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UBT: Mo’Nique’s Give Men a Pass for Cheating

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saywhat

So, this was in my Facebook feed this week, and probably yours too — comedian Mo’Nique gave an interview saying you should give your spouse a “pass to cheat” because that’s what friends are for.

The Universal Bullshit Translator was built for such moments.

Although the UBT’s heart isn’t really in it. It knows spackle when it hears it. The UBT lays odds that Mo’Nique is a chump dressing this cheating crap up as enlightened before the tabloids humiliate her with it. Oh yeah, she knew. Oh yeah, she was cool with it. What’s wrong with you? Comedians excel at turning things on their head.

To the UBT…

“Honesty. That’s it. When I hear men say ‘I don’t tell my wife everything, you crazy?’ and I hear women say ‘I ain’t telling my husband that, you crazy?’ So you mean you trust somebody else other than the person you lay with every night, you slept with, you cried with, you make love to?” she said in an interview with True Exclusives. “So I think those long lasting things is simply honesty and communication. It’s got to be your best friend. You’re laying with this person every night. If you can’t tell that person how you feel, then you’re in a bad way.”

Okeeeey. I’m with you so far. Although the UBT is sure that its best friend Mr. Rube Goldberg would not want to hear every thought it had. Like its obsession with pinecone elves. Or that time Rube went on and on about its trip to Radio Shack and they didn’t have the right kind of oscilloscope. I mean, who cares about oscilloscopes? The UBT was bored to tears, but do you tell Rube that? Or sometimes the UBT fantasizes about robotic milkers. The ones from Denmark. (OMG, the Lely brochures.) The UBT thinks some things are best not mentioned.

“The person that you stood up and you said ‘for better, for worse, sickness and in health, richer or poorer’ you took those vows in front of the universe. If you don’t live by them, then maybe you shouldn’t have taken them.

There’s also that “forsaking all others” vow. If we can pick and choose our vows, can we leave off sickness? The UBT gets really squeamish around vomit and pustules.

And when you say ‘a pass to cheat’—see, when you’re with your best friend and you say to your best friend: ‘I’m having these feelings about this person, sexually, and I want to share it with you.’ When you’re best friends, you can have those open and honest conversations.

Um, the UBT doesn’t know about conversations with your spouse, but “I really fancy Nigel’s hairy chest, whaddya think?” probably doesn’t top most husbands’ favorite conversation list. Second only to “His dick is bigger”, “I have the hots for another man” is probably a thought most self-respecting husband’s don’t want  their best friend wife to share.

UBT’s best guess at a translation here is: It’s not cheating if I tell you about it. Telling you about it, is what best friends do.

Okay, if you want an open marriage, that’s your business. But cheating means deceiving someone and disrespecting them with lies. Are you giving a pass on that?

Often times, people cheat because of something they’re not getting.

Yes, cheaters don’t get boundaries.. or character.

But when you have open and honest dialogue, and you say we’re just human beings. And all these people on the face of the earth, do you think my eyes won’t ever say ‘he’s fine’ or ‘she’s attractive’?”

Eyes can’t talk. And eyes don’t fuck other people. The genitals do that. So long is it’s just the finding another person attractive, sure, sentient people find other human beings attractive all the time. It’s crossing boundaries that’s the issue.

“Now, if you want to go further with it, let’s be honest enough to have those conversations. What is it about that person that you find that you want to sleep with?

Well, the Lely robotic milker, aside from its awesome ability to do somatic cell counts right in the refrigerated tank!, has this shiny little data processor that just makes it woozy. Real-time reporting functionality, management efficiency, the identification tracker systems… The UBT has said too much. Its transponders are overheating.

Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do.

It’s okay if you want a smorgasbord of pussy, just never leave me. 

And if that’s the case, how can I be mad?

I can’t be a smorgasbord of pussy. Who am I to expect exclusivity? If I can’t be cherished or respected, then I’ll settle for needed. I’ll make my needs really small and tell the world I’m okay with that! Me? Mad? No, I stuffed mad down into a tiny recess of my soul. It bubbles up occasionally, but I feed it a few dozen cookies and it shuts up. For awhile.

Because I’m not going to do it. Should I deprive you of not having it? That’s when the relationship is real real.”

Should I deprive you of not having a smorgasbord of pussy? Because I won’t do it! That’s when the relationship is spackle spackle.

She concluded by saying that the idea of cheating being “the end” of a relationship was a Western idea and that it was part of a culture of ownership in relationships.

“We’ve been taught to have ownership, and that’s the Western way to do it. I’m not sure where you originate from, but I originate from this place called Africa and what I know about African kings—tell me one of them who just had one wife. Do you know any of them? I don’t. That’s where I originate from.

The UBT is dumbfounded. Are you trying to argue that polygamy is progressive? Have you seen Sister Wives? Do you really want to be one of those tackily dressed women fighting over that doofus man-child husband? Meri got a new applique sweatshirt! But no one is supporting Robyn’s crafting career. Who gets marital relations with King Kody tonight? Did you check the chore list, Janelle? Service Kody, it’s right there after Bible study. 

The UBT thought you were going in the direction of open marriage. Okay. But you seem to be going in a direction of Male Privilege I’m Okay With It! Bring on the Patriarchy! The UBT wonders where your argument for multiple husbands is?

Anyway, the UBT doesn’t understand because the UBT originates from Detroit. There was no polygamy at the Wayne Stamping Plant.

So when we came here, we adopted other people’s ways, and that’s called ownership.

Monogamy is so like slavery. That time I had the wedding on the auction block, or when I was whipped for running away from monogamy. Or how all my descendants were born into monogamy against their wishes. Thank God we fought the civil war and ended monogamy. 

There was a time when I was owned before. I don’t want to be owned anymore.”

Friends don’t let friends own friends. They have honest conversations instead!

I think the UBT just blew a circuit board.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Why why WHY do these people constantly consistently obstinately conflate open marriage with cheating/infidelity?

    Isnt this a no-brainer? Talk about it first, everyone on board = open marriage. Sneak around, betray vows = cheating.

    Mo’Nique has about 33 other flavors of rationalization going on besides, but it’s such a common fallacy, I think people just auto-assume that it’s all one and the same. No cheating exists bc open marriage exists? IT IS NOT THE SAME.

    Mo’Nique, I don’t think these words mean what you think they mean.

    • Arlo – agreed. I’ve no idea why this stuff is so difficult for some people to grasp. An open marriage and cheating are fundamentally and totally different things. The ONLY things they have in common are a) marriage, and b) sex with people outside of the marriage.

      Open and honest and mutual discussion as in a above = ok.

      Sneaking around behind someone’s back as in b above ok.

    • Can’t agree enough. My marriage to X#1 was an open marriage – and he STILL managed to cheat. Cheating is when you know what the rules are, and you simply decide they don’t apply to you. Polygamy provides no more defense against cheating than monogamy does.

      • A question to anyone who can tell me the difference between polygamy and polyamory. I know monogamy is one-on-one exclusivity in a committed relationship. What’s the difference with the other two poly’s?

        • Here comes word nerd! Poly= many. (Polygon, many angles, polymer, many pieces). Polyamory: loving more than one person, multiple + “amore” to love. Polygamy (“many” marriage) subdivides into polygyny: one husband, many wives; and polyandry: one wife, many husbands. And then there’s group marriage with multiple husbands and wives which sounds like one of Heinlein’s latest novels.

          As an aside, I have a kid at X Polytechnic. Their slogan is “Poly Pride.”

  • I had never heard of this “comedian” before and hope I never hear of her again but she sounds more like a lunatic to me.

    • I saw her . She’s funny. I think she recently found love and is rationalizing and romanticizing certain issues. Her knowledge of African sexual practices is pretty limited and distorted and self serving at the moment it would seem to me.

  • Yeah, she’s been chumped. And she’s blaming it on she didn’t let him have anal sex, it appears. That was really pitiful.

    • I see the chump thing, but she also comes across as a justifying cheater to me. It’s subtle, but it seems like a strong possibility to me, like maybe “it he’s going to cheat, why not me too?”

      • That’s what I thought when I read it too Ami. My take was more ‘he’s cheated and I know it so I’m going to cheat too’.

        Also couldn’t help but think WTF about the ownership / slavery whatever she was trying to say. Some whole other issue going on there.

        Cheaters have this way of making what is really simple seem ever so complicated. If you want to fuck strange, don’t get married/involved in a relationship with someone who does not want to continue fucking you after you’ve fucked strange.

  • Talking about finding people attractive & narcs. I am so upset about my
    cheater now. in my mind all men are the same. I do not look at my cheaters in the eye (dead look/ fish eyelook) . When I go shopping etc I go “anti social mode” I do not look up when I see a man or a couple (I pretend I am on the phone) . Just thinking about .. he might be a cheater do not give “kibbles” to strangers… So upset! All men like to look in a sexual way! wth !! Remember no turkey for the cheater’s family if you are doing your exit plan!!! happy thanksgiving my CN! Do not f@@;& with stupid like CL says.

      • I struggle hard with this, too. Mentally I get that some people are honest and some aren’t. Experience bears out that honesty is super rare and the pain pops too the surface much more easily than I expect.it to at times. It’s a constantly shifting journey for me.

    • Um . . . all men are not cheaters. All couples are not getting cheated on. In my opinion, that’s a horrible way to live if you think that way. Don’t look for something to be wrong wherever you go, because not only is that going to make you incredibly sad and paranoid, it’s not true.

      There really is good in the world.

            • Picks my ass that its all he pulled from what you said.
              What it great about what you posted is that you said ‘ there really is good in the world’ that so demonstrates that we are not a bunch of whinning malcontents hating on life. No. We are not. We are trying to reclaim those lives .. Our lives. Ourselves. We see beauty. We see value in the ordinary. Life is beautiful and there is no more time for destructive self serving people. Pity them.
              Keep Rumbling!

    • I understand how you feel; I felt that way after the divorce from X#2. I was very gun-shy. As a friend of mine put it, “I saw demons in everything”. This is a symptom of PTSD. I’m so glad you felt you could share this with us here at CN, ’cause we’re all gonna tell you to RUN, not WALK to therapy. Rationally, we all know most people aren’t jerks. But after what you’ve been through, your defenses are in overdrive to protect you. A good therapist will help you figure out what the appropriate DEFCON level should be for you and to help you not be so triggered by others’ behaviors. It takes a while, but it can be done, and it’s worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Hang in there! I swear it gets better. Big hugs.

      • Sunny, you got here before me. Yes, the hyper vigilance and suspecting everyone is part of PTSD. My acute stress was on the verge of PTSD when I sought help. I totally get it. FicoChump please take the time to be good to yourself and find a good therapist.

  • Yay Africa! They got it right, sure ’nuff. Wife collecting Kings. Female circumcisions. What’s not to love?
    I’ll keep monogamy & stay right here where I “Own” my own pussy, thankyouverymuch.

      • And many Africans are monogamous & against cheating & open marriage or polygamy.. That she holds up archaic & ridiculous practices (As you reference below – Kings’ wives don’t get a choice) to bolster her argument is what I was addressing, sarcastically.

      • We have a shitload of genital mutilation right here- circumscision. Just about all guys in my generation endured this mutilation.

    • We have multiple cultures in Africa, some of which are very western.

      Perhaps you should visit our beautiful continent and meet some of the beautiful people before you make such sweeping generalisations.

    • And here’s yet another thoughtless comment. I’ve said it before on another post when people were talking shit about an OW who was Asian and some chumps made some really offensive comments about her ethnicity and where she’s from.That shit flies around here and it’s NOT cool. Once I read the bit where Monique mentioned African Kings I knew there were gonna be disgusting and offensive comments and I wasn’t disappointed!

      • I think the comments were to highlight Mo’niques ridiculous statements. What a stupid thing to say and generalize about an ENTIRE continent! Kind of like me stating that the continent of Australia propagates that one cannot be a true Australian if they do not consume, with gusto, fermented yeast. And that generationally, wherever you are living today, you are not true to your kinsman if you do not continue to eat it.

        • ANC gets it! Thanks! Both traditions (polygamist Kings, the mutilation of female genitalia) are oppressive, & absurd example for an ‘African’ woman to use as cultural basis to ‘sell’ progressive freedom of sexual choice within the confines of Western monogamy.

  • I jump right to, so if the shoe was on the other foot, and she cheated, would he be ok with that too? My Stbx told me right up front, even though he serial cheated right through the entire 13 year Marriage, and I just found out 13 months ago, that he would not have stayed with me if it had been me cheating on him. So wow, how forgiving I was during the year long wreckonciliation, all fake of course, to hide his shitty character flaws from the world, all the while the wonderful wife keeping his squeaky clean image going. Surprise surprise…this wife is done, image will get a good ol slap in the face. I have more crap on him then twenty cheaters! I’m thinking of making a Christmas card of all the naked photos of him and all his “playmates!” Well, it’s fun to think anyway!

    Just wanted to say….I don’t often comment, but can not get through the day without this blog! I have passed it on to my support group, therapists, and every other woman who I have talked to that is in the same situation…and sadly this year long education into the dark abyss of cheaters, crappy character, cluster B disorders, and just plain creeps, has opened my eyes much more then I ever wanted to know! This site saved my sanity, and a close friends who’s husband was cheating righting along with my cheater husband, together…nice professional guys!

    • LOL, that’s a great idea for a Christmas card 😉 We had some similarly kooky ideas a couple of weeks ago in the forums.

    • Jenpen : how about Christmas calendars for the whole family and close friends. You know – January is cheater with his ho ho ho in Aspen, naked in a hot tub, while April showers naked with Tina from work.

      You could circle the special dates such as your std testing or the day you found the Viagra in his suitcase. You know – all the good times !!!

      Or sneak the pictures into your family albums. Oh look Laura lost her first tooth on the same day you took pictures of your junk in the bathroom and sent it to multiple women on Craig’s List!!!

  • That is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. So does this mean he gets some anal now that he has been sticking that nasty thing in other people ? I did some things I disrespected myself for after the ex was out fucking a whore but it doesn’t even come close to this.

  • Mo’nique, you’ve been chumped….and now you want to look like all is well, after the fact. Isn’t the purpose of marriage,monogamy? Don’t tell us that we should give them a pass. I supposed to pass off getting checked for STD’s because he didn’t use a condom with her? What then for all the men chumps ? What about those who now have to paternity check their kids? Is it ok on their end too? It’s called cheating for a reason.

      • That’s how I found out X#1 was cheating… and I made sure to do that after X#2 and I split. As long as I live, I will never forget the look on my doctor’s face when I told her I needed one. She thought we’d been the perfect couple and was still shocked that we’d divorced. I never thought a person’s eyes could get that big. It was almost like what you see in the cartoons.

  • I find cheaters want an open marriage. Open only to them! Seems that they want us to be monogamous while they search for a better pole or hole! I do not care how people define their marriage as long as both parties are aware and agree! The lying the is never justified!

    • In the beginning when my STBX was begging me not leave, I said ok we will just have an open marriage so we can each fuck who we want and stay married. Oh hell no he wasn’t haven’t that!!!

    • Yes DavidB, I finally figured out what X wanted one day- a one-sided open marriage! When I told him, he acted like I was crazy, but that was just his go-to response to anything I figured out.

  • I’ve just got to say that the UBT was in rare form today! No monogamy at the Wayne Stamping Plant? Fought the Civil War to end monogamy? Oh, and UBT waxing poetic about the Lely robotic milker? *Snort* Tracy, you are hilarious!

    As for Mo’Nique? She’s a narc who’s been chumped trying to do damage control before the National Enquirer releases their photos of her significant other tied to a tree with barbed wire while a man dressed as Phyllis Diller flogs him with an opera length evening glove. If that’s what he wants, how can she be mad?

  • Comparing monogamy to slavery offends me as a civil rights lawyer and a faithful spouse. You know what’s like slavery? Nothing. Not monogamy, not factory farming, not mandatory vaccinations–nothing. And shame on you Mo’Nique for making such a callous analogy.

    • Another idiot celebrity. Anything she says is about as important to me as Charlie Sheen announcing he has HIV. I have no fucks to give.

    • Thank you Mr. Chumplady!

      I, too, was offended by the comparison. As male slaves were forced by their masters to have multiple sex partners (read: used as studs) in order to increase their slaveholdings, cheating or open marriage is more closely aligned with slavery than is monogamy. Perhaps if Monique pulled her head out of her ass and actually put it inside of a book, that would be clear to her. As Africa is a continent, there are actually countries in Africa (and existed during the time which she uses to excuse her acceptance of totally disrespectful treatment) where polygamy is not practiced because they are Christians. Perhaps she should also study geography.

      • There are cultures where they don’t practice polygamy because they just don’t and not because they are Christians thank you very much!

        • I’m aware of that YoungChump. I simply used that as an illustration because just like Monique spoke about Africa as though it was some homogeneous country, as opposed to a multi-faceted, multi-cultural continent, there are many people, of which she is probably one, who is unaware that people who live on that continent practice many faiths (or none), and have for centuries. I’m always hearing about “missionary” trips to “convert” the poor uniformed or misinformed people in Africa, as if Christianity (or monotheism) didn’t exist in Africa prior to the travel of missionaries. Monique implies in her rationalization that the “Western” Judeo-Christian ethic is at the root of why people are judging her relationship, as she is descended from people who were not rooted in that belief system which is why no one understands her relationship. I simply called “bullshit” on it because it’s a specious argument and I simply threw her “Western” (read: Judeo Christian) argument back in her face because I doubt she can fully trace her ancestry and definitely say whether her ancestors practiced monogamy, polygamy, were Muslims, Christians or Hindu, more’s the pity.

  • I found the part of comparing him to an African King hilarious!! lol More like despotic tyrant. “Man wants more pussy. Me wants lotsa lotsa and also poop shoot sex”! It’s just plain sad that chumps get used by these people who don’t seem to really love but need us as comodities. Dependence is actually the antithesis of love!! If they can’t stay monogamous why suck us in their web of lies, why not continue life as a bachelor?

  • Actually through out the ages Kings had rights to their subjects, this includes European ones not just Africans. They were in most cases savages who lacked empathy and dehumanized the gentry.

    • “Actually through out the ages Kings had rights to their subjects, this includes European ones not just Africans.”

      Yep. Henry VIII had Catherine of Aragon (marriage annulled), Anne Boleyn (executed), Jane Seymour (died in childbirth), Anne of Cleves (marriage annulled), Catherine Howard (executed) and Catherine Parr (survived). Didn’t know he was African. Thanks for the history lesson, Mo’Nique!

      • And Catherine Howard was executed for adultery. Seems Henry VIII wasn’t into open marriage except as it applied to him.

  • A REAL man or woman spends their life satisfying ONE person, not trying to satisfy themselves with countless others.

    I’ll remain a monogamous chump. And STD free thank you. ..STD’ s are on the rise….throat cancer from HPV virus. Nice huh?

  • Gagh….I was with her until: “Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do. And if that’s the case, how can I be mad?”

    Umm…what now?

    The last bit is obviously irrelevant. Gee – my ancestors are from Rome (Italy) and more than likely they were slaves. (If you know your history most people were not free regardless of their skin color.) Duh, does anyone like ownership?

    Sort of interesting mind-fuckery logic! Reminds me of my EX, lol.

    CL, I did really like the share you had on twitter https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201511/is-texting-or-sexting-cheating — excellent!!!

    • Did you just try to imply that the enslavement, displacement, murder and torture of millions of Africans wasn’t a big deal because you’re coming across that way with your most people weren’t free anyway comment. I’m disgusted.

      • I don’t think that was her point YC — I don’t think she’s trying to minimize African slavery. Just that other cultures had slavery. (And still do.)

        I would think if anyone is trivializing slavery, it’s Mo’Nique who compares it to monogamy!

      • My apologies, that was not my intent.

        What I meant to say — is that the rules my great-great-great-great-great grandparents had regarding their relationships/marriage are not relevant today.

  • This is but one of a gazillion reasons I choose to stay away from Facebook :-O Though maybe if I hadn’t, my PHI would still be secure and I wouldn’t have a crazy woman out there with my SSN.

    I have to go wipe the tears out of my eyes from the Sister Wives parody.

    And, really? She thinks there is a reason to compare monogamy to slavery? WTF ;|

  • When anyone married says, “I can have this, I can have that”, it’s pure entitlement. And I can also sit at a bar and have this or that. Why stay married? She thinks she’s open minded to the WORLD, nevertheless. It’s just another plug for her new show. What ever happened to dignity and class?

  • I really wish people would get over the idea that your spouse exists to always grant your every wish. My ex never did everything I would have liked, yet I never felt it was my right to get it in some other way or from some other person. My parents never gave me whatever I wanted, am I to assume they didn’t love me? That they were bad parents? That I should’ve tried to get over on them, or sever ties altogether? Isn’t part of being mature recognizing that you will never be getting everything exactly your way, and being fine with that? You don’t marry a genie, they are human with their own feelings and desires and even two people madly in love and committed disappoint each other at times. It is called LIFE.

  • The sad thing about this is that Monique has been cheated on several times, and I suspect this is her defense mechanism to protect herself from additional ridicule from friends, family and fans. I also don’t think she really believes that people cheat because they’re missing something. This is a cry from a woman who’s been mistreated so badly that she now has self esteem issues and covering up the hurt with smiles.

  • Isn’t this really the same old “It’s complicated” when it’s really not complicated at all?

    If both parties agree to a monogamous relationship then that’s what it should be. If one of the parties decides the marriage is now open after both have agreed otherwise, then my answer to Mo’Nique is as follows: If I know my boundaries and understand my worth, it’s perfectly acceptable to make it “the end” because I did not agree to him or her sleeping around while I was still married.

    As to wanting certain things sexually that the other person doesn’t want to provide. That should also be vetted before you say those two magical words “I do”. I know there are some things that some people (poop shoot sex springs to mind or whips and chains etc.) won’t do. If those are your boundaries, adult conversations should be had about it up front. If you’re not compatible in the sexual area, the answer is don’t get married; not go out and get your jollies off with someone else.

    It’s really not complicated Mo’Nique!!

  • Absolutely right DavidB. X-hole was already seeing his married Owhore and I suggested (for financial and my health reasons) that we both remain in the home and keep to ourselves, like “roommates”. You do your thing, I’ll do mine. You mind your business, I’ll mind mine. His response…”I’m NOT living with you while you’re dating other people”. They are just bizarre.

  • What a bunch of useless babble! As for…“Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do. And if that’s the case, how can I be mad?”

    Ummm…I can be mad….mad as hell. Who the fuck says that cheaters are getting something elsewhere because they CAN’T or aren’t getting it at home?? That’s operating under the assumption that they have voiced these wants and needs…to US….before seeking it elsewhere. They don’t communicate their needs because they don’t communicate. Mine spoke in code just so he’d have an excuse to be mad and go fuck around. All he ever did was complain about shit that I could not “fix” for him so he could blame me for failing him. The REAL issue with this is that I have a HUGE problem being intimate with my SO when I’m not privy to knowing WHERE he is sticking his unit when he is bringing that shit to me.

    When you agree to not have sex with other people, as opposed to making a shared decision to both bang whomever you want. The difference is in the choosing. Cheaters choose FOR us without telling us.

    • I have been thinking about this lately too- Who says your partner has to be your everything, to be valid? Is it possible, that any quality my partner may think of, I have to embody, or any sex act he can imagine, I have to enthusiastically do? Why can’t I be accepted, loved, and even understood, just as I am (and how he met me)?
      I’m going to blame my favorite demon, the information age, for putting all these ideas in weak people’s heads. No, you can’t have everything, dammit, and one partner can’t morph into whatever you desire this week! I wish I could find someone who will embrace me in all my imperfections, and stop looking around for ‘more and better’!
      *Off soapbox*
      Great UBT today, as usual CL!
      You do the world a fine service, cutting through the BS.

      • Sadly, it is never “more” or “better” just “new” or “strange.” Disordered will dump “real” for “fake” any chance they get. When someone truly loves and values you, small imperfections never negate the great qualities we possess. Cheaters are crap people who make crap life choices. Not much we can do with that.

  • I don’t know anything about her, but I can’t help but feel somewhat sorry for her. This reads like a desperate attempt to throw a sheet over the truth. Maybe her husband cheats on her, and she’s trying to make herself and everyone around her believe that she can handle it.

    Maybe she wonders whether she’s worthy of love, of monogamy, of respect. So she changes the narrative: I am better than monogamy. I am a queen. I feel beautiful and happy. This is my choice. He’s my best friend. I’m in control.

    It’s a sad charade, and she may be a long way from seeing that, if she ever does.

    • My first thought, Mo’Nique is pretending to be the open minded, understanding wife to justify her husband infidelity. I too feel sorry for her, she evidently has little respect for herself and a low self esteem.
      Mo’Nique is hanging on to a man who has in my opinion is no longer values their marriage or Mo’Nique..
      It’s a matter of time before she will be announcing the end of their marriage.
      Making the announcement regarding her openminded thinking and understanding of her husband, with her list of justifications, husband’s booty preference, African Kings, Western Culture, she sounded as if she was making pathetic attempt to hold on to her marriage and prove to her husband how truly understanding she is. An act of desperation, anything to hold on to her man. Spackle, dance, look, this is quite the original dance.
      See I’m the best dancer..,
      I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the excuses she listed originated from her “back it up” loving hubby.
      Hopefully Mo’Nique will snap out of it and come to her senses before her husband’s inevitable exit.

  • Re: STD I started crying at the doctor’s office. When I called for the appointment I was at work., and the lady asked me. What is the reason for the visit? I hung up !! I couldn’t say it outloud! when they give you the paper for the blood test!! It has in big letter “Use glove, HIV blah blah sample”! It was so humiliating!! 🙁

    • FicoChump, I had to have an STD test at 61 years of age and I have only ever been with my ex husband. The humiliation is soul crushing and I cried like a baby in front of my doctor who is a lovely and very understanding young man. His kind words to me, made me realise that not all blokes are the same. I wanted to literally die that day but we do get through and survive as well as thrive. As I have stated before that had I not been clear and safe, my ex husband would be in a grave and I would be sitting in a gaol cell now.

      • Fico

        When I opened his healthcare statement and saw multiple Dr visits to a clinic and read, HIV testing it crushed me. When I made the appointment I told them I caught my husband cheating with multiple partners and wanted STD testing. When I went to have the blood test I told them the same. Sorry it hurts so much.

      • Me too, Maree. Before I married asshat I did a full panel, just as an FYI baseline. I had had other partners before him and knew I did not have any STDs but still, HIV scared the heck out of me and I wanted to come into this permanent relationship aware of everything.

        So the second time I did my full STD panel was 2yrs ago. Bawling my eyes out at my doctor’s office. Disbelief, terror of knowing the results and humiliation.

        Big hugs to all of us. This sucks.

  • I have not had a chance to read the whole thread so sorry if someone has said this already but…

    “She concluded by saying that the idea of cheating being “the end” of a relationship was a Western idea and that it was part of a culture of ownership in relationships.”

    So if I if I free myself from the cheater, that is a culture of ownership? That makes no sense. Isn’t it the opposite?

    Culture of ownership = can’t end the relationship with the cheater (e.g. like the King’s wives)

    Culture of freedom = I am free to end the relationship. I am not owned by the cheater.

  • The “open and honest” line.

    My cheater would say such things even while cheating on me and going to marriage therapy sessions where she claimed this was the problem…from MY end! Yeah, right.

    What a Trojan Horse! How is cheating ever “open and honest”? If that is the goal, then honestly say that you do not want to be monogamous FIRST! Better yet, make this discovery before you marry a poor trusting chump (who vowed with you to be monogamous) and save us all the drama and trauma of your morally bankrupt self-discovery!

    I think she purposefully omitted “forsaking all others” part of the vows because then these thoughts would look absolutely ridiculous. It was a promise. A vow. Pursuing other people is breaking that solemn vow. Breaking vows are not “open” or “honest” behavior.

  • My reading is that Mo’nique doesn’t do anal, but her male partner wants it. That bit about them needing or wanting something you just won’t do seemed to indicate this.

    So she’s OK with him getting that elsewhere. Hoo boy.

  • I call BS on the whole thing. Unfortunately, too many people were raised in situations where men cheated, and women piy up with it as long as they took care of home.

  • Maybe she’s right. Maybe ‘cheating as destructive force’ is a Western notion.

    I am just fine with that, because mthere are a lot of Western notions I am also fine with. These include women having the right to vote, just voting itself in peaceful representative democratic elections, indoor plumbing, tampons, not dying in childbirth, freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and having my own teeth and living to be over 35 due to sanitation, vaccination, a good diet, and the rule of law.

    Anf the Oxford comma, which is one of the high points of Western civilisation, along with Palestrina, Morten Lauridsen, and the contents of the National Gallery in London.

    Western notions rock.

    • You might add that likely all of us here got married to our cheaters in “a Western notion.” Hence the vows we took. Had I exchanged vows with my Asshat ex-wife in a tribal ceremony in Kenya or the Royal Court of Micronesia, I think I would’ve noticed.

  • I love Mo’Nique. She is an incredible actress. Sounds like the ol’ chump spackle BIG TIME. She deserves better. She deserves a faithful spouse. She deserves someone who loves her.

    We all made excuses and justifications for our asshats’ behavior — until we didn’t.

    Nothing worse than watching the demise of a marriage from the other side knowing exactly what is going to happen — sooner or later. Hopefully, sooner.

    • Let her make excuses and justifications for HER cheater. When she makes them for MINE, she becomes part of the RIC and deserves to be called on it. She’s an incredible actress? So fucking what. The world is full of talented actresses, comedians, politicians, surgeons, and military heroes who cheat on their families. And they are all assholes. Every single one.

  • Here are vows ‘we took

    I, ________, take you, ________, for my lawful husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.

    Here is what the cheater heard:

    I, just another Chump, take you, Marginal human being, without compassion, honesty or integrity, for my sort of lawful husband, to have and to

    hold,unless you Chump get sick or I get pursued by the office ho, or unless you Chump say no to anal from this day forward, for better, for all the

    loads you chump will carry for me because I am basically a lazy lump of humanity, for richer because I expect you Chump to increase my net

    worth, I plan on spending liberally on booze cigars and anything I want but will scrutinize any penny you spend on all your interests, in health,mine

    mainly, I will expect to be waited on hand and foot when i am sick but will basically ignore you when you are sick until unsavory affair do us part.

    The Cheater Postscript: Once we do part I plan on playing the victim and playing how hurt I was when I walk away from you even though you have a chronic illness and are very vulnerable. I will threaten to sue you for defamation of character when you tell the truth about how I treated you during the divorce. i will do everything I can to harass you, including dragging our kids into the fray. I will expect everyone to accept the new ho without any comment because I picked her so that makes her simply sparkling like glitter.

  • my guess is Mo’nique never signed a pre nup… And her cheating ass husband will take her for every penny. So she is given a script from his lawyer… And if she dont want to pay the King for the rest of his live long life… She says he gets a pass.

  • I have done additional research on this post (UK Daily Mail, Wikipedia). Mo says she has an open marriage in that her and her husband are honest with each other regarding their attraction to other people. If they wanted to physically act on that attraction, they would talk to their partner about it.

    In other words, sex outside the marriage would not be a deal breaker as long as both parties were aware.

    She is not a proponent of lying or cheating.

    Not my cup of tea, but to each his own.

    • She has a responsibility to know the difference between an open relationship and cheating before she makes public pronouncements about either. If her fault lies more in profound moral ignorance than an intent to defend cheating, she deserves to be called on that as well. Like people whose ignorance causes them to spout views that are racist, homophobic, or misogynistic.

  • I wonder when ‘they’ started having that open marriage.

    And if he told her, or if she found out that they now had an open marriage.

  • Monique is a common first name in French. But Mo’Nique sounds like Mo’Fucks. Because Nique is slang for Fucks. What a nice twist in her name.

  • I still think Real Life Cheaters are the best antidotes to Hollywood portrayals of fictional cheaters. MoNique and her Permission to Cheat article just sounds exactly like what it is. A desperate woman’s attempt to save her marriage to a cad. Nothing glamorous there.

    Her husband is fucking around on her, and obviously isn’t planning to stop. So she basically has two choices in that scenario. Kick his cheating, lying ass to the curb, or say Hey, I’m cool with this shit. Not many people are going to see this as a bold move, or progressive thinking, or anything good. Just a sad woman, making a fool of her self over a loser of a “man.” He’s no African king, he’s just an ordinary skirt chaser, Mo. Sorry.

  • Mo’ sad stories.
    Mo’ cheating
    Mo’ Spackle
    Mo’ mindfuckery
    Mo’ Unnecessary pain & agony.
    Mo’ Deja Doo Doo – Haven’t I wished I was never here before?

    • So sad and so foolish.. By making these public  statements, she is condoning his adultery. As in legal CONDONATION.  Even if she gets tired of him and his nonsense¸  she can NEVER divorce him for adultery

  • Gagh…I hate falling for click bait. Yesterday I read that she has an open marriage and that it was her idea. And guess what? The happy couple will host a radio show in 2016 to share their secrets.

    http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/monique-clarifies-open-marriage-to-sidney-hicks-it-was-my-idea-w158048

    Personally, if that is what you both want, who am I to judge. But I wish she could stay away from the non-progressive rationalizations.

  • “but when we first got together I was still stuck in being famous and a celebrity and being a star, and I felt like I could have whatever I want. So I was still in an insecure place of, ‘I can have that, I can have that, I can have that.’ And because I was dealing with my best friend, my best friend said, ‘If that’s what you think you need, as your best friend, I don’t want to stand in the way of it.’”

    So Sidney Hicks is the chump here. Poor guy.

  • Flag the tape for when her marriage blows up and either she’s cheating (the reason she offered the free pass, to assuage her guilt) or he’s cheating. The cheater has fallen for the free pass instead of their spouse.

    Mark my words, in the next 5 years, you’ll be reading about such a scenario in their marriage.

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