First, thank you so much for your blog. It has helped me see through so much and CN has been the best resource I’ve found in dealing with my bi-polar (officially diagnosed) alcoholic, drug addled, pathological liar, cheating STBX. He finally went to rehab, so he is currently sober, but because he’s “changed”, he expected that we would reunite our family. I, with help from my therapist, informed him that that will never happen. I wished him well in his sobriety, as our children deserve a sober father, but that I was moving forward with the divorce.
Cue love bombing stage, then when I didn’t respond per his expectations, rage. I remain mostly NC, but made the mistake of trying to reason with him concerning his seeing the children. I treat it as a business transaction and then am accused of being so cold and callous. I think the following text I received this week (keep in mind, I filed April of 2014!) is worthy of UBT, as I’m sure many of your readers have received similar missions. I have my own interpretation, but would be curious as to your thoughts.
I love you so much. The only reason I can figure out why I lash out is because I’m trying to turn my heart into stone. The pain of loving you and you not loving me back is more than I can bear.
I am so sorry. I know I can never say it enough.”
Ah yes, the classic It’s Not What I Did, It’s Your Reaction to It.
The problem is that you don’t want a relationship with him. The problem couldn’t possibly be that he did something worthy of ending a relationship. Hey, he said he was sorry!
I am so sorry. I know I can never say it enough.
Translation: saying sorry should be enough.
What hasn’t occurred to him is that the real way to convey sorry is to accept consequences.
Every time he tries to love bomb or rage at you, he’s trying to control those consequences. Remorse would look like respectfully getting along with you.
I love you so much. The only reason I can figure out why I lash out is because I’m trying to turn my heart into stone.
Yeah, the problem is he Just Loves Too Much. The only way he can “turn his heart to stone” is to “lash out.” If he didn’t have such a big heart, he wouldn’t have to hurt you! See, you brought this on yourself by not reciprocating his love.
What? You can’t feel the sorry in that?
The pain of loving you and you not loving me back is more than I can bear.
I shall now flip the channel to the self-pity setting.
Hey, he’s in pain. So what if he cheated on you? You can’t begin to understand what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t love you back.
The UBT is chortling at the irony.