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Dump “Scorned” Already

Here’s a word I’d like to see disappear from the infidelity conversation — scorned. (Almost always referring to a woman.) “Scorned Detroit Woman Lists Cheating Ex’s Batmobile on Craigslist.”

Really Fox news affiliate? Really? SHE OWNED THE CAR.

“Since the car was in my name, I decided to repossess it from him,” she says, smiling. She posted the Dodge Nitro on Craigslist with the headline: ‘Cheating boyfriend thought he was Batman’.

“I got that car for him in my name because I thought that he was going to love me forever,” she admits.
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During their relationship, her boyfriend tricked out the car to look just like the Batmobile. The car is covered in Batman logos and decals and includes upgrades like Bluetooth and a radio touchscreen that plays Pandora and movies. The enhancements came with a $5,000 price tag — and was paid for by the other woman.

When Amy found out about the affair, she started plotting.

“I knew this was the way I could kind of just hurt him back where it counted,” she says.

She writes on her Craigslist post, “I got [the car] for my ex, who turned around and got all the extras paid for by his side chick.”

“I outsmarted the con artist,” she says.

See, the word you were looking for, Fox, was “outsmarted.” Let me rewrite that headline for you: “Badass Detroit Woman Sells Car She Once Gave to Unappreciative, Cheating Jerk.” There. That’s better.

WTF is it with scorned? It means to “reject (something) in a contemptuous way.” I scorn your offer of bran muffins! Bring me pastries!  or

“Oh really? Bran muffins again?” said the teenager scornfully

Scorn when applied to chumps implies that you are the jerk. You are the one who failed to appreciate. You are the one who is being irrationally upset and are more than a bit unhinged.

Oh my God, she’s going to sell something that belongs to her! Quick! Call a reporter!

Ironic, isn’t it that chumps get stuck with “scorn”? Because contemptuous rejection is EXACTLY what cheaters do. How come they don’t get called scorned?

Cheaters are “wayward” and “broken” and know not what they do. But poor sappy “betrayed spouses” better not get uppity, bitter, or scorned. Then shit might get real. Someone might call a lawyer. Consequences!

Call it whatever you like, cheaters. The repo man is still coming for your ass.

— Tracy Schorn

scorn

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  • This woman is my hero! She knew about what was going on and showed patience in waiting for the right moment to make her point. We should send her a thank you card!

  • So very true CL. “Hell hath no fury…” needs to be revisited and revised rather than mindlessly regurgitated.

  • Hear! Hear! Scorned has got to go. The phrase should be. Hell has no fury like a woman betrayed. That puts the power, and the blame right where it should be placed.

    • Yes – exactly. The particular phrase was coined in 1697 when people dreamed of putting a pox on each other and many were sewn into their clothes for the winter. I like to think we’ve moved on linguistically as well as sartorially. It should be BETRAYED. In Congreve’s case it’s just that the word had to rhyme with ‘mourn’d’. We are not forced to go about our lives in couplets.

      You never read that cheaters are scorn’d when their spouses walk away from the incessant cake-eating. On this theme I looked up the old word and found this quote:

      ‘Maladies seize thee, ’till thou be scorn’d and loath’d by all the World; may all Misery and Misfortune accompany thee, the Devils and Despair pursue and overtake thee, Hell and Damnation meet thee, and a thousand other Curses attend thee to all Eternity.’

      Not exactly ‘meh’ but I think it covers everything and would make a surprising addition to a greeting card.

      • You never read that cheaters are scorn’d when their spouses walk away from the incessant cake-eating. (Thank you ElectricTulip)

        THIS ^^^^^ cheater is the one scorned in my case from day one after D-Day! He went right to the bank and took large funds out of our savings a hid it at his Mother’s home. He went on a smear campaign telling everyone I was crazy and turned his entire family, lots of his friends and our son against me by telling them all kinds of lies about me. He had the OW call me and threaten to kill me for telling her husband about them. She also called the police to see if she could get me charged on harassment for that ONE phone call I made to her husband. Then HE called me back a second time thinking his wife and my STBXH were together at a hotel close to where we lived.

        They were SCORNED, NOT ME! After I discovered their affair. I was devastated and hurt and only seeking truth.

        • Sweet Kate (carrying on the 17th century) – do you mean he was scornful, not scorn’d? Fortunately, bearing in mind that the fault is in our selves, not in our stars and that inevitably he will be uncovered as an ass, a mountebank and a knave; a pox of general derision will fall down on him. I’m scorning him now, frankly and there’s an orderly queue behind me. 😉

              • Yes! But nothing became of it obviously, how is ONE phone call considered harassment where her husband talked to me for 20 minutes, I screen captured the call on my phone to cover my ass. I did’nt trust any of them.

                Oh ya, you know how I found out she even called the police! STBXH called me back then and told me and he also told me to stop calling her because the police might come to my door, he protected her! He was up north with her and I was at our home. It was horrible. 🙁

            • Kate

              The word I use to describe his whore is classless. Kermit meets miss piggy. It’s another epic tale of a serial cheater meeting his mirror image. Just fucking himself as usual.

      • “We are not forced to go about our lives in couplets.”

        I love that. I have to use that some time in my classroom!

  • Look, I am an old Geek of sorts, but maybe… just maybe she should set her sights a bit higher next time? You know, somebody who wants to transform their car into a testament for a DC Comic fictional character is probably not the surest sign of maturity. It’s like something a teenage boy would think is really cool.

    The fact that he was cheating and conned another woman into paying for those “upgrades” just ties ii all up and puts a bow on it, IMO.

    • I agree. But better she took the stupid folly back then let Bat Boy have it.

      I considered making a crack about Don’t Date Men With Action Figures, but then I figured that some nerd chumps (with action figures) would speak up. It is pretty immature, IMO, and that’s not a sign of someone I would want to date. (But of course I’m square, middle-aged, and already married.)

      It’s incredibly dumb and chumpy to buy your BOYFRIEND a car. Women, don’t date a man who can’t afford his own car!

      That said, I’ve done some really chumpy things in my time… (cringe.)

      • Timeheals, I don’t think there would be a one of us here, if we had had the ability to see our X’s for what they were. We all know how this works, how the charm us, con us, gaslight us, play with us, her particular version of it was Bat Boy. So many of us didn’t see much worse characters and perhaps we got fooled because they were attoreneys, professors or doctors. Many of us have set our sights quite a bit higher but came to the same end. Character is character whether it is a cosplayer or Prince Charles.

        • I am pretty far out, I guess, and when I look back, all the warning signs were there, all the testing of boundaries and manipulation were always there and only escalated over time, and I actively chose to overlook things, did not defend reasonable boundaries, and so on.

          It’s safe to say that part of my chumpiness was the result of me wanting to see only what I wanted to see, and my ego had a bit to do with that. Sometimes you really need to spend more time listening than and less time thinking about what you want out of things, I think. At least that’s what I learned.

          It’s normal to want a stable and secure relationship, to trust and make yourself vulnerable to somebody you are very intimate with, but… is that being reciprocated really? I look back, and I can say despite deeds here and there and nice words at time, no… it wasn’t being reciprocated. There was always another agenda being kept from me, and I would run smack into it sometimes and chose to ignore the obvious: I was settling for crumbs.

          Which is why… I’d like to hear a detailed back-story on how Batboy had a grown woman buy him a car. lol

      • I am the 45 yo chump with action figures who just bought her own black SUV. And a top of the line skateboard. Hee!

        Seriously, it just makes good financial sense for her to cut all ties to the loser. Side chick is also a dummy.

        PS-that black matte paint job is the worst and screams primered 1985 Madza Miata.

        Someone here surely owns a Mazda Miata. Salud!

        • Ha! Asshat used to have a Miata but sold it not long after we got together. The roof leaked on the driver every time it rained. Fun times. He misses it so much, he spent all kinds of time choosing a special rental car for his week to visit family. What is it? A hideous, final generation Miata. I don’t even understand how he shoehorns himself into those bc he is no pixie.

        • I’m 36 with several anime and comic book action figures. I stopped mentioning them a long time ago since a bunch of boy men seemed to think that made me the perfect woman….the same way a female robot would also be the perfect woman. Anyway. The nerdy sci-fi, action figure and comic book lover is only a small 1/14 of who I am. Dress up as x-men characters for Halloween? Hell yes. Have an actual Batmobile and it starts making me judgey. But so do other expensive adult fun vehicles. So whatevs. To be fair I haven’t bought a new action figure for about 10 years. But I still love mine…and my wall scrolls.

      • I bought my ex a car!! Then another after that. Then repaired it. Man oh man – why?!? Didn’t I even see that coming? I bought him cars because it’s easy to me, it’s logical common sense: problem = fix problem!! It’s not a big deal to buy a little car to fix a transport problem. But now I know that a man who can’t fix little problems ain’t gonna fix big problems. (Or washing machines, taps or anything round the house without detailed instructions)

        • You just hit on a big topic, at least for me. I should have known by my x not even being able to keep his own bathroom clean or do his own laundry properly when I met him at 23 (we were both 23), that he wouldn’t be able to figure out how to deal with bigger life demands and relationship issues further on down the line together! I took over the “to do” lists of our life together so he happily piled it on over the years. I matured while he continued to only focus on himself having a fun time in his life, leaving the adult responsibilities to me. After a while he wanted a new playmate b’c I was too busy many times doing our dirty work. Huh.

          Great point, MidlifeBlast! If they can’t share the hard work in the beginning, they sure won’t be fair about any other issues later!

        • I just wanted to mention….I bought my husband every car he ever owned…even now when he left with OW. Now I recognize that it was the wrong thing to do….that he was taking advantage of me. It was my way of expressing love…and it was stupid. Cheaters don’t understand love. They will take gifts and have no conscience of right or wrong….

        • “But now I know that a man who can’t fix little problems ain’t gonna fix big problems. (Or washing machines, taps or anything round the house without detailed instructions)”

          My missed RED Flag too! However, at the time I thought it was refreshing!?! …Only because my father was a great “fixer” that blamed his gooder than gold children for every repair, thought other peoples’ kids could do no wrong-all part of the discard and devaluation. He was also a huge philanderer.

    • Speak for yourself. I have a Batman tramp stamp and I love it.

      Wish I had the $15k this woman wants for the car. It’d be perfect if it went to a nerdy chump

      • Sure enough! See Luz and you have action figures and now I must rid myself of my unfair prejudice. (But really, can anyone overcome the 40 Year Old Virgin associations? Remember his collection?)

        Sorry I maligned action figures.

        • But the advice about dating people who can afford their own cars is solid. This was part of my grandmother’s standard question of boyfriends. She’d always ask what kind of car they drove. The answer told her 1) if they had a job, and 2) a rough idea of income level.

          Any future partner must have a job. While I have a lot of compassion for the unemployed/underemployed, and while I realize that a lot of people–especially those in their 50s and 60s–haven’t bounced back from the 2008 recession–for my own mental comfort, I’ll feel better if the individual holds down a job with a livable wage.

        • Eh, you aren’t altogether wrong. I have met my share of “failure to launch” loser nerdy guys, like my XH and the Batmobile loser.

          But the late Steve Jobs and Bill Gates were/are nerds. Comic book superhero movies are being churned out at 4-6 per year (and making a bundle), Star Wars is being revived, 2-3 new comic hero shows are debuting on television every year, and fantasy fare like Game of Thrones, Twilight, and Harry Potter have been dominating everything. And we all know Seth Green has more money than all of us put together.

          It’s a nerd’s world now, and the responsible nerds are out there.

        • Late to the party but DAMN, CL – I has the toys, I have dinosaur and other robots. I have a light saber, I have the R2D2 robot that learns – he’s freakin awesome. AND I bought my bro’s entire family light sabers and R2D2! Also I am distressed that I missed out on the first release of BB-8 droid, now I have to wait to get him.

          I although I don’t give a flying fuck, I own one and it’s really cool! You too can enjoy it: http://www.amazon.com/ThinkGeek-Flying-Fuck-RC-Helicopter/dp/B002P4J2P8

          But yeah, don’t buy your boyfriend a car….

            • Ok, we are even I have to overcome the thought of you collecting pine cone elves, whatever these are, they sound scary, heh. Just show your awesome husband the li

          • I has toys too. I have a Star Wars Storm Trooper bust, Ashoka Tano figure, model Triumph Spitfire Open Convertible, Kabuki figures, Adventure Time figures, Pukka figures, The Nightmare Before Christmas figures, Kick Ass Barbies, miniature Blythe Dolls, Makita Bust, Momiji Dolls, Samurai Warrior figure, Chinese Dragons, SpongeBob SquarePants figure, various Hello Kitty figures and paraphernalia, Lucky Cats, PG Tips monkey soft toy, various teddy bears, Sunshine Buddies, fridge magnets, plus a few other random odds and ends.

      • Shit I’m in my 30s and just got rid of my teddy bears. Mainly because he bought them. But I plan on buying another! Nice cars and a good job and he can still be captain douchebag! Heehee

        • Queen, I just tossed Beanie Babies the dumbAsshat used to get me, last minute, when he couldn’t think what else to get me. I did recently buy myself the Lego figurine of the Mouth of Sauron on his horse. It stands guard near my bed so that Asshat stays away.

        • I once had a staggering collection of Vermont Teddy bears that the ex bought for me. At first I thought it was cute, but he’d always send them to where I worked. That was fine until I got home and he harangued me for hours about the reaction the gift got from all my colleagues.

          He didn’t buy those things with me in mind, he bought them so he could show off what “a great husband” he was to complete strangers. I took them when I left the house but after a few months I stripped them of all their cute outfits and donated them to an organization that does ‘forensic interviews’ with children who are physically and mentally abused.

          The teddy bears make them feel better while talking about these horrific things. I hope they made a difference. I was going to put them in the dumpster but I thought they would be put to better use that way.

          • There is something incredibly apt about those Bears’ fate.
            And compassionate, too. Talk about a win win.

            I don’t know if you intended this story to be funny, but I just laughed out loud.

    • TimeHeals,
      ‘ set her sites higher’ ….. That statement would apply to a lot of us. Doesnt matter if they collected ancient artifacts, troll dolls or matchbox cars. Cheating is a character flaw… Not poor taste or lack of refinement. I am sure a lot of folks on this site will tell u their highly educated and refined spouses dumped their wad into a bubblegum snapping two bit street whore.
      Chosing a spouse that has big brains and a wine collection does not garantee they aint closet dog fuckers…

      • Exactly!

        You know, I hate the “you should have known better” speak almost as much as being called a scorned woman. I get it, I picked bad. Doesn’t mean I deserved to be cheated on.

        Closet dog fuckers. *High five*

      • Yep, my STBX is highly educated and has a very good job. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 7 years but before that I had a good job (I put him through pharamacy school and he repaid me by sleeping with several of his pharmacy techs). Despite my education and intelligence I played the pick me dance for years (major chump) and despite his education and intelligence he traded his wife and family for his latest side piece (his true love) who is 15 years younger than him and is quite a trashy whore. Cheaters gonna cheat no matter how much money they make (or no money at all)! Thankfully I am done being the chump and I am ready to get my life back!

        • My STBX was employed as a rocket scientist, nearly 8 years older (I was 19 at the time), and I met him when he was driving a friend’s van. He often drove his roommate’s truck, or my car. He owned an old Harley Davidson that broke down all the time, a model which wasn’t a bit cool in the mid ’70’s. I think we were married a decade before he actually bought a car. How did I not notice that I was buying all the cars for years? Even the 1960 Corvette he “found for me”… I still own it! He did buy me my only new car ever, a lexus suv that at 10 years old still looks brand new. His truck of the same age is literally falling apart, no tailgate, ripped upholstery, has dents and scratches all over and is filthy all the time. Yet Schmoopy rides around in it…I know because I saw her duck down as they drove by one time! What 55 year old woman ducks for her cheating boyfriend when the wife has already filed for divorce? Maybe she’s been ducking for him such a long time, it’s normal. Hope she keeps it up. Trust that he sucks!

      • Clip, you crack me up! Gosh, you have a way with words. I’m pretty sure we could be BFF if we lived near each other! I too have a “shoot from the hip attitude!” Love the dog fuckers bit!

        • Roberta, I prefer “shoot from the lip attitude” ! You girls are brilliant with your comments. They always make me smile. 🙂

      • Go easy, ladies, some of us well-meaning and newly-available chumps have big brains and a wine collection, but are sans dog-f*cking… 😉

      • True, mine was a big-brain+wine collection type. I would still like a big-brain+wine collection type in the future, sans being an arrogant jackass.

  • Lmao, the repo man is currently searching for my shitstick ex, too!!! Among other debt collectors….

    “Bye Felicia!!!!!!”

    • It is an awful-sounding word innit? But I always did like the “More to be pitied than scorned” saying. It has just a touch of that Southern USA “Why bless your heart.” about it.

    • Like! Perfect witty come-back if I’m ever confronted with the word “scorned,” or the equally distasteful “bitter,” or, “vindictive.”

      With a twinkle in my eye, I shall repeat, “Actually, I prefer the term Emancipated.”

      Hahaahah!

  • Or “Successful, intelligent, generous woman sells Batmobile purchased by her for LOSER boyfriend who sponges off women and can’t even afford his own Bluetooth”

  • I also don’t like ‘scorned’ because it’s implied that the woman is acting insensibly out of emotion, and doing hateful things *just* for spite.

    What if her actions are completely justified?

    Whenever i hear ‘scorned’ I think the person on the other end doesn’t want to face consequences, or deal with the fact that women have more emotions than just “nice”. (Yes, we get mad, too, when we’re pushed hard enough!) They also might be subscribing to the mindfuck of ‘It’s not what I did, it’s your reaction to it, that is the problem!”

  • I think her first red flag was that the asshole didn’t have the money or credit to buy his own damn car and second red flag was that he wanted to trick it out to look like Batmobile.

    • “I think her first red flag was that the asshole didn’t have the money or credit to buy his own damn car” a red flag to watch for as you return to the dating world.

      Funny story…my now husband already had a (nice, paid off) car when we first started dating, but once, he said he was saving gas & driving his dad’s car to our date. His dad gave it to him upon entering a Nursing Home. I was picturing a nasty old rusted POS that limped his dad into the Nursing Home and puttered out.

      I was quite smitten with this man and eagerly waiting for him in the Panera parking lot not caring if he arrived in a rusted out 84 Rabbit. I was literally looking for a rust bucket when the new Lexus Hybrid pulled up…I think I controlled myself to not ask “who the hell buys himself this car then checks into a Nursing Home?”

  • She may want to send the OW a picture of the $ 18 000 check and say ‘ Hey, thanks for the upgrades. You might want to get Batman a bus pass’

  • Err…bought ex a car for Xmas, anniversary, birthday–they come in a row. I thought it freaked him out. Later one gf asked me why I did that, when I sorta knew about her. Said, “‘cuz I could.” Badass giveth, badass taketh away. Badasses can be chumps, too. And all men think they are Batmen; some just hide it better…just sayin’.

  • Scorned? Yeah, she contemptuously rejects the way she’s been treated and won’t take sh*t. Chumps be damned for sticking up for themselves. *Rolls eyes*

  • The sad thing is that we all trusted someone who betrayed that trust. Instead of being grateful for the chance to drive a car he wanted but could not afford, he abused the person who provided the car for him to drive. When I married, I had the notion that we were in the relationship for the long haul and there would be both good and bad times, and we would have each other’s back. Little did I know that I would be placed in the “giver” position forever, and he would always be a “taker.” That gets old, quickly. As CL has previously observed, adult love is not unconditional, and is expected to be reciprocal.
    In this case, when loverboy says “I’m Batman” I hope the next woman will say, “Who Cares?”

    • For 18 years, our money was our money and I gladly shared and contributed. When he had his OW, i diverted my whole income to an acct he had no access to. During a very chumpy time of our wreckonciliation, I tapped into my acct to help our family finances but when I was SURE our M was on solid ground, I gave him some money for a his business. <– regret that now, but where finances are concerned I came out on the top of the heap. When he died I got everything plus a big pile of life insurance $ then married a man who has more money than me

  • During the divorce process from my ex, he happened to say….. “I guess I bit the hand that feeds me”. At the time I didn’t understand what he meant as I was not the breadwinner in our marriage. However, for 27 years of our marriage he was on a steady diet of kibbles and cake. So, glad I am going forward, slowly gaining a life and leaving that trail of betrayal behind.

  • “Scorned” when applied to this woman is just factually wrong. She can only be “scorned” if someone *else* rejected her or showing contempt of disdain for her. Who was that? What I see instead is that someone took advantage of her on the sly (that is, *without* rejecting her and *without* any outward showing of contempt or disdain). As we say around here, Bat-Boy was eating cake. Truth be told, it was this Bad Ass Michigan girl who, upon learning of her doofus-beau’s trickery, SCORNED *HIM*. She rejected HIM and showed contempt and disdain for HIM by taking back the embarrassing man-toy and outing HIM on the Interwebs. Whereas in fact she was strong, she has been portrayed as weak. That’s arguably character assassination but undoubtedly terrible journalism (Fox News, I’m looking at *you* here).

    Obviously, this lady needs to fix her picker. She had several red flags that this dude was not relationship material long before she discovered the cheating. I would advise any woman that they probably shouldn’t expect consistently mature behavior form any man who: a) imagines himself as a superhero; b) thinks it’s a good idea to display his love of kids’ toys to the world at large; and c) WOULD ACCEPT THE GIFT OF A CAR FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND. Ladies: this kind of guy is not “cute” or “quirky* or charming in his *need* for you. He’s an emotionally stunted, dependent, puerile, selfish douchebag.

    • Wait… I’m an emotionally stunted, dependent, puerile, selfish douchebag for buying a hoodie and laptop decal with the logo of one of my favorite console games on them? Showing my love of “kid’s” toys to the world.

      I certainly dont see myself as a super hero and i purchased both of my cars myself, but #2 doesnt mean I’m a selfish asshat.

      Now, if that person, in collusion with 1 and 3, chose to destroy their family finances in their quest to aquire all of those toys, its different.

      During false R, the ex and i visited a Renaissance faire. (I’ve always been a dork, that will never change) We stopped at an armor and weapons vendor and were drooling over a sword. Then he said, “It’s too bad you didn’t bring your big credit card. Then you could have bought me this sword.” That’s when the whole situation slammed home. There is nothing like shreaking “You cheated on me with some dumb slut and you think i should buy you a $ 900 sword?! You’re still fucking her, aren’t you? ! You wouldn’t be so damned cocky if you weren’t! “in the middle of a crowded Ren faire. He wanted me to spend money he knew damnded well he couldn’t afford to spend, because he thought he was a rockstar. And “his car” was my car, but the new mustang was much better for a rock star to drive than the 98 Cavalier that he drove to work. Which was also paid for by me. *sigh*

  • Wait, isn’t “scorned” the person who is the recipient, and “scornful” the person who is doing the scorning? I think when people refer to a chump as being scorned, it means that they were scorned and rejected BY the cheater, not that they are doing the scorning. The cheater scorned the chump as though they were but a bran muffin. Or am I totally misreading your interpretation? (I have not yet had coffee, so that is as likely as not.)

    Either way, hooray for this bad ass woman who now knows not to date bat boys!!

    • That’s what I thought, too. Scorned is what you are at the point you lose the pick-me dance. Treated with contempt and rejection. But the woman who sold the car did the scorning in this case. I have no problem with the word. It’s just one more word that’s used in the wrong way a lot. That’s why this site is so great. The chumps scorn the cheaters, which is how it should be.

      Like Todd Courser and Cindy Gamrat, with his idiotic attempt to deflect his cheating by starting a rumor that he was soliciting men. I read today that they are both learning about being scorned.

    • Free Vixen–I agree wholeheartedly with you–your’s was my life long interpretation of the descriptive word, ‘scorned’. The xbf was ‘scornful’ of me–ie: contemptuous. In keeping with the theme of today’s post, he had access to my vehicles. He used that access in ways that all of us in CN can imagine.

      Once I discovered his philandering, I asked him “Do you know what ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ means?” (English is his second language).

      He had no clue. I told him “that’s okay. You will soon know in intimate detail what it means”.

      In short order, he was evicted from my seven figure home and went directly to the local homeless shelter.

  • I had bought my hubby’s biz car (an Audi) out of its lease when he left his architecture practice to start a solo practice. (or rather, when he was forced out of his practice after sneaking behind the back of his long-time best friend and biz partner on some lucrative biz deals) Chump that I am, I didn’t see this as the red flag that it was. (Cheaters are usually cheaters in more than one arena of their lives.) I went the extra mile and set him up in his own solo practice and I even hired my former intern to help him out as his office assistant. I continued to cover all household expenses for our growing family from my demanding job while he “ramped up his new biz.’ Well, he ramped it up all right. Within a year he had run off with the assistant, leaving me with a toddler and a newborn baby and all of the expenses! Not one bit of child support from him and he was using martial assets to pay for his new bachelor pad, so effectively I was financing that venture as well. Because the Audi was still in my name, I continued paying the note, along with all the insurance, even though he was driving it. But guess what! I still had the other set of keys! Throughout the long, dragged-out (not by me) divorce proceedings, I would periodically steal over to his apt. building under the cover of darkness to check out the contents of My Audi. The first time I went, I had my friend distract the security guard while I rifled through the contents. The second time I went, I was alone. The guard “caught” me in the act and was concerned, but I had thought to bring the documentation showing I was the official “owner.” So he offered to be the lookout for me in case STBX started approaching the garage. We developed a routine where the guard would always be the lookout for me. Eventually, the guard offered to “Take Care of Him For You.” I’m not sure what the guard meant — rough him up a bit or do away with him. I told the guard, “Thanks, but the best revenge is STBX and OW stayng together and living a long, long life.” My Car turned out to host a treasure trove of evidence I used to my advantage in the divorce proceedings: a love letter from the ‘assistant” describing the big “O” that STBX gave her, calendars, check stubs, deposit slips for secret bank accounts, business contracts, the names and contact info of his paying clients, and other evidence of income. Fortunately, he lived right next to a FedEx Office and I would just run next door and make copies of all the stuff and put it back in his car — I mean MY car — approx. where I found it. A year later, when my lawyer and I got up to leave after finalizing our mediation, my husband was sobbing like a baby. Oh and MY CAR? I kept my older, paid-off Maxima, but we required in our settlement that X refinance the (upside down) Audi in his own name and reimburse me very penny for the 18 months of car and insurance payments during his “free ride.” So I didn’t take a loss at all on that but the bank sure did as the repossessed it within two years. After that X had to share a car with the OWife, who kept him on such a short leash that he literally had to get permission from her to leave his own house! Just one of the many, many ways that sweet Karma has bitten X in the butt.

      • MissDeltaGirl and CN friends, ever notice how financially irresponsible these cheaters are? My Ex and I lived virtually debt free thanks to my ability to handle the finance and business portion of our relationship. It has taken him no time at all to dig himself into an unbelievable financial hole and owes everyone including the IRS! This is an educated man in his 60’s and Schmoopie is no young child either, but they have no sense when it comes to managing money and credit! No matter how much income they may have it seems they are always broke! Not that it bothers me, just an observation! They seem to be fiscally irresponsible!

        • Add my Cheater #1 to this list too – a foreclosure, a bankruptcy, no cash ever (our 12 YO son takes his dad out for lunches ). Luckily, he got saddled with the $25k secret credit card debt during our divorce – lawyer asserted that the card was in his name only and I actually took the stand and testified that I knew nothing about it before X filed his papers and demanded I paid half. Thank the good Lord the judge listened, figured out that this was the Schmoopie card and ruled that X had sole responsibility to pay it.

        • I make a little under 60% of what STBX makes, and at Dday, I made slightly over 30% of what he made. Dday was a wake-up call, as I realized I needed to be able to afford to live on my own.

          Anyway, one of the things that precipitated Dday was that STBX was very short of money. His father had died the summer before, and STBX seemed almost desperate for money a year later. His father’s home sold, everything went through probate, and STBX finally got his share of the money. He was incredibly relieved, and it struck me that his reaction was odd. I’d have expected that he’d be happy, but truthfully, he was relieved.

          It was only after I looked up Schmoopie in our state’s online database of court cases that I discovered that she’d had a history of going to collections, getting evicted, etc. Then I learned that STBX paid her mortgage that summer, as well as her COBRA premiums. She had switched jobs, and the second job fired her within 3 weeks. It took her over 3 months to find her next job, and STBX paid her way.

          In the meantime, he’s been delinquent on his one credit card, has gone into collections on a stupidly small bill, etc. He had to get a second credit card, as his first is constantly frozen. Oh, and he’s got his own car payment and pays on hers regularly (he co-signed the loan for her).

          No doubt about it; Schmoopies are expensive. 😛

        • Roberta

          Their stupidity keeps me laughing now that I seethe financial “consequences” X inflicted on himself. X was stuck with his credit card debtif 17000. Who uses a credit card to buy a car and to pay their income taxes. So now he has 3 times the debt paying a high interest rate.
          Miss piggy loved the vacation he paid for last year. He’s losing is business, tripping over her dogs that he hates and is paying more to live. He complains about how BROKE he is. Consequences finally arrived. Batman meet kickass consequences.

          • Donna, My Ex called me last month about the money owed on taxes. I had to “remind” him AGAIN that he should read the settlement agreement and he is liable for the payment of taxes, any delinquent fees and penalties. He was NOT happy to say the least! I had always been the one to get the taxes prepared, mailed and paid for each year. In all the previous years we NEVER had ANY problems with the IRS! I even asked him on the phone if we had ever had these troubles when we were married and he said NO! I told him, that’s because you and Schmoopie don’t have a clue as to what you are doing! I then assured him that ACTUALLY paying his IRS debt was not rocket science and I was sure that if he and Schmoopie put their two pea brains together that they will figure it out! Then I informed him that I did not want to hear from him or his fuckbuddy EVER again in my life! Don’t you know that he still emailed me with questions that I subsequently ignored! My Ex is a “special” kind of fucked up! Guess he still thinks I give a shit! I hope the IRS freezes his and her assets!

        • Its because they are entitled pieces of shit with no impulse control and absolutely must have shiny things to prove a point to the world. These are the same morons who buy designer clothes/handbags/shoes/makeup/etc and brag about it – when a pair of $20 shoes would suffice.
          Whereas we chumps actually have common sense and know the word ‘budgeting’

        • What I find ridiculous is the cheater expecting financial relief or sympathy when their pocketbooks run dry. Oh boo hoo! You spent all your money foolishly on your AP/turned wife, whilst destroying our marriage and the kids. Bummer! But you would like me to make concessions to help you out? The audacity never ceases to amaze me but I need to get over it on my way to meh.

  • So, the downgrade paid for the upgrade on “his” fantasy vehicle? Now he’s out on the car of his prepubescent dreams? Ah – the lovely irony!

  • It’s important to not put any stock in “potential”. This is one of the ways where I went wrong. One of the red flags I overlooked. My POS ex wasn’t pulling the weight from the time I met him, in so many ways, but he had such Potential! Ughh! Never again! Banks won’t issue loans on potential. Stores don’t sell merchandise on potential. Chumps with broken pickers do. And then get burned. And learn from it hopefully.

    • Exactly! The OW/M wants our lives and we are jealous? I am not a jealous person or maybe I’d have been snooping and spying on him and would have found out about the affair sooner. I am not jealous now and any man, woman or animal can have Asshat. All I want is more than our fair share for Little Elf and myself. Ha, that rhymes. Must locate more caffeine.

    • Yeah, its the ‘go-to’ line that lots of OW/OM use.
      The first person who cheated on me, his whore said I was jealous. My response? “I’m not jealous of someone who can suck a watermelon through a hose and who has the Russian roulette on what STD people AREN’T going to get from you”. Crickets were the response – but it was more trying to process the big words, like ‘watermelon’ that probably stumped her!

      • They live with junior high school mentality. It’s exciting for them until the reality sinks in. Having a whore sitting on your lap at a casino with your hand between her legs while she plays the “sex in the city” slot/slut machine must get old after a while. Especially when she knows all the bartenders by name. Now that would make a funny cartoon. God is she gross. Lol. Not jealous- relieved!

    • Just need to get a bit academic here and point out some definitions. Most people use envious and jealous interchangeably, when they mean completely different things. You are envious when you wish you had what someone else has. You are jealous when you are worried that someone else wants what you have and have to protect it. So the correct usage is that the mistress is envious of the wife, and the wife is jealous of the mistress. Hope they both realize that the object of both desires is a completely unworthy prize!

  • I think it should be “Hell hath no fury like a woman/man Schorned!”

    Shorned = Resolve, strength, mightiness, truth, beauty and fire

  • That phrase “hell hath no fury…” has crossed my mind many times since d- day. Until I read this I didn’t give much thought to the word “scorned” at the end.

    But I could relate to the “Hell hath no fury” part of the sentence. But of course I didn’t think it was a funny quip,I took it more personally…. Like “that quote is correct, I have never been this angry.” And yes, my ex-husband probably would have been more comfortable burning in hell than sitting in that courtroom having me take pretty much everything we owned.

    That said, now that I know the true extent of that fury, the quote would be more accurate if it read, “Hell hath no fury like a woman who truly loved and trusted her husband for many years and then found out he was fucking whores behind her back for many years. True hell is what happens when an innocent woman has to get checked for STDs, reevaluate her life, her marriage, restart everything over in her late 40s, and mourn a love that was never really there…. In truth, hell has no demons like a husband who will betray and cheat and lie to his wife and be a fucking asshole.”

    But that quote doesn’t quite roll off the tongue, does it?

    • That quote may not roll off the tongue GiveTimeTime but it accurately sums up my sentiment.
      It won’t fit on a mug or a pin, but maybe we could print it on a placement.

  • I do now sort of wish that I had done SOMETHING, ANYTHING scornful (even if we do all decide to retire this word) to Major Cheaterpants, but by the time I knew the extent of his treachery, he was dead – DANGIT!!!

    I am left with “living well is the best revenge” option – working that one daily – but … my latehusband HATED tall white guys…he was short and Latin always thought that they got the upper hand in life and got better faster easier military promotions. Let me introduce you to my new husband, Colonel Tall Whiteguy

    • Unicornnomore, the guys that don’t get promoted are usually just shitbirds and they know it! Any excuse for them will do! As far as your deceased cheater is concerned, let Satan deal with him! I’m sure when my Ex arrives in Hell Satan won’t even allow him in the back door because he is so evil! My Ex didn’t care so much about his rank because he was so content to just plod along until retirement came around! He knew he wouldn’t reach LtCol. As an LDO in his MOS, but he didn’t really care. According to him he was just “punching his ticket!” What a turd!

    • Hello there Colonel Tall Whiteguy!
      (Does he have any friends?)
      That must be one show for you late husband to watch from the wings!
      Love it!

      • Late H was a rebel…oddly enough he worked really hard but chose to push just the wrong people at just the wrong time then when he was ready to retire, he told me “if you had been a better wife, I would be a Lt Col” <– the man had NO coping skills.

        Col Tallwhiteguy told me "If I had been married to you I would be a General" (single Cols are never promoted to Gen and his fate was sealed before we started dating.

        Yea, Im sure lateH has a front row seat to all my shenanigans. Recently put up a flag for Col's alma mater (arch rivals of lateHs). We opted to make our home in my house for the time being, so Tallwhite Cols clothes are literally hanging in lateHs closet.

        I recently gave a bunch of lateHs USMC stuff to one of the people he went to TBS with…he isnt a he any more. Not many transexual women I know who used to be male Marine Officers … I did it to be nice…she asked for the stuff and I was looking to unload and she was gracious. I dont know if late H would have been ok with it but hmmm…I no longer care.

        Roberta, I still cant get over your XH getting freaking pancreatic cancer…my lateH had the luxury of dropping over like a tree…your XH is going to wish he did.

        • You guys are the greatest! Congratulating each other on the demise of the ex! Man I’d like to join this coffee klatch!

          • HNA, in all honesty it is still really freaking STRANGE – living through the intensity of betrayal, giving myself fully to the nightmare of wreckonciliation, spending nearly every waking minute trying to edit reality to keep this cranky man happy then poof – gone in an instant – never to return ever ever.

            He was so healthy and strong – such a constant presence and force (often bad) – poof ! Bizarre and surrreal…for a long time I had dreams where he was alive or called me on my phone.

            For the first 3 months, I really grieved, I really was sad and lonely and I would have wanted him back if that were possible, but then I started to realize I was living with less dread…life was easier. Then I found the photos, the gifts, the hotel receipts and THEN his mentor told me that “the first affairs were just about sex” (I only thought there was one, ever) I learned that he was a lying cheating serial adulterer. FUCKER..that is what he chose to be, someone who fucks.

            And I express myself here to try to handle these feelings….and I sometimes yell “FUCKER!” really loud in my car …I guess you could say Im mad at him.

        • Unicornnomore, I certainly hope that each and everyday he spends upright on this planet is a pure misery for his Schmoopie and him! I can think of no better punishment! But I’m going to correct you on one thing, there was one General who was single when he was promoted and I believe he married shortly after being promoted. I just cannot for the life of me recall his name, but he was fond of owning the Marine Corps type mascot dogs. Loved those dogs like they were his children or something. Just wish I could remember. Oh well, the mind goes first I suppose, I’ll just settled for remembering what I had for lunch today! Ha! Ha! Ha!
          I LOVE the fact that you gave your late husbands military gear to a man/woman! BURN! And that your new wonderful husband is occupying the freed up space! How cool is that? I’m sure the “old boy” is spinning in his grave! I so love Karma!

          • Tall Colonel hasnt retired yet…maybe a few Cols and Gens will fall from the Ashley Madison scandal and leave a gaping hope that they need to fill with my man. We’re already here in DC if they want to swap out the Eagles on his shoulders for some stars. I also wouldnt mind a chance at an Attache assignment, but that is likely delusional; retirement is calling. I wish I could meet that General’s wife..maybe the only person older than me to marry an active duty guy.

  • Young, I agree! My STBXH told our son (about my suspicions regarding the OW, which he denied, denied, denied) “You’re mom’s acting jealous…” The hell I was!

    • That’s crazy. Jealous means feeling envious of something that someone else has. If anyone is “jealous” in an affair it would have to be the AP, who is jealous that the betrayed spouse “has” the cheating spouse (for a spouse). The betrayed spouse can’t be jealous because they already legally *have* the cheater.

      If I break into someone’s house and steal their gold-plated douchenozzle, and they’re upset that I stole their gold-plated douchenozzle, and they take me to task for stealing their gold-plated douchenozzle, would it make sense for me to accuse them of being jealous? Hell to the N to the O. You can’t be jealous over what is already yours.

      Though we tend to figure out that life is much sweeter WITHOUT the douchnozzle around.

      • I was taught by a Priest that the Biblical meaning of jealousy is wanting to keep what is rightly yours and I googled the definition and the first definitions, were what we would first think of, it also said:

        “Bible: intolerant of unfaithfulness or rivalry: The Lord is a jealous God.”

        I was never suspicious or accusatory during our marriage, I TRUSTED him, but when he strayed, I did become jealous in the Biblical sense. When cheaters use the word, they mean it as an insult and means of gaslighting, but I will personally own the jealousy I had at the time.

        • Thanks for this definition, unicorn. I, too, have and had biblical jealousy: Intolerant of unfaithfulness or rivalry, hence the boot quick and swift.

          • After word of the affair hit MySpace (ah the days of MySpace) i got several messages from female friends of his explaining that if i hadn’t been such a jealous bitch, he never would have cheated. Umm, he cheated several times long before i found out and got angry. Before that, i was the epitome of nice.

      • Jealous, NOT! I’m with Nomar, the bitch wanted what did NOT belong to her! Not just the Ex, but my life! She would walk around my small town pretending to be me and using my name! I stopped that shit in its tracks!
        If she was so great being HER, then why the Hell wasn’t she at home with her husband being content?

        • Wow, using your name? Ex’s ow used to sign everything is Mrs. Asshat Douchebag, but never used my name. Wifey #3 waves that Mrs. title around like a flag too. *eye roll* Ah, to be young and dumb again….not.

  • But poor sappy “betrayed spouses” better not get uppity, bitter, or scorned.

    Don’t forget to add “jealous.” When you’re married, you can be “concerned” about the person in which your spouse is having an inappropriate relationship, but you can’t get “jealous.”

    • “Scorned” and “jealous” are just propaganda terms cheaters and cheater-apologists use to smear chumps unnecessarily. Words provide semantic frames with which we interpret events, so casting chumps as petty, jealous people who were not worthy of cheaters’ love tips the scales to put chumps on the defensive. That is why CL is entirely correct in wanting to change not only the narrative on cheating, but also the words used.

      This idea, and its importance in persuasion, comes from George Lakoff: “Language always comes with what is called “framing.” Every word is defined relative to a conceptual framework. If you have something like “revolt,” that implies a population that is being ruled unfairly, or assumes it is being ruled unfairly, and that they are throwing off their rulers, which would be considered a good thing. That’s a frame.”

      • I agree re the language. Maybe Cheaters and their POS apologists calling Chumps bitter and scorned erases the harm done to us. NOT. Six years later you can bet I am STILL angry that my ex fucktard dumped the mortgage on our custom built home on twenty acres. Hey, when you are in “true love” with your racquetball fuckbuddy, NOTHING else matters.

      • The last thing I was, was jealous over her, just the opposite, I was disgusted by her and HIM, I told her she could have him now, don’t want him after he touched her.

  • I can’t tell you how many times the XPOS said I was ‘scorned’. It’s twisting the knife in you once you’ve already been gutted!

  • “Bill felt scorned after his wife rejected every one of his advances for sex in the last several months, so he took a trip to the local Asian massage parlor to feel better.”

    I used the vocab word for a male. It can be done!

    • “Bill’s wife rejected him because he constantly smelled like cheeseburgers that had been in the hot car for a few days, and because his penis was oozing pus from his massage parlor habit.”

      • Hey, troll–take a poll. Most of us were dishing out sex in copious amounts until our cheaters decided they wanted a side dish. Furthermore, most chumps were also supplying very valuable resources to the family–pay, most of the childcare and household work.

        Your argument is a tired one, not supported by reality, and perhaps this is more a more realistic account of your situation, “Bill’s wife got tired of his constant criticism of her, and his refusal to assist in any household or parent-related tasks (even though she worked a full time job as well). She decided sex with him was not so fun since she had to service him with no reciprocity and had tired of 15 years of his premature ejaculation and no foreplay.”

        • Tempest, this is SPOT on! Our sex life never. got. better. Reciprocity, not with a Narc and when ex was involved in his affair (undiscovered by me for TWO years, yeah Chumpy me thought he was working/playing racquetball-apparently NOT!) he was still having sex with me. 🙁 Thing is I was beginning to feel yucky before, during, and afterwards. I was just thankful for some because disordered withheld too. Mr. Fucktard got off on it though till his Schmoopie issued him the ultimatum. So glad she took that lying, cheating, disordered POS off my hands. I am beginning to think men with integrity are better in bed!

  • First, let me say that I am a chump. I’ve known for a couple years and three different times have had my husband out of my house. Three times I have begged him to come back. The last was just last night and he hasn’t yet agreed to return home but I am confident that he will. While the advice in this column may be what’s best for a lot of people, it definitely wasn’t what was right for me. It made me angry and aggressive in my attitudes towards my husband. Made the number one problem in our marriage out to be infidelity, not what got him to that point. I understand there are some horrible people out there but most people are not narcissists or sociopaths or anything else’s beyond lonely and unappreciated. My goal from the day I first found out I had been chumped was to save my marriage. It’s messed up for sure and he should not have turned to prostitutes, but he wasn’t getting a whole lot of the “better” in this relationship. Instead a whole lot of “worse”. I found a fabulous article called How to Save Marriage: 6 Unconventional Tips. Think it’s Huff Post and the tips all make a lot of sense. Good luck in getting away from those partners that are truly suffering from personality disorders, but also good luck to those of you who feel like I do. No relationship is easy but they are worth fighting for. Marriage and families have become too disposable..going to have to stay away from chump lady while I fight but wishing all of you nothing but the best..

    • Taking the other path, I don’t know how in the hell you can live with the mind movies of your husband having sex with another woman, I sure know I couldn’t live with that, nor could I move on from it. He completely changed in my eyes, he wasn’t the same man I used to love anymore. But, good luck to you, I hope you can make things work for yourself and have a happy life.

      • Kate50, I 100% agree with you that it will be difficult. Especially when I can go to the escort site and see pictures of the women that he selected and paid for sex. I need to get past that. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I think that life is a “pick me dance”. That’s what you’re doing when your dating, that’s what you do when you interview for a job. I won that initial “pick me dance”, he married me and then all the effort I put into my relationship with him was split between kids, the house, work and life. I just don’t think that was fair. What he did wasn’t fair either but I still think it’s worth a shot..hey, he may not move back in…optimistically I’m giving that a 60% shot…

        • Recent question answered by Coquette recently applies ( http://dearcoquette.com/ )

          Question: “True or false: If you truly love someone, being faithful is easy.”

          Her answer: “False. If you truly have integrity, being faithful is easy. Do not confuse love and integrity. Love is just an emotional state, and regardless of how deeply or intensely it may be felt, it’s still not a measure of the content of your character.”

          You might keep that in mind as you chase the unicorn. I wish you luck and many Jedi Hugs!

      • I could not live with the stranger who unilaterally decided to blow up our marriage by having a relationship with another woman. He made A CHOICE to please himself and destroy his family and our 28 years together. Fucking others requires a lot of lying and sneaking around and, Kate50, I agree that the guy I married was no longer present. You just do not choose that as a way to improve your life. I don’t believe being unhappy with your spouse, unhappy with your sex life, your job, your mundane daily normal life, and crap life challenges gives ANYONE any license to fuck around. The best quote I’ve got for this is to, “Get busy living.” People who cheat are “busy dying.” My advice? Let them GO.

        • They’re not even your friend to be able to Lie, Steal (time/money/LOVE) from us either, I’d get rid of anyone that treated me that way, so why not a spouse especially! Who wants to rely and spent most of their life with that kind of a person. My choice and I do have one, they’re not BLOOD, is to be with someone that adds to my life in a positive way, makes me feel better then I already do about myself. These losers do the complete opposite and life is too short to be wasted on them hoping for them to like us.

    • Taking the Other Path–what path would that be, Self-Loathing? Are you fucking kidding me that you’re about to take back a man who cheated on you 3 times? Are you modeling being a doormat for your children?

      “[I] Made the number one problem in our marriage out to be infidelity, not what got him to that point.”

      !@!?! What got him to that point was crappy character and poor impulse control. So you’re not perfect? Stand in line. Once there is infidelity in a marriage, that becomes the ONLY problem. There’s a reason why marriage vows don’t say, “forsaking all others as long as my beloved meets these criteria: a, b, c, d, e.”

      You are either a troll, or honey, I want to take you out for an intervention that includes getting you to love and respect yourself.

      • I think he’s cheated one heck of a lot more than three times. Just caught him three times. Tempest, I think self loathing might be a little strong. My children are out of the house, and they don’t have a super high opinion of his behavior. They also understand that it’s my choice and I believe that they will support whatever choices I make. For now they don’t need to know anything at all, they are both in school out of state. If this ends up being a huge mistake then it will be over before anyone comes home at the holidays. Just FYI, I did ask him to come back and really thought that it was pretty likely he would jump at the opportunity. He did not. Came over for a couple hours and watched a football game with me then went back to wherever it is that he is living. Disappointed but believe it’s a start. We (and yes, I do mean both of us) screwed this up. Just not ready to give up on 25 years. Want what I used to have…

        • Taking the Other Path–the problem is, you will never have what you had. He has shown that he is not capable of fidelity, nor of respecting you enough to honor your marriage vows. I just left a 25-year relationship, too. Trust me, you will feel better if YOU are the one that makes the decision, rather than allowing him to make the decision as to whether to return or not. A life of integrity is better than a marriage mired in sadness and mistrust.

          • Like I expected he took the opportunity to move back into “his” house. He “thought about it” for three days, then sent me a text that he was moving back that day while I was at work. My texts and emails were very clear that he was welcome to come back if we were going to make a real effort to make changes. I even flat out stated that he was not welcome if his extracurriculars were continuing. I trusted that he was genuine in his motives. Less than 24 hours and he has made it clear he is here because hotels are expensive. (That expenditure limits the money he has to available spend on prostitutes). It’s his house too, and he can do what he wants. He has not one time said the prostitutes will stop. He feels this relationship is dead because of my distrust and spying. Says he’s just here to save money. So, everyone was right. I was doing really well on my own, hadn’t cried in days and now I am right back where I was before. He is a nasty, entitled asshole and he is unfortunately back. I will file for divorce the next weekday I have off work.

            • I’m sorry, Taking the Other Path–this is very painful. We want to believe the best of other people, especially our spouses, but are eventually presented with enough evidence that we recognize our marriage as a mirage. Document EVERYTHING without him knowing, see a lawyer, and assemble your support team (including this website). You can do this.

        • Takingtheotherpath….. ‘ Long enough have you dream’d contemptible dreams, now I wash the gum from your eyes, you must habit yourself to the dazzle of the light and every moment of your life’ …. Wake up!!!!!!
          Self worth. U need to find some.
          You can try and save him….but it be a waste of time. Save yourself. Invest in something that you can count on. When u stop believing that this what u deserve…. U will hopefully make the necessary steps to stop this abuse. Your husband dicks around… Cause he can. Period. No consequences. Shake your finger all you want at him…he doesn’t care. You have already tolerated this behavior and made excuses for it. We could tell you a hundred different reasons why … And it doesn’t matter… U have an idea in yr head… And the perfect excuse. It would be like talking to a post. You don’t want to hear it… So u won’t. You are hell bent on beating the odds and proving some point about beating the odds. Have at it. Nobody likes a martyr.
          My hope for you is eventually you cut this dead weight… And start loving someone worthwhile… Yourself.

    • Taking the other Path. We all have our own tolerances but to me, fucking prostitutes just really as low as you can get. I cannot imagine having sex with a man after he had done that. It’s outside the range of normal behavior, and a criminal activity in most places. Yes, criminal activity is a character flaw, married or not.

      • Somehow, to me, prostitutes were not that bad. No emotional attachment, no flirting, no secret texts other than the one to set up the appointment followed by a confirmation from the girls with a meeting place. Doubted he would form any attachments. Really thought that if he was going to cheat I was glad it was with prostitutes rather than a coworker or neighbor. I don’t know how far outside of normal behavior it is. There seems to be a lot of available women (he uses escort services), he can’t be the only one keeping them all in business. I have a lot of guy friends and while I hear that they would never pay for sex, I am very skeptical these days. Believing most guys would if they had the disposable income and the opportunity. Scary side to prostitutes is that I have NEVER found condoms among his things and I am a first class snoop. Wonder if they provide them or if he stops at a gas station and buys them one at a time. Hoping he’s being smart in that respect. He is a perfect candidate for someone to have an unplanned pregnancy and extort him for the next 18 years…well I’m done now. Find it very disappointing for sure and even a little confusing, but am happy to move on to better things. Rather have control over half the community assets than have him squander them in various ways. Financially I’m fine, just disappointed that anyone would choose a solitary lifestyle with paid sex workers than the family and life we had. He’s losing a lot of money, committing to ongoing spousal support, his relationship with his kids, the respect of his family, and possibly the respect of coworkers (he has a high profile corporate job) all for a little strange…that’s what I find “strange”…

  • Hey, CL, can we analyze this: “You don’t love/value me the way I need to be loved/valued”?
    What on earth is this supposed to mean? We love them the best we can, yet it’s not the way they’re supposed to be loved? I didn’t know there was a specific criteria to follow in order for them to feel loved. In that case, we’re all doing it wrong!

    • KeepOn, the disordered have a problem with the status quo and so they just keep moving the bar. As in “I want {and deserve} something new.” As in, “I want this today but hhhmmmmm maybe not tomorrow.” Another Chump wisely stated that it is only after they’ve been cheating that they start justifying their crap behavior. So now your fault, Keep On, for not loving/valuing your crap SO. Call Bullshit, I did. Then listen to this. :). Keith Urban Stupid Boy – YouTube
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFTd2sATN6I

  • Hey all! I need some advice before I may or may not do something stupid. I’ve been quietly gathering info on my cheater’s phone for about a month. In that time, I learned of 2 other sluts he’s been “talking” to (plus the OW). He’s a narcissistic ass and obviously needs the attention. Anyway, I confronted with just SOME of the stuff I know yesterday. I also then found out about 2 different one night stands he had while we were visiting his mother. The first one being when my daughter was 5 months old (she’s 7 now). I am furious and I want to do some damage. I am filing for divorce next Wed and also going to try to get the current one for criminal conversation or alienation of affection. I messaged one of the sluts on FB with “Ummm, yeah I know you and my husband have been “cybering” I found messages in his phone and she is freaked. She doesn’t want trouble and it was “years ago”. I’m thinking of sending an email to the superintendent of the county she works for She’s a school teacher. Attaching the pics of the texts I have and asking if this is who they want for their teachers? That’s just the one of the bitches. My daughter cried to me tonight about how she didn’t want her daddy to move out. I fucking HATE him and want to hurt him like he’s hurt her! I am a vindictive, bitter bitch right now but I don’t want to do anything stupid. I DO want to destroy him, but that will come later. Right now I feel like I have to focus on the sluts. What do you think? Please help, I’m so fucking angry at what he’s doing to my daughter I can’t think straight.

    • Right now your ONLY focus should be on protecting yourself and your kid. Do NOT do anything stupid. Talk to your LAWYER. You don’t want to screw up your settlement, or start a feud, or get anything out there that would portray you as batshit crazy. You have child custody to consider. I know you’re angry and in shock from discovery. Let that anger fuel you ahead. If it’s too much, go for a walk, call a friend, type on the forum to other chumps. But don’t confront your cheater again and don’t confront the OW.

      You need a cool head to strategize your best way out. Look, I know whoever these people are SUCK, but your husband sucks worse. One crisis at a time. You don’t need more drama or revenge, you need self protection.

      So gather all the financials, the evidence, personal documents. And play chumpy with the husband. Don’t talk divorce. You just get your ducks lined up for the lawyer, okay? You can make it until Wednesday.

      Save your money on alienation of affection etc. Just get a divorce. If you live in a fault state, great. But generally no one enforces infidelity statutes. Sorry. Again, talk to an attorney. (((Hugs)) and good luck.

      • Thank you so much! <3 I'm crying right now because I don't have anyone to talk to. I want to hurt him so bad like he's hurt me and our family. He has absolutely no remorse about anything. I called his mom today and told her we are separating and why. He was pissed, but I don't care. I have plenty of texts and evidence. Thankfully, he is out of town next week for work so I can get my stuff in order. Love you guys! It's so nice to know there are people out there going through the same shit!

        • alchy1,

          I GET wanting to run him over with a bulldozer. That is NORMAL. Try to focus on creating a new life for yourself and your child. I know it is hard. I found it VERY helpful to go on a run (and I am not a particularly great runner) every time I found SOMETHING ELSE OUT that made me want to sink a fire axe into his chest. You have every right to be angry. You just have to STEER your way through the red haze of rage. A good way to do that is to VENT and find a physical outlet. It WILL help you to think straight. Even a walk for 30 min, alone, so you can collect your thoughts helps.

          And ya, if you need to picture him under a 100 tonnes anvil, do it. Google ‘Cheater Karma’. Read some of the stories. Get it out of your system. After a little while on your walks (or whatever you do) the death-by-anvil picture will fade, and you will be able to start seeing what you want, and (even better) HOW you are going to get it. This is probably to most terrible thing anyone (outside of a war) will ever have to face. It is like your own personal Hiroshima. And you will have to do a lot of it ALONE. This sucks.

          But come here. Go to divorcedmoms.com. Google ‘divorced moms’. There is good help from many others who have gone through this. You will feel alone, but you are in good company. You just have to reach out (like you have already done) 🙂

          Remember the REAL DEFINITION of Divorce:
          “Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet” Robin Williams.

          Focus on your new life, and how you are going to make HIM pay for it!

          • Thank you! I am planning on making him pay. I am just so stunned he started this so long ago, and I never saw it. I’m glad I posted before I did another stupid. I love you all!

            • Of course you never saw it! Good people don’t back-stab, and they are not expecting their closest loved ones to do so either! It’s not YOUR fault he is a LIAR and a bad person! Remember, he is a parasitic worm and you are a butterfly. At first glance you may have LOOKED the same, but he is just a destructive thief and you are someone who will come through your dark time to be a more beautiful, even better person!

      • I too would urge you to focus on what will ALWAYS be the most important things in your life. YOU and your family. Anger is good but use it in a healthy way. Alchy1, I strongly urge you to do something physical to balance those unhealthy thoughts out. After Dday I spent an hour (or two) everyday walking or swimming. I do know one thing, people like our exes have to live the rest of their days with their crap choices. Believe it or not, that is Karma.

          • Alchy1–this is the hardest thing you’ll ever go through, bar none. It will bend you over in pain some days, and then lift you inches off the ground with rage. You’ll grieve your marriage after the sharpest pain settles down, and have to remind yourself that your cheater is not fit to kiss your feet. Your feelings are valid through every stage, just keep your eyes on the prize and think clearly until you can afford not to. Also–assemble Team Alchy; you’ll not get through this alone and will need social support in a number of realms. Head to the forums for more specific advice as your case unfolds.

            Big hugs to you.

          • alchy1 – So sorry to hear about what you are going through! I am one year after DDay and can so relate to the pain and humiliation of finding out how misled you were by your cheater.

            We are here for you, to cheer you on, as well as to listen when you are needing to vent!

            I found CL around the holidays and it has been my life line as I endure the divorce process with my STBX.

            In addition to the excellent advice from CL, Drew, C., and Tempest, I would add “DO NOT believe a word he says to you, believe his actions!”

            In addition, I would recommend your read these three CL posts:
            Three Mindfuck Channels – https://www.chumplady.com/2014/09/the-mindfuck-channel-only-has-three-stations/
            Real vs Naugahyde Remorse – https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/
            The Unified Theory of Cake – https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

            I know this is already a lot, but if you can find the energy, I would also suggest that you turn your anger towards productive endeavors, like making copies of all cheating proofs, your social security cards, as well as that of your kid, as well as all passports and open a safe box to store all this where he can’t find them. I was so pissed off I hauled three 50lbs huge bins of documents into our car on my own and hid them in an archive room at work. Months later, I was so happy I had done this, I have all I need (retirement accounts, checking accounts, savings accounts, life insurance policies, benefit packages from his work and mine). I can document all transactions, he has nothing but a whole lot of time to waste trying to get documents.

            Finally, if you have a savings account or other liquid assets with your cheater, wire half of all liquid assets to an account in your name only. Mine was pissed when he found out I did so a few weeks post-DDay. I stood up to him telling him that it was the only way I would go about even discussing what was next for us as we figured out what his betrayal meant for our family. There was nothing he could say but mumble that it did not have to be this way… But it did! As soon as I decided to move out, the mask came off, and the money I wired turned out to be critical to my ability to change the power dynamics with my STBX, protect yourself and your kid.

            Focus your anger on getting a good divorce settlement, I agree with C. getting the best financial settlement will be the sweetest karma. So go and hire the most experienced and respected lawyer you can hire, and get your STBX where it will hurt him most and for the longest… His wallet.

  • Alechy1……Congrats on your toxic waste removal. With time the air will clear and sun will pour into your windows…….and your ex will always have to live with an asshole, himself. Cheaters are never happy and that is punishment enough. It’s really kind of sad when you think about it. Gotta be awful to never know true happiness. Don’t worry about your daughter. I was seven when my parents divorced and I’ve had a wonderful love filled life. Loved my cheater father, but never liked him. Grateful every day for my strong Mother who taught me that we all fall at one time or another in our life, but it’s what me do when we pick ourselves up that defines us. This is his sin, not yours, so don’t carry the weight around on your shoulders. Best to you and your daughter.

  • Dat…. Can I come over and play? You have a frickin light saber…. And a robot!!!!!
    Cant say I want the Flying Fuck Helicopter…. But that Bullshit button is right up my alley!

  • “…During their relationship, her boyfriend tricked out the car to look just like the Batmobile. The car is covered in Batman logos and decals…”

    if this isn’t a great big red flag then i don’t know what is.

  • alchy1, I had to read CL every day and lots, went through the archives to find certain topics that I related to and needed and I finally got away. I’m not sure I could have done it without this site. I am serious! Stay the course and protect yourself and your child, that’s how it’s done and how you get even.

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