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Dear Chump Lady, The Other Woman told me to read your blog…

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cakeDear Chump Lady,

I have been living with my husband having an affair for a year now. I love him deeply. We have a deep connection and companionship and a great sex life. We have been married for 20 years. 3 kids. I have been through hell. But he can’t let her go…

She is in a different state and they meet up every now and then. He can’t cut her off. And she doesn’t want to go away. He says he loves her but he can’t let me go.

He doesn’t want a divorce. I’ve threatened divorce but that doesn’t help. And I don’t really want a divorce. I love him so much. My husband is depressed… I want to see him happy again. I have let them both know that I will accept her as a mistress. That is the only way for me to have him and for him to be happy again. I cannot let him go. And now his mistress sent me to your website. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Sad and Broken

Dear Sad and Broken,

His mistress sent me to your website?! Oh for fuck’s sake. OW read here to learn what chumps wives are, so they can glean tips on how to get wives to leave cheaters? So then OW can have Mr. Wonderful all to herself? That’s rich.

If I wanted to encourage that demographic, I would start a new blog IdiotMistress.com or StupidShitSchoompiesSay.com — but what would be the point of giving advice to OW? The narcissistically clueless don’t need self reflection. I’d have better luck teaching my Australian shepherd to solve differential equations.

So, Sad, this advice goes out to you. Is Schmoopie married? Call her husband and let him know about the affair. Did she meet your husband at work? Let your lawyer know, so he can schedule some workplace depositions. I hear that gets settlement talks started. In other words, start raining the hot coals of consequences on their selfish little heads. Stop being an ever-loving CHUMP!

Demand a credit check on him. Open a separate account. Move half your money into it. Instead of threatening divorce, start making divorce ACTIONS. Tell him to move the hell out and tell the children why. “Daddy is having an affair and he won’t stop. I refuse to model this kind of dysfunction to you.”

But, but! You still love him! You still have great sex! You’d lose your 20-year investment! Cheaterpants might be depressed! And it’s your responsibility to Make Him Happy.

sadzI promise you, Cheaterpants isn’t depressed — he’s delirious with cake — his marriage and his fuckbuddy. All the fun, none of the consequences! You start to get uppity? All he has to do is pout his pretty little lip, and you’ll back off. But Cheaterpants might be sad if Cheaterpants doesn’t get what he wants!

Stop behaving as if what Cheaterpants wants is of paramount importance. What about YOU? What about YOU going “through hell”? Does your misery matter? Why are you agreeing that his affair is acceptable to you when it’s clearly not? Do you think if you eat that shit sandwich it will just stop there? She’ll be the only OW? He’ll just keep his cheating to “every now and then”? (And what the hell does that mean? Cheating doesn’t take that much time? Neither does shooting yourself in the foot, but I’d hardly recommend it.)

I have been through hell. But he can’t let her go…

Of course he can. He just chooses not to.

He can’t cut her off.

Of course he can. He just chooses not to.

And she doesn’t want to go away.

Who gives a fuck what she wants? Your marriage isn’t between three people. She’s not a voting member. She’s not even Puerto Rico or Eleanor Holmes Norton. She’s a nobody. She’s kibble supply to that jerk you’re married to.

He says he loves her but he can’t let me go.

Of course he can, but he prefers cake.

You say “we share a deep connection.” You don’t. You love your husband and your husband loves your husband. Don’t you care if your husband loves you back? People who love you deeply CARE if you’re going through hell. Moreover, they aren’t the instrument of that hell. In fact, people who love you deeply don’t make you compete for their love. They don’t risk your health or your finances or your children’s home life. People who love you ACT like it.

Oh, and Mistress? If you’re reading this far, you need to read that last paragraph again too. People who love you don’t treat you like a side dish. And they don’t make you compete for their love, or make you feel compelled to send the competition to a “leave a cheater” blog. You ought to leave a cheater too, but you believe you’re Special. Best of luck with that. Whatever you suffer next is completely self-inflicted. I’d write more, but I have to go teach my dog algebra now.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I really hope the OW sends a letter as to why she directed the WIFE to you. I’d love the UBT to direct that mindfuckery.
    People that love you don’t implode your world and the world of your children for his pleasure. That’s the hardest concept to wrap your head around is that you and your children were never truly loved by this monster. That all these years it was fraud.
    I still trip over this….not as much….but it happens. I just saw the stbx and his whore last Monday….the lengths he goes to with her and her sons but couldn’t bother to for me and his own daughters.
    Fuck the cake eater.

    • I think that might be the letter that truly breaks the UBT. I am very grateful that I have never had to even talk to my OW, if she ever sent me a helpful website I might lose it.

      Sad and Broken: RUN!

        • I’m sure it was a tactic for wifey to move on. So she could have Mr. Wonderful all to herself.
          He’s a scumbag and they deserve each other. You, on the other hand, deserve a life free of such drama.

        • @ Tracy: “I just saw the stbx and his whore last Monday….the lengths he goes to with her and her sons but couldn’t bother to for me and his own daughters.
          Fuck the cake eater.”

          This has been eating me up. That he is giving HER and HER 2 children all the things that he denied his own family: His time. His money. His attention. I’ve been told that it’s all just to impress her but it still hurts. Why didn’t he want to impress his OWN family? I know I should be glad to be rid of him, but I hurt for the lost dreams, hopes and plans and get angry at the lies he told. *meh bound*

          • I so hear you. If I had to guess, I’d say dude is just playing out his temporary fantasy of being a fine upstanding family man, and that the minute the role gets too demanding or some crisis hits, he’ll bail, flail, and delegate while she either commences to spackling or wises up and leaves. (Preferably the latter, for her sake and yours: seeing that happen can be so very validating.) Sometimes the best impressions are given by people with nothing real to offer, because all the resources they would otherwise pour into actual living goes instead into looking good on paper.

            Sometimes the gold at the bottom of the crap-barrel is nothing more than your ability to spot it. Good luck on the train to Meh.

    • Oh yes, this:

      I just saw the stbx and his whore last Monday….the lengths he goes to with her and her sons but couldn’t bother to for me and his own daughters.
      Fuck the cake eater.

      Just saw The Evil One and his fiancé Schmoopie and her two kids today when I picked up my daughter, OMG!!! Whyyyy does she have to be with him at drop-offs, I have no idea, but it kills him I’m sure that I haven’t said a word about it either!!!!

      Sad and Broken: PLEASE RUN!!. GET THE HELL OUTTA THAT SITUATION.!! That is such bullshit you are CHOOSING to stay in!!! I know you have all these unicorny thoughts about how you can’t do this or that, but I beg of you— GET OUT, GET CLEAR!!!! Seriously.

      You are more concerned about him, but what about YOU!?!?!?

      Coincidentally, I am watching The Wizard of Oz right now…at the part as I am typing this when Glinda says to Dorothy, “You’ve always had the power within you….”

      GET OUT.
      Reply

        • Also, I am thinking why does the poster assume that the OW who told her to read Chumplady is the ONLY OW? The truth is he may have three or four more. The poster is the only one dumb enough to announce herself. And won’t it be funny when the guy is available but does not marry the OW? Ha!

      • i truly believe that the troll comes with him on pick up and drop offs because she is most insecure and thinks that if she keeps an eye on everything he does that he will behave.

        there might be some small sense that she is protecting him from the hateful, mean ex wife who just never treated him right. after all that is the story he told her right. i would stand up for my family and protect them. i remember thinking that i was protecting Diablo from “bad” people. *shrugs* so i can see how some woman think they are helping or protecting the man.

        but for the most part, i just think it is the other womans insecurity. i mean she already know how easy it for him to forget about people and how quickly he can get undressed and assume the position. she already knows how accident prone this guy is. i guess she is worried that someone will trip and fall on his penis the way she did. and God forbid that the man actually TALK to his ex wife. the woman who gave him the gift and blessing of children, who stood by his side for many years. i mean how DARE he think he can talk to his exwife without her telling him what to say plus she already knows that he most likely will not tell her the whole story so she just has to be there so she can hear it all. she knows she will not get the truth otherwise

      • I do not have to worry about X-hole bringing the troll around me….he does not DARE. Told him I will NEVER be civil to her, dared him to ever bring her around me. Told him I would embarsss the fucking shit out of her and announce to anyone within earshot what they did. He knows I meant it. Boo hoo….so I’m not being “nice”. Tough shit, I was nice….and he used it against me. They can piss up a rope. No WAY am I eating that shit sandwich, I’ve already had my fill of those.

        • NCStevie, I dont think you meant to be funny but I laughed so loud and hard tears ran down my face. Piss up a rope…classic ??

    • Oh for fuck sakes, kick his ass out and go punch that bitch right in the mouth. They both deserve it.

      Talk about flipping the BITCH SWITCH… if OWhore ever dared to have the cajones to suggest anything such thing to me there is no way I would be able to control myself.

      This shit hurts, the truth hurts, the endings…but sure better than living that shit every day. I knew about X-holes troll for the last 3 months we were together and damn near lost my mind. But I didn’t play house with him. Moved my shit out of our bedroom, cut his ass off and fought with him about her cheating ass tooth and nail every day until he left. Once I knew…no more sleeping with the ENEMY. A YEAR??? Are you fucking kidding me??

      Sad and Broken, CL is right, it’s time to impose some real life consequences on his selfish cheating ass. Move some money and get a good lawyer. He will keep this shit up as long as you allow it.

    • Sad and Broken, I’ll be brief. Get the fuck out!!!!

      Save yourself and your 3 children any further heart break. You are worth so much more.

    • I am an ex-OW who was in a very similar situation to what “Sad & Broken” described above. They are (still) 20+yrs married, 3 kids, a whole year was wasted in the turmoil of Cheaterpants and he has refused (thus far) to leave me alone.

      His latest self-serving message reached me a week ago from a dummy email account he created to get around being blocked. It had been 2 months since I last heard from this asshole (he showed up outside my apartment window drunk and uninvited at 4:30am after spending the night out with strippers!)

      I wanted to send this recent email to his wife, call her, tell her he’s doing it AGAIN (she heard from me when I first discovered his double life, when he showed up at 4:30am and another time)… but then I wondered if all I wanted was revenge, to make his life difficult by telling her – because it’s not NEWS and these men don’t change. I didn’t know what to do so I posted on a forum here asking for advice. Someone suggested forwarding the email to his wife and sending her a link to Chumplady….. so, that’s one way an OW (or in my case ex-OW) could be inspired to send a link along….

      I decided to not engage in the mind-fuckery. He’d probably just tell his wife that “she doesn’t want to go away.” just like “Sad & Broken”s Cheaterpants is quoted as saying in her post. These men are fucking gaslighting liars! You can’t trust anything they say or do.

      Tracy nailed it when she wrote: “People who love you deeply CARE if you’re going through hell. Moreover, they aren’t the instrument of that hell. ” Amen.

      He will never change. You deserve so much more.

  • Sad and Broken-I understand not wanting to give up that huge investment of time. You gave your husband your youth, three children and 20 years of your life. I gave mine 27. 24 before I found out he was cheating. I stayed for 3 years after my day of discovery and it was a giant waste of my time. It wasn’t appreciated; it was expected.

    Everything Chump Lady says is true. And whatever you do, please don’t decide to not take her (CLs’s) advice just because the other woman sent you a link to her blog. She’s an idiot and she’s stupid enough to believe she wants what you have. The best thing you can do is let her have it: the great prize that is willing to blow up his family for a piece on the side. I thought I could pretend it didn’t happen. I thought it was worth it because of all my invested time. That and I was afraid of jumping into the abyss of the unknown.

    It was hard to face up to this one simple truth: Not only did the ex husband not love or respect me when he cheated; he didn’t even like me very much. How can I say that when I wasn’t living in his head? It’s easy. His actions told me all that. Once I embraced those truths, I could envision walking away. Once I could envision it, I knew I could make it a reality.

    It hasn’t always been easy but it’s worth it.

    • My ex didn’t think much of me either. Once I realized ending it was so much easier.

      Narcs have a pattern idealize, devalue and discard. Narcissistic support.com

      They will hang around while in the relationship because of the cake they are getting having two women. Min got outed by her ex..so funny.

        • So true–what can be so hard to realize is that the cheating itself is part of the devalue and discard pattern with narcissists. Just because your husband wants to stay married to you, Sad, doesn’t mean he hasn’t already discarded you–he has, and the fact that he not only cheated on you but refuses to stop means that he devalued you long ago.

          My heart goes out to you–I’ve been there myself and it is hell. But once I finally accepted the fact that my STBX had no respect for me whatsoever–once I paid attention to his actions and not to the platitudes he’d throw my way every once in a while to keep me placated–leaving him not only became easier but it felt downright liberating.

    • As cheaterssuck says, you must feel like you have a lot to lose. But the reality is that things aren’t what you thought they were – he’s not who you thought he was. After 20 years, all your memories, every single part of the fabric of your life has him threaded through it. But stop and look. The bits of thread that are your husband are dirty and tainted. You thought he was gold thread. He’s actually a bit of dirty string. Make a new tapestry.

      If you accept his mistress, do you know what will happen? The situation will chip, chip, chip away at your self-esteem and your sense of self. It will crumble away. Think about how you feel now. How will things be in 5 years from now? In 15 years? Why wait to find out?

      You DON’T have to accept this situation. You don’t have to resign yourself to a future of being cheated on and neglected, of taking a share of someone you thought was special.

      You are your own person. You CAN and you will be happy on your own. Who knows, you might even meet someone else who genuinely will cherish you, who will put you first. Don’t accept less than that.

      As Chump Lady says, it’s now time to think about YOU. xxx

      • Sad & Broken – listen to Chump Lady’s advice and do what you can to protect yourself and your kids. Off the Crazy Train said, “The situation will chip, chip, chip away at your self-esteem and your sense of self. It will crumble away…” The reality is in your situation, IT’S ALREADY HAPPENED. The women and men on this site can each tell you: it does not get better without an IMMEDIATELY remorseful spouse who goes through the long-term and daily actions and requirements to fix what they’ve destroyed. But hell, that’s hard work, and who has time to repair family relatitonships when there’s a sidefuck waiting to make them feel good about themselves?

        But, chick, you’ve already invited a third party into your “marriage,” and your douchebag “husband” is good with this, and it is ALL at the psychological, and physical expense of you and your children – AND HE COULD CARE LESS. Who does that? Someone who is emotionally flatlined. You can’t “bring him back” to a normally functioning relationship. You don’t have one, and he’s not normal. I know you see this! He changed the terms of your marriage covenant/vows/contract, but oops! The douchebag didn’t bother to tell you, and now you’ve been bent into the brokenness of accepting a whore into your “marriage?” Sorry, but the douchebag in your scenario is a whore, as well. Is this what you promised your life and loyalty to 20 years ago? And don’t for a second think any of us don’t feel the acute sting, shame, anger, pain, longing, bitterness, and shock of what you’re experiencing. We each have and on many days, still do. You don’t ever “get over it” when there is essentially one quarter of your life seemingly wasted on a lying, cheating douchebag, but in your case, he’s not even hiding his betrayal from you. But you certainly do have a choice of getting THROUGH this. That’s 100 percent on YOU.

        I walked away from 23 years of shared history, and what I thought was going to be forever. It took me 8 months before I stopped accepting his emotional abuse and abandonment, and I finally filed. Two kids, 23 years, debts, homes, even a grandchild, but I was NOT going to accept mediocrity in a life in which I was promised his best. If that was “his best” for us, while some $2 whore got the shiny him, no thanks! The reality is, long after the kids are grown and gone, what the hell was I going to have? Some serial-cheating whore? No thanks. Do not let fear immobilize you. Take the steps Chump Lady recommends to get things separated, and get to a lawyer now.

        Yum! Won’t that turkey taste much better this week knowing that you’re giving thanks to Chump Nation for supporting you, and giving you loving advice on what to do? Without it, you’re just choking down some dry turkey along with your self-respect, looking across a table at a boy-whore who is completely okay with fucking some cheap whore on the side, all the while knowing his WIFE knows, and acccepts this. “Uh, hey, Johnny – can you pass the cranberries? Junior, are we gonna watch that football game after this?” he says to the children you gave him, that he’s also betraying. Meanwhile you choke it down, choke it down, choke…

        And one more thing, please do not tell yourself that you’ll do something after the holidays. You think you’re kids care more about some perfectlty wrapped gifts more than they do their Mom’s sanity? The absolute BEST gift you can give them is to show and model for them what a mighty, self-respecting parent does who loves them and cares for their emotional and psychological health more than a sidefuck. Send them to your parents’ house, and get this shit done, and then Happy New Year to YOU. My divorce was finalized Dec. 30 one year ago next month. And hell yeah – Happy New Year to ME, and my kids, grandkid, and my family legacy.

        Easy? NO. Painful? YES. The best thing that a loyal spouse can do when their cheater spouse refuses to re-commit? YES. But, any of us can tell you, even if they “re-commit,” your marriage will always feel tainted with the whore they chose over you and your family, and absolute trust again may never happen. Hell! This asswipe KNOWS you know, and could give a shit less! Who wants to live the rest of their life like that? Seven BILLION people on this Earth. You’re putting it all on one person who’s proven to you they suck, lie, cheat, and disrespect you? I was with the same douchebag from 16 to 40 years old, and never dated or was an adult without being tethered to that whore. But, I’m not going to kill my future happiness by keeping myself attached to someone who doesn’t love me. Love is action, not a hard-on. Love doesn’t betray like this. Get out.

        Good luck, Sad & Broken. I hope you stick with us and let us know the mighty steps you take to get this done soon. You’ve been numb for the past year. Now move past that and get through this. (((hugs.)))

    • Cheaterssuck, my story is very similar to yours. 22 years of marriage and 2 years of trying to put things back together after DDay. And Sad and Broken, I understand your pain, I am still in love with my STBX and I will always be in love with him. Leaving is a very hard decision when the cheater still wants you, but the pain of staying will be so tremendous that leaving will be your only option. Sometimes we have to feel extreme misery before we realize that there is another option. This person is the father of your children and you have had 20 years of your life invested in him and the marriage, leaving him is going to be a process. He will always be apart of your life. He will always be the father of your children. But you do not need to have him be always apart of your misery. Let him go for your own sanity. Mourn the loss of your marriage and move on. It is easier said then done, but if I can do it, you can too.

  • How true CL! Sad & Broken needs to realize that her husband doesn’t love her as you pointed out. I feel badly about how from Peace she appears at this point. She is in the grip of fear. I am glad she got directed here even if it was by an OW!

    • Is he remorseful because he is actually remorseful or is he remorseful because he got caught…. How the hell is he “unable” to let her go when he has to choose to meet up with her….

  • LOL CL your too funny – Sad and Broken, listen to CL – she knows what she’s talking about – you can go another 10 years like this and he’ll end up leaving anyway. Do yourself a favor and get out while your youngish…

    • He probably would end up leaving anyway. Sad & Broken says the OW lives in another state – what if distance was less of an issue? He’d probably be seeing her more and more. But for now, he’s got cake and kibbles. Poor poppet. Got his wife and mistress. No wonder he feels sad. Diddums.

      I hate to think what would happen if this dance continues another 10 years. I fear she will lose her self-esteem and become more and more co-dependent. Then what happens?

      It is a bit sickening that the OW is clearly trying to claim the husband for her own… But really, it’s not a contest where he’s a wonderful prize. He’s a cheater.

  • CL, this is one of your best responses. I only hope that Sad and Broken HEARS you. And to the OW, fuck you for sending Sad and Broken here knowing we’d tell her to dump her sorry cheating husband (so that he could be with you). Fuck you and him. Why aren’t you capable of A.) finding your own unattached mate, and B.) comprehending what you’ve done to Sad and her family?

    Sad and Broken, I’m sorry you’ve found yourself here but it’s time to face facts. Many of us loved our cheaters even after we knew we could no longer be with them. This makes it especially hard and takes lots of time, but it can be done. In time you’ll see him for what he is and you won’t love him any more.

    For over a year and a half I still loved and desired my cheater but I made no moves to get him back. Anyone who can show me that level of disrespect is not worthy of me. Same goes for you.

    Read this entire website. Find your anger and indignation and take steps to get away from him.

    • I still loved my Cheater, too. But I loved an illusion, a man who was a projection of what I wanted him to step up and be. Who I found out he REALLY was, was shocking. He was a guy who could never get emotionally intimate with me. He could relax and smile every evening as I sobbed myself to sleep over his affair. And, more importantly, he would not end it, in order to protect his wife. Dealbreaker right there! Who wrote this on here- Cheating was fun, and we are still here, so, no problem!! This brilliantly describes the crux of the issue.
      And smug OW- FU and get off our blog! This is a healing place for Chumps, not for you to sleaze around on. Hope you like being not that important. All you were was easy, and cheaply had. Go grow a backbone, and some ethics while you’re at it.

      • Mine was an illusion too. Amazing how much energy they put into that facade of being a real human being. Sad and Broken needs to realize she is in love an illusion. Its all an act.

        Sad and Broken we send you love and healing. Girl. We have your back. You are and deserve better. Go Girl.

    • Hand raised too…..I still loved X-hole, I seriously thought I was going to have a mental breakdown but I didn’t fight to keep him either. I imposed those consequences and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t want him to go but I didn’t want him to stay either.

      When I looked into his eyes I could see the truth, I knew he couldn’t possibly have any real love for me and continue what he was doing knowing what it was doing to me. Knowing the truth of that was what wrecked me, not him screwing her or wanting her stupid ass.

    • I’m not one for swearing much, but Moving Liquid you are right.

      To the OW: fuck you. What a nasty, desperate bit of tail you are. You’re his bit on the side. You think he wants you full-time, forever? Good luck with that. Now fuck off.

  • Sad and Broken, please, please leave him! What would you tell your child to do if one of them was being cheated on? Who the hell does the OW think she is? Contacting you and sending you here! Please do not accept this affair. Your husband is endangering your health and you should not consider allowing him a mistress as a compromise to having an honest relationship. Did you agree to have an open marriage before you got married? It doesn’t sound like it. I’m so sorry this is happening but you should take CL’s advice. ASAP! Where does it end? What if he decides to take three more mistresses and he leaves you and the kids to fend for yourselves? You have to protect your children. You are married to a lying, cheating asshole. He needs to pay up for his piss poor decisions. You can do this!

  • Is “soul rape” love? I tend to think anything that involves the word “rape” is not a loving action. It is about power and selfishness. Sad and Broken, your husband has raped your soul by committing adultery with this other woman. That is what I see adultery as spiritually–I’m an ordained minister, by the way.

    If that is not bad enough, he has signaled that his “happiness” means continuing the violate your one-flesh union with this OW. Yeah, I’d say that is far from healthy for you.

    Sad and Broken, I am sorry you are in this place. Many of us here have had to make a choice off this Buffet of Bad Options. Just realize, though, staying under these conditions is just feeding your husband’s contempt for you and is not a good/safe place to be.

    Wish you the best on your journey!
    -DM

    • I really like that description. A “buffet” if bad options. At the time, none of the options seem good. All of the options seem painful. One counselor told me you can go through the pain now or delay the pain and go through it later but he only way out of this is going to be painful. It’s really sad when you think the best of the options in front of you is ending your marriage but unfortunately at a certain point it is. I really liked reading CL blogs about being mighty and being in the state of meh. It gave me something to look forward to even if it’s painful right now. Heart goes out to you.

    • Divorce Minister,

      YES! Whether adultery, verbal/financial/emotional/physical/spiritual/sexual abuse; it’s ALL—“Soul Rape!” Perfectly named! Thank you.

      Ann

  • “He says he loves her but he can’t let me go”…
    “I can’t let him go”.
    He has already let you go, he is just hanging around because you let him. He did not respect you when he began pumping her, and now he has completely lost respect for you because you accept his bullshit. Of course he will never admit this.
    If schmoopie gives him an ultimatum, or if you find yourself an OM, watch how fast he can suddenly let you go.

  • He didn’t even like me very much.

    This rings true. He threw me to the wolves. He wished me dead. He loved his dick more than anything else in the whole world.

    Any person who can throw away another human being like a piece of gum stuck to their shoe is not worth your time, energy or love.

    Can you respect this man now that you know his willy is more important than the lives of your children???

    And for God’s sake please stop having sex with this man ! Who knows where that thing has been!!!

    He’s depressed my ass….he’s only sorry to be found out. I agree with divorcing him. The marriage as you know it ended the day he stuck it in Miss Manners.

  • *Bang head here* No, no, no, no, no. Sad, listen to CL, please. You are worth so much more than what you’re getting. Let this song spur you forward: Aaron Tippin, “Kiss This”

    • Feistypants 😀 country music usually makes me hurl but I AM LOVIN THAT!!!! ;D THANK YOU!!!!!

      …puts a whole new spin on me walkin away from that disordered asshole I married!!!! I told satan as I walked away from his lyin ‘i love you baby’ bullshit, ‘I don’t think I’m gonna let you YOU with me anymore 😀 Stay away from me you sick fuck!’

      …then I skipped away 😀 AND I WAS SMILIN!!!!!

      • “My Give A Damn’s Busted” is another great one….and of course “When He Cheats”. X-hole had that CD when I met him. His previous GF bought it for him…..turned out she was the OW that he cheated on ex-wife with…. I should have known better…..smack myself in the forehead. Good grief.

  • Sad and Broken, your marriage is already over. It ended when your husband decided to have the affair.
    I would urge you to make it official and get on with your life. Getting the toxic waste dump of him and his cheating out of your life is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. I promise you there is a life after a long-term marriage, and it can be awesome if you let it.

  • How desperate is the l other woman? She is really nothing but a sorry piece of shit. She is purposely destroying a family, hurting the wife and children, taking a father away from his children just so she can have a man. Cant she find a man on her own, she has to hitch hike on someone’s else man? she can only get this man to be with her for a fuck every now and then? She is not worth more than just a drive by fuck. And when she cant get Mr Sad to leave his wife and pick her, she goes after the wife!!! How sad and pathetic is that. She cant get this guy to herself and apparently is not even worth the effort for him to commit to her so she is trying to trick the wife into divorcing him so she can get him in the end? That is just super messed up.

    Oh, I am sure he is telling her that he loves her, of course he loves sticking his dick in her but I doubt it is anything more than that. But what kind of woman believes that a man can be in love with her when the only thing they have is a casual drive by fuck once in a while. This other woman is so desperate for any man that she is willing to be a side dish and take someone’s left overs. It just amazes me how pathetic the other woman really are. And those who KNOW that he is married, knowing that he will not leave his wife and are still willing to spread their legs for 15 -30 minutes are really nothing but trash. Look loser other woman, if a man really loves you he would not have to sneak in a fuck whenever he has time. He would want to do other things with you besides sext and drive by ass grab. He would be proud to call you his woman instead of just meeting you in the hotel for a quickie.

    To tell you the truth the whole letter has me confused. I understand where the wife is coming from up to a point. It is his first affair…..that she KNOWS of because I bet there are more that she never even thought or saw going on. She invested 20 years and thinks that he loves her. She is caught up in the what we had together and the things that were. I know she is in a crazy haze that was not of her own making and her mind is spinning around in circles trying to find out how to “fix” this. I can totally understand thinking you can save your marriage from the worthless piece of shit other woman who is trying to steal your man. it is hard the first time you find out but it will only get harder after you try to forgive him and hope that your marriage goes back to the way it was. The first time I found out Diablo had an affair, I fought like hell to get him back and save our marriage. I was willing to forgive and forget and made believe it was just some kind of mistake that happened. AT NO TIME WAS I WILLING TO SHARE HIM WITH THE OTHER WOMAN……NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM. I don’t know how the wife decided that she was ok with him having a mistress. And is okay that her husband of 20 years is betraying her and treating her like crap. No wonder the other woman is desperate. The other doesn’t want to be the side chick, she wants to be the main piece. But the man and his wife are not playing the way the other wants. The man refuses to pick the side piece and the wife refuses to divorce him.

    If the wife is truly willing to share her husband then I don’t understand why she wrote chumplady. If the wife really wants her husband to leave his loser lover, then she needs to pull out all the high cards and go for the juggler. If she isn’t sure if she should divorce him and end her marriage, then I understand reaching out for support.
    I might sound like I am mean but it feels like BOTH the wife and the other woman are crazy and drama filled. I wish the best for the children in this twisted sick triangle.

      • You’re right about this, Mandie! In my case, OW started punishing Asshat for not going through with the divorce by stalking me. Yay.

      • In the end my ex’s other women wanted to be unknown! My ex and his mistress planned on bringing her in the picture after the divorce was completed and introduced to my 2 adult son’s as a new innocent girlfriend! When I found my worms cell phone and their love texts I exposed them to my sons during prior to the divorce, let me tell you exposure infuriated both of them but it especially infuriated his other women. You see the other women really do have shame about stealing the children fathers as they will try hard to hide what they are doing so that they can come in with a fresh new relationship with your husband after the divorce! The narcissist and his lover ideally want you dead and she slips in as your replacement with no damages to his children or his finances! Good luck… Lock your bedroom doors and sleep with one eye open.. If you don’t leave.. It going to get dangerous,

        • This is so interesting, Gail! I’m 7 weeks after D-Day and my husband of 22 years just declared that he broke up with affair partner over the weekend (I’m not turning back; he’s out of the house and I’m planning to divorce)–now I see that it might be the same ploy to reintroduce her after divorce is final! And to get in my good graces during the divorce process. What a schmuck if this is what he’s doing. She lives out of state, possibly biding her sweet sweet time until he is free. I’m on my guard.

          • Well-done, Sionara! They do not intend to change, they only change outwardly to get back their taste of stable-home-life + mistress on the side. Mine didn’t admit to a mistress at the time of D-day (I divorced him on the basis of finding out about an affair 8 years prior), but I now know that he had a mistress, and also had NO intention of stopping his serial cheating. Once they’ve lied that horrifically to you, they will do it again, and again. Divorce is the only option.

          • Very smart Sionara. All too common that they “pretend” to end things and then play the “oh yeah we just started dating after the divorce” crap. Let them have each other-on to a better life for you.

          • Pretty sure my stbx had the same plan in mind. It looks like his OW has moved on without him which has really made him crazy mad. If they do end up together after the divorce, no one will be fooled because I told everyone who would listen who the OW was but my narc is stupid enough to think he could fool everyone.

          • Out of the house just means away from you, the marriage, the kids, the mortgage, family, wtfever, right!?! all those responsibilities your poor sad sausage can’t deal with. My POS ex skipped gleefully and merrily away, he had a new gf you know! A whole new reason to live! These sick fucks ramp up the romance with their side pieces when their loving spouses begin to figure it out and realize that that ultimatum was the best thing that ever happened to ME…. Best piece of advice here: Let that LOSER go!

    • That pretty much describes what I did after I discovered my ex had been living a double life. I struggled to understand the man I loved, and was willing to do anything for him because I loved him. I tried very hard to accept having an open marriage and was willing to share him with another woman if it made him happy.

      I asked each of them what they thought would happen when I found out about their affair. They each gave me the same answer: they assumed I’d kick him out and then they could have each other. Nobody knew how to handle me being okay with an open marriage.

      But, the one thing I asked was that in return, he focus on regaining my trust, being there for me when I needed him, being honest, and treating me and our children like the priority. If he gave us 90% of his time, I could let him have the remaining 10% with her. He couldn’t do it. He kept lying, even when it was unnecessary. He was simply incapable of regaining my trust, and he certainly wasn’t able to give me even a small majority of his time and attention. And she encouraged him. Every moment he was with me, he moped and complained and wished he was with her, and she did her very best to interrupt and destabilize the situation.

      It took me a while to figure out that he didn’t understand what love was, and never had. I would have done anything for him, and all he was doing in return was hurting me. I had to reverse that in my mind to get through it. People who hurt you don’t deserve your love in return.

      By not leaving, he’s not actually choosing you. He’s only choosing himself. He’s not choosing you, he’s choosing to protect his reputation. He’s not choosing you, he’s choosing to keep getting his laundry done. He’s not choosing you, he’s choosing to avoid looking bad.

      In the immortal words of Rush: “When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.”

      • HC

        It’s amazing how far we are willing to go because we love them. The hardest thing to accept after all those years was that he never loved me . We hang into a fantacy.

        • You hit the nail on the head, Donna. The hardest thing to accept, in the end, is that he never loved you. Or, certainly doesn’t now. I’m so glad I didn’t hang on to that fantasy for more than a month or two.

          No man or woman is worth hanging onto when they have shown you through actions that they love another person. It’s a losing game.

          Do not ever lose your integrity over ANYBODY!

          And, for the whore of worthless value who fucks another woman’s husband and directs her to this site. Well, I piss on you if you think that shows you are ‘intelligent and crafty’. oooooh…you are so wickedly smart. You are nothing but pond scum to interfere with anybody’s lives. Go get your own cauldron – you are more than a witch!

        • Yes. I really loved my H and I was devoted to him. I actually prayed to God to allow ANYTHING to happen (short of the deaths/suffering of my children) to make my husband love me. If you ever think/say/pray anything THAT desperate, you are in the WRONG place with the WRONG person.

          Then he said he wanted a divorce…then I learned of his affair with Susan of Seattle…then he moved away for 18 months…then I continued to eat shit sandwiches for 5 more years after that.

          He did/said a few things that led me to believe that despite all my willingness to suffer and love him, our marriage would still end. Then he suddenly dropped dead.

          I found proof in his private papers that he lied about Susan and his denials about aspects of their affair were lies then the star on the hellish tree was learning that he was a serial cheater.

          …..all those fucking years when I was scrambling around to be a perfect wife, worry about what he thought an felt and wanted…and he was fucking God-knows-who

          and in his stuff I found a hard drive which I fired up and in it was a thing he wrote himself where he said that he never loved me

          Well, there it was…right in front of me…pixels on the screen

          • (had to press reply and retreat, kid came into room)

            So, I loved him so very much and he showed me clearly over and over and over again that he didn’t love me…and now I saw it and knew it and there was no denying.

            :::crickets chirping:::: ::::awaiting earth to crack open and swallow me alive::::

            Your H may be saying that he loves you and there are likely things about the life you 2 built together that he doesn’t want to exert himself dismantling, but he is showing you clearly that he loves himself

            You know what is worse than losing a man who doesn’t love you? Losing years of your precious life to a man who doesn’t love you. Our years are finite. Our youth is finite…at some point it is GONE. Spend it wisely.

            Aside: after he died, the deacon at Church (who had done counseling with him) said that a few months before he died, he cried and said that he really loved me. I was unmoved. I don’t care. I prayed for his soul to go to heaven and I think he is there and I don’t ever want to see him again ever in the history of the universe. He probably does love me now and I seriously DON’T CARE. He had 29 years to treat me well and he was an ass

            • “You know what is worse than losing a man who doesn’t love you? Losing years of your precious life to a man who doesn’t love you.”

              Great advice Unicornnomore!

              I still remember the moment I realized my ex was not the family man I’d believed him to be for over 36 years. That knowledge came in an instant. It’s so painful to read that they never loved you, or in my case that “she is old and has been around forever and I’m tired of her.” My ex wrote and said things that undid 36 years of shared history. His actions changed the meaning of all my memories of our time together.

              Sad, your husband doesn’t love you. He loves himself. He’s playing you for a fool. I know you don’t want to believe this, but it’s true. You may love him, but you need to love yourself more. I understand how confused you are and how you hope and pray you can change him back into the person you thought he was, the one you built a family with. But that person is gone and he’s not coming back. A person who loves you doesn’t ask you to share his love with someone else. You can love yourself better than this man can. You can make yourself happier.

            • Unicornomore…We are peas in a pod…My Cheaterpants did not drop dead, he had a hideous cancer and I nursed him up to his end, and found the dirty evidence of his continued cheating in the form of really bad poetry on flash drive sticks (They could be interesting fodder for the UBT)….He felt compelled to save this drivel from a work computer when he changed jobs…. After I had Cheaterpants cremated and found his lovely poetry, I cannot begin to tell you about my rage… with no one in particular to rage at.

              There are no do-overs in real life, but the hind-sight in me thinks that my current mental health would be better if I had let Cheaterpants have Mrs. Schmoopie Schmoop and she could have sat thru 4 surgeries and endless Dr. visits that I did.

              Sad and Broken, its taken me years to realize that my love and patience for my Cheaterpants meant nothing to him…and that Cheaterpants cheating, his disregard of my feelings, this treatment of me was abuse without battery.

              One of my best friends was dumped by her husband of 20 years for a Schmoop that was a member of their Church congregation…Hallelujah! My friend divorced him and it was painful….She later found love with an old High School Beau that had been chumped by his 20 year partner…It does happen.

              But it won’t happen as long as you are in your self imposed Limbo….I call it that because that is what I did. I did not want to start over with our Developmentally Disabled adult son at the tender age of 53. CheaterP already had his cancer diagnosis when he found Schmoop, and I knew the cancer was going to get him. That colored my reasoning. Financially it was probably wise to hang on, but it was a soul killer and a hight price to pay.

              • Bless you for being compassionate, and doing end of life care, it’s very hard. You should be proud of your integrity. (And no, AP wouldn’t have done it. She’d just go find someone healthy to mess around with)

              • Wow..hanecita..I am in awe of your strength. But just a thought, I would focus on what you did, not what he did. You fulfilled your promises, in sickness and in health.

                Doesn’t really matter what he did – he wasn’t and isn’t relevant.

                Going forward, you are the real gold. He was the fool’s gold.

                Focus on your faithfulness, your trueness, your truth, what your actions were.

                There is a reason he no long draws breath and you do. Go Live.

                Share your Mighty with the world. The world is a better place with you in it.

              • “After I had Cheaterpants cremated and found his lovely poetry, I cannot begin to tell you about my rage… with no one in particular to rage at”

                I hear you , boy do I?!?! I went to daily Mass and prayed for his soul for 7 years (from about D day until he died) like you I fulfilled my commitments to him even though he turned out to be a lying cheater (I call him “Major Cheaterpants”…if your deadhusband is in heaven, maybe they get each other’s mail).

                He had been dead 2.5 years when I learned of the long term serial cheating…I was planning my wedding and I found it out. Fucking shit.

        • Had a conversation about this very thing tonight. People just don’t get it. It’s not like moving on from a normal break up or dissolution, the mindfuckery of realizing that it was never real just DOES something to you. How in the hell do you ever trust someone again, or even trust your own judgement again….. it takes time, therapy and healing. It just changes you so much.

  • “I’d write more, but I have to go teach my dog algebra now.”

    HA HAAAA HAAAAA HHHHAAAAAWWWW. I am rollin’ on this post. Thanks, Tracy. You are the BEST!

  • Run. Run run run. Start with baby steps but go. Yea . OW is a bitch. She wants your husband and is taking all avenues to get him. Sent you here cause she sees it as her best bet. Obviously ChumpLady is doing a good job that even cheaters recognise it. (Hi five!) But back to you. You won’t want to listen to this. What OW has done by sending you here adds to your mind fuck. What are you going to end your marriage basically because she led you to? You mean she gets to be right? Yea. She is. You are wrong. If you let yourself get hung up on that you will be sorry. You are also wrong about your husband.being wrong won’t kill you. Take wisdom even from a fool. Your investments are noted. But the awesome sex will soon start to suck as your mind starts to picture him with her. You will be a wreck. There is more to life than his penis which is what this all boils down to . on average 6 inches of flesh. I hope for your sake more. He must follow the penis where it leads him. Seriously. Your brain. Knows you want out. Your heart is the hold up.

  • Sad and Broken, I am so sorry. What you describe is a torture no one should be asked to endure. The fact that your goal in this is to see him happy again, even if the price is accepting a mistress, makes me so very sad for you. I long to see YOU in this equation. Someone needs to care for you and you seem to be the only candidate. Please, please love yourself enough to rescue yourself from this nightmare. Every chump here knows the horror of realizing the relationship and love we thought we had was not what it seemed. It is so very painful to heal from that but it can be done. I hope you will find yourself a better future than what you have endured so far.

    Please also think about how far this quest for your husband’s happiness is going to take you. Will he want threesomes next or something even more kinky? To move closer to OW? Where is your breaking point? The way these things go, you are likely to find yourself there. Again, I am so sorry, but I really believe you must find a way to rescue yourself.

  • Ah…yes. The “he can’t let her go / she can’t let him go” line.

    My ex tried that on me. A few hours before I told her we were getting divorced, she e-mailed me about how she was “weak” and “couldn’t let go” of her AP, who she’d seen the previous night. She was still using her playbook from 5 months earlier, back when I believed it was my duty to stand by her because she was “going through something.”

    Needless to say, she was quite surprised when I came home three hours later from work, to her hungover ass, and told her we were getting divorced. I ruined her plan! Her plan was to keep playing the “woe is me” card, stringing along her chump husband to “support” her while she fucked another dude–warm and cuddly from me, hot and heavy from him. And now here I was, cutting out months of cake that she’d planned on eating. How DARE I stand up for myself! How insensitive of me to stop putting her first!

    Throughout the divorce, she kept at it — sending me random notifications about her mental state…which she was using to justify her behavior…and all the time insisting that she “never intended” to get divorced.

    But that’s the point, dear ex wife! You NEVER intended to get divorce, or to end the affair. Your intention was to keep playing sad, confused, lost little wife with me…and then go off and mount your colleague, also telling him how “confused” you were.

    Sad and Broken, your husband isn’t sad. He just knows how to play you (and apparently, the OW is trying to play you, too).

    • Cheaters don’t feel real emotions; they are like space aliens, trying to mimic what they perceive to be feelings. I am sad. Beep. I am depressed. Beep. I “love” you .Beep. I “love” you both. Beep. Do these jeans make me look fat? Beep. I love our kids. Beep.

      In the meantime, our sorrow is flowing like blood. Of course, that’s not what is important because our feelings don’t matter. We are nothing more than kibble dispensers. We are bit players in the opus that in the cheater’s life, no matter how many years we have been married or how much we have sacrificed to stay in the relationship. And there is OW, ready and willing to take on the role of loving wife. I think if most OW knew what was in store for them, they would run for the hills!

      When cheater X and OW were caught, the first question out of her mouth was whether our marriage was going to survive. She had already started divorce proceedings and was ready to jump on the gravy train. Boy was she surprised when X dumped her, after I kicked him out! See, he was using her as much as she was using him. Once she started having “needs”, he no longer found her attractive. It was one of the very few things that gave me satisfaction-watching her attempt to portray herself as the one “victimized” (her words) by the relationship with my X. Poor her, painted with the scarlet letter with no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Ain’t karma a bitch… The future definitely is not bright for anyone who knowingly hooks up with a married man. Why? Because they are not going to matter to the cheater any more than the prior spouse did. Cheaters do not feel real emotions.

      • Why would your ex want some skank with baggage when he could now (since you divorced) pursue decent, single, successful women that would not have given him the time of day while he was married. So many OW get dumped after the man becomes single again due to the guy thinking they can do better.

        • LOL
          This makes me happy! As does my X getting dumped by neighbor Whore, because “After I break up their relationship, I don’t want them anymore”.
          How can they even look in the mirror?

  • This goes out to the whore the gigolo is fucking. Don’t for a second fancy urself superior, ur just the flavor of the month. Trust me if he is still fucking his wife and u at the same time it’s not love it’s a horny fucker getting his thrills. U r part of his polygamy fantasy, maybe u should all live in a commune since he refuses to pick just one. In time there will be a third and a forth chump living in the shadow of this ‘great man’. Earth to skank…he did this to someone he shared a life with 20 years, so exactly who do u think u r miss twinkle toes? Lol

    • YES^^^!

      My ex wife cheated on every boyfriend she ever had…and then cheated on me.
      Her AP cheated on every girlfriend he ever had…and then cheated on his wife.

      Cheaters cheat. It’s not a matter of “if.” It’s a matter of “when.”

      And the OW reading this will be cheated on eventually…if she doesn’t cheat herself first!

      What class, all around! You all must be very proud.

  • Dear Sad, please be strong and file for divorce. I did, and my Husband left his mistress, and now almost 3 years out we are doing very well together. If he really wants you, he’ll break free of his obsession with her. If he doesn’t , you will be moving forward with your life, and get out of limbo. It really is a sickness or perversion in these men. The OW are a conniving manipulators, obsessed with WINNING their prize. Obviously if she wants you to read chump lady, she’s playing a chess match with you. Stop the madness! My H’s OW filed for divorce and tried to force him to do the same. He just stayed with me using excuses to her that he was staying for the children. When I filed, and got strong, he came running back with his tail between his legs. They love the attention from both women. Before I found CL, I tried so hard to be sexier, crazier in bed, happier, sweeter, ect. playing that dumb ass pick me dance. Chump lady empowered me to realize my value. I matter! He was nothing more than a self centered Cheater. I filed for divorce, went no contact,( which left him with her every day without the fun of the secret affair). When I did, He came home, begged my forgiveness, and left her. I followed CL’s advice, made him get his own counceling, own up that it was all his problem, and the almighty postnup. Can I say it was easy, God NO! It was so difficult for at least the first 1.5 yrs. He had to bare my anger, and crazy behavior on occasion. Now after almost 3 years, I’m just starting to trust him, and he’s back to himself, and I’m back to myself too. As for the OW, she still lurks at the hospital we work at. Just 2 weeks ago she changed jobs for the 5th time, so she could walk through the hall we work at. She’s obsessed with him. She really is sick, and your OW sound exactly the same. Crazed for a man that she really doesn’t know but in a fantasy land. If your husband isn’t willing to leave this OW, you have to let him go. He’s not worth it! And he really would leave you eventually anyway. You hold the cards right now in the courts. Remember, You are a valuable person! He is a disgusting, sick ass cheater! Go get a lawyer, and file. It will be hard, but again, if he really loves you, he’ll set that bitch out to pasture, where she belongs, if not she’s just getting MR. CHEATER PANTS, who will tire of her too, and you’ll be free of his crap.

    • Wow, that’s quite a story! I’m glad that you stood up for yourself. In the end, it doesn’t matter where the “cheater chips” fall; the important thing is to stiffen your spine. I’m glad that you ended up with your desired outcome, and I hope he keeps up the good behavior!

    • Boundaries.. mighty boundaries. Great story. The pick me dance is the one thing that does NOT work. I wish I had kicked my cake eating Husband out a lot earlier. Once I did, I forced the issue, got all the way to the end, signed the damn papers.. then he found jesus. By then the OW was long gone.. whatever it was. I doubt it was ever serious.. but whatever “confusion” he had dissipated once consequences got real. He was living in an apartment alone. Money was tight. Dating on match.com unsatisfying, etc. The old GRASS ain’t greener syndrome.

      I still don’t know if we will make it, we may not. But one thing I’ve learned through all this is boundaries are incredibly important. Being willing to stand your ground is rule #1. It runs contrary because often cheaters are blameshifting and gaslighting.. so you go into “fix it” mode, trying to do everything to please them.. but the problem isn’t YOU. It’s THEM.

      Best thing to do is back away and NO contact. If it’s meant to be, they will come back.

    • Be careful. Very,very careful. I thought my husband had repented of his strippers,porn etc. Of course no actual intercourse according to him. He had regained the whole family’s trust by the the time he was busted over 10 years later. This time the filth had been going on a minimum of 4years . We suspect it had never really stopped just progressed. He had progressed to leading a double life supporting a prostitute & her kids,taking them places,”giving the kids a better life” while we thought he was always working. He was involved at church,did the right things, so we stopped policing him. We ignored signs,especially me, because I obviously was over reacting because of his past. He burned through retirement money,a whole life insurance policy that had cash value,used my charge cards for cash advances,our home equity line of credit and his business. Of course the strippers” all liked him”. Pathetic. Two years later,waiting for the divorce to be finalized,he still doesn’t understand why our kids & I didn’t just rescue him from the prostitute he was supporting, oops, he said she was blackmailing him,and go back to our normal lives. Instead we all were dumbfounded that he had fooled us even worse,had the audacity to decide that it was never going to happen again. Cheaters get better at cheating. Keep an eye on finances. Good luck.

  • Sad and Broken,

    “My husband is depressed… I want to see him happy again. I have let them both know that I will accept her as a mistress.”

    I don’t know if I have ever heard sadder words. Your husband may be depressed…but that is NEVER an excuse to have an affair.

    Please, please recognize your worth. Kick his sorry, lying, cheating ass to the curb.

    You may not realize it, but you deserve better. And ANY day without a cheater is better!!

    I had 30 years invested in my cheater, and I plan to have about 30 more living cheater free!!!

    Take CL’s advice…it will save your life.

  • It’s pretty surreal to read that letter because I can remember when I felt like that, like my husband and I had such a deep connection, 20 years of life built together, I thought we loved each other soooooooo much.

    It was fog, pure and simple. Desperate, hopeless fog.

    Now I look back on that and just think “ew yuck.” Gross barf nasty ew yuck.

    Lady, the only treatment for what you got right now is no contact. NO CONTACT. Until the fog clears and you can maintain a safe level of ew yuck.

  • Kick his ass out of your home, your bed, your life. File for divorce and go no contact immediately. Then see what kind of deep emotional connection you have. My bet is he goes straight from self pity and charm to rage. Plan for this.

  • Sad and broken,

    You sound quite co-dependant on your husband. What makes you love him soooo much. It is not healthy to not be able to let someone go who treats you so badly. Please, if anything, think of the message you are sending to your children. You should never let anyone treat you so poorly.

    Give the OW what she wants. Send him to her ASAP. You’ll be ok… Of course, he’ll come back to you several times when things aren’t going well with OW and he will be hard to resist. (Puke, puke). He knows how to press your buttons.

    Sadly, it’s all an act. Your husband does not love you. He loves that he can do whatever he wants while you take care of all the day-to-day problems without expecting much. Who would want to leave that? But sadly, it’s not you. Yes, you are a chump right now but you don’t have to stay one.

    Please consider a therapist for yourself. I think some time working on yourself is necessary to gain some security about yourself.

    I’m not religious so I don’t pray but for you I will pray. Run Forest, run!

  • Here is a thought for OW. He is only using you. You see him from time to time. Big deal! Don’t you wonder who else he sees? He could have ” chosen” you at any point. He didn’t.

  • My husband loves me
    My husband loves the OW.
    My husband tells me he wants to be with both of us and tells her I can’t leave my wife.
    The OW tells you to leave a cheater and gain a life.
    The Ow wants to gain a cheater and loose the wife.
    Wife is willing to keep a cheater and accept the OW.

    Sad and Broken, it’s no wonder your life has been hell. You have three children and are willing to humiliate yourself, risk getting a STD, and welcome this woman into your marriage because it makes HIM happy?

    I never understood the cat fights girls used to have over guys in middle school. As adults we choose a partner who shares our values and protects and loves his family. Mine never did. He cheated again and again. And I fought like hell to keep him and won until I finally had enough.

    It’s one thing to be in denial, but acceptance? I have to agree with the OW on this one. She obviously has no boundaries as she crossed the slunT line for the win. Or so she thinks. Your in the right place. Nice of her to network with chumps to get you out your way.

    And what about the guy who doesn’t mind crossing the state line a few times a year, but wants to keep every aspect of his life the same? It’s not that I don’t love you honey, I just love to fuck her quarterly.
    Sad, leave the asshole, hire a lawyer and divorce the asshole.

  • Dear Sad:

    Unfortunately, every time you threaten divorce and do not follow through, you’re telling your cheating husband that you aren’t serious. In fact, in his mind, you’re telling him that it’s okay to cheat, that your anger is only temporary.

    The only way to see if he’s serious is to file. Then be prepared to follow through. This starts out hard and gets easier, as you start to see that he’s really not that interested in how you feel. It’s clear that you love and respect him. It’s equally clear that he neither loves nor respects you.

    Read up on real remorse. It’s not happening here.

    And sure, the OW may have directed you here. She thinks she’s special. Yeah. Right. She’s just a side-piece, hoping you’ll see the light so that you divorce your husband so he’ll marry her. Now, let’s think about this for a bit.

    OW is fucking your husband. OW is a side-piece. It’s all about sex, oh, and money. Yes, your husband has to spend money on her so that she feels that it’s not just sex, even though it really is about sex. Of course, you could argue that she’s a whore, as he has to keep spending money on her lest she leave him.

    Now, remember that she wants to marry your husband, but your husband doesn’t want to divorce you. Why? Because it’s expensive. He’ll also lose face. It’s hard to be a virtuous man when people know you’re a cheater. He also knows that you don’t want to divorce him.

    So from his point of view, this is a GREAT situation. He gets sex from Schmoopie, and from you, but he also gets respectability from you. Also, he won’t have to pay child support, lose a lot of his retirement, etc.

    File. If he marries Schmoopie (and he may very well do so), then they deserve each other. Remember, the man who marries his mistress creates a job opening.

    You? You’ll be free to live your life authentically and, if the situation presents itself, find someone who’ll love you faithfully and well.

    • Excellent analysis of all of the reasons why a cheater wants to stay married, kb! It’s so hard for us chumps to accept, but the truth is that they want to stay married for two reasons: image management and money. I know it’s hard to think about, Sad, but this is so very true:

      “So from his point of view, this is a GREAT situation. He gets sex from Schmoopie, and from you, but he also gets respectability from you. Also, he won’t have to pay child support, lose a lot of his retirement, etc.”

      After I finally left, STBX begged me to stay married–we would have separate residences and he would discreetly continue his dalliances on the side and keep supporting me, in exchange for me sticking to his cover story about my house being some sort of part-time “get away” place. Win win! For him, of course.

      Once I filed, the mask came off and his true colors came out with a vengeance–he first tried, without success, to get full placement of our only child still at home so that he wouldn’t have to pay child support, now he’s trying to screw me over in the settlement with a ridiculous offer that the judge has already indicated is a non-starter.

      Sad, you also won’t know your husband’s true colors until you file. Don’t tell him your plans, but first meet with a few of the best attorneys around (consulting with them means H can’t hire them even if you don’t), get a solid understanding of your legal rights, and then file. When the mask comes off–and it will–you will find it much easier to move on and focus on your own life, not his.

  • OW directed our ever suffering chump here so that she can read the responses and feel important.
    I had this pet theory (for a while that some affairs require triangulation to add the drama and emotional kibbles. It turns out that more reading on the subject reveals this is classic behaviour of the ‘covert narcissist’

    Do as Tracey says.

    Note to Tracey
    In Australia all our Kelpies ( sheep dogs ) can do quadratic equations. What are you doing wrong?

  • ‘ing’ – love that comment! If anybody knows their Kelpies, it’s the Aussies.
    They definitely know how to do the equations.

  • I can’t find it here but there is an annual Parade in a busy city and there are 3 Aussie’s herding about 500 sheep through the crowded street magnificently. Great video if anybody can find it.

    Personally, I’m not sure if I can live with a dog smarter than me. 🙂 Thus, Great Danes. Which also know a thing about a thing or two!

  • Just for the record, Sad. I loved my H more than anything in the world. We did everything together, best friends, soo much history (36 yrs) and I couldn’t imagine ourselves without each other. (no kids)
    Our future was so well planned!

    Not only was I shocked when he fell in love with another woman. He didn’t admit it – I found it, 2-1/2 yrs later, w/xbff. And, the moment he said he couldn’t ‘pick’ between me and her? Well, fuck it. That was it. I was in an Aussie dog competition after all! (no offense to smart cattle dogs)

    I was against a low-life and, since he thought he was in love (he admitted that much), he was free to go.

    I found C/L, C/N and divorced his ass faster than he could think not to sign off on all the charges I filed on him: Adultery. No boundaries. Woman in both my home and motorhome. First class trips with her. Well, you get the picture. He was in the GUILT phase (haha…so I got him there).
    Not that it made a difference in our 50/50 state, but if it came in front of a judge, they might look at the adultery and decide my monthly alimony. He was not thinking well.

    My point is – get mad and get going. I was shaking so bad I could hardly sign the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage. I totally took him off guard! It was great. I was always 2 or 3 steps ahead of him. Following him on GPS with the OW, when he said he was living alone and playing little games with him. (yes, it was fun).

    But, in the end. BECAUSE I filed so quickly, I got the upper hand and my divorce lawyer was a quarter what his cost. Get them when they are guilty and never ever reveal your hand on your plan going forward, nor the evidence you have collected.

    It will pull the rug from under their feet for a change.
    It can re-charge you.

    Best of luck. And blessings of all the things you deserve right now..

  • I said: “Not only was I shocked when he fell in love with another woman.”
    I meant to add that our huge extended family on both sides and all of our friends were equally shocked.
    He just sort of disappeared to everybody after that.
    But, I do have my alimony coming from his paycheck.

    Jeez – was that fling really worth it to him? He lives in a trailer I think.
    Nobody knows where.

    • “I meant to add that our huge extended family on both sides and all of our friends were equally shocked.
      He just sort of disappeared to everybody after that.”

      This happened in my situation too….

  • Just wanna say (chatty cathy tonight) that it’s nice to see the Aussies awake when I’m about to go to bed on the West coast of A. Everybody else in this country is sound asleep. Nice to get a fresh C/L post right out of the shoot on a Sunday night, instead of being the last to reply. awww.

  • What is it with these OWen??? I hate them all!!! I know our husbands are to blame because they shouldn’t be fooling around in the first place. But damn – knowingly going after a married man and trying to break up a marriage! And no the damn husbands are no better for allowing this kind of trash in the marriage and letting another women hurt a wife. Cheaters and OW/OM SUCK!!!!

    • Yep. To many, the ring on the finger means sh*t. If they want someone who’s taken, then they’ll get someone who’s taken, and the said taken person invites in all the madness.

  • Please remove yourself as the hypotenuse in this sick triangle. Let them chase after their superficial version of happiness and live YOUR life.

  • THIS is why the Doobie Brothers made a million fucking dollars with the hit “What a fool believes.” All us chumps listened to it and thought “I’m glad that’s not me!” We chumps are focused on the potential not the actual – we see what we want to see and not what is. I am not putting down Sad or anyone else. Discarding your last ounce of self-respect to show anyone else what you’re willing to do for the sake of their happiness is nothing more than painting “Welcome” on your back and lying down in front of the door. The only people who can make someone else change is called a manipulator; the manipulated one just can’t stand up for themselves (which is why they’re lying in front of a door). Sad, please don’t teach your children by example what a “happy” relationship is…

  • Well Sad and Broken, if you were expecting to get the usual insipid drivel you’d get on the more popular infidelity boards out there – telling you to ‘breath’ (sic), drink water and ‘journal’ (like writing is going to change your sorry ass situation) and claiming he’s ‘in the fog,’ you came to the wrong place.

    We don’t deal in fairy tales and back-patting here and won’t offer you a big heaping.helping of the Delusion Kool-Aid you’d get elsewhere so you can continue lying to yourself that he’s worth swallowing your pride and dignity.

    Because he ain’t worth it.

    You can keep swimming in delusion and telling yourself you have a ‘fantastic sex life’ with a lying, cheating piece of shit who can’t even be bothered to show you the respect most people give the common dung beetle, or you can open your eyes and stop playing the helpless fool.

    The OW is a worthless piece of shit, make no mistake. The only worthwhile thing she’s ever done is point you here. Other than that, she’s nothing more than a receptacle for your deadbeat husband.

    If you’re SMART, you’ll go to a lawyer and take this asshole to the cleaners.

    Otherwise, you can just keep expecting more of the same.

    Sitting around crying, wringing your hands and hoping the OW goes away is NOT a plan. It’s a pipe dream.

    Get going.

  • S&B,
    nothing new to tell you. Get yourself to an attorney. Take all of the evidence, even the stuff from the OW. Start naming names in your divorce decree because not only is your asshat directly abusing you, so is the skank he is fucking.

    I dunno….this may work in your favor financially. Once the ink is dry on the documents, tell every single person including her employer, church, neighbors, spouse, friends. Hell, create a FB page. It’s not slander if it’s true. Think scorched earth. This bitch needs to be put down.

    Second, the abuse heaped onto you by the creep you married has really messed with you. Please find a terrific IC to sort through this enormous betrayal. You and your kids deserve so much better.

  • If the separation is too hard to consider, tell yourself that you will get back together in the future when he has sorted out his mess, and do split as soon as possible. I don’t know about the details in your country, but other people have figured that out and explained it to you on this forum. Immediate separation is the only way to change things. Because people tend to take their routine for granted, after a few years they can’t even imagine what it would be like to live without their spouse / home / family. They need a taste of it.
    If they don’t realize after the separation that they have done a huge mistake for some ridiculous short-term enjoyment, then you know that you have lost nothing, you have just avoided wasting time in considerable pain. If they do realize, and beg you to take them back with proof of change, then you have lost nothing. In both cases, you win. Separation is a must.

  • Sad,

    There’s a reason the covert narcissist wants to stay and keep the whore. It’s all about power and control. They hide to keep their image intact. When I threw X out he was surprised. He expected me to fight for him and relive yet another pick me dance I filed for a divorce instead. The anger and rage came out the day he was served. Now he complains about the whore, her son, and dog. He’s been living with her for a year and a half, has never changed his address to hers, continues to cheat, and wants out and he has no place to go.

    It’s painful yet the best thing I ever did. Narcs only live themselves.

  • S&B, when you “accept” his affair you become a party to your own abuse. Love is actions not words, and by his actions he has made a decision and told you what he really thinks and who he really is all at once. We have all stood there staring into that black abyss, but you gotta jump honey, there’s nothing but destruction behind you. Scary as hell, I know. But before you jump, decide you’re getting out, retain a lawyer, see a counselor, know your rights, decide your options, make a plan, and then execute it. Become bad-ass. Get angry, for heaven’s sake, this is WRONG. You are so much better than this pitiful life you are trying to convince yourself you can lead.

    Frankly, it sounds to me like he is stalling you, perhaps waiting till the children are older or other events occur when it would be financially better for him to leave you. Maybe he has secret accounts he wants to build, will quit or change his job to earn less money in the future, or waiting for children to become adults to avoid child support, whatever. You wanna wait for that?

    Oh and how exactly is the AP contacting you to give you direction to infidelity websites? Block her! What is this, polygamy central? You are NOT friends, your husband I am sorry to say is NOT your friend, he is your abuser and manipulator. Go no contact with her and your “husband.” Grab your children (figuratively), figure out your options, and execute the plan. And don’t let them know ahead of time. He doesn’t care about you, he obviously does not care about his children.

    Fight for the future of your children, consider filing for fault divorce if you can, threaten to depose the AP and name her as a party if you can, ask your attorney about the possibility of forcing your “husband” to answer interrogatories requiring him to outline all affairs, sex acts, dates and places, marital assets spent, whether condoms were used, etc, all under oath and with the risk of perjury if he lies (it’s really hard to lie in this age of cell phone, EZPass, and other electronic records and to see the cheaters squirm when they are threatened with having to answer these questions).

    If you stay, in 5 or 10 or 15 years, there is a very good chance your husband will finally leave you anyhow. Ask me how I know. Get out on your own NOW, while you can, while you’re young, with your plan in place, and before he completely destroys your finances, your future, and your heart and soul. Godspeed.

  • Sad & broken , to begin with she is as sick as him. He doesn’t love her,
    he doesn’t love anybody. The whore already
    read the CL blog where we talked about AP & Cheaters in black and white so she know her “ranking”‘ she is at the
    button of the food chain lower, low, low , low… Once the divorce is done print this part so she
    can see how much “love” we
    have for them. Tell her to read the Karma bus! Do not give up! I am in transition too and I feel stronger while I am doing my exit plan. He does not know that I know and when the time comes. Both of them will be surprise once I step in the lawyer’s office it’s for filing the more I read this blog the stronger I get. Please read chump lady and visit your doctor. That’s what I did first. One more thing try to smile once you feel better. My cheaters hates when I feel “happy” . ” Why are you smiling?” psychos, narcs.

  • Sad, be careful if you decide to leave him. He isn’t lying when he says he doesn’t want a divorce. He will get ugly. He won’t go easy but he’ll keep telling the OW he can’t leave because it will hurt you too much. Liars, they lie. Jedi Hugs.

    OW, you are an asshole of the worst kind.

  • So, she allows the cheating to continue to make her husband happy? What else is she willing to allow? Where do you draw the line?

    What if he insisted on screaming the OW’s name out during sex with the wife? Would she allow that? What if he decided to collect 10,485 cats and have them all live in the house? What if he wanted her to drive the get-away car while he robbed a liquor store? What if he wanted her to enslave small children, have them make lingerie for the OW in a little sweat-shop in the garage? Seriously, are there limits at all to what this Chump will do to keep her “husband” happy?

    I’m not knocking her personally. She sounds like she’s been rather effectively brainwashed. It’s just so tragically sad that she doesn’t see how completely screwed up this arrangement is. What if she had similar demands for Cheaterpants? I wonder how that’d go over.

    It’s easy to think you can “love them through it” and show them you’re the better option because, truth be told, most Chumps are really good at love. That’s what makes us easy targets. Bottom line: There shouldn’t be another option. Not after you’ve vowed otherwise. Run far and fast, Sad! You have damaged yourself enough. This man isn’t the kind of husband you’d want your son to be or your daughter to marry.

  • Dear Sad and Broken,

    Reading your letter made my heart ache for you. What a terrible situation to be in. Your husband’s OW sent you here so that we could convince you to leave your husband, then she could claim her “prize”.

    It seems you are fighting reality with all your might just as I was when I first came here. Reality can suck at times, but there is no getting around facts and the truth. Your husband made a decision to taint your family and your marriage. It didn’t “just happen”, when he decided to start an affair, he did so knowing that he was married to a woman who obviously valued him and what you’ve built together. He knew that and did it anyway. He knew he was the only father your children would ever have and he choose to give them a father who is a lying, self-centered cheater. That is the legacy he’ll hand down to them and he can never take that back. It’s done. As much as you value and love him, it is not reciprocal. Words mean nothing – actions speak loud and clear.

    Here is a question to ask yourself: if this woman lived in the same town as you, and your husband had unlimited access to her, do you think allowing him to have her as a mistress would be palatable to you? I think the fact that distance prevents them from being more involved makes this easier for you to accept.

    Seems you’re working really hard to manage a situation which you had no hand in creating. It’s not yours to fix. What I find appalling is this: this man that you love so deeply and claim a deep connection with is FLAUNTING the fact that he has no loyalty to you, he doesn’t care about your pain, and that he doesn’t value your children’s well-being. I can’t imagine how you even look at him let alone allow him to touch you. “Soul rape” is the perfect expression.

    I think you are doing everything you can not to admit all of this to yourself because then you will have to act. It’s very understandable. But living in denial will never change the facts.

    I suggest that you take all of that pure love you have for him and give it to yourself. You are the one who deserves it, not him. Then get busy preparing for the worst – because it will come. A man who will cheat on you physically and emotionally will certainly cheat on you financially. If he doesn’t care about your heart, don’t expect him to care about your financial well-being in the future.

    He’s telling you plainly that “he can’t let her go”. I’ll bet if push comes to shove, he will be able to let you go. Take care of yourself first.

  • Took me a really long time to wrap my head around what asswipe did after thirty years but divorce next month (it was delayed) my head is in the right place hearts gonna take a long time. Asswipe still wants both of us can’t make up his mind. I did it for him I made up my mind. I’m moving hours from here and never looking back. Run girl better to be by yourself than put up with an asshole who acts five years old and wants all the candy in the bowl. 58 year old baby the whore can have the prize. Me I’m done.

  • Sad & Broken:

    “I cannot let him go.”

    Poop should be flushed down the toilet, not hung on to for sentimental reasons. Flush him; he’s poop.

    Regarding the OW, I will not even address her here, she doesn’t even deserve a “f*ck off” comment, IMO.

  • Lets be honest…. The OW is doing her a solid. I mean she could have sent her to any site to keep her tra- la -la la ing along while the OW used the information here to own advantage. Coaching the husband on what to do.. How to secure his assests… Hide money… Etc. Instead she gave the wife a fighting chance. Maybe?
    Maybe the OW has a plan. Different than you think. Maybe she is slighted by this guy and has plans to dump his ass… Mr Wonderful doesnt know that yet… And she decided the wife needed a leg up… Or help her crush MrWonderful. Who knows!
    The only thing I say the OW would benefit from at this site is helping the husband secure his assests. Instead she is encouraging the wife to go into stealth mode and divorce his ass.
    And if her intents are to get the wife to leave so she can have Mr Wonderful… This would be the first time I salute the OW!

    • Yes. Chocolates and flowers to the OW for saving the chump from:

      “You know what is worse than losing a man who doesn’t love you? Losing years of your precious life to a man who doesn’t love you.”

      Oh heck, help me out, I forgot who I copied this quote from.

  • He can’t let the OW go? No. The problem here is that YOU can’t let your cheating husband go.

    Respect yourself. If you don’t, he never will, and you will get burned when he finally does one of the following:
    – leave your ass for this OW or another
    – spend your marital money
    – bring home an STD
    – conceive a love child with her
    – be conveniently unavailable when you actually need him, like if you get really sick or have a death in the family

    • OP: This is spot on. He is with you now because he gets to eat fun fun cake. As soon as you have a serious need – get sick, have a serious issue with a child, whatever – he is likely to leave you for the other woman because it is no longer as useful or fun to be with you. Then you will not only have the pain of the breakup to deal with, but anger at yourself for having stuck around and gotten burned. Don’t wait around for this.

  • Sad and Broken, it’s going to hurt like hell either way. Better to amputate now and save your life than not and die a slow death. Once you make that decision all else will follow, even the things you think that might not work out, will. Whether you’d like to admit it or not, your marriage is over. It’s been over. If you are staying to compete for this loser than you’ve already lost. You’re just going to lose a bit more each day. Sorry, you’ve lost this battle but you can still win the war. Did I say it’s going to hurt like hell? It is.

    Let these scumbags have each other. Believe me he’s no prize! You deserve better. The fact that she communicates with you direct shows her disregard for you, on top of sleeping with your husband. She is directly disrespecting you now. Why stand for that? 20 years is a long time and hard to cut your loses. But it’s already down the drain, you just refuse to accept that. You must. Otherwise you’ll die that long slow death indefinitely. Cut it off now so you can start healing.

    Amputate!!!

  • Listen to Chump Lady. Today’s post was ‘tough love’.

    Honey, we’ve all been there. Your spouse has changed the rules of your relationship. You thought you were monogamous but he decided something different. That’s what he wants, so that’s what he gets. This tweak was necessary because he is depressed? I call bullshit.

    At the heart of this is the sad fact that your husband does not love or respect you. It is very clear to us because someone who loves and respects you does not cheat. That person seeks a solution to their depression or other issues that is adult, that is healthy – like therapy or getting a dog to walk.

    Someone very wise said – “You can love someone, but that doesn’t mean you can make a life with someone”. Time to make a change. It will hurt like hell in the beginning, but I promise it will get much better.

    Please get some therapy and talk to a lawyer.

    P.S. OW#2 out-manipulated my EX and successfully blew my life up. I got my life back but she lost my EX.

  • How far does he need to push? What will it take? The boundary is moving, further and further away…

    An abnormal pap smear?
    Finding her panties in your laundry? In your car?
    Him paying for her ticket and another room when you go on vacation together?
    Him taking calls from her in front of you?
    Finding a due date calculator in his web history?
    Getting the mail and finding a family court summons for her new baby?

    Where are your boundaries for YOU?

  • During pseudo-reconciliation, while unemployed with young children (and thus financially afraid), I told my husband that he could keep a mistress, mistresses, boyfriends, etc. I didn’t realize that I was on a slippery slope. STBX’s behavior got worse and worse. A month later, he called the cops and brought them to our home to have me apprehended for felonies I did not commit. A couple of days later, he filed for divorce and, in court, accused me of committing other felonies so that I would never get to see our children. What a kick in the teeth. Is this what you want?

    I am still tremendously underemployed and getting financially poorer, but I am now the primary physical custodian of our kids and my life overall is a thousand times better!

  • Sad and Broken. Maybe I can add something here. I was at year 15 in marriage when I found out about affair number 1. I decided to stay and he said, “We will work on our marriage”. No he still sat around waiting for me to feet him kibbles and he put me down because he was not feeling wonderful and “king”. Move forward 17 year later. He is in number 2 affair. (I do believe there were others in-between). Now he has a 32 year old in NYC. He says he wants out, I file for divorce because that way it was not him. I would not tolerate one more day let alone more years. NYC girl leaves him because he will not marry her. Kibble eaters never want to part with their money. Sad and Broken I do not believe you can fix this, get out. I believe in marriage commitment more than I can express here. You need someone to love you. This is a one way relationship like it is always with Narcs. I am so sorry you are going to have to make a really hard choice durning the holidays. CL does write the truth. How do I know? Because I lived it. You need to know the statistics on Nacrs. less than 5% change. Not much hope there is there? Blessings

    • I say Fuck You to ALL other women. You are bigger morons than any chump could ever be. Lol. You choose a known, lying cheater. Who in their right mind does that???

        • In my case, the OWife claims that her first husband cheated on her. How lovely of her to inflict that familiar pain on someone else. So, the question “who in their right mind” takes up with a known cheater is, indeed, a good one. My only guess is the very disordered, pathetic, and insecure – someone that is a complete basket case and is looking for the “win” to validate their self worth. If her actions, coupled with my coward XH, hadn’t destroyed the life I built for 18 years, I would actually have pitied her.

          • Asswipes whore was cheated on by two husbands and claimed she was the best wife anybody would ever have. Well asswioe cheated on her too. Stupid bitch. What did she think.

            • Kar Marie, She definitely deserved to be cheated on again. I think they call these whores “spider women” – so wounded that they only feel relief by destroying others – that’s some broken shit.

    • BUT ANITA!!!! he wasnt lying or cheating on her!! he was just sad and his wife was so mean. and he didnt think he loved his wife anymore and his wife was making him feel bad. … … .. the other woman knows she will treat him much better and make him happy. it is not her fault that the wife cant keep her man

      HA! i dont know how they believe the bullshit stories he tells her. but since i told her the truth (and she went thru all our facebook pictures) the Troll KNEW better. she just did not care that she was breaking up our family and taking a father away from his kids. after all, kids are resilient dontcha know and it was all my fault anyway.

      and now they are happy. some people just dont care what destruction they leave behind them. they have no consensus and live happily ever after. i hope they end up homeless and broke but now they live in a nicer house then me and have more money since neither of them pay support for their kids. FUCKERS!!

      i have to remind myself that i could be like that too, if i lived like they did. unfortuantly, i was raise with and have morals.

  • I feel for you Sad and Broken. When I first found out about my husbands cheating I tried for over a year to rationalize his behavior. Oh how I wish I were like some of the other chumps here that kicked him to the curb as soon as I found out, but I’m among the chumpiest of the chumps, and it sounds like you are too! My stbxh was found out, professed that he was sorry, went to counseling with me, reconnected with the ow, continued (lying) in counseling, sitting with a dumb look on his face as I poured out my pain, but tried to tell me I needed to claim my share of our marital problems. All the while I was telling myself (and him) that he must be having a nervous breakdown… that he didn’t understand what he was doing. I even told him “this is not who you are”… and I believed it at the time.

    The spell was broken a couple months after I found Chump Lady. I read about cheater behavior, and soon began watching stbxh closely. Once I discovered for myself that he wasn’t “special,” that he was just a disordered, entitled man-child, I couldn’t see him any other way; the pieces finally fell into place. I later found out that he’d been cheating for most of our 30 year marriage!

    I suspect the ow directed you to CL because she sees herself as a special kind of cheater; she’s read all about cheater behavior, but see’s her circumstances as unique, or more complex that those of a typical cheater. She did you an enormous favor!!! Keep reading CL, soak up every word, and then observe your husbands behavior. Soon you’ll see things more clearly, and hopefully be able to move forward. It took me a while to move forward. I’d built a pretty strong mental model of our marriage, and every decision over the previous 30 years had only strengthened it, but like a dam, once a few holes were poked it all came down. At the time I felt like I was drowning, but now I’m learning to swim.

    Take care of yourself, read CL, and find some moral support through family and/or therapy. It’s a tough ordeal, but you deserve so much more!

    • oh the “this is not who you are”.. i struggled with that for a long time. it was the hardest thing for me to deal with that yes “this IS who he is” and that is why we had our trouble. i used to believe it too. i used to think that our trouble was just what every normal married people go thru but nope, it was much more then that. i just refused to see it.

      now my eyes are wide open. i know what he is and it STILL kills me. but i dont think about it anymore. i just do what i need to do. taking care of the kids and house and job.

      one day at a time. without all his FOO issues and borderline passive aggressivness. life is more peaceful. the troubles are still there but at least i am not being mind fucked every day so i can focus and deal with them like a normal adult.

  • OK Sad and Broken, so you’re here now.
    I really don’t care how you got here, for me it was by chance the same night as D-day and as I read Tracy’s blog posts I learned a lot.

    Among the things I learned is that my husband was treating me like crap and that I needed to value myself. I also needed to model better behavior to my children lest they thing they deserve to be treated like he was treating me. That was what pushed me over the edge or stay or go.

    If you choose to stay you will always wonder. If you choose to go it will be hard, possibly one of the hardest things you will ever do but it will be life on your terms where your children see you stand up for yourself and refuse to be, pardon me, treated like crap. Know your worth, Sad and Broken. It is more than this.

  • So Sad, take your fork and go get happy!

    Lawyer up, get ‘move asshole out’ orders from the court, lean on your real friends and us – Chump Nation and Tracy – talk to a counselor if you need more help, educate yourself about what you are dealing with – an entitled, disordered, soul sucking vampire, take really good care of yourself, and know that soon you will be clear of the fog he keeps you in and that you will be able to see what is really going on.

    You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Trust me, and us, once you remove your stabilizing, normal presence from his life the whole sick situation will blow up in his face. These inhuman monsters feed on drama and chaos, true, but they need a chump to keep it all together for them and make them look normal to the world …they think they are so wonderful and awesome we can’t live without them…delusional drama queens all of em.

    We actually do very well without all the childish bullshit they want us to live with. Maturity is hard for these little brats. You will feel so much better without all the anguish, I promise.

    {{{HUGS}}} and strength to get you goin down the road to MEH!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! AND YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU DID!!!!!

  • Sad & Broken: You are the architect of the rest of your life. I divorced my H of 19 years after discovering his cheating, and I am now alternately angry and sad (mostly angry), but not broken. You don’t have to be broken.

    Furthermore, to borrow something Chris said the other day, your H now has a 2-1 advantage in your marriage; he has someone else in his corner that he can use to tip the power differential in his favor, over and over and over again. Imagine you have a need in the future; he can simply say that the alternative–the OW–has no needs and run off with her.

    YOU take charge. You can do this.

  • I’m sorry Sad and Broken but this life you have cannot be sustained because it will devour your soul. The second this man stuck his dick in another woman he LEFT you. End of story. It’s been the end of all our stories on this blog.
    At Dday I realized that I had a fake life and a fake marriage and was married to a FAKE man. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING was real I realized. It was like navigating a ship with a false map. I burned every single picture, every single mushy lovey dovey card he gave me over the years, EVERY single every thing.

    I just wish I had known at the time of my nervous breakdown how MUCH better I would be someday without his lying, deceiving, cheating ass. That there are good people out there that can love us the way we need to be loved. I had all but given up on that aspect of my life for years after that huge betrayal from FuckFace. I’m in love again for the first time in years with a REAL man and he’s a zillion times the man that POS was. At some point I had to believe that not all men were like this cardboard cut out fake person was. Whew. Good Luck Sad. You’ll get there someday.

    • “It was like navigating a ship with a false map”

      Syringa, you nailed this. Everything is off, but you can’t figure out how or why, and you think it’s you, but it’s not, it’s him. And only once we leave can we find our true North.

      • The Cheaters have an agenda- it’s to keep you in the dark. So condescending, to treat your spouse like an underling, and how dare they make that decision, when it’s an adult, supposedly equal, relationship? Like a pat on the head, and ‘don’t you worry, everything is FINE’. Divorce is an ugly process, but at least it gets us away from that!

  • Sad and Broken,

    This is the time to listen to the experts. The marriage is going down and the only way to survive is to put your own oxygen mask on first. Get a lawyer, get a therapist, and get out.

    Do you know anyone living in a marriage wherein the husband has a mistress and the wife is happy about it? I don’t. You don’t appear to either. You seem to be hoping for a miracle–that your sacrifice will make him so happy that he abandons the mistress, that you’ll learn to love being treated poorly, that the mistress will drop dead of a whopping case of ego-mania. These things won’t happen. (Though we will all keep wishing that ego-mania were fatal).

    You can be happier and have a better life, but only by taking care of yourself. The hell around you will not evaporate–you have to start hauling yourself through it in order to get out of it.

    We are cheering for you. We want you to be happy. We don’t even know you, and we care more about your health and well-being than the man who married you. Please think hard about how much you and your kids deserve and take action.

  • You know what I’d do.. I think I’d email that whore back and say “You can have him sweet cheeks.. he’s ALL YOURS”. But don’t do that yet.. don’t do that until you:

    1. Contact a lawyer
    2. Get finances in order
    3. Make a plan

    Sad- there is ONLY ONE WAY to deal with a cake eater.. and that’s to take away the fork. In your particular case, I think I’d recommend sticking the fork up his hind side. Draw the boundary.. stand up for yourself, and remove yourself from the triangle. This might get his attention in a good way but if it doesn’t who the hell cares. He’s not peach. I know you love him but he’s mistreating you. Put stop to it.

    This is not an acceptable lifestyle.. watching him live with you and see her on the side. Let the trash have him. I bet once it’s easy and you’ve stopped pick me dancing, he’ll realize Ms. Trash really isn’t all that.. then he might be back in your face but then YOU will hold the cards. But don’t do it for that reason. Do it for your own survival.

    Detach Detach Detach

  • This just breaks my heart. Truly. To be in that awful state of limbo for so long, to know in the depths of your heart and soul that you truly deserve better yet can’t bear to make that final step to be “responsible” to end it all (he ended it long ago) is heart wrenching. And I understand the fear, the resistance to accept that a lifetime is lost and that you aren’t authentically being loved. But listen to your heart, S&B. Silence the noise for a moment and listen to your heart. You truly deserve reciprocated love, respect, honor and loyalty…TRUTH!! It will be a path full of unknowns and pain but there will be healing and freedom from all that is weighing you down.

    It breaks my heart that there are so many disordered people in this world that think they are entitled to literally shit on others to fulfill their own selfish and malicious “needs”.

    Sad and Broken, please honor yourself and leave. You deserve so much more in this world. And soon, you’ll be signing your name “Happy and Whole”. Promise. Chump Nation will be here to ensure it.

    Sending love.

    • Soulmate schmoopies is brilliant! It shows them what LOSERS they really are. Thanks Chump around. The upside to being cheated on is I have not had so many belly laughs in years. There’s something to be said for living to make it to the other side and laughing out loud. Hehe

  • Sad, if you won’t get out for yourself please do it for your kids.This is no way for them to live and they have to realize this behavior is unacceptable and NEVER should be tolerated. I’m so sorry but the connection you speak of is only an illusion. Also, your husband is NOT depressed. He is a big, spoiled rotten baby that is frustrated due to circumstances that he can’t be with his mistress and HIS illusion of their carefree, no responsibility lifestyle. God, let her have the pathetic weakling.

    • KB22 – when the X let himself really ‘go’, it went out the door with just simple hygiene (brushing teeth, combing hair, even showering before he started his day, no shaving) since he worked from home.

      Neighbors were tittering that he didn’t seem to be aging well.
      I was getting horrified!

      So – I definitely figured he was depressed!
      oh my, what do do what to do?

      But, as soon as he learned I was heading out of town he had packed his bags for a weekend trip, showered up, put on his $500 worth of different shirts he never wore for me – not work shirts – fun shirts, and left town in our “romantic bus”. Asshole.

      No – it was NOT depression. He just wanted to look ugly to me.

      And – hey – I’ll never forget that ugly look.

  • Just for OW:

    He picked you because he knew you wouldn’t say ‘no’. You were perceived as ‘easy’, ‘skanky’, not real picky to ‘do’ a married guy. He perceives you to have low self esteem, which you probably do, because women with self esteem don’t bang married guys.

    You are looking at a life where even if you marry, your lack of boundaries and respect for commitment will undermine every aspect of your life.

    Your kids if you have any will either imitate you and have the dire consequences you will soon see and be ‘on the side’ or hate you and you’ll die alone.

    You probably have a personality disorder.

    If you want to change, get into counseling and stop sleeping with married guys. You are seriously fucked up.

    Don’t think this is an isolated incident that will have no impact on your life. You are an airplane that is ‘augering in’: i.e. plunging towards earth nose first. These are not choices that bode well for the balance of your life, or your kids if you have them.

    You are happy ‘stealing’, ‘lying’ and ‘cheating’. Karma is real. The script you are writing for your life will be tragic.

    I can say this with authority as you are my Mother. She died alone. Her kids felt so much shame for what she did all her life – always with married men, no one came to her when she was dying. She had heaped so much crap and lies on us, we ignored her. Friends, the same. She would sleep with their husbands if she could.

    That will be you.

  • Thinking more about this. … S&B…at the time nowdeadhusband was cake eating and deciding who won the “pick me dance”, I was convinced with everything in me, with every fiber of my being, with everything I believed to be true that the WORST thing that could possibly happen on planet earth was for him to leave FOR HER. At the time I would have told you that a cancer diagnosis or dying parent would have been nothing compared to THAT. I believed it THAT much – NOTHING would budge me to throw his ass out knowing he would go to her.

    and now, years later, I realize I was totally wrong

    I shackled myself to a horrible person who thought nothing of bashing my heart to pieces

    I spent from ages 40-47 (years that might have been fun) connected to a mean selfish asshole

    I was so wrong…the worst thing that could have happened is that I allowed a man who didnt love me back to continue to abuse me.

    and the sweet man who I married 4 months ago…he was single for 12 years. I wish I could wind the clock back and have spent those 7 years in a real relationship with a decent person.

    I wish that I had left him to his own devices to marry “she who farted rainbows” because Im sure she would have turned out to be a grade-A bitch. I so totally get what you are feeling right now and it is so strong you cent even imagine feeling different, but you may very well.

  • “If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, then stop accepting crap and demand something more.” Cristina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy

    Sad, do you really want to accept a situation with a mistress? You know darn well this is not going to end well. You are settling. You are worth way more than that. Like everyone says here, throw him out. Please ask yourself why you think a piece of garbage is worth keeping? I’ve said it time and again – an investment yields returns. Your 20 years in your marriage is not an investment;it’s sunk cost. Don’t keep throwing good money after bad. Please get the hell out.

  • Sad and Broken, there’s so little of you in your letter, it’s like your fading away. Just a lot of what he wants and what you are willing to do to make him happy again. Please see that his ‘happiness’ is the short-term pleasure of the spoiled child getting what he wants. People like him can’t feel real happiness. That’s really sad, but it’s true. And when he is unhappy again, it will somehow be your fault, and you’ll disappear a little more trying to fix it. Please wipe the tears and the sparkle out of your eyes and really read the pain and truth and help CN has to offer.

  • If he can’t let her go, tell him to go to her. And tell her that she can have him. Love yourself more than you love him. Know your worth.

  • Sad, he may be depressed, but HE must fix that in order to live an authentic life. Not only are you unable to fix his problems, but he will never fix them himself if you continue to enable him to limp along dragging everyone into his misery like a black hole of unfulfillable need. You must leave him. He will only get better when his own pain exceeds his pleasure. By allowing his affair, you’re letting his pleasure exceed his pain and he will remain in a state of pathetic misery at YOUR expense as long as you let him do it. YOU must be the grown up. The one to make healthy choices. The one to show your children that when someone abuses your love, they go straight to the curb.

    Chump Lady is right, the two of you do not share a deep connection. Only you feel that. You know what he feels? A tingle in his dingle when he thinks about someone else.

    Stiffen your spine, free yourself from the destructive gloom that he expects you to live with, and save yourself. It’s too late for him.

  • The months after dday (when when my ex left me) and before being divorced were the worst months of my life. I loved my then-husband….who loved someone else. I was committed to being faithful and fulfilling my vows as long as we were married…and he was doing who knows what with his new girlfriend. It was an awful state of purgetory. From what I saw from a distance, he seemed blissfully happy with his new girlfriend, while I was weeping so hard I vomited and not sleeping and lacking all appetite.

    And when the divorce (that I had not wanted) was finalized….I felt free. I hadn’t wanted this path, but I did the best with the choices I had. Being legally shackled to a person who loved someone else was hell. The emotional connection slowly loosened over time as I began to understand I loved a hologram. Once I was finally able to accept he was not the person I thought he was, I began to realized things about the relationship and him that I hadn’t seen before. I loved the hologram. But it wasn’t the real him. The real him was capable of abandoning his wife out of the blue for someone he just fell in love with days or weeks before.

    S&B, you deserve better. You do. We all deserve better than this. And I truly believe that being alone and divorced is better than being married to someone who loves someone else. There is better out there on the other side… There is light at the end of the tunnel. You can do it!

    • The disordered are incapable of loving anyone, IMHO. They are illusions, “zombies” who can’t even love themselves (as this requires the human ability to recognize how your actions impact others and reciprocate and aren’t these “people” pretty clueless?).

      • Drew, it took me a while to actually accept that my ex experiences “love” in way different that I do. In the first weeks after dday, my therapist said he didn’t attach too deeply and it took some time for me to accept that. But how could I not? If he walked away with someone he hardly knew and “loved” her and he never looked back at me or our life together, I had to admit to myself that it must be true. For my ex, love seems to be more like how I see lust, and the physical sparks and new excitement seems to be of utmost importance.

        • I agree, NL. There is a huge disconnect between the brain and the heart with the Cluster Bs. Love is a thought – a concept – to them. It is not a FEELING. When you love with your heart, you can’t concieve of ever doing anything to hurt the one you love. These people tell themselves they “love” their spouses and think their actions have nothing to do with that. Their love is about as deep as a mud puddle.

  • You know what the almost-comical thing of this is? The OW is so delusional – obviously is so bereft of brain cells that she can’t read that the bottom line that CN views OW as pond scum. I guess that explains why she hasn’t opened her fat trap around here – she’d get punched in the mouth by most of us here.
    By the way, Sad, I can guaran-fucking-tee that if you served him divorce papers, his tune of ‘woe is me’ would change pretty fucking quickly. Cue the rage card.
    As for the narcissistic whore OW – I have two words for you. GROW UP. Here’s another two words for you: FUCK OFF. And a sentence for you: I hope Sad punches you in the face the first opportunity she gets – but I guess that would improve your looks, wouldn’t it?

  • Sad, I guess the best question is… what do YOU want!?!? Take a good long hard look at your life with your spouse and tell me it was beautiful instead of crap and why is there always a feeing of WANTING better. Even when you have it all, isn’t he always ruining your fun? Wasn’t there always something MISSING? You most likely did most of the work at home, with the kids, planning presents, holidays, special celebrations, right? as the years went by you began to feel badly, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? Has your spouse ever had your back, or is he growing more disengaged, depressed, absent, addicted? I lived with this for years, trying so hard to have a real family. Not knowing why My gut feeling was that it would never work. Life Didn’t happen till I gave him a divorce. Sad, get busy living.

  • The OW here. No I don’t want cheaterpants. I’m not that stupid. I just want to win. but she’s really pathetic… get over it!!! Still wanting someone who clearly doesn’t love her… throwing all her self respect away for this loser. He’s just not THAT special.

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