Hey, so you wanna start a revolution? Strike a blow against the blameshifting discourse around infidelity? Cripple a couple of unicorns? Buy my new book — Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. (Here for Barnes & Noble, Here for Amazon.)
But Tracy, your book isn’t for sale yet.
Yep, it comes out April 5, 2016, but pre-order sales all count toward first week sales. Those numbers, if high enough, are what push books on to best-seller lists and get noticed. All we have to do is out-sell our genre (relationships, divorce, self-help, etc.), not all books coming to market then.
I think we have a shot at this. My self-published book went to number 1 on Amazon in divorce the first day it was for sale.
Why is selling a lot of books important? (Other than lining my publisher’s pocketbook?) Because in the marketplace of ideas, book sales matter. It means there is an AUDIENCE. When I was pitching this to agents and publishers, I did not have another “leave a cheater” book to compare with. Because, as we all know, 99.9 percent of the books on infidelity are about reconciliation. People didn’t believe me that infidelity was That Big a Deal or there were That Many People this has happened to.
Some of my rejection letters:
“I don’t think women will relate to a ‘Chump Lady.'”
“It’s fine as a niche blog, but there’s no audience for this as a book.”
“I just got married, I don’t want to think about this.”
Chump Nation knows differently — chumps are legion. Being cheated on IS a big deal, and we didn’t bring it on ourselves.
So, some FAQ.
I bought the last book, how is this book different?
It’s the best of the last book but with double the content — new chapters on forgiveness, affair partners, co-parenting, and Switzerland friends, 30+ new cartoons, and 17 Letters to Chump Lady (that I made up based on actual letters I receive) to illustrate the topic of each chapter.
Welcome To Chump Nation
1. Rejection Is Not Your Superpower
2. Rookie Mistakes Of The Recently Chumped
3. Shrinks, Forums, And Other Lifelines — How To Find Support
4. Cheaters—The Way They Do The Things They Do
5. Stupid Shit Cheaters Say—And How To Respond
6. Reconciliation—Am I A Unicorn?
7. Real Remorse Versus Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse
8. Chumps, Why Are You Stuck?
9. Common Chump Fears And How To Disarm Them
10. Obsessing About The Affair Partner? Don’t.
11. The Fine Art Of No Contact
12. What Was Real? Does It Matter?
13. Getting To Meh
14. I Didn’t Kill You, So Consider Yourself Forgiven
15. When Your Friends And Relations Just Want To Be Switzerland
16. Divorce Shame And Telling People
17. The Unending Punishment Of Breeding With A Fuckwit
18. Gaining A Life
Is this just a chick book?
No. Chumps are a rainbow nation. I’ve written it gender and orientation neutral. There are letters from men and women — but the chump perspective is the point of view I’m interested in, period.
Are you just a cynical person getting rich off chump pain?
I got a decent book advance for a first time author. After I earn back my advance (the majority of books never do that, btw), I will make 7% of each book sale. I’m not shopping for yachts.
Chump Revolution? What’s that about?
Tempest (a PhD psychologist) and a cadre of chumps are determined to change the professional discourse around infidelity. To that end, they are promoting the book.
Tempest writes:
A Call to
ArmsCredit CardsWe interrupt this regularly scheduled message to invite you to the Chump Revolution. It is time to change the narrative on cheating, led by our illustrious Chump Lady. Do we storm the Bastille? Write a declaration of independence from fucktard spouses? Or, en masse, head to Amazon & Barnes & Noble to pre-order Tracy’s new book and propel it to the nonfiction best seller list? Buy early and buy often. Once you receive your copy in April, head to Amazon and write a glowing review that would make Patrick Henry proud.
Viva la Revolution!!
-Chump Guevera (aka Tempest)
Thanks everyone for your support! Let’s kick some unicorn ass!
— Tracy
You’re probably wondering what that cartoon is.
It’s from my chapter on forgiveness — here’s an excerpt:
You’ve probably known a few evangelizing forgivers. Their Facebook posts go something like this:
I’ve forgiven my cheating ex and now I feel as light as an untethered balloon! I had to let go of the hate and bitterness. I didn’t want to be that Angry Woman—unkempt, twigs in her hair, spitting at the ground, muttering curses at her long departed husband.
I saw my future and it was bleak—just lonely nights with my cats, Netflix, and Andrea Dworkin manifestos. But now that I’ve freed myself from resentment, people like me again and I smell better too. I’m so happy I fi nally forgave! Forgive someone today!
The post usually comes with a shiny sunrise picture, a yoga pose, or an untethered balloon (maybe all three). Chumps read it, feel less than, and then check their hair for twigs.
I am one who has forgiven. It is hard work. At the same time, forgiveness doesn’t mean you must reconcile. I would never tell anyone to reconcile with a cheater who hasn’t done his/her work. Even with forgiveness, I have given myself permission to leave. CL & CN are a valuable resource for me. Keeps me grounded in reality.
You are awesome
I would like to buy your first book. When I went to purchase the book on Amazon they are asking almost $250.00. Is that a typo?
If you’re talking about chump lady, not a typo, her book is out of print and so it’s only people who have one to resell that make them available so the cost… Is precious.
Thank you, I wouldn’t know how to begin searching for one.
Gives me incentive to order Chump Lady’s new book today.
If anyone has any suggestions on where I might be able to find
a copy please let me know…
Great promo from Che!
At the moment, I’m enjoying my nights with 3 cats and 5 seasons of Downton Abbey on Amazon Prime (watching for the second time), eating in the bed when i want to, turning on the light, laughing out loud because the cats won’t wake up if i do. I am no where near forgiveness, but right now, I’m okay with all that.
I just pre-ordered the book on Amazon, easy to do. Thank you Chump Lady for telling it like it is looking forward to getting the new book!
Yeah, no.. I just can’t with all the forgiveness stuff. I like my meh. It is good. My go-to about forgiveness is your page, CL:
https://www.chumplady.com/2013/01/the-forgiveness-imperative/
That’s still the best ever thing I’ve read on the subject. I’ve shared it many times. 😉
I used to think my cat was an asshole, well, he is still an asshole…but one thing I have learned from him is you dont have to forgive to live. I watch the dog and her ever pleasing chumpiness to gain affection and approval. The cat… He doesnt give a fuck.
I believe forgiveness has been wrapped up in a pretty package and presented to people as an emotional/spiritual ideal. And its been blantantly misrepresented as any human ideal we have. Your BMI needs to be between this and that… Waist circumference, your debt to income ratio, happiness, family size and down to the macrobiotic meals… The ideal is pushed. We all want to fit in and have a piece of that ideal pie cause we wont feel normal or feel like we have achieved. Forgiveness… Another slogan. Why? Control. Could you image if we were all that eveolved? We would all sit around staring at eachother, nodding our little heads in rapturous glory…. I forgive you and you and you… Fuck it. I will take my chances at the day of reckoning.
For myself forgiveness lays largely with intent and or malice. Some choices and actions of people are unforgiveable. When there is intent … There is a thought… The thought leads to an actions… There are consequences… How someone choses to handle the consequences is a reflection of their worthiness of forgiveness. How much of myself do I want to invest in someone who shows no remorse? True remorse? For some offenders you will never see true remorse. Its not part of their persona. And I aint talking about a spectrum… Some people have lived horrible lives… Abused, abandoned and tortured… Do they exhibit the same or project the same? Some of them, maybe. Has not been my experience working with refugees who have been victims of torture their whole lives.
Forgiveness is a pardon. No punishment for the crime or offense. You have to have some substantial evidence to get pardoned and you are judged on your intent. Now the judge and jury that sit in my head say there was intent and no remorse… So guess what? You are not forgiven. I can live with that judgement.
As of Sunday Morning:
Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #10,135 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
#1 New Release in Divorce
#2 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Divorce
#65 in Books > Self-Help > Relationships > Love & Romance
#89 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Mental Health > Happiness
BUY MORE BOOKS, CHUMP NATION!!!!!!
I just looked to screen shot it, it’s now #2. Drat! I wasn’t in time. Meanwhile, for some reason the old book comes up used with THREE reviews! WTF? http://www.amazon.com/Tracy-Schorn-Chump-Survival-Infidelity/dp/B00N4F1LME/ref=pd_sim_sbs_14_1?ie=UTF8&dpID=41pqDSSPQ5L&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR107%2C160_&refRID=0WYFG9SAJDG8RX1ZEH53
If anyone would like to review who bought the old book… Gah, I don’t understand Amazon. (Last I looked old book had 143, mostly 5-star reviews.)
If you click on the author link (Tracy Shorn), three book listings show up including the one with 144 reviews. Someone added that 3rd book item to Amazon’s product inventory recently.. but the original book reviews are still there. Hope the old reviews stay up even though that first book is “discontinued” and no longer available.
Correcting spelling of last name to “Schorn” .. sorry, Tracy.
btw, the twiglady jpg isn’t showing up on FF browser or Android phone .. there’s an error message: The image — “.. url jpg link ..” cannot be displayed because it contains errors.
Three years ago when d-day came about there was little to laugh about. My happy go lucky self was devastated! I’m fortunate that there is a tight knit group of friends near to where I live that when we gather we laugh away!!! This blog gives me some humor just about everyday I read it! You’re not yacht shopping?
Thanks CL!?
As I am healing from betrayal, I see some of my old self returning!
Hi Tracy,
The comic is not loading on mobile. I tried both my phond and tablet (both android)
Hmm. I’ll see if I can’t upload it again. It’s a jpg so it should read.
Chump Lady, I am a male who has been chumped twice. I tried to sign on to your website but no luck. in Canada so maybe that is the problem. Thanks Patrick.
Hi Patrick, hey I’m editing your comment for anonymity and I just sent you an email with login info!
Hi CL! Congrats on your new book! I can’t see the image either, but I pre-ordered, so I’ll be able to see the cute cartoons soon. You really are making a huge difference in the world– not only for chumps, but for survivors of other types of abuse as well. The humor is a huge bonus too, as I have found myself snorting out loud reading the UBT.
Sorry meh bound i replied on tge wrong thread, but congrats on seeing some of your old selve returning!
I pre-ordered your book. I’m all for the Chump Revolution.
As someone whose ex just wanted some “time and space” to screw his AP, the RIC is full of he is just in a fog”. As if I need led to tolerate that someone treats me like an option and blames me for not generating enough happiness for him.
These ideas are legitimately hurtful to chumps, they perpetuate the notions that infidelity is a shared blame, that nobody cheats on a good partner and crap like that. I don’t know where my mental health would be without CL and CN and I just hope that other people can find you guys do as quickly as I did.
I just pre-ordered it, too. I have been Meh for over twenty-five years, but I have learned so much on this site, that has answered so many of the questions I had about my ex, and validated my running away from a miserable situation, how could I not show my gratitude and support? Rock on, Chump Lady and CN!
Beloved Chump Lady, Tempest and Nation
You are a fierce-wordsmith-warriors and It is MORE THAN EVER time to change the narrative on cheating, Viva La Revolution!
Happy to buy your book and will donate to the local library when I’m finished.
That’s an amazing idea!
I’m going to preorder the new book… have been looking forward to the release. However, I also need to order a replacement for the original book. I loaned mine out to a chump, but now I need another one to give to my neighbor, who is a brand new chump.
Donate to the library after reading – great idea!
I’m joining your revolution. I may not be a typical fan of your blog (I stayed with my cheater) but I really appreciate your philosophy and consider it a necessary counterpoint to what I consider to be the warped ideas that are being spewed out by therapists (I must be responsible in someway for my husband’s weak character) and ‘monogamish’ wailers (I need to rethink monogamy and turn a blind eye to a bit of harmless sexual tomfoolery).
Adultery is betrayal. It is emotional abuse. Individuals who face this trauma need access to the experiential realities of how this happens and how it can be dealt with. I find myself in an unmarked mass grave of the hopes and dreams of all betrayed spouses. Tracy, maybe your book will be the clarion call for a change in understandings.
Writing a book is a huge investment of your time and energy. Thank you. I look forward to reading it.
“I find myself in an unmarked mass grave of the hopes and dreams of all betrayed spouses.” Wow – you captured it perfectly!
Yes, I found that phrase to be very descriptive, and very sad.
Haunting and true. That’s an image that will stay with me for a while.
I thought I was the only one.
Tryinghard is reconciling too although I haven’t “seen” her around much.
Not the only one. I am also reconciling.
As a marriage and family therapist I will order several copies to give to chump clients. I hope that the public discussion about infidelity changes. I still remember when driving drunk was “no big deal”. It took MAD to change the public’s perception that driving drunk was criminal and a choice. I have faith that this change of mindset can happen for infidelity as well. Infidelity is ABUSE and needs to be acknowledged as such.
Here here! Joined and recruiting!
We NEED more therapists like you!!!!
Absolutely! Agreed!
It Is What It Is, well said!!
Tracy – It’s tragically funny that you got a bit of denial-speak from your rejection letters, e.g. “I just got married, I don’t want to think about this.”
Seriously. That was from Penguin books. They loved the voice, loved the writing — *hated* the topic. I got a quite a lot of that.
We all HATE the topic, hate the main characters, hate the scenes, hate the endings. Life is a BEETCH but then you get a life–Leave a cheater! Congrats Tracy! We love you and hope this makes best seller list!
Terrific! Thank you Tracy. Truth hurts like hell.
To CL and CN stay strong, and bless you all.
Everyday, each and everyone of you provide such support! ?
She didn’t like the red flags in her relationship so she declined your book? Wow. She’s gonna be chapped when she buys it from someone else’s line a year from now…
Congrats on your book. May the S.S. Pinecone Elf be somewhere in your not too distant future.
Ha ha! Laughed out loud for that one! Thanks, I needed that 🙂
OMG, if I ever get a boat, I am SO naming it that! Thanks for the laugh! 🙂
I love that! Kinda like the S.S. Minnow but with better luck.
Done! After I read it, I’ll keep it on hand for emergency life support when a friend or family member becomes a newly minted chump. Thank you for your unwavering support of chumps and your efforts to change the narrative. What you’ve done (and continue to do) MATTERS.
Hey CL any way to get the first book? April is sooooooo Farrar awaaayyyy.
I’m not allowed to sell the self published one per the contract of my book deal. I think it’s available used, but it’s exorbitant. Maybe in the forums you could start a thread and see if anyone has a used copy? Meanwhile, there’s the archives. Sorry about the wait.
WOAH. I have three copies of your first book left out of the seven I bought originally, and two are brand new. I just checked Amazon, and those prices are insane! LOL – I had no idea that you would not only be a lifesaver, but your book would end up being an investment item with a better rate of growth than most stocks!
I just pre-ordered three copies of the new one. In all seriousness, this place (Chump Nation) has saved my life and my sanity. You and Tempest (and countless others here) have been like a life raft in the two-ish years since my world exploded. As mentioned downthread, I have stayed with my cheater. Even though my life doesn’t exactly embody the core principles here, your no-bullshit advice have been essential in my healing, essential in keeping me true to myself, and essential in my journey to loving myself the way my cheater should have loved me all along. My therapist agrees (and sends chumps to your website now that she knows about it, btw!)
You are without question doing God’s work. Coming from an atheist, that is really saying something. The world needs this and needs you – and I don’t say that flippantly. The discourse has got to change. The societal view has got to change. The narrative has got to shift to a chump perspective, and it won’t happen unless there are people like you to provide a rational counterpoint to the Esther Perel daftness which dominates this conversation.
THANK YOU from the bottom of my big ole chumpy heart.
I 100% agree. Also an athiest here – you are truly doing the work for something that is rampant in society now.
That being said, each and every person in CN needs to do their own little part to permanently shut down the narrative of cheaters and their apologists. You have to have thick skin and a strong will to basically say “You are a moron, and this is why” to someone who doesn’t give a crap for boundaries or rules – or allows such behaviour.
Paying it forward to friends or even strangers in need, who have been chumped – not just with cheating, but unacceptable boundary-crossing in any sort of relationship – is important. Every act like this which is done, is one small step closer towards society in general calling cheaters out on their bullshit.
You have honestly saved many lives in the course of your work. Well done.
Thanks you guys. 🙂 I created this space — but you keep it alive. It’s CN more than me – it’s the combination of ALL of our experiences that’s powerful.
I try to get on chump blogs to tell them about CL. Some of them are angry that it is brought up. Those are their blogs. They want support. I understand that but they also need the truth. Even chumps who reconcile need the inner strength you and CN give.
@Lania
You said “Paying it forward to friends or even strangers in need, who have been chumped – not just with cheating, but unacceptable boundary-crossing in any sort of relationship – is important. Every act like this which is done, is one small step closer towards society in general calling cheaters out on their bullshit.”
Yes, yes, a million times yes! I mentioned that I bought seven copies of Tracy’s first book. One I read and dog-eared and highlighted beyond all recognition. Two I donated to the two branches of our county library, and two I gave away to fellow chumps. However, in neither case had their partner cheated! One chump was married to a husband who is simply an asshole with addiction problems, and one to a chump who’s wife was continuously chumping him financially and narc’ing her way through life. That is the important takeaway for me…this legion of chumps knows there are a million ways to be devalued/abused by a partner, and Tracy’s advice applies to situations which don’t even include infidelity. Replace “cheater” with “liar,” “abuser,” “narcissist,” “selfish prick,” and on and on…and the advice still rings true, still uplifts, and still applies.
Trust that they suck.
Believe actions not words.
Take action for self-protection in spite of doubts about the outcome.
Know the difference between real remorse and GINR.
Recognize cake eaters and refuse to BE cake.
Stop dispensing kibbles.
No contact is a healing balm.
You don’t deserve abuse.
Focus on self-care.
Don’t put your hand in that blender.
Model healthy boundaries for your kids.
Fix your picker.
YOU ARE MIGHTY.
Every time we stand up and call it like it is, there is an opportunity to lift someone else up and OUT of a shitty situation.
Your first book is for sale on Amazon UK at £999! A grand!
I have a copy…will have to get it back from the fellow I loaned it to…I’m pretty sure he is a chump and just hasn’t realized it yet…I know both him and her…so sad…
I will let you know when I get it back…
Tracy and Chump Nation…I don’t know anything about this site…I am afraid to put my card info on until I have researched it…but…looks like we can download a copy or read it online…here is the link…
(link removed)
Jeep, that’s alarming. I removed the link. My work is copyrighted and that page looks incredibly bogus. I would NOT give my credit card. There is zero way to contact these creeps — and I would if I could, because it’s copyright infringement.
Also, let me please add — I CANNOT SELL MY OLD BOOK. I don’t know any legitimate places that sell it used — what you share between yourselves is your business. But really, I cannot encourage you to even read my old book per the terms of my contract. The publisher does not want to compete with the self published book. (Although the new one is much better and twice as long — I seriously worked hard on this and revamped — the first one is like a good first draft, of what became a longer, better book.)
I truly appreciate the enthusiasm and the support and I know the need is out there. But I hope my blog will suffice until April. Thanks.
I just researched it…sorry gang…looks like people who sign up get mysterious charges on their accounts…don’t use it…crap…
Sorry everyone…crap…hate liars! And they are obviously also cheaters!!!!
…the page it directs you to is 24Kgames.com…that may be a place to start Tracy? Copyright infringement indeed.
Unfortunately, theres not a whole lot you can do about these sites. If you file a takedown notice – 5 more of these bastard sites show up in its place.
It just makes me feel bad Lania…I hope no one followed it and complied to get access to Tracy’s book! My bad! I should have researched it first!
My friend is returning my copy next week and I will scan it if that is permissible and share it.
I have the kindle version, otherwise I’d mail it to you!
Chumptastic:
I can scan & email a pdf to you (though you might have to wait 10 days–up to my eyeballs in end of semester grading). Let me know at [email protected]
Conditional upon a promise to pre-order the new book!
Purchased. We need to have a virtual book party on April 5 complete with wine, libations and munchies. We can come on line and share tipsy stories!
What a fun idea!
I’m in! Already know which special bottle of vino to open on Revolution Day… it will continue aging until April 5th. The revolutionary songs from Les Mis are starting to play in my head… “Red! The colour of angry Chumps!” Hey, we need a flag!
Oh yeah, Walking — we need a flag, brilliant! And a theme song! And a secret handshake! And a clubhouse! Can you imagine the fun we would have!
Great idea!
As one of the first to order and review your first book, I am proud to do the same now.
Note to chump nation:
PLEASE REVIEW the book (after you have actually read it)! Reviews are really important.
I am even prouder to say how much less I need the book. Time and support…and therapy in my case…has gotten me through to a much better life. It really is out there so hang on, speak your truth as loud as you can and never give up fighting for the life you deserve.
Yea! I want a review about how CL made your need for this book obsolete. 🙂 That’s the point of the book and the blog — fast forward the healing from this crap.
I love it! Planned obsolescence…….what a concept!
I get so much pleasure that I reviewed the first book on Amazon under my real name!
If anyone Googles the ex, my review comes up…
“fast forward the healing from this crap.” Mission accomplished CL!
I just pre-ordered my copy and can’t wait to buy more for my therapist friends! Can’t wait for the book tour locations & dates.
I feel the same way! I bought the book to support Tracey and demonstrate the need to change the chump narrative. But she and the rest of Chump Nation ( especially JC), as well as a good dose of time, have all but eliminated my need for the book.
Great point, FV!
This website helped two chumps “passing in the night” to find one another and discover that their experience was a *shared* one, involving the same 2 cheaters. Confirming the character of our exes, while sharing the stories of our survival, has helped us both.
wow!
DITTO!
You’re one hell of a serendipitous friend, JC. For that I will always be grateful. 🙂
Chump Lady and Chump Nation gave me a new perspective from which to view my stbxh’s serial cheating. I absorbed every word of every entry in order to find a narrative that made sense. Eventually I had the confidence to reject the punch that my therapist and the RIC were serving (which is useless for anything other than washing down shit sandwiches). I also developed a new vocabulary that makes sense! I’m a chump. My husband is a cake eater. Trust that they suck. etc… these statements all make perfect sense to me, and I look forward to the day when these terms become mainstream. I predict it won’t be long. Onward and upward Chump Lady! I’m off to buy my books, and to quote Oprah Winfrey, “you get one, and you get one, and everybody gets one” (I’ll be giving them to my chumped friends).
Chump vernacular has become my regular vernacular for dealing with people, and others are picking up on it. This site saved me from years of spackling and self blame. I will be happy to spread the chumpisms and the mindset whenever possible
I have let out a couple of “I ain’t eating that shit sandwich” IRL… They earned me a few pointed looks…
But I laugh it all off because hey being able to say this out loud is how I know I am learning to set up and keep strong boundaries :)!
I work in product development and talk around the office is profuse with CN lingo like shit sandwich. People are buying in.
Woohoo! April can’t come soon enough. Got one to give say, and eBook for me. Have a Fantastic Friday, CL!
I wish I had this book for a recent client of mine. Hate that she’s going through the holidays, wondering if she can keep the house while he sends his AP to get his golf clubs. I’m so glad I found CL. I hope directing her to this site helped.
Congrats Chumplady! It would be nice to meet you in person at a writers conference sometime. Yours is a perspective that is needed and advice that is spot on.
“I swore never to be silent whenever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”
Elie Wiesel
Auschwitz Holocaust survivor, Noble Prize winner, and author of the best-selling book: Night
I have just pre-ordered multiple copies of your new book, CL. Congratulations!
Boudica: I love that quote (love all the quotes you post, to be honest. So Apropos)!
Beautiful and powerful quote, boudicareborn. Thanks for sharing with us.
CL – I’m so happy for your book being done, and I have it on my to-do list to get my copy. I know it’ll be a best seller! Your work, this site, and all of the amazing and mighty Chumps have helped me get closer to Meh everyday. Love and hugs to you all!
Beautiful quote, and very a-propos!
Its like what I always say: “You aren’t ‘not taking sides’ – you are supporting the other side by passive resistance.”
And then theres the quote which states “The only thing for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing”
That one has always been a guiding principle in my life.
CL….you’re a sane voice that needs to be heard. I support you and will be preordering many copies of your new book.
Thank you for all your hard work and commitment in all that you’ve done.
Just pre-ordered on UK Amazon- this is the best Xmas present you can buy yourself!
Talking of presents, Tracy- are we doing a charity Xmas donation in lieu of (ex) cheater gifting? There are of course a million causes but maybe a women oriented one – Loving Humanity was recently featured on BBC news site….http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-34925238. It’s a great example of how one woman doing a good thing makes a difference to this chaotic world. Another Chump Lady superhero…
I think we should, definitely. I’d like to do Confident Children in Conflict again in South Sudan, keep our commitment with them. Helping kids in a war zone, many who have been sexually trafficked — they could use CN’s mightiness. I’ll post more next week! And I’ll check out Loving Humanity too!
The Sparkly Shoes campaign was good fun. But do we have time to get goodies to South Sudan for Christmas this year? The logistics sounded tricky.
Book pre-ordered. Don’t know where I’d be without CL.
I’ll pre-order tonight, and have it handy for when someone else I know goes through what I went through.
CL, others here, and friends and family helped me back to reality; helped me to stop questioning myself; and helped me to stop making excuses for my ex (after all, she made enough excuses for herself that I didn’t need to even bother.)
This site was a tremendous help to me when I was only halfway through my divorce, when I had the conviction that I was right but couldn’t put that conviction into words or a coherent framework. Like me, others need to understand that their deeply held beliefs are correct; their stbx actually does suck; and that relationships really are about trust and mutual respect before they’re about puppies and rainbows.
^^^ THIS! ^^^
Bought!
A few.
Sending them out to “All My Cheaters” as belated Christmas gifts along with my Tracy “cards”.
Can you imagine this on a book shelf?
RIC, RIC, RIC, RIC, RIC, RIC, RIC, LEAVE THEIR ASS, RIC, RIC, RIC, RIC, RIC, RIC, RIC
RIC, RIC, RIC — is this sung to the tune of Jingle Bells?
Actually I’m hearing Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer.” RIC is that weird background sound throughout the whole song. “WOOOAAAHHH OH! Leavin’ his ass!”
OMG, Calamity–you’re gifting the books to your cheaters? That is awesome.
(and for those who didn’t catch it–CalamityJane had business-style cards printed up with Chumplady.com, to leave around wherever they might benefit chumps. A true revolutionary!)
What a great idea. A good friend of mine is a kick ass divorce lawyer. I’m going to buy copies of the book for her waiting room!
Calamity, I would love to get the template and make some Tracy “cards” as well! There have been several times when talking with someone I just met or an acquaintance could use some guidance but don’t feel comfortable sharing too much of “my story”. A small card with my number on the back would be a discreet way to show my support and give the gift of Chump Lady.
I ordered them through Vista Prints online and they came out great.
On the front it says:
Leave a Cheater Gain a Life… (black ink) in 14pt ComicPro
Chumplady. com (orange ink) 14 pt Ariel
and on the back it says:
Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life (black ink) in 12pt Ariel
Hell hath no fury like a Chump Schorned (black ink) in 8pt Ariel
I leave it anonymously so I don’t have my number on it, but you can always just write yours in.
Ordering now and sent the link on to others in need. I purchased your first as my lifeline – it saved my life and sanity back then….now I’m buying to say thank you and to help change the conversation on the abuse that is infidelity.
I’m also going to send it to some friends and family who never seemed to get it….essential and let’s change the narrative chumps! Thanks CL!!!!
I bought three copies of the original book and over time I have sadly given them away to newly anointed chumps. Just gave away my third copy as a matter of fact.
I will happily buy three more and hope I can keep at least one!
It’s sad you don’t have any left, but think of the good you did, and how they will help folks by passing that along when they are mighty. Without CL and CN, wowza. RIC belongs on a headstone.
Finally gonna put that Amazon membership to good use!
Looking forward to April and the future of having this on hand to help anyone else who finds themselves in this mess. And, whats so wrong with muttering curses at him?
signed
– proud wearer of hair twigs!
ROCK the hair twigs!
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple, with hair twigs (because red hats are passe)…
Done! I can hardly wait. “Aux armes, citoyens!” Uh, okay, maybe not arms, but La Marseillaise is totally about being kick ass and fighting against tyranny (and being vengeful) ;O
CL and CN rock 🙂
CONGRATULATIONS! Chump Lady and Chump Nation are the only thing keeping me sane these last six weeks since D-day. Thank you Universe for this tremendous resource.
Whenever I read an article or an advice column dealing with infidelity I always leave a link to an appropriate ChumpLady article in the comments section. Definitely get the word out there CN.
PS: Speaking of the RIC, the Bloggess poster found here is perfect:
Love the Bloggess, Dat. Great quote! 🙂
I’ve wanted to post this on Facebook about a thousand times this month. I love Jenny too. Alas, I work in teaching and I’m not allowed to curse on Facebook.
LOVE the idea of leaving links to CL in the comments sections of those stupid infidelity articles. And the poster is cool, too!
Congrats & best of luck on the new book!
And THANK YOU for penning it in gender-neutral fashion (I was a little concerned when I saw the cover). 🙂
With a traditional publisher, I don’t get to control the cover. And for the record, I look nothing like the mud flap girl superhero there either. I think it’s attention getting though!
I thought the cover was GREAT. Straight forward, no bullshit, this is what it’s about, in your face, hallelujah, you are not a crazy chump, life saver, sanity life raft, I’m not alone, vomit up the truth line of words.
Love it , love it, love it!
I hope when both parties are looking through the divorce/reconciliation section in a store, library or online and come across THIS TITLE the chump goes, “Hmmmmmm..” while the cheater shits their pants wondering if their cake eating days are OVER!
Uh, Tracy!!! Silly you!!!
You look EXACTLY like that Super Hero Girl on the cover of your new book! To all of us at Chump Nation, that is! YOU are a Super Hero to us & we will not let you EVER forget it!
Forge on, Super Tracy….ForgeOn all!!!
Love the book cover! You are a super hero regardless! I’m in for three books! Love the chapter titles and especially the one on forgiveness! All those lucky chumps who will have a guide and future sooner makes me smile. And if there is a mass crippling of unicorns along the way? I’m all for the sacrifice.
As far as the boat beware of cheaters floating up from the bottom. When I told a friend how the disordered circle back she used this expression. I rather liked it, knowing they resurface bloated in search for supply. No life lines here.
Congratulations for following your passion and using your talents to support chumps everywhere!
Well done Tracy. Chumplanb here from the Rainbow Nation. Off to local bookstore to see if I can order your book.
I’m nearly to meh, and I still pre-ordered. By April I plan to be Mayor of Meh Town.
I consider supporting Chump Lady to be payment in kind for therapy that far surpassed anything I got in a clinical setting. I paid 120.00 an hour for a month to sob uncontrollably in a chair and have a therapist blink silently at me. I could have done that at home in front of the cat.
I’m not knocking clinical therapy. Some have had excellent results. If I wanted to spend thousands more, I could likely find a good, non RIC, Complicated PTSD, specialized LISW who does EMDR. Or… .I could come here, laugh my ass off, feel human again and laugh my ass off, and toss a few dollars in the yacht fund.
We ARE all invited to the yacht Christening, yes? But please don’t allow us to have broken champagne bottles. That could present a problem for any cheaters and Esther Perels in the vicinity.
Unless it’s April. The Homicidal will have passed by then.
Hehe this comment made my day. You have my vote for Mayor of Meh Town.
It’s wicked of me, but I’m loving the visual of you going after Esther Perel with a broken champagne bottle! Luz for Mayor of Meh Town!
Love it Luz!
A vote for Luz is a vote for Meh!
I’d like to move to Meh town…..
FYI, when cats blink at you, it’s their way of saying “I love you.” So is turning their back. It means your trustworthy enough to for them to be vulnerable. 🙂
Yeh. That’s how it works with former chumps too. I hope we all get there sometime. ‘So say we all’
I didn’t know that about cats turning their back…interesting!
LOL Luz, sobbing in front of the cat! I actually did that in addition to the therapist and got more compassion and love in return from her than I’d had in a long time. You have my vote too!
You have my vote Luz!
pre-ordered and ready to read when it rolls out! thank you Tracy for all you have done and keep doing!
Ordered! Can’t wait until April. I am so glad to have found this group. You are my people. Finally.
I wish I had found this site sooner. I am 6 months post DD. I knew there needed to be a new narritive and finally found it! All the bad off the shelf advice is very harmful to victims of infidelity. It will suck your soul if you allow it. Its just more abuse. I felt like the only one who did not drink the Kool Aid throughout the entire process. I no longer feel alone and have the conviction to trust my instincts. Turn up the volume!
Yay! Another book!
So much sanity here. I don’t know what I’d have done without CN. I will write a wonderful review when the book comes out. Congratulations, Tracy!
Congratulations, Tracy – I’m preordering today. Love the chapter titles, my fave being ” I Didn’t Kill You, So Consider Yourself Forgiven.” Still trudging toward Meh – I think I see it in the distance.
I have a good friend whose daughter was killed by a drunk driver and her one year old granddaughter was paralyzed with the exception of one arm. This happened about six months ago. People on Facebook are telling my friend she MUST forgive the pos drunk driver. It’s not for him, it is for her ! It’s what God wants! She should be the Better Person!
I think this is so disrespectful of my friend’s feelings. People always act like not Forgiving is as bad as the action they think should be forgiving of. What a distortion of the truth.
Juliet: It is so infuriating when people further victimize a victim. Who the fuck are these people to tell her how to handle her internal feelings and thoughts? Patronizing doesn’t even come close to describing those people’s actions.
I posted a bunch of links and books that are anti-forgiveness on yesterday’s blog if you want to share any with your friend (the top book link is specifically about not-forgiving within a therapeutic context). If your friend googles, “forgiveness harmful” some interesting posts come up as well.
I’m so sorry for your friend and her massive losses.
Thank you, Tempest! That is very kind of you. I will send those to my friend. Like you say, it is abusive to the victim whether it’s adultery, abuse, or a situation like my friend’s. She is truly, truly devastated and for anyone to spout that shit to her makes me want to punch them. I just try to counteract stuff like that as best I can.
Dearest Juliet,
So much sorrow for that family. Then, to be told LIES about how our loving Creator feels about such atrocities!!! Sick!
Those ‘people’ posting the ‘forgiveness drivel’ obviously have not read ALL of the scriptures, for God says that drunkards & murderers will be punished with everlasting destruction!
NO forgiveness there & that is God’s view of the matter. He DOES NOT forgive unrepentant sinners & we must not, either. To do so would violate God’s standards of justice.
Oh. My. Word! Such pain for that family….Right up there with our precious Tessie…..
Love To All……
Whatever happened to “an eye for an eye”?
I’m not condoning revenge, but giving someone a free pass for doing the unthinkable doesn’t sit well with me. They should dedicate their life to earning forgiveness by righting their wrong. Making the world a better place. Erasing their stain on humanity. And they should start by apologizing for their cruel and selfish deed, and taking responsibility for the destruction it caused.
Actions have consequences. There is a lesson to be learned there.
“Well, then, YOU will just have to forgive me for my lack of forgiveness.”
People are Assholes. Your friend has a right to tell all of them to fuck off.
I have a friend who lost his 6 year old in the Sandy Hook shooting and he’s got assholes telling him the same thing: “You need to forgive the shooter to heal yourself.” You are never healed after losing a child.
I weep for humanity–that we have drunk drivers who would kill young mothers, paralyze infants, others who shoot children in their school, and then non-empathetic busybodies who tell the victims they have to victimize themselves a second time. “Hey, X has a gaping wound, let’s go rub salt in it!”
Why the fuck do those people care? The only sane response is “STFU, and please don’t ever contact me again.”
The only response to that sort of garbage diatribe is, in 150-point font: FUCK OFF.
The most disgusting thing of all is though, if something like that happened to them, they’d expect the world to stop and give them eternal kibbles for their sorrow. Fucking bastards. Every single last one of them.
That is beyond horrible. My feeling is you’ve got no right to dictate other people’s feelings. “Forgiveness” however you define it is absolutely NO ONE’s business but your own. I’d rather ask complete strangers’ about their sex lives. These forgiveness demanders are monsters — it’s taking another person’s vulnerability as an opportunity to be superior.
Did you suffer a tragedy? You’re Not Doing It Right.
Fuck OFF.
Over the years I’ve heard just about every variation of that bullshit……….you ….must…….forgive…….you are not a good person unless you forgive…….not forgiving is hurting you….your remaining child…….the world……I simply tell them they have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be the parent of a murdered child. Until (heaven forbid) they do, they haven’t got enough information to have a right to an opinion. Especially when it comes to someone else’s life. I’ve been told that is not a nice thing to say. I reply I’m not obligated to meet hurtful and stupid with nice. That usually shuts the conversation down right then and there.
So true, Tessie. Hugs your way, you really are very MIGHTY.
Tessie, you are an inspiration to us all. Your comments have helped me in ways I cannot begin to express. You have taught me that those who haven’t lived it cannot begin to understand it, and certainly have no right to pontificate about it! Thank you.
Tessie, you are awesome. Reading your experience on CL touched my heart.
“I got a decent book advance for a first time author. After I earn back my advance (the majority of books never do that, btw), I will make 7% of each book sale. I’m not shopping for yachts.”
And so what if you did make millions and buy a yacht? You would deserve it for all the good you’ve done.
Okay, if I make millions, I’ll have to build Meh Town, make Luz mayor, and sell shares or something…
Or I could just buy a lot more pinecone elves… hmmm….
“If you build it, they will come….”
I suggest a genderfree Chump shelter complete with blinking cats and loyal dogs, a Locking out the Loser Locksmith, a Here’s Your Worthless Shit, You Worthless Shit Hauler, maybe a Bulldog Lawyer or two.
And little diner with comfort food various tiny pies and tarts the size of muffin tins, just because I’m experimenting with those. It’s called simply, “Pie, Bitches.”
Of course we have Bitch Cookies. They’re like sugar cookies, but spiked with laxative, ipecac and Sour Patch Kids. We reserve the right to 86 kibbles and sad sausage from the menu.
LOL! Meh town should have a law school – the best in the country for Family Law. Beat them fuckers where it hurts.
Luz, I have to do a whole post on Meh Town now — it’s the Promise Land with no bitch cookies and Pie, bitches!
Meh Town sounds like the most wonderful place on Earth.
I would drop everything and go there. In the off case Meh Town doesn’t need a geochemist (although let’s be real, everyone needs a geochemist), I will go back to school!
I could become a telecommunications expert and create an algorithm so Meh Town enforces No Contact and block Narcs and Switzerland friends (with a special filter to deal with parenting things).
I might drop it all (except the kids of course) to run a place called “Pie, Bitches”
That would be a great next career!
YEsssss! Who is going to make all the pet food? Which would not be called Kibbles, but of course Freedom Nuggets.
Might I be so bold as to nominate Tepest as the Sheriff of the Meh Town Bullshit Bregade?
Thank you, Free Vixen
(hit send too soon)–Thank you, FV! Will I be allowed to carry medieval instruments of torture (just in case a few cheaters permeate our outer borders)?
Cheaters would never get in. Special sensors would detect them at the town limit sign and a special worm hole would deposit their sorry asses into an alternate universe where Dante’s inferno actually exists. I can just imagine cheater ex up to his nostrils in excrement…..actually, good place for him!
I have ordered multiple copies of your last book and keep them in my car. I hand them out all the time. Even to people who are married and single and have never been cheated on. There is a huge market for this.
One of my clients took three copies. She had two co-workers who were recently chumped and kept one for herself. When I asked her why one for herself when she is happily married, she replied: “I have 4 unmarried daughters. I want them to read this book.”
Congratulations Tracy. I’ll be purchasing multiple copies of your new book for my car.
I’m so jealous of your trunk right now.
I just love the idea that you’re going around with chump manifestos in your car, handing them out to unsuspecting chumps. You’re like the Lone Ranger!
Lol, well I do actually have a palomino quarter horse.
I just placed my pre-order. Thank you Tracy for all you do – we love and appreciate you! Chump Lady and Chump Nation have helped me pull my life back together after what seemed to be the most devastating thing that had ever happened to me. I’m getting my life back together now thanks to you and the support I find here. I’m looking forward to reading your new book!
Here’s the link for Canada: https://m.indigo.ca/search/product?keywords=Leave+a+cheater+gain+a+life
Sold to the lady in Meh! I’ve pre-ordered my copy. Here’s to your success, CL!
Ordered! April can’t come soon enough…just wish the first book was available to hold me until then 🙁
I’ve had a copy on pre-order for awhile now and searched high and low for the old version to no avail. I’m looking forward to April so I can devour the book and laugh my ass off.
This blog has been instrumental in my healing…I am still far from meh but the support I find here is helping me so much. CL, if I could I would hug you and buy you that Yacht. Thank you for being our voice and creating a safe place to get much needed support and clarity in the most horrific and chaotic time of our lives. I will be forever grateful.
Chump Nation Revolution! I’ll proudly lead the march and wave our “cheaters suck” banner!
I am new to reply but have read and reread posts over the last year on my long journey off of and away from the crazy train. I cant begin to thank you for helping me find my sanity! Your posts are the lifesaver I need on my treck to Meh. Thank you all!!!
Well Tracy, I assume we’ll be seeing you at Barnes and Nobles around the country doing book signings…. At least I hope north of Boston.
Will there be a book tour? Please please please come out to Southern California!
Chump Nation will be anywhere there’s a tour for support. Let’s rally the masses!
See, I think we all buy the book, and give it great reviews. And that catches people’s eyes, and it sells like crazy. Then Oprah notices, and CL gets invited on the show, then some other big shows catch on, then the newspapers begin …. Gradually other chumps AND professionals AND authors (like Bancroft and Simon, the authors of all those great books with ‘sociopath’ and ‘narcissist’ in the title …) come out of the woodwork, they become more vocal and more noticed and then more vocal and more noticed.
Smells like revolution to me!
Opportunity to express your feelings about infidelity.
2 notes showed up in my mail for reporters looking for interviews that some chumps here may be interested in helping with (please honor deadlines.):
Summary: Infidelity & the holidays
Name: gary spivak http://www.FidelityDating.com
Category: Lifestyle and Fitness
Email: [email protected]
Media Outlet: http://www.FidelityDating.com
Deadline: 11:00 PM EST – 5 December
Query: I’m looking for stories about infidelity and the holidays. Many
cheaters get caught during the holidays trying to make plans to
meet their lover or buying him/her a present.
Requirements:
I’m looking to do an interview with someone who caught their
partner cheating on them during the holiday season. Can be
anonymous or not.
Summary: Emotional Impact of STD Diagnosis for Women
Name: Rheyanne Weaver EmpowHER
Category: Biotech and Healthcare
Email: [email protected]
Media Outlet: EmpowHER
Deadline: 7:00 PM PST – 7 December
Query:
I’m Rheyanne Weaver, a writer for EmpowHER, a women’s health
website. I’m writing an article about the emotional impact of
being diagnosed with an STD. I need interested experts and women
who’ve been diagnosed with an STD to answer the following
questions no later than Monday 12/7 at 6 p.m. Arizona time
(direct email is [email protected]).
1) If you’ve been diagnosed with an STD, what was the emotional
impact on you? Did the medical professional who diagnosed you
help the situation or make it worse? 2) How were you able to
cope with any negative emotions after your diagnosis with an
STD? 3) If you’re a medical professional, do you consider the
emotional impact an STD diagnosis may have on the patient you’re
treating? Have you said or done anything to help your patients
feel more at ease, or given any coping suggestions? 4) Add any
additional information you would like, including your preferred
attribution information (first and last name, title, company).
Requirements:
Mental health professionals with STD diagnosis and treatment
experience, women who’ve been diagnosed with an STD
Congrats, Tracy! So, you’re an actual trailblazer. How cool is that? So looking forward to this book. The chapter titles rock.
Am I the only one who was shocked by the 7% for each book? 7%? I protest. How are you supposed to get rich off of that? How will ChumpLady sail (ok, motor) near and far to spread the message, especially in the mediterranian?
Pre-ordered, with pride. Thank you CL. xx
I just preordered, and couldn’t believe it was only 15$. CL saved my life when no counselor, friend, relative, or any other RIC site could. Thank you Tracy from the bottom of my heart.
I have placed an order for the Nook and a hard copy (to share and share and share). I am so grateful to have found this right after Dday 8 months ago. I am nowhere near the mystical meh, but hope to get there. I plan to share this with friends and family to better understand the un-understandable that has become our lives. Have read and re-read the first multiple times.
Chumpville with Luz as Mayor, I’m in…..cats and all. Thank you.
I do not know about this….. 15.00 dollars? CL will make a 1.05 off each of us!!! Getting rich off our sorrow!!
Just think…if WE had read such a book before marriage then maybe we wouldnt be chumps! I think 7 percent is a pittance. I would gladly pay $30 or $40 or more for such a book. I will let my kids read it too.
I just wish I had found this site 4-5 years ago!!!!!! Instead of being a pussy ass chump, I would have recognized or admitted the truth to myself instead of living in denial!!! CL deserves any and all profit….. and I hope it is enough to buy a very large boat!!! The above remark was heavy on sarcasm…. because the book is cheap and her part is to low.
Aint nothing pussy ass about being chumped. It takes a trusting person to be a chump…someone honest and unsuspecting. If anyone is a pussy ass, it is the one who sneaks around and tells lies because (s)he is too much of a pussy to tell you their so-called ” needs” ( for strange)are not being met.
I think high school students should take a Marriage Class where they learn (among other things) conflict ressolution, how to choose an appropriate spouse, how to recognize abusive and narcissistic people, self esteem and personal empowerment, money management…etc…and THIS book should be on the reading list! Better to avoid marrying a shitty person (sparkling turd) in the first place!
Thing is though, disordered types would use these classes to further refine their cruelty. Its what they do in therapy, after all! Or the teachers would skew the narrative.
It’d be great for non-disordered types to be able to call others out on their shit though.
Thank you Tracy! I will buy this book. Your blog has given words to my pain and confusion and helped me gain back my sense of self in what I consider to be the toughest year of my life. I have a ways to go and am still unsure of the future of my relationship with my cheater, but I will no longer be a chump, ever again. I have the power to ensure that, and I know that now.
This blog may seem distasteful to some and, I will admit, can cast too wide a shadow sometimes, but it gives an important voice to a common and disturbing situation. At the heart of cheating is immense righteousness and betrayal–you know, the stuff ancient texts are written about. There is never more pain than the discovery that your villain is your supposed protector. I have known many good, honest people in my life (including myself) and am acutely aware of THAT standard, versus the alternate.
Tempest, I just wanted to thank you for all your contributions to getting the word out to us as well and someone who really is firmly in a healthy place and really gives back to new chumps. The Prime Minister of Meh Town.
Aww, thanks, Luz. I always love your sassy & insightful comments & your summer columns. You have my vote for Prime Minister of Meh any day (I’m still at “low quotidian levels of homicidal rage” and thus not quite at meh–info about X keeps getting dropped in my lap–but you’re a role model for how to get there). Hugs!
No, yoooouuu are the Prime Minister! I’m just the Mayor.
Luziana + Tempest would be a FABULOUS ticket!
“Pie, Bitches”
Spiked Bitch Cookies
Kibble Free City
Aaaahhh… Since reading about all these heavenly ideas, I can’t stop singing “Won’t you take my to… ChumpyTown…” GOTTA MOVE ON :)!
I will put in my order today! I love the fact that it comes out on April 5th. I filed for divorce from my cheater ex on April 5th, 2013. I can certainly say that I have gained a life since leaving him in the dust.
Meh Town, where ther would be no need for marriage police!
I have a pre-order already for myself but am getting a couple extra for the revolution. Plus the Kindle version. Aren’t there Kindle specific bestseller lists, too? I figured I’d cover all bases. The help I’ve found here us worth all that and more.
$1.05 per book seems awfully low for Tracy to receive back for such a desperately needed message. Maybe when there are chump cruises and workshops and workshop franchises, there will be enough for a yacht and Meh Town. I would enjoy living under the benevolent leadership of Luziana and Tempest.
Purchased, in multiple. Hope people are ready to see this book resting casually on EVERY SINGLE SURFACE IN MY HOUSE. And haha @Tempest always makes me cry with laughter. “Chump Guevara.” Hahahaha.
I’m sorry, this is just too good. What did Amazon suggest to me after purchasing your book? A certain condescending jerk’s “Mating in Captivity.”
palm to head.
You can’t fix stupid.
I hope Tracy gets “mad rich” off of not just book sales but television appearances and guest speaking to groups who fight abuse! I hope she makes enough to have not only her own yacht, but a private plane! If it had not been for Chump Lady and CN I don’t want to think about where I would be today! Added bonus: I have three daughters and a son and I made them read Tracy’s first book! My legacy to my children is to help them identify and neutralize cheating POS’s that may enter their space before they destroy their lives!!
Tracy is a true trailblazer! Most people want to run from this shit, but she teaches us how to wrestle this nonsense to the ground and beat it to death! I hope she enjoys every dollar and every bit of stardom she has earned! She worked her ass off without a doubt, wading through the BS cheaters push into your face!! She deserves a standing ovation!!!
YES to ALL YOU JUST SAID Roberta!
I know I wouldn’t have made it without Tracy and all of you! I couldn’t have done what I have done and come as far as I have without any of you!
I emailed Tracy personally the night before my contempt hearing (satan filed contempt on me for filing my taxes single…got figure!) and she gave me the knowledge and courage I needed to get through it 🙂 NO ONE ELSE UNDERSTOOD what I was going through, even I didn’t understand it UNTIL I found Tracy and Chump Nation.
I will be ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!
Order in. Bite me, Esther.
Can’t wait to get this book. Been lurking here daily and have read everything on this site since d-day 3 months ago. CL, you saved my life. I only did the pick me dance for 6 weeks thanks to your inspiration, and now I have a kick ass lawyer and have been no contact for 34 days (we even have a young child and I am still pulling it off, I rock!) CN made me realize my cheater is no special snowflake; he is the same disordered motherfucker you were all married to as well. Thanks to this site, I feel better than I have in YEARS after marriage to a sex addict/cheater/pathological liar/alcoholic/drug addict. I am free! Is it possible I’m moving towards meh after only 3 months? I feel an enormous sense of peace and relief.
Good for you, SolteraOtraVez. Maybe you will set the land speed record for meh.
You can expect some bumps and turns in the road (particularly with a child involved), but the initial relief can be quite powerful. I remember feeling that the release of the responsibility of having to keep that
wandering wilderbeast looking respectable and employable, and it was like I’d grown wings. Marriage to a sex addict/cheater/pathological liar/alcoholic/drug addict isn’t all it’s “cracked” up to be. You go, Soltera! You are mighty.
“wandering wilderbeast”
What a perfect description of a “sex addict/cheater/pathological liar/alcoholic/drug addict”
You go mighty SolteraOtraVez!
I have a young kid with my cheater, and felt an enormous sense of “doing the right thing” when I left. Things have ebbed and flowed since, NC has helped although I am so very angry with how much of a a$$hole my STBX has been throughout our divorce. 16 months in, and not divorced yet.
But each day I am closer to be able to call my STBX my EX, and keep forging on to Meh, hope to see you there :)!
CL, I will pre-order a kindle copy for me, and a hard copy to share. I lurk here daily as well, and read everything, including the archives.
I am still far from meh but the support I find here will help me get there someday. I would move to MEH ville in a second!
Trust that he sucks runs through my head often.
I really need to laugh and I can always count on a few each day from you and CN.
So thank you CL and good luck with your book. And thank you CN, we are MIGHTY! (I am really working to be anyway!)
SolterOltraVez, you do rock! Good for you!
Ditto! Order in and I will write a kick ass review as soon as I can! Happy to be putting my mad writing skills to a far better use than the legal guide douche bag and I were almost done co-writing when Dday hit!
I didn’t find CL and CN until 5 months after Dday but I now read all day long and I tell everyone I know about it.
Can’t thank you enough, Tracy!
But…but…but….what are all the Kool-Aid drinkers who are ‘reconciling’ (a/k/a now eating a steady diet of shit sandwiches) going to do when they find YOUR book sitting right next to their Bible of Delusion,”Not Just Friends” and all those other insipid self-help books they swear by? Their heads might explode!
I found out about a year ago that one of my dearest friends was reading “Not Just Friends” but when I asked if everything was okay, she said yes. But then I found out they were going to counseling an you could tell they were both in the reconciliation mode. Super lovey dovey but also, her H would FaceTime her when she was out with us. I suspect it was part of the deal that he call her regularly when they were apart and use FaceTime so she could see where he was rather than just a phone call. She never used to join him in his business trips but she has been on every single business trip since then. They seem to be okay now and I wish her well. Unfortunately, we’ve been hearing way too many rumors for years that her H cheats while on his trips but we could not confirm. I talk about Chump Lady all the time but I don’t think she will ever come here because she is in denial – that they’re “different” from other couples. Sigh.
Done. Tracy, I am so excited for you. Who would have thought that the worst thing that happened to you can turn out to actually have positive impacts – helping tons of chumps (including myself) and changing the cheater narrative.
Purchasing my own copy and many extras. may even start leaving copies in public places..
Yes, the revolution has finally begun.
Blessings and fortitude to you, Tracy…and to all mighty Chumps leading new lives. Revolutions require courage and tenacity as well as brave hearts. In other words,
we got this.
Pre-ordered and big congrats, Tracy. Great to see several fellow lurkers come out to post their comments.
I’ve learned a lot about narcissistic personalities from you, especially how NPDs play selfish games and lie without remorse. No Contact (or very nearly so) is the ONLY way to fly to get away from these types. The clarity that came after getting away was shocking, after my many years of spackling fogginess. What I learned/understood about him later on broke my heart all over again. Stories from CN folks let me know none of this is unusual (unfortunately) and most helpful was reading about the ways in which many of you were able to leave. Just knowing things can get BETTER gives so much hope.
I found this site in the aftermath of my situation. I keep coming back to pick up tips on red flag detection, boundary-setting and assertiveness from the contributors here. The humor and beautiful writing here is a lot of fun to read also! I’m hiding from people for now because I don’t trust my picker just yet. Seems like there are too many disordered people out there and they seem to want to glom onto me. I need jerk repellent of some sort!
Thanks, CL, for what you do and for doing it so very well. xoxo
Done! Looking forward to reading it and having it around as a reminder not to fall down the Chump Hole again. I’m worth more than what a sparkly, empty person has to offer, which is why I come back to this site even though I’m four years past the cheating. I think it’s easy for chumps to fall into the same patterns of seeing only the good, ignoring red flags, taking what crumbs we’re thrown, etc. I think I almost went down that same path last summer with a guy who seemed interested in me, but lucky for me, the interest didn’t last. When I started examining his behaviors and the things he said to me… I’m lucky that I didn’t become a chump for the second time. I clearly need to continue IC and my daily dose of Vitamin CL. 🙂
Pre-ordered my books!!! Congrats to you, Tracy!! April 5th is too far away. I can’t wait!! Your first book and Chump Nation on this site absolutely saved my life. I read the book many times and found someone who finally told me what I needed to hear. He sucks and I can gain a life.Thanks for everything, Tracy and Chump Nation!!!
Mark another preorder here…one for me on my kindle and one in book form to share. Tracy, you rock!☺
Pre-ordered and looking forward to reading it, CL!
Don’t know if anyone else has posted it, but CL’s new book is currently #2 on amazon’s best seller list in the category of Divorce: http://www.amazon.com/Best-Sellers-Books-Divorce/zgbs/books/11373.
CL is currently just behind “Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy.” (“In this book you’ll learn… Why silence is golden… How to prevent a man from losing interest… How to make him miss you… How to be on Mr. Ex’s Mind… What you should do to get him back …”).
If there’s any justice in the world (or common sense), the position of these two books will be reversed.
They will be!
Book is also in spot no 2 on Amazon UK and no 1 in Hot New Releases in Divorce. Makes me almost wish I was a newbie chump again and finding Chump Lady instead of all the other RIC shit I bought on Amazon. I said almost… Over 2 years now since D Day and over a year since Divorce- the latter was totally inspired by CL. You just can’t get the time back folks, so break free as soon as you can – don’t even wait til April !!- everything you need is here!
CL…. Totally unrelated question…. Should adult children take sides? Should they be expected to?
They should never take sides but my 36 year old daughter and my 33 year old son have taken their sperm donor’s (SD) side. He is now living in Cambodia with a 23 year old tart and her 2 little boys and he is having the time of his life if the photos I have recently seen are any indication and he looks happy. I was a truly devoted and loving and very caring and giving mother but it has not had any impact on my kids loyalty or love for me whatsoever. They along with their SD have devalued and discarded me without batting an eyelid. No, they should never take sides but some do.
Maree
Shame on them. One of the things I am currently working on is becoming selfish. It sounds odd coming from a chump doesn’t it? It took me a year and a half to stop making my plans around everyone else in my life, especially my children who are the same ages as yours. They are adults. And their behavior can be shitty. I decided to go to a New Year’s Eve party by myself. I’m going to learn how to sew and start a small business to supplement my income.
Stop looking at the pictures! So they are in Cambodia, seeing their dad shacked up with a prostitute whose using him for his money? Maree, when his health starts to fail, she finds a new daddy, or gets a STD will they take pictures?
Be selfish with your time. Spend it on you!!! Be adventurous, do something you would never have done before!! I’m thinking f a singles cruise would be fun. Fuck the old tired whore master and the disordered followers. They suck.
Of COURSE adult children can take sides!! They’re perfectly capable of figuring out their relationships with each parent, when given the appropriate and ACCURATE information. And i think the chumped partner has a right to be upset if the kids are fine and OK w/what the cheater did.
The minimum I would expect from adult kids would be that they respect the chumped parent’s wishes as far as contact w/the cheater (ie, don’t invite us both at the same time), and information flowing to the cheater about the chump (they may NOT answer cheater questions about the chump or the chump’s life, or provide such info to the cheater).
A fair post KarenE. However, my 2 kids have completely cut me from their lives and I am the chump. So therefore, I have not had the opportunity of saying anything at all. I was pushed out, shut down and the door closed and you would have thought that I have dropped from the face of the earth. My ex husband set the narrative very early in the piece and manipulated many people. I did not even have the pleasure of attending my daughter’s wedding and that is something that we can never get back and I did pay for half of the wedding. The ex paid for the other half and he attended. When I have not been told why all of this has happened I am still dumb struck but I have to let it be now. It is what it is and I cannot see any change at all. I feel that the damage that has been done to our once lovely family will never be repaired.
Yeh. I’m in the ‘read all the blogs’ mode and one in particular is a woman whose children have chosen the narc to support, I just don’t get how people can be so terrible to their parents. I wouldn’t expect a NC necissarily, but I cannot understand how they could watch their mom become such a shell and not see how disordered their dad is. It hurts my heart
Fuck yes they should take sides.
I, as an adult kid of a chumped mother, never want to see of, or hear my fuckwit cheater of a father ever again.
The only thing I want to know is when he is dead – and that is for the purposes of ensuring that his whore doesn’t get a damn cent of his assets. Revenge is a dish best served cold, after all!
The adult children who take the cheater’s side, 99% of the time, are cheaters, or disordered. No sane healthy person would tolerate that bullshit.
Yep. Fruit of the poisonous tree. And their chump parents still love the shit outta them. How do they heal. That’s so heartbreaking.
I just preordered you book and I love that it is arriving just days before my second DD day when I kicked him to the curb. That it was just a day before my birthday is just icing on the cake. I believe it was the universe’s birthday gift to me. Leave a cheater gain a life, indeed.
Pre-ordered yesterday, rock on CL and Chumo Nation!
I updated Twig Lady, but she’s looking a bit pixelated. (sigh) Anywho, hope you can all see her now!
The funny cartoon of twiglady is showing up now .. the reload worked.
Already pre-ordered it on Amazon!
Ordered!
I will order a few. But, I am gone from here. Too much male bashing(not you, Tracy).
I have recommended this site to a ton of betrayed people. I come in contact with a lot.
But, in good conscience, I have to stop.
I simply cannot send another betrayed guy here. Many are hurting. Many have heard that the cheating was justified because they are members of a gender that is unevolved, lacking in emotional intelligence, not good at communicating. One wonders how so msny great artists, poets, orators, philosophers etc. could have possibly come from such an unevolved group.
When they get here, asetrayed men, I am sure they see the same types of posts I see, containing derogatory remarks about men in general. So, they are already beaten down and have to listrn to how yhey are members of the oppressive,violent, rape loving patriarchy.
I cannot send them here.the message re infidelity is excellent, unique, supportive and comforting. But,except Tracy, virtually no one calls out the sexist,biased attacks on men.
Imagine if tbe men, who may be every bit as angry and bitter about their experiences with women started posting similar stuff.
When I disagreed with the comments on patriarchy or stats on domestic violence, i was called name, sworn at etc.
When I took the positio that calling men pricks and dickheads was no different than using the C word, I was attacked and it was insinuated that I was stupid by another .
attorney.
I love the message of ths site but men do not seem welcome here.
Again, I hope all of you find peace and your suffering ends.
Arnold, not all of us share this sentiment.
Cheating is a character-disorder, not a gender-based thing. In fact, I know more women cheaters than I do men cheaters, in my past. Irrespective of gender, cheaters are disgusting human beings.
Anyone who pulls this shit needs to fucking pull their head in. We are here for a common reason – dragging each other down over petty shit is inane and it needs to stop. We have been bullied by cheaters or otherwise abusive people – we don’t need to endure more shit from a supposed ‘safe’ ground.
(And I’m a person that even the C word isn’t offensive to me, heh)
I agree… it’s fine to say your cheating husband was bald and fat, that’s no big deal. Say that about a woman and see how that goes…. 😮
I am a male chump who has been on this site for years and has felt very little hostility based on gender. I agree there is a double standard regarding what is permissible to say about physical looks, not just on this site but in society in general. Whenever someone is attacked for characteristics they can’t change, such as physical attractiveness, it’s regrettable. But I don’t feel slighted by it on this site. I was raised to never insult a woman’s looks, period. Even if she is physically unattractive, a cheater, a liar–whatever. Men who run down a woman’s looks are a-holes, and I want to be better than that. I understand not everyone feels the same way. I also understand that the power dynamic is different for women,e specially when it comes to being judged based on physical traits. It may not be fair, but it’s the reality in which we live.
If you go to a site where thousands of women are talking about how they were screwed over by fat bald men and never expect to hear a word about how their cheaters were fat or bald, I think you’re being unrealistic. It’s going to happen. You can overlook it or make it the hill you want rhetorically to die on. It’s a matter of choice.
There is far more about the chump experience that unites us than there is about the gender experience that divides us. But if the small amount of gender-based inequity you find among posting chumps is too painful to bear, there are plenty of sites in the Internet devoted to the persecution of men based on gender. There are none, I believe, that address the issue of infidelity as helpfully as this one.
Arnold I’m sorry you feel unwelcome. I can see your point of view, and will personally try to ensure my comments are not derogatory to a gender. Personally from a growth perspective I think that it doesn’t really get me in the right track anyway. I would rather hate the cheater, get my world straight, concentrate on loving people who deserve to be loved, use that to heal, and maybe someday trust someone again. Maybe. I don’t know if I will get there. I hope I do. And telling myself that ‘all men are scum’ certainly isn’t going to get me there. I still want to have love. I might want kids, I might want to be married, I might want the things I thought I would have this time around. And the fact that I don’t want a thing right now is not all men’s fault. It’s one guy. I have loved your commentary and dialogue – I have noticed that your commentary has dropped off… Now I know why and it’s terrible. I am sad to know you haven’t found the whole support you need here or that this wasn’t a safe space for you because you’re a guy. That’s incredibly unfair. Don’t give up on us.
Great point that man-bashing not only inadvertently hurts male chumps that have come to this site for healing but poses a significant barrier to female chumps “gaining a life” if you might someday want a loving, reciprocal, hetero relationship.
Disagreeing with Arnold is not disagreeing with all of manhood. It’s disagreeing with Arnold.
The mistake Arnold frequently makes is believing he speaks for all of manhood. And that regardless of genitalia or identity, most of us got here from an Amazon or Google Search.
It does not ever, never not in a million years reflect on me if a man calls his cheating wife a fat whore. I’m fat, but I’m not a whore. The translation from physical attraction to disgust is a necessary stage of detachment from the cheater, and I won’t deny that to anyone being so self important or paranoid to think any whisper in an echo chamber is directed to me.
I’m not that powerful. Don’t wanna be.
Arnold,
I’m sad to hear that you have felt attacked on this site and do not want to refer other men to this site. Your input and the input of other men on this site has helped me (and I am sure many others, both men and women). Even though I have been hurt by several men, especially STBX, I am not a ‘man-hater’ and thus don’t bash men as a group. (No man is exactly like the next.) A few of the most noble chumps I know, including my current partner, are men. Thus, I have seen the soul-crushing damage some women have done to their husbands, and I have indirectly suffered from it as some of these men now have a very difficult time loving a romantic partner. Perhaps these new relationships would not have lasted or been fulfilling even if these men had not been chumped, but I can’t rule out the possibility that the ‘post-chumped’ relationships would have worked out well had these men not been abused and betrayed by their previous partners (wives).
Thank you, THANK YOU, CL AND CN!! You have provided me clarity, real hope, and courage to save myself and my kiddo. My STBX is religious, successful in his academic -research career, abusive, cheater. I left him and filed for divorce with restraining order in hand. THANK YOU !!
Dear Tracy – You and the Nation have “moved my cheese” Thank-you – with grace, Nain
Bought one to keep, one to give away because, sadly, I know I will know someone who needs it someday.
Just got a note from Amazon saying my order won’t arrive until May 12th. I take it the release date was pushed back? I hope that’s due to good pre-order sales
Whoa. News to me. I’ll ask my editor. Thanks for flagging that.
Ordered. Thrilled to do it even though I’m happily divorced and fully in meh. A change in infidelity culture is imperative. Thanks for all you do to make that possible Tracy!
I’m buying a copy for the husband of my STBX AP. When my divorce is final, I’m sending it to him.