Hello baby, yes it’s really me
After the wrong I’ve done
Guess you’re surprised to see me here at your door
Like a sparrow with a broken wing
Who’s come back to beg you reconsider me
Oh, reconsider me
I can’t make it without your love, you see
Just let me and I’ll love you eternally
Oh baby, reconsider me
The other day, I answered a letter from a woman who ended a dreadful relationship with a cheater. She’s no contact now, but still wishes for the day he’ll wake up and realize what he lost.
No Chumps! You do NOT want this! If the sparrow comes back with a broken wing, close the door. You’re not in the sparrow-fixing business. If the sparrow says “I can’t make it without your love” — threaten to break its other wing.
If Johnny Adams wanted me to reconsider him, okay, I admit I might hesitate. (His is the only version of this song “Reconsider Me” worth listening to — and I encourage every chump to download every Adams song ever recorded. He’s genius.) But on the whole, reconsidering someone who left you is a very bad idea.
Here’s the thing — they CAN make it without your love just fine. It’s the kibbles they can’t do without. It’s the back-up plan they’re missing.
It’s not uncommon for a cheater to get out into the world and realize, gee, life isn’t the same without cake. It’s also common for the relationship with the affair partner to tank, or not be so fabulous as they originally thought. In which case, upon consideration, hey you might do. Until something better comes along. There’s also a good chance your cheater leaves and gets slapped upside the head with the financial realities — and would like to sweet talk you back to a profitable limbo state.
Weigh that against “No, they’re really SORRY now!”
Chumps, if they don’t come back, if they never apologize — consider yourself BLESSED. You’ve been spared the mindfuckery and the second guessing.
They’re going to “love you eternally” NOW? Really? I believe they pledged that back on your wedding day in front of assembled family and friends. Define eternity. Because I thought eternity had a certain constancy.
If you fantasize about your cheater waking up one day and getting it — that means you’re not meh. It means you haven’t internalized that they suck. You still aren’t sure what your values are. But my values are forgiveness and second chances! Who doesn’t want to believe that they are so wonderful they can transform sinners into saints? That’s a heady dose of kibbles for the kibble-starved chump. Who doesn’t want to believe they matter — no really, deep down — to the person who devalued them? Who wouldn’t be tempted by that narrative and then dress that shit up as forgiveness? (No, tell me again how stupid you were, and how much you regret dumping me! Again! Again! I love to hear the story!)
How about your values are — self respect and self care. How about you set a very high bar for people who have betrayed you? Okay, a post-nup is not as romantic as slowly running across a cornfield at twilight to embrace, but I’ll take it over gushy regret. How about you stop hanging out with broken sparrows? Why not spend some time around eagles and barn owls and other purposeful animals? Because I see you more as a falcon than I see you as partner to the gimpy sparrow. How about you see yourself that way, chumps?
Reconsider them? You’ve got better things to do.
This column ran previously. Feel free to comment!