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Happy Father’s Day!

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Hey! Happy Father’s Day to all the dad chumps out there! I would’ve written my post sooner, but we were celebrating the manly arts of breakfast cooking here. My son did the eggs and I did bacon and toast, and we feted my husband the best we could. (Later observances will commence with him blobbing on the sofa all afternoon to watch baseball and eat watermelon. His preferred method of celebration.)

Chump dads, thank you for being the sane parent, for doing the tough single parent gig, and for being good, solid, faithful guys. Infidelity sucks for everyone, but men eat the particular shit sandwich of probably being presumed to be the asshole until proven innocent. Blaming the victim is something all chumps experience, but IMO we’re still loathe to think women don’t act maternally or could ever abandon children. And yet, all the men here are witnesses to the fact that, yep, women can be the same shitty disordered wing nuts men can be. Narcissism isn’t a gender thing.

So to you good men raising kids — have a wonderful day!

How is everyone honoring the good dads in their life today? (And let’s not make this a thread about the dads who suck. We can rant on that the other 364 days.) Tell me about the good guys!

Happy Father’s Day!

(Time to go make some hotdogs for the game…)

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  • Sitting at home whilst my boys celebrate Father’s Day with their dad. The dad that abandoned them, now lives with the OW and her children, has a new shiny car and a fabulous riverside apartment whilst I live in a rented house and continue to support our children ( to my future financial detriment) whilst they find their way in the world, they are all officially adults but as we all know it isn’t quite as simple as that. So I am standing strong and spending my ever decreasing pot of money looking after the kids whilst he plays Disneyland dad.

    Horrible, eating a huge shit sandwich today and having to put a happy face on it. Doesn’t get much worse than today but tomorrow is another day and all that. Feeling pretty shit but …. What can I do? Tell my kids to hate their dad? Can’t win so just bearing up.

    Doesn’t help I lost my father when I was 6, Father’s Day was always hard for me now it is just torture. Looking forward to Monday morning, which is a first.

    • Stay strong and continue to demonstrate what a genuine, decent and beautiful Mother with integrity really looks like. Being faithful never goes unrecognized in God’s eye! See the video I posted below.

  • My dad is a few states away, role modeling great husband behavior with my mom. They’ve been faithful partners for nearly 50 years. I will give him a call in a little while to thank him. My mom was an unwed soon-to-be mom when my soon-to-be dad stepped up at the tender age of 22. And they’ve been going strong since, through thick and thin, in spite of each having un-idyllic childhoods. My dad is a role model of strong work ethic and otherwise honorable character. He struggles a bit (very successfully) with having lost his mentally ill mother at a very young age, and a father who left him with various relatives throughout the ensuing years, until he was rescued by a step mom who did her best to tame him. My dad’s profession was teacher, at work and at home. I was Daddy’s little girl (and tom-boy!) My dad hurts when I hurt, but expects me to get up and brush it off. I do love him. I credit him largely with being the capable woman I am today.

    Thanks for this post, Tracy.

    Happy Father’s day to the great dads among you, and to the moms pulling double-duty, sometimes without a lot of realization from your kids as to how hard you’re working.

    Love!

    • Wow! I love your Dad! Being a father at 22, and stepping up to navigate that successfully, shows that he has a great big heart. What a fine young man, you were very lucky to be his daughter, Sunshine.

    • What a wonderful tribute Sunshine. The dad who raised me died about 4 weeks ago and he was a wonderful noble man. Ironically, my mother cheated on him and I was born but my dad (non-bio) never made me feel different, accepted me wholeheartedly, and loved me unconditionally. He knew the truth and my mom was very torn about leaving her family (they had 2 other children together and then one after me) so she stayed, but carried on with her AP until she died when I was 10-years-old. Weird, huh?

      So here is a heartfelt expression to my newly deceased dad who did his best to care for me, take me on though I wasn’t his biologically, who played with me, got me soup when I was sick, who was sweet and uneducated, and who was so proud of me. To dad and all the chump dad’s because in this CN, I have witnessed also such noble men and fathers with great integrity and heart. Happy Father’s Day!!!

  • My dear Dad passed away six years ago, but each year I honour him with a random act of kindness. He and Mom were married 40 years.

  • I have a great Dad who stuck with me through thick and thin. He does the right thing even when it’s difficult. He’s a great role model and I’m lucky.

    Happy Father’s Day to all the great Dads out there!!

  • Yes, happy Father’s Day to all the male chumps! My own Dad died in 1999 after 47 years of marriage with my mother. He was a model father and I miss him deeply still. Yet I am so very glad that he didn’t live long enough to see me be chumped by Cheater McCheaterpants. My Dad had already lived through my divorce from my kids’ father, after ten years of marriage. He and my Mom (d. 2007) loved being grandparents! Just glad didn’t have to see this happen to me at the age of 59.

    • Yes, this is the way I feel too. My dad died in 2004, and was a wonderful role model and truly a person of integrity. My dad loved my husband like the son he never had, and he would have been devastated to see his true character revealed. I am glad he did not have to see the pain that the kids and I have gone through.

  • Happy Father’s Day to all the Dad Chumps out there. You have my undying respect and admiration for what you do. Dads in this day and age are mocked in TV shows as silly boy-men with no brains. But everyone needs their Dad. No matter what. Dads teach us how to be strong and have fun. Dads wrap their big hands around us and we feel their strength. Thanks for all you do. Everyday. Even when no one sees it. Big Hugs!!!!

  • My Dad is the role model for my kids, sadly we lost him 10 years ago after my parents had been married for 55 years. I miss him every day.
    I’d like to send a shout out to my fabulous son, who at the age of 19 left home to be with his 23 year old girlfriend and her two children. They are now very happily married with a baby son to add to the brood. He’s an amazing Dad of three now at just 23.
    Happy Fathers Day to all the great Dad’s out there and to all the Mum’s who are working both jobs.

    • // , Your son is a brave man, in ways that men of this day’s younger generation have had to learn too well.

  • My amazing dad and step dad have both stepped in to pick up stbx’s substantial slack. Bless them both. They remind me that good men do indeed exist in this world.

  • Happy Father’s Day to men who understand and value that being a parent is an honor, a joy and a daily responsibility. NOT an occasional hobby. I wish my sons’ had you in their lives.

  • I’m fortunate to be visiting my eldest daughter this beautiful day in St Paul, MN. My youngest is with the ex for her summer internship. I’m doing well yet still can’t fathom the depths of her betrayal (pun intended). It still hurts very much, but knowing my girls love me and want to spend time with me is all I could ever want. I’m happy right now, but only half way to ‘meh’.

  • Happy Father’s Day to the other chumpy dads out there. You do a great job of single parenting when you have your child but also a great job of bearing the sorrow of so much time away from your children. Trust that you make a difference in their lives even if you don’t see them as much as you should. If you’re lucky enough to see you kids today, enjoy them and tell them how important they are to you. If you’re spending this day apart, get outside your head and treat yourself kindly.

  • My Father’s Day best wishes to:

    My grandad, who was solid, but adventurous, brave and kind.

    Chump Dads out in Chump Nation. ChumpDad, Nomar, TwinsDad….

    And all of my single dad friends: the deck is indeed stacked against you, but C, J, F, S…you rock.

    And all my dad friends who are absolutely there for their kids, single or not.

    Being a Father is HARD. It tests your character, in the era we are raising our kids through.

    Compassion and integrity is what it takes, and I am grateful to know you guys are out there.

    x-Meh.

    • Thanks Mehphista! I had a good one with my kids and extended family. Since joining the ranks of single/divorced dads, I’ve met a number of fellow members that are great dads. It is hard being a single parent but having friends in the same boat is so valuable.

  • Celebrating my lovely dad, still alive (despite heart disease) and faithful to my mom for more than fifty years…I think one of the hardest moments of his life was discovering that his son in law was a cheater and how much he mistreated me. He confessed the other day that he never really trusted him (saw that he was arrogant and two-sided on most issues) but that he respected my choices and believed if I was still with him (before DDay) it must have been because he was good for me. After DDay my father was radical in No Contact and hasn´t even said hello to X on the few forced occasions when he has to meet cheater. I think that having a daughter´s heart broken must be one of the toughest things to happen for good dads. Thanks for always being there Daddy!

    • I agree, Susan, I would never wish this experience on anyone. My heart would break if this happened to my children (my beautiful daughters and son). My ex has chosen not to spend another Father’s Day with his children and that breaks my heart. To my Dad and to those here, Happy Father’s Day. The best legacy you can leave your children is to live an honest life.

  • Big hugs to all the Chump Dads out there. And a great big cheer for all the wonderful things you do for your kids. Bless you for being the breath of sanity for your kids during tough times. You remind me that there are many, many good men out there.

    I will definitely give a shout out to my son who is a wonderful, loving dad to his two little girls and a warm, loving, supportive husband to my dear daughter in law. He and my daughter in law worked as a team to get her through breast cancer treatment, successfully, I might add. I am so proud of the man he is. Kind, living and sweet, he is my heart

  • Happy Father’s Day to the men who understand the profound effect their presence and love has on children.

    Also, to my own dear old departed daddio, who taught me how to look at everyone with the same face, be honest, work hard, dream big, share the wealth, laugh at your own jokes before you even tell them and believe in God.

  • Happy Fathers Day to all the dads who are there for their children in every way. Our children are our greatest gifts in life.

  • Happy Fathers Day Chump Dads! My Dad died when I was 29, he never met his grandchildren to my sadness. He did say to my family that there was something about X, he couldn’t put his finger on it, he was right. My Dads heart broke for me when I buried first husband at 26. Good Dads want to shoulder their children’s pain no matter their age. Keep being great Dads! Your children will always remember.

  • Happy Father’s Day to the thoughtul and kind dad who singled my son out at baseball practice and took him aside to show him how to bat. My son doesn’t know his name, and neither do I, but I sure do appreciate his efforts to encourage someone else’s son. He must be a good dad!

  • Spent the afternoon with my daughter. Went to the park, helped her with her homework (building a cave from modelling clay)and snuggled up on the couch watching the film Home before we had lasagne for tea followed by chocolate. Tucked her in bed with a couple of chapters of the book we’re reading. I have her for the next 4 days now.
    Crazy stbxw had suggested coming round and cooking for the 3 of us which I politely ignored.

  • My first Father’s Day without my Daddy. He was a wonderful man who worked hard, taught me values and respect, and loved his family always. He was married to my mother for over 50 years and showed the world that faithful and honorable men do exist. I wish he had not seen the pain and destruction of this last year (my mother had already passed away), but I will never forget his encouragment and reminding me daily that “One Step, you are going to get through this and you will be ok”. As he looks down from Heaven, I want to tell him that “yes, Daddy, I know I will be ok!”.

    Happy Father’s Day to all the wonderful dads. You are never appreciated enough!!

    • Same here. my dad died less than 2 weeks ago. The loss is still raw. He was an incredible man, who was married to his only love for 64 years. He was always my biggest supporter and encouraged my professional career from a young age, in a time when women were not recognized as equals in the work place. He was the original “woman’s libber” and he helped make me who I am. I called my mom today and we talked and cried and remembered. Love you more, Dad…

  • You male chumps are all mighty and I am glad to know you through this blog. Happy Father’s Day and thanks for giving us female chumps hope there are good guys out there.

  • I am a chump who was lucky to find another chump. His ex wide left him and their two kids and only occasionally looks back. He sacrificed and out his kids first in every possible way. Even encourages them to have a relationship with their mom because he thinks they should. There are wonderful men out there. Thanks to all you great dads. Keep taking the high road and trust there are good women out there too.

  • My heart aches for my daughters, who never saw their dad honor & cherish their mom, & won’t have any idea what that looks like. My heart even hurts a little bit for him. That he is a sorry excuse for a man, and has no integrity and one day his daughters will know this (if they don’t already).

    Happy Father’s Day to all of the dads of integrity out there

  • Happy Fathers Day to all the wonderful chump dads out there. I had an amazing father so I know kind-hearted, loyal, respectful and compassionate men exist.

  • Happy Father’s Day to all you loving honorable dads out there. I didn’t grow up with one, and I didn’t marry one, but I was lucky enough to get a FIL who I love and who has supported me through difficult times. Sadly, I don’t get to be with him today, but glad that the kids do.

  • Happy Father’s Day! I didn’t have a dad but I had plenty of father figures in my life to show me how the best dads are and how wonderful it is to have an awesome one. When my ex started getting wierd, I at least knew that he wasn’t awesome like those dads and now I can show my children that he isn’t the only figure they have to look up to. I let them pick out cards for him and this year they took me up on it. I am enjoying my smugness since I haven’t recieved a Mother’s Day card since several years before he left our family. Mmmmm smug! 😉
    Thanks to all the good dads! You make parenting and the world a better place!

  • I was blessed with awesome parents! Mom was 17 and dad was 18 when they got married 50 years ago. No she wasn’t knocked up, they just knew they were in love. She went against her parents wishes who wanted a nice white boy for a son in law. My dad is Hispanic. My moms parents gave in when she threatened to run off with him and my daddy have been by her side ever since. Her sister was not as lucky. My dad has made my mom her dream house, he is a carpenter. We were never rich but I never knew we were poor growing up. My mom has never worked and my dad has never cleaned the house (unless mom is sick). My dad has always been strict but very loving. And really patient otherwise I would have never reached my 20s haha. He is hard worker, loyal, understanding. He has been our strength and our guidance. He has always been there for me even when I got knocked up and unmarried and shamed the whole family (until more girl cousin got knocked up and I wasn’t the black sheep anymore), he might have spoke a single word to mw that year but he still took care of me and I still knew he loves mw and my daughter. In fact he names her.

    Now he has been the guidance and father figure for all 5 of my kids. Even after I got married his strength, knowledge and guidance were more so then my husbands. (huh I wonder why). My daddy is now teaching my sons how to be good hard working men. I believe my dad was possibly even more hurt and surprised by my husbands betrayal and abandonment. He treated my husband like the son he never had. They worked very well together and I think my dad enjoyed man talk. (my sister is married but her husband is not a hands on kind of guy whereas mine was). As far as I knew my husband’a father was dead and he wasn’t close to his mom. So my family became his family. My dad even remembered his birthday last year and called to tell mw to not do anything crazy. (and yep I was thinking of it). He is my sane in this crazy, but he is also old school. So after the first 6 months he was done grieving my ex and wanted mw to be too. His logic was 1. Me and my ex just wanted something different out of life.(I wasn’t at that step yet so it killed mw that he was so forgiving) and 2. What so you say to a man that leaves his wife and kids anyway (now that one made more sense to me.

    I seriously don’t know what I would do without my dad (and mom). I know my boys will be okay as long as my dad is helping me raise them. In fact my boys are there for the summer right now. They come back so much better. Last year, after staying there both boys had worked out their ‘daddy leaving us’ issues. I doubt I could have gotten there as soon by myself.

    Happy fathers day to my dad and all the other step up to the plate daddy.

  • YES!! This!! my children look up to my dad who is an awesome father figure, whereas now I use dear old dads behavior on lessons of what NOT to do. my littlest one even said “I don’t see PaPa doing this to grandma or his kids”.

    you and I were blessed with having good father figures for our children. my heart goes out to those that don’t and have to struggle thru this by themselves. And me neither on the mothers day card from him but my parents send me one every year. in a way it is so much better.

  • I grew up without a dad. I was lucky it was better not to be around that one. But I had father figures I am so very greatful for. Happy fathers day to all the great dads out there and to the moms who have to be fathers too. Enjoy your day.

  • Happy Father’s Day! My parents married when he was 26, and she was 16, in 1947. Shocking now, I guess. They were married 42 years, til he died in 1989 after a five year battle with lung/brain cancer. She died less than a year later of a massive heart attack. Thanks to these two people I know what love and marriage is really about. Just a note, it’s not sex, dating, romance, how you look. It’s who you ARE, your character, your morals , your ethics.

  • Well, I’m celebrating what is likely our last Father’s Day together as an intact family. It is surreal and sad, and I have a continual churning in my stomach. We just got back from visiting my father-in-law, who adores me. He had an affair that nearly destroyed the family. Somehow they stayed together and now they are mellowed, enjoying their grandchildren and living a simple life together, but my SIL is a basket case and my husband, well, you know. Knowing my FIL now, it’s hard for me to imagine he was ever a cheater. My husband told me before we got married that he would never cheat because of the pain his family went through. This was comforting to me, as my own dad was a serial cheater. Again, WTF is he thinking?

    Anyway, happy father’s day to all the awesome dad’s out there, especially the hard working chumps.

  • Newly minted Chump here. My dad is a narcissist and I dated and was engaged to one for a total of 10 years (thank God I dodged that bullet).

    My paternal grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago, but his memorial service was yesterday. He and my grandma were married for 70 years. He was a hard working, patient, and funny man and he and my grandma were inseparable.

    After being on this site for several days and being at his service, I am so sure that this is the kind of man I want and deserve. My grandpa may not have “sparkled” momentarily like my dad and ex are capable of, but instead, my grandpa’s whole life humbly radiated love, gentleness, and kindness-something that cheaters will never be able to appreciate, but I will.

  • To all you Fathers who are members of Chump Nation: we honor you this day (and everyday actually)! You are extraordinary!

  • I so wanted to email the OW today saying, ” I hope that your children are enjoying MY CHILDREN’S father today!!!!!”…..but I didn’t….had to post it somewhere that the comment would be understood….my children lost their father to the OW and her children. My kids do not speak to him and he certainly doesn’t put in the effort. It is much easier for him to say that his children ( grown adults, 34 & 36) don’t understand……and he can snowball the much younger OW and her family into thinking he is a wonderful man…….My Ex has no idea the joy he is missing out on not having a relationship with his own children and GRAND CHILDREN!!!!! I hope he misses them today!!!!!

    • I felt the same, especially after my 10 year old wondered out loud about why OW included her kids on the card for my kid’s dad. Her kids have a perfectly decent good involved dad after all.

  • My Dad is a wonderful wonderful man, it was my mom the cheater that broke our family. My dear husband is also a wonderful man and a great father, he balanced my mistakes as I did his. I hope our kids get as lucky. I am not articulate in saying how very much it does mean that there are good honest men in life. I am not articulate in saying how amazing the strong people are who go through cheaterville and get to MEH with their kids hearts in their hands. SALUTE!

  • I dropped off my kid at Rat Bastard’s house (aka my house) this morning for Father’s Day and thought to myself, “You still don’t deserve that kid…but, Happy Father’s Day all the same.” Some people get blessed with gifts that they don’t deserve. Sigh.

    My own father passed away 6 years ago, 3 days before Father’s Day. He was the kindest, most generous man I’ve ever known. He is my hero and role model. He was stoic, kind, generous and had solid integrity. He didn’t say much, but he demonstrated everything we all needed to know about life. He is the man that I’m trying to teach my son to be in terms of kindness, generosity, integrity and courage. I miss my pops.

  • My family, we have a terrible record of terrible men. My great grandfather, cheating loser, my grandfather cheater, but not a loser, my bio dad, huge grandiose narc and my step dad, and my XH, covert narcs. I have my work cut out for me. For those of you who have wonderful fathers, or grandfathers, you have been richly blessed.

  • Hi all! Male chump here. Just would like to say what a nice thread this is. Yes, there are men out there who are decent and respectful. We celebrate father’s day later in the year here in Australia, but Its nice to see everyone appreciating the day over there in th US.

  • My father has been lovingly married to my mother for 56 years. He has always been a gentle humble man. He worked in a career of power, never abusing it always treating everyone with respect. People on opposite sides of his work environment came to his retirement party to honor him and tell him thank you. Today when I told him how grateful I was to have him for my father he said I love you and will always look out for you honey…he is 77, he is my inspiration.

  • I just got a voicemail from my shitbag ex asking why I didn’t have our child call him today. You mean the child you haven’t spoken to in over a month? The child you can call anytime? I’m being a big ole meany for not having our child call you to be reminded of not seeing or speaking to you regularly? I suppose your fingers are broken and you can’t call unless it’s to tell me at close to midnight that I suck. Father of the fucking year I tell you.

    • // , Hm. Shitbag of the year, maybe. It sounds like he knows how this game is played, and how to get an ex to read or listen to a voicemail.

      • My father growing up was there, but not present. He is attempting to do a better job with his grandchildren and with his own kids. Other than that, none have entered my life. I plan to involve my son in activities where he can have positive male interaction: martial arts, boys scouts, church, etc.

    • Remember! It’s all about the cheater! Always! And he’s a victim, and you’re the enemy! His failure as a father is YOUR fault today! And that feels almost as great as actually being there for your kid–without all the messy entanglements and other (bORing!) obligations!
      Ignore him. He’s reaping what he sows.

      • That’s exactly what I did and what I do. No contact unless it’s about our son. It’s so hard because I just want to point out all of his flaws in logic, but what’s the point? The only thing that makes the frustration of not calling him on his shit is knowing that denying him kibbles eats at him.

    • i expected something like this also but thankfully i did not receive a call. this is the first fathers day that my children did not call dear old dad. mostly because they are at my parents house and i did not feel like telling my mom to let my kids call daddy dearest. it felt wrong for me, but it was not my choice to have the kids out of his life. this is how HE wanted it. so be it.

      last year i not only had the boys call first thing fathers day morning, but that friday before they left to my parents on saturday, we had exhole over to the house so the boys could give him the cards they proudly picked out and i made him hamburgers and cake. but of course it meant nothing to him. he completely forgot about all of it and tried to throw it in my face that i “didnt let the boys see him last fathers day!! and the kids should be with their dad on fathers day”…..i couldnt believe it. REALLY!!! we went through all that trouble because MY BOYS wanted to do something for him and he cant even remember what we did. So THAT is how much it meant to him that the boys gave him cards, little gifts, dinner and a cake. ALL he WANTED to do was to throw it in my face that i was a bad person. of course SHE was in the background telling him what to say. (but she loves his boys so much, right, she didnt even remember it either) And it was ALL MY FAULT… haha*shrugs* oh well, not my problem anymore.

      he is so used to me doing everything. I dont think he understands that i never HAD to do those things and that he fired me from doing them for him. i am still waiting on the day that it will hit him.

      he also thinks that my boys NEED to call him and not the other way around. i dont know HOW many times i have told since the divorce that it is HIS responsibility to call the boys. he seems to think that if they dont call him then they dont love him. they are 9 and 13. they have been at my parents for 2 weeks now and have not ONCE called me….why? Because they are busy!! they are having fun and helping work. and because they are children. most children do not stop and think hey i should call mom or dad. but when i call them my mom tells me they have been asking about me and so forth. crazy how exhole thinks the children should be more responsible then he is. even when we didnt have a phone number for him, he was all put out that the kids never called. REALLY? huh. ok…

      cant fight that crazy way of thinking.

      • You and Moose are right! It’s no longer my job. While we were married, he would jokingly refer to me as his secretary…only he wasn’t joking. When we first split, I was keeping up with my “job,” by sending him photos all the time and keeping him updated on every little thing our child did. Then I woke up and asked myself, “Are his fingers broken? Can he not dial the number to find out information if he wants?”

        He certainly could while he was having 5-6 simultaneous affairs, planning weddings with other women, having them (and me) pay our bills because he lied about working (and also about having health insurance for our child through his fake job), lying about paying our taxes, and…wait…that was a lot to juggle. I guess he really did need me as his secretary.

  • A sincere salute to the man raising the children of my husband’s Affair Partner. I know you are like me, are staying home and keeping it all together while they fly off to “work” together. Someday when my legal mess is wrapped up and taken care of I promise to reach out and make sure you have everything you need to make an informed decision about your life.

  • I had a nice Father’s Day. I had my eldest son, the one with Down Syndrome with me, as well as two daughters. Got a call from my youngest son who is in treatment in California. He told me how much he loved me. Same with my daughters and my eldest son showed his love in his own way.
    My middle daughter has been living with me for a month now and says it is permanent. So, there may be a child support adjustment looming, maybe a battle.
    She is 15 tomorrow and I am pretty sure the court would allow her to choose where she lives.
    I would go through this horror ( two cheating XWs) again a thousand times if it meant my kids would be here.
    There is some justice. The kids know what their moms did and their moms have to live with the fact that the kids have little respect for them. What fools they were: Divorce was easily and readily available to them. if they were dissatisfied. Why get out of a marriage in such a dishonorable and cruel way, setting up so much future pain and resentment?

  • Chump Lady, The depths of your empathy never fail to impress me. You nailed describing the part of the shit sandwich male chumps have to bite into. I am a dad and am proud that I kept my sh*t together parenting-wise, and kudos to you other chump dads. Same to you moms.

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