Considering the appalling dreck affair partners (or their pseudonyms) write, I thought hey, Chump Nation could write its own click bait! We all know the cliches — Our Love Was Bigger Than Us Both, It Just Happened, Our Eyes Met And It Was the Aurora Borealis… All you have to do is jumble together some stock phrases, mix in some breathy Harlequin smut, add a dash of sociopathy, and voila! Cheater click bait.
Submit to YourTango. Wait for the spam comments from spell casters. Instant social media infamy!
I met my Beloved at…
a) The Xerox machine. I said, “Is that a toner cartridge or are you just happy to see me?”
b) A revival tent;
c) The Renaissance Faire “Drown a Witch” dunking booth; or
d) (He’s an avatar. We’ve never actually met.)
Our love is really special because…
a) We have matching tumors;
b) We’re both married to other people;
c) We can’t be seen together; or
d) It’s a lot like a song lyric.
Which song lyric?
a) I’m back in the saddle again/Out where a friend is a friend (Gene Autry)
b) “Oh babe, I wanna put my log in your fireplace.” (Kiss)
c) “Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double.” (The Clash); or
d) I love you You love me/We’re a happy family/With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you./Won’t you say you love me too (Barney the Dinosaur)
When he sees me, it’s like…
a) The Aurora Borealis;
b) Swells of violins;
c) Our hearts are aflutter like soul mate butterflies; or
d) “Not NOW Patricia! My wife is watching!”
We liked to meet for trysts at…
a) The Waffle House;
b) Homes with solar panels;
c) Her children’s soccer games; or
But it’s really complicated…
a) Like a geometry problem with trapezoids and shit;
b) He’s married to my sister;
c) He’s married to my sister wives; or
d) Ever since that Ashley Madison hack.
Our star-crossed love reminds me of several great works of art, such as…
a) Michelangelo’s David;
b) A Thomas Kinkaide painting with extra sparkles;
c) Damien Hirst’s shark in formaldehyde; or
d) Hello Kitty.
I’m not a bad person, I’m just broken because..
a) I was sold to an organ grinder at a tender age;
b) My mother never loved me;
c) I’ll never have granite countertops; or
d) You made me that way.
I’m not selfish, I’m…
c) Allergic; or
d) Esther Perel
We could be together forever if only…
a) Virginia didn’t have a 14-year waiting period for divorce;
b) His wife would take off his ankle bracelet monitor;
c) For that restraining order; or
d) It weren’t for you meddlesome kids!
People shouldn’t judge us because…
a) We’re all human and inherently flawed;
b) I’m impervious to shame;
c) No seriously, I’m like Kevlar; or
d) Monogamy isn’t natural.
Since having an affair I feel…
b) Closer to Jesus;
c) Closer to herpes; or
d) Divinely inspired to tell you all about it on Huffington Post.
Your turn to play!