Here’s my tale of woe.
After thirteen years and four children, my husband decided apropos of nothing to leave me for his ‘girlfriend’ of one month who happens to have no kids but many, many tens of millions of dollars.
There was no talk of reconciliation (except for three absolute bullshit marriage counselling attempts where he didn’t disclose why he suddenly wanted a divorce) , no unicorn chasing, no chance to even audition for the pick-me dance finale.
It was over, he was gone, just like that. Our marriage had been, in my eyes, a very good one, and we were financially extremely well-off, but not quite millionaires. I had been his cheerleader our whole marriage, and had supported him and his career to an extent which is almost laughable now. (He is a public figure.) I also worked full time and looked after every aspect of our home and child-rearing.
Anyway, he married Ms Money-Bags, the week our divorce was finalised, in a ceremony to which the children were not invited but the media were. I’ve then endured countless public iterations of how their love is real, and worth hurting people for (specifically, worth hurting me for). Imagine, if you don’t mind, a small-scale to what Jennifer Aniston went through, and then add four kids. They have access to the children 13% of the time (their choice — I live in a 50/50 state).
This has been going on now for years. I am constantly subjected to ever-shinier accounts through the media of how They Are The Best Couple Ever!!! And frankly, not only is it incredibly embarrassing, it also makes me feel like a complete loser, as they live in a house worth five million bucks with a god-damned waterslide, with matching Maseratis in the driveway and dress my kids in designer clothes (that they’re not allowed to bring home to my house), while I struggle as a single mom. (Yes, he pays the state-mandated child support, which is 2% of his annual income.) I work full time in an extremely demanding role (I’m a litigator). I have tried to move on romantically but frankly I don’t trust my own choices and anyway, I hardly have the time to try to date and the only men who hit on me are married. Ugh.
And so I feel really bad about myself, because my life doesn’t compare to theirs. It seems there is no justice in the world. How do I get over this feeling of absolute rejection, and of being a total unlovable loser, and move on in my life? The constant media about their fabulous life (which I have actually asked him to put a stop to, to no avail) is crushing my soul.
Dear Super Chump,
Hey, at least you have a soul to crush, which is more than I can say about your ex and Ms. Moneybags.
What a lovely couple! He walks out on a wife and a passel of small children, and she finances his desertion! But hey, they’re enviable because they have a $5 million dollar home and flash cars in the driveway? And 24/7 media coverage?
Seriously, think about what kind of people you’re envying here — people who dress children up as props, but don’t invite them to their significant life events. People with millions to spare who budget 2 percent of ONE salary toward child support. You wish to compare yourself to them?
What are your values, Super Chump? Yes, on the Maserati index you’re a great big loser. On the Mightiness Scale of Raising My Children Without Any Help from a Cheating Fuckwit, you’re a winner.
It’s all in how you frame it. Who would you rather be?
Look, I know it sucks. I know you want some cosmic justice. It would be nice if all the media coverage was over what an utter douchebag your ex is versus his Constant Fabulousness. But really — do you think anyone who knows your story, who is worth knowing, doesn’t know they both suck epically? Is there any public figure who isn’t despised or snarked about, even by those closest in his or her circle? Why are you buying the spin?
Perhaps you think at some level you were inadequate. Well, yes, Super Chump, yes you were inadequate. I’m sorry, your kibbles cannot compare with the kibbles of a Bazillionairess. She’s got you beat. If you traffic in kibbles — the currency of narcissism — she wins.
But kibbles are not the same thing as love. Love is respectful. Love is generous. Love commits. Love doesn’t abandon its children. The man simply didn’t love you. He’s a person who traffics in kibbles. You probably thought, as many of us do, that if you flung enough kibbles at him, if you were super-duper cheerleader to his accomplishments, he would return the favor — that he would love you. But instead he just took your kibbles (thank you very much), pocketed them, and found better kibble sources elsewhere.
He sucks! A tree should fall on his head! He should be indicted! Exposed as the fraud that he is!
And it’s been a couple years and that hasn’t happened yet. Oh well, it probably will. Give it some time. Maybe it won’t happen. Doesn’t matter. YOU matter. Get on with your life and let that man be a stranger to you. I know that is hard when you co-parent, but seriously, just imagine he’s Donald Trump. Silly man with his bad combover and his millions, saying stupid offensive things. Am I personally bothered by what Donald Trump does today? No. (If he becomes president of the United States, yes, I will be very bothered… but I don’t think it will come to that.) He’s just some rich freak whose life doesn’t concern me.
Your ex is just some rich freak whose life doesn’t concern you. Your children have to navigate that personal landscape and the best way you can help them is to be the Sane Parent. Model your values. Be resilient. Show them every day how you have their backs. Teach them the difference between real love and kibbles.
And teach yourself too.
Good luck, SC.
Great post CA,
Model your values! Those are some wise words. Look, my ex is out I’m the world right now telling everyone what a fabulous world savior he is. And how the UN is praising his work and the world will be a better place. I used to hear him speak and believe him, I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. I thought everyone thought like that too. Because people would tell me how lucky I was to have landed him.
Then he left me for his coworker who he had known for a month (after 9 years with me). I thought “shit”. Here I am all alone and miserable while they live happily and save the world together. Sometimes I still think like that. But then I realized that the people who matter, my friends and my family and my community actually knew that he sucked, he sucks balls. And that they are not saving the world, they are just doing enough to brag about saving the world.
Sure, I wish I could be in the healthy relationship he claims to have with her, but not ever again I’m the relationship they actually have.
You will be alright Super Chump. Just trust that they suck. We know it here at CN. Raising 4 kids as a single mom with only the “state mandated” child support from a super fabulous couple. Hmm. That’s mighty. Congratulations!
“What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world yet forfeits his soul?” Someone wise said that 😉
Your ex might have a lot of money and fame. But he does not have his integrity. You do. You are the faithful spouse!
Never forget that.
DM……THANK YOU SO MUCH….I needed to hear your reply today… you have no idea. (ok, being a chump you probably do)…
I second this. His utter lack of integrity is, by itself, a horrendous black mark he chooses. Interestingly, it is also an open door to all kinds of eventual justice.
People who lack character to such a degree cannot help but to screw up enough to eat some of the crap they are shoveling. Some fall spectacularly (Bernie Madoff comes to mind); but most fall without much notice from the outside world … these are the ones who lose business deals, friends, and familial relationships because of their persistent lack of character.
Without basic integrity, a person cannot be trusted. When a person cannot be trusted, their personal and professional relationships suffer. Eventually, they have very little left in their lives worth any real value. And they chose it. They thought they would be the “special” ones who wouldn’t reap the consequences of being complete asess. Well, I certainly wouldn’t want to be in their shoes when they realize that they weren’t so “special” after all. Talk about a reality check!
Really, truly special humans make the decision to have integrity; the try to emulate the principles they believe; they admit when they are wrong and own it; they seek happiness in ways that don’t harm people around them, and, where possible, in ways that benefit those around them.
Super Chump, know that you are truly special. You can find happiness. Keep fighting the good fight. And, always remember … your kids are going to benefit enormously from having your example to counter the horrendous lack of integrity they see with their father.
Awesome. So perfectly put and important to remember. Thank-you!
DM….that very quote popped into my head 1 second before I scrolled down and your post. Freaky.
Super Chump….just ask yourself if you could ever do what they’ve done, or if your value system could be so skewed? Would you trade who you are, for what they are? Nope…..because you’re the beautiful person here. You do win. You are the one who is truly blessed.
So true, DM, we can never forget that.
My condolences, Super. My ex left me to move in immediately with a younger woman in a much larger home worth a lot more than the one he left me paying two mortgages on. It has been a few years and they’re married, new baby and their version of media frenzy over what a fabulous life they have is Facebook. It’s all very disheartening to say the least that it appears he traded way up and can’t be blamed for what he chose to do to our marriage. I don’t believe in karma, but I do believe you reap what you sow. There’s no timetable on the harvest though, and achieving Meh is of utmost importance. You be strong and stay mighty and if nothing else your rewards will be sweet detachment and children who adore and respect their sane parent while pitying their father as merely a caricature of a real person with no integrity to speak of.
Cheaters never trade up.
Lola – your so right – Cheaters never trade up! EVER!
SuperChump: It sounds to me as if you’re not really lamenting your X’s glitter and wealth, but the lack of justice. Mr. Shallow Cheaterpants and his OWhore deserve to be living under a bridge, scavenging through trashbins for food, and here they are living the high life.
Yup, it sucks, especially when their “glory” is so public. Bad character does have a way of catching up with people. I know you’ve waited years for this to happen, but sometimes it takes a decade or more. Be patient and focus on your life.
Tracy’s right–keep your eyes on the prize–would you give up the respect of your children for a big house? Your empathy for a Maserati? No. Well, respect of your children and empathy and all the great things that make you, you, are long-lasting riches. Cheaterpants and his OWhore are resting on shallow riches, which means they are vulnerable to unhappiness at any moment if an investment blows up or the stock market tanks. Your happiness is founded on more stable and enduring things, and it is not linked to their life. Put the blinders on and see your life as one worth living.
Hugs to you.
Tempest is right SuperChump! Your sub-creature ex and his high-profile whore have built their entire foundation on an emotional pile of loose pea-gravel. Like the pea-gravel, their relationship will shift and stumble with any notable unfortunate circumstance. Someday the proverbial party will be over for them: Financial setbacks, illness, the natural aging process, scandals – they will come, and neither one of them will have the depth of character to stay the course. They may remain together for convenience and image, but their lives will be empty and vapid. In other words, miserable.
In contrast, you, on the other hand, have an abundant life ahead of you. Your relationships with your family and friends are deep and meaningful, and your future is full of promise. As excruciating as this is now (and Chump Nation knows this pain very, very well), you will survive this, and then you can thrive in an environment devoid of such odious people. I’m sending hugs your way.
“They may remain together for convenience and image…” but convenience is fleeting to a cheater, and image management is an exhausting, full time 24-7 job that shmoopie will run afoul of eventually. Probably already has, which means the PR team has their hands full as well.
It may not make it into the spotlight, but I guarantee you behind closed doors their life is fuullll of daily inconvenience and the realities of daily life are never glamorous.
Hang in there. Justice will be served, and you may have moved on by then, so it will just catch your eye as you go about your day, and you’ll get your moment of satisfaction, and then move on with the rest of your life.
This is a case for TRUST THAT THEY SUCK.
Your ex husband sucks.
He is sowing a field of sucky crops.
He will reap those sucky crops and enjoy a harvest of suckiness. Suckily. (Hush, it’s totally a word.)
It may seem, in terms of finances and media coverage, that there is no justice in this world. They’re doing better financially, but we’ve seen time and time again that rich people can be just as miserable as poor people, but on a more operatically f&%#ed up scale. And media coverage of Ex and Schmoopie Pie’s fabulous and forever twu wuv, doesn’t mean that it’s real or that they’re happy. It just means that gossip rags thought people would be interested enough in a picture of them that they might buy a copy. The Kardashians are some of the most photographed and written about people in the world. Would you, for one minute, trade your life for a spot in that family’s cess pool of narcissistic dysfunction?
Eventually, the media will get bored with them and move on to a sparklier story. The shine on their Maseratis will fade and your ex will either dump his Sugar Mama for the next shinier toy. Or Sugar Mama will realize that the pack of goods she thought she was getting is actually a lying, cheating sack of crap who will possibly cheat on HER when he feels his needs aren’t being met. And they have to live with being themselves, which is a punishment in itself.
Your job, is to be the rock. To hold it together for your kids and make sure that they know that while you can’t offer designer clothes and the newest latest toys, you can provide them with a stable home filled with love and REAL support. It’s not fair and it will be hard. But you’re clearly the only adult in this situation fit for the task.
On the topic of rocks, you need to become what is known as Gray Rock, that means not offering up the ex any nummy ego kibbles when he comes circling around, whether it’s to pick up the kids or discuss something to do with his tornadic destruction of your life together. Calm. Cool. Collected. As if you couldn’t possibly care less about the goings on in your ex’s life.
Ex’s new house has a treehouse and a petting zoo and a Ferris Wheel, just like Michael Jackson’s?
YOU: That’s nice. (yawn.)
Ex and his Schmoopie Pie have been declared People Magazine’s Greatest Love Story of This Or Any Time?
YOU: That’s nice. (yawn.)
YOU: Ex bought Disney World, just so the kids didn’t have to wait in line for the rides?
That’s nice. (yawn.)
Imagine those people who complain that Starbucks can’t make their coffee because the staff is dealing with a customer’s medical emergency in the store. THAT’S how little you care about Ex. Also, imagine that he’s the one having the medical emergency in Starbucks and it involves soiling himself in public. That’s fun! Here’s a handy link about Gray Rock Technique.
That also means you need to spend every moment that the kids are with your ex taking of yourself. It doesn’t have to be super expensive, but in the words of Tom Haverford, TREAT YOURSELF. Take a long leisurely bath with BUBBLES. Go for long walks. Go to a restaurant you’ve always wanted to try, but you didn’t because Ex hated the cuisine. Read a book that you’ve wanted to dive into but haven’t had the time because you’ve been too busy being the glue that holds a whole damn family together.
It is highly doubtful that anyone other than your friends and family (and Chump Nation) will ever recognize that you are an awesome human being who deserved better. (I hope your children recognize that what their dad did was Full of Wrong and all of the shiny toys in the world won’t make him a better parent than you. And if they don’t now, they do eventually.) It sucks and it’s unfair. But good people rarely get touted for being good people. You just have to keep going and make the best of your life and love your kids and trust that Ex and Schmoopie suck.
Totally a word.
Love the ‘gray rock’ idea. It took me a long time to figure this out!
Thank you, pick muse. I’m not usually so down on myself (actually yes I am) but it has been a rough week. The OW leaks all her own media and sometimes I would like to … Do things that would get me disbarred. And jailed.
I know they suck!
Knowing they suck still doesn’t take away injustice and pain of having it thrown in your face all the time.
I for one have been working like a field horse, feverishly trying to get out of the deep financial and emotional black hole X dug for me and our kids. Sure, I’m mighty. But only because it is be mighty or be homelessness and crush our kids for good. Honestly, I’m doing it for them now. I owe it to my kids to at least try to give them some hope of having a fair shot at having a life at all now.
It infuriates me that X never looked back, is living large, and has absolutely no consequences.
I often wish I had a big brother who would beat the shit out of him. Just one person to stick up for me so I could sit down for a minute and catch my breath.
Mightiness is exhausting.
Chutes and Ladders,
I think I know what you’re talking about. I feel as though I’m rescuing more people (carrying them off the battle field slung over my shoulders) than I ever did while I was in the military. My importance, other than that given a rescuer of others, is fading into the background.
Oh boy, do I hear that. I fight on because I must – I mean, what’s the alternative? But it’s often exhausting and usually lonely. I was walking the dog one day and I swear I felt my dead father-in-law behind me. He said, “I’m gonna kick the shit out of him.” Old ghost, I love you for that. We all get way too much practice being heroes. Well and good, but sometimes you want someone else to be the hero, on your behalf.
I found Narcissist Support very helpful. Thanks for sharing this link Pucks Muse.
SuperChump, in my search for self-help I found Wayne Dyer, an intention—thoughts make your world—guru who died in 2015. I wanted to learn more about him and found a piece he wrote when his wife of 17 or so years took up with a chiropractor 18 years her junior. Now that seems like a losing ticket, but I digress. Dyer was 62 at the time. Imagine the complete horror of developing into a consciousness Dali Lama prototype where you profess that your thoughts become reality and tapping into the unity of humanity with your third eye… and then get absolutely blindsided. I heard that he too had affairs on his previous wives, but who knows with this tabloid crap. Anyway, he accepted their “love” and took blame. I am sure they are living on her alimony. That’s cringe worthy. What I learned from it all is that we cannot control anyone but ourselves, which is a motto here.
Money is just money. It provides a sense of security and luxury. That is really it. It’s not going to cure their character disorders or make them into kind soulful people. You are not the subject of pity, but the opposite. You know reality when you see it. You are noble; your tale heroic. You are very well off. Best to you.
Matching fucking Maseratis? Is he fucking Fabio? Who has one Maserati… Let alone two? Maserati dont have room for car seats… Right? No latch system? Who gives a fuck if he is on the French Riviera and you are at soccer practice…. you kid looks across the field and sees your face. Not
Fabio. Truth is I would be a tad jealous too… I can see myself sipping pernod under one of those umbrellas… Merci Pierre. Snap back to reality and I am folding the giant pile of laundry… Who drank the last can of Dr Pepper? Sucks to be me.
So lets do some reality checks…. Do your kids have health insurance? Check. Will your kids educations be paid for? Check. Will they have fabulous vacations 13% of the year ? Check. Will you be able to pay your mortgage and eat this week? Check.
You are above the 43% of Americans. I know i sit up at night trying to figure out the math and money for my childs future.
You have that. You can compare yourself til the day is long to Jennifer Aniston… Whatever star floats your boat. U will never be happy until u stop comparing….
I am on the French Riviera at this very moment. Yeah, it’s pretty. So are many other places. This is not paradise. It’s just very pretty. If I knew you personally, I could invite you. It’s as simple as that. In some ways, I pity the rich, because what can they buy, really ? They HAVE to live on the same planet.
The sunset looking over the sea is the same on the sand as it is from the balcony of a four star hotel.
A VW will get you from point A to point B as easily as any Maserati.
A BBQ steak at home with a glass of red wine beats the best restaurant in town
True love of a child beats the the false lifestyle of two hyenas
Baked salmon with a group of chumps beats a meal with the phony friends. (shout out to Tempest)
I can go on and on…
It’s all in the way you view life.
Fucker abandoned his family for a piece of moneyed ass. I don’t see anything about him or his lifestyle that could ever trump yours in this lifetime.
Sing it, Calamity! You can’t top genuine. A rhinestone glitters more than a raw ruby, but it’s not worth even one-eighth as much.
SuperChump–Here’s to kids who adore you in the back of the VW, and red wine on the beach watching the sunset with true friends.
Tempest, I would give everything I have to hear my kids tell me that they love me just one more time. They did right up until their sperm donor kicked me out. ???????? I am still very puzzled by it all.:(
Never say never, Maree. Your children do not deserve you, and you do not deserve the heartbreak you’ve been made to suffer. I still have hope that they will see the light, and the horror of how they have behaved toward you. Hugs to you, Maree.
That day will come. He had my children fooled for so many years. The mask will drop.
Until that day share your gifts with those who appreciate you for the loving person you are at this very moment.
I’m with Tempest and Donna on that, Maree, you don’t deserve what has happened. I do hope one day your children come to realize the truth.
I am sorry Maree. As a child of a man like your husband, I was distant from my Mom for years until I had kids of my own- and suddenly I understood her – and everything she had been through. Now I am close to my Mom, and even though she drives me nuts sometimes, I couldn’t stand to be without her. As for my Dad, some days I would give anything for him to love me again, and some days I want to kick him in the ass.
Dying to find out who is this douchebag is!
^^You two crack me up!
Im normally a super curious person but SC and violet and rockstarwife need their privacy and anonymity like we all do so lets be respectful of that.
I have shared things here I never would if people knew me…in my middle class world, if my friends and family knew dead husbands life insurance was a million $ or that my new husband is worth more than me, my life would be screwed. (new husband is a “millionaire next door” type who shops at discount stores and drives a 12 yr old car).
Good point, unicornomore. I was being silly; I stand corrected!
Silliness is normally good but we are kind when we let other chumps know they are safe. Thanks for being gracious about it.
Thank you, I would be mortified if anyone found out who I/they are. Especially them. I don’t want them to think I care. Thanks for being so considerate of this, everyone 🙂
I just want to humiliate the jerk.
I am in Australia, and our current leader of the Labor Party (like the Democrats, but not in government) walked out on his first wife at a football match, and married his younger and richer mistress. Who was herself inconveniently married to someone else at the time, but there you go. And of course there were kids galore involved in this little bit of triangulation. The course of twu wuv never did run smooth.
It’s hard for me personally to vote for someone who would do that, regardless of what side of the political fence they stand on.
I totally empathize with you, SC. My ex is in the national media and also happens to be a flaming, horrible, bitter narcissist behind closed doors. He appears utterly fabulous to the outside world who are ignorant to his “unique” sexual proclivities, to put it politely.
One of his favourite put downs of late has been that I’m a “money grubbing peasant” and that he’ll continue to make a ton of money (he makes about $150k per year – almost triple my salary) while I’ll spend my life broke and alone.
I haven’t yet reconciled his bullshit in my head but know enough to recognize that his money is meaningless. He’s fighting me for $650 in support per month, for goodness sakes!
The public adoration certainly throws in a major, unfair twist and we are reminded daily how we were once deserving enough to be in the presence of greatness but somehow blew it.
This is the same “public” that worships the Kardashians. Who the fuck cares what “the public” thinks?
Substance, that’s what we should admire.
Damn, you are on point, today, Tempest. Exactly!!
I’m getting the support thrown in my face as often as he can. You left your children and see them for 1 day every 2 weeks if that and you thought not having to help financially support them went out the window along with our marriage? No buddy, you’re wrong. So because I receive child support (the maximum cap in TX) based off of his salary…I wouldn’t have nothing if it weren’t for him. He supports my household, my relationships, everything. WHY the hell am I even working then?? Such a fucking asshole. Meanwhile AP takes her ex to court A LOT for more money to make sure those checks roll in.
Grey rock, SayNo–don’t feed the beast. Let him rant all he wants, post his insanity on CL so that we can all have a chuckle and roll our eyes together, but don’t respond, don’t justify, don’t even reply. You can’t argue with stupid or selfish.
After the last blow up about AP hitting my kids and he called them liars and they were making it all up. I’m done. Gray rock is all he’s getting until the end of my days on earth. He sucks. There’s no co-parenting with stupid and I refuse to. I’ll take care of things on my end and pretty soon the kids will start to see (already have an idea) that he’s an idiot. Please God, let them see one day…
No way some bitch would hit my kids. There has to be something else you can do. Call social servives and have them interview your children. This is unacceptable!!
Tell them to take photos of any marks, email or text them to you, and then call the police.
There are many of us in CN who have had to endure these betrayals under the glare of the public light. Hell, I learned about X’s infidelity when a reporter called my office wanting a statement from me about “what happened on X street!” My oldest daughter was away at college and I was able to reach her minutes before the story was blasted around the internet for all to see. What should have been private became infotainment; the story was on every news station and it fucking sucked. Every move I made was subject to scrutiny and of course, then came the bashing, essentially blaming me for being a chump. That whole ordeal was almost as traumatic as the infidelity itself and left me distrustful of just about everything and everyone. Now, the OW has cast herself as a street preacher, ministering to the poor and homeless, and often shows up in the media as the equivalent of St. Teresa. Barf.
How do I get through it all ? By knowing every single word of the story is a lie. Please believe nothing that is being fed to you. Not one word of the concocted story is true or authentic. OW may have money, but she is morally bankrupt. It is all a show, and you can be sure that, in the words of the great Leonard Cohen, “Everybody knows.” Publically, everyone may be pretending these cheaters are great. Privately, people are saying, “Can you believe that douche bag left his wife and kids for a woman who bought his love?” Kind of like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. I don’t care what Jolie does, she will always be a homewrecker and Pitt will always be missing a “sensitivity chip.” And you know what? Even that doesn’t matter, because they have to live with the knowledge that they are terrible human beings.
As for karma, their karma is being them. If you think for one minute that the OW doesn’t know she bought X’s love, you are wrong. She knows he is nothing more than a gigilo, available to the highest bidder. She surely watches his every move to make sure he doesn’t find someone with more glitter. He is a prisoner of her money and has to dance to whatever jig she is playing. Sure he’s got to pretend that everything is great or else he runs the risk of the pissing off his keeper. When she tells him to jump, his ony reponse can be, “How high?”
You may never witness the arrival of the karma bus, but their karma is being them. Disordered people live disordered lives. They can’t help themselves, and all the gold in Fort Knox will not pay for a personality transplant. It has been my experience that the folks who most publicly proclaim the fabulousness of their lives are the ones who are the most miserable. Think Bernie and Ruth Madoff.
So what are you to do? Give yourself permission to process your hurt and anger. Be the best damn parent you know how to be. Find something that brings you some measure of peace and joy (for me, it is my amazing organic garden…and my kids). Do something that you put aside to be a wife and mom. Be thankful for each amazing day you are given on this planet. Be happy that you are free to live a life of integrity, no longer tied to a liar and a cheat. Life is a challenge. Embrace it!
Hell to the YES Violet!! ALL of it….well said 😉
woot woot violet, preach it !
When I first realized that I was Chumped, thenhusband’s gf was young and beautiful and she made 2-3x what I did and her lady parts didn’t have the wear and tear of pushing out a 9 # 10 oz baby. I felt so shitty for a while but in time I have realized that my clear conscience and integrity is more or a treasure than their kibblefest.
And CLs comments:
“But kibbles are not the same thing as love. Love is respectful. Love is generous. Love commits. Love doesn’t abandon its children. The man simply didn’t love you. He’s a person who traffics in kibbles. You probably thought, as many of us do, that if you flung enough kibbles at him, if you were super-duper cheerleader to his accomplishments, he would return the favor — that he would love you. But instead he just took your kibbles (thank you very much), pocketed them, and found better kibble sources elsewhere.”
yes yes yes. I found an old hard drive after he died and on it I found something he wrote assuming I would never see it and he said he never loved me…and the earth didn’t crack open and eat me…I lived to love again which is more than I can say for Major Cheaterpants.
Listen to Violet: I love this bit, “He is a prisoner of her money and has to dance to whatever jig she is playing. Sure he’s got to pretend that everything is great or else he runs the risk of the pissing off his keeper. When she tells him to jump, his only response can be, ‘How high?'”
Super Chump, give it some time. One or the other of those two twits will find someone else. And when your kids are grown they’ll know which parent allotted them 13% of his time and which one was ALWAYS there. You’re the winner in this mess.
Thank you Violet, chump lady, and everyone else for taking the time to reply. I know I am incredibly lucky to be able to support my children myself.
And yes, everyone indeed does know that they suck.
Mainly because they were too stupid to even bother going through the charade of we-didn’t-have-an-affair!
I guess the rules don’t apply to narcs and narcs they absolutely are.
Thank you to chump lady for posting my letter too, I was having a very bad day when I wrote to her (snot crying in a meeting while pretending not to) and her private reply was extremely kind. As you all have been!
I love the reference to Leonard Cohen’s Everybody Knows, violet! Such a great (though depressing) song about narcissism on a global scale, but then it gets more personal for anyone who’s ever been chumped by a romantic partner with these lines:
Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you’ve been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you’ve been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows
Great story, Violet! Thank you.
Love the video, Kat.
Fewer people are fooled by these soulless fakers than we think. It’s just that we don’t hear from them, especially if they are outside our circle of friends. Sure, a few of the public will buy into the shiny story. Many more will eat it up like junk food, but they don’t actually give a rip, and they’re on to a new bag of junk food next week. And then a substantial “silent majority” don’t fall for the hype at all. More people are on your side than you will ever know. All the advice here is so right-on. Be encouraged and don’t lose heart.
Dear superchump, why would you feel like a loser? He left u after knowing her only 1 month. He has no fidelity towards anyone but his own best interest. As far as I m concerned she is the superchump, if she were not a multimillionaire he would not be with her. He is using her for her wealth and status. Their supposedly great relationship is based on superficial appearances…I would laugh at them. Who cares about the cars and home, it’s only things. You know who you are and now better off than with a soulless deserter. You also have a career and don’t need a sparkly douchebag, try moving further away if you can just to have the kids all to yourself. I would hate having to share my children with such an individual. You don’t need the measly 2% pittance.
Exactly what I was thinking, he left after a month of knowing this woman. Somewhere deep down this other woman knows he is with her only for the money. If she were flipping burgers or waiting tables when they met he would not have given her a second thought. So lots of media coverage (more than likely orchestrated by her) on their “wonderful life”. How tiresome. I predict down the road she’ll resent him or he’ll resent her and a third party will be revealed.
And dont worry about the kids. Sure they love going to a house with a waterslide, who wouldn’t. I’d go to some loser’s house to try out the waterslide! But under the enjoyment of the Disney lifestyle, your kids will know who really loves and cares about them, versus who doesnt even invite them to their wedding. Just keep talking to them, and helping them develop real values.
Oh, and try to limit screen time for both you and the kids. I cut the cord with cable, and you cant even imagine how much more peaceful it is now that I dont have to listen to that 24-7 celebrity idiocy. Read a good book. Rent some movies. Its awesome.
Where is Violet or RockStarWife? They may have some special insights for you. All I can offer is that your own integrity is priceless, and the fact that you have your children 87% of the time means that you have the opportunity to educate them on what really matters in life. Your situation is truly unjust, and unfair. No doubt about it. Come here for sympathy and venting. We have your back.
This one hit close to home, so it took me awhile to respond, but boy, can I relate!
I knew you would have something thoughtful to share. So sorry this was triggering for you. ((hugs))
RockStarWife is probably getting hauled to court again by her psychopathic X over some trumped up charge. These are the kind of people we’re going to lament losing? Not.
Ha, exactly, while the judge just eats up his song and dance,
Fortunately, I was not hauled to court this week. I was busy studying, looking for a job, and helping my kids become the people they were meant to be by helping them learn to read, write, and solve arithmetic problems–you know, the daily grind that is part of virtually every chump parent’s life.
Many years ago, for several years, I dated a very wealthy, executive and Ivy League grad cheater. After realizing he was a serial cheater (after his Brazilian bikini model wanna-be called his house trying to reach him and got me instead), I left him for good. He tried to buy me back with the promise of tickets for a world tour. I told him, ‘not interested.’ The Ferrari (and other expensive cars), house(s) with a view of the ocean, world tours just didn’t matter anymore. I drove through midwestern North America with my mother that summer (Thelma and Louise style), staying at dodgy motels (have you ever seen an all red motel room?) and had the best vacation ever! Several years later, I ran into cheating millionaire at a public venue. We met briefly at a restaurant, where he told me his ‘tales of woe’–he was dating a model, much younger than him, with whom he attended counseling as their relationship was feeling less than sparkly. Detached, I just listened–and then left. I would not have felt human if I had married or stayed attached to this cheating millionaire. (I would have felt like a ‘kept woman,’ who had no worth beyond ‘arm candy’ to a cheater.) I will not feel human if I return to cheating STBX.
Some days, I wouldn’t mind having the wealth of some of my exes, but the Ferrari was uncomfortable and I was badgered for getting fingerprints on its door and I was harassed about not wearing the right style of pants, shoes, whatever that human Barbie dolls are supposed to wear. (Non-compliance would result in Cheater have yelling at me or calling me ‘Stupid.’) My twelve-year-old common compact car is showing its age, like me, but its comfortable, like life in my own skin most days.
I wish you, Super Chump, and all other chumps mightiness and happiness in being who you are, cheater-free.
So your ex sold himself to the highest bidder. That doesn’t make him a prize. It makes him a whore. A really expensive whore, but a whore nonetheless. And all that media attention that makes him feel sparkly and special now may expose him and document his fall from glory later. You’ve got your kids, a good job, your integrity and dignity. He’s got smoke and mirrors and a life of illusion. You’ve got what matters. He’s got stuff. Nothing to be jealous of.
He’s got nothing… nothing to be jealous! Love that line…. using it! Thanks!
Sold to the highest bidder! Love that! Exactly what other woman did to asswipe and one of my sons.
SC- your ex may have a lot of material wealth but you have wealth in character, integrity and empathy. I know this sounds corny but it is also true. My STBX and his family have quite a bit more money than me and my family have but we are wealthy in kindness, integrity, character, laughter and love. Even though my xinlaws can offer my kids expensive vacations and all that money can buy, my kids choose spending time with my family over them EVERY time because they feel loved, respected and valued and feel their father’s family is very “broken.” Money and fame do not buy what really matters in this life. It’s a cliche but it is true. Keep your head up and keep showing yor kids what really matters. Hugs to you!
You need to keep your eye on the deeper truth here. The surface truth is that your cheating ex and Ms. Moneybags are living a fabulous life. The deeper truth is that those two are soulless creeps who are incapable of love. Given your values, you would never trade places to be in such a marriage.
Suppose someone offered you your dream house. A mansion. Filled with beautiful objects and staffed like Downtown Abbey (*before* the war, that is). The only catch? It’s built on a toxic waste dump, where cancerous chemicals and poisonous wastes of varied and unknown description are buried. Would you move in to such a house? Would you move your children in to such a house? Of course not. The health and safety of you and your children is far too precious.
The marriage that your cheating ex made is that mansion. His character and the character of Ms. Moneybags is the toxic sludge. You are well off being far away from such a place.
I love this analogy, nomar. It is spot-on. So much of this post and the responses resonate deeply, even though I am not rich or famous, neither is the ex or the Skankdoodle. I am grateful to SuperChump for writing to Chumplady, and grateful to everyone who responded. You don’t know how much this thread has helped me. (Or maybe you do!)
Super Chump, I don’t know how old you are but I am 55. I have had enough time to read a lot of books, join a lot of groups, and do a lot of thinking. And at this stage of my life, I come to realize that the important things are the love you give and receive to/from other people and animals, the love you feel when you are in nature, and that once you have enough money to eat and have a home and travel a bit, there isn’t much else that counts.
I pity the “famous” people who work at polishing their image 7 days a week. The ones who pay amounts of money that could save a lot of rescue dogs, only to buy yet another boat that they will never use. And who fall apart when the lights go off, because their soul is disgusting.
Maserati ? There was one for sale at the nearest garage. The salesguy told me that it was the worst car he had ever driven, the noise hurts your head when you’re driving, and the turns are life-threatening. It’s the epitome of vanity, the owner accepts the pain for the pleasure of creating envy.
I can relate! My situation is a tad like yours (minus the high profile) however the other woman he left for single WHITE femaled me and WAS a super close friend of ours for 8 + years. Babysat my kids, we took her to family holidays etc…. SICK and twisted. She was a girlfriend to the best man in our wedding. Suddenly my husband of 11 years and highschool sweethearts of 20 + years and two young kids, decides this year that I am not good enough for him and he wants a business woman (?????? WHAT… DO YOU FUCKING EVEN KNOW WHAT I DO as a full time job). He is a construction worker keep in mind. Walks out on his family and tries washing his hands of me and us. This chick is a rebound magnet who buys her men apparently and he saw that sparkle (more like a polished turd) and jumped. WTF… FUCk you I hope Karma nails their asses bad. Nothing seems to affect him this far and he still calls her a “friend” when asked. I just don’t understand…. never will. In some ways, I feel like the homewrecker should be considered a housekeeper for taking out my trash! It’s hard though….. My dreams for you and me is to live our lives the best we can for our kids and US and give 0 FUCKS towards those bottom feeder scum bags we once knew.
You lost a weak and defective man. Be glad he is out of your life as well as your children’s.
It’s so hard not to mind what they tell all their friends and family (formerly your family too) about you and about the marriage. Mine told his family he met the Ho after we separated, and God knows what else he told them about me and our marriage. Lies, and nothing I can do about it. Look away from the three-car pileup and move on, girl (I keep telling myself).
I was reading a biography of a former Olympic swimmer who left her 2nd husband for the FERTILITY DOCTOR who was treating them. But that wasn’t the part that got me–I found a follow-up article on the internet where the husband was interviewed and said she is nothing in his life now and he didn’t want to talk about her–and the headline described him as a ‘still bitter ex-husband’–ha! But even better, Dr. Fertility was interviewed and said yes, he had treated them but when he started dating Ms. Olympic Swimmer, she and her husband were ‘separated’. I thought, Does he think this will be published in Highlights for Children–because only a FOUR YEAR OLD would (possibly!) believe Dr. Skank’s story.
From an outsider, their whole lifestyle seems gaudy. Do you want to be in that circus show?
I know it seems like the Fates are giving them some sort of craptacular reward for their behavior. But really, you would have a more dignified life sleeping on the floor than being married to your ex.
As for the media… They gave Tori Spelling a TV show about her marriage. Enough said.
Hi Super Chump–
I agree with Tempest. You don’t sound as if you’re pining after their lifestyle as it is that you’re pining the lack of justice. I know that all of us here at CN love to watch for that karma bus, waiting for the world to figure out that our sparkly cheaters are really just dog turds with sprinkles on them. However, I think that watching for that karma bus on a daily basis is too far from Meh to be helpful.
It’s tough because she’s high-profile rich. He’s high profile in his own right. Anytime wealth marries power, the media are all over it. Hard to be Meh when you read about your X and his OWhore in the papers.
However, that’s your goal. If it helps, remember what you know about your X. He likes to cheat. The fact that he’s married to a millionaire doesn’t change that. His wife likes to sleep with other people’s husbands. The fact that she’s married won’t change that, either. Also, remember that their marriage is so high profile that they have to put up a good front.
So turn away from that show. There’s nothing there to see. If it blows up, then grab the popcorn and watch.
Envying their lifestyle is a bit like me envying the farmer with 100,000 acres while I have my own acre. I can’t compete with the farmer, and really, he’s operating in a different circle and has a different market. Me? I have my own garden. My produce is really good. I grow enough to put a bit by in the freezer. It’s organic, so I don’t have to worry about pesticides or other toxins. I grow heirloom plants, so I’m helping maintain biodiversity in the face of factory farming. I’ll never get rich on my garden, but it’s a pretty damn nice garden. I have flowers, too, and a nice patio I built, with a firepit when evenings get cool. What a relaxing place!
Work with a therapist to tend to your own garden. Instill good values in your children. Teach them that privilege comes with obligation to help others less fortunate. Teach them that Maseratis and Fords are just cars. Attend to your own work/life balance. As a single mom working as a litigator, you put in some mad hours. Carve out “me” time each week, even if it means hiring a sitter for that time.
You ARE mighty! 🙂
Mine left me for one twice my size. I’m small, petite and have a very feminine proportions. Which is his taste. She has me by a hundred pounds, big giant hips, shoulders, man hands and horse feet. Also a two face like that Seinfeld episode. I aint the best looker but I don’t need a bag over my head. But she has money makes ten times what he does. So money is one thing. Guess in the early stages everything was better than what I offered. He always turned bad things into good things. But when he gets real stressed out he cheats. Doesn’t golf or fish or build birdhouses for fucks sake to relieve the stress. Doesn’t turn to the spouse for help or comfort. Just throws everything including me in one big problem he doesn’t want to deal with goes hunting , falls in lust with a better no excuse me different life and in turn makes his life a 100 times worse than it is. He didn’t leave me for better he left me for “different” and every time his life ends up way worse than before. Who the fuck faces problems in life like this? A really fucked up person that’s who. Sorry not sorry but right now she’s the one who suits my needs not you cause I have complete and total control she does what she is told and never questions me ever. She is completely and totally submissive to my needs. Excuse me a moment. Barfed. I should have believed him the first of four times but being a very good person and an incredible chump I didn’t. Now he is playing the pick me dance cause she won’t take him back she. Doesn’t. Trust. Him. Hahahahaha I’m enjoying the hell out of watching him make even a bigger ass of himself. Sweet sweet karma!!!
How long did you have to wait before getting to watch this episode of FUCKEDUPNESS Karma? I so can’t wait for the day but am really hoping I could care LESS when the time comes.
Two years chummydoo but worth the wait. He’s dancing like his ass is on fire! First time he was ever dumped! I raised my glass to him and said you get what you deserved. Been months I’m watching the show. I love his misery!!! Bwahaha!
Mine was dumped by his foreign woman, but did not dance. He became more detached from his home and from me, used to leave our bed during the night to text to other foreigners and m[censored]e and watch TV in the shed, and eventually said he wanted out. He preferred nothing than being with me. I did not enjoy his misery at any point, and at the same time could not console him because after all it was a betrayal.
My ex was dumped by Schmoopie, for another man, TWICE! I only found out about it recently (my ex’s mother is a huge gossip), but it gave me such a good laugh! Turns out that a double-home-wrecking (she cheated on her husband, wrecked her own 3 kids’ intact family, then launched herself at my at-the-time common-law husband, father to our two kids) slut isn’t such a reliable or loyal person! Who’da thunk it?
But still, the very best karma is that he has to live with himself.
He was betraying her, as well, by trying to get back w/me multiple times while they were together. Then during their first break-up, he tried really hard (for him …. didn’t look like much to me or anybody else…) to come back to ‘his family’. But his family had moved on…..
Time stood still for me for a very long time. You are right, everything changes and we all move on. I’m going on my first official date this weekend with a creative, compassionate, soul and I’m happy. My biggest cheerleaders are my three adult children who keep calling me for details. It’s funny how just a year ago I was unable to function never mind even think about moving on emotionally. I can’t emphasize enough that as tough as it feels we can live better and gain a life because we do the fucking WORK.
Comparatively, they are lazy grabbing on to someone else to fill their emptiness and longing to find a quick fix for their lack of humanness ( if that’s a word). Money was never what rocked my world. Notoriety and prestige both have a shelf life. There is a staying power chumps have for love, compassion, empathy, and honesty. I now channel my energies into the deserving.
I will take chances and perhaps make mistakes. However, they will not be long lived. I will never beat myself up over someone else’s insecurities or lack of character. No one will ever have the power to wipe the smile off my face as long as I live.
Donna, I am so happy to hear this! Do tell more when we have our meetup in December. I’d also like to hear if you did something interesting in October … 🙂
Super Chump you are in need of Self Esteem Boot Camp.
Listen, we’ve all been there. I turned 40 and days later my EX moved in with the 25 year old OW. My self esteem was zero. I invested in my EX and supported him in his business, but the 25 OW was his prize. She wasn’t even hot, smart, or anything enviable….but the fact that she was 25 was like a dagger in my back.
Please open your eyes! The life you have is envied by so many people: you are smart; have four healthy kids; have a great job and really good income; men hitting on you; your EX paying child support; etc.
You also need to see what we see: your EX is a fucktard.
If you haven’t seen it, rent “The First Wives Club”. I know it is a Hollywood movie, but watch as the women become empowered — they become polished as the gems they really are.
Hey MovingLiquid – thanks. Can’t believe I’ve never seen that move. Just watched it. Wow, what a ‘feel-good’!
Super Chump, I’m so sorry that you have to deal with your ex’s crap being shoved in your face all the time. Part of getting on with your life is not having to think about his any more, and I can see why that’s so hard to do for you. Your story reminds me of Johnny and June Cash’s. Nashville spent all their time marketing those two as the love story of a century. In the movie “Walk the Line,” one of his daughters was so upset over how her mother was portrayed, she stormed out of the preview http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/life/people/2005-11-10-cash-daughter_x.htm His first wife, Vivian, wrote a book called “I walked the line” to tell her side of the story. She remarried and lived a quiet life doing volunteer work and spending time with her kids after her split from Cash.
There have been so many stories like this among the famous, and often the story of their “amazing love” is followed by a spectacular blowout.” It’s perfectly normal to wish for karma to get them, but that’s not your job. Your job is moving forward, focusing on your life, surrounding yourself with positive, uplifting and encouraging people. Leave it put to God or the Universe to deal with your ex. You are a worthwhile, giving, loving person with integrity. No amount of money can purchase that.
Yeah does anyone else find themselves leaving movies that glorify cheaters or avoiding films, music, whatever that involves celebrity cheaters/narcs? I have no tolerance for this at all.
Nicole S, I deliberately avoid movies that are all about “love and happy ever after endings”. I can no longer listen to music because it is such a trigger. My ex husband and I loved music and dancing since we have known each other. Typical baby boomers born in the 50’s!! I can no longer tolerate false, insincere or misleading anything.
I was watching criminal minds today about a wife who cheated and her husband killed the ap but that wasn’t even the point of it- but the whole time I was all “meh. Oh. Shit. What if I’m losing my moral compass now”
I avoid all social media, films, books, TV and people which glorify cheating, abuse, narcissistic shit, overly vapid crap, or fake-‘reality’ shit. I’ve got better things to do than to listen or watch that garbage. And if anyone tries to push that crap on me, I will say “I don’t watch garbage which glorifies disordered behaviour.”
If you listen to Johnny Cash sing “Hurt”, you can hear that his life was not quite as fabulous as portrayed,”But you can have it all,my empire of DIRT…”
That’s what I was thinking violet. Has to be one of the saddest pieces of music ever, and it’s hard to believe that Cash was at peace with himself at the end when you watch the video.
Agreed, he couldn’t have been at peace. But it seems he was looking hard at himself, confronting what we usually fear to see about ourselves. That’s somewhat encouraging, despite the sadness of the song.
I just gave it another listen and I’ve changed my mind. Based on the video, they made it all about June. It’s not about how he hurt his first wife at all. Sigh. Maybe nobody ever learns, even with death staring them in the face. I’m hoping the marketing machine made the decisions about the June emphasis, and maybe he was thinking more broadly than that. Who knows.
I mean’t “Leave it to God or the Universe to deal with your ex.” Wish there was an edit feature!
Great post! We always seem to focus on what others have and not on how blessed we personally are. Super Chump, i’m sure there are many people who see what you have and are jealous. But that doesn’t really matter does it? It’s therapeutic to focus on the things you have. Write down a couple of things every day that you are thankful for. It helps. As far as him, his life is just like fakebook. You’re only seeing the glamorous. You lived with him long enough to know the true him. And just like all those shiny stars we see on TV that are so in love, most likely his fairy tale will implode one day too. You are mighty working and showing you’re kids what a person of real character lives like!
I agree that we always seem to focus on what others have. Here’s a link to an article about why we might be wired to make comparisons. It’s part of our survival mechanism. Don’t beat yourself up, Super Chump, for comparing your life to his. It’s natural. Maybe you can shift your comparisons to more worthwhile peers. I like the company around here at CL. Lots of great stories that inspire me to do better.
Here is something to keep in mind. Ms. Moneybag is ‘renting’ your ex’s dick.
If they split, he wouldn’t get any of her wealth as its acquired before marriage. You didn’t say their ages but I am guess he is at least 10 years older. Well, Ms. Moneybags has to have a good looking prop so as His Dickness ages, he may lose value, like the Maserati, and get traded in.
Do you have a good argument for more support? You are a litigator use his highness to embarass him into paying more. At least get him to set up college funds for all the kids. He obviously has the money or access to it. make sure you are signatory to the funds so he can’t pillage without two signatures.
You don’t want this douchebag and his ‘ho spending more than 2% time with your kids. He’ll ruin them.
You have you, the kids and a great job. I think you won.
Forget about the spin. Anyone who knows the truth can’t have alot of respect for a guy who ditches his kids for a rich bitch.
Give yourself time to heal before you date.
Dating isn’t all its cracked up to be but work on yourself – finding real joy in every day things is. Its is where you will find your ‘mightiness’.
Bless you and hugs.
I agree StarbucksGal! ‘finding real joy in every day things is. It is where you will find your ‘mightiness’.!!!! This is so true! I have found my joy in everyday things also!!!! And it is a peaceful, serene joy without all the tension and anguish I used to endure from satan!
I have learned so much about myself and my abilities…I have accomplished so much I never would have tried to do when I was with him…I would have just appreciated his half-hearted, usually poorly or half done job and never thought about how I might have done it better, or the joy I enjoy from a job well done!
I look around at all the things I have accomplished in just the 5 short months since the divorce was final and I am amazed! My neighbors here in my new neighborhood are amazed that such a small little, older woman ALONE has done some of these jobs! They tell me I am ‘creative’ and ‘awesome’…WHAT?! All I ever heard from satan was, ‘You can’t do that!’…regardless of what it was.
…now I know it’s just because I COULD and it would make him look BAD.
Be VERY GRATEFUL that you are free of your BAG OF DISORDERED ASSHOLE!!!!! YA!!!!
WE ARE SO LUCKY!!!!!
I have always been good at house projects and I enjoy them. DeadH seemed really uncomfortable with my successes so rather than find his niche, he just criticized me – an this criticisms were harsh and unrelenting..so I tried to do better and I did and it got worse.
One time we moved into a house that had a dreadful master bath…it was so ugly…we couldn’t afford a remodel so I undertook a makeover … beautiful delft blue walls with white beadboard wainscoting with waverly fabric blue & white drapes with wood cornice boxes and on the hideous peach linoleum floor I used “garage floor paint ” to make it white and stenciled a pattern on it (from a few feet away, it looked like stunning custom tile work). It only took a few days (I didn’t inconvenience him for months) but I needed 2 coats of sealant on the floor …he said if I took any more time he would destroy the bathroom, rip it to pieces (and I believed him).
4 years later that bathroom was huge selling point of the house and the quick sale saved us from financial ruin.
I can’t imaging living with the demons inside me that caused him to be so hateful.
I have also found joy in everyday things and been a thankful person who could appreciate even the smallest good thing as a reason to find momentary contentment. I tried everything to show him how to find peace and beauty in things and he snarled and griped.
Super Chump, it may not feel like it, but I bet there are many people who look at the couple in the spotlight with disdain. I can say this from recent experience reading some infotainment “news” just last week.
Remember about a dozen years ago the actor Billy Crudup left his longterm, very pregnant partner Mary-Louise Parker for Claire Danes. Ol’ Claire just told Howard Stern, unapologetically, “I was just in love with him and needed to explore that… I didn’t quite know what those consequences would be.” 12 years later and she’s still saying ‘damn the torpedoes…full speed ahead…me me me!’ Such a nice reminder of how gross cheaters are. But I see it. And people will see it about your scummy ex and his need to explore being a kept man.
Now, about those Maseratis. A friend recently picked me up in he airport in his, and explained to me how Maserati recently changed their pricing and flooded the market. I told him what a pretty car it is. He told me it’s the “best looking piece of shit” he’s ever driven. It’s left him stranded on the highway twice, and parts of the interior (that only the people on the inside can see) are falling apart.
Welcome – I hope spending time here accelerates your healing.
Wow, a Maserati is like a cheater. All sparkles on the outside for show, and leaves you stranded by the side of the road. Though I would say mine was more like a Pontiac Aztek.
Damn, that triggered a memory–my X used to compare himself to a sleek Italian sportscar. I’m sure he intended it to flatter himself, but your point is much more apt!
One of my law partners just got a Maserati for his (third) wife. They are flooding the market and not nearly as out of reach as they used to be.
Super Chump, you have come to the right place.
Don’t. Believe. The. Hype.
Being all up in the media and in the public eye your ex will be in warp drive image management mode. It’s all bullshit.
Stop comparing their shallow existence to your genuine one. He’s probably cheating on her too, but who cares, you have better things to focus on like you and your four children.
All the money in the world cannot buy good character. Fuck them!!
Hugs to you. X
Lifestyles of the rich and famous might be entertaining to watch — from a distance. Fairytales are fun to read, and comic books are fun to read — the life of a super-hero is really something, I would sure like to be able to fly at will. But I live in the real world. I am thankful for simple things, like having a job, being able to pay my bills, having health insurance — and health! My younger brother had a small stroke last Friday, yesterday evening I received a call from my mother saying he was awake and able to move his body parts, and able to talk to her and ask questions about what had happened to him. I feel fabulous just for being able to tell that story!
We tend to glamorize things and people who (at least momentarily) own them, but I don’t believe that is what is important. Life is definitely not fair when it comes to the amount of money you have or the things you own, but most of the time I look around and see I am much luckier than most people, and I hope they do not resent me for my modest life. Things tend to be temporal — true values last forever. Love your children to the best of your abilities, stop looking for “fair”, enjoy your health. You will be concentrating on the most important parts of your life. Consider the rest of life “entertainment”. Entertainment may ease the boredom or the stress — it serves a purpose, but it is not essential like shelter, food, and the ability to independently do whatever needs doing to sustain your life and your children. Examine your priorities, and the trash you are worrying about will be much less important to you.
Living life is a process, harder on some days than others. Good luck with staying grounded in reality — it really does help when you are feeling blue.
Portia, sending positive thoughts for your brother’s swift and complete recovery!
Thank you — it is quite a shock when a younger sibling, who appears to be extremely healthy, suddenly goes down. I was wondering not only if he would survive, or if it would happen again, but also what quality of life he would have. Waking up on the right side of the grass, and feeling good are two of the most valuable things a person can have each day!!!
I lost my dad and my beautiful niece within a four month period this year. My niece was only 30 years old and had so much more life ahead of her. I feel I would be dishonoring their memory if I did not do everything in my power to live my life in an authentic and honorable way. Portia, you are so right, “true values are forever.” The other stuff is just that, stuff.
Thank you for your kind words. I have not lost my parents, siblings, or any children yet, but I have lost my grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends. It is a strange feeling when they are not just a phone call away anymore. It gives a whole new perspective to living with a loss. Stuff can be replaced, if it is needed, but only memories remain when you lose a person. It is easy to see what is really valuable when you learn that lesson.
I hope he’s doing well, now, Portia. (and sometimes the swelling from a stroke means people lose functions only temporarily, so that the abilities return over time. Wishes for his speedy recovery.)
Thanks — the doctor says he thinks the damage will be reversed as he heals, and I guess time will tell the tale. The fact that he has made so much progress in a week is very encouraging.
Portia, best wishes for your brother’s recovery! My sister and brother are both dealing with health problems and they are pretty much what’s left of my entire family. It’s scary. Violet, I am so sorry for your loss, and inspired by your attitude.
They Are Not Long – Ernest Dowson
Vitae summa brevis spem nos vetat incohare longam.
They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate;
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.
They are not long, the days of wine and roses,
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.
I love this poem, it reminds me that life and love are fleeting, and should be enjoyed while we can. It helps me choose to laugh instead of weep, to value the time I have with the people I love, and to choose to avoid those who make me miserable. I hope it brings you some comfort, too!
It’s gorgeous, Portia, thank you! Now I know where that phrase “the days of wine and roses” comes from.
SC, I get where you’re coming from on this, because I’ve got a similar scenario going on with my stbxw (I’ll about, yours sounds worse).
But if you’re using back statements as a measurement of life worth, then you need a gently kick in the spiritual ass.
You and Mr. Asshat will be able to take exactly the same amount of bank withdraws you when you croak: $0.00. Any life with a major relationship in it that’s based on lies is NOT a successful life.
As DM stated above, integrity is a much better litmus test of a good life; you’ve got it in spades, and your ex asshat is totally in the red on that department.
My dead husband threw us under a bus so that he could take a really fancy job in a fancy city (which just happened to be the fancy with where OW got a job too – imagine the coincidence). He worked for a super high end sportswear company. His classmates and chums turned green with envy when he told them who he worked for – he LOVED that.
He wanted the cake of the good family and I was high on hopium so I played right into it spackling his decision all the while. The sum total of what he took with him when he died was a pair of pants from said company that I had him buried in. I was left with the memory of his horrible value system that put that stupid job SO far over me and the kids. He can explain to God why his prestige trumped his family.
I pictured those two Maseratis in the driveway and it reminded me of O.J. and Nicole Simpson’s matching Ferraris; his was red and hers was white and had the vanity license plate L8 4 AD8. They too had what looked like the dream life, with a big house & football-shaped swimming pool. And we all know what happened. What it looks like on the outside doesn’t always match what’s going on inside the mansion. When I still spoke of XH I would say that the ugly on the inside was beginning to show on the outside! He just got uglier and uglier once I knew who he was.
Thank God for CL and CN! I find you all so inspiring and validating. I’m a litigator too with 4 kids. Douche bag is also in the public eye somewhat. He devalued and discarded 8 months ago…1st DDay 12/27/14. That girl is 18 years younger- not a professional, all giggly and googol eyes over H and how “successful and wonderful” he is. I’m struggling with the discovery last week of the earlier affair 4/14-ongoing…. That OW is very high profile entrepreneur, in her 40s, furious about discovery of young OW and wanted my help destroying H! WTF?! Trying to be NC but I keep breaking it to respond to H’s blame shifting – now it’s that I ruined his relationship with kids bc they found out about earlier OW! Of course, the fact that he cheated and had an OW and a second OW and assaulted me, raged at kids and blamed them, and abandoned had nothing to do with it! Everyday I start day with intention to have NC because I know it works but I keep going back to the narc and getting burned. Why am I doing this to myself? I read other chumps do as well. I have to actually see Douche tonight when I take daughter #4 to her 1 hour dinner visit at the mall. I’m dreading it but plan to be gray rock on the outside. Ugh! Help. I don’t even feel like getting out of bed today and I have a shit load of work and real deadlines to meet in a case I’m handling and feel behind after returning late last night from a work trip. Life is really hard right now. Taking it one hour at a time.
Hand her off, go shopping and pick her back up in 1 hour if that is allowed. I don’t have much to offer in help. Jedi Hugs!
MotherChump–you’re worth more than that! Stop putting your hand in the blender! How old is daughter? Old enough to walk from the corner of the foodcourt to cheater’s table? Then let her. Does she have a cell phone? Then have cheater drop her at the Lost children desk; he can leave and she can call you to get her after you’ve bought a new hand creme to pamper yourself.
MotherChumper, drop her off and go get a massage. Do something nice for yourself. Take care of yourself!! Nothing but good will come from taking better care of yourself.
MotherChumper, totally what Tempest said, TOTALLY. Big hugs and much love to you!
“If s/he cheated with you, s/he’ll cheat on you.” That’s Chump 101. The sparkliness of that new person, the rush of a new ‘love’, the thrill of sneaking around (if you’re disordered, that is), make these cheaters think they have found their true live schmoopie soul mate and they will have a fabulous life together. Add in a ton of money and the lifestyle it buys, and media attention, and that makes for quite a high. But that high wears off. The stresses and strains that occur in any relationship will happen, the ups and downs of real life will come along, and suddenly the sparkles aren’t enough to sustain the relationship. And what does a cheater do for stress management? Cheats! Fills that thrill void. And when he’s caught doing a naked tandem run down that water slide with the undocumented nanny, the humiliation will be very public, and the interest in them will be for a different reason. The higher the highs, the lower the lows. And he will cheat again, or she will, or both, because they both have shitty character. And it’s all about character. That’s Chump 102.
“. . . a naked tandem run down that water slide with the undocumented nanny”
Priceless visual. It brings to mind our former California governor.
Thanks, Survivor–I can’t un-see that image of a gleeful, naked Schwarzenegger!
“And what does a cheater do for stress management? Cheats!” Fills that thrill void.
Brings to mind the former New York Governor. And what did he do after his wife stood by him looking like the poster child of public humiliation. Cheated again!
Oh, Chump4Bolero–those videos of Silda Spitzer standing behind her cheating H were haunting. How to suck the life out of an otherwise intelligent, strong woman.
A multi-millionaire that only gives 2% ( actually considerably less if you factor in his joint income) to support his kids and insists on keeping all the “nice” stuff at his home speaks volumes about his true self centered character. Wow what a selfish asshole and horrible father. It maybe worth asking a lawyer about modifying your children’s support . If he and his otherwife are worried about negative media they may quickly agree to doing the right thing and paying reasonable child support.
Hi SD! I wish I could, because frankly I need a new car desperately! But my state has a child support cap that I’ve already met. So there’s no more coming because ‘he pays every cent he’s legally obligated to’.
What about other expenses? childcare? extracurriculars? I assume you are nailing him for every cent, but if not, I would be all over that in a minute.
Super chump I have a buddy breaking into Hollywood (I hope that’s not a code word for hooking… Ooy) and he put it beautifully- “people with these gooey romances in the papers just have a good publicist and a bad/boring sex tape”… Smoke and mirrors.
“…but I keep going back to the narc and getting burned. Why am I doing this to myself?”
You do it because you just can’t believe there is not some shred of decency with someone you had children and a long term marriage. You keep going back to see if maybe it is there, this time.
I know the blistered burn. Well.
Thank you CJ!
I cannot begin to imagine how demoralizing it is to have constant reminders of your shallow ex spotlighted in the media as Mr. Fabulous. **gag** Yet, your ex’s true, personality disordered colors shine through in the fact that he won’t allow your children to bring any clothes that he purchased to wear when they are with you at your home!! Chump Lady is absolutely right — he is using them as props to support his inflated ego.
Rich narcissists have an easy time propelling themselves forward in life… Yes, it sucks that there seems to be a lack of karmic justice. I think 99% of us chumps feel the same as you. We were violated in ways we never imagined nor expected. We were plugging along doing everything we thought was right, then got blown out of the water. Our exes walked away with only a few scratches when it feels like they should have been shackled and locked up for their crimes.
You really need to be proactive about cutting off the pipelines of information about your ex and his life. Stop looking at the forms of media that are showcasing him. If you have friends who continue to have a relationship with him, dump them. There no longer is a need to keep tabs on him nor compare your life to his. There will always be a connection since you have children together but you can take steps to reduce the interactions to kid business only. Put some boundaries in place so that you can move forward in your life. Focus on yourself and your children. You are worth it!! (((Hugs)))
You’re completely right, I have to stop reading the press that showcases them. It’s down to a dull roar lately and I can avoid it if I make a concerted effort xxx
Eliminating the flow of information was one of the best things I did to vastly improve my overall state of mind. I also found that practicing meditation (mindfulness) helps when I become anxious and stuck in that loop of letting emotions get the best of me. It centers you and brings you back to the present moment. The basic premise is that you sit quietly and clear your mind of all the emotional chatter – letting go and not worrying about the past nor the future, just being in the now. As soon as a thought pops in your mind you stop it by addressing it as “thinking” then let it go. I try to find a quiet place outside and just focus on listening to the birds chirping or the leaves rustling. It really does help me calm down and diverts feeling overwhelmed by emotions. It takes practice but you will find that you get better at it over time and can sit for longer periods without thinking about anything at all. I also have gotten better at catching myself when I start ruminating and getting distracted by irrelevant thoughts and I can consciously stop myself from continuing down that path. Hang in there, SuperChump. You are not alone!
Dear Super Chump: Crapweasel’s trajectory shares some of your ex’s… in the middle of our divorce he hooked up with a former (college) GF who has a mighty bundle of dough. She was also married, no kids, no conscience either. As soon as the ink was drying on our divorce she filed (I am/we were on the east coast,(thankfully) she’s on the west.)
So as soon as I had moved my stuff out of our final shared abode (we sold the big house), he jettisoned everything, and hopped on a plane to California. Moved in with Narcissa California.
Here’s the hitch (pass the popcorn) her divorce is still in trial more than 2 years on (did I mention she comes from money?). And, she has Parkinsons. Couldn’t happen to a nicer Ho. Meanwhile she sucks up to Michael J. Fox to get her name in the papers.
So Crapweasel is hanging out there, probably thinking he’ll get a big payday, but of course old money is held tighter than a gerbil’s asshole. Pretty soon he’ll be wiping her behind.
All of which is to say: money ain’t everything…it’s really not much at all, if there’s no integrity. Karma will come for you, too.
OMG I snorted coffee out my nose! I’ll be laughing all day at this one, thank you!! “Couldn’t happen to a nicer Ho.” Oh my, yes.
We are fed from cradle to grave that attaining material things and celebrity is the apex of American life. It’s all we want. We are programmed to believe and buy this crap. And all of us know that’s not what counts. I hope Super Chump is raising her children with the proper values. But kids will be kids and will love all the material crap dad has to offer. After all HE HAS A WATERSLIDE. How can mom compete with a freaking WATERSLIDE?
Look SC disengage from the media bullshit. Turn off FB and the television. It’s not real it’s not truth. And for crying out loud rearrange your own value of what success is and show that to your impressionable children.
You got dealt a shitty hand but not because you don’t have a Maserati or a WATERSLIDE but because you had a piece of shit husband that you bred with.
A piece of shit is a piece of shit regardless he lives in a castle or a hovel, drives a Maserati or a Dodge Dart, has a waterslide or sprays off with a hose. You cannot put lipstick on a pig! He’s a pig, make sure you aren’t
There is NO luggage rack on a hearse. We come into this world by ourselves with nothing and we will all leave it in the same manner. Concentrate on how YOU will want to be remembered for your time here. The only person you can control is yourself – take pleasure in the fact that you are a fine and good person. Model for your children how you would like them to behave if adultery happened to them. Breath in, breathe out, move on?
I sent my children to private schools on minimum wage jobs. Their friends were rich by comparison. When my daughter came home and asked me why they were able to spend 80,000 on their beautiful kitchen I told her it really didn’t matter because we were the rich ones. We had each other. I drove them to school each day in my 500.00 car with a missing muffler, as her friends mother had a beautiful Vet. They thanked me as adults for teaching them money wasn’t everything.
A fucking water slide? I’m laughing. I’d show up at the next public event, sit in the park with my children in their “regular” clothes, put a vanity plate on my junk car (with your last name if it’s the same) and pass out the spam sandwiches and have the chikdren wave from across the street. Water balloons are fun and cheap.
There are so many injustices in this world, this one just so happens to be close to home. The only way to be happier is to turn off the tv, don’t read the local news and focus on what you have…four wonderful children. You show them how to rise above injustice, how to be a good person, how to be humble and not entitled. One day, when they are adults, you can sit back and smile at your hardwork. It will not be easy. It will suck most of the time. However, you can lay your head down each night comfortable in the fact that you’re a great mom.
Super chump, how many times in our marriage to the ex narc, did we present our self as the happy couple to the world, while having problems at home. What they are doing is managing their image. You don’t know what goes on behind close doors. Really trust that they suck. Please checkout this website of Melanie Tonia Evans about narcissistic abuse recovery that is really helpful. It helped me a lot.
This is so true! Even I engaged in the fame whoring when we were married, for ‘the good of his career’. I was so busy being a Stepford wife, I didn’t realise I was actually a super chump. Xxx
It wasn’t for fame or publicity, but the snake often ended his silent freezes shortly before a social/work event where he wanted to pretend to have a happy family and wife. So I might spend the evening in a good mood, only to have him bait me into a fight, and it was right back into the freezer with me… I’m sure we seemed happy to most people. I guess I was, but only temporarily.
They ARE NOT fabulous. Cheaters and APs are losers, regardless of their fame, money, or personality.
My friends and family adored my ex wife. So much fun! Such intelligence! So cute and bubbly!
But once she started cheating, no one cares about all of her great traits. They reminded me that NONE of that matters if a person cheats and lies.
Look, some of the most charming people in history were actually serial killers.
Being amazing in 10 different superficial ways doesn’t matter, if you’re not dependable and faithful.
I understand how the letter writer feels and others too. We aren’t famous or in the public eye but my h left for a woman he discarded 40 years before and recently I discovered he had moved into a ‘lifestyle’ apartment she had bought for him . It was hard for a moment but then I realised that she had bought him – lock stock and barrel – and that he has sold his soul for a different piece of ass (yes even though he is 72 and old enough to know better). The only thing that worries me is that he might turn up one day looking for shelter. I shall have to push him off the step!
You have your kids and they will know that you are the one that was there for them and that their father wasn’t. You are worth so much more than him.
Super Chump, I get it. I looked at the Victorian house on Long Island Sound that my XH and Schmoopie bought on Willow and did a slow burn of jell-o. But then I saw it was 100 years old and could smell the mold from 3000 miles away. And you know what? She lives with a cheater who she can’t trust. As I read here awhile back “the mills of the gods grind slowly, but exceedingly fine.”
Syringa, I love that quote – it’s from the Bible, I think. It’s so hard not to compare their outer lives to our inner ones. But it’s comparing apples to oranges (I keep telling myself).
It’s a very short poem, and it is a good read. By Longfellow, called ‘Retribution’.
Thanks, Lola! I’ll check it out.
Like others have said this is an assault on my sense of justice, very few of us get justice. Most of us didn’t really learn the “life’s not fair” lesson because our parents tried to make everything within their power “fair”. You are an adult and though we all wish we could have a life of lux at times, well we get over it and keep buying lottery tickets. Don’t compare, you are a litigator, so I take it you make decent money, you are not poor. That is just fine! Buy a lottery ticket once a week. But the kids? WTH message is he sending them?
The thing I can’t get over is this: “and dress my kids in designer clothes (that they’re not allowed to bring home to my house)”.
This is seriously fucked up, it is cruel. What is he teaching your children with this action, what damage is he doing to them? Do the kids have a therapist? It’s as though they are grubby things that must be cleaned up and fixed up while they are at their fathers house, then discarded until the next visit. Not invited to his wedding, seen only a few times a year (do they have to do “family” photo ops for the media too?)
I don’t imagine you’d want to expose your kids to media, but I do wonder how his great love story would go over if someone mentioned how he treats his children to a reporter.
Envy is the enemy of the Force, do not succumb! Jedi hugs!
Hey Dat …. 🙂
‘The thing I can’t get over is this: “and dress my kids in designer clothes (that they’re not allowed to bring home to my house)”.
This is seriously fucked up, it is cruel. What is he teaching your children with this action, what damage is he doing to them? Do the kids have a therapist? It’s as though they are grubby things that must be cleaned up and fixed up while they are at their fathers house, then discarded until the next visit. Not invited to his wedding, seen only a few times a year (do they have to do “family” photo ops for the media too?)’.
Excellent, excellent observations. I agree with you … seriously fucked up and cruel. I’ve no doubt eventually the kids are going to resent not being able to have full ownership of the clothes he’s buying them. I can’t decide whether he’s doing that for a passive aggressive dig at Super Chump or as some sort of twisted bribe to get them to see how sparkly, sparkly being at his home is – probably both. The kids are going to wise up to that crap, if they haven’t done already.
I don’t think Super Chump is envious, I’m totally getting it’s the ‘injustice’. Well, as high as the media take these people – when the cracks begin to show (and we all know they will – hell, they already are – what with the loaned clothing, the 2%!!!! child support (how the hell has he got away with that???) the 48 days annual (yep, I did the maths 🙂 ) contact – pfff) – well – the media will absolutely love dishing that dirt, won’t they?
Brangelina – hard to respect them, regardless of anything they may do for world peace or child adoption – the foundations of their relationship can never be forgotten. Johnny Cash was mentioned above – his ‘history as a cheater and a man who walked out on his family’ – not forgotten. So many others – Paul Newman, Tom Cruise (and his ongoing madness) – well, you get the picture. Super Chump’s spineless ex and his dubious gazillionaire wife may well be getting the plaudits now – but those friendly, friendly paparazzi are going to look like jackals at some point – because that’s the nature of the beast (fame). Can you imagine the media not having a feeding frenzy if they knew who Super Chump’s ex is? Heck – as someone else above said – I’d like to know who that ‘dream couple’ are – and I’m not even that interested in celebrity (they all have to take a dump – just like I do) – the media want to sell copy. That’s all that matters to them. The wheel will turn and it’ll be the ‘darling couple of the moment’s’ turn to fall. And their wads of cash aren’t going to buy them out of that karma – that’s for sure! Take heart Super Chump – when the shit hits the fan there’ll be nowhere either of these dingbats will be able to hide. Stock up on popcorn and the longer it takes for the media to get savvy to their back story the deeper their fall will be!
P.S. Having been ‘stitched up like a kipper’ by ‘The Great I Am’ in the divorce ‘settlement’ (I have to put that in quotes because it was/will be – yep still ongoing – an absolute pittance) – I take comfort from the fact that the reason for divorce and the amount of ‘settlement’ is a matter of public record. For as long as they keep records anyone can go in and read all about ‘The Great I Am’ and what sort of character he has. I don’t know if the amount of child support is also a matter of public record, but for Super Chump, I hope so … it’s a grubby, dirty secret if not. Gawd, fancy going down for posterity as the man who gave only 2% of his income to his children … urgh. Who would want to be him!
It is massively fucked up. They have giant walk in robes full of 1000’s of dollars of clothes, and they are not allowed to bring any of it back, not even shoes, which they only get to wear three times before they’ve grown out of them, because he has them so seldom. And if he takes them out for dinner (actually, he’s only done that twice) they have to change out of ‘my’ clothes and into ‘his’ clothes in the car.
AGH !!! That is so fucked up ! To the kids right now that is their normal so they may just go along with it. As they get older and look back on it, they will eventually see it is totally fucked too.
It’s hard enough being the sane parent isn’t it?
Get up, get the kids up, get them ready for school, get them to school, go to work, get home from work in time to fix food before getting the kids to their activities, get the homework done and get them to bed. If you’re lucky you can work a load of laundry in there or some vacuuming while you’re yelling for the kids to get it together and go.
I can’t imagine what it’s like for Super Chump to be completely unable to tune out and go no contact.
Take heart though SC, the kids know, or they will know who the sane parent is. It’s a long term investment strategy. Believe me, when one of them says something out of the blue that alludes to the fact that they know you are the one who is there for them or the one that gets stuff done for them or the one they can count on, it warms your heart, fortifies your soul, and makes that 13% a crappy little annoyance. The day will come. I promise it will come.
I feel for you. I sometimes wished the OW was some unknown.. Which maybe in hindsight there were a few of those too…
Anyways I recently came across a published interview with the OW on theglasshammer.com which is a sight dedicated to women in the workforce and it includes insightful interviews with top women executives.
Yes the OW is a CEO of an insurance company. Probably worth millions.. And in her interview on this sight she talks all about her hard work getting to the top. How you have to value INTEGRITY (two paragraphs on this) omfg! and how blessed she is..yadda yadda yadda
This asshole PhD failed to mention the long time affair she had with my husband who worked for her on her ‘team’ she built that provided so much success for the company. Yes they traveled around sipping wine, ordering room service, and hooking up at her townhouse only blocks away from the office….Oh there were rumors of others at the workplace… I think my husband was bummed about that.. Not to mention the restaurant owner she was screwing at the same time all while married to a guy who was a former student of hers. Fucking amazing!! Talk about talented!!!! Thank god 2 of the guys had the same first names… Multitasking manipulation!!!
Oh and no mention of how she was eventually fired from the company due to an undeserved bonus she approved to an employee(probably another victim)
Well she moved thru a few more companies since then and I’m sure more victims to get that CEO title..
No moral compass
No ‘real life’
I hope she puts CEO on her gravestone cause that’s all she’s got!
Wow, what a story! I’m so sorry. Really I am. I have 2 boys who were 4 and 6 when their father left for his Schmoopie (his mentee at work). Turns out she was banging my husband (her boss) and her other boss at the same time! Anyhoo, my ex didn’t marry her but married someone else. They now have 2 little kids. My younger son came home a few years ago very sad and dejected. His Dad and Stepmom kicked him out of his bedroom for the 4 year-old stepbrother to use because my son “has the largest bedroom and he is only there 4 days a month.” My son now sleeps in the basement. He is still sore about this and he is 17 years old now. As my son said, “You can forgive, but you don’t forget.” Blessings. I have had my children in therapy for years. I have vented my anger to therapists and friends but have tried my damndest to not show it to the kids. I’m letting them figure it out for themselves. Lots of hugs!
Super Chump, I’m really sorry about what you’re going through. It’s bad enough to feel abandoned and humiliated among your circle of friends, family and local community… I can’t imagine going through that kind of pain on a public level like you have.
But no matter how fabulous the world thinks your ex and the OW are, just know that your children know which parent was there for them through thick and thin, which parent cared and comforted them when they were sick, attended all their school events, prepared their meals and put them first. They’re also going to know which parent threw them overboard for a woman who couldn’t care less about them and which parent is only present and providing for them the bare minimum required by the law.
Your kids, your close friends, your loved ones… those are the opinions that matter.
Here’s my take on this.
1. He sold out his family for a woman with millions. That makes him a scumbag. Until the day he dies.
2. New wife has his balls on a platter … Wouldn’t even let him have his kids at the wedding. Total denial of reality.
3. Hope he enjoys being pussy-whipped because she’s wearing the pants in the family.
4. Money does not buy happiness. Been there. All it does is alter the balance of power.
5. Freedom from control = priceless.
Hope he enjoys his gilded cage. When she tires of him, or when he is old and reviews his life, the travesty he has committed will haunt him. Have no doubt. Because when he becomes a has-been, and the press no longer care, he will be an old turd in a luxury home with a bitchy, controlling partner.
I heard that when you marry for money you pay, and pay, and pay…
Marci–brilliant post!! Really gets to the heart of the matter.
Make no mistake, a man who is a cheater will NOT for long put up with a more powerful woman. He will cheat again to prove that nobody is the boss of him. That’s what cheating is all about.
So, for now, Super Chump, sit back, focus on living your best life with your awesome kids. And remember that the higher they rise, the harder they will fall. This understanding brought me a great deal of comfort when I was struggling with loneliness, knowing that the the Coward and the Twat Troll were relishing each other and all the trappings of a new life together in their home and on their vacations, etc. I thought, “Let it go, let them soar to new heights, because when they fall, it will hurt as badly as I hurt–worse, because it will have been of their own making.”
Guilded cage, indeed. I love it, Marci!
The rejection of being left is such a painful thing to work through. And I can’t even imagine how hard it must be when the cheater ex is a public figure and you can’t avoid being exposed to “news” about the couple. They sound awful.
But as far as the rejection goes, I think it takes time. I spent a long, long time with the refrain going through my head, “I am someone whose husband leaves her for another woman.” With time I finally reframed it to, “I am someone surviving her husband leaving her.” And now, there is no refrain running through my head. It is mostly in the rear-view mirror, though I do still wonder how all this happened and my life went so differently from how I thought it would.
Time. Time helps with the rejection. And I know I so treasured any compliment or other encouragement from friends (or whoever), especially in the early months. (And of course, I still do!) But at that time it was like a lifeline to have some encouragement of my worth and value. I copied the encouraging statements into a Word document to reread as I was trying to survive the worst times, and that really helped me.
And I tried to remind myself that the outside appearance doesn’t reflect what’s actually going on. This was hard to remember because I could imagine was how happy the cheaters were together while I felt like I was dying in grief. But in the over two years since dday, I have had it come back to me in various ways multiple times that things are not happily-ever-after in twu wuv land. They really do suck.
NorthernLight, I also kept a document with uplifting quotes that I read whenever I needed a boost. It’s something I continue to do. I’ve heard of counselors suggesting to make a scrapbook of happy pictures you cut out of magazines, quotes, whatever cheers you up and reflects the new life you’d like to build.
NorthernLight, thank you for sharing your pain and how you are moving out from under it. What you said is just how I described myself this past year since D-Day, “a woman who was dumped by her husband for another woman.” It’s time for me to adopt your next refrain, “I am someone surviving her husband leaving her.” Thank you so much for that, it is just what I needed at this time. I too collect quotes, like you and Lyn and so many others. My current one is, “So far you’ve survived 100% of your worst days. You’re doing great!”
Fifi, I love your quote! I will have to remember that! And good luck on this new stage of rebuilding. In my second year after dday I decided to try out a new hobby (I decided that I’d survived about the worst already, so decided I could survive “failing” a new hobby, if that happened)…and I loved it and it’s become a big part of my new life. I hope this next year brings you more encouragement and peace and new joys.
I target shoot to relax among other things I do. I use outline targets thinking about using some printed out faces. Good fun. Harmless. This year third Xmas totally alone. Kids live out of state, getting a cross bow and learning to become as good a shot as Daryl Dixon. Good times.
Great idea, NorthernLight, the new hobby thing! I took up jogging a few months ago and my first 5K is a week from Sunday. Kar marie, a gun sits unloaded in the back of my closet, a relic from my marriage to a man who enjoyed shooting. He used to set up everything for me and then I’d do the targets, which I actually enjoyed, sort of a zen thing. Maybe it’s time to find a range near where I now live that offers beginner/safety lessons. I’m impressed by the crossbow, how medieval! I’m Googling Daryl Dixon right now. You ladies rock.
OMG I just figured out who Daryl Dixon is!! I’ve never seen TWD, now I want to!
I’ve all asswipes guns. They are now mine. I load them and have a blast. I like the challenge. The crossbow intrigues me. Can’t wait. Google Daryl Dixon . yum.
Fifi, in time you will define yourself as “I am someone who was given the gift of a cheater-free life.”
Hey, I like that! Thanks, Uniquelyme!
I think It must have been horrible what Jennifer Aniston went through coupled with the insatiable nonstop tabloid media bearing down on her for years on end. It’s everywhere; supermarket, TV, internet, tweets…
But I also think Jen came out on top. Look at how she handled herself – low profile, no contact with the media, quietly got on with her life, career, and managed to pull off a secret wedding.
Jen’s a smart gal and I think whoever her publicist is, is pure gold. That’s where I’d be investing my money if my circumstances were high profile. Does anyone look at Pitt-Jolie and think total respect?
Celebrities, politicians, high profile cases have the extra layer of fame, infamy, money and power gone global. I think the TV show Scandal does reflect aspects of the adrenaline fueled pace and drama of certain professions and mega lifestyles. -That’s where the spin doctors / gladiators come in handy :).
In my thankfully small circumstances, all the players, two betrayed spouses, two APs, are known among a circle of friends, family, & community. Does anyone think any less of me, or that I am a loser? -No way. That feeling is strictly self imposed when I am not trusting the universe. Those bad days are inescapably par for the course. But, fortunately they are lessening with time.
Perhaps your Ex’s 13% time with your kids is a major blessing right now, too. In the face of the blows you were dealt – it is the gift of more time for you to regroup with your children.
Super Chump, I am so sorry you have to be exposed to their continued “fabulousness”. We never gain anything if we compare our insides with other people’s outsides. Continue to focus on your fabulousness (the authentic kind). Your ex and his wife seem to want the world to know how great their life is. It sounds like they want to convince themselves by telling everyone else how happy they are. People who are truly happy don’t need to tell anyone else they’re happy, except the people who matter in their lives.
They’re obviously on the hedonic treadmill which is the tendency of a person to remain at a relatively stable level of happiness despite a change in fortune or the achievement of major goals. According to the hedonic treadmill, as a person makes more money, expectations and desires rise in tandem, which results in no permanent gain in happiness (source: Investopia). That’s why they keep on needing more and more and more and more.
This brings to mind something I read years and years ago–a true story. A man who writes self-help books told his wife he wanted a divorce RIGHT BEFORE they were scheduled to go on stage and speak about how to improve your life. The wife (who should have said ‘go out there alone, you creep!’) was shell-shocked and went on stage with him to do the seminar. After the seminar he left her. Fast forward a few years and I see this man listed as an authority on divorce busting websites. I laugh to myself hahahahaha every time I see his name. So rest assured that the whole world does not think your ex has the perfect life. There are probably people in the background going hahahaha when they read his name.
SuperChump, On a small level, I understand. My cheater husband of almost 18 years is a local “hot shot” doctor who has a great reputation as the go to guy for his particular specialty. Not such a great bedside manner, though…and obviously…a horrible husband and father! He is driven by money, greed, and as many kibbles as he can find from outside our marriage. Lots and lots of them. I have to drive by a huge billboard with his smiling face advertising his latest and greatest fancy schmancy surgical procedure. I have to drive by daily the new building that is almost completed that will be his new medical practice. He is building his “dream” house without me, dangling it as a carrot in front of me as I look at simple rentals. Waiting for our current house to sell. I can’t say it isn’t hard to see him thrive and succeed, seemingly getting away with everything while I struggle with 99% of the parenting, working full time and real life. He uses his family (me and our three daughters) as props at work…pictures of the happy “beautiful” family, looks like we are damn near perfect. Yet, out he steps into the dark deviant night to hook up with trash, over and over.
It has been a relief without him in the house the past four months, but it has also been hell. Traded one set of problems for another in some ways. At least I have a decent job, nothing to buy me too many sparkly things but I don’t need that anymore. I would gladly trade the world of money for the world of peace ,safety,and tranquility. Doesn’t mean it is easy, though. I am glad I can support myself and my three girls (he has to help of course, too…haven’t reached final settlement yet). We will be OK. In my case, my girls don’t want much to do with him. The almost 3 year old still does, but as they get older, they catch onto his disconnected, detached, selfish ways. My 14 and 12 year old want nothing to do with him.
I feel of you. When I even hear anybody mention something positive about my STBXH cheater…it gives me a terrible pit and sadness. I just want to hear negative or nothing at all. I know, childish. If I had to hear the kind of stuff you must hear…wow…I would have a hard time, too.
Hang in there! CN has helped me so much, but I am relatively new here.
I haven’t read all the posts yet, but I look forward to settling down in bed. It’s my nightly book to read all the posts.
Meanwhile, SuperChump – it reminds me of my life. Not sure how your X found this woman or where she got her money (earned by herself?) – but I am interested to know if she made it the Noble Way. From scratch. Like we did for 35 yrs. Yanno – starting out in the little canoe…progressing to motorboat…and then onto a yacht, then a bigger yacht, and by that time….he pulled the plug on the Big Yacht at the end.
It IS true. When you divorce, you are 1/2 less financially well-off.
(So sorry you only got 2% of his income! Can you take him back to court?)
That shocked me because I thought we were a bit immune from losing money?
This guy was a huge bond-trader. Bull market lasted exactly 33 yrs – the length of our marriage.
(since it’s crashed, I’m sure he’s sweating to write a check for my monthly spousal support…he used to sweat when the market was good)
I traded export lumber and he wanted me to become a STHW (no kids) even tho I made excellent money. Yeah, hard decision, losing all my contacts and friends from work, but hey – support to hubster!. But, when he makes more on one trade in a day than I made in 6 months, it seemed obvious not to pay the income taxes on another income from me.
We both came from lower-class farm families, with very similar ethics and upbringing.
Making a lot of money suddenly changes things.
People look at you different.
He had to have the biggest house in town.
Best sports car.
(I drove a VW and still do)
Had to be biggest fish in our small aquarium here of a fishing village.
I was NEVER comfortable with such a big house.
As it turned out…he found his little spaces to escape…and I found mine.
When you have room to roam – which is what he wanted…suddenly you don’t find each other.
I find this little ‘palace’ a house of horrors that I can’t wait to get rid of.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy the space (it works well for the dogs) and bringing up a bunch of rescue dogs and cats and me, not the animals, swimming in a lap pool everyday..which I just since shut down to save $.
It was the fact he brought HER into MY home every time I was out of town.
This house is soiled. Like a Meth Lab.
Yanno – I found her panties in my bed and wish I had of saved the pic of when I dismantled the cheap pair of Walmart, frayed, old, ‘sexy’? hah – panties and put a red embroidered crab on top of the crotch after I sliced it open, in honor of our annual seafood festival.
I posted them on his Bloomberg site, where his entire company could see it.
HA~ I said. “These are not my panties. They are from Walmart. I only buy French Imports”
All his fellow traders could see it at 4am. lol
He blocked me from his work mail after that.
SheChump, you are awesome… You could market those crab panties….let us know when you go into production….I have someone I’d like to gift….
Shechump – posting a picture of OW doctored up Walmart crab panties on his Bloomberg site is pretty priceless… High five to you!
Hey – not sure how many frayed ones like that I could find, Hanecita – but, I agree – it would make a great coffee-table book. If you have any to donate, I can get all the red embroidered crabs from our Festival every year. Happy to send them to you. (I wasn’t very creative until then)
Who the fuck cares what media are saying? They are scum of the earth – just like your cheater and Scrooge McSlut. This is why social media is a crock of shit – people adhering to mindsets just because ‘someone else said so’. If scum wants to proclaim it as ‘the love like none other’ they are fucked in the head and they should be beneath your notice. If you distance yourself from that garbage – you’ll find your life is far better and less stressful.
No amount of money buys self respect or decency.
With their shit character – they have no boundaries or impulse control – so their money will dry up pretty quickly. Either that, or they’ll gain a lot of enemies.
Two more thoughts on this:
1) There’s no pecking code respected for the damned. None of their material success will mean jack shit on their deathbeds, apart from more comfortable sheets.
2) They have zero integrity, and even less dignity. They probably believe that by trumpeting their faux fabulousness, they can at least rib other people like you of your dignity to make themselves feel better. But they’re wrong, because you’re mighty and no doucheblossom could ever take an ounce of your dignity away!
What you dont know is what goes on behind closed doors….. doubtful they are the happy couple. If money is that important, you are better off without them. Money can add some security and other things but if it is your god it will leave you empty and unhappy.
“The constant media about their fabulous life (which I have actually asked him to put a stop to, to no avail)”
Don’t kid yourself. He likes that it bothers you. Stop asking him to stop. It’s a form of kibble he gets off on.
I totally agree – The fact that the publicity is upsetting is a twisted piece of the drama. I imagine it’s really hard not to feel completely run over by it but by asking ex to stop it only gives the publicity more power to the insiders. -And, maybe incentive, too… I’m thinking the OW. The ex just gets off on the attention…
SC, I’m so sorry for your experience. I really feel your pain. I understand you have an additional burden of constantly being reminded of your experience whenever you see or hear something glorified in the media. It just sucks. And it will for a while – but nothing lasts forever. Us that have been betrayed by an affair have been violated in a major way. Seeing the violator appear to live “happily ever after” with mistress feels like a DOUBLE violation, for sure! I found out about ex’s 4+ year affair earlier this year so can tremendously relate to the hurt, betrayal, and subsequent challenges of co-pareting. A few things I want to share from my experience:
-Cheaters are GREAT pretenders! DO NOT FORGET THIS in your journey as you heal. This is how they are able to get away with the affair in the first place — by being a good actor/liar/manipulator/storyteller. This is also how they were able to mask their level of disengagement and disinvestment in the marriage, allowing the affair to ensue without any WARNING to the spouse. It was painful for me to hear how nonchalant, and at times, JOVIAL, my ex sounded when he spoke with our son every night over Skype. Seemed like he was moving on without any consequence or retribution for his actions. It seriously had me questioning the laws of karma. Well, throughout the painful experience, I discovered, unbeknownst to him, he’d been denied, numerous times, from landlords in seeking another place to live and from creditors in trying to refinance his debts. His financial world and security was falling apart behind the scenes. But yet, he SOUNDED jovial! When I found out about affair, I left marital home, leaving him in financial disarray (i was the bread winner). He VALUED his credit score, which has plummeted from 800+ earlier this year to below 700. For him, a narcissist, this is HELL! And he is suffering – but is able to hide it with the same characteristics that allowed the affair to ensue – being a good actor/liar/manipulator/storyteller. I am here to tell you, your ex is SUFFERING, you just may not see it, or may ever know about it! He has NO NARCISSISTIC INCENTIVE in letting you see his suffering and will hide it at all costs! NO ONE escapes the laws of karma and the effects of their poor choices and crappy decisions! NO ONE! It’s just one of those universal laws — like gravity — just because you didn’t see the apple fall off the tree on the other side of the world doesn’t mean it didn’t fall. You have to trust in the laws of the universe. He will get his.
-Try to sit with the pain, hurt, and grief – and do not to “distract” yourself for feeling these UNPLEASANT experiences. You will survive them because YOU ARE STRONG (how else could you possibly be raising 4 children solo?). This is the ONLY WAY through it! Warning – IT WILL FEEL CRAPPY, possibly for for a loooong time – days/weeks/months. And that’s OK. It’s suppose to feel crappy because YOU HAVE BEEN VIOLATED. But on the other side, PEACE and ACCEPTANCE awaits you and YOU DESERVE THIS!
-“Rising Strong” by Brene Brown says this about resilience: “The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories….but our wholeness – even our wholeheartedness – actually depends on the integration of all our experiences, including the falls.”
SC, Life is presenting you with INCREDIBLE challenges; I believe by finding something positive in this difficult experience that otherwise would not have come to be (possibly that your children is now receiving more exposure to YOU, a person capable of modeling compassion, ethics, and integrity), and integrating this going forward– will RESULT in GREAT things for YOU. Be patient – it’s coming. And likely — when you least expect it! This seems to be the rhythm of life.
All the best to you – great things await! STAY STRONG.
Resilient, thank you for mentioning Rising Strong. I didn’t know Brené Brown had come out with a new book, and this one sounds excellent.
“Try to sit with the pain, hurt, and grief – and do not to “distract” yourself for feeling these UNPLEASANT experiences.”
Resilient – ^^^ Very wise words on “the rhythm of life” and a beautiful post.
I wouldn’t be surprised if those two actually hate each other’s guts. If they had any guts.