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UBT: 7 Reasons Why Cheating Was Your Fault

fault2I always enjoy my mindfuckery when it’s wrapped up with Shutterstock photos to look like innocuous relationship advice. Double bonus points if it’s a parenting site. Oh thank you Parent Society for this craptacular piece of blameshifting — 7 Reasons Your Partner’s Affair May Have Been Your Fault.

Have you let yourself go? Do you not listen? Not as horny as you should be?

Well, don’t be surprised then when you find your spouse on Craigslist hook-ups courting all manner of STDs. I think you drove the cheater to it. Yes, you there in the sweatpants — I’m talking to YOU. Put down that pizza slice and look at me — you suck. And it’s your suckitude that creates the billion dollar married dating industry. It’s all driven by lousy people who take their spouses for granted, don’t understand them, and who don’t make pot roast correctly. (CELERY! I told you to add CELERY!)

One wrong step, people and it’s chumpdom for you. You better up your game!

Let’s put 7 Reasons Your Partner’s Affair May Have Been Your Fault through the patented Universal Bullshit Translator.

You’ve just discovered that your partner has been cheating on you. You are shocked. Devastated. Angry. And maybe to blame?

Only maybe?

There is no excuse for cheating, of course, but the betrayed spouse may well be part of the reason the marriage went off the rails in the first place. Are you guilty of any of the following?

Do you realize that sentence is completely contradictory? Do you have an editor at Parent Society? You state “there is no excuse for cheating” (of course!) and then immediately follow that with “the betrayed spouse may well be part of the reason the marriage went off the rails.” You can qualify it with “may be” all you want, but you’re clearly stating the chump is part of the reason for the cheating.

And that’s an excuse. HellOOOOooooo.

1. Letting yourself go.
Losing interest in your appearance and general well-being can happen, especially after the chaos and stress of kids enters a marriage. But this can also make your spouse lose interest in you.

As long as we’re blaming people, I’m glad to see you added kids to the mix. Speaking for myself, I know my midsection has never been the same since I pushed 7 pounds of baby back-asswards through my vagina. (Which probably isn’t as taut and lovely as it once was either, if we’re being honest.) Stretchmarks, squidginess. All the pilates in the world doesn’t make that right.

That must be it. I got cheated on 8 years after I had that kid, with some idiot that seemed to like my body enough to marry it. But apparently, I let myself go and that’s probably my kid’s fault. Okay.

My cheater, meanwhile, gained about 60 pounds of beer gut after we married, which didn’t seem to slow down his horn dogging whatsoever. Huh.

2. Taking your spouse for granted.
It’s often said that we treat strangers better than our own spouses. Sadly, this can be true — common courtesy, politeness, and even basics like “please” and “thank you” easily fall by the wayside during the grind of everyday life with a longtime partner.

I’m sure if you polled all 22 million members of Ashley Madison why they’re having affairs, the failure to say please and thank you tops the list, right after “my partner won’t do anal.” This is what happens when you don’t use basic courtesy, chumps — dating profiles. I can’t even imagine the horrors that might ensue if you don’t put your napkin in your lap or talk with your mouth full.

3. Directing your attentions elsewhere.
You may not be carrying on an affair like your partner is — but are you devoting all of your finite time and energy to your children, or your job, or maybe even caring for an ailing parent? In every marriage, there are outside factors competing for our attention all the time; that’s just the nature of life these days. But if either partner is neglected for too long (even if the reasons are valid), he or she may start to look elsewhere.

Yes, it’s all equivalent, really. Raising children, devoting yourself to your job… cheating. Hey, it’s energy directed away from the marriage! Raising children has to be done, because hey, you made them. And working a job is rather necessary to, oh, food and shelter. And carrying on an affair is necessary to… kibbles.

Is your mother dying? You need to tell her this isn’t a good time now. Your marriage needs you. “I’m sorry, mom. One wrong step and Bob’s going to be on Illicit Encounters! You’ll have to go to those chemo appointments alone. I need to keep vigil over my marriage. I knew you’d understand.”

4. No longer investing in the marriage.

“Investing” in your marriage need not mean a ton of time or money, but a healthy relationship requires some of each. When was the last time you had a dinner out together, or sat down for a fun TV-free talk, or locked the bedroom door for some private time while the kids were napping?

No longer investing in the marriage is what an affair is. But you’re saying my lack of investment created THEIR lack of investment? Huh? Then why I am I not having an affair? Oh that’s right… I’m too invested in my kids and my job and I let myself go.

5. Falling into the blame trap.
Does it feel like your partner can do nothing right these days? If you’re playing the martyr, your partner may have decided that he was done being the fall guy.

Yeah, no one likes to fuck mommy. (Well, unless you have a MILF kink.) That whole parentification dynamic is a real turn off. Oh, and you know how that happens to a marriage? One person is a perpetual fuck up and the other person has to pick up the slack and be the grown up. And they get pissy about it. BE A FUCKING GROWN UP!

And then because you’re such a buzz kill, that’s the pretext to have an affair. You’re no fun. You want to do taxes and laundry and shit.

6. Letting sex fall by the wayside.
You’re crazy busy, and tired, and stressed out — so is your partner, probably. But sex is the one thing you and your partner do together that makes that relationship different from all the others in your life. When it disappears, a big part of the marital bond does, too (and for men, especially, no sex = no fun).

The old sexless marriage trope. You know who finds themselves in sexless marriages? Chumps. Because the cheater is getting it elsewhere. Doing that “one thing you and your partner do together that makes that relationship different from all the others.” Except it’s not different or exclusive, it’s shared and then brought home. Wouldn’t you like some sloppy seconds or thirds? Or maybe they’re too tired for that. Poor sausages are exhausted by their fucking around.

7. No longer listening to your partner.

Sometimes in a marriage, we hear what we want to hear — and sometimes we don’t hear much of anything at all. Your partner may have been expressing unhappiness for a while now, either overtly or subtly. If the message just hasn’t been getting through, he may have decided to find a sympathetic listener — and more — somewhere else.

Ah, the subtle sounds of the unhappy cheater! It’s your fault that you weren’t receptive to their subtle expressions of disappointment. (CELERY damn it! Pot roast needs CELERY.) If you’d been better attuned to their unhappiness, this whole affair thing could’ve been avoided. So up your game now and make their happiness your supreme focus. Do the pick me dance and do it pretty. Ignore children, dying parents, and your job. Go to the gym and have more sex with your spouse. And don’t age, or have needs, or get distracted from your marriage. And you too can have an AFFAIR-PROOF marriage! Everyone who failed to do these 7 things is a chump and they deserved it. The cheating is their fault, really. Says so in the headline.

What’s really insidious about articles like this is they distort seemingly common sense relationship advice and turn it into exquisite blameshifting. The fact is, it’s cheaters who don’t invest in marriage, direct their attentions elsewhere, and don’t listen — but hey YOU DID IT FIRST. So it’s your fault and it’s all equivalent.

Your faults, flaws, and inadequacies did not cause your cheater to cheat. Their poor character did that. They had a big decision tree of available options to deal with their unhappiness — therapy, divorce lawyers, an improving hobby — and they didn’t choose those things. They chose cake. You weren’t so awful to divorce. You’re just awful enough to cheat on. Apparently, they’re simply blameless… and that’s why you didn’t cheat. Because they have no flaws or inadequacies. Okay, now that they’ve cheated, it’s STILL about you and your inadequacies.

Isn’t that weird? Even if you go by this logic that your crappiness made them do it — what’s crappier than having an affair? Aren’t they the penultimate distracted, uninvested, sexless spouses now? Where the fuck is THEIR pick-me dance? Where is their 7 point article?

Much easier to blame this shit on chumps. Because you’ll buy it and try harder. Win, win for the cheater. Remember to say please and thank you after your mindfuckery!

This column ran previously. Feel free to comment!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Well said. Some of these concerns might be valid if you were dealing with someone who isn’t a disordered fuckwad – but…they are a disordered fuckwad. It doesn’t excuse cheating and unilaterally making decisions which affect the physical, mental, psychological and financial situations of your life. Ever.
    These twits are so bereft of morals that they can’t have an honest conversation or end the relationship on a level playing field – its all about them and what they can get out of life. Pure manipulative scum.
    I fucking despise cheaters.

    • Well said Lania…..I’m with you. Before DDay, my ex couldn’t get it up and he blamed me. Turned out it wasn’t working with me cuz he was fucking the OW….now his wife–yuk! They can have each other! I too despise cheaters!!!

      • I agree with you both. While reading the article, I found myself agreeing that I did do all those things…and it really took CL’s deconstruction to knock me out of that tendency to take responsibility for his selfish and perverted choices.

  • Fuck cheaters. They suck. Blame shifting, disordered, deceitful, callous, low life muther fuckers.

    Step away from the barbed wire monkey chumps.

      • I got all these accusations hurled at me “AFTER” I discovered his affair and picking up prostitutes. I knew it was all BS because the real truth was he just wasn’t home with me and was spending more time with the coworker, watching porn and living out his sexual fantasies. I had been telling him for years I was lonely and wanted him to come home and be a husband to me, he dismissed my cries for this all the time, then I found out why, he was in an affair for four years with a married coworker. I’m not taking any blame here, not for one second!

    • Blameshifting is the worst. Somehow I managed to be too focused on my PhD and simultaneously not ambitious enough for my Ex. But surely, the fact that I was working myself sick and being stressed out because I was trying to build us a better future just makes me a horrible person. I had no time for Kibbles, I was a horrible wife.

      Even when I took an entire week off-work during my busiest season to go a cruise with him. Oh no! He had to ask more than once for me to agree to go on the cruise. I dared to have hesitations about rearranging my entire experimental setup and laboratory work flow around his schedule. So by the time we went, he really couldn’t enjoy himself anymore, he was so annoyed at the fact he had to convince me to go. Urgh! You can’t win with this entitled jerks!

      • Fellow PhD-er (in progress) here. STBX never said explicitly “you’re doing too much/too little of that bc of your grad program,” but implicitly the things he alluded to being disillusioned with are things that largely developed during grad school. But in addition to never mentioning any of his concerns to me EVER, it apparently never occurred to him to wonder, “Gee, she’s super stressed out, maybe it’ll get better when she finishes, the way that I eventually got a little better after she put up with my excessive drinking and shitty drunk personality for several years.”

        • YES ^^^^ THIS !!! ^^^^^

          i thought we were building a future together. i thought we were both grown ups and not still in middle school. But i was wrong

          so while i went to work and came home, tended to the children, feed the children, did homework and housework, kept everyone in clean clothes, made sure there was food, soap, detergent, shampoo and toilet tissue, paid the house payment and the utilities, took the vehicles to get oil changes and tires (he took care of his own but not mine), scheduled play times, sports activities, after school activities, vacations and family time and ran everyone every where….all while going thru the hardest depression of my life, feeling like someone was holding my head underwater and not thinking straight by any means due to my daughters death.

          he never once thought about me. what i was going thru. sure he helped half ass clean the living room, kitchen and dishes. yes, he half ass helped with the laundry. yes, he actually cooked dinner every night towards the end because i flat out refused to do it. (but i always made sure there was food in the freezer and pantry for him to cook too), yes he took the boys to practice if i told him too. but it wasnt like any of that was voluntarily. not only that but it didnt take him long to start resenting the fact that he had to do those things when i had been doing these things for 14 years. he lasted a little over a year before he had to find his sympathetic ear and someone who understood, appreciated and respected him.

          it is not his fault….i just did not treat him right and i got boring because while i was seriously sad and trying to think right and keeping everything together with a shoe string, i was boring because i did not want to go to the bars or go to his druggie cousins house and drink all night….wtf was i thinking? nothing snaps you out of depressions quicker then a few beers and low life losers who are doing the same shit every night but complain about it.

          poor poor little sausage.

          • of course, we wont talk about how he was staying out all night. spending and hiding money like crazy, not coming home after work, lying about where he was and what he was doing……

            we also will not mention how i was perfectly happy with his half ass help and loved him. i was more worried about what he was going thru and thinking then i was about why i felt like i was drowning. i talked and talked and talked and talked and talked that last year, trying to figure wtf was wrong so i could fix it. and he NEVER told me that he wanted me to go to his druggie cousins and drink beer all night.

            i knew something was wrong but with my head not right and all the stress i was under, i just couldnt tap into my mind reading abilities and make it all better and easy for him.

            FUCKER!! i seriously hope his dick never gets hard again and his girlfriend shits on his cheerios.

            • MrsVain

              Limited interests defines him. And when you did what mattered he stepped out rather than up. So sorry about your daughter.

            • PREEEEEEACH, MrsVain!!!! Lord Almighty, I sssoooo needed to read this today!!!! His all-nighters without even a text or phone call, missing money, etc. Oh yeah, but it’s MY fault!?! Bump that!!!

        • [email protected], stbxisgross,
          Once I completed my PhD program, and thought we’d finally be able to coast into some stress free years, he really ramped up the entitlement and abuse. He needed to punish me for making him feel less than. Disordered fuckwits will turn any and every situation into an excuse.

  • start to finish this is BRILLIANT!!!!!
    been there, done that & trust me it sucks to be the chump in that equation.

  • My ex basically told me that I was no fun, ripped off me for being quiet and told me that I needed to get help. So, I danced pretty and went to therapy while he tried to be “friends” with his mistress. He asked how therapy was going and I told him the therapist suggested I not define myself by my shyness. You know because I struggle with painful shyness because people said negative things about me and I believed them, so it messed with my confidence. The counselor wisely thought I was hindering my life by defining myself by a negative label. His response? He replied with agitation: “But, you’re NOT normal!” I’m sorry, but how does slapping me with a new negative label help me get better? Also, why is that upsetting to him? What did he expect the therapist to do?

    • You are not alone. I got the same bs in the end too. But I didn’t change from when we met. Still basically the same person I was when we met. You know the responsible one. The same is true of you. He knew you were that way when he met you and dated you. Your personality is just a way to blame it on you. Know that he has character defects too but you didn’t use it as a reason to betray him. I would encourage you to keep seeing you therapist. Work on your self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s taken me time but I am comfortable with who I am now. If you don’t like me that’s fine. My divorce actually showed me that there were a lot of people out there that really do like me. I am not broken and am a like by many people just the way I am. If you haven’t left him yet, I would encourage you to a least separate from him and go as no-contact as possible for a while. If you stay around, he will just continue to tear you down and break you. Work on you. You deserve better and i’m positive there are a lot of people out there that like you just as you are. Oh, and not normal is defined by him and him alone. Stay strong!

  • Oh. My. God. Do fools who write this shit really exist in this world?? Okay, here we go:

    1. Guess I should have put my newborn in the dog crate and rushed out to do Pilates and Pure
    Barre for four hours everyday to keep hubby interested! He was such a babe with his gut, cruddy toenails and and that cute way he seemed to always be surrounded by a cloud of gas!

    2. Messed up this one too! Should have said “PLEASE stop being such a soul-sucking, self-centered asshat”! I probably should have worn white gloves and pearls and kept my pinkie extended while giving him a handjob – my bad!

    3. Dang. Should have shoved my head completely up his ass so he knew that he was the only important person in our family. The fact that he hadn’t looked me in the eye or spoken my name in over a year shouldn’t have put me off.

    4. I did try this one but lost my voice trying to scream at him over the volume of the football game while he scratched his nether regions and produced a toxic clouds (see number 1)

    5. He sucks. That’s all I’ve got for this one.

    6. Well, I can cop to this one. I got sick of being the receptacle for his masterbation. Tired of being hopped on as if I were an inanimate object. Casanova? I think not. Room temperature sex = no fun for me!

    7. This one flew right by me as well. When he came home, ignored all of us, sneered at us, refused to engage I should have held a gun to his head to MAKE him talk. I was listening but only got crickets. Must have been my fault.

    Gloria Steinem wept.

    • Uneffing…. yes yes yes….cruddy toenails and white gloves with extended pinky YES…..

      It amazes me how I was able to overlook his weightgain, balding, ratchet breath from bad dental work, chipped teeth stained from years of coffee…and omg….his crusty beak like toe nails…that I would cut and file….. Not to mention his athletes foot fungus I would end up getting.

      He wouldn’t pay bills on time, we would have the electric shut off because of it, car insurance would lapse…. tax time was always filing for an extention.

      Yet…..he was so desired and awesome that a prostitute from Chicago was what made his heart skip a beat.

      Leopards don’t change their spots….she can have him….I’m taking his money….and retirement and running…he can blame me for leaving him broke….because I am.

      • Ok that’s just plain gross even for a man! And i’m not even a metersexual kinda guy. That’s just basic hygiene in my opinion. And i’ve never understood the double standard for women and men. You girls aren’t allowed to let your physical appearance go but men can look 12 months pregnant and that’s a ok???? Hope you enjoy being rid of the turd!

        • I would have performed my own C-section if I were pregnant for 12 months! LOL

          Asshat didn’t complain I had gained baby weight bc he is twice my weight but he sure got mad about my refusal to wear stripperlicious lingerie and other pinchy items. I wonder what he’d have said if I’d presented him with a ring and a Chippendale outfit?

          • Mine always bought me clothing and jewelry 6 sizes too small! Funny on how it seemed to be his long term work mistress’s size! Another weird thing is that he always sniffed his two fingers when he came home …and liked to do front of me! Then he moved on and even tried to to put his fingers up to my nose! I barfed and ran away from him! He accused me of giving genital herpes when we eventually practiced abstinence for 5 years! There’s little wonder why I was turned off… And yes he couldn’t keep it up without pornography on hand! He liked to masturbate in front of me! His breath stunk and he gave me a Trich infection! I wasted 36 years with him eating cake! I am divorced now…. And only regret I didn’t do it earlier!,,,

      • OMG!!! Dog crate!!…..pinky extended! Rachet breath! Crusty beak!!! So gross, but I can’t stop LOL! You guys cracked me up. I needed it this morning! Thank you!

      • Yay Tracy.! I wished the asshole had assets. We should add a chapter to the cheater handbook on the COST of cheating. That’s one expensive prostitute!

        X wanted my assets. All he ended up with was ALL the credit card debt, a small Roth IRA, two junk vehicles, paying his own taxes, his other girlfriend he still sees, and a casino bar slunT he mooches off of while complaining about HER instead of ME.

        The cost for him was great as he never paid his taxes and is now using credit cards to pay for his new found life including vacations, and cheap hotels for hookups. His business is folding and within a year he will have NO income. They are DUMB.

        • I went crazy trying to wrap my head around how my cake eater could completely destroy his financial future just for a side piece. Oh sure, right now she’s putting all over Facebook and Instagram how wonderful he is, how he’s a real “gem” and asking for prayers for his fake cancer. In the meantime, he’s stolen my money, opened a fraudulent loan in my name, gone to Erotic massage parlors, almost sold my engagement ring AND stole social security money from my nieces and nephew that we were guardians to for a period of time. All to finance his dating life to keep her happy at amusement parks and winery brunches, etc. But hey, he’s a real gem!!!

    • You could have done that stuff Uneffingbelievable. It wouldn’t have worked. I think they create impossible standards (that they never communicate) said that you fail and he can cheat. Really unhappy with themselves!!

  • Ugh. I’m on my way out the door but want to point out that WOMEN LIKE SEX AS WELL. I absolutely hate the idea that if men aren’t getting any then they’re going to cheat but us sexless ladies are just fine with that situation. Fuck off, blame shifters!

    • I would argue that they wouldn’t be sexless if they showed a little love outside the bedroom. My husband wasn’t an awful person like some I see described here, but he easily got inside his own world to the point where I felt ignored a lot. Then suddenly, like the heavens opened, he’d be chatty and attentive. Aahhhhh yes, I soon realized that a request for sex often followed the sudden show of attention. I have said that I thought all he cared about was getting laid, but to be fair, that is probably not true. What is true, however, is that I felt less cared for when I wasn’t naked. And that doesn’t make you feel very sexy. It makes you feel used.

      • its hard to feel sexy when he is ignoring you, and not coming home. oh wait, you came home on sunday at 7pm after being gone since friday morning at 4 am……well hell let me just jump on your body as soon as you walk in and make you feel all better for being a shit head.

        • Yeah, also hard to feel sexy or enjoy it when they make you feel like they are being “serviced”. Just like everything else, sex is ALL about them and their needs. Assholes.

  • Cheaters, as we know, are masters at blaming, mindfucking and excuses. A year before X-hole blew up our lives for final OWhore I caught him having an affair, he was an indifferent asshole about it, not sorry and not stopping. Until he did. One day he just stopped. I always knew it wasn’t his “love” for me that stopped him but the chump in me went for the false wreckoncile anyway, I wanted my family intact. He apologized, promised to never hurt me again, he didn’t realize how much I really loved him, promised to start counseling after the holidays.

    All complete and utter bullshit! Six months later he was back at it, starved for attention and chasing it anywhere he could get it. He was calling another woman he’d met at a show in our city who lived two states away. I wrote him a very sincere email, reminding him how much I loved him and about his promise to go to counseling. He ignored it, read it (maybe) and quit contacting her only when she decided she wasn’t interested. Told him he had too much baggage. Less than two months later he met final OWhore.

    He has done everything he can to make our split as difficult as possible for me. He has done NOTHING to make it better for our son, he has completely detached.

    He still screams at me “This is all your fault!” Sure, whatever asshole, fuck you anyway. I hope they both suffer for everything they’ve done to their kids.

    • Don’t stress about him blaming you. My ex did that and to this day remains a raging arsehole. You want to know why? Because I found out and when I did find out he was a serial cheating dickwad I told people. This was very upsetting for him. My ex also made the split incredibly difficult and nearly destroyed me financially. But he didn’t. I’m too tough for him and you’re too tough for your ex. Fuck the losers that blame others for their own choices. Carry on and be fabulous. And never let that asshole own what goes on in your head again. 🙂

        • The behavior of “shopping” was X’s specialty. Yes, he looked good yet sex with him wasn’t the same after his surgery. The first one who slept with him won. That was all he required to get a divorce. What we know fir sure is they NEVER stop. And aren’t the OW completely disgusting to think they are so special he will never cheat.
          Umm… You met him at a bar while he was with his wife? These nut jobs loose their families and spouse, is that what makes them feel worthy of love? Who would want THAT hanging over them.
          There were many innocents along the way who got duped. This one didn’t care if he was married. No wonder she looks like an anus, sounds like she smokes three packs a day and lives in a dump with no income.

          • X-hole has always been a pathological liar, same lies, same lines. “It was already over before I cheated”. He tells her the same lies he told the last one (cheated on ex-wife too). He is delusional.

            His ex-wife plays his “nice” game, I won’t. I refuse to sit back and watch him neglect his responsibilities and our son and smile and pretend we’re friends. I give him hell and it’s not going to stop.

            Eight years of lies and manipulation and mindfuckery. Not putting up with that shit for another 10 years just because I bred with the asshole.

  • “You weren’t so awful to divorce. You’re just awful enough to cheat on.”

    YES! This is exactly what we promote in our society. My ex got onto Ashley Madison in 2005, six years before I discovered it when he finally hooked up with a real, live POS instead of an avatar. What was that all about? Why did he stick around to have TWO MORE CHILDREN with me if he was that unhappy a year after we had our first child? If things were that bad, he could have gotten out when it would have been far less messy– we were married six years before we had any children!

    People cling to that whole “oh, the betrayed spouse was so awful” narrative because we just don’t want to admit that people are that shitty– they just want cake. Period. That is what this all boils down to. This isn’t the 19th century when you might have been forced into a marriage of convenience and unable to divorce. We can make sensible choices that are far less hurtful and end relationships before they become more complicated, but that’s not what is on a cheater’s mind.

    I’m quite certain that my ex would have been more than happy to stay married to me so that I’d keep doing his laundry, giving him sex while he took his affair underground and continued to have sex with her (that whole sexless bit seems more and more like a myth to me the more I talk to people who have been cheated on– the cheater is enjoying sex with two or more people, that’s the truth), and allowing him to keep his precious money since it wouldn’t be divided by a divorce. Too bad I quit being a chump!

    Let’s face it– cheating is fun. Cheating is all the benefits of everyday life plus a shot of fantasy. It’s not because the betrayed spouse is lousy. It’s because the cheater is.

    • Sexless marriages are VERY real. Sadly, there are many spouses who are faithful to their affair partner.
      It is total mindfuckery for chumps who are in love with their cheater partner.
      The physical exam, the testosterone test, the marriage counsellors who suggested back rubs and weekends away…there was always a reason to put these things off.
      It was a special hell to live through a sexless marriage.
      And then to go through a lengthy, painful divorce and still live with no sex!

      • I agree Rebecca. Mine became sexless after we had our second child and he blamed it on me, but he made so many rules about having sex that nothing ever worked out: I was supposed to seduce him, he hated make-up sex after a fight, we fought over stupid stuff almost every day because nothing was ever done perfectly the way he wanted it, when I would touch him tenderly a while after a fight he would say I was manipulating him so he would forget about the fight but that things didn´t work that way with him…he also tried to go to bed really late with the excuse of work, but it was so I would be asleep. I later discovered that he would spend most of the night looking at porn or sexting with whoever….He also began to disregard me from the first time he wanted anal but I had never tried it and said that “maybe” if he was gentle. After that he assumed that I didn´t want it but never proposed alternatives or talked about it. The sexless marriage is all on him! I bet he is probably gay but too much of a coward to ever come out of the closet…

      • I’m sure they’re real, but I don’t think that there are that many cheaters who aren’t getting any. It seems like I hear from many chumps that they were happy to have sex, but either the cheater still wasn’t happy with the quantity, pretended to be satisfied but still got some strange on the side, or the cheater was withholding, likely because he/she was cheating. I just think the idea of a sexless marriage (where the betrayed didn’t want sex) has become a convenient narrative for many cheaters who want to justify their behaviors: “Well, I had to cheat. I was in a sexless marriage.” Cue sympathy and support… *eye roll*

        • Rebecca

          I seriously doubt there are very many cheaters who don’t continue to cheat once they are divorced. If they do it while their married what’s to stop them when their single? Add alcoholism, drug abuse, and porn to the mix and it’s what they can get away with. Seriously, I can see the X living off her where there are NO expectations to be a man and fuck strange for the thrill. It’s a challenge for the challenged.

    • I often wonder why ex didn’t divorce me for the reasons he cited toward the end (the typical narrative that we grew apart, never should have been married in the first place, I was angry and authoritative, I paid more attention to the kids). I grew so weary of being blamed for everything (and believe me the blaming was occurring long before the split regarding you name it, e.g., I was too loud, too social, too distracted by life, too extreme, I walked too loudly, etc). Like you, MovingOn, we were married for five years before we had kids. What was that all about? I hate these excuses they use to simply justify their bad behavior, bad choices, and creation of hurtful consequences such as destruction of family and emotional pain for children. I guess they need to create whatever they can to blame shift it. Remember, this is a key feature of narcissists who simply cannot own any wrongdoing, even when they flat out created it. I’m not sure I will ever get this shit processed in my head as it is so unfathomable to live such a false and destructive life that hurts so many people.

    • “It’s not because the betrayed spouse is lousy. It’s because the cheater is.”


  • Letting myself go, after having a hysterectomy,hormonal changes, my mom battling cancer, volunteering and taking care of our son. I didn’t feel up to going to the crowded gym wit the broken air conditioning during the summer. Before his lifestyle change to workout at the gym 4 hours a day, there was a period of time X was a fat unemployed, slob. I didn’t consider seeking an employed, physically fit work out buddy.
    Cheater lost all his manners once he walked in the front door. Never heard a please, a thank you, or an excuse me as he pushed his way past you. It was “move out of my way.’ I chalked it up to his upbringing. If I mentioned that I thought he was rude and abrupt he would become defensive to avoid an argument I let it go. I never sought an AP with manners.
    Number three~X was busy on the computer or watching television if he wasn’t at the gym. Conversations would be one sided, with me having to repeat myself two or three times before he hear what I said.
    Not interested in talking much unless it was about himself.
    Number four, when I suggested going away for the weekend just the two of us X wasn’t interested, Counseling the same, he said I was the one with problems I should go so I did. I’d ask if he like to go to a movie, the answer would be no. I did the laundry, the cooking, the shopping, the volunteering at our sons school almost everyday, made sure our son was taken care of, activities, homework etc. meanwhile X would be watching TV, on the computer, gym or laying out in the backyard catching some rays working on his tan.
    Number five,simple, X was continually bitching about the way I did things. I on the other hand would be dancing a pretty dance trying to please and keep a smile on my face to make life more pleasant for the unhappy camper.
    Number 6 Easy answer, X (Cheater) had been selfless for sometime, his excuse while in his forties is he’s older now and has a decreased sex drive. That happens to men his age…, Before that excuse he would approach me for sex while I was dressed ready to go out the door for an appointment, knowing I’d say no, I need to be at such and such appointment, then he’d pretend to be disappointed or perhaps he was. Just another stupid game on his part.
    Number seven.Not listening to me when I’d wanted to discuss our relationship. If I asked him if he had anything that was bothering him regarding us or me he would tell me, of course not, I’m your best friend…, nothing to discuss, If he seemed distant, he just had things on his mind. Yes, now I know it was his AP and planning his strategy to leave.
    Would be a much better world for many of us if Cheaters used the effort they put into finding and courting their AP into their wives..

    • Regarding the sex-request just before you HAVE to leave thing:

      1) He could say he OFFERED, knowing you’d turn him down… hollow gesture. He doesn’t want sex but it looks like he does – he wins.

      2) He was testing you, to see if you’d pick him over your appointment. <—something to bitch at you about at a later time. "Your dental cleaning was more important than ME! If sex was ACTUALLY that important to you, for us, you'd have been a little late or re-scheduled! You didn't VALUE me!"

      Because don't all of us women enjoy dripping their cum while having our teeth cleaned/working/at a meeting/party/volunteering at school/running errands? We find it just so EXCITING. /endsnarkasm

      • **applauding** insistonhonesty!!! Narcs have it all figured out, don’t they? Always plotting and scheming and manipulating to make it appear as though they are thoughtful and considerate an oh so wonderful. It’s all about me, Me, ME, dammit!!!

      • Exactly, he offered.., and I refused, again. Your’e right Insisitonhonesty, dental cleaning? I should have cancelled that appt. Where are my priorities?? X once said I wasn’t spontaneous enough or sensual (or some similar adjective) enough because if I were I would have had a quickie before my dental appt. or helping out at the elementary school or what ever appt I had. Yes, and who doesn’t enjoy the dripping cum and feeling disheveled, while having your teeth examine, chatting with hygienist. How about the same feeling walking into a classroom full of eager 6 year olds looking forward to story time, then demonstrating how to do a glitter glue craft for Mother’s day?? A spontaneous fun, sensual good wife would be more than happy and willing to meet the needs of her husband, but not a loser Chump who thinks being responsible is the “right” thing to do, and respects other people and their time, stupid chump, if you had only thought of your vulnerable husband as a priority X wouldn’t have cheated, all your fault dumb Chump this carelessness of yours drove your X to cheat.

  • #7 what a load of crap. Yep got that one, but what the fuck are you supposed to do when shit gets turned into your fault or if you make a suggestion and try to interact only to have them get pissed off at your suggestions or say that your not listening. WTF? They don’t want to listen to our problems or concerns, they are above such tiny things, and any complaints are quickly turned into our faults. So they are justified fucking someone else because we get tired of giving them the kibble they so righteously deserve? Fuck that, I’m not sure we ever had a normal intimate conversation that I didn’t end up apologizing at some point during, I know there is an old joke about when a man gets married everything becomes his fault, but it is supposed to be a joke. Not so much for me
    I still can’t believe I didn’t see any of this shit earlier, I guess I was too busy teying to raise kids and keep a roof over our heads and food in the fridge. My bad.

  • So much easier to visit Fantasty Land than to deal with real life problems and keep one’s commitment. If these ‘excuses’ were for real, then I would expect all marriages to have been violated by cheating. Wait? You say some people don’t cheat when the going gets tough? Oh, that’s right. Not everyone is a liar. Some people have character.

  • “There is no excuse for cheating, of course, but the betrayed spouse may well be part of the reason the marriage went off the rails in the first place”

    Both are true, but the author is suggesting a causal relationship between them, when there is none. We can substitute any number of unrelated items in that combination and theoretically insinuate a causal relationship when there is none:

    “There is no excuse for bank robbery, but the bank employees may well be part of the reason that the bank was susceptible to being robbed in the first place.”

    “There is no excuse for rape, but the victim may well be part of the reason that s/he looked nice and sexy in the first place.”

    “There is no excuse for assault or battery, but the assaulted may well be part of the reason that there was tension between the two parties in the first place.”

    We could do this all day, and the world would only be poorer for the attempt, as we’d add only misunderstanding and victim-blaming to it.

  • My ex could be a negative person. A constant complainer, a real bummer to be around. Told you what all he didn’t like about this or that or the other. So I guess the ONLY thing his entire life he was subtle about when it came to having issue with was ME. Then I found out about the other chick when he left to move into her place. Hope she’ll enjoy that negativity and nitpicking!!

  • I am trying to reduce my coffee intake, and blameshifting columns like this help. How? Feeling that adrenaline surge as you have a desire to beat the author to death with lawn furniture is the perfect antidote to coffee. Who needs caffeine? Thank you, ParentSociety for helping me cure my coffee addiction.

    • HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW, what a visual Thanks Tempest. I was blowing steam out both my ears and nostrils until this….HAW HAW HAW…now it’s coffee.

  • My assholes cheating was my fault because he finally caught on to all the cheating I had done in the past:
    1. I like to get my nails done, therefore, I must have a lover.
    2. I wanted to lose some weight, do some dieting and get moving a little more. I must have a lover.
    3. That truck that turned around in our driveway. Well he must have seen dickwad was home so he turned around and left.
    4. When I got a weather alert on my phone – it wasn’t really a weather alert. It was actually my lover texting me on my ‘secret contact list.’
    5. My best friend and I had a girls weekend and took a road trip to see my cousin in Dallas. But it was really to whore ourselves out.
    6. I wear lingerie to work, I must be having an affair with my boss.
    7. I wear make-up to work. I must be having an affair with SOMEBODY.
    8. I was late after work one night when there was 5″ of snow on the roads. I must have stopped at my lovers house on the way home.
    9. Amy gives Terry a blow job everyday. Dumbass doesn’t get a blow job everyday – so someone else must be getting them from me.
    10. I say “no” when he comes home from the bar with a beer/cigarette fragrance on a week night at 11:30.
    11. And finally (as most of you have already heard this a million times before) I had an affair, oops – I mean I recently found out I had MULTIPLE affairs with dickwads best friend 15 years ago. We left the towel we used to clean ourselves up after the sex act on the couch. What were we thinking?

    That’s only 11.

    • Jeez, LadyStrange, you could have at least thrown the towel in the laundry (#11). ; )

      • I know, gross, right? And to just carelessly leave it on the family room couch where we all (including small children) sit and play on?

        • Oh gawd, I will be so excited to never find a stray washcloth in the tub or stuck to the floor again!

    • Early in our marriage, I worked with a man…. ex often implied that I was having an affair with him. Ex was all on board for me being a stay at home mom after our first child was born, of course. Then it was suggested that I was having sex with the UPS man if a delivery was made to our house… That’s the cheater mentality of opportunity and no self-control AND my ex had some serious insecurities about himself.

          • LOL – had you only known then….
            (We’ve got a pretty big UPS facility not too far from my work. Maybe I’ll start hanging out there on my lunch hours.)

            • The irony is that HE was fooling around with other women then and I had no clue… I was too busy being good wife and mother. The hypocritical bastard!!

              • They ONLY see the world through their eyes, totally self-absorbed.
                They are cheating, so you must be, too! How I wish I’d figured this out 30 years ago! I just thought he adored me so, and thought I was so desirable, but, no- he was just humping everyone he worked with, or lived near, oh, plus some of his ex’s in another state. I’ll never know how many, but I know for sure about enough of them to see the pattern.
                Serial cheaters can’t conceive of being with one partner, and loving it! I was so happy in my ignorance, making a life and a future just with him. I’ll keep trying until I find the other person that feels the same!

              • O and O, Asshat said he thought I could be cheating on him. I asked if he thought it was with the landscapers, the plumbers or the UPS guy. Seeing as how UPS stops by multiple times a week, I think he suspected him. Snort. One of my past UPS delivery guys looked just like the guy in Legally Blonde only a little shorter and older. I would burst out laughing every time he left.

        • My heating & air conditioning guy is damn adorable. All those years I could have let him adjust my temperature gauges, if only I had known X was screwing a third of the university population.

          • It must be nice to be a narc and not have a conscience, no restraint nor any sort of moral compass. Tempest, I can think of a lot of “if onlys”…

    • People that are cheating tend to think you are also cheating. Just like you figure since you’re being faithful, they are too. Just like chumps project values onto the cheater, they do the same to us.. project a lack of values.

  • You know why strangers are treated more politely than family so often?

    They haven’t done anything nasty to you yet. Duh. You can be sure that some asshole who cuts me off is going to get the bird… because he’s DONE the wrong thing. If a stranger shoves me in a crowded store and doesn’t acknowledge me at all? I’m going to say something snarky and bitchy.

    And what.the.shit is this about taking the time to sit down and have a TV-free conversation? It’s not that we didn’t WANT that and ASK for that. They didn’t want to. Asking for that suddenly made us “needy and clingy and nagging.” Dinner out? “I hate just sitting there, waiting for our food to come, and we’re just staring off into space or reading the ingredients on the siracha bottle. Can we just do take out and watch a movie?” All righty then. That’s the effing problem… they didn’t want to do those connected-ness things. US wanting to connect gave them more fodder to bitch about.

    Isn’t it grand to hear about how them complaining about our “nagging” brought our spouses closer to their ho-workers? They bonded over being utter shits. Poor them, having to deal with their nagging spouses (and their whiny little feelingses) who are all but BEGGING them to genuinely emote every once in a while.

  • The one excuse my ex could come up with off the top of his peanut brain was that I had returned a long-distance phone call from an ex of mine … 30 years before.

  • These are the types of articles that make me crazy!! It’s a tool cheaters can use to justify their crappy, immoral behavior! My STBX used every point in this article (and more) to devise his infamous list of why he wanted a “trial separation”. He was already cheating, but didn’t have the guts to admit it, so he came to me with a list of all the ways I wasn’t meeting his needs and why he thought we should separate for a few months to “figure things out”. The list included his need for an attractive spouse, his need for the house to be spotless, his need for recreational companionship, admiration, more sex etc. He also had a list of all my needs that he was meeting, financial support, affection, conversation, etc. The irony is that he never consulted me to find out what my needs actually were, he just read some stuff in a book (written by a man) about what women’s needs typically are. In all the 17 years we were married he NEVER cared about meeting my needs. So of course this put me into dancing the “pick me dance” at a furious, exhausting pace. My efforts were only met with his scorn and disdain while he started going out even more, working even later, spent nights away, and started picking fights for no reason. I finally got fed up and said if he wanted a separation he better pack up & get out ASAP. After he left I found out about the affair (OW texted me a picture. I was devastated and could only think that if I were prettier, thinner, fitter, more fun, if I had only been able to meet all his needs like a good wife should, then he wouldn’t have cheated. It’s been over a year and I still can’t get it out of my head that if I was a better person he wouldn’t have been driven to cheat. That OW is the shiny perfect package that meets all his needs and I’m nothing but trash. Of course OW is still technically married (been separated from her husband for 5 years). I filed for divorce which INFURIATED the STBX and have gone no contact, which enrages him further. I filed for child & spousal support which led to a rash of verbal abuse I still can’t fathom. He’s abandoned our children because they refuse to take sides, his stopped paying his portion of joint debt which has put me in financial hardship, he moved in with OW & her kids, he’s committed financial fraud against his employer, lied to his family, run up debt and yet I’m the bad one. It’s all my fault– according to these very helpful articles. Screw that!!!

    • X said I had NO needs. Those trial seperations and suggestions about moving were always related to cheating. X who claimed to be a “simple” guy was so very calculating. He insisted we move into the rental we owned, then booked to Florida to “get a job” and send me money. I lost my HOME. And I had no income with two children. He was living off my brother, fooling around, and exoected ME to support him.

    • These idiot Cheaters will look for reasons to justify their lack of integrity, anything no matter how trivial in their sick self centered minds it will be a justification for cheating. Hey, my wife is the biggest bitch, she knew I wanted spaghetti for dinner and instead she made us Tacos. She did that on purpose. I’ll show her, wait until my next trip out of town, I’ll find someone to fuck and I bet she would make me spaghetti more than once a week. This is an example of my X’s logic. No one gets one over on him, suspicious of the most innocent act. Road rage maniac, what?? did you see that guy? he’s passed me, so what if he’s in the fast lane, I’m not only going to pass him but block him so he can’t get out of his lane.., Constantly complaining from him when he drove us anywhere, play by play of all the injustices he was receiving from everyone on the road and what he was going to do to get even. What’s scarier is he is an airline pilot, I’ve often wondered if after one of our fun drives if I should file an anonymous request asking the FAA to give him a psych eval.
      He’s a road rage psycho, everyone on the road is his enemy.
      Lyn, I felt inadequate after X left too, I replayed things he had said and questioned my part in why he said the shit he said. I wondered if I should have worked out more especially after he looked at me one day and said “I would never let myself go like you have,” I hadn’t “let myself go,” I had been sick for a long time and had recently had a hysterectomy, wasn’t fat, not a whale, wasn’t a lazy asshole who only took care of himself, wasn’t concerned with anything or anyone besides himself. Speaking of my surgery, you can all imagine how helpful and attentive he was to me before, during and after surgery. He told a friend the day after I came home from the hospital that I was “too needy.” That must have been the one and only time I asked him to help me out of bed to use the restroom.
      Sorry I got sidetracked, back to Lyn, I thought maybe if I hadn’t worn flannel pajamas to bed in the dead of winter to keep warm maybe he wouldn’t have left. I thought maybe if I hadn’t paid so much attention to taking care of our son X might not have left. How did my voice sound when I talked to him?? Didn’t I sound happy enough? I did every creative, unique dance with a smile smeared on my face with each one..
      I questioned myself and criticized my every move just about as much as he did. The more I read the more I realized what a piece of shit I married.. You will come to the same realization too. This site has helped me immeasurably to see the truth. Read stories others have written you will soon see piece of shit X for what he is and value yourself and see it was never you. Cheater X will cheat because they want to and will make up something to convince themselves he was doing what was right and only looking for justice…Hope I’m not rambling too much… I have so much more to say tonight and am on a roll. whew!

  • The cheater may well have been guilty of any number of the items on the list as well, but the chump didn’t choose to cheat although according to the logic of the author it would have been entirely within reason to do so. What is to blame here is the cheater’s lack of character, sense of duty, moral compass, maturity, responsibility, etc., to nurturing the marriage or taking steps to rectify the situation. The only thing the chump is guilty of is being a chump.

  • Everyone of us may feel we “should” change something about our selves, if we are honest. I hardly ever meet anyone who says he or she is perfect, at least out loud, to other people. Narcissists may pretend to be perfect, but ask those who are around them 24/7, doing their work and taking their crap if they are perfect. Right. So we could all use some improvement, so what???

    The physical side of an intimate relationship started at some point because two people found each other attractive. If either puts on weight, stops practicing hygiene, forgets all about courtesy and caring for the other — surely that person or both people are responsible for the original attraction fading. But the key for me is I NEVER set out to attract him, specifically. I wanted to feel attractive, FOR ME. If I attracted my partner because I flipped his switches when I felt good about myself, all for the better, but I didn’t suddenly stop taking interest in how I looked and how I felt because of his desire. I am not interested in someone who only practices good hygiene to get laid — I want someone who enjoys being clean and attractive for its own sake. It is part of a whole package of physical and mental health for me. I also don’t remember having anything to do with my partner’s age, health, or alcohol consumption — he was in charge of all that. I didn’t make him have ED, he created that problem all by himself. I would have talked to him about it, and tried to be creative with solutions had he been receptive to that idea — but all he wanted to do to “fix” this was to watch more porn, and provide me with opportunities to do specific one-sided things which resulted in his pleasure, with no concern for my enjoyment or pleasure. Bummer. Even so, guess who cheated? I suppose the OW who were auditioning for the role of replacement wife and didn’t care what they had to say or do to get the part were just better at hiding any frustration they might have felt with this one sided arrangement — but it just never appealed to me. My bad, obviously.

    Once you find out that the Other is doing a frenetic pick me dance — it adds another component to your reluctance to do the horizontal boogie. I have never been turned on by STD’s. Again, my bad, obviously.

    I think I can live with the guilt.

    Good luck to the OW and her future replacements — I have a feeling that there will always be a vacancy for that position.

    • X never liked it when I “felt good about myself”. If I came home happy with a smile in my face his mood would change. He made numerous comments after I got off the phone with a friend stating, “why do you laugh with HER”. He took me off HIS phone plan because I talked to her too much. One of the contingencies he put into place after dating and filing for a divorce in 2010 was that I couldn’t spend time with her as she was a “man hater” and ruined our relationship. Dumb, I know. The other woman dumped him after having sex with him once and the pattern continued. Love bombing, devaluation. and total discard with a sadistic end.
      The differene this time was that I had enough and filed. I realize just how pathetic this sounds, my bond with this sociopath lasted from the age of 16 to 57. It’s never to late.

  • As a guy who was cheated on and left I completely agree with you on this! What a bullshit article and thank you for defending all of us that have been cheated on!

  • OMG #5. ahhhahahahahh. He lives on the left coast, I am grateful to remain in New England (despite the weather, ahem.)

    I get to be on his Health Ins as part of the settlement–I recently suggested we look at a less pricey plan, long story short. Never bothered. He’s too much of a fuckup to save himself a couple hundred dollars a month.

    How was I married to a dingus for 25 years and not notice? I blame (insert politicians name).

  • Yes, regarding number 1, I am guilty as charged. I have Let Myself Go. I will say it is the BEST thing I have ever done.

    I spent the time after the whoring was exposed trying to improve myself, like a good chump should. Trying to look slutty, I mean sexy all the time. But that isn’t really me.

    I could stand to lose some pounds, but it doesn’t really affect my self esteem. I shower daily. Wash my hair as often as needed. Have about ten outfits I rotate. Use makeup when I feel like it. My nails are just nails, not works of art. My one concession to looks strictly is covering the gray.

    You cannot believe how liberating this has been. If someone doesn’t like you for your looks, you probably don’t need them in your life.

  • OMG Tracy!!!! It was MY FAULT!!!!

    Number 3!!!! I took care of my Mom for 5 years…before, during and after the chemo!!!! OMG! Now I completely understand satan’s need for Kroger’s customer service ho and the others!!!!

    LOL!!!!! Thanks for explaining it to me in a way I can understand! Poor guy HAD TO SEEK SOLACE SOMEWHERE!!!

    Geeze this assholes are so DISORDERED!!!!!! I mean REALLY???? …makes me think of a selfish 3 year old that doesn’t know any better…

    …I just got 3 steps CLOSER TO MEH!!!!!

    …soul sucking asshole…

  • These are the seven deadly sins of losing your man. This must be a chapter out if the cheaters handbook.

    We have our own chump playbook thanks to you Tracy.

    I did fail my marriage in many ways.
    I believed it was my fault right up to the end. Nothing makes a sociopath happy. Not children, a home, love, support, or sacrifice. Nothing! They bathe in self entered selfishness and entitlement. Fir all appearances they can fit in and use us for whatever their needs are at the moment. We support them emotionally and all they do is take.

    What strikes me the most about these ABUSERS is the way we bond with them. We believe they share the same values because they mirror our goodness to gain control. They are believable, The most humiliating aspects of my relationship, looking back, were when I accepted the responsibility. If only I was sexier, listened more, paid more attention, had more sex and focused all my attention on his needs.

    This person I loved ended our marriage coldly, stating. “I found someone else, i want a divorce”. He never explained, said he was sorry, or spoke to me again.

    That was it after 41 years. And the cruelest thing of all was his statement, “No one would want you the way you are”.

    I’ve learned here to reserve unconditional live for children, only. I’ve learned to take care of MY needs. I recognize my vulnerability of being a giver and empathizing with others. I offer little advice to others who need fixing.
    Overall, my greiving process has run it’s course and there is sadness. The sadness is for myself, for believing the unbelievable, forgiving the unforgivable, and fighting for an illusion for so many years.

    • *hugs* Nasty piece of work he was. Someone always wants you. Thing is to find them. That you said it shows that their words hurt more than sticks and stones.

    • Bless your heart…I’m so sorry. It’s them. We all have things we need to work on, but they all do the same thing. It’s them. Find things that give you joy, and do them. I’m grateful for the little things.

      I’ve survived by listening to Joel Osteen on satellite radio, listening to his relentlessly positive messages, over and over–I can almost repeat them verbatim. Watch wicked Amy Schumer, read romance novels, knit, shop. Hell, drink, whatever, for a little while. Figure out where you want to go and go there. The only other thing is to try and exercise every day. Not to please them or lose weight, but to feel better. Get some sunlight/vitamin D. Enjoy your kids.

      We love you, we’re here. It gets better, it eases…even if you’re not at meh, just being less than excruciating is a gift, no? It’s not you. There is something wrong with him, and he needs to not be in your life.

      • No he’s not in my life. I had finally gotten him out if my head and the holiday triggered me. Sometimes, it’s just seeing how much pain they inflict onto others that makes me sad. I’m hoping meh is around the corner and then I fantasize about them getting acupuncture with a knife. Nope, not there.

        • Donna, my heart goes out to you. 41 years is a very long time to have endured emotional abuse. You are loving person and you will find peace and happiness again — you are incredibly strong!! I hope there’s a special place in hell reserved for your ex. What a vile, despicable man… I, too, did everything that you did for 23 years — believing that somehow I was to blame for my ex-husband’s unhappiness only to discover his long history of cheating. He was nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a master of deceit and lies. It has taken me a few years to get there, but I no longer feel the sadness of having that awful illusion revealed. I consider it a great blessing to be free of walking on eggshells and enduring the constant heartache of never feeling good enough. Hang in there!!

    • A big squeezy hug to you Donna. I was just thinking the other day how quickly my husband dropped me, after 25 years together. For our 23rd anniversary, he sent me a dozen roses. Almost two months later to the day, our daughter saw the damning text. And the next thing you know…I’m being pushed off a cliff faster than you can say push. It was shocking, cold, and heartless. It says so much about who he is. I knew there were other people in his life that he had no time for. He didn’t have a lot of tolerance and patience. I just never thought I’d be on the receiving end of that. Thinking about it in terms of how easily he dumped our marriage, our family, without ever saying a word to me, has made it easier to let him go.

      What I’m finding difficult now is the fact that I wasted so much of my life on him and the loss of our family unit. A year later, I’m pretty much over him. My house is way more peaceful now. But I spent the best years of my life with him. And my heart still breaks for our kids, who deserve to have what both he and I have had our whole lives…married, loving parents. What we had together, us, our family…meant the world to me. Had no idea I was on the edge of a cliff.

      • I got pushed off the cliff after 27 years and for a lot of reasons asswipe made up in his head. And put words in my mouth. Right now he’s off in a hotel room deciding what he wants. Hahahahaha! Other woman is clinging on trying to get him back. Haha! Says if he comes back to her and marries her she will give him a free pass to sleep or see me but anyone else is a deal breaker. Seriously! I wouldn’t want anyone who wanted to see anyone else but me
        Fuck that. I have to bide my time for awhile yet but when I go far far from here I’m leaving like a theif in the night. He just doesn’t want to let me go. I guess I’m supposed to be the other woman now or one of the harem. Hell to the fuck no.

        • KarMarie
          Someone wants cake for sure. SHE says… Oh my fucking word. Are you sure she said this? X told me SHE wouldn’t like it if WE talked! He lied about everything to her as well. Why wouldn’t a man be able to talk to someone he was still MARRIED to?
          X didn’t want me in his life at all. Yours sounds unsure and perhaps playing the old triangulation hold? What fucktards.

          • Donna, she has a bigger ego than asswipe does and his ego is huge. Did she say it? Most likely. Only someone who is very desperate would want this. She is nuts. I sincerely believe he wants the triangle now after the divorce. I believe he wants a harem. How many women can he have before he dies type thing. What an asshole. She knows damn well now he’d cheat in a NY minute. Me I’m out ta here and gone far away as soon as this house sells. I want fedelity, honesty and loyalty and he ain’t it. No harem for me.

      • Exactly! I relate to everything you says about being over him but mourning over the years put in, the loss of the family unit and the pain it causes children. My STBX has told my children that unless they show him the respect he deserves by taking a stand against me & also accepting his new life “girlfriend” and meeting her and her kids, that he will not be seeing him again. I’m over him, but furious & sad at his treatment of our sons.

      • 2kids, he sent a text? This is colder than cold. I look back as you must and wonder how I could have loved someone so heartless. I have detatched from him and it’s been a year and a half. I have my children and granddaughter who bring me joy daily. Hugs

  • ” It’s often said that we treat strangers better than our own spouses. Sadly, this can be true ”

    Ya.. f’ing a coworker and lying to your spouse about it is a good example of this.

    • Spot On, Raing?! My ex also “let himself go.” Right to fucking his racquetball partner. Our marriage didn’t get in his way. He couldn’t understand why our sex life sucked either. Towards the end I just felt I needed to shower every time we fucked. When he told me he wanted a divorce I finally understood why our marriage sucked. There’d been three of us in it! ?

  • Great UBT!!!! I must be having a good day because I see how these articles are designed to play on our irrational fears. If we don’t do x then the boogie-man will come!

    OK, sure, I would agree that it does take work to keep things fresh in a long-term relationship. But there is no justification for cheating. If you don’t like me, then man up and leave.

    One of the reasons my EX gave for his serial cheating was that “I had dropped out of being social”. The reason I had stopped going to social events with him was 1) he intentionally didn’t invite me (but would tell me after the fact), 2) he would disappear about five minutes after arrival, 3) he would insist on driving to said event and then he’d get drunk so I would stay sober and drive his belligerent ass home, 4) he would never stay sober so I could enjoy a drink and then told me I was no fun because I wasn’t drinking (but he insisted we drive when we could have taken a cab), 5) friends/colleagues would go out of their way to avoid me (because they knew he was cheating and felt uncomfortable) and what do you know – this made me feel uncomfortable, 6) guys would ‘hit on me’ and he didn’t notice/care, 7) he would complain throughout any and every event that I wanted to go to, 8) he refused to go to events I was going to for volunteering/work/family/friends, 9) what i was wearing was frumpy, 10) etc., etc., etc. Gah…reading my list makes me feel said that I stayed with this fuctkard for almost 20 years.

      • Oh yes – I was always the DD too. Mine would disappear within 5 minutes as well and tell people “I see her everyday, I don’t need to socialize with her now.” As I sit and see other couples sitting together. WTF? Don’t they see each other every day – why in the hell would they sit next to each other and talk to one another??? God – like you, reading this shit just reminds me of what a fucked up POS he is.

        • Mine would turn on the charm in front of his family and friends. Then, he was life of the party. At home, he was a sloth and getting him off the couch to do ANYTHING meant I needed dynamite. I was the one that stayed with his father, at his mom’s funeral, pregnant with his son while he schmoozed and cried with his sister. Me and my daughter sat at the funeral service sat alone and at the reception, consoling his father. Thinking about it makes me realize that we just never mattered.

          • Dipshit did something similar to that too when his 24 year-old brother died. After the brother died, dumbass would come home from work, pack up a cooler of beer and walk over to his parents so they could all grieve together. You know, I get that – I get that they are devastated and hurt. BUT – he wouldn’t even TELL me he was leaving. He never included me or the kids. I was expected to stay at the house with the kids so he could drink, I mean drown in his sorrows. After 2 weeks of that – I finally said wtf? So then him and his other kniving asshole of a ‘friend’ decided to take a nice trip to Cancun. Just the two of them. Isn’t that special?

  • Relationships can be hard, and some of these issues do real damage. Feel like you are unappreciated by your spouse? Terrible, no one wants that.

    What constantly drives me crazy by these stupid article and my ex-wife is the idea that people have no will or ability to want to check in with their spouse about being unhappy. Relationship problems…then you talk about it and try to deal with them? Right? Wasn’t there a promise? They may well not work out, but you don’t slink off quietly with someone else.

  • Do y’all remember the movie Stepford Wives. That is truly what my ex wanted me to become. Didn’t work so he is trying to create one with the OW. Right now they are so fuckin happy because she is doing all that he wants but wait until she discovers that no matter what his needs just keep growing as there never enough

  • I am convinced that society enables cheating. So many Switzerland friends promote the well, its your fault because – fill in the blanks. The spouse gets blamed.

    Well, I got diagnosed with a serious, chronic condition. My fault? Yea, I guess.

    Asshat told me his skank was going through a tough divorce. ‘I could fix her, I couldn’t fix you’. Really? You could listen to her lies about her sad life but never took the time to find out how you could help and emotionally support me? Even though I asked multiple time for you to attend various lectures on the condition?

    There will always be a rationalization. It the marketing of affairs.

    CL is right. It is all spin and bullshit. The cheaters cannot keep their work. No integrity, spine and toughness. Its is the narc cycle, idealize, degrade and devalue and then abandon. Society does it in a macro way. We destroy our heroes, we bring the successful down when we rooted for them on the way up.

    We chumps be free and Mighty once we get past the pain of a broken heart and being betrayed. Grateful every day for this site and realization that I am better of without a cheater.

  • Hey Jennifer Carsen I’ve got a good idea. Why don’t you talk about what you know and not what you think you know. And Go Fuck Yourself Assohole!!!

  • After the staggering mindfuckery I dealt with for decades, finally understanding that I don’t shoulder ALL of the blame for the demise of our marriage is such a huge load off my soul.

    It crushed me that I couldn’t keep him faithful, until I realized the only person who could keep him faithful was HIM, and he just fucking didn’t want to. Not my bad.

    Am I perfect? Oh, HELL no. But NO ONE is. Love is accepting, understanding, and working around differences, not fucking around, lying, and twisting reality. Lasting love requires discussion and compromise, not gaslighting, blameshifting, and the silent treatment.

    I tried. He got the best of me, until he beat the best of me down. Years of being denigrated and treated with contempt will do that to a person.

    Without him, I can finally try to mend my soul. It was impossible with him.

  • “No change of circumstances can repair a defect of character.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

    I just wish the clueless Parenting Society article was recent. I would go after them with resounding response that amounts to WTF?! Of course they would probably label me a troll and respond in kind or delete me.

    I’d still do it.

    It makes me livid that there are some vulnerable, precious people out there that have been chumped, read that article, and took it to heart – becoming even more traumatized.

    I know I’m digressing here, but In my opinion, the article has the earmarks of citizen journalism. Citizen journalism is protected under the First Amendment (as it should be). However, with social media, it has increased ten-fold, and I’ve personally seen tremendous damage done because some CJs are reporting opinion as fact. A classic example of a citizen journalism outlet is Wikipedia. Here’s what that website includes in their article on this topic:
    “Critics of the phenomenon, including professional journalists, claim that citizen journalism is unregulated, too subjective, amateur, and haphazard in quality and coverage.”

    I’ve written for Wikipedia, and, even though the content there is often written by citizen journalists, I’ve also seen articles edited or even completely removed later because of erroneous information.

    I wish Parenting Society would be more astute in editing the contributions of their writers. Shame on them!

  • Get this– my mom, my only constant confidante in all this, tells me, the chump, what I need to do if my marriage is to work. Visit his parents with him and improve my relationship with my in-laws. I tell her I’d be happy to visit if my husband remained loyal. And she forgets that I didn’t visit my inlaws last time because I was planning her 70th Bday party and threw while he was away. Ungrateful Bitch. Last time I do anything nice for her.

    • Your issue with your mother reminded me of years back when I witnessed a few of my girlfriends’ mothers urging their daughters to try & work it out with shitty boyfriends. Anything to keep a man and most importantly, get married. Looking back all of these women (mothers & daughters) were dumped by jerks. One of my friends had a step father that molested her when she was a young child, it went on for some time and my friend confided in me when she was 20 or 21 years of age. She finally decided (at my urging) to tell her mother when she was about 22 years old. The mother never said a word to the scumbag deviant, never confronted him, but they split up a year later. A YEAR LATER!!!?? I was amazed that she waited a year and then I find out a few years ago that he is the one that left not her mother. Her mother is a real pisser and the most judgmental person you will ever meet. I have had to hold my tongue on many occasions.

      • I have a friend whose mom’s boyfriend came on to her when we were in high school. Mom has not broken up with him. We’re in our 30s now.

      • KB22 – granted my mom says that if I decide to leave him, she fully supports that, but that if I want to stay in the marriage there are some things I should do. that I shouldn’t be halfway in, halfway out. Um, I’m that way bc my H sometimes acts like he wants to stay married and other times he has sex in a car with slut faced whore.

        • Yeah, get a lawyer and let the skank have him. There are some really great guys out there, you can do better.

        • How can you not be half way in when you are being told half the story half the time…

  • The ONLY time the shit spewed in this article would EVER be relevant is if you, Mr. Or Ms. Chump, were cheating too!

    Using cheater logic back at the cheater to also define all of the crap in your relationship that MADE them go fuck the neighborhood and ask them the WHY you didn’t fuck around as well stops the cheater pontification cold. Don’t ever forget YOU were in the SAME marriage experiencing the SAME shit and yet…..YOU NEVER CHEATED.

    It’s not your fault, chumps. Stay strong!

    Apologies for bad grammar

    • Exactly…let us chumps go out and cheat and start pointing fingers–starting with well, you cheated!

      • I think a narc would twist that scenario as their cheating being validated (much like this article suggests), whereas a chump having a fling upon discovery would be labeled as vindictive retribution, hurtful and mean…

  • Mine is playing the “Yes-I-messed-up-but-so-did-you” card. I messed up because I went overseas to complete studies which was selfish because it only benefited me. I am trying to make it seem like it was about self-improvement and that it was for the good of our family. Tells me I hurt him and I need to do introspection. He does not seem to get the correlation between repeated betrayal and my emotional state. I was to carry on with the same blind adoration….Right. He cheated more than once. His sex life was a secret to me. He left us saying that his leaving was like when I went overseas to study. I said my study had a time frame; what is the time frame on your leaving? He blamed me for both infidelities that i found out about. He blamed me for his leaving. Tells me that I need to do some introspection.

    He can say now years later that he realised me did things to cause problems in the relationship but always the caveat but I did too. I said my mistake was thinking that I could ever really move past his cheating but from the time he did it and I found out his estimation in my eyes fell.I lost alot of respect or him. Here was a man who was willing to throw his family under a bus for sex. Unprotected sex at that. Sex he was having plenty of at home. 3-5 times a week. I would have liked it more often but his ass-hole ways (prior to DD1) were a turn off. And after DD2 the intimacy was forced. I could not look him in his eye.Always someone in the background. After DD1 I asked if he wanted the relationship. He said yes and we agreed to work at it. that meant better sneaking around for him while continuing to treat me in a hot and cold manner. Finding out that he and the last one were in cahoots…yea. My husband and his affair partner against me. Ow. That shit stings.

    Cheating ruins EVERYTHING!!! It solves nothing. It is never good for a relationship. I hate that fucked up reasoning. You know what is good for relationships? Respect, honesty, love, commitment, kindness. Cheating is the nail in the coffin. Most of us will spackle over verbal and emotional abuse (not a good thing but we do). We do so because we can argue back or fight back or whatever. But with cheating, you never have a fighting chance. It is the ultimate rejection and short of killing a spouse, it is the ultimate betrayal: to give your intimacy to someone else. To chose to share that bond so causally with others. Then they are so offended if you do the same to them. I will never date anyone who says they cheated on their spouse. I don’t care what reason they give or at what stage. I don’t care for the twisted justification. I know what it entails and I don’t want a person capable of such in my life. They may never cheat sexually but deceit, lies and cheating are not exclusive to romantic relationships. Such persons are often just untrustworthy in general.

    Adultery is still a sin. I hate all the cute embellishments for it. And not I am not being preachy because these cheating shits want marriage and family (which is from God), they want all the perks of holy matrimony, they want to look like saints but want to roll like whores. No. Pick one!!! It is fucking unfair to spouses who are putting in the extra work while these people play away. What the hell kind of love is that?!

    I said to mine I had multiple reasons to justify adultery including the fact that he had been unfaithful but my CHOICE not to do so had very little to do with him and more about who I was. I do not understand how they return to us and look us in the eye and carry on. Sick sick sick. How do you return home after screwing some one a few minutes earlier? How do they get to such a human low? Don’t they ever think to stop? It blackens their souls and it starts to show in their countenance. A puffed-up smug look. The love of deceit.
    In my society I have a shot in hell finding a faithful man. Cheating by men is condoned , expected and overlooked. It is the manly thing to do..screw your wife over and laugh about it with your male friends. And the betrayed wife of course is blamed and she tries even harder.

    Yes…long unburdening. There is more but I am cutting out.

    • Agree with everything you just said.

      In the old testament you were killed for committing adultery. That is how serious this sin is.

  • I hate cheaters with a fierce passion. All cheaters. Anyone who breaks a vow of fidelity, decency and honor is a miserable excuse for a human. Asswipe still does not get how his cheating hurt more than just me. He says to me when we all get together for Xmas. Wtf! No more family holidays for me and he’s already started the sharing the kids bullshit. Hey, they are grown they can go where they want. Jesus what an asshole. He cheated nobody got hurt right, right?! All stay friends, one big happy family. God what a bunch of delusional losers! I’m staying single I will never give anyone a chance to screw me over again. I never cheated and never would have. I have honor and integrity. Cheaters just suck.

  • Oh and after telling his family about all this one of them says “ok we know now that he’s cheating, but do we know why?” WHY? Because he’s a cake eater. He likes cake. Please stop with the fucking why!

    • Your response? “Why? Because he’s a fuckwit, thats why. A disordered fuckwit. And if you take his side in justifying his shit, you are a fuckwit too. And you can toddle off and go crawl into a hole.”

  • “You weren’t so awful to divorce. You’re just awful enough to cheat on.”

    I have a (chump) confession… I am sorry to say that I am absolutely guilty of each and every point made in the original article.

    1. “Letting yourself go.” I fully admit I enjoy good beer and food. So, yes. After 20 years marriage, yes I do have a small beer belly. I also ride about 2,500 miles a year to offset the effects of said beer and food. I am also able to avoid medications to keep my cholesterol levels in check. But yes, I am 25 pounds heavier from when we met in college.

    But I shouldn’t bring up my cheating wife’s total lack of exercise, eating habits, sugar drinks, diabetes, medications, and resulting 100 pound increase since when we met in college. It hurts her feelings if I gently bring up her lack of healthy habits.

    2. “Taking your spouse for granted.” Guilty as charged. I am oblivious to all the work she puts in to shuttle the kids to and from school, write the checks for all the bills, shops, picks-up dinner, and schedules the people to clean the house. And I am especially oblivious to how she works hard at her nine months a year/four days a week/six hours a day job.

    But as a chump, I can’t bring up that I commute an hour each way to my professional job (so we can stay in a good school district), keep up the yard myself, cook dinner when she’s too tired to pick it up, keep her house picked up, help the kids with homework, and share laundry duty on the weekends. I also can’t bring up that my paychecks go toward the mortgage, HOA dues, taxes, insurance, retirement accounts, food, electricity, phones, internet, clothing, house cleaners, kids lessons, and the occasional vacation every couple of years.

    3. “Directing your attentions elsewhere.” Yup. Guilty! Again, I ride about 2,500 miles a year which takes time away from her and the kids. I also never called her or texted her during the day because she works with kids and cannot be seen on her phone.

    But I have to ignore the fact that she spent most days on her phone sexting, facebooking, and talking with her lover at work and at home in front of me and the kids.

    4. “No longer investing in the marriage.” Yes. I fully admit that I did give up. I didn’t heed her advice when she concluded that I needed intense counseling and heavy doses of anti-depression medications because I was making her so miserable.

    But I’m a complete jerk because I mention that she took the time to create fake email addresses, fake facebook accounts, fake profiles, and fake friends so she could join a BDSM facebook fuckbuddy club to meet other people who shared an interest in nipple clamps and telling her how pretty she looked in leather straps.

    5. “Falling into the blame trap.” Okay… I’m not so guilty for this. I absolutely refused to accept responsibility or admit that I cause all the misery in her life. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m a chump and still feel a mountain of guilt (I’m a chump. It’s my job). But even I recognized that her blame was pure bullshit.

    However, I’m still an asshole because I continue to rub her nose in the fact that her “wonderful man,” “perfect lover,” “forever angel,” and “love of her life,” also happens to be a piece of shit asshole married with a kid. I get bonus asshole points because I remind her that he even cheated on her with other women.

    6. “Letting sex fall by the wayside.” I’m sorry, but if the most sexuality she can muster is a quick hand-job, I’m good by myself. Thanksanyway. Evidently, she has a hard time verbalizing her needs and would rather “show” me what she likes.

    But a chump would never bring up how she spent six months, thousands of texts, phone calls, and online hours with her facebook fuckbuddies describing how much she enjoys her leather and nipple clamps.

    7. “No longer listening to your partner.” Absolutely! I DID stop listening. There comes a time when you’re so beat down and done fighting. I simply accepted blame just to minimize the beat down and shut her up. It was far easier to give in early than face an hour-long diatribe picking apart everything she finds revolting about me.

    • Betrayed no more, surely there is more to the story. I bet you paid a bill late or something that caused her to cheat? Perhaps many years ago you made a disparaging comment about nipple clamps? Something like that would have sent me into the arms of another at a cheap motel in a matter of minutes.

  • I would love to see an article for this blog called Why You Cheated (so its searchable) and have all the bullet points you talk about. So people realize its on THEM.
    1. Escape (you can’t handle life or problems in a mature way so you avoid them in a motel room)
    2. You are selfish; you think you are above your vows and they don’t apply to your greed.
    3.. You aren’t brave enough to talk to your spouse about your problems
    4. You pick fights to villify your partner therefore making it Ok in your mind to cheat
    5. You lack the character to act in a way that is respectful to your partner even if you’re unhappy, by choosing to cheat instead of leaving the relationship.

    Of course, all articulated in the CL way with more points ( better than I can in this post)

    • Nice List. I will add

      6. You think your “love” is better and more deserving and more spiritual than your spouse’s “love” and thus your “love” is entitled to search for more better love outside the marriage.

      7. You rewrote history to tell a false story of you meeting you spouse’s needs, but your spouse not meeting your needs when in fact, the reverse was true.

      8. You place more value on a sext or a text from a relative stranger than on the real, committed, hard work (blood, sweat and tears) that your spouse has sacrificed and given to make your life, and your kids lives, better.

      9. You rationalize your affair by saying it was a spiritual path that could not have been resisted (see #6: your love is better and more deserving than that of your spouse’s. You are and your precious love is not to be denied.)

      10. All of the pain inflicted was worth it because of all the learning and truth it encouraged. Without the pain of the affair, neither you, your spouse, or the AP and his/her family would have had such opportunities for growth.

  • I heard everything on that list and I will add a #7(b): “You refuse to write a Christmas letter (bragging about how awesome things are).” I could think of some wonderful things to share with our friends and family this year! Just ordered our cards and if he complains about the simple holiday greeting, I will ask if he would prefer I caption a bunch of photos with how each trip coincided with Florence plotting, stalking, lying, threatening or breaking the law?

  • This article is ridiculous and insulting.

    The only people I see endorse these ideas are those who are cheating.

    Imagine if this article was about rape. Did she wear a short skirt? Yes? Then clearly she deserved to be violated in the most awful of ways.

    Our culture would rather blame victims than place the onus of accountability where it belongs–on the perpetrator.

    Infidelity is Intimate Partner Violence. Period.

    This author has no real credibility. Prior articles include topics such as “15 Easy After School Snack Ideas,” “8 Sweet Apple Recipes for Fall,” and “7 Great Tailgate Recipes.”

    Perhaps she should stick to recipe ideas and stay away from topics outside of her area of competency.

    • When she’s not making snacks, she’s cooking up reasons why cheating isn’t her fault.. Her husband might want to read this huge red flag of an article.

  • I read and commented on this a while back, maybe when it first ran. I’ve come to the conclusion sites like the one CL referenced like to think they are ‘fixing’ a huge problem. There’s really only one fix for the problem, and that’s honesty. Don’t cheat, just tell the truth. If you’re miserable, just tell the truth. Every marriage has it’s bad times, but wouldn’t you rather go through a period of time where your spouse says “I’m just not feeling it right now and we need to reconnect.” then go through “the secretary/maintenance man and I have a real connection”? What sites like that miss, and CL does not, is the simple idea that choice is on the side of the cheater, not the other way around. What about all those marriages where a spouse does 1-7 and DOESN’T cheat? What about all those people who fight through those tough times together and don’t cheat? There’s a whole subsection of our culture that are cheaters. They had no issue, no remorse, no willingness to look at themselves. So our society naturally answers this by putting out all the reasons someone who had no choice is the problem. Blame the victim, it’s what we’re truly good at in our society. Blame the victim.

    • Scott

      My impression was this was written by a cheater and they pulled out all the justification that excuses their behavior. Either that or by some slunT who tells herself she’s special.

  • There seems to be this general idea in society that the person most willing to change, take responsibility, review their own behavior, etc. needs to be pressed into doing MORE MORE MORE to make up for the LESS LESS LESS of the other side. When I question people about it, the answer is some variation of “Oh, but narky is just impossible/ would never step up / etc.” In other words, a variation of “someone has to be the bigger person.” Why? Sure, it isn’t pleasant to see narky explode and sulk and go nuclear and ruin things for everybody. But working around them is REWARDING THEM FOR BEING AN ASS. See how comfortable they are, enjoying the fact that they won? Again? By making things better for this 5 minutes, it sets up the next 5, 10 or 50 years to be a hell on earth.

    And the two-faced ness of it. Cheating is cool and romantic. Cheaters are in pain and need understanding. I really don’t understand this at all. I don’t believe in vilifying anyone as a sub-human, but there are subhuman actions and patterns. Why why why would anyone make these kind of excuses for them on the assumption it is the cheater’s side that deserves the most compassion?

    • Totally agree Ohana. “someone has to be the bigger person” I seriously hate this line. It’s another form of control. The world is full of cheaterspeak guru’s that point the finger at a faithful spouse and say, “don’t overreact!” or “don’t go tell anyone else” or “just wait it out”. What a crock of sh*t. Seriously, would you tell a parent who just had a child die to watch how they react? Would you tell a POW that they must love their captures, now that they’re free? The absolute arrogance of people is amazing to me. I advocate one and only one solution thing for faithful spouses: whatever legally works for the faithful spouse is fine by me. Put up a billboard, sell all his/her valuables in a garage sale when they’re moony eyed with their OW/OM, file divorce on day one, tell 1,000 people. Whatever you need to do, in compliance with the law, and in order to heal, make yourself feel better, or move on, do it. Cheater be damned.

  • My piece of shit cheating wife, the same one the touched his privates, but her mouth god knows where, came home tucked my kids into bed, kissed them goodnight, did whatever with me, got up the next morning, looked herself in the mirror and said something similar to “yep, i can do this” and kept doing, then told me she was not happy and it was my fault

    the blameshifting piece of shit even fooled me into believing because, well i am a trusting ass and loved her
    blameshifting cheaters come in both genders

    • Yes they do come in both genders, and I’m starting to conclude, from others, that there seem to be just as many cheating women as men. It’s just that many men serm to try to be chivalrous and don’t talk about the betrayal. You don’t hear about it as much. I’ve concluded that I’ll tell the truth to anyone who’ll listen. It’s not my problem to keep secret.

      • I agree, Marked711. Not my problem HE cheated. Not yours SHE cheated. It was bottom line all theirs. And aren’t we grand!?! I recognize now that my ex (and yours) is never going to be a good decent person because his default setting for ANY challenge in his life is to look for that FIX outside of himself. They never address their life choices. Chumps, this is where we SHINE. We know how to handle the hard stuff and look inside ourselves for strength. Cheaters don’t have that life skill.

        • Wow, nice Drew! I do think we are stronger, and we make actual choices when we come to an important fork in the road of life. Why do you think these weak cheaters try so hard to hang on to us? We put on our armour and get shit done!
          I am proud of my life, and so is my family, even though I am divorced. Actually, I’m proud of that, too. I did not lay down and let a cheater trod all over me forever! I showed him what my values are, and always will be.
          I’m glad so many of us feel strong, yeah!

          • Asswipe cheated on every single woman he has ever been with including the latest whore. Just a stinking down right dirty fuckwad is all he is and will ever be and ignored his own kids for two of the ho’s. He truly does suck.

  • Wow, I can so relate to this. I heard it was my fault from the Ow and soon to be Ex; he told me i didn’t have sex on golf course when no one there, didn’t make movies of myself and he didn’t like it when i would get sick and my voice is too loud. Now she told me i was unhealthy for him and after being a SAHM (his choice) for 17 years with part time working that i was not smart enough and i should go to university because that is what she did when her husband left? Ok she came from China and worked in my ex’s cafeteria and i am the loser?????? After almost 2 years he still say’s he did nothing wrong; that he did not cheat. Ok sitting in car and emotionally connecting and telling me his wife “he would have sex with me but i could not tell her”. Maybe i was not smart right away but after 2 months of pick me and that comment, he did not get his sunday dinner that was in oven but instead shown the door. I did just start school and have a nice place to live. Cheating is expensive ,but I am still waiting for the karma bus to run over him.

  • Who, Do. These. People. Think. Are. Cheaters.????

    Adonises, come down from on high, to frolic like gods among us mere mortals? Adoring and sincere spouses looking for truth and connectedness with wife/husband and children? Devoted providers to their families? Honest and authentic human beings?


    Here’s the sad little truth no one likes to talk about out there, so let me spell it out for “Parent Society”:
    WE CHUMPS were the dedicated and reliable parental influence, WE CHUMPS were the presentable and socially acceptable front that made the cheaters look legit, WE CHUMPS were often the breadwinners and steady providers, WE CHUMPS were the authentic good people, WE CHUMPS were the devoted spouses. Hell, WE CHUMPS were better in bed (not having AP’s and porn and other assorted amusements to dampen our abilities and our desires for our spouses). WE CHUMPS CARRIED THE LOAD WHILE THE CHEATERS PLAYED.

    What is that childhood saying, I’m rubber and you’re glue, everything you say about me bounces back and sticks to you? WE WERE THE ONES WHO WERE NEGLECTED, IGNORED, BELITTLED, DISRESPECTED and DEVALUED….NOT THE CHEATERS. They are just the ones who want another whiny-assed excuse for their inexplicable behavior.

    Which leads to another question I have: who the hell wrote this drivel for Parent Society anyhow? Because I can pretty much guarantee that he or she is a CHEATER.

    • It’s not hard to spot a cheater.. even if this person hasn’t cheated yet, they are setting themselves up with all the ‘reasons’ and will have a long prepared list of stupid shit to say when they get caught.

  • 1. Letting yourself go.
    Yep, sure did, so did he—- the most I ever weighed with The Evil One was about 245; the heaviest he ever was??? Around 450 pounds. Did I bitch? Hell, no!!! I suffered with postpartum depression, Stage 4/ endometriosis, cysts on my ovaries, gall bladder/pancreatitis, and hell, went through bouts of depression…all he would say was that I should be “doing more” to get back in the shape I was in when we first met….I never bitched at him when he couldn’t do shit around the house or when he got depressed himself, however, unreached out to doctors and admitted I needed help, whereas he would never go!!!!
    I’m should have noticed something was up when he started losing weight, but just figured he was trying to get rid of his diabetes thus saving us money on insurance, CHA!!! As if he would be that thoughtful/considerate!!!l

    2. Taking your spouse for granted.

    Oh, yes, totally— yeah, I totally took him for granted!? Right. I paid all the household bills, I provided insurance, I did all the cleaning, the cooking (for the most part), the childrearing for our Autistic daughter. Yeah, right, such a bitch I am. Totally took him for granted that he would be around “til death do us part…foresaking all others…”

    3. Directing your attentions elsewhere.

    Yep, my kids, my career/job, I would say my friends, but I wasn’t allowed to have friends or go out socially. My then-husband of course, made sure he had friends that I was never brought around or met, had his Shit-erado, among other various vehicles over the years that he always seemed to find the money and time to keep showroom finished, clean, customized…but my car just never seemed to get taken care of, always he would “take care of it” but never did…

    4. No longer investing in the marriage.

    I may not have been seeing stars and rainbows the last few years before he left, but I kept fighting, kept trying … He just decided to cash out and leave…looking back, I don’t think he was ever really invested— if I or whatever it was all about him, then he didn’t care.

    5. Falling into the blame trap.

    Oh yes, it was all my fault—:everything that ever went wrong was all my fault.

    6. Letting sex fall by the wayside.

    Now this one definitely does not apply…we still had good sex life, but the last few years we were together it was less frequent, more dirty— not going into the details, but it just got to the point to wherein wanted him sexually, I still wanted sex, but I just didn’t like what it had become with him.

    7. No longer listening to your partner.

    Huh? What? Oh, I’m sorry, I tuned you out asshole after 15/ minutes of you talking about your shit day and never once asking me about my day….or about how to cook something, how to fold clothes, how to do anything and everything to his specification s.

    God, articles like this make me want to puke.

    I’m so glad he left.

  • Reading through all of this, I remember when this all hit me.. how I went into trauma shock for 10 months, coming out of it for another oh.. 8 months now seeing more clearly.. I read these articles and these coaching sites for forgiveness after cheating and working to stay together. With all that happened, with all that I witnessed and could NOT believe was happening, I went through the stage of it was my fault and tried to fix myself to save us. I carried so much thinking I just did not do enough when I worked so hard and really am a good person. If I had messed up it was not from bad intention but my fault non the less right? After all, I did age, after all I was 20 pounds heavier than 23 years ago (mind you only 128lbs) after all I had to work on how I looked, after all I was boring trapped in the everyday tasks that just would not end, after all my parents care was overwhelming for a period, after all I was not doing enough, I just was not fun. OMG WTF. I WAS REALLY IMPERFECTLY PERFECT. I was pretty, happy, driven, organized, I paid him attention, I made dinner, cleaned up, food shopped, cleaned, did all laundry, took trash out, I WAS THE ONLY THING WITH A PALSE IN THE RELATIONSHIP. He wore his chair and remote out, he went out, he was miserable, he took, took took and gave NOTHING. He gained weight, lost his shape, aged, wore a friggin hat all the time, farted constantly, showed NO attention to me, LIED CHEATED WHEN OUT BOUGHT A BIKE INSTEAD OF ROOF. While I ran home, bill, his business and mine. He said when his mask fell off, I was boring, let myself go, like a roommate, didn’t want to go anywhere, not desirable all this crap. I WAS ALL OF THAT, I just had no desire to act 1/2 my age and hang out with people half my age and drink, go to bars, come home and sit in chair and fart. I ran my life top ship, I spent time with me, my family, went to parks and walked miles, ran two businesses and a home top notch. I was loyal, devoted, and just kept doing all the right things while being rejected lied to and cheated on. THE ONLY THING I DID TO TAKE PART IN OUTCOME WAS BE A CHUMP. These articles out there in my state than really set me or held me back. They were awful to read when it was HIM. those articles telling the betrayed what they did wrong and what they need to do to fix it are ALL written by NARCs for sure. I was 23 when I met him, I never could know that these disorders even existed Until NOW. I can never be what he wanted. Cold, selfish, lieing, cheating and 25 years younger. YES, THIS ALL WAS MY FAULT. IT WAS MY FAULT for loving him for who he was with no expectations of ever getting loved back. IT WAS MY FAULT HE GOT TO DO THIS TO ME, I WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO LET HIM. If I only knew ME then like I know ME know. The real devastation is 25 years total of my wasted and yes I DO BLAME ME, WHERE THE F WAS MY HEAD? I see now that he never had a thing to offer me in anyway, I think YUCK when I think I mourn this scum. What a thing to go thru but yet had I kept with all this crap these articles stated I just may not have been able to be blamed so badly.

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