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UBT: “Should I ask you for a handout?”

moochDear Chump Lady,

I’d like to submit to your Universal Bullshit Translator this email that cheater sent to his parents with his version of the story and a not so subtle request for CA$H. You have my permission to post this on your website for the educational and entertainment purposes of Chump Nation.

Thanks,

The Lady is a Chump

Hello,

Hate to spring this on you and please, no “not again” emotionalism here, but TheLadyisaChump and I are done for, finished, and kaput. There was something brewing when we left ******* and sort of exacerbated itself in ***********.

I really don’t know what her problem is, but there is a problem. I will spell out what the last incident was: Essentially it came to finances and she manipulated it to a degree where I am still really pissed off at her unfairness and I really have no desire to be with her again. Ever. I am tired of her insults, tired of her manipulations and having such manipulation “approved” by her twisting of religion, tired of those boys of hers who have been lazy and disobedient to the only real father figure they’ve had in their life. I mean, come on!

When I left, because this was all “my fault” after all and not her taking subliminal suggestions from a Sunday sermon to a nth degree and transferring it on to me, it was quick to go — no car, no paycheck to cash. So I’m in bind. I haven’t been able to get to work this week because funding, primarily because of taxi fares, cost of motel, food, et al.

So my question is this: Should I try to get to work this week and blow out the last of my $$ for taxi, wait for check deposit on Friday, and try to stick it out or should I ask you both for a handout? Go back to [place where parents live] and not look back ever again? What would you do or suggest I do because I can’t think straight what with the rage and disappointment going on in my head.

I am at the Budget Motel in (full mailing address) and phone number is **********, Room ***. Remember I’m 3 hours ahead of you. Call me about 5 PM or 6 PM your time.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Love always,

Cheater

Dear The Lady Is a Chump,

His poor parents. Then again maybe they raised this spoiled, sad sausage of a man-child? I’m wondering how you got a hold of his shake down request for money? But never mind, chumps have their sources.

Hello,

Hate to spring this on you and please, no “not again” emotionalism here, but TheLadyisaChump and I are done for, finished, and kaput. There was something brewing when we left ******* and sort of exacerbated itself in ***********.

Hello. I say a casual hello before I make a dramatic pronouncement. Lady and I are done for! I really mean it this time. No really. (Did I use this excuse to bum money off you before? Well, this time is different. It’s finally final.)

I really don’t know what her problem is, but there is a problem.

It’s HER problem. A nebulous, irrational, substanceless problem. I am baffled.

I will spell out what the last incident was:

I suppose you deserve some hint of a suggestion of an explanation for why I need money. But don’t press me on the details.

Essentially it came to finances and she manipulated it to a degree where I am still really pissed off at her unfairness and I really have no desire to be with her again. Ever.

She won’t let me use her for money anymore, which is really unfair. I don’t ever want to see her again! So, as your son, if you don’t let me use you for money — you will never see me again! Not saying that as a threat, it’s just that I cannot tolerate this kind of injustice. The injustice of you not giving me money.

I am tired of her insults, tired of her manipulations and having such manipulation “approved” by her twisting of religion,

She insulted me for cheating on her, and insinuated that God has a problem with adultery. As IF!

tired of those boys of hers who have been lazy and disobedient to the only real father figure they’ve had in their life. I mean, come on!

Everyone is mean to me! And lazy, disobedient, and manipulative! All meanies, conspiring against me! Even Jesus!

When I left, because this was all “my fault” after all and not her taking subliminal suggestions from a Sunday sermon to a nth degree and transferring it on to me,

She has no informed thoughts. No actions to base her harsh judgements of me on, just subliminal suggestions. That minister was practicing mind control on her and now she wants to practice it on me! Well, no sir-ee am I going for THAT.

it was quick to go — no car, no paycheck to cash.

She dumped me and took the car.

So I’m in bind. I haven’t been able to get to work this week because funding, primarily because of taxi fares, cost of motel, food, et al.

All I endeavor is to get to work. I am a sad victim of circumstance, just trying to do my best and make my way in the world — but I am thwarted by taxi fares. Apparently, I have no friends to ask for a lift.

So my question is this: Should I try to get to work this week and blow out the last of my $$ for taxi, wait for check deposit on Friday, and try to stick it out

That would be a horrible fate, spending the last of my money on getting to work. And having to wait until Friday to get paid like other mortals.

or should I ask you both for a handout?

I like this option better! Um, and you know I’ll only spend it on getting to work! Scout’s honor.

Go back to [place where parents live] and not look back ever again?

If you do not send me money, I will come live with you. That threat ought to loosen the purse-strings!

What would you do or suggest I do because I can’t think straight what with the rage and disappointment going on in my head.

The UBT suggests that you rest your rage-filled head on one of those vibrating mattresses in that cheap hotel. Insert a quarter and shake all the stupid out.

I am at the Budget Motel in (full mailing address) and phone number is **********, Room ***. Remember I’m 3 hours ahead of you. Call me about 5 PM or 6 PM your time.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Bailing your grown-ass son out is but a trifle!

Love always,

Cheater

Love money! Love you!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • Why is it that cheaters can’t manage money? Just another one of their character flaws … and they’re shamelessly able to ask for handouts and loans. Takers to the end.

  • Apparently, this dude wants to write his own religion where adultery–I assume that is the REAL story–is NO BIG DEAL! Ha. Good luck with that. Yeah, I wonder if part of this message is really a reminder that he knows he blew it but cannot “man up” in owning it. The whole church thing makes him feel guilty; so, he blames Lady for “manipulating.” Sounds like the dude has a pathological problem in owning his own choices and taking responsibility here. Sad sausage indeed!

  • Reading this website is what gave me the guts to finally confront him about mooching off me. He packed and was gone within 20 minutes.

    • My mooching, lying, cheating alcoholic XBF sure as hell didn’t scamper when I came uncorked on him. I had to go through the eviction process which under Texas law, FORCED me to allow him to remain in my home for 30 days before an actual eviction was ordered by the court. It was a trying situation for me, he acted a fool 90% of the time.

      On his last day of legal residence, he got incredibly drunk and fell head first, oozing blood on my tile floor….he ended up in the ER with a blood alcohol content of .39. At .39 most people are either in a coma or dead.
      The ER doctor called me and asked if I was going to come collect him. His last 24 hrs of legal residence in my home were up and I replied “he’s not my concern. Have the sheriff take him to the drunk tank” and that’s where he went.

      From that moment on, his life has really gone downhill. His prospects have dried up and no woman is ‘saving’ (TOLERATING) him anymore. He is reaping what he’s sown his entire serial cheater/alcoholic life.

      He’s not my concern.

  • Typical that this tool begs for a handout without ever having the fortitude to ask for help. So, of course, he can’t owe anyone anything. He’s just considering his options, you understand. Oh, what? You have the idea to send him cash? Why, yes! Come to think of it, that WOULD be helpful!

    My sense is that most cheaters are freeloaders across a broad spectrum of their life activities. In the family, at work, with friends, financially. Takers, pure and simple. Rules don’t apply to them, boundaries can’t contain them, and budgets don’t consider all the complexities of their fabulousness.

    • Unless they’re out to impress. EH was a moocher and skinflint at home but with other people he’d flash the cash.

      • Oh, they love spending money conspicuously. Earning it? Not so much.

        My ex and her family valued get rich quick scams and unethical and even illegal schemes to avoid paying taxes far more than a college degree or consistent employment. Jobs have lots of rules, and rules are a cheater’s kryptonite.

        • Ex SIL was the most conniving person I’d ever met. She latched onto a disabled man and his elderly mother and conned them into giving her the money to open a beauty shop and was working her way into getting their house. It really does run in the family.

    • “Rules don’t apply to them, boundaries can’t contain them, and budgets don’t consider all the complexities of their fabulousness.”

      Yes, indeed. So very well-said as always, Nomar.

    • Rules don’t apply—not moral, not financial, nope too good for rules….my ex actually never applied for a job, there was one for him…long story, now, moving out, he doesn’t have to find a house, there is one waiting for him…his parent’s, and lucky him, it is empty of people and full of material goods….bonus all the way around and hopefully he won’t decimate the marital home when he moves out as all he needs is his clothes…oh, did I fail to mention he can wear his dad’s clothes too (since his dad is no longer with us) and sleep in is dad’s bed….and carry on his dad’s greatest lesson of entitlement ever….CHEATING!

    • So true Nomar. When the ex was in his late teens he was into new, fast cars. He got into an accident with one and it was never the same so he traded it only 2 years into a 4 year loan. He brought the cost of that car into the next (new) car so he was classically ‘underwater’ in this new car. His payments were ridiculous and eventually he got into money trouble. His parents could not be mooched from because they have never had anything to mooch.

      No problem-he just hired someone to ‘steal’ and torch the car. Can anyone say insurance fraud? Of course his insurance didn’t cover the totality of his over financing so he still had to pay on a car that was torched and buy another one to get around.

      So entitled his whole life. I was so young, naïve and very stupid! Live and learn!

  • It’s really amazing how quickly the mooch moves when you cut off the supply.

    What? Demands? I’m outta here.

  • Bahahahahaha! This version of the UBT is priceless! Thanks for the laugh. I don’t think his parents were too surprised to get that missive – it take a village (idiot) to raise a cheater. My cheaters parents were freaks!

  • “She won’t let me use her for money anymore, which is really unfair. I don’t ever want to see her again!”
    HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! YES!!!

    My STBXH is such a damn MOOCH– a total LEECH!!!

    This is awesome, thanks, Chump Lady!!!

  • Send money and only call at this pre appointed time……. *insert eye roll here*
    Part of me says, yes, please run back to the people who made you what you are!
    Nice job taking a stand on this special sparkly one Lady is a Chump. Yes, you are mighty!

    • yes, i noticed that too. Do not call me in the morning and any earlier the 6 pm because you know he is sleeping and doesnt want to be bothered. not even by his parents who are sending him money. because you know his ass cant get to work because he has no taxi money. WTF!!!!

      if my kid wrote me that email, i would call him early in the morning and tell him to get his ass to work.

  • This was really funny, but in reality its pathetic at best! Their whole world is against them now, all the while looking for their next victim. LOSER, Im sure mommy and daddy will come to your rescue again.

    • When Loki needed his Mommy to come rescue him, I wanted to scream: “baby!” … But he couldn’t have taken it… He only knows how to dish it. What grown man whines like this? Fireball, you and DM say it like it is.

  • I’m with all of you here. They are shameless in their pursuit to make their asses comfy at your expense of course!! Has anyone besides me noticed that once the cheater is gone, you find you have a tidy sum left to save or accomplish projects left long overdue when the cheater was mooching off you?? Nomar is right. “Budget?, I don’t need no stinking budget!” Is usually what the cheater will tell you! After all, you aren’t the boss of them and they want what they want. No matter if it’s at the expense of you or the kids!! Since my divorce, and working with the same amount of money his income provided, I have been so much better off financially. I guess a cheaters dysfunction extends from making poor relationship choices right to making poor financial decisions too! At least true in my situation.

    • I was always asking STBX how we never had money when we both had good incomes (he INSISTED on managing our finances). He blamed it on paying for my student loans each month. After Dday, as I started really looking into the financials, which he very purposefully kept from me by continuos excuses and subject changing, I figured out that he was spending hundreds of dollars each week. When I am no longer paying a lawyer each month for this divorce, I will have quite a bit of extra money each month, savings, paying off students loans, it is amazing how much further the money goes without them.

      • He Hid,

        This reminds me of something. EH handled the mortgage. He kept lying to me about how many years were left to go on it. (I was stupid, I know. I lost track when we refinanced and took his word.) He told me fifteen years when it was actually seven. I couldn’t figure out why he’d lie about it. Maybe he was planning to pocket that money if we stayed together? I asked him and he had no answer. It makes no sense.

        • Lina, they lie about anything and everything! Mine lies about shit that is totally unimportant! But in the end the lies get them. Mine said he paid the taxes. He lied! I keep getting notices from the IRS! The truth eludes them! Fantasy and reality lines blur. Assholes all of them.

    • YES! I was terrified when we first separated that I wouldn’t be able to make it financially on my own. I always let him handle our finances because I didn’t like dealing with them. I was quite surprised when I quickly got on my feet in a couple of months without his hidden financial drain. Now I’m getting full child support payments and have almost all my consumer debt paid off! I love being in control of my money and I will never hand over the reigns to anyone ever again.
      I’m reading through the final divorce decree this weekend!!! Hopefully I can finally get everything finalized in the next couple of weeks. Wish me luck. Love and healing to all of Chump Nation!

      • CRH

        It feels so good when it’s finally over! Good luck to you!

        My first year supporting myself and paying for two residences was challenging. Once I shifted my focus from the cheating asshole to myself life was so much better.

        I started dating and enjoying my new found freedom. Instead of sitting around waiting I’m hiking, working out, riding my bike, reading, redecorating, and laughing once again. Gaining a life thanks to CN.

  • Absolutely!

    We had water coming into the basement for years. It got progressively worse and I wanted to at least get an estimate to have it fixed. He wouldn’t hear of it. Since he’s been gone I’ve gotten an estimate and will be having it fixed this fall. I’m saving money.

    He bitched about shoveling snow every year but wouldn’t buy a snowblower. I’ve bought a lithium battery powered snow thrower and it’s fabulous. Worth every penny.

    Remember Christmas Clubs? I wanted to open one when we first got married. No to that too. When Christmas would come I’d buy gifts for my family (and the tree, and the food for company, etc.) and he bought for his. His money was “his” money.

    • Lina, it’s amazing isn’t it? I’m not only able to get repairs done on our house but I am able to double up on my retirement investments, save money each month for emergencies, projects and maintenance. I now have a service to mow my lawn and lo and behold, I can afford to buy some long needed new clothes!! Who knew? My ex spent the money on books galore that basically gathered dust, but we just had to keep them! He had to have any and all movie on demand channels, sports packages which can run up to almost 500.00 per season, every new tech thing that came out and the would use it once then it gathered dust! Lots of high priced clothes for him, but I had to bargain shop! I had to grocery shop with coupons and go to a variety of stores to get deals. He then proceeded to tell me one of the “reasons” he had an affair was because I was cheap and I needed to “step it up”! WTF? Anyways, his new squeeze has a huge bank account and that was all he could talk about when it came to her! Geez! Screw these idiots! I’m very content and glad he is gone. Let him blow through her money.

      • Oh, I think they’re twins!

        Sports packages and premium channels: check (he needed the sports packages to check on all teams because of his fantasy sports teams)
        Expensive clothes for him, thrift store clothes for me: check
        Bargain grocery shopping: check
        I needed to step it up: check

        OW works with him and they both make good money. I wonder if he’s happy now. Somehow I doubt it.

        • My jackass wouldn’t put a DIME into the house. I think he knew we were headed toward divorce and didn’t want it to be ‘worth’ as much. Who knows what goes through that guys head. But I was re-doing my sons room (after he had moved out, but I knew he was coming back) and asked dipshit to go to home depot on his day off and get some new vents for the room. He SCREAMED at me! “What do you need new vents for for a spare bedroom?” OMG – are you kidding me? I am asking you to purchase less than $40.00 for vents….what is the big deal? He has no problem going out and buying ANOTHER fucking $300 pool stick for his collection, but vents – to make a room in the house look nicer? You must be insane LadyStrange….
          This was just prior to fuck-phone knowledge – so at that time, he was screaming at me for everything and anything. After I found out about the sexting phone…..his behavior started to make sense.
          My dipshit would give himself a $2000 allowance a month while I paid the house payment, dish bill, cell phone bills……I am asking for that ‘allowance’ back as dissipation in the divorce. Dick!

          • YES!!!!!

            the asshole i married did not want to put any money into the house but he was perfectly fine with me working on it and putting MY money into improvements. i was paying the house payment, the gas, water and elec payments, the food and everything head to toes for the boys plus school supplies. i STILL have NO IDEA where his 2000/month paycheck was going. if i was LUCKY he would give me 400/month of that. he has nothing to show having 1600/month for over a year!!! not even counting the side jobs he had, sometimes working on someone’s else car (never worked on mine but then i didnt pay him), he was also into scrapping metal, and peeling copper wire. he was getting a lot for that crap. did i see a penny of it? NOPE. last month he yelled at me how “HE WAS WORKING 6 JOBS FOR THIS SHIT” and waving his hands to the house and yard. i was in shock. 6 JOBS AT ONCE???!!!! i ask him, then he sheepishly said (because i KNOW the truth) yes, mrsvain i had 6 jobs for money for this. i just laughed and said ok. but the truth is no not 6 jobs at once and like i said i never saw a penny out of it for over 4- 5 years.

            now the first 10 years, i took care of the finances. his and my paycheck went to a single checking account. not only were we paying all the bills on time, no late notices but we also went on several mini — weekend vacations, staying in hotels and having a blast. but he even found fault in that. because he started telling everyone that i took ALL HIS MONEY and he never had any money. even thou he would often spend 100- 200 all at once and not tell me, so sometimes shit would bounce because i over paid a bill. i never said anything except can you please tell me when you are going to spend that much and i will not make a double payment. *shrugs* nope never did and then started bitching how he works 50 hours a week and never sees any of his money. WTF!!!

            now he has all his money and never sees anything come out of it. but i hope he is happy now. i know his hood rat piece of shit oompa loompa girlfriend is VERY HAPPY, i doubt that bitch ever had any man that had money like my exhole does. one thing he is good at is making money, he just cant keep it, save it or spend it wisely. which i am certain this bitch doesnt care, as long as he spends it on her.

            SMDH, i dont understand people like that

      • The OW who I have recently learned, become the Owife has tons of money too. When I first found out about his affair I asked him if we would need to burn the bed (which was the nicest way I could think of to ask if he had sex on it with her.) he said “No, she has lots of money so she paid for motels. When her parents die she’s going to get a lot more!”

        First of all who says that to their wife after they’ve just been caught having an affair? Second of all, seriously who says that to their wife after they’ve just been caught having an affair?

        I’m with Roberta. Let him spend all her money! I am sure that’s why they had to get married so fast. He wants to get his hands on it and she better let him.

        Whatever the amount is, it was totally worth getting rid of him. I should send her a thank you card at the very least!

  • This is rich. Foraging through my memory bank, I recall emailing x’s parents after x sent me a photo of my pup (that he stole from me) bruised and with a collar on with no explanation, and would not respond to my question about WTF HAPPENED. So I emailed his parents and *accidentally* mentioned that he was living in their basement because he had been fucking a bar girl on Burgos Street. Well, that got me a pretty quick response, not about the dogs but about my vindictiveness. So I wondered for a while what the hell he told everyone about why he went from living a life of luxury in SE Asia to living in his parents’ basement again, but only for awhile. Who cares what they say? Last I heard he is back to playing drums in a local band at the age of 63 to make ends meet. Meanwhile I’m retiring in a few months with a decent pension and the world at my feet, despite the fact that he bled me almost dry in the divorce. FTG.

    • Wow. What a prize. An AARP-age drummer who lives in his parent’s basement.

      You’re so vindictive! They’ll show you… by being stuck with him?

      No tag backs!

          • hahaha, i was mean too, i didnt let him drink all night and expected accountability..silly me. i cant believe you wouldnt let his bar girl live with you!!!!

            truthfully, i think you are BAD ass, not mean at all….

        • X had to have spent over 5000 on drums. The kit expanded across the basement. Yet he was NEVER in a band. He was delusional.

          Yes to “ill show you”!! He huffed and puffed and found someone who wanted his autograph. He’s one of the bad boys now. That’s a great name for his first band. Aging Asshole Remorseless Playboys (AARP)

          • My ex was always “in a band” because despite the fact that he actually is intelligent (in terms of IQ) he is a pathetic idiot who could never hold a real job for long. He actually wasn’t a bad drummer but was constantly getting fired from gigs because he is, well, an asshole. As with all of his other so-called jobs, he quit playing long before we moved to Asia and claimed he would never do it again. LOL. And yes, he belongs to *that* AARP category for sure! Also, I doubt anyone ever asked for his autograph other than his creditors. Hah.

          • I suspect this might be one damn big band. I have an EX (complete with drum set and multiple guitars) to contribute to it. He can’t play worth crap because he thinks learning to read music is for saps (“real” musicians play by ear, you know), but he’d be willing to sign autographs and pose for pictures until he keeled over.

            • If a clarinet player is needed then my ex may well suit. He can also cover keyboard and guitar as he bought them all. He did not actually learn to play any of them…gues he was too busy playing me for a fool.
              ..

  • I really don’t know what her problem is, but there is a problem.

    He’s not terribly good at this, is he? He should have accused her of abuse or cheating. He must have skipped that chapter of PTV (Playing the Victim). Pretty sure you it is best to accuse the person who finally said no to your BS of doing what you did or worse.

    • Although, I do award him points for claiming his betrayed spouse is “manipulative”, along with her kids and church. I am just not sure who will buy into such a conspiracy, but chances are he knows his folks and has been priming them for years.

    • I was accused of abuse. I carried that bullshit around with me for ages. It was simply not true. Fuq these losers.

      • It was so bad for him he had to escape to a Budget Hotel. Yet he didn’t know what the problem was? I think even cheap hotels have mirrors.

        HM I was accused of hitting the X. I’ve never hit a person in my life. I never raise my voice my therapist asked me where my anger was. They hit and run. Toxic losers.

        • Cheater ex claimed I pulled a knife on him…..in court….under oath. The judge just looked at him with a “You have got to be kidding me.” look. She looked grimmer and grimmer as he sat there and lied his butt off. He got nothing he wanted in court. Once I got over the shock of the outrageous magnitude of his lies, it was amusing to see him get his ass handed to him on a platter.

          Amazing what they think they can get away with, isn’t it?

  • Yeah, I’m LMAO-ing on this as well. Poor whimpering, upper-lip-trembling sad sausage! His rage-infused plea for funds or he-will-move-in-with-mom-and-dad scenario just screams malignant entitlement.

  • Another basement boy. How old is this fuckwit? His idea of finances is a handout. X wanted or expected me to support him for the five months he didn’t work. He need equality time with his many girlfriends from May through August. He finally found one to fund his summertime find. She works and he plays. Good going Lady!!!

      • OMG Lady! This missive was written by a 52 year old man?!!! To his parents?!!! I thought you were a young couple – or at least I thought he was perhaps in his late 20’s or early 30’s. This has to be one of the major personality components of all of these cheaters – Unnatural and Inescapable Toddler/Adolescent Syndrome. They all seem to be stuck mentally and/or emotionally somewhere between potty training and middle school.

        I am so happy that you are putting this middle-aged Baby Huey in your rearview mirror.

        • “I am so happy that you are putting this middle-aged Baby Huey in your rearview mirror.”

          Kill myself laughing! HAHAHAHAHAHA

      • Lady

        X is 57. Sad sausages indeed. And what does he have to show for himself after giving up his life? He gets to live with a whore, no retirement, and the loss of respect from his children. Freedom has different meaning for chumps.

    • Roberta, every time I think of these whining irresponsible types whose parents have an open door policy to the bulkhead I laugh. I’ll never forget the X calling his mommy from Florida when he was 42 and asked her for the rent money while he was too busy fucking the waitress to get a real job. It’s still his dream to go back. I picture him as a greeter at walmart while piggy supports him. And he’s still in contact with his florida skank. It’s laughable now. Yup dream girl and good guy are going to have it all!!!

      • Donna, my ex is in Florida now with his Facebook Schmoopie! He is living off of her! It’s super disgusting. My attorney actually got a copy of her divorce settlement and she certainly did get a good sum of cash from her ex, but he and his lawyer were genius when it came to codicils in that agreement and once her cash is gone she is broke! My ex found out I had that copy of her divorce and he wanted to see it so badly! Apparently she wasn’t sharing that knowledge with dumbass! I literally had to sleep on her divorce decree to keep my ex from seeing it! I told him to go ask her for her copy! It drove him crazy!

        • Do they have a whore camp in Florida or something? Reverend Skankdog is in Florida. She’s a transplant.

          • It’s living the dream with all the cheaters. Whores galore. But they do drug testing for most jobs. I’m not sure what the attraction is but it’s not looks or brains.

  • “Remember I’m 3 hours ahead of you. Call me about 5 PM or 6 PM your time.”
    That would be 8 or 9 pm.. He can’t go to work so must be boinking a ho and busy before then.
    Idiot. That letter is evidence he is a baby bitch!

  • I wonder if my ex sent his dad a similar letter before moving back home to his old childhood bedroom? He certainly seems to suffer similar difficulties in getting a job.

    • You mentioned your ex moved, but did not say “home.” Hilarious envisioning the Yeti dancing in his childhood bedroom.

  • God Goddess, they really do all work from the same playbook, don’t they?

    I found out a few weeks ago that X, who will be 60 this year, was evicted from his rental for not paying rent. Not that he doesn’t have the money, mind; it’s just one of the ways he thinks he controls the narrative, by withholding money. No doubt he played the “I can’t think straight” card, too, as this was one of his favourite lines after he left. Explained and excused all bad behaviour, don’t you know……

    Now he’s moving in with his father, a fate I would not wish on my worst enemy. Oh, well, on some level they deserve to make each other’s lives hell. At least it will keep them occupied and away from the rest of us.

  • “Everyone is mean to me! And lazy, disobedient, and manipulative! All meanies, conspiring against me! Even Jesus!”

    LOL!!

  • “..rest your rage-filled head on one of those vibrating mattresses in that cheap hotel. Insert a quarter and shake all the stupid out.”

    The hotel room had better be VERY large to accommodate that much stupid shaking out.

    • Those vibrating beds’ money box was inscribed ‘Magic Fingers’—-

      Tracy, I last experienced one in the early 90’s when I had no choice to but stay at an ancient ‘motor court’ while at a horse show in Beeville, Tx….. It only vibrated VERY WEAKLY on one side– I was amazed it worked at all.

      Thanks for jogging that memory (and the memories of the thrill of Magic Fingers from my childhood)

  • It would be interesting to put all these cheaters in one room together and watch them try to out mooch each other, compare notes about their “mean ol wives, etc. Boo fuckety Hoo! I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or piss myself cause they are all so much alike! Pathetic assholes! We dodged a bullet when they left folks! Thank Heavens!

    • that is how exhole met hood rat. they were comparing notes about their “mean spouses”. she even told me “misery loves company” WOW…..well i hope he is happy now, i am sure this hood rat will stand by his side the next time he fuckes up.

    • Two of my sisters have exes that cheated on them as well. The three cheaters never liked each other until they were one by one given the boot. Now they apparently drink together all the time. Definitely a “poor me” club there.

  • Taking responsibility is just not on their radar. Shoveling it on people around them however is. My STBX is making good money, but „Mommy’ has been supplementing as long as I can remember because it has somehow never been enough at the end of the day. He has no overview, no sense of budget and buys shit impulsively. Just a huge sense of entitlement. He as well complaint about my student loan and would always refer to „my house“ and ‘I pay the mortgage and the bills“ and “You waste money” by buying expensive organic food. All the while my decent pay check went straight into the joint account for his distribution. I finally had it and separated our accounts. Now he complains about me not contributing to the family and „Mommy“ apparently had to up her contribution for him. But let me tell you, I seldom worry about not making it to the end of the month anymore and if bills get paid. Mine are getting paid and on time each month. No more harassing phone calls from debt collectors for me. Can’t wait to get that weasel out of my life.

    • Yes. Since I threw him out my credit card debt paid and I’m saving for a home. I couldn’t get ahead living with someone who spent all his money on his junk car, drums, weed,alcohol, prostiutes, porn and whores. It gets better!!

  • I wonder how much money I’ve spent over the year trying to build his dreams and make him successful. Musical equipment, studio recording sessions, clothing, vacations, trucking school (which he walked away from when it got too hard), a certification course that he’s never even tried to use to get a job….so glad it’s over.

  • That’s the thing about cheaters.You spend years of your life building their dreams and what do they do,they sleep around.I have heard so many horror stories of people funding their spouses dreams and when they finally hit it big they leave you with nothing.They don’t even reimburse you for all the effort you put in.Evil doesn’t even begin to describe adulterers.

    • I witnessed over the years wives financially supporting husbands. All but one couple have split up due to the husbands having problems with substance abuse, cheating, gambling & just being lazy good for nothing bums in general. The one couple that is still together is really sad. The wife has always been the main breadwinner but still tries to convince everyone that her husband is some great success. I cannot imagine how draining it must be to try & keep up that false front.

      • X could have made something of himself but never finished anything. He was always a wannabe. He made a lot of money but never spent a dime on me. His job is physical and he’s old and worn with broken parts, can’t hear, boring as shit and stuck in the seventies as a 16 year old. Boring as hell. I wanted an adult life. I wanted to travel and his idea of traveling was sitting at the beach looking at young girls. It’s no wonder all he could get was a bar whore who picked up a different guy every weekend. That will someday be the biggest regret if his life. But they are a better match. Don’t care anymore.

      • Grace – 7 years of Univetsity while our kids were small.

        Had to move a few times, each time giving up my job, life and friends. Sold everything – again.

        He gets his first placement in his new career and I am quickly fired as the wife appliance and reaced by Miss Piggy who he met at school.

        I was of use – until I wasn’t.

        Funny – I am starting all over from less than nothing. But at the end of each month my bills are paid and I have not suffered as much as I feared.

        I would highly recommend that anyone who has a spouse who wants to quit their job and go back to school get a prenup before they do. It is very common for somebody to go back to school and meet their “soul mate” I hear.

        I always got the story of how we were doing this for “our” future.
        Nope – he did it all for himself.

        Sitting and drinking coffee in “Mehville” this morning. Looks like a nice day 🙂

      • I see this a lot in my practice- women who have worked hard supporting their husband on his eternal search for himself, sometimes well into their 50’s

        These women have paid for advanced education, occupational training, all in hopes that some day he would ‘find himself ‘ and be a bread winner too. They looked the other way and made accommodations hoping they’d at least have a partner in name in their later life

        The trend I notice most now in so Cal that these eternal boys leave, not so much for greener pastures but for easier targets where they don’t have to even pretend to improve themselves.

        And then they sue the woman they cheated on for spousal support and she often has to pay bc in my state maintaining the financial status quo is important — even if he cheated. Even if he ran off

        So be careful of what you accept as your standard of living. You could be paying spousal support depending on your state.

    • I am certainly a member of that “willing to support the Cheater Dream” club, more’s the pity. CheaterFreak kept his day job, but the family resources and my personal resources that were expended to support his “dream” career kept us constantly scrambling for money. He began pursuing his “dream” WHILE WE WERE DATING, and here we are almost 30 years later and his dream has still not been realized. He didn’t really that work hard at his day job and one of the reasons I think he was ready to take early retirement was because they had begun demanding accountability. Who did they think they were, requiring Lord Fauntleroy to be accountable?! I believe one of the things Reverend I’MAHO has promised CheaterFreak Lord Fauntleroy is that she will make certain he finally realizes his “dream.” Hopefully she’s willing to do most of the heavy lifting. He’s not a hard worker and his frustration level tends to be low. He can fake it for awhile, but then he reverts to the whiny-assed titty-baby that he actually is. She’s more than happy to be his fan club while she still perceives me as a threat. Once they no longer have me as the common enemy, using her tongue as toilet paper and her breasts as cheering pom-poms might get a little old. I could be wrong, however. Maybe that’s her particular talent and why she’s his “twu wuv.”

    • Chump Princess
      Cheaters create such an illusion of having a better life. Their dreams are all talk. My dreams made sense and there was no logical plan to achieve his goals. Everything in my life was focused on his ever changing target. It kept us off balance and feeling crazy. Buying a home was a never ending search.
      He wanted a retirement home.
      He wanted investment property.
      He wanted a condo.
      He wanted a small house.
      We looked for years and as soon as I found what he wanted it changed.
      Finally, I put the ball in his court and told him to let me know when he had the down payment and house picked out. Instead he found a new victim who can have that shit life. He took himself with him when he walked out the door. Now it is a relief.

    • Indeed a serious Cluster B trait. Ditto: worked seasonally, mooched off his mommy, was above working a decent job so had to be self-employed, hoarded money while married and bragged about it: “When checks are made out to me personally rather than to my business, it’s so cool, I just cash them and no one is the wiser” (a court issue I am dealing with), lazy, no house repair projects, me totally responsible for bill paying and making things stretch.

      I have to say that I feel very solid in my being without him when we talk about these commonalities. Maybe I am not crazy and mean after all (as my Narc consistently mindfucked me into believing).

  • There’s absolutely no ‘cap-in-handness’. No humility. Not even a suggestion of a repayment plan. Just the completely transparent attempt to manipulate these people into believing that making a gift of money would be a good idea on their part.

    No doubt, his parents raised him to work for a living, so poor, sad sausage is ‘only trying to do the right thing’ by trying to get to work. Note how there is no concern at all about maybe putting his job on the line if he doesn’t turn up for a week. Taxi’s to work? How indulgent! How’s about getting up earlier and going ‘shank’s pony’? (walking) or, hey, here’s a whacky suggestion … what about asking for them to loan the money for a pushbike? Or, if it really is too far to walk … how about moving to a closer hotel?

    I really appreciated the classic narc move of ‘I’ll spell it out’ followed by vagaries, allusions and nyeh, nyeh, nyehing. Fantastic! Complete waste of ink IMHO.

    Oh, and I loved the ‘sorry for the inconvenience’ and the window of opportunity he gives them to call him and discuss, ahem, their need to hand over wads of cash to him.

    Actually, when you weigh it all up, LadyisaChump and his parents were gifted, gifted I tells yah to have had the honour of orbiting his fabulousness!

    • Jayne, “their need to hand over cash” is right! I would hope his parents see this for what it is worth. His first thought is of himself, no surprises there. Ie ‘My ex is no longer supporting me— wah, wah–so hhhmmmmm would you?!?!?’ No mention there of paying the money back and he gets paid every week?!? And a taxi to work!?! LMAO. Time to walk or ride a bike! The entitled are unbelievable. Under any circumstance. My ex makes over 100k/year and no longer pays me or his kids a dime, settlement was the best I could do but bottom line a joke…. Yet he’s concerned now with the way I will be taking my half of retirement? The one thing he didn’t dissipate?!? Hey let that nest egg build! I have no problem living the way I do and nobody owes me a living. It’s a great lesson to be able to stand on your own, especially when everything you worked 28 hard years for vanishes in the wake of “true love!” What is even more funny is that this POS CHOSE this!!! Fuck around on your significant other and you can bet there will be consequences. Hey, I would rather be dirt poor and working my ass off than be around any flavor of toxic. Cheaters just want to be able to fuck you over and still keep fucking you over. Hope his folks said NO.

  • Well, at least I don’t feel too bad about having spent most of my marriage working my ass off at less than great jobs so my big ass cheater could walk out the door with his PhD in his hand (really, he did)! But what a waste of my life! Then he flushed every bit of his good reputation down the toilet for a Facebook whore! WOW, just WOW! A lifetime of work for zero! But all is not lost. She gets to do the exhausting work of “helping him reach his dream”, whatever the Hell that is! I reap the benefits no matter what and she gets an idiot who at 60 years old cannot keep from overdrawing his checking account no matter how much money he has, can’t pay a bill on time and is a coward who will cheat on you when he feels you don’t appreciate his intelligence! Good luck Schmoopie. Did I mention he already had her buy him a car? And she was stupid enough to do it! Again, WOW! Mind boggling! I wonder how long it will be before he spends every dime she has?

  • I love how he tries playing this entire email as if it’s anything other than just “give me some fucking money, now!”.

    Because that’s all it is. He could’ve skipped the rest and just cut to the root of the contact and saved everyone some time and saved the UBT the exhaustion. Lol.

    As we discussed in the forums on this topic, the covert Forrest creature cheaters love to apply vague, smoke & mirror type accusations that “something’s off” with you but they just can’t say what….not now….maybe later…let me get back to you in a few days on what it is that’s wrong with my spouse….but in the meantime, can I have that money?

  • Classic passive-aggression and bush-beating, when it could be summed up with “Give me money now or I’ll have a tantrum!!!”
    What the fuck is wrong with people. I’m so fucking tired of passive-aggressive shit from people – just dealt with some a bit earlier today, where I was the ‘newbie’ in a particular place, made a comment and the ‘queen bee’ of their group unloaded a comment of “You don’t know us so back off”. I snarkily replied with “What a welcome THAT was” and I get a face full of “Some people are so spineless, tsk”. Fucking worthless pigs – sure as hell won’t be going back there again!

    • And isn’t it funny that he hasn’t made the connection yet?!?! Fuck around. Consequences. Doesn’t get any better.

  • This post was funny as hell. Virtual high five to CL on another hilarious UBT, and Lady, you are some kinda fierce. Good on you for getting rid of this assclown as quickly as you did. I only wish I could hack into his parents’ email to see how they respond (assuming they do).

    Did anybody else find this line as ridiculous as I did? ” [I am so] tired of those boys of hers.” It reminded me of that line all the Scooby Doo villains used to say at the end when they were busted. “And we would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids.” lol

    From the sounds of it, any random dude on a street corner would be a better role model for your boys than this loser. Taxi to work? Ever heard of public transit? WTF!

  • My ex graced me this morning with the “poor me” attitude. You guys decribed it many times, I had never seen it so far. It is so hard for me to let him go, as it is hard for all of us to let go of our dreams of a life with the partner we had chosen.
    His beloved place, the appartment where he decided to retreat without me all week for a year now, is a dreadful mess because he cannot build DIY furniture, I was always the one who did everything.
    I watched him rummaging through book shelves to remove his books and put them in his car, the very books that seduced me in the first place 15 years ago, he was a quiet guy who loved books. Why did he change ? I loved him so much with all his faults, am I being too hard ?
    And then while I watched, he checked his phone, and this was a trigger, a reminder of the nighmare he put me through these past years.
    Last night at the church, the priest said,” we had many tough decisions, my family and I chose every single time, to close the door and throw away the key and always move forward. We have two choices: move forward, or move forward”.
    Oviously my ex considers adultery as a “mistake” and the second time, taking a platonic (really ?) 2-week holiday with a single woman, as “nothing wrong”. My guts tell me differently.
    Time to move forward.

  • Right. I’m 23. I read this and I was irritated. I thought why the hell is this man asking his parents what he should do??? Even I wouldn’t write such a pathetic email to my parents. He sounds soooo stupid.In addition to cheating this is a good reason to dump him too! I just can’t get over how pathetic and childish he sounds. My goodness. I have no words

  • That was the weirdest thing I have read written by an adult. It wasn’t intended to be fiction. Good thing this dude is soon your X.

  • And he considers himself a talented writer (one of the things that hooked me 7 years ago). In reality he was just re-writing “The Razors Edge” and calling it his book. This letter is an embarrassment to me that I ever considered him talented.

    On a side note…I have a job interview on Monday. And he’s still sobbing into his Vibe-O-Matic and waiting for that handout to be “offered” to him. And no, the direct deposit he insisted would be in effect yesterday never showed up. Just another lie.

    Goodbye loser! Hope you enjoy ramen noodles and not wearing clean clothes.

  • CN please help me stay focused and grounded – I have set a cat among the pigeons of our financial negotiations in mediation in the form of a scary divorce lawyer. I have had my ex hyperventilating on the phone to me about how I am wasting more time and money by not just coming to an agreement with the mediator as mentor. The guy has promised to be fair and reasonable and wants to know how much longer I intend to “drag this on”.
    He done the whole range of rage/poor me with a weak attempt at the charm that has lost its manipulative power. To my surprise I felt myself succumbing to the poor me routine – the man sounded tortured and kept on wailing “I’ll be fair”. I am almost tempted to set it to music – to be sung to the tune of Michael Jacksons ” I’ll be there”.
    “I’ll be fair – I”ll be fair – just call off that lawyer and I”ll be fair……..just keep looking over your shoulder honey”.
    He had me down for the guillible little fool he ran rings around for years – the one who done a lot of shouting but was all bark and no bite.
    I just need a little moral support from you lot not to blink first in this game of poker.

    • Mary … NO CONTACT! Have him poor sausage whine to your scary lawyer! easiest quickest way to win your freedom.

    • Don’t blink! I will be dealing with this soon. I’ve been trying to bolster my confidence until I file. He’s gonna go nuts when he’s forced to split the finances he controls. Anyway… Here’s how I think of it: He didn’t care about you or your feelings. He made every decision with himself in mind. He only feels sorry for HIS loss, not your pain. He’s a liar and a cheater; he doesn’t know what it means to be “fair”. Just know that you’ve finally got him by the balls and enjoy the show. He will switch to rage mode soon enough.

    • Mary, what’s stopping him from being fair if you have the lawyer? If he wants to be fair and get things done quickly, he can do it. Keep the lawyer, it’s working.

      I suspect, however, that his definition of fair is different from yours. Otherwise you wouldn’t even need a mediator, he would just sign off on whatever your lawyer suggests.

    • I think mediation is probably not the best option for most chumps who are divorcing cheating exes. And I agree that your ex’s definition of fair may look nothing like yours…

    • The mediator is not supposed to be a mentor. the mediator is simply supposed to facilitate an agreement between both parties. However, you will not reach a good settlement for yourself unless you clear on what you want to achieve as a final financial result. In mediation, you might not even know your cheaters accurate financial status.

      If it takes a lawyer, that’s great. I hope you’ve seen a divorce financial planner too to work through all of your possible scenarios.

      I hear this a lot — ‘I want to be fair or I don’t want to seem like a gold digger – or the implication you’re a bad person’ you’re throwing away our children’s college fund by not having a speedy mediation.’

      I’m not sure why so many chumps take this bait. Perhaps years of gaslighting make us not trust our own best interests.

      Marriage is about love. Divorce is about money and your financial future hangs in the balance. I encourage you to do all you can to protect yourself from his manipulation

  • Mary I understand the need for moral support. I would have NEVER had the nerve to confront Handout Boy without the knowledge and support of CN. I understand wanting to believe that he’s going to be fair. But he isn’t ever going to be fair because YOU aren’t fair to him. You don’t let him do who he wants (multiple partners and you), you don’t let him have freedom (to shack up with others yet keep the image of family man going with you), in a nutshell you are unfair for not giving him CAKE. I didn’t fully understand who my husband really is until I found this website and learned the Unified Theory of Cake. Up until last week I believed in the Timid Forest Creature and FOO crap that he and MC have been feeding for years. Of course it kept me tied up in the skein for years trying to figure why, why, WHY? Which relieved him of the responsibility of figuring out his issues. I even capitulated to his demand a month ago (the same time he started hiding assets) that I go to a 12 step group for my issues (married to a sex addict). I went faithfully every week. He went to one stinking meeting and said it was “weird”.

    So don’t blink and PLEASE don’t believe that he’s being honest. He’s lying to you again like he always has. Go no contact and let your lawyer be the only form of communication.

  • Mary, remember, you get only one bite at the apple during a divorce. Make it a big, solid bite. Your ex, not unlike mine and the others here, has NO intention of being fair. You must think about your future now and what you need to go forward. Don’t entertain his whining! As Drew stated earlier, “he CHOSE this”! The very best advice I got was from my therapist. I told her I felt powerless. She told me it was quite the opposite. I “owned” my ex and his Schmoopies future with the power of “NO”! Dig deep, tune him out when he whines, find some grit and for the first time in this adulterous situation, you get a vote! Use it wisely, but take a page out of his book, think only of yourself! Seems selfish to you? On the contrary, he and his Schmoopie didn’t give you a minutes thought when they decided to engage in an illicit affair! You are viewed as just one more stumbling block to their “Twu wuv”! Don’t listen to the BS! It’s an act! Just like all the lies and crap he piled on before! I know it’s emotionally and physically, not to mention, financially draining, but stick to your guns and wring out of this selfish ass what is rightfully yours!! You won’t regret it. And remember, every time he uses the word “fair”, it usually means it is to his advantage! These dysfunctional, selfish toddler types know nothing of fairness! Tell him to go cry on his Schmoopies shoulder, your too busy shouldering all the responsibility of a true adult for his whiny baby shit!

  • Mary

    Fair. Affair. You are grounded. The fact is that he tortured you!!! Think of yourself in the divorce settlement.

    When I went to court I met another chump who was spending tons if money to keep her X from keeping their second home in florida because she didn’t want the OW and him to live together. It was worth much less than the mortgage and she was getting the home they lived in worth much more. She had the better deal.

    The point is get what’s best for YOU. There are trade offs but you don’t have to be kind. Do you have an attorney?

    Knowing what’s important for your own future and well being is worth standing up for. Know your bottom line.

    During our negotiations I sat tall and confident. I knew exactly what I wanted and what the most important thing to him was. I dangled it like a carrot and he finally caved. He did get what he wanted however temporary. He gets to stay on my health benefits until I change jobs or until I get married. X knew I had evidence of multiple affairs with phone records, and plane tickets/hotel receipts with multiple OW he took to Florida over the years. To the same hotel mind you.

    Be fair to yourself. Dig your heels in fir what’s important and use whatever you have to get what you NEED for your future. Smile an throw the dog a bone to get more. Trade the small stuff and hold your ground. You are mighty.

    • Mary, Jedi hugs, I am going through a similar thing.

      I found out about his Narcness’ affair in August 2014. We have been negotiating using the collaborative divorce since Sept 2014. I could go on and on about all the things he’s tried in and outside the divorce meetings.

      All that matters coming from him is his actions, not his words. Stay focused on what is BEST FOR YOU. Here are things I would have done differently if I had found CN earlier:

      1) Get together with your lawyer and get answers about what you are entitled by law for each of the assets you share with your cheater. Then on your own, decide which issues are the most important to you, and a few where you can make compromises YOU can live with to show that you understand you have to make some compromises in the divorce process.

      2) If you have kids, outline the best plan for your kids. My advice is to go straight for a parallel parenting plan, I have come to accept that is it impossible to co-parent with my STBX – http://www.chumplady.com/2014/10/how-to-co-parent-with-a-narcissist/

      Before I found CN, I was walking in the dark. This website and CL’s book have been eye opening, and have prevented me from making many costly mistakes, thanks you CN anc CL, and Mary, keep reading and forge on!

      FAIRNESS ended the moment he chose to end your marriage by sleeping with someone else. Switch to email and text communication, and completely stop any spoken contact with your STBX apart from during divorce meetings with third parties.

      This has been invaluable as I know have documentation about who he really is. I read CL’s 3 Channels of Mindfuckery before every session (http://www.chumplady.com/2014/09/the-mindfuck-channel-only-has-three-stations/) and write out everything that is said during the session. This simple step has helped me stay grounded and not get triggered by what crazy shit my Narc brings up during negotiation meetings.

      I keep reminding myself that I am negotiating the end of a contract (a marriage with a cheating lying coward), and the start of another contract (divorce agreement, aka MY springboard to MEH).

      Know what is most important to you, and forge on as you head to MEH!

  • Mary and all the CN ladies who are waivering on this “fairness” bullshit. I have a sad story and a cautionary tale for those of you who have “soft, gushy feeling for your adulterous spouses! I got a call from my oldest sister last night. She called to tell me that my other older sister was dead! Let me tell you a bit about her life. She married in her thirties, her ex cheated on her. She had no children. She also wanted to be “fair” during her divorce although he made it clear that he was a tightwad asshole. She worked all her life and throughout that marriage and blindly handed her paycheck to him. She managed to get a bit back in the divorce ten years later. She was broken hearted. She ran on her emotions instead of doing the “stubby pencil” drill and extracting from this cheater what was rightfully hers. Fast forward, she lived in a crummy little house with her cat. No air conditioning, her medical care was state assisted. When we found her she had been dead for two days! She would have been 64 years old in July. She left behind her cat and three sisters. Once the coroner left, announcing to us that she had died peacefully in her sleep of natural causes, we began the task of searching through her paperwork for some direction. She had a bank account with 1.88 in it. She has an income from SS for 900.00 a month, but she borrowed from a check cashing place 1,000.00 a month! Her car insurance had been cancelled the month before! Now we will bury her as best we can afford. She had NO life insurance, she couldn’t afford it! If she had fought harder during her divorce to actually get what she had rightfully coming to her she would have been fine rather than living hand to mouth! But she just wanted to run from the pain and embarrassment of his infidelity! Please, please, please, I beg all of you, do NOT run! Meet these cheaters head on and plant your feet firmly! DO NOT end up like my sister! And the obvious here, Do you think her ex husband gives a shit? Think about it folks! It is a consequence to the cheater, but it’s your very life and lifestyle at stake. They have stolen enough from you, time to think of yourselves and your future! I apologize if this is a downer, but this could be your reality if you don’t stand up for yourself!

    • Roberts I’m so sorry about your sister. It’s so heartbreaking. We never knew we were signing up for such heartless abuse. Such sadness.

      • Thank you Donna. My sister had a heart of gold, but her cheater just destroyed her during her divorce and she just wanted to run to stop the pain! We all know what that’s like and that’s the point of my post. These fuckers have ice running through their veins and all they want is for the betrayed spouse to walk away! They do NOT love you, they DO not care how you’ll get by in the future and they certainly have NO intention of being fair! You have GOT to find a backbone, place your emotion and heartbreak aside and get down to YOUR needs, the needs of the children left behind and your financial future! It is “all business”! What’s the bottom line? I know for a fact that my ex and his whore worked the numbers from my investments and assets many times, but I never gave an inch! I told him that I would stand my ground for what I earned and worked for in this marriage and he would be in a wheelchair and his HO in a walker by the time they said “I do” if necessary! It took me a year, but that Motherf****r finally folded in mediation! And remember folks, the paramour is squeezing these bitches from the other side too! These Schmoopies want what you earned and they do not care if you have anything! DO NOT LET SELFISH EVIL ASSHOLES DETERMINE YOUR FUTURE! They have already muddied your memories, turned your dreams into shattered glass and basically shit on you! ENOUGH! Use the power of “NO”! Remember, know what you need, know what you want and stand your ground! It’s a negotiation, nothing more! It is finite and it WILL end. How well it ends is entirely up to you! Remember my sister, her cheating asshole knew her all too well and he just annihilated her! Yes, her pain from having to deal with him stopped, but everyday was a struggle to stay afloat ! Learn from her situation! She would want that for each and everyone of you! Now, sharpen your stubby pencils and get down to it!!!

        • Roberta, I am so very sorry to hear about your sister, and I can’t imagine the pain your family must be going through right now. Huge hugs to you, and thank you for sharing these mighty words. I’ve always looked for your posts, but this one–BAM. It is an incredible way to honour your sister, and CN is lucky to have such a powerful voice. Blessings to you and your family.

          • Thank you FooledMeTwice. I appreciate your condolences. My sister was of great help to me during my divorce and my diagnosis and subsequent surgeries for lung cancer. She was the person who warned me about mixing my emotions with what was essentially a business deal to end my marriage. She matter of fact told me she had “run” from the battle and her scars healed, but she had to live each day struggling to just pay her meager rent and bills. She told me that she wanted better for me out of my divorce. Trust me, the day before my mediation I was curled in a ball depressed as Hell! I finally snapped out of it thanks to her! She was mighty in her own right! Never complained and lived a joyful life in spite of everything! I know in my heart of hearts that it would thrill her to know that I am passing on the same advice she gave me. She lived it! She survived in spite of her circumstances and she was content! But she knew it could have been easier had she not played into her emotions. Something her cheating husband counted on! Dig deep folks! Find that fighter inside you and fight for yourselves! Make my sister proud! It would delight her I am sure!

        • My beautiful mother was abused by my narcissist father for years. She stayed. It cost her her life and traumatized me and my siblings.

          Two valuable books to read are, The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Women Who Love Too Much.

          I was so careful in staying clear of men like my father. I raised my daughters to stay clear of abusive men. And there I sat for 41 years of my life with a narcissist through and through. He was nothing like my father. There are different types of narcissists. Cheating was the first red flag.

          CN is so important for this reason. Regardless of your age recognize cheating as a boundary crossed. It is ABUSE. When you tally up the reasons for staying you are signing up for MORE abuse. There will be ups an downs when you leave. That will subside when you leave and the chaos is out of your life. The pain will be great but WORTH it once you can step away and see things clearly. It’s never to late. I would have stayed for the rest of my life had I not found a therapist with knowledge about narcissistic abuse and Chump Nation.

          Two things my mother repeatedly said throughout her abusive relationship with my father said it all.

          1. Why would he do this to me?
          2. I can’t believe he….

          If these questions define your life the answers are clear. He/she does it because they are abusive assholes and it will get worse. And BELIEVE it. it’s there. It’s what they do mixed with small ACTS of kindness. It’s mindfucking crazy making. Their actions are contradictory. It’s a pattern of he loves me he loves me not. Don’t settle. Get out. You will heal.

          • Donna, I love your comments, too. You tell it like it is, with no sugar coating. I just absolutely can’t stomach the stuff you read from cheaters and on the reconciliation blogs. I just feel really bad for the people that are being treated like shit, and STILL say stuff defending the damn cheater. I know, cause I did it myself.

            The cheaters need to come down off the damn pedestal they get put on, and treated like the turds they are. That goes for the “other women” as well. The betrayed spouses just seem to glamourize the whores as much as the rest of society. She’s younger, she’s prettier, she’s skinnier, she’s more interesting, she’s the best screw ever. Well, from what I’ve seen of real life cheaters, this just isn’t the case. The main question is always “What does she have that I don’t?” Short answer here: no morals and a revolving door crotch about sums it up. Yet, the poor b.s. just can’t get this.

  • THIS! Remember that if you kick his ass then you kick Schmoopies ass by association to your cheater! These paramours aren’t hanging with these over 60 losers because they are handsome and great lovers! Hell no! These bitches smell “assets” the way a dog sniffs out a bone! Remember, those are at least one-half your assets too! Claim them!

  • Mary a married man that ejaculates in an adultress is not a fair man.A man that lies and cheats is not a fair man.A man that lives with another woman while married to you is not fair.A man that can break up his kids home is not fair.I man that doesn’t repent,regret and acknowledges the wrong he has done to his family is not fair.A man that cannot see how he has robbed your future,hopes and dreams is not fair.A man that can destroy a home you built together is not fair.A man that rants and raves about divorce settlements while you are trying to pick up the pieces of what you have left is not fair.A man that wants a mediator for a ‘fair’ settlement is probably worrying more about himself.Worrying more about him and his adultress future.If he was fair he would leave with only the clothes on his back.What do cheaters know about fair when the whole basis to their selfishness is Entitlement.He’s a stinking corpse bury him!

    • Love this Grace!! They should be humble and ashamed of their cowardly abusive discard. Yet they cry false tears of fairness like a fuckkng 5 year old. The gig is up. All chumps on deck. Fuck the baby man there’s a nation behind you!

  • Grace, well said! And I agree with every word in your post! Wake up Betrayed spouses! If after the divorce the cheater realizes his transgressions then fine, but this is rare! They haven’t made some “little mistake” and many of them will step over your body to leave! Get your act together and drop your Hopium pipe! Get real, get legal and get what you earned and need! I know it sounds crass, but trust me, you are dealing with the most underhanded, evil
    People in the world when dealing with cheaters! Survival of the fittest!

  • You guys rock too.I agree too with what you said,Roberta.This man knows you Mary.He knows what buttons to push to make you cave and play on your emotions.He probably knows you still care about him.He knows how to manipulate you.Don’t think cheaters won’t use what they know about you against you.When they are whoring around the last thing on their mind is you.To them you don’t exist.And even now when they are divorcing you,your needs don’t exist.How you make ends meat is your problem.In their mind you caused them to cheat and you must pay the consequences.It amazes me how betrayed spouses can trust their cheaters when it comes to divorce settlements,when all their actions have proven to the contrary.You trusted them in marriage and they screwed you over.Trust them with divorce and guess what screwed over again.They just love screwing,don’t they?

  • @Roberta:

    My sincere condolences to you on the loss of your obviously very lovely sister. I hope you can feel the big bear hug I am wrapping around you. You have been such a source of inspiration to me that I wish I could be there to stand beside you and hold your had IRL. Please know that I am with you lifting you up in spirit.

    @Grace:

    You are a sage and I love your words. You are constantly speaking my feelings. Your posts are always full of insight and razor-sharp clarity. Much appreciation and love to you.

    @Mary:

    Stay strong. Do not waiver. Before therapy started to take hold and before I found CL and CN, I wavered, tried to be fair and STBX took the shit he had already deposited on me and smeared it around and then shit some more. I hold a subordinate position in the legal field and have for years, so in the beginning of this divorce saga when the POS STBX suggested mediation, even though I was doubled up in pain and anguish, I told him Hell to the Fucking No. I had complete clarity on that one issue – I would under no circumstances go into mediation with someone who had not honored nor upheld not a single commitment or promise which he had ever made to me.

    My STBX, too, kept playing the “I’ll be fair” tune (love that take on the Michael Jackson song, by the way. Brilliant!) on his one string guitar. He played it for me and was playing it for all it was worth with the children and anyone else who would listen to him. Meanwhile, I found out later, that he was conspiring to figure out a way to deprive me of half of his pension (we have been married over 27 years) and to unload most of the debt to me. I have stood strong and watched as he defaulted on the mortgage, quit his job, lied about his relationship with his whore, etc. I have remained stoic, committed and unyielding. It has been a difficult road and he has, on more than one occasion come to me with his poor sausage routine. It can be very seductive since I have loved this jerk for most of my adult life. But I keep reminding myself that he never really cared about me and WHENEVER he talks to me it is to explore an angle, gain an advantage, cause me harm or all of the above.

    Mary, when your STBX is talking to you repeat over and over, “He is not my friend. He is not my friend.” You can analyze that later as real friends don’t lie to you, cheat on you, maliciously manipulate you for their own advantage, etc. I have never been less than kind to my STBX but I keep uppermost in my mind whenever I have to deal with him for any reason that he is not my friend.

    Big, Big Hugs to you Mary. Listen to Roberta, Grace and the rest of CN. As I have constantly reminded the POS STBX, “You caused this shit to happen. Deal with it. I’ve got nothing but love for you Dude. Now step away.”

    • Thank you Chump Princess. Appreciate the words and only hope my message gets read by all Chumps who are on the fence and gives them a chance to rethink their “pity” for a cold blooded cheater!

  • @Chump Princess,thanks for the kind words.You have also been a blessing to me.It was posts like yours and so many others that made me realise I wasn’t missing out on much being with a cheater.They are so common. @Roberta.Your wit and passion are a breathe of fresh air.Your sister was a mighty woman and so are you. And there are so many others Tempest,Glad its over,TheBetterJamie,The Clip,DM,Irish,etc.Everyone here as impacted on my life.Thanks Chump Lady.

  • Grace, we are all glad to motivate you, but IMHO Chumplady deserves the standing ovation for keeping this site going and exposing us to the real monsters behind the masks! Let’s face it, without her clarity we were all stumbling around in the dark with the Hopium pipes stuck in our mouths asking the “wrong” people what bus just hit us! And of course, those NOT really helpful people convinced us that the bus didn’t hit us, WE HIT THE BUS ON OUR OWN!! Worse yet, we believed that shit!! So, a standing ovation to Chumplady and Thank You a million times over for carrying us when we could barely walk on our own !

    • Yes, YES!!!

      I was on the hopium, and was a hapless victim of cliched mentality. I thought I had to forgive, I thought I had to be friends For the Children, I thought maybe It Takes Two, or that cheating was an anomaly of his otherwise decent character.

      I am so thankful to Tracy for this forum, and for this community for sharing in the healing and of each of us. Carry on my chumpy friends! Love you all.

      • You are so right, Miss Sunshine. I just honestly think that a marriage can ever be right once one of the spouses goes out whoring. There isn’t anything you can do to make it right. Even if they change, it’s still not right. My ex acted like a demonic prick when he was running around with the Whore. Is there any way to get past that? There wasn’t for me, though God knows I tried. And that is not a shortcoming on my part like they want you to believe. Anybody that wants to stay with a cheater is welcome to, but why bother? It will never be right. You are attempting to fix
        the unfixable.

      • I think when my ex’s whore was advising him on the ways of marriage and women, cause she’s such an expert, she forgot to tell him how much Non Whores hate your guts after you cheat on them. He seemed genuinely surprised.

  • Of course,that goes without saying.I don’t think there are enough words to describe all the good work she has done.Her articles are priceless.Her knowledge,clarity,wit,insight are astounding.She is the wake up call that we all need.Her life is testimony that when you leave a cheater you indeed gain a life

    • Chump Lady saved my soul. There were many days when I didn’t think I would make it and I gained strength daily thinking there was real hope in sight after being discarded by the sociopath. I suffered in silence for so many years accepting the responsibility for his actions. It’s over. I’m divorced. No contact. I am finally free. I found my strength and support here along with Tuesday. Meh is within reach.

  • Hmmmm. Schmoopie (who earns bucket loads as a corporate accountant while I worked for no salary in “our”business while also bringing up three children pretty much single handed) talked about how she would semi-retire and play tennis when she moved from the “big city” to our farm. Hey bitch! That farm is half mine. And we have three kids who are ahead of you in that queue. Deluded. So fucking deluded.

    That mooching. That email. I thought it was my 45 year old brother! Passive aggressive, whiney arsehole he is! He also writes like Lady’s ex. Weird! My even younger brother and I just shake our heads in utter disbelief at the patheticness. Yup. No such thing as problem solving. Hey. Move closer. Get a bus. Borrow and buy a second-hand bike. Fuck it, HITCH!!! My (loser) father did something similarly embarrassing when broke. I was mortified. Asked his 92 year old pensioner mother (whom he’d already cleaned out of her retirement investments earlier, ugh) to send money because he couldn’t even afford a shaver. Poor sausage. I thought, how much is a packet of disposable razors these days? His answer? Oh, I’ve never shaved with a razor. I had to buy an electric shaver. Yup. I could have slapped the fucker! Worst part? She sent the money. Every time I wonder how come my youngest brother and I are “normal” – and had a superb mother – and middle child is such a loser. Bingo! Dad!

  • Let’s face it Horsesrcumin, cheaters are all made from the same mold! They are predictable, pathetic and common! I read these posts and I am propelled at nearly rocket speed to meh! These fucktards make my ass tired!! I cannot believe I endured four decades with that user loser. I should have bought stock in spackle! I’d be rich! I am actually tickled to death that Schmoopie has to deal with him now. I giggle just thinking about the dumb things he does and how Schmoopie must be wondering about now how she can shake loose of this idiot! I should have made it clear that I do NOT accept returns! Ha! Ha! Ha! Let them go and take their Twu wuv down the drain with them! She wanted Mr. Sparkles so bad!

    • I love your comments, Roberta. That is what people should think about people who cheat on them. NOT the mamby pamby He’s a good person, I trust him, I forgive him crap that you hear everywhere else. I wish I’d dumped the Cheater immediately. He is not a good person, he’s a whore. And a sorry lay at that.

  • Notjuliet, yep! They think so highly, in their own minds of course, of themselves and then they go and sell themselves, their reputation and everything else so cheaply to the first whore who will screw them and tell them how beyond fabulous they are! Geez! I figure it this way, if my ex was that hard up and that easily manipulated, then he’s an absolute delusional dumb shit! She can have him! And ditto on wishing I had kicked his ass out on day one! What a waste of my precious time! If he only knew how fucking ridiculous he looks to people he would cry with shame! But Schmoopie has him convinced we will all just “adjust” to his new lifestyle! Ummmm….. NO! We have morals! He’s on his own now and broke! Good luck Asswipes and thanks for all the assets! Have a nice life in fantasy land!

  • I never heard the term “domestic theft” but I just Googled it and BINGO! That’s been the last 7 years of my life. So grateful to God that this man has been removed from our lives. Deo gratias!

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