So lately we’ve been discussing all the ways cheaters lose their shit when they realize their precious kibble supply is dwindling. Narcissistic rage, self pity, charm (the three channels). But today I was wondering, what’s the most pathetic play for kibbles you’ve received?
I know it’s probably hard to choose. Thinking of examples on this blog, there was the cheater who after the divorce wanted to know if he could live in his ex-chump’s basement? He even offered to pay rent!
There are, of course, the legions of cheaters who wish to “remain friends” and fail to understand your “bitterness.” Mine wanted to file taxes jointly as he held up the divorce. (Hey, you’re leaving me, but why not give me a break on my taxable income? Be a love.)
It’s so sad when the kibble well runs dry. Sometimes those cheaters have to mine new sources and renew the old. But never deprive them of their life force of kibbles!
So, my wiser now, once kibble-dispensing chumps — how did your cheater circle back?
He calls it “bitterness”, I call it “experience”.
I call it an intelligent response to having an emotional machete buried in your back.
Excellent Tempest! Mine tried out the love bombing again but his heart just wasn’t in it this time … Or maybe I just didn’t have blinders on anymore lol. Anyway, he went all “Your irreplaceable, please believe in me again, you make me a better man, let’s try again, blah blah blah.” I said, yea, but you’re still the online dating sites looking for someone new (I was bluffing, or so I thought). And he flew into the narc rage on a dime; flipped the script just like that, and I went from being “irreplaceable” to a “diminishing beauty, a bitter shriveled up old hag” etc etc.
two words: no contact … the only words that never hurt lol
Wow, deepbreaths. 0 to 60 in one second; your narc’s charm-to-rage channels are on speed-cycle.
Mine wanted to meet up over a year afyer the divorce to discuss “what happened” between us. I told her I wasn’t confused. She committed adultery and divorced me. Then I wished her the best sorting that out with God. Really pissed her off!
Love it, DM!!!
My new motto: “Affairs are God’s way of weeding the assholes out of your life.” I read that on a FB post the other day….very powerful!
LOVE this! LOL!
I said that when my son was diagnosed with autism 10 years ago. That weeded out many people. My serial cheating asshole weeded out the rest of the narcissists who wanted to revel in being goof to “my retarded kid” because autism is fashionable now. Guess those idiots have too much retard now in understanding father of the year was actually sucking strange dicks on business trips and fucking sluts upstairs from my autistic son.
I saw this on FB the other day and had a good laugh … “Don’t make excuses for nasty people. You can’t put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase!”
Perfect, DM. Love that!
My stbx tried to regain kibbles in lots of small ways. My best example was when he left me to do all the paperwork to sell our house… I finally got him to sign the contract of sale, clung to me crying and said ‘but she’s nothing like you!’. Yeah:you think? Mostly though he refused to do any paperwork or take any responsibility for anything to do with splitting assets or divorce because ‘it made him sad’, ‘he wasn’t good at it’ or was too ‘ruined’. Give me a break. I must admit I did dispense kibbles at some points in order to make things easier for me, but always had a laugh about it afterwards. Thank god we didn’t have kids… I shudder to think how he would have dealt with them. It’s almost unbelievable how irresponsible my stbx has become after the fact.
Your X (& I think most if ours ) was always irresponsible. You either covered for it with your abilities or you were blind to it because you were in love. But we can see clearly now. Most of these deadbeats hook up with smart, efficient, pro-active partners to make up for the qualities that they lack. The whores that they choose over us can never fill our shoes. They deserve each other!
My STBX (signing final papers a week from tomorrow!) actually had the gall to say to me “She is a lot like you. She is much more on top of these things than I am”
By his classification system we are similar — in some categories of our usefulness to him and his need to avoid being an adult as much as possible. It’s no wonder he is chomping at the bit to introduce the kids, so he can offload some of that work (because she is “good with children”– presumably when she isn’t threatening to commit suicide if she doesn’t get what she wants.)
I get ya Stuntchump, Saddam picked a woman who looked like a poor imitation of me and was a rescuer. What he failed to take into account was me catching him. So he picked a teacher who couldn’t support him in the style to which he was accustomed and who has so many foo issues of her own she can’t keep him from fucking up. In other words, they enable each other rather poorly.
And I can’t wait, so congrats on your divorce ahead of time!
renee62—you gave a perfect description of the XBF. Perfect.
He cannot recreate what he had with me no matter how hard he tries–and no whore can fill my size 6.5 “Choos”.
I’ll be back later to reminisce about epic fail feeble kibble grasps….
My STXHB called me last week so I could explain our son’s baseball schedule to him. He said he didn’t understand it because he isn’t as smart as me. The schedule is seriously a list of teams and what field they play and when. His whore could have read it to him.
LOL. I met my husband last week at a notary the other day and he (once again) paid little attention to my directions so when he finally showed up he asked me not to give him a hard time, that he didn’t feel well. He’s a hypochondriac so as we were leaving he said, “When you lie on your side does your arm go numb?” I said, “Sometimes.” Then I added, “It’s normal.” Because I know how his mind works.
He said, “It’s not normal for me.”
I looked at him and said, “Your girlfriend’s a nurse or something, right? I’m sure she can massage it out for you. I don’t want to hear about your aches and pains any more.”
The very idea that he thinks I could give a shit, or want to help make him feel better is pretty appalling to me. It comes down to the fact that he knows I’m a decent person, but I shut that request for kibbles down and drove away.
ML–you should have told him that a numb arm is the sign of serious terminal heart disease. Could have kept him worrying for weeks! And imagine how much nonsense HA would have had to listen to for those weeks!
or say…it is the precursor to permanent erectile dysfunction lol
// , One word. Embolism.
Ha ha ha ha ha…..Well done ML but I think I would have gone with the serious heart problem ha ha h ah ah haaa
ha ha ha ha or erectile disfunction ha h ah ha ha
Well done ML!
What is it with the inability to understand schedules or follow directions? Mine would spaz out at the most simple things. Like my kid’s hockey schedule which is very clear like your baseball one. Travel itineraries were next to impossible. Then there is the inability to follow directions for cooking, cleaning, fixing things. The guy has two graduate degrees for cryin out loud.
// , Human memory largely is ingrained with emotional attachment and values.
Someone who doesn’t value snails will not remember snails, etc.
Someone who values toroid expulsion patterns will remember toroid expulsion patterns.
It is called laziness.
If an opportunity arises, where the skill is an advantage to get some ass, all of a sudden he will be good at it. I experienced the phenomenon.
^^^THIS^^^ Absolutely!! “where the skill is an advantage to get some ass, all of a sudden he will be good at it.” Amazing when you start realizing what their priorities REALLY are… in my case it isn’t our son…. although he puts on a good ACT. Idiot always asking me if the boy has a game….. I actually put our son’s game schedule on a spread sheet with the day of the week, date of the game, which park, field, AND team we are playing….. and I get… “does he have a game tomorrow night??” Seriously!!?? SMDH… if it was something about one of the ho’s he is chasing he would NEVER forget! Asshole.
Hope you all have been well…. been busy lately so I haven’t commented much…. but always reading and checking in. Hugs to my fellow chumps!!
HopeFloats – I was EXACTLY like you for a nanosecond. But chick, it’s not your job to see that he can read schedules or that he gets to your child’s activities on time and at the right place. F-that!!
I made a Google Drive account, and that is where everything is organizaed in folders that I control, and that he has full access to by phone, tablet or desktop. This is the only way I communicate these items to him, and will remain that way for the next three years until my daughter turns 18. I have the folders by school year for calendars, and by calendar year for my daughter’s additional expenses, of which he is required to pay half.
Any time my daughter gets a list of sports dates/times/venues, or band dates/times/venues, I take a photo of it with my phone or iPad, open the app, and drop the photo inside the folder for the current school year.
“Awwwww – but I thought you’d make calendar events for me like you used to,” the douchebag said.
It cannot be said that I don’t make the info available. If he wants “reminders” and someone to wipe his ass, since I’m not his PR agent anymore, he’ll have to do it himself now, and key those hundereds of calendar events himself. Since he’s too fucking lazy to do that (takes time away from kibble-whoring and self-love), he’s missed most of her sporting events, and band event. It’s fine with us b/c he’s an embarrassment.
Again…F-THAT. How is it that we can manage to decipher basic date/time/field# calendars?? It’s because those fuckers don’t care enough to ENGAGE.
I’m encouraging you to stop doing more than giving him a copy, then walking away. Check out the Google drive.
Kibble Free, awesome!! I did all of that too for my STBX be not after we separated. Our daughter was 6 months shy of 18 when we had our visitation hearing. He never asked for any level of custody of our daughter but he specifically asked that I set up and maintain a shared calendar so he would know when things were going on. I looked him square in the eye and refused. Then he suggested that our daughter maintain it for him and I again said absolutely not. The mediator never flinched and we moved on to the next topic.
When we were together, I kept all that information in a shared calendar that he refused to connect to because he wanted me to be his secretary and inform him of everything. KMA, KMA – not my circus anymore.
Hey BBC – you & your daughter are SO lucky that it was only a few months of additional crap you HAD to put up with. When we had the first temp hearing, he had abandoned us for 6 mos. The judge told me to keep a shared calendar, which REALLY pissed me off. I even said, “I’m happy to give him Xerox copies of all of her calendars, exactly the way I receive them, but I do not feel that I should be made to enter all these hundreds of items into a calendar to babysit him.” That pisseed HER off, and she goes, “Look – you don’t get it. I’m trying to help you. If you keep this digital calendar, you’re giving him the opportunity to fail.” He was standing right there, but the judge knew his deal. Especially after having to admit he was living with his married whore-worker and abandoned. After the divorce was final in Dec., you can bet I stopped entering ANYTHING to that online calendar. It wasn’t in the decree that I had to anymore. That’s why I did the Google Drive. Just take a pic, put it in the right folder, and move on. You can bet I enter all that stuff into my personal digital calendar for ME and for my daughter, but he can screw off.
My daughter has three years to go that she’s being forced to see/interact with this moron. The ONLY good thing is that since he – literally – abandoned us (she was 13 at the time), she has ZERO overnight visits with him. And “uncle dad dates” are also based on her activities and her personal wishes.
I really feel that being forced to see him is emotional abuse based on how she feels about him, but we’ll comply as long as we have to. These visits are ONLY to make him feel somewhat better about himself, b/c it’s doing nothing for her. She is learning that she actually has a lot to say about weather she sees him or not, and b/c she’s in high school, and very involved, it’s saving her from having to see him as much.
(((hugs to you, girl)))
oh no, hugs to you!! You and your daughter have to deal with it much longer than I did.
My daughter was 16 when we split but I didn’t file until a year later (state law and fake reconciliation period). From the time we split, I let them schedule their own time together and never got in the way of it. It was the best thing I ever did next to kicking him out. Initially she was all about spending time with him, overnights, etc. which was hard for me. But the luster wore off quickly. These days, she has lunch with him on Sundays and that’s about it. She uses his gym membership but only when he’s at work because he critiques her workouts which drives her crazy. She’s an athlete and will play in college so she has specific workout routines to follow.
Fortunately for me, again, he didn’t ask for custody or any type of visitation schedule since I have no issue with open access between them. Unfortunately for him, his narc qualities are driving her away. She has a car so she goes to see him. He’s made a few attempts to ‘pick her up’ so he can come here but she knows by now that I don’t want that so she tells him no.
Hang in there Kibble Free…my heart goes out to you and your daughter but I’m glad the time for forced visitation is getting shorter for you guys.
We both got cellphones shortly after D-Day. Had always been too cheap before, but I wanted greater connectivity with friends as a single person. My first husband suggested that we join forces to get the Verizon family plan. Why on earth would we sign a two-year consumer contract together just as we’re filing for divorce?! When I told him that was nuts, he replied, “This offer won’t be on the table for long.” WTF.
Soooo many ways. I’m in Australia. He decided to announce that “he couldn’t do THIS any more” (i.e. wanted to be with another woman) about a year ago. I had three kids aged five and under, and after the smack in the face shock discipated, I began researching the process of undergoing mediation regarding split time parenting our kids. At that time, he asked me to explain how “all of that stuff works”. He’d hardly had a minute to himself, what? Poor sausage. Between training at his gym with OW, working all those long hours and trying to spend time at OW’s house…he had not a moment to figure out how the rest of his life being a father to three small children might rate on his list of priorities.
Another later comment; “I thought that I was a good husband.”
Yep, you were a good husband the same way Suzy was a good babysitter until that time she drowned the baby.
LOL ChocLemonGelato…cheating ex thought it was going to be easy with three kids under five, the OW and her daughter (almost a teen)…I don’t know how it’s going “over there” but sometimes I enjoy thinking/seeing some “frustration” from his part…
“I thought that I was a good husband.”
“I guess that makes two of us mistaken, then.”
AC–you are on a roll today!
“What made you think that?”
horrible husband, not a great father….we will see as time passes but I’m not holding my breath!
I’ve heard “I JUST CAN”T DO THIS ANYMORE!” very dramatically before too. Last time was when my 7 year old spilled a can of vegetables that was on the top shelf of the fridge onto the floor. Um. Okay. So Don’t. That phrase just pisses me the hell off. It’s only second to “The heart wants what it wants!” You mean your weiner wants what it wants.
Weiner, indeed! They don’t have hearts.
Mine STBX said, “Cheating made me a better husband.” He said this while we were in couples counseling. The therapist had a hard time controlling his facial expression!!! It was comical!
OMG. I know I’m late in reading this but it is SOOOO damn helpful to know others have experienced the same crazy making. My ex said he and his mistress (also married with 3 kids, sunday school teacher, ethics professor – such an angel!) thought cheating would help their marriages. I just looked at him like he was the biggest idiot on the plant, which he is.
Now I only communicate with him in writing and won’t let him on our property. He recently called me “childish” for not speaking with him and I almost responded. SO glad I didn’t. Not giving fuel back makes him nuts. That’s the stand I take now – He’s just not important enough for me to give any energy to unless scheduling visitation for my daughter. I keep that as short as possible too.
POS: “Would you like me to drop off your mail?”
Me: “Sure – just put it inside the door”
Asswipe: “You aren’t home? When will you be back?”
Dumbass: “Looks like your son already grabbed the mail. Would you like me to stop and say ‘hi’?”
Me: No response
3 hours pass..
Jackass: “I have ribs in the oven, would you like to stop for dinner?”
Me: “Not hungry.”
Fuckface: “Would you like to stop for a drink?”
Assface: “Ok – I was just trying to be nice and see how you were doing.”
Me: No response
2 hours pass..
Dumbshit: “Can we at least be friends?”
Me: “I don’t care to have a ‘friend’ who lies, deceives, and betrays me, so nope.”
^^ This. “I thought that you said that one day, that we could be friends. I sincerely believe that it won’t happen in the future if you don’t weave it into your present…” or some shit like that.
Friends with one who betrays? I think not.
Exactly who the hell wants to be friends with some one who stuck a knife in your back and enjoyed twisting and turning it day after day and then looks at you teary eyed and says I can’t imagine you not being in my life somehow we can still be good friends right?! At that point I was numb but I fell off the chair in hysterical laughter after which he started laughing and then proceeds to tell me THE WHORE wants to become good close friends with me! Tells me me and her are so much alike. Well no…. I don’t go after married men and hurt their wives for no reason other than my own evil self interest! I relasped into another bout of laughter he laughs again big fat smile on his ugly face. After I wiped off my laugh tears I gave the wtf look and said no you stopped being my friend the moment you went off with her. Friends real ones don’t lie, cheat, stick knives in their wives and children and fuck them over without a second thought and yeah woman like her who likes to sleep only with a committed man and wreck homes and hurt me when I don’t even know her yeah she would make a great friend. She buys love loyalty and friendship the piece of shit. She is allowed no where near me my house or mine. Remain good friends hmmmpf had a good laugh at that one. I guess they figure they get kibbles forever. Assholes!!!!
We had a “friend” convo a couple years ago and I remember distinctly telling him “I expect way more from my friends, than what you are offering”.
LadyStrange….awesome 🙂 I couldn’t quit laughing.
I think we need to have a prize for the best non kibble dispensing dialog while keeping your cool and dignity. First it will give some of us more cowardly chumps the vocabulary to deal with this shit and 2) Some of these are hilarious and so spot on. LadyStrange, you are definitely in the running for first prize.
yep. let’s be friends with a hissing viper. um, no
Sitting in the oncology clinic about to read your post when my XPOS walks in all smiles, drops a bag of clothes he insisted our girls leave with him on the weekend to wash, is very amicable today so that makes him just above cold stone frozen. Then I read your post. Laughed my ass off. Thank you it has set an excellent mood.
My ex after he told me he needed to be on his own to find his happiness because he was depressed. ( not knowing about OW yet.)
My Jackass says: I thought we could go out to dinner.
Me: you just told me you needed to be on your own.
My Jackass says: But I thought we could still be friends.
Me: We have been married for 33 years and now you want to be just friends?
After I found out about other woman is was different he would say: I deserve to be happy. I deserve this relationship. Why do you have to be so mean? You have an anger problem. I was suppose to be nice when he had been cheating and lying for a long time. I called him a lying, cheating, coward. Coward because he couldn’t even tell me about his affair other than in an e-mail. My therapist told me that I told him the truth he did lie, he did cheat and he was and is a coward. I liked she said that. What is it with these guys? They cause so much pain and then still think friends are possible. I hope he is miserable and she is a complete nag to him. That is what he deserves. I can only hope.
OMG. My ex said he “deserved to be happy” so he had an affair, and also “deserved a decent standard of living” so he cut child support in half AFTER receiving a $12K annual raise. Un-Fing believable.
He also was “scared” of me because I yelled at him for two days after I found out about the hellaciously long affair. Poor little guy. And I mean LITTLE. Then when I told him I had gone to see an attorney, he ran out of the house yelling “I can’t trust you!!!” Really?
He also gave a pity party for himself with a kind friend talking about how devastated he was that his first wife cheated on him FIFTEEN years ago. His friend found out this was WHILE he was having his own affair. His friends are dropping like flies. It’s awesome. I don’t have to do a thing but keep my mouth shut. He’s such an idiot.
The irony is lost on all these jerks. And my ex studies irony for research as a professor! It’s hilarious.
I look forward to reading the responses because as a truly supportive unicorn, I never stopped handing out kibbles, I spewed them like a broken gumball machine
that during our marriage, I was compliant and did what I was told…he was active duty military and when Uncle Sam told us to move, I packed and moved.
until I discovered his OW
During the shitstorm of the speech, the blame, discovery…he was picking the first job he would do after the military and he took the cool one that everyone would envy…3000 miles away. He got out there and decided one day that he wanted his family around so he called and told me to sell the house, pull the kids from school (one was a senior) , quit my job and move there so that we could buy the $900,000 house he wanted to risk every dollar we had on.
“No? a good wife would be here already” “If you don’t come I will divorce you”
“No, this is where you left us, if you want us back, you come here. If you don’t love me enough to be married to me here then you don’t love me enough, so no”
I had never said no in all those years…and his response was “You don’t cope very well, if one of our children died, I don’t think you would handle it well”.
Yes folks, I was the broken one, yea.
He did eventually return home for our wreconcilliation, but he whined and griped about living here to his last breath. He forgot that he chose this city and home in the first place and we didnt move because he destroyed our family but he managed to blame me every day. He would say “you make me live in this godforsaken hell hole of horror” as I got stronger, I gently said “this is a nice place to live, he hell hole of horror is between your ears”.
Ha! “WRECK”-oncilliation” !! LOVE it!!
Unicornnomore, my husband is miserable wherever he is too. He’s always blaming his problems on the country or town we’re in, or my family or his family, or the weather, or the government but never taking any responsibility for anything.
I am sooooo eager for him to leave this town he claims to hate so much. But I fear he will have a family with Heather Whore Ann and be stuck here. At least it will give him plenty to whine about.
But the bottom line with these blameless cheaters is: wherever they go, there they are. We all see that, but they never will.
It took me 32 years to understand that he’s miserable wherever he is. I caused him to cheat when I refused to move from a job I loved and a community that I have come to enjoy. We moved 10 times in 20 years because he always wanted a “better” job. Now he can move out of my house and into hers in a different town.
Misery loves company. For the past five weeks X was testing the waters engaging the adult children in conversations to determine if he could text me to answer questions he had regarding the divorce agreement. I was firm with letting them know I want no contact. X then called my lawyer for information. She told him to consult his own attorney. X had to pay a lawyer to send a letter. Next X hinted to my son that I could have the grill left at my daughters. I told my son I could afford my own and didn’t need anything from X. Next X offered to drop off granddaughter at the boat to see me when I was at the cottage. I let her know I would handle the arrangements and didn’t need X’s services. No more kibbles enraged the narc and suddenly X called the police and listed ridiculous injustices he had suffered over the past 11 months. X then sent a threatening text. X is stupid. There is nothing more pathetic than an aging narcissist with two shrunken heads. I’m assuming all is not well in cheater hell. Funny shit.
Wait, what? That’s some kinda non-sequitur there. You refuse to move (rightly so), and suddenly he’s hypothesizing about how you’d react if one of your kids died? What a sick fuck!
Pretty much what every kid says when their parents won’t let them do something or won’t buy something for them. “If I died you would feel sorry. You’d wish you’d bought me X or let me do Y.”
On the night of D-Day after much discussion I told Cheater he had to leave our home, since he had refused to do anything to try to save our relationship, and said that he wouldn’t stop seeing OW (actually what he said was, among other insane stupid narcissist things, “I couldn’t tell you about her! I needed to make sure it was a sure thing with her first!” and when at one point I begged him to stay with me until he worked this out of his system, he said, “No, Muse, that would never work; I already ran the Sharing Idea by her, and she won’t go for that.” My head was spinning, wait? “the” Sharing Idea? That’s an actual thing? why wasn’t I asked?
He asked if he could live in the guest room and use the side door to come and go. When I told him no, that if he wasn’t going to choose me over OW, he had to leave and move out immediately, he said, “Well, I have a date with her for tomorrow night. Can I least come back after work to shower and change my clothes? She’s going away for a few days and I need to say goodbye to her.” I was supposed to feel touched, I suppose, by how caring he was (towards her). If I hadn’t gotten suspicious of his weird excuses for “working late” and checked the cell phone account online, I would have been sitting home with his dinner ready on the table for him that next night while they were on their special goodbye date. He would have come home, complained how stressful his workday was, waiting till I wasn’t watching then whipped out the cell phone I was paying for him to have, and texted her for the 50th time.
Not surprising that 6 months after D-Day I found evidence of the serial cheating. These people are freaks. This is how they live. They will do it for as long as they can get away with it, then find a new source of sustenance so they can do it all over again. So relieved and glad he’s out of my life and I’m not his kibble supply anymore.
After I begged him not to go see his French OW again, he came back home. I said why didn’t you stay in France? He actually said to me: “Because I love my country too much.” What? I thought she was your soulmate. They are aliens!
Read, “French OW ditched me.”
Sounds brutally familiar.
In the beginning when I confronted him he treated me like absolute shit. Informed me of everything wrong with me which was what he loved about me in the first place sigh! Name calling, mean and nasty, saying vile hurtful things all he could do to justify his actions. Fast forward six months he changed again, way nicer and kinder he now knew what the whore was like. Ha! Fast forward another six months still going home to the whore but now can’t do enough for me, up my ass with kindness, ha! Once I turned my attitude and starting treating him so callously and without concern he amped up his care. Me I’m taking it for now he moved me away from all friends And family so except for the phone I’ve no one local. Little minor kibbles from me very little is helping me line up the ducks. He can’t let go. Now the set up is for my benefit as soon as I reduced kibbles to near nothing and treated him they way he treated me all changed. Now he is kibbling. End if the year I’m gone and done. Kibbles and good wife gone!!!!!!!!!
Mine threatened to take full custody of our daughter. Didn’t happen but he wanted 50-50. Then quickly inserted his new girlfriend to attend to after school duties like pick up because cheater couldn’t get there.
Asked me if I’d be ok to do pick up and drop off because “don’t you want to do what’s best for our daughter?”
Personally, I believe arguments over custody are usually arguments over how much will be paid in child support and who gets the income tax deduction, and child credit. Whoever is the primary care giver in the marriage usually remains the primary care giver. One spouse may have a job which requires a great deal of travel. How do you care for the daily, sometimes hourly needs of children if you have to travel or have a long commute, or irregular work hours? I also think the arguments are meant to terrify you and possibly “punish” you. If you look at the needs of the children, and consider what their “normal” routine is, and if you really love and care for your children, you will put their needs first, and you will try not to disrupt their life any more than necessary.
If you are married to a selfish disordered person, and if they have been spending a great deal of time cheating, they probably have not been attentive to the children anyway. It is fairly easy to collect and present evidence about who is doing the “work” of raising the children. The court may be indifferent about who cheated, but it is usually not indifferent about what is best for the children.
I read court documents nearly everyday in my work with regard to child custody and child support. Some of these children would be better off without either one of their parents. The horror stories I read are just the tip of the iceberg to what these kids have endured, I’m sure.
I don’t know who came up with the idea that a 50/50 split is “fair” to anyone. There is disparity in time, income, availability, and temperament. Parents should be accountable for the total care package of their children, but not all parents are capable of making good decisions for themselves, and some are too selfish to ever put their child’s needs above their own. The biological ability to procreate does not mean that you have the capacity to be a good parent.
Whatever your arrangement, it is a good idea to put it in writing and IF IT DOES NOT WORK OUT, document, document, document. Modification is also possible. Don’t settle for less $ in child support unless the disordered one is actually doing what he/she is legally obligated to do. You are not free child care for your spouse, if they have “something important” come up and they cannot fulfill their obligations. If you love your child, your child deserves the best care either of you can afford.
Many times, affair partners are not interested in being parenting partners. They may put on a big public show, but if they are always on the look-out for place to slip off and have a boink meeting, or a new partner to boink, they probably don’t want to spend their time changing diapers and taking toddlers to the park. I have to say that my EXH’s affair partners were usually better at taking care of my sons than he ever was. I was not thrilled about that — but it was reality and I wanted to know my sons were being fed, and bathed, and had a safe clean place to sleep.
I agree Portia. 50/50 was what I settled for to get the disordered out of my life and it turns out I have our daughter more anyhow.
I’m reasonable when it comes to travel and other issues that pertain to my ex’s work schedule. But when you have a domestic with your girlfriend and you want me to sort that out for you by helping out with pick up? Nah. I’m good.
Thankfully my daughter is a teenager. She can figure things out quite well. I find it best to stand back and let her see who her Dad really is. The cracks show.
Portia and Thensome, ITA. If they weren’t a good parent in the marriage, they sure as heck aren’t one out of it either. They’re usually much, much worse, in fact. They only do for the kids when there is someone (new love interest, other parents at school or activities, etc.) watching. Otherwise, they don’t give a flying rat’s ass about their kids because, ya know, they take work!
I can always tell when Cheater #1 has a new girlfriend. Then the indignation that he “never” sees his son and he’s going to sue for full custody amps up again. Apparently these women are experts, experts, I tell you, in the family law arena. And the child support, that has not gone up in twelve years, is highway robbery. The kicker? Most of these bitches don’t.have.kids, so they have no earthly idea what raising one costs. Nowadays, I mostly ignore the noise since all of them break up with him within a year. Not so good at hiding his true self anymore, I guess.
“Personally, I believe arguments over custody are usually arguments over how much will be paid in child support and who gets the income tax deduction, and child credit.”
Absolutely. I knew that when my ex insisted that I give him the custody of both our daughters (ages 2 and 6) even though I work at home, and he has only 1 day per week off work, to leave them under the care of the OW who’s diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
This is what my ex tried to attempt. He wanted 50/50 because he didn’t want to have to pay CS, but I think he anticipated that his life would continue on the way it had before, and he wouldn’t actually have to do any additional parenting. I calmly informed him that when he had the kids during his half of the week, he was 100% responsible for taking care of them. I would not be “babysitting” for him on nights that he had grad classes or musical performances (which, at that point, were many). It was amazing how quickly he changed his tune and then had no problem giving me primary custody. I think that the EOW and one weeknight is really all that my ex and the Owife can handle. They have her two kids full-time, and as much as they like to play up the Brady Bunch angle, they couldn’t sustain it every day over the long-term since they are more about image than substance. Because, you know… parenting is something you actually have to do, and sometimes it can be hard! Golly gee!
My circles back like a buzzard…pick pick pick… Flies off… Back again… Pick pick pick.
Yep, sounds familiar. He called me a few weeks ago because his mum had been taken ill. I’m still fond of her and she refuses to have anything to do with the Stupid Bitch Whore. So, asked me to keep in touch about his mother and I emailed a few days later to ask him how she was. One line reply, ‘fine thank you’. He has not spoken or tried to contact me since. No doubt he is playing some passive aggressive game here. If he is waiting for me to respond and start asking what’s wrong, is he ok, why the sudden silence…he is going to have a very very long wait. In fact, try eternity. And you know what – reading this back has just made me realise how much closer to ‘Meh’ I get every single day. 🙂
Well I’ll start with the tax situation, that’s the most recent & glaring example of kibbles.
So he also decided, as CL’s ex did, that he was entitled to half of my tax return this year. Although he’s been out of the house for a year and a half and I’ve maintained all the bills & mortgage, he believes he should be receiving half my return. Lol. He’s so committed to that idea that he’s filed an extension, thinking I’ll cave and submit by October. Hahaha!!! He also called my mother and played the sad sausage card to try to manipulate her into giving him tax documents from my home because I refused. What a loon.
I can’t guarantee I won’t come back with more stories today. Lol.
Ya – speaking of taxes…. My dumbass decided to cash in his Roth 9 days after recieving divorce papers. He didn’t think I would find out or something…. Went to accountant and we owed $5000 in taxes. I have ALWAYS made MY tax burden throughout the year – whereas dumbshit claims 1, and we have always ‘split’ the taxes (I was stupid – I know). So my accountant suggested we file separate since he was obviously trying to screw me. I was close….. I told fuckface that because he cashed in that Roth we needed to file separate, he bought it. His tax burden, had he filed separate, would have been $8000!. Mine = about $100.00. I was more than happy to send in $100.00. But – I was nice and allowed him to pay the full $5000.00 and claimed joint. He’s gonna get a nice slap in the face next year. Oh but wait – then again…. He told me that as soon as I was out of the picture, he was going to be ‘rich!’ So nevermind – he will have plenty of cash to pay the usual $2000/year we normally pay in. But – it will likely be more next year since he doesn’t have me paying in throughout the year like we should. Idiot.
One thing I might add….my youngest will be in college next year and I have a 21-year old. I told the both of them that we will no longer be claiming them as dependents, therefore they will be able to get a better tax break for schooling next year. I failed to tell my stbx that. Surprise asshole!
Oh – ha – one more thing…. Dumbshit asked me if I was going to pay half the property taxes this past May. Ummmm – I left the house, so no. I told him that I was not helping to pay the property taxes because we agreed (as of right now) that he would get the house in the divorce settlement and therefore will be able to claim them on next years taxes. Little does he realize that he won’t be able to claim the property tax next year. Surprise again asshole!
LadyStrange, my ex tried to get me to pay half our house payment after I moved out, even though I was paying rent. Luckily my lawyer put a stop to that!
I DID pay half the house payment after I moved out for about 6 months (on top of rent!) I was scared he wouldn’t pay it at all and my awesome credit would go to hell. I ended up moving back into the home for a year….a year of HELL. I am out again and I am paying for only the portion of the mortgage I am living in. (Long story). I notified my banker that I would only be paying a portion of the mortgage and the rest was his problem. Not that it will NOT affect my credit if dumbass doesn’t pay his portion, but at least I am letting others know what is going on. And I can show the courts that I am not trying to pull shit – like shitheads I know….
What is it with these freaks? My STBX POS wanted me to help with the mortgage and the property assessments even though I had moved out and was paying rent. I refused. Now his attorney has filed a dissipation of assets claim based on me paying rent and supporting myself (while still doling out money to my newly adult children to assist them when necessary) with “my” money. Of course, he’s trying to equalize the monetary damage because as of right now I have a dissipation of assets claim against him (and he moved to live with the OWhore – Chaching!) and have had one from early on, in addition to him owing me half of the money he has already collected from his pension (since he “retired” early to move to be with the OWhore, thus creating an even larger dissipation claim) and so on. I’m just hoping that all of this works in my monetary favor the way it should. The courts can be so fickle.
I hope so too Princess. How did we end up with these losers????
LadyStrange, my ex got the house. I paid everything for a year while he was living out at the curb. I moved out, and he took possession, a couple of weeks before the property taxes were due. No, I did not pay that. Just left the bill on the counter. “Why didn’t you pay that?” “Because I’m not living there.” I also gave the gardener and bi-weekly housekeeper (both of whom I was required to keep on and pay until a settlement was reached, even when I had no money for food) each a generous raise. When he called in a lather about them telling him they earned more now, I simply confirmed the new rates we’d agreed upon.
Truth be told, I’ve always missed my twice a month housekeeper more than I’ve missed Professor Dingusbrain McCheaterpants.
Be careful what you do for filing taxes and remember the FEDS consider any children under 24 and not married to be dependent upon a parent. Depending on what your custody arrangement says, one parent generally is determined to be primary for FAFSA purposes if the child is applying for federal financial aid. If you are married on the last day of the tax year, even if you are separated, the feds generally want you to file married filing separately or jointly. There are some exceptions to this general rule, but you have to have a tax professional document that you fit these exceptions. You could spend a lot of time correcting this little problem. In addition, unless the students are earning more than the standard exemption rate, counting themselves as an exemption may not help them. Just a word to the wise — federal and state tax laws don’t always coincide when it comes to rules, and financial aid is a whole other world of freaky rules. Be careful and keep all your docs in a safe place.
Yes. My 21-year-old made about $16,000 last year, but we still claimed him. He lost out on about $2500 because we claimed him as a dependant. He is also a student. My son was very upset that he didn’t get back hardly anything – and my tax accountant told him he can blame that on his dad. (smiles! My accountant rocks!). So I told my son he could claim himself next year…. I felt bad, but with stbx cashing in that Roth…..it really hosed everyone. Good job asshole!
Lady Strange, if it wasn’t for the number of kids and their ages, I’d swear you were married to my first husband! Claimed zero deductions, cuz, ya know, he needed the money! Tried to get me to pay half the mortgage after I moved out. I did pay half the property taxes until I bought him out. However, I made the check out to the county assessor, not to him nor gave him cash which he had the cajones to ask for. Yeah, we all know what would’ve happened with that.
Ya – mine said “I don’t like paying MY money to the government.” Really? Can you tell me WHO does? And it is either a little comes out every two weeks or pay in a crapload come April. Do’i. Some people are so dumb…
Sorry to hear that, TBJ. Cheaters DO feel entitled.
During my divorce, tax season came along. Although I was always the one better with money, the previous year my wife and I had purposefully calculated a high state withholding on my paycheck, and a high federal withholding on her paycheck.
And yet somehow, if we filed separately, I came out with a return of several $K, while she was in the red for about the same amount. I VERY much wanted to keep “my” money. But given we were technically still married, I just played nice. We filed jointly instead, and received a very small return.
I wasn’t happy to lose out on that money…literally to my cheating wife. But, I’m proud that I stuck to my principles. After all, my wife and I had made an *agreement* the previous year regarding our finances, so I honored that agreement. That’s what I do — honor my agreements…even if my cheating wife clearly wasn’t honoring hers.
I hear you JC, the year of my divorce my CPA told me “whoever files first is pretty much clear, the IRS won’t care about the details unless it’s in your agreement”. But I’m a chump so I had him file everything such that taxes were shared equally on everything up until the actual date of divorce even tho my ex didn’t pay one dime to bills, his name was on the deed.
During the year our divorce was in progress, but we had been living separately the entire year, ex asked me to refile my taxes and go joint with him so that I could pay half of the $9K he owed the IRS for clearing out his 401k. He wrote that “it would be in all of our best interests” for me to go in half on his debt and that he “didn’t see how he could pay child support” if I didn’t do this. Oh, and he wanted to declare ME as a dependent on his taxes, something the IRS never allows. Needless to say, my answer to all of the above was “No.”
They are so full of BS, aren’t they (and yours was obviously working with a different definition of “our best interests” than usual).
Mine had a different definition of “fair.” He tried to get me to accept his “fair” (i.e., substandard) settlement offer by Dec. 31st because otherwise a friend had told him we would have to file jointly for 2015. Nooooo….I told him his friend was an idiot in so many words, and that my “accountant” would review his settlement offer. He ended up having to pay me 4x as much cash as his “fair” settlement suggested.
My genius X filed married and joint for the taxes the year we were divorcing even though I didn’t give him permission to use my social #, wonder how that will play out ? And this year he claimed all the kids and kept the whole refund for the past two years, even though I have primary custody, talk about entitled!!
I think the IRS will be very interested in that. In fact, if you filed by yourself and claimed those kids as dependents, I would call the IRS *right now* and tell them because they will pick up on the fact that the same social security numbers were claimed by two people, and they will get someone to pay. Better that it is him (esp. if you have the decree showing that you have custody).
No kidding Tempest !! He e-filed them earlier this year, I paper filed a month ago and made sure to give them a copy of our decree with me return. I just got a letter in the mail with a small refund. I think he may have gotten a letter too 🙂
Freeatlast–excellent! Someone is going to get a not-so-nice letter from the IRS (and it isn’t you). I wish they still had debtor’s prison; perfect consequence for cheaters who would seek to defraud the government.
my cheater doesn’t discriminate, he cheats everyone
My cheater got the greatest kibble supply after he had me drive to Nice airport last week, to pick up a 40 year-old woman from Eastern Europe. She came out with 4.7 inches stilettos and bright orange hair and looked around until she spotted my STBX and waved at him. I almost fainted with shock. To reassure me about her intentions, she showed a picture of her 75 year old italian boyfriend lifting weights.
On the days that followed, I put the story together bits by bits. She was attracted by pictures he put on line (VK) during our weekends together. She had purchased her flight around November, unaware that he was not single. He had organized her 15-day trip, and she had paid the hotels through an agency. She had talked to him through Skype during the past month. A week before arrival, she had been informed he was not single, and had bought a chocolate box for me. Around the same time, I had been invited by STBX to join this wonderful vacation plan !!!
It never occured to him that I would hate to spend time with a predator who speaks only Russian.
Last night he came back late from day#6 and showed me a photo of a monument, to sound serious, but oops my finger brushed the screen while grabbing the phone, and a large selfie of him and the woman with bright orange hair appeared. “You don’t take pictures of me !”
I broke up with him last night.
He said he could only lose, that I did not give him a chance.
He cheated with another Russian woman last year. What an anniversary.
“I did nothing wrong !” he said.
… On the hard rocky road to Meh… STBX is now EX- and I have not quite realized yet after 15 years together.
Wow. I glad you dumped him, but knowing Russian woman was an OW, why on earth did you pick her up at the airport? Pick me dance at luggage carousel 6?
(((Hugs))) He sucks. I’m sure the Russian girlfriends will bleed him dry.
Mindfuck. Shock effect. The event was presented as a an opportunity to see my sister who lives in Cannes and just bought a new home (I had to drop a bag of things for the vacation house at my sister’s and was worried when I would be able to). No mention of him planning the woman’s trip. It was just coincidental. He was so happy to speak russian with someone. His work had no significant project, he had to take a vacation now. Etc. Of course now that the truth is out, the whole thing sounds ridiculous. And in a way, it was good that it happened, because it was disgusting enough for me to find the strength to break up.
I agree with you, he sucks, and it’s a dangerous situation for him. She showed pictures of her two sexy teenage daughters who look nothing like her. She is very cheerful and nice, but her micro-expressions are hateful.
How about the one from my ex: After finding out about his affairs (more than one) the only thing i wanted was a divorce, but in full disclosure I did go to a MC during which time I found this amazing group and it turned my life around. Anyway, the Ex’s suggestion was that instead of divorcing, we should get twin beds for the master bedroom. AND we can live together, raise the children together but live separate lives until our youngest (then 9) turned 18, then we could divorce! I know it is shocking, but I turned the offer down! When he suggested it, I just looked at him with a “you can’t really be serious” look because i had never heard anything so outrageous in my life. And that is why he is now my EX!
Wow, Khris, I got a similar offer, though ex didn’t go so far to as visualize the twin bed situation (which, by the way, is INSANE). I was told that we didn’t have to divorce; we could remain in a “best friends”-type situation. Um. No.
Mine wanted ours to become an “open” marriage. I was like nope, I will not be in a marriage like that.
Recently ex tried to arrange that I bring our sons to a cookout at family friends’ house that she and her AP were also invited to. I politely declined the invite from the friend. When friends responded that they hoped we would both feel comfortable spending time there anytime, I responded that I would not socialize with my ex and the man she cheated on me with. Ex then raged at me via text. I think she wanted everyone at the cookout to see that I was OK with her and AP and all was forgiven. Fuck that! What man in his right mind would go to this cookout?
Good for you! Ya – fuck that!
Your ex sounds like a real piece of work….And not unlike mine.
Apparently, I need to be “positive about her AP to my kids, just as she is about my new partner”. It doesn’t smack her in the face that there is a world of difference between her relationship and mine.
I know, right? I didn’t even meet my girlfriend until months after my ex moved out and we were officially separated. Why? Because despite knowing about her ongoing affair for over a year between the time I filed for divorce and she finally moved out, I thought it was wrong (for me) to date. Somehow in both our ex’s minds, now that we have someone in our lives, we should all just be friends, huh?
Omg. They are are bunch of whack jobs. The being invited to things you know your Ex will be at is shit. A few weeks ago I attended an engagement party that I knew XH would be at. He arrived with the GF not the AP ( XH’s ap’s were male) and makes a beeline for the small group of people I was standing with. Kisses and hugs all round except for me. I just got the curt ” hello ……..”
Me, “hello dipshit (to him) hello brainless (to her) Proper names used. They then walked off hand in hand. I am sure he has the notion of either 1) if I react it is proof to the would I am a mean bitch, or 2) if I don’t react he is in the clear I have no problem. I just don’t react now, it took a while to get here but I am glad for it.
I later found only he had been invited to the engagement and he requested of the happy couple to be able the bring the GF and her kids. It is sad really.
My ex was the kind of person who didn’t mind going into debt. He had a business credit card for one of his side gigs with about $16K on it. After we separated and I started looking for a house, I was surprised that my credit rating was much higher than his. Throughout our marriage I had a card in my name only and I paid it off every month.
A few months after we separated he emailed that he’d like to transfer his $16K debt to a new credit card in my name because I had a lower interest rate. He was so kind as to say that he’d have it put in the settlement that he was responsible for paying it. He didn’t seem to understand that banks don’t care who agrees to pay a debt, they just care who’s name it’s in. No way was I going to agree to have his $16K debt added to my credit profile.
What part of “I don’t trust you anymore” did he not understand?
I will never understand how cheaters expect you to do them “favours” after they have cheated and betrayed you?
They live on Planet Narc. Only a disordered person would even attempt to ask for this.
He found out from a mutual friend (who I no longer speak to, obviously) that I had a miscarriage with my my wonderful husband, who I married 2 years after I divorced the asshole. Ex sends me the following text message: “I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Since you’re not expecting a child with him anymore, maybe we can work things out?”
Seriously. Forget blocking his number… I nearly set my phone on fire.
Good Lord! Is he missing his sensitivity chip? What an idiot!
This has got to win the prize. OMG. Just OMG. Congratulations for getting away from this freak, and finding your wonderful husband. I’m very sorry for your loss, and I hope you are getting support fromother normal human beings.
OMG – what a dumbass!
Wow. Just. Wow.
This one takes the biscuit. I think we have a winner. OMG!
OMG. This one wins. What a turdburgler.
Btw, CN truly is sorry for you and your hubby’s loss.
Thank you for your kind words. 🙂
Yup, winner winner, chicken dinner!
Sorry for your loss, too, Lulu (and that you had to deal with X on top of it).
I am so, so sorry for your loss and for having to deal with a demented shepherd for satan’s flock. WTF!
That’s some kind of fucked up!
My mouth fell open.
Lulu my condolences to you and your husband.
As for your Ex WTF??? Dick.
OMG, the fuck is wrong with these people?!?!?! Seriously…my God…that is just, WOW!!!
Firstly, sorry for your loss.
Secondly: What in the actual bloody fuck. We have a winner for disordered here! And of course, we know that pricks like this pull this kinda crap – and no use trying to untangle that fuckedupness.
Thirdly: I’d want to fucking cleave the whore in half who told him. Like its any of his/her business to be saying that to him, of all people.
^^^^ Lulu, I’m so sorry you and your husband had to go through this. Can’t add much to what Lania already said. Hugs to you.
When XH told me last fall that he was remarrying, I smiled and said, “Congratulations!”
His jaw hit the floor. I think he thought I’d put up a fuss. We’d been pretty much no contact for months; but after I “let him go” with no issue, he started to call and text 4-5x a week. Until his new wife saw his phone records, that is. Now he’ll call once a month or so, to see how the kids are doing.
I have full custody by default these days – he has no interest in parenting and the kids refuse to spend time with him – but every now and again if I don’t do something he likes, he’ll threaten to take me to court for full custody. Yeah, good luck with that. He’s like an annoying fly that buzzes in every now and again to stir up trouble, and we’ve all pretty much lost interest. Kibble supply: EMPTY.
Kudos to your smart kids, Red, for refusing to see him.
Because my ex is a numbers guy, I am going to do this in numbers. We were together for 30 years, married 23 of those, had 2 daughters together, his affair lasted 5 years, I had 5 ddays in those 5 years, he left me 2 times, once at his insistence and once mine, he spent $1100 on a watch for OW and who knows how much more money funded his affair. After the 5 years and last dday, I asked him to leave. Like the previous ddays, ex pleads for forgiveness and declares his undying love for me and our daughters. I flatly refuse reconciliation and insist on divorce. I ask him to leave for good.
He packs up his things and moves out leaving 1 sweatshirt with a ripped pocket on our bed. He wants me to SEW IT FOR HIM!!!! THAT is his parting request!!! Yeah………like I am going to sew for that fucktard!
LOL. I still laugh over this one!
I can think of some other things you could sew shut for him…
Me too, and sometimes I get evil so sewing up something and spiking his drink with Viagra, oh no, that would be mean
You got off lightly….mine left a torn piece of shitty toilet paper in our bed on his final night here. It was nerves and stress upsetting his system that gave him diahorrea and many visits to the loo. He was so upset…..it was a final little gesture of how hard it was for him!
I told my narcissistic sbtx…I want a divorce, you are such a liar…a cheater..an abuser! He got on his belly…face down on the floor…and started praying..to God…I got up and walked out…instead of manhandling me like he usually does…he got face down outside in the dirt…and started praying louder…”I renounce satan and all his evil”…on and on and on…far be it from me…but wow…what a nut job…pretty sure God doesn’t condone adultery…and attempted murder…
That’s quite hilarious Lisa. Really got a chuckle from that. A lot of this bullshit is just comical and great fodder for a CN topic. When I asked ex to stop seeing AP (who he claims they were just sharing fun sporting activities) he literally shed tears and said, “I’m just a kid who wants to ride his bike with someone.”
ChumpB, what he really meant was “I’m just immature and like to ride someone.”
Tempest, it’s true!
After nursing him through 3 back surgeries, where he also didn’t follow doctors orders, he texted me to say he got a second opinion and the new doc said his back isn’t healing and it’s too bad to operate on. A few days later in response to a business question, he said he was in the hospital. An hour and half later, he was out of the hospital…
Trying to get pity kibble. He’s such a victim.
Never mind seeing prostitutes the entire time, lie upon lie, or giving me herpes- I should really feel sorry for him. Unfortunately for him, I backed up his entire computer before confrontation.
Other classic- it was only 4 or 5 prostitutes in the last 4 months (said in counseling), and not a big deal. It was just because I wasn’t supplying him with enough sexual affection…
For other people’s kibbles, he tells them that I have gone crazy because of my family issues and kicked him out of his own house!!!
I actually got him out by asking who he wanted me to email first (documentation is powerful).
I have a couple relative to my first XW.
First one was after I remarried. I bought a house and, for some stupid reason, agreed to having my XW come over to see it, so she would know that our boys had a nice place to live.
She came over and toured the place, then went outside and lay prone on our front lawn , claiming she was having an anxiety attack for some reason. her girlfriend ( one who knew all about her cheating and never told me) had to drive over and pick her up. What a fucking drama queen.
Second one occurred shortly after I divorced my second wife( again, due to cheating). First XW was in the process of moving ( divorced by her second husband, a nice guy, who had had enough of her abuse and probable cheating). First XW asks if I can use my Van to pick up some new furniture she had purchased and bring it to her new house.
Stupidly, I agreed and delivered the furniture. After doing so, she follows me to my van and asks me to hug her. I almost vomited and refused. She was teary eyed and I drove off.
Third one( guess there were more than I thought). I drop the boys off around Christmas and she has a present for me “from the boys”. I accept it and, with tears in her eyes, she asks me to hold out my hands. I do and she grasps them and tried to look deep into my eyes and says ” I love you, Arnold.” I blanch and pull my hands back and walk away saying nothing.
I will say this for my second XW: at least she knows better than to try any of this type of crap, as she is aware that I know she is a disordered asshole. So, very little of this type of stuff occurs, although she tries to joke with me and engage in small talk a lot.
First XW ( the one who woke me up one night to boast about the body of the guy she had been with) is more delusional, or , perhaps, a better way to say it would be that she is much more convinced that she is superior and has people fooled. She portrays herself as this highly spiritual, evolved , new age guru.
Right now, there are a couple issues with children from each marriage and I have to interact a lot with both these assholes. You would think we were best friends and that none of their abuse had taken place the way they call me and talk to me all the time. I never talk about anything but the kids and am civil. But, these wing nuts must be so good at compartmentalizing, that they show no signs of being aware that they cheated and lied like crazy.
I never try to bring shit up or provoke them. Why bother. I just feel so fortunate to have them out of my life as much as possible.
Well-done, Arnold. You deserve a medal for being able to handle both nutjobs calmly.
Too bad you didn’t have a sprinkler system installed in the lawn . . .
Arnold, those are some intense examples of cluster B folks. I’m chuckling seeing the sprinkler’s go off. You are an incredible survivor.
When I confronted him (before limiting conversations to business) about herpes meds I found prescribed prior to our relationship- his outrage was “Why are you going through My bathroom drawers?!
Yep. He knew he had herpes all along and just didn’t bother to tell me.
My ex and I are selling the house. She was on 9 day camping trip with AP now bf. While away my son and I prepped the house , listed it and it sold in one day. The realtor kept her updated on vacation. When she got back my my son , ex and I went out to lunch as we were all together to finish house. On the way to lunch I said oh look we are going out just like a little family. Joking of course. She seriously says we are still a family. My son and I just looked at her. Then at lunch she told us that I ruined her vacation with om and she cried everyday because I sold the house. Crazy stuff.
She always says she wants to be friends. I have humored her a bit because it makes it easier to deal with finalizing the details, but once the house closes NC/LC kicks in. Looking forward to it.
Him: I don’t understand why we can’t be friends.
Me: Well…. You cheated on me repeatedly. In fact, you have a 6 month old alive right now, yet I only filed for divorce 13 months ago. You gave me HPV, which resulted in cervical cancer. When I found the texts on your phone, you chased me, tackled me, and banged my head on the concrete floor repeatedly. I’ve had 3 seizures since you did that to me. I filed for divorce with an overdrawn bank account, house in foreclosure, car going into repossession, and no job, and you refuse to pay a penny in any kind of child support, even with court orders. You refuse to pay half of any bills or expenses. You refuse to give me half of the 401k that you were ordered by the judge to hand over. You’ve fought me for a year for 50/50 custody of our toddlers, just so you won’t have to pay child support, and you admitted as much in text messages. Shall I continue?…
Him: You really need to let all of that go. We need to be able to communicate for the children. Our girls deserve better than you holding your grudges.
Me: [thumbs up emoticon]
Grudge away! Wow.
I think you should do a cartoon, Tracy. A betrayed holing a box of “Grudge Away” with some slogan like ” Be gay. Use Grudge Away”. or something.
More like throwing them up in the air around me and letting them sprinkle down like confetti. It’s not that I am holding a grudge against him. He specifically asked why we can’t be friends. Those are the reasons. He sucks.
The comedienne Liza Schlessinger used the fried shrimp emoticon (apple) to respond to a text that had no logical response. Maybe you could try that one. Keeps them guessing
I wish I had thought of that. Back when I still did more texting with my ex, I finally resorted to responding, “LOL” to anything that was crazy or vicious. It did freak him out when I would text that after he insulted me or hurled some abuse. LOL! 🙂
That is awful. I wish a quick road to meh and success to you!
A year after we split and he is living with another woman he shows up at my door unannounced and proceeds to tell me how successful he is now and he wants to help me be successful too. “What kind of man would he be if he didn’t take care of his peeps”.
i said, ‘Peeps????”
He said, “Well, yeah, the people i care about.”
I said, “I am not one of your “peeps” and you are not successful. You successfully hooked a widow with money, that does not make YOU successful. I doubt she would be too happy about you using her money to make me successful. Besides I am doing fine on my own thanks anyway” and I told him I didn’t want to be his friend and he left.
he called a few days later and i said again I couldn’t be his friend.
He said, “If we can’t be friends then we have no future.”
that’s when he started on his crusade to destroy my reputation and business. How dare I refuse to be one of his peeps!
Who wants to be a peep of a creep?
“Me not your people. Me bring tribe. Burn village.”
Really good one CL!!!!
While in “wreckonciliation” for nearly a year, I discovered a new Schmoopie, who had been in the picture for well over a year. Hubby was living in our guest house, pretending to be courting me again while going and coming from Schmopie’s house at will, and I was none the wiser. DDay was mid January 2014. I didn’t do the pick me dance, I told him we were done and I was gong to file for Divorce. 38 years down in flames. A month later a Valentines Day card was left in the mailbox. The card he chose read: “A healthy stable relationship is such a joy… But I like ours better.” Then he wrote: I am truly sorry that I have created so much hurt for you. I have a deep love for you that will always be there. But I do feel that we would be so much better as friends – the best friends that we have been for a long time. I honestly think that in the long run we will both be happier. I will always be your supporter.” My therapist said that he was trying to move me like a chess piece into the friend position to keep me in the picture. He will always be my supporter though… Though stalling the divorce process, he is paying the mortgage and and other expenses he was paying all along. He is even paying my attorney (on top of the divorce lawyer) to defend me separately from him in a business lawsuit. I’m implicated in his shenanagans because he made me the chief financial officer of his corporation without telling me. I just got drug into court to defend myself against Criminal Contempt of Court charges, because he ignored a stipulation. He still thinks rules don’t apply to him, but quickly learned otherwise. The Narc/sociopath couldnt even look at me in court. Yep – friends! He’s delusional! I’ve discovered like many of us here that he was a serial cheater pretty much our whole marriage. I forgave him a one night stand early on in our marriage and thought we had put that shit away for good. Nope, they just get sneakier. I regret that I didnt leave him 3 years into the marriage rather than 35. At least I have 2 amazing and accomplished sons. I am finally at Meh and am enjoying an amazing new fella that treats me better in every way that my stbxh. Life is good and I am feeling joy again. Just need to get rid of the wasband and all of his dirty business.
Wow, that sounds so much like my STBX! He wants us to be best friends, he wants to help me go back to school (on top of helping OW go back to school), help me with my house and car (on top of helping her with a house and car). He hates spending money, but he is spending it hand over fist to appease his guilt with me and show everyone he was a great husband, and keep his OW happy! He has had multiple affairs, that he said were for true love, and I always forgave him, so me not wanting to be his friend anymore is very confusing for him. Like you I regret wasting 20 years of my life on someone who never really loved me (how can you love someone if it is so easy to lie and cheat on them) but I got four wonderful children out of the union and I will never regret that!
This was only an ex boyfriend (ID’d as narc, and dumped in good time). I had been rather enjoying the show of kibble-consumption, just fascinated by what a classic he was. I finally went no contact, no explanation needed, he was already cheating and I didn’t need a confrontation.
Fast forward nine months, and a text from him out of the blue saying “did you ever get your motorcycle license”. Now I am the world’s least likely motorcycle rider…never went on one in my life and certainly did not with him. Then came another text “i thought you might like to have my Dad’s old bike”. WTF? After a pause the final text “shall I take you off my phone list?”
I laughed and showed it to then-current BF. He suggested texting back “who is this?”
“Maybe after we divorce we can date?”
My reply? “Let’s get through the divorce first and then I’ll let you know if I’ve lost my mind.”
“It’s always been you, no one else ever!”
My reply? Of course, “except when you’re screwing high school kids.”
“You’ll never get over it, just please don’t hate me.”
My reply? “I’ll get over what i want, when i want, and hate who I want when I want. How’s it feel to witness selfish?”
Scott – I got something like that too. “A lot of people get back together after they divorce.” He made it sound like it was some kind of magical ‘fix’ to our marriage. Divorce doesn’t magically ‘fix’ the fact that you cheated on my dickwad. I’ll just take half of the pension please and be done with you asshole…..
wow, great responses, Scott. My Ex said, “if it doesn’t work out with her, Muse, I can totally see us getting back together again.” I responded, “if you are leaving me for another woman you are NEVER getting back together again with me. Ever.” He then said, “yeah, well, if you ever get in another relationship, – ” and I cut him off, saying, “Stop right there – I won’t be taking any relationship advice from YOU!”
I’ve mentioned this here before but it certainly warrants repeating for this topic….
STBX gave me the sad sausage eyes and said he didn’t have anyone to list as his emergency contact so he left me in that role. If I ever get called, my response will be that I am no longer his wife and apparently he didn’t update his info – sorry, can’t help.
or, just tell them to remove life support, based on his wishes.
Love that Tempest
My ex said to me at some point that he had to name AP#1 as the beneficiary on one of his life insurance policies because our children did not speak to him and so that if he died, someone would take care of the arrangements. I responded, “why did you change it, you should have left it to me, I would have enjoyed burying you.”
ha ha ha Kelly that was priceless.
High five to Kelly
No kibbles? He was just gone. Maybe my kibbles are stale. Maybe he wanted chow with a real dog. I have no idea.
No pick me dance or kibbles is a strange mix of complete rejection and total relief if you can feel those things simultaneously.
My second XW has not sought Kibbles, either. I think the more perceptive ones realize that it is a done deal and to get the hell out of our lives. I sort of respect this, at least a lot more than the attitude that we can be friends.
I think the ones who feel you will still want some type of relationship with them are the worst of the NPDs. They feel so superior that they think that even having done all this abusive stuff, they are great that anyone would still want to bask in their presence.
Dr. – Maybe he’s dead.
We were divorced on 01/31/14. What would’ve been our 27th wedding anniversary was almost a month later on 02/28/14. That week he called me to go out ‘to celebrate’ our newly defunct anniversary????!!!
He also expected that i would keep editing all his emails; talk to him a few times a week and feed the dogs whenever he was unavailable or went on vacations with twu wuv schmoopie. At one point he even suggested that “if we weren’t seeing anybody seriously” we could still travel to football games together since that was something we always enjoyed. Keep in mind that he started dating before I even moved out and before the ink was dry on our divorce papers had the OW from three years prior living in our house-like that wasn’t going on the whole time we were in wreck-con-ciliation….right!
I went full on no-contact with him after the anniversary dinner invite. He had a slight narc rage when I went no contact and launched a full on text war which I engaged in for half a day but I called it completely quits after that. I blocked him from all venues except for email. We haven’t spoken in well over a year now; no texts at all since he had his narc rage moment and maybe 2 emails in that time -both concerning the kids.
Fortunately they’re adults and they handle all business with him independent of me once I made it clear that’s how that would be working. At first I was reluctant about blocking him from all venues in case there was some sort of emergency with the kids but I figure since they are both adults, if there is an emergency the proper authorities can find me. I live much closer to both of them anyway.
Also-(and I think this is important too) I NEVER ask the kids about their dad. If they bring him up, they get complete radio silence and no reaction out of me. Since I show absolutely no interest, they tell me absolutely nothing. Kind of an unwritten rule I suppose but his name stopped coming up in conversation. I don’t want to put them in an awkward position and I don’t want them running back and telling him I give a shit about anything he does.
No more kibbles from this former chump!
you radiate awesomeness! My kids are too young for totally getting him out of my life, but give me 7 years…
Just putting in a word for those of us whose spouses had “exit affairs.” In my case–maybe some of you are in the same boat–he just walked out.
There really was no play for kibbles for very long. Either he was completely devoted to OW, or she had his balls in a vice. Either way–it just ended.
I thank GOD for that. He really could have dragged my heart through the dirt for a very long time.
It was like ripping off a Band-Aid. He dropped a bomb, moved out a month later, and then it was over when I quit begging/dancing/raging.
Miss Sunshine-I think it is better. Mine had the classic exit affair, but when I put the ball in his court to decide our marital fate the coward in him emerged big time. Three years of tortured pick me dancing ensued.
When I finally asked for a divorce three years later he readily agreed and the OW was living with him before the divorce was final. Total waste of time, total waste of three years of my forties and lots and lots of useless dancing for an unworthy partner.
I wish he had the balls to just leave when he had the opportunity!! Much easier to pull the band aid off quickly.
cheaterssuck – I agree I wish mine had left two years ago when he first said he was going to. I don’t necessarily regret marrying him (I do have my kids!) but I regret wholeheartedly spending an addition two years on him.
“So, wanna go get a beer?” my soon-to-be-ex-wife said as we left the courthouse.
Is there a comeback for that?
I think I would just stare at her gobsmacked.
“Sure, I intend to go grab a beer. But with better company”?
How about ” Go fuck yourself”?
Just a simple, “No. See you around.” And then I turned and walked away.
My wife complained about it later, writing an e-mail to “check in” (aka, get kibbles), saying that she was sad about the way we last parted and specifically quoting me.
But, in my opinion, “see you around” was much better than the thousand of withering responses I could have used.
My ex’s whore and him too, just absolutely could not resist the How are you?!! communications, like it they didn’t “check” in each other some calamity would befall them both. Dumb shits.
All these kibble seeking actions/invitations are the best evidence that these folks , simply, have no clue as to the extent of their cruelty and abuse.
Would you invite someone you had physically assaulted to have a beer with you or be your friend etc.? I do not think any of them will ever come to know what they have done.
What, do they expect you to sit down with them and stroll down memory lane? How, exactly would that go?
“Hey, Arnold, remember that time on Henry’s ( our son) birthday when I told you guys I had to miss his party to work late? Well, you should have seen the size of the schlong that I was working on. Yeah, those were the good ol’ days, eh?. Let’s crack open another cold one. Bartender….”
Yep. They live in a completely different reality from the rest of us, one that exists only in the recesses of their own heads. That’s really disgusting that she would miss her own child’s birthday to go fuck some guy, there is really no bottom to how low these disordered types will go.
She also missed Christmas at her sister’s house one year, suddenly claiming that she was inspired to go to a local food shelf and feed the homeless. Right out of the blue she came up with this one. She had no history of ever doing anything charitable.
She got home after Midnight the next day.
My ex and I owned a small vacation home at the New Jersey Shore, that I loved more than any place else on earth. It was purchased with my hard-earned money. I lovingly decorated it. We used to jokingly refer to it as “Kelly’s f#@*ing beach house”. During the divorce proceedings, ex made it clear that he was going to marry one of his AP’s, and he asked whether he could remortgage the beach house into his name.
He said that this way, the children and I could use the beach house whenever we wanted. I asked him how in the world this was supposed to work, and he said that he would keep the beach house “family neutral,” so that the children and I would use it sometimes, and the AP and ex would use it others.
I told him no and insisted we sell it for a loss. Freaks.
Well, you’ve already shared everything with the APs! — why not the beach house?
I found her hair under my pillow at the family beach house….
That’s fucked up, Jedi hugs if you need em.
I don’t know if it was s kibble play or not, but the thing that disturbed me most that ex did (other than whoring around) was sell his wedding ring.
The situation was that I had caught him in contact with the whore yet again. We fought, and I kicked him out a couple of days, and we got back together. I didn’t really want to but did anyway. It didn’t sit well with me, at all. I changed his contact info in my phone to Liar. He saw it one day and started some shit with me. That didn’t sit well either and threw him out again. He kept hanging around “to spend time with our daughter.”. Like every night till I told him he wasn’t welcome anymore. During one of his visits, I noticed he wasn’t wearing the ring and asked about it. He said he sold it to the gold place and it was melted down. He ” needed money. “. It’s so expensive living on your mother’s couch. No, he did it with the specific intent to hurt me. No other reason. Whore can have him.
Aren’t you just supposed to take it to Mount Doom?
Sounds like a good place to me, Chump Lady. I was with him for a while after that, but eventually took my ring to the pawn shop cause I was having these over whelming urges to toss it out the car window or flush it down the toilet, lol. I just couldn’t stand to have it around me.
Shortly after Dday, I sold my wedding ring to one of those places for cash. I needed the money for my new apartment. When ex found out during bogus reconciliation, he was all butt hurt that I had sold the ring. He said he had kept his as a “memento” of our marriage.
Current spouse and I sold our old rings and our ex’s rings as well. Used the cash to help pay for our wedding. On the beach. In the Caribbean. With live steel pan music. We were pleased that our assholian exes both chose the remove and toss method of ring/marriage disposal, which allowed us a few nifty extras.
A fake stroke and hospitalization after I told him the reconciliation wasn’t working. He spent his nights in the hospital surfing porn on his phone, spent the times I visited staring at and trying to charm any woman under 30 that got in line of sight. His attending physician recommended a psychiatric consult, which of course he didn’t follow up on. He was indeed a weak, frail man when he came home; he could hardly walk and had major balance problems. Our neighbors felt sorry for him – until they saw him frolicking outside with the dog while I was at work. The female neighbor came over after I got home that night to check on him. Sadly, his miraculous recovery had dissapated about the time I finished my shift, and he lurched around using a cane the rest of the evening.
Loki was an idiot who would harass the chickens if they didn’t lay enough eggs. He had no gratitude and no appreciation. So, to keep me in the picture post divorce he kept filing petty motions in court… About 12 in 2 years.
I had that one, too. Asshat finally quit when I mentioned on Facebook that the lastest nastygram from his lawyer contained threats against our oldest daughter.
Legal threats, that is.
So, after leaving the continent for primary OW that he’d been screwing the entire 10+ years of our marriage, I find out via a former mutual friend that exH has moved back to the states. ExH calls the next day with a chirpy, happy voice, asking when I’d like to go to coffee so we can “catch up” (keep in mind I have a protection order, haven’t seen or talked to him in over 4 years, was left jobless and penniless with 2 pre-schoolers, and found out our whole life had been a lie, including the fact he’d never told his parents we had a son, and denied our daughter was his…but yes, let’s catch up). My respone, after being no contact for so long and out of practice at the ass-kissing game….”seriously?”
Dead silence. and he says, “yes, I’d like to take you to coffee.” So I laugh. And he doesn’t know what to do with this RDM, who’d formerly kissed his ass and begged to be blessed with every scrap of his oh-so-superior, valuable, “don’t you realize how many women would LOVE to be you” time. And he tried one more time, “don’t you want to go to coffee with me?” And I sigh and say, “Do you even KNOW what a protection order is for?” Yeah.
The other fun one was in court last year, only have seen him twice in 7 years; both for court apprearances to extend our CPO. And I’d just gotten done testifying how our 4 year old daughter had seen him smash my head into the car window while I was driving, and how he’d choked my enough to leave bruises around my neck, and he says, with his most charming smile, as cross-exam (cuz’ he doesn’t need a lawyer, being so very smart and all..), “Well, I don’t remember doing ANY of that, but RDM, don’t you remember what I told you the night I left?” And I know where he’s going, so I’m all bitchy, and say, “You said lots of things”. He says, “I know you remember – how I told you that I was going to spend every day of the rest of my life trying to earn the right to deserve being your husband…” (yes, I remember; chumpy me wanted so badly to believe that shit; and trying to flirt with your ex-wife during a CPO hearing is always good strategy). So I say with a little laugh for effect, “Well, I’d almost forgotten, and then I figured you were just lying since you’d lied about everything else.” He didn’t quite know what to say about that. And he didn’t ask anything else….guess even a dump pup can figure out when the kibbles are all gone.
Jedi hugs RDM, these assholes know what they have done but will pretend until their dying day they didn’t do the shit.
I am immediately defeated by these sharing requests 2 years out from it all. Why? I have filed it all away under “Somebody Else’s Problem” and am unable to bring myself to give enough of a crap to even attempt to dredge it up.
A cursory scan of readily available, accessible memories comes up with only labels like “Down the rabbit hole crazy. DO NOT OPEN!”.
Time Heals—–I think I understand what you are saying/feeling.
Yesterday, until late in the day, I had forgotten it was the 4 yr ‘anniversary’ of my refusing to allow the XBF to re-enter my home. He had no money, no friends or family who cared to take him in and that day, he ended up in a homeless shelter.
Earlier today I planned to regale CN with some of his subsequent ‘epic fail’ attempts to gather kibbles (several of which I have shared previously). It’s so strange, as I write this, nothing comes to mind. It is a though my taking the time to contemplate some of the reasons why he’s out of my life last evening has washed away my memory or/or desire to tell the kibble seeking stories.
Maybe is it because I am absolutely exhausted from 5+ years’ inability to sleep more than 3-4 hours per night. I’ve been diagnosed with major PTSD due to the number both my EH and the SBF did on me.
Maybe it’s a miracle and I’ve finally reached “Meh”.
Maybe I’ll be back at poking fun at the disordered whack job tomorrow.
I’m hoping I’m at “Meh”. I enjoy and deeply appreciate all of CN’s humor, pathos and compassion but I have been thinking coming here everyday keeps me in suspended animation, mired in dredging up horrible bad (or the fantastic good) memories and that only serves to keep the needle in the abscess.
We’ll see what happens…..
hesatthecurb–Hugs. Some days, some years, just suck it out of us. You are strong and beautiful….just a hug!
Hesathecurb I have the same thought sometimes, especially when I’m triggered, like the PO renewal hearing last month that is reverberating. OTH so many ppl here have become my tribe and so I continue. Have you tried EMDR? It helped me a lot, PTSD is not gone but it is much better. Jedi hugs!
Our divorce will be final in two weeks. He hasn’t made any attempt to move out or find another place to live. OW lives 3 1/2 hours away now (and as she is a pastor it would be “awkward” for him to move in with her!) and he has to limit his time with her to the weekends. When I asked him last week what his plans are for moving, he actually told me he thought he would just stay in the house until he found a job in the town she is living in. Uh, really?! My response was to contact my attorney and find out how to get him out. Result was that he has agreed to sign the house over to me and will not retain any rights to it (yay, me!) but he was shocked when asked what his concrete move out date would be – yep! attorney wrote it right into the divorce decree documentation (he has until Aug. 1 to leave – very, very generous of me).
I had my giggle for the day when he waltzed to the basement to get clean clothes for work this morning. I refuse to do his laundry and he had spent the weekend with “her” so he didn’t do it either. He was truly surprised that I didn’t take care of it. He told our 21-year old daughter to take care of it for him today (even though she had surgery yesterday). Whether or not she does is completely up to her.
Entitled much? Wow, I am amazed at your generosity allowing him to stay in the house until Aug 1.
It’s only due to the fact that I know he has job interviews in another town over the next two weeks and I’m genuinely hoping he gets an offer. I figure I can put up with him that long rather than listening to him tell me how he doesn’t have the money for an apartment here just to move to an apartment there. Even our daughter wants him to go away.
bepositive–last weekend CN supported me as I packed his crap up….lots of garbage backs packed up, lots of tears. I just took the space back. I didn’t do his laundry for a year or cook for him…and now he is gone, but his stuff remains….I wait until he has to get his stuff out….then it is my space, my house, my life….
Well done Outwest, it will get better, hugs, Jedi of course!
OutWest, isn’t seeing light at the end of the tunnel a great feeling!
Mr. Cheaterpants, the guy I dated a couple years ago whose “ex-wife, divorced 10 years” turned out to be his never-divorced current wife, emailed me all meek and pitiful recently to let me know that he hasn’t had a drink in 3 months and “the divorce has been filed” (interesting use of the passive voice there).
Well, he had lied to me repeatedly about his imaginary divorce throughout our relationship, telling me “there’s no record of our divorce because they don’t pay the clerks enough and they make mistakes”, “well, there’s no record because I filed in a different county than I live in”, “our minister maybe wasn’t qualified to officiate so our wedding might not have been legal anyway”, “I don’t know if our wedding certificate was ever filed, so probably we weren’t officially married”, etc. — So I finally broke NC and emailed a simple question back: “What’s your case number?”
Well, Cheaterpants went from meek and pitiful to OUTRAGED! in two seconds flat – There’s no case number because there’s a lag in the mail system! How dare I not believe him! He just wanted to let me know! He wasn’t expecting a kind of Spanish Inquisition! Then outrage turned to sneering: “Have fun searching every county database in the state!”
Dumbass apparently still doesn’t know that there’s only one database for every court record in the entire state and it takes about 5 seconds to search it. So I searched it a couple of weeks later out of idle curiosity and lo and behold!…….his WIFE had filed, by mail. But I am a bad, bad person for not believing him.
SO this may be way off, but I am battling my health issues again and my head is not right. The topic reminded me of summer 2012 (less than a year to my total discard), when I was very sick and heading towards a total hysterectomy. I was deep in the fog of the spell of the Svengali.
We were having what I thought was a nice moment of intimacy in bed when the wasband got a very strange look on his face during sex. He stopped, got up put on his bathrobe and screamed at me “you are not paying attention to me”. Wasband retreated into the other room to have his crying pity party. I sat there wondering what the fuck? How much more attention could there be when his dick is in me and we were making eye contact and talking…
Good confused chump that I was, I went t him to beg him back int bed as if I had done something wrong.
Looking back I have NEVER been so humiliated in my life. Not paying enough attention? As someone already mentioned here, I dispensed kibbles like a broken gum ball machine.
The thought of this incident (among others) makes me want to go on a truck driver swearing rage.
Not enough attention? My ass!
Thank you Chump Lady for helping me finally see the light!
What have I learned? NO ONE will ever get a second chance (possibly not even a first) to demean and humiliate me like that EVER AGAIN!
What is wrong with these assholes and their neediness?
Wow, Echo. That is chilling.
I second your truck driver swearing rage; always works for me!
Most pathetic play for kibbles?
This happened when we had been separated for more than a year. The divorce was dragging out, but we were still legally married at this point. He sent me a text saying, “I am VERY single. Can you give me the recipe for (his favorite dinner)?”
I believe he thought, since he and the other woman were no longer involved, that he was going to move in with me and all the kids and everything was going to be hunky dory. Asshat.
I think you were supposed to offer to cook for him. Because he was VERY single.
My STBX threatened suicide because after 2 breakups, and divorce papers filed under ‘Cruelty’ for his abuse, I would not ‘reconsider’. My grandfather had committed suicide a year before and my STBX KNEW how much that hurt me and my family (in his note he explained he had Alzheimer’s, and did not want to burden his family). I had just told my STBX that I knew about a tonne of money he had lied about, and that I would not be pleased if I found out about any more lies. The fucker had the audacity to SWEAR ON OUR DAUGHTER’S LIFE that he had not lied about the money (this was 2 days before the discovery process found $100,000). I was so enraged I almost got sick. My STBX threatened suicide, saying he had nothing to live for. I did not back down. I called the suicide help line and had some social workers and psychologists from a prevention team contact him. As much as I found him despicable, we have a daughter, so I did it for her sake. You know what happened when he realized I was not falling for his bullshit? He miraculously recovered!!! In one day. So, as far as the ‘Please come back kibbles’ and ‘Don’t take my money kibbles’ goes, that was pretty pathetic. He has lied a lot more and dragged the divorce into month 13, but I am at peace now. I know it will end someday, and HE is the one who has reportedly lied to both the court and me. Good RIDDANCE!!!!!
Can’t wait for blessed TUESDAY! 🙂
My divorce has dragged on for thirteen months now too. Glad you have been able to find peace in the midst of it all. It sure makes a difference! No matter what he says or does to me, he just can’t ruin my peace or happiness anymore!
I can’t wait for blessed Tuesday…in fact, our divorce trial is next week…on TUESDAY!!!
HI Mighty Mite, I am going to trial too! (Don’t know if it is on a Tuesday yet though). Good luck to you. I am feeling so peaceful I am almost giddy. Glad to hear another person is surviving the bullshit! Have a great summer and an even better liar-free life 🙂
(It will be hard not to sing THIS SONG in court though:)
Im glad that worked for you C. I want to warn ppl, abusers often pull the suicide card before escalating to physically hurting or killing you if that control tactic does not work. Pay attention to who you are dealing with or you could end up in a world of hurt. Get away from anyone threatening to kill themselves if you don’t do what they want you to.
I know. I was told that when I was in counselling at the shelter here. That does worry me and cross my mind A LOT. Honestly, I just really hope he just leaves our lives once this is over. He is a shitty father, and my daughter (who is 4) has had a real personalty / character change since last seeing him (usually every second weekend). Both he and his family have criminal history (how much of a history, I do not know). I have this weird feeling that some day, police officers are going to come up to my door and tell me that he has embezzled tonnes of money, or hidden tax dollars, etc.
My daughter’s behaviour has been so bad that a social worker has ordered a psych assessment. I am terrified she has inherited his evil personality. The social worker thinks that he and his parents may be already inducing her to be violent and disobedient. Scary stuff.
I just want him out of our lives forever before he can do anymore damage. One really positive thing though is that I had to run to my parents who live in a town of 3000 people and everybody knows everybody. Usually I would hate that, but I had to give a statement to the police here, and I ended up meeting another police officer socially at a Halloween party. The officer offered to “taze him in the throat” for me. Soooooo…if he DOES try anything, the whole town knows who he is and the police here (around a dozen officers) KNOW who he is. They don’t like him. 🙂
Baring that, I would smash him with a cast iron skillet if he tried to hurt me or my family. (Seriously, this thing weighs like 5 pounds).
Thank you for your kind concern. 🙂 I am sure your expertise was (unfortunately) hard won.
C, this is EXACTLY why I don’t believe in letting disordered fucks have access to their kids. This sort of shit.
Hi Lania, You are right! I certainly hope the court thinks so too!
My exH used to swear on everybody’s life too (except his own). He often swore on his sister’s life (they were 2 evil, broken peas in a pod)…and then she died in her 20’s in a horrible accident. Heard later that he blamed himself. Sucks to be a lying POS.
The cheating asshat I once married of course wanted to “be friends.” He figured he’d move his little whore into the house I’d spent 12 years renovating, and to keep it “friendly” he put a deposit on a shitbox condo around the corner, so I could live in the shadow of the house I’d built. We could still be pals. It was going to be great. I said no. Then he brought his whore along to break into my temporary housing, which I’d thought was in a secure undisclosed location, and I caught them in the act. I guess that was supposed to be a “friendly” burglary. Then he decided we should keep and “share” our mountain cabin. Again, I said no. I didn’t want to clean up after them, and I didn’t want him to have access to me. I went no contact and moved away. Several years later, I received a letter at my office (you can’t disappear completely if you are licensed by the state). It was classic Hoovering. I was always the only one for him. Some small talk about new pets. Some small talk about how I ruined everything because I was crazy. More undying love. Translation: I’ve divorced the whore child and want your kibbles back. I NEED your kibbles. GIVE ME KIBBLES! THOSE KIBBLES ARE MINE!!! No response to that one.
The audacity of narcissists can be mind boggling.
You didn’t want to allow him access to the cabin for his romantic weekend getaways with OW? How unfair! Hahahahaha.
I know. So stingy and thoughtless of me. I’m sure she was there. He loved to go up there to “work” because it was “so quiet.” Sometimes I couldn’t find clothes I’d left there. Sometimes there were bottles of champagne in the garbage. But I wouldn’t share my toys like a good girl so we sold it at a loss. I think having a vacation home together is pretty much like having kids together. It keeps that disordered foot in your door.
Sorry if this is not a personal story, but cheaters remind me of this story from Hyperbole and a Half. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/10/god-of-cake.html
Oh my goodness, GreenGirl!!!! Thank you for sharing that–the cartoons are priceless and lifted my sagging, flagging spirit.
Greedy cake eating little girl=greedy cake eating narcs.
With the same tactics and self control. The girl though has an excuse. The cheaters never grew up.
Looking at these paragraphs in particular:
“I ate the entire cake. At one point, I remember becoming aware of the oppressive fullness building inside of me, but I kept eating out of a combination of spite and stubbornness. No one could tell me not to eat an entire cake – not my mom, not Santa, not God – no one. I would eat cake whenever I damn well pleased. It was my cake and everyone else could go fuck themselves.”
“I was so miserable, but my suffering was small compared to the satisfaction I felt every time my horrible, conniving mother had to watch me retch up another rainbow of sweet, semi-digested success: this is for you, mom. This is what happens when you try to get between me and cake – I silently challenged her to try again to prevent me from obtaining something I wanted. Just once. Just to see what would happen. It didn’t matter how violently ill I felt, in that moment, I was a god – the god of cake – and I was unstoppable. ”
Seem familiar to anyone else?
It upsets me to use this hyperbole post in this way, she is an awesome person who suffers from depression and her blog was very helpful to a while back. She is so good at describing her difficult childhood with humor, as well as her continuing struggles that I just want to say something here. In no way is she anything like the assholes. She’s actually quite amazing. I hope anyone who is depressed will visit her blog or buy her book, like the Bloggess she is a really cool person.
In the post she was a child, children can be expected to act this way, selfish and short sighted. Ask any parent on this board and I’m sure they can tell you of at least one instance when their offspring wanted something and flipped through the rage/charm/self pity channels. That’s what kids do. Lord knows if I were to sit down and type out my childhood honestly it would be peppered with bouts of self-centered behavior.
One instance comes to mind, I wanted to play a game, one of my little sisters didn’t and one did. I made a great point in calling the second the ~good~ sister to manipulate the first because I was 8 or 9 and mad that one of my little sisters would dare defy me by not doing what I wanted and have her own agency. When she started crying I was sort of viciously happy, resented my mom when she stepped in to stop me and remorseful when she punished me.
Sound familiar? The thing is, I was 8 or 9, I grew up, looked back, and am ashamed and humiliated by how I acted and how I hurt my little sister. As we grew up we got along and didn’t get along but under our parents’ guidance learned how to treat others and matured into empathetic adults who treat each other with love and respect. Cheaters act this way as adults. That was my point with the link, that the cheaters are acting like children with children’s actions, motivations, and thought processes.
Maybe forbid her from eating rat poison.
All mine revolve around the kids.
My favorite was when he took them to visit his parents and he asked me if I thought it would be best if I drove them all to the airport.
He has a knack for always framing everything he asks for as if it is a favor to me.
I requested that he stay with our son one Saturday so I could take our daughter to a girl scout event she earned as an honor. After constant requests for changes and missing dinners he finally responded to this one request, “I think it would be best if you got a babysitter.” He then turned around and told me he had a job that would mean he missed the Wednesday dinners and Fridays of his weekend, so could he make it up on a DIFFERENT Saturday than I had requested. I said hell no. I was flexible because of his work, but the one time when I asked about something for his daughter, not even for me he said no and then asked for different day for me to accommodate him? No.
We use Our Family Wizard to keep a calendar, the only things he puts on it are his work conflicts, I put on everything about the kids schedules/doctors/school. He recently missed a very important meeting at school in which we were finding out if daughter might have aspergers and the school would acknowledge and make accommodations. A big deal. He didn’t show up. When I gave him a brief update (as is in our judgment) he said he was so upset he missed it! HE checks the calendar all the time! I pointed out you can see on the calendar that I posted this on April 20th for the meeting in June and furthermore I can see he goes more than 2 weeks at a time without checking the calendar and have started documenting that. I sent a screen shot. He doesn’t want to bother, he would prefer I spoon feed him info about the kids…
But the passive “it would be best if I got a babysitter” both incredibly selfish, but also, sadly true. It is best if they don’t spend a lot of time with them. It is less time for him to be emotionally absent in their presence…
Oops I meant to add — after missing the meeting with 8 people all concerned about our child he suggests we sit down together and talk about it. I said I cannot imagine ever wanting to sit down with him about this or anything.
I wish no contact were possible with kids.
Although my ex didn’t do a huge amount of kibble-hunting on me, he certainly has with our son.
During the year our divorce was in progress, ex ran some sort of 10K with a group of friends (ex was a very experienced runner.) He somehow managed to get dehydrated during this race (I believe on purpose) and insisted on being taken to the local ER. He apparently was very dramatic, claiming he was dying, and insisted one of his friends call me to tell me he was sorry, or some such bullshit. The friend told me that the whole thing was really weird. Anyway, ex later kept complaining that son and I had “not been sympathetic” to his plight. Hell, he was getting fluids in an ER more than an hour’s drive away from where we lived, not sure what he wanted. To this day, he refers to that episode as his “brush with death.” He got a HUGE amount of mileage off that one on Facebook, incredibly exaggerated of course.
More recently, during the time our son was not communicating with ex, ex sent a barrage of text messages to son claiming he was in ER with heart trouble. I told son that almost certainly ex was either lying or exaggerating. Son did not reply to ex, but went on Facebook and looked at ex’s page. During the time ex was supposedly lying in the hospital bed with a heart attack, he was posting about being at an amusement park with a friend. There was ZERO mention ever of this “heart attack” or supposed hospital visit. Not in a million years would ex have let that go by without dozens of selfies of his pitiful self lying in the hospital bed, it would have been the centerpiece of his Facebook page. Despite how obvious it is that he made up the whole episode to get kibbles from son, ex is still bringing it up to son as an example of how awfully son treated him by not communicating with him for a year.
Oh poor dad – he is the victim Sounds like your son is smart enough to see through the drama. When he really does have a ‘heart attack,’ nobody is going to believe it!
About 10 years ago we were eating chicken for dinner. My stbx choked on a bone and passed out. I ran over to him – turned him over and saved his life. If there was one day I could do things over…..sigh…..
Good grief. What a loser.
My ex tries to farm kibbles out of our daughter all the time. She’s young enough to fall for it (11). Most of these attempts also revolve around being gravely ill and then using our daughter as a home nurse. It’s pathetic, and it makes me angry, but I don’t say anything about it other then making the general comment to daughter that grown-ups never need kids to look after them.
Her other favourite is the baby-voiced “do you miss meeee?” when talking on the phone to daughter whilst on one of her frequent, and lengthy, overseas jaunts. Of course daughter stays with me during these times, which I love, but she misses her mother. 50/50 custody in our case us more like 70/30 in my favour. I’m not complaining.
Okay, so I have been in relationships with a string of narcissists. Some cheated. Some didn’t (that I know about). One narc started cheating while I was undergoing chemo. All of which he tearfully confessed to me after the “Chemo’s Over” party my sister threw for me. Which he skipped in favor of visiting friends in Europe. He told me this because he was ready to re-dedicate himself to our relationship and needed to unburden himself so he could feel better. It all ended soon thereafter, and when his affair did a short time after, he had the gall to mention to me (unsolicited during a chance encounter), “See, she wasn’t really the reason we didn’t work out”. I could see his wheels turning to redefine himself as a non-cheater and therefore a Great Guy.
I’m meh, but really wouldn’t mind if his dick dribbled puss the rest of his life
LOL, NoMoreNarcs—-dribbled “puss” or dribbled “pus”—-being the unaccountable cheater type, it sounds as though it’s likely his dick may do both for the rest of his life…..
Hehehehe, sometimes an inadvertent mistake makes for the funniest of comments
Out of the mouths of Chumps…
Wow. That was incredibly therapeutic to share the above. I didn’t even realize how heartless his betrayal was until it was reduced to its bare bones. I guess years of NC degasses the gas lighting. Thanks, CN!
Hard to believe, but my ex asked me to co-sign a loan to set him and schmoopie up as owners of a wine bar. And put my house up as collateral. I am dead serious. He said he understood that “my feelings were probably hurt” by the affair and all, but since he was broke and unemployed, I needed to do this for him. My attorney has been practicing for 30 years and said he had NEVER seen the likes of this. Of course I laughed in his face, but just the fact that he would ask and expect me to do this (especially with Schmoopie as the co-owner of the business) was pretty unbelievable.
Not much more one can say to that request. Unbelievable.
Ummmm – I cannot even respond to that one ChumpedNoMore. I am flabbergasted with such audacity.
Yep, I was pretty floored too. He couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t go for the deal.
Well it WAS a good deal . . . for him. Isn’t that what matters? It’s pretty hard for some of these folks to understand that all the valuable services you’ve provided them are connected to your relationship with them. Or that in the event you don’t have a relationship with them, you won’t pick up their dry cleaning, wash and mend their clothes, or whatever nonchildrelated delegating they’ve grown accustomed to.
That is mind-blowing.
I thought of another one!
Every time my ex flies off the handle or rages because I’m not doing what he wants he brings up the same “offense” to validate that I suck at being a mom. Get ready for it…it’s a doozy…
I went to a concert last summer. Yep. That’s it. He had cheated & left and had our daughter 6 days a month and I went to a concert one Friday night and he was there and I’ve never heard the end of it. Apparently infidelity, lying, manipulating, harassment and threats are all fair but attending a concert while my mom watches my daughter….way over the line.
Yeah, I remember before D-Day I’d spend about one night every three months out with the guys, (if that) and she’d be so bent out of shape about it, or she’d get sick right when I was about to leave, and I couldn’t go until after I got the kids to bed, etc. So I watch kids 89 days straight while being the sole bread winner and then have one night out and she is soooo inconvenienced.
And all the while she’s having a fucking affair.
So fucking twisted and unbalanced.
I could go on with over 50 stories like this …
My Ex was upset with me (a week before DDay) that I was periodically checking my cell phone on our long drive home from a family visit. This of course was way worse than him using his cell phone (paid for by ME for years) to sext and text OW behind my back, while I was evilly playing words with friends or checking the weather forecast.
He was also upset with me a couple weeks before DDay that I forgot we were supposed to go kayaking that Saturday. Actually I didn’t forget, but he went out into the woods to chop wood early in the morning and never came back inside… so I thought he didn’t want to kayak w/me… my crime? I went upstairs to my office to get some work done for my business instead of coming out into the woods and asking him to kayak; when I pointed that out he screamed that I was “making money” while he was out in the woods “not making money!!” (rage). Mind you, he had been lying to me daily for weeks every morning saying he was going to work when he was driving to OW’s house where they would fuck all day. Then he’d come home at night and complain about his stressful work day.
Buddy, I know what you’re talking about. This is pretty much a description of my life before separation and divorce. It’s infuriating.
Same here. I tracked my XW’s nights out until after midnight for 6 months. 112 nights ( about 63%).
I would get up twice a month in the summer at about 4 am and tee it up with some guys. Back before 9am, when everyone was still in bed on Sunday morning.
I started giving golf lessons to one of my XW’s boyfriends after we divorced. He broke up with her, too, after finding she was going out of town with another guy for a weekend after exacting a promise from him ( the boyfriend) not to ever see other women.
He told me that my XW complained to him that golf was the reason our marriage failed. I would play like 5-10 times a year , early in the morning.
Well, TBJ, you are held to higher standards, donchaknow?
It is amazing what a narcissist feels entitled to!!! He even put a copy of the business plan he and schmoopie wrote in my mailbox along with a note asking me to reconsider.
Was he really just trying to push your buttons? Or was he really THIS STUPID? That’s just craziness!
He was DEAD SERIOUS!!!! LOL!!!
That IS craziness.
Srsly? Ok, the butter story. During false R he told the counselor I yelled at him because I was cooking and didn’t have butter and he was forced to go nextdoor and beg for butter, it was abusive and I needed to apologize for this 10 YEARS later. The truth is that he was going to the store and I asked him to make sure we had butter as I was making a nice dinner and I was in the middle of the recipe when I found we had none so I yelled at him to go borrow some from the neighbor, when he refused cos he was playing a game I did get pissed, i admit to telling him to go or no food for him. 10 years later he said I scared him, yah no, he came back with the bitter and said “here bitch, this better be good” can’t make this shit up.
My neighbor and I still laugh over how he changed the story to say he was afraid of me that day, she remembers him coming over and his bullshit about cowering in front of her still makes her laugh out loud.
He probably had schmoopie believing that he was entitled to the property somehow to sweeten the deal, make his worth more to her! Now he’s scrambling to cover his lies!! Nothing else makes since short of a previous lobotomy.
This thread is hilarious and totally unbelievable. I’ve told the story several times of how my ex repeatedly tried to bill my extended medical for his Cialis, but as outraged as I was, I just let the nice gents at Blue Cross handle it. No kibble here, bro.
The best one though was about 2 weeks before I went NC. He asked to borrow my carpet cleaner (yes, an actual Hoover Maneuver), and when he brought it back, he said in front of my kids, “These things are pretty handy. I should get your mom to find me one on Craigslist.” This from a man who spent our entire relationship trawling the CL casual encounters and therapeutic services. After I picked my chin off the floor, I said, “I don’t think you need any help navigating your way around Craigslist.” Dipshit.
Just wanted to say, I LOVE your user name. I am also (unfortunately) a fool me twice. I will, however, soon be a “It’sFINALLYTuesday.” Love the Hoover Story reply BTW. Effing HILARIOUS.
With a protective order in place that he knows I enforce by reporting his violations I don’t get circle back, as long as he’s afraid of going to jail that is. At my renewal hearing last month he did change tactics to get the judge to refuse my request. He recognized his outraged protestations that he never wanted to see me again and similar angry remarks regarding my perfidy in pursuing a protective order against his poor blameless person hadn’t gotten any traction with the judge. This last time he professed a desire to apologize to me and gave a faux apology that any chump would recognize, the one where he is so sorry everything had been so hard on “both of us” and he wished I’d realize he never “meant to hurt me and never had hurt me” . Thankfully this tactic didn’t work on “my” judge either. As long as the same judge hears me at renewal she will support me, my case was probably the most insane she’s ever heard. My biggest fear is loosing that order because his circle back could be very bad.
The most pathetic circle back he tried when the PO allowed email contact to facilitate the divorce was in trying to get cars in separate names and his fucking mail. I signed over title to his car and mailed to him. He signed my car title in the wrong place despite the damn stickers and exact instructions and then offered to meet me to fix it. I have a PO asshole, I have it for a reason! He also kept expecting me to bundle his mail and send it to him for fucking ever, I truly believe it was because he as SURE I would allow him to come back. After three weeks I sent him an email that from now on all his mail would be marked “not at this address”. His response was that I had to send it to him. Mine was a very polite answer; “I’m sorry, you do not live here any longer, form now on your mail will be returned to sender and any calls for you will be told that you do not live here any more, so I suggest you contact anyone who might call you here and that you not only forward your mail, you need to enter a Change of address because you will never live here again.” Then came the poor sausage routine telling me he didn’t have all his doctors numbers and his heart problems, blah. I sent back a three word response “I don’t care”. Within three days I stopped getting mail addressed to him.
PS: I found it gratifying and cleansing to simply tell anyone calling him “he doesn’t live here anymore” and I only gave his cell phone number to people that were trying to collect money from him, otherwise I couldn’t be bothered to look it up
After I kicked X out, he moved directly into a 2 bedroom condo, over an hour away, with latest OW. He only had a 2 seater truck at the time, I kept my van. He asked me if he could use my van when he had the kids(4) for his weekend, and I could drive OW’s car(since his truck is a stick and i can’t drive stick). My brain about exploded! Moron. I declined, he couldn’t understand why, I was just being mean.
Like anyone would ever want to sit in or drive a nasty whore’s car, ugh hhhh. No telling what you’d catch.
Thanks CL. I’ve had that stupid commercial stuck in my head ALL DAY! “Kibble and Bits! Kibble and Bits! I’VE GOT TO GET ME SOME KIBBLE AND BITS!”…my greatest joy is witholding them. Email and texts only with ex, only about our son, no salutations or pleasantries. Very direct, to the point, with about as much emotion as a weather report.
Entertaining/shocking thread…. always enlightening to stop by Chump Central.
My husband swore on our child’s life he wasn’t having an affair and of course he was… yawn.
My mother recently passed away (the MIL that allowed H to have a carefree, comfortable, responsibility-free life in many regards) and he TEXTED me his condolences, stating he would “… be a much better friend than husband.”
Pretty low bar you set there, dude! Let me ponder the fabulous offer you’ve just made… NOT!
What the FUCK is it with pathological liars swearing on their children’s lives and LYING????? That (based on the superstition) basically condemns their own child to death for their perjury!!!!! My STBX did that! I was so mad I literally could not see straight. I don’t think God is so cruel as to punish a child for their lying parent’s false oath, but STILL! They are willing to LIE to the powers of the universe to evoke a convincing story? UNFORGIVABLE!!!!!
If we lived in a time of human sacrifice, these fucking assholes would be throwing their offspring onto alters to be able to get their dicks wet and get away with it!!!
I’m sure I’ve posted this before, but here goes…….. after I had left my ex, we still had to meet occasonally to discuss arrangements with the kids. One night, completely out of nowhere she asked:
“why don’t we stay living together in this house, for the kids sake, and keep our spare unit (apartment) at the beach so we can have relationships with other people when we want to”. I’m seriously not making this up.
My ex who have not seen for over a year is so desperate for kibbles, he is insisting on going through with his court case where he has 17 charges ranging from burglary, extortion, mischief for leaving dead rats on my car (videotaped) etc to a serious mischief charge which is equivalent to attempted murder (he cut the brake lines to my car).
The psychopath is willing to tell the court that he is a member of the mafia and that I (as a lawyer) not only knew that but participated in his illegal activities and profited from them. The pathological liar has plans for 3 days of his lying friends to vouch that I was a jealous insecure wife – which apparently makes it okay that he did these things to me. Total out of pocket costs to me of $20,000 to cover his vandalism
The Prosecutor has offered him a peace bond to settle it (as a professional courtesy – he doesnot think it’s fair to me to have to have the crazy allegations of my ex to be made public and have me lose my livelihood as a result of all the (false) allegations
I’m ok with the peace bond which means the X will not even have a criminal record in order to have this thing over with. The psychopath can never be rehabilitated so no point in hoping he gets jail time ( our justice system is seriously flawed so doubt he’d be there long anyway)
But here’s the ridiculousness – he has not accepted the offer – he wants to have his time in court !?!? This is the viciousness of these crazy Narc types. He wants attention and wants me to suffer to get it !!
What a pompous arse! May the Force be with you.
These may be the scariest stories I’ve heard yet, since I started reading CL, and trying to believe…that they suck. How did there come to BE so many disordered people in the hunt??
I think this one is pretty funny. From the time we met Saddam told me he was allergic to metal, in summer he’d occasionally show me a bit of rash on his hand that he attributed to the metal door handles at work…as a consequence when he finally convinced me to marry he insisted he could never wear a ring unless it was surgical steel. Then he buys me a ring without consult (with my money) that was horrible, it did not match my tastes or my hand structure, it cut me so I didn’t wear it. 18 years later during the divorce he emails me to ask if he can have my wedding ring
Him: “I found out I’m not allergic to anything in gold, I know you always hated the ring I got you so can I please have it to remember you by? I was thinking of using the diamonds to make a unique ring”
Me: “the ring doesn’t fit my hand but I want to keep it so I can always remember our good times” And ” funny how you figured out your metal allergy was bogus after 18 years isn’t it?”
I’ll be selling the ring at some point, not in any rush cos it isn’t worth much. That up there was what I was reduced to in trying to get him to settle, I lied, that fucking ring will be sold. I met his 18 year lie with another lie, at some point you just do whatever makes the crazy go away
The only time mine was like that was when D-Day happened and I filed 3 days later. Then No Contact for 2 weeks. Then he called me all crying and shit. So I went to Belize and dispensed more kibbles. However, after I came back (2 months later) and proceeded with the divorce, he hardly tried to exert pressure on the kibble dispenser. A couple times, but that is pretty much it. I guess it was for real, he really didn’t love me and was done. That’s it. BAM as Emeril would say. the very few times we’ve had contact since then were extremely limited although he did try to get me in bed with him when I was in Belize a month ago. Fat chance, sucker, even if I am ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS!
Kibble, as soon as XH realised I would no longer provide, he instantly sought other suppliers, our kids, our church, family, friends, and now the GF and her family. He has procrastinated on settlement only to negotiate at court involving the GF in all decisions. But is now delaying signing off. But the saddest kibble attempt was at the hospital the day our daughter was diagnosed with leukaemia, one month post D’day ( she is doing well).
Left sitting in a room with him, my XSIL (beautiful woman) and a friend who has known XH since he was 16 ( also a beautiful woman) after a meeting with the oncology team, the following conversation happened.
Me ” I need you to know you and I are done, I cannot fight you and help ………. battle this illness.”
Him, “. ”
I get up and leave the room, as I open the door
Him ” I like your new glasses by the way!”
I leave and the friend says to him ” your marriage is over, she is done with you”
Him ” no it’s not she just thinks it is.”
For the next 6 weeks he walked in and out of that hospital as he pleased like he was ten foot tall and bullet proof, expecting the kibble machine to crank up again. When it didn’t he turned into a nasty POS and has remained that way ever since.
Ex moved cross-country to move in with OW in September. I promptly filed for divorce, and it was finalized in early December. On Dec. 23, Ex called me up and asked, “Hey, could you pick up some Christmas gifts for my mom and dad and sisters and their families, for me? I know you’ll be seeing them tomorrow on Christmas Eve.”
Seriously, dude? You want me to go Christmas shopping for you, for your entire family of 9, all in 1 day, the day before Christmas Eve, when I am disabled, have (custody of) our 3 young kids to take care of, and you are not working (so have plenty of time to shop)? You are expecting me to do all this, after you lied to, cheated on, stole from, and abandoned me for an ugly baboon whore? Hmm, those would sure be some nice tasting kibbles… But No, not happening, not a snowballs chance in hell of me dispensing the kibbles on this one, dude. Merry Christmas.
Ha! You must have done all the Christmas shopping during the marriage. What a dumb ass. I used to do all the Christmas shopping too. Except last year – I was not about to spend anymore of my money on his family when he is out getting drunk 5 nights a week. So for Christmas last year he and his 2 living brothers decide to give their parents (mother is an asshole, father is ok) a $1200 grill. Yes – $1200. Asswipe gives me a ‘reject’ jacket from his employer. My kids were sitting right there when I opened this jacket – so they got to see what an asswipe their father is…. Ya Merry Christmas asshole!
Over the ten years with my ex, I helped him move up the career ladder , we have split after him having an affair with younger co worker and he is her line manager, well he asked me to help him find him a new job as he is finding it hard to control her while in work and his boss is starting to notice and he has told him to get her in line and stop given her special treatment ,so his worried he will get sack , wtf lol am a careers advisor so help others into work , lol I sent email back saying no way , you fired me from that job when you ran off with her , good luck , he replied but I need a cv and help and I thought u were my friend , lol no reply from me, but no way arsehole, am waiting for karma lol
I’m waiting for some bad ass Karma too….. Like heart attack, kidney failure, liver failure. It really doesn’t matter – as long as there is some suffering involved. Well – I guess just death is fine too.
He texts me one evening to say that he has no money for gas, so if we want to keep doing regular visitation until payday, my brother will have to pick the children up from visitation for the rest of the week. Usually I drop them off then go to work, and my XH takes them back to my place when visitation is over.
I know that this is XH’s passive-aggressive, indirect way of asking for money for gas, and it annoys me that he can’t simply humble himself and ask for it directly. I consult with my brother and he says he is fine with picking up the kids. So I text my XH back and inform him that, okay, brother will be over at 11:00 to pick up the children.
The text that I immediately get back:
“Walking to work”
Uh-huh. NOT MY PROBLEM. I text him back that if he needs money for gas, he should ask Tami (his former work-wife / EA partner) or Dawn (his ex-mistress). Perhaps not very “meh” of me, but still effective.
He texts me back, “I don’t need money for gas, I’m just letting you know.”
Whatever. It’s kibbles. It’s him wanting me to say, “Oh, poor baby, you need money for gas? Here you go, here’s a $20 bill, I don’t want you having to walk for work. There you go, Mama fix.” You know, like I did for my entire marriage. And he wants me to do all of this without having to do the hard work of humbling himself and admitting he’s a total loser and he’s been a turd to me for a long time and I don’t owe him anything. No, he just wants to throw his problem out there and see if I’ll fix it.
Immediately after DDAY he buys me diamond earrings. I refused to accept them and gave them to our daughter.
What I didn’t know was he was STILL COMMUNICATING WITH THE MOW even after he declared he was NC. Mr. “Nice guy” cheaterpants was sooooo worried about HER emotional trauma of the break up after being his decade long fuckbuddy.
Yeaaaaah. WTF moment #27384940482625142646586970808083625231… for me.
I cannot understand why they are always soooooo worried about the OW and so insensitive about us.
Kibble, my XH has often sort kibble from our middle child who is not yet 13. He booked a holiday for Easter lasts year and became hostile towards me when she wouldn’t go. A week before Christmas he called to discuss visitation for Christmas Day and then informed me he had booked a holiday for himself and all our kids over New Years, he had known since October that I had plans that week. He started out nice, then tried to guilt trip me and when I stood my ground he became hostile telling me I should just forgo my plans for him.
Me”this is typical of you, doing what you want no communicating and then at the last minute thinking I will just give in or that you will get round me”
Him” it would take an extra wide berth to get round you”
Yep he went there.
Thankful–wow, what an asshole in so many ways. The only good thing about their continued abuse is that it is confirmation that they suck and that divorce was very much the right decision.
Hey kids..not meaning to thread jack… but I’m getting married .
Been single for eight years….met Mr. Wonderful. Wedding in my backyard next summer. .you are all invited
Syringa–do dish! Last I remember, weren’t you attending some function in a polka dot dress but felt no one paid you any attention. And dating a man around the holidays who you ditched (rightfully) for admitting his new years resolution was to have a threesome?
How’d you meet Mr. Wonderful? Big wedding or small? Indoors or outdoors? The adoring CN public wants to know!!
Tempest. ..good memory! Yes all true. I’m trying to type on my ipad. I met him on line. It was insane
attraction. Ironically I went to scool with his xw. He’s a Chump too. After 3 months he asked me to marry him! He’s gorgeous, has a great job and is crazy about me. He’s smart and funny. I honestly never thought it would happen. I hadn’t said the love word in eight long years. I think it’s bugging Mr cheaterpants . Ha!
Tempest…you will be invited
Okay, just realize I might attend!! I love storybook endings!
(posted this before, but here’s my CL email: firstname.lastname@example.org; happy to view those pictures from the bridal shoppe as you choose dresses!)
I will email you from my aol mail
So happy for you!!! 🙂 This gives me hope that there are still good people out there waiting to find other good people. 🙂
C..yes there are some good ones left. Fellow chumps
Well after I kicked my lying, cheating ex out a few weeks ago she had to find a new place to live. Right behind mine (same rear fence) so that “we could stay in touch and be friends” because “we still love each other” but “need time to work on our own issues”. Yeah right! She also thinks when I move interstate at the end of the year she’s going to come visit me and the dogs…! Just smiling politely till the separation paperwork is signed next week – then no contact!
Wow, Wat700–STBX entitled much? Hoping next week comes soon for you.
My soon to be X has enlisted our 23 year old daughter to persuade me to quicken the “divorce process” !
So I think to myself….obviously my lawyer is being very successful and we are hitting the financial nerve! Why would I want to make it less painful for the serial cheater pants that he is…28 years of marriage, WTF!
I have asked him repeatedly, not to speak with our young adult children (ages 23 & 26) about our divorce. It is SO typical of him as he does not respect any boundaries….He is a pathetic man. His arrogant stupidity is more evident as time goes by…I am feeling stronger everyday as I know the right thing. Our joint federal tax return is a hot topic, as the soon to be X is so stoned (Pot), he does not know where he put our documents that he was bringing to our CPA! Lord give me strength!! Sending only good wishes to all my fellow Chumps!!
Manchild told me that he was coming over today and to leave the door unlocked because he needed to pick up some clothes. I told him all his clothes were bagged up in the garage and I would open the garage door for him if he liked. His responses are hysterical (after two zanax):
Him: Why are my clothes in bags?
me: I didn’t want to look at them.
Him: Put them back
I don’t need all my clothes, just some.
Me: your clothes are all in bags in the garage. If you let me know when you are coming, I will open the garage door for you.
Him: I need shorts, sandles, etc…
Me: your clothes are all in bags in the garage. If you let me know when you are coming, I will open the garage door for you.
Asshat. Put them back!? Seriously? Lmao.
Gone–that’s hysterical! “Put them back!!”
Gone – you should have said – Fuck you… I’ll call big sisters if you don’t come get your shit… Get a tax write off.
I know. I was pretty proud of my “no” response. Not a bunch of details or explaining or anything.
Quote of the day from cheating ex when I emailed her about settlement stuff – “why can’t you just say hi – this formality is killing me!”
One day: I’m a really amazing person *barf*
Next day: “I can’t believe I trusted you to be civil. You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re pathetic.” (I should be ashamed of MYSELF?! Come ON!!!!)
The very next day: “I hope this money (the legally imposed maintenance) helps with your healing process. I pray for you everyday.”
I went one hundred percent no contact after his second comments mentioned above. He also threw a pair of OW’s disgusting panties in my work bag (classy). Since then, he’s enlisted the rector at our (not mine anymore) church to reach out because I wasn’t being a good, forgiving Christian and he was worried about me (what a saint).
Why are chumps the one class of people victimized who are called upon to forgive their assailants? Where are the cries for the people whose legs were blown off by the Boston Marathon bombers to forgive? the cries for people bamboozled by Bernie Madoff to forgive? the cries for the 70 people injured in the Aurora movie theater shooting to forgive James Holmes? I don’t want to equate the severity of each of these crimes, or to fit the pain of infidelity into a rank. I’m simply saying that in no other crime is there this mass outcry to “forgive” the person who injured them severely. We might admire those that do forgive their embezzler, or bomber, but we don’t expect it of them. Nor does society harangue them to forgive the same way that people want to pressure chumps to forgive, or to act friendly for the sake of the children, or to “get over it.” Irritating, to say the least.
My XH is such a kibble hound that he has taken to bringing his girlfriend to events he knows I will be at and then stands in close proximity. Yesterday he arrived at our sons national football competition with the GF’s children but not the gf, today he came with the gf but no kids. I hope they are ok.
I am a ground official at the competition so I have duties. I left my chair only to find on return that XH and GF had taken up position right next to my chair. In the past I would have held back giving him right of way as was customary in our marriage. Not today. I just sat down. Part of me wants to scream, F off. But I know through CL that is what he is hoping for.
Sorry. No kibble for you today.
My EXH took the new gf to a wedding we were invited to bc I guess he is so delusional that he needs our “friends” to be cool with him. I didn’t show. No kindles for you!!!
Let me just say that I am an accomplished professional, and a fine, upstanding citizen. But I AM a chump and have a history of feeding copious amounts of Ego Kibble to various narcissists along the way. So over that…
My ex-narcissist has been absolutely impossible when I have tried to renegotiate our Parenting Plan with him. Our daughter is 12 now– she was 7 when the original was written, so her needs have certainly changed. Not to mention my ExNarc has married the most lovely Borderline (Dx’d by my daughter’s psychologist)! They both think it’s okay to tell me how to parent my child, and to tell me to stop meddling in their lives… but they cannot tell me they’ve scheduled her a consultation for braces. So, time to set some boundaries on paper, with the court.
BTW: I share parenting time 50/50 with the ExNarc, and live two miles away. I’m totally in the picture. And I have a great relationship with my daughter!
Just like a Narcissist, he routes my email to a folder he doesn’t look in. His wife then responds “for him,” and tells me I”m a bad parent and need to leave them alone. Then she signs permission slips and takes my daughter to the doctor, when no one even told me she had an appointment…
Anyway, the issues at hand are 1. lack of communication; and 2. stepmom has no clue about the role of a stepparent– no boundaries at all.
MOST PATHETIC PLAY FOR KIBBLES: Yesterday, we were in court. I want co-parenting counseling ordered, because he walked out of voluntary counseling and refuses to work with my attorney to craft a new Parenting Plan. Mediation didn’t work for us, either. My attorney stood up and spoke in court, then the ExNarc. He talked and talked about how there are no problems in our relationship– everything is going perfectly.
See, he’s representing himself– he fired his lawyer, because working out our differences for the sake of our daughter isn’t worth the money. And he was smarter than his attorney, anyway.
In attendance: his wife, his sister, his mother, his father.
It was a preliminary hearing for a court order. Not the Geneva Convention.
I sat next to my attorney with my back straight and my hands in my lap. Mouth shut. Nobody in the Gallery. My husband and mother got a phone call after.
He might have gotten some kibble for his ego, but I think the judge saw right through him. ExNarc asked the judge if his wife could go to coparenting counseling with us, and was told that was inappropriate. No more kibbles– boo hoo.
He looked like an ass. Probably because he is one.
Let me clarify: I am having counseling court ordered, because, when he fails, I can have a custody evaluation ordered.
I’m not delusional; a Narcissist will not succeed in counseling. Lucky for me, the judge ordered a 16-week course with status-update court after, instead of open-ended, “I hope he’ll change…” ongoing counseling.
Most pathetic play for kibbles: well besides the “I may as well kill myself” line done a few times, he says to me, on the day he was moving out “We could always have a casual relationship…”? Wow. Truly off his nuts.
Angela, unfortunately I think most of them say something like that. Mine apparently thought his life would stay the same, except he could occasionally go fuck some whore openly, and I’d have dinner waiting for him when he got home. Dumass.
SO true. It’s the epitome of DUMB isn’t it?..