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Dear Josh, You’re a Chump

lifeDear Josh of Somewhere in the Mid-Atlantic,

You don’t know me. I run an infidelity blog. I happened to have dinner this evening seated next to your cheating wife. She was with this really douchey guy about 15 years older than she was (late 40s, early 50s). The kind of guy who flips his collars up, even though that ceased to be cool about 1986. The kind of guy who fucks married women.

I tried not to overhear, but your wife has a voice like a foghorn. I was seated alone. (I’m on the road traveling.) Tired from a long day, I brought a New Yorker with me for company, and I was enjoying this really great article by Oliver Sacks on Gefilte Fish when this horrible voice boomed, “BRING US THE BEST THING ON YOUR MENU! What’s the BEST?!”

The waiter stammered, “Well, the slow-cooked beef is really good…” and then went through his list of specials, none of which was salmon. “DO YOU HAVE SALMON? I LOVE SALMON.” Then she nattered on about all the other restaurants which have really great salmon — Alaskan sockeye WILD salmon — the BEST salmon — and THIS place Had No Salmon.

(Dear Cheating Wife, this is Lancaster County, Pa. You’re at a farm-to-fork restaurant featuring produce and meat from Lancaster County. Last I looked, there were no locally sourced Alaskan salmon in Pennsylvania. Perhaps you could put in a request with the Amish.)

Irritating diners. Whatever. Back to my New Yorker. They make chitchat. I assume they’re acquaintances or co-workers having some business dinner. Then I hear, sotto voice, “But I’ve always loved you unconditionally.” 

Douche mumbles “Well, I love you too… but it’s complicated.”

I now must eavesdrop on these idiots. I cannot concentrate on anything else. I imagine telling them right then in an intimate dining room that they are fucking evil. I consider slipping the waiter a note and asking him to spit in their food.

Your cheating wife inquires after his wife. He says, “There are economics involved.”

Then your cheating wife launches into a long soliloquy about her love for the Douche.

“I just followed this path. I thought it was what I wanted. We built our dream home. But I never gave up my love for you. I always wondered and held out hope. I’ll always love you.”

Douche mumbles something incoherent. Roughly translated I think it was “Thanks for the kibbles, but let’s just fuck now.”

Then Josh, your four-year-old daughter called. Your wife’s voice went up a couple octaves.

“Honey! Did you get TAP SHOES? That’s so awesome! Mommy misses you! Love you!” Then your mother-in-law got on the line and I heard “Mom, thanks for getting her tap shoes!” Your mother-in-law is babysitting while your wife is cheating with Douche. I don’t know if your mother-in-law is in on it. This doesn’t look good.

I know your daughter is four, because Cheating Wife mentioned that she still naps and enjoys pre-school. And she told Douche all about her complicated life as a mother, how she wants to home school, but your daughter needs the socializing. Cheating Wife is just So Busy and Really Wishes She Could Spend More Time With Daughter (meanwhile she’s at a hotel restaurant with Douche).

Josh, I think you’re supporting her stay-at-home-fuck-other-men lifestyle. I’m sorry.

I’m also sorry for your 10-year-old son from your first marriage. (Please tell me you didn’t break up your first marriage for this horrid woman.) Apparently your son is very fond of the four-year-old, after some initial jealousy. Douche asked after him. Douche’s kids are in college. Douche thinks it’s ridiculous that his college-age son expects any financial help with college. (However would he finance your wife’s salmon habit?)

Anyway Josh, I’m sorry I didn’t get a name or throw water in their faces or take a picture of them. It was gutless of me. They suck. I thought you should know.

— Tracy

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  • I often wonder what our “mutual friends” actually saw or heard… before they: stopped looking me in the eye, avoided me, cut our (usually long and friendly) conversations so short…

    • I wonder that too, Jenxstan. And I wonder what his friends thought when they were around me knowing what they knew – the lying, the other women.

      I remember going to the rare work parties he’d let me attend and the women would stare from a distance. A lot of those people aren’t friends with him anymore. He was the good-time guy, fun and successful, always a party. Sure, they’d join him for a beer now but wouldn’t go out of their way to do so.

      I think about a few peripheral people – our then landlord, an old acquaintance – who reached out with invites I didn’t accept. I wonder now if they had something to tell me back then.

    • I don’t know if it will make you feel better, but it’s entirely possible that they missed out on the signs too. I mentioned before that I recently found out that a friend, Pete, (now downgraded to “acquaintance we might nod at when we see them at the grocery) has been outed as cheating with another friend’s wife. (The Cheating Wife, Pam, has also been downgraded to “Maybe a Nodding Grocery Acquaintance.”)

      I could not have been more shocked. These are people I spend time with regularly, due to work and other social groups. I saw them several times each week and I never suspected a thing. And I am a super-suspicious person!

      Now, looking back, there were minor things that hindsight has changed. But honestly, I had no clue. And I wasn’t in a close emotional relationship with these people in which I wanted and needed to think the best of them.

      So I’m not trying to say, “Oh, I’m sure no one else suspected a thing.” because maybe they did. But when thinking of Pam and Pete’s behavior, I don’t think , “Oh, poor, stupid Pam’s husband and Pete’s wife. They must have been blind not to see what was right in front of them.” I think, “Damn, Pete and Pam are a couple of assholes.”

      • The stbx did all his cheating out of town. He kept the kids & I for the good husband & father facade. His good friends contacted me saying they didn’t know but he had a history when he was younger. Interestingly enough, those who I thought were his good friends distanced themselves from him immediately & told me they didn’t really know him very well – he was more of an acquaintance. Go figure

        • Funny. The exact same situation for me. They all thought “he had changed, but I guess that he didn’t”. And they all consider him an acquaintance but know that they can’t trust him. It is always his way or the highway. I thought that his friends didn’t like me, that that was why they were so distant. He told me that I needed to try harder! It turns out that they just didn’t like him!

  • CL, nicely written, of course, and so typical of the times.

    I am commencing my reascent into the world after a self-imposed year of reflection, study, and rebuilding myself after the devastation of ex walking out on me with an infant and preschooler (thanks for the advice by the way, you’re incredible). In this last stage before returning to the workforce finally, I’m doing some training in different places and meeting lots of people. It seems that these idiots are everywhere you go, I just met one yesterday (cheating man left wife) and same again a few weeks ago. They seem nice enough, but then the stories come out, then the excuses and righteousness about embracing opportunities in life. Both, interestingly, have much more miserable lives after imploding their marriages for strange. I found that oddly reassuring. But altogether feel sick to the bones every time I come across this stuff.

    • You are right. They are everywhere. Watched the US Open Tennis tiurnament. There was Chris Evert. Destroyed her family by banging Greg Norman, an N P D , just like herself.

      • Arnold, yes- that was an interesting story. VERY sad in my opinion. Her Dad I believe was a very well repected man, coached her etc. I wonder what he though of the daughter he raised…

        • Also had an affair with British singer Adam Faith while both were married to other people – Faith actually died while in bed with a later mistress.

          • Yet, just like most celebrity cheaters, she just lands right on her feet. Zero consequences. Same with Norman.

            • Not just celebrity cheaters–mine has had ZERO consequences for banging students as a professor and using his university account for his Ashley Madison profile.

              My daughter is the only one who delivered consequences to him–she’s in NC and it kills him not to have homage paid.

              • I also have the NPD cheater X who is a professor and suffered no consequences except what his teenage daughter has dished out. She changed her last name, has never met or seen OWife and refuses to pay homage. He periodically (every few months) sends a BRIEF pitty text message to her and when she doesn’t respond a few days later sends a brief narc rant text message. He tries all the tactics that worked on me the chump that have never worked on my daughter. As an example, he has never called her in over 2 years to talk on the phone but this past week sends her a pitty me text at 8:15 am Monday morning about how they how he hasn’t talked to her on the phone in 2 years and he never sees her (bad weekend with OWife and her spawn?). My daughter doesn’t respond but is thinking, “First of all, what the hell are you texting me during school on a Monday morning when I haven’t heard a word from you in weeks and if it is so important to talk, well it’s not that complicated, pick up the phone and call”. Then 3 hours later she gets a narc rant text message telling her since she is now 16 she should act more responsible and call him and make more of an effort to keep in contact because he loves her so much and misses her. How about he makes the effort? He is the ass who ran off and abandoned her as well as me. It is HIS responsibility to try and salvage his relationship with his daughter, not his daughter’s responsibility. clearly he has learned nothing in the last 2+ years.

  • selfish salmon seeking schmoopies suck — but you showed great self control. Safe travels

  • It gets me how these cheaters can act like this and totally disconnect how their cheating hurts the kids. Because nothing says I love like “I have so much contempt for your father I am cheating on him and violating him.” No big deal. He’s only HALF of you.

    Such cold-hearted selfishness is astounding. Sadly, it seems all too common. Evil.

    • Yup. I was told by the cheater “I’m not leaving my kids!!!!” He said this to his MOW as well. She tearfully told her friends this after I busted the fuckfest. Well…..asshole…you LEFT YOUR KIDS the moment you left the marriage. Idiots.

      • But ANC, we MADE them fuck other people with our suckitude and “marital problems” dontchaknow? They didn’t betray us or the children; they were simply seeking a release from spending time with us. (eyeroll)

      • OH yes! I got this sentiment YELLED at me during our parenting/custody mediation. “I’M LEAVING YOU NOT J—-!!!”. I just looked at him and knew that was the lie he was telling himself. And I was speechless.

        Funny side note, he has moved in with his nasty OW. According to my son, who met her (again from over a year ago) last weekend, she is “skinnier and now has red hair”. Um, I’m a size 2 redhead. Creepy much??? So let me get this straight you cheating asshole, you leave ME (not your son though) for a whore who dates married men and you think it’s just fine and dandy that she dyed her hair RED??? The color of your STBXW’s hair? Really??? Douche.

        • Did you ever get the phrase “she’s a lot like you” lobbed at you like a grenade?

          • Oh yes! She’s a lot like me and we would be friends if… Uh, well, uh..She wasn’t boinking my now XH. They pick out our replacement & then turn them into us. So strange becomes familiar and then bye-bye!

            • Lord, yes, he spent the first 10 months he was having an affair telling me how much I would like her and how we were alike. Then later, he insisted I was not meeting his needs but Florence was amazing and would devote her whole life to him. Barf.

          • Interesting you ask that. When he got the job where I met her (they knew each other before I even knew she existed so who knows when their twu wuv started) he told me, “She’s cool. I know y’all would really get along. You have a lot in common.”. What the hell dude. Um NO we have NOTHING in common. She has NO character. And I have enough to share with both of you lying-ass cheaters.

            • I got the ‘She’s a lot like you–Intelligent, you studied the same field, dark hair.’ Last affair partner of Cheater (that I know of) was NOT like me–she was a shapeless, drunk-driving (multi-DUI-earning) homewrecker who told me, not Cheater, that she had contracted some incurable STDs before she hooked up with him. Affair partner, like my cheater, talked in flowery, ‘deep’ word salad Cheater language.

              And regarding the male cheater CL describes here, he sounds a lot like my STBX, eager to spout nonsensical, ‘intelligent sounding’ (to cheaters and stupid people) word salad. ‘There are economics involved’ put through a UBT into ‘intelligent, honest person speak’ would probably be ‘I can’t afford to support my f-buddy and my soon-to-be-ex-wife and kids on my income while living at the level to which I have become accustomed.’

              • …..I can’t afford to support my f-buddy and my soon-to-be-ex-wife and kids on my income while living at the level to which I have become accustomed….


          • Oh all out of kibble many many the times me and whore are so much alike we would get along so well we could be best friends which is what the whore wants to be best friends with me if only I would be reasonable and understand their true love and god brought them together as they were meant to be. Gag puke. One she is a silly little junior high school girl who spends every penny she has on nothing. She buys love you see. Asswipe choked her unconscious when she sent him home late one night with a gigantic black hickey on his neck and laughed and laughed cause it was so funny!!!! Just to mark her territory and hurt me. These are 58 and 50 year olds. I have a funny side, playful side, smart ass, intelligent I’m good with money my bills paid on time, her bills late, missed, partial payments and she makes four times the money he does. She got his credit score lowered way down. Guess I didn’t make enough money for asswipe either. Didn’t know I was supposed to be the major bread winner. Gee I must have missed the memo! I was just supposed to accept all this so we could be one big happy family! And go away to the rental so they could be happy. Neither her nor her family have much in common with him. At all. No one thinks like he does or has the same interests. And he trusts none of them her friends too but her money keeps everyone around. But he trusts me completely. Go figure. Can’t wait to get rid of this asshole and get on with my life! Yee ha!!!!

      • My ex said the same thing, “I’m not divorcing my children!” My kids were also 4 years old (like Josh’s above) when ex started paying a babysitter to go find her strange dick while I was “supporting her stay-at-home-fuck-other-men lifestyle.”

      • OMG, this must be in the manual. Mine said it too.. I am not leaving “Them” I am leaving “You” in a sneering tone. Whatever you say Bud. Are you there for them at night? When they are sick? For their triumphs and ups and downs?

        • IKR??? Hey, Cheater Pants, wanna see all the documentation I’ve been keeping for the last YEAR??? I can show you every single “no contact” day from all that time. Yep, you left our son too you asshole. And I got the proof. Can’t even pick up the phone and call him for 5 dang minutes??? Oh no. You are super busy with….other.

          • ^^^This^^^ me TOO!! I keep track of every day he does/does not call or contact our son, I keep track of any weekends he works when he has our son, I keep track of any schedule switches for bodybuilding shows and out of town trips….etc.

            X-hole and the troll call back and forth sometimes as often as 21 times per day and talk for almost 6-8 hours a day….WTF?? SERIOUSLY?? That shit is not normal….who does that at their age?? Both mid 40’s, act like middle schoolers. Assholes.

            • Mid-40s and going to bodybuilding shows instead of spending time with his son? Sounds like a real winner. Normally 6-8 hours a day of microwave radiation exposure a day would be concerning, although in his case I doubt it could do much further damage to his pea-brain. Of course, it’s doubtful he does any of his thinking with THAT head, anyway.

        • I don’t have kids with my Ex, but he said, “I’m not leaving Us, Muse, I’m leaving YOU.” I am still wondering what part of “us” didn’t have me in it.

    • DM, The lesson the cheater speaks to his children, “you as a woman (to my daughter) have no inherent value”, and to my son “if you don’t like the woman you have, you can have two” was a huge reason I filed. It was bad enough that I was completely devalued but for me to stand by and “condone” his behavior and essentially reinforce the lessons my x was teaching our kids was too much for me. It has been one of the worst years of my life.

          • BA and M

            Thank you for your support. I read CL every day but until I was able to get my and my children’s cell phones in my name I was too paranoid to log in on my phone. It’s amazing how suspicious I became over 26 years. My kids don’t enjoy going to their dads because they are still walking on egg shells. My DD is more aware and vocal then my DS. I keep telling my DD that it is not her responsibility to worry about ‘adults behaving poorly and making crappy decisions’. That my job is to get her through HS and launched as a healthy young adult. I still worry that the effects of my anger and knowledge my kids have of ‘dear old dad’s’ behavior has poisoned the relationship pot … I don’t know. All I can do is move forward.

            This week is the 3rd date that he has gotten through his lawyer to get the rest of his belongings out…last time he was physically intimidating when I halted the packing process to prevent him from taking stuff that was mine. I’m trying to get the rest of his stuff packed and in the garage for this next round….so damn exhausted this has been an 18 month ordeal

  • I love the idea that you are just a random person overhearing this conversation, and by chance, maybe, it connects to josh, and it was the salmon dinner selection in the middle of Pennsylvania that did her in. Fingers crossed. Karma bus delivered via seafood special. Or lack of seafood special.

  • What horrible people. In every way. Hope Josh finds out and gets out.

    P.S. LOVE your comments about the salmon, CL, yes please register a formal complaint with the Amish.

  • What a pair. So sorry for the kids…..
    And for Josh.
    There is no SHAME – these two soulless idiots openly discuss their affair absolutely oblivious to who can overhear their drivel. This society has devolved into a selfish, corrupt and self-entitled bunch of reality TV participants.

    It’s enough to send you to the hermit cave…..

    • They don’t feel the need to be discreet, because in their eyes, they’re doing NOTHING wrong! If their spouses were fulfilling their NNNEEEEEEDDDS none of this would be happening, and besides, they MUST seek their happiness!

      Assholes, every one. But it’s actually helpful that they often don’t even bother to hide it.

  • Laughed at the salmon. It’s never an extramarital tryst without salmon. Hope Josh sees this and makes a sound decision.

  • Well, I hope somebody out there in CN knows Josh and can warn him about his sucky choice of second wives ( let’s hope 3 times is a charm ?!? )

    I know of a man who is either actively cheating or doing his best to cheat on his disabled wife.

    I am wracking my brain about how to let her know ( do not ask how I know – ick ) without her finding out that I am the one delivering the bad news.

    They are good aquantences of my x and I do not want to be involved. But I want her to know – maybe a roadside banner with his POF account information?

    What gets me is that both Josh ‘s wife and this cheating ass clown seem to be so out in the open, casual about their tru lurv.
    Love is blind and stupid in this case.

    • Set up a dummy email account to start a FB with a fictitious name, so you can send her a message? And tell her what he might say, in advance, so she doesn’t sweep it under the rug.

      • I was informed through FB. Never found out who the person with the fictitious name was though, but I have a sneaky suspicion that it was the OW because she desperately wanted my piece of s**t ex. He was way too sneaky and smart to be ever seen at a restaurant or overheard.

        • I got an anonymous email, from a free account that never responded to my replies, which I too think could only have been the HasBeen or OW, who else would know my email?

        • OK. Great idea but expect something like what happened to my best friennd.

          You inform nicely and you get the MY spouse would never do that. YOU are crazy. You are the OW or OM. You just are jealous of me And my wonderful spouse.

          Expect ugly. This supposed enlightened attitude doesn’t exist when you inform on someone. Ever. I call total bullshit. My best friend got the batshit fucking crazy ass accusatory wife response….and we were like….fuck you we are trying to help you.

          Turns out she already knew about multiple affairs, including when they dated. She simply wanted the faux fabulousness that was sparkly cheater.

          So this idea that spouse will be grateful is bullshit. I dont get involved anymore. The wife of this guy just does stupid shit like quit her job, act like a martyr that she has to put up with him…never considers leaving because that might make he not so special and center of attention.

          Yes, there are batshit crazy betrayed spouses. Don’t be too eager to put your head in that blender.

          • I was also informed via Facebook (non-anonymous) and will be forever grateful. The OW sent pictures and messages to back up her story. I have kept in sporadic contact with her and, with the one-year anniversary of d-day coming up, I plan to contact her again and thank her for being so brave. She lives hundreds of miles away and was being told by my XH that we were getting divorced (news to me). It took her over a year but she came to realize she was being used by my XH. Turns out her XH was also a cheater who fooled around with a co-worker for years. Many of his co-workers knew and no one told her. It takes guts to do the right thing at the risk of encountering a “batshit crazy” spouse but you get the satisfaction of being on the side of right. That’s what I learned from the OW – I could tell she was scared I would turn on her but I embraced her and I don’t regret it.

            That said, my serial-cheating XH was involved with other women who KNEW that he was married and never said a word to me about his advances. If I happen to run into one of them in a dark alley, there will be all kind of crazy unleashed!

          • Karma

            It may be difficult to understand why anyone would stay with a serial cheating asshole despite your best efforts. No one wants to sit in that shit. And knowing and staying is soul sucking. I’ve been there. It’s not because they are crazy, it may be the best they can do at the time. For whatever reason we accept blame and this pattern, (stages of a narcissistic relationship) keeps us in further despair. Trauma bonding occurs and knowing is not enough. Many fear for their children’s well being.

            Tell them in a kind and compassionate way. What helped me the most was having someone who finally validated the abuse (my therapist). He was the only person who TOLD me he was an asshole, a serial cheating narcissist, and a sociopath. He told me I wouldn’t survives next time. He told me to file and it would make me strong. CN helped me see I was NOT alone. I thought I was for many years.

            Know that my first statement to my therapist while sobbing was that I wanted to know HOW to stop loving him.

            • Donna it WAS kind. The reaction was almost violent on her part. So ridiculously over the top, she even accused us of just wanting to harm her for no reason, that her husband was just some paragon of virtue.

              This….remember….after knowing with solid proof of his infidelities with at least 2 other women while married to him, plus multiple affairs while dating him.

              ThAT is not trauma bonding. That is mentally unstable to begin with. She had no history with him, kids with him, life with him when they dated for a couple months nd she found out he was fucking half the college campus.

              The point is that what i have noticed is that there is a deferral on the part of the betrayed spouse.

              I dont want to be alone and he is better than nothing. I dont want to raisenkids by myself that is so hard and he is better than nothing. I dont want to be embarrassed to everyone so i will keep it a secret and he will stay because i covered for him.

              Its not trauma bonding its deferring responsibility for your own life to someone else. That is what i think is what this womans problem is, she just wants to hand it over to someone to take care of her, he promised to do it, and when the floor fell out, she went batshit crazy.

              Lizzy, we do like being on the side of right and it was the right thing to do, no matter how the wife defended this asshole. There are kids involved. Something that was really telling was that this woman always acted like everyone was beneath her, that everyone should bow before her exalted status. She was shitty to her neighbors and her coworkers and those that worked under her. Not bitter angry hard to get to know. She loved telling people they are wrong and she is right and how dare you tout her authority.

              In short, she is as big of an asshole as he is and we kinda figured out at the end of trying to help her that she WANTED the special status that his philandering gave her, she wanted to have this fucked up drama in her life, she wanted the power over him to force him to stay (it was a financial thing we were told. Funny how the kids were never mentioned).

              That is my advice to anybody who wants to approach a betrayed spouse. They wont believe you, they will blame everyone but the cheater for the situation and you come out with possibly some crazy assed stalking marriage policer in your face.

          • I too am in a similar situation right now. I got word back to the wife about her husband, and he lied and got away with his rank behavior. Even worse he is still trying to land me. I even asked about his first marriage and it was nothing but a disaster with one affair after another. Now she has her friends watching my every move(this is a small town) and has tried to confront me several times twice at the school in front of children. The only thing that has saved me is this website. I know I am not crazy and you guys have been great

      • I got the “prank” phone call one Sunday afternoon asking “Do you know where, asshat is?” when I replied “at work” the caller just laughed. I hung up shaking. I already had my suspicions and this just confirmed them. It took about 9 months to get the proof I needed and I filed within 24 hours of having the proof. That being said, I recommend telling people, maybe anonymously, but with compassion and details as other members have suggested. This whole nightmare is just winding down. I have read CL for over a year and would not be as strong as I am without out all of you and your observations, humor, and gut wrenching experiences. Mine have been the same, I’m just not as articulate. Thank you all.

    • Someone tried to tell me through an anonymous phone call, but they didn’t give any particulars, nothing that could be checked out or proven. My ex explained it away as a crank call. If you contact her make sure to give her info that can be verified, even if you don’t leave your name.

      • I got an anonymous letter about the second OW after cheater ex promised me it was over. I found out later on that it came from the OW’s boyfriend. You see, the asshole cheater ex likes to go after women in relationships. He broke up a marriage by sleeping with the first OW a week before her wedding and a week after she came back from her honeymoon. Second OW had a long-time boyfriend. The final OW? She was divorced but I have no idea if there was someone in her life. Probably but I don’t think either of them cared since a conscience is optional to them.

        • They also love to target single mothers. The one i know even tried to convice multiple women to get pregnant ( he is still martied to crazy woman, btw) so they ‘need’ him. How sick is that.

  • I wish CL was in the bar when my STBX’s married secretary flashed her tits at him and told him that she loved him. The bar tender gave her a free drink while she sat there with her tits handing out. Of course, my STBX had to fuck her after this.

    I have a question for Chump Nation. Should one tell the Chump about the Cheater and the cheating? How many of my friends knew but did not tell me? It infuriates me that everyone kept me in the dark. I lost 20 years when I could have been free of the douche.

    • Tough question. You might risk losing a friend who wants to remain in deep denial but If it were me, I would definitely want to be told. ‘Say is your husbands sister in town? Bc I saw him at dinner a woman I didn’t recognize ‘

      There are health considerations, financial issues, so much at stake. It could help to level the playing field if someone could accept the info and mobilize to move past their chumpiness.

    • I think the consensus here, when the question has been posed before, is ALWAYS tell (though it can be done anonymously). And it’s most compelling when you present actual evidence.

      • And you know, if it turns out that the spouse knows about the date and that it was okayed by the spouses of the parties involved, that’s fine.

        My parents had a long and happy marriage. One time, they were to go out to a fancy party thrown by a community organization. Wouldn’t you know but there was a bug going around, and my mom came down sick the day of the party, as did others. My mom found out that the husband of one of their friends was also sick, and suggested that my dad take the other man’s wife. Several people called her to let her know my dad was in public with another woman. She explained that yes, she knew and it was all right since she’d suggested it. For the record, my dad was all set to stay home, but my mom thought that this was a big deal for the community, and at least one of them should go.

    • This question comes up a lot. I say absolutely tell. This person has a right to protect his/her assets, health, etc. They are losing a fight they don’t know they’re in. Give them a chance to file first, protect their money, get out, or whatever they decide. They deserve to have a say in their own life. Infidelity steals that from you.

      • I intend to tell her – just not sure how to. I like the FB idea!

        She deserves to know. She has RA and is a hair dresser who works from home. He has his own business and he uses it to hide his activities ( sorry dear – working late).

        I found his profile on POF as well.

        Wish me luck! But yes – always tell. I wish somebody had told me sooner.

    • Economics: Presently I have two sources of cake. You want me to give up one of my sources?!?!? Bad investment for a narc to go all in on one partner. They prefer to diversify their portfolio, although I’ll never understand their penchant for under-performing penny stocks.

  • Could you possibly get this on Huffington or some other news/opinion site. If Josh does not know he is a chump he might not ever see this. AND HE NEEDS TO SEE THIS. Sorry. I hate Schmoopie and The Douchbag.

      • I think you need to make some downloadable postcards. Print them address them and send them straight into the loving embrace of cl and Cn. Trust your gut. Trust he cheats trust he sucks.

          • Remember there are two chumps involved because the Douche also seems to be married. Maybe CL can ask for their names at the hotel or restaurant with the excuse that she found something that belongs to the lady (like a bracelet?) and that you want to mail it to them…and then mail a copy of your article addressed to Josh or Mrs. Chump (depending on whose address they give you)…

            • or be more 21st century and find his or her name on internet and email your article!

  • What do they call this? schadenfreude? I mean seriously, how much must the Karma Gods hate you if you’re carrying on your affair in front of the one; the only; Chump Lady? I hope schadenfreude continues and poor Josh just stumbles upon this article and realizes it’s his sociopath of a wife whom CL is speaking about in this restaurant in PA!

    Cheaters everywhere; moms who kill three of their sons because the girl is being ignored; and another mother who lets her boyfriend kill her daughter, hides her in a refrigerator and then dumps her in the ocean. What the hell is wrong is wrong with the human beings on this planet?! Are they even human beings?

    I am at a loss for words about the lack of humanity that seems to be in plentiful supply these days.

      • Because people who cheat are sociopathic pricks. You have to be, to blatantly disregard the feelings of someone else without remorse.

      • It’s certainly not a clinical diagnosis but I am disturbed at the ease at which CL describes her going from talking to her twu wuv schmoopie and then making her voice 8 octaves higher to speak with her little girl.

        It sounds like she’s been living a double life for quite some time and I can’t imagine how one does that for years without being either psychopath or sociopath or some kind of wackadoo. Again, not a clinical diagnosis but I bet I’m not far off.

        • I have a kind of Pavlovian response to those type of women – the ones who have a different voice… it’s high and tinny – from my grandfather’s third wife. (He’s working on #5 from a nursing home at the moment. lol – he’s not a cheater, just an asshole who seems to get turned off by marriage after 10 years.) I knew that woman was about to do something evil and sneaky when her voice did that. Or she was grooming.

          A co-worker’s voice does that with her toddler daughter, when asking her father (or anyone she needed to use/manipulate) for a favor, and from the moment a client walked in the door. It’s creepy as hell. I swear, she manipulated the ending of her 9-month marriage JUST to get single-mom pity. She tells anyone who will listen, about how HARD it is for her. Meanwhile, she makes $55K/year, her mortgage is $437/month, including taxes, her father pays for her home and auto insurance, buys her cars, gives her cash when she threatens that she’s so tight she needs to put x, y, and z on her credit cards ($0 balance), paid for her degree outright; her mother pays for her cell phone, car repairs, and babysits when she wants to go out. Her house is almost paid off, due to the 50% downpayment she was given when she bought it and her dad paying down a chunk of principal as a Christmas gift each year? (She bitches about him CONSTANTLY.) He’s also paying for her divorce. And she gets child support. Did I mention that she’s 26? Yeah – pooooor widdle single mommy. Uh huh.

          It should be no surprise that she is late every day, leaves to do personal errands ALL throughout the work day, and stirs up shit constantly. Example: “Hey – can I see?! ” when co-workers are looking at photos of a party someone else went to- some people are, of course, dressed/behaving more provocatively. Then reporting them all to HR “confidentially” for being inappropriate at work and making her feel uncomfortable and objectified.

          I RUN when I hear that tinny, syrupy-voice crap. I know what’s about to happen. No, thank you.

          • Oh my God-I have a young woman at work at this moment that we are planning to terminate soon. She has only been married 2 years and is already cheating. Such a long story but she is definitely a narc and creating chaos throughout the facility. This woman received an opportunity of a lifetime and makes 70K a year plus bonuses. I have a meeting on Thursday that will take her to task but we are going to actively look for a replacement in any case. I am working on the Rules of Engagement for the meeting-where she will be unable to deflect, blame or lie. She will listen and will receive no platform as being a narc she will try to muddy the waters as we all are aware. I’m quite certain there will be tears initially but watch how fast they dry up after I inform her that she cannot respond to our evaluation and start blaming everyone else. I figure we may have a week, maybe two before she comes back swinging and engaging in her destructive behavior. I doubt she will ever have an opportunity like this again, so she has only herself to blame, of course she won’t:)

            • Watch out for frivolous lawsuits. Or union action. Narcs abuse both of these to their own personal gain.
              Any chance you can tell the chumped husband? That is, if he doesn’t already know. These pricks are evil.

  • Ha!

    The night I intended to tell my wife that we were getting a divorce, I arrived home to an empty house. She’d gone out with Mr. Wonderful to tell him “this had to stop.” See, this type of conversation has to happen in person…at a bar…after several beers. Turns out, she did tell him it had to stop. And then they made out like they were in high school.

    [[FYI, I’m ALL for PDA, much to my current girlfriend’s chagrin! I just think it should be with your SO.]]

    Anyway, afterwards, my wife arrived home drunk, and the next day I told her that I knew and I was divorcing her. Her first instinct was that I must have seen something at the bar. She thought that I somehow saw her.

    I didn’t; I’m just not a moron who thinks that his wife coming home at midnight on a Wednesday, drunk, is indicative of a faithful spouse.

    But she and her AP must have been just as obvious: out in the open, at a bar, talking about her husband and his fiancee…and then drunkenly sucking face (okay maybe he wasn’t drunk).

    Were there any spectators, like CL was a spectator for Josh’s wife and Douche? I’d assume so. I also hope they got as much of a laugh (and some sympathy for the betrayed spouses) as they could, given they surely didn’t anticipate having to endure such a scene when out for an after-dinner beverage.

    It’s all so…B-movie. That’s the best way that I can describe it. My life became a B-movie, with a predictable and mediocre plot, contrived situations, terrible acting, and low production values.

    • Hi JC- I really like the B-movie analogy. I’ve described my ex chump scenario as being like a plot from a bad soap opera- all rehashed scenarios and formulaic cliff hangers. The worst bit of course, is you end up having to be in it yourself- until you write yourself out!

      • I have stopped discussing how it all unfolded. It is so moronic that people think I am embellishing the details to make the “story” more interesting. That is until they read what was printed in the newspaper. There is nothing like a publicized police report to forever sear the events in one’s head! OW has paid a fortune to those so-called reputation repair services to try to get it off Google, but purient interests prevail and the story just won’t die. Bless her heart, all that “good” Christian work she does and everyone stiill knows she’s a whore.

        • I could use one of those newspaper reports right now. Not only has it spilled out X was openly seducing people in front of our friends, but he caught in the AM hack. Red-handed; guilty, right? Nope, he has convinced a few people (who SAW his blatant misbehavior) that someone else made that account using his email for revenge. Apparently I need porn tapes of his sexual escapades to convince some people, and even then they would say the tapes were photoshopped.

          • Violet and Tempest – wow, do I understand! I had a whole briefcase of hard evidence, and for those who I told the story, they were not only incredulous, but refused to see the stuff when I offered to show it. Oh no! Not him! They wouldn’t believe what’s happening if they caught my ex in flagrante delicto. ks is correct, denial is huge. To admit to such means someone will have to address some serious cognitive dissonance, and that is very painful. So, in their minds, denial = no pain. I had a Psychologist tell me the acronym he uses for denial: Don’t Even Know I Am Lying.

            • I’m more worried about painful that was for you, Boudica. The very last thing a chump needs is in-validation. It’s like pouring salt on the wound and rubbing it in. Even being free of the crazy doesn’t erase what people do to you afterwards by playing Switzerland or being skeptical, even when you have evidence.

              Hugs to you, BR!

              • Thank you Tempest – big hugs back to you!
                The briefcase is still with me, still full with hard copies and full flash drives. I’m moving forward with filing a sexual predator report against him with the authorities. I’ve made the phone call, and waiting for someone to get back to me to get the ball rolling.
                Yes, I’m concerned about my safety, but I’ve moved to an undisclosed location, rescued a wonderful mid-sized dog who’s a great
                watchdog and very protective of me (and has a good sized mouth of very sharp teeth), and keeping a very low profile on all accounts – especially social media – just posting funny or feel-good memes and cute videos of adorable animals. If you or anyone else can think of anything else I can do, I certainly welcome suggestions.

        • Violet, dude I can totally relate. It is like the story is so fucked up people can’t believe it and think I am making it up. I am just DONE talking about it. The fucker is a wolf in sheep’s clothing…….believe it assholes!

    • “My life became a B-movie, with a predictable and mediocre plot, contrived situations, terrible acting, and low production values.”

      Yes JC, after D-Day I continually said that it was like a Lifetime Original Movie, actually maybe too cheesy and unbelievable even for that (and nothing says “bad acting” like two sociopaths who are thrown together ahead of plan…errrr…. make that three sociopaths since they apparently also loved group sex, but that is a story for another day).

      What isnthe saying? The only way to win is not to play. Or remove yourself from that B-movie.

      • “My life became a B-movie, with a predictable and mediocre plot, contrived situations, terrible acting, and low production values.”

        Freaking YES YES YES! That is exactly my reality right now. I hate it and want out of the crappy movie.

    • After Affair #1, my ex claimed that infidelity was pretty normal, everybody did it, and it was ‘not that big a deal’. When the couple’s therapist and I explained that those three things were not true, w/stats, he then shifted to ‘well, in movies and novels it happens all the time!’.

      I then had to explain that LAZY movie and novel writers will often go with the EASY route to drama and heartbreak. That didn’t make it ‘normal’ or ‘not a big deal’, much to the contrary, they use it exactly because it IS a big deal. They also often go with cancer and car accidents; are we inviting those into our lives???

      And who uses movies and novels as models for their lives, anyway? Oh, I forgot! Soulless people who don’t actually know how to live life, and who have no values of their own. THEY use them, I guess.

      So glad to not be dealing with the B movie drama any more. Who knew that life could be so smooth?

    • This isn’t the pain game J. However your B movie comment hit home.

      In family therapy last week with my cheater (I wanted to employ a family therapist to help my kids navigate the emotional process of being D.O.N.E. with my cheater), I asked cheater pointedly when did my life become a Jerry Springer episode and why was I never informed.

      At least I’m not playing ‘Who’s Your Daddy?” on the Maury show. I did put language into the recent will/trusts to address this though.

  • When something smells fishy…. it’s not good fish. FRESH fish doesn’t smell fishy. I don’t know how you didn’t say something. Since I have been cheated on…. I cannot keep my mouth shut. I shut down 2 men that have been friends of mine for years….men. they found out I was divorcing and went on to flirt…then say things that I took as a hint. I let them know I had no trouble telling their wives what they said to me.
    I hope somehow in Lancaster County a Josh with a 4 year old with NEW TAP SHOES somehow sees this. We are here for you Josh!!!

  • Josh needs to dump this bit of toxic waste with the rest of the trash. There needs to be a PSA warning Josh away from this conniving bit of worthless toilet grime. Why isn’t there an emergency management system to warn Chumps – because these cheater freaks of nature are unnatural disasters of which we need to be warned.

    Her approach to her marriage is the same as her approach to ordering dinner. She really wants salmon but she’ll “settle” for what she can get – for now. She followed “the path” but she never stopped wanting Mr. “It’s Complicated.” The problem being, of course, is that she’s cheating on a person with agency and feelings, not choosing between broccoli and brussel sprouts – but for people like this, there’s no difference. People are objects held on to or discarded based on their current appeal and/or usefulness. I would compare them to the walking dead, but that would be an insult to zombies.

    I have absolutely no tolerance for this shallow, narcissistic twit and the soulless, empty, not complicated piece of shit she rode to dinner on.

    • There is an emergency warning system. Walk up to them and be like ‘My phone’s batteries are dead, can I borrow yours? I’ll pay you 5 bucks for the trouble.’ Flip through the address book on said phone to find ‘Josh’, note down the phone number, and then make a bogus call. Later on, ring Josh’s number and tell him everything. Then give him the link to this site. Sounds kinda PI-esque, but FUCK cheaters.

  • Any fellow chumps questioning whether or not to disclose: how I wish, I so wish someone had told me—it seemed that everyone in this small college town knew, except this SAHM chumpo supreme….and when all came out about my ex’s tru wuv:-the MOST distraught person was his longtime MOW who had no clue she too was being chumped by the secretary du jour. MOW was so dismayed by the no longer secretary, now shiny new wife’s ‘lack of personality’—perhaps because this MOW had probably heard her whole life ‘oh, but what a pretty face you have’ (to go with her fat arse, fueled by 6-8 beers nightly)
    None of these people matter a whit to me any more, but they could’ve with a word saved me twenty years of my so-called life, and perhaps a happier young adulthood for my daughter.

  • maybe my meds aren’t quite doing their job, but I just feel saddened by this. Do the rest of you equate these scenes back to your own ‘situation’?

    Maybe it’s the ‘middle aged douche’ ringing too familiar – I can’t picture my wife as that blowhard – but I CAN see them eating dinner, him pretending to give a shit about our kids, the other bullshit, then back to her hotel (if he wasn’t too tired – sometimes apparently he was too tired….)

    It just all hurts

    Must be ‘pity party day’ or something – sorry everybody

    • Nah . . . no pity party. You’ll be just fine, believe me. It does hurt, but it won’t forever. I can say this now.

      Hugs for you and wishing you a good nights sleep. xoxo

    • I relate to this story . My x and his Piggy drove to out new home ( we had been transferred ) together for the day and played house while I was packing boxes and getting the kids through the end of the school year.

      There is a golf course across the road.
      On my first morning there I went across to their restaurant to get coffee and introduced myself.

      My x is clergy, so he stands out wherever he goes. The server said that she had already met me ( the Minister’s wife ) and I knew it was her!

      I kept a straight face. No point correcting her.

      • It bothered me too and makes me sad as something similar happened lastnight with my STBX and OW who happens to be my ex best friend now. SICKENING! I am just tired of the sick movie and their behavior. I want off the ride. I want this shit to pass and be able to not have it trapped in my mind all the damn time.

        • Chummy, she was never your best friend. My best friends and I would never graze in each others’ pastures. Since he and she did you are well rid of both of them. True friends are true. Spouses are true. They deserve each other.

    • jobin, a lot of times the topics on CL do brink things up from my situation but I’ve learned to use them to explore what happened and how I missed things. Today’s post discussion tackles the topic of how to tell the other spouse, which I will have to do before the end of the year. (Still haven’t decided what to do.) So it hurts but it’s also an opportunity to feel not so alone and receive the reassurance that it is not you, they suck.

    • I know, Jobin, it is sad and painful. Sometimes the only way to keep it in some modicum of perspective is with gallows humor and the camaraderie on this site.

      The pain is finite; each time you are sad or triggered by something written, think of it as giving up a little more of that pain until the bucket is empty.

    • Hang in there Jobin. Sometimes I get those waves… like just sad. What a waste. A waste of a beautiful family, a good life, a twenty year partnership. For what? Some strange ass? For a white trash dim-witted MOW?

      Such a waste.

      But then maybe it’s not Jobin. Because if not for this, we’d all still be living a lie. Instead, we are living authentically.. we still get sad, but we are living real lives.

      Big Hugs.

      • just wanted to say thanks you guys – I am really trying to focus on the positive. Like I am POSITIVE I am going to run that douche over if I ever see him again and then feed him slowly into a wood chipper, a la ‘Fargo’…

  • Woah! Good one Tracy! This is eerily sick, sad and redemptive all rolled into one, for me. Poor Josh… It gives me that lonely feeling knowing someone is a chump but they have no idea…its as if you’d do almost anything to get that cheater whore caught and exposed because you know the pain even if they are a complete stranger. Its sick! I really wish he could read this!

  • “Waiter, I’ll have the exuberant act of defiance with a side of salmon! [To douche:] God, I love being exuberant. Isn’t it wonderful to be exuberant? Salmon and not-my-husband’s-dick make so exuberant! [To waiter:] No salmon?? Woe! Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, give me transcendence, give me SALMON!!”

  • Also, we know that miraculous connections happen here. Let’s hope the CL pixie dust reaches poor Josh.

  • Holy. [email protected]!

    That whole exchange is eerily similar to my chumped up situation. Stbxw’s douche-tastic ap is 20+ years older than she is, lives off of his aging mother’s money, refers to himself as “the one percent” (did someone just ask for THE BEST menu item? douche alert!), and is well known as the town philanderer here (in Pennsylvania, no less!).

    Oh, and it was my mother who unwittingly (and much to get later horror) did the babysitting duties while my stbxw was out gallavanting with the aging douche (who happened to be sleeping with two other women while conducting the affair with my stbxw), specifically with expensive dinners involved. Oh, and stbxw plays the i-dont-wanna-be-separated-from-our-daughter card every chance she gets, despite the fact that our daughter’s welfare didn’t seem to be much of a focus during her affair.

    I’m still waiting for the stbxw to apologize to my mom and our daughter for lying to them, and for the douche ap for the pain he helped to cause my family. Something tells me that I’ll be waiting a very, very long time for that. As in, until the end of time itself.

    So, if you all needed an example of how cheaters are decidedly unoriginal in being caricatures of themselves, there you go! 🙂

    As for telling potentially betrayed spouses: Yes, please. I myself was tipped off to the stbxw’s affair by a caring neighborhood acquaintance, and I’m grateful for it. I guess there are a lot of expensive non-salmon dinners getting dished out to morally-bankrupt douche-bags out there…

    • Wow Sephage… like you, I also wanted desperately for an apology from STBX and his deceitful whore who was a FRIEND of mine.. as you say.. Hell will freeze over first.

      AMAZING that grown people do this sort of stuff. It is so very unoriginal and lame. Do they actually think this behavior is going to yield them long term happiness? That these morally bankrupt douche APs are going to be good partners? Or maybe they are incapable of considering that.. all they think about is themselves. They sure don’t consider us, the BS, or their kids. It’s all Me Me Me. I think my STBX believes the narrative he constructed that I am to blame for all of his problems, I never loved HIM enough, and I never gave anything to the relationship. Couldn’t be further from reality, but he believes it. And he clings to that narrative like grim death- because if the mask slips for HIM.. then he has to own what he’s done, and he is just too much of a coward to do that.

      Recently, I came to know that the deceitful whore’s husband (or X husband now not sure if they are divorced) has no idea about the affair. I have been TORN on whether to tell him. I think I shouldn’t until after the divorce is signed and delivered, protecting myself and my kids.. but I feel a real moral obligation to let him know what I know. You can’t control other people’s reactions, which plagues me.. but on the other hand, I would want someone to clue me in. In case the bitch ever came barking up his tree again… he’d have the knowledge.

      Your post validates my feelings on it.. although I am still undecided.

      • Newchumpatl–after your divorce is final, definitely tell the poor guy. No one deserves to live a dishonest life with a dishonest person.

        • Thanks, all – I feel and appreciate the shared pain, support, and mightiness of CN!

          newchumpatl – I agree with Tempest, after the divorce is finalized, tell the guy. With the divorce pending, this is one of the taste occasions where you need to eventually do the right thing, but need to protect yourself and your family first, in my opinion.

      • newchumpatl – you triggered a huge revelation that I had early post DDay but have forgotten about since. Several of cheater’s women were his ho-workers….mind you, he’s management and they are not, so HUGE issue. At some point, I asked him if it had ever crossed his mind that these women could have, at any point in time, turned him in for sexual harassment and he not only could have lost his job but also been personally sued by them or their spouse and we could have lost everything. Now, there’s a lot of ‘coulds’ in that sentence but geez, it could have happened. He just gave me that blank stare and said they would never do that. Uh, really? You hit on the wrong person and they turn you in. A spouse finds out and reports you and their wife to the company and then files an alienation of affection lawsuit against you. Cheaters jeopardize so much more than they realize for a piece of strange. Our home and daughter’s college fund could have been gone. And it doesn’t matter if it’s a ho-worker or not – the spouse of an affair partner can come after you too. I worked hard to legally protect myself as quickly as possible because I recognized what was at stake and he of course, didn’t. Any new chumps reading this – please take note and take care of you and your kids because your cheater certainly isn’t.

        • ByeByeCheater,
          My Xh was screwing a howorker while he was her supervisor. He had just landed his “dream” job and used travel time to have the f***fest with the whore. I got exactly the same response from him when I asked him “once, just once did it ever cross your mind that you could lose your job over this if she decided to report you.” His exact reply was “she won’t”. Entitled much? Denial much? Douche much? Yep!!!

      • All I ever wanted was only once ” I’m real sorry I hurt you like I did, we had great years together and me the cheater destroyed it with no thought to your feeling s or emotions. Instead of trying to get rid of you the chump I should have been open and honest, told you the truth, ended our relationship before starting another and all the lies. I the asswipe should have been fair in divorce settlement instead of trying to give it all to the whore and instead I the cheater should have helped you fairly and evenly go on to a new life since I the cheater still care” would be nice. Because they suck and didn’t do anything wrong. THAT APOLOGY IS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. FUCKER!

      • Newchumpatl, seriously…. Your story is all too familiar and you articulate it so well.

      • newchumpatl, I should also mention that my stbxw is also clinging to the false narrative that I am the single source of all problems in the universe. Nothing unique for cheaters in taking that blame shifting approach.

  • Part of the thrill is being out in the open. X never had a problem with this. What really gets me is how they can answer the phone or leave you a message when they are with the AP. Months into the divorce in one of her taunts she called me by my nickname the way he used to say it. He was the only one who called me this name. The thought that he was calling me and talking to me when they were probably in the same bed disgusts me. There is nothing sacred with these sick fucks.

    Josh built a dream home and had children with this shallow slut who will take him to the cleaners when he finds out. Yet he will have to pay HER child support and lose everything.

    Yet this is exciting for them. They are okay with playing with our lives, exposing us to STD’s and leaving us with the trauma of betrayal and hurting their children. To get laid? Aren’t all cheaters leading a double life? There are no mistakes.

    • Ugh–trigger for me. In an hour, I’m headed off to my first lovely STD testing appointment (the blood tests for Hepatitis, HIV, etc.). Last year after D-day, he swore only 6 cheats with grad-whore, and always wore a condom. One year later, tons of evidence of serial cheating so off to the doctor I go.

      • Ugh, so sorry, Tempest. I had to do this too, and it was miserable and degrading given the circumstances. Luckily it’s a one-and-done thing. Hang in there.

      • Good luck Tempest! I hope your health care provider is as wonderful as mine who had a nurse come in and hold my hand while I cried through both the internal sampling and blood test. I’d swear this was a somewhat regular occurrence as they handled me perfectly. Its unfortunate to think they had enough practice in this area to know what to do but it helped me.

        • Same here! My Dr was wonderful! To add insult to injury the last time she had seen me she had referred me to an infertility specialist and I had gone through that for a year prior to DDay. So she walks in asking about how that is going and blah blah and I had to admit, no the infertility treatments were on indefinite hold and I needed to get checked because of this. It was humiliating. But necessary! Good luck to you and HUGS!

        • How sad that medical professionals are well-practiced in solace of people being tested for STDs.

          I’m far enough out (a year) that there will be no tears, though they should be sure to remove all sharp objects from my vicinity in case I hear an Oxford accent.

          • My doctor was very kind when she ran the tests The good news is that I tested negative for everything they threw my way. The better news is that I’d not had sex with STBX for over a year (I waited before getting tested–totally slipped my mind!), so I didn’t have to go back for retesting.

            Best of luck.

          • Step away from the tongue depressors – they could poke someone’s eyes out 😉 Good luck! I go in for follow up testing soon and I will be going again. Pesky immunosuppressants. So far, Asshat has been lucky that nothing has come back positive. If something does, I will be attacking him with a jar full of giant popsicle sticks.

          • Selfish assholes, Tempest. I went in for my annual checkup shortly after DD and told my doctor the whole sordid story. She strongly recommended a full panel. I was humiliated but thankful for her diligence.

      • Sorry you have to do this! My situation was similar. When I found out, I asked about protection and she said they had used it. You know what, I didn’t trust her at this point. And her AP was a well known womanizer. So, I made an appointment to have it done. Not even sure the stbx knows that i’ve been tested. It’s humiliating to have it done. I will never forget the check up and telling my dr that’s what i was there for. It was really tough. Luckily, my dr was very understanding as she had recently been divorced too. It sucks that a faithful, loyal partner has to be subjected to this by a self-centered low life partner. You need to have it done for your safety. Good luck!

        • Nothing like being married for 24 years and being faithful then having to go see your doctor for a full STD panel!!!! Mine btw came back clean. I also asked about protection and was assured she used condoms with her boy toy…. but when I got in touch with boy toy, he said ummm nope never…. then she had to tell the truth. These cheaters are just fucking stupid!!! Oh did I mention she was not on birth control either?

          • Funny the pastor at the church who did marriage counseling, told her hmmmm…. did you know he might have just met up with a homosexual prostitute who he could have screwed with no protection right before you sleeping with him?

        • Yup, I went for STD testing on my 51st birthday. Luckily they were negative. That was 3 1/2 years ago and it seems like another life and a very bad dream.

      • So sorry Tempest but right there with you, I have a gyno appt next week and I am asking for the full workup. They suck.

      • So sorry. You should make this part of your annual exam for a few yrs.

        I DID have an abnormal pap a few yrs back, thanks to cheater and his buddies. I never suspected the cheating so I never put the two together.

        If you have been having normal paps and haven’t had sex with anyone but your spouse and then you suddenly have an abnormal reading, get rechecked immediately. If it’s still abnormal, you can bet millions of $ your SO is fucking supposed ‘clean’ people according to the cheater and NOT using a condom.

      • One problem mainly for the females. You may come back clean on what they can test for…. but HPV is not something that has any reliable test and can increase the risk of cervical cancer…. and also down the road genital warts…. These asshats suck!!!

  • Before I got chumped (? Or not, who knows when the cheating really started?) I was “the bitch” that ratted out 3 friends to their spouses. The first had been my friend since junior high. Her justification was that she was going to cheat because her husband was ‘bound to’ do it sooner or later. All I did was ask her what she and another mutual friend were doing in the neighboring city together – I had seen them together in her car – this was asked in front of her husband and was all it took to get things clicking for him. The 2nd was an acquaintance (at best), every time I saw her she would ramble on and on about another acquaintance. Her husband was in the band, she was the supportive wife, going to bars every weekend to hear him play…and screwing a groupie in the parking lot. I probably could have handled this one better – I told the wife of another band member what I had heard and seen and she took it from there. The last was, I thought, an amazing person who I instantly connected with and she and her spouse and me and mine were like the 4 musketeers (I know, there’s only 3, but we were close). She started talking about how another friend was the only one who understood her marriage troubles, she could talk to this 3rd person about things she couldn’t discuss with her husband. Why does a 3rd party know about your marriage troubles but your spouse doesn’t?! I warned her I was not the one to confide in if she were cheating – she seemed to want to brag about how much he desired her. So, I let her husband now so she could brag to him too. So, now I’m the bitch. Whatever. I knew I would want to be told. Fast forward to my own chump experience and I find out my brother in laws girlfriend knew. My husband told her he had been spending time alone with the pig. Then told her he thought it was going to get physical. Then confirmed with her that it had gotten physical when she asked.

    • Thats because the disordered don’t like being called out on their shit. Tough shit for them – do it anyway.
      The other excuse people like to scream is “Its not your fucking business!!!!!”
      Yes. It is my business when you are being a cheating cunt and the scourge of society, and I know your partner. Or even if I don’t. I don’t lie to people like those scum do.

    • Good for you, LoopDaLoop! You’re courageous and have integrity. That’s rare these days to find someone with the bravery to tell the spouse. I certainly wish our friends had clued me in.

    • Loopdaloop- why is he talking/bragging to another woman about it? Sounds like he’s flirting with her too. Getting a kick out of letting her know he’s up for cheating

        • Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Since I broke I’m actually scared of married men, they seem to be the worst, I won’t sit alone in a room with one.

  • I so wish someone had told me. An anonymous phone call … why? It would have saved me two years of mental abuse, in which I seriously doubted my sanity.
    After what I know? I would always tell. Sorry.

    I didn’t deserve that torture, that contempt and complete discard, whilst I was kept on for my housekeeping childminding and property management services. I didn’t.

    And Douche’s wife doesn’t deserve being in the ‘Cheaper to keep her’ aisle, either.

    • Agreed. I am sure that one of my work associates knew and probably encouraged the MOW with tales of how work driven I was/am. Poor X just wasn’t getting the attention he deserved and I was always traveling for work… Co-worker was subsequently fired (completely unrelated to me) and last I heard, he is now using MOW as a “consultant.” Only problem is he has no money to pay her, as his business is tanking. Now that my friends is karma!

  • It irks me that our mutual friends never once reached out to me during the divorce and embraced the the new hussy that suddenly appeared out of nowhere with open arms. Then I remember they are all vapid yuppies from the same mold as my ex. Enjoy!

    • Me Too!!!!!!
      Or as I say – Happiest Divorcee on the block, in the city, possibly the state!

  • Ugh this one hits today… makes me sick. First of all Cheating STBX’s name is Josh. And he was spotted with the OW lastnight in his truck. Taking her out and that OW happened to be my best friend (ex now). I am just so sick of it. We were together for 20 years with two young girls. Of course I am taking care of our girls lastnight and one looses a tooth. She wants to call her dad….. me KNOWING he is out and KNOWING he won’t answer her call. I texted him first and he replied have her call me. DOUCHE! His classic single of being with his “friend” as he calls her is he doesn’t answer his kids calls but then calls back 10 minutes later. So anyway, my daughter calls and he is all gitty and excited and pumping her full of positive….. like totally faking because he is in the company of a whore who he is trying to show off for. I just wanted to THROW the fuck up all over the place. GOD DAMN IT people suck…. I wish they would just get hit by a train. Would make shit a lot fucking easier.

    • Feel your pain. I’ve been tending to two sick boys for a week while my STBX is off on a last minute trip to London. Must be nice to just be able to drop everything and have a boatload off fun… leaving the adult responsibilities to someone else. I wouldn’t know!

        • I don’t know. But I know it will. 1. Our kids will know when the chips are down which parent was there for them. 2. We are living authentic lives, not stressed everyday when the next shoe is going to drop (for me this has been a huge improvement). 3. We have control of our own destinies.

          This does really suck Chummydoo.. I mean REALLY suck. Sometimes I’ll be sitting watching TV and a family oriented commercial will come on and I’ll just get sad. Or I’ll think about the holidays, the last vacation we had, when our kids were born, our wedding.. but then I realize, that man, that man I thought I knew? He’s gone. This new guy, I wouldn’t give him the time of day. He’s a POS. The guy I loved.. that may have been authentic at one time but now that man is dead. I think of it as a death. This new guy? He isn’t the same person, therefore those feelings I had in our relationship, they don’t really relate to him. The relate to someone who doesn’t exist anymore.

          For some reason, this helps me.

          • I like your thinking and I am going to adopt more of it. I know for me with out him is way less pressure and clutter in my life. I keep trying to think that way…… Everyday I try to think positive and move forward and you are right, I grieve my life not the new him and his SLORE. But fuck, it’s a god damn full time job trying to keep my sanity especially living in a shit hole small town where they live as well and having to deal with all the mindfuckery while trying to keep the kids safe/healthy and work full time. I know so many can relate… so sick to think of what people are capable of. Some days I can take on the world and other days I just can’t deal with the dramatics of this bullshit I didn’t ask for. WE GOT THIS newchumpatl!

            • Chummydoo, things get better, I promise. But tell your kids the age-appropriate truth. You will see with time that you are glad your exBFF and cheaterpants are together…this is their karma. All the things you hated about your STBX will be all hers to keep, he is not going to change and he will also cheat on her sooner or later. So, use your energy on hating them, use it on loving yourself and the kids more!

              The second thing that will happen is that your kids will learn, with time, who is the real, trustworthy parent. My youngest came to me desperate one day after staying over at his Dads house and said “Mom, please give me all those awful home-remedies that you give me when I am sick. Dad only gives me ice cream and I feel worse!”. And my older kid wrote an essay the other day for school on who she admired most in the world and it was about me and not cheater Dad! They also hate his temper tantrums and that he leaves them with a babysitter when he goes out at night during the times when they have to stay at his home. So don´t worry…continue being an awesome mom and taking care of yourself and sooner or later you will realize that any thoughts that go to cheater ass and his fckpartner are a waste of your precious time on this planet.

              • Sorry, left out the most important word: “DON´T use your energy on hating them, use it on loving yourself and the kids more!”

              • I am picking up what you are laying down chumpnomore and I like it. I need more of it today so a big THANK YOU!

          • That rings so true for me and makes me feel so much better. I think I took that sentiment to heart early on without realizing it. And I kind of had guilt about feeling nothing for him after DDay. I mean, I felt kinda abnormal. But you are right. The cheater replaced the man I knew and loved. I knew the instant that I discovered the cheating, I no longer knew him. The man I thought I married no longer existed. He was gone. In his place was the shell of man who looked a lot like him. BUT. He did not love me. Or our life. Our son. Nothing. He choose strange over the life we made. The family we created together. Infertility treatments to get our beautiful awesome son. And he walked away. That guy? I don’t even know him.

            • My sentiments exactly conniered. The man I married turned into the asswipe I’m divorcing the day he met the whore. And the new guy who took my husbands place, nasty bastard, depressed, fat, down on himself and everything else. Him I can’t stand. Hoping the whore takes him back I can’t stand the sight of this as swipe. Either way end of this year out he goes!!!!

  • It is amazing what people will talk about in public, or post on Facebook, or take pictures of. Privacy is dead enough without this type of public exposure of things that should be private. I will never forget a conversation I overheard while sitting in the faculty lounge one day. I was reading a book and having a cup of coffee, and an older woman I had always respected professionally came in talking to one of her girlfriends. She was bragging about a phone message she had left for her “new lover” that would “rock his world” and laughing. Basically she had told him what she was doing at the time, and what was going to happen to him when she saw him that evening. I am not a prude, and I don’t consider any of the things she was talking about wrong, per se, but I do consider them private. I would not leave that type of voice mail, nor would I brag about that message to a friend, especially in a public place, especially in my work place. This is an educated, professional woman, and I lost all respect for her in a moment, because she was behaving like a teenage tough girl drama queen, getting a thrill out of using NASTY words in public.

    I think Sparkly People think they are even more special when they do this type of stuff — I think they believe it enhances their reputation for being hot, and that it makes others jealous. It actually made me sick. I wonder, often, if there is any chance that the tide will turn against this type of exhibitionism. I do not want things to be so uptight that we have to cover furniture legs so that one doesn’t get bad thoughts, like the Victorians did, but really — a little discretion would go a long way, don’t you think?

    Why on earth would someone bare her breasts in a public bar, unless she was being paid to do so? Why on earth would a man send a picture of his “pride” to a woman who had expressed no interest in it, and really had never given him any indication that she would ever have interest in it? Whether I know the person, or they are a stranger to me, this type of exposure ruins any chance of positive thought for me. I was never able to see that woman again without that moment flashing back into my thoughts — she lost all credibility I had afforded her prior to that time, based on respect for her education and profession. She may have felt that her lack of discretion made her very special — to me, it made her especially crude, rude, and socially inappropriate.

    • Dear Portia,

      You have just beautifully articulated a pet peeve of mine. The word “private” exists for a reason. Just like the word “underwear” which more and more people appear to confuse with “outerwear.” I would also mention that there are words such as “class” and “home training” which also used to mean something and were things which people had or aspired to have.

      It is amazing to me what people discuss out loud with friends or acquaintances or on their cell phones in a public venue in front of total strangers at the top of their lungs. I have never been a prude but there really are things that I have always considered none of my business – some of those being the mating habits, toilet habits, etc. of total strangers. Whatever happened to the simple concept of “inside voice” and “outside voice?” Ever since I began to understand narcisissm as existing on a spectrum and read the studies indicating that Western society, particularly the U.S., is becoming more narcissistic, this makes sense but at the same time is sad and unnerving. Then you have amoral airheads like Esther Perel spouting nonsense while re-labeling immorality as “exuberance” and people of sub-average talent and mental acuity becoming sensations and by extension “role models” and the natural outgrowth of that behavior and thinking is an ignoramus sitting in restaurant squealing at the top of her lungs about salmon while having dinner with her affair partner and your co-worker believing sharing the intimate details of her sex life in a public space is “edgy” instead of crass and disgusting.

      CL and CN is one of the few places left where some level of morals and sanity still prevails.

    • I totally agree Portia. I think a lack of modesty can be a red flag in some cases, or at least it was for me. The OW (recently promoted to OWife) went on my radar for just this reason. It was about 5 or more years prior to my dday but I remember it like it was yesterday.

      The ex came home and told me that earlier in the day she came to work and told three men (him included) about a sexual encounter she had outdoors with her husband the evening prior. She had been drinking wine and he came home and just ‘had to have her’ right then and there. Then apparently she got even more graphic. This is a supposedly smart, professional woman.

      I was completely mortified because I don’t talk about sex with other women at work, let alone men. I also knew that the only reason a woman talks that way in front of a man is because she wants him (or in this case them) to think about her in a sexual way. That’s when I lost all respect for her and when the time came that I suspected he was having an affair, she was the first person I considered.

      I’m not a prude but I think sex is private.

  • After the shit hit the fan … And I went down to a gaunt 105 pounds… Bags under my eyes… I knew right away which pieces of shit were aware of Idiots affairs. The gutless fucks who went out on ‘ guys night’ with him and or offered cover for him. The ones who could not look me in the eye anymore. The gutless fucks who keep keep their wives away from me because guys night was code for’ I got your back if u got mine’
    I bumped into one of them at the store… Wife running to me saying ‘ OMG Clip are u ok? We havent seen you in so long! WHAT ? OMG I had no idea! Are u ok? OMG , honey u have to come over. Please let us know if you need ANYTHING.’ The Gutless Fuck standing behind his wife looking at the ground and cant not lift his eyes to see the fucking damage he helped cover…The telltale sign of a coward. I see you u fucking coward.

    • Clip, from my personal experience I am realising that it is easier for the majority of people to be f***ing cowardly than to be straight up and strong and stand up for what is right. But you have to remember that all cowards versions of right is not the same as ours and there in is our problem. There are too many weak, gutless and spineless cowards around. Our exs are prime examples together with their enablers.

    • I get it TheClip, and I feel awful for what you’ve had to go through. Hugs!

      Mine were not a bunch of guys doing the quid pro quo agreement. It was the women in the church he has slept with (last count was four, with circumstantial evidence to include a fifth bed-buddy. Though I suspect each didn’t know about the other, they individually did their part to rally the congregation to close ranks on my then-husband because if the truth ever came out – que in the sound of a live grenade being tossed into a house of worship (because most of them were married). That the mutual friend of ours did the flying-monkey-recon for him by reaching out to me in the aftermath was so audacious as to be ridiculous.

  • Can’t speak for all there are good honest people out there but it seems to me honesty and loyalty respect have gone right out the window. Hey can’t cheat on my girlfriend with my wife!!!! Funny since its happened already. Cheaters and the people they cheat with are just kidding themselves. My asswipe knows his whore is a cheater and she knows asswipe is a cheater. Good luck with that. We here know what it feels like to be betrayed. If in the future I hear or see friends or family being betrayed I will tell them. Better to know sooner than later. I value honesty and respect above all. Those who have not walked in our shoes and have felt what we feel and tsk tsk its our fault?! Fuck them!

  • I never realised just how stomach churning and sickening it would feel to be in a position to overhear two cheating scum having a public liaison until I read today’s article.

    If I ever found myself in a situation where someone I knew was cheating on their SO I would expose that mutherfucker in a heartbeat.

  • Dear Josh,
    I hope you see this.
    I hope you read the comments here and I hope it doesn’t make you too sad.
    The truth is a lot of bad stuff happened to those of us here but the other truth is we support each other and help each other work through it. So if you see this and you get that gut wrenching feeling (you may actually throw up and be unable to eat for days-but I digress) know that is the bottom, the rock bottom, and if you need that hand up, off the ground where you lay kicked and emotionally beaten, we will offer it.

    • tru dat

      then later it is so easy for those who suck to say “I know I made a mistake. I was weak and living in a fantasy world and I am so sorry. I messed up. It was you I loved all along, and now that you are threatening me with divorce, I really really love you even more, (although I won’t tell you the truth that I love the fantasy far far more than you, but its just that the fantasy didn’t actually leave his wife for me, so I’m stuck with you for now)”

      • Well Buddy mine still hasn’t done that and maybe it’s best if he never does. Chumpy me I’d probably want to forgive him… I danced and pretzeled so long I’d probably get sucked back in so maybe it’s a blessing. In a way I’d really love to hear an apology.. or an explanation.. or the TRUTH.. but I have realized I never ever will. I guess you never know, but it isn’t likely.

        • My guess with the X is when the whore catches on to his game of having to be burdened by his growing debt with no one to blame but himself and his dreams are dependent on her sacrifices she will dump him in a heart beat. She reportedly wants some sort of blessing from me, yeah right. We are just one big happy family. Predictably, when she dumps him he will profess false remorse to his children and try to explain away his sickness. It’s too late. I have NO desire to waste a second on his toxicity.

          • So true, Donna. Once you hit the threshold, contempt for the cheater never goes away, and the desire for any kind of connection to them never returns.

        • newchumpatl,

          Her “apology” did not feel like an apology, so it didn’t give me any sense of relief/completion/resolution/acknowledgement whatsoever, so by you not getting even a half-hearted apology, you probably aren’t in a much different place than those of us that did.

          And I agree in some ways I wish my cheater had just left, now that I’ve been through the wreckonciliation, the gaslighting, the stress of trying to resolve conflicting feelings, etc.

          Again, I think action is what is most important – after someone apologizes, do they act any different or better or become more human, more giving, more truly caring? (Probably not for 99.99% of cheaters, because that would get in the way of what they deserve – what they are ENTITLED to)

      • Mine never did that either. But he’s still with her…for now. (Only 4 months from Dday) We’ll see how the future works now that he’s free and she’s not. If The HasBeen ever did go the “I made a mistake” route he’ll get nothing from me but gray rock and if there is an apology it would bring unstoppable laughter!

        • I’d bet a months pay that it won’t last long term.. it almost NEVER does. Affairs aren’t like real life. Real life is messy, includes stuff like bills, taking care of kids, doing housework, stomach viruses.. etc. It’s not all fun and sparkly and meeting on your lunch hour to complain about your spouse and then screw! They suck.

      • Holy crapola buddy, have you been overhearing my cheater? What makes statements like this so INSULTING to the chump is that in my case the cheating began almost 3 yrs into a 21 yr marriage. So if they suddenly feel sooooo bad now that they were caught, and mine did not confess at all, thIs is a crock of shit. I’m a chump asshole, not a moron.

  • I was one of the fortunate ones who was informed of my partner’ affair by one of his colleagues, a young man whose identity I will never know. He used to see me waiting outside the workplace in my car each day. He also likely saw OW sashaying past my car each day as Ex would climb in for his ride. I used to idly wonde why they often came out the door at the same time, but she always carefully pretended to ignore him even though she was his “supervisor”.

    This ballsy young young guy paused by my car window one day, asked if I was cheater’s partner, and said “look I’m really sorry but you need to know he’s fucking the fat blonde we work with”. He then quickly retreated, apologising. I only had time to say “thats Ok, thank you”. That was all I needed to hear, I went straight home, downloaded a keylogger, and within a coup,e of weeks had all the proof I needed. I then threw him out.

    I have said a prayer of thanks to that young man many times since for literally saving my life. Perhaps he did hear them planning my poisoning, I will never know. Restored my faith in humanity. And made me resolve to out / punish / cut off anyone I know who starts cheating. Watch out cheaters!

    • Marci, you are so, so lucky. A man was convicted this week of pushing his wife off a cliff. That young man is a true hero.

    • I am so amazed! I love this site! Makes me feel more normal as time goes by!!! Unreal! 4 yrs out and I’ve been thinking it’s all me, but when I read others I realize it’s not me…

      I got all the same bull, the b movies, the stories, the lies, the crap, tried for years to make sense out of it, that somehow I needed to forgive see that he was a good ole boy that just fucked up, as “I could just ask her,she’ll tell me how much he loved me!”

      I see its them, not us… And the reality is, we’ll never get what we want or need from the cheater to make peace within ourselves…

    • I so wish my 20 year cheater would have been outed as directly and boldly as yours!!! High-five/fist-pump/slap on the back, to the man that had the balls to tell you. I often wonder how many people knew of my stbxh’s cheating. He hid it well from family and friends, but had a penchant for the young, single-mother, high-drama, party-girl type, and I doubt they were tight lipped.

    • I think that is utterly fantastic. Granted nobody wants to hear that kind of news, but for a complete stranger to tell you like that, makes me so happy.

      I know my X’s family knew all about his cheating. They all cheat themselves to they kind of look at infidelity as a natural progression of a relationship. You know . . . shit happens, blah blah blah. It makes me cringe to remember them in my house, eating my food, yucking it up on the back patio when they knew I had no clue what X was doing.

      One of my very best friends knows that another girlfriend of her’s is being cheated on. I asked her why the hell doesn’t she say something and her response to me was, “This is a small town. She’ll find out eventually.”

      HOW IN THE FUCK can this be a FRIEND of YOURS?!! So if I go to a mechanic and you know he’s going to rip me off, you wouldn’t say something? Would you knowingly let me send my mother to a quack doctor? Would you let me date a known child molester? I have no tolerance for this kind of behavior.

      Tell a thousand times tell! Jesus I don’t understand why the fuck that is so hard for some people.

      • The hardest part about being given a heads up is keeping a straight face when the louse comes home and doesn’t know yet that chump knows. I spent two weeks monitoring his computer activity to make sure the cheating story was right because I wanted to not be unfair to him, just in case it was a bad joke. I was astonished at his duplicity…continuing to be lovey dovey, asking me to buy stuff for him, even going so far as to ask me to help him pick out a christmas gift for his “supervisor” who was in fact the OW…agh! At the same time he was sending her lurv messages and tacky photos of his parts even though they worked at the same desk.

        I did use those two weeks to think about the Big Dump Day. It was strangely cathartic to have My Own Secret (that I was going to dump him) and to have the luxury of planning the timing. I dumped him on her just as they were having a lovers quarrel and she was jetting off on holiday without him. He ended up,staying in her one room apartment while she sat on a beach in Spain. Then she had to come home and share her single bed with him. He actually phoned me crying that I had been so mean to toss him. She got on and tore into me..I did my best cackle laugh and hung up. Some folks have a nerve.

        • I wish I could have sat on my info as long as you did. I pretty much saw a ping from a hotel via “Find my IPhone” and drove there straight away. What I should have done was wait about two weeks, save up more cash, and plan the next few months out. But it all turned out in the end. I got the house. He got the whore. 🙂

  • Dear Josh–I hope you ditch your cheating SAHW and refuse to take her back. Fuck her and the douche she’s sleeping with. They’re fucking each other. Be prepared for genuine Naugahyde remorse, since she stands to lose out on a very sweet lifestyle in which you finance her affairs. Stay strong and know that we here at Chump Nation have your back.

    And Tracy–thanks for this post! In my own life, STBX and Schmoopie seem to have reconciled after a whole 2 week breakup. I have my suspicions as to why they reconnected. I mean, just like Josh’s cheating wife and the Douche, it’s all Very Complicated. There are economic issues.

    Schmoopie wants STBX to get a divorce so she can marry him and he can support her. He doesn’t really want a divorce, since it’s expensive,and he has to spend money on Schmoopie or she’ll leave him. But he’s been presented with the fact that the law says there’s an equitable split. That’s a lot of money! But Schmoopie doesn’t want him to sign any agreement with an equitable split. She wants him to hire a lawyer that will waive the magic Settlement Wand that will allow him to walk away with all his assets intact!

    In my own situation, I’m laughing at the ridiculous fantasy the two of them share.

    Josh, I want you to know I’m weeping for you. You deserve so much better.

    • The Magic Settlement wand??? How many cheaters have thought they could pull that one out of the drawer, and isn’t the street already littered with X-Schmoopies that realize that there is… 1. No Magic Settlement Wand.. and 2. Divorced guys with kids have responsibilities and stuff.. like.. to their kids and that cuts into magic schmoop time. Parenting some other woman’s kids isn’t easy, or fun, or sparkly.


      KB- I hope you hire a great lawyer and soak that asshole dry. As for the asshole, sounds like he’s got his hands full with a schmoopie who needs a gravy train. Good luck with that. LOL!

    • Kb,
      The OW believed his lies that he owned half my house even though he never contributed a dime, I bought it for cash before I ever met him, and had him sign a tenancy agreement in case he ever tried on the common law crap on me.

      She had the shock of her life when I threw him out, sent him to live in her little dump with her, and she discovered he was penniless and in debt. She bombarded me with hateful emails saying I was cruel to have not “shared” my “wealth” with him…and using that as a reason to chirp about how I must not have loved him…at that point I could have cared less and told her to get over herself. What a laugh. And all along, she was helping him plan to poison me. True psychosis at work! Just a cautionary tale for any lonely person with a weaknes for strays. Beware of prospective lovers who are “down on their luck”.

    • Oh, yes, the magic settlement wand, the one that makes legal obligations and disappear! HA! The HasBeen thought he was going to get half the value of our home that he swore was worth $500,000. (Ya’ll have no idea how hard it was not to openly laugh at that) Turns out it was only worth $350,000. In the end he hired a lawyer that cost twice as much as mine and I still walked away with my house, my entire retirement (he had put nothing away) and some child support. He gets to keep his business and his whore. Good deal if you ask me!

        • My STBX makes way more than I do, but I can afford the lawyer because I saved up and budgeted for one. He is unhappy because there is no way that he won’t have to pay out a goodly sum of money. We are going to mediation and have a court date because he can’t get it through his thick skull that there is no Magic Settlement Wand. It is completely ridiculous that a simple divorce like ours has taken over a year to settle. We share a mortgage. That’s it. There are no children. We know how to divide the property. It’s just that he’s going to have to give me a large chunk of his retirement.

          Schmoopie doesn’t like that, and wants him to fight it. He spent nearly 2 hours of lawyer time consulting with a competent family practice attorney, who probably told him that he’s going to have to suck it up and pay. I will be interested in seeing if he retains her, but since he’s spending all his money on Schmoopie, he hasn’t anything left over for a lawyer.

          • Don’t you just laugh at the entitlement of these whores. We had nothing to divide, a simple divorce with no assets other than the money he hid,a small IRA, and my retirement. X was so infuriated that I filed he kept making threats and having whire inspired tantrums. I believe this is a result if having to prove themselves to the AP due to the outrageous lies they add to the narrative. The OW heard about how he supported me financially. They leave out all the bad decisions they made and their history of addictions and cheating. I swear this whore thinks she met a God.
            Now they find themselves in a rut as he has acquired more debt buying cars and paying a higher cost if living with her. My therapist said he was really dumb and I agree. What fuckkng woman wants a man who goes after his spouses pension and can’t hire a lawyer. A dumb one. Get his pension. And if he keeps whining go gir 69% lol.

  • ooo he uses words like “there are economics involved” instead of “I just want to fuck you not lose everything I’ve worked for my whole life you stupid needy bimbo!!!!

    CL I’m disappointed you didn’t say anything or even stare them down 🙁

    • I don’t know about CL, but there are some days when I would be able to take on this pair, and some days when I just couldn’t. I imagine she’s kicking herself hard enough, though. It would have been so cool if she had done something like thrown down a business card to the woman and said something like ‘Here, give this to your husband!” but I’m just being an armchair-quarterback. Some day’s you’re just too heart-weary for a confrontation.

    • I wouldn’t confront two hyenas in a public restaurant regarding their kill. People are trying to eat and you most definitely will cause confrontation. Plus, you are in a strange town with strange people.

      She got a good story and shared it with her nation.

      Remember, you are dealing with narcs. All you need are these fuckers following you out the door screaming at you when they realize they may be “outed”.

      No thanks.

      If we KNEW who the chumps were, that would be another story…

      • Calamity. You’re right. I’d be the dummy that would say something and then be accosted in the parking lot!!! Sometimes I’ll see couples in restaurants, especially in places like Mortons or Ruth’s Chris and they are obviously cheaters. They are looking around and staring into each other’s eyes a little too much and hands under the table. Anyway I’ll just look at them and you can see the paranoia set in. They start looking around and glancing at you and wondering who you are to notice them. And what is it about those particular restaurants that attracts cheaters?? The women always look so impressed about being there. Ugh cheaters are so dead giveaways. Jerks

  • Sounds like they had their Cheater Googles on! Everyone else is thinking WTF?? Who would want either one of these losers ?

  • You wanted to ask the waiter to spit in their food. Huh! Sigh. I hate cheaters, too. But please don’t stoop to their level.

  • Well no one told me about her affairs…. Her mom knew and participated in encouraging her. One of her cousins and a good family friend. Well they knew about the exboyfriend whom I call POS (he is a drug/alcohol abuser) sells drugs also. This being the guy my MIL pushed her to leave me for…. The boy toy of 26years…. was her secret. But since her mother also banged a 20 something when she was in her 40s and my spouse blew her up over it, I can see why this was not mentioned to mom. I wish someone had told me what I already knew, she was screwing around on me for four years and I went into the pathetic self denial “pick me dance”…. Now there is real proof, that shit is over nothing left but disgust and anger! I did tell the boy toys fiance about his affair with my wife. And I feel sorry for her because she went ahead and married the piece of shit….. All in all these people have no soul and they suck!!!!!!!!!!

  • So the post today reminded me of something that happened during my breakup…After Dday# I didn’t want my kids to witness me confronting their mother about her cheating so I asked my Dad and Mom to baby-sit so I could get a handle on things. I wasn’t 100% sure at the time that she was cheating, I only knew that there were like 1000 texts on her phone to my son’s best friends father. My Dad then told that about 3-4 months earlier, he had seen my ex-wife and he fuck-buddy having lunch together at a local restaurant. Both my Mom and Dad knew she was cheating but never said a word to me about it. They said that they weren’t 100% sure, didn’t want to get involved, or didn’t think it was any of their business.

    As a side-note, just yesterday my brother admitted that my ex-wife used to flirt with him, press her boobs against his arms and always ask for hugs when she was around him. My brother said he had told his wife and they had both noticed these boundary issues, but neither of them told me either.

    I think I will just love my family from a distance, when the chips were down and I really needed honesty and support, my family bailed. That’s pretty rough…

    • whodey67
      The OW worked in the family business. Yes h was stupid enough to allow her to talk him into hiring her incompetent ass. When DDay came my son, who worked in the business told me he saw the OW relentlessly flirting and throwing herself at his father. Another female co worker made a joke of it saying that Skank would be his new Mommy to him. Other women I knew (heck I knew their kids. Bought gifts for their kids even) in the office for years saw what was going on. No One, not one person had the nerve, including and especially my son to say “Hey TryingHard I don’t know what’s going on but something weird is.” Not even an anonymous letter. Nothing, no indication. I’m finding it very hard to forgive my son for not at least warning me The affair went on for 4 fucking years and he never once thought to warn me? He saw her at it every single day. She even wrangled an invitation to my grandchild’s first birthday party from him. He didn’t think that was weird? I don’t know. With friends and family like that who needs enemies?

        • Tempest. Well he didn’t know know but he saw her in action and knew something wasn’t right. She was exerting all kinds of power at the office and everyone couldn’t figure out why. Classic case of no one believed he would stoop so low. But my son is and adult. He’s no innocent. Never gave me any kind of warning whatsoever. I don’t know if he truly didn’t believe his father would be that stupid or he was too wrapped up in his own life. You see his own wife was cheating on him during that time. Yes my h saw how devastated I was about my DIL cheating that he decided it was a good time for him to cheat!! I don’t believe he purposely didn’t tell me I think he just turned a blind eye. Had he said anything it would have confirmed my already raised red flags about the OW as I had suspicions about her when I first met her before she came to work at our business. I just never had any hard evidence, just a gut feeling which I of course dismissed thinking I was being paranoid and dramatic. Lol never again. Lesson learned. Always pay attention to your gut!

          • Trying Hard,

            I too had a gut feeling. Years before. Amazing how accurate our intuition is. I chose to explain mine away….I’m sorry about you son

    • Whodey67–I’m so sorry. How painful. As the process goes on, we all start to realize friends are going to be collateral damage but our own family is too much.

  • Not cool, HH. You let it happen several times, and didn’t even tell your wife afterwards?

  • HH- you valued those boobs and that tongue down your throat vs your marriage. Who gives a fuck about creating a messy feud?! you didn’t have your wife’s back. I’m sure it was pure torture for you. And that those boobs and that snake like tongue overpowered you.

    Get real.

  • I ordered business cards, today, that read on the front:

    Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life…


    and on the back:

    Leave A Cheater Gain A Life

    Hell hath no fury like a chump Schorned

    along with it’s own little business card holder for my purse. I had an incident the other day where I witnessed a horrible chumping and left sick with the intention of going back to give the chump a piece of paper with this site’s address. Now, when I see the action or hear a chump story, I will hand them this card.

    Kinda like the Monopoly “Get out of jail free”. Which also would be a good title on a business card.

    I can’t thank this site or you chumps enough for saving me from false reconciliation.

    • I like that idea CalamityJane, where did you get them done? online? Because I’d like to order some and leave them at places I go to on the road for work. I wish somebody gave me one in the beginning of limp dicks affair with howorker. Could have made my escape 4 years earlier. I would leave them at random places, this cheating shit needs the attention CL site gives, the devastation of it all.


        I am sure there are people who knew about my ex’s penchant for cheating. They never revealed themselves. I always had to find out the hard way.

        • Right on thank you! Had it not been for CL, I might of stayed in my crappy marriage and lived the rest of my days a destroyed depressed case btw.

    • CalamityJ–that is fabulous! What a great idea. I hope you never have to witness enough scenarios to give them all out, but sadly I suspect you might.

  • All I can say from my experience is that if I had really known what my so called loving spouse was doing I would have been divorced within months not decades of marriage. Please if you have any respect for another human being let them know what their beloved cheater is up to.

    I would never have knowingly stayed with a POS who fucked other women. I thought he was an alcoholic who had been maltreated by his evil stepmother (poor woman was actually trying to live up to a dead woman’s reputation while dealing with a POS who fucked other women to compensate for whatever the fuck a cheater can come up with) Can’t win while playing the “who fucked me up most sweepstakes”
    with these assholes.

    I will no longer stand by while some POS (male or female) does this idiocy and blames mommy, daddy, big boss, global warming or wtf.
    My first steps have been to inform my beloved sons (one gay, the other hetero) that if they practice any kind of cheating asshole behaviour I will FUCKING disown them, I will always love them but if they fuck somebody over and make them a chump my little babies can get the fuck out of my living room and will not have my respect. I will attend their death bed but not their fake second, third , whatever marriages.
    This means I won’t keep my yap shut when I suspect something is wrong in their future relationships.

    What a horrible mommy I must be. By the way, I do not ever think my mother was negligent for never bringing up misgivings during my marriage. The poor woman (I can heartedly laugh) shared her life with a fiercely loyal man who respected her.She never suspected my x was such a slime. I both admire and envy her for that. At the same time I truly respect my father for being a good man.

  • Well… sometimes Cheater Karma Buses hit the Cheaters in a BIG way.

    So, years ago I was a Deputy prosecuting attorney. One of my colleagues was an attractive married male with two kids. Now, I sometimes heard female support staff make flirty comments to him but I never saw him respond or encourage it in any way. ( I would find out years later that he was having an affair with one of the female support staff that I NEVER would have guessed was carrying on with him. This gal was married to a house painter and from all I knew she was content and excited about being a new mom etc. They were both good at their jobs and I liked her and I liked him- I never saw anything unusual.)

    So…Years later, I open up the newspaper to read that this particular Deputy prosecuting attorney was intoxicated and caught in the football stadium having sex in the women’s toilet stall during a Seahawks game! Oh yes, the women just happened to be THAT female support staff worker and she had been drinking too. They got busted when this female Seahawk Fan was trying fdesperately to use the toilet and couldn’t get the people out of the stall after repeatedly banging on the stall door. The responding officer had the couple step out. He then foolishly gave the officer a phony name and so he was charged with obstructing justice and criminal trespass. The newspaper didn’t name her- but it sure did name HIM. The story made TV and my former chargrined elected boss had to do- SOMETHING! So, I heard that the female support staff got moved to a different office and the Deputy Prosecutor had to go work for a different county.

    This couple may still be together- I don’t know. I do remember being gobsmacked by the whole story and saddened for the Chumpy house painter husband. He didn’t deserve the humiliation of his cheater pants wife and the wife of the Deputy prosecutor didn’t deserve the humiliation either. The kids got hurt and embarassed and it was really shitty all the way around.

  • Grow up. You just couldn’t handle the fact that your wife would rightfully call you out on your pathetic shit and complete lack of boundaries. Is it really any wonder your wife doesn’t kiss you like that? Its because you’re not putting in the 50% effort required, but I guess thats too difficult for King Shithead, right?
    Your wife should be the ONLY woman who matters – and when some whore decides to attempt to touch you in an intimate way, thats when you push her away and say “Back off. I’m taken”. But you’re too much of a spineless dick to do that, now aren’t you?

  • When I was about 22 and working in my first office job (1980) I walked in on a couple having sex on the photocopier. It was a small room and as soon as I opened the door I saw who they were. I backed off so fast that I was never sure if they saw me, but it was a married girl my age and a senior exec who was also married.

    I was horrified when this cheating girl invited my husband and I to their house for dinner a few weeks later…i felt I couldn’t look her husband in the eye. We went to the dinner, and to my horror, the cheating girl’s husband came up behind me at the kitchen sink and did a reach-around on my boobs.

    I told him to sod off, left, and forgot the issue, figuring they had it all figured out!

    Another coupling in that same company asonished me because it was the CEO and a skank from my home town. I knew that CEO’s wife. Fortunately she was tipped off and dumped the bum. She later inherited a significant sum and when I looked the ex-CEO recently, he looked so aged and forlorn…an old narcissist withering up.

  • This article hits home for me. Back when I was with ExW, we had a great pair of neighbors. The neighbors would invite us to their parties, and were very cool to hang out with. When my ExW was turning thirty, she started to work longer hours, stopped sexual relations with me, and was moodier than usual. One summer day, I went out on my deck, and my neighbor was tending her plants. She could tell I was stressed about ExW, and asked if I thought she was having an affair. I remember my reply to this day! “No, she wouldn’t do that she is Catholic.” (Silly me!) Four months later, I caught her with her bowling partner in the SUV I bought her for her Tupperware business! The marriage ended that night, we informally split assets, and she moved out two weeks later. We sold the house a month later. The neighbors invited me to their annual Christmas part, and I was having a pretty good time. Until the former neighbors mentioned that they saw a man leave my house during the summer months. They knew my wife was having an affair back then, and did not tell me. Then another couple who live on the block said they saw the guy also!
    I was floored and soon left the party. After the divorce was final, ExW admitted to 3 APs. Summer guy was #2, the guy I caught her with was #3. All three were married men. Luckily, 5 years later I found a wonderful woman. Married now, and have an awesome daughter! ExW is married to a guy who looks a lot like her father!

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