Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Time for a Mightiness Check In

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

LeaveACheater_cvrToday, we’re keeping it positive, chumps! It’s time once again for Tell Me How You’re Mighty. To newbies, every 6 months or so, I ask readers to tell me what new, kick-ass things they’re doing since they took their lives back. And the answers are always inspiring.

If you’re in the early days, and you feel you have no mightiness, hey, you don’t get a pass. Did you take a shower? Did you make your toddler dinner? Did you talk to a friend? That counts.

As for you other badasses, tell me what you’ve been up to!

As for me, I’m staggering across the finish line on this new book. The publisher sent me the cover, and here it is! (I posted this on the Chump Lady Facebook page earlier.) If you’re wondering, no, I look nothing like the superhero there in the cape.

I’d love your tales of mightiness to remind myself why I’m doing this. Seriously, I need the kick in the butt. Must. Finish. Book…

So inspire me, and inspire your fellow chumps! I KNOW you’re mighty!

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
      • I am a newbie. First mighty moment out of this hell, was stumbling across this very site and reading something to the effect of “your cheating spouse didn’t give you a heads up they were screwing around on you, so they don’t deserve a heads up on filing for divorce! ” I started the process today! Scary – but not as scary as considering living like a chump for the rest of my life! Another mighty moment – i pitched all the” save your marriage after an affair books!” Yep, I am a super chump there were multiple affairs none of those books really helped anyhow. Thank you all for sharing your stories — I know I still have a long way to go, but it feels great initiating a new life:-)

      • I divorced him last month and am receiving alimony for three years that will practically pay the mortgage on my new home and learning to love myself more each day! It feels great!!!

    • Yes. I agree. This was the hardest. We all have similar stories where this the very hard first step to rebuilding ourselves.

      Braving her dead bedroom, her lies about six figures of debt, and then, discovering the affair because I had, lets say, STD symptoms of the curable variety.

      Then braving the negative campaign from my exwife. Her “ownership” of the affair with oh so many caveats to render herself the ultimate victim.

      Discovering, while she was trying to reconcile, she was slandering me behind my back, suggesting i had the affair.

      Yeah. Breaking the shackles of learned helplessness, getting a divorce, and establishing boundaries for any future relationship.

    • Cheater left a lot of his stuff behind for me to deal with. He moved to the East Coast and is living with his affair partner.

      I have a Junk Hauler scheduled for tomorrow afternoon! They are going to haul Cheaters belongings away.

      We are in process of the divorce still. He hasn’t been very cooperating. I’ve had to do all the leg work, pay all the $$ for s lawyer. He won’t even send me written instructions on what to do with his mail or remaining belongings.( he refuses to do a change of address at the post office for some reason) So, Mr. Junk Hauler will take care of this for me. Yay!

    • I took my ex-husband back to court to ask for an increase in his child support, he lied last year when he told his attorney his salary and he makes way more than I do (double). I also asked that our visitation be changed because he is only visiting his son once a year (for the last 4 years). I requested that he actually has to have a relationship and get to know our son before he can take him alone. He got the papers last month and has been calling to either threaten or sweet talk me into just forgetting everything. I’m sticking firm!

  • I’m rebuilding my relationships with my kids and friends, which was outsourced to Vampira before.

    Bonus: I have a kick ass girlfriend, 8 months going strong. The difference between an emotionally available grownup and a cheater is amazing.

    • “The difference between an emotionally available grownup and a cheater is amazing.”

      I will second that!

      • Same here! I hope I will come to the place where I’m ready and able to go for it again with an emotionally healthy grown up!
        Abuser did not provide, but drained us, taking for spending, ‘education’ (thousands) but never studied for anything and wasted it all, then had the audacity to just do it again, same result double loss of money…yeah..insane. Took 5k and went for vacation in home country with his original family. I did not have a penny in purse all the years, I mean that literally. No savings, loss of school (one third of the diploma program at the time he moved in…read-‘leached on me’ parasite….and not ‘allowed to do driving licence, no money you see, and no repair of a tooth. (lost 3 molars in 11 years through child-bearing, that started as just a small cavity…and ended as emergency extraction, no cleanings of course. So got gingivitis in lower incisors.

        Now the kick-ass 🙂 I kicked him out in November, but started school in September, redone all lost diploma courses with even better marks (A+ for all so far!!!!),finished half the program in a year part time by taking a big course load while raising my 4 kids under 10, heading towards 3 year merit-based direct entry to my degree program. And completed graduated driver’s licencing for level G2 (Canada). Since he left, I AM RICH!!!! It is just growing in the account as the Lord is blessing us gifts from unexpected sources, clothes, half price summer camp, sudden increase in child benefit etc!!!!!!! And most importantly immature psychopath is not mismanaging the finances!!!!!!!!!!! And he has to pay child support instead of the kids supporting him!!!!! It’s sporadic and minimal, you see he never had a ‘real’ job with crap like bosses, coworkers and 8 solid hours to deal with, what a damper on his ‘happiness’ he needs to be happy you see…..
        Yesterday I started an Education Savings Plan for all my four kids $500 start for each, we have a lot to catch up, lost ten years due to the cockroach. My special needs boy will have Disability savings set up next week for all his benefits for future needs. I AM RICH :)) And as I finish my diploma and enter workforce in 2.5 years and my little will be in full time kindergarten, we’ll do great. And I will be pursuing my degree part time…sky is the limit. I’m also eating healthy now…
        heavens, I went from active, biking, literally ass-kicking (Taekwon-do) gal to a depressed, suicidal, anemic, toothless shell. He injured my jaw too. My two yournger kids were born with weak immune system and have bad allergies. We have the means now to eat better and PEACE!!. I have time to exercise, bike (Did I say love biking??!!!!!) I bought a great bike. My heart is singing, dear friends at chump nation!!! Kiddos are doing well and are in counselling with school social worker, The teachers cannot tell any difference in behaviour, thank God. We all have moments, as cannot go no contact, but abuser is now actually involved (has to be, hahaaaaa!!!) and kids are loving it for what it’s worth (never had a functional dad before), and so am I (time to rebuild) I keep telling myself I-AM- TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE A-HOLE NOW!! Okay, not really as he owes us hundreds of thousands of lost income (practically 0 support, not even to sustain himself some years.(12 years) I kept the loser alive, literally. Now he is back to be his parents problem yooohoooo!!! (so is his abusive brother) With their criminal records (multiple convictions in thecase of his brother all violence and theft related), probations and dishonest and parasitic lifestyle, they can do no wrong!!! (they are all professing c’hristians by the way – yeah I know – Total Loonie Bin) Mommy comes all the way from the capital to wash losers clothes!!!!!! I kid you not. I just laugh, thank God not my problem any more, WELCOME MEH!!! :). I will divorce his worthless ass in November after 1 year separation. Boy, time flies when one gains life, Tracy, hahaaaaa! God bless you all, guys! Sorry,this was so long!!! Love you!!! PS: Can’t wait to change my name!!!! My soul and identity is back :))))

  • I’m going on a date for the first time today since my divorce. Feeling kinda nervous. It’s been a while. Time to take my newly upgraded chump radar for a field test!

      • Thanks. My date went great. It was so therapeutic that I could actually focus on another woman. For a few hours I didn’t think about my ex at all. And I found my date very attractive. And she was a really nice woman who’s ex-husband took off on her 5 years ago. So we had a chump connection. It’s done so much for my recovery I can’t even tell you. Looking forward to a second date.

  • One of my Xs issues was starting huge construction projects in the house and never finishing them. He had torn the master bath apart two years ago, leaving nothing but concrete and sheet rock on the walls. He thought it would keep me from kicking him out, since the expensive would be massive to put back together (the X is a plumber, etc) but I filed for divorce and told him to stop working on the bath and get out (this after some frightening erratic behavior and his newest affair).

    Two years later, I am divorced and I just finished tiling, painting and replacing all the fixtures he tore out. I did some of the work myself and paid for some, but it feels great to have my bath back, exactly the way I want it, all on my own.

    • You GO CTTM !! with H gone, I was getting ready to move my new husband into the house I not only shared with deadH but he actually died IN the house. Part of my renewing my house process was to have my master bath torn out down to the studs…it was hard even having workers do a lot of the work, so you get a huge Chump Salute from me for doing it yourself !!

    • Yes, ChumpedtotheMax – mine did the same to my house. TONS of unfinished projets. Douchebag even had the nerve to yell at me, “Look around you!! Why do you think I can’t finish any of these projects?! It’s because of you!!” Awww. Poor douchebag. That’s crazy because in the 21 months since DDay, and his total destruction of a 23 year investment and 17 year “marriage,” :

      1) I waited 8 months after finding him out, then filed for divorce because I guess living with your whore after abandoning your family while still “married” takes up too much time to do it yourself. Got that done Dec. ’14. “Check!”

      2) I’ve always hated our kitchen cabinets. Three months after I filed and changed the locks & deadbolts, I 4-step process hand-sanded and painted my cabinets to look like faux barn wood, and then installed new handles. They look awesome! “Check!”

      3) Always been an athlete, but not a distance runner. I took on a challenge from a co-worker in Dec., and trained by myself, out on farm roads (like Forrest Gump!) for a mere four months for my first distance run: a half marathon. Got my running jersey, number bib, medal and family photo at the finish professionally framed to remind myself that I can do anything I set my mind to, with the love and support of my real family. “Check!”

      4) Finished my master’s 4 mos prior to DDay, so yeah, I count that as something done while the douchebag gave NO encouragemnet, help, or support over that 3 year journey. That would’ve taken away from his betrayal time. “Check!”

      5) Continued to coach my daughter’s sports team, prior to, and even ON DDAY. I’d cry while the girls were doing laps and I was setting up cones for drills. Their love, laughter and positive energy kept me going since I found out.

      6) Remodeling two of my three bedrooms. My shower room is next.

      7) I continue to encourage my daughter to excel in what she does and who she is. She’s taking 4 AP classes this semester and has maintained all As, even through DDay, and abandonment by the douchebag. I have her in counseling, and just love her as much as I can daily.

      8) I also continue to keep a close relationship with my grown son, and I babysit and love on my grandson (who wouldn’t know the douchebag if he met him). Family first. Always. Our son doesn’t acknowledge the douchebag at ALL.

      Funny how much time and energy there is to do these things when we’re not begging a douchebag for love, affection, attention, engagement, and HELP. Cheers to all of us Chumps!!! We are mighty!!

      And super-cheers to you, Tracy!! So excited about your new release and I can’t wait to get it. Your insight, advice, and this website has been a huge blessing to me, and has allowed me to express things about betrayal, abandonment, PTSD, anger and moving forward that I can’t even get out of counseling. You’re an angel to so many of us, and thank you x infinity. (((HUGS TO ALL CHUMPS!!!))) =D

      • You have been totally Stella in what you’ve done. I so wish I could take on that Forrest Gump running mentality, that would be the polish on my mightyness.envy your focus and self discipline. Top chick !! X

        • Ohmigosh, Goodbye forego – you can TOTALLY do it. Just start small. Even fastwalking if that’s where you are to start. Small goals like .50 of a mile. Then .60, but you’ll notice that when you get there you’ll go, “Hey, I’m almost to .75. I’ll just go till then.” And that’s the psychological pattern you can take until you do your first 5k (3.11 mi), and then you get to decide what you want to do from there. Many, many people jog/walk or walk their running events, and that’s just as awesome!It’s about the charity you choose to support, and about conquering our minds and bodies.

          For all you mighty women out there, you can do a virtual 5K (honor system) and get THE COOLEST medal and Diva Dash dri-tech running shirt to remind yourself of how freakin’ FABULOUS you are: http://www.divadash5k.com/#!about/cig1

          I mean, just look at that medal!! I have mine hanging in my office, so everyone can see the tiara. This is the run that I encouraged my daughter to do for her very first medal and 5k. You can do it from anywhere, and you can see which state/city is having one, and set your sites on it. I recommend downloading the Asics Run free app and you can start a plan based on your level now, against what your goal is. It also has a built-in GPS if you don’t have or want a GPS watch right now.

          Seriously – after the hell of DDays and the PTSD that we’ve all survived, you can totally do this and kick its butt. Plus, the activity generates positive chemicals in our systems that we need mentally, physically and even spiritually.

          Love, girl! =D

      • // , It sounds like you already had a lot of self-respect, before D-Day, just not applied in the specific area of divorcing the douche.

        • Hey, AC – thx, and you’re right! My self-respect and confidence is exactly what attracted him to me when we were teenagers. I just didn’t know that it would become a detractor over time. I continued to grow, learn and excel in my profession, as an individual, as a coach, as a parent, as a daughter and even as a spouse. He didn’t progress past about age 22. He literally couldn’t “keep up,” but instead of being inspired by what he saw me accomplishing, he schemed against me to “feel good.” Whatever. Today would have been 18 years married and 24 years total. I’m mentally and emotionally stronger than ever, and it’s all just in my attitude of not being defeted by that douchebag’s lame and immature choices, getting to the point of acknowledging that his choices are completely unrelated to me (regardless of his lameass excuses), and my willingness to grow through an even deeper relationship with Christ, topic research, counseling, reconnecting with supportive family and friends, and the physical “therapy” I gain through distance running. Massive encouragemnet and love out to all my fellow Chumps!!

      • Thx, chickie – I’ve read many of your posts and have to say right back at you: YOU are mighty, too! I hope things get better, and feel better, for all of us Chumps just a bit each day. Stay strong, girl! (((Hugs!!)))

  • I divorced him! put him in jail…now im a mighty 5’2 128lb blond chick who drives a big rig…Im super happy and becoming mightier by the day!

  • Love the cover!

    I have been divorced now for six months…woo hoo! Took a SUP (stand up paddleboarding) lesson and have been trying out different boards and areas ever since.

    Also bought a new roof, remodeled bathroom and fixed up garage. House not only looks amazing but the the hot, thick, toxic air is gone.

    • I love the can do attitude! Right after I kicked my ex out I needed to run the snowblower. I was concerned because I wasn’t sure I would mix the 2-cycle oil correctly. I reminded myself that it wasn’t that I couldn’t do those things I just never needed to in the past. Thank goodness for the internet where a person can look up pretty much everything. 🙂

    • I have spiffed up my house big time. If you ever need to remind yourself that you are so grateful mr slugabout cheater is gone. Go to google street view. Go back in time to then and now and watch the toxic cloud life.

  • I sold “our” house, moved into a rent house while making plans to build a permanent house across the street from my mom & dad.
    I also took a new job (the same week I closed) as a project manager!
    I held up to my word of planning & executing a baby shower for sis in law because we are great friends despite my husband’s/her brother’s ignorance.
    Planning to file for divorce asap.
    Now, on to new and exciting things!

    • I’d also like to add, it’s been exactly one year since I kicked him out of the house! What a great anniversary:)

  • Firstly….. Love , love, love the cover! You say you dont look like the super hero on the cover, but I beg to differ. Your inner bad ass look like this! That super hero spoke to you in some way and it was an image that you wanted to project. It reminds me of a cartoon I saw where ther is an old woman in a wheel chair and she is looking in the mirror and she sees herself in an elegant ballet pose… Much younger and full of life. She is smiling with her arthritic arms bent like tree branches over her head. She smiles. she believs she is beautiful still… And thats what is important.
    On the road to Meh(still not there yet… GPS broken… ) I have had to find the ‘ bad ass ‘ in me. I have had to look in the mirror and remember who I see and not what somebody told me. I have cast that image off. And maybe I am not wearing a cape… But I got some kick ass boots on.

    • The Clip, among others, your posts have been a valuable source of insight, coupled with a wonderfully wicked sense of humor. You may not have arrived at Meh yet, but, with your bad-ass up and operational, I’ll keep hoping that your GPS will be out of the repair shop soon, and then it will speed you to the promised land. The story about the old woman looking at in the mirror is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

  • Still to early for me on this one. Since I was the one making all the money and she was the one sitting at home having the affair I had to pay alimony, pay for refinancing the home so I can pay her the portion she is due. She now has a nice new apartment where her boyfriend (affair guy) visits her frequently. She gets to take our daughter on nice vacations all summer and drive around in her boyfriends mustang convertible (all on borrowed money of course as I make twice as much as he does).

    So this summer until January 2016 I am on a short financial leash. Can’t do much as I got saddled with 47k in attorney/divorce fees because of her false accusations etc. I have 10k left of that to pay off which if I am cautious can have it paid off by January 2016. Once that happens my party and freedom start to begin.

    She loves to pick up our daughter in her boyfriends car!

    I am going to love sending her iterinary (required by court) emails of my trips to Europe and Hawaii with our daughter next year.

    So to early still!

      • Very true, still kind of irritates me. She has taken my daughter to New York City this summer and now to the Poconos (next month). All I could do is get my daughter a bicycle!

        I did talk to my daughter about this from a high level and told her daddy had a lot of debt from the divorce. So I gave her a choice, we could do some sort of small vacation this summer but the consequence is the debt will take longer to pay off which means a so so vacation next summer. Or we do small things this summer and next summer we party!

        She chose next summer to party!

        If I ever get married again there will be a prenup! No prenup then no marriage. Marriage does not have common marriage law (meaning living together 3 years is automatically married) and prenups are considered contracts and are strictly enforced.

        • Type in my last post

          Marriage does not have common marriage law

          Maryland does not have common marriage law

              • Donna is correct. I have a dissipation claim because my stbx decided to go out drinking and gambling OUR money away the past 3 years of our marriage because that is what made him happy because I was too much of a prude at home. He also needs to pay me back for his fuck phone line. I don’t give a shit if he only paid $40 for it or $400 – he has to pay me back. Fucking fuck head.

              • You are correct if you can document large sums. When the non-working spouse does it there are no consequences.

              • Adultery does matter in an equitable distribution state if they spent money on the affair. My STBXH did not get this. He thought that if he just contributed some money to our joint expenses, he could do what he wanted with the rest of his salary, like spend it on hotels, plane tickets and giving money to the other woman.

      • Anyone who can pay down nearly $47K in attorney fees within the next 6 months is pretty damn mighty!

        Your toxic XW respected neither you nor your money, and you can bet she doesn’t respect her new boytoy either. It’s not that she likes strange, but that she likes shiny things, and the sun glinting off his silver dollars looks very pretty now. She’ll find other shiny things later on.

        I always think that marriages in which either the Cheater or the Chump is a stay at home parent makes the divorce so much ickier. If the Cheater is the stay at home, the Chump ends up financing the affair–big shit sandwich! If the Chump is the stay at home, then the Chump is often faced with big financial issues. More shit sandwiches!

        You, though, look as if you’re on top of things. The good news is that your blood-sucking XW is no longer leeching off you.

        Definitely you are mighty!

        • Well the 47k was for Attorney fees over the last 2 years. Half is from her false accusations, she accused me of raping her, beating her and sexually abusing our daughter. She tried to do this twice and both times socials services found no evidence to support her claims and the judge tossed it out. She also accused me of stalking her and even went into protection for it but at trial when asked did she ever see me around her at all and she said no she just heard that I was stalking her from a friend. In the first case she also accused me of calling her around the clock and threatening her. I produce all of my phone records from my cell phone and home phone and she produced nothing. When asked in court what phone I was calling her from her she said my person cell phone. She produced no records other than her testimony that the phone calls took place. Fast forward to almost 1 1/2 years to when I was asking (and granted) shield requests so that the cases would be suppressed from public view she now claims I had through away phones and was calling her that way. Her testimony changes based on whatever evidence I provide. She lies through her teeth to cover up the adultery and she has no moral boundaries and is willing to try and destroy my relationship with our daughter for it. In the end after 47k in total attorney fees it ended up exactly were it was going to be which was 50/50 custody (physical and legal). She is still making the false accusations and I am just waiting for to take me to court one last time so I can then sue her. My attorney was afraid of suing her because she has no money but I reminded him that she gets alimony from me and that is income to her. If I win the lawsuit I can deduct it from her alimony and still get the tax right off and she still has to declare it as income. (Child Support can’t be touched because its for the kid).

          Anyways I only have 10k of that debt left.

          • Lothos, Wow… as a former prosecuting attorney who handled domestic violence case prosecution I can only say: I am sorry that you had to endure false allegations and continue to do so. The prosecutor’s job is to do justice and if that means dismissing a case before trial because of poor evidence- then THAT is justice! Too many prosecuting attorneys lack the backbone to call the victim in and say- stop the bullshit! I was a tough prosecutor BUT I also saw crap cases that had NO business going to trial. As an attorney, I apologize for my profession and colleagues on some days. Best wishes.

            • I appreciate the apology but its not your fault. Her “FREE” attorney should have called BS before it even went to trial. When I produced my phone records he just looked over to my attorney and said “Good Show”. He then goes over my phone records and sees a few calls grouped together calling my daughters friend. He then asks me why that was and I said well because she can’t hear and if she does not see the light she does not pick up and since it was my daughters friends my daughter may have tried to call her multiple times. Just wish they would dig a little deeper and not just take peoples word for it.

              It is far to easy to get a temporary protective orders. You are guilty until proven innocent in these type of cases and the penalties you have to endure before even getting to trial are super harsh if you live with the person (I was not living with my X at the time as she had moved out). People use them way to much to get an upper hand in divorce cases (especially when children are involved).

    • This is exactly it…you got a divorce and are not sitting around moping but planning an awesome life with your daughter while your cheater´s false abundance will implode sooner or later. You are awesome!

    • The best revenge is living a good life away from the cheater. My ex must hate that I’m doing more things with my boys than we ever did when married.

  • I left my husband of 28 years after finding out he had been having an affair for the previous 5 months, right under my nose. I had been with him since I was 17 years old ( I’m 48 now ) and had never been on my own. Long story short, I now have more confidence in myself than I ever have before, I work at a (literally) billion dollar company, I pay my own bills, buy my own stuff and I can do what I want, when I want to do it 🙂 The best advice I can give anyone is, yes, it is true, time heals all wounds, and do things that scare you, things that you are uncomfortable doing, it will boost your confidence like nothing else !

  • Wow. Let’s see.

    During the week after I kicked my X out, I redid the horribly molding calk between the tub and shower. Mind you I am NOT handy. I watched a YouTube video, and it turned out awesome! That really made me feel great!!

    I was able to get my divorce finalized last December. It should have been sooner, but my X dragged it out way beyond necessary. Even HIS lawyer didn’t like him, and it was usually only me, my lawyer, and his lawyer at the negotiating table. And my X had to pay my lawyer, in the end, over $20,000 for his antics.

    I got a landscaper friend of mine to help me mow our 2 acres of grass for merely the cost of fuel (I help by riding one of the mowers). The last summer my X was here, the grass grew knee-high.

    Am holding down two part-time jobs while I keep after my teenaged son full time, and, my very elderly (unfortunately a Narc too) mother. I have since had to take over all her finances and about half her daily care.

    Am currently cleaning about 40+ years of crap out of our expanded cape (my mom owns the house).

    Scrambling on what to do for income (I’m 55 now) when my X can stop paying me in 2018. He doesn’t have to – but I KNOW he will. So I need to somehow find $30,000 a year. My accountant said I should take QuickBooks courses and help small businesses from my home. He says “there is a need”. Although I’d love to go back to college to study to become a counselor – I just don’t have the time right now.

    Had to remove 3 dead mice (to date) from the basement. That’s been the hardest.

    Trying to keep a log with the local police, because my X has been breaching the No Contact court order toward my son. Of course the contact is vanilla enough that a RO request would look ridiculous, however, we don’t know if or when the attempts will escalate in nature.

    Have been able to set aside $1000 for investment.

    It hasn’t been easy by any means. HOWEVER – I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE for once; no longer have to live on eggshells every day; and can actually DO adult things without being criticized, teased, or ignored.

    Yeah, I’ll brag today – I’m Mighty.

        • Onthehill – you’re doing an amazing job rebuilding after dealing with that douchebag for so long. I was also with the x-douchebag from 16-40. Funny how I lost who I was because of him, not because of myself. In the time he’s been gone, I’m happier, find fulfillment in my own lost interests, and am not dying inside from lack of anything tied to a sham “marriage.”

          I work in technical education. I believe in higher education and have gone through a master’s, but consider that with the time & finances, you want to get to work soon. You can typically attend school for way less than a degree, and can get state and/or industry certified & get to work fast. We have legal office grads done in 9 mos, certified & working at $18-20 hr. LPNs are done in 15 mos and making 32k+ entry level. Same for web design, surgical technician, database administration, CADD, etc. Not every state has a system like in Okla., but tech schools are everywhere. You might also qualify for the Federal Pell Grant and have most tuition taken care of. Find out at fafsa.ed.gov

          Good luck, girl. With everything you have accomplished thus far, I’m positive you’ll do anything you choose to do!! 😀

    • OntheHill, you are indeed Mighty! I understand the PO violations, Saddam used to do that too, violate it in such a way that I couldn’t report because I’d look vindictive and ridiculous.

      • Exactly Dat. Our CPS Rep told me to document each of the violations with the police. The first cop was great and understood entirely (fortunately I got his email address). The next time I went over to the station. This cop all but laughed in my face. Soooo, I have just been emailing the stuff we get to the first cop.

        • It won’t let me reply to your original comment…. Last summer during the height of the affair and all the verbal abuse, I finally discovered the source of a terrible stench we had noticed for a couple of weeks. We live near a sewage plant so I assumed that was it but it was a dead mouse that I think my MightyCat had chased and cornered. It got stuck right behind a vent cover and died. I called up Asshat and told him I could not touch it. I figured he deserved to be given one important job, at least.

            • Ha! He did. He lived on a horse ‘farm’ growing up so he is okay with that. I cleaned with bleach water and scraped the fur etc that didn’t come off with the corpse. It was during a month where he had left us in another country early and I drove 2,500 miles with a 6 year old to get home. He screamed at me every other day about imaginary marital problems and I was mentally zapped. I used to live alone in a cute house with my feisty cat and we handled a 4 ft rat snake, raccoons, bunnies, mice, huge bugs but a dead mouse during the affair was too much. Had i know he was having the affair, I might have snuck it into his underwear drawer ;O

    • Oh yes you are mighty! You inspire me to face my own financial worries without panic. My ex’s meager support will be over in November. No idea how I’m going to replace that money. Thanks for the QuickBooks idea!

      • For those of you looking at Quickbooks–look into Sage, too. Sage is more specialized. Just started a new job that uses Sage…different than Quickbooks, but there might be more of a niche. Just an idea and suggestion.

    • As the whole shit show started to play out I started working with a very good counselor and went back to grad school to become a counselor. I completed my degree this spring.

      1. Grad school
      2. Divorce–still trying to finalize details
      3. Living alone and happy
      4. Got a part time job I adore
      5. Home maintenance on my own
      6. Bought car on my own
      7. Starting a business
      8. Trekked Grand Canyon with another divorced mom and 4 kids–extremely cathartic
      9. Beginning to date a charming, chumped man who “gets it”
      10. Living life to it’s fullest every day.
      11. Lost 15 pounds
      12. Strengthened relationships with beautiful, awesome children
      13. Court ordered ex out of house

      Yes, I cry, but I am no longer keening on the floor at 2AM. I have surrounded myself with friends, several divorced women and we are very strong. I wouldn’t wish this experience on my worst enemy, but having had it, I see that there is a future out there and it looks awesome!

    • Yes!!!, there is a hige need for quick books help. Im am artist, and spend way too much of my time entering data, expenses, etc.into quickbooks, and data entry by my bookkeeper id $45/hour so I do it. I HATE Doing it, and it takes away from creative time. Great suggestion! Let me know when you need a job!

  • 2 years out. Almost one year divorced. I’m still working on my relationship with me…and I’m actually getting somewhere. lol. I’m learning new things, I’m starting to accept myself and I’m being adventurous. I’m leaving negativity behind (i.e. “no one tells me what I can’t do”) and I’m building my life on my terms – one that I’m happy with. I have good days and bad days but I chug along. Love to all of Chump Nation xoxo

    • Maybe next on my list is to dust off my guitar nevermind actually figure out how to play more than five chords which I have yet to do in 30 years ;O

        • Uh, yeah, I need to have the baby grand tuned bc we moved here two years ago and I just didn’t get to it – oops.

          • I wanna dust off my guitar. I used to play pretty good and I hear youtube is the place to learn. Yeah

      • I took up the ukulele, and joined an awesome local uke-lovers group. Now I’m out two nights a week jamming and making music with other happy people. It’s been great reconnecting with my playful self (i’m 60 years old). I’m building a network of uke friends all over the world. There is such beauty in unexpected places.

        • I need to dust off my ukulele. Started learning but d-day killed all inspiration. I bought the uke for myself the fathers day before d-day.

      • Chumpyelf – 5 chords is plenty! Just get a capo and learn how to transpose (dead easy honest). Most singalong songs are lucky to have 3 chords in em – most are dead posh if they’ve got 4 chords or more! 😀

        I’m figuring your 5 chords are A C D E G (you gotta learn a couple of minor chords Em and Am will do the trick nicely, chuck in Dm and Bm and you honestly need nothing more) 😀

        When I first taught myself guitar – several lifetimes ago – F and Bm were painful buggers that forced me to learn to transpose. But actually, are pretty easy once your hand has strengthened, and it is quite hard to tackle the Blues without them. I’m still tempted to transpose and reach for my capo when confronted with mad chords like Eb and C#. As for augmented stuff – just play the original chord – I’ve a saying, ‘it’s good enough for Folk’ and I can’t ever see me wanting to fill the Royal Albert Hall with my virtuosity! 😀 xx

        • When school starts up again and I have some quiet time in the house, I will dig the guitar back out. I was a music/band nerd decades ago but these stinky stringed instruments trip me up every time. My little violin sits in my closet, taunting me. I have all my instruments saved bc my little son is a music lover. He has a strap that his favourite musician has even though it is ridiculously long. Anyway, I know i can do Am so now I have no idea which chords they are!

          I got my first capo a few years ago when Asshat started getting unbearable. And new nylon/steel strings. I have RA and Raynauds so my hands and fingers are very sensitive sometimes. Good to have an excuse to be so miserable at it ;O

      • LOL, I couldn’t arry a tune if it had handles, so I will be Audience for the debut of the Mighty Chump Philharmonic!

  • I’m opening my own web design business in September and also about to become a partner in a friend’s business. My youngest child graduated from high school this year, so I’ve managed to get all my kids to adulthood! I AM mighty.

  • I had a meal with thirty somethings and we laughed our heads off. I was attracted to one of them and it looked reciprocal. I had thought they would not even want me around ! They have invited me again. I look so good that people who are 15 to 20 years younger are pleased to be in my company, yay.
    I listed all the common expenses for which I paid fully, since 2002, complete with receipts. I can use the sum to reduce the price I have to pay for my cheater’s share of our home. It amounts to 16000 for the first three years alone. I am so wonderfully organized that I can dig into the past and come up with all the details and proofs.
    I found a solution for the shed that is eaten by insects. I can buy a larger window at the DIY depot and cut the bad pieces out. It will cost very little, and I will not need a contractor who says he will come and never shows up. I am so good at solving problems on my own, hurray.
    I have completed my 46-page comics, with colors and texts, only minor corrections remain to be done. I found the strength to finish although I was made miserable and had to face so many humiliations. It was delayed, but it’s ready for printing. I have more stamina than a ferret, mighty me !
    At work, I completed my missions and people are happy with me, despite the past year being a constant source of pain and fear. I had all the reasons to curl into a ball under my desk, but I managed to sit straight and carry on. I’m great.
    Breakup was 6 weeks ago. I have made more friends during these 6 weeks than during our 15 years together. It’s only the beginning.

  • Peeping the house to eventually sell,
    According to XH I should have just done it already. Has no concept that legal documents sent to him to sign are a must.
    Have returned to college. Halfway through my diploma.
    Slowly reintegrating my daughter back into school full time as she completes her two year treatment for leukaemia this coming January.

    And in this past week am coming to terms with my mother passing. Sadly to say she has left no real void in my life by passing.
    But it does spur me on to be a far better mother to my kids. And to plan ahead.

      • Thankful – you’re doing an amazing job with your sweet girl. I’m in awe of all the Chumps who not only have to deal with the douchebag LOSERS who betray, but then turn their backs on their sick spouses and children who are suffering with illness. It’s horrifying. I’m so glad she has you. Just one day-at-a-time with school and you’ll be done before you know it! So inspired by your strength and courage. (((Hugs to you and your daughter!!)))

  • Mightiness for me was facing the pain and I did it! I stand tall and when I look in the mirror I am proud of myself for taking my power back. This was a process and it continues daily. I am single and know I deserved better. I functioned in chaos and recognize the strength it took to finally divorce a covert narcissist.

    I kept my home I live in on the weekends. I share it with my granddaughter and son on weekends. I struggled through a year of having little money as I rent another place close to work. I did it myself.

    I kicked his ass in court and kept my pension. I set firm boundaries and detoxed.

    I joined a gym and do strength training. I look and feel better. Im getting my soul back.

    My children are my life and I have built authentic memories based on honesty and caring.

    I let go of his double life as it was his not mine. I did what mattered which was being a good mom.

    I live a mightier life. Thank you CL and yiu are the super hero. Love peace and Meh.

  • Even though I am stuck in limbo right now, I do have a plan, an awesome lawyer and finally joined Chump Nation 🙂

    In the meantime, I decided to get on with my to-do list. Cheater broke the cover to my armrest about 5 years ago. Car is 16 years old but way more reliable than him so I ordered the OEM part, dismantled it and replaced it (it involves some pesky wires). Replaced the glass on my wing mirrors bc the silvering was all messed up. Figured out where to find parts for my decades old roof rack and added locks and covers that cheater had long lost. Joined a Little Black Dress Club, sold my little house out of state, bought a nice paddleboard and installed the crazy rack on my car, waiting to get myself a mountain bike but already put together a bike rack (called BrassKnuckles!) and installed it, and, finally took up a hobby I have wanted to try for *cough* forty years – archery.

  • Love this topic – reading all of the accomplishments is very energizing!

    After 18 months of cleaning up and paying off Mr. Cheaterpants’ financial misdeeds and crimes, I purchased a home. Never thought I would be able to because of the absolute financial abuse. But I did it. I get the keys today.

  • next week is one year form DDay and i have finished my degree, signed up to college to do another course, just today lol i have decorated my house my way and changed things around to my way, my daughter and boyfriend live with me (ex would never allow that) so i have some company, i have a friend with benefits (although am thinking of ending that soon too ) i have been out with friends and family, i have no stress apart from work of course. I do what i want when i want and with whom. I sort my own DIY and cars out and three of the best things are to come in next few months. 1 am going to be a grandam for the first time and its a boy and 2 it looks as though by Sept my areshole ex (hopefully) will have signed the house back to me so its all mine, and i have managed to borrow so extra to clear the debt he left and am going abroad for the first time in 11 years, YES I aM Mighty !

    • sarahlou1972 – Congrats on your first grandchild! It changes everything, and there will be times from now on that you may feel silently sad that you can’t turn to the person who promised to love you, so that you can both smile and giggle over your happiness. But you just continue to smile and giggle with your OWN happiness, as you love on that new family member (sweet angel baby). Just remember that you’ll be the best grandparent he’d ever wish for, even if it means going at it solo for a time. Same thing happened to me, but my grandson was 1.5 years on DDay for me. He hasn’t seen the x-douchebag since, and you know what? No loss there. He’s 3 now, and I babysit all the time, and will coach my grandson’s soccer team in spring. He’s my sweet little buddy, and I spoil him with love and kisses all I want. No douchebag around to make me feel bad for “babying” the baby. Enjoy and absorb every minute with your new love. Congrats!!!

  • I took a road trip down to Arkansas over Memorial weekend with a friend of 30 years and plan to go back with one of my sons over Labor Day weekend. (I live in MN). Tonight a friend and I are road-tripping to Rochester, MN then on to Winona for the weekend. We will hit the Olmstead county fair just for the heck of it. I love road-tripping – as long as I have the money. I have re-connected with my stbx’s x sister-in-law, which is fabulous! She divorced my stbx’s asshole brother nearly 20 years ago and she is so happy now. I am so happy for her. I have gained new friends – all of which are single (funny how that works, huh?) and they support me in more ways that you can imagine! We are all trying to help eachother through and am thankful I am there for them too! I also re-connected with an old friend who used to be married to my stbx’s best friend, who is also a narc! It is amazing when I talk to these women what they went throught – which is similar to what I am experiencing now. I see the pattern…..addicts/narcs hang with other loser addicts/narcs.

  • Divorced was finalized December 31, 2014!!! Talk about starting the New Year off with a clean slate. I have since refinanced the house that I loved so much and it’s only in MY name, my business has taken off, I lost 65 lbs, my daughter is happy, I am happy! Yes it was a shitty and sad thing to go through after 12 years with someone you thought was amazing only to find out they aren’t…He walked out on me and our daughter for the OW. What keeps me going is knowing all these wonderful things I’m accomplishing on my own wouldn’t be happening if I was still giving my cheater ex kibbles and worried about him. He’s the OW problem now…and what’s funny…she already came to MY HOUSE to discuss his faults and ask my advice…KEEP YOUR CRAZY AT YOUR HOUSE! Trust they suck and you will keep doing amazing things with your OWN life.

  • I’m doing great 4 years later. Have gone on a trip to Hawaii, Aruba and a Canadian Cruise. Implemented a traditional beach house vacation that I’ll be leaving for in a week or so – same house – same location. Next year I’ll stay there two weeks! I’m supporting my children – I’m refinancing my home, taking care of repairs as needed and doing all the yard work – the yard never looked as good! I take care of the pool opening, covering, cleaning an chemicals and I am thinking of painting the joint in the fall. I’ll have a paint party!

    For all you newbies – it takes time, make sure you have a great support system and ASK for help when you need it. You don’t have to do everything all by yourself. Look at it this way – if your neighbor called you for help you’d do it happily wouldn’t you? Well, most people are like that believe it or not – all you have to do is ask.

    It really does get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel!

  • First, congrats on the book, CL. Chump Nation is ready to buy it and help you promote it, just give us the word. I hope you make some real money on this!

    As far as being mighty, even though it’s been really difficult to get here:

    At 56 being left destroyed emotionally and financially and not having worked outside the home for ten years I:

    Decided suicide attempts would no longer be an option.

    Began to volunteer and after a year they offered me a full time job, which I gladly accepted.

    Joined a church and forced myself to be active in the kitchen so that people would get to know me. It’s become one of the most importantly places for me, and having God back in my life has helped like no anti-depressant ever did.

    Used my therapist and the words on this website, and all of Chump Nation to help me see clearly as I regained a life and reexamined what my core values are and what I want the rest of my life to look like.

  • I separated from my ex and divorced him. I was a shell of myself after nearly 20 years together with him, and the consequences of his emotional and psychological abuse over the years. Despite several debilitating physical conditions, that turn out to be due to stress, and for the most part have gone away.

    Right after the separation, I got a part time job after being out of the workforce for 12 yrs. Then after 6 months, I applied for jobs that would pay enough to give me some financial security. I scheduled three interviews for one day. The night before the interviews, I came down with a stomach bug or food poisoning. Threw up, plus the other thing, all night. Didn’t sleep. When the alarm rang, I got the kids up to get ready for school, took a shower, and went to the first interview. Was so nauseous the whole time. Held myself together with everything I could muster. Really couldn’t listen to anyone, all my focus was on looking like I’m listening, and looking happy and enthusiastic. I just couldn’t do the second interview, so I called to postpone it due to illness (and never heard back), and instead, went home to sleep for a couple hours before the 3rd interview in the afternoon. I was still feeling nauseous, but did ok. I actually got hired from the first interview! I’ve been working at this job for over a year now.

  • Just got back from a four day beach vacation with my kids paid for solely by me. I worked my butt off so that we could be able to get there…and we had the. best. time. Loved every minute of it, even the 10 hour car drive. Came back relaxed, with tons of pictures and happy memories. STBX was supposed to get the kids for one week during the summer. He chose to use his vacation to go to the beach with OW for a week. No mention of doing anything with the kids this summer. But, hey, he comes first, makes no sense to think that he would change now! Just shows that the kids and I are so much better off without him

  • I have my final court date on Monday and am overjoyed to be DONE!!

    I finally feel like my happy, positive, joyful self again. No more black cloud dragging me down.

    I’ve entitled this the “Summer of ME”

    So far I’ve…
    *reconnected with friends and family
    *worked out almost every day this summer
    *Enjoyed my 2 sons
    *Got an adorable puppy
    *organized and rearranged my house
    *mowed my lawn, planted flowers, and trimmed shrubs
    *Packed up all his crap into bags since he won’t take the time to do it
    *Started dating someone casually who makes me laugh and makes me feel pretty and fun

    He on the other hand…has had an overdrawn bank account each week and immediately started spending the majority of his week with the first person who reached out to him on plenty of fish. 10 year his senior with bright pink lipstick and a nose ring.

    I’m SO hopeful for the future!! Yippeee!

  • I don’t feel mighty, but I know from what friends tell me I am. I still have a long road ahead.

    2014 – After surviving the nuclear explosion of her DDays, I took my proceeds of our house sale and bought a 1 bedroom condo in River City in downtown Chicago. I’ve always loved this place because it has it’s own marina under the building on the Chicago river.

    I kept my job. She expected me to completely fall apart. I almost did. My therapist said “just show up, they can’t fire you for that and it will get better”.

    My adult daughters love me and lived with me for a while before starting their own lives. I took trips with them and one of my nieces. I reconnected with family that I haven’t seen in 25 years. It’s so great to see the people who truly love me.

    2015 – I got divorced on January 30th. Got 50-50 on everything but she gets lifetime alimony (Illinois rule if married more than 20+ years). Luckily it’s a formula so if she makes more or I make less, it gets adjusted.

    I bought a slip in the marina and bought a used 28′ Carver 2557 to keep there. It’s a dream come true.

    For my birthday, next month, I’m taking my girls to Harry Potter World in Orlando (I know “August!!??!??” you say).

    I have almost everything I want out of life. It is better than it has been in the last 30 years. Wow. The only one thing missing is someone special to share it with (my girls are starting their own lives and I’ll always be a part of them). I know, just like my girls love me, I will find someone who will actually love me. Life is 1000 times better, but it will be even better sharing it with someone who appreciates the small things.

    I sometimes amaze myself looking back and thinking it’s been less than 2 years since I first found out she was leaving me for one of her high school boyfriends. I guess I am mighty. Thanks CL and CN. I couldn’t have done it without you.

  • Three years ago I left Europe with a child, a cat, 8 boxes, 3 suitcases, as well as my past, present and possible future in shatters. In this time, I got a good job, helped my son adjust to a new culture and school life to the point that he loves living in the US, did the international divorce pro se and was successful in getting a strong agreement in place that would be difficult to break, and last month we moved into our first house which I was approved for all on my own.

    It’s been a busy three years 🙂

      • Rock on, Shadowfire! I did pretty much the same. Made a huge difference to the kiddo….she is just back from her annual visit to her donor.

        Only contact with Mr Fab is currently to do with selling our house (which was being rented for a nice profit, beneficiary our kid, but it wasn’t HIS idea, so he is forcing the sale).

        My Mighty today was not entering into the monkey dance with him in dealing with the above. Even though I am now incredibly snarky and pissed off and adrenalized, I could have said.

        “Fuckoffyouridiculouscunt! You gave me and your daughter PTSD and her ongoing trust issues and scars. You lied about how long you were fucking my ex sister inlaw while she was pretending to be a neighbor, friend and Auntie. She sent you pictures of her tits in 2010- which I know because our 15 year old kid found them on the phone you loaned her. Along with what you texted back. You swore blind to both of us it was ‘only six months’ when we found out in 2012. So your kid knows you are a lying piece of shit, and thinks your girlfriend looks like Freddie Mercury. You can’t ‘afford’ to pay adequate child support, yet you live rent free with the Downgrade who is likely committing welfare fraud. You spent my pension on drugs, and Kiddo will probably need to sue you for college money….so fuck you and the whore you rode in on.”

        But I didn’t. The above is the truth, but a bigger truth is that to get to Meh is going to mean swimming a few more angry laps and not think about these arsewipes.

        (not very Meh today)phista

        • Mehphista… The road to Meh is different for everyone and sometimes the detours, bumps, flat tires, broken gas gauges and road blocks allow us the much needed time to work on ourselves. I think the road is different for everyone and at times things like a broken GPS are signs that moving forward is not ideal at that time and if rushed you could miss your exit or drive by it all together. I think what is important is we have the destination how we get there creates the story of the journey. For some it will be a strait shot to Meh… Others will get stuck on the round-about….. Going in circles for awhile.
          For awhile i just wanted evrything to feel better ‘ NOW’ and I tried to ignore the flashing engine light….then the car crapped out. Jumped out kicked the tires, slammed my fists on the hood for my stupidity…just wanted to get there. I wasnt prepaered nor willing to do the necessary checks for my journey. I didnt prepare. I jumped in the car pointed toward Meh and floored it. No surprise I was left at the side of the road.
          New intinerary…. New plan.I wont be able to predict all the obstacles nor delays but if I take my time, make ready the car and recognize that the detours my take me a bit out of the way ….but I would have never seen nor experienced that part of the road.
          And if he jumps in front of my car…. Lets just say he will be wearing tire tracks.

  • Kicked his ass in divorce settlement. Continued caring for my Dad, bought a new car, fixed my washing machine, mow and snow throw, did the garden myself, bought a laptop. Found a new best friend. Adopted three guinea pigs and saw one through surgery. Cut the hedges. Work on my home based business and have lots of new ideas for it.

  • I’ve had a few low days this week, so in some ways it’s hard to find the mighty.
    BUT! About two weeks ago I decided I was going to start doing push-ups in the morning right when I got out of bed. Not push-ups on my knees, either – on my toes push-ups. Today I made it to 30 freaking push-ups!! Pretty proud of that.

    Also – making my bed. Every morning, without fail. It was something I tried to do while still with XH, but he rarely bothered. It just makes me feel good knowing my pretty room is looking nice.

    • Good for you! Little things count, like making the bed. I also do that now, every day. But 30 push-ups? That is totally awesome.

    • Jealous Of the push-ups, good job! As for the bed, ex never liked it when I made the bed and opened the curtains first thing in the morning. It helps me get the day started!

  • I wasnt as mighty as most of you, I never did find the courage to divorce him even though I should have. When he died (2 3/4 years ago), I decided I had grieved ENOUGH in my horrible marriage and started dating 6 months after he died, took my daughter to London & later to Italy and later my sweet heart took me to Turkey where he proposed.

    Perhaps the mightiest thing I did in all of this was my refusal to let him ruin any more of my life. I had lived devoid of love for so much of my marriage and I wanted to try being married to a non-asshole. To do this I had to take chances and be willing to trust. Im still healing from all the abuse, but I decided to not let what he did to me cheat me out of love in the later parts of my life.

    Really wonderful potential partners aren’t on every street corner, but they do exist and if you want one, I hope you find one as good as mine.

    My life now is seriously better than I ever dreamed possible.

  • Congratulations everyone is so mighty here…Let´s see, my divorce was finalized one month ago, a year and a half after Dday. Since Dday, I have also travelled, remodeled my home, recovered many friends from the past, made awesome new ones,lost weight, regained my health, went on a few dates (latest one very promising, but I am taking it slowly…), received money and help exactly when I needed them,lost only one friend as a consequence from cheaters, helped other people go through their own love situations, learned tons about myself and regained confidence in everything I do, strenghtened my relationships with my daughters, sister and parents, etc.etc..life is so awesome without a cheater!!

  • Lots of mighty I posted last time, but this summer I installed a 90 pound window A/C unit with the help of my 10 year old. And this size 14/16 cellulite-thighed 40-something woman is doing a water ballet. Last weekend I was in a bathing suit and glitter, shaking my tatas and kicking my legs in the air in front of a sold out wildly cheering audience with a bunch of fantastically strong women (and a couple of guys). Gonna do it again this weekend.

  • Not feeling mighty at the moment, though I know I have done mighty things the last six months:
    –Daughter is still alive after two hospitalizations for severe depression and a suicide attempt. Depression seems to be gone!
    –ex took me to court (two years post divorce finalization!) I tried to compromise, and in the end I got what I wanted (more child support, and daughter is not required to see him if she does not want to).
    — was promoted at work and earned a well deserved raise
    — removed two disgusting dead possums from a large planter…who knows how they got in there, and what happened
    — this weekend I am finally painting part of the house which ex promised to do, and never did…)

    So, why do I not feel mighty?
    –I was injured and could not exercise for the past year, and regained all the lost weight, and then some! And at my age, it is not coming off 🙁
    I can workout again, so I am working on it, but it is very slow going. I refuse to buy more clothes!
    — work project has taken longer to complete than expected, so I have not felt like I had a real summer, in “on call” mode every day.
    — I was finally ready to socialize and do some fun things, and now I cannot leave my daughter alone for long.
    — daughters depression has been replaced by severe anxiety. She is a teenager, and triggers appear to be when she has to do something she does not want to do– such as get off the electronics, or when she has to go with me to do something I am really looking forward to doing.

    Sigh. I know this to shall pass, but I admit at three years post separation, two yrs. post divorce finalization , I had hoped to have met a sweet guy….or at least to have been socializing!
    Oh, well. Goal for this next year, I guess.

    • xyz, I’ve been reading here for a while and you’ve had a long road. To see your child suffer is the worst thing in the world – healing thoughts to you and your daughter – you are both mighty!

    • you guys are are so sweet! CL, thx for taking the time to comment with book deadline looming.
      Weekend ended well– finished my painting, and pushed daughter out the door to go to the movies with a friend! three hours alone, woohoo!

  • Congrats on the book….love the cover! For me, I started a new job, started dating a really nice guy, exercising, taking time for me, but most important, I can look in the mirror and like what I see! First time in a long, long time!! Thank you CL for all the support you give us daily!! Could not have got to this point without you!

  • Been about 3.5 years since D-day so still making progress. Took up playing the drums, joined a public speaking group and won Best Speech of the Night with my latest one. Thinking about entering an international speech contest in the fall. Bought a house and am proud of the way I take care of it. Lost 15 lb. Became closer to my parents and siblings, took the plunge and started dating again. Rediscovered my love for dancing with my boyfriend, he loves music as much as I do. Feel more like myself, no more anxiety or depression. Getting stronger every day.

  • Since my ex-wife starting cheating two years ago, I:

    –Left that ho!
    –Filed for divorce.
    –Moved to a new home within my means and began reacquiring possessions.
    –Finalized divorce.
    –Regained the respect of friends and family who saw me wavering in considering staying with a cheating loser.
    –Went NC from my ex.
    –Traveled to Spain, Peru, and locations throughout the West (Zion National Park, Sequoia-Kings Canyon National Park, Columbia River Gorge, Mammoth, Mono Lake…even Disneyland).
    –Completed my MBA at night while continuing to work full time.
    –Paid off my student loans and began saving again for both the short- and long-term (never a forte of the ex).
    –Earned a salary increase of 40% through a series of promotions.
    –Dated.
    –Accepted what my life is, what it isn’t, and what I can make of it now based on the decisions I’ve made so far.
    –Served on jury for a month-long trial while still getting my work done at night (surprisingly rewarding).
    –Went NC from my former in-laws and ex’s friends (why keep in touch with people who think my ex is a good person and we were “equally at fault” in the destruction of my marriage?).
    –Progressed into a long-term relationship with a sexy, smart, quirky, caring, conscientious woman who (like myself) is prone to putting the needs of others before her own.
    –Was sought out by a headhunter for a new job in a new city nearby, to which I’m preparing to move.
    –Am comfortable talking with my girlfriend about a future together, even though I’m not yet ready to “do it all over again.”

    That’s the highlights.

    And I admit, I used to get a satisfaction in hearing through third-party channels that my ex wasn’t doing that well, was still dating her AP (who was cheating on his wife with my ex), was still living in our same marital home and having the same conversations and same live-in-the-moment short-term goals as she had 10 years ago.

    But now, I don’t get much satisfaction out of looking back and seeing her flounder. That’s her life to deal with. It feels pretty “Meh.” I can’t say I’m at 100% Meh yet, but I feel close.

    • Thanks for that message from the shores of Meh! You have totally risen like a phoenix from the ashes. Inspiring.

    • Dang! You go, JC! Really glad to hear that it’s possible to have a relationship of consequence after so much destruction from that douchebag. Good luck with the new job, too! =D

  • He demanded 50% custody of the kids. I demanded a court appointed custody evaluator. The evaluator said he was an abuser and gave him very limited time with the kids. The kids are so relieved. Both me and my kids are mighty for standing up to a scary bully.

    • Nicole S – I am SOOO glad you did that for your children. I’m sick of courts making decisions on behalf of children and “parents,” some of whom can’t even take care of themselves! Way to go and fight back for them, and for your sanity. I’m doing the same thing right now, post divorce. Whatever it takes to keep them insulated – that’s what I’m all about now.

      • Yes KibbleFree I was told by my own lawyer that 50/50 was so prominent in my state to not hope for much more but I did everything I could and prayed and prayed. My ex got the kids 8 hours every other Saturday and that is it. I also gave him one dinner a week with our boys, but no overnights at all. The boys have said that is more than enough time with their father. My ex is now overly nice to me. His mask is back on firmly in place so that he can get more time with his kids. We all see right through it. Hang in there, keep at it, and I will pray for you and your kids that your fight pays off as well as mine did.

  • I became the final judge in the all-county wet t-shirt contest.

    It’s been a long, hard, wet American summer…

  • I am a year out and my divorce is almost complete.

    STBX and his AP live for social media, all over twitter, tumblr, instagram…and I blocked them both and have never felt like peeking. Just not caring to makes me know meh is nearby.

    Furthermore, he has a tv series starting it’s second season and I have no desire to look at it. Not even the episode from last season where someone punches him in the face.

    Meh is coming.

    I can’t say I have don’t anything new around the house, or with the kids, because I did everything in those arenas for the last couple years (when he started his affair hunting in ernest he had no time for that.)

    But I see my friends far more and take more time for me.

    Thank you CL and CN you were and are invaluable during this process.

  • I just finished my first year in private practice as a counselor. I had a dream at 17 years old, but took the teaching road instead because it fits better with raising kids. My counselor asked what would you like to do? Out of my mouth in 2 seconds came be a counselor. I applied for graduate school, took 2 1/2 years to get my masters, took another 3.5 years to get my hours to get my independent license. After the 7 years I opened up a practice, this is my retirement plan. Because I was chumped I have no retirement to say. I have a little bit from my teacher retirement. I gave up my teaching job for his promotion. I panicked and went back to school. Being homeless at 75 scared the crap out of me. I did not want my kids to have to take care of me. Here I am. I see the sign on the building and know I was to be here at this time of my life. Being chumped can give you a life.

  • I may not look like that champion on your cover, but I sure feel like her.

    I started on this forum last year around October and cannot believe how many of us have grown into our own skin, gained confidence and personal happiness since DD. Time heals.

    My children got their mother back. My family got their sister back. I got my life back. I am like a kid in a candy store. You do not realize how much you put your life on hold for a disordered person to exist in it until they are GONE.

    From chump to champ.

    Cheers to your new book, Tracy. May the Force (God for me) be with you, always.

      • Tempest, so glad you are BACK from your wonderful trip abroad. I WISH I was minutes from flying my own plane.

        I have decided I prefer the ultra light over the single engine. Plenty of places to fly in my area and you don’t need a pilot’s license.

        If only I could hang a flag on the back and cruise the beaches this summer with the saying, “Leave a cheater, gain a life: ChumpLady.com.

  • Wow. And I just got the email. I’m officially divorced. Amazingly, I’m leaving on our annual family vacation today and will be surrounded by loved ones. Blue Moon intentions, here I come!!!

  • Maintaining a 4.0 in grad school (state university – not online) My minimum grade in a class so far = 100%

  • I put me first, and don’t feel bad about it. I have learned to trust God and be led by the Spirit.

  • I created a lovely flower garden in front of my house, bought parts for the lawnmower, hired a guy to take 4 full-size pickup loads of junk from outside the house (accumulated by my STBXH) to the dump and organized some of my books on a bookcase with more to go.

    • All good life affirming stuff.reclaim that home and define its comfort in your terms.your space,your choice and your life .good on ya x

  • Brand new, awesome bionic knee, long overdue.

    In solidarity with Moonbeam over in the forum, I scheduled also overdue routine medical exams and necessary procedures over the next month. How appropriate that it’s a blue moon today because what’s on the calendar today is a once-in-a-blue-moon thing, and not something I look forward to.

    Turned it into an invite, but surprisingly few (okay, no) other posters have jumped on board so far. Latch string is still out on the invite to schedule those for yourself. It’s called `getting Moonbeamed’, even if you’re the one doing the mooning.

    Because hey, part of getting a life is taking care of the life we’ve got. .

    • EnoughAlready, I did take up the Moonbeam challenge but I forgot to write about it. Smear test – done, Flu shot – done (it is winter here), bloodtests done revealing bad anemia, started on iron tablets until the cause of the anemia is worked out but an awesome side effect is that my terrible pulsatile tinnitus is gone! I can sleep! So thank you and Moonbeam both for that push. I am feeling so much healthier and mightier!

  • I put everything I own into storage, bought a camper, and took off on a cross country trip with my adult kids. We’re about 3000 miles into it now, and I’m signing my final divorce papers electronically today. I have never felt so happy and so mighty!

  • Getting up in the morning is easier. Having more fun with the kids. Talking to friends more. Talking to strangers more. Still employed. Life is better than it was the last 7 months. Now I wait for the legal stuff, some $$$, and start making some plans further out than tomorrow. I think a trip shall take place in March 2016.
    “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans” – John Paul George Ringo

  • -I filed for divorce 5 years ago.
    -Moved out four years ago with the kids and went to my mom’s.
    -Lost the house that we owned together to foreclosure.
    -Filed for bankruptcy.
    -Bought a car after dickhead stole the one that was in both of our names right out of the driveway one night.
    -I am rebuilding my credit and paying every bill on my own and on time.
    -Try daily to make sure my boys will not become the emotional, verbal and mental abuser their father was. The older boy learned a lot from his dad by the time he was 13, the younger one is better off since we got out when he was nine.
    -Told the lawyer last month to file charges for the 401 k and pension statements. Fours year of waiting for this info is BS. I’m done being a doormat. Mr. Narc always let things slide and then I would let them get shoved under the carpet. Not anymore! I want what I deserve. That shit should hit the fan next week in the court system.
    -Have done everything I can to do what’s right for the kids. I follow the custody agreement, he follows what fits his mood. This doesn’t work all the time, but I do my best.
    -Taught my oldest how to drive.
    -I am taking my oldest on college visits. I am determined to give him the education he deserves even if his dad won’t pay for any of it.
    -I have learned to say no without any explanation. That is very hard to do, especially if you’ve always been a pleaser.
    -I’ve also become much better at no contact. No contact sounded completely impossible 4 years ago. Well its not now!
    -I’ve become my mom’s caregiver. She is in her nineties and we still live with her. Some days are better than others!
    -I’ve also taken charge of my health. No more putting me at the bottom of the list. I am getting my diabetes under control, starting to exercise, eating better.
    -Learned to laugh at dickhead when he spends time with our kids, his AP, her husband and her kids. What a bunch of losers!

    Chump Lady – I owe a lot of this to you and CN. I wish I had come across your blog in the first year. I’d be that much closer to meh if I had. But we all take different roads to that final destination. And fortunately I can see it on the horizon.

    • What a list! I see lots of parallels between your accomplishments and things I need to do. You are an inspiration.

  • My life is very similar externally to what it’s been for a long time, and I’m good with that. Same job, house, friends for the most part. That’s good, cause my daughter needs stability and so do I.

    What has changed is my thinking. It has gotten back to where it was before the Cheaters and the RIC hijacked my brain. I had some sort of jacked up mentality that didn’t support my values. I now accept no bullshit about or from cheaters . It is 100% wrong, all the time. And the blame is 100% on the person cheating. No one or nothing else. Once I (re) internalized those concepts, I don’t worry whether anyone else agrees or not because I know it’s right.

    • not Juliet, your post sounds just like my life just now. I am working to internalize that he did wrong, and what I did in response (end the marriage) is right. Even when it feels so sad and lonely. Doesn’t feel very mighty, but reading hear gives me so much inspiration. Much love to CN!

  • Divorced in February from a cheater. Started jogging, am learning how to get around by car without him, became a lesson reader at my church. Am starting to take more interest in my job and have gotten a few writing assignments. I can sit in the coffee shop alone, and can enjoy a glass of wine at my local neighborhood place without feeling like a total loser. Not dating much yet, but I’m more comfortable with myself and know what’s out of bounds for me. So yeah, I guess I am mighty after all!

  • CL and CN you are all so MIGHTY and supportive. Without this site I would not have gained the insight to gather 6 years of personal and corporate financials, asset docs, bank records (full of gambling and drinking evidence), phone records you name it. I sat RIGHT beside him as the server handed him a 4″ binder of all my exhibits and the petition. Then of course the crazy wheels went off the bus 😉 He chose to assault me and take a trip to our local law enforcement detachment while wearing nothing but his housecoat and slippers! Lucky for him, the local poepoe put him on an undertaking, the judge gave me exclusive possession of the family home and our daughter has primary residence with me. He gets to see her 9 days a month. So far … soooooOOOOoooo AWESOME!

    I now have unfettered access to laugh, cry, dance, hug, kiss, love and adore my babies without his sad sack of mindfuckery and obfuscation fucking our shit up! The ‘king of kaltanic’ gone messed with the wrong girl! I don’t care if he ever gets hit by the karma bus. I don’t care what 50 flavours of strange he bangs. I love our life not having to wretch while looking at his disgusting fucked up soul. That’s on him 😉

    Thank you CL and thank you to everyone who comes to CL’s site. You’re all fucking brilliant, amazing, strong, beautiful, worthy…and so much more. Thank you for helping me get me back! Breathtakingly beautiful.

  • I have MS, was in remission for 10 years before D-Day. Spent two long years in ridiculous attempts at reconciliation. Have now been divorced for 1 year. My XH refused to leave the house for 18 months after separation but continued to date (ie. see prostitutes) while living with me. We went through financial court and child court while living together – absolute hell on earth. Two days after the last court date, I lost the use of my legs. For the last year I have been rehabilitating. I started by walking down my back yard. I live near a river with benches. The first week I walked to the first bench and back and the second week the second bench and back. The third week the third bench and back – you’ve got the idea. I rehabilitated while taking care of two children. I am now up to walking 1 mile at a time and 5 miles over a whole day – I am mighty!!

    I will be on disease modifying medication for the rest of my life and will never be quite the same again but I have my life back and am happier than ever.

    • You are awesome! Having your EX and his drama out of your life will help you enormously! I have close friends who have MS and know that emotional drama can reek havoc on MS.

  • Let’s see-

    About a year ago, inspired by the CL I started my own blog. Basically it’s about all the things I’ve gained since my divorce; observations, stories about the ex’s infidelity, etc. I even have a few followers. It’s been very therapeutic because it’s forced me to do a lot of introspection. It’s helped me flex my writing muscle too. Writing was something I enjoyed prior to marriage but didn’t really get the chance to do after I said “I do.” The ex isn’t a big fan of reading or writing and though he would happily take advantage of any skills I had, he didn’t understand my passion for either activity. Thankfully I’m free to do all the writing I want to do these days (when I’m not working).

    I lived through one of the worst winters on record in New England and I didn’t need his help at all nor did I ask for it. I only had one unscheduled absence over it too. Not even because I was afraid to drive. After almost 49 years of this shit however sometimes you just get sick of it!

    I have successfully maintained zero contact with the exhole too. I’ve blocked him from every venue except email and instructed my adult children that they are in charge of their relationship with their dad. Any requests for help must go directly to him, not through me. I have not spoken or texted him in well over a year and there have been a total of 2 emails related to the kids. No contact is a thing of beauty!

    I paid off my car 16 months early and I’m well on my way to paying off the only other debt ( a time share i bought to get me out the one I shared with him) I have. It will be paid off in March. About 8 years early.

    I successfully took back my maiden name. Normally not a difficult task unless you live in a state that expects you to make that decision on the day you get divorced. No changing your mind either, unless you want to pay a whole bunch of money and take all kinds of extra time off from work. I figured it out though and I did it.

    Not only that but I sent a letter to the first woman from our city to be elected into our state senate. Oh, she also just happens to be our majority leader in the state house. I outlined the ridiculous hoops that our state makes a woman jump through if she doesn’t make the decision to change her name on the day she’s making one of the biggest changes in her life! You know what? She liked my letter.

    Her aide called me a week later to tell me the senator is working to change the law in our state. He’s called a couple of times to keep me updated on what’s happening and to ask me if I would be willing to give testimony! How mighty is that?

    I also just applied for a MS degree program in our state. Fingers crossed.

    Love to chump nation! It really is better on the other side.

  • Divorced 23 days now! After nearly 47 years married (almost 52 years together), with three children and three grandchildren. And you know what? It’s good! Really healthy and good!!

    I took over 4 1/2 years to process the revelation of his three-decade-long ongoing double life with another woman (plus others) and the discovery that much of our whole life together was based on unsuspected lies. After the total shock and disbelief, I learned about malignant NPD people, trauma bonding (there was all kinds of abuse, too), brainwashing, and cognitive dissonance. I reached out to others and hid nothing. I had LOTS of support, and God totally guided me and provided for me every step of the way! I took the time to heal and to prepare every move, logistically and financially.

    Once I was able to face and accept the truth (with God’s help), I managed to disentangle myself. I worked my way through desperation and despair, longing and loneliness, and got to Meh. He wanted us to stay together. (Of course! I was very useful on many levels.) I progressively got back in touch with the real ME and my core beliefs and values, and chose to divorce. Even at this stage of my life. I got an apartment we owned, half our assets, and half his pension. I also still have an active intellect, my looks, my body, my health, my energy and a vivid interest in life and people.

    I relocated thousands of miles away and have already begun a rich, full, meaningful new life, while still keeping and treasuring old friends, contacts and even in-laws, and maintaining parts of my ‘other’ life.

    Thank you, ChumpLady and Divorce Minister, for re-affirming and validating what is true and what is right.

  • This really got me thinking this morning.

    When you are the person that is used to tackling things that are ‘manly’ (build new stairs to front door, change the locks, build a fence) or detailed oriented (write the separation agreement, change the home ownership, manage the renovations) or adult (file the divorce papers, pack up and move his stuff by yourself to his new place) – it doesn’t seem like you are being mighty.

    Since I am almost at the 8th anniversary of D-Day 2 (and the end), wow, my list would be pages and pages long.

    What stands out for me is something completely unexpected: I fell in love again. It didn’t work out but that relationship was restorative and helped me re-learn how much I have to offer and that I was capable of loving someone again. This is huge when you have been gaslighted for years and your trust in yourself and humanity is gone.

    Tracy thank you so much for all you do.

    • MovingForward, “I fell in love again.” Wow. “Do one thing scary,” right!?!?! :D. After going through something like this, that is amazingly MIGHTY!

  • All of Chump Nation, however far along you are, you are all so Mighty!
    I am working on my way of thinking, and trying to see the world in a positive light every day. I now protect myself from users, and speak up on my own behalf whenever I need to.
    I am in a fun relationship with BF, but if it doesn’t go long-term, I am positive I will be fine on my own. This is a huge change for me!
    I reached my goal of working at my current job for 5 yrs, and then started applying for some (much better) jobs. One of them hired me right away, it was very exciting, and I think it’s going to work out great! I start on Monday. Being 60 years old, and in a competitive field (Radiography), this was a great affirmation for me!
    I hardly think about having a Breast Cancer diagnosis 1 1/2 yrs ago, because it’s gone, and I feel really healthy!
    I am still happy to be living in the state where I grew up, and goofy X is safely 900 miles away. Brings that stress to almost zero.
    My 32 yr old son just bought his first house, proving he did not inherit X’s irresponsible ways. So proud!
    My future feels bright, and secure, just the way I always hoped it would.
    CL, keep up your fine work, I hope you make tons of money on your new book!

    • Way to go, Free Woman!! I’m so glad you can finally define what YOU want your life to look and feel like. Thank God that your cancer scare is behind you, also! That is amazing, and I’m glad to hear there is some distance between you and that x-douchebag. It’s te kids, though, isn’t it? We worry that they’ll take on some of their crazy parent’s behavior. So happy to hear that your son has his stuff togeter! Way to go!

      • Thank you, KibbleFree! My life is a work in progress, but it is MY life now! I want to make it as great as it can be, to prove to myself that X did not destroy me. In fact, his reveal of his low character, and the ease with which he betrayed me, broke me open! It shocked me into action, and I’ve just kept going! Not all of the decisions I made worked out, but most of them did. Not bad, not bad at all, and like I said, the future looks pretty damn bright!
        I love being single. I won’t define myself as being ‘Divorced’, because it was not my fault. I feel re-born, with all my options open, in large part thanks to the Chump tribe. All of you are so inspiring!

        • Oh, and for anyone who is facing cancer, I recommend turning up your nutrition with a daily green smoothie! I make mine every day, all organic, and they do not cost alot. I put in rolled oats, spinach, raw ginger (small amount), cinnamon, 1 date, brewers yeast, 1/2 a banana, and 1 scoop of Green Defense powder. And water. Blend in the blender, and drink it the same day, they don’t keep very well. You can add a bit of Stevia if you need it sweeter.
          We all have to take control of our health!

  • Only 2 months into this but I can tell you this, true friends will always be there for you, even if you lost more than a decade of your life to a disordered individual, they will be there when you emerge waiting to wrap you in kindness and dry your tears. After years of being made to feel worthless I didn’t think they would.

    I am mighty because I found the strength to reach out and build a support system that will see me through the rest of this horrible insane process.

  • Tracy – my mightiness would have come sooner if my therapist taught me what I learned here about the disordered personality and character behind cheating. or if friends and family knew what to do and say after the infidelity was known.

    PLEASE think about including “Do this/Don’t do that” lists in your new book (appendices?) for therapists, friends, family, coaches. they can read further as needed. but lists help emphasize important points and teach quickly. more education is needed!!

    far too many well-intentioned people are ignorant. they believe erroneous infidelity cultural myths or are mis-educated (“something must be wrong with the marriage”), while family and friends believe the lies (“I was so unhappy”).

    education = mightiness

  • I’ve been reading this blog for a couple months now & this is my first post. I reactivated my Facebook acct yesterday and decided to only post positive mssgs now. Divorce was finalized two weeks ago. I definitely got the better end of the deal-my 17 year old daughter lives w/ me full time & while I have to deal w/ my 13 yr old son spending every other weekend w/ my XH & the OW I am slowly coming to terms w/ that. I put up w/ the affair for 2+ years while he led me to believe he was “trying.” They worked in an elementary school together-he was her boss. Scandalous. He left 8 mos. ago after 18 yrs of marriage & 27 yrs together. We were HS sweethearts. So onto the positives! I learned to open a bottle of wine myself, continue to take really good care of my kids, doing a damn good job managing my son’s healthcare (he was diagnosed w/ Crohn’s disease a month before his dad moved out), bought beautiful new dishes & will clean out 27 yrs worth of old crap from my cabinets today, living an honest & authentic life everyday no matter how hard it is & teaching my kids that integrity & honesty are everything! Plans for the near future: take a sign language class (always wanted to learn), sign me & the kids up for the single parent plan at the Y (only $37/mo!) & lose the 20lbs of emotional weight I put on. Taking one little step everyday-I can do it! Love this blog – my story is by no means unique & the power I feel from all of you is inspiring!

      • Way to go, MamaBear! I also blew 23 years of my life on a “high school sweetheart.” Turns out his mental capacity didn’t progress much more after about age 22. Now at 40 I’m divorced, one child is 22 with a 3 year-old of his own, and my oldest is a sophomore in high school. I feel that my life is just beginning now that I’m not tied to the emotionally immature douchebag. It’s hard when we allow our lives to somewhat be defined by a relationship that we “grew up” inside of. No more, and I can hear the same with you! I’m so glad your son has an amazing Mom to love and care for him while he deals with Crohn’s. You are mighty!!

  • Nothing at all….. still married… still together… 8 months post DDay….. No energy or not in mood to do to much…. hows that!!!??

    • It takes time to decide what to do. You woke up this morning. You made a rational post. ((Hugs)) to you.

    • I’m with ya Dave. Some days are better than others. Early this week — bad. Yesterday — good. Today took a step back. Just putting one foot in front of the other, day by day. We’ll get there eventually.

    • DavidB, I’m sorry you are in than mode, or too depressed to move forward. Try to get away somewhere ny yourself for the weekend. You need some space to decide what to do, once you decide things will change. Jedi hugs dude, come on the forums if you need to talk, lots of good peeps there.

    • You realised your wife is a lying cheating son of a bitch. That in itself is mighty to not stick your head in the sand about it.
      You’re feeling like crap because you KNOW that shes scum of the earth – and trying to reconcile the fact that people can be lying, evil pricks, even the ones we care the most about.

  • It was almost four years ago when old marriage was coming apart. 3 years divorced. The cartoon that Tracy drew of “state of meh” was in response to my letter. I had quite a journey it was tough with huge amount of gas lighting and blame shifting. And mindfuckery others deemed very cruel. But I triumphed. Still standing Ray to borrow from Raging Bull.

    – in two weeks I marry a great woman. Kind with a huge heart. A lot of others said she is the very opposite from my ex. I went through a lot of therapy, books, and chump lady posts to realize my worth. The wife to be gets me. I am experiencing real mutual love. It’s fantastic.

    – we bought a dream house ’27 Tudor and our kids are loving it. It has this zen landscaped backyard where we have coffee.

    – end of September going to Paris for honeymoon. Left bank. Romantic hotel. Remember chump nation keep dreaming. Let those narcs go and live.

    – with my band we cut an album, got on iTunes, internet radio and made a pro video. All while middle age and slightly thick in the middle.

    – I finally enjoyed fun amazing vacations with my kids and my fiancé, where I didn’t walk on eggshells.

    – I found my voice and became an inter grated man. Not an overbearing jerk but a strong in faith, understanding my power and in control of my reactions to situations. Broke the victim trap.

    – I was in a short film that I had 2nd lead that was in film fests. My kids witnessed me on set using my talents and still dreaming. I worked with great friends and talented people.

    -lastly and this one one I am them most proud about..,I mentored other male chumps try to navigate out of hell. With late night calls, texts, helping with moving trucks, reading decrees, money, babysitting, and constantly screaming “get up, move forward, duct tape your guts back in, and let’s go man”. You are worthy. Live for your kids climb those ropes like Rocky. Believe in yourself.

    Tracy you helped me when I was in the pit. Psalm 40. Chump Nation, Move forward. Mourn your past, but dream your new songs. I did. God sped.

    • Going home — congrats on your engagement! I got a little teary reading this. I so remember you, your letter, and drawing the Meh cartoon. Look what you started! And I’m so impressed that you’re paying it forward to other guy chumps. Man, that’s an underserved community. A real friend is the guy with the moving van. Well done.

      • WOW, Going Home – I can only pray that my new beginning will be as happy as yours sounds to be. Congrats on your upcoming wedding! Sounds like you found a really wonderful partner, who loves you the way we all had hoped before becoming Chumps. SO happy for you!!

  • You took the time and energy to read CL’s post and hopefully all the inspiring posts from fellow chumps 🙂 Your time will come and maybe consider this lull, not inaction, but recuperation. When you are ready, I bet you will kick ass like so many here!

      • ChumpyElf…. Had the same problem at times… My post would end up at the very bottom of the page and not linked to the person I was responding to. Never seem to happen from my phone…. I am not IT savy… But it may be your link or server

  • I left a high-paying career and moved across the country to find a new job, new daycare for my kids, new doctors, and with few friends. I went from a huge house to a shared living situation. I had a surprise baby (from the final days with STBX), meaning that I did all the above while pregnant. During my pregnancy I also filed, got, and paid for a divorce.

    It is something to know that I did this while sick with pregnancy, and with a decimated psyche, managing to avoid checking into a mental ward, thankfully.

    Going forward, my goal is to get back to where I want to be. There is progress. No more panic attacks! Triggers abound, but time is helping. I am moving up in my job..it’s not where I want to be but it will do for now. I’m saving money for a house, again, more slowly than I’d like, but steadily. EMotionally, I’m nowhere near where I want to be….I have major trust issues and don’t have the spark that I used to have…..so I’ve decided to see a therapist. It’s time. That is my next mighty thing to do.

    • LUD

      Holy shit you are mighty. I can’t imagine doing all that you did while being pregnant. What strength and courage you have. Very impressive.

    • LiningUpDucks – your perserverence is massive. All while pregnant?? Wow! I’m so glad your new baby won’t have to be around that asshat for a majority of their life. You are amazing. Big (((hugs))) to you, and cheers to your new douchebag-free life!! =)

  • So good reading how mighty everyone in Chump Nation is! I don’t always feel very mighty, but when I write down all I have done in the past year it reminds me of how my hard work, and the support of so many people including all of you in CN, has made life so much better…..

    – went to court and divorce granted last August. X fought until the end to not give me anything from our 30+ marriage, saying I didn’t deserve it. Ended up with half of everything and indefinite alimony.

    – oldest son attempted suicide a few weeks before the court date. I thank Goddess that I woke up and found him on the living room floor at 3.00 am and called the paramedics in time. He has recovered with all his faculties, is living on his own with a friend from high school, working, and clear eyed. I see him every week and every time I see him know that I am the luckiest woman in the world.

    – was supported hugely by the people in the office where I work, who didn’t suggest but just told me I was taking a stress leave with full pay to get the divorce, house sale, son’s hospital stay resolved. That three months off saved my life.

    – after the divorce was granted prepared the house for sale on my own, including doing all the renovations that X wouldn’t finish or pay for, in spite of the divorce agreement. Found out that an underground oil tank needed dealing with and gritted my teeth and went into (more) debt to get that removed and remediated. Went back to court to force X to choose a real estate agent and pay his half of the prep costs. Sold the house in one week, cash, over asking, no conditions.

    – back to court again to force a split of the pensions, payment of alimony, and finish off the divorce. Took seven months after the divorce was granted, but I stayed no contact and worked through the lawyers and didn’t give up.

    – youngest two kids both accepted to professional schools, law and social work. I have enough money from the house that I can help them out with tuition, rent, and whatever their part time jobs and student loans don’t cover. I see them or talk to them every week and along with their older brother they are the delight of my life.

    – became good friends with my long time neighbour, who is now a yoga partner, fellow foodie and general kind person. I never had friends when I was with X as he sucked up all my free time, and I love having time for friends now! And I’m closer to my sister, who is my rock, than I have ever been.

    – found a fabulous condo to rent in the neighbourhood I wanted to live in, closer to work, pet friendly and new. I feel like I am living in a palace now when I go home, a palace with staff!

    – the Elderly Cat has adjusted wonderfully to retirement living, is healthy as all get out and has a lovely, kind, and animal-crazy cat sitter who visits when I travel. With any luck he will live another fifteen years.

    – paid off the lawyers (over $80k), my car, my wonderful sister, and am debt free. Put will, representation agreement, and Power of Attorney in place. My kids get everything.

    – kept my blood sugar down even in the worst of the stress. I’m getting back into running after a year hiatus, and have been doing yoga and spin classes every week.

    – I still think of X too much, but I suppose after 36 years that is to be expected. I am still learning to accept a compliment, a kindness, a gift, and not to cry with surprise and gratitude when someone treats me kindly.

    I’m going to Montreal at the end of August this year to celebrate my new life. I am surrounded by only good people now, living in a beautiful space that I am slowly turning into my home, have three wonderful kids who are proving to be as resilient, hard-working, kind, and empathetic as their mother and aunt are. I am so grateful, and so lucky to be where I am now.

    When I started reading here in 2012 I didn’t believe that things would get better. But you know, they do.

      • NewMeme – your story is SO inspiring! I’m glad you had angels wake you up at 3 to find your son and save him. Coincidences are not that huge, and he’s doing so well now! Truly inspiring. (((Hugs to you!))) Enjoy your trip – you’ve earned it!!

        • KF, it definitely was no coincidence finding him in time. I feel like I’ve had angels/guardians looking out for me through this entire process, as there have been just too many “coincidences” as I took this path. Every time I made another decision, took another step, there was help. Maybe not what I expected, not what I wanted at the time, but looking back it was exactly what I needed. I just had to take that first step.

          Good thoughts to you on your path, KF!

    • NewMeme — you’ve accomplished so much! So sorry about your son, thank God you were there. I’m glad he’s doing better. ((Hugs)) to you and every parent who has had to deal with their child’s grief as well as their own. This is tough stuff, and you all impress me deeply with your mightiness.

      • CL, thank you so much.I couldn’t have done it without you and Chump Nation – I was here every single day through all the crap. I don’t think there are enough words to tell you how grateful I am for this sanctuary you have created, and for the kind and mighty people who frequent it.

        Many hugs back!

    • Thank you for sharing your wonderful story and I am glad to hear your son is better. As an aside, I was just in Montreal two weeks ago and while at the lovely botanical gardens, a maple tree cracked (sounded like what I imagine a gunshot sounding like) and a big branch fell down and thwacked me on top of the head. It was the leafy end so I was unhurt but was very startled. Bienvenue à Montréal, indeed!

      • ChumpyElf, I am glad that you are ok! Makes me think that rather than go to the Gardens, it might be a good idea to stick to cafes, galleries, and the Film Festival…….

        I hope that in spite of that experience you had a fabulous time in Montreal – It is one of my favourite cities in Canada, even in the winter!

  • Wow. What inspiring comments! I have achieved basic mightiness (moved out, filed, learned how to mow, grill, snowblow, assemble furniture, and set up a new router and modem) but you all are giving me lots of ideas for going bigger. For me the biggest so far has been to silence STBX’s voice in my head, which for years has prevented me from buying so much as a single piece of home decor. He’s a successful artist and always found reasons to return anything I bought–never without mansplaining his reasons using snooty-pants mumbo jumbo about my “aesthetic sensibilities” and how tacky they are.

    So I’ve decorated my new home in an eclectic explosion of color that I’ve always loved and that drives STBX crazy. Best part is that because I’m no longer a doormat, he knows he can’t say anything anymore to influence my taste. I also returned a painting by one of his well-known artist friends, which he gave me as a passive-aggressive housewarming present that in no way suits my new decor. That felt good!

    And just as satisfying is that nearly everyone who’s visited my modest little house remarks on how much they love what I’ve done with it, all on a fraction of the budget we had with the STBX Approved Decorator who used to work with me on occasion at our previous home. I invited her over to see the new place and being that she worked with us together (STBX always had to approve anything she did since the house also functions as his studio/gallery) and saw the toxic dynamic between us, she said, “You are a brave girl. I always told you that you had good taste, you just needed to allow yourself to express it. You finally did, and your house looks beautiful!”

    Evidence that Meh is approaching . . . I didn’t even have the urge to tell STBX what the decorator said as “proof” that I do actually have good “aesthetic sensibilities.” In fact, it didn’t even cross my mind until now and I still don’t have the slightest urge to do it, not because I know how pointless it would be but because I no longer care what he thinks about my taste. If only I can get closer to Meh on other aspects of the divorce, but it’s a good first step.

      • Love the purple living room! Mine is a dusky pink 🙂 I also bought a print by a “commercial” artist my STBX hates–I tried to buy it a few years back when I first started taking baby steps to stand up for myself, but he mocked me so mercilessly I decided it wasn’t worth it (he even called a couple of his artist friends to back him up–what a control freak). Now it sits across from my desk and I get to enjoy looking at it every day.

  • Ooh ooh!! Hand raised!

    I am currently in Europe with Karma Express (months ago we planned this trip after “meeting” on CL). We are on a healing journey, having met several English chumps in London, York, and Edinburgh mid-July. Currently in Stockholm until Sunday. Not only did I take back London (having spent lots of time there with my British X), also met up with former SIL (after X told her not to have any contact with me. ha!), but the trip was planned to take back my life in general. Don’t miss cheater one bit.

  • It will be a year in November that I’ve been divorced. In the meantime, I moved several states away and stayed NC. I’m about to complete my life coach training program, which I started earlier in the year. With my background in Psychology, it’s something I always wanted to do. I plan to work with folks like us, who’ve been chumped, bamboozled, or jimmy jacked by helping them see how amazing they are and empower them to make transformative changes in their lives.

    As an avid reader of the Daily Word, I found today’s message so appropriate for how I’m feeling, “I embark on new beginnings with a positive outlook. I expect wholeness, love, and freedom. Uplifted by my consciousness of spiritual Truth, I know all things are possible.”

    Thank you Tracy and CN, I shudder to think what my life would be like if I hadn’t found this blog two years ago. I feel as if I’ve been given a second chance at life. I will be forever grateful and plan to pay it forward by leading others out of the trenches and into their wonderful new life.

  • It’s been exactly two weeks since my breakup with a serial-cheating boyfriend of three years (who was also a big financial burden). Since then:

    – I blocked him on my phone and social media, and have maintained no contact
    – Told most of my friends (even some mutual friends) about the breakup due to his most recent instance of cheating. (After he confessed last year about a different OW, for a long time I isolated myself and didn’t tell friends what was going on.)
    – Went to yoga almost every day
    – Scheduled introductory appointment to see a therapist
    – Steadily continuing work on my dissertation (depression/problems with cheater seriously slowed down my progress for a while, but I’m going to finish this thing)
    – Bought myself some sparkly new earrings, because now that cheating money-pit is out of the picture, I get to actually spend my money on myself!

    Wow, even though it’s been a very hard few weeks, writing this list actually does make me feel kind of mighty!

    Also, thank you, Chump Lady, for all of your thoughtful posts. I discovered this site just a few weeks before the breakup. Reading through the posts and comments here was one of the things that helped me find courage to walk away from a destructive relationship.

    • theaubergine–I lurked on this site for a year as my life came undone. It has been the writing of many mighty women and men that has kept me going and allowed me to see the possibilities. It sounds like you may be younger, (I’m 46) so hopefully you can benefit from the collective experience on this site! Your courage is impressive!

  • CL and CN has helped me understand just about everything about myself, my life (that I was an alcoholic and a codependent person) for starters. My life blew up when I discovered my STBX’s 4 year affair in September 2014 with a co-worker that I suspected back in 2012 and he denied. I hit my bottom hard and came to realize I was addicted to alcohol when that happened to me because the alcohol is what I turned to after that revelation. I ended up checking myself into a private treatment center for addictions that was 5 weeks long in Nov 2014. I’ve since been in recovery and attend AA at least twice a week, I also attend Al anon because STBX is also an alcoholic and drug addict (weed use). I’ve been sober for 9 months now, last drink was Oct 27, 2014, worst night of my entire life, tried to take my life while drunk.

    While in recovery I also went on a mission to figure out my relationship with my STBX of 25 years, I’ve learned that I’m a codependent and he is a narcissists (covert leaning). I’ve learned that I need to work on not being a codependent anymore and plan to get counseling set up where I now live.

    I found myself a good lawyer as soon as I was out of the treatment center, I’ve filed for divorce and I left STBX last March for 2 months to a city 80 miles away. He sucked me back in because he quit drinking and began to come to all the AA meetings I was attending. It didn’t take long after going back home to catch him still doing drugs and lying and hiding it from me. Then I found out he was still in contact with the AP. So I made a plan to leave again, this time for good. I also believe now he was using AA (attending) to manipulate me into coming back. This time I moved over 200 miles away which is where I should have moved to before because our two daughters are here, it’s a big city with many resources including an awesome AA support system, lots of meetings 7 days a weeks, many a day. That’s very important to me now as it’s a life long program.

    I packed everything last weekend, this time everything! And the moving company moved me just on Monday. I won’t run into STBX living here like the last city at meetings, I’ve gone 100% NC now and intend to continue doing that. Today I’m getting myself settled in a nice 2 bedroom apartment I’m renting, this time I have the pets with me, my 2 cats and my dog. Our marital home needs to be sold but STBX won’t list it, so my lawyer is in the process of getting that done for me through court (court ordered).

    Today my mind is clear, I feel sane and I’m working on my recovery from my addiction and my dysfunctional marriage. CL and CN you have played a big part in all my recovering and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping gain a real LIFE! Congrats on the book CL, can’t wait to buy it. 🙂

    • Just wanted to add, since all these happened to me, along with the infidelity diet, exercising and trying my best to eat period (healthy now), I’ve lost 47 LBS. I went out and bought myself some new smaller clothes which is something I hadn’t done in a very long time. I also colored my hair back to it’s natural brown just last night in fact because STBX always wanted it blond. So I’m starting to look like my young (LOL) self I was years ago.

        • Thank you Dat and Working it Out, One day at a Time I’m trucking along! Want to mention too that my employer of 11 years has had my back through all of this, they gave me time off work and when I came back aloud me to transfer locations and gave me some really big government accounts that increased my pay which is helping me get my finances back in order. Their support has been amazing. 🙂

  • I wrote to Chump Lady on July 3rd that I couldn’t evict loser STBX from my head. Her response, as well as the rest of CN, felt like the rain we received in Texas this spring after years of drought. After reading all 206 comments, I called bullshit on myself, too and decided to be mighty.
    In the last four weeks, I have committed to an exercise program so I can run in the Thanksgiving Turkey Trot, I have made a detailed budget so I can control my finances and helped my 16-year old son change his flat tire. And most mightily, when my three kids gifted me with a beautiful pair of earrings (just because!), I accepted the present with a grateful heart. I kissed each child and crumpled up the return receipt. I have worn the earrings every day since.
    I think, in order to be mighty, you have to first feel worthy. Thanks, CL and CN for helping me take that first, hardest step to believing in myself.

  • You guys, forgive me for not replying to each and every MIGHTY comment, but you are all so inspiring and I get teary reading it all.

    I’m putting the finishing touches on this book and FIFTY cartoons (that you haven’t seen… whether they all get in there, I don’t know) — and your stories are giving me that big PUSH across the finish line.

    You’re all the BEST.

    This place exists because of you and your stories. Otherwise it would just be my brain dump up there online. But you’re the life blood of this place, the way you hold each other up. I couldn’t be more proud. Thank you.

  • 1. Divorce from satan was final in February, 2015 YA!
    2. I sold most of the furniture and heavy antiques in our home of 30 years…then I sold the house and bought my new one in my restored maiden name
    🙂 and am living comfortably with my faithful dog by my side almost an hour away from the hell that satan still lives in.
    3. Dissolved partnership with satan in business I started – no more bookkeeping for the disordered asshole.
    4. I bought tools and have built myself a workbench 🙂 … I painted it hot pink 🙂 I didn’t even know I could use a circular saw let alone build
    anything! I found I really like working with my hands and have repaired / repurposed many things for my new little home. I am thinking I would
    like to start a business doing it – selling repaired / repurposed items and am making plans with my sister and one of my creative friends to do just
    that 🙂
    5. I have met lots of really great GENUINE people and am amazed that we all have fun regardless of the activity and no one needs to get drunk or
    stoned to do it!!! What! LOL!!!! I always hated that about satan…no beer no fun.
    6. I have remained NC with satan and now also my youngest and his wife as they became abusive and disrespectful to me for whatever reason (I have
    no idea why – they do spend a lot of time with satan sooo???) and will remain NC with them until that stops. I no longer tolerate abuse at all.

    Thank you Tracy and Chump Nation for showing me the way to Meh and encouraging me to keep keepin on!!

    No matter where you are in your journey out of the disordered hell of your narc just remember every step away you take makes you MIGHTIER!!!! There IS a better life on the other side!

    ROCK ON CHUMP NATION!

  • Newbie here!
    After three years of personal counseling to improve all the flaws she said I needed to work on after her first fling, after FINALLY realizing I could not rationalize or compromise her second infidelity in April which she said “surprised” her and happened “unexpectedly”, after leaving her just this last May, living out of four plastic storage buckets in five different places for the next five weeks, gloriously moving into my own apartment less than a month ago, and beating myself up all this time for all the things she said I did to ruin the marriage … I am finally realizing SHE SUCKS!
    She doesn’t share my values of fidelity, loyalty, honesty, respect, honor, and cherishing my spouse.
    I am a chump, a good, honest, trusting, loving, gentle, funny, kind, good-looking chump! And proud of it!!
    Chump Lady: You’ve opened my eyes!! SHE SUCKS!! Wow! What a relief!!

  • Whoo Hoo! Chump Nation, you rock ever so greatly! There are so many inspiring stories on this post,
    and I love the cover for the book.
    I’ll be happy to help promote it in any way I can. Just….wow!

    I left my clearly disordered husband in November. Just moved out one day with the help of family while he was at work for my own safety – 200 miles away. No, he didnt know until he came home to a wife-less house. Filed for divorce shortly after that. Divorce was finalized in Febrary. Had put the home I owned exclusively on the market (thank God I
    never put his name on the title). It also sold in February. Soon after arriving at my new location (near family members), I was asked to serve on the Board of Directors for the local chapter of the United Way Disability Network –
    a resource warehouse for anyone with any kind of disability. I serve as their PR/Community Relations contact due to my former profession in print media. Everyone who works for the organization, or serves on the Board, has a disability – it’s peer-driven, and I’m so proud to be involved with this group!
    A few months later I was asked to work (very) part-time for another non-profit as their Executive Officer to supplement my SSD income. It’s a great group of people and not overly taxing for me. I’m renting a modest home, with a small back yard, and am gearing up to get a service dog (whom I met last week, and I adore him already). I just need to make some modifications to my home (like installing a doggy door) – which I’m in the process of having done. Last, but not least, I’ve unpacked my harp, and am playing it! Tears ran down my face at first because, for some time, I thought I would never get past the depression and be motivated to take it up again. There’s more, but for now I’m living the gentle life, and looking for a good-fit therapist who can work with me on the abuse and stress issues of my recent past (and who takes my health insurance). With that said, it has been CL and CN that provided a lifeboat (and compass) I needed to help navigate and ride through the storm. Your timing was impeccable, and your insight, compassion and humor extremely healing. I will continue to be forever grateful. Hugs to all of you!!!

  • After:

    being cheated on after 17 years together, 13 of those married, and three children;
    my ex married the OW and moved her and her kids into my former marital home,
    watching them prance about school events together because they like to put on “the show”;
    feeling abandoned, betrayed, overwhelmed, all alone, and totally screwed…

    I finally achieved “meh.” I’m a passionate, part-Sicilian type who holds grudges and scorns those who are disloyal. This is pretty huge for me! 🙂

    • EnoughAlready – I had a full body skin cancer screening last week with a dermatologist. Colonoscopy is scheduled for this Monday morning! Woo hoo!!!!

    • What a cruel and hideous thing to do to his kids.moving there replacements into old family home.that is one f***ed up man.So pleased you’ve moved on.trying to get there myself.i can identify with that fiesty scorned women.But looking at his miserable,bitter face is revenge enough for me.stay strong lil lady x

  • I have gotten all my ducks lined up,and separated out most of the material items that I care about.Pics taken of everything in the house, and all necessary paperwork has been copied. All the adultery evidence is copied and backed up 3 times. Money is being put aside. A friend has hooked me up with a free consultation with a lawyer. I have made it appear that all is well,and that I have accepted all her lies and gaslighting. I continue to monitor the affair through her computer and phone,collecting more evidence.I’m also doing many fun things I haven’t done for years,and it feels GREAT! The real beauty of it is that my cheater hasn’t got a clue. I can’t wait till I have enough cash to drop the bomb on her,it will be SWEET! One more thought… I am totally mighty because I carried the bread winning and the yard and housework for years with hardly any help from her at all. I AM GOOD!! Thanks to you Chump Nation,I would never have got to this point without this blog.

  • I sometimes still feel gutted by the so-called love of my life impregnating his skanky co-worker, but 95% of the time my life looks like this:

    • My home is relaxed and clean. My OCD is gone. I no longer am hoarding coupons, worrying about picking up after ungrateful slobs or their ill-mannered pets. My dog has had exactly one accident since they left a year ago- it used to be a daily occurrence.

    • Six rooms of my home (kitchen, den, laundry, both bathrooms, office) have been remodeled by my ten year old daughter and me. Yes, a ten year old girl and a 45 year old lady replaced subfloor, did plumbing, installed wood floors, painted, installed new range hoods and appliances. I redecorated my bedroom as well.

    • I have lost fifty pounds and kept it off since November.

    • I received a promotion to Executive at work and a raise to match.

    • I have been asked to travel to Colorado, Texas, Indiana and California for work and managed to meet up with old friends and friend chumps while having a blast with my coworkers. My ex welcomed an illegitimate child conceived by adultery with his coworker. Twu Wuv lasted three months, and he gets to pay her child support till he is 66. Between this and his high interest car payment, he must now live on a remainder less than 900.00 a month. Well done me!

    • Work has offered to pay my tuition to complete a nursing degree.

    • I bought the small SUV of my dreams at an excellent interest rate- in November we will head to Florida to reclaim Disney and Universal Studios free of Cheater Taint. Then we’ll mosey to Miami for a four day cruise to Mexico. Cheater will cruise to the corner to buy diapers.

    • I am having some interesting and entertaining dating adventures when daughter is with dad. (Not the Cheater)

    • My daughter and I are very close and we have fun every single day rather than dealing with dopey and mopey and their constant complaints.

    On balance, yeah! I’m actually glad he never wanted to patch things up!

    • This is my favorite list. I am lovin it! This is where I want to be a year from now (especially the vacations with my kids which Handout Boy ruined for us).

    • Truelly awesome luzia a.you and your daughter are immense.its so liberating to ‘reclaim’ house.youve done it in a mighty style similar to me.im a nurse to and I can tell you now that with your life skills and tenacity you will be an asset to whatever area you practice in.if your like me and full of empathy and drive ED will be the place for you.good on you girl.what a role model for your daughter.stay strong sister x

  • It took two years, but FINALLY I’m signing a settlement agreement on Tuesday. The divorce will follow as soon as humanly possible, and part of the agreement is that marital breakdown will be proven on the basis of an affidavit by STBX admitting of adultery.

  • I have survived the complete abandonment of me and my children by my ex-cheater, after 25 years of marriage. I overcame the bewilderment of having a husband I thought adored me just turn overnight into a cold monster with dead eyes, and walk away without a second thought after he realized the gig was up Since then, I raised and supported those children alone, kicked ass at my work, re-mortgaged the house to my name, and re-married last year–to a wonderful, non-sparkly, emotionally mature man, what a difference! 🙂

    I have gone through the swirling “stages” of grief over and over, the ebb and flow of meh (for me at least), and the knowledge that any contact or information about ex will hurt me immensely, and I now am strong enough to scrupulously avoid all potential contact. I survived ex marrying one of his long-term AP’s last weekend (after getting engaged with a ring paid for by the part of my profit sharing plan my ex took in the divorce). It still galls me that they get to go on as if they are just fabulous, despite the fact that they cruelly destroyed two families and profoundly hurt 5 children–but I will overcome that as well. None of my children attended, nor do they even speak to their father.

    I have learned about narcissists and sociopaths and their victims, and I now know to ALWAYS trust my gut in whatever I do. I also learned that I am smarter and stronger than I ever thought possible. I have accepted that there may always be a level of hurt and stunned disbelief about what my ex did, and I still go on. I know the karma bus will never hit them when I am looking, and I have stopped waiting to witness that collision.

    I am loved by my (new) husband and children, and I love them deeply. My children think I rock.

    And when I wobble on occasion still, I continue to put one foot in front of the other, especially with the help of Tracy and Chump Nation.

    • My sentiments exactly and so eloquently put.i wish I could take my eye off the karma bus however!! The thoughts are still obsessive despite doing well with remodelling my life.its only 13 months post d day however,so little steps.you should be so proud.it may not be politically correct to say but you’re lucky the kids have turned there back on him.such a massive ball ache x
      R

      • Thanks Goodbye, I’m almost 4 years down the road, so a bit ahead of you on the journey. My awesome new hubby (who was also a chump in his first marriage), told me early on: “you can’t believe how time will heal, but it will.” And it does, but for me it is bit by bit, 3 steps forward and 2 back, but then you realize that that is still moving forward,

        And yes, ex cheater really did not try hard at all but all 3 of my children have decided they want nothing to do with him (particularly after it became clear he was going to be with one of his AP’s). As my daughter said, “we’ve realized, Mom, that he will perpetually disappoint us. My father is dead…there is a man out there who looks like him but that is not my dad and I am just going to have to find a way to deal with that.” I also know that this makes my life so much easier because no contact is a breeze.

        Best wishes to you on your journey, you WILL survive and thrive. All of these stories have brought tears to my eyes and made me so proud of us chumps.

  • Hey, my own personal mightiness report. I’M DONE WRITING!

    Final word count 55, 461. (Which I’m sure will change. Not including front matter.)

  • Divorce was finalized the day after Xmas 2014.
    Refinanced my house to MY NAME ONLY on February 26, 2015.
    Fell off a ladder taking down a chandelier and shattered both heel bones on March 1, 2015.
    Surgery, 5 screws in each foot, April 1, 2015.

    I’ve been bedridden for 3 months, and learning how to walk in a walker. Each step is excruciating.

    My coping skills gas tank is officially running on fumes, and many times lately I want to give up, but I am FUCKING MIGHTY.

    • Lunachick – I’m so sorry for you that sounds so very painful! You are strong and you will get there – thanks for sharing and just know you are mighty and you are not alone!

      • Thank you for your reply, Kimberly! It means a lot. It’s been a rough ROUGH 2+ years, but I know that everyone goes through rough times, so I am trying my best to stay positive and hang in there, but boy oh boy, I feel like wheelchairing myself into the ocean with my eyes open. Having a broken heart AND heel bones is really not fun!

        Thanks again, and we are both strong because we are here on this site supporting one another. 🙂

        • Geez Lunachick, I’m cringing thinking about the pain you must be in, think positive as hard as it is to do because you will heal if you take good care of yourself. I Will say some prayers for a quick healing on my end for you too. Stay Mighty! This to will pass. (((hugs)))

          • Thank you, Kate50, for praying for me, just a stranger on the Internet. I need all the help I can get! 🙂

        • Lunachick,just how immense can one women be.OMG how testing a time have you had.what an inspiration.im sure your bones will heal quicker than your heart…… Because unlike the souless bastard who left you to fall from the chandelier youres beats !! You are flourishing girl….. On wheels or not!! X

      • Thanks CL, means a lot. Thankfully I am off bedrest, I was bedridden from March through June, so that ended, thankfully. But now it’s learning how to walk, and oyyyyy the pain. But as you said before, this ain’t the Pain Olympics, we’ve all been through some shit and came out on the other side. I just hope I come out quickly! Someone told me that HOPE stands for “hang on, pain ends.” I like that! Thanks again. 🙂

        • I just realized I put “I’ve been bedridden for 3 months” I should have said “I WAS bedridden.” Jeez Lunachick! 😛

          • Lunachick I just cringed reading your fall. You are SOOOOOO mighty working your way through bedridden. I am not sure I could have done that on top of being emotionally destroyed. Hang on dear one…hugs from BA

            • Thanks for the hugs BA, any hugs hold me up right now. 🙂 Of course there’s never a good time to suffer an injury like this, but so soon after the divorce, arrrrgh! Literally I had ONE DAY to go “yay I am putting this all behind me now” and then I fell. I just have to keep telling myself it can always be worse. I love reading how mighty we all are. 🙂

              • When I was going through my divorce and for a couple years after NOTHING went right, for me or the kids. It was just one*fucking*thing after the other. I was forced to take a month off work after emergency surgery and sat there thinking the sky was falling in and feeling a little sorry for myself. Funny thing though, anything is better than living with the disordered–and it was probably the universe’s wake up call for me 🙂 –so I told myself to hang in there, that things could only grow better. And they have. So hang in, LunaChick, pretend you are on vacation, and if possible, go swimming. It is a great exercise to strengthen your entire body. And hopefully easier on those heels.

              • Hi Drew, thank you for your kind words. I have been swimming, and yes swimming is absolutely awesome for me. It’s the closest to normal for me right now. I go swimming once a week at PT and then I will start swimming more on the weekends at my parents because they have a pool. Luckily Sacramento gets super hot in the summer so now is the time to enjoy it. 🙂

                I felt the same way you did, like nothing went right after the divorce, which obviously makes it all worse. But you’re absolutely right, it’s much better to deal with this alone than to be alone with someone else who would just be mad that he would have to take care of me. Fuck that noise.

          • Lunachick–after you are walking again for awhile, if you find yourself limping, make sure you get PT for limp reduction. I ruptured my achilles in the middle of marital chaos and has a DVT, I didn’t walk out of my house for 3 months….I feel your pain. It gets better. Big hugs!

            • Thank you, OutWest. I’ve been in physical therapy since June 8 and I have made progress but I have a ways to go still. My bones have healed which is great but holy mother does walking SUCK right now. Ohhh ouch, yes my achilles is not too happy with me either, so I definitely feel your pain. Glad to know it got better for you. Thanks for the hugs!

  • Five years out from D-day and 2.5 years out from divorce – I fully support myself and my kids and have fixed the finances ex so royally f’d up. Remodeled master bath right after dday due to issues that came up in home inspection. Bought ex out of house and mortgage is back down to pre-dday level. Remodeled kitchen, dining, living room last fall and LOVE that it is totally to my tastes, downstairs bath and laundry room will be early next year. Never would have had the funds if ex was still around spending every dime I made. Took kids to Alaska on a cruise – wonderful time as raging ex was not along to spoil it.

    Working on me, lost 30 pounds and am joining a gym tomorrow (first of the moth).

    Next up, dating. I think I am ready as my confidence is coming back – but not sure how to find the right guy. Any advice?

    Good luck tonight Michael

  • I started reading Chump Lady 2 years ago in the darkness of D-Day ( I don’t remember how I made it to work). Since the day I took my life back the following has happened:

    I realized he wasn’t sparkly
    I filed for divorce
    I started going to counseling
    I refinanced our home into my name only
    I don’t want to throw up anymore when our daughter goes to his and the OW’s home
    I no longer care what he thinks, I literally laugh out loud when he lashes out because he doesn’t get his way
    I no longer need or want an apology
    I started dating again
    I started to smile at myself in the mirror
    I started traveling
    I now wake up every morning and I mean every single day and decide to be happy and grateful not another day will ever be wasted again

    I still read Chump Lady every day, I never want to forget what I’ve been through…it’s made me a pretty strong chick 🙂

  • I moved into my own apartment with all of my own belongings…. that I purchased myself!!!!! I got a better paying job….. oh and I applied to GRAD school and got accepted…. oh and it’s in counseling psychology… so I can help other chumps!!!!!! I’ve decided my cheater was dead weight… and without him I am shining brighter than ever before 🙂

  • I love hearing how mighty we all are!! I’ve been reading here but not posting much because I’ve been SO busy leading my new mighty life! I’ve met a real man living a fabulous new life and I’m getting married in April. He’s a zillion times the man the Cheaterpants was. Not even in the same galaxy actually. He’s been a chump too but it was a long time ago and rarely speaks about it. I’ve recently found out that the AP has refused to marry the XH after all these years for some reason and now he has developed scary health problems. Isn’t that something boys and girls? Who would have had thunk that I’m the one that gets to live happily ever after? I never dreamed in a million years that I would be so crazy in love again. And I’m 60!! This man is gorgeous and in great shape. We have more fun standing in line at Costco than most people have on their honeymoons. He truly is the love of my life. I’m sending out good vibrations to all my fellow chumps that it can happen to us all if you want it to and believe it can.

    • Syringa, I could sure use those good vibrations! So happy to hear about your happiness. That’s what I would love – a man that can make standing in line at Costco a fun time after my X made every everyday moment an eye rolling bitch and moan about one thing or another. I’m your same age and just got out of the jungle and suffer from poor prospects, poor me moments. I deserve a relationship that isn’t centered on one of the couple, too. Gone are the days I must contend with Mr. ADD, narc, arrogant, loser! I need to hear more stories like yours.
      Congrats to you both!
      I hope to be able to claim the same someday!

    • Awesome! I’m only 5 months past DDay. I read CL and work on myself daily, forcing myself to move forward. I hope to be able to claim same as well.

      • Thanks all! Would love to invite Chump Nation to the wedding!! I would never have been able to slog through this heart ache without CL and the nation behind me. It took forever for me to get over the heartache and betrayal and without reading here every day I still might be stuck. I still read here every day and my boyfriend will look over my shoulder and ask what’s going on here. I love reading about our mightiness. Congratulations CL on your new book!! I will buy a copy today.

  • I finally moved forward and went to see a lawyer to get a separation agreement. Baby steps, but at least they are steps forward.

  • This is my first mightiness list so it’s small but significant to me:

    -Going back to work after a 4 year hiatus to homeschool my kids and force Handout Boy into the workforce and I’ve had 2 interviews this week and 2 on Monday morning with the same company different departments. When it rains it pours!
    -Growing zucchini, lettuce, and watermelons. Eating your own food is awesome!
    -Doing yardwork with my sons as Cheater boy NEVER showed them how.
    -Had utilities reopened in my name and the old bills were sent to him. Wah, wah, wah…
    -Opened a new bank account for myself and one for each of my kids. That man can NEVER touch my kids money again.
    -Had the title to my paid off car put in my name only. Poor Handout Boy doesn’t have a car.
    -Made decision to move from this 1700+ sq foot house to something that fits my new small family.

    And the best one is saved for last…………..I’ve been TOTALLY 100% NO CONTACT WITH HANDOUT BOY since the day he left.

    • that totally counts!!!! When I first started out on my chump journey I could barely eat and shower let alone make it to work ….

      • Thanks Britney, that’s probably why I haven’t gone postal, I telework! I’m far out from divorce, just having a bad patch lately, no worries, just life.

        • Dat, many of the people I work with seems to have taken stupid pills this week too. I’m chalking it up to the heat and the blue moon (good as explanation as any!) Hope you can spend some time this weekend mellowing out. It’s a long weekend here and you can bet that’s what I’ll be doing.

        • Dat, you are one of the strongest and most positive voices on here. I hope you’ll let us lift you up like you lift us up all the time. Hugs to you, mighty one!

    • It counts more than manythings. I have a hard time holding my tongue. I totally see your mightyness there!

  • It’s a little over a year from D-day and thankfully I found Chumplady within weeks- truly was the life line that I needed. I read every post and comment in those first few months, and saved hundreds of comments and lines to re-read when I was having a rough time. You guys really are incredible, your accomplishments, and your amazing attitudes of unending hope. I did lots of “tasks” this last year, DIY projects (full bathroom tearout/remodel- demo’ed within hours of her getting her shit out of the house), refinanced in only my name, got her to pay for all expenses and then some, used that money as a travel fund, got 60% pay increase since this time last year, joined a soccer league and get my ass kicked 3 times a week by kids 15 years younger than me ;).

    All these things are great, but the absolute best thing is that I feel more like “me” than I have in 10 years.

    I don’t have the generalized anxiety from knowing something is wrong, I don’t have to cater to her every need, I get to go see friends and family without worrying that she is uncomfortable and wants to go home. I don’t get berated for doing or not doing anything. I don’t get constantly nitpicked on every decision I make. I can keep the best piece of the pie for myself, or give it to someone that cares. I can treat myself to things and not get guilt tripped. I am doing the things I love, and I don’t have to apologize for it.

    New chumps, I was completely and utterly devastated one year ago. I didn’t know how to live or be alive without having someone else dictate my every move. Please, I know it’s scary, but take the steps forward. Get your life back. Get “you” back. It’s the best gift you can ever give yourself. A giant thank you to Tracy and the rest of the incredible folks out there.

    • Niddrie: Thanks for your post. I’m where you were a year ago. Devastated. Unfocused. Trying to get a job after many years out of the workforce. Anxiety. Your words help confirm that this will be finite. If I can be sure of that, I think…I think I can survive. Need to know that it’s finite.
      I do need to get my life back. I want your life!