Dear Chump Lady:
I was recently on your pages reading about cheaters without remorse. I am a serial cheater – at least four times with at least four different women and I want to give your readers some insight into why I cheated on my wife, the way I felt about it and why I’m without remorse.
I was married at 22 and my wife was 21. My wife was extra-ordinarily beautiful (the marriage was normal and the sex was alright). She wanted to get out of the work force and become a stay-at-home mom. She had a picture of traditional male/female roles in a marriage. We had our first child a year after getting married. But I became bored with the marriage within a couple of years. I became overwhelmed with the additional responsibility of being a father and housework (more than half of the house work), child care, maintenance, repairs and gardening etc. I still loved my wife, but started to fall out of love. She wanted additional children but I didn’t. Despite my wishes she stopped the birth control pills, and got pregnant again. Twin boys arrived about 7 months later. I actually started cheating before the twins were born.
I certainly didn’t love the other women. They were younger and also attractive, but I was really in it (the cheating that is) to get the sexual fix. I didn’t worry who was going to get hurt. I knew that I was eventually going to dump these women. All I wanted was the sex, and I found it all too easy to pick up women starting with just a simple compliment. It seems their heart, ears and vaginas are all connected. I found them all desperate for the attention and they didn’t worry at all that I was married. I always wore my wedding ring.
I found cheating addicting. You see it, you want it and you have to have it (the conquest that is). Just like candy in a candy store. And don’t tell me that women don’t dress provocatively or actively encourage it. They do. They like the attention and want more. But from your readers’ perspective, I can attest to the fact that a cheater does not feel guilt or remorse. It’s the thrill of having another woman; another conquest. The real problem for the cheater is having to deal with the fallout when you get caught. At that point it is all damage control. I didn’t regret the affairs. I regretted all of the work having to ameliorate my wife; trying to patch things up. I hated that part. Certainly didn’t feel sorry for the affair, except for one occasion which I will come to. I always figured she would take me back and think me a bastard, but I was right on that account.
I eventually gave up on my marriage and decided to leave for a very pretty but spacy 21 year-old. She had originally been a babysitter to my kids. I know it absolutely crushed my wife emotionally for the rest of her life. I could see it in her face and eyes, but somehow I didn’t respond to it due to the anger surrounding the divorce. I didn’t want to reconcile. My ex-wife and I eventually divorced. The affair with the OW lasted maybe 6 months. It is only now that I am 70 years old that I feel sadness about what I did to her when I reflect on my life.
My wife, I think tried to have a revenge affair with an ex-boyfriend shortly after we separated, but that lasted about one month. Her parting shot aimed at me was that he had a bigger package than I had, but my parting retort was I didn’t care. I think it was at that exact point she realized that any possibility of restoring the marriage was over and she had to let me go. She never dated or had another affair after that.
However, after the divorce I became a free-wheeling very eligible single divorcee (early 30’s) and vowed never to re-marry. I went through a long string of romances and short and long relationships, holding out the unspoken promise of commitment, but being very careful not to ever fall in love. Broke lots of hearts but I didn’t care.
She had a difficult life raising the three kids on her own. She managed to get them all through high school (just 12 years after the divorce) at which time she died of stomach cancer. By that time I lost any bonding I had with the twins and most of my bonding with my daughter. They are all grown now of course and in their early 40’s but when seeing them it’s like meeting with simple acquaintances.
You can tell I am somewhat sorry for what happened now, but that was more than 35 years ago. You might think I am now remorseful, but no, not really. It is not that I have forgiven myself either, since I don’t see it as something I need to forgive. It is my life’s story, and that’s life.
I now know that my cheating is a character flaw that I am unable to control. It may even be genetic since my mother, two sisters and two brothers are all serial cheaters. My father lived a miserable life because of it. As I explained I am much older now (70), and in a relationship (not even common law) with another woman (quite attractive 54 year-old) and with whom I have a fourth child (now 19 and in 1st year university). But I am still tempted to wander; still tempted to cheat. Yes I live alone, I look at porn, Ashley Madison, personals on Craigslist, and Plenty of Other Fish. I am sorry to say the social media makes connecting with women and cheating way too easy. There are hundreds of women I would love to meet, and they are all looking for love. Easy targets. As a serial cheater it is easy to predict, that there is going to be a huge explosion of infidelity just lurking over the horizon. It’s also easier to get caught and probably going to drive the divorce statistics through the roof. That is my story.
Serial Cheater
Dear Serial Cheater,
Just wow.
Occasionally cheaters write to me and perhaps unwittingly prove my points about Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse. Boy, and the unicorns think I’m cynical? Thanks for the sociopathy public service announcement.
Chumps, I’m taking the day off. Have at it.
dear SC
You’re a dickhead.
Enough said.
He calls himself a serial cheater?!! He’s a Sociopath. Big difference. No remorse and no conscience …. Forever in Hell.
I would say that 99.9% of serial cheaters are either sociopaths or narcissists–no conscience or empathy in either of them.
Amen to that Tempest!!! Couldn’t agree more!
Refreshingly honest. I know quite a few people like this, but few would admit it,like this guy.
Yes. serial cheaters are invariably sociopaths.
Reminds me of this quote from Jekyll and Hyde:
“To cast in my lot with Jekyll, was to die to those appetites which I had long secretly indulged and had of late begun to pamper. To cast it in with Hyde, was to die to a thousand interests and aspirations, and to become, at a blow and for ever, despised and friendless. The bargain might appear unequal; but there was still another consideration in the scales; for while Jekyll would suffer smartingly in the fires of abstinence, Hyde would be not even conscious of all that he had lost”.
They don’t care because they are conscience of what was lost. This man lost a good woman and his children…and yet… and yet…When one is not interested in human connection can one lose anything?
A+ for this ^^^^^ Well said and exactly on point!!!!
I agree. Excellent quote. It captures exactly how i think of these folks. I would see it time and again in the criminals I represented. They do not suffer or consider, at all, the things they are losing. It is not a loss to them.
i think we need to somehow comfort ourselves with the thought that the future may be nleak for him, but, it very well may not be. It does not cause him pain that he lost his relationships. Hemay not die alone, but might just die peacefully, rich and adored by some victim.
i think it js tough to accept that good things do happen to bad people, even moreso than the reverse.
Going through life as a Sociopath presents myriad opportunities for the Sociopath to flourish. Withiut the constraints of a conscience, one could get away with all types of things that provide creature comforts. Many, many of yhese folks prosper as they either walk a very fine line, legally without regard to morality, which frees them up to do all types of evil, profitable things.
And, only a fraction of those committing crimes are ever caught,IMO.
This guy is a monster, no doubt. But, he may very well reach the end of his life having banked more pleasure and prosperity because he is one.
Is his denial about not caring really a defense mechanism? Not that it really matters.
// , This is the best comment I have read on this site, PigletWiglet. Where have you been?
It’s pretty easy to brag about being a total douche when cloaked in anonimity…
And the kennedys, MLK, were assassinated , Lindbergh yeah we know his heroics, and his demise. False equivalency to the common every day sociopaths – like the OP.
Jfk,Mlk, et all, included, Tempest. Not that I disagree. Charles Lindbergh had a secret,second famiky and was doing two European sisters. Big funerals. Adoring public for these guys, among others.
You’re a douche old, man! There’s a special place in hell for people like you and the women who get sucked in by your sociopathic personality.
Hey whoa buddy, the women who get sucked in by these sociopaths are mostly the women on this website: chumps. Wanna not victim blame? Because those women are victims. He preys on women who are specifically looking for love because they are “easy targets”.
Someone (WC Fields?) , said “You cannot Cheat an Honest Man”. this would seem to apply to the women he cheated with while married, unless he lied to them re his status. If not, they are not victims, but predators, themselves.
Are you that naive to think a sociopath would be honest with the OW right off the bat? I wouldn’t be surprised if the women didn’t know about each other initially until it was too late, and they were already sucked in. I was the main girlfriend at first, and then unknowingly became the OW, and neither I or the new girlfriend had any knowledge of each other’s existence until I stumbled onto her online profile.
Are you so naive as to believe that there are not plenty of women out there who think nothing of infringing on another woman’ s marriage? Get real, the vast majorith of OW anOM knowingly engage in tnese affairs.
Yup.And plenty of men too.In your case at least.But then again.I heard countless stories where the women didn’t even the d-bag is married.
OP Original Poster. I see that 99.5% of the posts in this thread are going to be attacks on the messenger, while the message gets either misinterpreted or missed completely. The Message is this: many people who have experienced infidelity in their marriage try like hell to salvage what they can by dragging their cheating partners to a marriage counselor, and hopefully extract real remorse or guilt out of the offending partner. Only then do they feel that the marriage can be saved. What I am saying is that the cheater never feels remorse or guilt, despite what he may say during the counselling sessions, and he/she will cheat again when the opportunity arises. I’m giving you my own personal experience. I’ve seen one poor fellow who was cheated on four separate times in his own home, while the kids were at home, and once while he was downstairs. Each time he tried reconciliation. He pleaded, begged, sobbed and forgave, He was trampled on four separate times. Yet he still wanted to try and forgive. From my experience his wife will never change. A cheater never feels guilty about what they have done. That is the message.
Now if you want to attack me personally for my story in trying to explain why I cheated, how I felt about it. and why I have no remorse or guilt, that is fine. I appreciate the fact that most of you have been cheated on, hurt, and even devastated and want to thrash out at confessed cheaters. I can handle the derogatory remarks, the insults, the snide remarks, etc. They don’t hurt me. I appreciate the fact that you may think that I am a sociopath or narcissist; a miserable unloved empty shell of a man headed for a lonely death and wish me all the ill will possible. Nothing could be further from the truth. That is beside the point. Attacks on the messenger are not going to help, especially if they are based on inacurate extracts from the original posting. It just clouds the message.
You’re a selfish prick. Ever heard of being a single, unattached person having no-strings-attached sex, instead of beating the shit out of someone mentally, physically, emotionally and financially?
No. Because you are a selfish fuck, that’s why.
And then you cower like the worthless swine you are. You’re the kind of person who talks big to a guy a lot bigger than you – and then when he says “Come and fight me” you run away like the chickenshit you are.
I hope someone beats the shit out of you or takes you to the cleaners. And I don’t normally wish ill on anyone.
Fantastic response!!
Love it. Straight talking..No Bullshit like these spineless assholes!!..& That’s why they cheat..Cos they need someone to go running back too..Pathetic
Don’t think you can predict that you won’t have a lonely death. Just try cheating on your attractive (not quite sure why we need that information, but it’s obviously important to you) 54 year old partner and see how long she hangs around. Suspect your 19 year old won’t be too happy either – perhaps taking the same route straight out of your life as your older children. So who’ll be around to tuck you into the earth? Perhaps only your latest hook up on Craig’s list. Even that would be a stretch.
RH – believe it or not, I think this letter of yours and all of the ruckus it has caused has really helped me heal and understand that there is absolutely no remorse. It just is. All of us here have been hurt so badly by betrayal and often wonder if the ex will ever regret it. It’s needed in a way like some sort of closure, and we all hope for it – even we are willing to admit it or not.
This truly helped hit home to me to forget even thinking or hoping for that because it’s simply isn’t even a thought in my ex’s head. He was a serial cheat too. I was hurt countless times by that man. He on the other hand, wasn’t smart enough to stay single. He recently married his newest AP, but I think she likes the swinging lifestyle that he wanted so badly and she’s the one with the money – so perhaps as I think about this he’s not as stupid as I like to think ha ha ha. Time will tell, but hopefully I just won’t care!
Basically your saying – don’t waste your time. It will never work and you’ll hurt more than you know. IMO, that’s good advice. Hard to do, but good advice all the same!
Kimberly-while your ex’s new wife may be going along with the “swinging” lifestyle it is clear that since she is supporting him that she would do anything to nab him. Don’t kid yourself she is emotionally involved and is headed for big time heartbreak and more than likely financial disaster. I also think that the OP’s letter should have been taken as an eye opener of a typical cheater and drum home that it is a complete waste of time to work on a marriage with a cheater.
kb22 – thanks for that! I appreciate the kind words.
The message I got from this was “look at me, I banged hot chicks when I was young, and still bang hot chicks now that I’m old”.. “I broke hearts”.. “I can get laid”… (yawn)… Big deal old man, you can manipulate easy women to drop their pants for you. You’re not special, you’re simple. You’ve accomplished something that’s really not anything to be proud of, yet you brag about it thumping your chest “I do what I want and I don’t care who I hurt”… then you pretend that you’re trying to give a ‘message’. As if you’d ever try to help anyone or try to do anything that’s not in your best interest. You see yourself as special, when you’re actually pretty creepy.
So please stop with the “message I’m sending is x”.. we can see what message you’re sending. “Look at me… Look what I can do… I can live a shallow life, and be proud of it.” Good for you, you’re a creep and proud of it. What do you want from us? Not to help us, I can assure you of that.
You’re 70 years old? Wonder if it’s too late for you to grow up and start acting like a man instead of a turd…
Sure pal, you’re not a sociopath or a narcissist – just a person who live totally for themselves and feels no remorse for the destruction and pain they have caused others, and brags about how awesome they and their life are while they do it…
Waaaaaait a minute…..
(But hey, I am sure your kids will defend you, just sit down with them and…. oh wait….. they are barely acquaintances…)
Do you go by your first wife’s grave just to piss on it from time to time? Because that totally seems like something you would do…
Rh or Serial Cheater
You’re still a dickhead. Doesn’t matter how well you think you write or what you want to say – your behaviour is that of a dickhead.
You’re welcome:)
I am so very grateful for you post RH. And you are right, people here are missing the point of your post. I was never able to understand the depth of lack of empathy until your post. I am one of those chumps that thought if I explained the devastation he would have empathy and want to fix it. Your post clears up a lot of unanswered questions. Thank you!!!
What the fuck
This guy’s delusional lol. Thinks his x never dated again? Hahahaha, hollow shell clinging to false and grandiose sense of self importance. Narc much? I bet she was right about the package … Dickless.
It sounds like he left her to raise 3 children alone. It may have been hard for her to date, as he was not being a father to his children. A narc indeed.
Well I’m probably never going to date and that’s largely because when I read stuff like this it tells me we just don’t stand a chance. If this is the new normal…which more and more it seems that it is normal….then I’d rather be the cheese and stand alone!
TRUTH^^^^^^^ I have no hope that there is any chance that I won’t hook up with another narc. Just no hope at all.
I want a relationship with someone honest. I’m sure this asshole and others like him would raise so many red flags. We are smarter and deserve a healthy relationship. Besides we have been detectives for so long we know what we don’t want.
Irish, i hzd the same fear after 2 marriages to what I believe are NPDs. I think there are ways to detect them and reading about the signs and using my brain vs my attraction alone has helped. Have very strict , arbitrary criteria: no past infidelity;good credit and job history; no drug or alcohol problems. The number one thing , i thjnk, is to expose them to trusted friends and family and ,actively, seek out their opinions with assurances that telling you their true impressions will not be held against them.
I found that after i divorced , mzny came forward regretting they had not alerted me yo their concerns. They had refrained for fear of offending me.
Even my wives’s family members expressed regret sbout not having forewarned me. But, it wastoo late, aftrr a lot of damage had been done.
Arnold, I thought that I was having those criteria. Long term job, good credit, no drug or alcohol (his addictions, as it turned out, were food (has a creepy knowledge of every restaurant in town), cigarettes (couldn’t remember my birthday but knew every gas station which would carry his brand), and, of course, lies and sex. Even after DDay, none of his friends knew. I had previous losers who, when I left them, suddenly all the ‘friends’ came out of the closet to tell me the horror tales. NOBODY knew about this guy, well, except maybe my ‘friends’ he f***cked, but that was later. There were other red flags, of course, but they seemed like the ‘well, nobody is perfect’, but in hindsight, they were blood red snapping me in the face sorts of things.
I hear you, Nat1. My 20 year experience with marriage to the narc a-hole cements me to the idea of going it alone from here on out. Heck, I was my own husband, save for the sperm he donated that produced three great kids, who (like during the 20 years) are pretty much my responsibility from here on out. Sex? Overrated. In my mind, that became just one more thing I was expected to deliver on, while busting my ass taking care of everything else – including his DUI drunk ass fiasco/sabotages. And now that I’m on Effexor, I could give a crap about rolling around in the sack being expected to do who-knows-what. Too much of a performance these days. I am looking forward to enjoying my relationships with my kids (13, 17 and 22) and redsicovering myself – new friendships, activities, maybe even travel on my own. The peace and autonomy is too compelling after what I went through chained to his miserable soul.
Good for you pianomommy; this is what a recovery looks like. Enjoying what you DO have, and seeking out less dangerous adventures than looking for “love.” I agree with others that it seems the “no conscience” model is the new ordinary. I am seeing it in business too. People crushing each other lying, cheating and stealing to drive a better car or wear nicer jewelry? Putting people in harms way for a little extra profit? Cutting workers salaries or hourly wage to grow an already huge income? WTF??
Good post!
Yep, Sociopathy 101. The actual textbook definition. I’ve got a feeling that this post will get the least response because it’s so transparent- yeah, yeah, so this is the insight to the psyche of a sick man. Right.
Yeah, I hesitated to run it because a) it’s kibbles for him and b) he’s just a disordered asshole. But in the interest of untangling skeins and what makes the serial cheater tick? Here’s a look into their noggins. They don’t give a shit, they fake it, they repeat. Ergo chumps — it’s not YOU.
Also, I’m on a book deadline…
Good luck on getting it done! I’m looking forward to your next book!
(Focusing on the positive….I have no comment for today’s featured letter writer. Him? Meh.)
Thanks so much for running this letter from Serial Cheater. Important to show this is what sociopaths and narcs are.
Hi!
I think it’s okay that you ran cheater’s back story. I gives us chumps answers. We can see that there is no remorse, and his letter assures us that divorcing these a-holes is the right thing to do.
I’m glad you ran this letter and the responses. He could be a she too. He/she doesn’t give a shit about anyone but themselves. People to them are “transactional” events. He/she is a competitive thrill seeker; like people who do triathlons, iron mans, marathons and ultra-marathons, climb mountains, go on long road bikes, etc. They take care of themselves and they do not give a shit because the thrill, the challenge and competition directly infront of them is what drives them. He wore his wedding band – the women he had affairs with didn’t care that he was married. I actually read a study that a majority of women find married men more attractive, know single men who wear wedding bands to bars because it is easier to have a conversation with a woman when she thinks the guy is “safe”, whatever that means. He targetted women who took an interest in him even in light conversation and what he is saying is, no matter how innocent the interaction, he was never innocent, for him it was “game on.” I’m trying to find a way to identify these freaks ahead of time and get out before the “game” begins. And for starters I agree that you are right CL: “Ergo chumps — it’s not YOU.”
That is not even close to genuine imitation naugahyde remorse. How many people’s lives is he going to destroy due to his selfishness? He destroyed his beautiful wife, his three children and is working on destroying his fourth child and the woman he is in a relationship with now.
You’re in your 70s and should be contemplating your life, not continuing your horn-dog ways. You are at the age where you are going to need help in life and you are going to be left alone.
I wonder if he will be so smug when he dies at the nursing home, alone. He is already beginning the long march to the grave and this letter is nothing more than him whisting past the graveyard. How does it feel knowing no one will mourn him, that he will never be a hero to his grandkids (who he obviously doesn’t know), that not one person will shed a tear on his passing? He has led a life without meaning and for what? Strange pussy? This fellow is nothing more than a lonely old man, attempting to relive his “glory days.” Pathetic, but totally deserving of his fate.
you missed the whole point…….HE DOESNT CARE…. he will not care when he dies because he doesnt care now. he knowingly crashed his loving wife and walked away (abandoned) his children and HE NEVER CARED OR THOUGHT ABOUT HER AGAIN. he has NO REMORSE. the only reason he is with this lady is because he is slowing down but he has not stopped. his wife died, his children do not know/love/need/admire him and HE DOES NOT CARE.
the only thing that ever meant anything to him was the trill of the chase. he never wanted to keep any of those woman. he had no respect for any of them. as soon as he “won” then he did not want them. AND GUESS WHAT…….there was ALWAYS an ‘easy target” for him. As soon as he dumped one chick there was another one waiting to pick up where the last one left off. i doubt this ass ever went without a body to cuddle, clean clothes, gifts, had someone cooking his meals, a place to lay his head and dick, there was alway someone to “make him feel better” and tell him he was wonderful.
out with the old and in with the new. the destruction they leave behind never enters his mind.
HE DOESNT CARE. he is not lonely. to be lonely you have to CARE about someone other then yourself.
I am the OP. Typing from my I phone. I have not yet read all the replies. But this post is probably the closest analysis I’ve read yet. I am not bragging or proud of the way I am. I am not lonely but it is just now that I have reached an age where running after women is just too much bother.
What’s funny, is you think you’re telling us something we haven’t figured out yet. You aren’t special, you’re just another garden variety douche bag.
You’ve got nothing to teach us.
One thing that he might contribute are his thiughts on how to detect folks like himself. Sam Vanakin does this on his site.
, Malignant self Love.
Arnold, I am in awe of Sam Vanakin. And I appreciated RH honesty.
oh yay!! i was the closest to figuring out that you are a worthless piece of shit. lucky me.
drop dead asshole
Mrs Vain
They don’t care about anyone. However, they do have to settle for less as time goes on. X can’t get it up, has no assets, can’t find anyone attractive or intelligent woman who would give him the time of day. What they will never admit is their supply dwindles. They age horribly and grasp for kibbles where ever they can. Rather pathetic statements like “running after women is too much of a bother” are typical. Their never lonley because they have a hand. Masturbate away! you have yourself OP. So fucking funny how simple it is for them to enjoy their own disordered company.
“He who dies with the most toys, still dies.” Enjoy hell.
I totally agree with Mrs Vain. Well done you! I see similarities between the contributor and my recent ex who is 63. A few weeks ago he was the bearer of ‘bad news’ to me as he told me he was worried that he might be running out of opportunities to be with other women and how much time does he really have left? So he finished with me. His phrases were. “This is just something I have to do.” “I have to pursue this new woman.” “Carrots have already been dangled but I haven’t responded!” Wow. After the anger and hurt subsided I think my overall feeling is one of sympathy and sadness for someone who can never truly have a deep, fulfilling connection with another person. You are right Mrs Vain. They don’t want that….or do they?
Mrs.Vain – your right – he doesn’t care. It’s too bad there are so many people out there willing to fall for his bs. He’s got an unlimited supply!
He doesn’t care…yet. But believe me, when he is alone in that bed he will. I cannot tell you the number of times I have seen people in this precise situation. Not a care in the world, no concern for anyone else, until the end, when they begin bemoaning the fact that none of their family memebers are anywhere to be found. I once saw a case of an old man who died in his wheelchair in the snow, on his way to pick up his Viagra! His family paid to keep him a caretaker to take care of him and most importantly, to keep him away from them. After he died, they paid for the cheapest cremation available and promptly forgot him…No loss to anyone.
he STILL will not care. look how he is bragging already. when he is alone in that bed, he will just remember all the horrible and cruel things he did in his life and that will keep him happy for the remainder of his life. he will also have the “poor, pitiful me” story to tell anyone who has to be paid to attend to him.
but yes, it will be of no loss to anyone when this asshole passes away. the world will be a better place without him. if anyone even notices that he dies that is.
Yes, but if he is dead, he will not have any conciousness of no one caring. I feel fairly certain, having met a number of golks lime this, even the aging ones, that others caring about them or the legacy thet leave is of little importance.
And, i have seen , first hand, good, decent people who profess to believe in an afterlife, scared shitless by death, fighting jt tooth and nail.
living a good life seems to be no protection against the imme se fear of dying or being forgotten.
MrsVain…….absolutely perfecto! Your explanation is exactly my XPOS! I ALWAYS said if he and I didn’t make it (musta had 6th sense) that he’d be on to the next! And never look back. And exactly that he did!
Just ruthless worthless life forms. It’s sickening!
SPOT ON!!!!
Folks, get real. These folks do not all die alone or hated. History is full of NPD cheaters who were adored and mourned. We have monuments to some. Some are on our coins and bills, stamps etc. We worship athletes and entertainers who are NPD, Jordan, Kirby Puckett, Kobe, Newman, A_Rod etc. Tons of politicians. Where do you get this idea?
Well in the case of the OP, I’m sure it’s a safe bet he’s no Kobe, A-Rod, MLK, or JFK, so he doesn’t have that going in his favor. I think it’s a pretty safe bet too, that since he has yet to put a ring on that 50 something gorgeous woman, she’s got her own side dish and just biding her time for the big payday. But besides that, we all come and go alone, from the cradle to the grave…
Having had cancer in my 20’s and subsequently volunteered as a hospice caregiver for 20+ years, I can tell you that many narcs die alone and miserable – that’s who they really are.
(But the lama says to us chumps “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So we got that goin’ for us which is nice)
😉
I like that Indy! 🙂
Me too – thank you for your observations, Indy.
Love that movie, Indy.
surely you do not believe that narcs all die alone though, and, clearly, many nons do,aswell. We have no idea what this man n has going for him. I merely mention JFK et al as examples of remorseless serial cheatrrs,who were/are sucessful and held in high esteem by many.
I completdly sympatize with the desire some have for justice but it just may not happen.
Hey Arnold,
surely you saw that I typed “many narcs”, not “all narcs”.
That said- yea some cases were tragic and heartbreaking. You want to see a man or woman facing their final moments on this earth relieving every regret/missed opportunity? You should. There is truth in the adage “no one on their death bed says – I wished I had spent more time in the office” –
Likewise I’ve never heard “I wished I had gotten more pussy” but I have heard ” I wished I had been a true husband/ a good wife. I wished I had seen my children grow up, I wished my children were here, I wish they respected me. I wish I had been honorable. – it’s funny but they all had deep consciousness in their final days. They finally understood the true meaning of life and that they had missed the point of it all. They died with enormous regret.
These are the things I have witnessed, of course
Your mileage may vary…
Then there are those that I witnessed who lived deeply, with great hearts and live in their hearts that they were ready to move on to whatever else was waiting for them. No fear, no regrets. I know I will die this way, because this is who I am. This is how i live. And I see this in chumps here.
Just sayin
This guy’s not capable of regrets and introspection. It’s like asking a lamp to hug you back.
Exactly. Life would be a lot tougher for him if he was capable of those things. But, he is not, so he does not suffer snd prospers.
He might be a serial cheater; first of all he’s a misogynist with no impulse control. There is no gene for serial cheating. There is a gene I assume for when people cannot control impulses and also he was raised with no care for consequences. This is a sociopath; most serial cheaters would attempt to say they fall in love, or monogamy goes against biology etc. He has no excuses and lost touch with his kids. I feel sad for the other women too – they were younger, and this man was a predator and a sociopath. Most normal people are no match for this.
Not sure he is any less respectful of wonen thsn men, if he is a true sociopath. They ard equal opportunity predators.
Just another piece of dysfunctional garbage. He wants to make a point that he just doesn’t give a rat’s ass but the joke is on him, as he will never feel pure joy, love, happiness or satisfaction in his lifetime.
There is no there there.
Exactly! These sickos are subhuman.
He is an empty shell. Not a real human being. I pity his children.
Don’t. It sounds like their mother raised them right and they have nothing to do with him. He’ll be dead soon and they can dump his carcass in some hole and forget they ever knew him.
I hope my kids will be strong enough to think the same way. Thanks for the enlightenment KellyP. You’re right!
I wince when one of us calls another person a lesser human. In fact, he is a real human. One of us. His actions are deplorable and without empathy and will bring about the appropriate “cause and effect” depending on your view. We need to teach our kids to be aware of these personality types, so they will not fall into the same situations that we all did.
We are all flawed in someway….the difference is intent. When u lack the ability to recognize suffering… Or worse recognize it and continue doing it…purposely inflict it…u are a lesser human being. They are not whole.
This sounds exactly like my ex, who is only 36. He said all the same things to me after I found out he was a serial cheater with dozens of women (all low-class, very poor, married, usually with track marks in their arms). He said it was the thrill of the chase, he was always the one pursuing them, it made him feel alive and powerful to cheat on me and steal these pieces of trash from their poor husbands–thats what got him off. He told me he picked me as a trophy wife, so no one would ever suspect his double life and ‘sex addiction’. He was a diagnosed sociopath who took after his father, who lived the same way (I had no idea until the divorce, at which time children whose parents’ marriages were wrecked by his married father decades ago contacted me). Thank God I found out before we had children, although we were married 10 years. I cut him out of my life with the precision of a seasoned surgeon, as if he were nothing more than a 220 pound cancerous tumor. It wasn’t easy at first, but now I often forget he exists–until I step in dog shit. Perhaps its something about the incredible mess and the nauseating smell that bring back a fleeting memory of his shitty existence. I’ve no doubt there’s a special place in hell for my ex, his father, the writer of this letter, and all the others who belong to this subculture of scum.
well said!!!
// , Is there any way to prevent his latching on to some other victim?
Can a “I will cheat on you” stamp get burned (figuratively, of COURSE) onto the slunt’s forehead?
***YAWN***
This guy is just boring and predictable. It’s funny, because I would think something like this would be hard to read, or “trigger-y,” or remind me of past hurts, but honestly, he’s just another bore.
I wonder if he realizes what a walking, talking cliche of patheticism he is (not that he would likely care), or how anyone whom has even a modicum of intelligence or sense is likely sneering at him behind his back.
Meh.
Quite honestly, I’m not sure I believe the story. Whether fictious ramblings of someone with wayyyy too much time on his (or her) hands or distustingly true, this is a completely soulless chunk of pig vomit.
If indeed true, well there ya go…way to ruin having relationships with your children by choosing random, pathetic cumdumpsters over your family and not giving a flying fuck about it. Chew on that on your deathbed…it’s right around the corner for your elderly and likely impotent ass.
cumdumpsters…how true. What they don’t seem to get while boasting of their conquests is that they are scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel to find these women. All things considered, “desperate” would have to be considered one of their more attractive features.
Why would I get an ego boost from screwing the ugliest guy I could find? Eeewww!
Right?! They need someone with a less self-esteem than they possess themselves and won’t call them on their BS. Always a downgrade. At the time, I was 29, he was 34…the women he was looking up online were over 45, ugly as sin, and about as wide as they were tall.
You just have to consider the source…”easy” over “quality”. As soon I realized that, the proverbial fog lifted and saw what he really was.
The one I caught him with was a downgrade for sure….some skank from some podunk hole in Alabama. Looked like she crawled out from under a bottle of black hair dye.
I felt horrible at first, I mean, you’re supposed to upgrade, and here we have this skank that is better than me? My self-esteem took a real beating.
Seeing them for what they are is definitely the key that unlocks the door.
Wow there must be something in the water in Alabama, my soon to be ex also cheated on me with some low rent, trash bag, bottle dyed red headed hick from there… Total downgrade as far as looks and class go. Easy and dumb are the keywords here I guess.
Freedom
When I think of the downgrade X always ended up with, it was typically either someone who was also married or was single and knowingly screwed married men. Size, age and appearance were always secondary to the OW’s lack of integrity, morals, or ability to care. In other words their equals. X did end up with a beast who is more disordered than X if that is possible. I’m enjoying the fact that he has to pretend he is happy with his new life with a whore. It’s comical.
I agree. Lack of scruples is first & foremost.
One of them, specifically the Troll Hobbit, tried to get me into a pick me dance for him. Such joyous memories:/ What’s funny is that the twatwaffle now wants nothing to do with him. The dimwitted bitch could even see through his shit after fairly quickly.
Im sure he’ll find another…how easily these whores are interchangeable.
This is perfection. I laughed so hard. Made me feel better. Thank you.
Some of the men and women I know who I believe to be like this are pretty darn physically attractive and hook up with nice looking folks, no downgrades. As they age, they still attract nice looking folks, just older versions.
Somatic Narcissists, often retain their looks longer than average , as, since looks are their main bait, they invest heavily in them, working out religously with high pain thresholds. They invest in cosmetic surgeries and wardrobes, too, to stay equipped for predation.
I believe it. I was married to a man just like that.
Every now and then during an argument about his latest adventure in whore land he would let slip a little nugget of complete truth. Those nuggets of truth sound nearly identical to the letter.
The only difference is this old asshole Sat down and wrote it all out in one long message, while my ex asshole dribbled it out bit by bit over the years.
When they reveal themselves …. YOU FEEL DISGUSTED ! Same feeling I get around pedophiles !!!
I do not think most people get the same feeling as they do from pedophiles. As i have mentioned, many famous,rich, admired folks are serial cheaters. Many folks are not put off by our presidents and other political leaders who serially cheat. Same with actors and sports heros.
I do agree with him on one aspect. Thanks to social media – people’s morals go down the tubes and I can see the divorce rate sky rocketing. Sad. These web sites and private cell phones DO make cheating WAY to easy and unfortunately….its almost becoming acceptable.
I don’t believe social media creates bad morals any more than banks create thieves.
I completely agree taniarochelle. Social media may just make it easier for them.
100% agreed. Social media makes it easier, but definitely not the cause of cheaters’ behavior.
My fuckwit tried blaming social media to some degree. Lol really? Facebook “made you” look up Troll Hobbit and start messaging her? And Adult Friend Finder “forced you” to supply credit card info to chat up lonely, much older fat women?
If it were 30 years ago, he’d be answering personal ads by snail mail and trolling bars.
Technology has changed, cheaters are all still the same.
agreed. Husband is deployed but social media/email/skype makes it easier for me to keep in touch with HIM, not for me to go trolling around. Can’t blame social media.
Hannibal Lector wrote, “You can tell I am somewhat sorry for what happened. . . .” Actually, um, no. Not at all. You never indicate you should have done anything differently and seem utterly unable to empathize with your wife, girlfriends or children. You plainly don’t understand the word “sorry.” But, hey, you’ve only had 35 years to contemplate these events. If, as I suspect, you are actually a vampire and live another 300 years, maybe you’ll have an inkling one day. And the way you describe the tragic death of your wife is downright bone chilling.
This letter is a pathetic, near-end-of-life play for narcissistic supply disguised as insight. Disguise . . . FAIL.
AGREE!!!!
what kind of loser writes a letter to a website dedicated to helping the type of woman this ass left behind? he is NOT SOMEWHAT sorry for anything, he is BRAGGING about what a complete empty shell and worthless man he is and telling all of us that he is not good at anything except fooling and tricking lonely woman. he cant keep a hold of anything.
one thing that his letter has done is helped me realize that all those tears and efforts were wasted on the piece of shit i married. and how lucky i am to divorce him and get the fuck away from him. exhole is a lot like this ass. HE DIDNT CARE either.
well, they are more then welcome to their empty useless lives. i have my children and people who love me.
i have meaning in this world and have done things that mean something. this guys life is SHALLOW and forgettable, in the end HE IS NOTHING and there will be NOT a SOUL who will miss him.
we are all better then he is.
Mrs Vain
You kick ass!!
Brilliant, nomar.
“I now know that my cheating is a character flaw that I am unable to control. It might even be genetic…”
See! It’s not his fault so he doesn’t have to be sorry. Not that he is anyway…
*face/palm*
Done, just done.
“I now know that my cheating is a character flaw that I am unable to control.”
Correction: Your cheating is a character flaw that you are *UNWILLING* to control. You COULD have stayed single and told any woman you were with (if any would HAVE you…) ahead of time that you didn’t plan on staying faithful to them.
BTW, cheating isn’t your ONLY ‘character flaw’. In order to cheat, a cheater has to be skilled in LYING. But I suppose you were *unable* to control your lying, too…
,,,and you were *unable* to control your gross selfishness as well…
he couldnt be honest, if he was honest about being a lying, unfaithful, piece of shit that is not worth a fucking thing, he would have never been able to “chase” the women.
he is such a loser that he couldnt even get a prostitute honestly. he had to lie, steal and hide who he REALLY is because he knows that a decent, or undecent woman would not have him.
he brags about chasing and deceiving tons of woman like it is a good thing. he brags how he doesnt care about any of them or the harm he dealt them,
but in all actuality his biggest lie is to himself, thinking he is has nothing that needs to be forgiven. he has lived a shallow empty life and has never know what it feels like to be loved for who and what you really are, or to give yourself fully to another person.
OP here again. I wrote this piece more or less to let faithful partners in a relationship to abandon hope of reforming the cheater or trying to save the marriage. I’m not bragging. I’m too old to brag. I’m telling everyone here that it is part of my make up and I couldn’t change. I did not remarry. Like I pointed out I live alone and I am in a relationship that isn’t even Common-Law. I did this to avoid a second divorce, loosing my home, child support, alimony and the like.
Oh….just wanting to help us? I’ll tell you like I said before, you aren’t telling us anything we didn’t learn the hard, hard, hard, hard, FUCKING hard way. The way your wife did.
Yeah, not bragging…lol. You’re delusional, depraved, and just an overall shitty human being. Now that you’re so old and not finding 20-somethings to put that old, decrepit dick in, you’re getting your jollies by spouting your bullshit to people who’ve gone through hell because of scum similar to you. One last thrill, one last chance to feel like you “got one over” on someone. Feel big & in control now?
Obviously you know nothing about this site…definitely not pro-reconciliation…these chumps know better. We know cheaters don’t change even without your foul testimony.
You didn’t even remarry?*Applaud* Don’t you deserve a fucking medal!
Ugh…I can’t even…it’s futile arguing with trash.
LOL he didn’t remarry because he didn’t want anyone to be able to take any more of his money and he knew that it would have eventually crumbled anyway.
“I did this to avoid a second divorce, loosing my home, child support, alimony and the like.” Wouldn’t the better thing to do was to not have a fourth child whom it appears you did not support? Oh wait. I forgot. It’s all about you.
well you are right about one thing, it truly is a waste of time for the faithful spouse to try to honor their vows when they married a piece of shit like you.
but you are WAY WRONG on saying “You couldnt change”!! that is just the bullshit you tell yourself. YOU DIDNT WANT TO CHANGE…..because YOU DIDNT CARE WHO YOU HURT in your journey to have fun and be happy..
you see, i believe that ANYONE is able to change if they really really want to. if you have a conscious and have honor, integrity, loyalty and accountability then you can realize how much damage and pain your actions cause other people. then it is easy to change.
but for someone like you, who only cares about himself, who has zero feelings for how his actions crushed your wife, who is not bothered that his own flesh and blood children do not recognize nor want anything to do with you, for you, because you are a worthless waste of good air, you did not WANT to change. because you enjoyed what you were doing so much, GOD FORBID you get bored by honoring your vows, keeping your promises and raising your children. you HAD to do it because your happy is the only thing that matters to you.
i am not going to waste my time trying to get you to understand what a POS you are, i know it is beyond your mental ablilty to grasp….
but honestly stop saying that you “COULDNT” change and call it like it really is that you “WOULDNT” change.
geesh, what an asshole
RH, I hope you realise that we are all laughing at you. What a loser.
RH
I can smell your rotting flesh. If you could be honest you would admit not only that you never loved anyone but yourself; you enjoy every minute of degrading women. That is why you are here. You have lost your supply of vulnerable victims because…..
You can fill in the blank. You enjoy coming here to play with us. You are a narcissistic sociopath who has lost power and control. I’ve read about you in books. The aging narcissist facing his false self. It’s not pretty. You enjoy the anger and pain too. We know everything about you also. What does it feel like to face yourself without your much needed admiration from your victims. We are here to spread the word about the character disordered. Are we your last attempt at an audience? That in itself is the most pathetic laughable action I can imagine from a narcissist. I am laughing at your lack of power. We hold the control button.
Sounds very like the man I knew,a dangerous narcissistic sociopath who leaves a trail of chaos and destruction in his wake,totally devoid of empathy or remorse.These people are on the psychopathy spectrum and sadly his wife ,it seems,was never able to recover from what he did to her….emotionally and physically destroyed.
These personality disordered types are never troubled by qualms of conscience or moral scruples.Sent shivers down my spine to read of his glacial,callous disregard for those who were unfortunate enough to be caught in his web….as did his misogyny.Truly horrible.Brought back memories I’d like to forget.
And yet, many of us were married to people very much like this. I think it is way more prevalent than we know.
i spoke to one of my wife’s old boyfriends. He told me ” Arnold, Laurie never considers the effect of her actions on others. 2 things go into her analysis when deciding on an action: what is the reward and what is the risk of getting caught”.
70 is not that old and with Viagra etc. many of these old Sociopaths have a decent amount of life left to indulge their proclivities.
And, if they are agnostic or atheists, they are not too worried about what awaits them ,other than oblivion, which most of us fear.
Thank you for publishing this letter.
I believe this was the sort of man I was married to.
Got married without thinking about what the reality might look like, didn’t want multiple kids or a stay at home wife and the responsibilities that came with both.
It was easier to cheat than to stand up and be honest about being unhappy. The writer chose to be a coward and cheat than make decision to voice his unhappiness and push to fix his marriage or walk away honestly and take responsibility for not voicing his opinions before he had 3 children.
I believe he is correct when he says that plenty of women will have affairs with married men with families. In my case, she knew us all very well but simply cared more about what she thought she was going to get. (What she got wasn’t as wonderful as it looked but that’s besides the point)
Mine also lost his relationship with one child (but he doesn’t care about that one because he knows that charm and guilt won’t get that child back) and will never have more than an acquaintance relationship with the other.
I believe this man has no remorse. Not even imitation.
I would like to hear from him years from now when he needs his diapers changed or spends all his holidays alone in a nursing home. Maybe then there will be some remorse…but probably not.
The only horrible part is that the mother of his children did not live to reap the full benefit of her love and hard work raising her children. I will bet that they were with her while she died. The writer definitely left that out so I assume it was the case. If the children had abandoned their mother, I am sure he would have added it to his story.
I am glad that the three children have each other as family and don’t need their “father”.
What the writer fails to realize is what he truly lost. Knowing what true love looks and feels like. What love between parents and children or husband and wife can feel like when there is heart-felt love created out of years of real life, mixed with mutual respect, pride and devotion.
He doesn’t even know what he missed out on and that is what makes him pathetic.
I was thinking the SAME thing!!! My STBXH & I were fine- until our daughter was born. From the start of her life, he disconnected- too much responsibility/obligation for him and his narcky-self to handle.
Yep, this will be my husband – hopefully sooner than later. Fucking asshole!!!
exactly, it was at the time of the birth of my first child that I ceased to be a person but instead was ‘mother/housekeeper’.
We need to educate our kids!
They were narcissists ladies. As soon as the kids come along, they are SUPER resentful because they are not longer the end all, be all.
Narcissists can abandon their kids so easily because they resent them. They were competition, not offspring.
After my first was born, my ex put ALL of his attention and effort into her. I am certain that he figured out he would get way more ego kibbles from the rest of the world if he was an amazing father then he would get from being an amazing husband (the original game he played). I am curious if something will cause him to change his game of amazing father to amazing something else. There are a lot of ego kibbles in this present age for a fantastic father. He is very very good at playing up his role when the world is watching, but hiding his true self behind closed doors.
Yep, the shift in my marriage occurred during my pregnancy & after our first child’s birth. Chilling to see it written here by a man that could very well be my ex.
This really cheered me up
This will be my cheater 20 years from now
Also Serial cheater with multiple long term relationships/wives Right down to a kid at 50, as a result of an affair
This will be him in 20 years when he hits 70
The commets about needing the conquest and being addicted to it was exactly what my cheat er told me about why he did it.
Thank god i am out, i had been struggling with the belief he will be different for someone else. This has reinforced that he wont
I know, right, coco? Initially, I thought cheater ex would happily live ever after with OWife. They have been married for a year now and I recently found out their big house and big lifestyle is all a lie. Cheater ex has gone through all his liquid assets and is now pulling money like crazy out of his 401k (complete with penalties and taxes) to maintain the dream. In just two years’ time. This was a guy who used to be financially savvy but now it is more important to him to prove to the world that he did not screw up. I guess he needs to be reminded of Suzy Orman’s famous line “Stand in your truth.”
70 year old serial cheating sociopath. How appealing. Pretty sure I’m never gonna be that desperate. Have at it, OWHores!
Good thing he doesn’t have a relationship with his kids – he’s just the creepy old guy that no will let their grandkids be around. What a waste of human being.
I believe this letter was either written by one of my exes, or one of my brothers. Same MO. Horndogs till the end.
Could have been written by any of them. As unique and special as they think they are, they’re produced from the same mold. I never read anything on here that I can’t relate to 100%. All of them, same exact guy (gal).
Albert Einstein serially cheated. NPD? Admired?Successful?
Thanks for sharing; here’s your bitch cookie.
Wonder what his job was? How old he was when he knew he had no conscience? Why his daughter still has anything to do with him? I told the wife of aa serial cheater to come to this blog and got jumped on. Wonder if she would see things differently now?
The daughter who still has contact is hanging around to get the inheritance. One of my kids stays in touch with her father so she can get money out of him.
Seems a bit mercenary.
Wow is right. Sociopathic much. And the way he describes women is so disrespectful. Hope he dies in a nursing home tended by spacey young women who find him pathetic and repulsive.
Scary fact is that some men are only as faithful as their options. Makes the thought of dating let alone having a relationship with somebody very daunting.
The majority of men are faithful. Even the infidelity statistics bear that out. We’ve got guy chumps here. Some *people* are only as faithful as their options.
Thanks for this. I used to think my exW was sometimes an Ice Queen. After she dropped her mask I found out how soulless she really was. It was scary. No remorse or empathy what so ever. Thanks for the great post.
CL,
Sorry I was quoting Chris Rock with that little gem about options. Never meant to suggest only men do the cheating. I feel that anybody can get chumped but earnestly hope that past experience makes all of us wiser in who we choose to share out life and love with!
This particular post was creepy to see the extent of this person’s disregard for other human beings.
Ew, non-remorseful horn cheating grandpa! His boastful letter has done me SOME good, it’s put me right off my lunch, and I really could do with dropping a few pounds anyway! Thanks, you decrepit old saggy-balled asshole!!
Oh my, old saggy-balled asshole just made me think of X. Lol.
Haha oh Donna! I’m so glad you’ve escaped your saggy-balled ex! Let someone else deal with his rocks in a sock, euw! xx
This guy is clearly an extreme case. But it does give good insight into the remorseless and entitled minds of most cheaters even if most aren’t quite as far up the sociopathic spectrum as this twat.
I’m not so sure he is an extreme case. They are all opportunists.
How can you not respect the honesty and the guts to admit that you are nothing but a “piece of dick”. His life revolves around his dick and that is it!!! Wish all the serial cheaters would be this honest.
He’s honest about the fact that he makes it a habit of being dishonest.
Not too much sadder than someone who uses his penis as the needle for his moral compass.
Sad and pathetic. Of course, he can’t help himself. The first step is admitting that he has a problem, which he clearly is unwilling to do. He likes cheating apparently or the thrill of cheating–to be more precise. Least he is “honest” in the letter. Probably the saddest and most pathetic part is what that addiction takes from him and the lives it destoys. Creates an incapacity to really connect and enjoy true love. True love does not cheat, and true love cares if it wounds its children. He might use the term, but obviously, he does not know what love is. That is both sad and pathetic.
Well said DM! True love never entered this guys radar. So sad and pathetic. My stbx and his family do not understand true love either. They understand love when it serves them, which we know is not really love.
“All I wanted was the sex, and I found it all too easy to pick up [other people without character and crap life skills like me or the stupidly naive] women starting with just a simple compliment. There. Fixed it.
It was probably no coincidence that his first wife died of stomach cancer. She was probably nursing stomach ulcers for the better part of her relationship with this devoid POS. Chronic trauma of that kind often leads to malignancy. So he robbed her of more than the love, emotional and physical security of an honest marriage. He robbed her of her life.
And like so many of these cliches, the well-being of his own children was always way down on the list of priorities. They were just an annoying by-product of screwing.
I developed cancer after being almost solely responsible for dealing with two very sick children for the first 5 years of their lives. Never got more than an hour or two of sleep because my ex was either traveling or “couldn’t hear them crying.” After he left I found a list of things he loved about his new AP, on the list he wrote “she is healthy.”
That’s just so awful and heartless! Hopefully he gets a ride on the karma bus!
He’s in the hospital as I type this, suffering from a sudden heart problem.
Well, I don’t think his heart problems are sudden. I think he’s had very serious heart problems for a long, long time.
(((Lyn)))
Hugs to you Lyn for enduring so much, accomplishing so much- raising two very sick children to successful adulthood, and remaining intrepid through it all. I too had health problems, which I sucked up throughout my marriage which everyone on the outside looking in, attributed to the oddball that was my cheater.
It was doubly hurtful, that cheater would never acknowledge, that his behavior was even a teensy bit contributory. It sounds like your X too thought it entirely your annoying little problem.
Even though you are divorced, don’t be surprised if your X spins his heart issues as somehow related to the compassion and guilt he feels for leaving you on your own, or he is working doubly hard to provide alimony, yada, yada…. My cheater often played the pity card to the max as part of his continuing image management to reap those kibbles.
I enjoyed this letter. It reminded me of every miserable, judgy outing with the ex, and all the forced smiles at the end, and the fact that while it took me a year to get over my genuine sweet suede leather love for him, he’s already two ladies and an out of wedlock adultery child past me. And a few months into the Child Support he must pay the Schmoopie Stranger till he is a broken down 300 lb 66 year old with a high school education. And all the smiles on FB from New Chick and Ex-Side Dish and the older daughter he lost primary custody of to wife #2 out of this clusterfuck? Looking awfully forced. Decidedly not the proper public image he so desperately chided me about if I so much as laughed too loud at a baseball game, or left the house without him.
It just reinforced to me how little I mattered, and how little anyone matters to these disordered specimens of Human Garbage. And how now I have the opportunity to spread my love ALLLL around to friends and family who deserve it. And The same no bullshit meter that grew in my spine from this awful marriage works in all sorts of situations, not just romance.
And as for me? My dance card remains full, in the sane way that sane humans date and court. Because I’m not giving up on any options life may hold.
The Free Love Bonobo Monkey Circus can pitch its’ tent on the other side of town!
3 points for Luziana for use of the phrase “Free Love Bonobo Monkey Circus”
And, thank goodness mine had a vasectomy! Hopefully my kids won’t have that awkward phone call from the alleged unknown brother or sister down the road.
Add another 3 points for Luziana from me for ‘Free Love Bonobo Monkey Circus’ – that’s a cracker! 😀
Perfect! This wonderful quote is now becoming a modification to my adopted motto:
“Not my Circus, Not my Bonobos.” Thank you Luziana!
LOL @ “Free Love Bonobo Monkey Circus”!!!!
I have literally stayed to myself since he moved out 2 months ago- he has tried and failed at trying to make me out to be dating, hooking-up, LOL #EpicFAIL…I refuse to date, talk to, hang out with anyone of the opposite sex until our divorce is final- honest to God, I haven’t even tried to hook-up or anything- I am in the healing process and have nothing to offer another person- right now, I’m working on me, Unlike HIM.
He is shocked that I have developed a set of balls against him and a spine. He honestly expected me to curl into the fetal position and cry and let him walk away from me with nothing for child support, total rejection and abandonment.
He is going to end up just like this. Already starting down that spiral mental-health-wise, and physically unhealthy too.
37-year-old acting like a 15-year-old with Mommy-Abandonment-issues, he has nothing to show for his life except for being a convicted felon with a jail-house GED piece of shit.
UnsinkableMolly “He is shocked that I have developed a set of balls . . .” Mine has been too and is currently not speaking to me because I set some very concrete boundaries (finally!). Our college-aged daughter refers to his behavior as that of a “14-year old girl.” I’m not dating or anything until divorce is final in August. I may not date for quite awhile, I have absolutely nothing to give anyone while I’m just trying to survive the head games.
Me toooooo, bepositive!!!
He told me a few weeks ago, “I will fuck with your head so much that you will end up in an asylum!!!…the games start now!!!” this was said after I exposed his lies for the truth to yet another Schmoopie, —- only after HER MOTHER called a friend of mine and get the real story…even after her mother got the straight story, this dumb 26-year-old is still dating his 37-year-old ass!!!! We haven’t even filed yet!!!! ARGH!!
I will probably put myself on hold once the divorce is final to repair my “picker”— after my first divorce, I was in a big damn hurry to prove my ex-husband’s words about how I was unlovable, unwanted, etc. that I just jumped into a relationship with STBXH- just 6 weeks after divorce #1- NEVER AGAIN!!!!
Mine has been pretty much N/C for about a month now. Except for his neglect of our daughter, I’m grateful!!!
LOL!!!!! And it suck to be him.. paying child support at his age to stranger. What an idiot!
Yuuuuuup. I’m not sure how friendly they are now, but Schmoopie Forever or Three Months now has to raise her kid and watch him coo on FB with the New Chick.
And it’s a Narc Triangulation Sweepstakes! She has won the sparkly turd future she deserves from fucking a married coworker- and the timeline of the child’s birth proves it to everyone at work, which means promotions are sadly off the table and they are both lucky to still have a jerb.
PS Babies are wonderful, blameless and a gift.
My Dad’s best friend had a High School education. He was worth over 500 million when he died. So,chumps withoit a college degree may do just fine.
“Plenty of Other Fish”
It’s Plenty of Fish. I think this guy’s ears, brain, and penis are all connected, unfortunately.
I think this guys brain IS in his penis. Enough said!!!!!!!!!
What it comes down to is really just that so many people don’t know what love is. And they aren’t able to appreciate what they don’t know. The most detestable of them, like this asshole, are the ones who know it and insist on feeding on the hearts of whom they perceive as lesser beings.
It’s one thing to realize that the cheater just never loved you and all you got was what he thought love was (hey, at least he cared enough to *pretend* he did, for a while?) simply because he enjoyed your company, then, more than anyone else’s. It’s quite another when your cheater is this kind of monster… one who knows he didn’t and can’t and has set out to just consume people. And is PROUD of it… like a very particular, twisted kind of foodie, who digests and shits the BEST food as if it’s a testament to his taste. “I only drain the goodness out of the BEST people, which I believe makes me superior.”
“What a coward every man is! and how surely he will find it out if he will just let other people alone and sit down and examine himself. The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.” ~Mark Twain
I don’t believe in Heaven and Hell but I do believe that there’s some sort of an afterlife… may he find his just desserts there, experiencing the consequential side of the misery he has gleefully created. Everything balances eventually; that is the natural order of things, whether you believe it will happen or not.
Oh don’t worry, insistonhonesty, if you believe the below, I am PRETTY SURE that God (Father, Son, and Spirit) WILL NOT find this funny. Even if you do not believe as I do, you are right in that everything DOES balance out / have good or bad consequences. Does he think that ANY divine power would just ‘be ok’ with him purposely destroying lives?
“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; so that everyone may receive what is due him, according to what he has done in the body, whether it is good or bad. 2 Corinthians 5:10”
Personally, I hope his poor wife gets popcorn and a live feed of his judgement (from her couch, or whatever we sit on in Heaven) just before this POS falls through a trap door to hell. This is unlikely, but I believe that she got her reward for her deeds (raising her children, not cheating, being a good person) and now has no more pain or suffering.
Remembering that verse was the only thing keeping me CALM after reading this horrid letter.
Don’t good, non Chritians go to Limbo? If so, how do we know this?
Mr Cheater, so on your death bed you can die with the knowledge, that your entire life has been lying, deceiving , and hurting people who love and trust you.
And with the knowledge that he never experienced love, true, pure, freeing love. He has cheated himself of life’s greatest joy. It is so clear from his letter that he senses his loss, but is too stupid to figure out why he is old and alone, cruising the net to find an equally soulless fuck buddy.
He actually sounds proud of being a disordered piece of shit. So glad his kids have walked away.
Ok, well this is a therapist’s field day… severe unresolved mommy & daddy issues spanning 70 years? “…being very careful not to ever fall in love. Broke lots of hearts but I didn’t care”.
And what is the motivation of the person behind this letter, to Chump Lady? –Notoriety for portraying the perfect picture of no remorse? Getting your mojo from reading about others devastation on this website?
I agree, the internet is a place where plenty of cesspools of humanity thrive. And at the end on your life the inscription on your tombstone might read- “Yes I live alone, I look at porn, Ashley Madison, personals on Craigslist, and Plenty of Other Fish”.
That kind of says it all…
What’s his motivation? Kibbles.
Getting chump attention gets his dick hard. I’ll spare you the creeptacular letter he sent about how chumps could spice things up in the bedroom (complete with dirty talk!) and how he doesn’t cheat on his 54 year old GF. Except that in the earlier letter (the one today) he says he does cheat, or looks to cheat on her.
Yeah, we all want his “wisdom.” Oh gee, we were Doing It All Wrong. That means so much coming from a sociopath.
Oh good lord – Chump Lady, I love your website and what you do here – and what a great group. I guess you must see “IT ALL”. And for that–thank you for sharing it – not because the letter is particularly revelatory, for all we know it could be a work of fiction from a sociopath – but because it gives insight into the eye-popping array of humanity that you must be fielding on your website from time to time. –Goes with the territory I am sure –
All I see from SC’s letter today is an inner nasty child.
Ah, interesting wrinkle!
So he has sent you more than one letter.
Kibbles, indeed. Someone is really hungry for attention.
‘ I’ll spare you the creeptacular letter he sent about how chumps could spice things up in the bedroom’
I’ve said it before, and I know I’m not the only Chump here who can say it too, BUT ‘a dull sex life’ with me was most certainly NOT why ‘The Great I Am’ had to go spreading it about! The man was forever telling me how fantastic he thought our sex life was. He was forever telling his friends and mere acquaintances (to an embarrassing degree) how fabulously, deliriously happy he was with our sex life. Certainly nothing ‘vanilla’ about it – or me!
Simple truth is he is a greedy bastard who wants his ego stroking by, as you put it CL, as big a ‘smorgasbord of pussy’ as he can possibly get. And no one woman is ever going to be that for him. It didn’t matter if I told him he ‘hung the moon’ or if I was (as I was) ‘A Maid in the Living-room, a Cook in the kitchen and a Whore in the bedroom’. I was just one person, and hey – in getting me to marry him, he’d already conquered that mountain.
Like our delightful letter writer today, he’ll die never knowing the true joy of living – Love.
Like CL said in another UBS ‘cheaters NEVER cheat on people who love and desire them’ …
When asked WHY? My cheater replied: because she was a new c___ and a new pair of t—.
One of the most honest things he said. Along with, no I never felt guilty.
was that a typo Patsy? I most certainly DID love and desire him – but he most certainly DID cheat on me!
PS – ‘The Great I Am’ also told me he felt no guilt.
He didn’t have to tell me he didn’t feel any guilt, it showed.
I suspect that he didn’t have to be careful to not fall in love it all. He’s just a big baby who so resents not being man enough to love that he chose to “rise above it” (UBT: Run away like a damn coward) instead.
Serial cheaters can’t make real connections to other people; it’s all the thrill of the seduction/chase + the power of deceiving someone.
Yep Tempest – Amen to that! 🙂
Yes, exactly!!! My STBXH runs away when shit gets real in his life…I’m sure he will run off or try to at least – He’s a coward, rather than honor his commitment to me, he wants to divorce and go “be happy”….
these type of people have no honor
It read to me like a bunch of macho-dribble. He was just a stud, and a player….never let himself fall in love. Kind of like in some stupid cowboy novel.
Riding off into the sunset alone
More like digging his own grave…little by little, year after year. Alone. What a POS!!!!
What a waste of a life. This is one of those gross guys who get off on posting dick picks on Craig’s list. #byefelipe
Did you know that banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories per hour? True story.
(I refuse to dignify today’s letter writer with a response.)
LOL! 😀
Sick. While this asshole’s wife was knee deep in raising kids, doing the hard work of the slog.. he was out fucking 21 year olds? And he’s not sorry?
I am no shrink but this guy is at the MINIMUM a raging narcissist and quite possibly a sociopath.
Kudos to the now departed wife who raised their three kids and did the hard work of being the adult.
Wha wha…. Boo hoo…. Just couldn’t handle the responsibilities of being a husband & parent but these guys have no trouble getting their wives/girlfriends pregnant. Gee, where have I heard this before? Wussies… Spoiled babies all of these cheaters.
I have no respect for a serial cheater who by nature is a sociopath and cannot ever be “honest”. What he said was he had no honor or respect for his wife and children from the starting gate. He BLAMES his wife for getting pregnant against his wishes. I doubt there is truth to this. He didn’t want to raise his children and selfishly abandoned his family because it was too much work maintaining a double life with twins. The destruction he caused was an afterthought 35 years later. Serial cheaters hide within a marriage and as they get older it becomes a a burden keeping all the lies straight. They take that step toward “happiness” which in itself is a lie. Cheaters cheat and end up old and unfaithful to the end. The truth is his children want nothing to do with him and he continues to defend his disordered self to the end. The only thing I take from this is we live better and CAN gain a life once we rid ourselves from the lying cheating assholes. If your spouse cheats expect more. Divorce is the best option if you want a guarantee they won’t cheat again. Because they do and will continue to hide in a relationship if you allow them to.
A life wasted trolling for pussy, thinking you’re Mr. Big Stuff because you are SO fantastic that women devoid of self-respect the world over were unable to break free from your sexy spell. Now you’re 70, resigned to living alone, furiously masturbating to porn. Your own children don’t even care if you are alive or dead.
That’s quite a legacy, my man. Do the world a favor and step in front of a freight train. Free up some oxygen to other people who actually deserve it.
*Gasps for air* Rumblekitty, you are hilarious!
“Do the world a favor and step in front of a freight train. Free up some oxygen to other people who actually deserve it.”
Bwahahahahaha!!!!!
Thanks for posting. I am all out of vitriol this morning.
Damn good post, Kitty!
Rumblekitty, I 100% agree with this, “That’s quite a legacy…”
This guy’s mindset sounds a lot like my serial cheating ex. It’s the thrill of the chase to satisfy his ego – he simply wants to be wanted by all women, all the time. My role was to be the facade so he looked like he was the right kind of person to friends and family. And no true remorse once all was out in the open. But I don’t expect him to stay single forever like this guy because he wants someone to take care of everything for him and make him look good while he subtly degrades them and makes them feel inferior to him. His ego enjoys that too and it’s another way he ‘gets off’. Sickos, that’s all they are.
ByeBye
It is all about control. X hid in a marriage with children and I certainly made him look good for appearances only. X was a dreamer with no substance. They don’t find someone better as many chumps believe, they hide in another relationship and degrade their next victim. He found someone who sings praise and adoration for his ego. There may be no logic to their actions or cheater speak yet they are predictable as CL highlights so amazingly. There’s the presence of shit sandwiches, false remorse, and maintaining supply to name a few.
As a chump we want to believe they aren’t a sociopath, serial cheater, or narcissist and that they are redeemable. We accept their inadequacies as our own. We want to maintain stability for our children. By definition a serial cheater must be caught repeatedly. Why wait? Once is enough. It should give us insight for their potential. Cheating requires deception, planning, lying, and fucking someone Never reconcile with accepting their actions.
That being wanted by all women, all the time deal gets old after a awhile 🙂
My attempt to fill in gaps:
“After about half a century of being a serial cheater, I have figured out… looking back now… that cheating was probably wrong. Just like cheating on your taxes is wrong. I still think about cheating all of the time, and I still cheat on my taxes, but you know who doesn’t cheat on their taxes and stuff? Boring people.
I have no relationship with my three grown kids (three that I know of–wink, wink), but I have no bond with them, so fuck ’em. Why no bond you ask? Well, I didn’t spend enough time with them, I guess. I was chasing this sweet young thing when the twins were born, so you know how that is, right? And the older one, well… I was only around it for a few years (did I neglect to mention even its sex?), and lord was that boring… like marriage.
You know what’s not boring? Chasing pussy. Those things are wired right up to a woman things brain and activated with compliments. See how smart I am? Really fellas, If you aren’t getting laid constantly it’s because you don’t appropriately appreciate plying women with compliments to get laid. Did I tell you I am 70, and I have to take pills to get it up, but this is still how I think about things?
Anyway, I know I did wrong, and no I wasn’t sorry, and after 50 years I kind of get that I am supposed to be sorry about some of this, but more than that… I struggle with thinking about cheating all the time and how boring it is not to cheat.
Did I tell you about my 54 year old girlfriend? I’ve still got it, right? I wish I was Donald Trump”
———————————–
How did I do?
For the win.
@timeheals —-OMG, I vote you win 🙂
I think you could have thrown in having to take insulin or high blood pressure meds or something to, as a way to ridicule his physical condition. We all know having ED and taking pills to get it up is something we should all be ashamed and embarrassed by, right , timeheals?
I think Gramps in someway is trying to ” do right” by his dead wife in his letter. In his is own ego inflated way. Take note everyone… This is how assholes say they are sorry not sorry. It demonstrates very clearly that the selfish and disordered remain so. There is no seeing the light… There is no epiphany… The egocentrism remains at the core of these disordered individuals. They dont grow morals, or emphathy or feelings if the right one comes along… They remain true to one thing and that is their ego and self fullfilment( until death do they part)
His confession reminds me of this quote…. ‘ When you are dead, you dont know that you are dead. Its painful only for others. It is the same when you are stupid’ Please replace stupid with Narc.
Thanks for the PSA Gramps…. Keeping read that last quote….
“When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead. Its painful only for others. It is the same when you are stupid,”
Love it!!! So very, very true.
Bored and overwhelmed with the housework and childcare, quite an excuse there. Try it with an also working outside the home wife. Bad communication in the marriage for sure. Revenge on the wife for getting pregnant and all downhill from there. One of the parts that struck me is the not responding to the wife’s face, yet he recognized her agony. This is a tale of not taking responsibility, being lazy and cowardly, having no empathy, selfishness and it spiraling ad infinitum-taking an easy way out seducing women because he could, sucking them dry for narcissistic supply and then making the excuse that he can’t help it. I pity the children, anyone he is in contact with. Get some help dude, there are potentially more years of damage you can do.
The cheater version of American Psycho. Epic fail.
I know I am projecting (but like our hero here, I DON’T CARE) – but this guy reminds me sooo much of the guy who dropped the bomb on my life:
– middle aged (50ish)
– never married (no children)
– no ‘real’ apparent connection, or desire for serious connection
– shallow to a startling degree
– no apparent conscience, just ‘damage control’
I wish the people in these asses lives could REALLY see them for what they are. Then they would be alone, and no one would be hurt by their sociopathic shenanigans.
SC you are the living definition of a creep and those that TRULY know you wish you would just die. You will leave this planet unloved and missed by no one (except maybe the last victim you are paying with false currency – the lies you spew like bad breath…). Enjoy your slimy, shallow, used car salesman life – but don’t get yourself in a position where you NEED someone, because unless you can pay for it, no one will be there for you. You see, you think you are playing all these women, but the fact is – they are using you too. And when they can’t get the compliments/rush/free dinners/trips/gifts FROM you, they will move on…
A bit insulting to car salesman. There may be betrayed car salespeople among us.
I love this letter. You don’t have to run it through the UBT. He admits everything!
He’s a serial cheater because it’s fun.
His wife wasn’t his partner, she was his babysitter.
He’s not sad about hurting her, at least not beyond how much her pain reflects upon him as a person.
He doesn’t enjoy love nearly as much as he enjoys “chasing pussy.”
He’s not sorry about cheating, he’s sorry about having to go through the process of fallout after discovery.
Thank you for sending this, Serial Cheater, and thank you to Chump Lady, for posting it.
I think it’s the perfect counterpoint to all the cheater-defending troll posts we see here from time to time and provides much-needed insight for people who are struggling with the decision to reconcile or divorce from a repeat offender.
OP here again. Exactly. I just wish people woul read the original very carefully. It is a condensation of many years of my life. I’m not miserable. I’ve had a very happy life and just put out a warning to all, cheaters have no remorse. Don’t try to keep them around. Get rid of them and move on.
why are you even on this site if you are so happy?
you are a pathetic piece of worthless crap. you ruin lives and dont care who you hurt.
cheaters suck. they are nothing. nothing at all.
Disgusting. My father brought 4 children in this world from 3 different women. 2 passed at birth. But the 2 alive were not present as he he laid dying in a hospital for months. You see, he said he loved us. However there was never 1 action to show it. We never knew he was dying until the day after his funeral. He was too much of a scared little boy to ever reach out for love and honesty. We probably would have visited. It’s hard to know. We were busy bringing his grandchildren in the world. None of which he ever met. Mr OP, my best advice to you is make peace. Accept and acknowledge your shitty choices that harmed your children. To your children. They deserve that. And maybe your life won’t be quite as worthless.
You’re still here, RH? *blah*
Do the world (and your kids, this site, etc) a favor…choke on a fistful of Viagra and die already.
Please don’t use your real name. I’m changing it, but please spare me the trouble. And all the RH’s who are not serial cheaters. This is Google-able.
You may not be “miserable.” You certainly are hollow. ” There’s one thing you can’t hide, it’s when you’re crippled inside.”-John Lennon
fascinating – obviously there is some urgency that we read very carefully and the need to warn us ‘the world’ to move on… Really? Why? For absolution? No, I don’t think so… So, he found this website, got published and is posting up a storm… to validate what we already know? I think the contradictions here are just meant to incite a chump riot… Interesting he is using an identifiable name to draw further attention. – I still think this whole thing is a sham for an exhibitionist’s entertainment value.
I for one appreciate this letter from RH. Not because this is anything I haven’t already learned through my own painful experience, but because I know there are many readers/lurkers here who are still dancing the dance with serial cheaters, still full of hopium, still riding the unicorn hard. I think it is very helpful for those chumps to get the bad news straight from the horse’s mouth (or maybe straight from the donkey’s asshole) — these types do NOT change, they do NOT ever feel remorse, they do NOT give a fuck and if they stick around, it’s only for their own selfish reasons. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but until it is committed to heart, a chump cannot break free.
OP. You have just said exactly what I was trying to say but you said it so much better and in a lot less words. I was using my life as an example. One of the problems with this web site is that you are all drinking the same cool aid or talking to the converted.
RH
We are not compelled to get it. We live by example with integrity and morals. You are not the leader or follower. Your a blank space in time with no substance. Our strength comes from a place of doing no harm. You are devoid of the ability to teach or learn. Your presence is your insecurity, that is obvious. We see you and know you already. Now be generous and donate your brain to science. Researchers unlike chumps would love to pick your brain.
“One of the problems with this web site is that you are all drinking the same cool aid or talking to the converted.”
Did you happen to notice the tag line on the website? I bet you go to the Harley Davidson website and ask why they don’t talk about Honda’s more right after you’re done trolling this site..
Why are you really here?, and don’t try the ‘I want to help people’ or the ‘I have a message’ answers, go with something more believable, like “I want to tell you about how I get laid, and how I have a company and how I went to school.. did I mention I retired young and have a hot girlfriend?” You’re probably also hoping you can hook up with someone.. perhaps there’s an old grandma on here you can manipulate by telling her she doesn’t smell like moth balls (drives the old chicks crazy).
A real problem with this website (for you) is that the folks here have been betrayed and found out about it.. so they have a fine tuned bull crap meter. You’re bull crap is reading off the charts.
Old women smell like mothballs? What say you senior women chumps? Is thiz ttue?
He tells them they don’t smell like mothballs.. that’s how he picks them up, with his smooth talking. Tell them ‘nice walker, what are you doing Friday night, I have an extra ticket for bingo’… The old chicks love bingo.
If this guy has money, and, especially if he has kept his looks and physicality, he may be attractive to some younger women, Raging. I see it all the time.
RH, Because of your touted wealth and entitlement, we understand your ability to maintain a sufficient number of toadies around you until your death. Further, you insist that you have led a happy life. You might even be a benefactor of charities and are revered by some.
You feel the Chump’s here are all drinking the “Kolaid.” Perhaps it is time that you reveal yourself to the larger world and write a book detailing in the same quasi-gloating manner your accomplishments. The reaction to your tome, would certainly root out all those pesky Koolaid drinkers, and clear your path to an unlimited supply of kibble. But, you couldn’t be bothered to care for your own children and wife, why would you want to perform such a service to humanity?
Your declarations are only reserved for this captive audience of the already informed.
Get it right, Jim Jones did not serve up Kool Aid – it was Flavor Aid.
but speaking of Jim Jones – I think the OP is working on killing off as many / just a little more slowly. ( if he gave four women HPV or HIV and they gave four others and so on and so on… Mass murder)
Enjoy your day off CL, you deserve it. Are you working on another book? I hope so. Cheers everyone!
Above comment attempt to not give any energy or thought to the psycho/sicko.
Serial cheater, so also a liar, right?
Tell me again why I should listen to this guy’s words about not feeling remorseful, rather than looking at his actions which scream “I think I f#cked up my entire life!” or “I feel bad, please pity me!” or both?
His life sounds sad to me.
?
This reads like a fake post from trolls on Reddit.
I’m not buying that the person who wrote this actually did any of what he said. It is much more likely it’s some 19-year-old lonely college student with too much time in his hands, enjoying messing with us.
We’re *chumps*, after all.
I agree it sounds fake. At the very least exaggerated. There was too much gloating.
JC & Muse – I think so, too.
I think it’s fake too. Reason being, when he first disclosed age of 70, I immediately thought ‘this doesn’t sound like how someone who is 70 expresses them self”.
But perhaps he IS real.
Oddly enough, on Saturday, I was approached on a dating site by a man who is 70. Being that age, he is out of my range of interest. He had very little information about himself in his profile. His message was chock full of compliments and he supplied me with his email and cell # to contact him. My brain was asking ‘is it possible to have a red flag throwing narc at the age of 70?’
Apparently so if the writer of today’s post is real.
Whatever……MY prospective 70 yr old goat will get no attention from me :-&
Glad I waited to read through the comments before posting. “Fake” was my first thought.
i would say fake too, except his narrative is so. damn. real.
lines right up with the facts we mighty chumps know all too well. lines up with many of XH’s FOO too.
i can still see XH’s face and eyes when i confronted him with being told about his 4 year affair. shark eyes, cold, not worried. i have gone back to that initial reaction many times to keep myself from being exploited again…especially during “reconciliation” and what i now know is his impression management.
is this letter “art” imitating life? maybe. but it is still truth.
OP here again. It’s okay to think that my posting is fake and that I am a troll. There are so many details of my life that I have left out in order to get to the point. In essence l just want to get to the point that I, like almost all cheaters, have no remorse. Everyone thinks that I have a terrible life. But I don’t. I am quite happy.
you seriously are pathetic….
MrsVain, there are so many definitions of happiness. I have a very strong feeling his definition is quite different from yours and mine. Thank goodness!
I know and believe you are happy, OP. Your happiness comes at the expense of many lives.
You are amoral. I have met many an amoral man and woman. Amazingly, they are all happy. But happy to someone who is amoral is quite different from those of us who are not.
Happy to you is mere existence. Basic animal instinct. Self preservation at all costs. You do not and will never know or understand joy. It’s a foreign concept.
I think of an “amoral” as the walking dead. Neither here nor there. Yet, I know you live among us.
Reading further down the vine, the only thing out of character is your advice to chumps to move on. It’s very generous of you. I’m surprised you give a shit.
Me too JC. Too much time with his dick in his hands anyway.
You should see my mail. I get quite a few letters from cheaters, mostly OW. I don’t usually run them. Is he a fake? If he is, he’s a sociopath of another kind to troll a chump site.
I think it’s real because in my experience of my disordered freak, they really ARE this stupid, this grandiose, this emotionally tone deaf, and this superficial. To troll it, you’d have to fake the fake. These people are incredibly shallow.
My ex once said “I LIKE being a narcissist!” in MC and he meant it. He really did. He didn’t see what anyone’s problem was really. When the mask slips, it’s usually crap like this.
Who knows, really? I ran it because I want to show people (preaching to the choir) that the affair partners aren’t Special. They’re just as contemptuous and unconnected to them. They’re just new supply.
This guy could be my ex’s brother. He’s real alright. Born without a conscience.
You’ve posted some of the OW letters in the past. I’d love to see some of the more “select” of those. Disordered FREAKS the lot of them!
Agree. I get a kick out of how delusional they are. Plus, I like seeing them clobbered.
Chump lady. I am glad you ran this letter. I’ve been reading in fascination with regards to psychopaths/sociopaths as I am convinced my husbands mistress was a low ball sociopath. Not just from his words but everyone that knew her who are never shy about telling my about her sociopathy. This does NOT vindicate my husband, but it answers a lot of questions for me.
You can call theses people every vile name in the book and it will not sink in.
Gramps serial cheater with the smelly, saggy, old junk sack? Nope he doesn’t care. I just hope 54 year old girlfriend is a smarter sociopath than him and is stealing him blind. Old fuck!!! Gives me goose bu,ps to think creeps like this walk amongst us.
Wow, this guy pissss folks off. Wonder if that strokes him.
I would agree it is fake, except I know someone exactly like this guy! Not my X-even he’s not that bad! One of his relatives, however, could have written this letter. At 65, he has wrecked 3 marriages, is completely estranged from his grown kids and is constantly on the prowl for young women (who are disgusted by his pornographic come ons). And he has zero insight into why none of his family wants anything to do with him!
Excellent POINT. Or he could be a 300lb 30 year old living in his mom’s basement jerking off to porn and Ashley Madison. At any rate, he’s crazy.
Hold on, I’m getting a message coming through from my ears, to my heart, straight to my chump vagina – WEIRDO!!!
LOL!
Perfect!
Hilarious!
As a man, I envy you gals your ear-vagina communication receiver mechanism. We guys have an ear-penis communication receiver mechanism instead, but all that picks up is ESPN and some classic rock radio stations. We were gypped.
Lordy. That guy is what happens when herpes has sex with vomit.
Well, on some women it is broken. And some can be manipulated with interference: words like, “jewelry,” or, “You’re beautiful,” or, “I’ve never known anyone like you,” or, “My wife is so cold, she just doesn’t understand,” or, “I think we might be soul mates.” Stuff like that just breaks the damned thing for some women.
Nomar – you should definitely be comedy scriptwriting – you kill me all the time! Double ROFL 😀
nomar,
“When herpes has sex with vomit” OMG that made my day.
I’m maniacally laughing at my desk & getting weird looks from coworkers:) lmfao
I disagree that men are less intuitive,nomar. Not all men love sports and classic rock.
Jenni that was ACE! …. ROFL 😀
You guys are hilarious! What a great laugh I just had sitting here all by my lonesome. 😉
Me too!
My ex was warned by my 30 year old son that he would die alone! I guess they really don’t care as they truly only love themselves! It’s pathetic reading this letter because this animal is so clearly a predator! No better than a serial rapist! His poor attempt at describing his wife’s pain and death is devoid of ANY true empathy! It sickens me, but it also reinforces the choice I made to divorce my cheater! Who the hell would want to live with that the rest of their life except some low value whore? What concerns me is the fact that he was not neutered and procreated. Clearly he doesn’t want ANY responsibility either! He can have a seat in HELL next to my loser cheater.
…amazing how these disordered assholes are exactly alike…soul sucking carbon copies of black holes of emptiness…
Ugh…Thank You God for getting me out before it was too late 😀
Best description ever!
Sometimes I wonder if sociopaths are emotionally retarded and to some extent intellectually too. They just don’t know what’s good. They can’t comprehend the beauty of secure intimacy. They keep chasing the wind and end up old, lonely swine that wallow in the mud and to them “that’s life”. They might acknowledge their character flaw but then immediate come up with excuses to perpetuate their junkie behavior. “I found cheating addicting…” And, “It may even be genetic…”
It’s disgusting that they will pursue their desire no matter who has to pay the price, spouse, sibling, parents, and acquaintances. They can’t comprehend what they are missing and I think this is how they ultimately pay the price. So their entire life is a sentence but they don’t even know it and they stumble on thinking highly of themselves. Meanwhile they are missing out on the best things in life.
Exactly, Michael!!! My STBXH couldn’t ever figure out that I would rather snuggle on the couch and being sweet to each other than be out “swinger-shopping” like he wanted to.
Thank God I didn’t!!!
That’s the point really, isn’t it? While this fellow is proclaiming what a great life he’s had, it becomes so clear that the person he has cheated is himself. He has robbed himself of one of the most meaninful parts of life, the ability to love and be loved. Without that, what is the point? All the fucks in the world can never compare with true love, true intimacy, true vulnerability. He might as well be a robot for as much human emotion as he displays. He is just a shell of a man and is actually quite pathetic.
It is sad. He really does believe he is happy. He thinks his temporary pleasures and being free of emotional pain are happiness. He will never know true joy or appreciate true beauty. He never had the heart wrenching experience of looking into his child’s eyes and seeing a new soul. He cant look at the stars and feel that sense of wonder. He’s incapable. His ‘happiness’ always comes at the expense of others, it is never a shared experience. He doesn’t care if he dies alone, because he has always been alone.
Exactly. Woe to those who call evil good and good evil,. And since it’s self inflicted it doesn’t even warrant pity.
Sociopath! Wow. His poor ex got stomach cancer in addition to misery from this jerk.
IMHO —- serial cheater—-f’d up old bastard is looking for some cake ladies. I would like to suggest stopping ANY & ALL comments immediately. He’s not worth our time or space or energy, he is sitting jacking off his little used up dead dick reading our comments. buh bye….
When I think about what I want to be remembered for and what I want to look back on from that age (70), he hits all the targets for my worst nightmare. Imagine being such an arsehole in life that all you have to look back on is carnage. What a miserable sack of shit of a man and a miserable sack of shit of a life. I hope his first three children learn from his shitty example and have grown up to be good empathetic and kind people that leave a better legacy, despite this despicable arsehole of a father.
It is clear to me that this 70 year old cheater is an un-evolved human being. He’s not capable of examining his life even now.
Shudder.
I can tell you how this pathetic sociopath is going wind up. Utterly alone. It’s a natural consequence of being horrible to all the people they are supposed to care about and support.
How do I know? Six years ago I took in my father. In reality he was not anything of the sort…..father I mean. As an only child, I felt I had to do the right thing. He had no one else. Cheater, sociopath, malignant narcissist, all wrapped up in one big dementia ridden package. I lasted almost a year. In the end he got ticked off over multiple things and went back to his house in a city across the country. Went NC with me because I would not support him buying a car. He had no clue that he was 1500 miles away from his home city, would get lost on pulling out of my driveway, and blamed me, of course. That was it…the end as far as I was concerned.
He bounced around to multiple assisted living places getting violent when he was thwarted. Fast forward six years. He died alone in a hospital in his home city. Because he refused to have me involved in any medical decisions, I didn’t find out he died til three days later. Luckily, it is now possible to have someone cremated, and a burial at sea all done by phone. There was no funeral. There was no one left to care enough to come.
Keep screwing over people who care about you serial cheater. You too will wind up alone, no one to help you in any way in your final days. Go ahead and burn all those bridges. No one will be left who gives a crap. Then you will get to be the victim to your little heart’s content. And when you die, the only emotions anyone will have about your death will be relief.
Well said, Tessie!
Exactly!
AB-SO-FUCKING-LUTELY!!! Most certainly, that when they leave this earth, the only emotion we will have is RELIEF!!! Amen to that!
The wages of sin.
I have just seen it to many time: many of these folks wind up revered and just fine. JFk, serial cheare. MLK, same.Nelson Rockefeller. Paul Newman. Charles Kuralt. Barbars Walters. Tiger Woods. Michael Jordan. Shaq. Kobe. Thomas Jefferson. The list is endless.
Sorry, it is just not true that they die alone,hated. Not sure where anyone comes up with this idea.
People adore the money, status, or fame, but I wouldn’t agree that these guys got off Scott free.
Maybe not but they were certainly admired and succesful by some standard. I suppose if there is some form of afterlife with consequences they may suffer. But, i know of no reliable evudence therd is one.
I’m also betting that he has not not done well financially and the 54 y/o is either supporting him or they are both on the dole/disability, etc.
Why is he reading this blog in the first place? What would lead him here if he thinks there is nothing wrong with cheating? And the part that disturbs me the most is that he watched his father suffer as a result of a serial cheater and knows the pain it wrought. Then he did it anyway. I agree that he’ll end up alone in a nursing home with no visitors on his old age. Hope he gets one bed sore for every skank he screwed in his lifetime.
Oh nooooooo, Carmella, don’t you see? Mom cheated, so that makes it GENETIC.
And when it’s genetic, of course, all blame is immediately absolved. Permanently. For good.
I like to remind people that not everything that’s hereditary is genetic. Families teach us both good and bad patterns of behaviour and ways of coping, but that’s NOT in your genes, and you’re NOT determined to follow that pattern unless you choose it.
And boy, has our buddy here chosen it. In spades.
So watching Dad suffer was clearly trumped by watching Mom have the time of her life with no-strings-attached sex.
OP here. I fail to see why responders are getting so annoyed. I do not like being a serial cheater. I am not boasting or bragging. I am outlining my life in as little detail as possible. It is my way of stating that serial cheaters are bastards. Don’t try to salvage a marriage with one. End it and get rid of him or her.
Fuck off, loser.
This letter needs no parsing. He’s a fucking SOCIOPATH. Period. End of story. He’s probably hit plenty of animals with his car and didn’t stop. Sociopaths have no remorse, ever, for anything.
Geez–piss off you old creep! Too bad you didn’t die of stomach cancer!
“She had a difficult life raising the three kids on her own. She managed to get them all through high school (just 12 years after the divorce) at which time she died of stomach cancer.”
OMG ….we should give some silence and thought for this poor fellow chump who never had access to CL and was not able to recover her life.. We should see her story as a sign that was sent to us on where staying with a cheater or not reaching meh can lead you too. I feel thankful that from my experience and everything I have learned on CL, I can now spot these disordered people easily and instead of being attracted to them I feel a nauseating repulsion when they are in my presence and they know I am on to them and stay away. I now only feel attracted to like-minded, authentic people who are full of love and respect for themselves and their family, friends and partners. Any woman who consciously dates this idiot could figure out who he was with a few questions on his life story or the gut feeling that this guy is off and if she has learned something from past relationships, she wouldn´t give him a second more of her time.
Who says his ex wife didn’t have a glorious new life with her three beautiful children once her cheater left?!? That is “his” take on it, you know the self absorbed dick. I imagine, like mine, her very best years were after he left! 😉
I was thinking the very same thing Drew. We are only hearing his version of his wife’s life after him. My NPD ex thinks I could not possibly be happy without the “gift of him” in my life either. With him out of my life, everything has improved and gotten sweeter!! Narcissistic cheaters always assume they know so much when they know nothing.
I have no plan or desire to marry – or even date. And I can promise that I’m as happy as a june bug in the sunshine.
Having somebody to fuck is his definition of happiness. I have another.
How shallow can a person be? I think we all know that answer now.
Tessie—your summation is almost word for word what I told the XBF many times.
Subsequent to my sending him to the curb, his cousin confided in me this to how she, his siblings and grown children feel about his worthless ass. I foresee him being buried in a pauper’s grave because his extended family will not care where he ends up, much less be willing to spend a dime on his funeral.
As an addendum to my above comment—-XBF’s father was a cheater with an entire other family that everyone had to ‘tolerate’ and interact with. XBF’s mother lived a life of pain and sadness. The favored son from the side family stood to inherit EVERYTHING, which was substantial.
When the time of his death was near, father only had one person by his side–the illegitimate son.
Fucked up doesn’t fall far from the tree. Scorched earth resentment filled familial history repeating itself.
Douche. Nozzle. Sad that the subhuman walk among us. They should be tagged before they are allowed to run free.
Pathetic.
Diablo, is that you?
You motherfucker, how did you find this site?
LMAO!
Dear Serial Cheater,
Real humans have empathy.
Yours,
Chumpion
P.S. Kiss my sweaty ass.
It took me awhile to come to terms with the fact that I lived with such a disordered asshole. Their expectation is we are so damaged we can never move on and date or find somekne who shares our values. This is the narcissusts legacy. It’s the hit and run discard as they leave us mangled on the side if the road.
We can hear it in the disordered’s letter. She never went out with anyone after a revenge affair and died of cancer.
This is why CN is so important. Whatever pain we have to deal with they are not that powerful. They no longer control our lives. I do live better. I will continue to take medication and see my therapist. I’ll make authentic memories with my amazing children. I will date and find a partner who shares my values and appreciates what I have to offer.
It’s been a year and there is so much more to life than wasting it on the actions of a remorseless selfish narcissist.
Same here!!! He WISHES I had done what I did with my first divorce— went out and hooked-up as much as I could, then met him 6 weeks post-divorce and almost immediately was with him exclusively for the last 12+ years…
Fast forward to now, and I am so not ready to be with anyone else- he is out and about and can’t figure out why I’m not out slutting around again- because I learned my lessons the first time around you disordered fuck!!!
Once the divorce is final, I will find a good man, I will be happy again, but first with myself being alone!!! Then and only then, when I get clear of him and can make sure I don’t fall for another loser, leech, chameleon, mooch like him!!!
Yes!!!
I’m so sad that his ex wife died of stomach cancer. Too bad his dick wasn’t infected with a flesh eating virus. That would be a perfect ending to his story.
It’s never too late for that flesh eating virus to arrive…..
!
At first I wondered if this letter was legit as it seems to be pulled from an old ‘How to be a Player’ handbook. Are you trolling this site looking for new victims to manipulate? Goodness!
We know why you cheat. But do you know why you cheat “Serial Cheater”? Do you? (Hint, it is not in your genes.)
We’ve heard this before: I cheat because I can; I am promiscuous because I can be; I don’t get attached because I don’t want to; I can do this because I am a man and I am just following nature. And, of course, all is fair in love and war, right? (wink, wink) You left out the part that you were lucky to be born a man in times when men held all the power. You were lucky and were therefore entitled. This isn’t feminist rhetoric but history. (My parents are in their 70s. I recall the economy and societal norms.)
There is a lot of image management in this letter. Like the part where your wife went off birth control pills because they were making her sick (they weren’t very safe then), that divorce for your wife would have been social suicide so she delayed it for as long as possible, and the worst part, that you were a dead beat Dad.
But, meh, it is just the story of your life.
My ExH said (of his serial cheating) that he was just ‘bored’. He was a only a tiny bit surprised when I told him that he broke my heart.
Thanks for the courage to pen this letter ‘Serial Cheater’. For me it gives further proof — that unless you want to change you will never change.
What a disgusting excuse for a human being. Ewwww……..
There is something about the degradation of women that sounds remarkably like Ted Bundy. This man had no sense of the people he screwed other than to degrade them, demean them and then throw them away. If you look at old photos of Ted Bundy you will see he always has a smirk on his face. That is what I pick up in this letter. He is just happy that he has gotten away with cruelty all of his life. That is so, so sick. The genetic component is scary because he has four children. Let’s hope that nurture tops nature this time.
It would be better if the writer is a troll.
Um…..something doesn’t feel right here. Something about the way he writes…his words, his tone, his choice of phrases….I don’t think he is who he says he is. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Now, why someone would *pretend* to be a 70-yr cheating POS is beyond me. But there’s something about the way he writes that seems off (in more ways than moral).
I feel it, too.
Ducks—-yes! That was my take on it which I failed to adequately express above…. It just sounds too ‘youthful’ for a better term. I can’t quite elucidate what it is but the way ‘he’ writes seems off to me, too.
Whoever, whatever….One thing we do know, this is a very disordered person no matter what their age, sex or intention.
But maybe–let’s just say for the sake of argument that he is who he says he is, and he is being truly 100% honest. (Hard for me to believe that someone who really gives zero fucks would take the time to write a letter to CL, except maybe for kicks, in which case, I don’t believe everything written is everything that he is.) Maybe the “off” tone is just another symptom of his pathology.
Serial cheaters really are freaks. And not the good kind.
My very first thought on reading this was “This isn’t a 70 year old at all.” I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s skeptical. I think it’s a troll of some kind. The tone, the choice of words, is much too youthful and contemporary for any 70 year old. It feels very “off”.
You to have to remember that these people (term used loosely) never mature or grow, so it could very well be. My stbx is now 70, and when we met he seemed very youthful for his age. Little did I know it was because he was forever incapable of actually maturing.
Said this before, gonna say it again…now you are free to buy crunchy peanut butter. I’ll take being free, even if it’s painful.
This sounds like an addict. Like a hardcore smoker, not sorry even while they are dying of lung cancer. Like a heroin addict, missing the high, and that’s it. Lack of boundaries, grandiosity, empty, soulless insides, no ability to empathize.
It’s a mystery to me how there are so many evil people in the world.
I can’t tell if this is real or not. Either way, it’s horse shit from a horses ass.
Flowerlady — I thought the same thing. This seems like it might be made up. If it’s not it just makes me sad.
What a sad, pathetic life. To be that driven by your ego and your libido seems absolutely the most insidious waste of everything that can be beautiful and authentic and fulfilling about life — and about genuine intimacy with another person.
What a gross letter from a horny, misogynistic worm.
Yes, I agree. Sad, pathetic, empty life. I’m realizing that I’d rather be a chump with all of the sadness and pain that has come with it than to be a shallow person with no feelings and no compassion for others and no way to authentically connect to anyone.
This is truly a snapshot of sociopathy. “My” sociopath is only interested in me when I am detached, upbeat, looking good, busy and other men may be around. Then I am a prize to be won. He once complained that I was the distancer. But if I break and show upset or attachment to him now, he is stone cold. As you can see, these are not people you want as your spouse if you become sick.
… and in a relationship (not even common law) with another woman (quite attractive 54 year-old) and with whom I have a fourth child (now 19 and in 1st year university)…
I’m more curious about her. A woman who has been in some sort of non-relationship with this quasi-human cyst for nineteen years (according to him, of course). What is the mental process there? And what kind of young adult have they gifted society with? Poor kid. As for him, I figure he wrote for kibbles simply because they’re probably getting hard to find these days.
I was wondering the same thing Pearshaped. I’m thinking that relationship is a figment of his imagination.
and the reason for him to write to Chump Lady is……………………………….seeking more attention. What a loser!!!!!!!
I found this someplace on the net…..
Narcissist (noun): a more polite term for a self-serving, manipulative, evil asshole with no soul.
Well, if it is true, I appreciate the insight into the mind of the sociopath. It is the kind of honesty I always wished my sociopathic, narcissistic, children’s father would have said to me. It verifies everything I have thought to myself on how the cheating mind works, and how easy the world has become for sociopaths to prey on the weak and vulnerable (me, once). I agree with CL that this is sort of his version of kibbles, but I like to hear it and learn from it and protect myself and others from it. Similar as to when psychologists interview serial rapists, murderers or child molesters — repugnant, disgusting and yet, fascinating. To hear how they groom their victims, choose their victims and lure their victims, helps us more to protect ourselves from being a target. If I had had this CL knowledge before I met my ex, I may have not been jerked around in the first place. But it is like you have to live it to finally seek out the knowledge and learn from it. But what Chump Nation can do is to help get the word out, and see it when it is happening to others we know and love. Chump Lady brings a voice, a moral guidepost and a community to stop this very specific and devastating kind of abuse and maybe push back against the growing narcissism, neediness and addict behavior that seems to be growing in all areas of the quick, easy, anonymous, internet-based world.
^^^ Great post^^^ If it is true, I find it interesting that this “warning to move on” reads like a strange confessional much later in life- And yes, there are the fine lines of forensic psychology in the grooming, luring, and choosing a victim, or willing participant? Scary world.
Moving on from an unloving and emotionally abusive marriage or relationship of infidelity is living through the experience and this knowledge is a lesson in life. I don’t think the author of this letter had the guts to be honest to those who mattered most, when it mattered most.. But that also kind of reveals the pathology of no straight line in these minds by confessing it here anonymously, too. Still, it is a window into the very entitled, chaos-making world of the detached, and cold-hearted, Lothario types.
Scan. Discard. Select. Move on. What a waste of space this guy is. It’s too bad he didn’t die before he contributed to the gene pool. Bleck!
Serial cheaters maintain a life sentence of lies and deception. We don’t have to accept a life sentence with the disordered.
I always felt like I was working toward something in my marriage. Some here described it as the goal post moving. The mind fuck of thinking you are a couple is an illusion. No matter how hard I tried to pin down what he wanted it was clear he just wanted to lead a double life.
Filing for a divorce cemented the goal post and ended MY life sentence with an abuser who continues to live with OW he’s cheating on, and “wishing” he had his life back.
My therapist predicted every move the disordered would make. I am solid in NC, working out, socializing, spending time with family and friends. The fucking life sentence is over.
Whatever his life brings I don’t care. I am not alone, I am free.
This is awesome, Donna – “divorce cemented the goal post and ended my life sentence with an abuser”. I felt this way last summer when my divorce became finalized. I also have come to believe that the “life sentence” you speak of was, for me, really a “death sentence”. Now I’m setting my own goal posts and finding me again and feeling so good about the forward momentum.
Yay!! There is hope! Here’s to forward momentum!!
Donna: my therapist predicted everything too! Every time he would tell me something was going to happen I would say, “no way. He doesn’t know my wife.” But then sure enough, his predictions would come true, even the one about how my ex would ultimately want to parent her children.
I am SO GLAD to finally be out of limbo and back finding out how to live an authentic life again.
Good for you Charles. There really is a playbook.
Guys
People always doubt these things exist when they write in.
“This must be some kind of joke!” they exclaim.
Here is one written by a female sociopath.
Notice the passivity and lack of involvement in the writing style, but an ever present means of communication that conveys their point.
http://www.waking-you-up.com/Sociopathic-woman.html
Also, I am pretty sure that sociopath/psychopathy is a condition you can born with and it is more likely that you will be born wired that way if you have a parent or genetic line. He can no more change this complete lack of remorse than a shark can. I have read some of the brain science articles on this, and sociopaths brains are wired drastically differently than those of “norms” — I read a semi-recent book on the Columbine killers and that was the theory — the main kid was a sociopath. Good family, friends in school, not bullied. That these were misconceptions. That sociopaths are not raised, although bad childhoods can exacerbate it. So, I am not saying this to excuse a sociopath like the cheater above, but to say, they are wired that way, are dangerous to us, and the only way they can act in non-harmful, or predatory ways is for them or parents that see the traits early on to make a conscience choice to teach them to approach the world in a way that does not harm by learning to think around their lack of empathy. If they don’t have that kind of training and therapy, they will always be predators and we their prey. Regular therapy just gives them the chance to learn the right things to do and say to seem “sincere”. Since all humans exist to serve the needs of the sociopath, they tend to be this kind of serial cheaters.
I do not think all cheaters are of this brand. Some are plain old narcissists, some are just character deprived assholes. The main point of this is the best thing we can do is not blame ourselves, not lose once second of sleep over lost “love”, and to protect ourselves from being the weak in the “herd” and not get taken down by these predators. We were ignorant before, but now we have and share knowledge. Their is power in that and we owe it to others to speak out.
OP here. Sarah, I have made special reference to your above post at the bottom of this thread. I’m hoping that if most people actually read all the way to the bottom, and see the posts on my childhood, they will come back to your posting. They may then have a better appreciation of what the problem is. I certainly have since reading your post. I thank you for injecting your thoughts.
I think the letter is real, because this is exactly how the disordered think and feel. If it is NOT actually from a 70 year old, then it is from a younger sociopath claiming to be 70. Either way, the thought pattern and sentiments expressed here are really how this person thinks, I am willing to bet on that.
This is just another play for attention, even negative. Poor fella, he ‘can’t help himself’. Yeah, just try telling to stop and see the results. Cheating is not an accident. You don’t just trip and end up with your dick in her vagina. It takes work. Its a choice, a CHOICE!! He is choosing to be a cheater and hes got way too many who will believe his lies. There is no hope. Let him mold and die alone with his ‘problems’.
Yeah, the can’t help himself genetic excuse really burns me up. My son is mentally ill, and on a bad day isn’t even on this planet, much less able to control himself. He was cursed with a brain disorder, whereas this guy – and others like him – have a willingness to control themselves problem. He’s blessed with all his faculties, he just CHOOSES not to use them.
Einstein, really sorry about your son. That is so tough. Hope you ard ok.
All cheaters think they are immortal.
TheLadyisaChump, they always believe they are hot property, sexy and young! In reality they become a ridiculous caricature, a case of nothing more than arrested development! Some of these sloppy, fat, over the hill Romeos are beyond delusional!
Roberta, you are so right. Handout Boy still thinks he’s a mysterious, soon-to-be-discovered writer/rock star. The guy is a wrinkled, gone-ass 52 year old sleeping in his mom’s cowboy wallpapered guest room. Last I heard he’s joined Classmates.com and trying to make contact with old “female friends”.
Immortal/immoral. They’re easily confused
I am stunned by the depth and breadth of this evil. When you think about how many trusting, loving, kind women are out there and how they suffered. When you think about how his legitimate children suffered,(God help the one he didn’t know about) how their mother suffered, how she lived a life she didn’t deserve and died a terrible death, he becomes a pox, a cancer on the face of humanity. He damaged people, took time energy, faith in humanity, faith in love, took energy that should go to their children, left people without resources, How every woman who has come near him, and his radio active dick has come away in some level diminished or destroyed. It is astounding, and then when you compound his behavior with all of the douchy guys we all know about, you start to get a sense of why and how the human race has to work so hard to improve. Every generation loses a large part of themselves to the harm these intra species predators create.
If he believes in reincarnation, he’s probably coming back as a toilet.
LMAO!
This guy gets off on boundary violations. Classic sociopath. It’s like Cosby raping drugged women. It’s not about getting off, it’s about getting one over on someone and controlling the situation.
Whether the details are true or not, whoever wrote this is getting off on violating chump’s boundaries. By laying it all out there, in all it’s disordered splendor, he feels like he’s somehow hurting us. I’m sure he’d like to kill a few kittens too, while he’s at it.
I just feel sorry that his ex-wife couldn’t have had a very long, loving, enjoyable life for herself and her children! I could care less about his “story.”
It is so obvious from his lengthy and arrogantly indifferent comments, about his very predictable narcissistic lie of a life, that Serial Cheater is actually way too empty and void of any en-souled or authentic core self to ever have the capacity to know what a miserable man he really is or what an empty vulgar meaningless lie of a life he has lived. Ah it is a paradox with narcissist and psychopaths as he does know on the factual level that he is a creepy deceptive misogynistic arrogantly cruel man that has knowingly lived a pathetic life where he has indifferently harmed others with zero conscience. He knows this on the factual level yet he will remain incapable of ever truly knowing on the human level what a pathetic and empty existence he has lived. He will never understand this as a real authentic human being that has the capacity to relate to life and to others in ways that bring meaning to his life and to the lives of others. He is a methodically robotic man living a very predictably pathetic shallow predatory meaningless life. It is obvious this man is extraordinarily lacking in even the most remote capacity to relate to his world and other human beings in any truly human way. He lacks a conscience and empathy even for his own children. The utter metonymy of his life must be unbearable on any level that could possibly ever matter.
His life as he describes it is a life of narcissistic-ally driven deadness where he has continually attempted to escape his own pathetic void-ness via harming and using others. It is clear that these predatory attempts to escape the metonymy of his own existence have not worked out for him in any way that really matters as his own pathetic narcissistic void-ness is inescapable and try as he might to escape the pathetic-ness of his own existence it will not happen. How can he escape what he is?
It does not matter how many women he manages to use, harm and discard each act against his own humanity and the humanity of others only plunges him deeper into his own vastly expanding void-ness.. His attempts to escape his own methodic emptiness via preying on the lives of others and violating, harming and discarding people even his own children like nothing in life matters, will not ever work out for him.
In fact it seems clear as he is pondering his miserable little life at 70 that he has only become more pathetic and void and his life is obviously even more mundanely meaningless than ever.
What if more of the healthy, normal, non-narcissistic people of the world woke up and no longer participated with the narcissist and psychopaths of the world? What if we no longer danced their dance? What if all of the women that serial cheater had ever tried to pick up or use were able to see right through him and avoided him like the plague that he is? Where would he go to feed then? Who would he use and violate so he could break the monotony of his own existence? One of the keys to dealing with the narcissist and psychopaths in this world is for non-narcissist to learn how to not participate and feed them by buying their lies and allowing their violations. Do not feed the narcs.
Spell check —monotony not metonymy 🙂
Martha, my one consolation in life is knowing that my ex can NEVER really escape from who he truly is! I hope he is absolutely miserable and searches forever for his elusive “happiness!” That makes ME very happy! I can only hope he never realizes that the source of his own discontent is his own rotten fleshy existence! Bonus: he’ll make Schmoopie miserable too!
i dont really care if the exhole escape from who and what he truly is.
the important thing is that i escaped from him. he is a spineless coward who was not man enough for me. there is SO MUCH more in life then just fucking and opening another beer to drown your sorrows in.
i will live a happy life, i still have the things that are important to me. i dont waste another thought on what was important to him or if he is happy. i am sure the hood rat he is fucking is just as good to him as i was only on a much lower standard of life. it is not my problem anymore if he is happy, healthy, eats well, etc
i live my own life, i take care of what i need to take care of and i do what makes me happy.
And this is the entire sum of this douchebags entire existence. He clearly missed the memo about lifes rich pageant. What a waste, what a fool.
This cheater did NOT teach us anything new about cheaters. This cheater only confirmed what we already know about cheaters. Like ALL cheaters, this letter was all about himself. He felt compelled to put his story out there simply to get the attention he desperately needs to feel alive. He is nothing special. He is your run of the mill cheater. Not all of our stories about our cheaters are the same but the one thing they have in common is their selfishness. Same with this guy. Pathetic.
As rage-inducing as the letter-writer is, I can’t really say I’m surprised at his attitude.
I hate to say it, but I honestly believe that most cheaters – serial and otherwise – don’t end up regretting one damned thing. The idea that they somehow, someday come to their senses? It’s a fairy tale. That there is some sort of karma awaiting them down the line? Bullshit. It may not be fair, but in this world, good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. It is what it is.
The fact is these people are wired differently than us. They don’t have the same values as us, they don’t strive for the same successes we do, they don’t hold dear what we hold dear. They don’t care. They are indeed aliens to us…and this world is chock full of them. They cannot be changed and they cannot be eradicated. Identifying them would be much, much easier if they had some kind of physically identifying mark – like a big red ‘NARC’ tattooed on their foreheads – but they don’t. They live among us in plain view.
The only thing we, as decent human beings, can do is stay clear of them and not let them into our lives. If they are already in our lives, we must get them out as quickly as possible and keep them out by whatever means possible.
God, there’s so much ugliness in the world…
Babuska, there is karma waiting for many of them. Some of those free-wheeling idiots do in fact die alone and miserable and still hollering for people to fix their lives for them. And they hear crickets.
The majority of cheaters are not one bit sorry-some just feel that they have to ACT sorry. The reality is that these cheaters are not going to have some sort of epiphany and realize, “oh my God” what have I done to my wife and family!?” Even the non sociopaths will justify their selfish behavior in their heads and you will never get the full truth out of any of them so don’t even bother trying. Regarding karma, I have seen it happen quite a bit in my lifetime to be discounted. As for the serious sociopath, when anything bad happens to them it just rolls right off them and they carry on without skipping a beat. Going to jail does not phase them in the least. Most, if not all, narcissists to tend to suffer from deep depression especially as they age.
It is not true depression. It is called narcissistic decompensation. They don’t get what they feel they are entitled to which leaves them frustrated and depressed, but it is a very different type of depression. Aging is tough on narcissistic cheaters……..poor sausages.
Right, it is a different type of depression and I believe far worse as it has a lot of anger/frustration in the mix. My father-in-law (raging narc) comes to mind and he had major health issues to boot. The day of his funeral there was a bash held at my mother-in-law’s home and it was one of the best parties I have ever attended. No one mourned him, there was just major relief that he was gone.
i also do not believe that karma will get them. my exhole is as happy with this loser hood rat bitch as he was with me. he is too shallow to even notice what he is missing. i could try to explain it to him, how he is missing on watching his children grow, how he is missing bonding and connecting with his kids, how he is missing being honestly loved just by being there evry day. i tried to explain how when someone truly loves you, they put you first and it is okay to make mistakes once in a while (like forgetting to pay the water bill or wrecking the car or losing a job) and you will still be loved. i tried to explain that there is more to life then just partying, visiting with people who are doing the same shit this year that they did last year, and drinking and working your life away. i tried to explain how people you dont think are bad can use you and disrespect you. i only hated his mom and sister because they took advantage of him and now he throws it in my face that i never liked his family.
in the end, it didnt matter. he just does not think that way. it didnt matter that i stood by his side for 14.5 years, that i cleaned up his messes and fixed his mistakes. it didnt matter that i gave him 2 wonderful boys or kept the house going so when he came home he had clean clothes, water for a shower and food to eat. it didnt matter that i loved him and forgave him all the times he purposely hurt me. or that i did everything i could to give him a good life and make him happy.
his oompa loompa hood rat is doing all that for him now. she cooks and cleans and fucks him when he wants. apparently she rocks and hums him to sleep too (something i never did). when i was trying to get him to see that he was fucking up and making bad choices, she made him feel better and supported his decisions. when i was trying to get him to man up and do the right thing, she got him to believe he wasnt doing anything wrong and i wasnt treating him right. and when he just couldnt deal with his wife, she called me and told me off for him.
she was the one who told me out with the old and in with the new. will she love him like i did? probably not. will she stand by his side when he goes to jail and cant buy her new clothes, beer and drugs? i doubt it. will she pay to keep him out of jail, and put gas in his truck and feed him when he doesnt have a job? maybe but not for long….
but it doesnt matter to a man like my ex or the op. because there is another one waiting on the side to show him that she will love him and take care of him. i dont matter. the kids dont matter. his hood rat doesnt even matter just like the op wife and his 3 kids with her. his last kids doesnt matter either or is 54 year old beautiful whore.
they have no remorse. they do not feel bad and they do not care how crushed you are. they will tell you “It is what It is” and “get over it”
so i did. i got over it. i changed my name and my sons name to my maiden name. i am paying for my house and i see my boys every day. i cherish my life, my children, my job. the best sound for me is my childrens laughter. i am still doing and living my dreams only without a selfish, whiney, needy, joy sucker of a husband. we are truly better off without this loser.
he might not think of me. he might not care about me. but i dont think of him or care about him either. and he is too stupid to know that he is the one who lost. since he doesnt even know what he lost. i really didnt lose anything because exhole always treated me bad. but he lost a good woman who would have stood by his side, who would have taken care of him and the love and support of a family. how can you expalin that to someone who never valued it in the first place?
“I hate to say it, but I honestly believe that most cheaters – serial and otherwise – don’t end up regretting one damned thing. The idea that they somehow, someday come to their senses? It’s a fairy tale.”
Yes. I don’t believe that most narcs end up “alone and lonely” like many others here believe. They are usually very skilled at landing on their feet, recovering from adversity and moving on without a glance back. They don’t feel regret for anything. If they end up alone, they still blame someone else for that fact, they certainly don’t feel sorry or remorse. Do they get mad and frustrated if they don’t get what they feel they deserve? Sure. But they don’t feel sad because they didn’t feel love or enjoy puppy dogs and sunshine — they don’t care about such things. They are happy if they have memories of successfully using and tricking other people. I personally think that a high percentage of narcs are quite happy in their delusional worlds, and in fact, might be happier than many normal people because they are never bothered by doubt or remorse or guilt or anxiety or introspection or any of those other pesky feelings the rest of us have.
Sure, some might end up alone and unhappy, but realistically, so do a lot of normal people.
They are like an alien species. They share the same biology and some basic psychological functions with us, but their thought processes are very different and hard for us to understand. The only way to protect yourself is to stay away.
Babuska, people used to always say my ex would be sorry after he realized what he had done, but I always assured them he would not. He didn’t have that much sentimentality. He always seemed to live in the current moment, and didn’t have strong attachments to anything but his own ambition. The last thing he said to me was, “when I look in my future, you’re not in it.” I don’t think he even meant it as the sword to the heart that it was. He’s always facing forward and never glances in the rear view mirror to consider where he’s been, or how many people he’s run over.
“I don’t think he even meant it as the sword to the heart that it was.” Lyn, I can relate to some of the things you said, and my ex said some incredibly hurtful things on dday, but I don’t think he meant them to be hurtful at all. He was just stating “the facts” and how he saw things. But the shark eyes he had that night showed me all I needed to know.
So like my cheater too, Lyn. In frustration, I told him he lacked the “milk of human kindness”, had no concept of the Golden Rule, had no understanding of human connection…but like RH/OP, it had no impact on him. It only served to give him more information that he could use to harm or distance himself from me. They seem to feel we deserve the abuse for being so stupid as to believe they care.
Awwwwwh, sounds like his kibble rations are low and he wants a wittle bit of attention.Why else would he write here.This letter just proves the point that age doesn’t always equate wisdom.
Chumplady:
Thanks. I’m now 10 steps closer to “meh” and “trusting that they suck.”
I’m going to go be mighty today, and not let my ex-wife drag me down.
Dear SC:
thank you so much for your honesty, especially about the lack of guilt and remorse.
You are one sick puppy, but it is your life to live.
Hope it was a good one!
I think a bored idiot is using every cliche to try to stir us up. That’s why he’s a conglomeration of every one of our exes.
I’m still laughing at his “using his dick as the needle on his moral compass” !! Great image!! And, North vs South is an hilarious concept to ponder.
Textbook narc… Mr. Serial Cheater wants to be the poster boy for them and parade himself in front of us…blah blah blah Even now as he sits before his computer, old and shriveled up, he can get his jollies by clueing us all in (a whole group of Chumps) as to the mechanics behind his cunning superiority. His twisted mind thinks we somehow should be impressed by his grandiose gesture of providing insight of why and confirmation of no remorse… as if we didn’t already know that sick bastards exist and take advantage of people in insidious self-serving ways.
Narcissists feed on genuine human emotions of others like a bowl of Wheaties – it’s all part of accomplishing their great feats of self-gratification – “I am the Champion!” They are incapable of empathy because they are seriously fucked up in the head. He sees it as a “character flaw” or possibly “genetic”… either way (due to nature or nurture) it’s beyond his control, thus his excuse and justification for behavior he CLEARLY knows is wrong. He may not be clinically/legally insane, but he’s still royally fucked up. Unfortunately, the rest of society is left to deal with his lack of getting mental health treatment (nor a vasectomy).
I had to a laugh at the part about him becoming “overwhelmed with the additional responsibility of being a father and housework (more than half of the house work), child care, maintenance, repairs and gardening etc. I still loved my wife, but started to fall out of love.”
Yes, those things (aka commitments to marriage, family, responsibilities) kind of force a guy to keep his dick in his pants at times and totally interfere with him getting that most important “it’s all about me time” or “sexual fix” as he put it… Narcissist’s don’t know what loving someone else is. They just love what the other person can do for them. If spouse doesn’t meet narc’s needs, then it’s spouse’s fault narc cheats…
He’s careful to avoid “falling in love” (because it’s too much work to maintain the charade), but he figured out, by golly, that there’s an emotional connection between the brain and sex organs in others which he can exploit and use to benefit himself! Besides, he always wore his wedding ring (made no secret of his marital status)… but, boy oh boy, he sure knew how to smooth talk and lie his way into bed with his victims, didn’t he? Match, set, point – blame it on “desperate women” for being gullible, wife included as she was the pawn he used to make himself appear to be Mr. Upstanding & Devoted Husband. No remorse. No guilt. No shame. No morals. Nope – not in the emotional repertoire of a narcissist.
The rest of his narrative is simply the path of destruction left behind by a heartless soul/spineless douchebag. May his children have the strength to walk away without feeling some sense of duty to him in the future. Hopefully they will happen upon his letter, somewhere on the internet, and recognize it be the writings of their father/sperm donor. The truth can set you free.
very well said over and out.
but you cant explain how to be a decent person to a waste of air that this guy is. he never valued what his wife did for him, he never loved or enjoyed his children and anything else that other woman gave him or did for him.
he is not lonely. he does not feel bad and he will never understand just how pathetic and shallow his life is.
you just can not explain it to someone this stupid. he thinks he is happy. but he doesnt know how happy he could have been if he put in the work and effort to be a real man. to grow old with someone who shared your life with you, who was there during the good and the bad days. to have the love and admiration of your children. to watch your grandchildren and have people care for you when you are old.
nope. this poor sap thinks he is happy living alone, no kids to bother him and watching porn. that doesnt sound like a good life to me.. i want more the that. but hey….it is what this loser wanted out of life. good thing he set his goal so low, i dont think he has what it takes to do more then watch porn and sometimes see his 54 yr old girlfriend.
“She never dated or had another affair after that….She had a difficult life raising the three kids on her own. She managed to get them all through high school (just 12 years after the divorce) at which time she died of stomach cancer.”
She was so heartbroken that she NEVER dated anyone else in the unbearable wake of my abandonment! She suffered! She died a tragic death! (Shivers of delight.) Kibbles kibbles kibbles for MEEEEE!!! — Old fuckwad cheaterpants
freevixen, delusional for sure. I have done more in my last six years single than I did in twenty eight years with Mr. TimeSuck Cheaterpants. Life is so much better without the disordered! Even the worst moments are better. We are surrounded by those we love and who love us. Truly what existence is all about.
I’m still trying to understand why the scumbag would care about what his abandoned wife did or did not do. Is it a victory to ruin someone for life?
Ah, it’s only that he matters and this is what he tells himself on a daily basis. He can’t admit to himself that he is all kinds of fucked up. Power. He has none when people walk away. And isn’t that what all his conquests have done? They have walked away.
I am with you Drew, even the worse moments are better.
What is great about this letter is that it proves Cheaters-anywhere on the spectrum-suck. The fact that this is a 70 year old man who sounds vacuosly entitled and clueless is icing on the cake. I do have to thank my ex and his whore. If not for the fact that they hooked up I would still be trying to carve out a good life with someone incapable of living it. I can appreciate the fact that he is not worth spending any more time on. Life lessons can be educational, you can bet I will be fixing my picker and looking for better qualities in the next person I allow into my beautiful world.
Please tell me this is a joke.
If not:
All hail the His Royal Majesty, King of All Douche-Canoes. Long may he reign.
Thanks CL…this is certainly useful as a PSA.
For the newbie chumps…take a look at this letter! This is exactly how all cheaters process in mind, body and soul (or lack there of). Had I read something like this when I found out about my psychotic exH cheating and about his double life, I would have turned and ran in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, CL was not around then…but HERE SHE IS NOW!!!
I was reading a few posts from last week and in the forums from newbie chumps, deciding whether to stay or go, divorce, etc., and well, here is your answer. I can guarantee that about 99.99999% of the cheaters have this mentality. This is them. This is how they think. This is how they don’t care about you. This is how much they care about the kids. This is what_____(fill in the blank).
Ask us how we know?
Geez. Notice none of us are shocked at this dick’s mentality.
Wow- no wonder you can’t feel remorse- it wasn’t your fault, right? You couldn’t help yourself. It was in your genes. A family cursed with cheating tendencies. And, Those girls? They practically begged for your attention- with their provacitive clothing, and willingness to participate in your sinful hobby. It wasn’t your fault.
You did feel ‘sorry’ for your faithful wife, when you zinged her with the final marriage killing blow of affair with the babysitter. Poor chump. But it’s not your fault. You don’t own your choices, they own you, right?
Truth is, you’re living proof that evil does exist. I wouldn’t even give you a title that hints at mental illness- you would probably be happy to slap on that badge, and use it to further remove you from responsibility, and consequences. You are just pure evil. It’s not your fault. Poor pig.
There’s a reason for your longevity- what a pathetic creepy old man you’ve grown into. You are a Public Service Announcement, and you don’t even seem to know it- ha!
I hope that your children take the only useful lesson you could have possibly offered them- how to avoid an empty common parasite existence… (And an eternity in hell)- and live their lives in the contrast that you’ve defined.
Thanks for the shout out, today, Satan. On behalf of myself, and the extraordinary people here who value authentic meaningful life, Fuck you.
Yes TodoVa!! As repulsive as Mr. Serial Cheater is, his message is a gift to all Chumps. We all need to do what’s best for ourselves and our families. These narc cheaters just don’t care about anybody but themselves.
My cheater would love to stay married, and continue his cheating. I’ve seen it in his family before; if I had to live on anti-depressants and prescription drugs to get through my sorry life with him, he’d be perfectly content. He doesn’t have the capacity to care, so I’m moving on without him.
It’s been a tough 3 years, but finally, I can clearly see how pathetic and empty he is. I hope Mr. Serial Cheater’s letter will help to put other chumps on the fast track to meh.
Thank you CL for posting this letter it has given all of us a “bash the cheating bastard” moment… which (speaking for myself) we chumps need every now and again. I enjoy being able to respond to, self absorbed, lying,piece of shit, wastes of space in a non judgemental atmosphere full of fellow chumps.I am so greatful to know I am not alone.enables me to deal with my worthless piece of shit, at a whole nother level. it’s not always easybut since I have found this site lot less. Everyones posts are all so wonderful.
That being said, I find it very difficult to wrap my head around somebody who just honestly doesn’t give a fuck. for 20 years I was hoping and praying mine was just ignorant already knowing that wasn’t the case. all I did was become a professional spackeler. this sick bastard just doesn’t give a fuck, not about what we say not about his actions towards his family or how god see’s him, he is perfectly okay being a piece of crap, hell he even own’s it like a boss. there is nothing a lobotomy and a shot of Thorazine wouldn’t cure right there!
2damnhot I can barely type a response I”m laughing so hard at yours! Your piece of shit sounds a lot like man! Thanks for making me laugh- I needed this right at this moment! : )
OP here again for the last time on this issue. Babushka has nailed it on the head. His analysis is dead on. I accept all the negative comments, slurs, jabs, and hate mail. However most of it is amateurish psychoanalysis and I don’t blame you for it. I hear your bitterness and disapointment with what has happened to you. I do not stand out in a crowd as a narcissist or psychopath. I have to agree we don’t think the same or feel the same. I should let you know I didn’t post for my benefit; not my ego, not kibbles or any koodows. We cheaters are badtards. I totally agree. Out and out Badtards. My life has turned out just fine. I have a BSc in biology, owned my own company, retired at 54 years old, travelled the world and retired very wealthy. I have willed all my wealth to my “spouse” and four children. What I have tried to say all along here is that cheaters have no guilt or remorse about their affairs. Don’t try to patch up a marriage. They won’t change and will cheat again. Doesn’t matter how much I’ll will you wish them they will come out okay. You should get rid of them and move on and make your life a better one as well.
And I am sitting here laughing at you. It is so funny to think that you believe you have had a good life. You have no idea what you have missed out on.
I’m laughing too. But you know what? I bet he has an inkling of what he missed out on. It’s like we’re at this great party and he wasn’t invited. He can’t even get in the door so when people ask him about it, he fakes it. It’s pathetic and sad.
RH, I thank you for your candor and willingness to suffer abuse, even as I pity your lack of deep emotional connection.
“My life has turned out just fine. I have a BSc in biology, owned my own company, retired at 54 years old, travelled the world and retired very wealthy.”… “just fine” isn’t measured by assets and so-called accomplishments at the expense of your soul. If you wrought nothing but pain and destruction on those around you, especially those who loved you, you are a failure in every sense of the word and your BS degree, owning a company and having shitloads of money is meaningless.
The Muse, yes!
I for one really appreciate the honesty. Why? Because I couldn’t get my head around the disconnect between the words of regret and the lack of remorse. It kept me stuck for the longest time. So RH is doing us a favour here. He is letting us know, clearly and concisely, the lack of connection.
What I hear:
Let me pretend I have a message and care about people, so I can drop this bomb:
“I have a BSc in biology, owned my own company, retired at 54 years old, travelled the world and retired very wealthy”
Why not mention that poor bloke you care about so much again, the one that got cheated on four times.. that you ‘feel’ for… Eventually I might believe that story, if you keep telling it.
^^^ The poor bloke? Perhaps talking about his father ^^^ Weak and devastated. Sad really, but one can see clearly the trappings of “outward appearances” vs. introspection. Some people really do get turned into stone. It takes guts to change any legacy – and if one is lucky enough to be of sound body and mind, we all have that opportunity in life.
RH or OP whoever you are – Why did you get married in the first place then? Why not just let it be known you are a man whore? Just curious.
Is this actually from Jack Nicholson?
Nah, seriously – here’s a man who’s going to die alone, and deep down he knows it.
I think a lot of the frantic pursuit of sex that men engage in is a way of avoiding the horrible inevitability of death, as they’re usually too chickenshit to face up to that. And this man is going to be very, very alone when he dies. And that will be his choice; the end result of a lifetime of utter selfishness.
I feel sorry for him. I feel more sorry for his partners. But I don’t feel sorry for his poor wife, as she’s gone to a better place now, as a better woman, and a better human being, than he ever will be.
OP just one last time. You ask why did I get married in the first place. Well when I was 21 most of my friends were getting married. Just jokingly I said to my then girlfriend “I wonder when we’re going to get married”? That was enough of a proposal I guess for my then girlfriend to tear off on marriage plans. I was a coward and didn’t put a stop to it. Before I knew it we were in Seattle buying a wedding ring. I knew the day I, or we, were getting married that I was probably doing the wrong thing but I simply chalked it up to jitters or cold feet. I never remarried after I was divorced. As I said I stayed a single bachelor purposely living alone. My philandering after that was not technically cheating. My current relationship is, as I pointed out, not even Common-Law since we live in different homes. Why? Simply to avoid divorce, alimony, child support, loss of a home, and loss of wealth. I mentioned earlier that I retired a very wealthy person and marriage or Common-Law is just way too much of a risk when you know you are a serial cheater.
Very few states even have common law marriage, and in those that do just “living in the same home” does not automagically confer that designation. You seem enormously pleased to have avoided something you don’t know a damned thing about.
I don’t live in the Ststes. The laws here in BC Canada are very severe. Many men here are totally averse to marriage even with iron clad prenuptial agreements.
So, Frank Sinatra you’ve ‘lived life your way’. Yep – that’s your choice.
I am guessing that I would be the same age as your daughter. Throughout my life I have heard all kinds of looney advice from your kind including the bit that women are going to steal all of your money. And, it is their own damn fault if they got preggers. Wow, nice advice to give a daughter.
I am not posting to give you more kibbles. I am here for the newbies especially those who live in Canada – RH is not correct. The laws are not severe. They are laws. They were put in place largely because of men like RH who abandoned their kids and refused to honor their familial responsibilities.
If you are a newbie always seek proper legal advice. Do not listen to anyone who is not an expert. Do not listen to anyone who does not have your best interest at heart. This includes your ExH and other family members like RH.
So it was all your girlfriends fault, she made you get married. Got it. She deserved it all, because after all.. she should have known you were just joking…
You’re very wealthy though, you had to point that out… Good for you pops, you saved some money AND got laid while you destroyed your family.. and now you’re helping strangers by sharing your wisdom and ‘message’ on the Internet. All of the sudden, you care about people you don’t know, even though you’ve spend your life crapping on those that care about you* (who you pretended to be).
At least you admit you’re a coward.. that’s something that’s honest. It’s a start.
I repeat: Fuck off, loser. You’ve had your moment in the sun, and you’ve beclowned yourself admirably.
Meanwhile, we move forward, onward and upward.
RH Since you are really very clear about who you are and what you do and that you have no interest in stopping… you should have your dick tattooed… It should say, I am a serial cheater, enter at your own risk. So everyone can know exactly who you are and what you want.
I don’t think RH needs any more kibbles from us. I find it humorous he keeps posting responses and actually spent his precious time sharing his special insight with us to begin with. Remember there’s always something in it for them.
I for one am sorry to see his letter posted.
It deserves no contact.
The Ted Bundy of cheating and typical run of the mill absentee narcissistic father? You are common, nothing special about you. This is perhaps the only forum where your “experiences” are useful, only to protect and convince the vulnerable. A pathetic legacy at best, a life wasted.
And now the story is how rich and happy he is. He’s a great guy for bequeathing to the kids he ran out on & lost their mother to cancer. And due to his lack of commitment and living arrangements, he can’t “technically” cheat.
Kudos to you, motherfucker. Now go back to trying to wank that limp purple headed lust monster to online porn.
PS…we’re all laughing at you…simply pathetic
RH
You must even lie about happiness. Your bored, frustrated, and angry. You admittedly stated you cannot bond with another person. All your life you have used your victims and moved on due to boredom and frustration. Sociopaths can’t truly feel joy or happiness. Perhaps you do feel something stronger about your limited interests. I would guess porn. One of the telling remarks made by the serial cheating X was that he couldn’t imagine how he would feel if I did to him what he did to me during the discard. That’s the truth. However empty we feel after the discard by the character disordered, we are able to recover and live better. We feel happiness when our children are born. We go through life with bonds of loyalty, love, appreciation, and compassion. You are sad. Sad you cannot feel these things. I pity you RH because you have never been happy. Just sad. Truly sad.
The overwhelming feelings of happiness comes with the divorce….you know longer give a FUCk either where he puts his sour pickle!
You know why sex is so unsatisfying when you’re married to someone like Serial Cheater? Because he has no ability to connect emotionally. Believe me, I’ve discovered that sex is a LOT better with a person who is sensitive. I mean MUCH better. All those years I thought the problem was me, but it was him. To Serial Cheater the most important thing is how many notches he has on his bedpost. I’d say I feel sorry for him but I don’t, it’s just the way he is. I’m just happy for myself because I’ve been able to experience how much better it is with someone who cares. Serial Cheater can have all the women he wants, but he’ll never experience how good it is when you can really connect.
This is so true. The inability to connect makes sex a lot less fun and after awhile the sex just gets boring. Disengaged, disordered people make the worst lovers. No wonder they have so many “partners.”
hey mr. ‘i’ve got a bsc in biology and loads of money and i bed really, fantastically beautiful women whenever i want’,
do you know how much i care about the advice you imagine you’re bestowing on us poor, intellectually inferior folk? not one bit. and it’s DR. whatthefuckever to pond scum like you.
now FUCK OFF.
“Cheaters lie” “Trust that they suck”…
He could blather on about how he is so fabulously wealthy or how ultra cool the strange pussy was, and i will never believe a word he says nor will I care.
How shallow. How pathetic. A life utterly wasted. Even a cesspool has more redeeming qualities…
If there is a hell then this creep is going to burn there for eternity. What an absolutely despicable human being.
Posts like this make me glad I believe in hell. I don’t care how un-PC it is. Not everyone gets any kind of comeuppance (that we can see) in this life, and boy, do those people have it coming in the next one.
I’ll just quote an amalgamation of lines from Firefly and Billy Madison and leave it at that:
Mr. Hallman, you have taken sexual advantage of women, and now you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
well…. i guess i should thank you RH for your letter to CL. i think it is great that you never remarried and you are “just fine”but you still used woman and strung them along for your pleasure. you still bailed on your wife and admittedly crushed her by your cruelity. you still abandoned your children and your own flesh and blood are nothing but strangers to you.
it is nice that you are giving your wealth to your 4 kids and the most recent whore in your life. i am certain that they will get much more happiness from your money then they ever did with your presence.
i hope you were not expecting sympathy or admiration from us. like it has been said, nothing in your letter shocks us or was anything we already did not figure out for ourselves when our own spouses cruelly and selfishly imploded our lives, marriages, family and world. we all have been to the point where we couldnt breathe and felt actually physical pain from the loss of the one person we trusted and believed in.
you casual and callusly talk about using and manipulating people and then tossing them away. you admitting to feeling nothing at all and dont even have the decentcy to “feel bad”. but hopefully some of the new comers will read this letter and possibly understand how a cheater is soulless. i dont care or think about my exhole. i know he is “happy” with his hood rat. i also know she will not last and he will move on to the next. i dont care. i gave him all of me, all my heart, body and soul. he did not appreciate or value what i had to give. it took me a year, but i figured out i am better off without him.
what you dont seem to understand is that the faithful spouse is ALL in. that we give so much, we trust and believe and love people like you. we suffer the loss and for some of us, our hearts and lives are never able to recover from the blow of being betrayed. so while you move on to the next one, we are putting together the pieces. we struggle to raise children and hope they are not too damaged by assholes like you who do not value the lives you leave behind.
i am not sure what you expected from us. but if you read our stories and our comments, then hopefully you will realize that we will rise above the damage that selfish, hateful and soulless people like yourself have inflicted on us. i guess you think your life is fulfilled by leaving distruction and heartbreak in your footpath. but you will never know what you missed out on. we do. we know there is much more to life then a string of broken hearts and unfullfilled promised.
i will not feel sorry for you. you are not worth of my sorrow or sympathy. i feel sorry for your exwife and your children. you have given them nothing. you are the worst type of man and father. and you are too ignorate to know what you are missing regardless of your degree, money, business and travels. good thing you are shallow and superficial.
so thank you for your attempt on educating us but we are living it. thank you for explaining how everything we did and said, does not mean shit to people like you and how we are much better off forgetting the ex. thank you for validating that you and our cheating ex’s are not worth our efforts or our love or our time.
if your life was so perfect and if you really are so happy, then why did you feel the need to write this letter to a site like this. i think you might just realize what a loser you really are. we chumps are way more then you will ever be. take your happy and rich life and move on. we will take your letter and your advice in the same aspect that you pretend to give it. you also overlooked that the people on this site support each other. we understand the pain and saddness and horror of having your spouse cheat and betray you.
if only one newbie can read your cruel and hateful words and use it to move on with their life, then i guess it was worth it
sorry for typos. little buttons and fat fingers. lol
Well again I see that a great many of you have missed the point. I often see people doing the dance as you call it and going to marriage councelors trying to rebuild a marriage. It makes me sick in one particular case to see man trying to forgive a wife who basically cheated on him four times that he knew of, in his own home, and once while he was downstairs. What I am saying is he shouldn’t waste his time. His wife won’t change. She has no remorse and no guilt and he should just dump her and get out even if there are kids involved. That was the purpose of my telling everyone that a serial cheater has no remorse.
Why do you care that chumps have their feelings hurt? It isn’t empathy, is it? You don’t seem to have any.
Point taken, RH, but until you write the words, “I recognize infidelity was my own choice, and that in choosing to do so I abused my wife and family.” you are not getting any validation here.
Double dog dare you, but, then, looks like the Karma bus has hit you already. Yep, you’re wealthy, getting laid, nice inheritance for the kids. Nevertheless, as you inexorably slide toward your well-upholstered death, RH, you may realize what you threw away.
Watching your kid sing in a school musical. Or kick ass at sports. Or master an instrument. Seeing them fall in love, or out of it, and dealing with it. Handing down our grandmother’s stories. Cuddling up and watching movies. Fart jokes. Growing with them as you figure out the new ‘normal’. Watching them care for pets. The true treasure of life. Even the schoolmade macaroni jewelry, or shonky recipe card boxes. You missed all of that. That is what your kids will remember, and take forward.
These are the intangible treasures you will never have, because you weren’t there to earn them. And you’re a socipath, so you likely don’t give a toss. But you are really the loser, here.
Even though your wife’s life was shortened, and she did all the hard parts for you, she died richer than you ever will.
Blessings on your journey.
Doubt very much he has money or an inheritance for his children. He lived his life selfishly and his story expanded like a verbal mask. He’s on cruise control trying to look good fior the chumps. Laughing still at his incompetence and delusion of his power. Reminds me of pencil dick x who told his whore he was tired of supporting me when he claimed 0 on his income taxes. Basement boy masturbating to porn. Haha.
RH
What a fool.
It makes you sick? You have feelings for some man that has a cheating wife, but you feel nothing for your family? I call bull crap.. Yea, you’re trying to help people and send a message.. it’s not about you getting attention and bragging about getting laid. “My hot wife, my hot latest chick, I do what I want, I don’t care.. by the way, I have a message.. did I mention I get laid?” (yawn)
You’re such a caring soul coming here tying to share this message with us all (barf).
Grow up old man…
i dont think i missed the point at all….the point is you did not care about what you did to your wife or children. you used woman to fulfill your emptiness and provide you entertainment and pleasure. you do not have what it takes to be a real man because you got “BORED” doing the right thing and raising your own children. although you feel like you did a good deed by not getting remarried, you actually were avoiding any responsibilities, accountabilities, and effort a person needs to do in order to grow. you are like a selfish, demanding little toddler that must have fun and be shown a good time. you said it made you sick to see a man be cheated on by his wife. but you fail to recognize your own self in his wife. what that mans wife did to the man you feel sorry for, it the same thing that you did to your own wife. you even said yourself that you do not regret cheating on her, you only regret the aftermath of your wife finding out about it. i wonder why you feel sorry for that man, when you felt nothing for your own wife.
but as much as i hate to admit it. you are right. people like you do not deserve a second chance. the problem is that people like me, who really love and care about people like you, are slow to realize that we married people like you. it took me years to realize that the things i cared about, that the effort and forgivingness and love that i gave did not mean anything to him.. it took me even more years to figure that everything he was telling me was a lie or a cover up story, that he really did not love me the way he said he did, that he really did not care that he was hurting me by not coming home at night the way he said he did, that he was more interested in “the chase” then he was in his own wife and children. Believe me if he had done half the shit to me (his wife) that he was doing to this ghetto rat, if he only told me half the shit he was telling her, if he just tried to make me laugh and spent half the time with me that he did with her, i would have never given up. problem was that i still loved him even thou he was doing all that and more. i still believed all the stories he told me, and trusted him with my life, my heart and my children.
just like you, he “got bored” but he never gave me the chance to entertain him or make it better. he did not want to put in the work or effort of “the additional responsibility of being a father and housework (more than half of the house work), child care, maintenance, repairs and gardening etc.” but he never said anything to me or tried to find a different solution. and although i am very good in bed, out of bed, on the floor, in the truck, in the garage….i am a very good fuck in other words, he STILL went looking for someone else. he wanted someone more or really LESS responsible. he wanted someone who would TELL him things that made him feel better instead of putting in the work to be a better person.
it was easier for him to walk away then to try to fix his fuck ups. and like you, he just moved on to the next person. i agree that cheaters do not care, do not feel remorse and will probably live happily ever after with the next whore who falls for his deception and lies. i agree that it is a waste of time to try to reconcile with cheaters like that. but it takes a while for a decent person to realize that they are being used and abused. you did not just go to your wife and talked to her about how being married is not the right thing for you, oh no, you deceived her, betrayed her trust and belief in you and then abandoned her cruelly. AND YOU CHOICE TO DO THAT TO HER. it was NOT because you COULDNT, it was because you WOULDNT. it was not because your genetics, schooling or upbringing. it was because YOU WANTED TO…….i have nothing but disgust in your actions and for the type of person you choice to be.
So, my ex being in a ‘candy store’ excuses the 400 or so self-harm scars my child will bear for the rest of her life? Oh, well, as long as the cheater gets his cake, it doesn’t matter.
Cynical
Unconscionable
Narcissist
Tripe.
What a load of horseshit.
You know, for someone who claims “I don’t care” so much – your actions show the exact opposite. If you “didn’t care” you wouldn’t have posted this tripe. Period. And doubly so – seeing as though you’re hanging around for kibble-swarm and proclaiming just how much you don’t care. You aren’t fooling anyone.
The hilarious thing of all is this – while other men your age were living their lives and actually producing their life’s ambitions and producing things that matter in life – even things which can be interpreted as selfish – such as wealth, power, prestige, or more altruistic means like providing for their family – you were being a man-whore. And a coward. I bet if any of the women you shacked up with – their partners, friends or family, came after you to beat the shit out of you – you ran like the little bitch you are because you couldn’t defend yourself.
And then what? Your family despises you, and for good reason. The only thing you’ll be good for – is when you finally die – and your family can reap the monetary and asset benefits from what you left. But they’ll take it to pay back maybe, in part, the trail of destruction you’ve left. You’re not worth anything else, thats for sure. So, hurry up and die already. 🙂
Just like RH’s wife and then girlfriend, I do all the work while my Alex enjoys life. He gets free food and medical care, unlimited massage, financial support for his weird hobbies, and access to legalized drugs. Just like this guy, Alex regularly abandons me to go chase strange pussy. Every time he runs off I’m worried he won’t come back again. I’m not even sure if he really loves me, or if he just enjoys the perks associated with tolerating my presence. He gives me the weirdest presents, like he doesn’t understand my needs and preferences at all. And I know we’re never, ever getting married. I even bet Alex will have as few regrets when he’s 70.
The difference is that Alexander is a cat, and I know he doesn’t have any children because I had his nuts removed myself.
It’s always been interesting to me that the kind of man who hates cats the most shares all their worst traits.
siobhan – ^^^ this is priceless! Love it. ^^^
I think this is useful to have another perspective. Hard to read and hard to imagine such an empty soul, but that is the way that cookie crumbles. I do think it stands out as a pretty stark warning of what to beware of while moving forward to a better place. I cannot imagine anyone here that couldn’t pick this type out at a cocktail party after an evening’s conversation.
What I find the most appalling is the treatment of the children. What my wife did to me hurt me more than anything in my life. I didn’t cause it. I was the best husband I could possible be for decades. But I’m a grown man, one learns over time how to keep putting one foot in front of the other and move on. But what did my beautiful loving son, who is the greatest blessing in my life, do to deserve having his mother show little interest in him? What did this guy’s kids do? Bottom line, nothing. These people really simply do not care.
BTW, CL, or anyone else here with some professional expertise. I think it would be fascinating to have a professional opine on what this guy’s disorder is. It might even be helpful.
Pretty standard, run of the mill Sociopath. They are all over the place.
My wild guess? -At 70 years old, he’s a playboy who never got over “that era”, –It was a chosen lifestyle of some men and women back then in the permissive 60’s & 70’s –Party central. Swap the keys (think movie: The Ice Storm) –The lush life. It was in its heyday when this person was ditching a “shouldn’t have gone down that married with children traditional path”. -Think Hef is going to ditch his lifestyle, or go to remorse?
I think the behavior becomes very ingrained and like its iterations internet porn, hook ups, etc., it’s more about choosing the base level of physical connections in life. It takes something else to go deeper into true intimacy.
Now, still not quite understanding the need to write CL, or post about it here, but my take away today is about expectations. What grieves me most is not even affairs, but ongoing deception, and the stringing along of the unknowing heart. That is what is most hurtful. (to me). I’m just grateful it was not my first experience with love. But it is a first of a certain kind of betrayal, for sure…
I really agree that publishing the letter yesterday has been quite cathartic! -Way to start out the week!
RH/OP,
Thank you for giving us all an honest look inside your thoughts. Despite all the vitriol here, I think it demonstrates, above all, how important Meh – or coming to indifference and moving on with our own lives – really is.
I don’t know if you’re still reading this, but if you are, would you mind answering something for me?
Since most of us are dealing with people much like yourself, what would your advice be on how to conduct our interactions when it’s necessary? As chumps, what can we do to make people like you “hear” us and give us what we need? Many of us are trying to co-parent with minor children and frequently lock horns over simple things – what works? What doesn’t?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you.
All of my postings and replies are as honest as I can make them in the short extract of my 70 year history. All the vitriolic slurs and derogatory remarks are made by others. I haven’t responded in a like manner.
Sorry RH, I didn’t mean to imply you were spouting the vitriol.
Sometimes my fingers type faster than my head thinks…and I don’t frequently proofread.
I was hoping to get your insight.
Thank you.
You ‘don’t respond in a vitriolic manner’ yet you post this trainwreck of a letter. I think your entire being is vitriolic, to be blunt as shit. Fuck off.
Babushka I am having trouble posting.
OP here. Dear Babushka: I don’t know. I am actually trying to deal with my past before it is too late. I hear you:- I definitely do. I can’t return to what was, or what might have been and make amends. That is all water under the bridge now. I know that I do have empathy. The death of my 2-year old granddaughter in a crosswalk hit me so hard I still weep about it today, five years later. After re-reading my post I can see some echoes of sadness, remorse and guilt. But they are not obvious to the Chump Lady group. I was definately a cold hard calculating bastard when I was younger. I can tell you that if I was ever cheated on I wouldn’t tolerate it even for one minute. It would be “pack your bags and get out”. For me it is a deal breaker. As I mentioned my mother was a serial cheater that made my father’s life a living hell. All us kids knew about it, so I have been exposed to it all my life. I think that rehabilitating serial cheaters in their younger years is almost impossible. The hormones are still raging. It is not until you get to my age that things start to sink in. That is the best answer I can give you. I wish I could give you more.
I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your precious granddaughter. There is nothing sadder than the loss of an innocent child and my heart goes out to you for the pain you must feel.
Thank you for your reply RH; I appreciate you taking the time for it.
I guess my question was geared more for the younger you (the “cold hard calculating bastard”) in hopes of getting some advice on how to effectively communicate with that version of you…or in retrospect, what you now think would be effective. Would anything that anyone said have spoken to your heart or would everything be a lost cause? So many of us chumps are dealing with people who seem just like the young you that I thought it might be helpful to know if there is any way of talking to – reasoning with? – someone like this.
My apologies if I’m harping on this. I just want to understand, to learn, how to proceed – if not for me, than for my sons who are dealing with the same man who is much like Young RH. Surely there are some words of wisdom you can share, aren’t there?
Again, thank you for your time.
Im having trouble again. Get back to you asap
a
My reply is coming in parts. Barbushka: This is part 1. I had an additional thought since posting my last reply. I have considered the possibility that I was emotionally damaged during my childhood (say years 6 to 16). You may recall I alluded to my mother being a serial cheater. Well in addition to my father’s life being a living hell mine was too.
TThis is part 2. The constant fights between my mother and father, my mothers constant leaving and little ones crying, knowing all the time what my mother was up to, and the appearance of strange men when my father was working. It wasn’t pretty. So I swore when I left home I would never be like my father. I set out to organize my affairs and relationships so that I would never be the one to get hurt. After getting divorced I swore I would never remarry, I would never Live Common Law, I would never fall in love, never buy a house with someone else, never allow anyone else to
live in my house. I would always be the one to do the breaking up, I would never be the one to be dumped.
On reflection, I would say that the only thing, and the one thing, that may have caused me pause, would be to see the hurt and devastation I caused right up close. Standing right nest to my ex wife to see up close her dealing with her emotions,
This is part 5. and the hurt that I caused her, the devestation to my kids, and their crying for my return. That probably would have done it. But as I said, the anger caused by the divorce proceedings, being called into court to show cause why I was a few days late in paying child support, and having to deal with an affair partner, was all just too much animosity to allow me being where I could see what damage I was causing.
Again, RH, I thank you for your thoughtful and honest replies. I do appreciate this.
I am hearing what you’re saying, and I think I can make some connections between that and my own situation – the troubled home life, the resolve to not be the victim, the anger, the desire to escape and just move on with a new life, it all fits. If I really think about it, looking from this perspective, I can most definitely see my XH in your words.
Getting back to your answer on how to get through to someone like you – are you saying that if you would have been physically present to witness firsthand the damage you were causing, it would have hit home? Am I correct in that? If so, then my next question would have to be – did you not make any connection between Young RH’s actions and the painful home life you grew up in?
I ask this because my XH essentially grew up without a father and it hurt him greatly. When we had our own children, he claimed he wanted to be there for them, as his father wasn’t for him, and yet, once the other woman came on the scene, nothing was more important than her. Even now, as XH has moved on to another girlfriend, he seems to care little about them or their lives.
Sadly, the hurt he’s caused has now created resentment in his children and I doubt they’d let their guard down enough with XH to let him see that they’re hurting.
I don’t know…maybe I’m just searching for answers where there aren’t any. Maybe this mystery just isn’t mine to solve. Maybe it’s just one of those “it is what it is” type of scenarios.
In any case RH, thank you for answering my questions and for sharing your story. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
🙂
Burbushka: I’m back on my iPhone because my desk top is having troubles. I will answer your question right off the top and then explain somewhat. I’m sure you will appreciate that there is a huge amount of information I haven’t included that has a major bearing on my story. I had originally only posted to dismiss the misconception that cheaters, especially serial cheaters, feel remorse or guilt. Just get rid of them.
So yes. Knowing what I know now, had I actually witnesses first hand the devistation that I caused, I probably would have tried to pull my marriage out of the fire. If I had seen my ex wife cry herself to sleep each night I would have died a thousand deaths. But events intervened. At about three months following d-day I wanted to go back, especially for the kids sake. In fact I took them on a camping holiday to the Okanagan. I’ve already mentioned the animosity that crept in.
Back to my half-assed theory that I may be carrying a lot of emotional damage from my childhood. My father was a very upstanding fellow. High standards and Victorian principles. You might have noticed that I don’t sware to add emphasis to my posts. Except for my phalandering / cheating my morals come down from my father. For example you may have noticed that I always endeavour to tell the truth. I would never steel would be another good example. I know that a lot of replies to this post accuse me of being a lier. You could almost tare me into two diametrically opposed people.
Your most important question from my perspective had to do with my inability to relate my childhood home life to the damage I was causing to my family by having an affair. To be short; No. I have no idea why not. Had I been physically present I’m sure I would have seen it right away. This of course is based on just a supposition that I was screwed up mentally during my childhood experiences (it’s a good guess though).
Now the odd thing. It turns out that I was, and still am, a fabulous father to my fourth child. He is the apple of my eye, following my footsteps and on his way to becoming an exceptionally bright geneticist (biologist). He’s beautiful on the outside, as well as the inside. And remember, his mother and I don’t actually live together. But saying that, I have been in both his and his mother’s life every single day.
Yes I wish things had been different. I hope this helps.
There you go again, blaming everyone but yourself. Your “morals,” your lack of self control, your character (ahem, the lack of) is all on you, gunt
Oh and you don’t sware (sic), no you just cheat.
Phalander (sic) good god use spellcheck
Endeavour – how quaint. I can suss this out – you’re going all Victorian. Would you fancy a pot of tea?
You would never never steel (sic), right? Hey, how many years did you steal from your faithful wife and children?
I missed where you were called a “lier” (sic). OMG Your life is the biggest lie of all. (Yea, not even in your wildest dreams are you rich, or a geneticist, let alone an exceptionally brilliant one, and she sure as hell ain’t a good father.)
Just stop it. Quit making excuses. You failed at life. You can’t change the narrative. You will never come through your life as a “good person”. You failed epically.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention – I can see why the recent babymomma would never live with you. She just needed a sugar daddy/sperm donor. You’re just a giggalo… (Hence the “gunt” in paragraph one.)
Now go pop a few blue pills, don’t forget your flomax, make sure you clean the dribble before you shag the whore du jour. you’re nothing. Go away.
Burnishes; I just mentioned the animosity that crept in during the separation phase of my divorce which had a lot to do with me not actually understanding the damage I was causing up close. In all of this I haven’t mentioned the fact that after the camping trip I never saw my kids again until just before my ex wife passed away. About 12 years years later. Part of it was my ex wife’s decision and part mine. Again it was the animosity that built up around the divorce. hence the disconnect.
12 years is a long time. No matter how it happens divorce is awful on kids.
My father (not a player, not a cheater) left an unhappy marriage and married my stepmother in a swift but devastating “leaving”. (Yes, there are sordid details) The “ready for battle lawyers” in the 70’s did more harm than good in retrospect. Talk about a never ending ramped up acrimony coupled with the difficult dynamics of my stepmother’s younger children receiving the attention of my father. We children of the first marriage were teenagers – a really complex age. I was the middle of the road oldest child and saw both parents always, but my younger siblings did not speak to my father for a long time, well over a decade, longer than 12 years. So when they met again, they were strangers.
I think amends for children can happen at any time. It is never too late. Amends don’t change the past but acknowledge the devastation of the past, and the regrets surrounding the past, and the remorse about the innocent ones caught in the crossfire.
Perhaps the double tragic loss here (for you) is also because the grandchild was the child of one of the children from your marriage. I am not surprised it would open the floodgate of tears of multiple generations, unexpressed, unresolved…
In my family, when the storm subsided, my father waited and did not give up, he kept trying, was just there, not going away. And I am here to testify; later in life has been the most meaningful time of all. He has been my rock through my current sorrow. I am so lucky he is my Dad no matter the past.
I have really appreciated this exchange between you and Babushka because I no longer think you are a troll. And, perhaps behind the cold hearted bravado of your initial letter, there is a reaching out beyond the confessional. Perhaps, the raw pain of those supporting each other here, surviving unimaginable breakdowns in sorrow, has mysteriously drawn you to Chump Lady for insight…
Thank you. Your kind words were appreciated. Yes, Divorce Lawyers were a big part of the problem. You were the first to mention them. But they were not part of the reason for my original posting. I honestly didn’t attempt to put on a face of bravado. I was trying to show what the devistation did to my ex wife and kids (the innocent party) compared to the life the guilty party. The serial cheater suffers no guilt or remorse and has just as good a life. Not fair I know.
It seems to me you chose to live your mother’s sadistic behavior over your masochistic father’s. She was your role model of women and you’d be damned before any woman would ever have that power over you. Problem with that RH is that MOST women are NOT like your mother. And, most men are NOT like your father. Sad, they didn’t divorce.
More importantly, you chose not to ever have compassion for anyone in your life…until now.
Sorrowfully, it took a grandchild’s life to break through to your disordered thinking. You felt love for someone other than yourself for the first time, and now know love exists.
You are 70 and you tremble at grace. The unearned divine favor, love, clemency, and a share in the divine life of God.
Beware, RH. The devil takes his pound of flesh when you leave his kingdom.
OP here. Yes Babushka had a knack for drawing out a persons deepest recesses of the mind. He/she should be a therapist. She got me to reveal a lot more than I had wanted.
Oh boo fucking hoo. What the hell did you expect? A fucking medal? A congressional medal? Or were you only willing to see your kids if they begged and groveled? That 12 years – you own it all. You started shit clearly you really are just a pile of it with sprinkles.
I mean as Arnold has frequently pointed out JFK, MLK, Einstein all had great relationships with their families. So you’re a cheater, liar, and have anger management issues… Epic failure
Dear Babushka:
Have your sons make up a card to their dad; maybe with a picture of a baseball game or swim meet on the front, with a message inside. They may want to tell their dad that they never get good words from him about how well they are doing like the other guys do. And then have them write a special sentence telling their dad that they want to be in the spot light sometimes too, his special spot light. Like when I get my medal, or when you see my math mark. He cant possibly ignore that.
I think that may be degrading to the kids, having to, essentially guilt their dad into contacting them. I cannt imagine abandoning my kids. That is, truly, incomprehensible to me. Testosterone driven or not, their is something, fundamentalky different about someone capable of this.
The clinical observations and conjecture as to causation are disturbing, like Lecter or Lestat.
Borderlines use, gaslight, fog, and triangulate the children against the responsible parent! The have no problems lying about anything and to anyone they want to use! The kids are also thier victims and sometimes are manipulated to turn against the responsible parent! This happened to me and I was a stay at home mom …he worked all the time …but when he came home he spent a lot of time grooming them! I am terrified my 2 adult boys are Sociopaths now!
Wow there are really a lot of amazing things in here for those of us who are so naive as to believe in true love…
“I became bored with the marriage”
I find the word bored to be a real red flag for narcissists. My xH complained of boredom.
“I actually started cheating before the twins were born.”
Poor woman she was doomed from the start. Never had a chance to have a real father for her kids.
“I didn’t worry who was going to get hurt.”
I can see that, it seems to be your whole life story.
“I eventually gave up on my marriage and decided to leave for a very pretty but spacy 21 year-old. She had originally been a babysitter to my kids.”
Holy cow, talk about scumbag. Runs off with the babysitter. Definitely in need of a morals transplant.
“She had a difficult life raising the three kids on her own. She managed to get them all through high school (just 12 years after the divorce) at which time she died of stomach cancer. ”
Yes there is a heroine to this story…….this woman deserves a national monument.
“They are all grown now of course and in their early 40’s but when seeing them it’s like meeting with simple acquaintances.”
You already proved you are a sociopath incapable of normal human emotions like loving or caring about your children. No need to prove your point.
“my mother, two sisters and two brothers are all serial cheaters.”
yep my xH’s father, brother and sister were all adulterers. Definitely runs in families.
“Easy targets”
Yep you should probably publish this letter widely to let poor unsuspecting women out there no that there really are men like this in the world. To be honest I never would have believed it outside of a cheap trashy novel.
One more thing, I strongly recommend you publish this letter on a unicorn site….poor women hoping and praying that there sociopath will turn into a unicorn.
Blah blah blah. Excuses still. Women dressed like sluts. – easy peasy – just look the fuck away
They were “willing” – just walk the fuck away
You didn’t want more children – doh, get snipped, put a condom on it, or don’t fuck. It ain’t rocket science.
You want strange? – be honest or get the fuck out.
Animosity – here’s a clue – don’t start shit, there won’t be shit.
Your sense of entitlement is disgusting.
My Uncle was you. At the age of 75 he had an accident, none of his children even bothered to visit him in the hospital. why should they? He wasn’t entitled to a minute of their time. No one was there when the plug was pulled. And only superficial acquaintances were at the burial. He thought he had it all, and yet he had nothing of meaning. The siblings have all made a pact to never mention his name, his photos erased. He is no one to them. They are happy, especially since his passing.
And quite frankly, even if you tried to make amends now, you’d most likely be blown off, I mean after all, it’s still all about you and your entitlement…
LongISH time reader of CL here & first time commenter.
I see something in RH’s comments that I feel so compelled to expose as part of his selfishness (because I can assure you despite what RH says his motive isn’t to help any of us, but rather it’s ALL about him as we are all too well aware); he has repeatedly said “don’t stay with a cheater, get rid of the cheater, move on with your life.” I can still hear my cold-blooded ex say to me as dramatically and loudly as he could these words as I am trying to reason with him to treat me better (his new wife of mere days!) “GET RID OF THE PROBLEM!” as he points to himself. Being the chump I was then, I clung hard to the fake persona he portrayed up until a few days after marriage. Little did I know, he really did want to be free of me so suddenly after “I do.”
So, yes, RH – I got your number. YOU ARE JUST A COWARD WHO ENJOYS HURTING LOVING, UNSUSPECTING WOMEN AND THEN WANTS THEM TO JUST GO AWAY (EASIER FOR YOU!) SO YOU CAN CONTINUE WITH ALL THE WHORES IN YOUR ROLODEX (70!) AND THE ONES TO FOLLOW.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HEARD THE WORDS “YOU’RE DISGUSTING!”? QUITE A LOT, I BET!
RH,
With all due respect, I doubt that you would have rescued the marriage from the fire had you seen how devastated your wife was. Most, if not all cheaters DO see and understand the pain/agony that they inflict…and the rage and anger as well…but they do not want to deal with the fall out for more than a few weeks at best. A broken heart takes years to heal, and to start to trust… even longer…and that is IF the cheater is empathic enough to understand that and become accountable….which I do not think you could/would have been able to do.
From what you said, you were “bored” with the married life within a very short time…so it would have been only a matter of time before you became “bored” yet again once the dust settled had you stuck around long enough to go through the aftermath. You also say that you are still on the hunt in spite of having a lovely girlfriend who is the mother of your beloved son? Why?
So what I’d like to tell you is this: You need to turn your self and all that you have done over to God and ask Him for forgiveness…these sins are against Him first of all, and then against all the many women you have helped to corrupt or have hurt during your life time. You need to repent, which means to stop using women, stop using porn/lust and hunting the next “fix”, and stop being an immoral kind of fellow. But you should not bother attempting any of it if you do not think that there is a God, or that even if there WAS one, that He would just wink at your life and give you a pass just because you are honest. There are many serving life sentences that are honest about their crimes, but who would go out and do them again if given the chance. You need to be more than honest, your heart needs to break for what you have done. It is never too late to repent from the heart, and the Lord will have mercy on you IF you really want to be saved.
Thanks for warning all the chumps here regarding people like you (I think they already kinda learned that the hard way as this is not a marriage reconciliation site)…but truly, you are the one who needs a warning in the worse way, because you are the one facing eternity and those consequences if you do not turn from your wicked ways.
Sweetz: I tend to agree with you. It would have done little good in trying again. It would have been the same result within a short time. With my mind set at the time and being a serial cheater it was best for everyone that the marriage was dissolved and I was completely out of the picture. I think your assessment is dead on.
RH,
Please…honor the man that your father was. It is never too late. Ask the Lord to help you become the man that he was (minus the insanity and the pain he must have lived). What is done is done yes, but looking forward there are things you CAN yet do, there is a man that you can become to make amends to God and those who are still in your life. Too late for your ex wife, but she is with the Lord now and would also want this for you I am sure from her new eternal perspective.
“But if a wicked man turns from all his sins which he has committed, keeps all My laws, and does what is right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of the transgressions which he has committed shall be remembered against him; because of the righteousness which he has done, he shall live. Do I have any pleasure at all that the wicked should die?” says the Lord God, “and not that he should turn from his ways and be saved?” Ezekiel 18:21
Did you know that the Angels in heaven rejoice when even one sinner repents?
The point here is that as long as there is still breath in your body, it is never too late…God wants to save you, but it takes cooperation from you. I would recommend that when in the quietness of your day, simply ask God for His help…tell him that you are not very proud of what you have become, but feel as if that is all you have ever known or wanted to do. There is no one that He cannot reach if they reach out for Him.
Ask Him what you can do, then do that. As time goes on, keep asking…and you will keep receiving…it is a process, listen to the small voice inside of your heart.
Not sure if Christopher Hitchens would have agreed with this But, if true, Hichens would know by now.
OP here. I was very impressed with the posting by Sarah (July 13, 2015 at 11:03 am) above. There are two forks to this entire thread or posting. First is my assertion that cheaters, and more precisely serial cheaters have no guilt or remorse. Any testimonial from them that they are reformed, is insincere and fabricated. I am telling you this from my own experience. I have been consistent through this entire posting that they will never change and it is a waste of time to attempt to reconcile a marriage with them. Sarah’s posting provides a very accurate description of the workings of a serial cheaters mind. It reinforces the contention that it is quite possibly genetic but highly dependent on childhood upbringing. In my case I strongly suspect that I may be genetically predisposed to being a cheater but this was strongly influenced during my childhood upbringing.
RH,
Even if we could trace our propensities to do evil, the remedy is still the same. My husband destroyed his first 20yr marriage to a saint. She was no match for the kind of evil that he enjoyed. My husband’s father was a serial cheater as well as enjoyed incest…and the apple did not fall far from the tree. But the remedy is still the same no matter what our nature or nurture has done to us.
You have chosen to hide behind the skirts of sin in order to escape the pain that your father endured…vowing to never be hooked in by human love while still admiring and assimilating all his better qualities. But you will not escape the “Hound of Heaven” and I would recommend that you let Him hook you with His love before He hooks you with His Judgement.
We have no excuse…we may have had “reasons” or “influences”, but God uses those sins like a bitch…He uses our propensities to show us how desperately that we need a Savior.
Apart from what you have done wrong, your greater enemy is your own intellect. It will swirl around and around in your head, distracting you from the Grace of God until your dying breath.
// , Sew, most of this has been said above, but let me summarize:
Point #1: Most of this is likely a lie. It just seems to be made to fit the bill of the site.
Point #2: This sort of thing gives this sort of person kibbles, which are the motivation for Point #1.
Point #3: It’s boring, tired, and repetitive. It would take less than an hour to write a program to generate this stuff.
Why are people still feeding this Narc kibbles? He wants attention. He’s getting it. Remember, the worst thing you can do to someone like him is walk away. No squawking or excitement. Just walk away. Done.
My take on RH is that he doesn’t have any regret or remorse at all, that he only sees others as narc supply, and couldn’t give a rat’s ass about “warning” chumps. I think he feels jealousy and hatred towards serial cheaters who are “in their prime” and can get young pussy based on their looks and sex appeal, not their money. He wants to try to get even with the other serial cheaters by “exposing their secret agenda”, which really isn’t so secret. But this is just my theory. Everyone has one.
TL:DR (for RH, here’s your old guy translation–it means “too long : didn’t read:) –Here’s what I take away from scanning the life story of this tired, not interesting story:
Wah wah, I’m awesome. wah wah wah wah the women wanted it. wah wah wah my dick is too amazing to resist. wah wah wah I’m still awesome. wah wah wah you all are stupid and sad and pathetic and I am here to save you. I get a boner knowing you are taking time reading about my FOO troubles. wah wah #sorrynotsorry.
DUDE you are old. Old cheating dick is no fun and not interesting. I am bored with this and you. #BYEFELICIA.
And–my tip to Chump Nation: the hashtag #ByeFelicia is brilliant and helps me get rid of the noise when ex-asshole tries to contact me: Bye Felicia background from urban dictionary — (there is a Bye Felipe equivalent)
“When someone says that they’re leaving and you could really give two shits less that they are. Their name then becomes “Felicia”, a random bitch that nobody is sad to see go. Their real name becomes irrelevant because nobody cares what it really is. Instead, they now are “Felicia”.
MJD, there are senior citizens among the betrayed here. Your bigotry is showing.
I apologize–age is just a number. This RH guy, is truly “old” and tired in my book: which means a trope, a story we’ve all heard before, he’s nothing special despite his attempts to overly share his narc story. And I’m poking at his vanity by calling him old because you KNOW a guy who talks about the younger woman he’s with is running from death, thinking that he is cheating the natural progression of age. I’m 41, I welcome senior citizenship through a journey of honesty and integrity. The exact opposite of this shitbag RH. Hi five to all of those who are more mature and are moving on. I’m sorry for any offense.
II understand MJD. Earlier , a poster tried to insult RH by comparing him to a used car salesman, as if, by definition, they are less honorable or worthy of respect, and I thought to myself, I wonder if any of us here are used car sale persons. I wonder how it feels to have a member of a group from which you are seeking support use one’s profession as shorthand for some insult. I think it is tremendously insensitive to do that to someone who is hurting.
Same with age or obesity or whatever physical characteristics are , often used as insults to the cheater or OM/OW. I thought, What if an old guy or a fat guy was here , already reeling from the blow to one’s self esteem resulting from being betrayed and saw fellow posters listing his characteristic as something that is , by definition, a deficiency.
I wonder , when we call folks “trailer park” or something similar, what if some or one of the betrayeds here are living in a trailer and what, exactly , is wrong with not having the funds or simply enjoying the lifestyle.
I am pretty old. I may have a sagging ball sack or whatever. At my age, most guys have some degree of ED ( something for you to look forward to). It mystifies me why some of the posters list these characteristics as something to be ashamed of or something that suggests the person with them is less than others, by definition.
Interestingly(at least to me), as opposed to ED, I seldom see cheaters or OW ridiculed for being menopausal or for a decreased ability to lubricate.
OP here. Raging: I returned to the thread again today to respond to a couple of questions. One was yours. It has to do with the apparent conundrum surrounding my empathy for the man who was cheated on by his wife on four separate occasions, yet I, a serial cheater, had no apparent feelings for my ex wife and children. You actually refer to this matter on two occasions. I do not know if you read further, but I had a lot of empathy for my father who suffered a great deal as a result of my mother’s repeated infidelities. My mother was a master manipulator who not only cheated, but was conniving, deceptive and dishonest and often played one sibling off against another. The similarities of the man and his cheating wife in the story and my mother and father to me are obvious. I just felt sorry for the man trying his absolute best to salvage his marriage, knowing the odds were against him.
You had so much empathy for your father, that you turned into your mother? Even though you supposedly recognized that she was manipulative and deceptive? Again I call bull crap on you having empathy for anyone, even your father. You just know how to use the word ’empathy’ in a sentence.. I believe that’s as far as your empathy goes.
After what you’ve told us, I can recognize that you’ve turned into your mom, not your dad. You are a manipulator and deceptive, so why would I believe you when you say you have empathy? You’ve admitted you’re a cold heartless person.
You’re the guy that’s saying you feel bad for abused animals after you’ve told the story about how many puppies you’ve kicked and how you don’t feel bad about it, in fact you enjoyed it.
There seems to be a fair amount of ridicule re things associated with aging in the insults. Are old people, or men with ED , somehow evil , by definition? Seems to be a common thought to some.
OP here. I have read through all of the comments including those that were condescending, mean spirited or intended to ridicule. Some of them implied I urinated on my ex wife’s grave, some that implied that I live in my grandmothers basement, some that implied that I was a useless, unhappy, uneducated and poverty stricken drug addict, and others that implied that I masturbate constantly. I didn’t find them offensive or a personal attack even though they were meant as such. I understand that these types of comments come from just normal people, who more often than not have kids, suffering a ruined marriage following the fallout from the actions of a cheater. Their comments are simply a means to strike out at a confessed cheater. The only thing I regret is that these types of comments didn’t really add to the discussion; that cheaters lack remorse and can’t be truly reformed. I understand that from other posts in the Archives, that the general format is to offer comments of support to fellow “chumps”. The support is often in the form of angry outburst as in “How dare they……” or “I went through the same thing with my rotten……” And so some of the insults follow from that process I suppose. I didn’t actually expect my memo to Chump Lady to be used. But I was pleased that it was. I found that the rational and reasoned comments that were offered to have been very helpful indeed.
RH –
If not now, at the moment of death you will have clarity. Clarity that the love that you thought false and a lie in your pursuit for self preservation was there all the time and now you are facing death. Facing death experiencing the deepest sorrow of a wasted life: That the true purpose on earth is to love.
Chumps are risk takers. We risk our beings to love, sometimes at great expense. Our lives are not wasted, not even if it’s years spent with a cheater. Because we know, love is true. Something us “dumb” chumps will carry to our grave.
Thank you for your message. Peace be with you, RH.
PS – I now get why cheaters are drawn to chumps. Self preservation requires someone they can leave first.
RH, I get what you are saying. Your information is important. It means that Chumps should just head for Meh and not be concerned about revenge. You do not worry about the feelings of others. You have no ability to feel empathy for people. I would imagine at 21 you still thought lust was love. At some point you realized you did not love your wife because you are incapable of love.The fact that your children meant so little for you shows that you were either born without a conscience or never developed one. I think Chumps should take you at your word that you are not a troll, that you are a 70 year old man who is telling the truth. Even if you are a troll this is still good information for those who still yearn for what they thought they had. It is a dash of cold water.
I am glad you never married again. I hope the women you were involved with knew who you are and what you are.
The best thing my brother did was to let go of his hopes and never look back. He found great happiness and his legacies are wonderful children. I hope your children have escaped the family legacy.
Yes, well stated Let Go. Just get away from these types. It is natural to yearn for justice or revenge but just forget it and run like hell.
This guy is 100 years old, telling us how he’s picking up 80 year olds.. That requires at least one Viagra joke.
I’m a grandpa myself, so I can joke about old farts.. It’s like black people being able to use the N word..
Yes, but the only reason use of Viagra is joke material is that there is some thought that needing to use it is ,for some reason, shameful or indicative of some deficiency. It is entirely nirmal to need Viagra at age 70. Why, for example, not ridicule him for use of some other medication related to aging?
Ever stop to think that there may be some betrayed men here that are at the point in life where they need Viagra, who may find your ridiculing its use hurtful ? Ever think that the blow to a man’s ego and confidence and self esteem from being cheated on may even hasten the need to now use ED medications because of the trauma?
Underlying your ridiculing this cheater for hus age or health condition is the premise that being old or having ED is, by definition, a deficiency. Otherwise, it would not make sense to use these things as a source of ridicule.
I bet tbere are other men here of advanced years that find using age or an age related health condition as a sour e of belittling hurtful.
we do not see this type of thi g directed at the aging women cheaters.
There is no Viagra for women – “Aging, virility, and vanity ” is ridiculed partly because we are living in an “anything goes” anonymous internet world. The Q is – would you say it face to face?
“Youth” and the maintenance of “youth” no matter what age, or at what moral or financial expense is such big business.
– I remember seeing the first Viagra commercials (in 1998) – there was Senator Dole talking about this mysterious new ED diagnosis and a little blue pill… At the bottom of the screen was a teensy Pfizer pharma logo. And Boom, sex goes to Wall Street for the big bucks… And, an American obsession was born – I never saw men with dyed hair back in the day (last century). -Or women altering their body parts and faces “beyond recognition”. What has happened? We are possessed with the vanity of youth and it is big, big business in a kind of insidious hyper-sexualized culture – We are bombarded with ED commercials as a reminder that there is no value in life or reason to go on if men can’t have sex until they are at least 115 – Lol!
I agree it portrays older men as deficient as if nothing else matters. And belittles aging in general. I kind of miss a time when we weren’t surrounded on all sides by an X-rated culture. Overexposure has become really tiresome…
Will aging ridicule bring the letter writer down? Shouldn’t he be repenting by now!?
Arnold – you are making interesting points all over this thread – wherever you said there are plenty of willing younger women if a older man is still attractive and especially wealthy is right on the money. Absolutely, I don’t think that’s changed since the beginning of time…
.
Why do old people always have matching bathtubs in the woods? And why does the Cialis guy drive around alone in his Camaro? Do any folks here take Cialis then go out alone on your boat for the day, or just cruise around in your Camaro.. and if you happen to stumble up on some sex that day, you’re prepared?
Just got back from a Cialis excursion. Got splinters in my butt from the tub. Stumbled a few times but not into any sexual adventures. Probably a good thing. May have killed me.
Egads! I just saw a Cialis commercial with Negroes in it.( I am black, so I can say this).
Deep down, in the quiet of the night, you profoundly know you did a very evil thing, you crushed an innocent soul that gave you her heart and life and children. . . . you say you are sad when you think about what you did to your extra ordinarily beautiful wife. It will forever haunt you. It probably has. In the still of the night, alone with your thoughts, YOU KNOW and your FEEL IT. You can say it doesn’t . . . if you say it enough maybe you will believe it.
And the 54 yr old would not be with you if you did not have wealth. But then you know that.
Oh, and I agree with the “message”, dump a serial cheater ASAP and don’t look back.
Many spouse would not be together but for the wealth of one withiut regard to cheating.
I think it makes betrayed folks feel better, comforts them, to fantasize that cheaters pay a price. I have seen little evidence of this. I also wonder if you had been one of the many serially cheating women out there, if so many of the attacks would have mentioned your sexual capabilities at this age or the tightness of your vagina, or sagging breasts etc.
i know this is a bit off topic but I think it is interesting how attacks on cheating men include references to body parts, , lack of sexual ability, dick size etc.
i do not recall many of the betrayed guys here commenting on their wife’s weight, or other physical charactrristics same with thjngs like need for lube or vaginal atrophy.
Just interesting how baldness, pot bellies, stretch marks ,etc ard not, typically , brought in when the guys describe their cheating wives.
am i imagining this?
Also, it is absurd to think that serual cheaters are not successful ,loved and admired, or that they die alone. Don’t people know about all the beloved rspected seriak cheaters throuhiut history. The list is endldss.
Mlk, for dxample, was not a coward and accomplished great good. Jefferson, too.
Profits from Paul Newman’s company go to charities, yet he cheated o his first wife to be with Woodward , and on Woodward , as well. One could go on for hours with examples of successful beloved serial cheaters who have benefitted society and who we hold in high esteem.
look at the guys on some of our currency, Mount Rushmore. TV, the pulpit, congress, the White House , Sports icons.
If it makes you feel any better, I’ve made many comments as well as others in regards to body parts of AP OW. I personally do not take offense, because this is a place that allows everyone to vent. Quite frankly there isn’t anything a guy on this board could say about his cheating wife, that I couldn’t top. So have at it. You may want to look at Rhianna’s tweets for inspiration.
I believe you, jinx . I was merely observing( and this is just an impression, but i think fairly accurate) that the betrayed men seem to refrain from this, as regards their cheating wive,wheras the betrayed women seem to comment more on physical characteristcs or sexual capabilities.
Have you noticed this, and, if so, what do you think explains it.
i think the guys,when trying to disparage the OM , do resort to this too, but not in reference to their cheating wives. I wonder why?
The OP admits to being a liar and cheat so I don’t believe his neat little dirty one bit. His ex may have died early, but like a lot of women this old geezers age, she chose not to marry. Old school ladies had no difficulty in finding a new spouse if that’s what they desired to do so. After she was in his words beautiful, and a good mate who raised discerning kids. The look in her eyes was the disbelief, how she had children with such an ass.
Sure this guy had plenty of easy women, or random vaginas, but what a waste of life. Seventy years old and he spends his lonely life masturbating to celluloid women. He thinks he got the panties or seduced some innocence when in fact a woman decides who she will sex before she leaves home by the type of drawers she chose to wear. He just happened to be Mr easy. Dude got played and the new wife is waiting until this old fart croakes.
The player got played. Some cheaters do feel remorse. Fewer have no feelings, but I’ve yet to see one not pay the price. Don’t fall for the Okie dokie. This is one lonely old dude.
Historiclly, with women living longer, i believe older women who wanted to marry did have difficulty, many times, jjnx. The numbers were against them.
Exactly what price have some of these famous, rich, much admired ones faced, jinx? What price that the rest of us do not pay?
JFK died and while some may cherish his memory it seems the entire Kennedy clan was fodder for the tabloids in the age before the internet and the tragedy that has befallen them, well I’d love to have their money but they can keep the rest.I could go through your list but you’d have to understand that looking at it through the eyes of a minority a lot of the images portrayed by the media and the history books is not looked on too fondly. Sally Hemmings was repeatedly raped by her slave master. Shaq and and Flava Flav ex is a joke. The one person I would question would be ML King and the whole Hoover and Abernathy scandal. Not one alleged side piece has come forward to claim her fame. I remember the allegations as a kid, but I also remember the murders of the Panther Party members. Anything that came out of washington was suspect.
As far as the OP’s wife is concerned, single, attractive and in her late 20’s or early 30’s during the seventies or eighties, i’m sure she could have married if she so desired.
I have no problem wishing it was true that cheaters suffer more than the rest of us. I just doubt it. MLK_ i was under the impression that his colleagues, admirers came forward with much of the info.
I hope RH’s wife did have other opportunities.
Ralph Abernathy.
“… betrayed women seem to comment more on physical characteristcs…” A few of us here have commented on our narc’s impossible good looks, game and/or sexual prowess, though their chilling disregard may put a damper on it But maybe we do it because our value is measured in large part by looks and age in this culture and depreciates as soon as Better/Younger arrives. Evidenced historically (jfk etc) and taking a quantum leap with the porn epidemic. I appreciate your sensitivity in any event. I wince when shorter women are referred to as a trade ‘down’.
Good points and observations Chump4Bolero and Sara.
I wonder when the folks try to use shorthand stereotypes as insults (ED, weight, age, place of residence i.e trailer park etc) for their cheaters or the OM/OW, why it never enters their mind that there very well may be fellow betrayed folks here who share those qualities and conditions.
Seems a little weird to me that we are decrying the callousness and insensitivity of the cheater, yet we are not conscious of this ( and , I bet I have done it , at some point, if I were to go back and look at my posts).
Are fat people bad? Is being a bald man with ED intrinsically bad? If I choose to or can only afford to live in a trailer park, am I just like the folks on Jerry Springer in all regards? If I sell cars, am I a slime?
Seems to me we have plenty of character flaws to look at in the cheaters, yet there is some focus on age, physical condition, education, sexual stamina etc. that folks seem to think signify something bad in a person by themselves. And, statistically, it is likely that among the betrayed folks here , there are guys with ED, fat people, poor people, folks with no or little formal education(many of whom are smart as hell but who lacked opportunities).
While I am thinking about this. I was privy to a conversation where one person was criticizing a person who had contracted with prostitutes for sexual services (no infidelity involved). I knew this guy and he had very little going for him, physically, based on our arbitrary standards. He is a nice, pleasant, kind guy who has extreme difficulty attracting any women. He looks the way he does through no fault of his own. Without contracting , he stands very little chance of having sex.
I wondered why it is thought acceptable that a handsome guy can have all types of sex partner opportunities, based on his appearance and not because of anything in particular that he achieved other than being born with good genetics ( again , arbitrary standard, but it seems to be accepted). Yet, this nice , guy that does not meet the standards society seems to have is criticized for maximizing his opportunities by using the one asset he does possess in that market, cash ( and , he actually worked for it vs being born handsome or rich).
I realize there is the exploitation issue with vulnerable women. But, say he went to an independent contractor that had full command of her faculties and they entered into an arms length agreement. Anyone think the criticism of the customer is warranted.
A nice pleasant kind guy, might have more trouble attracting women because he’s ‘nice’ than because he’s not physically attractive. There are plenty of not-so-attractive women out there for men like him to date. He might need to lower his standards and accept that he’ll never date a super model unless he can make a successful singing career. He wouldn’t be the first unattractive guy to get a date without paying for it.
Please do not stereotype Narcs as having to be physically attractive! My EX husband is not attractive but he is a high functioning Boarderline Raging Narc! He expects his women to look like models (although his work wife, mistress, whore, he bragged about in actuality looked like an old toad). He was able to get supply by dangling our marriagAl assests which he flaunted to his toad for desperate sexy!!!These selfish whores want money… The longer you are married the more golden the egg is to them to steal!!! Sex for money it’s good old prostitution!!
I think the Narcs themselves are the ones that have given the stereotype that they are attractive. You can apply projection and crystallization on yourself. When they look in the mirror they see what they want to see. This explains why you see someone who is really slimy and gross but thinks they are fabulously good looking.
You are right…when I had to provide a picture of my husband after I filed my lawyer kept looking at the photo which contained my husband and son. The lawyer immediately pointed to my handsome son and said (Is this your husband..)! I laughed and he kept repeating this guy…this guy is the one)! I said Yeap can you believe it! Looks like an average Joe! I think they pick trophy wives to fool more women to compete for them!
This poor guy has some serious deformity such that it would really lower his odds. He has told me as much. I believe him.
Who stereotyped narcs as physically attractive?
Spot on, Arnold.
My mistake, this was your response to Gail’s response to Raging.
This begs the Q, What is attractive? Isn’t all this subjective?
I think in the case of the example of the “unattractive nice man” paying for sex, it could just be this person’s behavior of choice. Is he hurting anyone? I don’t know – prostitution is the oldest profession which is a whole other subject.
Some classically defined “handsome men and beautiful women” are quite stereotyped because they are also perceived as unattainable. –Too beautiful and therefore too shallow to want love. –Couldn’t possibly achieve anything beyond their looks.
In addition to “thought of as acceptable that the handsome guy can have all types of sex partner opportunities, based on his appearance”, I think more often than not it is just “assumed”. And, just as you point out that those with ED are thought to be old and the opposite of “handsome” in the real world, it is contrary to the ED commercials that use a certain stereotype to represent the business…
-Same subjectivity with values; spiritual, intellect, social status, ideals & lifestyle, etc. -When someone talks of trailer trash – I have an image of pre-canned behaviors – scrappy fighting comes to mind rather than the image of the trailer. So yes, for those living perfectly lovely lives in great trailer and mobile home communities this is an unfortunate blanket stereotype that in no way represents the majority.
I read a great story about a big money market firm Exec and his wife who in retirement just didn’t want or like their McMansion lifestyle (pre requisite for the exec job) – they sold it all off and downsized by choice into a double wide trailer home in a senior community lifestyle where she thrives as an artist in a location they love close to family, etc.
But I digress in this rather long post! – Arnold, It is good you bring up stereotypes for awareness and sensitivity even though I agree this is a place where people get to vent, get to process it. I have a “visual” good and bad, of what my Ex is. A derogatory “visual” high and low, comes from perhaps the issues which then get translated into stereotypes, in anger especially. Pompous ass, low life, sluts & swindlers, and the more precise narcissist: ‘…a personality disorder characterized by the patient’s overestimation of his or her own appearance and abilities and an excessive need for admiration with an emphasis placed on the element of self-directed sexual desire in the condition’. –All this in a seemingly normal person.
The key here is (the overestimation of appearance – whatever that is) = vanity plus excessive need for admiration & self-directed sex = cheater in a marriage = partner runs for the hills.
I’d love to commend this guy for his bravery and candor. But there’s no bravery or candor here to applaud. His letter is akin to “his understanding” of why women dress to look attractive. It’s all about attention and ego strokes. He may never even read this page. Although the audience response may further stroke his ego, the big payoff came just by writing it. Such a self affirming manifesto, it is. But in sharing his “look how cool I am, I lived a life free of pain and my poor first wife was sad till the day she died, and I have no remorse” self-confidence, he fails to realize he’s exposed himself to us. Chumplady’s cartoon accompaniment says it all. Um, hello buddy, we see that cool guy face you’re selling us and we ALSO see it’s a mask hiding the hideous truth inside. You’re not a cool guy who lived a life free of pain. You’re not Mr. Women Swoon Werever I Go. Women don’t like you anymore than you like yourself. Nobody wants you and you know it. Your self-esteem is so abysmal that the only way you could ever feel good about yourself was to cheating and deceiving people. See there are two types of “no remorser’s” the psychopath and narcissist. You think you’re a psychopath, that you genuinely and authentically have no remorse. That you honestly, and subconsciously even, don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong. But you’re not the person born with an inability to empathize or know the universal TRUTH of matter. You’re the guy who lacks empathy by choice, and doesn’t see the truth because you can’t handle the truth. You’re not some defect in the human genome, or evolutionary incarnation of superiority. You’re one of the souls who’s inner esteem is so compromised, who’s self worth is so ugly, it’s turned on your own psyche. You’re a fraud. Psychopath’s hate being likened to Narcissists because the harm psychopath’s cause is truly done with indifference. A psychopath is a wolf dressed as a sheep, but he doesn’t give an ‘eff about the sheep, he just wants what he wants. Not so with a narcissist. An narc is dressed like a sheep because what he wants, needs, craves, hungers, begs and oh so desperately wishes for sheep’s attention and love. He wants to be King sheep. He NEEDS sheep so very, very badly, sadly. He needs sheep’s to be in AWE of him else he’ll be left facing the hideousness of himself. A psychopath thinks sheep are beneath him. A narc SAYS sheep are beneath him in his head, AND he ACTS like they are in his head, but but he’s utterly obsessed with them. His who’d reality is designed to be what he can’t be even though he says its beneath him. He’s got a hardcore crush on sheep, like 12-year old girl on a boy band. Narcissists have no remorse because they’re lying to themselves, as much as they’re lying to others. A Narc life is a sad and painful life to be sure. Their lives are WAY MORE MISERABLE then anyone’s they hurt. I see you Mr. No Remorse. I see you’re ugly little ego and the truth about its utter worthlessness. I hear you telling me you’re bigger and better than all these sheep..,How you played them all real good… And I see that ugly little ego trolling internet sites at 70 trying to make yourself feel good despite the hideousness you know yourself to be. I’m sorry you’ve lived such a miserable life. I know you’ve spent 70 years running from the pain. But you can’t get it to go away for very long can you? Because it’s inside of you isn’t it? You can’t get away. But you’re trying. Still now you sure try. Not even that 54 year old made it go away did she? Hey, maybe there 19-year old hooker on Craigslist you can pay for a blowjob? That’ll make you feel good about yourself today. Don’t know about tomorrow though. You best just keep lying and hiding you sad soul you. Maybe you should write to more forums for those who you hurt and tell them how you don’t feel pain like they do. Tell them you’re above them. Keep running dear grandpa wolf. It’ll all be over soon.
This is wonderfully written and describes how the narc needs to feed off the pain of others or he does not exist! Love this description !!!!
Thank you ChumpLady and to everyone who has commented! You have made my day, possibly my week!!! I have laughed and nodded my head and felt sick and felt vindicated…all in the space of 15 minutes. ? Although I feel centered about my own predicament, it is SO helpful to learn about others facing similar issues; in various stages and with so many angles. Thank you!!! ??☺️
” A psychopath is a wolf dressed as a sheep, but he doesn’t give an ‘eff about the sheep, he just wants what he wants. Not so with a narcissist. An narc is dressed like a sheep because what he wants, needs, craves, hungers, begs and oh so desperately wishes for sheep’s attention and love. He wants to be King sheep. He NEEDS sheep so very, very badly, sadly. He needs sheep’s to be in AWE of him else he’ll be left facing the hideousness of himself. A psychopath thinks sheep are beneath him. A narc SAYS sheep are beneath him in his head, AND he ACTS like they are in his head, but he’s utterly obsessed with them.”
^^^^^ this is a great visual outlining the distinctions between the narcissist and the psychopath ^^^^^
Lyra – Whoa – what a beautifully perceptive piece that just nails it and wraps it up with poetic ribbons of justice!. .
Both are scarier than hell.
Regarding the comments that some famous serial cheaters are “loved” even though they are cheating creeps in their personal lives, yes it’s true, they are “loved”. Or at least their accomplishments were. That is what everyone “loves”, not the person. Take that away, and they are just a common variety lying adulterer. And for every successful narc, cheaters, psychopath, there are huge, thousands, millions who are just losers.
For example., my first bf was a pathological, lying serial cheater. Met him just before I turned 15. He was two years older and a hs drop out. Lol, I met him at the school playground on a school holiday. We couldn’t even go on a date til I turned 16. He alternated between treating me bad and treating me good. I thought he was a Cheater but never confronted him or caught him. I think I may have been a side Whore, who knows. I couldn’t even drive so who really knows where I fell in his hierarchy. We dated off and on for years, till finally one day I was just done with him. I thought he was my true love, now I just think What the hell was I thinking?
All this was 40 years ago. Turns out his cousin is my coworker. I had not seen or heard anything of him in decades but thanks to the internet, he pops up occasionally. The last time was July 4 family reunion. This guy was pretty good looking, but now he is just gross. I don’t think he knows it through. He had on a sleeveless shirt, unbuttoned low, gold chain, perfect little hairstyle. His appearance is still very important to him. I know now he cheated on every gf he ever had. One thing though, he does seem close to his kids. But i just thank God I dodged that bullet. His outside now matches his inside though. Disgusting.
No doubt. But the fact remains, despite how much we would like to believe they die pkor, alone and broke, many, msny simply do not and have led very enjoyable lives. Life is nkt fair.
There are many way to be miserable, other than dying poor, broke and alone. Cheaters are good at portraying a certain type of image to those on the outside, but to those who know their situation personally, it’s a different story. I’m watching the results of elder men who cheated on their wives living as widowers. Their wives are gone and cheater pants old men have nice retirement accounts to splurge freely on random young women. Longstory short these guys are miserable and ill. The adult children have moved on since mom has died and the only women in their lives are only interested as long as the money flows….and believe me the women are NOT lining up at their door for hot sex. It’s a game and people today are very cruel. Viagara, penis pumps, fake boobs, vaginal rejuvination, its all a joke. We’ve all been hurt. Part of removing yourself from the toxic relationship was knowing that someday they will reap what they have sown, and you don’t want to be dragged down into some pit wit them. Seriously WTH is going on with Camille Cosby? Money ain’t everything, can’t buy love. The best thing we can do is to live a glorious life. If you focus on that you really don’t have time to follow theirs.
On a side note, I at one time thought cheater pants was being this romantic cassanova type to OWs. No, he was just an all around equal oppourtunity jerk. Live your life.
Sorry for any typos.
You are so right but I do not fault others for trying to save thier marriages! The church and the courts tell us to! I lived 36 years with an abusive man daily… dreaming of getting out or at times dying! Gas lighting, guilt, children, lack of resources kept me there! It was not until the mask completely dropped, I was stalked and intimidated with fears of being murderd by my Ex and his mistress did I finally realize it was not just in my head!!! Then I had to beat myself up for wasting my whole life!! These relationships brainwash you like a POW!
Wow, I don’t keep up with the news much, so I just read the Bill /Camille Cosby stuff. That is seriously sick activity. He should be facing jail time. I bet more stuff comes out, too.
Dear chump lady, I am commenting on this late I know, but I am forever grateful to you, if only for this letter and this one alone!! I am such a freaking fixer and when I read letters like this, it really opens my eyes about the very futility of that behavior. It isn’t that he’s not receiving enough compassion or that no one has never understood him. It’s just something is seriously missing in him. Now he could do all the work and get “right” so to speak, but the instant gratification that he gets would be gone. He’s just doesn’t care. Could care less about the damage. I think unicorns are real, but I really think they’re hard to come by. He really is the loser and should be pitied. He will miss out on every truly good thing in this life and will waste it on the cheap, easy and naive. He can never get his life back. And the saddest part is that he places no value on what truly is valuable. For a true chump that’s impossible to comprehend. That’s why we keep trying so hard. We see what they are missing and see that what they value is just empty but until they see it for themselves and want it for themselves it’s totally wasted. Just thought I’d say thanks.
July 2015 Chump Lady
There are so many good people in the Chump Lady archives. To anyone reading this email, Chump Nation needs you.
Could you spare a few minutes to help drum up support for Tracy’s new book? Go to this post and see if you have anything to add.
http://www.chumplady.com/forums/topic/advocacy-for-chump-rights/
If nothing else, could you come over to the forum, start a thread, and give us new Chumps an update on your Gain a Life goings-on?