Arts and Crafts for Cheaters
Just riffing on yesterday’s post, “What Else” Can Cheaters Do? I thought Chump Nation might answer the question.
By golly, the poor sausages didn’t know how to spend their time and distract themselves! I know on those rainy days at camp, we used to sit inside and make lanyards. Sad cheaters, stuck in their sodden, unsatisfying marriages need some arts and crafts too. I think we should offer a few suggestions.
Scrapbooks for their dick pics?
Needlepoint slut cozies?
Best suggestion gets a Meh mug.
This picture comes from LordvonSchmitt at Etsy who makes men’s shorts out of recycled afghans. I think these would make an awesome gift for the cheater or Other Man in your life. Buy some today!
My X has taken to bringing a colouring book with him when our daughter goes to the oncology clinic. In the 20 years I have know him I have know him to do craft. WTF?
Mandala coloring books are the newest latest and greatest thing for those attempting to find mindfulness through meditation. Don’t ask how I know… Smfh…
I have a big stack of grown-up coloring books, mostly mandalas, and an oversize box of Prismacolor colored pencils. I love to color when I have time, usually after finishing work for the day. Very relaxing.
I’m over here waving too. It is soothing and a nice entry into creativity for someone who doesn’t have much in that department.
Thankful, I thought I was the only chump who experienced being cheated on while having a daughter going through cancer treatment. My heart goes out to you and hope she is well.
Chumpion I bet he used it as an excuse to cheat. My 19 year old son broke his neck surfing at the beach. And my husband became a “Father of a Quadraplegic” and this trauma caused him along with a Miriad of other excuses to cheat apparently. Subsequent evidence proved he was cheating 4 years before that in various ways.
Funny the same experience didn’t cause me to cheat!!!!
My child fell seriously ill a few months after full disclosure and confession. I resent that I went into a heartbreaking situation with a broken heart. I was so shattered I feel like I let my child down by not being the badass kick ass rock star he deserved. Being in that hospital taught me that illness doesn’t fucking care who you are, it just plows through families regardless. What an equalizer. Stay strong. We get to try to accept 2 unacceptable things at the same fucking time.
He can make a macramé replica of his junk using paper from nudie magazines
Paper mache! I don’t even know my crafts, lol!
Does it come with a magnifying glass???
HA!!! That one has my vote!
Never known him to do craft
I remember seeing a hand knit dick warmer once. Maybe if the male cheater had a nice dick cozy he would not feel compelled to stick it in other places!
A hole in the wall would satisfy many of them.
Sorry it’s not clever or witty but his latest hobby seems to be taking pics of his kids for social media “look I’m a great dad!!!… Honest”
Does anyone remember Ted Baxter, the narcissist anchorman on Mary Tyler Moore? Didn’t he give 8×10 photos of himself for gifts?
X likes to show up for our sons’ important events, get a photo of himself with them, then gives an 8×10 Dollar Tree framed photo home as gifts for them to display… in MY home.
“Yep! This proves I’m awesome Dad with my son at Disney World!”
“Look how awesome I am at my son’s graduation!” (The photo was all the boys got for graduation from their father).
“Check out this awesome photo of me and my sons at my sister’s Christmas Eve party!”
They all end up face down in the bottom of a drawer, and then eventually glass broken and crumpled in the trash. And not because of me. It seems that none of our kids want any reminders that dear old dad only shows up for photo ops now.
My ex gave me an 8×10 Glamour Shot photo of himself for my birthday once. This was back in the early 90s, when Glamour Shots was still around, of course.
Mine too!
Only mine used to tell me how bad it was to put pics of the kids on Facebook because it would entice child predators to come kidnap them.
OMG, You too!!!! Then I heard about a picture he posted with Schmoopie and her two kids, so next time he said something about me posting pics of our child on my Facebook page, I retorted with, “Oh! But it’s OK for Schmoopie and you to take and post pics of you two and HER kids??? Oh, my!!! Better warn her of the dangers of the predators!!!” He shut up after that!!!!
Same here! He sees the girls, what…but a whole two minutes, and he spends it snapping ONE selfie with them and plasters it on fakebook for all to see. Of course, then he gets praises of how wonderful he is! Sickening!!!
Yup!
I’m doing all sorts of things with my boys now. I post an occasional photo to one of my Facebook albums. I’ll get a few likes, usually one from my ex as she stalks my page. She’ll do the most mundane things and tag my boys in her post but will get lots of likes and comments from her friends and family.
Then, she’s taken to post bombing the boys’ pages with lots of crap and made up stories.
Impression management on their end, that’s all it is. Mundane to me equals they’re trying too hard. We know it, they know it. And anyone who is a fan of her posts is nothing short of being as narcissistic as she is. Hang in there ChumpDad, we know our truths. 🙂
It’s so disappointing to see that they use the kids in EVERY which way possible so that they can look good and maintain that façade of how great they are. My heart aches for my girls when he puts them in that situation…
I wish I could block and/or delete him from my life just like I did on fb!!! ???
Oh, Your X has a fakebook life too.
Facebook. Love it.
I wrote Fakebook! Damn spellcheck.
I like Facebook for them better. None of the shit they post is real anyway.
Fakebook….damn auto correct. Lol
Funny, cause I used to refer to my Ex’s Schmoopie as a dick warmer!
How about a 50 piece puzzle compiled of cheaters’ selfies? I don’t think they are mentally capable of doing a 1000 piece puzzle yet. It would make them frustrated and we all know what they might do then….cheat!!!! What else?
BWAHAHAHAA…in The Evil One’s case, he’d be able to put together a 5,000-piece puzzle of all of his selfies he’s posted!!!! Then again, commitment to such a monstrous task may overwhelm him and frustrate him, so he’d give up after the first 5 pieces, LOL
The pieces are much too small in a 1000 piece puzzle. They’d never be able to finish it – leading to the frustration as you say and can only therefore lead to cheating…. Yes Seeking… I can see it now.
My ex wants an “I’m so AWESOME!” t-shirt, maybe she and other cheaters should take up silk screening?
Ex’s hobby was boasting about himself and expressing himself with anger and frustration. And how many ways can he fondle the remote.
Maybe he could spend his time designing a dick-shaped remote: kill two birds with … or ONE bird …
Good one chacha!!
How about a hobby to occupy their time and distract their mind from the ball and chain holding them back from reaching their full potential? I suggest hog wrestling – the pig my husband picked proved he’s into rolling around with swine.
Oh wait! How about making Magic Lie Balls – like a Magic 8 Ball, but you shake it to reveal what oh so creative lie you should tell your spouse to account for you being absent from your family’s life. ‘Working late’, ‘hanging out with the guys’…
LOL in The Evil One’s case,, his magic ball would need a 12-15 face tile for all the different lies he STILL swears by!!!
YES my favorite. Totally…. of course there could only be like 8 lies that they have to rotate through between me, the kids and his family because he keeps saying the same old lame script of nothing ORIGINAL! Stupid unoriginal bastard fuck.
The lie ball is a good idea but the XBF had far more inventive than the usual suspect excuses. He was the most devious asshole imaginable. He couldn’t possibly be limited to what the “common everyday liar’s excuses” encompass.
One of his “I won’t be home this evening” ploys was he was working with a Catholic charity, taking food to those in need. Since when does charity work take place during the evening, much less extend into the wee hours of the morning?
HaHa. Mine’s final excuse while we were in “wreckonciliation” and he wasnt home in the morning when was living in the guest house… “I’m at a breakfast meeting with my big client and the Vice President of Silicon National Bank”. Except it was a Sunday, and Monday was Martin Luther King Day. I would have believed him if he hadn’t added the Banker B.S. Can you say busted? Thats the first I learned of Schmoopie. No dancing, I was DONE.
My x started his affair with his coworker about 3 months after we’d bought our first home together. First big hurricane of the season was about 2 hours from making landfall when x takes off “to secure the office equipment – an office emergency!!!!”
Of course a year later when I discovered their affair, his ow took great joy in telling me how touched she was that he went to her apartment, well, she lived with her mom, so, he went to her mom’s and her apt, to ride out the hurricane with her. Ugh. I got to spend the whole 24 hours of trees falling in our yard, no electricity, no phone, dog freaking out, and shit flying at the boarded up windows, alone and worried sick and not able to call to see if my husband and his office were ok or alive. Very nice.
Oh my God, UC!!! That is just AWFUL!!! I got sick in my stomach when I read that!!
That story made me sick to my stomach, so sorry UC, and yes, good riddance.
They’re just so sure we’ll be there for them, and then they go off to woo and care take other people. Good riddance to him, UC.
UC- The audacity and cruelty of these freaks is just incomprehensible…unless you’ve been there. Big Hugs to you and your mightiness!
WTF?! How horrific of him to leave you to fend for yourself! Good to be rid of the asshole!
OMG I am so sorry..thats awful. I understand.
OMG, UC, what a jerk!
This is a good one!
That’s good!
Following
Conscience proof, spouse retardant camouflage underwear to cover their asses.
Haha, like superpower underoos for cheater liars. Perfect, LoopDaLoop, hahahaha!
This one kills me! PERFECT!
Speaking of camouflage, the stbx became a ‘war afficianado’ & began buying model tanks in order to fix them up & sell. The ‘hobby’, I realize now, was his attempt at controlling his shitty serial cheating behavior. He’d hide in the basement instead of spending time with the kids & me. On the weekends he’d meet with other weirdos & they’d drive their remote control models around and shoot bbs at each other. After spending thousands of dollars which he never recouped, the desire to cheat won out over those tanks. I’d like to take one of those tanks & drive it into his & sunshine’s bedroom and shoot bbs at his disgusting hairy ass and his new dickwarmer. Stupid fucktard
My Ex was always reading on his Kindle Fire. Yeah sure! A quick look at the history showed him on FaceBook with Schmoopie and online looking at Porn! Reading my behind!!! And this was during false reconciliation. He assured me he wasn’t in contact with his side piece! Guess he thought I was just that stupid! That in and of itself was so insulting, but served me well in my divorce! Now his Schmoopie had better be checking his electronics! Lord he is a dumbass!
Ah, yes the new electronic age. My Ex started an “online diary” which he accessed from his laptop while ensconced in his lazy boy, also right in front of me. He would type away like a mad man. Believe me, his life was not that interesting. Online diary turned out to be code for his private video sex chat sessions with his “girlfriend who he loved with all of his soul.” She charged him $4.99 a minute for the privilege. Yup, thousands and thousands of dollars of true love.
His new hobby appears to be intensely love bombing his new victim, I mean girl friend, to prove to her, her friends and family and all of Facebook what a great man he is. At least this one is in real life.
Needlepoint “thou shalt not commit adultery” on all the throw pillows.
Make quilts out of their collection of women’s clothes used for cross dressing.
Print out their dating site profiles and make collages/wish boards.
Shake out the glitter from their strip club clothes and make Christmas ornaments.
Melt down their wedding band and sculpt a penis idol since that’s what they worship anyway. It would be a small penis but if the shoe fits…. 🙂
Lol!
Genital Bedazzling so they’ll be sparkly for each new conquest.
Bedazzling is a constant theme in our house when ridiculing crafts bc Mother Asshat owns a complicated computerized embroidery machine and bedazzles crap. She arrives tomorrow, possibly with scary personalized garbage for Little Elf.
Now she can offer to bedazzle her son ; ).
They have no boundaries in that family. Either she would pretend to disown him out of anger or, more likely, she would assume I am horrible and side with him. I am glad I will be rid of her one day soon! Bipolar, hypocritical, delusional, narcissistic drama queen.
I’ve heard that’s really a thing. Ewwwww!
You’re kidding! I would Google it, but I’m scared.
The proper search term is “Vajazzling” (Ick!). And yes, don’t look at that at work.
Carmella–If you google it (in images), DON’T do it at work. (I did just as someone walked into my office; never clicked off a browser so fast in my life).
Ok, I Googled it. I…just…..ugh……really? Hello Kitty?
I must lead a very sheltered life. Another excuse for cheaters: “If you really loved me, you’d spell out my name in Swarovski crystals across your lady parts.”
Might have a winner here already. Genital bedazzling is going to be hard to top.
How would someone place that job description on their CV for future employment prospects?
I have to say…. That picture (people sporting afghan shorts) is a little disturbing.
I know; my first question is Why?
What?! I love those shorts!
I about died laughing when I turned off my alarm and pulled up CL this morning. I had a beloved poncho that looked like those shorts. Two shades of purple and white. Of course i was 8….
I think so too. Where does she find this kind of stuff anyways? Either way it’s entertaining!
I just think they ought to pierce their genitals and run a chain that attaches the two together! Makes sense to me, after all it could be a testament to their Twu Wuv and the very FIRST thing they both had in common! Ha! Ha! Then the whole world can “see” how committed they are to each other’s so-called happiness (or their happy place)!
Lol! That’s good, my STBX’s OW already has tons of piercings so it wouldn’t surprise me if she already has a genital piercing, so my STBX could get one and the chain to go with it! The OWhore is also covered in tattoos, so they could get matching tattoos also (my STBX has zero tattoos, so what a wonderful new experience for them and a great way to express their “true love”)!
Self Improvement Lists for Others
Required skills: blameshifting, lack of empathy, shifting standards, entitlement, never satisfied, lack of self knowledge or character
I think my ex knitted all the time because she was already expert at the items you’ve listed. And yet I still miss her and think of the relationship as life-affirming and comforting. Be right back… gotta bang my head against a wall to hopefully knock something back into alignment.
I feel ya which way I feel the same. I will always love the man I met, fell in love with and married 27 years altogether and I will always miss him but he died and someone completely different appeared. My love went to work one morning and some lying confaluted asswipe came home late that night over two years ago. Him I can’t the sight of. He is not the same. The man I married is not the man I’m divorcing. Me marry again. Never gonna happen I’ll not throw myself to the demons again. Fine for others not for me. I’m 60 now too old for teenage drama games and bullshit. Everyone who tries to own me, control me, tell me what I should and should not do including asswipe who still thinks he can run my life has been kicked to the curb including members if my own family. Fuck them, fuck him and fuck the whore. This lady flies solo.
I hear ya.. No thanks.
How about an Inflatable Wife for them to enjoy, so they don’t have to cheat? The Inflatable Wife could be designed to expand when you put a ring on its finger, so it’s closer to how a real life wife works.
Or you could be like the X and cut the ring off and end up with a pig
Oh you are such a hoot, Gdmmt. Like everyone can stay as ‘in shape’ like yourself while interacting in the real world like a normal person would. (PS: Round might be a shape, but its an unhealthy one, dickhead. At least our overweight chumps have character which makes them attractive (and might have a bit of a muffin top because they actually lived their lives), whereas you have fuck-all going for you).
Fuck off.
Gdmmt, is that finally you?! Dude. What a totally snapalicious comeback! Why’d you change your name? That was soooooOoooooo fucking clever! #imaybefatbutyouareugly
Yes – the blow up doll. “Oh baby I love you…you are so beautiful” (Inflate) “I’m gonna go out and fuck some whore” (deflate). Yep – just like the real thing!
I don’t think PutARingOnit meant that in a chump friendly way.
And then there’s the Cheater blowup doll. As soon as you touch it, it blows up to twice its size in self-importance, hurls insults, and the man part deflates.
Awesome!
Neither did I…..
My ex has a prince albert piercing, hoping the new and shiny schmoopie has braces that accidentally get stuck and rip that thing out.
hahah Fuck yeah. Nasty!
My X’s hobbies……(If only the following could be displayed in public at a local craft fair)
-Selfies
-Lies
-Porn
-Second hand clothes shopping.
-Reading books in the bath with a glass of wine.
-Texting
-Porn
-Shaving his junk.
-Shaving his legs.
-Selfies
-Texting
-Porn
-Waxing his eyebrows
-Blow jobs from random guys.
-Claiming a committee meeting, but actually going to dinner with his latest crush.
-Selfies
-Porn
-Joining a soccer team so he can flirt with the opposition on the field.
-Going to French car rally days.
-Digging weeds out of the back lawn by hand for hours.
Oh did I mention selfies, texting and porn.
Why not put all that newly man-scaped body hair to good use? Pubic hair mod podge? Spin it into pub-wool and knit beer cozies with it? Magnetize it and make your own Wooly Willy toys to give as gifts. If you don’t remember the Wooly Willy, here it is: http://www.amazon.com/Smethport-Wooly-Willy-Original-Toy/dp/B00BT92SB0/ref=sr_1_1?s=toys-and-games&ie=UTF8&qid=1442589739&sr=1-1&keywords=wooly+willy
Ooh, ooh..this gave me an idea:
Brazilian-shave Barbie and Manscaping Ken dolls (with wax strips). You can trim them in their privy parts, then turn a knob and they sprout more hair, to be waxed and trimmed again.
DoneNow–that is hysterical! I’ll never look at one of those toys the same way again.
Oh I forgot he also likes to collect match box cars.
He waxed his eyebrows and got bro-jobs ?…dang… as soon as you think you have heard it all. I would be “thankful” to be rid of him too. Good on you.
No wonder your screen name is Thankful! Holy shit….. ROCK on Thankful!! You are way better than that disturbing shit.
I think the strap on from the Movie Seven would be the best arts and crafts they could use. LOL!
Late H had plenty of hobbies, he was an upscale outdoorsman…not like the MN dentist that killed Cecil, mine like to hike and fish and spend absurd amounts of money on gear to look cool when he was doing his outside stuff.
His angst came from living in the burbs while he wanted to be in the Tetons, so to salve his angst, he spent more suburban money (bugger house, newer cars) thereby firmly shackling himself to his suburban corporate existence which he blamed me for.
When he retired from the military, he got a job at the pinnacle of the outdoor gear universe…if you think that narc pricks buy this shit, you should hang with the ones who sell it. Just getting this job was a narc kibble bonanza.
Pesky detail that the minute he got the job, he had JUST decided to retract a “Im divorcing you for sure for my twu wuv coworker” speech and assured me that we were in authentic wreckonciliation”. He never asked me to move to Calif. fron DC with him but when he got there, he told me I was a bad wife for not having already done it. (clever mindfuck I would have never thought of) Funny thing about a long era of cheating is that you forget that married husbands/fathers sortakinda remember they have families when they consider cross country moves.
So he moved to NoCal with a new SUV stocked with new golf clubs and a new bike …he got an apt on the beach and bought a new leather sofa and flat screen tv. Hobby heaven for a cheating narc. He became a wine snob and got really fat.
I had kids to raise, a house to keep and a job to tend…I cant dive in too far on my job lest I lose my anonymity, but imagine the hardest job on earth complete with pain and death and blood and misery for all involved. That was a red letter era in the life of this Unicorn.
So here is a fun detail…I was never quite as outdoorsy and MrCheater, but I marginally held my own…I was forever berated for my incapacity in this area….BUT OW…the main one, not the preliminary work-fucks, well, she COULDNT SWIM OR RIDE A BIKE!! I looked like Mrs Grizzly Adams compared to MS Adultress.
So I was so deep in denial, that I BELEVED him when he said that he was broken up with OW even though she conveniently got a job in the SF area at the same time he got his. She left her trusting fiance in Seattle. I dont know if she lived at his place all the time or just visited, but when I was there, all traces of her were fully erased. After 18 months of that, he moved back home and telecommuted until the economy crashed and his position was eliminated.
and back in our suburban house in DC, one day he was reflecting on his “bad moment” (which lasted for years) and he tells me he feels good about the fact that he “never left me” (he also felt really good that he “never told people” he fully intended to divorce me and start a new family with his adultress…there seemed for him nobility in having kept that a secret.). He was delusion-fueled.
My son wont let me give either set of deahusbands fucking golf clubs away. My new husband wont get rid of his deaddads and deadgrandpas clubs…yes Im fully annoyed with a full row of deadmens golf clubs in a household with nary a golfer. My middle son is a hippy and drives one of the outdoorsy scrotumobiles H bought.
Im finding contentment in my new life where my new husbands idea of “outdoor hobby” is going to an Oktoberfest in Germany…our plane leaves in 11 hours.
Mister Orvis.
Know this type of douchebag. Similar to Mister / Mistress Harley. The dude/dudette that must somehow reclaim their self-perceived mid-life coolness via a crotch rocket. These are not serious life long cyclists. These are the people who hit 40 or 50yrs old, grow a soul patch and drop wads on a souped up motorcycle.
Yes, you are right…at heart they are no different than people who discover a midlife love for Harleys, but they fancy themselves as much better than the great unwashed who go that route. It would, however, be totally uncool to actually wear the clothing from the company they work for, so they crank it up a notch and all wear—> http://www.napapijri.com/us/ which no one has ever heard of so the $200 per sweatshirt is really lost on us regular folk.
He was Fred Flintstone when I met him…normal guy…I will never forget our 20th anniversary, he flew in from CA and we had dinner where he informed me (after sufficient sniffing and spitting) that all the wine sold in my vicinity was crap. That whole era was as bizarre and surreal and you could possibly imagine.
PROST! Viel Spass zum Oktoberfest!
THANKS !! Ive never been to Germany before and my heritage (as well as my new last name) are German, so its time. I hope Im the Pied Piper of post-chumpdom fun…laugh, live, find something really fun to do !!! we are mighty !
My ex is a Private Dick, he sleuths co-worker conversations searching for a clue that they might be willing to have adulterous sex. Yes, I know that solving the mystery of who will be his next conquest is more of a hobby – but trust me, he’s refined investigating fresh hoochie into an art form. He’s also mastered the craft of juggling several ho-workers at a time.
How about fingerpainting ? For the emotional toddlers.Then chumps can send the masterpiece to schmoops to proudly display on the fridge.
They could have spent some time studying the art of saying “no” , but we all know now that they couldn’t pass up the opportunity that they imagined could be a thousand times better than the faithful spouse they had at home! These fucktards gambled on a fantasy and lost! Of course, we the chumped learned the magic in the word NO and when properly applied to our cheating spouses in a divorce, we found out how valuable that little word can be! A cheaters favorite “magic” word…..IF! Trips them up every time!
I think mine should have crocheted pasties for his whore. It would have made the pictures at least funny while they were mortifying!
Perhaps an origami secret phone holder, or weaving a wallet for that marital money to be spent on the affair, or finger paint your feelings (wait that’s just a blank piece of paper)
A t-shirt for me that says “My husband went to Hawaii and all I got was herpes”, or hand painted buttons made from Cialis?
winner, winner, chicken dinner chumpalicious2!
I encouraged his hobby. Even went so far as to make sure we relo’d to an area nearby a top ranking mens acapella chorus. Glad he and the MOW could travel all over the US and Canada for their singing fuckfests. Woot.
Other than that, his other hobby is the manufacturing of DRAMA! Because without the MOW to create high deceit and tension, something else must be stirred up to get that adrenaline rush.
Chumpalicious2, now I really think you are on to something! Love that t-shirt idea. It has my creative juices flowing!
Dont know what would replace the ‘urge to merge’ in Idiot but if there was a craft he could replace cheating with and get the same high….it would be one of those charts that they use in kindergarten … The kind that the teacher placed a star in the column next to the acheivement so everyone in the classroom could see.
Used my words * gold star
Kept my dick to myself * gold star
Didnt touch things that were not mine* two gold stars
Everyday validation that they are a fucking star!
…..and if there was a craft or skilled that he has developed since cheating its ‘ MANSCAPING’ like the Edward Scissorhands of Cheaterville.
TheClip: Bitch cookies in table form? I like it! 😀
Mine was into manscaping as well. Even continued to do it after Dday, which tipped me off that he was still cheating. Well, I don’t have hard proof that he was still manscaping, just the fact that he was always scratching his junk, and the huge wad of hair that he thought he’d flushed down the toilet.
Ahhhh… The Optical Inch. Cheaterpants is proficient at that too.
Let’s see, what else could my cheater have been doing….
It has to fulfill his needs, would be great if it contributed to the household income, and bonus pounts if it makes the world a better place. Tall order, but he had some unique skills so I’m sure we can figure out something.
He could be that person that jacks off bulls for the cow-insemination industry.
He could be that person that inspects really tight sewer pipes.
He could be that person who stress-tests vacuum pumps (ok that one is a bit of a stretch..because he sucks so bad, get it)
Any case, that’s THREE interviews in one DAY, which is 300% more work than he’s ever done, so he’s going to need a nap after
How about a game of Cheater Clue? You know, sort of like a group sex cheater house party. So it could be Colonel Mustard in the library with the anal beads. Or Miss Scarlett in the BDSM dungeon with the remote-controlled orgasmatron.
WINNER!!!!
Cheater Clue-by-4 lol
LOVE THIS!
There’s always Make Your Own Anal Beads. They could make them in holiday and seasonal colors. Maybe jingly ones for Christmas, pastels for spring. They could sing the Star Spangled Banner while using red white and blue ones on the 4th of July. Should help them hit that high note.
That’s a great entry too Carmella1722!
Mine told me there was a company that could use his dick to make a mold of a dildo and recreate it so I could “be with him when he wasn’t there” . Perhaps he can recreate his dick to hand out to all of the hoes he hooked up with “for when he isn’t there”. PS…if I wanted a dilod, it would be a tad bit bigger and harder than he is. Gag. #sorrynotsorry
Cloning a dick would be useful for the X. He could send away for a replica of his favorite porn stars and tell whore this was what he wished he had. One can dream.
Yep. There’s actually a DIY kit called “Clone-a-Willy” (please do not ask me how I know). SO glad that bit of ‘buyer’s remorse’ stayed in the original wrapping. Can you even imagine trying to get your money back after the fact? lololol
I’ve read this thread all day and laughed my ass off, which is so much better than the alternative. Looking back now, I wonder how anyone could’ve been so blind. Yet, I was. First gift from POS ex? A burned porn DVD. Gosh, how romantic! In the first few 2 months of dating, he took me to a sex exhibition called ‘Taboo.’ He said, “I want to explore my sexuaIity.” At the time, I didn’t know what that actually meant.
What I tell myself now is that, if you’ve never heard of a particular disease, all the symptoms could be staring you right in the face and you’d still never recognize them. I don’t know whether or not to be grateful that it all makes sense now.
OMG Nolagirl, how did I miss this earlier?! Okay, Asshat tried the at-home kit before we got married. No word whether he was hopped up on his Viagrialis cocktail or not. They give you a cheap thermometer to make sure the gunk it at the right temperature. Too bad he didn’t set it on fire. The end product had bubbles everywhere, was pathetic and hideous. Much like IRL ;O It got thrown away but i kept the thermometer to test the baby’s bath water!
If you made a mold of his junk, Nolagirl, I think you should fill it with Jello.
It’s not even 8am and I’ve already learned something new! Maybe you should take him up on his offer, wrap it up nicely and give it him on your anniversary. He can use it to fu<k himself or create a shrine around it.
Love it! That is probably a great idea lol!! I hope the fake one at least wears a condom.
Awww, Nolagirl, how could you resist that kind of sweet talk?
LOL, most cheaters can be replaced for,under $50 and at least you can put aa didlo in a drawer when you are done with it…..
100 reasons cucumbers are better than men….
My Ex’s choice of a whore happened to be his old hs girlfriend who is an astrologist (is that really a career choice?). Went from a lawyer wife to an astrologist bitch. Hard on my self esteem button.
Not making this shit up: she asked and my ex complied with her request of putting together an arts and crafts project of cutting/pasting pictures of interests/hobbies that “made up his personality.” I recall doing this in kindergarten.
I found the damn collage and it had cutouts of tits, couples fucking on the beach and star constellations all over it. When asked what it was for, he said it was a work project for bonding with co-workers. Really. Didn’t know sales persons now sold shit in the nude and offered a bonus of a fuck for every item sold. Really shows you what a man’s dick does to his logic.
So grab your scissors, Elmer’s glue and a hustler magazine.
A collage of their hobbies and interests would be so telling if they ever got professional help. They would t have to say a word. The therapist could use it as a diagnostic tool. Hmm, I see your interests are similar to a 15 year olds. Drums you can’t play, an old BMW you poured thousands into and can’t drive, a cooler and a beach chair in the trunk, hand made pipes out of nuts and bolts to smoke weed, and a surf board when you never surfed.
My life is so busy between wirking all week, going to strength training classes, going out with my friend, spending time with my daughters, son and granddaughter, walking two mikes a day, reading, and redecorating my home, I cancelled my cable. I no longer watch TV, sit around waiting for the scraps he considered a relationship and it is fucking awesome. A collage of my life before and after tells it all. I’m meeting my OWN needs.
I was laughing just thinking about how he must spend all the time he has on his hands after erasing his past life. It’s no wonder they age so fast. They have to live the lie. We no longer have to. We grow and they are buried in their narrative. Now that is self imposed KARMA.
CLL for real that is some of the craziest shit I have heard on here. Real live cheater arts and crafts hfs that is a special section from the handbook
“I found the damn collage and it had cutouts of tits, couples fucking on the beach and star constellations all over it. When asked what it was for, he said it was a work project for bonding with co-workers.”
I did a huge “that is some crazy shit” laugh.. unbelievable !!!
“I found the damn collage and it had cutouts of tits, couples fucking on the beach and star constellations all over it. When asked what it was for, he said it was a work project for bonding with co-workers.”
WTF, if that isn’t the worst/stupidest excuse from a cheater that I’ve read here, it’s certainly in the top five. Unbelievable. He must have been born under the sign of moron.
He couldn’t help it CLL……it was written in the stars.
My gag reflex is activated. 🙂
they can always go learn to paint or some shit
messed up the link
go learn to paint or some shit
That is a scream
Didn’t get a chance to read all… but my cheater’s hobby would be well served if he were to build a shadow box to display his supply of butt plugs, anal beads, strap-ons and other treasured paraphernalia of his true self.
In the Jackass movie I seem to recall a curtained shadowbox with a cutout back that one of the guys had strapped to his front to display his one eyed snake — DIY art project!!!
In order to enshrine his junk thusly, my Cheater would need a very shallow shadow box indeed.
My stbx doesnt have Christmas tree decor. ..no worries he can make replicas of all the woman he screwed, dated and lied to for ornaments and top the tree off with a star with his picture on it (because you know he is a super star!)
Oh and he could spend time writing a little poem…”It was the night before Christmas when all through the house not a creature was stirring except me trolling Ashley Madison with my mouse!!”
LOL freefall! “The dick warmers were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that some skank soon would be there.” 🙂
Lady Strange and Mrs Vain…LOL perfect. ..I needed a good laugh!! 🙂 CN is wonderful! !
the wife and the children all snug without a clue,
i had each and everyone one of them completrly fooled.
love it LadyStrange!
I am thinking: Esther P comfort dartboard. Her wisdom writ large in the big outer bands, so cheaters can feel they “won” that reason why it was glorious and brave when they cheated. Smaller central bands could have the three channels of cheater behavior, so they could see what face to present while playing. Center spot a small unicorn, the most satisfying thing to puncture.
awwwwww the unicorn!!!!
Arts and crafts and hobbies for cheaters because they didn’t know what else to do.
cement shoe scuba diving
no parachute sky diving
Solitaire Russian Roulette
toenail clipping mosaic 101
pubic hair braiding, beads not included, 101
Naked mountain climbing without ropes
groin pottery ashtray class
grizzly bear meet up
Etc…..
This sounds like cheater summer camp
Toenail clipping mosaic 101……….HAHAHAHAHA!
I would recommend he take up the grand art of papier-mâché and make anatomically correct busts of his coworkers. He can use his collection of naked pictures they sent him over the years to guarantee the details come out just right.
OHHHH!!! I know!!! I know!!!!
‘TRAMP ART’ Headboards!!!!! Perfect!!! Already notched for your future cheating!!!!
LOL!!! 🙂
A crate made of repurposed pallets to contain his bullshit? Upcycled mason jar gaslights? Recycled bottle glass for the rose-colored glasses through which he views his AP? Raised garden beds in which to plant his seeds of doubt? A handmade cheater Twister mat with coworkers instead of colors (“Left hand on Jennifer!”)? A silkscreened t-shirt that reads “Uncle Daddy?” The possibilities are endless.
The cheater twister mat, the cheater dart board up above: I’m seeing a cheater rec room. A cheater wreck room hahaha!!
I hate cheaters fuck them and their wreck rooms
Free Vixen for the win! LMAO 😀
For cheater Twister. It reminds me of the Jump to Conclusions mat from Office Space.
“Left hand on Jennifer!” That was gold, Free Vixen.
My cheater (aka. Peter Pan) was big time into sitting for hours on end, painting miniature war games figures, presumably to make up armies they use at war geek conventions and tournaments. Mostly the really ugly sci fi critters. He sold and traded them online with other geeks. I went to one weekend hobby show with him…the place was full of guys who looked like they do this full time, rather than lead a normal family life.
How surprised was I when one day he presented me with a plastic figure of a naked, bosomy woman with long blonde hair, that he had “painted”. He said “it’s my version of you!”. It was clear to any idiot that it did not resemble me so I just thanked him and absentmindedly put it on the kitchen windowsill. It was not until after d-day that I realised that the figure was an exact rendition of OW. Fat, big bust, blonde, tart shoes…and a snarky look on her face. I wonder what kind of a sick thrill he got out of giving me that.
When d-day happened, I packed all his hobby shiznat into my garbage bin and put it on the curb first thing next morning. He was already at OW’s place (to where I suggested he go) and was texting me pleading for his “stuff” while I watched the garbage truck taking it all away.
I’d have been better off taking in a stray dog and knitting it a jacket.
Yup, I took in 3 rescue dogs after I kicked out Hannibal Lecher. Best trade I ever made.
It’s never too late to take in a stray dog! Dogs are the universes way of making up for all the horrible things cheaters do.
Woo hoo Marci for tossing it! That is awesome!
And all the “good” clothes I bought him….I took to a homeless shelter and was really happy to hand the nice leather jacket I gave him for christmas…to a grateful stranger.
I noticed on facebook about a hear later that Cheater (who is always broke) was still wearing the same shirt he was wearing the day I tossed his arse out the door. Maybe OW should knit him a jumper.
My STBX’s hobbies:
–Self-discovery (‘making himself stronger’ and becoming ‘enlightened’)
–Getting fathers’ rights groups to (probably unknowingly) beat me down as he has maligned them to me
–Harassing me in other ways
–Probably using the strap-on that he wanted to use on me during pseudo-reconciliation.
I just keep thinking of scenes from Silence of the Lambs (put the lotion in the basket) when I think about his extremely bizarre behavior.
How about a friendly game is Scavenger C***?
LOL!!!!
Crossword puzzles of excuses and lies! Then they can pretend to fill them in with the downgrades!!
He used to play online Scrabble with the c**t while I sat alone in the other room (yes, I’m working on my self esteem, because why did I put up with that????) but the funny part is he was cheating by using some app to come up with obscure words. Cheater in every sense of the word. She was probably cheating too.
Hey! Mine did that too; played scrabble, texted her, sent her pictures of our cats… She even watched the same shows that we did at the same time so they could text each other about it when I wasn’t looking. Awwe, cute, all cheaters are soooooo alike, it’s adorable, in that I want to stab myself in the eye with a pen, pull out the eye and then eat it while watching myself in the mirror with my one remaining eye kind of way.
Oh yes, Schmoopie McHoworker has a husband that means the world to her. They’re soooo happy. Sooo happy that she would spend hours at night texting and sending photos of her stupid cats to my husband. Oh yah, she loves him. She talks like a hick, it’s hard to put into words. Anyway, she’d loves her man so much that she called my house crying that she misses talking to my husband after I put the ki-bosh on their “friendship”. They didn’t play Scabble as they are both terrible at spelling. Mine can’t even spell Walmart properly. They were both good at playing mind games with me though. Oh cheaters and their playbook. It’s all the same.
That’s what I get for being uppity about my spelling skills. Scrabble not Scabble.
that way exactly
I was so naive. I didn’t know they used the online games to communicate. I really thought it was just a game. It was a game, but not the kind I thought it was. I did put my foot down when he informed me they were going to start “working out” together after work and he’d be late getting home. Ah, no I don’t think so. There are gyms for that. He was always bitching at me about being lazy but he wasn’t interested in “working out” with me. And what about her family who I was told meant EVERYTHING to her? Didn’t she have to get home to them instead of spending time with someone else’s husband? I always wondered what her husband thought about it all.
Vogon poetry
Ode to a green lump of putty I found in my armpit ine misdsummer morning is a masterpeice compared to the garbage Ex would spout.
My extra creative super Narc ex-cheater would surely enjoy making a very realistic blow up doll (think “live dolls”) of HIMSELF!
That way, there would be more of him to go around. Think of the all the good he’s be doing for all the lucky ladies on this planet!
Of course, it would be a much younger version of himself, with rock hard six-pack abs, all his hair and no wrinkles. Just like what I think he must see when he looks in the mirror. He’d he’d make sure to have it come equipped with the extra-green contacts he liked to wear after he turned 50. And of course, the dick would be at least 3 times of what his junk really is.
The upgraded doll would have a pull string on the back that makes the doll talk!
For the first few years it would say things like “you’re so pretty”, “you are my sweet baby”. “we are two peas in a pod”, etc.
For the next 10 years or so, it would change to “You don’t bring home enough money” and “you shouldn’t do karaoke because you can’t hit the right notes” and “I’m going to be working late tonight, don’t wait up”
After that, it would switch to only say . “I don’t know”, “I don’t know”, and an occasional “I don’t remember.”
All dolls come with the following accessories:
Lube, since he loves to fuck people up the ass (literally and figuratively)
A CD soundtrack of songs he can lie that he wrote (Yesterday, Born to Run, maybe Stairway to Heaven)
A cell phone permanently attached to his hand for more life-like action
Best of all, once all is said and done…..
He can use it to FUCK HIMSELF!!!!!
what is with the fake color contacts? Diablo has the most beautiful green eyes. my youngest has those same eyes, the boy is constantly getting told what pretty eyes he has and he is only 9. i am sure Diablo got his share of compliments too.
but one month after i kicked him out, he shows up at the boys pine wood derby with blue eyes. i didnt notice at first since i was avoiding looking at him so he sat right next to me and started a conversation so i would notice. i guess he felt pretty upset when i did not react in the proper way. all i sai was “your eyes are blue” he said “yes they are”. i was like “your eyes are not blue”. he said “they are now” with that little boy grin i used to love. and i ended with “thats stupid”….apparently that just showed that i was not in love with him because i didnt gosh on how pretty his fake eyes were…..he was 38.
Fucking narc cheaters. My (natural) eyes are VERY blue. For nearly 20 years, I allowed him to tell me I had grey eyes. I got to the point wher I almost believed him. Seriously, asshole? You nearly convinced me my eyes were a different color, just because it was clear my eyes were prettier than yours. What a DICK.
Absolutely perfect!!!! HaHaHa! Love it. Gotta come up with a great name for it!
Hmmmm Kimmy…. good point. Maybe he could add a feature where his nose grows every time he lies and then he can be named “Pinokio the Prevaricator” ??
With the extra growing nose feature, all the lucky ladies who own one of these babies will have not one but TWO appendages to choose from for ALL their sexual needs. I think we’re gonna need to raise the retail price on this thing.
PS – Place your order TODAY because the first 15 callers also receive a FREE “Removable Wedding Ring” that easily and conveniently slides on and off the dolls hand at random times!
My ExWH literally took up learning how to write computer code and just released his website, which is his firstname lastname.org. Gag.
His self description literally includes the line “an all around good guy.” I don’t think he understands what “good guy” means. The delusions these people need to tell themselves.
The swamp of cognitive dissonance that these cheaters have to slog through in order to make such statements about themselves would swallow rational humanity.
Kim – I found my ex’s Plenty of Fish ad and he called himself “respectful” ha ha ha!!!!! If being hyper active with prostitutes while you’re married makes you respectful, I’d hate to see what would happen if that WASN’T one of his attributes.
I found an ex boyfriend’s pof profile. I had dumped him for cheating, kleptomania, and general douchebaggery.
He described himself as “enjoys travel” but forgot to add ” with any gf who is stupid enough to prepay my tickets, because I never repay anyone”. He even had the nerve to post photos of himself posing next to MY sports car.
Glad I saw your post, it reminded me my stbx had several social network sites. ..his pictures were pictures I took of him on romantic weekends!! And he posted a picture that I was in but cropped me out!! Effing POS!! Hooray I am mad…mad is better then sad!!:-) 🙂
Freefall,
This same guy posted the only photo of himself ever taken in a suit…at his wedding, only he cut out the bride of course. I only realised where that photo came from when Imwas leafing through an album at his house, And his ex wife? Beautful girl, but now languishing in kidney dialysis with final stage disease while he goes out dating because he has decided they are “separated”. This is why one needs to see the divorce decree before dating these jokers.
Hey chumps Marci makes a very good point, you need to see a divorce decree before dating someone. My stbx dated too many woman to count that “thought” he was divorced for years!! My state has a website for validating public records – anyone can see if someone is divorced for real. Just in case your picker isnt totally fixed, those re-entering the dating scene might do a quick google search.:-) 🙂
Perhaps a misspelling? “an anal around good guy?”
Mine didn’t and doesn’t do crafts but his GF suggested putting slow dancing in the nude at the top of her list when she next visited. Hope they had curtains!