So, this was in my Facebook feed this week, and probably yours too — comedian Mo’Nique gave an interview saying you should give your spouse a “pass to cheat” because that’s what friends are for.
The Universal Bullshit Translator was built for such moments.
Although the UBT’s heart isn’t really in it. It knows spackle when it hears it. The UBT lays odds that Mo’Nique is a chump dressing this cheating crap up as enlightened before the tabloids humiliate her with it. Oh yeah, she knew. Oh yeah, she was cool with it. What’s wrong with you? Comedians excel at turning things on their head.
To the UBT…
“Honesty. That’s it. When I hear men say ‘I don’t tell my wife everything, you crazy?’ and I hear women say ‘I ain’t telling my husband that, you crazy?’ So you mean you trust somebody else other than the person you lay with every night, you slept with, you cried with, you make love to?” she said in an interview with True Exclusives. “So I think those long lasting things is simply honesty and communication. It’s got to be your best friend. You’re laying with this person every night. If you can’t tell that person how you feel, then you’re in a bad way.”
Okeeeey. I’m with you so far. Although the UBT is sure that its best friend Mr. Rube Goldberg would not want to hear every thought it had. Like its obsession with pinecone elves. Or that time Rube went on and on about its trip to Radio Shack and they didn’t have the right kind of oscilloscope. I mean, who cares about oscilloscopes? The UBT was bored to tears, but do you tell Rube that? Or sometimes the UBT fantasizes about robotic milkers. The ones from Denmark. (OMG, the Lely brochures.) The UBT thinks some things are best not mentioned.
“The person that you stood up and you said ‘for better, for worse, sickness and in health, richer or poorer’ you took those vows in front of the universe. If you don’t live by them, then maybe you shouldn’t have taken them.
There’s also that “forsaking all others” vow. If we can pick and choose our vows, can we leave off sickness? The UBT gets really squeamish around vomit and pustules.
And when you say ‘a pass to cheat’—see, when you’re with your best friend and you say to your best friend: ‘I’m having these feelings about this person, sexually, and I want to share it with you.’ When you’re best friends, you can have those open and honest conversations.
Um, the UBT doesn’t know about conversations with your spouse, but “I really fancy Nigel’s hairy chest, whaddya think?” probably doesn’t top most husbands’ favorite conversation list. Second only to “His dick is bigger”, “I have the hots for another man” is probably a thought most self-respecting husband’s don’t want their
best friend wife to share.
UBT’s best guess at a translation here is: It’s not cheating if I tell you about it. Telling you about it, is what best friends do.
Okay, if you want an open marriage, that’s your business. But cheating means deceiving someone and disrespecting them with lies. Are you giving a pass on that?
Often times, people cheat because of something they’re not getting.
Yes, cheaters don’t get boundaries.. or character.
But when you have open and honest dialogue, and you say we’re just human beings. And all these people on the face of the earth, do you think my eyes won’t ever say ‘he’s fine’ or ‘she’s attractive’?”
Eyes can’t talk. And eyes don’t fuck other people. The genitals do that. So long is it’s just the finding another person attractive, sure, sentient people find other human beings attractive all the time. It’s crossing boundaries that’s the issue.
“Now, if you want to go further with it, let’s be honest enough to have those conversations. What is it about that person that you find that you want to sleep with?
Well, the Lely robotic milker, aside from its awesome ability to do somatic cell counts right in the refrigerated tank!, has this shiny little data processor that just makes it woozy. Real-time reporting functionality, management efficiency, the identification tracker systems… The UBT has said too much. Its transponders are overheating.
Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do.
It’s okay if you want a smorgasbord of pussy, just never leave me.
And if that’s the case, how can I be mad?
I can’t be a smorgasbord of pussy. Who am I to expect exclusivity? If I can’t be cherished or respected, then I’ll settle for needed. I’ll make my needs really small and tell the world I’m okay with that! Me? Mad? No, I stuffed mad down into a tiny recess of my soul. It bubbles up occasionally, but I feed it a few dozen cookies and it shuts up. For awhile.
Because I’m not going to do it. Should I deprive you of not having it? That’s when the relationship is real real.”
Should I deprive you of not having a smorgasbord of pussy? Because I won’t do it! That’s when the relationship is spackle spackle.
She concluded by saying that the idea of cheating being “the end” of a relationship was a Western idea and that it was part of a culture of ownership in relationships.
“We’ve been taught to have ownership, and that’s the Western way to do it. I’m not sure where you originate from, but I originate from this place called Africa and what I know about African kings—tell me one of them who just had one wife. Do you know any of them? I don’t. That’s where I originate from.
The UBT is dumbfounded. Are you trying to argue that polygamy is progressive? Have you seen Sister Wives? Do you really want to be one of those tackily dressed women fighting over that doofus man-child husband? Meri got a new applique sweatshirt! But no one is supporting Robyn’s crafting career. Who gets marital relations with King Kody tonight? Did you check the chore list, Janelle? Service Kody, it’s right there after Bible study.
The UBT thought you were going in the direction of open marriage. Okay. But you seem to be going in a direction of Male Privilege I’m Okay With It! Bring on the Patriarchy! The UBT wonders where your argument for multiple husbands is?
Anyway, the UBT doesn’t understand because the UBT originates from Detroit. There was no polygamy at the Wayne Stamping Plant.
So when we came here, we adopted other people’s ways, and that’s called ownership.
Monogamy is so like slavery. That time I had the wedding on the auction block, or when I was whipped for running away from monogamy. Or how all my descendants were born into monogamy against their wishes. Thank God we fought the civil war and ended monogamy.
There was a time when I was owned before. I don’t want to be owned anymore.”
Friends don’t let friends own friends. They have honest conversations instead!
I think the UBT just blew a circuit board.