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Write Your Own Cheater Click Bait

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clickbaitConsidering the appalling dreck affair partners (or their pseudonyms) write, I thought hey, Chump Nation could write its own click bait! We all know the cliches — Our Love Was Bigger Than Us Both, It Just Happened, Our Eyes Met And It Was the Aurora Borealis… All you have to do is jumble together some stock phrases, mix in some breathy Harlequin smut, add a dash of sociopathy, and voila! Cheater click bait.

Submit to YourTango. Wait for the spam comments from spell casters. Instant social media infamy!

Let’s play!

I met my Beloved at…

a) The Xerox machine. I said, “Is that a toner cartridge or are you just happy to see me?”

b) A revival tent;

c) The Renaissance Faire “Drown a Witch” dunking booth; or

d) (He’s an avatar. We’ve never actually met.)

Our love is really special because…

a) We have matching tumors;

b) We’re both married to other people;

c) We can’t be seen together; or

d) It’s a lot like a song lyric.

Which song lyric?

a) I’m back in the saddle again/Out where a friend is a friend (Gene Autry)

b) “Oh babe, I wanna put my log in your fireplace.” (Kiss)

c) “Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double.” (The Clash); or

d) I love you You love me/We’re a happy family/With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you./Won’t you say you love me too (Barney the Dinosaur)

When he sees me, it’s like…

a) The Aurora Borealis;

b) Swells of violins;

c) Our hearts are aflutter like soul mate butterflies; or

d) “Not NOW Patricia! My wife is watching!”

We liked to meet for trysts at…

a) The Waffle House;

b) Homes with solar panels;

c) Her children’s soccer games; or

d) Jail

But it’s really complicated…

a) Like a geometry problem with trapezoids and shit;

b) He’s married to my sister;

c) He’s married to my sister wives; or

d) Ever since that Ashley Madison hack.

Our star-crossed love reminds me of several great works of art, such as…

a) Michelangelo’s David;

b) A Thomas Kinkaide painting with extra sparkles;

c) Damien Hirst’s shark in formaldehyde; or

d) Hello Kitty.

I’m not a bad person, I’m just broken because..

a) I was sold to an organ grinder at a tender age;

b) My mother never loved me;

c) I’ll never have granite countertops; or

d) You made me that way.

I’m not selfish, I’m…

a) Modern;

b) Evolved;

c) Allergic; or

d) Esther Perel

We could be together forever if only…

a) Virginia didn’t have a 14-year waiting period for divorce;

b) His wife would take off his ankle bracelet monitor;

c) For that restraining order; or

d) It weren’t for you meddlesome kids!

People shouldn’t judge us because…

a) We’re all human and inherently flawed;

b) I’m impervious to shame;

c) No seriously, I’m like Kevlar; or

d) Monogamy isn’t natural.

Since having an affair I feel…

a) Happier!

b) Closer to Jesus;

c) Closer to herpes; or

d) Divinely inspired to tell you all about it on Huffington Post.

Your turn to play! 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • She told me “Elizabeth Gilbert says to live in the moment and this moment tells me we must be together to explore our feelings. I can’t stay with my husband. I want to be with you. We’re the only real people in this world. I’ve always loved you. I gave myself permission to be with you….I also gave myself permission to be with Michael. I’m sorry if I lied to you and betrayed you; I can’t change the past. We should just be friends. I don’t understand why I’m pushing you out of my life. The divine told me I’m exactly where I need to be. I know it sounds complicated but I can’t leave my husband, Steve. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I’m always here for you. Lana Del Rey would understand.”

    • oh man, lana del
      ray will always be a trigger for
      me. In the days after i kicked the cheating atsehole out, my dd was playong Lana nonstop – obviously
      her comfort music – but if
      I hear those lyrics again (Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful) I swear I will punch someone in the face.

      PS for Antipodean chumps, if
      you could cross your fingers and think of me tomorrow at 10.30, I would be very grateful for your strength. It’s
      my divorce hearing, and while I’m not at all concerned about the outcome, the thought of being in the same room as
      him is making my guts churn tonight.

      • Fingers crossed for you!!! Everything will go great! You will be surprised how ineffective his presence will be for you. And walking out of there when it’s done will be the best feeling in the world!

      • Think about an old Beatles song lyric:

        Blackbird singing in the dead of night
        Take these broken wings and learn to fly
        All your life
        You were only waiting for this moment to arise
        Blackbird singing in the dead of night
        Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
        All your life
        You were only waiting for this moment to be free

        It suits your name, and it has a soothing melody. It can be a mantra of sorts, and will calm you

        • Regina,
          Maybe I’m reading this the wrong way, but its coming across as not very nice or helpful at all in the context of Blackbird’s comment. She’s asking for good thoughts and support, but it seems you are making a weird inappropriate dig about keeping her legs crossed? Please correct me if I am mistaken!

      • Good luck Blackbird! I most certainly will be thinking of you and here to welcome you to the other side. I got nothing on the Beatles, but you go girl!

      • Good luck to you Blackbird! Just know that you will get through tomorrow and you’ll be okay. It’s just a step towards your new, authentic and happier life. Hang in there!

      • Gah! Fucking Lana Del Ray can suck it! Trigger for me too! The Ho-worker OW just loooooves her! When I was at the height of marriage police I was doing my social media stalking like a champ and one of her profile headlines started with this little Lana gem : “No moral compass pointing due north” No shit sherlock!

          • Oh yes his little 23yr old twu wuv is writing a novel, because she is just so deep I mean she did post all those Taylor Swift lyrics after all (no offense Taylor)! She also gave him a little love book of little love quotes she wrote (“bags by the door like so many times before” that was my fav) … keep in mind this was written in different colored post-its all in different colored pens! … I so wish I hadn’t burned this when I got rid of all his shit because it would be perfect for this post!

      • The Force will be with you Blackbird! And Jedi hugs will be all around you. For today go buy your favorite celebratory liquid for when you get out of the courthouse. You got this, if you haven’t seen em for a while, likely you will be amazed how little his presence moves you.

  • Someone needs to write a simple program that auto-picks these phrases and strings them together for you. Let the clickbaiting begin!

  • “Sex is not important to me. Feeling loved is. We haven’t acted on our special friendship”*

    *Disclaimer-Special Friend may already be pregnant.

      • THAT sex..yes…

        Dead H claimed he and Susan had “never had sex”, our sex life was great but he still wanted to leave for her so he told me that “sex isn’t everything” except that he had already had plenty of wild monkey sex with Susan and plenty of others by then.

      • My STBX wanted us to separate and be able to screw other people while “working on our marriage” because he needed freedom. I told him that if he wanted to screw other people we should get divorced, because I actually needed fidelity and commitment from my husband. He tried to explain that it wasn’t about sex, sex had nothing to do with it. But he just needed to feel free for a bit to figure out what he wanted, and he couldn’t feel free without being able to have sex with his new bestest friend in the whole world. Also, she was going through a hard time and really needed him. I’m pretty sure he thought I was heartless because I didn’t want to share his awesomeness with the world.

        • ” But he just needed to feel free for a bit to figure out what he wanted…

          My cheater said something to that effect. She want the same thing your husband does. They know exactly what they want. “Honey, I’m just going to sleep around for a while. Wait for me. I might be back.” Even they know that’s too crazy to say.

          • Yes and at least my STBX, was doing a sad puppy pity party. It wasn’t his fault that he felt this way he really didn’t want to feel that way. The thing he wanted most in life was “to come back and realize that he couldn’t live without me”. But how could he figure it out without sleeping with other people? I was just being irrational.

            • Once he said to me (while packing for a business trip) “we are going to have to divorce and later get back together” <—handy plan for a cheater who doesn't want to lose all his cake. And I STILL didn't get that he was a cheater…do I get an award as the most obtuse chump ever?

              • You might be in close competition with me. He would often “jokingly” say he he pays cash when he’s on business trips because credit cards cards leave a trail… what was I thinking?? I know I what I was thinking, we did make a commitment on our wedding day, I was a devoted wife and mother, took care of him, our son, our home, bills, gave him moral support over the years when he wasn’t working. He drilled it into my head almost daily he had the highest morals and integrity of anyone we know.

        • I thought my ex had the highest morals and integrity as well. Little did I realize he wasn’t the person I thought he was. I still can’t get it that he went to church with me. prayed with me and even had communion with me all the while involved with the ex co worker. Yes for 15 years they were friends then turned into something more. Then looked me in the eye when he left and said I haven’t had sex with any woman, not interested in anyone. What a liar he was. The divorce has been a year I still have a lot of pain for someone who didn’t value our marriage or vows. I try and try to let it go. I took my vows seriously and believed we would make it to the end, 33 years of marriage and it is done. Back in the single life and I have to say it is scary. after finding out about the affair his biggest defense was the “I deserve to know what it would be like to have a relationship with her.” What did I deserve a cheating husband?? I pray that they deserve misery and unhappiness for all the pain they have cause.

          • Oh wow, Hanginginthere, that is so very sad. I am over a year out too and it’s still tough. And no, you did not deserve a heating husband! Honestly, never in a million years did I think cheater would cheat. He would speak out against others who did. Still trying to get through….

            • My cheater did the same thing. Use to rag on her cousin for having a husband in New York and a boyfriend in Colombia. All the while my cheater was planning to hook up with her ex behind my back. I think they talk that talk to throw us off the scent, or it’s psychopathic tell.

  • Other possible click bait titles (You’re welcome, Huff Po and Alex Alexander):

    “All I Needed to Know About Cheating I Learned in Kindergarten”
    “How My Affair Solved the Arab-Isreali Conflict”
    “I Drunk-F*cked My Assistant at a Conference in Vegas and 20 Years Later My Kids Said, ‘Thanks, Dad.'”
    “Ashley Madison Or Your Chubby Thighs: Who’s the Real Villain in Your Marriage?”
    “Is Cheating the New Pilates?”
    “My Thai Teen Prostitute Habit Made Me a Better Husband”
    “Monogamy Isn’t Natural and Neither Are Your Wife’s Expectations”
    “10 Tips to Out-Slut Your Husband’s Affair Partner and Win Back the Man of Your Dreams!”
    “New Study Shows Being Judgmental Even Worse for Your Health Than Gluten”
    “Chicken Soup for the Side-F*ck’s Soul”

    • Nomar for the win! I think you set the bar pretty high here. 🙂

      “How My Affair Solved the Arab-Isreali Conflict”

      *Only* the Arab-Israeli conflict? Hey, MY affair brought world peace!

      • Why stop at world peace?

        “How the sizzling chemistry in my affair fixed climate change”

        “My mistress’s love is so profound it reconciled relativity and quantum mechanics”

        “We bang so hard we produce Higgs Boson particles”

        I could go on all night…

    • Nomar, I think you condensed all the RIC advice to one sentence. 10 Ways to Out Slut Your Husband’s Affair Partner and Win Him Back.

      Who wants to though ?

    • “I Drunk-F*cked My Assistant at a Conference in Vegas and 20 Years Later My Kids Said, ‘Thanks, Dad.’”
      “Ashley Madison Or Your Chubby Thighs: Who’s the Real Villain in Your Marriage?”

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Too funny! Nomar, you are always super witty but these are just superb.

    • Things I could see as click bait for cheaters:

      *How my affair was everyone’s fault but mine
      *How my spouse failed to realize their sole purpose in life was to make me happy (which is funny, because taking an effort to be a good spouse is not part of my purpose)
      *How I found my soulmate in my spouse’s sister/brother/best friend
      *Why you need to be a better spouse to win a cheater back
      *If you were ___________, this never would have happened
      *Why cheaters are good people and everyone else is the problem
      *Win your unfaithful spouse back by learning this amazing sex technique for only $199.95
      *Affair proof your marriage. Buy your spouse an electronic ankle bracelet.
      *How my affair made my children happier
      *For the low, low, low price of your dignity, you can save your marriage after infidelity

      Something I read in a magazine article written by a volunteer firefighter:
      *She may have had an affair with another man, but I had an affair with the firehouse.

      Silly me, I never knew firehouses had vaginas.

  • Fair warning: do NOT attempt to eat or drink while reading this post or the comments!

    – PSA from the Screen and Keyboard Protection Organization

  • “I can’t just come home I might be pregnant by him”

    “I’m not a bad person. I’m just confused I don’t know what I want.”

    “It’s not like that I was looking for closure. And then it just happened.”

    “I did it again”

  • Yeah, monogamy isn’t natural; nor are watching someone eat when you’re hungry without punching them and stealing their food, screaming whenever I don’t get what I want, or peeing on things to let others know they’re yours. That damned biology, it controls all my behavior, I am obviously utterly helpless in its clutches.

    Sheesh.

    Yet this gem is one of my top favorite posts ever! Thanks CL!

    • Pooping in a water floo that is connected to the other water floos- also not natural.

      Using a bristle brush to remove detritus from our teeth- not natural.

      Walking through Wal-Mart without shoving Hickory Farms gift boxes down one’s pants- not natural.

      Paying a portion of our salaries to care for the old and poor and ill – not natural.

      Like chosen monogamy, pretty darn civilized but not…natural.

      Aaand now I can get those creepy R Crumb Natural Man comics out of my head..

  • “I needed to see if i still had feelings for her (so the romantic cruise with her is justified).”
    “You let me fall (on another woman with my pants down)”
    “I didn’t go to see her, she came to see me, so telling you i didn’t visit her town while i was away was not a lie.”
    “i never told anyone but you ‘i love you’ (i just screw them for fun).”
    “i need affection too (i know i think foreplay is saying goodnight and getting into bed but if you just hugged me more this wouldn’t have happened).”
    “you are always picking on me ( just because the house and the cars are falling apart, we are in debt, the garage is a hoarders dream, and I don’t come home at night is not an excuse to try to hold me accountable).”

  • How Boredom and Laziness Caused Me to Meet the Girl of My Dreams

    Once upon a time, on a lonely afternoon while you were working and I had finished cruising 3 online dating sites, and watching a couple of porn flicks, I innocently went to an online chat room. Just to make friends, you know, because I was lonely. I just wasn’t interested in looking for a job (ever), I just needed some innocent fun.

    She started talking to me, and she was SO aggressive! I just didn’t know what to do. She asked me to go to a private room with her. Then she really got aggressive. I was seduced — I didn’t realize what would happen. And then, well, I couldn’t just stop talking to her after that. I had to be polite. You know my main problem is I am just too nice (to everyone else in the world but you). It would have been rude not to talk to her or to agree to meet her. When I met her in person, she really came on strong to me! What was I to do? It was supposed to just be some innocent fun . . .

  • We met in the waiting room of an std clinic.

    It was an amazing connection, our throbbing groins could not be denied. We had so much in common, his and hers genital warts, we even split the cost of antibiotics and discovered we both loved fish tacos.

    Our favourite song, our song was the Jeopardy Theme Song….and gosh we always got the answers wrong and it made us giggle, and that was another thing that proved we were soul-mates.

    We made love in a Walmart parking lot behind the garbage bins, the low lighting was romantic and after riding each other we talked about the meaning of life. I loved him so much, I was the only woman he knew where he could fart with without being judged and he thought my stutter was cute. We’d roll down the windows of his family van and hug as we aired it so his wife wouldn’t sniff us out. We both really love our kids, I liked hearing about little “Timmy”or is it “Tommy” …can’t really remember the kids name and he liked hearing about my little girl, and his nickname for her was “what’s her name”, I loved his sense of humor.

    My endless love hurt me to hurt, that hurting was hurting me and I hurt soooo much, it really, really, really, really, really hurts. I doubt anyone can hurt this much that it takes using the word “really” five times.
    in a row.

    My lover got caught, the family Van was fumigated and sold by his mean wife and my husband divorced me without fighting for me, how could he not fight for me and get custody of “what’s her name”.

    I sometimes park at that Walmart and remember those days with my soul mate. I’m still hurting really, really, really, really, really, hurting. It hurts to hear the our Jeopardy Theme Song, or a random fart, and can’t eat a fish taco without crying.

    • That’s more real than regular legal marriage? Gods ok with being married again? Like lawfully (which is still usually under God…)… Say what? Did you get a spiritual license? go to the spiritual dept of vital stats to sign the forms? Sorry, God is ok with it because he hates divorce I guess, is that the argument? Man oh man. I would love to hear the word salad that pretzels an affair while married into a biblical spiritual marriage condoned by God. Oh wow. That’s when you make them answer yes/no. Are you married- yes. Did you screw someone else- yes. Then you sinned, oh and put my heart in a meat grinder. But that’s all we need to talk about.

    • DM: “It’s not an affair. It’s a spiritual marriage.” OMG… My Cheaterpants was so Pissed when I called his relationship an Affair…Burning with Rage…if only I had known that it was a Spiritual Marriage

  • Nice, LMAO.

    Don’t forget you need to spice up your author’s by-line. It makes trying to figure out how the world somebody could post something so ridiculous that much more fun for the readers and commenters.

    “(Name of Author) is a freelance blogger and is finally free to live the life to which he/she is entitled, to break the bonds of commitment and spread his/her wings, to experience the love of more than just one person at a time, to help others understand just how terrible your spouse is when he/she doesn’t make you happy every single second of your life, and to teach others how to live the authentic lifestyle that only a true sociopath could achieve.”

    — oops, I think that authentic part was already used by some click-bait nut on HuffPo. Oh and by the way, Your Tango is the hot mess of the internet.

  • Do you really think I’m that type of guy to mess around?
    You’re my best friend.
    Wow, why did you ask me that? you sure have an imagination.
    I was in the hotel bar and noticed she had too much to drink, we started talking and I felt sorry for her so I walked her to her room, poor gal.
    We were on the treadmills next to each other and started talking, She told me she likes watching Family Guy and thinks it’s funny just like me. We have so much in common.
    I wanted something different.
    You never loved me.
    I never messed around (had sex) with anyone until I moved out.
    I’m seriously concerned about your mental health. (so concerned I’m leaving you to be with gf).
    I’m a good guy, you’re the only one I don’t get along with.
    We weren’t getting along..,
    Me and the guys were sitting at the bar and she kept coming on to me, I kept pushing her away but she wouldn’t leave me alone. I don’t know why, I wasn’t doing anything to encourage her.
    Your’e a pathological liar..

    These are just a few off the top of my head..

    • A few other gems..,

      He started spending his afternoons at the book store, because he loves books.., and they serve coffee.
      One afternoon I decide to stop by the book store and say hello, no sign of him.
      Later when I questioned him, his response, well, you must have stopped by while I stepped out to get something to eat. He couldn’t remember where.

      What?? a receipt for porn movie rentals? in my jacket pocket? from a hotel in Reno? with my name on it?? Are you sure?? I don’t know what you’re talking about…

  • I met my beloved: in a cafeteria. She had a really nice tan AND blonde hair. YOU know I’m attracted to that (why don’t YOU have a tan and blonde hair?)
    Our love is really special because: HER husband’s abusive to HER and I’m helping her with that (He gets upset when she fucks other people)
    Song lyric: “I used to love her” Guns N Roses followed by “Taste my Love” ELP
    When she sees me it’s like: ‘boing’ (brain dead, googly-eyes visual)
    We like to meet for trysts: in the backseat of my truck during the lunch hour or when you’re driving the kids to sports, making dinner for me, working, …..
    But it’s really complicated: because you know, do YOU really picture us together years from now? (SHE said our 20 yr marriage is not gonna last)
    Our star-crossed love reminds me of several great works of art such as: Paul Gauguin’s “Day of the God” (hey, that’s me on the rock y’know)
    I’m not a bad person, I’m just broken because: YOU are not allowing me to be my true self (You don’t let me fuck random people whenever I want to)
    I’m not selfish, I’m: misunderstood (SHE listens to me)
    We could be together if only: You’d realize that 20 years of marriage and children are something you’re gonna have to deal with (because I’m walking outta here to my new life without looking back)
    People shouldn’t judge us because: They don’t understand (that leading responsible, accountable lives is just plain BORING)
    Since having an affair I feel: Like my old self again (Once a cheater, always a cheater – just ask my first wife – oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about her)

    • I met her in the Supermarket. Anal sex is verboten.
      She had on black leather pants so I knew she was…(into anal play, BDSM)

      Later found out he DID meet her “shopping”… while he was on a varied menu escort service site!

  • She always listened to me (because my dick was in her mouth)

    She told me we were good people (even though 7 children were dramatically affected by the neglect)

    It was fun, like a moped, until people found out. Then I was embarrassed.

    I never let her in the house. That’s gross.

    I never wanted to lose you, I just constantly did things to risk the marriage.

      • Blaming the dick isn’t fair. It’s not the penis’ fault he belongs to a douch canoe wanker narc asshole cheater. He does what he’s told. (I have to build in circular logic to all the different facets of this world because it’s a merry go round of hell)

  • One of the most pitiful things about these cheaters is how they TRULY believe that THEIR affair is ‘different.’ It really IS true love! It really ISN’T about the sex!

    It was Destiny, dammit!!

    LOL.

    Until they find out differently.

    And about 98.9% of them do find out differently.

    • Chumplady fan,
      You hit the nail on the head! Mine said, “it’s a friendship, I was lonely, I was going thur a hard time,((as I kept begging if everything was ok w him for almost 2 yrs)) it’s a mistake, I thought you loved me and our love would get us through.”

      You can’t love someone and cheat on them… doesn’t work that way…we had what I really thought was a good marriage for almost 30 yrs… how he can ever think I could make love to him ever again is beyond me…?

      • Susan – ewwwwwwwww….I never even gave that a thought after I found out he cheated.
        Since it never crossed my mind, and his mouth seemed like it was full of disease, so I wouldn’t kiss him on the lips…I guess – if you can’t do the lips, you can’t do the dick.

  • You forced me to be monogamous. I suffered so much.

    I didn’t have sex with her, therefore it wasn’t cheating.

    I don’t like that you see me differently now.

    • ^^^^ wth is it with that. Not having sex isn’t a line! It doesn’t save you from being a bad person.

  • “She is not a whore”
    …touting her wealth….

    The immortal words of Mark Sanford from his former spouse’s book, Staying True. There are a number of cliched gems in there spouted by his cheater self. I heard similar from cheater. In additions to OW’s wealth, she apparently had impeccable lineage. I was so relieved….

  • Great list!
    I might add to the Cheater line, ‘I’m not bad; I’m just broken because my mother never loved me,’ ‘and according to my (quack) psychologist, who has not treated you, you have Family of Origin issues (which led to the demise of our marriage).’ Add to Cheater’s line, ‘OK, I did wrong–but so did you! I may have stolen money, committed perjury, etc., but I’m sure (in my imagination) that you did, too (so it’s time to own what you, Chump, did to make me do awful things). Plus, you’re a bad mommy because, unlike me, you don’t give our kids enough chores.’

  • “To the Wife of My Married Lover: This Will Help You Understand Our Special Love” – by Velvet Peeburns (UTIs are a bitch!)

    “I wasn’t looking for an affair. I was just feeling empty (of strange cock), dissatisfied (with my husband’s cock) and restless (like the leg syndrome, you know?). As I was leaving the unisex bathroom at work (shouldn’t have had that Taco Bell), I literally fell into your husband’s arms (it was kismet because his hands were free and he has that cute way of constantly playing pocket pool!). Our eyes met and I saw the Aurora Borealis in his (I know you think he’s a Roaring Bore-Ealis.). I felt weak in the knees (and was itching to get on them, if you know what I mean) as I stuttered a shy “Excuse me” (I really am shy around men, except in the months with the letter A in them. Oh, and the letter E. Sometimes even Y.). ”

    “He smiled at me one of his special smiles (did you ever notice the blank look in his eyes when he smiles? Dreamy!). At that moment I knew my heart was his (as well as my snatch, my dick holster of a mouth and, um, everything else). From that day forward we couldn’t stay away from each other if we tried (with the exception of holidays, family birthdays and vacations). We were caught up in the swirling winds of love (a bit like a shit storm, no?). We expressed our undying, undeniable love for one another (usually through texts and secret email accounts because you were ALWAYS around. So inconsiderate of you.)”.

    “I hope you realize I never meant to hurt you (by banging your husband and blowing him in parking lots), it was just my overwhelming need for him (and my need to drive your Mercedes, and to live in your house, and to wear cashmere.) (Oh, and to get away from my low income earning public servant of a husband.) Yes, it was my overwhelming need for him (and to be a side piece) that kept me at his beck and call. I never meant to hurt your children, either. But children are resilient and I know that because I’ve read in on every Other Woman blog I’ve seen (that isn’t just self-serving rhetoric.). I know my children will be fine. I’ve raised them and they don’t need me anymore (the youngest is 9-years-old, for god’s sake. Don’t know why he wants me to do his laundry, make his dinner, etc. why doesn’t he have a job yet!?!)”

    “You must understand the depth of our love and how consumed we are with each other (and ourselves). Your marriage and the years you’ve shared together mean nothing in the face of our special, sparkly, fairies-farting-glitter love. I know that he’s betrayed you, treated you like yesterday’s garbage, stolen your youth and otherwise has been a complete shitbag to you and your children, but that WILL NOT HAPPEN TO US (at least not while I’m telling him how wonderful he is. And giving up any sense of self to serve his overweening ego.). I am prepared to be the woman that he needs (until his narcissism comes into full view like a scud missile) and we will live this . . . this . . . Special Love (sorry, adjectives are not my strong suit) for eternity. Maybe even longer.”

    “I hope this helps you understand our . . . Special Love (damn!) and it will impel you to move on with your life alone. It’s the only decent thing for you to do (and it’s about time). I think we could become the best of friends one day (as long as you do what you’re told) and could even have thanksgiving together (as long as you do all the cooking.). Then we can sit and laugh and share and wonder where my Special Love has disappeared to with his cell phone.”

    • Special love, isn’t that romantic? We have so much in common, she runs marathons and participates in triathlons, he loves to run so they can run together as a couple and enter marathons and triathlons together. We were married 20 years, have a child together, have gone through many moves, job loses and life in 20 years. Yet he and the OW have so much more in common. These idiots are like teenagers in love, thinking this stage of their relationship will last. Over the years she will always have a huge smile on her face every time he walks into the room, and he will look back at her adoringly. He said leaving me was the best decision he ever made, When he said those words I was devastated and heartbroken. Now that some time has elapsed and I’m thinking more clearly, it was more of the best decision for me. He told me his integrity was impeccable and he hasn’t done anything wrong.. My only regret is that I didn’t leave him sooner.

    • Yes oh yes, whore just wanted me gone to just take over my life, asswipe, house, dog, children, she wanted my classic car and my tiny bit of jewelry! Im getting classic car, race car, house, alimony, kids, dogs, in divorce. House will be sold his business which is here can go up her you know what. He’s losing his business because if him and especially her. Gathered up photos for my daughter, burned the rest, he gets no memories for a life he just threw away! Is pissed, what can he do? Scream yell threaten, not afraid of him anymore. Oh you lost your business poor sausage, oh she ran your credit our credit cards up cause she a spending whore too. Should have saved more money to buy him. I threatened a forensic inquest on his and her finances. Over 30,000 she ran up in six months was paying the minimum each month. And neither one can prove she paid any of it back!!! Hahahahaha! She makes four times the money he does. He will or they will pay all credit cards off or I will bring that thirty thousand to the front and he will owe me that too not to mention I would bring her and her slutty family and all her finances into the court. Go ahead and try me mother fucker!

  • My cheaters side of the story: but I asked for a divorce before I met her at the roller rink. (Correction: upon investigation, I have proof he was “skating” his way into her heart (A.K.A her pants, for an entire year prior…A.K.A 1st big lie on his part) & I fell for it, even bidding on faster skates for him on E-bay, since he said I’m so good at bidding.
    I didn’t know I could love anyone as much as I love her. More than our 38 years together, more than our 4 wonderful grown children & 5 beautiful grandchildren. (The youngest grandson was 3 weeks old when rollerdick dropped the 1st bomb…. How sick is that?)Oh, and let’s not forget I love her more than our business we built together for the past 30 years….that can go to hell now too. I have my roller skating whore to take care of me.
    Worst of all… You can’t shuffle skate to live organ music like she can. (Hell, I can’t skate at all…. my bad!!!!)
    What kind of wife & mother & grandmother, office manager, bookkeeper am I, if I can’t even roller skate with my, wandering dick of a husband????

    • The kind of wife that kicks ass and doesn’t skate off a cliff and will be so much happier without a dick on roller skates! Jedi hugs, go ninja Jedi on him, time for you to roll on without that dickskate!

  • Can we not with the herpes jokes? I know it’s an easy target but as a betrayed spouse with it it can be hard to see it as the butt of jokes.

    • I disagree. I’m an unhappy member of the gift that keeps of giving club. It wasn’t my choice nor was my abnormal pap nor is my annual STD panel for another yr or so.

      Here’s my story title, Don’t Worry! She’s “clean”!!!! – yo douchebag, which one?

      So I think all references to this crap should be included. There are members on this board who are in treatment for cervical cancer, etc.. Our lives have been put at risk for the most selfish act possible in a marriage or committed relationship. Other than being HIV positive and screwing as many people as possible without protection, none of these acts are considered manslaughter. Asshat KNEW the MOW wasn’t “clean”. She told him. Yuck.

    • I hate the references too, herpes has a stigma associated with it and these types of jokes do play on the ” herpes = whore” stereotype. Unlike the assholes who knowingly give this shitty “gift”, honest people divulge, and it severely limits the partner pool.

    • I totally agree too. Not funny. My stbx suddenly started getting cold sores (after 15 years together) and once I learned of the affair, herpes was one of my most immediate fears. It turned out I was okay, but that was just the luck of the draw– like many of us, I was exposed to herpes by my cheater. I just happened not to contract the virus. And I get the impulse to joke about/ wish this upon out cheaters, I just think it’s super insensitive to innocent affair partners who happened to get infected by their asshole cheaters. It’s like people don’t remember that there’s probably a betrayed partner on the other side of the cheater’s herpes diagnosis. I think there’s a lot of unwarranted shame around herpes in particular and it’s only made worse by these well-intended but hurtful jokes about cheater herpes.

  • His excuses (when outed on d-day):

    “Why can’t I have a friend”

    “She was lonely after she cancelled her wedding, and I sat in the seat next to her at the call centre”

    “She thought I was a generous, caring guy when I brought in your glossy magazines for her to read”

    “She lets me smoke all I want in her apartment”

    “We both love candy floss and butlins holiday camps”

    Her excuses:

    “He said I could have half your house when you guys split”

    “He made me feel better by bringing me to sleep in your bed while you were away”

    “He said I could take some of your clothes because you have lots anyway and wouldn’t miss a few things”

    “We would have sex at my place after work, then he would walk down to the corner to meet you for dinner. I wanted to come along but he said that wasn’t a good idea”.

    “My bed wasn’t big enough for him to sleep over”

    “We made rent by selling my naked pics on the internet. He is a great photographer” (would need a wide angle lens for her)

    • “We had sex in hotels and her grandmother’s house”

      “We had a threesome in Atlantic City at a business conference”

      “We had a threesome in New York at a business conference”

      “I do love you, I did love you, but now I think I love her more”

      “I never told you because i just always thought we’d be together.”

      “I don’t remember how long ago I started the affairs.”

      “It took a lot of alcohol”

      “I thought you knew because we have not had sex in almost a year”

      “Her husband should have told you the DNA tests showed that their youngest son is NOT mine, so why don’t I get to be angry now?”

      “There is no reason that would make sense now”

      “They’re all lying when they say I told them we were splitting up because you have mental problems and are an alcoholic.”

      “I’m tired of lying”

  • “You’d really like her if you met her!” “She is the BEST customer service Kroger’s EVER had!”

    “So I had AN (…more like MANY) affair! So WHAT! EVERYONE DOES IT!”

    “I’m late cause I stopped off to GET SOME (demonstrated with forward hip thrusts!) before I came home!”

    UGH!

    • Jeep – “I’m late cause I stopped off to GET SOME (demonstrated with forward hip thrusts!) before I came home!”

      UGH is right. That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve heard all day.

      Let’s just shove this straight into your face. barf

  • My Affair Was Hard-wired: Why Monogamy is Unnatural in the Tech Field.–It’s impossible to be monogamous when your job requires you to work with women while you’re running new data lines.

    Disruptive Technology/Disruptive Relationships: Maintaining that Special Relationship via Social Media.–Truly deep conversations occur when you sext, text, and “like” each other’s Facebook posts..

    It’s not a sin. Jesus told us to love one another as He loves us.–Full text on OW’s FB page: To those pointing fingers at other people’s sins, remember that Jesus told us to love one another as He loves us. That’s totally why I’m fucking someone else’s husband.

  • “I’m still a man of integrity” (seriously? WTF! Is this an urban dictionary definition?)
    “I made a mistake” (screwing a married, w/kids Ho-worker for 4 years over and over and over. Yea, of course. Whoops!)
    “I never wanted to leave you” (I loved my cake on the side and didn’t want my reputation to be ruined.)
    “I cheated on you, not our kids” (Oh, that’s right. Creating “work trips” to be away from your family is totally not cheating your kids)
    “It just happened” (It was like the stars aligned and my junk was meant for her trash can. True love).
    “We never were going to last any way. Our marriage was always volatile” (You got that right. I was RAGING PISSED when I was being emotionally ignored for years while my husband lead a double life. My apologies)
    “I was authentic when I was with you” (I was just texting/sexting, whatsapp-ing and wickr-ing nudes with my Ho-worker to be real with you.)
    “I don’t believe in marriage” (Of course not, being faithful is difficult and inhuman. Oh, the suffering you endured!)
    “I love my kids more than anything” (Especially while I was in hotel rooms doing the unmentionable with someone else’s mom. That definitely proves my love)
    “Get a grip, I didn’t give you any STDs. She’s clean, she just had her check up” (Oh, Duh. She’s clean. Has integrity like you, right?)
    “You need to own your part of this affair” (Excuse me? Oh, I apologize for holding that imaginary gun to your head and forcing you to f*ck your co-worker. I admit, I was really bored and thought…god, it would be fun to bring in a mistress. I’d love to be a heaping mess of brokenness and heartache. Have my marriage implode and my kids living in a ping pong world. Cool. Thx).
    “I will always love you” (Because you allowed me to mindfuck you for years. You supported all my dreams. Gave up your career to be at home with our kids. All while I accidentally made a mistake and fell in love. And ultimately now I’m free of responsibilities. Living high on the hog – both literally and figuratively. I now have more income. And I’m still fucking my co-worker. Life is grand. What’s your problem?)

      • Hobomama, I’m so sorry that you are experiencing such heartache. I know how debilitating this is, how shattering it is, how it’s hard to eat, to sleep, fuck it’s just hard to breathe. I’m only 10 months out and the pain is still excruciating. I can’t really tell you how I got through those first few months. I lost so much of my life, and I’m angry and sad. Oh, so sad. I’ve only had a handful of days that I haven’t cried. I’m in counseling. Joined a support group. Gone back to school. I’m trying to acclimate to a new life. And all the injustice. It’s hard. God it’s hard. And I’m haunted by so much of his affair. I’m grieving my marriage and essentially my husband. But here’s what I can tell you, I do not EVER want to be with someone that can disrespect me in the way he has. I do NOT EVER want to allow someone to take advantage of me again in the manner in which he did. I do NOT EVER want to have someone in my life like that who shows complete disregard for my heart and health. I do not EVER want a person in my life who does not reciprocate love, honor, respect, fidelity…there is no room for someone who thinks it is ok to manipulate, lie and betray me…who makes excuses for sleeping with a married coworker for 4 FUCKING YEARS! It’s deplorable. And now that I have started to move forward with my life, I know I deserve better. YOU DESERVE BETTER. I know the pain seems unbearable. And it is. It’s the absolute worst heartache- a physical pain that is hard to articulate. Reach out to your family. Your friends. Find a counselor. And get support. Do not hide his lies. Sending you love. I hope you find some clarity in the midst of all the chaos and can do what’s in the best interest for you, tell him to GTFO.

        • Thank you so much. Your words and this site are a balm. I am so relieved to have found the safe place where I can finally tell the truth of the horrors of my marriage. I see myself in post after post and all the comments. I desperately wish I did not belong to this club but am so deeply grateful it exists.

  • Sorry for the repeating of past crazy remarks:

    Before Dday: “I am entitled to have an affair or a mistress. I need to have sex everyday (and live/work 1000 miles from home during the week) and if I don’t have sex everyday then my testosterone rises and I become aggressive at work and then I get fired. So it’s your fault, Meg, that I got fired from the last 2 jobs.” Funny thing is while he had affairs, he got fired from 8 jobs over the next 10 years. I guess someone wasn’t putting out. Or he went to work narcissistic.

    Before Dday: “I need to have passion in my life and you can’t have passion with your best friend.” Darn!

    On Dday #1: “It’s not what you think.” The affair had been going on for 3 years and he had lived with her out of state.

    When pretending to reconcile: “She’s my soulmate. I can’t believe you told other people I was having an affair. Now I can’t walk into any store without worrying someone will confront me.”

    2 months before the divorce hearing when I now know he has had multiple affairs and two long-term ones: “Meg, you’re like soap and water. OW1 was like having brake oil on my hands and I couldn’t wash it off with just soap and water [affair lasted 8 years and overlapped with a few OW]. OW2 was like Wesson Oil and she could wash the brake oil off my hands. But then I could have washed the Wesson Oil off with soap and water. And everything would have worked out fine for us.” This gem was uttered with an eager smile by a man who loved analogies and thought he could publish this one and everyone would think he was a genius.

    1 month before the divorce hearing: “You’re so judgmental. I offered to break up with OW2 but you thought I was lying.”

    • Well THAT’s a new one – comparing different fuck buddies to different kinds of OIL! At least they’re all slimy!

      Maybe someone should publish a cheater’s guide to OOP’s (Oily Other Persons) rating them from tar pit sludge through canola oil (actually canola is rapeseed oil – srsly!) to what – Oil of Olay?

      JEEZUS!

  • “How Hooters Helped Me Find My Real Soul Mate”
    By Mr. Perversa

    It was amid the sights and sounds of the novelty restaurant that I spotted her. Wearing a tank top and stretchy shorts, my goddess arrived at my table to take my order.

    “Welcome to Hooters! Would you like to start with a beverage?”

    Those were the words that poured like honey out of her beautiful mouth. That’s all could hear. Her voice. It rose above all the ambient comments nearby, such as, “Oooooh weee! Where did you get those darlin’?” Along with, “Are they real? I’m the health inspector, and I would like to do some quality control.”

    I uttered a small cough as I my hands were working discreetly under the table to remove my wedding band and retire it to my pocket, “Yes, I will start with a Slow Screw Against The Wall, and, off the menu, I’ll take the Sliders Trio.”

    Nodding in approval, she beamed as she took notes on her pad.

    I ventured a question, “May I ask, how old are you?”

    With a demure glance she replied, “I just turned 21”.

    My rapidly beating heart sunk a few levels. Much too old for my usual tastes, but I surmised that her impressive attributes could make up for that deficiency.

    When she returned with my drink, I was ready. With iPhone in hand, and a cursory glance as if to check for messages, I secretly took a silent photo of her form welling from her double-knit shirt as she bent down to place my glass on the well-positioned cocktail napkin.

    Our eyes locked for a second, but it was an eternity for me.

    I had found her. My new soul mate.

    And, unlike the dozens of others before her, this one was real. I could feel it in my – bones.

    I also knew I would have to work even harder this time to create an especially effective stratagem regarding my wife.

    Alas! I recalled the quote that had become a mantra for me: The heart wants what it wants.

    Woody Allen had it right all along.

    • Boudica – wow, you’ve got that 50 Shades author beat on a lot of fronts.
      I officially fell off my chair…and fell in love the same time….ahh~~such true love~~like a lightening bolt.
      I never read Harlequin but this sounds better written than 50 Shades!

      You got talent girl…and what a message. ugh

      (and yeah, sorry east coasters, but I’m a big Woody Allen fan)

  • Women Are Better Cheaters

    Women really are amazing creatures. Fair warning – I am a guy and, yes, I have even been called a silver fox. Sure I run and keep in shape, but I digress. My story starts when I started making some serious coin – 6 figures – and my colleagues and I were practicing the fine art of: work hard and play harder. One booze and coke-fueled night, one of my female colleagues disclosed that they all had a little something on the side — including one who was bisexual and had random encounters with other women to keep things spicy at home. Their husbands didn’t suspect a thing. The secret was twofold: 1) always have a believable cover (e.g. going out for drinks with the girls), and 2) the next morning always give him a blow-job even if you are hung-over.

    My wife and I were solid but we weren’t connecting well. Honestly, I was doing more than my part and trying to be a good guy and supportive but she was unemployed and had developed a sort of bogus funk she blamed on 9-11. (I mean, we didn’t even live in the US!) That Halloween I asked her to wear a playboy bunny costume to the office party, but she wouldn’t. I was working so hard but how could I get to the next level of my career when she had that kind of attitude. Why couldn’t she just do this one thing for me?

    When I met *Lisa* it all just happened so fast. I hadn’t planned it. She was an accomplished lawyer and had even written a book. We just really bonded. I can’t explain it. She even loved running. She was so smart. She was so uninhibited. She was so thrilled with her new condo that we screwed on every surface of her new kitchen to celebrate. She’d even surprise me with a blowjob after we played squash. She didn’t care if I was sweaty. Finally, I had met a woman that was at my level. She needed me and I needed her. Over that year, I followed the advice of my female colleagues and kept the lies believable. My wife didn’t suspect a thing. The tips they gave me worked brilliantly.

    But then things started to change. Lisa became jealous. She wanted me to leave my wife and get married. She wanted to have my babies. She wanted to have a least 3 but I was adamant that I didn’t want kids. I tried to reason with her because it is irresponsible to bring kids into this kind of world. I consulted my female colleagues and they gave me good advice: her biological clock was making her unreasonable and that I should end it and find someone new. I never felt so lonely and hurt because I couldn’t talk to my wife about this. She always had my back and gave me the best advice. I started to spend less time with Lisa so things would cool down and also took my wife out for a few more dinners with mutual friends to make sure she wasn’t feeling neglected. Then Lisa got an unbelievable job offer in another country and wanted me to come with her. I was conflicted. It would take me a least 5 years to get my business up and running again. I saw that I would loose more than I gained. In retrospect, I can see how crazy she is.

    After that, I can’t explain it but my wife and I were stronger than ever.

    — Sorry I couldn’t make it funny. It’s no Pulitzer, but darn cathartic! Thanks for the exercise CL!

    • That’s terrifyingly um… Lots of things. I don’t know how you got so inside his head without leaving a pile of brains to the side and a body in the freezer after this exercise. Scary.

      • movingforward – I had to read your post 5 times. Not sure how much was ‘story’ or how much was ‘cycisism/rhetoric – but, wow – you’re also a great writer!

        I find true stories much more interesting than fact. So, when you folks write your next books, make sure you include enough of the facts to make a really good story out of it – call it a Novel, and all the characters are different names. But, do a Coen Brothers thing and ‘say’, it’s based on a true story. That sold them Fargo. lol

        There is some really good material here.
        Did you ever read the success of the book on the ‘Midnight in the Garden of Evil’, by John Berendt. (wouldn’t bother with the movie). He wrote about his little town of Savannah and included all the residents. I could do that!
        There are so many interesting people to meet, and strange people, and nice and mean people, in this little town of 10,000.

        Oh yeah – you guys have books in your back pockets. 😉

        Thanks for the laughs – I think. I’m kind of gullible and hope some of this isn’t really REAL?

          • When you live with someone for almost 20 years you learn a few things about them.

            My EX always gave me bits of truth both about himself and about his friends.

            Yes, his female colleagues had a little something on the side. Their husbands were nice enough but they just weren’t exciting. So, what if it was a little naughty — no one is getting hurt, right?

            If this was a movie, the camera would show me paralyzed as it unfolded. Yes, I figured it out. He got craftier after that. He also got more entitled. I never trusted him again.

            In MC years later, he confessed that OW#1 ‘just happened’ and that he believed ‘we were stronger than ever’. Interestingly, he also omitted the part that he was still seeing OW#2.

            After DD2, when he was super busy with image management he told my bestie ‘he’s not a bad guy, everyone was doing it’.

            uggh…I married a fucktard.

    • Nord, I am nearly 64 years old and I remember singing this song when I was little and I mean little. The words were just words to me back then and now I understand what they mean. Some of my loveliest childhood and teenage memories have been destroyed by being a chump. Cheaters have a way of destroying everything that is good in this world if given the opportunity.

    • Nord – wow – that was great – how those words of nostalgia tells you that nothing changes over the years..
      We all have similar sad stories, whether in the 1800’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50′, these cheaters have always been there.

      I would sure love to see a remake of this song by either Sam Smith or Adele..

  • “Top five reasons I had to cheat on my chumpy wife.” By: Can’t Keep It In My Pants
    “I had to cheat on my wife because I needed hapiness, fulfilment and constant flattery that only my girlfriends could give me.” By: Cheater Pants
    “My affairs shouldn’t be held against me because I loved everyone of my affair partners and was willing to leave my wife and family for them.” By: Love Before Sex
    “How to effectively lie to your spouse and make them believe they are crazy for not believing you.” By: I Wouldn’t Lie
    “It’s ok to cheat for happiness and true love. It’s not about sex, it is about happily ever after and your wife needs to understand that and just get over it!” By: I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You
    “How to effectively use the line my marriage has been over for a long time, on the employee you are trying to sleep with.” By: Sad Sausage
    “How to make your chumpy spouse believe they are the problem and your affairs are all their fault.” By: You Drove Me To It

    I could imagine my STBX clicking on any of these articles. And here is one last title for the OW’s out there:

    “Dating a man you know is married doesn’t make you a whore, it makes you a brave pioneer for true love.” By: Don’t Care About His Family as Long as I Get What I Want

  • I met my beloved…

    At a sleezy cheap bar and grill where she was all by herself reading a book and getting drunk just waiting for something to ask her what she was reading so she could pounce.

    Seriously who does this, bitches looking for true love suckers.

    Our love is special…

    Cause I got those granny panties off as soon as I sat down

    Seriously, what a whore…. Thanks dude for the std tests I had to take at 58. Made him pay for them. Fucker.

    Which song lyric….

    Limp biskit. I’m like a motherfucking chainsaw!
    What!

    When he sees me…

    My heart is all aflutter cause I’m fucking over the lady who’s been loving him and devoted to him for 30 years isn’t it fun!!!! I’m loving his limp dicked fat bellied bald headed lying cheating ass who left his wife for me then left me for his wife and is now trying to get me back. Whoo hoo he love me so!! I’m back in junior high!!!

    Sheesh can’t wait to get away from this fuckingtteenybopper drama.

    We liked to meet for tyrsts….

    Any place his stupid fucked up wife wasn’t.

    But its really complicated…

    Cause he really won’t let go of his wife and love only me forever…. Still thinks of and wants his wife daily, has told me he will cheat on me and already has!!! Why aren’t I enough!!!!!

    Cause he’s a cheater you stupid whore!!!!

    Our star crossed love reminds me of…

    Jackson pollacks, we are so complicatedly in love and we pucked all over his marriage. Who hoo! I’m the one! I’m the one!!!

    Ugh. Barf!

    I’m not a bad person…

    I just like to destroy marriages and break up families cause its what I do!!

    And I’m not broken….

    Cause I get to fix up all these broken relationships I cause. Its who I am, he was broken I fixed him!!! Yippee look at me!! Whores unite!!

    I’m not selfish…

    I fix things to my own selfish benefit. I break, destroy lie and break up families and take him so far from his adult children and wrap him up in my world he pretty Much forgets he has kids and a sister not to mention I praise his ex wife for being a wonderful person and I am so damn sorry this happened and I secretly wish her dead.

    Why don’t you say what you really feel.

    We could be together forever….

    If only he would stop caring about his ex wife, if she died, or he wasn’t such a cheating bastard and will eventually do this to me.

    Waaaaahhhh!

    People shouldn’t judge us…

    Just because we are slime who hurt people with wild abandon on account of our true love. Who cares fuck em if they can’t take a joke.

    Hang them from the rafters I say.

    Since having an affair…..

    I feel vindicated! Yippee! I destroyed a family his kids hate me and won’t see him. I pissed off his wife and got the prize!!!

    You know, fuck these people. Tracy’s right, leave a cheater, gain a life, freedom, and my sanity back. FUCK ALL OF THEM!!!

  • “But I love you more”

    “She was a customer in another state.. at least I didn’t fuck someone in town.. I wouldn’t be so stupid to do that”

    “You didn’t wear enough jewelry so I fucked someone who did”

    “Just because I cheated once that doesn’t make me a cheater.. I painted the bathroom once .. that doesn’t make me a painter” ( idiot used this same exact line the THIRD time he was caught cheating)

    “define girlfriend”

  • She Was In The Hospital Following The Birth Of Our Daughter When I Met This Nurse, by Entitled Doctor Dude

    The pregnancy came as a surprise to both of us, (or so she claims; I still say she got herself pregnant at the time in order to trap me.) She had Shayla on a very early Thursday morning, and by Saturday, I was furniture shopping with Nurse Natalie. Unlike some who claim that these illicit relationships “just happen”, I will fully admit that I was in control every step of the way, because I am this rational, fully in charge, professional man, and I do what I want.

    I was in my second year at a prestigious medical school, and had met Natalie on my rounds in the oncology unit. It was all completely innocent, because Natalie is this naive Italian girl, from a good Catholic family, who led a sheltered life and had not a manipulative bone in her body. Nope, not a one. We began sitting together at lunch in the cafeteria, with my colleagues and hers, and I found she truly understood me, and empathized with how trapped I felt at the hands of my pregnant partner. Although as Catholic as can be, she was willing to put aside her strong convictions and agree with me that abortion would have been the best course of action. That’s how devoted this girl was!

    She took to coming over the apartment while my girl was in her town at college. Oh, Natalie had her own special chair, and bestowed upon me an adorable nickname! We would laugh and talk shop, and then, I would bring her into my bedroom, amidst the pictures of my girlfriend and me, and snuggle her beneath the afghan my partner’s great aunt had crocheted for us. My.partner had long been telling me that the apartment needed new furniture, but, Natalie thoughtfully offered to go with me and pick some out, and what better time than while my girlfriend was in a hospital fifty miles away, nursing my infant daughter? Safer that way.

    The furniture she chose can only be described as “Coal Town Italian Catholic Chic”, which is as twee and adorable as my innocent little Natalie herself!

    So, I would dutifully visit my girls in the hospital, and I even brought flowers, because I have seen it done, and I’m good at mimicking human behavior.

    Of course, the fertilizer hit the aerator when my girl came home, but,you folks will ha to wait for Part II in order to read the rest of the saga!

  • Entitled Doctor Part II:

    So, I had left off at the point my girlfriend was about to come home from the hospital. Now remember folks, this was 1982, when new mothers typically stayed several days in the hospital after giving birth. So, I had had three lovely Natalie-filled days.

    My girl and I were not really living together, for logistical reasons, such as financial aspects, commuting to our respective schools, and the fact that I was a dashing young medical student whose style would have been totally stifled by the addition of a mom and baby in my apartment. However, I dutifully collected the girls from the hospital next state over, (incidentally, it happened to be in the same town where Sweet Giggly Natalie lived with her parents, so, convenient!)

    I was hungry and wanted to make some food, so I ran inside as my partner struggled against her stitches and the wobbly feeling the painkillers gave her to bring the baby and all that stuff inside. She asked me to keep an eye on Shayla while she got her suitcase, and I said I guess so, even though I was trying to make food.

    The first thing my girl asked was where the new furniture came from. Not, “Hey Babe, can I make you lunch?” Not, “Hey Babe, how can I help minimize the impact a baby will have on YOUR life”? None of that! All she wanted to know was where the fucking furniture came from. And she would not accept a one of my flippant non-answers! I tried to say that my roommate Gino had come with me to buy it, but, unfortunately, she remembered he was in Delaware at his parent’s house for the summer.

    Life was harder after that. She kept bringing up the furniture over the next several months, and started forcing me to account for my time, more and more. By now I was called “DOCTOR!!!” at the hospital, and that was great! All my hard work and sacrifice was paying off. Partner was finishing up her last year of college and preparing to take her LSAT and apply to law school, all while tending our infant, so Natalie and I had time for relaxation.

    All was going swimmingly till one day, when my girlfriend found my itemized phone bill. Seeing the Pennsylvania exchange, and unsure who it was connected to, she called my Natalie and almost ruined her life! She actually told Natalie’s mother that her daughter was fucking an engaged man with a baby! And that just won’t do, because Natalie comes from a very old fashioned Italian family, and their daughter is presumed to be a virgin till her wedding night. Oh, how could my mean, coarse, manipulative girlfriend hurt Natalie like that?

    I told my partner, categorically, that she was never to contact Natalie again, and that Natalie was so frightened, I would have to walk her to her car every night from that point on! My girl got drunk at her sister’s graduation, first time in the ten months since the baby was born, and lit into me. I had to restrain her, and it led to her having a sprained wrist. I was thankful that the E.R. personnel knew me and would never question my version of events!

    There is a postscript I will post one day. My girl kicked me to the curb, I eventually married Ann, and although I cheat on her with about five different women at any given time, she makes even more money than I do, if that is possible, so I stay with her in order to maintain my lifestyle.

  • from the cheater

    “but you knew about my dark side, and you never wanted to see porn with me…”

    from the OW

    “We never wanted to hurt you but that is how people fall out of love these days. Its a sociological fact”

  • I Thanked My Husband’s Mistress–for showing me what a total asshole he truly is!

    The Best Woman Won–Drop-kicked my cheater into the arms of the Other Woman, and it feels great!

  • When I called whore after DDay she said, ” you sound like you need marriage counceling”. X said, ” I WISH I could do all these things with you”
    My all time favorite was in a poem he wrote to her right before her birthday vacation ( his favorite whore hotel in florida). “Sitting at the bar, married but on our own”. So fucking calculating. I was with the psycho. What a blank page.

  • I’ll play!

    I met my Beloved at…

    a) classmates.com, I told her I was married, albeit lonely and funny thing was she had a crush on me since high school even though we never spoke back then.

    Our love is really special because…

    a) we are soul mattresses, and

    d) It’s a lot like a song lyric.

    Which song lyric?

    a) Hot for Teacher! She’s a elementary school teacher in Manasshole dontcha know…My wife would never be that nice, she’s always playing that game where you shoot the cute purple Barney the Dinosaur, what a bitch!

    When she sees me, it’s like…

    a) cumming on a Festivus pole, I hate tinsel, it’s distracting

    We liked to meet for trysts at…

    a) at her house so we can decorate the Festivus pole, we can’t do it on Dec 25th, the wife might notice I was missing

    d) court, cos you know my wife was the abuser, but she must have infected me, no other reason why I would have attacked my soul mattress

    But it’s really complicated…

    a) my soul mattress isn’t as much fun without my wife around, that’s why I signed up for Ashley Madison when I moved in with her, I love how she doesn’t suspect a thing, unlike that wife person who busted my balls

    Our star-crossed love reminds me of several great works of art, such as…

    a) Dora the Explorer

    I’m not a bad person, I’m just broken because..

    a) I drank so much I never grew beyond the age of 15 and my damned wife didn’t understand me

    I’m not selfish, I’m…

    a) I’m just very depressed and my wife wont let me watch The Simpsons and every other cartoon on TV all night

    We could be together forever if only…

    a) oh wait! We ARE together forever cos my damn wife divorced me, I tried everything, I even pulled a gun on her but that bitch STILL divorced me! Shit, I need to troll AM again, leave me alone, I have a right to my privacy!

    People shouldn’t judge us because…

    a) We are both mentally ill and we are on medication, what more do people expect of us?

    Since having an affair I feel…

    a) Pissed off, damn it, elementary school teachers don’t make enough money to keep me in style and I lost my job because that bitch wife made me drink, and she won’t get rid of the protective order. And, I have a bad heart (not just metaphorically speaking…)

  • “I Had to Cheat Because My Wife Wasn’t a Runner and Wouldn’t Take a Load in the Face”

    In one thought brilliantly captures the stupidity, selfishness, and superciliousness of cheater logic.

  • “True loving relationships don’t require any *work* they just are” (unlike our marital relationship of 23+ years) BTW, he and Schmoopie are separated after less than four years of marital bliss and his continued cheating.

    “We’ve worked together so long, she can finish my sentences.” So you charmed the pants off yet another Ho-worker. Yawn.

    This one, believe it or not was actually put in a legal document: ‘I was comforting a guest who’d had too much to drink in our garage, and my wife misconstrued things’–since when does comforting involve tongues down one another’s throats, and hands down one another’s pants? And did you really have to do it on the hood of my Volvo?

    “You’re such a downer, you always are reading such depressing books.” I’m a freaking psychiatrist, you nitwit: this is called continuing education.

    “To do this (divorce) I have to hate you.” A little Axis II Narcissistic black and white thinking? Ya think?

    “I have to drink in order to stand being here.” after my discovery of Absolut bottles hidden in the oddest of places all through the house–which he tried unsuccessfully to state were mine. That was certainly something he and his f***buddy had in common.

    “I’m the one who truly runs this college and everybody knows it.” Fired from first academic VP job, I mean permitted to resign but his office was cleaned out by security and Mr. Big Guy on Campus is no longer permitted there. By some miracle after a period of unemployment, obtained another VP job at a school he’d always derided and made fun of and within a few short years was asked to *retire* at the ripe old age of 59. He now touts himself as an ‘admissions consultant’ and speaks at local high schools.

    Only problem is: how’s he going to explain to prospective parent clients when he greets them at the local Home Depot sporting a bright orange apron and asks if he can help them find anything? His hourly pay is less per hour than our 25 year old’s who’s working her way towards a PhD in psychology. (Apple:tree) Go, girl!

    • Lol; “You’re such a downer, you always are reading such depressing books.” I’m a freaking psychiatrist, you nitwit: this is called continuing education.”

      Sounds familiar, Saddam’s complaint was “you sit in front of the computer all the time, I begged you to get up out of that chair” actually he never once asked me to do that….and yeah, I telecommute and my job is IT, how the hell am I supposed to work? With tin and and string?

    • TSW. “true love relationships……” Um, yeah. No work is ever required on the part of a sparkly narc. You should always know what they want and need. It’s hilarious. The moment that x started with this line I pretty much stopped talking and started listening. And it was as hideous as I thought it would be. There were no “butterflies in the stomach” with me anymore, boohoo. He asked me if I had that kind of “love” for him, I said no and that one little word nailed my coffin. I still shake my head at this. Seriously, a 44 year old man, is sitting there telling me that he feels this for ow and that I should at least feel this for him after 22 years of mind f*ing and blameshifting. I felt like I should go out and buy him some glittery markers so he could write schmoopies name on his notebook. I apparently don’t know how to behave.

      • Y.e.s. to this! the married ho-worker who ‘completed his sentences’ thus completely understood him, their true love relationship took no work, sainted understanding wifey #2 she didn’t have any problem with his serial cheating and alcoholic level drinking would use her preteen daughters’ sparkly markers to send love notes to him. I am convinced they were placed in spots that I would find them. Unfortunately by that point, I already had most of my ducks in a row and couldn’t have cared less. I found it amusing to put them in envelopes and mail them randomly about to semi-interested parties,lol. College HR if they contained identifying information, college President who interestingly recognized handwriting, even on occasion college trustee who was familiar with the fundraising trip schmoopie was referring to and shocked and offended that 1) he was unaware of what was happening and/or 2) given schmoopie’s reputation for sexual generosity he was not invited to participate.

        Hey: she placed them through my house, so I assumed they were my property, am I wrong? Even had the soullessness to place a few in a middle schooler’s bookbag. Ick, ick.

        They both put great guilt on our daughter convincing her that she was the cause of their fast friendship since she’d really been friends first with the HOworker, as the kiddo had babysat the hideous brats–a simple review of timeline and calendars corrected that—including when married Howorker was promoted way beyond her skill level under her twu wuv’s aka my then husband’s supervision pushing out a really capable and competent worker, thus making a meteoric rise through the academic administrative ranks. She got a head start on that by f***ing her way through the lower administrative ladder until she hit upon what she believed to be her real prize, my former husband. I owe her flowers.

        All in all prolly a good thing, since it’s hard to support and pay college tuition for her two ugly stepdaughters ( just a statement of fact, I am not passing judgment in any way) for their checkered college careers just starting. Particularly when your major source of funding is a mid level academic administrative position (her) and a floor greeter at Home Depot (him) though perhaps that qualifies her homely girls for more financial aid.

        Fortunately, my daughter has a grandfather who thinks well well ahead and she’s more than adequately funded through her PhD studies: as long as her Father stays the freak out of it. That’s pretty easy to accomplish, as the advice from this so called academic expert is neither helpful nor kind

  • I met my beloved at the casino. We sat at sex and the city slot machine for hours. Our ove is really special because we were married but on our own. The band was playing psycho killer run run run run run run away. when she sees me it’s like limp dick found a cure for bedwetting, We love waterbeds and heating pads the sparks fly. we like to meet for trysts at the Howard Johnson’s near the casino now pretty much we go to my place in my small little flea infested apartment. But it’s really complicated like he’s a serial cheater sociopath and I was arrested for assault and felony drug charges after I climb through my last boyfriend’s screen and punched him in the neck three times and threw his hot coffee at his face I was also arrested for assaulting my neighbor,he was 66 and his dognshit in my yard. A few months later my son broke in my house and punched me in the face. Now he’s expecting his first child and I’ll be a grandmother. I think that’s that’s good news! I’m not broken because I have a pen penile implant and even though my erection is pencil like and a short one at that she digs that we could be together, we could be together forever, if only I could be fateful, which I struggle with.. I’ve been seeinn Joanne since before we met. she’s my dream girl too. people shouldn’t judge me because well we both kind of thought it was fun and exciting to cheat since having the affair I feel jittery I lost my supply, err, I mean family

  • My psycho finds is fbwhores friends on “business travels” to his home state up north. the whores have the “sex and the city syndrome” & f@& , dine & wine courtesy of a corporate card. Then the whore puts post about been blessed by God and having the stamp or “jesus blood” WTF ! there are more crazies outside that in a madhouse.

  • Sarbear, that was brilliant!! I almost wet my pants. Which would still have been better than getting a load all over my face. Thank you. [wipes away tears of laughter].

  • It Had Nothing To Do With You, or The Lament of a Model Husband

    I was the perfect husband. Everyone envied us! Except when they pitied me. My wife spent money on books! She bought a dog bed (for the dog I didn’t want). Talk about high maintenance! I mean, she only brought in 45% of the household income. Do the math. That is less than half. She shouldn’t have been buying herself anything!

    She also didn’t like to have threesomes. It’s not like I didn’t try to invite her in. But she was all, “I’m not attracted to women” and “our marriage is in real trouble if you want to bring other people into it.” First of all, AS IF she didn’t like pussy! She was just afraid. I told her so many times and she just wouldn’t listen. Also, I waited two whole years into the marriage before I tried to get her to come to a munch with me and find BDSM hotties. Two years! And five years of dating and engagement before that. I waited for her to evolve as long as I could. And no, it wouldn’t have been “honest” to tell her that’s what I wanted before we got married. She might not have married me, then. She really made me look good – you know, like a normal, trustworthy guy rather than the player I so clearly was without her by my side. It really helped me attract a better quality of whore.

    I often brought myself to tears imagining if anything ever happened to her. I would be destroyed, shattered. It would take me at least a couple of weeks to replace her. When she heartlessly chose to divorce me, I risked fatal dehydration with all my drama and tears. No one should be allowed to cry that much AND NOT GET WHAT THEY WANT. I was literally falling on the ground before her, bawling, and she still would not relent. I ask you, who is the heartless one here?

    I explained to her that all that other pussy HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH US OR OUR EPIC LOVE. I told her! I was the perfect husband. In front of all our friends, I mean. But that is more than good enough. A lot better than any of the other wives got, I assure you. But it was like she thought I was so disconnected from her needs (she had any?) and from her as a person (wasn’t being my adjunct enough?) that, unbelievably, our marriage wasn’t perfect. She had a lot of crazy ideas.

    I still think it’s unfair that she got to walk away. This is the only woman I ever loved. And she left me for (practically) no reason. I wanted to grow old with her. She has strong arms and could push my wheelchair after the pretty nurses. The extra income really would have helped me live in the style I deserve. We could have retired to Las Vegas where the buffets are cheap and the whores are plentiful. It was a perfect, beautiful dream. Why did she have to ruin it?

  • My husband’s ho-worker wrote a letter quoting “her favorite book” as a justification for breaking up our marriage and running a full-on marketing campaign to get him to leave his wife and two small children: “Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.”
    Barf.

    • I heard this twaddle recently read at a wedding at the insistence of the bride, who kept reminding everyone it was “her day.” I wanted to take the groom aside and tell him,”Run, Forest, run!”

  • “How to outwit your wife with hidden conditions: I said I wouldn’t have any more affairs with Texas bar whores, but prostitutes and strippers clearly
    don’t count”

  • oh no. I keep reading. I’m not sure what is true or not, if some of these awful things happened, or …gee – guess I’ve never been so confused here. Not sure who is having an affair and who is not.
    Please help us with lower IQ’s – or am I just not ‘getting this entire thread’. It’s upsetting me greatly and I want to respond to somebody that seems needs a hug, but then, they sound like the villain..
    Sorry guys. I’m just really confused.
    Long day I guess. But this one went over my head.

    Can I try one? (hope it’s on the same page)

    ‘I’m here at home, taking care of the other 3 dogs…yanno, bad shoulder and all from lifting all those weights when I was body building…I’m sore all over, hunny bunny. While you’re at the dog show 500 miles away, how about if I send all the other dogs to camp. And, my knee is hurting too…”

    Oh yes, Hunny Bunny, whatever you need to do, but what will you do for 10 days while I’m 1500 miles away at both of our family reunions. Your side and mine?

    Well, this triples the price of a dog show trip – but, oh, poor guy, take it easy, relax your joints.
    Pay for expensive camp for dogs.

    He asks, “so call me EXACTLY when you arrive at the show – I worry so much about you traveling alone….”
    And, exactly – like EXCATFUCKLY WHEN are you getting home? Yanno, I wanna cook you a nice dinner after a 10 day trip.

    Ohh..well, Call me low IQ or whatever (I’m actually not) but I feel like it looking back.
    But, when your instinct sets in, it won’t leave you.
    MY INSTINCT IS RADAR SHARP NOW! ha!!

    He was totally phony on the phone, asking how my new girl was doing at the big shows…which I could tell he cared nothing about by his voice inflection…and it lathered up my phone to the point I thought I would puke. It was so insincere..it dripped out of his mouth. He was just wanting to know when to move his alley-cat out, and HER 3 great danes, out of my house, while she lived here for 10 days – even landscaped my yard – and her dogs enjoyed MY dogs space…at the cost of my dogs having to go to camp.
    I mean, can the people we ‘love’ really DO this to us??
    Her using my bed, my kitchen, my hot tub, my DOG’s SPACE!!

    Anyway – ha – who would believe a story like that.
    But, makes a good personality description on how evil people in the ‘garden of eden’ can be.

    Not sure if princess and prince will get together in the end.

    But, end of story – maybe a sequel

    (did I play that game right?)
    .

  • What To Do When You Were A Child Bride

    I had been felling so bad about myself. I didn’t know what was wrong. I had been consistently denigrating my wife to all my friends for years, including the people I worked with. This gave me an eye opening revelation. My wife had manipulated me from the day I met her. I was so young, so naïve. Really, it didn’t matter that my mother and sisters were skanks that screwed over every guy they met. It was all those guys fault some way or another. These guys should have known what was going on , my sisters and my mother were so sparkly, what was not to like. This is the way life is.

    My ex-wife came into my life while I was feeling depressed. This is how she got to me. She made me marry her. I was so young, I didn’t know what I was getting into. I married her after being, basically, forced to marry her, she was so much older than me, four years count. I could not say no. I had to get away from my home life and there was no way that I was going to do this alone at the tender age of 21. Living alone at the age of 21 would be brutal. Who does that anyway.

    I somehow forget that I was the one that said that we should get pregnant right away after marrying. Goodness I had to pin her down somehow and I knew her FOO and I knew that if she had my child I could do whatever to her and she would not bolt. I was so naïve still. Her not so much.

    I became the “man” that she wanted. I let her believe that we would be together forever. What could go wrong? I would go on and be the “man” that I had been before meeting her. I could finally be the “man” that my mother and sisters had taught me to be. Lie and cheat, get together with them and laugh behind the SO’s back, when those pesky SO’s want reciprocity.

    For years and years I got around my wife when she asked me about one or another affair partner. I can’t believe that my wife would question my integrity, my apparent morality. How dare she. Wasn’t my play acting enough for that damn bitch of an older wife. I was so devastated. That’s when I met her. She was so vibrant, so accommodating. My old wife could never get to this vibrancy. No amount of trying on my old wife’s part could make anything better. I had found twu lurve.

    At this point I’ve been “married” for 22 years. It was pure torture, pure misery. I was so distraught by this time that when that old wife of mine asked me if those moments when my children were born, within that time of misery, were miserable, of course I told her the truth, YES. I was finally free. I was finally myself. That old wife of mine, she couldn’t understand that. She thought that asking that question over again would get a different response. I was free and I was happy to be able to enjoy my freedom. The past is the past. I finally had that “butterflies in the tummy felling”. Memories are just memories and each of us has the right to enjoy those memories exactly how we want to.

    My daughter “understands” me, obviously. She now knows that I was “forced” into this misery at the hands of a much older woman, at an incredibly young age . Really, in essence, I was a “child bride”….(child bride coined by my very perceptive daughter after hearing MY SIDE OF THE STORY. I’m still not sure why my daughter was laughing while she said it???).

  • These are all real from the ex.

    I have MS and talked to him repeatedly about separating due to the disease. His response would always be rather angrilly, ‘we’ll get through this together’.

    When caught, the tramp was going through a divorce and lost her home via foreclosure: ” I can help her. I can’t help you’. (So I will cheat on you to help us all)

    To the kids, ‘do you know how hard it is to ask someone for a divorce?’ (Its so much easier to just cheat and hope you don’t get found out. Not hard, just have to be honest and reveal what a scumbag you are to the world).

    • I suffer from recurring major depression and I would talk to my ex about her getting fed up and leaving me, something she swore she’d never do. When she did leave, she threw it back in my face that I’d said that I’d understand if she did ever leave me. I only said such things out of the guilt I felt for being sick; now I beat myself for putting the idea in her head. Not that she couldn’t/wouldn’t have done so on her own, but anything to place more blame on me, you know?

  • I met my Beloved at work. The expression “don’t shit where you eat” doesn’t apply to me, because my shit smells like unicorn sparkles and tastes even better, according to my Beloved.

    Our love is really special because I left the girlfriend I left my second wife for. I thought I’d be happy with the girlfriend, but then I looked down the shirt of the shiny new other woman, and I knew from the slight bulge of breast I could see above her bra, that she was trying to seduce me.

    It’s a lot like a song lyric, “let’s give them something to talk about”, because everyone already thought we were having an affair, because we were on a business trip and showed up for the first meeting four hours late and we told them a crazy story about how we got hopelessly lost on back-country roads looking for a Dairy Queen. We hadn’t fucked yet, but not for lack of trying, she spent hours on her knees and her arms went numb, but she just couldn’t get my limp dick up because I was too worked up with passion over finally being able to get her naked and call her a cunt.

    When she sees me, I can see the sparkle in her eyes. I can’t get my wife to sparkle at me anymore, because I’ve mindfucked her into depression and alcohol abuse and now she loves her dogs more than she loves me. I hate those fucking dogs. Those fucking rescues and their sad commercials about abandoned and abused animals make me want to throw a brick at the TV because having pets is stupid.

    We liked to meet for trysts on “business trips” because I not only got to fuck her, I got to fuck over my wife, and the company I work for. It’s fucking home run of fucking people over.

    But it’s really complicated, because of the math skills I don’t have, such as being able to imagine my life with only half of my money, if I throw out my sad and broken old wife, because she’s a mean bitch because she thinks I owe her something for stealing half her life and turning her into a shell of her old self. She should be happy and shut the fuck up and watch me jack off if I have two minutes for her.

    Our star-crossed love reminds me of several great works of art, like the animation of Family Guy. I feel like that Quagmire guy really really gets me. I want his fucking life. Except for that episode with the stupid fucking cat. Worst. Episode. Ever.

    I’m not a bad person, I just want to be happy. I don’t understand why my wife can’t just be happy. Maybe I don’t want to fuck her menopausal cunt anymore, but I’ll jack off in her face any time she wants it. I might spank her ass if I’m feeling really hot for her.

    I’m not selfish, I’m a good guy. I always pay for stuff for other people with a smile on my face. Except for my wife’s fucking piece of shit dogs I hate.

    We could be together forever if only you didn’t have a dog. A dog and fucking cats? What the fuck is wrong with you, you can’t pick one dumb kind of pet over another and have to have both. Here’s a pet rock I’d like to smash your brains in with.

    Have I mentioned I hate those fucking dogs. All they do is make my wife happy. What a fucking waste of my money. My money is only supposed to be spent on things that make ME happy, my wife can suck it. But really, I don’t want my wife to suck it, because she’d see the new sore on the end of my dick.

    People shouldn’t judge us because I was only seducing her to make her feel better because her cheating heartless bastard husband left her so distraught. She didn’t feel sexy anymore, she felt old and used and not like a real woman, and I made it all better by fucking her and making my stupid wife feel old and used and not like a real woman anymore. She doesn’t feel at all like a hypocrite, using another woman’s cheating asshole of a husband to make herself feel better about her cheating asshold of a husband.

    Since having an affair I feel like I’m about to lose half my stuff. Oh shit. I’m glad Miss Sparkles has a good job. Now if only Miss Sparkles can lose the fucking dog and cats. Maybe I can help out by throwing the oldest outside in the heat of the summer and make her think she’s an irresponsible horrible pet owner, and she’ll take the rest to the pound where they give owner surrenders the needle of death immediately, to end the suffering of their owner ending up with a giant douchecanoe animal hater.

    Yeah, that’s the ticket.

  • I met my Beloved Svletana at an online language site. I had passed the first-level prerecorded modules, so I deserved a prize.
    My long-time girlfriend suggested the site because I wanted to learn Russian. Girlfriend takes such good care of me and the pets and the house and the garden.I do appreciate that she takes such good care of everything, while I sit at the computer screen.To show my appreciation, when she complains that she is exhausted, I say “why don’t you stop, Girfriend, take some rest !”, while lying on the bed watching TV. Because I am concerned. Yes, I call her Girlfriend, literally. I never use her first name. It does not sound as good as Svletana.
    Ah Svletana… Our love is really special because it is expressed using an alien alphabet and complicated grammatical structures that give me a hard-on.
    So many songs by scantily-clad Bulgarian singers remind me of our love. I do not pay attention to the lyrics, or the music. I’m speaking about the legs, the ass, the tits and heavy makeup of the song.
    When Svletana sees me, she has Euros and Visa papers dancing in her piggy eyes, and wets her extra-large underwear. We like to meet in romantic places of Eastern Europe.
    But it’s really complicated because Girlfriend does not support my ambition to become a Tourist Guide with benefits for Russian women.
    I’m not a bad person, I’m just broken because my mom, sister and I were abandoned by my father, this is why I enjoy doing the same thing at the same age.
    I’m not selfish, I’m focused on pleasing women, I can waste two weeks of annual vacation driving them around at my own expense, you call that selfish ?
    Svletana and I could be together forever if only she didn’t choose to marry another guy on the Riviera who did not have a girlfriend. That’s Girlfriend fault. I hate her. She ruined my life, and isn’t showing remorse. She wants to keep me in this prison.
    I hate this house. I’ll tell Girlfriend, so she will enjoy doing all the maintenance even more.
    People shouldn’t judge me and Svletana, or me and Kseniia, because they are just jealous, not everyone is brilliant enough to lure Eastern women in their native language. Can’t you see the amount of work required?
    Since having an affair I feel permanently aroused. I am James Bond. They all want me.

  • You’re crazy!! Nothing happened…

    A. It just made me feel “alive” to talk smack about my wife to women I met in bars or online.

    B. There’s nothing wrong with having detailed email conversations about the kind of wild monkey sex I’d like to have with a woman who isn’t my wife! Stop invading my privacy!

    C. I don’t know why that woman is calling me in the middle of the night!!! She’s a psycho from high school who must still have a thing for me.

    D. I wasn’t contacting other women for me… I was only flirting with them to recruit groupies for the band. A band looks good with lots of hot chicks hanging around!!

    Reasons why a box of sex toys happened to be scattered across our front lawn one morning:

    A. They fell off the back of a delivery truck as it was passing by.

    B. Secret Santa has a kinky side.

    C. We were the lucky winners of a drawing for a new lawn decorating service.

    D. A gift from an angry OW after being dumped by my husband.

    I cheated because….

    A. I was having a midlife crisis and needed to feel attractive to other women.

    B. My wife’s love and devotion wasn’t enough. I needed something more, something new, something exciting. And, thanks to Viagra, no more worries about my ED!!!

    C. It wasn’t my fault that other women always threw themselves at me. I’m only human!!

    D. My wife believed my lies and it was FUN to get away with it while she was taking care of all the pesky, mundane responsibilities at home. That’s why I married her!!

  • I debated about whether to post this. It stung for a long time, but this site has finally helped me find the dark humor in it. It’s long, but please read it all the way through. This is verbatim what the OW posted in a forum about her affair with my husband, and it it rich. [Anything in brackets is mine. 🙂 ]:

    I met my OM six years ago online. My husband had been overseas for a long time, and we discussed having an open marriage, especially since we had married very young. [He didn’t AGREE to an open marriage, mind you, but I figure that fact that we TALKED about it meant all my bases were covered.] I met OM in a chat room, but almost ended the convo when I learned he was local. I didn’t want those complications. It was just flirty chat for my lonely nights.[Ok, yes, it was a hook-up site for married people, but that didn’t mean I was looking to cheat. I was just lonely! And where else could I possible meet people?] He was quite predatory, and my interest was captured and I caved and met him.

    The OM told me that he had never been with anyone other than his ex-wife and current wife, but that a few years prior he had a long-term online affair. He painted himself as very shy, emotionally neglected and abused at home, in an almost sexless marriage, but unwilling to leave his children. While the latter was actually mostly true, the former was not. About two years into our affair, I curiously asked about his previous online lover. He became outraged, verbally and physically abusive. He turned it all around on me – rebuking me for tearing open his old wounds and making him feel his self-loathing. He also revealed that he had never been tested for STDs after all of those encounters, putting me at risk.[I had never asked about his STD status before, because cheaters can tell just by looking at each other that we are clean.] I can still remember standing there, scared, silent, frozen in shock about him lying to me for so long, as he raged.[I knew he lied to his wife and was a serial cheater, but how dare he lie to ME?! I’m special!]
    That was the first time that the mask of his NPD-type personality slipped. It wasn’t long after that we had another serious argument, and he tried to manipulate me sexually so that I would forgive him. This time the hysteria was the opposite – he ditched work and made an emergency session with his therapist, writing me about how broken he was and of his FOO, mental, and marital issues, and came to me sobbing about how much he needed love.

    These two incidents should have made me RUN. I didn’t need this level of scary complication in my life. Regrettably, my own issues of being a caretaker kicked in. I saw this broken man, who said he wasn’t deserving of love, who said that there was nobody to love him. I felt an obligation to stay, felt like I would have been a horrible person to leave. My husband was still overseas, and here was someone who really seemed to need me.[You see, I HAD to cheat, because I am such a nice person!] The OM’s hooks were in. The manipulation continued over the years, with many more instances of emotional abuse and few times physical abuse. Now I feel so used. So naïve. I feel like I wasted such a huge part of my life.

    I won’t say that there weren’t plenty of happy times too though, and as time went on, the affair became even more of a commitment. He was my best friend and an interesting companion. I refuse to be ashamed of this, and am grateful for the sexual growth that I experienced. The emotional connection grew, and he bought me a ring and we made vows to each other. [So it was abusive but in a happy way! I wanted to leave but was committed! I was trapped against my will, but still married this guy who was already married to someone else! What do you mean you don’t get it?]

    He refused to leave his marriage because of his children, and I loved my husband too much to leave. [But, you know, not so much that I would consider fidelity.] OM and I lived a lying, double life as a polyamorous couple. [Polyamory sounds so much more sophisticated than cheating, don’t you think?] He convinced me each time I wavered that I had to be strong and committed, that what we had was magical and worth fighting for forever. This all ended when his BW caught us a few months ago.

    While it took me a few weeks [OK, months] to accept NC, I knew the ending of this was FREEDOM. I was finally free from my delusion that it was my responsibility to take care of this broken man. I was free from being manipulated, used, and abused [by my best friend, who I fake married, which I will never be sorry for], I was finally free from telling lies to my husband, family and friends [because telling the truth was obviously never an option before]. I immediately started therapy and soon confessed the full truth to my husband [because otherwise OM’s wife would have done it for me].

    Then I learned that OM’s BW was telling lies about me. For example, she accused me of sending her my blog link (a private reflection about our affair) to torment her. I was so shocked and outraged – I am not a cruel person and would never have done that.[ I am cruel enough to fuck her husband behind her back every day for six years, sure. Cruel enough to befriend her children’s nanny so I could gain access to her home without suspicion, and cruel enough to insist on having sex in her bed and her car, and to send her photos detailing my sex life with her spouse. But I would NEVER send her my blog, because they would be cruel.]

    In retaliation, BW wanted to hurt me. [She’s so mean and unreasonable! No wonder OM cheated on her!] I recently read an email where she informed me that I meant nothing to my OM, as he had also betrayed and cheated on me. He apparently fucked a security guard at work several times – ironically a scenario he repeatedly taunted ME about wanting to do, though I never expressed this as a fantasy. But worst, I learned that he had his own secret Tumblr blog for years with thousands of followers, called “How Women Should Be.” On this blog, he detailed OUR sex life, and supposedly posted sexual photos of ME, with many posts themed around humiliating women. He also formed long-term relationships with more women through this blog. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT? [It’s like he’s a cheater, or something!]

    This double betrayal of being cheated on plus being exploited has been beyond traumatizing to me. When you are in polyamourous relationship, TRUST is the absolute key. To allow him access to my mind and body in such an extreme way, only to be used against my knowledge as fodder for building relationships with other women is the epitome of FUCKING SICK. My head and heart can’t comprehend how someone who professed so much love would do something so demented to another person. I will never have the answers. I’m sure many will say I just got what I deserved for falling for a MM who wasn’t trustworthy – but I am still a human being and nobody deserves to be sexually exploited. [Except the wife, of course. Screw her.]

    • Wow, Kristen. What a couple of sick fucks those two were.

      Her: Always a victim, never a whore
      Him: Always a victim, never a psychopath

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