Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Honor Among Cheaters

creepy_cheaterCheaters have a weird moral code. They may have fucked the babysitter in the family van, on the sofa, and on the twirling teacups at Disney World, but if you ask: “Did you screw her in our bed?” The answer is: “What? Do you think I’m some sort of monster?!”

Far be it for us to think cheaters unchivalrous or unkind. Some profess they were thinking of us all the time.

Take Bill Cosby — the guy drugs women for his sexual jollies. But in his deposition he wants it to be clear it’s not as serious as intercourse.

Expounding on his philosophy about sex, Mr. Cosby said he tended to refrain from intercourse because he did not want women to fall in love with him. To him, he said, the act of sexual intercourse “is something that I feel the woman will succumb to more of a romance and more of a feeling, not love, but it’s deeper than a playful situation.”

Yes, people might fall in love with him.

Then there are the bitch cookie moralizers. They want points for not being utterly heinous. My cheater actually said “Hey, I’m not Hitler. I get that you’re upset, but keep it in perspective. It’s not genocide.”

Well, cheater, you absolutely have a point there. You didn’t slaughter 5 million Jews. Have a bitch cookie!

So what was your cheater’s peculiar moral code? Could they not bring themselves to cheat on their affair partners by sleeping with you? Did they go on a fuckfest weekend, but bring you back a nice trinket? Tell me about your considerate cheaters today!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • You will never believe it. My cheaters code was that she didnt have sex with them….only blowjobs in the car in parking lots. Swear its true.

    • Yep, told me she wasn’t having sex with her married OM. However, she answered otherwise in the depositions she wanted.

    • Same. Of course. My stbx told me with a straight face that his affair with Holly was comprised “mostly of lunches.” Even in the midst of my heartbroken, seven-months-pregnant devastation, I had to laugh. Just lunch. Sure!

      • This! The “truthiness” factor and how much they rely on it. Notice the “**mostly** of lunches”, which actually means “we went through the Wendy’s drivethru on our way back from the motel”. And somehow adding “mostly” makes it truthful.

        Mine was full of trickle truths and carefully worded half-truths and technical evasions. Mine told me very early on that he looked at porn every day but he didn’t masturbate while he looked. Gullible chump that I was, I believed this crock of shit, and then on reveal day, he tried it again… “I don’t masturbate while I look at porn!” um, no, you masturbate AFTER you look at porn. Daily. For hours at a time. And hoard it. And hide it on a secret hard drive. And tell me you don’t have as much sex drive as me.

        dickhead.

    • My ex told me he did not have sex while i was on vacation at women’s retreat. He only did it when I was home. So thoughtful…

  • My cheater slept with somebody else when he found out I was pregnant with our first baby. Not only was that the first time since before we were married, but he didn’t cheat again until after our twins were born over 18 months later! He didn’t cheat on me throughout our whole relationship, he says…he took a long break! How can I not give him credit for that?

      • thats true, mine said well i have never cheated on you before (10 years) and its been really stress fully so he would not do it again, so he was my safer bet for a future. as any new person i would not know them and they could cheat, his now with OW, one year from Dday tomorrow and he can fuck right off as i now think he had cheated before but i just never knew

        • Lolo, mine said the same thing Saralou, Like I should be grateful that he hadn’t cheated before! Whoa!!!

          Mine also told me of his honor, “How much he loved me! That I could ask her, she would tell me! She was jealous of me and the love he had for me !!!!”
          What the f***?

      • So, they want credit for time served (e.g. “I did 18 mos. with you and got a weekend pass”)? Maybe it should be called the ass pass.

    • Chumpalicious, mine X said the same thing, cheated the first 7 yrs, and while i was pregnant with our first son together, but took a long break until our 20th anniversary, then went on a romantic cruise with his GF. I didn’t let that notion get far, I did the math for him and told him that he only cheated on me 55% of our marriage, not our whole marriage. that shut that nonsense down quick.

      • Great response, ChumpedtotheMax! Wish I thought of that one a few days ago when my STBX told me that he was faithful the first five years of our marriage. He cheated on me during our engagement and at least half our marriage, but, according to him, he deserves partial credit for the times no f-buddy was available.

    • My cheater fed me that same line of crap. I told him he could go sell crazy some place else! Affairs don’t get started because he was telling everyone how much he loved me. Pish!!!!

    • Yes, apparently, the then-AP (now Owife after I ditched his ass and he needed a soft place to land) didn’t like that he talked about me so much. Wow. I feel so honored that you not only shared your unprotected penis with the both of us, but you also used to speak so well of me to your whore! How sweet! Hallmark needs to make a thank you card for that.

  • He graciously served me breakfast, said we should spend a weekend together in the nearby metro area touring museums. Then as he left the hotel, gave his key to the dude at the desk and said “this is for (insert OW here)”. Yep, he was being courteous; because he didn’t realize I was standing right behind him.

    • Along with, “I never cheated on you physically,” because, of course, those sites for finding cheating wives and other willing women that he had profiles on were accidentally created. And I should believe him because he’s not actually a lying cheaterpants?

      • Oh I hear you!That is the ultimate”I never acted on any of those cheating wife sites” Mmmm well good for him he just screwed woman he found on “regular” singles sites. Kudos to him what a good boy. What is awesome is i am actually laughing at the ridiculous reasoning he played on me. What a joke!

  • My ex got pregnant. She led me to believe it was mine. I agonized with her over keeping the child (we have two), decided to terminate, took her to the clinic, cried with her, mourned with her, nursed her at home. Six months later she told me it was AP’s and said, “He was really mad we terminated it. You see how much I love you? You see what a sacrifice I made for you?” I was staggered, dumbfounded. A few months later I filed. She is now engaged to AP.

    • Abbondad, your X is a fucking monster. I’m just trying to imagine what kind of person is capable of that kind of deceit and, I can’t.

      Glad to her she’s engaged to the AP. That’s like dangling meat in front of the Karma bear.

    • Good lord. Be glad you are rid of that piece of filth Abbondad. I’ve heard a lot of messed up things on these infidelity boards, but that one might take the cake.

    • Yo that woman sounds evil as fuck. Like what. the. hell. You’ve dodged a bullet. She seems like the kinda woman to kill someone and then frame you and say she did framed you for the kids or some shit like that.

      • Sooo lucky Abandondad,what a bitch. She is capable of deceit to everyone even to a unborn child…

        So sorry

    • And later in that same “conversation,” as I humiliatingly STILL continued the pick-me-dance, I tried to convince her (she was at that point grieving the AP for the two weeks she stopped seeing him) that it would not work out with them, that at some point the abortion would come back to haunt them in some way–that she would be too old to have a child with him. She shrieked at me, outraged, “How could you SAY something like that to me?!”

      I kid you not. The episode will be forever burned in my brain. And yes, coparenting with her BPD self is a nightmare.

        • No, I have not told them. They are 8 and 11, then 5 and 7. Five months before divorce was final she moved them into AP’s place, four weeks after they met him. It’s been hell over there ever since as they don’t like AP (no kids of his own, younger, never married) and he dislikes my kids.

          They have begged her to leave him, begged her to move out–and above all, not to marry him. She promised she wouldn’t, and now is engaged. My son then begged her not to have a baby. She assured him she wouldn’t. I predict that she will. Oh and four weeks before she became engaged (reported to me by my youngest in a phone call: “Daddy, terrible news: mommy is marrying AP”) XW cried to me on the phone that she still loves me, misses me, blah blah blah.

          Truly a disordered person. And now is petitioning for CS modification to zero (she pays me). And of course everything, simply everything, is my fault.

  • Absolutely brilliant. Especially since I asked my cheating wife if she had sex in our bed and her exact response was “Oh God no! What kind of person do you think I am?”

    • Ha! Mine too “I’d never bring her into our home, what sort of person do you think I am?” Er a pathological liar and a cheat, And the OW? …he told me “she never wanted to move in to the house, she always said it was your home and she wound never do that”….(we have a million dollar, beautiful house – oh yes she would) …just sleep all over town with my husband, but never my home. They are two of a kind. Cheaters. All the sad sad same.
      Ps it’s my fault now as I won’t give him a 6th chance…..my fault.

      • I’m a techie and analytical guy so I had to break down her bullshit and get it clarified. I said “So let me get this straight. You’ll shit on our 28 years together, you’ll screw this person in his and his wife’s (her good friend) marital bed, but you wouldn’t screw him in our bed??? THAT’S where you drew the line??!!??” Her response. “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.”

        • It’s like they all have the same “rule” book or something like that. Every reply I have read on here and other comments on this site is what the ex said or did. Then they get married to the AP and the AP for some reason doesn’t see that it will most likely happen to them. It’s mind boggling.

            • When I moved out and bought a new home, the ex-wife offered the sheets from our marital bed. When I declined her gracious house warming gift, I told her I didn’t care to take sheets that she likely screwed her tennis pro on. She was of course deeply offended that I could even think she was capable of such an act and retracted the previously agreed upon love seat and couch ( we had two other sets) A few weeks later when I came with the Uhaul to pick up my stuff, she told me she had a change of heart and I could take the couch. She even gave me my favorite cotton throw blanket which was folded neatly on the couch. I was somewhat touched by her new found generosity until I unloaded the couch at my new place. I discovered the family dog had chewed a big hole in the throw as well as left a large piss stain on the middle couch cushion. At least I hope it was the dog, the ex was an alcoholic and often blacked out on the couch…

      • The more I relive these gems the madder it makes me. “This had nothing to do with us. It was a stupid thing I did but shouldn’t be the end of us.” “You would throw away our marriage after everything we’ve been through? How could you do that?” How could I do that??? Really??? “I never for a second stopped loving you. What I did had nothing to do with love. I’m your wife and only your wife.”

        • Houstondad…..that’s the same (male) script I got. Almost word for word…..plus “I was fighting for you and I wanted you all year – how did you not see that ?! “(the year he was having his affair, lying to me saying it was over and carrying right on)… And “you abandoned me “(after 5 d-days / 5 chances yes I did sad chump that I was).

          Your ex sounds completely crazy and cruel. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but glad you got out. New life 🙂

        • I’ll never understand how finding my back bone and standing up for myself and filing for divorce after all the abuse got me the same “How could you do that?” At this point it make me laugh.

          • Alloutofkibble,
            Isn’t it amazing how these freaks do that? I got the same thing with Fuckwit:
            “How dare you file for divorce?”
            “Doesn’t our marriage mean anything to you?”
            “The kids will have a broken home!”
            “This has damaged me so much”.

            WTF…Seriously? I would just sit there speechless & dumbfounded at his ridiculousness. It goes to show that he’s so disordered and fucked in the head, that he can’t see how ANY of this is due to HIS behavior.

            • Oh yes- here’s some gems!
              How could you throw away our life together?
              It’s not what you think, ‘A lot of the accusations aren’t true.’ (total serial cheater, for 30 yrs).
              And one of my faves: I’ll write and mail all the ‘I’m Sorry’ letters for you!

      • Mine didn’t.

        I walked in the bedroom and said, “What in the world is that awful smell??”
        Cheater: “What do you mean? What smell? I don’t smell anything! What does it smell like?”
        Me: “Ass.” (I can’t believe that it never occurred to me what the cause could be. But it never crossed my mind. I just was astonished by the fact that he always, always smells great to me, even without a shower, and those sheets were just wrong. After D day I realized that it was her.

        But you should have seen the startled look on his face when I said they smelled like ass. He visibly jumped and then grabbed the sheets and took them to the laundry.

        • He brought her into our bed about 15 times, as near as I can figure. And he suddenly became obsessed with laundering those sheets. I thought it was because I had hurt his feelings with my candid comment.

  • Moral code? Mine doesn’t have one IMO – but when I was in the early stages, I went through and identified at least 9 times that I caught him cheating and he told me “It wasn’t that much”… I guess that’s the extent of it. Shame on chump me for putting up with it so long. I wish I would have found CL back then – and that I had more respect for myself.

    • The first time my EX cheated he would awake in the middle of the night and leave the house! I awoke one night and asked him what he was doing? He replied I have to go to my mothers house to get a soda! I said we have soda in the fridge ….it’s 2:00 AM! He insisted he had to have grape soda and drive 3 miles to his mother’s house! This kept up despite the fact I kept adding different selections of soda in the fridge for him! Finally I awoke and insisted on going to his mother’s house for cream soda! His mother and father were shocked that we drive to thier house at 2:30 AM! He was busted and I was chumpef????

        • Doesn’t this just go to show how utterly dumb these cheaters are? I would never cheat on anyone, even before I was chumped I had an incredibly low opinion of infidelity and the morons who partake in it, but if I WAS that way inclined I would be smart about it. But the people who cheat are not smart, judging by some of these replies it would appear that they don’t have two decent braincells to rub together! And it shows just how little respect they have for their spouses that they can’t even come up with a better story than ‘I need to go to my Mother’s house for soda’!!! They genuinely expect you to believe that shit! So for all the chumps who comment ‘I wish I’d found CL sooner/I wish I’d found my self respect sooner/etc’ don’t worry, you’ve found it now and it pleases me greatly to know that we are all FREE. If the saying ‘you are who you hang out with’ is true then I’m glad we escaped before we turned into brainless puddles of delusion like our Cheaters!! ?

          • This reminds me of another one – I found baby wipes in his car…when confronted about it (I mean, why would a grown man keep baby wipes in his car?) – his response? “I keep them there to wipe my armpits with.” I’m sorry, isn’t that what deodorant is for?

        • If he doesn’t get his favorite soda, he’ll be forced to have sex with strange. I mean, that’s to be expected for anybody right? You should see the orgies here at my work when the machine runs out of diet Dr pepper

      • Gail – am I right in thinking he went over to his parents for soda with you? That’s hilarious – I can well imagine the little cogs in his head were whirring frantically trying to come up with excuses to tell his folks, what he was going to say to manage things if you asked if he kept coming over at that time of night, what he would do if mum didn’t have any soda, or didn’t have any flavours different from the ones you already had in the fridge.

        I’m sure it wasn’t very funny for you at the time – but Good Lord, he must have been sh*tting himself! – which, let’s face it – is really really funny!

  • After FINALLY admitting that she had actually been cheating with OM and had lied to me when confronted about it months prior, my (now) ex-wife wanted me to know that was not why she was divorcing me. I guess she had made peace with herself over it really being not that big of a deal. Ha!

    • Another gem…in that confrontation with my (now) ex-wife, who happens to be a marriage counselor, she claimed the OM had no impact or bearing on our marriage issues. Figure that cheater logic out!

      • I got that too, DM. He told our son that OW had nothing to do with breaking up our marriage. He was defending her honor.

        I made sure to let my son read the 4 page manifesto I found where my ex detailed his plans to break up her family and have her to himself. Here’s a little excerpt from it:

        People I love:

        1. OW (I ADORE HER!)
        2. Our oldest son
        3. Our youngest son
        4. OW’s oldest child
        5. OW’s youngest child

        Then went on to list his parents and siblings. No mention of OW’s husband. LOL.

      • DM, I got that same statement, that the OWs had nothing to do with ex’s decision to not be married anymore. Funny, if he was so miserable for the entire 20 years as he claimed on Dday, then why was it only when he started fucking other people that it was suddenly so urgent for him to leave?

        • This! Got the same crap from my stbxw.

          Her: “I’ve already mourned this relationship.”

          Me: “So… That makes lying to your family and screwing the town philanderer okay? Isn’t that last part supposed to happen **after** divorcing???”

      • Oh yes– we had supposedly “stopped communicating” and were “more like friends” than a married couple. These were things the ex-cheater told our children in the early days of their finding out that he cheated. It truly had nothing to do with his cheating. It’s because we didn’t understand each other. Yes, I guess that’s true– you didn’t understand me the first time when I said that I would divorce you if you ever cheated on me!

    • I got that one as well. “We are divorcing because we grew apart.” No one told me, I don’t remember having that discussion that we no longer had similar interests, like friends (one the AP), kids, games.

      • I was told that I’m short-sighted if I don’t see the reasons that I contributed to the ending of our marriage. What? That I was loyal, honest, took care of our children (when he was and wasn’t sleeping with his lady friend), worked full-time so he could go to school for full-time (for FIVE years – and he’s still not finished. He’s 36), took care of our home, and occasionally got pissed off when he wouldn’t take the garbage out, help with the kids, cook, clean, and recklessly spent money? Got it. I will do better next time.

        • I was going to post something but I don’t need to. You said it, WhatJustHappened. Same here, basically, if you replace school with a couple of other super expensive and useless hobbies that I needed to $upport him through.

        • With your best friend?!? That really sucks. I think it’s worse to get chumped by two people you cared about and trusted. You are supposed to be able to go to your best friend about your wife’s cheating.

          • I went to my best friend and confided that I suspected he was cheating on me. Her answer? Men are such slime balls. And, guess who he was having the affair with? Bitch!

            • I did the same thing Shechump. Found out about next affair and called my (ex) best friend for support. What I didn’t know was she had just ended her affair with him a month before he started up with the Shmoopie I discovered. I guess she wanted “proof” because she told me to forward mr. wonderful and AP’s emails to eat other that I discovered. She didn’t “trust” me I guess. (Ex) best friend had no intention of telling me but I guess she got jealous and confirmed previous affair with mr. wonderful when I asked her (because I suspected). She was a Jesuscheater and accused her then husband of physical abuse (lies) so she could get out of her marriage untarnished and marry a pastor/professor high up in the church. Needless to say, I don’t attend that church anymore.

            • My stbxh had an affair with my best friend too. It is the worst imaginable pain. Nothing makes sense and all you feel is numb. How could two people that you would literally die for…betray you? Something in them should have stopped them. They were not drunk and it was a planned….planned!! They lied for 5 years to my face about it because they didn’t want to hurt me. What does that even mean? If they didn’t want to hurt me then don’t do it…they didn’t have to do it. They have free will and a conscious to say no. Unfortunately they had an opprotunity and they took it. It changed our lives and those of our kids forever. I don’t want a husband or a friend who can’t be loyal and faithful to me. I deserve more and quite frankly would rather be alone then have that kind of toxic waste in my life. I loved myself enough to walk away.

      • I got the ” we grew apart and don’t have sex”! Really? Then there must have been some “other” man screwing me in my bed all unbeknownst to me and the man I sat with night after night having conversations with, going out to dinner, shopping, visiting the kids and grandkids! Just who was that man? In the end at deposition he admitted he had no valid reason! Under oath he said I was a great wife, a wonderful mother and a good lady! Everyone including his attorney was dumbfounded! It was “special”!

        • My XH also said I was his best friend, great wife and we have a wonderful relationship.
          Uh, no I don’t think so now! Dumbass thought we would always be in each others lives.
          I have gone completely NO CONTACT after the divorce one year ago.

      • Oh wow… yep I got this too that “we are going in different directions”… well yes I guess we are yours is called the blonde howorker and mine is my husband (now ex) and my children and “we have nothing in common and have different interests”.. well if he actually spent some time at home, we might be able to do things together instead of his very specialness of leading a single mans life!!

    • I got that line. “It’s not about him.” Well she fooled around with him for at least the past 5 years (that I know of) and even planned with OM to get simultaneous divorces so they could be together. But “it’s not about him.” Oh, ok then.

      • Mine was working on the simultaneous divorce in a couple years thing too, complete with plan to lower his income and acquire more assets in his name. I just stumbled onto the affair before they were ready for me to find out. Can’t wait to tell her husband.

      • So funny they all use the same sad terminology… mine also said our problems “weren’t about her at all”.. they were about “you and me”. “We don’t work”.. after 18 years of marriage, two kids 8 years apart, we all of a sudden “don’t work well together”, “never should have gotten married”, and “have nothing in common”. But it has nothing to do with the slut.

        Yeah, whatever!

        • I got the same. It’s not about her, even though he was apparently involved with her for years under my nose. Also, he said “you’re as unhappy as I am.” Well…come to think of it, him being gone for weeks at a time, barely talking to me and spending no time with me, yep…I felt pretty unhappy about that. But I loved him and thought he was under extreme pressure at work, which is what he told me. I was hoping that once he made it to retirement we could spend time together. *sigh* Way too many years wasted on waiting for someone else to have time for me…

          • Oh yeah, just remembered he also said “we never had anything in common but the kids.” After 36 years of being together..just nothing in common.

          • Me too-“We’ll both be better off” crap. Yeah though, considering the abusive way he’d been treating me during the discard. I still would have appreciated speaking for myself.

            I definitely do not think he’ll be better off. I was a very good wife. Perfect, no, but still damn good to him. No one else is going to put up with his “ways” for as long as I did. I should know better than anyone after living with him for 23 years. And his family….. Good luck to OW on that one.

        • I too got the shared blame routine, especially in the beginning. XH thought this would ignite some form of pick me dance. When the dance didn’t happen the blame was no longer shared it was all my doing. I was so horrible he had to escape by being sexually involved with other guys.

          To recap for those who may not know my story.
          D’day came a week after my son told me he had seen homosexual images on his fathers phone, that resulted in me getting him out of our home. His confession to me was done in front of church elders after he confessed to them of one affair 8 years prior and multiple male partners for oral sex since affair.
          Excuses given, curiosity, intrigue, initially stated it had nothing to do with me.
          Later after no signs of a pick me dance, I have issues to work through and so do you, he was possessed by an unclean sexual spirit of which he was delivered, he was abused by me during our marriage and the most recent he didn’t cheat, it was all a lie he made up just to get away from me because I wouldn’t divorce him.
          So desperate to get away.
          That would be why I filed for divorce. And he has been stalling the separation of our property for the past 8 months.

          • Thankful-
            And I’m sure you also got the “but I’m NOT gay” story.
            My story is similar and completely relates to this post…mine had the high moral code to “only cheat with men” because “it is less of a betrayal than other women would be”
            Oh, THANK YOU SO MUCH, Im really relieved that when you cheat it is ONLY with strangers you found on Craigslist who post photos of themselves spreading their ass cheeks. I feel honored.
            And sure, I totally buy that you are not gay at all, you are just thinking of what’s best for me.

            • Yep, refused to admit he is gay. From the moment I was told what he was doing he stated no one needed to know because it was all in his past. The later knowledge that he was with someone three weeks before d’day. Really supported the, its in my past concept.
              The fact that you can be gay in my old church as long as you act strait really works for my XH because before we were formally divorced he got himself another family to use as a cover. He makes sure that everyone sees him out with his new gf and her kids playing the happy straight family man.

      • Yeah it’s never about the OP lost2015. It’s about all of our power and how we made them have an affair. I swear to God there is some sort of cheater SOP out there. They literally all say the same thing; there is nothing even remotely original about any of them and they all share the same two brain cells!

    • YUP! Our divorce had NOTHING to do with the whore! I was told once during one of his rages “Fuck the emotional shit I put you through the last year (while he was cheating)! What about the way you treat me now (as in now that he left me, we are divorced and douchebag is openly dating the HOmewrecker/HOworker). That is worse than anything I ever did to you”. I’ve now been called “abusive” because of my “harsh” treatment of him and my refusal to be friends with him because it is what is “best for our son”. Hmmm… where was that logic during the last year asshole!?!?! He actually swore on our sons life TWICE that he wasn’t talking to her anymore. BOTH TIMES LIES! He recently swore on his grandmothers grave about something- I don’t even remember- and I kindly (not really) reminded him of the times he swore on our son and was lying so that GRAND STATEMENT doesn’t mean shit to me. We are in the process of selling the home we shared and I go on vacation for a week in a few days. I have sole possession of the house until it sells so I am changing the locks because him and his whore still both live with their parents and I am not gonna have my house their little love den to play house in for a week. He was LIVID when I told him I would give him a new key when I returned from vacation so he can continue to move out his things. He actually tried to justify it that the whore would NEVER want to be in the home we shared anyways because she would be uncomfortable. OH OK! That makes sense! She will screw my husband for a year at his work, in his car next to my sons carseat, at his parents house (in the room he shares with my son when he comes there)… but not MY house. Riiight….

      • Yeah, my STBXH swore on both of our children’s lives about the Troll Hobbit Howorker and their “friendship”. That infuriates me more than anything. Especially since he tries to act like he’s Father of the Year. Meanwhile, he quit his job after things came to a halt with HoWorker bc “he didn’t want to be in proximity to someone like that”. It’s been a year and a half of him being essentially jobless (tried selling insurance but one has to be ambitious to succeed at that). He sees our 8 & 4 year old every other weekend and his parents foot the bill for whatever he does with them. He gives nothing towards their daycare expenses or basic living expenses, yet figured out a way to take a vacation last weekend (and missed his weekend with the kids). He also lied to me (surprise surprise) about how badly the insurance sales was going and cancelled the kids health insurance without telling me. I found out from their pediatrician office. Such a peachy dad!
        He likes to go on & on about how I’m not “there” for the kids. Ummm…I have a full time job, yes; however, I bathe them, feed them, and put them to bed every night. I also pay for everything, including 100% daycare AND health insurance that I had to scramble to get for them. My word, what a terrible mother I am!
        These disordered deviants need to be sent to an island where they can’t bother us anymore.

      • Jesus – don’t give him a key ever! Who knows what he’ll do when you’re not around? He’ll probably take all of your stuff too! Or fuck his whore when you’re not around.
        He wants his stuff, he can do it when its out on the front porch. Or when you’re at home and watching what he takes.

  • My xh, who took great pride in NEVER taking off his wedding ring, told me “at least I took off my ring,” Thanks so much, asshole, for not subjecting the ring to so much immoral behavior!!!

    • ….mine told me he took of his ring as ow had asked him. “It’s not right to be out together with it on”…..she felt people would notice (she isn’t married). Words fail me.

      • Mine would take his wedding ring off and wear the silver one she gave him ….because they wanted to be married. Hello? If you want to be married to her, you have to stop the false reconciliation with me. *face/Palm*

      • It’s not right for him to be “out” with the ring on, but it’s perfectly okay to f*%k someone else’s husband? Words would fail me too. It makes you wonder if they even hear the words that come out of their mouth when they speak.

        I think I actually asked the exhole that once or twice but I can’t even remember why. I had many slack jawed moments during our three years of false recon.

      • Ha! Mine slipped his wedding ring off every day and put it in his ash tray before going into work to meet his ho worker, because you know, he wasn’t ‘really married’ then.

        • Mine stopped wearing his ring around the time OW started working for him. He told me it got in the way of his work. I thought that was strange because he seemed to wear his other ring which was much bigger…

        • Mine was proud that he never took his ring off. And supposedly he told her that I will always be the love of his life.
          He is still wearing his ring.
          I’m not.

          • Mine put a new twist on the wedding ring thing. He used it as one of the “reasons our marriage was over anyway so he should have an affair.”

            The whole family was out raking leaves one fall. His wedding ring had gotten kind of warped over the years from working in a power plant and while we were raking, it fell off his hand.

            He was pretty distraught so we all dropped what we were doing and scoured our front yard for his ring. We did this for HOURS until it got dark and then we went outside and looked for it some more the next day. We never found it.

            He was pretty upset about it (it was a couple years before his affair) and I actually felt bad for him.

            Fast forward to a couple years later. I didn’t throw a hissy fit that he didn’t go out and purchase another wedding so that meant i didn’t love him; hence our marriage was over anyway; so he should have an affair??

            Yes, I guess I should’ve thrown a temper tantrum at that time because I’m sure that would’ve won him over.It actually did bother me that he never offered to buy another one but I thought I was actually cutting him some slack because he felt bad about losing the ring to begin with.

            Just goes to show you there is absolutely nothing you can do for these losers that will ever make them happy. That’s why your mantra as soon as you find out about an affair is to Trust that they Suck!

            • They hold nothing sacred but they act like the wedding ring has fucking super powers.
              When I was pregnant with all three of our kids my hands became swollen and my rings didn’t fit. XH would get all upset, ” you don’t have your rings on, are you not married today???” Next thing I knew he would take off one of his bands and give it to me to put on. On one Occassion he demanded. He had three bands an engagement with a diamond and two sapphires and his wedding band was split in two to sit either side ( I know red flag)
              His bands were stolen during an assault two years before d’day and just before d’day I was planning to have them replaced. To my shock on d’day I learnt they were stolen by some he had blown first. I now think his being hit in the head with a skate board in the process was karma.

      • My ex stopped wearing his ring after Dday, then put it on during our reconciliation, then took it off when reconciliation ended, then put it back on and wore it for another several months while our divorce progressed. He claimed this was to remind him that he was married to me and could not have sex with others during the divorce proceedings, LOL! He sure didn’t worry about that during all the years of our marriage!

        • One morning, my STBX told me that his AP gave him sex five, six, seven times a week. He then demanded that I sign away half our assets that morning. When I refused, he dramatically threw his ring on our bedroom floor. Now, a year later and after multiple hearings because he refuses to settle out of court as he is opposed to paying anywhere close to a reasonable amount of child support, he says I need to grow up. Condescending, disordered cheater.

    • All of these responses today are making all the red flags throughout the past 10 years come flooding back…mine went through not one, not two, but THREE wedding rings. The first two ‘slipped off his finger’ and the last was misplaced by one of the kids. I call bullshit.

      • Mine faulted me saying, “At least I didn’t take off my wedding ring.” My response, “My original wedding ring no longer fit and he would not buy me another or have it sized, so I bought myself another.” What is the deal with them? At least I was not screwing home wrecker/howorker with my ring on!

        • Mine told the whore early on that he quit wearing his wedding ring because he “didn’t feel married anymore!” But he told me he had lost weight and it didn’t fit and “fell off” a lot! Pfft! Apparently!

      • The Case of the Disappearing Wedding Ring. My ex had that, too. Funny, I never seemed to have that problem.

  • My cheater deserves a HUGE cookie because he would never ever stoop so low as to pay for sex and he stopped going on traditional dating sites and dates only a few months after starting that. Nope, he limited himself to the universe of people desperate enough to solicit sex from random strangers, maybe-murderers, from online sex sites and hookup apps and he sometimes rented rooms in sleazy by the hour motels because that’s way way better than prostitutes and because he loved me and our relationship so much that he didn’t feel like trying to pretend that he actually wanted dating or a relationship with someone else.

  • Besides “we only had sex eight times and it was really vanilla” and the “this really puts our problems from earlier in the marriage into perspective” I also got “one day you may thank her for giving you this chance to talk about what we (hah!) really want”. My favorite was his defense of her morals when I asked him if he’d ever brought her to the house: ” oh no she would never disrespect you like that!”

      • Aww gee, it was “only” 8 times! But the fact that it was vanilla, and not some crazy chains-whips-wax on nipples while dressed like Baby Huey type of romps…sheesh, you should thank your lucky stars! Such a commited partner!

        Wow, it’s truly astounding how a cheater’s brain (or lack thereof) operates.

  • Didn’t sleep with her on our bed?! Pah!! He took great pleasure in telling me he had slept with THEM in our bed. And told me whilst we were having sex that he’d been cheating on me as he thought id find it kinky!!
    When he did finally ‘Come Clean’ I got wow that’s been a huge burden to carry around so glad its off my chest. Then after promising never to do it again, to change, to get a job and stop being a down right bully he just carried right on doing it all….
    Im free! LOL

  • My X swore he never told anyone he loved them but me, which i don’t believe, and confronted me (months after a i filed for divorce and kicked him out) while i stood in a grocery store with a male (who I was not sleeping with) and told the whole store i was an adulteress and what i was doing (divorcing him) was far worse than what he ever did to me (cheater, abuser, liar etc) His code is very different than mine.

  • The fuckwit told me “I wasn’t even attracted to her” and “she’s not an interesting person” as well as, “We didn’t have sex, I couldn’t keep it up to get the condom on because I just wasn’t into it, I wanted you”
    Really? Oh that makes it better! Didn’t stop him from kissing, fingering, and eating her out. Not to mention all the times you took her out using our joint bank account.
    I’m at a point now where I can imagine him trying like hell to stick that limp, partially rubber-covered excuse for a child’s penis into her bushy twat (yep…I got all sorts of super gross details) and I get a chuckle.
    Because he’s a pathological liar, I highly doubt his story but whatever…the image is all too comical now.

  • Mine was so considerate to tell me that MOW “needs me” to help her through her bad marriage!

    My X is a Minister and he’s all about helping people and darn it all is she wasn’t just a dark hole of need!

    And by the way – you two are the reason she has a bad marriage.

    I think he’s “helped” others along the way during our marriage.

    But I wouldn’t understand – I am selfish like that 🙂

  • “I was true to you when you were having cancer treatments” and “i wasn’t going to leave you”

  • I have several:

    “She´s not my type”

    “That lying is different” (after severely punishing our daughter for a white lie and my reaction in showing how incoherent he was)

    “We never talked about you”

    “She´s a good woman”

    “You shouldn`t judge what goes on in other relationships, there is probably a good reason” (after two of my friends with newborns had been cheated on by their husbands, both colleagues and friends of my cheater)

    “You never give me credit for all the ones that I didn´t cheat on you with”

    “I stopped talking to her when you asked me to”

    “Come on…she was going through her husband cheating on her and I was consoling her..That was only a friendship” (after I discovered some erotic poems dedicated to one of his graduate students who he directed his thesis)

    “I am not a fucking asshole!” (immediately after Dday)

    “There are people who appreciate me and do not think I am scum of the earth like you do” (this is post Dday when he was excited to keep one of our couple´s friends…a single elderly woman who was our wedding godmother, who was a dear friend of mine for twenty years, but ended on siding with him because she was mad that I didn´t forgive him and I ruined the family we were to her)

    • Ah that reminds me of a note I found in my professor husband’s pocket shortly after our second son was born. When I asked him about it he said “there’s a student in one of my classes that has a crush on me. I’m not sure what to do about it.” Funny that he had never mentioned this student until I found the note.

  • Out of the 27 years he was cheating on me, 24 were with men. He told me he wasn’t really having an adulterous affair because it was with men. An affair would have to be him cheating on me with a woman! Then he switched over to women. How thoughtful.

  • My STBXH just texted me this last night “All I’ve ever wanted and loved is you”.

    He also told me that the hooker he was with came on to him, she followed him from outside the hotel where all he did was give her a smoke, to the lobby, into the elevator and to his room. That she was really aggressive and pushed her way into his room. He said it all felt so wrong, he didn’t know what to do. He said it was only a 5 minute BJ with a condom and he couldn’t get hard and it was the worst 5 minutes of his life.
    Then he said her mid section felt like porridge and he was disgusted. He said it’s not who he is that did that.

    I was told about the hooker from the assistant manager that was on the out of town trip with him, that’s how I found out, he denied ever being with her for a month after D-day until I said, was it just a BJ? He nodded Yes. The assistant manager also said the next day after the hooker, my STBXH couldn’t even function he was so tired. This hooker incident took place around 6 PM, so why was he so tired all the next day if it was only 5 minutes?

    The hooker story that happened a week before D-Day, the AP for 4 years just needed counseling from him because she had lots of problems and had no friends. The phone bills show all outgoing calls to her from him. He said she would text him to call her, that’s why he was making all the calls, but the phone number was to her home landline, so how could she text him to call her from that?

    It’s ALL BS!

    • Timid forest creatures. They are helpless in the face of a pushy hooker.

      Poor sausages. How they manage to hold down jobs and put their shoes on the right feet each morning is a mystery.

  • I would get anonymous emails occasionally from somebody telling me about my wife and her COW (I think from another COW, I’m not sure I’ll ever know). Anyway, my wife would get so mad at me when I’d confront her about what they’d say. “Who do you believe? Me or some anonymous emailer who doesn’t have the guts to reveal themselves??!!”

    And I’d give her the benefit of the doubt because I loved her and believed in her.

    Well I figured it all out independently about her affair after that, and guess which one was being more truthful the whole time? My friend the emailer. And yet she’s still offended that I now believe all of those emails over her even after the emails turned out to be accurate and she was proven to be lying to my face all that time. And yet she still says — “How can we try to be in a relationship when you believe some anonymous a-hole over me?”

    Are you kidding me?

    • They don’t possess the character to own up to it. It’s so disappointing.

      The thing is, why would an anonymous person reach out to you for no reason? What do they have to gain from that? You could argue the whistle blower is taking a chance telling you… as most people tend to stay out of these types of things. I think whistleblowers like that are heroic in that way.

      They are liars. Cheats. I’m sorry this has happened to you Lost!

    • I got anonymous phone calls instead of emails. I also fell for the “Who are you going to believe? An anonymous caller or me?” I’d have given anything to have been able to verify what the caller was telling me at the time, but it was long before cell phone records.

  • My cheater had a weird reverse psychology thing going. I guess it’s part of the gaslighting and deflection game he played. During the early going when I was suspicious but had no real proof (other than phone calls to the whore daily which he claimed were just “friends”), he actually said to me “You are lucky I don’t cheat on you”. Lucky??? I didn’t realize luck had anything to do with it. I thought not cheating is what you vowed to do in that church in front of God and all those witnesses????

    Later, when it became clear he was still seeing the whore behind my back (after agreeing to go NC), he continued to make up story after story to cover every one of his stupid tracks. Yeah, those google voice calls were business (on Saturday evening)… yeah that disconnected number that keeps calling him, that’s his office forwarding calls (what company uses a disconnected number to forward calls? And how come after I got wise to it, those calls stopped? I mean, if it’s automatic forwarding.. why would that number stop all of a sudden)? She just called me “that one time” for a business issue. Uh Huh.

    When he finally admitted to seeing the whore all day a few months back, I asked him what they did all day in her apartment if they were “just friends”.. seriously, what married man hangs out with a woman ALL DAY in her apartment? He said “we watched TV”. I realized at that point that he didn’t possess the character or the integrity to come clean to me. All our years, all my loyalty meant absolutely nothing- he couldn’t tell me the truth even now. Couldn’t just admit it.

    So this weekend when I happened upon his ACTIVE match.com account and credit card records that suggest he dropped a MINT at a restaurant near the whore’s apartment, I didn’t even bother confronting him. What’s the point? He’ll just lie. He’s a liar. He’s a fake, and he’s a POS.

    You can’t fix these people, they are morally bankrupt. It’s sad. But you can’t help them. New chumps out there, save yourselves and your kids. Don’t do what many of us did.. the pick me dances, the false reconciliation… SAVE yourselves. Cheaters simply cannot be trusted.

    • It really is so hard to come to terms with everything without the whole truth and without closure. Once I saw the phone bill and knew in my heart he was cheating on me and all the lies from the past sunk in, I confronted him and said that after ten years he could give me the truth. What I got was “How did you find out?” (because WTF does she know???) and “Let’s just say nothing happened until you called it off”. Meaning nothing happened until I broke up with him the week before for all the manipulation and treating me like shit. I had enough proof to know that was not true.

      God, they really can’t ever give us ANYTHING in return, can they?

      • For the longest time I clung to the desperate idea that he would come clean to me, out of respect. Son of a bitch. But he never will. He is putting himself above all others. I hate him.

        • The hate is real. I told him that if he ever loved or cared about me that he could give me the truth (this was pre-CL). His response was “Don’t say that, that’s not fair”. At least I have the answer to whether he ever loved me or not.

        • This. When he lied again after we had split I felt totally disrespected. I mean why? He had a chance for at least a bit of redemption but no, wouldn’t do it. Authenticity would be welcomed.

  • The moral bar for cheaters is so low, they could win a game of Limbo without breaking a sweat.

    AS IF we could “think so badly” of them! Oh, the horrors!

    • THIS!

      I got these:

      “I’m not a bad person!”

      “I’m not ashamed!”

      Then –

      “I guess you’ll tell our daughter what a bad person I am. Fine, whatever makes you feel better!”

      and

      “Why are you leaving these adultery recovery books laying around?!!?? OUr daughter can see them!!!”

      The moral double-standard of ‘it’s not what I did, it’s your reaction’ vs ‘I don’t want anyone to know about this.’

      The world inside of their heads must be pretty bizarre.

      • OMG. I think we were married to the same person. I got every one of those comments this spring. It’s all my fault and how I reacted to it that made him keep screwing the OW. Mine isn’t ashamed either. No remorse at all!

  • Ex’s trump card in my case was that I’d been married before to an abusive alcoholic, so nothing he did could ever be as bad as THAT. To my knowledge, the alcoholic never cheated on me but that has been almost 20 years ago. If he did, there wasn’t the technology for him to get caught that there is today. Of course, the Cheater must have some magic crystal ball to the past because he told me “You do KNOW he cheated on you too, right?” What a stellar Good Guy he is. Always gotta one up everyone else, even a deceased alcoholic. Pathetic.

  • This is probably the hitch that still has real estate in my mind. Slabbo and the Succubus take great pains to tell everyone they know that they never consummated their Epic Three Months of Forever Love until he moved out. Granted, no separation agreement, nothing filed until two months after their fuckfests. Ten thousand inappropriate text messages and smoochy lunches in the two months before, BUT THEY WERE DIGNIFIED AND HONORABLE.

    Of course it fell apart when they actually had to be around each other. The small complication that he impregnated her didn’t seem to bother anyone in their circles. The fact that the due date calculates conception for the baby a full month prior to D-Day, let alone the interminable three weeks I waited for him to move out and he waxed poetic about their perfect love and how “sex isn’t important to us, she makes me feel loved.”

    Let that sink in for a minute. Our marriage was never rocky. I worshipped him. His supposed best friend didn’t even know what was going on. But he unceremoniously dumps his faithful adoring wife for a coworker, impregnates her before I even am aware she exists (because she hid from me in plain sight including blocking me of FB so she could comment and like things without my knowing) and everybody at Huntington Bank is thrilled for their happiness! Both are reprimanded for carrying on during work hours but they both keep their jobs.

    Now I think every child is innocent and a blessing, but they both make a point to tell anyone who will listen that the baby was conceived the day he moved out. Which any dolt with a calculator knows is a lie! And people accept it as fact. Because their love was meant to be! Never mind that we were still married for a good three months after that, and the only reason we still aren’t married is that i agreed to a quickie dissolution and not the typical one year waiting period divorce.

    I am trying to imagine the verbal gymnastics Slabbo executed perfectly to draw in Schmoopie #4, with whom he currently lives and 9 months in has baby mama visiting and calls Schmoopie’s kids his daughters-

    “Let’s see. In April I started texting and smooching my coworker at lunch. She made me feel special because I was married to a Mene Wady who was too busy paying my bills and raising my daughter with some semblance of normalcy to worship me quite as fervently as she used to. I got my coworker pregnant, but she was a Mene Wady too, so will you be nice to me and help me pay child support? I got divorced a month ago.”

    “OH GOSH YES, you’re the man of my dreams!”

    Jesus. Over on this side of town, we have a thing called reality. And calculators.

  • My POS told me he didn’t see the AP when my Dad was in the hospital and dying. How chivalrous is that?! Crazy POS left and I thank God for rescuing me!

  • Ex’s CoWhoret has “the highest morals of anyone I know” according to him. That one statement just positively slays me every time I think of it. Seriously. Comedy writers couldn’t come up with something that funny.

    • “The highest morals of anyone I know” – I’m sorry Not Juliet, but the absurdity of it is slaying me as well. You’re right, writers of any genre couldn’t make this stuff up (well, maybe Sci-Fi writers….who had been doing Peyote for a few days, and that’s still a long shot). The letters sent to CL can attest to it!

    • MyHero always said that he had a good moral compass. Obviously this was guided by the “all knowing penis GPS” that directed him to Madame SlutFace. And used to talk about “situational ethics”…..aka permission to lie whenever it suited him. He never admitted to anything, didn’t need to, as there was no denying the cold hard facts.

  • When I found out about my X and his butter-face, it took me all of two days to track down and notify her husband. (Thank you Internet!) When my X found out I ratted them out, he said I “went too far.”

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

    When I told him I did not want him to come back home, I asked him to respect that and not pressure me about it. He said “RESPECT THAT?! After what you’ve done?! (He was referring to me ratting them both out.)

    This mother-fucker took my outing of his affair as me betraying HIM.

    Again. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

  • Luziana, I’d have to assume that if they work for a bank there is a calculator on a desk somewhere! Or at the very least a calendar! They aren’t fooling anyone! Can you imagine the yuck factor for their poor co-workers who have to listen to this drivel?

    • Oh, no. They all think it’s great. They threw a baby shower.

      At that point, my daughter and I evaporated into ether. It was like we never existed.

  • I got a few, though not as dramatic as others. My ex is just an average Joe cheater.
    Two months into final MC, ex admits to having ‘feelings” for another woman. He did not bring this up in counseling because he had stopped “socializing” with her 3 months earlier (they worked together; 1 month pre DDay). Upon clarification, he was in love with her, but he did not have an affair, and anyway, the marriage was long over.

    13 years previously, I had accused H of cheating with a fellow grad student.. He gaslighted and denied, we went into counseling to “work on our issues”. So, I finally find out that yup, it was an affair.. But they only had sex 1x (uh, huh), and he was in love with her.
    One of our favorite movies to watch over and over again was”sense and Sensibility” with Emma Thompson and Hugh Grant.
    I always thought it was because because love wins in the end, but now I think it is because Hugh Grants character honors his commitment; ex stayed in the marriage even though poor baby was in love with someone else (sniff, sniff).

    Finally, and this is the crux of his morality: he admits to daughter that he loved the first affair partner (so as to justify it? But that meant he did not love me when I was pregnant with her….) and that he did not have a relationship with OWife, our marriage was already over, but now she can see what a real, loving relationship looks like. He tells her this during the same trip that OWife (in his presence) alleviated her own guilt by telling my daughter that H pursued her. She knew it was wrong….).

    Yet, daughter’s issues are because of me…not any of this.

  • My XH was so considerate that when asked why he bailed cruelly and callously without explanation on the marraige very shortly before Xmas he replied that he left before and not after Xmas so he didn’t ruin it (Xmas that is) for me!

    He wasn’t a bad person ( “deep down I’m a good guy”) he even helped the homeless the following year – ironically after making me homeless.

    • That is similar to what mine said. Although he was planning on abandoning me he was taking me to my favourite places so I could have a few more times of happiness before he left. I remember coming out of the bookstore and telling him how much I enjoyed going there and buying my favourite magazine and he got the strangest look on his face. Now I know why.

      I really don’t know how he lives with himself.

      • Oh, and at the same time he managed to ruin my birthday, Christmas, Easter, and Valentines Day with his emotional abuse and abandonment.

        • My last birthday while married to him was pure torture! Nothing worse than being told your husband no longer loves you right before you’re going to meet your kids for dinner to celebrate your birthday. Spent a lot of time in the bathroom crying that night, but trying to look half way decent when I was at the table.

  • XYZ – when my son found his dad’s little sexting phone – stbx told our son that he could tell me about it if he needed to. We were going to get a divorce anyway, so this would just speed up the process. I had no idea we were eventually going to divorce. Guess I am the last to know again.

  • I’m still amazed at my ex cheaters justification. 7 months post divorce and needed my signature on a car he was selling, I of course asked some questions and got, “I’m not shady” um, ok?!?! That moment when your lying, cheating ex says he’s not shady. Me and my friends had a great laugh about that one.

  • I asked my ex if he’d ever had sex with the OW (who happened to be my cousin, who was living with us at the time because she had nowhere else to go) in our home. He became flabbergasted and said, “Of course not! What kind of person do you think I am?” He later admitted to having sex with her in our home, in “her” bedroom. By the time I found out that part of his trickle truth, I’d already kicked the OW out and it was years later and our newborn daughter was using that bedroom. Prior to that, I wasn’t aware of a sexual relationship between them, only an emotional affair. After we’d separated, he also admitted to having sex with the same cousin in his truck multiple times in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Yeah.

  • Oh, and there was always his line: “It’s not HER fault. It was mine.” This was, of course, his lame attempt at me NOT going after his OW (oh, there were many of them, too). In my state, you can sue the AP for Alienation of Affection.

  • I’m the chumpiest of all chumps, you guys! Throughout the four years that we were together, I caught my fiancé talking to other girls in an inappropriate way anytime I did a little suspicious digging – whether it was badmouthing me, or getting too close for comfort with a coworker, or what have you – it was not okay but I didn’t know any better to walk away at the time.

    My cheater was stroking my face and patting my head on D day and laughed at me like I was being adorable and said that I was acting “silly” and was acting like he died. He told me I could “still win him back” or we can try again when his fling was over.

    He said he “needed” to have this fling in order to get over that I had an abortion (aka that I “murdered his baby”). And to have this fling would help HIM “forgive and forget” and “push the reset button on our relationship” because he claimed that he still wanted to end up with me and marry me…

    But at the same time, if we were going to be single, it would be a major problem if I were to see anybody or even hang out with my childhood guy friends.

    It’s disgusting! It’s been 6 months and I still want to commit every time I think about it. And they’re still together – his girlfriend has no idea what really happened…

    • dollparts, did you mean ‘commit suicide’, or ‘commit to that asshole’?

      In either case, can I suggest you get some counselling – good counselling? I’m having it right now and it’s been nearly 3 months and it’s made all the difference in the world to me.

      Having a termination is always a really hard decision, and you might have grief from that you need to get through as well. Find a counsellor who does post-abortion issues.

      In the meantime, trust that he sucks. Really. Because he does. You are worth so much more than this.

      • Lol what I really meant was *VOMMIT*

        I started seeing an amazing counselor. It’s only been 2 sessions but I feel a lot better already.

        Thank you for your kind words

  • I truly love Cosby’s ‘They’d have fallen in love with me’ schtick, like his dick is just so damned magical that once a woman’s vagina had the honour of coming into contact with it her heart would no longer be her own. Shut up, rapist asshole.

  • >>> Russian#1 whom he f..ed repeatedly while on several weeks of ‘sports’ solo vacation abroad:
    “it was only to discover other countries, you did not want to go there”
    >>> Russian#2 whom he lured to visit our area pretending he was single:
    “I am not interested in her, I just want to visit monuments and speak Russian, I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG !!!”

    Last night he sent pictures that Russian#2 took of us during the 3 days we travelled together before I called it quits. The untold message is, you destroyed us with your jealousy, what I have done wasn’t that bad, we could still be together, look at us, what a wonderful couple, you looked so happy.

    Today I feel weak, especially after CL’s former article that was so horrible that my cheater looks like an angel in comparison. I hate it when doubts creep in.

    • NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
      Do not let the doubt creep in! You’ve worked too hard to let that happen.
      Keep moving forward. CN is here for you.

    • I understand about the weakness when you compare your cheater to others, but think about what you just wrote. The OW took a picture of you two and he used it to say what a great couple you guys were? Yeah, if you like having his infidelity rubbed in your face, then I guess you were a great couple. I worried and wondered if my husband was cheating with women I knew, or we had hung around, but you know that he actually did. It’s like missing candy when you’ve been diagnosed as diabetic. You miss what you thought was good, but you know it is bad, possibly even lethal for you. Stay away, and trust that he SUCKS!

      • You’re right AOOK and TG, indeed I kept telling myself this morning: “Trust that he sucks !”.
        In my moments of weakness, I tend to research his point of view, and see myself as a loser.
        Feels like a profound despair.
        Of course, now that he is a soft spoken sad sausage, he can drive me into thinking, “what did I do to drive such a nice guy away ?”
        Wow, I have to put in writing all that he did during the horrible years when OW#1 was in his mind, and when OW#2 was around the corner.

  • There was a moral code which covered both his wife and the whores.

    We didn’t have sex in our bed. We did it on the couch. My pillows reeked of her perfume.

    My ring just broke. He cut it with pliers and left it on the night stand for a month while he was screwing her. He told my daughter this 6 weeks before DDay.

    She kissed me.

    I told her I haven’t been happy for two years. This was in the cheater handbook as this is what he told the whores he was dating every time. Yet I didn’t know this. He would find someone who would fuck him and then move in his mothers basement or my daughters houses and tell me he found someone and wanted a divorce. Filed three times, third time was finally.

    I have to say he was so convincing he conned a few innocent victims who had NO idea he was married and living with me. First came the dream girl which by definition meant they believed his bullshit and were willing to have sex immediately.

    Not an ounce of remorse or respect guided his moral code. I pray he has nothing but pain in his life for all that he has done.

    • “My pillows reeked of her perfume.”
      I came home from trip to visit my parents (ex couldn’t go because he was too busy at work). My first night back, I was laying on the couch and the perfume on the pillow was overwhelming… We had only been married a little over a year. It was the first red flag. I bought his BS explanation hook, line and sinker.

      • Same here. 3 months into our marriage and I smelled an odd perfume odor on my pillow. Certainly nothing I used. I chalked it up to a mish mash combo of hair product, lotion, and fabric softener.

        Then I found his emails & yahoo messenger arranging meetings while I was working and he was pretending to work. I should’ve run then, yet I stayed. Blah. Hindsight is 20/20:/

  • Let’s see:

    He thought about cheating the whole time we were married, but held off for 8 year. Well, there was the one person he kissed, but he only kissed her. (Aww, now that I know how you suffered so!)

    He was having sex with AP to help our marriage, they never meant to fall in love!! (so sowwy about that, but why can’t I understand if he stayed with me he would cheat on me again, but he won’t cheat on her because he makes him want to be a better person!)

    He put AP in my brother’s music video because he was just trying to do his very best job (why can’t I get that? Wasn’t it kind of her to help?)

    He couldn’t possibly break all contact with her on twitter/facebook/tumblr/instagagram/ello/whatever the fuck else because it woud really upset her and that wouldn’t be fair to her during our fake “reconciliation”.

  • Mine assured me that she did not have sex with me on any day when she already had sex with an affair partner (she often boinked people from work over lunch). Because if she could be faithful on a given DAY that spoke well of her? SMH.

    Amazing that such amoral people feel the need to carve out some tiny desert island of morality upon which to plant their flag of worthiness. WTF? Just own that you do whatever you want. My ex-wife’s adolescent rationalization about shitty choices certainly didn’t make me respect her any more.

    • Also, let me say it before someone else does, yes, I’m aware that my ex-wife was certainly lying when she said she did not have sex with me on any day when she already had sex with an affair partner. There was a time when that would not have occurred to me (“She cheated, but that doesn’t mean she’s a liar”), but that time is long past.

        • The only thing I didn’t like about that book is that it makes it sound like everybody does this, all the time. We probably all do it some of the time, and some people do it all the time, but only a narc can truly take responsibility for all the good stuff and none of their bad decisions.

  • I have a few-he was sleeping with random strangers that he would meet in chat rooms and then they would meet for sex. One night stands because evidently that’s ok.

    “It’s not like I was out all the time. It was maybe one time a year.”

    “I did stop when you were diagnosed with breast cancer.” But started again when I was done with chemo and radiation.

    One month after radiation, I had to have a hysterectomy. He left me in the hospital to go on a date with one of the trolls he met online. He told me, “It wasn’t a date-we didn’t have sex. We only talked.”

  • When Asshat moved out during the holidays, he would text photos of the gorgeous view from his super luxe rental. I finally told him to stop and he said he just wanted me to see how beautiful it was. I told him it was insensitive while I was trying to keep it together with a child and Christmas looming (and him not showing up over half the agreed on time to see our son). “Can’t come yet, still shoveling and trying to get a hold of the landlord to tell them the heated driveway is broken.” We do have a service for our very long driveway but I was clearing the walkways, with RA, while he then needed to rest bc he had a headache (a.k.a. Florence was visiting). His commitment to the landlord was stronger than the one to his family. I reminded him he is a physician paying an exorbitant amount of rent but he would take off to meet the tile guy, the plumber, the HVAC guy, all while i fought with the furnace (and won though I ended up bleeding all over the garage), beat the plumbing into submission and believed his lies about how our fixer-upper was making him physically ill. I still need to work on the house but I know the best thing will be when he walks out the door for good.

    After D-Day, I was incensed over his indiscretion (with the mystery woman who would devote all her life to him and loved him so much) and demanded to know who else knew. “God, no one! She’s really private and discreet. You have NOTHING to worry about.” Wow, thanks. When asked to define ‘nothing’ he said she would leave us alone. Um, she flew off the handle after he claims he ended ‘it’ before Valentines Day. My romantic gift was a picture book from a movie that he repeatedly put off seeing with me so I asked what the fuck he got her. “Nothing, what are you talking about? Why would I do that?” Clearly, he has boundaries, dammit! She was mad about being alone for the Hallmark holiday and FedExed a letter to me pretending to be from him in her girlie handwriting. I obeyed him and didn’t open it as he tearfully half-confessed on the phone. I thought it might be laced with Anthrax and he chided me for being so paranoid. She’s a nurse, who I now know is a complete loon, but I am paranoid? Four months later, after a long weekend road trip, she revealed she has stolen my phone number and was going to call and/or come to the house and confront me. About what, God only knows.

    She must be regrouping right now and continuing her discreet and classy takeover of my life. Who knows? He is still in search of those eight bazillion gold stars he musthave in order to go on busting his ass for me. Gimme a break.

  • I was reading a book this weekend called The Bastard on the Couch. I had read The Bitch in the House several years ago — they are both books written/compiled by men and women offering their viewpoints on why and how men and women relate to each other. Anyway — one of the viewpoints I read this weekend was from one of the “Bastards” who claimed that men HAD TO lie to women to get what they wanted from them, because IF they told the truth, women would never give them what they want. Of course, they want different things from different women. So , you won’t tell your wife all of the “little” things you do, “because you are a man” so that she will continue to live with you, provide sex for you, and will keep up your home and care for your children. You tell your side piece how “mean” your wife is, and how she “doesn’t care about your needs” so that she can justify to herself that someone needs to take care of your needs. Somehow that mean wife needs to be punished for not caring for her husband the way he deserves. Twisted, Much?

    He also claimed that men learned to lie from a very early age, because they didn’t want to disappoint their mothers. So when boys start to become men, and their thoughts drift to doing things to girls that mother would not approve of, they learn to lie about what they do and think about, in order to spare their mothers angst.

    Meanwhile, I suppose we women all live in a world that has no relationship to reality, and go about in a cocoon of innocence all the time. Right.

    I laughed all the way through this drivel, although I believe that HE believed everything he was saying and didn’t see anything wrong with it. I raised two sons, and I certainly was never under the impression that my boys were pure and never caused any trouble or participated in any shenanigans.

    Bottom line? People lie to get what they want. Then they lie to themselves so that they can live with their lies. Selfish and entitled. Some lies are more outrageous and mind boggling than others, but the bottom line is that you cannot build anything lasting based on a foundation of liesl

    • What amazes me is that there are women (and men in some cases) who are willing to believe the drivel that married people spew to get laid. “My wife is mean”.. “she doesn’t care about my needs”. WHO would believe that bs? That is SO LAME. You’d have to be a real special kind of stupid.

      My STBX’s whore is a real special kind of stupid. She’s over 40- she ought to know better.. but apparently she laps up the bull he spews. Better her that me. Good luck with that whore. I suspect your Karma will be having to deal with his disordered ass and learning who he is like I did.. the hard way.

      • My ex’s mother left ex’s dad when she found out he was cheating, and had been for a long time (including with her own sister). I always thought that the father was the main influence for the ex’s entitled ridiculous personality.

        But recently I got to hear a few more ‘revelations’ from ex’s mom. Turns out she thinks all men are weak and badly behaved, and women have to put up with that and manipulate them into better behaviour. And turns out SHE has been having sex with a married man, for several years now. But it’s OK, because his wife is fine with it, doesn’t want to have sex with him so is OK with him getting it elsewhere! And the ex’s mom knows all that, because the cheating guy told her so!

        Really, I’m so glad to be away from all that crazy.

  • As weird as it is for me to say, consider yourselves lucky you can comment here. Mine is still in denial/silence mode of “she can’t prove anything without admitting she hacked my computer and stole pictures, thereby incriminating herself and ending up with a criminal record.”

    Funny detail, found out last week he never told his attorney about the affair, my attorney had to bring it up that we were seeking repayment for dissipation of marital assets from the affair to which his attorney said “what affair? he did not mention an affair?”

    I laughed so hard I cried! I hope it makes you smile too.

    • No. That is rich. How do you make it that far into the process and omit that detail. His lawyer must have been thrilled! Asshat went to counseling during the affair without revealing it. Uh, Dr Dumbass, you are undermining your own therapy….

  • Mine said she couldn’t come home because it’s not that simple, she might be pregnant by her AP. And if so, she would marry him.

    • Geez Louise… I guess she thinks getting pregnant by another man while married necessitates the “moral” choice of marrying the AP. The cheater logic gymnastics slay me.

      Did I read you had a date recently Michael? I hope it went well! Onward and upward!

  • Mine didn’t cheat according to him because the marriage was already over. Apparently he had unilaterally granted himself an “emotional separation” so f*****g his undergraduate student doesn’t count.

  • Ugh, can we talk about Cosby’s quote and how he’s patting himself on the back for “restraining from intercourse” with drugged women, not because it’s a violation and a crime, but protect these women from “falling in love” with his narc ass. Because he’s just so damned irresistible.

    So he “only” did sexual things to their bodies while they slept in a “playful” sense. Playful.

    Disgusting.

  • They are all so unoriginal. I got: “She (OW) isn’t even attractive.” “She’s not you, that’s for sure.” “She comes from a fucked up family.” “She doesn’t have a lot of friends.”

    This one stands out: “She just, you know, came into my bed and forced a situation. Ask (his best friend) he was there. He knows.” (They were in Vegas for a convention.) My response: “So she raped you?” Him:” Uh no, it wasn’t like that.” Every part of this explanation is so vile.

    And the gas lighting part he left out – they had been seeing each other before and after this ‘situation’.

    • It’s funny a lot of these OW have those characteristics… “not that attractive”.. “not nearly as attractive/decent/smart” as wife, Fucked up FOO, few female friends (obvious reasons), and low self esteem.

      Sucks to be them.

          • This seems to very true. Also very young. I mean VERY young. The last one that the ex left me for is about 20 years younger than him. Sick if you ask me!!!!

            • Mine went for one that wasn’t born when he and I met and started our lives together. She was younger than our RELATIONSHIP

            • Young to me is almost more forgivable.. not by MUCH.. but at least you have the “young and dumb” defense. The slut in my case is over 40. She really should know better. A special kind of stupid.

              • Yeah she was just trying out her kitten claws on him. He was so distraught when she started dating someone else right after they (gag) broke up. I know, honey, it’s so hard to see them grow up…

            • My ex’s whore was older. Apparently she slept around with half the married men at her fitness club before Mr. Sparkley came along. Then her family bought her out. Guess they were worried about her bad reputation and the financial consequences. Now Mr. Sparkley gets to support her, lol!

    • As to the ‘honor’ part, in his mind he was always honorable and a good person — he was just “giving advice” “talking” “being a good friend” “helping her through a rough time” “going for drinks because she is a mess because she broke up with her boyfriend”….yadda yadda yadda

    • Downgrade is right!

      Ho-worker is:
      – 9 years older than me – 45
      – Not a young looking 45 – but a rode hard and put away wet looking 45
      – Still rocking bleach-blonde 80’s big-hair
      – alcoholic
      – addicted to pills
      – bulimic
      – nearly toothless due to the bulimia
      – Dumb as a box of rocks

      But she likes cats and so does he, they’re just friends who like to talk about cats.
      “Cats” must be a code-word for her nasty old p*ssy.

  • Mine never brought OW home, he just met her at bars and at work (she was our co-worker.) In fact, I wouldn’t have found out at all if he didn’t make new plans after he bailed on me by not coming home.

  • I always got “Guilt Gifts” after each one of his particularly satisfying encounters with the Doormat or the Twatwaffle, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

    He never gave gifts for normal things like birthdays or Christmas or anniversaries. I’d just come home to find an expensive piece of jewelry on my dresser. I have a very nice collection of trinkets, most of which I sold for scrap after I kicked his ass out. I kept the $$$ embroidery machine, though.

    Things got a bit desperate towards the end, though. I ended up with a Levenger magnifying glass (which he ordered on clearance!) of all crazy stupid things…

  • The OW was his supervisor at work. He repeatedly told me how ugly, bitchy, and gormless she was. When we were out shopping, he insisted on buying her an Xmas gift “to appease her”. Guess who paid for that gift because he was perpetually short of money.

    When I later discovered their true relationship, he insisted she was “‘just a friend” and kept saying “why can’t I have a friend?”. Even when I showed him hard evidence of their affair…he said “it only happened once so I could keep my job”. The OW later claimed they had “been together for over a year” before he left his partner (me). Some trophy…she can have him!!

    It was only when the OW emailed me and recounted their trysts in OUR bed that I realised what a twisted fucker he was. I forwarded him her email and simply said “it this true?” – his answer…”the only regret I have is that I hurt you”. It took me all of 30 seconds to write the reply “don’t ever contact me again”. and PS. the police are coming over to seize back the stuff you stole – and bless those cops they arrived back at my place with my possessions in the cop car. Even they said he was a disgusting twat.

  • I called the OW because Saddam said she was hurt and wouldn’t stop contacting him and he felt sorry for her (another lie of course). Saddam berated me for calling because “She’s a saint and sitting by her sick mothers bed in the hospice, how dare you call her and hurt her feelings”.

  • “She is not a whore”

    “I can’t tell you her name…she has a family”

    “We are not divorcing because of my cheating…we had a crappy marriage”

    “You can’t confront her, she doesn’t know I took those pictures of her and emailed them to my friends”

    “Why do we have to have the financial agreement written into the divorce agreement…I was planning to give to give you a certain amount each month and when I get a commission check I will share some it with you”

    “I am really sad, AP is going to try and make it work with her husband for their kids’ sake”

    “I am really going to need your help each year with my taxes…this will be good for you and keep me honest”

    I could go on and on…Priceless commentary!!!

    • “She’s not a whore”. I heard this too. Then what is she? A Sunday School teacher who messes with married men? Nope I call em like I see em.

      Was planning to share his commissions with you? What a saint!! LOL

      Priceless indeed.

    • Ex actually told our daughter that “your mom probably calls OW a whore” and that I need to stop being angry and bitter.
      Funny, I have never called her that, I do not think in those terms… funny that he does 😉

      • I do think in those terms. Am angry and bitter –I miss my house, my lakes, my little town, my job, my life–damn it!– but I do not miss that lying piece of shit. His affair came to light the day he asked me for a divorce and I had my Bart Simpson moment–“Duh!” It explained our finances, his crap behavior, the cell phones, the last family vacation, the long hours away from home, his disrespect, his disengagement, his distance from our kids, the rotten sex (eeewwwwwwwww), and all the other pieces of our life not making sense. Then I went online and discovered his ugly whore, because disordered asses like these get off on spinning the narrative. All the evidence is there for all the world, friends, family, and children to see. He has lots of new friends and I am sure they all share the same values. Even his sister hid his affair (I was seventeen when I met her). I have no respect for anyone who cheats on their SO. No matter what the story is. Pick up People magazine. Half those divorces were caused by a third party. Not “we grew apart,” or “we don’t share the same interests,” blah blah Blah. It all boils down to one big selfish entitled cretin. Shitty character indeed!

    • “I can’t tell you her name…she has a family”
      Clearly you didn’t have a family that she was, incidentally, not a part of.

      “she doesn’t know I took those pictures of her”
      Wow.

    • “You can’t confront her, she doesn’t know I took those pictures of her and emailed them to my friends”

      What a douche!! Haha!

      “We are not getting a divorce because of my cheating…we had a crappy marriage.” Oh, you too? Mine was apparently crappy too…well, I was a crappy wife who didn’t appreciate all his hard work. These assholes are all the same!!!

    • Those were, interesting, TP! I would say funny, but we all know how they made us feel.
      When I was 900 miles away, paying for ‘our’ bankruptcy, and having my lawyers whomp the hell out of him in the divorce so I could start my new life, X started to get frantic. He could no longer make me pay for everything, while he played house with the neighbor! Oh no! And, I was entitled to be reimbursed for ten mortgage payments, and 1/2 of ten bankruptcy payments, and a bunch of other stuff. Basically, he realized that I was getting most of the house sale money, thank God. Here’s the great deal he proposed- ” Give me half the proceeds, so I can get a fresh start in life, and I’ll pay you back when I get back on my feet”!
      It is ONLY because I read here almost every day, that I said no, but I did give him an extra 3K, because he is so pathetic. And I got a facial tic, that lasted for 5 months, from the constant AAAAgggg. Oh well.
      He can’t reach in my wallet anymore! And he has to see OW every day, when he comes up from her basement, LOLOLOL!

  • Mine was the opposite of the first story above. My WW was shocked that I thought she gave the AP oral sex. She said, no, of course not! That was something very special that she reserved for us. Like intercourse was not special and to be reserved for us too?!

    She also said she never had sex me unless there had been at least two days since she had been with him.Supposedly she did this to spare me the humiliation of being second with her.

    • Mine drew the line at kissing. He told me with an air of devotion, “I never kissed her.”
      I believe him.
      He never kissed me either. (that should have been my first red flag).

  • When confronted with the phone records showing that she and her OM(friend at work) were sending each other hundreds of text messages a day, her statement was. “I can’t believe that you would look up those records, I would never do that to you”.

        • Apparently, marriage has boundaries, LadyStrange, and looking at the phone bill and questioning the number repeatedly texted and called is one of them.

      • The same with mine.

        “How dare you invade my privacy to find out that I’ve been lying to your face, sexting my buddy, hiding money, and planning on leaving you for somebody else this whole time?”

        Who are these people?

        • Oh yes, “I have a right to my privacy” was a fav expression, right up there with “I didn’t do anything wrong” and the constant ” I am not a monster” declarations. I knew I was over it when I stopped telling him I never said he was. The ploy to take any conversation off track and get me to assure him he wasn’t a monster stopped working when I realized he was telling me who he was and I had the evidence to believe him

        • Mine said “It makes me pretty mad that you got into my stuff.” I answered right back, “It makes me pretty mad you’re in love with another woman.” **crickets**

  • Mine told me (gesturing with hand held high in the air) “I always put you way up here.” Well don’t I feel like a princess.

  • I was lucky enough to hear BS from the OW who called me to let me know that my then husband had become a very good liar, as he had been lying to her for quite some time too!!! Ya don’t say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To which I responded, yes, he has become a good liar. When you are ball deep in an affair that tends to happen. I explained that she too was lying to many people! She just didn’t see it!!!!!!!!!

  • Does anyone have any stories about later? After the Karma bus arrives? After they get older, slow down? Do disordered people ever realize anything, or talk it over afterward in any reasonable way? Does crazy time ever end for them, or do they die, still trying to make the nurses do the pick me dance? Just asking…

          • Yes! Got the insurance policies in a handy place as we speak. My daughter-in-law, who was chumped badly in her first marriage, told me that cheaters never really win. I didn’t believe her then, but I do now! Then Divorce Minister addressed this on his blog the other day. My ex just thought he was the cock of the walk and had pulled such a good one on me! They all apparently believe they aren’t really old perverts, but that they will live forever! The delicious part about my ex’s terminal illness is that it also punishes his little whore who thought she was cute too! But to answer your question, yes! Sooner or later they get too old for the game or they just die alone! I believe Schmoopie will dump him or put him in a dumpy nursing home. I don’t believe my ex will ever admit he was wrong! He’s way too full of himself!

    • Would also love to hear any stories of how narcs or borderlines end up as well. The few I have observed did not age well. A couple of females had a “Whatever happened to Baby Jane” look but they were more than likely borderlines not narcs. All were very angry, demanding & downright miserable. Again, my experience with the senior narcissists or borderlines is limited. I did, however, this past weekend, happen to see (from a distance) a couple that I had mentioned in a earlier post. The narc cheater that left his wife and kids for a stripper. He’s pushing 60 and she is now mid forties, both looked miserable. She was very drunk and he was very annoyed. She was wearing a loud dress showing off her huge boobs (as usual) and he is also a train wreck, now sporting a shaved head, long beard, covered in tattoos. Both looked like they were struggling to look 20 something, not very successful mind you. They now reside out of state (FL-he’s a retired cop) but I guess come back here in the summer. Where I live is a popular summer spot and this weekend on the Harbor had a lot of events so everyone was out & about. Anyway the x stripper is definitely on the prowl and I’m thinking the only reason they are still together is financial. I may be reading a lot more into it but I think my observation is accurate and pretty sure karma has hit them as they are now stuck with one another as divorce would leave them both financially limited.

    • Crazy never stops. It’s like that guy who slaughtered his family and ends up pleading not guilty. Because, you know, he’s a decent person. My ex had an affair which ended our marriage because he wanted…new sex. That’s pretty much it. But leave it to beaver to pronounce to sundry and all how–gosh!–“it was tru wuv!” and how “much they had in common!” (Cheating for one, lol), and how they had only spent those last twenty plus years married “being miserable because that was best for the kids.” Yeah, right. What a couple of BIG LOSERS. Karma is they are married to someone who is capable of fucking over and abandoning their spouse. Karma right there.

  • My STBX told me it was never just sex, he loved all his AP’s. He didn’t have sex with his latest AP until after he told her he loved her (three months before he asked for a divorce). So see he has some morals (sarcasm)! And his AP is wonderful, would never come between him and his kids, told him he should work on his marriage if he had any feelings for me (but she still flirted with him, told him what a big strong man he is, let him come to her house and take her out, then slept with him) so she has morals too (sarcasm)! My STBX got upset with me when I suggested he was hiding money from me and that I wanted his life insurance policy left in my name for our kids. He said it hurt that I didn’t believe him and that I didn’t trust him. Really! He can’t understand why I would think he is a liar and why I don’t trust him. When he has lied to me over and over ond over again!

  • I know I have mentioned this in previous post, but it sill ranks up there as one-of-the-most-surreal-moments-of-my-life. It was when I had my first D-day and confronted my husband about it, he calls the OW saying the gig is up. She then invites herself over the next day after work. Sitting across from my then-husband and me (he’s holding my hand, completely expressionless), she states that “he will never cheat on you”. I’m still so stunned about everything, I’m shocked into silence. All I can do is stare at her in amazement. With clarity restored, I regret some of the things I could have responded with:

    “What, with someone else? You’re his only co-adulterer? Now, isn’t that special?”

    “The proof I have is that he’s already been cheating….with you. I’m not a health professional, but I’d say you’ve been smoking just a little bit too much crack.”

    “Oh goody! I’m so relieved to know that! So, when I show your husband these sexts you two have been exchanging, I’ll just qualify them as oops, they were just kidding!”

  • Mine said to me ” but I was faithful for 6 years to you before her” …. he deserved 2 bitch cookies for that. LOL

  • “Yes, I know I made a ‘mistake’.” The supposed one time she cheated, then broke it off with me (while living with me and the kids for 5 more months). You see, if she ended our r/s, then “officially” she was no longer cheating! Cue months of her being in a r/s with him with me urging her to leave, to salvage whatever we could have to be good co-parents. Then one night at dinner, he called her phone. “What the hell, he can’t even leave you alone long enough to have dinner with your kids?” Her response, “I know I’m ‘sick’.” You’re in a r/s! “No, I don’t know what it is I have with him.” You call him ‘Love’! (this was a mistaken text that she sent to me instead of him one night. Made me sick to my stomach, as she was meeting him to work out while I took care of the kids.

    Later I accused her of using the computer to Skype and cheat (I bought it for us (her) so she could finish her schooling from home.). She said she never did that, only on her phone. Lies. Browsing history doesn’t lie. Neither was the active Skype account, with his grinning mug on his profile which I could see.

    All in all, “it happened!” As if she had no choice in the matter, she then attributing it to some undiagnosed and unnamed attachment disorder (I’d arm-chair Dx BPD, but that’s just me… my mom is actually Dx’d with it).

  • Two months after he dropped the 1st bomb (ILYBNILWY)My cheater was going, “roller skating”, & “band practice”, every evening, for most of the entire 7 days I was laying in the hospital for major abdominal surgery. He got me a handicapped toilet seat for when I was going home & told me he hoped I didn’t want to get the wrong idea…. That he didn’t want me to think he wanted to try to get back together & go to marriage counseling. Turns out he had the skank an entire year prior… They DID actually meet at the roller rink. Can’t make this shit up!!!!!!!!!

  • Wow some of these are just outrageous. My ex bailed after 24 years on my and our daughter to be with her new love of her life. She emailed me soon after to let me know “For what it’s worth I’m sorry how things turned out” as well as “I could never hate you like I hate my first ex..” Gee thanks that makes me feel so much better.

    • That note says so much.. “I” couldn’t hate you… like “I” hate my first ex. It’s all about HER. Me me me me. Like chump lady says, entitlement. It always comes down to entitlement. She’s not sorry for what she did, she’s not remorseful for hurting you, only probably sorry for how it hurts her reputation. She wants you to like her after all.. isn’t she sparkly!

      GAG

  • How timely! I just watched this movie last night.

    Lou Peckinpaugh (from The Cheap Detective)

    Being a private eye may not be much, but we do have a code of honor. It’s all right to fool around with your partner’s wife, but once he’s dead it makes it all so dirty. That’s the way it is, angel. You marry yourself a nice guy, have a couple of swell kids. Once you’re all set up and happy, maybe we can fool around again.

  • My ex-husband said, ¨Yes, I cheated, but I never allowed myself to truly enjoy it because I worked hard to keep it from you.¨ WTF?

  • I have to get in on this one today… My ex told me that after bringing his OWin to babysit our kids, basically endangering the welfare of our kids, screwing his whore in our marital bed and completely destroying our marriage, he thought he should get credit for not beating me up or coming home drunk… I think I would have preferred the drunk….did I mention that he is also a peeping Tom and sets up video cameras so he could watch people pee? And he did this for 4 years?? Oh by the way, I nursed him thought stage 4 cancer near the tail end of this mess and he has the nerve to tell me that OW was a better woman than me and if it wasn’t for OW he would have left meal ready. I should have let you die, you sick f$ck. I can’t wait for the divorce to become final!! Next week can’t come fast enough!

  • First OW:
    “I was naive, I thought she would just be my guide, and she jumped my bones”
    “I never paid for her meals”
    “I did not pay for her trips”
    “I invited her to France only because it was my turn to be the guide”
    “Her daughter looks like Taylor Swift, and is into Middle Ages role playing”
    “You should see what I wrote to her OM, there were no compliments, she was angry”
    “She will be sorry that she preferred the OM because I make more money than him”
    Second OW:
    “I asked my language teacher to write a message to her, so I am sure she will understand, that I am not interested in her as a woman, but only as a tourist”
    “I did not invite her, she decided on her own”
    “look, she wrote an email, asking me what she can bring along for you”
    “I took only a few days off, I told her I would help with the transfers, then we will see, if you like her I can continue showing her around during the rest of her stay”

  • My cheating ex briefly discovered some kind of moral compass after I filed for divorce. I had spent over 2 decades of living with his lies, deception, and abusive behaviors and all the while I was doing everything I could to please him and take care of our family. Shortly after he moved out, he wrote me a letter claiming a newfound dawning enlightenment, realization of the error of his ways, the turning over of a new leaf. This is what he said:

    He was losing sleep thinking about me and the incredible amount of pain he put me through. He wanted to get together to talk because I shouldn’t keep that pain bottled up inside of me — the emotional scars he had attached. He said that I needed to call him — for the kids’ sake. They needed stability in their lives. He begged for a chance to save the marriage. He was convinced we could have a wonderful relationship once again — he said he could imagine it in his head. He said it was real and he could do it if only I would give him a chance to prove it. He wanted my pain to go away. It wasn’t too late. He said he was so sorry for what he had done and that I had to believe him. He would do whatever it took, he wasn’t going to give up and he begged me not to give up on him. He proclaimed his love for me, his dear sweet wife.

    Wow, he was suddenly thinking of me, wanted to talk, was concerned about the kids, he could imagine a wonderful life for us, he wanted to make amends…. But, gee, he didn’t tell me I wasn’t allowed to be mad for more than a few days or have any conditions for reconciliation. When I didn’t immediately forgive him, his claim of undying devotion quickly turned into a smear campaign. He later wrote another letter suggesting if I thought the abuse during our marriage was bad that I was mistaken because he was going to unleash a wrath like no other before. Imagine that.

  • Why is the sex always bad once caught? I had sex with a 26 year old multiple times but it was not good!
    He meant nothing to me it was just sex…..
    I didn’t have sex with the guy I was emotionally attached to because it would have caused havoc….
    I had sex in his bed that was his fiances also but thats her problem to deal with not mine….
    You had a lot to do with my being unfaithful…. if only you had ______________________
    I always took my ring off…. told God and you to stay put in car while I had out of body experience…. that is my favorite….

    • David — that last one was just plain evil. I am so sorry you had to hear that. I am so sorry you got entangled with a narcissist, too.

    • Told God to Stay Put? Classic whackado!

      Hang in there David, you are better off! ACK. I am a bit nauseated after reading that!

      • Its interesting to listen once one gets past the hurt and anger….. the excuses, the justifications… the lies…. the only truth I hear is when she says it had nothing to do with me… that one I believe.

        • David, That’s the whole truth, for a long time I didn’t find any of it “funny” either as my heart was broken and I was pissed that he would leave this crap legacy to his children. 🙁 It has NOTHING to do with us and everything to do with their crap life skills and choices. (Like being a good decent spouse unlocks poor behavior, right!?!? Lol.) As soon as my ex regurgitated ILYBINILWY I knew. Cheaterspeak for Sure! As is the belief that you can’t be faithful and having good sex in a marriage of any length. I call bullshit on that too. I for one don’t choose to fuck others when I am in a committed relationship. I am sure there are plenty of good honest authentic men out there.

          • its funny in its own way…. if you google ILYBINILWY, it is almost always a sure sign of someone cheating….. I heard the same line! But as I always say, my denial was her best friend!!!!

  • Oh the noblesse of our cheaters! I know it’s been said up thread, but the same ole, same ole of all this still amazes me.

    Here’s a couple of gems from #2:

    We didn’t want to hurt you.
    I figured what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you.
    If you didn’t know, then it wouldn’t hurt you and it would be OK.
    I knew I had your love, but I wanted just sex, which isn’t really cheating.
    Andddddd…drum roll please….

    We never had sex.

    Huh? Someone explain that last one to me. Why are you making all the noble excuses when you never had sex, or an emotional attachment. Oh wait. I’m trying to apply logic to cheater think. Silly me.

    • Oh Lord, I took that to mean the woman was dead at the time. ‘Cause that would just be reaching into a whole new stratosphere of crazy. Surely she just needed to be consoled. Yeech.

  • Phi

    I’d have to say they settle for much less than they already have whenever they cheat. X went with whatever was available. It always excited him that the OW knew he was married and was willing to sleep with him.

    As he got older the shift went from one nighters, married women who were into cheating to someone with no strings attached meaning no children at home, willing to stroke his ego and willing to see him as a victim. He wanted someone to support him.

    Hence why he ended up with ugly skanky piggy with absolutely nothing going for herself. It’s about worship. She thinks he is amazingly great based on his narrative. It will last as long as it takes her to figure out he’s a dreamer with no substance. He traded a nice home on an acre of land to living in a dump within close proximity to the beach and a casino. He traded so far down he lost the respect of anyone who meets her.

    So as they age they can’t find anyone intelligent/attractive. They find disordered. For them it goes downhill fast. Financially and socially they bomb regardless of their OW/OM as they are stunted in life skills. There’s no one left to make them look good and they have NO support system. They get to live the life they chose. Alone.

    • This is pretty much it. The irony is my STBX has very little family, the family he does have is very angry with him and not really interested in having a relationship with him now. He loves his kids but how long will he really be there for them? Kids get in the way of sparkly whore kibbles. Even whores have demands.. all my friends say to expect his zealousness for custody to wane over time.. once he is out there reliving his lost youth.

      So will he have the kids 20 years from now? Will they respect him? Probably not.

      They end up alone. I have an uncle like this.. he has friends, but very little family, no wife (ran her off) and now he’s sick. It’s sad.

      You are so right about life skills.. it comes down to lacking the ability to cope. To deal with real life. They are always looking for MORE a fantasy, something greater.

      The irony is, what most of them HAD was a great spouse, great kids, and an all and all decent life. A lot of blessings that most people DREAM of. But it wasn’t enough. It’s never enough.

      • Alas, it’s true, it’s never enough. Mine traded a nice home on the hills 5 miles from the most touristic beach, to a 2-room modern and grey appt on a port with warships in the distance. He traded barbecues and home-made dishes to industrial 1-person meals.
        The weird part is this: on one of our rare times together since he moved out, I discovered a pretty bay not too far from his appt, told him it was beautiful, and now he is visiting small houses precisely in that place. My reaction ? I don’t feel like going out any more, I don’t feel like keeping the house, I feel like curving into a ball, I am angry at everybody, it’s like the fact that he finds happiness after discarding me drives me to self-sabotage. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

        • ChumpFromF, I can relate to what you are saying. I used to take great pride in my house and was a much better housekeeper. After he cheated years ago, my desire to house clean went WAY down. The dread of having wasted SO many years with an narc puts me into zombie land. I have tough days… Now that our 16 year old daughter wants to live with her Narc Dad out of state. My days get even rougher. Hang in there. We will get through this but know that the feelings you have are likely experienced by more than a few of us.

          • Hang in there, Hope49, one of my kids lived with Dad after all the crap. Less than a year out. Kid was going to college, then working, hanging with friends he’d grown up with. He spent a year with Mr. Wonderful and then realized dad was no longer the man he knew. He was jetting off to see his new love and had no time to be a real parent. No surprise there. He’s living w/me now, a little worse for it, slowly moving forward, trying to wrap his brain around the abandonment and dad’s hurtful choices. His dad also chose not to spend the holidays with his kids (he went to Vegas with his Whore instead). Trust me all three of our kids no longer give him the time of day. Sad.

  • Good grief, what stories we can tell. Good prompt, CL.

    After finally admitting he fucked two people I didn’t know about, his saving grace was that he didn’t fuck the one I thought I knew about.

    Alas, at the time I gave him credit for having at least one boundary. Later on, I found out there was a gaggle of them, not just two, and he did fuck the one I thought I knew about.

  • My god, these cheaters are all epic f*cktards from the planet F*ckatrd Major.

    I’m aghast at the idiocy and the gall of the people being reported here.

    CN is mighty indeed for uniting and getting past all of this bullsh*t!

  • I work to make the mortgage, insurance, car payments, wireless bills, internet bills, and so on. My son and I keep up with our share of the housework so the place looks immaculate upon her inspection (or face her wrath). All the while she ignored us to chat, text, talk, and facetime with her twu luv facebook fuckbuddy; who also happens to be a married serial cheating sociopath.

    After digging up the extent of her affair (trickle-truthed for five months), she’s tells me she fell head over heels in twu-luv with him because he made her feel really “special.” I made the mistake of asking her in what alternate universe she could possibly compare what I did for our family to this asshat and still desire him. Her response was, “If it makes you feel any better, I did think he made some poor choices concerning his family.”

    • Your story matches mine pretty closely. I was doing all the work but when dickhead AP would send lyrics from some song in a text, it was twuwuv and all her needs were fully met!

      Funny thing is that I used to send her romantic emails, flowers all the time, but eventually realized she NEVER replies to them, never mentioned them, often didn’t even read them. I spent ten years doing all the work AND trying, really really trying to meet her needs, to make her feel special, the make her feel sexy, and in the end it was all rejected, neglected, ignored, and finally met with a full-on affair and the “I wasn’t getting my needs met, so I had no choice but to stray.”

      AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGH!!!!!

      • Right there with you, Buddy!!!

        The Evil One sent me flowers maybe ONCE in the 13 years we were together, would post songs dedicated to me maybe TWICE ever on Facebook, etc., but would bomb women on Facebook all the time with compliments, etc….then if I dared to “like” one of his many selfies posted or comments, etc. he would get mad and say that I was “stalking” him. WTF?!?!?!?!

    • Exactly, BetrayedNoMore!!!

      I have supported this household- paid ALL the monthly bills, spents nothing on myself or our daughter and if I did, I was “hiding” money from him, but yet he could take hundreds of dollars out of our joint account and disappear for 12-14 hours at a time, then come home broke and pissy!!! I have practically raised our daughter on my own, kept the house immaculate or get the huffy-sighs and little comments, I did everything for The Evil One and then he gets a 20.00-an-hour paying job then packs up all of his stuff and leaves?!?!?!

      Wow, what a guy!!! His little tramp and the others he’s met on facebook, Zoosk, Twitter, etc. can have him— now that the divorce is final, they can have his selfish, broke ass!!!!

  • Mine said:

    “I could have left with no explanation – just packed my things and left! Just like the song, there’s 50 ways to leave…”

    Like that would have done more damage than lying to me about the affair? Like I’m supposed to be grateful?

  • I got a Hitler comparison too!

    *After D-Day*

    Me: You’re a piece of shit

    Him: Wait, so you think that what I’ve done (fucked prostitutes behind your back for years) erases all the GOOD things about me?

    Me; Yes.

    Him: Not everyone is ALL bad. I mean, even Hitler loved dogs.

    Me: I’m sorry, are you comparing yourself to Hitler in some attempt to make yourself look BETTER?

    Him: blank stare. Um…..

    Me: Walk away in exhaustion. Divorce him. (BTW for what it’s worth, I’m Jewish)

    • Oh wow givetimetime, don’t try and follow the logic there. Crazy!

      Mine actually said “you people act like I’m a murderer or a child molester. Now I know how Jesus felt.” What?????

  • I know the ex told me loads of things but one I can remember when I found out about the 1st affair (well I think it was the first one) and his excuse was that “I (him) didn’t think you (me) would understand.” Then after some time after that and we were in MC and I asked him if understood the pain he caused me and the damage he caused the marriage and in his “loving”tone -(not the sarcasm in my writing) and his statement was “I think you are jealous” with the most evil smirk on his face. Then I knew he would never get it.

    There are many others that I can recall also. The list is endless and still painful today.

  • Been reading a while. Will comment specific to thread. My story is too long.
    His moral code: -don’t blame the other women. Blame me
    -When I said we will have to use condoms till he gets sti all clear he protested but I am your husband! (Translation he was entitled to condom free sex with me even after unprotected sex with others…maybe he was their husband too)
    – I only ever wanted to have sex with you! (After having had sex with others)
    – you need to open up to me (as we are having sex. I found I did not want to make eye contact with him after the cheating. It really went to shit. Open up to him after his cheating gas lighting blame shifting verbal abuse)
    – yea I love her. But I love you too.
    Honestly after the betrayal I did not trust him. His callousness to my pain was hurtful. By the second sexual affair I lost all respect for him. Now how can I abandon myself to that. The fact was that he would be getting a better reception elsewhere than from me. The spark was gone but he had pissed on the embers.

  • Geez…how are ALL of them the same?????? Mine..after me admonishing him for fucking numerous women over many years….”It wasn’t THAT many…..”…..

    • The disgust I felt when attempting to be intimate with him was precisely what cemented my decision to end it for good.The mental movies started, questions ran through my head like “did he do this to her too?”, and his touch felt as if I had spiders crawling all over me. No one should feel dirty & physically ill from having sex with their husband.

      • FFC and AF, during rec I got to where I couldn’t look him in the eye. He got so pissed about that! Also, I knew I’d never forgive him when I realized I couldn’t have sex with him without thinking about her – not worrying that he was thinking about having sex with her, not even worrying that he was just thinking about her in any way! For all I know, he wasn’t. But *I* was thinking about her. Fuck that noise, I quit

  • Hi, I’ve been spending weeks reading chump lady archives and it has been a great experience to read that I am not alone. I am a huge chump, but I am on my way to a better life with my two children. Long story short, STBX had an affair with a bartender he met on his pool league night, left me for her but didn’t tell me he was having an affair but left because he was “unhappy”, I found evidence there might be an affair, gaslighted me, manipulated me, begged his way back, I took him back (I know chump move), and he continued to eat cake for 7 months until I found more evidence in March that was not deniable and kicked him out. This was his second affair in the 13 years we have been together that I know about. I’m sure there were many more. He had his first affair before our marriage, right after our daughter was born. We broke up, he did the counseling work, and in true chump form I said yes when he proposed and married his ass only to be cheated on again.

    My stbx whore moved away from our hometown (she lived a block away from our home). He claims that he has no idea where she is in the U.S. but somehow continued to receive loving messages, sexting, and contacts with her since she moved but never asked where she went. I found out that she moved to Biloxi Mississippi in November. What a surprise that stbx went to to Mississippi on “work” trips in January and then soon after D-Day in April!!! When asked to prove that his work sent him there he says, “that is impossible! I would NEVER do anything like that! I can’t believe you would think that I would waste my vacation time, leave my kids, and spend our money! You REALLY think that? I have NO IDEA where she is! I never asked!”

    My next favorite stbx says is, “You act like I slept with her a million times! It was ONLY five or six!”
    “I only wanted my wife.” “She was never in our house. That would be UNCOMFORTABLE!”

    The list goes on! I am so happy to be here and find strength to keep on moving forward to a better cheater free life.

    • Ktln – Ahhhh pool league. Yep. My stbx plays pool 5 nights a week. Spends ALL his vaction time on tournaments. I used to go with (and I played myself for a few years, In fact won the end of year tourney with my team….stbx NEVER won a big tourney or even came close haha) until the flirting and raunchiness got out of hand. Stbx goes to Vegas for a tourney every year and when he got back in 2012 he started hoarding his phone, locking it, hiding it and decided to ‘change names’ on his phone. For instance Bob had a number, but so did Bob/Amanda. Huh. Ya so he figured I wouldn’t figure out Bob/Amanda was really just Amanda. What a dumbass. Those pool tournaments/league nights are just big drunk fests and apparently anything goes with these sick narcs. I feel for ya…

  • My ex said he never had sex with her, because he would never sleep with a married woman. He’s too good of a Christian for that. He claimed they were just “taking respectable steps to be together,” and they both needed, “time to heal.”

  • I have a dog that gets into trouble from time to time, jumping up on visitors, killing squirrels and laying their mangled bodies on the Persian rug at the food of the stairs, stealing food off toddler’s plates. But if I call my dog out for what she’s done? She has a better reaction than most cheaters when called on their cheating. My dog doesn’t deny, she doesn’t gaslight me, and she doesn’t make any of the stupid rationalizations described above. She owns her shit. Hell, she even skulks away and looks ashamed. My cheating ex was never ashamed of anything in her life. Occasional self-pity, perhaps, but no true shame. All to say, our cheaters are worse than dogs. Far worse. And expecting a serial cheater to show true remorse and change their ways is sillier than expecting my dog to send me an apology sonnet.

    https://www.google.com/search?q=dog+shaming&biw=1257&bih=635&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&sqi=2&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAWoVChMIvteD9vKPxwIVgriACh3Y7wBP&dpr=1.1#imgrc=pfX6Q7hQLk7IqM%3A

    • God I love my dogs so much! I tell them all the time they are the only people that truly understand me. Well, except now that I’ve found CN 🙂

      • I agree, Arlo. I just buried my 14 year old miniature schnauzer who helped get me through the roughest times after D-day (nearly 7 years ago), when I went from being a husband and dad with 2 kids to living in a huge empty house with just me and the dog. I believe that when you die if you’re lucky enough to get to heaven all the dogs you ever own run up to greet you. Lord, I sure hope to make it, because it would be wonderful to see that pooch again.

  • At first, Pig Fucker took a Bill Clinton approach. “I’ll give you the truth that I now understand you deserved Code. I admitt, I did take her out on romantic dates, I did touch hold and touch her in an affectionate manner, I did kiss her with tongue, I even admit that I once kissed and licked her neck while drunk. But, I swear on all I love, I did not have sexual relations with that woman!!!”

    He stood firm by this assertion for weeks until I was finally able to convince him I was not as brain disfunctioned as his pig and already know the real truth. Then he added, “Fine, I admit it definitely went too far ONE time. We did things that were definitely inappropriate, but I swear I never actually put my penis in her!” I then asked him to clarify “inappropriate” and he responds “I just finger banged her, alright?”

    Anyway, this game went on for a few more days until finally I said “Look Pig Fucker, let’s play this game a different way…if its sooooo hard for you to confess your scumbagery to me, then I’m going to tell you what I KNOW is the really really truth and you are, at the very least, going to give me the respect of shaking your head, giving a thumbs up, or some shit. Now, it is the entire truth is that you did engage in all you have admitted, but you were, in fact, also balls deep in that skank with your tictac repeatedly!” I got a thumbs up in response…..kinda like a nonverbal pat on the back for my awesome win at Clue.

    I then learn he fucked her lots in MY car that I put myself and children in!!! BUT….it wasn’t THAT BAD….at least he had enough respect for me not to fuck her on the very seat I sit on.

    True story he said that!
    Well, you didn’t have enough respect for me to just NOT fuck the pig ANYWHERE, but at least I must have meant something to him if he was considerate enough to spare me from sitting in their shame.

    One last one is when I asked him if he went down on her, he said: “OMG, did you really even ask me that! Look it was stupid shit that got inappropriate. But, that??? That is intimacy!!! I didn’t cross that line!”. I could only manage to stare at him in complete disbelief, genuinely start laughing and crying at the same time, and accidentally shove his new Xbox 1 off the top shelf of the entertainment center as I walked out to go decontaminate (or torch) my SUV.

    • CodependentChump, you have some serious sass (ala The Clip) and I hope you are not wasting it on someone who doesn’t appreciate it. IMHO if a real man/woman can’t handle a strong, authentic, and “bossy” woman then maybe he had better move on. I love the new vocabulary too, “scumbagery,” and especially “tictac” (LOL, so approp for men who cheat!).

  • Oh I forgot this one. After the 1st Dday and several months down the road. The ex was pressuring me into having a kid. Couple of his statements were:

    “I (him) think us having a child would bring us closer”

    and

    “If we had a child earlier maybe it would have prevented me (him) having the affair”.

    Mental or what…..

    • Some manipulative assholes aren’t very subtle are they? I mean, hey you are going to divorce me, I don’t want that so let me get you pregnant and trap you with my sorry ass for another 18 years, yeash!

      • Very true. It did almost happen a couple of times. Now it is the OW problem (now his wife). They have 2 kids now. I guess time will tell on how successful this marriage will be. Sometimes I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall to listen how their life is.

  • I was on on the phone with X ten months after he left to “find himself”, trying to hammer out a separation agreement. I had taken a week of vacation to research, lay everything out for him according to provincial law. I didn’t want to spend a lot on lawyers (and shouldn’t have had to). The few times we had seen each other for coffee he swore up and down that there was no one else, and I believed him.

    I don’t know what happened that night. Suddenly in the middle of the conversation I said “are you seeing someone else?”. And as a reflex he said yes.

    I said “how long?” And it was almost like I could hear the calculation going on in his head during the long silence. He gave me a date a week after he moved out. Because of course once he moved out he wasn’t technically “married”, I suppose.

    I later found out that he had moved in with her the day he moved out of our family home, had met her on Match long before he decided ILYBINILWY, and that everyone but me knew, even my kids. Because he needed them to “respect his privacy” and not tell me. I suppose that he thought me negotiating the divorce was a kind of pick-me dance that he could string out indefinitely. He was wrong.

    I know now that there were others before this schmoopy, but I don’t care to find out any more about that. I have him out of my life which is the only thing that counts now.

    Fucktard.

  • Mine didn’t use a condom because he could tell by looking at her that she was clean, but her husband was such a scumbag, that he had to save her from him. Mine said that I would have liked her if I met her because she was nice! Gag. I said no, I wouldn’t like her as she was a whore and I don’t associate with whores, nor do I believe in their moral codes. He said she had morals and he did too. I said no you don’t, you are breaking mutliple commandments and that means you don’t have morals. He of course can’t understand why I still don’t trust him to this day and I told him because he still defaults to a lie even now, when the truth would keep him from getting in trouble, but the lie does every time! And he doesn’t want me to leave because what would it do to the boys?! Well when he got busted he wanted to leave and said the boys would be fine, they were resilient. How the worm has turned! Not

    • Isn’t their medical grade xray vision just astonishing??? Mine too was also able to give his pig a full STD work up with only his bionic eyes!!!

      Honestly, the further along in healing I get, the more I move from grief and bitterness about him toward disappointment and shame with myself for actually parading around and reproducing with someone so obviously…just not even a little genuinely intelligent!

      • Yep, I’m a nurse and even I don’t have that kind of eyesight, even after 25 years. Of course I have seen and heard it all in the nursing field. Never thought I would be living the jerry springer life! Lol. Unfortunately, CL wasn’t around 5 years ago, so I did the RIC and still regret it, but in the meantime, one wrong step and me and my child are gone! Of course after about 3 months, I no longer did the pick me dance, I gave him hell and continue to do so. For 5 years. But he is very aware that the shit will hit the fan if he does it again. Also Oklahoma also has a law against infidelity on the books, don’t know if they would file, but with his job, I could use it to get what I wanted in the divorce because being charged with it would get him in deep shit as he works for the government and has a security clearance. So he knows if he goes there, he is fucked and now realizes that I am crazy enough to have him charged and arrested with it. I am also better at tech than he is, so he knows better. If he doesn’t, well, let the games begin!!! Lol

  • STBX got up and left me in a puddle of tears on Valentine’s Day, three days after dday, when I was a super chump and begged him to stay and sleep with me. He said, “That wouldn’t be good for you.” I remember thinking he was trying to be LOYAL to her. Completely absurd.
    Also when I asked him to keep OW away from our son he said, “Of course!” Like I would know he would do the right thing for our kid that he cares so much about.

  • He is “not kicking me out” of the house he bought for “us” ten years ago. He’s “still good to me” because he pays the bills. Yea. While I work only part time so I can take care of HIS house and HIS kids while he screws around like apparently he’s done the whole eleven years of our marriage and now does publically telling everyone we are separated. Which we are not. But hey, he’s “good to me”. Asswipe.

  • I’ve never laughed so hard, gasped so much, and cried so freely, all at the same damn time, as reading this here today. Jiminy fucking cricket

  • Here’s another spin on a Cheaters view of honor….
    The XH was/still is I’m sure, Mr. Golf…addicted to that as well.
    He absolutely abhorred the cheating golfer and WOULD NOT play with a cheater.
    He had a good, life long friend who cheated at his game and won state tournaments cheating…
    X refused to play with him the last fifteen years.
    He made a big deal about it and was very vocal as well.
    So when the shit hit the fan here about his life long serial cheating in the marriage,
    I found this most amusing. You can cheat the IRS and cheat on YOUR WIFE
    But by God, the real measure of a man is if you cheat at your golf game!
    Just Amazing….what a scumbag.

  • arrghhh…. just reading this took me back. I’m 10 years out of that 21 year marriage. And I am MIGHTY – I Went back to school, have my own business, reclaimed my life from 4 autoimmune disorders and breast cancer. BUT reading this put me back in that freakn horrible mindset again. Its kind of like saying to someone: well – look at all those people being raped in Africa and getting HIV? My ex-husband was so good at minimizing, that after a while he didn’t even have to say those things to me anymore. Instead – I said them – to myself. I was very good at it. When I left him though I finally asked him: when you cheated on me on the weekend of our wedding (ohh yeah i still stayed 21 years…) why didn’t you tell me it was with a MAN? he said: “Oh that! …. are you still remembering THAT? its long over, and it was nothing”. What he didn’t realize is that I was NEVER allowed to talk about it or ask about it for 21 years. When he told me he cheated – he told me this: “I’ve told God, and now I’m telling you – just to let you know – but we are never talking about it”.21 years later I now know it was with a man and I know that that man had HIV and all sorts of drug problems. Also my ex-husband was diagnosed 10 years into our marriage with HepC (the first 6 years of our marriage he used drugs and disappeared for days at a time) which he blamed on a bad dentist. Oh yeah ! when I left him I asked him why we had not even touched each other in 11 years? (not even a kiss). He says: “well, you offended me”. HA!!! Now I look back at myself and shake my head – I came from a very abusive dysfunctional family and I was groomed for a man just like my ex-husband. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER again. Even dating after my divorce 10 years ago – they still turned up in my life. So I walked away from dating. I live a full life – and I have good friends that I trust. Every now and then I get a client who talks like these cheaters… and the beauty of your own business is you can send them on their way to a different practitioner. uh huh. I don’t think I will ever get closure from my ex-husband. He abandoned me, his 3 children (to this day) was remarried within 5 months….

  • Terren. I am Chump Lady’s husband. You okay, buddy? You write like you got drunk and taped crayons to your feet again. I can explain it for you, but I can’t understand it for you: a faithful marriage to an equal partner is one of life’s greatest joys. As the good book says, “like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” Aspire to be a better person and maybe you’ll figure it out. In the meantime, stay away from the vodka and Crayolas.

  • The last time we slept together he acted like I was repulsive. It was horrible. One of the most degrading experiences of my life. Seriously, it seemed like he wanted to throw up. At the time I couldn’t understand what was wrong, but later came to the conclusion that it made him sick to feel like he was cheating on his married AP with his wife. But I’d bet he believes he was being a good guy for even trying. So happy to have discovered that there are much better lovers out there than he was, especially after being told the problem was me for so many years. Ugh.

    • You just described events in my life with the cheater word for word. All the years he made me feel like I was less than what a wife should be.

    • Oh my god!! THIS! This was one of the things that even tipped me off to something being wrong between us! It was like he didn’t even want to touch me. And I immediately thought he must be cheating on me, but when I asked him what was up he said “I’m depressed. I’m confused. I don’t know what I want.” I had no idea about the cheating for another 2 months while I played the pick me dance after I had told him several times that if he didn’t want to be with me to just tell me, because I’m a big girl and can handle it. Of course, that would have meant giving up cake. I hate him so much.

      Seriously that was the most degrading and embarrassing experience of my entire life, especially in hindsight. I hate that he did that to me.

      • Yep, I think Cheaters love Cake. We always had sex, thing was it never grew more intimate, it grew more and more yuck. Made me feel like crap. Jumped into the shower afterwards and tried to wash it all off. My gut was def trying to communicate. Didn’t know there was someone else for a while. Yuck. Looking back that should have been another clue.

  • On D-day, when he was telling me all the places where they had sex, he held his head high and said “but I NEVER went inside her apartment”. Well, congratufuckinglations, asshole. Aren’t you an excellent human being.

  • ‘I never hit you’ ‘I never gave you a disease’ ‘ I only cheated with ONE person over six months ‘ (later discovered to be BS by our kid finding his vintage sexts)

    Funsie wunsies.

    It never isn’t bullshit with these ‘people’.

    • I got that too. When I told mine he was emotionally abusive he said “But I never hit you.” Yea, I bet inside he was smirking at how smart he was not to leave physical bruises.

      • I mentioned it my shrink, she said the easiest way to identify an emotional abuser/narcissist is by their saying exactly that. They know fine well what they do is abusive, and get off on it.

  • It’s interesting, cheater ex never came up with any “yeah buts”. He just acted like his douchebaggery was all just fine in the scheme of things. Gigantic sense of entitlement there.

    He was genuinely mystified when I declined his offer of meeting with his therapist after he (cheater ex) told me that he was thinking of killing my kids and I.Then he went around telling everyone that he was really trying and meanie lil ole me wasn’t even willing to meet him half way. Of course he neglected to inform them of the death threat. Just what a bitch Tessie was. Those were the same kind folks who first snubbed me and then were going to be pals after cheater ex committed his crime, checked out and finally stood revealed for the evil twit he really was. They were in turn mystified why I was so standoffish.

    There must be some kind of narc homing signal only picked up by other narcs, kind of like dogs smelling each others butts or something. As I look back. I swear there were a whole bunch of them in that (cough, cough) good christian church going crowd.

  • I don’t know and probably never will, but I suspect it’s this one:

    “Could they not bring themselves to cheat on their affair partners by sleeping with you? Did they go on a fuckfest weekend, but bring you back a nice trinket?”

    • Pig Fucker is in his late 20s, sexual prime, and has always been one who would gain an instant erection if it even simply rubbed briefly against the inside of his (cheater) pants. In the almost decade we had been together, obtaining nor maintaining an erection had EVER been even a hint of an issue.

      …..until early this past March when strangely twice in one week (and the only two times that week since he gave up trying after the second) he had a great deal of difficulty maintaining one during sex. I remember the experience raising a sick and disturbing concern with me but couldn’t imagine why.

      About two weeks later I discover skanky pig #2’s existence. When I put the pieces tigether, I was able to determine that he started up with the pig about 3 to 4 weeks prior to the erectial incidents. More interesting/disgusting/heart wrenching to learn was they had their “going steady” (committing to a relationship) talk within days of the incidents occurring and were already full on in wuvvy wuv once “limp week” rolled around!

      Yep!!! My Pig Fucker was so torn and distraught with guilt over “cheating” on his pig with his own wife that he literally couldn’t “keep it up” through out his attempted performances!!! I’ll have to ask one day how he handled that issue with the pig……because surely he had an even more difficut time keeping it erect with her with the all consuming guilt he must have had in my consideration!

      • Oh yeah, that happened to mine too. Poor little special snowfwake.
        I wasn’t supposed to talk about THAT in counselling lol

      • Co dependent chump, I’m an older lady in my fifties. I think most cheaters’ Erectile Dysfunction issues don’t have anything to do with us betrayed spouses. They start experiencing normal age related issues and blame it on the person they are with, not themselves. Just my theory. They have to try to add excitement by getting Strange, then that thrill wears off, and they have to chase New Strange. It’s a vicious cycle.

        • not Juliet — I have learned that one of the things that ED Doctors will ask is whether they are cheating because it turns out to be one of the leading causes of ED esp. for guys under 45. I wish I had know this before DD2 and hadn’t internalized it as being my fault.

          • That’s interesting about the ED doc, Moving Forward. I still don’t think the ED is actually related to the wife OR the cheating. It’s really only related to the man himself. Just my opinion. All this stuff is “self reported” so of course the guy is going to say ” I couldn’t get it up with my wife, so I had to cheat.,”. But no matter who he was with, he would have the ED, blame it on the woman, and cheat. Like chump Lady says, no one can be a smorgasbord of pussy, which is the real issue here.

            • Wow. The similarities. stbx started to have difficulties. He said it happened with ap as well. He was heavy into porn. Been into since he was a teen .yes foo issues. But now it has totally ruined him and his family. In the end he would want to put on porn to get him in the mood. I called him on it. He looked caught out and stopped that approach. Things got a little better but he is more into porn than he is into me. I can’t compete.

      • Oh, CodependentChump, I think we were married to evil, sexual deviant twins seperated at birth.
        Mine apparently had issues getting/staying hard for Troll Hobbit and then the issue crept its way into our sex life during the brief reconciliation phase.
        Now he just seems to gets his jollies with sex chat hotlines…maybe he grew tired of the embarrassment of his “little soldier” not working.
        Because I can still access pretty much whatever (last 4 of ssn and mothers maiden name will get you far), I checked his phone records (wanted to see if he’s really job searching) and confirmed he’s been calling the hotlines in the middle of the day. I called one, spoke to customer service, and was surprised to learn its all just socially-awkward weirdos like him, not actual sex operators. I would love to be a fly on the wall for those conversations…oh the hilarity.

  • My cheater’s BS moral code is that he was “trying to do right” by me. After almost 10 years and a child together, we got married and I moved across the country with our then two-year-old to be a stay at home mom. A month later he told me he was screwing the OW and had been since before we got married, I quit my job, sold my house, and moved far away from my family. He figured that as long as he was “trying to do right” by marrying and supporting me as a stay at home mom that a little affair on the side wouldn’t hurt anyone. As long as it stopped after we got married (it didn’t). Er, as long as it didn’t interfere with our home life (it did). Uh, as long as it made him happy (bingo!). I finally got him to backpedal on the “doing right by you” comment when I broke it down and asked him if he REALLY thought that moving our son and me across the country when he was fucking someone else was right for me. Maybe not, he decided. Brilliant.

    • I’m sorry you had to go through that. During my then-wife’s affair with your then-boyfriend (in the entire year before your marriage), I didn’t know your name or how to reach you. She only mentioned the state that you lived in with your and his son. During our arguments over her cheating and lying, if you did come up, she alternated between calling you his ex-girlfriend and current girlfriend.

      By the time I left her for good and filed for divorce early that autumn before your wedding, my one and only goal was to get her out of my life. Like you, I had quit by job and moved west across the country to be with my spouse (5 years earlier, plus 3 years pre-engagement). However, unlike you, we didn’t have children together, so I knew that I could make a clean break, despite the years invested.

      I didn’t even know your name until six months later, when I stumbled across your wedding website after your wedding, on a day when I was googling your husband’s name during the “satisfy my curiosity” phase of my divorce.

      And by then I didn’t have the latest information. I didn’t know that they were still together (after all, my skanky wife was pleading with me repeatedly to change my mind and not divorce her). During our discussions of finances/paperwork, she told me that her family and friends had helped her to get “back on the right track” or some other such nonsense. I didn’t believe her enough to stop the divorce, but I did believe her enough to think that she had ended her relationship with your boyfriend the prior autumn. So, I thought maybe he was trying to be an upstanding citizen. It didn’t seem my place to contact you about an affair that happened in the PAST.

      It wasn’t until you appeared here that I found out that I was wrong, and that the affair wasn’t in the PAST. My ex-wife managed to be both a serial cheater (she cheated on every boyfriend she had prior to marrying me [yes, I spackled]) and then a homewrecker after her chump husband left her.

      So…2 people who’ve cheated on every person they’ve ever been with are still together…2.5 years and counting. Which one do you think will cheat first?

  • I found out my husband of 23 years was cheating because our 20 year old daughter caught sight of a smoochy text message between the two of them. Daughter played CSI and discovered exactly who the woman was and then agonized over it for two weeks before coming home from college one weekend just to tell me about it. When I asked him how he felt about the fact our daughter saw the evidence, his answer: “I’m disappointed.” That’s it? Saying “complete shit” would’ve been more appropriate. But he doesn’t swear…good guy that he is.

    The evidence, by the way…all the x’s and o’s…just meant they were “talking.” You know, “talking,” like a couple of teenagers.

    One night a month later, in a fit of rage over an email I found, in a scene similar to Jack Nicholson losing his cool on the stand in a “A Few Good Men,”, I finally got him to admit it was more than just talking. But, of course…it was only ONCE, a long time ago.

    Well, geez, my bad for being so upset and using the word fuck a thousand times over as an adjective whilst screaming at you.

  • Idiot dragged our 10 yr old kid on a number of dates. He attempted to burn our child’s mind by acting surprised by seeing Tweeny there “what a coincidence!” Of course denied that there was anything sexual she was a waitress that happen to work in the area. Then it turned into she was stuck and needed a ride. Called me crazy and said” OMG ! Really?/Really? She is a kid ! Come one! I am just helping her out!
    When the cat was officially out of the bag…he told me that I should be HAPPY that our daughter and Tweeny got along so well. She is a really nice person! And he would never bring our kid around someone who wasn’t decent!
    Did I mention that Tweeny and my daughter are only 8 years apart?

    • My disordered fuckwit fell in love with a girl 6 years older than our son, but he told me she was REALLY mature for her age

    • Oh yes, this!!!

      He denies it, but I know that he has taken our daughter during his visits with her out with his little slut and her two little kids.

      Such a family guy to her, but can’t spend a minute with our daughter except for his weekend visits, bitch cookie!!!

  • Mine used to sit on his unemployed ass playing video games all day, neglecting his responsibilities and his family. Told me he was doing me a favor by doing that, cause he was obviously not screwing around since he was home all day. Gee…..Thanks.

    • Of course, the RIC tends to infer that the betrayed person is the one that sits on their unemployed ass playing video games, neglecting family and responsibilities: “What did you do to cause your spouse to stray? How were you not meeting his/her needs?”

      Of course, we here at chump nation know how these things play out in real life …

  • In the middle of the shitstorm of our divorce, when he was lying during depositions, hiding hundreds of thousands of dollars in his sister’s accounts, doing his campaign tour that excoriated all my shortcomings to our “friends,” and maligning me to the kids, my godmother and aunt died.

    He sent me an email the subject: “Time Out.” The message expressed his joy in being able to be such a good guy to her during our marriage. No sorry. No condolences. Just a self-congratulatory note he could tell everyone he wrote to express his feelings about her.

    When I didn’t reply, he sent the venom.

    He’s never been able to keep the mask on for any amount of time after I called it quits.

  • He claims he never fucked both of us on the same day because “it wouldn’t have been right.” Oh, and they refrained from it on my birthday every year, despite the fact the the initial online affair started that day. Abstaining on their “anniversary” demonstrates great respect for me, doesn’t it?

  • So asswipe sent his ex-gf a text that I discovered while flipping through his phone during sex. It said “I love you (name). I really love you.” Now come on, I understand love for a previous partner and respect it. But this bullshit declaration ain’t cute or fuzzy feeling. It’s downright despicable. Call me crazy, but a marriage is built on trust, including sexual and emotional exclusivity. I only wish I had held off confronting him and saved my anger til I managed to secure the evidence. But being that the fuckface really is incapable of love, we’ll just let him have her! I hope every woman he meets from now on has the balls to beat him at his own game! Psychopaths are overrated, really. The people who survive and expose them are the ones worth studying!!!

  • Oh, and OW was shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, to discover that she was not his only shmoopie. He CHEATED on her and LIED to her and BETRAYED her, and she was SOOOOOO hurt by that, because he gave her a ring and made her promises and told her he loved her. Yes she knew he was a lying cheater, but she was special!

    And I know all this because she poured her poor little heart out in the public forum on which she was stalking me.

        • Kristen,
          That is how I get my laughs about the OW too. She blogs daily about their “family life” trying to make it all sound so fabulous…when in fact the cheap, tacky life they lead is obvious to anyone. She writes reviews of trailer parks and junk food. It’s not humor, she’s actually serious, and seems to think that scoring a free night in a cheap hotel (to write a review) is going to gain her something.

          I wasn’t at all surprised when a crisis erupted recently…OW went offline for a week, then re-emerged as a chump…one in a long line for the Ex. Her self pity blogs are classics. I could have told her that, in fact, I actually think I did at one point say to her…don’t you think he’ll cheat on you if he cheated on me with you? Her attitude was “ahm special”

          They are trying the reconciliation thing, but in a Jerry Springer way, being interviewed about it all. I wonder if it’s not just a ploy for blog attention. Anyway in the end it’s just a non-profit drama which a couple of penniless, skill-less people have resorted to for a few bucks.

          They’ve suddenly become hyper religious too. He had no spiritual side at all when with me. Constantly moralising in a hugely naive way, she claims to be carrying a huge load of guilt for all the wrongs she’s done…then proceeds to slag off anyone in her path. Her favorite pass time is customer service complaints…a great way to make enemies.

          I laughed when I found one of those sites that name and shame tacky bloggers. She was front and centre, with dozens of posters making fun of her site. I swear I am not one of them, just a reader.

          • I met with the last one I knew of. She near fell out of her chair when I told her that she was not the first nor would she be his last. I was surprised. How could she think otherwise? But oh well. Everyone he screwed was involved with someone else. It is as if he likes them unavailable. His cheating with this last one was my fault too cause I told him to do what he wanted to do. Clearly he wanted to cheat. When he left he said that his leaving was my decision. I wanted to burst out laughing with the absurdity of it all. I thought he had to be kidding . Who the hell thinks like that? Now I know. He even said he thinks he is bi polar. Whatever it is he is something.

  • I got an anonymous letter about the second OW. Ex figured out it was OW’s boyfriend so he confronted him and told him, “Leave my wife alone,” while he fucks the guy’s girlfriend. They nearly got into a fight at the gym over the letter. My knight in shining armor. (Gag). So glad to get rid of the weirdo.

  • Oh, and here’s another! He did tell me before we ever got married that he cheated on his pregnant wife but excused himself saying “but she wouldn’t talk to me, I tried”. Oh boo hoo hoo. Don’t we all just wanna give the guy a hug because it just so happens that his (2nd, I’m 3rd) wife refused to talk to him while she was pregnant given his abusive behavior. Alas, doesn’t he get permission to cheat? Isn’t he a little deserving of mercy because she wouldn’t engage with his sorry ass. Now she has his kid to deal with. I’m just thankful it wasn’t me. 🙂 toodles!

  • My ex-cheater married his AP and didn’t have her and her kids move in or do any overnights (at least around my kids) until they were married. I think he felt it not only legitimized their relationship (“Hey– I married her! We were meant to be! I really love her, and that’s why I had to cheat on you with her!”) but that they were being “honorable” in their cheating. I mean, she didn’t sleep over until she was Mrs. Ex-Cheater, so regardless of how they got together, it’s all good because he put a ring on it. Then, when I went as NC as possible and made it plain that I didn’t want to be her BFF or even meet her, I think he was totally indignant. I mean, they’re married– I’m supposed to think that makes everything okay and have them all over for Sunday dinner!

    He truly doesn’t get it– he really thinks that he’s made it all better and that I’m just a bitch who can’t get over my selfish anger. He truly does not think of either himself or the Owife as toxic people that I just don’t want to have in my life, and if I weren’t chained to him through our children, I would never communicate with him in any way ever again. He thinks that now that the dust has settled, I should want to be their friend and play happy extended family with them. Crazy!

    • I’m sorry to hear you got stuck with such a noody nitwit (I tend to make up words). Best of luck to you putting up those healthy boundaries! You are in no way obliged to like or communicate with Satan’s ring wearer. 😉

  • My stbx fucked prostitutes while we were married but seems to want some credit for NOT fucking any now that we are separated and live in different countries!!!! Who the f*ck cares????

  • Oh, where to begin?!?!?!

    The Evil One’s general statement about his OWhore’s has always been “…I have only ‘talked’ to other women…the ‘worst’ I’ve done is kiss [slut], wow-wee…I have had plenty of time/opportunity/chances to cheat on you, but I haven’t…” Oh, honey- here’s your bitch cookie!!!!

    Since he refuses to acknowledge his true evil deeds, I have no clue of the depths of his cheating, yet he refuses to accept the fact that all of his time, talking to, texting, Facebook-ing, Instagram-ing, Snap Chat-ing with these other women is considered cheating in my book.

    • Absolutely Molly!!!! The past 5 years or so my stbx started flirting A LOT and calling other women ‘baby’ all the time. I told him I didn’t appreciate it and was even told “Well you better get used to it cuz it’s gonna happen.” (That was after coming home from a pool tournament and a girl playing pool has stbx come over – pick her up with his arms wrapped around her – cracked her back – put her down – kissed her on the lips. Yes – I witnessed that, told him I really didn’t appreciate it, but was told to get used to it. WTF???? Then when my son had found out about stbx’s sexting phone line (and I was still unaware of it) asshole became an even bigger asshole – knowing the end was soon. Anyway he would SCREAM at me and accuse me of just off the wall shit and I was like, “What the fuck is wrong with you???” Then I got an email one day – with some stupid ass accusations and he said that some girl from pool asked him to come over and play pool, but he said no. OMG – like I was supposed to be so fucking proud of him for refusing to go to her place and play pool? The only thing I thought was of course some chick is asking you to come over and play pool you asswipe. The way you have been flirting and making a damn fool of yourself – ya, I don’t doubt it a bit. And quite a few of these women pool players are whores.