Michelle Duggar (of now-disgraced “19 Kids and Counting” fame) totally creeps me out. I don’t know if it’s the dirndl skirts, her squeaky Romper Room voice, or the 1980s crunchy hair (with 19 children, how do you find the time for so much hairspray, Michelle?)… Or maybe it’s spawning Josh Duggar? That chummy family values advocate/gay basher/child molester/Ashley Madison client?
Anyway, the whole lot of Duggars gives me the heebie-jeebies. But it wasn’t until Michelle’s marriage “advice” hit the news this week that I figured out the ick factor — she’s just like the RIC unicorns.
- Advocates one-sided, unilateral, oppressive concept of marriage? Check.
- Preaches that you can compel people into Godly behavior with your goodness? Check. (Hey, how’s that Christian retreat working for Josh?)
- Believes in marriage at whatever personal cost? Check. (Nineteen children are a JOY!)
So with that in mind, I decided to put Michelle’s recent marriage advice through the Universal Bullshit Translator.
Gala had only been married for three years, but she had very wise advice. I was about six months out from getting married, and was just all bleary eyed and in love. I couldn’t wait to be married and be called “Mrs. Jim Bob Duggar.” That was the dream of my life.
What girl doesn’t dream of being married to a helmet-haired Howdy Doody with a perpetual hard on for Jesus?
Makes the UBT bleary eyed to think of it.
She told me: “Michelle, I know you’re so excited. You’re a bride-to-be, but some day you’ll be at this point. I’ve been married three years and I’m still happily married. I have one child, we’re expecting our second and I’m big pregnant. You’ve got to remember this. Anyone can iron Jim Bob’s shirt, anybody can make lunch for him. He can get his lunch somewhere else.
You better starch that collar just right, Michelle, or Jim-Bob’s going to be hunting for baloney sandwiches at some other lunch counter.
But you are the only one who can meet that special need that he has in his life for intimacy. You’re it. You’re the only one.
Well, there’s his hand and the rest of Christendom. But yes, Michelle, you are his wife. Only you can accept the Special Mission that is Jim-Bob’s Need.
So don’t forget that, that he needs you. So when you are exhausted at the end of the day, maybe from dealing with little ones, and you fall into bed so exhausted at night, don’t forget about him because you and he are the only ones who can have that time together. No one else in the world can meet that need.”
Actually, any number of people or devices can meet that need. And as much as the UBT favors being game and giving, no loving spouse is going to force themselves on you when you’re butt-tired.
Don’t forget about him? What the fuck does that imply? His NEEDS Are The Most Important Thing. His hard on is more important than your children, your unfolded laundry, and yourself.
Hey, this isn’t patriarchy and entitlement — no, it means you’re special!
“And so be available, and not just available, but be joyfully available for him. Smile and be willing to say, ‘Yes, sweetie I am here for you,’ no matter what, even though you may be exhausted and big pregnant and you may not feel like he feels. ‘I’m still here for you and I’m going to meet that need because I know it’s a need for you.’ ”
The UBT thinks the Duggars should “joyfully” shut up.
Michelle? Whatever you’re truly feeling, be inauthentic. Stuff it down into that little corner of your soul that only Jesus understands. Plaster a smile on your face. Submit! It’s what God wants. It’s what Jim-Bob wants.
I’ve realized the sweetness of that through the years. While I am always joyfully available for him, in turn, he’ll lay down his life in any way.
Opportunities for sex? 24/7.
Opportunities for Jim-Bob to take a bullet for his family? None forthcoming as yet.
He will sit there and listen to everything I need to tell him because he knows that I’m there for him, too.
Blah, blah, blah. Jim-Bob is mentally undressing you. How about we try for #20?!
I’m meeting his needs, he’s meeting my needs.
My needs are Jim-Bob’s needs. I have no needs. Smiles!
We’re willing to be there for each other. And each one of us has different needs in a marriage relationship and that’s what’s so precious.
Jim-Bob’s hard-ons are precious. Like pretty tea-cups or Hallmark figurines or wildflowers pressed in a family Bible. I cherish every one.
I’ll share this advice with Jill so she knows that she’s got to be a wife first and then later, Lord willing, she’ll be a mother. Her responsibility before God and Derick needs to come first. It’s not just me and the Lord; it’s me and the Lord and my husband.
That’s quite a menage a trois.