in this world who are more than willing to do or say anything which will result in some perceived benefit for them.
          If you read, and watch the news, and watch a variety of movies, and think about something other than yourself, you should be socially aware enough not to believe trash like “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “My husband doesn’t give me the sex I need” or “My spouse doesn’t support me or the children,” All those things MAY be true, but they are reasons to consider divorce, not an affair.

    • Before I knew that STBX was having an affair with the Schmoopie he’d hired, I did notice his television habits changed a bit. He started watching more “chick flick” kinds of shows–Once Upon a Time, for example. Normally, STBX is all about action and guns and car chases. Once I found out about the affair, his new television shows started to make sense. It’s about fantasy. As long as the affair can feed into the fantasy, it’s great for both of them.

      In reality, they’re both very high maintenance people. OW has had a string of married men as APs. STBX–this is the affair I know of, but I suspect now that there have been others. STBX is all drama. He didn’t strain his back mowing the lawn. Oh no! That pain is a clear symptom of pancreatic cancer! HE IS GONNA DIE AND WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU THAT YOU CAN’T SEE THIS AND PITY HIM????

      OW is also a drama queen. Two years ago, she and he were texting back and forth. She had a vision that that was the year she would DIE!!!! Now, she’s constantly seeking reassurance, as she’s accusing him of cheating on her with the female accountant at his workplace (aka Ms. Slutty High Heels). Of course he has to spend money on her to let her know that She Is The One!

      Now, obviously this can’t last, but I’m now trying to get the financial settlement signed, so of course OW doesn’t like it because STBX will lose a huge chunk of his retirement. STBX doesn’t want to lose this chunk. However, we’ve been married a long time, he’s out-earned me, and he’s worked a full-time job longer. There’s no business to split, no custody issues. The state says 50/50.

      If they unite against me, then they can stay together longer.

      I so long to say to them both that I agree with them. The sex wasn’t worth it. 😛

  • Jedi hugs, Peace. I cannot imagine the added pain of such a spiteful OW. The OW has taken the knife your ex shoved into your gut, and is now twisting it around. The OWife in my case never contacted me, and when we finally met last christmas, wanted to shake my hand (which I did not do; hands were full with my sons’s things!)

    You are clearly heads and shoulders above her. Keep records of all contact, with both digital and hard copies.

    My ex took me to court to change who knows what re: child visitation (never said what he wanted), but I had all the inappropriate things he said to our suicidal daughter (via text, email, and old fashioned written letter). When presented with all that, he had nothing to counter with.

    Stand tall ! You are the only adult in this equation, and the only one putting the children first.

  • She may very well be a wingnut. But just as cheaters drive us bat crap crazy with their antics. It is very possible that after three years and a kid, even without the certificate of marriage she has been in a relationship with the cheater long enough to now be the pawn in his bullshit cat and mouse game.
    This is no excuse for her behaviour.

    I probably sound like an apologist and that is not my intention, but how many of us would have done anything to make our cheaters happy prior to D’day. Some even after. Then we found CN and the scales were removed from our eyes. My guess is that your cheater has created for himself a compliant little puppet who is willing to attack your character to safeguard his in the name of love and commitment. This is her pick me dance, She is a puppet, your Ex has no hold on you and is using the OW to engage you in the hope you will respond. Please don’t. This is just a power game. Hold your head high. You are better than they are.

    • Compliant puppet or not, she CHOOSES to engage in this shit. That makes her a fucking wingnut. Period.

    • i agree, SHE IS DOING THIS BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO, she wants to make her hurt, she wants her to give in, she wants to control everything. the oompah loompah hood rat the exhole is with is like that. but HE thinks she is “taking care of him” because nothing says i love you more then your wife then to call and tell the wife off. personally i dont understand what kind of woman can think it is ok to CALL THE WIFE!!! this ow is just like the ow the exhole is with. she loves him, so she is “PROTECTING” him for his big mean wife. she doesnt even care that she is wrong, because she has dug her claws into a man and she intends to “keep” this one as long as she can. they KNOW he has a family and is married and they flat out DO NOT CARE!!!

      that is NOT the type of person i want around my children. in my case i am lucky that exhole slings off under some rocks in denial because it makes him feel bad to think of his actions and choices. i am also lucky that i have sole custody and zero visitation, so i do not have to deal with the crazy his hood rat brings to my house. my heart goes out to the people that do have to deal with this. it is not fair. it is not right. but when has that stopped the cheater before?

  • I felt like I was reading my own story; except these people do not have children together. It has been incredibly hard letting go of this idea that the AP gets to play house with my two children. She flaunts on social media that their relationship is 3 years strong….and our son will be 3 this month. Worst of it is, hew own children see these flaunts! It makes me sick that their parenting beliefs are so backward and contradictory to mine.

    It makes me feel panicked sometimes.

    Thank you, CL, for all your crass and truth…I definitely feel solace I your posts and everyone’s comments. 🙂

    • yes, i was also told “he left you not the boys” whatever the fuck that means. in my mind, when he walked out the door with all his shit, he also left the boys who live in this house with me, who are a part of me. he has not tried to call or see them, how is that not leaving the boys? *shrugs* not my problem

      But in all honesty, SHE is the reason i divorced him. not only because he was fucking her while we were still married, no matter how “bad” our marriage was but because she thought it would be fun to call me and tell me off, she thought it was ok to say hateful and cruel things just to hurt me. but the thing that pushed me to file the divorce papers (because i was stupid and would have forgave him for cheating) was the fact that the whole time she is telling me off and saying mean things to hurt me….HE WAS LETTING HER!!! he sat right there, she used HIS phone, he heard every word she said to me and did nothing to stop her. WHAT KIND OF MAN just sits there and lets his GIRLFRIEND tell off HIS WIFE?….well, it finally dawned on me that was not any kind of man i wanted to be with. so i let her “win”

      • Mrs Vain

        What does the needy, mentally Ill ugly slut call the serial cheating limp dick narcissist? A good guy.

        What does the serial cheating narcissist call the needy whore wit know integrity?
        A Dream Girl.

        Good guy meets Dream Girl.

      • Mrs Vain…I understand completely! He did that too. I just don’t get how I missed the red flags! Aye vey!

  • She’s going “to destroy you?” Who talks like that? Did your ex run off with Dr. Evil? What delusional douchebags.

    (((Seeking Peace))))

    • Maybe I will start calling ex Dr. Evil… He often told me he was going to destroy me. Guess who is on the path of destruction now.

    • Mr. Cheaterpants told me that the girlfriend OW threatened to “come up here and kick your ass” after I discovered she existed. Apparently she hadn’t known I existed, either. And he told me the woman I later found out was his wife would “ruin your life” if I told her boyfriend she was still married to Cheaterpants.

      In retrospect, I don’t believe either of those women said those things. It was probably Cheaterpants’ way of ensuring we women would never get together and compare notes.

    • That’s what I was thinking: who talks like this? The OW in my scenario said the same thing to stbx when he told her we were going to try to “work it out” – I WILL DESTROY YOU. Which has the correlation that she could have somehow made his career finally take off with all her art world connections had they stayed together. She really thought a lot of herself and talked non-stop about herself and her family drama on and on. She was the first person I ever labeled a narcissist before I really understood the term.
      “Working it out,” by the way, amounted to one and a half marriage counseling sessions, since he also refused to break up with her. The 2nd session he actually said he didn’t have time to break it off because he was so busy looking for a house 3 streets over to move in so he could have time and space to figure out what he needed. I told him take all the time you need. He still lives there.

  • Dear Seeking Peace, wow! My heart goes out to you. It literally made my stomach hurt just reading what you have to endure on a daily basis. My advice would be to do everything in your power not to read those sick emails the OW is sending. What she is doing is abusive and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Can you automatically route her messages to a folder on your computer that you never open? Can you ask a friend or relative to read them and only let you know if there’s any legitimate issue you need to deal with? Can you ask your lawyer to put a restraining order on this b**tch to stop her from contacting you? It seems the only contact should be from your ex and should only be in regards to your children. I’m so so sorry you’re having to go through this. I can understand why your moniker is “Seeking Peace.”

    • I thought of another thing. If you have a family member or friend read her emails, perhaps they could print them out and put them in a folder for your lawyer. Definitely keep the evidence of her harassment.

  • One thing that comes to mind. If she is that desperate and that disordered, might she and by extension STBX, be a threat to your safety?

    Think about it for a moment. She and STBX want the kids. She wants to show STBX what a great mom she is…(pick me dance.) She is delusional and threatening. I’m sure that STBX is goading her with the things you do or are that are better than her, as has been mentioned here. That in itself is going to make her hate you. It would not be too much of a stretch for STBX to say “Things would be so much better if Peace were not around.” She might just be crazy enough to act on it. And it would be a win-win for him. He can blame her, he gets the kids and all the goodies with no need to give you a settlement. She takes the fall…….STBX….” I had NO idea your Honor.”

    I would suggest “The Gift Of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker. It can help you figure out what you might be dealing with.

    I know this sounds like a downer, but her behavior is way over the line, And personally, I would not put anything past a cheating narc. I woefully underestimated my cheater ex much to my sorrow. Please don’t make that mistake. They are capable of just about anything to win.

    Please do whatever you can to keep yourself and your precious little ones safe.

    • I would be very worried about my kids with her-the stbx sounds like a weak idiot-she seems to be dangerous. I hope all the insane e-mails/correspondence have been saved and maybe you should try to get full custody and supervised visits when your kids have to see these nutcases. Make no mistake she does not give a rat’s ass about the welfare of your kids

      • i agree!!! i hope you can show your lawyer these emails and file a restraining order on her. and hopefully the lawyer will know some legal way to cut her out of your life and your kids life!! how are you suppose to feel that your children are safe, loved and being taken care of when the woman who is watching them is “out to destroy” you….

        it would be awesome to get the court to agree to some kind of mental test for your exhusband. all in all HE is NOT showing good character or the ability to protect his children if she goes off the deep end.

        talk to your lawyer about this.

  • Seeking Peace, do not answer her emails at all. If she tries other ways to contact and engage you, do not respond in any way. One of my exh’s OW tried to contact and engage me. I ignored her completely. It drove her insane. This OW would call my house using spoofed numbers, sent me an email, and after doing a background check on me , called some of my relatives. I ignored her. She kept ramping up the attempt to get some kind of a reaction from me. I blocked whatever numbers and her email address. I couldn’t block spoofed numbers so I didn’t answer calls that I didn’t recognize the number and I set up the phone so that people who I knew had a different ring.
    Your OW can’t stand that you don’t answer her. Never, in any capacity answer her. She’s desperate and wild for you to respond to her. Ignore her.
    However, keep every email and show them to your lawyer.
    Also, do not give in to your cheater about custody of the children. If the OW wants to go broke paying for her MM’s divorce trial, let her. You can even ask that your stbx pay for your trial costs. Maybe the two assholes would like that.
    Don’t respond and don’t give in.

  • The ow is a bigger piece of shit than the x. The ow told my x more than once that if he ever did to her what he did to me she would destroy him all his stuff and everything that meant anything to him including me. Idle threat? Hmmm, taking no chances packed up his very few family memento s and shipped out of state. Barred her from me and my property at his order. I believe ow is capable, before he moved out on the eve of his sisters visit a sister he hasn’t seen in years she ow planted a hicky on his neck two inches round and black as night to mark her territory and provoke me into causing a scene and throw him out in front of his sister. He damn near choked ow to lifelessness and freaked out. She laughed like hell said didn’t he think the hicky was soooooo funny and wouldn’t the ensuing wrath I would provide a funny hysterical show. Ow in junior high mode at all times. We’ll class act I am I didn’t put on a show. I pointed out the bruise on his neck wink wink and I could see his heart drop in front of all present and told him to be careful . ow dragged him to store to find makeup to cover it up. Laughing the whole way. Junior high school yep! 50 and 58 year olds. How quaint. I kept my composure had a great four day visit. I love his sister I wasn’t ruining her vacation cause he’s a stupid fuck. Three weeks later she announces their love and future plans on Facebook for all to see and tags me. I screenshot it and threw him out next morning. Showed him screenshot and told him I took the high road but you are a lowlife like your whore. Shouldn’t be announcing a new relationship before your done with the old one. How classy. Never did a fucking thing to hurt you ever and she does this!! Low life fucking bitch. She wanted him out of the house she got him. Wanted to put me in a rental so she could just take over in my life. Well he gets to keep his business minus healthy alimony two cars, a big truck house and contents all mine. Guess they both thought I would be a pushover. Ha!!! Fuckers! She is under the impression she has a say in our divorce. She doesn’t. Lawyer said tell the bitch to bring it. They get the prize why can’t they just leave us alone. Bitches!!!!

  • You know what they say about being careful what you wish for – well she got it. She is probably jealous and insecure and resents you for existing. I expect that she had to do a mighty pick me dance to bag that man and now she has leaky boobs, sleepless nights, your kids to support and look after and the worry that he has his next squeeze lined up!
    She is making a rod for their own backs by sends you incriminating communications – it will surely do them no good in any custody dispute. Take advice, do not respond and keep it all.

  • I find it sick, but laughable. These women truly believe that they are some how “special”, but they are not totally ignorant of the fact that once a child is produced in this unholy alliance they very quickly realize that they are nothing more than a “side dish”. They realize that legally they and their child have no legal standing! Divorced or not, the cheater has placed the OW and her child in a position that legally gets them a whole lot of nothing! The OW in this case is going bat shit crazy trying to bully the legal wife of this “man” ( I use that term loosely) into giving up and giving in! Absolutely NOT! Her desperation is apparent and now is the time for the legal wife to exercise her rights to a variety of benefits that a legal marriage provided her and her children! The OW just exposed her soft underbelly to the wife. Every betrayed spouse, male or female, needs to fight for themselves and their children! It is NOT spite or bitterness. It is your right given legally. Your cheater broke his “contract”, so to speak, with you. There are consequences for doing so and the OW knows it! So does the cheater! I say now is the time to have your attorney really start a full court press. The cracks are showing in La La Land. They are actually desparate, but this OW is merely using the same “game” called posturing. She’s trying to psyche the legal wife into believing she is on the losing end! Quite the contrary! You are in perfect position to pounce and don’t you forget it!

    • Roberta,

      I find it sick, but laughable. These women (OW) truly believe that they are some how “special”,

      Yes! Yes! Yes! please, please, please – can we make bumper stickers for the backs of their cars? Using CL profound saying:

      I flatter men, they fuck me, “I’M SPECIAL.”

  • My ex also used to sleep around when I was pregnant.These people have the morals of snakes.I agree with everyone here do not contact her.You can’t reason with crazy.Your stbx and her pretended like you didn’t exist when they first started sleeping around so I also think it’s only fitting that your pretend they don’t exist.Hire a smart, pitbull lawyer that will fight for you.Don’t send anything to them.Ignore them.Don’t say anything to the kids that can be used against you.OW can only threaten she has no power.They will tire of your kids.She got a baby already.As others have said its just an act for her and your ex.What do the disordered know about parenting.

  • Good advice as always.

    There is another thing to consider – the OW honestly believes the lies your EX has told her.

    I was for a very brief time the OW.

    I believed he was single because he told me he was! Later, he told me that we had met during the time when he and his gf had broken up…so technically single…but that she later reversed her decision. He was desperately trying to leave her but was tied to her financially. He told me of severe emotional abuse from her and also some physical abuse to him (with proof of photos).

    In this summary, it seems obvious that there are lies being told. But stories told with real emotion and detail are believed. It is very convincing. This now ex bf really really believed it himself. This is the important part. In turn, I really believed that this ex gf was vengeful, hateful and had the clout to destroy us. Long story short – I did not stay around long enough to find out what was or is the truth.

    Keep going NC. Ignore her ravings. She has been equipped with god know what lies from your ex.

  • Centrality is what NPDs thrive on. Does anybody believe for a microsecond that cheater is telling or has ever told the truth to either of these women? He is telling each of them exactly what will keep this game going and focused on him…goading each into the Pick Me Dance. OW knows exactly and only what Cheater tells her. There is no conversation or contact between you and OW.

    My advice would have been–3 years ago when you caught him—to talk to OW. Cut out the filter that he creates. Not to become friends, but to get at the very least a picture of what he’s told her. Too late for that because now she’s got a child with him and has invested so much into keeping this pile of shit.

    My father’s new wife told me before she passed away that when she married my dad she tried very hard to shake him loose of his 4 kids to my mother. Why? Because she wanted the clean slate, like we all had prior to kids and bills and jobs. The free and easy ‘dating life’ of young love. I never had a relationship with her because she succeeded in getting my dad to move with her 1500 miles away from us.

    It’s far too late to reason with OW or to get anything resembling a coherent picture of what’s going on. Keep the harassing emails, don’t engage–with her–keep contact with him only about legal items, and move forward. May i ask why you open emails from her? She is not your child’s stepparent and even if she is, you are not obligated in any way to communicate with her. You seem to understand that she has no right to contact you…so I guess I am a little confused as to why you haven’t blocked her and made it clear you will only interact with him in all matters concerning your kids?

    She may have been nuts to begin with but life with a cheating fucktard like your STBX is probably making her a full on lunatic. Disengage and block.

      • Yeah DDW read that after my post went thru. Still…she can deliver amessage to OW very directly and get to the heart of it very succinctly….Stop or I will file charges of harassment. Harassment is ANY unwelcome contact, whether it is threatening or not. But she has to say the words TO OW for it to be in effect. Don’t be afraid of OW Peace…just deliver the message preferably in writing and thru your lawyer. You don’t want OW saying you came after her and gat you in trouble.

        The message remains the same here…disengage, make what say you want clear…and let the lawyer do the rest. If it’s not OW and it is your fucktard doing it, that will come out pretty quickly when OW gets a letter from your lawyer to cease and desist.

  • Keep everything sent to you, give it to your lawyer to present to the court on your behalf. Agree to nothing, let the courts decide. Tell you ex nothing, give your lawyer all the details. Remember, not your monkeys, not your circus.

    Your idiot STBX chose the drama, the craziness, and now he has it. When the courts dictate what he will and won’t do, they will have to turn their lunacy to other people. That’s how this works. The less you react, the better you are.

  • Peace,
    Three years ago I had an experience with an OW like this. Email threats, phone calls, i ignored her. Then she wrote to my employer, claiming I was “selling my naked pictures online” …if you knew me you’d know nothing could be further from the truth… Imagine having to explain to your own boss that a sociopath not only had stolen your partner, but that she was now out to get you. My big sin was initially responding by telling her she is 1. An obese lowlife, 2. An attempted murderer (she helped partner try to poison me) and 3. Aspiring to own my home which was never going to happen. 4. That she was welcome to keep the ex.

    The mistake was engaging with her in the first place.

    Here in the UK, the first line of defence is to call the police, show them the threatening evidence if you feel unsafe, and ask what they can do. My cops went round and had a talk with OW and put her on notice. She continued the threats, the online blogging naming me and my employer, and even had her MOTHER send me threatening emails. So I had the cops go round and speak to Mom too.

    When the cops reported back, I was pleasantly surprised that the particular officers involved had taken me seriously and they found that her emails had been sent from her place of work. So they visited HER HR department. She was fired for using company email to threaten me. The cops then advised me to get a restraining order sworn against her (cost me about $1000 in legal fees) and despite that, she continued to mock me online. I had to get numerous twitter posts removed – they were vicious and explicitly named me, claiming all sorts of lurid things like “Marci tortures cats” and “Marci has an STI and sleeps around” to the effect that any google of my name pulled up these tweets.

    I thought she had left off until recently when my present employer called me in and said they had been receiving “poison pen” letters about me. Fortunately I still had the restraining order evidence, our IT dept traced the messages to her IP address (she’s not too bright) and we are once again proceeding against her. It’s a never ending nightmare. She and ex have produced two spawn now but they still find time to punish me for 1. Not having died when they tried to off me, and 2. Not having been stupid enpugh to ever put ex’s name on any financial assets.

    My advice? Quietly collect the evidence and have your court response for the custody hearing as well organized as possible. Be glad they are giving you evidence!

      • This is why it’s helpful to hear stories from others as advice. I have forwarded emails to my attorney and it seems like they are just self-destructing. Unfortunately what the OW will do is pose as my ex when she writes the emails. However, after being with him for so many years I know his literacy level is at Grade 4 academic level. I can tell the difference when it’s her writing as him or him writing.

        • Yeesh, Marci, your ex’s OW sounds like evil personified. She seems to be trying really hard to keep you in their sick drama triangle.
          Peace, you’re right about them self-destructing. Give them enough rope and they’ll eventually hang themselves. It seems she’s not fooling anybody when she poses as your ex. Apparently these dogs can’t learn new tricks.

        • Peace, it’s probably better that she is posing as your stbx! That is different, so far as you KNOW it is your stbx that threatened to destroy you, that will look bad in court. I also wouldn’t assume his girlfriend is writing these emails, did you ever help him write stuff? This info puts a different slant in things

          • There were many emails “he” wrote that just didn’t sound like him so I suspected it was his gf. However there were a few where she stated it is her replying before she went on her email rampage. I don’t respond to anything unless it’s factual about kids. I work really hard to try to keep the emotions out and stick to facts. I certainly will not respond to HER emails.

        • Because nothing says “enduring love” more than sending threatening emails from your beloveds email address leaving them to either 1) take the blame for your shenanigans or 2) let the world know that they lost their balls and their psycho partner sends threatening emails from their account. Yea, when you have love like that, who needs ax murderers?

  • Be grateful that this OW is such an idiot. She’s handing you all the proof you need to make sure you’re able to secure full custody of your children.

    • I agree Lulu, she’s stupid! What I was wondering about super OW, now Mother of the Year is this. I had four kids and babies are a fulltime plus job. Why is Ms. OW leaky boobs, flabby gut hanging on a computer sending poison pen letters???? Doesn’t she have better things to do like change diapers, do the unending laundry, prep bottles or polish her dancing shoes for the pick me prom??? I mean for Heavens sake, I could barely clock time to go pee!!!! Not to mention just sitting with your bundle of joy and nurturing them! This woman is missing some brain cells!! She is oozing desperation!

  • Peace-Definitely do NOT engage and keep her nasty emails. I would actually move them to a designated folder and never open them or read them. Those people only have a two channels that they operate under; crazy and crazier.

    Block her from any other mode of communication in which you have no proof of what’s she’s saying (e.g. phone calls)

    Don’t let them beat you down about the custody thing either. The 50/50 thing is only so he can avoid paying child support. It’s a classic move. You already have a 60/40 arrangement and it’s court ordered. Too bad, so sad!

    Hang in there!

  • Cheaterssuck, yep! This is all about child support and money! OW now realizes the disadvantage she has positioned herself and her child in. She should have thought about those things before doing the horizontal mambo with a cheating POS! The wife is in the “Queen ” position and should take what is legally and rightfully hers and her children’s! The OW is squirming and the legal wife should exercise the power she has and then get away from them!

  • Hey peace, Jedi Hugs! She sounds pretty fucked up, don’t let her shit get to you. Just remember the only opinions that matter are those from people you respect.

    Do ask your lawyer about the harassment. I know you have to be careful due to court and custody. It just seems to me that you shouldn’t have to be subjected to emails from her using your stbx acct taut doesn’t allow you to filter them out due to co parenting.

    • Meant to add, if memory serves, you do need to send one response asking the person to stop emailing you, again, the lawyer will know. From your description it sounds like you got a pretty good one

      • My attorney has advised me to not respond, document and not stoop to her level as I wouldn’t want that to come back and bite me. So as much as I want to tell her what I REALLY think of her I ignore her emails. In some ways it empowers me while it must drive them crazy! Just imagine how much time they spend discussing me and complaining about me! And as some of you mentioned it’s pretty sad they are wasting their energy drafting emails to me when they should be enjoying their baby.

        • It’s utterly pitiful. They waste so much of their attention on you while that attention is supposed to be focused on the baby. But hey, those are narcissists for ya.

  • Blah blah blah with the OW. To this day, the final OW in my situation spends her time trying to play happy families and laps up the bullshit about how awful I am. This, after fully knowing what I found out: he’s a serial cheating asshole who was fucking other people while declaring his love to her.

    Don’t give the dumb bitch one second of your attention. She’s got to deal with him now and if they are able to successfully triangulate with you then they can play ‘Our great, put upon love’ until the end of time. Shut that shit down. Now.

    • I have the same mindset as you. OW in my case doesn’t bother me . . . everything she does is pathetic. This is a grown ass woman spouting her great love all over Facebook like the rest of the world really gives two shits about her love life.

      These two idiots recently married, to which I say, Mazel tov! It’s a win-win all the way around. I’m not married to a cheater anymore, and those two cheaters get each other. It’s going to be the greatest love story of all time, I’m sure.

      Peace, save the emails, stay calm, and treat her like the fly she is . . . just annoying, but not a worth getting all worked up about.

  • Peace’s STBX may also want to stall the divorce so he does not have to marry the OW. He maybe right where he wants to be in this with this.

  • I would set up an account on one of those parenting websites and insist all communication and scheduling being done there and them spam folder his future emaisl.

    But that’s me.

  • Another thing. I just had to see OW with Ex and she spent most of her time draping herself all over ex while sneaking looks at me. So it’s pretty obvious that she’s insecure (as she should be – he’s a serial cheater) and at the end of the day the event involved kids and other parents, not one of which wanted anything to do with her. Me? I had a pretty great time. Laughed with the parents, chatted with the kids and was totally comfortable. Bonus was that Ex has grown a massive belly and his hipster try is a massive fail – as it would be when you’re middle aged, living with someone in their 20s and trying to keep up. Hahahaha!

    • LOL, Nord. I can just picture OW draping herself over his middle aged, droopy and ridiculous looking self. Sometimes the older guys trying to look young looks a lot worse than looking their age.

  • My daughter just gave me a laugh. Her father has taken out grandkid out for the afternoon but OW did not come along as her old cat has shit on their bed!

  • Peace – talk to your attorney. But her crazy emails ( or his if it’s found that he’s the culprit) should be grounds for you to file a PFA order (protection from abuse) Not trying to scare you but she or he sounds like a desperate nut job.

    • I’d file it for your kids sake as well. Who knows what she/he is capable of? He/she sounds out of control. THen no more shit sandwich for you and you and your kids are protected.

  • The OW in my case was a cop. She once told me that “she fights people for a living” and then said “you want to get ugly, I’ll win sweetheart. I’ve held my own with grown men, you’d be a walk in the park!” I think I just threw up in my mouth typing this out!!! Really who says that shit??!! She told me I irritate her, well she irritated me when she was sleeping with my STBX. They are all winners aren’t they! It is so much better for yourself when you go NC and don’t read they stuff they send to you!!!

    • It’s really sad that so many people think we have a police force full of seminary students. It’s a profession that attracts bullies with power issues, who actually say stupid shit like that.

      Anybody who talks like that is a complete moron, and good morons really deserve each other.

    • I’m sure my ex and his gutter snipe enjoyed the bickering I did with them over his sorry cheating lying ass. Why anyone would want either of them is completely beyond my comprehension. Ugh, total trash.

  • Follow the money. She does not want him paying child support. She got herself pregnant to get herself a man. And she did. And you are so much better without him. Guys that cheat on pregnant wives should have their nuts cut off.

  • “Why is she obsessed with you? Because she just had a baby with a cheater. A man who she knows for a fact will cheat on a pregnant woman and walk away from his own children.”

    Pretty hard to argue with this.

    He’s probably been bad-mouthing you to her as well.

    A rule that I try to live by is “Ignore losers”, but that can be difficult when they’re confronting you like this. You can only do your best to push on regardless – I bet that it will taper off the longer you ignore it.

    • I think if Peace can concentrate on how desperate, immature and pathetic she is, it won’t bother her.

      It’s stereotypical low-class, trailer park behavior. When I see people like that, it makes me so thankful that I got to be me.

    • The more I ignore and see it for what it is and as Chump Lady said consider the source the more I realize she is not worth my time or energy. I do hope that over time she will realize she can’t control me too and give up. However, ex and I have young children and she will be a part of their lives (for now). At one point she wrote in her email “I have no respect for people who try to play the peacemaker role” (meaning me). It blows my mind how delusional she is. I wonder if she has respect for women who sleep with married men?

      • She probably does, if you consider that “respect.” After all, she was/is one of those women.

  • I respectfully disagree this time, fellow chumps. Sometimes not responding does not elicit the appropriate outcome. In this case, this weirdo needs to BACK OFF our chump friend. NOW.

    OW is sending unwanted correspondence to you. Have you told her to stop? If so, and she still continues to send email, she’s harassing you. Don’t let her! Next time you receive something, curtly respond, “Do not continue to send me correspondence.” Anything after that is harassment and can be used against her and your X in court. It can also help with obtaining a restraining order.

    If there’s any evidence that suggests she wants to “destroy” you, I wouldn’t wait to get a restraining order.

    Respond with the law. You have every right to protect yourself from a weirdo.

  • Ahh, the good ol’ nutjob passive aggressive immature bullshit, right? And using your ex’s email to do it? GAME OVER.
    Talking of “destroying you” is laughable when you realise the above. You have been given a golden opportunity to destroy her instead.
    Keep the emails as evidence and forward them to your lawyer. If she’s stupid enough to then try and pose as your ex, or if the emails do look like they are coming from him, it will have negative repercussions for his custody and visitation rights – which is nothing but a win for you.
    You probably know yourself how this nutjob would react. No contact is of course the best option – but IF there was any need to contact – it would be with a simple message saying “Do not send me slanderous emails again. Any further will be deemed harrassment”.
    As a final word: she is nothing but a cheap whore – so her words mean nothing in the big scheme of things to you. Never show her you flinched towards it.

  • I’m sure you have already been given this advice. Block her emails and texts, file a police report, ask your lawyer to file a restraining order against her and your x. Do. Not. Respond. To them at allllll

    • As ‘The Gift of Fear’ teaches, this is not always the best of advice. A restraining order is, at best, a piece of paper, which disordered fucks will choose not to honour and instead will engage with “You’re not the boss of me!!!!!” tactics which only serve to make the problem worse – leading up to and including grievous violence.
      Court proceedings cost time and money, of which justice is not always served to the fuckwits engaging in shitty behaviour, and at worst, the monetary aspect is just simply not an option to those less fortunate.
      Its like the shit advice given to people who are victimised by bullying: ‘walk away and say no’. This only makes the bullies worse. I’m speaking from experience here – where the ONLY thing which stopped the bullying in my instance was me putting the fear of near death into the ring leader. Case in point – I beat the shit out of him (despite him being twice my size and 3x my weight). And I’m not regretful one bit that I did it, either.
      Sometimes, you have to take the fight to the person and teach them a lesson that you will NOT tolerate their shit. There are various ways to do this – and there is no one size fits all approach to this. But that being said – the only lessons that disordered pricks learn from, are brute force – and they are fairly fluent in bribery, corruption and blackmail too.

      • True, as CL says, you need to ram home the message that the cost of fucking with you is too high. It works.

  • Get the court to address financials too. Immediately. There is no good reason to drag this out with a Narc ex. Tell your lawyer you would like this done ASAP as you (and your children) need to move on. It is unhealthy for them to be exposed to crap people and the evidence your OW is providing is all you’ll need to address custody. My take? Ignore, ignore, ignore. Provide lawyer with documentation. As to your ex and his POS OW…These people deserve one another.

  • My divorce judgement orders that both parents refrain from badmouthing the other parent and not allow anyone else to disparage the other parent. Make sure this is front and center every time you go to court. It’s very bad for kids to be subject to this and judges, therapists, child services will not stand for it.
    Keep the correspondence, talk to your lawyer and don’t let your kids be subjected to this. If the x and OW are like most disordered they can’t switch it off in front of the kids.
    My situation is similar with the OW and X out to destroy me which the kids overheard many times. The X is doing what he does best – wrecking his relationship with his kids, trying to control their thinking – they want none of it.
    Make sure you have a lawyer and stay focused on the long game.

  • How is it the OW is able to contact you. I mean isn’t it simply a case of blocking her? Call me stupid but that’s how I see this.

  • >