So my husband confessed to pimping me out to random strangers on the Internet in pursuit of sex (for the third time).
A couple of years ago while on vacation, we (mutually) decided to try a threesome. Being bisexual, I admit I enjoyed it, but I KNOW I made it very loud and clear (when he cheated on me the year before and I almost broke up with him) that any and all sexual activity should be mutually agreed on before we engage; in other words, don’t ask random strangers to hook up with us (unless I give the go-ahead) and never, EVER share my name and pictures with random people on the Internet without my prior approval!
Even the minutes leading up to the threesome, I had made it clear that it’s okay only because I was involved in the decision.
So, what did he do with that? Used it to justify banging a hooker when I was 7 months pregnant, on bed rest, while I was desperately texting him because I needed help with our older children.
And yeah, I rolled over and took that like a bitch too when I found out and confronted him because he seemed so apologetic. I just didn’t want to deal with it I suppose.
So what finally, FINALLY sent me into a rage?
He sent pictures of me (again, for the third time since we’ve known each other, without my consent) to random internet people trying to entice them into threesomes I never agreed to.
Fuck it sounds so fucking horrible when I wrote it all out like that. I don’t know how it doesn’t seem “so bad” in the moment.
Anyways, here is his response to my rage, (remember we haven’t had this conversation once, not twice, but three fucking times.)
“I’m sorry. I did stop when you said you weren’t up for it. [By stop he means he stopped sending my pictures to random internet people, he didn’t delete his account or end sifting through other peoples profiles.] I just remember you fantasizing about it when you were drunk and I was just curious at the time. That’s why I did what I did. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I didn’t try to hide it from you if that makes a difference. I told you about it right away. The bottom line is that I didn’t know my actions at the time would make you feel the way you do now. Otherwise I wouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry.”
I am so lost here. I feel like I know him and that he genuinely believes this is an okay response, but what the fuck???!???
Who cares if he thinks it is an “okay response”? Do YOU think it is an okay response? Are you satisfied that he gets it? If you’re writing to me, I don’t think so.
With cheaters everywhere, pay attention to what they do, and pay no attention to what they say. Your husband’s actions are sending you a very clear message — he’s going to get his sexual jollies with other people whether you consent to it or not.
Your letter very clearly demonstrates a point I make time and again, which is that polyamory isn’t a cure for cheating. Just because you’re game and open up your marriage with some rules, doesn’t mean a cheater is going to play by those rules. Cheating is about entitlement. See, the rules don’t apply to Special People. Besides, breaking the rules is what gives cheating that frisson of danger and naughtiness. It’s all part of the high.
Oh, but you’re bi. Oh, but you once enjoyed a threesome. That’s besides the point. The point is CONSENT. Your husband is gaslighting you. He’s acting like you gave consent (because you once did upon a time) when you gave no such consent. This happened three times, he’s acting like him sending pictures out happened once and oops, he didn’t think you’d be upset.
I didn’t know my actions at the time would make you feel the way you do now.
Bullshit. He absolutely knew that his actions would upset you, because you’d been upset before.
Here’s a great video explaining consent. Only substitute “cup of tea” for sex.
Did your husband ask your consent to fuck a hooker while you were on bedrest? Because that’s what every high-risk pregnant woman needs — the threat of STDs. Did he ask your consent to create sexual profiles on your behalf? Because failing to do so is illegal in 23 states, Israel, Germany, and the United Kingdom. (Revenge porn laws don’t just pertain to revenge scenarios. Any deliberate misuse can be a crime.)
Bell, here’s my read on your situation — your husband cheats on you. You respond to that threat by thinking you can contain that threat by joining him in some sexual adventuresomeness. Hey, dude, all you had to do was ask my permission. Instead of being grateful for this gift, he abuses it and moreover uses it as a pretext to continue cheating on you. Hey, if you’ll do a threesome, then you can’t be offended by a hooker!
Your sexual boundary pushing doesn’t mean you have no boundaries. He’s acting dumb, because no boundaries and no conditions is exactly the situation your husband wants. (How do I know this? Because that is the way he behaves.) Trampling your boundaries, no matter how far you stretch them, is part of the fun for him. It’s disrespectful, dangerous, and it’s a huge power trip.
You have every right to be furious that your pictures and identifying information are online thanks to him. This isn’t a small infraction, it’s a huge betrayal, and the fact that you’ve let it ride before shows me just how far this guy has worn down your defenses.
When you’re dealing with this level of entitlement, there is no “agreement” you can forge, no sexual pick me dance you can win, because you’re not dealing with an honest broker. He has no intention of being faithful, and in my opinion your husband gets off on humiliating you. You may have enjoyed the three-way, but if HE enjoyed it, he would’ve played by your rules. It’s the coercion he likes. Creating situations by which you feel compelled to oblige him. Creating situations in which he can use your image in his online sexual fantasies. Fucking a prostitute while you’re sick and vulnerable and telling you about it.
It’s cruel, Bell. There’s no sexual sophistication here. Just narcissistic abuse.
Like the cartoon says, I’d call that divorce lawyer and give him his threesome.