Much of your writing is considering that the cheater wants cake. But what of the cheater who just cheated and then abandoned, only making contact here and there under the guise of concern?
“I want to make sure you’re OK.” (Even though I dumped you.)
My ex-wife told me one night that she emailed an ex-boyfriend. The next day she told me she already cheated and promptly moved out. She said she was confused about what she wanted and needed time to sort things out. But I immediately understood that to mean that she had unilaterally decided on a separation so she can mess around without having to answer for it. And your book confirmed this. In the weeks to come, about once a week, she would ring my phone (I never answered her), texted mutual friends, and even called my dad to see how I’m doing. I thought she felt bad for what she was doing to me, but it didn’t stop her. Maybe my chumpiness is just projecting empathy now.
So she never made any real effort in to keep me engaged, except for a text here and there. She never even pretended to want to reconcile. After a couple of weeks I had enough and we filed for divorce and she was fully cooperative. (I live in a no-fault state and we did a Simple Dissolution of Marriage. No lawyers although I did consult with one who told me I didn’t need him.) Again, she didn’t try to stop it, which hurts in itself. But she continued to make contact in roundabout ways. She only called me directly twice, never leaving a message.
Skip to the divorce hearing — while we were in the waiting room after leaving the judge’s chamber, she asked me several odd questions to start a conversation but I fully ignored her. At this point we were officially divorced. She started to cry. The question that stuck out to me was, “Are you seeing anyone?” She had asked me that when we filed. I told her it wasn’t her business anymore.
Half hour after the divorce was finalized I did receive a voicemail from her. She said she was very sorry, talked about how she will never meet anyone like me or have what she had with me with anyone else. That she was sorry for hurting me, asked for forgiveness, and that she does love me. But she never made any real attempt to save our marriage. In fact, at the one counseling session we attended, she flat out expressed that she wasn’t done and that she was leaving with this man for the weekend. And she did. She was very aggressive. I’m not even sure why she agreed to attend.
A month after our divorce she was still ringing my phone, so I’ve changed my number since.
I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this for several months now. Why was she contacting me after all that? Is this cake or some sort of weak excuse for remorse? There was certainly no real contrition.
She wants to see your pain, because chump pain is ego kibbles.
Is he devastated? Does he miss me? Will he pick me dance?
The more distraught you are, the more centrality she feels. She cannot imagine that you want nothing to do with her because of her despicable behavior, no, she has to attribute your disinterest to another woman. You must be seeing someone, right? (Projection.)
How could you not miss the wonderfulness that is her? She assumed you’d stick around as Plan B, but you didn’t do that, so she’s checking in with everyone under the guise of “concern” to see if cake is still an option.
Dude, you filed for divorce. She cooperated, but you filed. At that point, she probably thought things were secure with Schmoopie. But, as is often the case, once OW are available 24/7 the bloom is off the rose. And anyway, a narcissist needs extra supply.
To your question — is it cake or weak remorse? It’s cake. No remorse.
She said she was very sorry, talked about how she will never meet anyone like me
Yeah, good chumps are hard to find. You were awesome kibbles and now her supply lines are cut by half.
or have what she had with me with anyone else.
Oh, she’ll have cake with someone else. It’s the preferred diet of cheaters. It’s just EFFORT and they hate that. She’s got to go find a new sucker to triangulate with. (Sigh) Can’t you make this easier on her and just pick up the phone? Sob a bit? Maybe come over for a pity fuck?
That she was sorry for hurting me,
She was so sorry that… she walked out on you, was defiant in one counseling session, and went on a vacation with the Other Man.
asked for forgiveness,
Impression management. Sorry is as sorry does.
and that she does love me.
Boy, she sure knows how to show it. She’s so “concerned” that she has to detonate your life and enjoy reports of the carnage. Lovely woman.
Michael, you’ve navigated this beautifully. Don’t untangle her skein of fuckupedness. What motivates her? Kibbles probably. Going no contact was best. What’s done is done. You’re not obliged to absolve her sins or assuage her guilty conscience. (Assuming she has one. I think her conscience is more like a Venus flytrap.)
How’s Michael doing? I’m so concerned.
He’s doing great! Carry on, Michael.