I am a chump. About 3 months ago I got into a fight with my wife and during the course of it she said she didn’t love me anymore, that she had an affair, was pregnant with the other man’s child (we have 3 of our own), and wanted a divorce (after hearing all that I didn’t just want one I demanded one). All the paperwork has been filed, just waiting for the court date now.
She left the state to move back with her family, I have the kids, but it will be 50/50 when and if she ever moves back to the state. She has never admitted fault or shown true remorse. Moreover, she blames me for the affair, I think this is a true case of an exit affair. Sure she has said she was sorry, but it is always hollow and in response to when I have found out something new. She has never told me the full truth of what happened, how long or with who she cheated with. As a result I have been tested for my own health and thank God came up clean. When she left she only packed some clothes, so I have been packing all her stuff and the stuff we agreed to split up. In doing so, I dug up a phone number and a first name. I confronted her with that and she still wouldn’t tell me anything.
Then a few weeks later she texted me that he wanted nothing to do with the baby, and I should stop searching. BULLSHIT! I never did stop searching, and while packing some more stuff I found her old phone, (we both upgraded phones about a month before this all started), and I found a few texts from her lover, but one made no sense at all. Then when I checked her other texts, I found some from her boss (she just transferred to another store in a different state). She had been asking him some work-related questions and the last one of the night wasn’t answered. Except that it was by her lover. Twenty minutes after she had asked her boss a specific question regarding numbers for the week, her lover answered that question with the numbers. Had my aha moment — it was her boss. He had a prepaid phone or something and she put that into her phone under a fake name.
Karma has struck both of them very fast — she got pregnant and now he is being investigated by the store for threatening to fire an employee (a friend of hers) if she didn’t sleep with him. I emailed their HR department and told them what was going on, but the latest word is he is now being investigated for two separate incidents and is going to be fired after he gets back from his vacation. He is probably over with my soon-to-be-ex-wife right now. Happened much quicker than I expected, and is making me quite happy. They made a deal with the devil, and now he is collecting.
My question is, I want the both of them to know that I know the truth. I want them to squirm. I know I should wait until the divorce is final so that I have less of a worry with anything to do with my kids. How should I go about informing them? After all the lies, smoke and mirrors, and deception I want to do it in the most devastating way possible and I don’t care if I get a response from either of them. Just want them to know that I figured it out.
I’m so sorry you got chumped. Take a deep breath and think this through. She abandoned you and the kids. She’s in another state. Legally, you’re in the best possible position you can be — in possession of your kids. Don’t fuck that up with some revenge scenario of watching them squirm. (And hey, if you’re going to have a revenge fantasy at least liven it up with fire ants and vats of honey or something…) Anyway, we all understand the impulse — but don’t do it.
Telling Human Resources might not have been your smartest move right now. You do NOT want this woman unemployed before your divorce settlement. That means less child support if you get full custody and it means she’s that much more unstable, which is NOT good for your kids. However, it sounds like you told them something they already know about Douche — he’s a sexual harasser/predator in the workplace. What a charmer.
Another sticky situation — you don’t know that this kid isn’t your child. Unless you haven’t had sex since she got knocked up, there’s a chance this baby is yours. She can get a paternity test while pregnant. I’d insist on it. Also — again consult your lawyer — but if you don’t get divorced before this child is born, she could put paternity on you regardless. Please get in front of this issue now.
Let your lawyer deal with what you know about the affair. If there’s any squirming to be done, your lawyer is the person you want exposing the details. Your goal right now is to get a decent settlement. Your best chances of that are letting your cheater loon think she’s got a happy ever after with Douche. (You think they’re probably over. You don’t know that.) That means SHUT UP. Let her think she’s powerful and you don’t know her secrets. Let her think she’s winning the mindfuck.
When you’re safely, legally unshackled from her? Then by all means hint at what you know if you want.
“Say hi to Fuzzysnuggles for me!” (Or whatever her stupid pet name was for him.)
Adam, you’re only three months out from D-Day. Big picture? Look ahead toward Meh. You don’t want to give this woman and her asshole boss any more mental real estate. Who cares how you cracked the code? It could’ve been written in the sky. She played you for a chump — and you didn’t tolerate that. You want her to know you’re not a chump? “I’m divorcing your ass” communicates that sentiment quite well.
If your ex is going to squirm at anything, it’s how brilliantly you survive without her. Gain a life. Go be a sane, loving, stable father to your kids. Start that beautiful new beginning without her.