I had an email exchange with my (former) minister earlier today that really frustrated me. I reached out to him because my STBX is very active in the church (where everyone loves him because he is SO helpful and kind) and I have stopped attending because the hypocrisy is too much for me to bear.
Anyway, I have felt the lack of spiritual support and reached out to this person who ostensibly cares for all alike. His advice?
[and I quote] “Feeling self-righteous and morally superior is a big trap. If you think you could never do what he did, there’s a possibility of moral superiority, so try feeling willing to forgive. (STBX) is in trouble. In so many ways, worse off than you. If you can’t help him, stop thinking negatively about him.”
Well, I could NEVER do what he did (threesomes with strangers, prostitutes, craigslist hookups, webcam porn […etc.] ) so I guess I am guilty of moral superiority.
And I’m living out of a suitcase in my brother’s basement while STBX continues whoring and drinking and dragging his heels on meeting to settle the divorce.
But he’s “in so many ways worse off than” me.
I’m just grateful to live in this age of the Internet and the access to Chump Lady. This “betrayed spouse co-created this mess” stuff is crap.
But the part of this clusterfuck that I wanted to address is this idea that YOU TOO could be a cheater! So don’t judge! Never object to infidelity because you’re a sinner too! Yes, deep down in your petty, bitter heart is a cheater just trying to get out, yet you lack the exuberant defiance.
If you think you could never do what he did, there’s a possibility of moral superiority, so try feeling willing to forgive.
Let me get this straight — I should forgive and not be smug because I too could have threesomes with people I meet on Craigslist?
There is one person who is actually doing these things and another person who might, theoretically, perhaps, some day be capable of doing these things — so we should treat them equivalently.
Does this thinking work anywhere else?
Sir, I’m not going to prosecute you for drowning kittens, because I too might some day be a kitten killer. There are moments when I’m not too fond of my cat. Like that time she left a dead mouse on my pillow. I shouldn’t judge you for drowning kittens. I shouldn’t even be angry. Perhaps you’re dealing with some issues in your life right now that compelled you to throw Fluffy and Snowball in a sack and toss them into the drink. I’m sure, in many ways, you’re worse off than Fluffy and Snowball.
It’s idiocy. Moreover it deflects the conversation away from what the cheater DID to what you might theoretically do. Then you get into the pissing match of Your Feelings, the argument that can never be won.
Pastor: Deep down Roaring you could cheat too.
Roaring: No I couldn’t. I’m quite certain fucking prostitutes is beyond me.
Pastor: I don’t think so. I don’t think you’re examining yourself honestly.
Roaring: No, I’ve had a good look at myself and threesomes with hookers is not on the menu.
Pastor: But theoretically it could be…
How many chumps can dance on the head of a pin? Maybe the earth was created by alien lifeforms! Maybe Donald Trump will be our next president! While we’re all engaged in stupid speculation, guess who gets a pass? The cheater. Guess who gets to eat the shit sandwich? The chump.
Status quo maintained.