I am 33 years old and two months post-discovery of my ex-fiance’s affair, which was two months long with a sleazy girl who had nothing to lose. I discovered it through social media. My ex denied, denied, denied — poorly, he is a terrible liar — and tried to silence the affair partner and have her delete photos and tweets (she essentially documented the whole thing on Twitter w/o naming my ex — but it was obvious — and she detailed the sex things they did too).
I didn’t rage or anything; I told him to own it and tell me he was sorry; he refused, since he “couldn’t be sorry for something he didn’t do.” But he DID do it, of course. He kept saying, “You don’t have proof!” I figured it out, I was right, and he got caught. I am one thousand percent certain it happened — NO doubt– and walked away.
Still, my ex stayed denying it to anyone who would listen, and this keeps getting back to me. I’ve started avoiding social situations. (I live in a downtown scene where everyone knows each other.) It makes me feel like my head is in a blender — like he’s handing me a glass of orange juice and insisting it’s blue. Ultimately, it was this behavior that made it easy to walk away. No apology, no remorse, and fucking with my head? Screw him. The breakup has rocked our social circle and been very traumatic for me, though I know I made the right choice.
Matt DEFINITELY wants me back; he is a greedy cake-eater, and I made his life very comfortable. Thus he has been sending messages through people — he is also a coward — and every time I see one of our MANY mutual friends (he is very well-liked and the more social one), they say: “Matt says he didn’t do it.” This has happened with six or seven people. It infuriates me — the head in the blender thing again — and I don’t know what to say. I am SO SICK of hearing “Matt says he didn’t do it.” It makes me FOAM AT THE MOUTH.
I have found myself obsessively thinking of comebacks for hours. That’s why I’m writing you. I just need one line. I don’t want to be rude to the people, and I don’t want to say anything negative about Matt (it would make me look bad). I want to shut it down and not ramble on and get angry. Can you think of a good comeback? I honestly HAVE to stop obsessing over a good one… I am losing hours of my life…every day. I feel like I can’t face people until I am armed with the right words to say. Please help!
You don’t need a one-liner. You need an exit strategy from this social circle.
Matt is triangulating others with his gaslighting. When they report to you “Matt says he didn’t do it,” they’re as much as saying they don’t believe you. They Fail to Understand Your Hostility. They’re putting the onus of what Matt did on you, and your reaction to it.
Hey, you just cancel weddings for the sport of it! You must be making up some imaginary slight. Boy you’re overreacting!
These people — these Switzerland friends — have sided, they just don’t want you to think that. So they feign concern. They still associate with Matt. You’re obviously heart-broken, but they live in some alternative reality where Everything Should Just Go Back The Way It Was so they don’t have to rearrange their social calendars or reform opinions.
If they’re going to reform an opinion of anyone — it’s YOU. You’re being irrational!
No wonder you’re furious. Nothing drives a person stark raving bonkers more than having her reality denied.
One liners? I’m sure Chump Nation can come up with some for you. “Didn’t like his girlfriend.” “I prefer to marry Matt monogamously. He wasn’t on board.” Whatever.
But the big picture here is IT DOESN’T MATTER. The people who don’t have your back, who cannot be there for you in a time of great loss and heart break, ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. They’re casual acquaintances. Who cares what they think?
Hang in there, C. You lost a fuckwit and his merry band of losers. Better days ahead.