Dear Chump Lady,
I have been living with my husband having an affair for a year now. I love him deeply. We have a deep connection and companionship and a great sex life. We have been married for 20 years. 3 kids. I have been through hell. But he can’t let her go…
She is in a different state and they meet up every now and then. He can’t cut her off. And she doesn’t want to go away. He says he loves her but he can’t let me go.
He doesn’t want a divorce. I’ve threatened divorce but that doesn’t help. And I don’t really want a divorce. I love him so much. My husband is depressed… I want to see him happy again. I have let them both know that I will accept her as a mistress. That is the only way for me to have him and for him to be happy again. I cannot let him go. And now his mistress sent me to your website. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Sad and Broken
Dear Sad and Broken,
His mistress sent me to your website?! Oh for fuck’s sake. OW read here to learn what chumps wives are, so they can glean tips on how to get wives to leave cheaters? So then OW can have Mr. Wonderful all to herself? That’s rich.
If I wanted to encourage that demographic, I would start a new blog IdiotMistress.com or StupidShitSchoompiesSay.com — but what would be the point of giving advice to OW? The narcissistically clueless don’t need self reflection. I’d have better luck teaching my Australian shepherd to solve differential equations.
So, Sad, this advice goes out to you. Is Schmoopie married? Call her husband and let him know about the affair. Did she meet your husband at work? Let your lawyer know, so he can schedule some workplace depositions. I hear that gets settlement talks started. In other words, start raining the hot coals of consequences on their selfish little heads. Stop being an ever-loving CHUMP!
Demand a credit check on him. Open a separate account. Move half your money into it. Instead of threatening divorce, start making divorce ACTIONS. Tell him to move the hell out and tell the children why. “Daddy is having an affair and he won’t stop. I refuse to model this kind of dysfunction to you.”
But, but! You still love him! You still have great sex! You’d lose your 20-year investment! Cheaterpants might be depressed! And it’s your responsibility to Make Him Happy.
I promise you, Cheaterpants isn’t depressed — he’s delirious with cake — his marriage and his fuckbuddy. All the fun, none of the consequences! You start to get uppity? All he has to do is pout his pretty little lip, and you’ll back off. But Cheaterpants might be sad if Cheaterpants doesn’t get what he wants!
Stop behaving as if what Cheaterpants wants is of paramount importance. What about YOU? What about YOU going “through hell”? Does your misery matter? Why are you agreeing that his affair is acceptable to you when it’s clearly not? Do you think if you eat that shit sandwich it will just stop there? She’ll be the only OW? He’ll just keep his cheating to “every now and then”? (And what the hell does that mean? Cheating doesn’t take that much time? Neither does shooting yourself in the foot, but I’d hardly recommend it.)
I have been through hell. But he can’t let her go…
Of course he can. He just chooses not to.
He can’t cut her off.
Of course he can. He just chooses not to.
And she doesn’t want to go away.
Who gives a fuck what she wants? Your marriage isn’t between three people. She’s not a voting member. She’s not even Puerto Rico or Eleanor Holmes Norton. She’s a nobody. She’s kibble supply to that jerk you’re married to.
He says he loves her but he can’t let me go.
Of course he can, but he prefers cake.
You say “we share a deep connection.” You don’t. You love your husband and your husband loves your husband. Don’t you care if your husband loves you back? People who love you deeply CARE if you’re going through hell. Moreover, they aren’t the instrument of that hell. In fact, people who love you deeply don’t make you compete for their love. They don’t risk your health or your finances or your children’s home life. People who love you ACT like it.
Oh, and Mistress? If you’re reading this far, you need to read that last paragraph again too. People who love you don’t treat you like a side dish. And they don’t make you compete for their love, or make you feel compelled to send the competition to a “leave a cheater” blog. You ought to leave a cheater too, but you believe you’re Special. Best of luck with that. Whatever you suffer next is completely self-inflicted. I’d write more, but I have to go teach my dog algebra now.