I’m guessing by now you’ve heard it all but here’s my story:
My soon-to-be-exhusband and I have a one-year old together, we never had any marital problems and he was actually one of the most caring, involved fathers I’ve ever met. Then we found out he was deploying (military) and he said “well if we’re going to have our kids be close in age we better start trying now.” We did. And I became pregnant very soon after.
This pregnancy was so different, I could tell he just didn’t want to care for me like the first time. I blew it off. The week before he went to pre-deployment training he wanted very little to do with me. During his time away he was extremely distant and when he returned three weeks later he was a robot.
I confronted him and he texted me at work to say he was going to the house to get his things and he was going to stay at a friend’s for the night to think about things. I was two months pregnant. A few hours later I told him to never come back. Not sure how I knew at that early point, but my instincts knew that things were royally f’ed.
The next day we met to talk. He greeted me with an awkward kiss then began to tell me we had grown apart, he had been unhappy “for a while”, and he wanted a divorce. He was very clear that he was not leaving me for another woman. Ironically he moved in with another woman that day! (Unknown to me at the time). I took him at his word and filed the divorce papers ASAP that Monday.
The only truth I know now is that he spent those three weeks telling some OW (who has enjoyed multiple other men in his squadron) how unhappy he is. She was his “sounding board.”
Since then he has attempted to gaslight, lie, manipulate, and mindfuck me 24/7. It is really quite tiring when you are pregnant and caring for a one-year old on your own. He actually put me into labor through all of this and tried to rub my back as my doctor told me that my body was trying to reject the pregnancy, it just couldn’t handle it.
He has since deployed and probably doesn’t tell anyone the truth. I let him skype our son but have had to go to another room during it because he tries to reel me in to conversations. Before I started leaving the room he would say things like “Are you wearing your belly support band? I’d like you to wear it so you don’t get hurt.” Really.
His attorney sent me a draft parenting plan — he wants to come over for weekly dinners. Are you effing kidding me?! Pass the rolls please, how’s your girlfriend? Would she like some leftovers?
How do they flip so fast? He told me he thought about leaving for 2-3 weeks. Wow! It only took you weeks to decide to dump your family and shit on your pregnant wife??? This chick must have a magical p@$$&…..
Chumped by a very sad sausage,
You’re asking me to explain how someone can walk out on his pregnant wife and one-year-old son? Someone who gave entire weeks of consideration to this abandonment? And then concluded, after much deep thought, that this was an excellent course of action?
He has an empty elevator shaft where his soul should be.
IMO, people like this disconnect so quickly and easily because they don’t connect very deeply to begin with. They feign the “caring” and sustain “involvement” until they don’t. Something gets challenging (Did a baby barf in your hair, poor sausage? Keep you awake at night?), they get bored, you didn’t sparkle brightly enough — whatever it is, they determine that They Deserve More.
You, the little people, the provider of kibbles, you can deal with the leaky tits, stretch marks, and childcare. He Is Destined For Greater Things. His suffering is unjust. Yours is beside the point.
I think people like this just play act at life. He did the role of Supportive Husband and now, for an encore, he’ll spout a few lines like an old hack playing King Lear. “Remember your belly band, Jackie!” Husband Who Cares was one of his many starring roles — give a round of applause! Then he goes back stage, wipes off the greasepaint, and fucks the OW.
He’d like to do some encore production numbers for your son on Skype in Daddy Who Cares! But children aren’t stupid. Your son will grow up knowing who is THERE for him and who is a superficial waste of space. It’s your job to maintain boundaries and not let your kids get confused by cake.
He doesn’t get to play Happy Family Guy in your life. He walked out on you. He doesn’t get to enjoy the perks of marriage and the care-free single life. Get a lawyer, tell his lawyer to go fuck himself, and say no to the weekly dinner absurdity.
Your only obligation to him now is to abide by the court ordered custody agreement. You need to lawyer up so those boundaries are crystal clear — what’s your time, what’s his time. Don’t let him swan into your life and play Family Man when he feels like it. He chose a separate life — give it to him.
You’re facing the hugest challenge of your life, being a single mom, so be kind to yourself. You’re just at the start of parenthood. It takes some serious mightiness to parent without support, but you’re not alone. Unfortunately, many of us too have bred with the soulless empty-elevator-shafts, but hey, we survived — and you will too.
You’re going kick ass at motherhood. You’ve got great instincts — you dumped the fuckwit. (((((Big hugs))))))))