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Dear Chump Lady, I can’t deal with her mindfuckery

karma2Dear Chump Lady,

Two months ago my wife came home at 9 am after a “girl’s-night out.” I could feel in my gut that something was wrong.

The day before I had accompanied her to the salon while she got her hair done. We then went together to pick out a dress for her to wear that evening. I too am very into fashion, and so we frequently went shopping together. We have been in this city for just over three months, so I encouraged her to spend some time with her new girlfriends and coworker. Little did I know that she had been on a dating app lining up a date for that evening. Finally, after she got all ready to go out, she had me take a few pics of her in her new get-up. I now know from her phone records that she was talking to him over the previous three weeks when she said she had been talking to her estranged sister. Right before she left the house she texted him a photo I had just taken of her.

So the next morning she gets home seven hours later than she planned. No biggie I thought. We’ve been married 10 years I trust her. She just got a little more drunk than she planned. She told me she spent the night at her girlfriend’s and here she is safe and sound. But again, the pain in the pit of my stomach told me otherwise. I hung around the house because it was Saturday. I took the dog on a long walk; washed the dishes; and did some laundry. She spent the day texting him. I hoped she would be decent enough to admit what she had done. Nope.

Finally around 9 pm I had had enough. I went on a walk and screamed at the sky at the top of my lungs. I texted her and asked her “why she fucked some rando.” At first she denied it. But after a couple of texts she said she had “snapped” and yes she fucked him. The pain and anger were unbearable. 48 hours later I was on a plane to see my family for Thanksgiving. I haven’t seen her since.

Now, here we are two months later. She filed for divorce on our wedding anniversary. She is shacked up with fuckstick. She fucked a guy who has a kid from his recently divorced wife. (I’ve seen their divorce decree online.) This is a woman who swore, SWORE she never wanted kids. She convinced me to have a vasectomy so that we could stay childfree. (Mind you, I didn’t want kids either but the hypocrisy is staggering.)

Finally, four nights ago she calls me three times from a gas station near his house. He has put her out on the street without her purse, iPhone, laptop, or suitcase. She asks me to come pick her up. Thanks to my Chump Nation training, I don’t go. I ask her what happened and she gets pissed. She tells me she will just sleep outside in the 20 degree weather because he won’t let her in the house and hangs up on me. It’s been 72 hours and not a peep from her. I know she’s physically safe and back with him, but the fact that we’ve been together 10 years and yet she can’t even text to let me know she is alive is mindfuckery to the Nth degree.


Dear Ian

Poor little match girl. Shivering in the cold. Cast out by fuckstick.

What’s your question, Ian? Why didn’t she call you? Because you ceased to be of use, that’s why. You didn’t give her a ride. You only wanted the details of her (deserved) misery.

Oh, Mr. Wonderful threw you out? Without your purse or mobile device? And you only have on a thin cotton sweater and bunny slippers? And it’s below freezing out and the Exxon station is unmoved by your pleas for comfort? And you have to pee? Hey, I know! Take a picture! We can post it on your dating profile! ShiveryLittleMatchGirl87 — Out in the Cold But Hot 4 U! 

Ian, this is known as karma. It has visited your ex.

Her call for help was a plea for cake — be my chump! Do me a favor! Pay no attention to the dreadful way I have treated you! Stay of use to me!

Her silence can either goad you into pity, worrying about her welfare, and saving her from the Big, Bad, Scary Mr. Wonderful (this dynamic then morphs into the pick me dance — I’m sure she also tells Mr. Wonderful she had to be saved from the Big, Bad, Scary Ian)… OR you can take her silence as golden. It’s no contact.

Ian, I suggest you take the no contact. She’s not your problem any more. She fired you from the job as Partner, Personal Photographer to her dating profiles, and person who Gives a Shit.

She’s cold and lonely? Put another log on the fire and roast some marshmallows, dude. Enjoy the warmth of your new cheater-free life.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Way to go Ian. Stay on your path and be strong!
    Please avoid her calls as far as humanly possible.

    • // , Given that he still has the same phone numbers, and has not blocked her numbers, it seems like that’s not going to happen.

      • Because people clearly can’t call from payphones/other people’s phones/spoofed numbers, right?
        I believe he said it was a payphone.

  • Yeah that is a little bit of karma, not nearly anything near what all these fucksticks deserve. But one thing I don’t understand is why the bloody hell you are in any contact with her at all? I get the want and need to have them come crawling back so you can look them in the eye and say FUCK YOU and walk off, and I get the joy that comes from their deserved misery and pain. But it is all still a mindfuck that you need to pull yourself out of. You don’t have kids, unlike lots of us here who have to deal with those mother fuckers all the time. So why have any contact at all that isn’t through a lawyer? And I really hope you have a lawyer and are protecting yourself. Like I said I get the wanting to see them suffer and to hear them break down and say how bad they fucked up and maybe show some true remorse. But you are more likely to get bit by a snake in Antarctica than that happening. Stop torturing yourself, don’t just do it for you and your sanity do it for the rest of us here at CN who will have to deal with our cheaters for years to come because we have children. Let us live vicariously in NC through you.

    • … ah but accubonded, in true, full NC he’d have not heard of this RTA with the Karma bus – and I for one am delighted he did! 😀

      • … ps – I know it’s not big, not clever nor very Meh – but how delicious to have been able to tell her to give fuck herself … oh joy! 😀

        • Jayne, there is no doubt I would love to flip that whore off say fuck you and laugh as I walked away. I would love to know about every karma or whatever moment. I know full well I’m not at meh, but I do have to say I envy anyone here that has the option of going full NC. If I didn’t have kids I would have moved to Alaska the day the divorce was final, because the temptation to do something not so nice but that would feel oh so good is far to strong having to be here in the same damn city.

          • Yes, Brother YES! Preach! Oh the joy of putting Tinkerbell and Peter Pan in the rear view mirror! If only it was an option! I would trade anything save my child’s soul to have an O Happy Day such as that!

            Imagine! Never seeing thier face again! Blocking their evil number! Then from our comfortable igloo seeing their horrible twisted face on TV as the latest incredibigamist sent to jail for 20 years for criminal fraud!!

        • I don’t envy anyone who needs constant contact (even if limited) because of kids. But I’m with Jayne on this one–if one piece of contact allows you to tell the cheater what you think of him/her, full barrels, it is deliciously therapeutic. Mine emailed me to berate me for triggering lots of spam mail from someone looking up his email account in the Ashley Madison hack and to deny he had made the account. Not only was I able to let him know I had confirmed his AM account through sources that would not trigger him (a friend used the site that notifies the person being looked up), but for the first time to tell him I had evidence that he had been a serial cheater through most of the marriage–adult dating sites, screwing around at conferences, flirting with graduate students for years in full view of our friends, multiple student affairs….And I certainly left no room for interpretation that I thought he was a worthless POS. It did feel good, I confess (though I don’t have to deal with him as the underage daughter is in complete NC with him).

    • I agree this little bit of Karma is nothing compared to what these narcissistic morons deserve. She obviously feels confident calling you to rescue her. Under the circumstances is what surprises me. I know for most normal people the X would be the last person to call freezing cold in my undies, at a 76 station phone booth because the new BF/GF threw them out with nothing. My guess is she was able to get back in and they kissed and made up. Sounds like a they’re the perfect match and will be arguing again soon.
      Expect her to call again, next time I suggest you don’t answer the phone. She deserves a lot more of that kind of Karma and worse to bite her in the ass a before she gets close to what she deserves from Karma. Sounds like she off to a great start with her new friend.
      Narcissists will call when they want something from you and their voices sound sincere and kind, until they get what they want. Once they get what they want from you the Narcissist will throw you back out in the cold without a second thought .
      She will leave you in the cold with a broken heart, with hurt feelings and feeling violated and taken advantage of.
      Please don’t giver her an opportunity to take advantage of you again. You deserve respect and to be appreciated, like all of us her at CN.

      • I apologize for my choppy or repetitive writing, I kept getting interrupted, and lost my train of thought and had so much to say.., =)

        • So true — “Narcissists will call when they want something from you and their voices sound sincere and kind, until they get what they want. Once they get what they want from you the Narcissist will throw you back out in the cold without a second thought .”

          They are con artists. Don’t fall for it!!!

    • I think it may be because it was a pay phone- Ian can’t block a number he doesn’t know…?

      • Dang creativerational, bang on!

        (We chumps do tend become quite the detectives after we are left with a smoldering pile of marital ashes to sort through.) She DID call from the phone behind the counter at the gas station. I called the number to check.

        I’ve been mulling this over all morning. Taking it to worst-case scenario: I live in a “fault” divorce state; I’ve got her dead-to rights on infidelity; and she was trying to get some leverage. If I’d shown up at Fuckstick’s house and there is no record of her contacting me, I get to talk to the police. And she proves to her boyfriend I am the horrible husband she makes me out to be.

        It’s true. Without daily CN training I would never have had so much clarity!

        I hope all the Chumps out there take heed. WE are mighty!

          • Amen to that, and Praise God for ChumpLady and Chump Nation!!!!

            • Many dittos to CN and CL! Great wisdom and true validation for this experience that I would not wish on anyone but at least I have my community here. Ian, I want to say how absolutely horrific disturbing disgusting that you unknowingly were helping her arrange herself for the fuckstick. Wow, that is another hideous layer of cheater entitlement that simply blows my freaking mind and must have been a sickening thing to verify. I love that you trusted your gut, that you have such good instincts and knew something was up. Saying what nerve seems so underwhelming. All of my understanding and empathy is being sent your way and I am so truly sorry you had to endure this.

              • Oooh it still stings! I too took pics and helped him dress only to find he was dressing to go and cheat with a dating site date all arranged — and he used the pics I took of him on our vacations for his pof profile pics to lure them. Vacations I mostly paid for. How he dazzled his harem as a “single” man looking for s “good honest woman”. One profile pic a selfie he took, I’m on the beach in the background. It mocks everything. I still cry when I think about that!

              • Seeing Red, don’t cry when you think about that photo. Think about how stupid he really is and laugh your ass off. What a fool he is. It’s ALL on them and none on us. No one admires a cheater. They are seen as disgusting by anyone with good sense.

        • Here is what you do:
          Say, “sure, I’ll pick you up.”

          Then show up to the gas station, with blankets and a cup of nice, hot cocoa for her where she can see it and the blankets through the window.

          Maybe have the window cracked open enough for her to smell the delicious hot cocoa.

          Then when she comes to your car door, drive a little down the road. See if she runs after you.

          If she does, then wait until she comes to your car door, and then drive a little down the road.

          The last time, drink the delicious hot cocoa in front of her then peel out so rapidly that gravel permanently blinds her.

              • (Whoops! Am a little late to the party……)

                LOVE IT, tony!! You are sooooo freakin’ twisted! hehehhehehehe

                Personally, l don’t think I could pull it off…..But, I would love to see it if someone could! Cheaters deserve that and worse…….

                (hhhmmmm….l knew a Tony years ago that had one of the most twisted cheaters ever. Is that you?!? Either way, I love your genius!)

                Forge on, all you genius chumps….ForgeOn!

          • Oh, Tony, I like how you think!!!! LOL, I’d hat a fresh, hot steaming cup loaded with whipped cream (oh, remember THIS, TEO!?!?!?) and leave her/him in the cold!!!!

            • I have been saying out loud a lot lately the line from the song in The Meaning of Life, “Life’s a piece of shit, when you look at it.”

              Life’s a piece of shit, when you look at it, so why not look on the bright side of things.

              Why not have some fun at their expense? At least in my mind it plays out like this.

              I also think where the chump could tell the cheater, “yes! I would love to reconcile! When is the first appointment? Great! I’ll be there!” Then go to Paris or a Caribbean island for a week. come back and say, “The seventh? I thought you meant the fourteenth! My bad!” Then see how many times they can do this before the chump serves the cheater the divorce papers.

        • Ian, you are a great teacher. I don’t know what I would have done in this situation because I was still in the FOG.
          But YOU ~~ you got it. Early. Accurately. Wisely. Stunningly.

          And CL, how brilliantly delightful are you? AGAIN. My thanks. My humour quota (kidding. it is limitless!) was sated by “ShiveryLittleMatchGirl87 — Out in the Cold But Hot 4 U!”

        • You are likely correct. Anyone who has you take pics of them to send to their AP is fully capable of setting you up for a Domestic abuse charge. My ex did that to me, stay away from her.

          • Yep, Datdamwuf, true!!!

            I just had a flashback of him asking me to take some pics of him one night before he went out…just now realized WHY…fucking asshole douchebag!!!!

            • That is shocking, Ian.

              I didn’t get invited out to help him spiff up for the OW, but he did something similar with the photos. He handed me the camera numerous times on a pre-DDay weekend trip to my best friend’s in the country and had me hopping out of the car all over the place to get just the right photos. “Take it from over there. Did you get the top of the trees?”

              Then he sent them all to her to illustrate his favorite getaway in the country to “his friends’ house”! And had me take some of him with MY best friend from childhood and her husband! He took just one of me with my pal, only because she asked him to, and then cropped me right out!

              What a shock to find texts later that revealed that she knew all about them and their life! WTH? In his fever of delusion, I am sure that he was planning to take her there after the final discard of me, once the dust had settled. So sure of his charm that he thought my bf would actually welcome him one day.

              Get your OWN bf and hire a photographer!

    • “…wanting to see them suffer and to hear them break down and say how bad they fucked up and maybe show some true remorse. But you are more likely to get bit by a snake in Antarctica than that happening…”

      Yep!!! Sad but true!!!

  • Be strong. The pain decreases with No Contact. Every time there is any knowledge of my ex (daughter’s Facebook), I take many steps backward. Just don’t do it.

  • Yeah, if I was in danger, I would call someone I had treated horribly to ask for help, then get huffy if I don’t get what I want, lay a guilt trip, then hang up. NOT.

    Yay for your boundaries. Not your circus, not your car full of clowns. Let the next clown entertain her.

  • Filing on your wedding anniversary. Now, that is cold.

    Stay strong. You are doing great, Ian. Wish I had CL when I was in the midst of the madness myself. Can relate to the “girls’ nights out” lines. The gut usually is dead on.

    • My X “secretly” meet his AP on my birthday (with a GPS) after which I kicked him out. A few weeks later he filed for divorce on our anniversary and when I texted him “happy anniversary” he sent a sad emoji. It’s like dealing with a mentally challenged child. So glad he is out of my life.

      Ian let her dig her own grave and my heart goes out to you as you mourn what you thought was a good relationship. Mine also had me take lame photos of him in a mountaineering store with a down jacket on in front of a stupid prop of the alps. In hindsight it was for his AP. Truly soulless turds. Onward and upward.

      • I’m convinced them going to their AP on significant dates like birthdays and anniversaries is a form of triangulation. Not only does it hurt you (ex narc was with skankations on my birthday as I found our months later on DDay), it’s something they can use to mess with AP’s head as well.

        • Good point.. so they are sitting there with the AP, reminiscing about the Ex and thereby persuading the AP to “try harder”, yeah those narcs!

          • Ewwww, I just had a flashback too. Ex was with AP on my birthday the whole day, then came home and with my daughter arranged a little cake and flowers for me. WTF is that? In a million years I cannot fathom such deception and hideous behavior.

            • Mine was worse..he came home late on my last birthday before DDay after daughters were waiting for him to bring a cake and a gift on their behalf. He obviously forgot and my lovely girls (they were 10 and 8 years old) improvised a “cake” by sticking some candles into a banana! I discovered later that he was with the OW… but it wasn´t the first birthday that he forgot or showed up late…

            • My 40th and 41st birthdays were decimated with his head firmly inserted into OWs ass. My daughter (then 10) tried to throw me a party since she knew I was upset…the poor thing thought it was just the party that upset me, really it was OW and abandonment.

              For the 41st, he called D and gave her a credit card number to buy me a gift…I picked out a diamond and sapphire ring but today I hate that stupid thing.

              When I turned 50, my new guy was determined to make it good (his XW chumped and dumped him over when he was turning 40 too). He took me on a yacht cruise of the Aegean Sea with side excursions to Istanbul & Ephesus.

      • X asked me if he could go to a holiday party as psycho neighbor’s escort, I said – No, are you high? You’re trying to date her!
        He then held me down on our bed for half an hour, til I said he could go, Domestic Violence, anyone?
        He said- I don’t know what to wear….and I helped him pick out clothes, so he could go cheat on me! I still can’t believe I was that downtrodden, and he probably got super kibbles over that one!

        • this is sick psychological abuse. you were suffering from stockholm syndrome. I hope you are healing!

          • Yes, thank you Muse ?
            But, I always say- my innocence is gone, I don’t know if I’ll ever truly trust again. Aside from that, life is great, now!

            • OMG FreeWoman, that is serious abuse. I am so sorry. I love your name and truly hope you are free from such violence.

              • Thank you ChumpB, I love freedom, and I remind myself all the time to seek it out. I was with X for 35 years, and he is some kind of Personality Disorder, so I sort of feel sorry for him, but ultimately, I had to get away so I could have a REAL life. Not the fantasy he had, where I only served, and had zero rights. I’m 900 miles away from him now!

      • The Jackass dropped me off at the door on my birthday to go home early, no doubt to text with his MOW. They sure have a way of marking special occasions.

    • The OWife filed for divorce from her H on Valentine’s Day.
      Yup ex and OWife deserve one another.

      • Oh, yes. These f-tards have zero class, and are SO intent on continuing their lies about us loyal spouses, they’ll do anything to convince themselves we’re the enemy, and that includes trying to hurt us on special dates, or holidays. WTFever. The douchebag in my scenario actually took the “divorce with kids” mandatory class on our 17th anniversary. It was 11 mos out from DDay, and he had already moved in with his nasty ho-worker who also blew up her marriage & kids’ family. One month after I left a voicemail telling the OW’s now XH what was going on, he filed for divorce from her on Valentine’s Day. That was nice.

        It got much better for me because what these douchbags don’t realize is that when they made the daily choice to screw over good people who actually loved them, they were buying a one-way ticket to shitville on a Karma Bus.

        Within months of them destroying our families, and FINALLY being free of us horrible, loyal spouses, these two whore-soul-mates were already cheating on each other which – I know – is quite shocking. She kicks his stupid ass out of her house, and he was literally squatting in an empty rental house we had that was being foreclosed on.

        According to the extensive police report…he drove by her house, sees some random guy’s truck, breaks into her whorehouse (where her very small kids are, also), sees his soulmate with another man in her bed (*yawn…*) beats the guy unconscience (no, really), and gets arrested. Two felonies in one swoop.

        WHO gets the call from jail the following day? Me.
        What was it that he could possibly want from me after serial cheating on me for 23 years, blowing up my family, and abandoning me and our child? Don’t hold your breath…

        Douchebag: “Can you give me my divorce lawyer’s number??” (Too dumb to realize he needs a criminal lawyer…)
        Me: “Why are you in jail?”
        Douchebag: “I beat someone up who was in my house” (Did we really expect the truth from a liar?)
        Me: “Why don’t you get your whore soulmate to get it for you?” (I was NC for 14 mos at this point)
        Douchbag: “We broke up. Can you just give it to me?!”
        Me: “Nah. This isn’t my problem, and I’m not home. You need to grow the hell up and figure this out on your own.”
        **Click!** (I hung up.)

        Since these two years since DDay, I’ve finally started accepting that I don’t need a douchbag’s attention, false affections, or even a partnership more than I need to love and respect myself. Our grown kids are NC with him, and he hasn’t seen his own grandkids in 2 years. And we’re all HAPPY. We love each other, and are 1 million times better off having had to walk this horrible journey. Good riddance, douche.

    • Hi DM, man can I relate to the girls night out thing, too. Except in my case it was “girls’ weekend at the beach, dropped off a block from home ’cause they were in a hurry.” Gut didn’t lie about that one, she did.

      • I was never ever comfortable with being invited to a ‘girls night out’, even though they were real girls(friends) and married. I was very happily married but thought, what the heck, (yanno, moved to a big city – need new g/f’s) and hated leaving hubby to go out drinking and hearing how the others were unhappily married…which, lead to the reason THEY wanted to be in a bar drinking and playing pool. When I saw my ‘friend’ cozy up to a guy at the bar, I wasn’t sure what was going on and I sure didn’t want to dance with anybody that asked me. Another friend got piss assed drunk and, I know, would have gone home with anybody.

        Nope – I didn’t do that after- I stayed home and cozy at home with MY hubby (yanno-my best friend) and on weekends play great jazz and dance!

        • Girls nights out and boys nights out, trolling at meat markets, clubs and such are 100% inappropriate and shouldn’t be happening in a committed relationship or a marriage. At all.
          The only outings of that manner that would be appropriate, would be say, to one of the guys houses to play poker and drink beer, or something like that. Not to cozy up to sluts.

    • I experienced that particular mind fuck. He invited me, via text message, to see the divorce lawyer on my birthday and then denied doing it.

      Gaslighting at it’s best.

      No Contact is the best thing ever.

    • X got caught on our anniversary. From reading here, that is not at all uncommon. What better way to make sure you are the center of attention? Or to make sure that your faithful spouse can never forget what you have done? Once again, cheater 101.

      • So true. Kibbles, right? Triangulation, too. Anything to feed their empty souls (or holes, as the case may be).

        • Oh I’m forgetting that crap. My goal is to have NO triggers. I’m getting over it and moving on. It’s still hard for me to drive past my husband’s job but I’m working on it. I will say, I have not ceased to be amazed at these stories. I was telling my friend my story and I said “can you believe that” and she said yes,after everything she’s heard. But I haven’t quit being shocked yet.

    • Ian. In her twisted selfish way she has given you a gift. Your freedom and sanity.Take it and RUN and never look back. She is toxic. She is cold. She had you shop with her for hookup clothes. She had you take photos of her for hookups. She filed divorce on your anniversary. She is cryoenic. Liquid nitrogen. How fitting that she would be left by her lover OUT IN THE COLD. Poetic isnt it?

      • I don’t think I could describe her any better than yo just did. Stick to No Contact, Ian. And good for you, listening to your gut. The gut does not lie.

        • What is it with the asking us to take photos and then sending them to the AP!! And the other way it’s like they get their jollies from the mindF#*£€¥•!!!

          I discovered a photo she took of him and he sent to me and he posted on social media. Only because on messenger they were having such a laugh about this photo of him by himself hiking (which he was supposed to be doing). That they had put one over on me. Heh News flash the camera has a timer losers. That’s why I didn’t question it!!!

          They are so totally F$&@ed up. Mental really. And the best either of them could come up with was “I’m Sorry”. Really.

          Well karma hit him as after DDay she dropped him like a hot potato. He wasn’t living up to the fairytale he’d promised her poor didums. She moved very quickly on to her next Victim, who by the way has dumped her from his life. Love social media to keep you updated on the Karma that hits their lives. There is more to come to.

          • yo – not to undermine you but I did have to Google that word.
            It’s Cryoenic Liquid.

    • Yes, DM, very cold— my 1st EXH went to his divorce lawyer to file for our divorce on our wedding anniversary. Then came home with a “happy anniversary” card signed that he would always love me, and with roses!!! Asshole he was for sure- that nearly killed me itself…I grieved for years over 1st marriage….

      The difference between EXH#1 and TEO is that EXH#1 has come full circle with me and has owned all of his shit and has apologized repeatedly to me. He’s on wife #5 now and we are actually friends… the ONLY reason we are so good now is that he owned his shit and apologized…

    • It is very cold to file on one’s wedding anniversary. The only good point to it is that one to two years after divorce, you will then start to celebrate that date again–this time for the freedom from mindfuckery that it brought.

  • The ex Asswipe keeps coming around to check up on me and thinks we will still be friends and hook up now and again. Ha damn fool! I’m letting him think that til this house sells. Soon soon soon! When it does completely totally no contact. I bailed out of Facebook and all other social media. I will block him on my phone and block him from texts. I will hurt I know, I still love who I thought he used to be but this too will pass. I will be mighty!! My Tuesday is coming I can feel it!!!

    • Good going–it really does pass. It’s awesome, too. No Contact is the fastest route to Tuesday. Each contact sets you back.
      Keep going. You will get there.

    • Same here, I played along with his game until our divorce was final, knowing damn good and well as soon as the divorce was final, I wouldn’t be as nice as I was!!! “Don’t hate the player, hate the game”!!! My Tuesday came and it was glorious!!!

  • Trigger!
    Just before D-day #2, I had helped my XW buy a new bathing suit. We picked out one with a revealing top and a skirt to cover what she thought was a problem area. I thought she looked hot. She asked me to take a photo. She sent the photo to a coworker and someone else, she said. The coworker I was thinking of was female. I figured someone else was another female or sister. Nope!!! She sent it to the guy she’d been fucking for at least 4 months. What an idiot I was not to see it, especially since it was the second time around. Actually, I not realize it was more than two affairs but I didn’t know that then.

    Now, she’s been shacked up with Zero for almost two years, our divorce just past one year. She’s shopping for a house and buying sex toys, videos, and silky things. Life is beautiful for her. Meanwhile I’m struggling with keeping a relationship, paying the bills, raising my two teen boys (that she refuses to help financially). I hate my life.but I’m glad to be rid of her.

    • If she can afford sex toys, she can afford child support. Get enforcement on her (skirt-coverd) ass!

      • She pays the state mandated amount minus the approved deductions. That leaves almost enough to buy groceries for the two boys. I cover everything else. She’s supposed to pay for half of the extracurricular activities but won’t. She has told me flat out she’s refusing to pay. She told my oldest that she won’t help him with his extra needs because she already gives me money. She tells the kids she can’t spend and more time or money on them because she’s giving me so much.

          • Same here – mine tries to squeeze me for money periodically, but when I show him receipts and invoices that show I pay more for shared costs than he does, he suddenly backs off. Yes, I know we should have more structure to expenses, but it’s such a goddamned headache every time we try to settle up that I gave up.

          • My ex sued ME for child support and won! So not only did I put up with him and his ho, his abuse, joint custody craziness, I have to pay for the privilege. He is one sorry excuse for a “man”.

            • I’m so sorry, honey!!!! I went through the same ordeal, but fortunately, one of my two sons with him came to live with me, so the child support went to zero…however, those months I was paying was an absolute mind-f*ck torture— seeing my boys living with their dad and his replacement for me that was an absolute bitch to my sons, hearing about the negative comments said, having to “check with ‘X’ if it’s OK that I see my sons…having to bite my tongue at ball parks, gatherings, parties, etc. …UGH!!!!”

              You’re in my prayers…I have been there, and I feel your pain!!!!

        • She can’t spend more time? Really. Won’t be long before your boys see right through that.

          They see right through that already, of course.

          A real mom would do anything to be with her kids. She’s a manipulative, self-centered, soulless shell. Don’t envy anything that she has. It’s never enough. She’ll never rest, never be happy. You don’t want that in your life.

          Appreciate peace.

          Stop finding out what she buys. It’s just for show, anyway.

        • Cheaters are crap parents period. My son’s father gives him souvenirs (presents) from all the exotic places he and OWife vacation to. They miss the triangulation, it seems. The ex also skipped out on his kids. Yup. He was “every thing is different now.” Who the fuck is he!?!?

        • ChumpDad, I can relate. My STBX took me to court and over the last 1.5 years, with the support of our current (female) judge, has financially cleaned me out. Attorneys tell me I cannot recoup the $500K I have lost/been denied through Court errors (including basic computational errors). My kids and I I will be impoverished while STBX lives a very comfortable, easy life, rarely working, while I work two jobs. I would like to become an advocate for change in Family Court to help prevent wayward judges, who are biased, illogical, can’t find their way out of a paper bag, or just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, conjunction with criminal estranged or ex-spouses, from destroying innocent people.

        • I would document this. Maybe not for them, but for you, and if they seem confused, or you have to explain why something extra isn’t possible (say a school ski trip or something) and it comes back to mom not supporting those things- if they’re teens they’re also supposed to be understanding what things cost. You track food, activities, allowance, clothing expenses for them, and note what mom sends…. Even if you divide grocery bills and remove 1/3 ft yourself (which is crazy because teens eat everything) you will have a tidy document for yourself, and to help them see you’re not just claiming mom is not supporting. They have to learn to budget and save too, and statistically at least one will end up divorced… May as well teach them how you have managed to make things as good as possible for them.

        • If she’s supposed to pay half, in most states, you can keep track and go back to court for what she owes you.

    • What is it with these people? At least my wife had the “decency” to take her own underwear pictures in the mirror. When I found out about the pics, she also gave me a line similar to your wife’s in that she was just sending them to her “girlfriends” to seek their opinions – OK, well then why was the only person who she sent those pics to a guy?

      • What grown-up needs an underwear consult involving pictures? Ever?

        Red flag right there!

    • Same here, ChumpDad…TEO’s exact words in a text to me a week before Christmas was “I pay you child support, I’m not going to pay for other sh*t too”!!! Even though in our papers it clearly states that he is on the hook for half of everything regarding our daughter.

      So far, I haven’t needed/asked for a damn dime, but once I get my money leveled and straightened out, I plan on finding some therapy, activities I can enroll her in and see what he does.

      His latest tactic on FB is that he is now claiming that he is a “victim” of “parental alienation”- the f*ck?!?!?!?! He never asks me for extra time with her!!! I told him on Christmas Day that unless he wanted to pick her up from school or before school and drop her off at school, then if it was my time, then no. That’s when he started getting pissy about me not adding his OWIfe onto her school’s pick up list….GAH!!!!

      I guess unless I let OWife pick up our daughter, he doesn’t want to spend extra time with her.

      I truly have NC with him except for every other Friday and every other Sunday and it’s only about picking her up or what time he’s dropping her off. Other than that, I don’t hear from him, and I am so grateful!!!!

      I would feel bad for our daughter that her dad doesn’t do much with her, but honestly he was a piss poor dad when we were together, and I doubt much has changed now. As sad as it is, she’s used to being ignored by her dad at the ripe old age of 7 & 1/2.

  • Sweetheart, you need to stop feeling so damn much. I know that sounds impossible, but you not only wear your feelings on your sleeve, you have them quilted, appliquéd, and bedazzled up both pant-legs. She created this mess. She has to deal with the consequences. She fired you from that job when she used you as her stylist for her hookup.

    And no, she doesn’t owe you a “follow up” to her calls for distress. Because that was the whole point, leaving you wondering whether she’s OK and drawing you back into her web of manipulative bullshit. I’m going to guess that instead of calling from the gas station, she was calling from her boyfriend’s back porch while he was inside opening her a bottle of wine. Because she is covering her bases, hedging her bets. She wants to make sure that you are still on the hook, in case it doesn’t work out with her new boyfriend.

    She’s manipulating you. Stop making it so easy for her. She’s an adult. She knows how to dial 911 if she’s in real trouble. Stop worrying about her needs and her safety and her fricking wardrobe. Start worrying about you. If you’re not in therapy, get in therapy. If you are in therapy, please discuss with your therapist how you can learn to be more assertive about your own needs and less codependent.

    You started this process off strong, refusing to accept her cheating bullshit. Now finish strong.

      • I would add, I agree, it’s probably likely that she’s making the whole “cast out” story up for kibbles. Or she had some tiff and wants to make sure Ian Plan B is lined up.

        • I think Ian Plan B is probably the goal here.

          XH is strangely reluctant to cut the cord in our marriage, which would involve signing a waiver that would shorten the settlement process so I could be out of the house (and I have a home loan closing date looming that I’ve had to adjust, and now have to pursue less-attractive mortgage options in the short term, and pay extra costs down the road to refinance). The only reason I can think of is that he hates change.

          Now he has an ex-wife appliance who lives in the house and makes sure that the house is okay. Once the ex-wife appliance leaves, he’ll have to shoulder that responsibility on his own instead of shacking up with the Schmoopie appliance, who’ll move into the wife appliance role next fall (Halloween!!!).

          So you are the Ian Plan B appliance, but she’s checking up on whether the warranty is still good. Here is how I read the situation.

          She and fuckstick had a tiff. She walked out in a huff, grandstanding a big exit, proclaiming that she can go back to Ian. Then she pulls out PoorLittleMatchGirl on Ian, who Stays Strong Way To Go Ian.

          At that point, she had to slink back to fuckstick, tell him she was sorry, and then had hot monkey make-up sex to prove their Twu Wub, but she also realizes that her lifetime warranty with the Ian Plan B appliance ran out when she abandoned him for fuckstick appliance.

          Ian, good for you! I’m glad that reading here has helped you see through the mindfuckery and cut through her bullshit!

    • Ian I have to respectfully disagree with PuckMuse’s statement about feeling too much. You are entitled to your feelings. It is healthy as long as you process them in a positive way as much as you can. I think it is admirable that you wear your feelings on your sleeve and you shouldn’t change that about yourself. I’m impressed that you went no contact so soon. There are going to be some bumps along this journey but it sounds like you are doing really well considering your Dday was only 2 months ago. Good for you!

    • YES!!!! It is a little bit scary how much we know about this disordered nut jobs.

  • This won’t be the last of her calls to you, Ian, you can bet on that. So stay strong and say no. No contact does wonders for you as long as you maintain it.

  • It’s laughable to me that she calls you for help after what she pulled on you. She didn’t call her girlfriends did she? Nope. Because that’s not near as much fun as being able to tell the “boyfriend” that her future X came and saved her. She’s trying to triangulate. Shit isn’t working out with him so she wants to pull you back in. She wants to fuck with his head and she wants to fuck with your head.

    I’d put money on this happening again. You’ll get a late night phone call, maybe some tears, who knows. But if I were you, I’d change my number and completely ice her out of your life.

    People who betray you, regardless of how many years you’ve been together, do not get a seat in your life. Having any kind of contact with her whatsoever serves absolutely no purpose. Change your number.

    • It could be that her “friends” are just pieces of shit who would never actually help her out of a tough scrape.

      During the “pick me” dance stage of the affair, when I was trying to convince my then-husband to give reconciliation a chance, he said to me, “Everyone involved thinks I should divorce you. Everyone involved can see that I’m happy with [Schmoopie] and thinks I should be with her.”

      Who’s “everyone involved,” I asked? Anyone I know?

      His loser friends from dance clubs and his co-workers. People who knew him and Schmoopie very well and were “friends” with them but had never even met me. People who didn’t have kids or family responsibilities and thought him acting like he didn’t have kids or family responsibilities was a splendid idea. I tried to convince him that these shallow excuses for human beings were not his “friends” and had no business weighing in on our relationship and would never be there for him when he really needed them, but he wouldn’t listen.

      Fast forward to post-divorce land. Schmoopie dumped him and every time he’s in a scrape, he tries to call me and ask for help. I’ve gotten really good at saying “no.” I’ve repeatedly had to remind him of these wonderful “friends” who gave him such good advice about divorcing me and suggest that he should call one of them, or Schmoopie (because they’re still such good “friends”), or the ho-worker he had an emotional affair with. Of course, he never does (or if he does, they do shit for him after all he’s done to help them out).

      I imagine a good number of cheaters are shit for picking friends just like they’re shit for picking people to cheat with.

      Speaking of kids and hypocrisy… he moves to Idaho next month, chasing a long-distance relationship with a woman with 4 kids. Given what a shitty, terrible parent he’s been to his own 2 kids, all I can say is, good luck with that.

      • I call them my husbands minions.

        He has two groups of “friends”- sad sacks and loners he can manipulate for favors and older guys he uses as pseudo parents. The older ones get fed limited information about him, he’d die if they thought he was a cheater although he does feed them pity plays. The minions get a combo of the pity play and bullying. He likes to trade favors too and keeps an accounting of everything.

        Doesn’t do couple friends as that would remove a lot of triangulation and the solid couples aren’t as open to manipulation.

        Mine is a shitty father too and currently in an international, poor me, idealized romance relationship with a woman with 4 kids. We’re twins!! I WISH he would move to be with her but I’m not sure he is willing to give up his toys.

        • I had to read his private messages on Facebook and all his “over the hill” groupies who he and Schmoopie had enlisted as their personal cheerleading squad encouraged these two to continue the affair and encouraged my ex to go ahead and divorce me! One woman told him that I would “adjust” to the divorce because she had seen it in her own family! Bear in mind that NONE of these so-called friends had ever met in person!! They were all just Facebook “friends” and personally did not know each other at all except for the social media friendship they shared! Unbelievble, but my ex and Schmoopie went ahead and blew up two marriages on the advice of total strangers in different states! I notice that these same “sage counsellors” disappeared from my Facebook page the very day that my ex and Ho bag performed the dirty deed! Three years after the fact I notice these same idiots have left Facebook and there is no indication they are involved in my ex and Schmoopies lives! I just don’t know how to thank these stupid asses for encouraging the destruction of my entire life!! Some ideas come to mind, but I would rather NOT go to jail for the rest of my life over idiots!! Thanks loads folks!

        • All my cheater’s closest friends are cheaters themselves. As moral cretins, it validates them to be around other morally-crappy people.

      • No kids? I would block her from EVERY contact avenue possible! Block phone number; block her on social media and block her email or direct her address to spam.

        Even more effective is if you can change all of those things. It’s a pain in the neck to be sure but it’s not nearly as much pain and aggravation they call when they try to spin you back into their web.

        Don’t answer any “blocked ID” calls either. I get a few of these occasionally and I ignore them. If it’s important enough, whomever it is will leave me a message.

    • Rumblekitty, it is astounding the lengths they will go to in their efforts to lure us back in, without even a peep of a thought about how much they abused us.

      Lately it’s been hitting me how truly deep their sense of entitlement runs. Whereas we chumps might believe we are entitled to an acknowledgment of wrong-doings, entitled to an apology, and entitled to a fair settlement after we kick their asses to the curb–all of which are ultimately rooted in an ethical sense of justice–these disordered freaks feel entitled to lie to us, entitled to cheat on us, and entitled to fuck us every which way and back when we finally stand up for ourselves. They feel entitled to whatever wants they have and entitled to distort reality and facts and gaslight us about them in order to justify whatever wants they felt entitled to in the first place. It’s mind boggling.

      And yes, Ian, please block her number! I would give anything to be able to block STBX’s number and face from my life, but until our youngest is out of the house the best I can do is try to use whatever stress-management techniques I can to quell the nausea I feel every time I hear his ringtone on my phone. As someone else said, do it for us, those who can only live vicariously through chumps who are in a position to go full NC while we still have years ahead of us dealing with their antics.

    • She will wait until the next cold snap and show up in cute jeans, a wet t-shirt and adorably appropriate little bra, and sit in Ian’s porch… Crying silently. He will walk out into the cold. Surprised, but immediately put his sweater around her shoulders and she will shrug into it, he will sit with her. She will turn and cry into his shoulder. He will hesitantly put his arms around her, and smell her hair. She will start nuzzling and then slowly move to kiss him. And then gasp/cry and say “I’m so sorry” and he will put his finger to her lips, silencing her. He will kiss her forhead, pick her up and carry her inside, closing the door with his foot.

      [fade] andddddddd sceeeeeene.

      Cue three weeks later when she pulls the same damn shit with running back to dickpic (because you know it will happen.)

      Drama drama drama. She’s a drama vampire and wants all your energy. She wants movie moments, transparent snippets of fiction, weird pustules of ’emotion’ because she is a transparent shell of a person. An actor in reality. I’m sure she would have some post modern look at this saying ‘aren’t we all just playing parts? Making our moments is what life is about.” Right. Then if life is just imitating art. And she is making her moment of her life movie…. Then she’s the fucking villain.

  • Oh Ian, the mind fuckery has just started. Stay the course….stay no contact. And the only reason I would be concerned if she died out in the cold is if you are the benefactor on the life insurance policy… Otherwise send flowers.

    • She’s not worth the flowers…unless he sends them to himself….to celebrate.

  • Ian, you are MyHERO Bro!
    I also once had a call in the night from my BPD Cheating Ex, and, stupidly went and “rescued” her (my reward was her returning to the OM to continue the affair).
    I WISH I had responded to her shit the way thst you have!
    Stay Strong Friend…you will (when it is time), see that someone worthy of you will see YOU as the prize.

  • Glad to know you’re free of this disordered person. Please change your phone number and/or block her. You are still processing the betrayal and it hasn’t sunk in yet that she doesn’t give a rip about you. Ten years or thirty or fifty won’t make any difference. They only care about themselves and if you aren’t useful any more, it’s Adios to you. Stay strong, Ian, we’re rooting for you.

    • It sure is taking a long time to get to my X; I suspect the Karma Bus didn’t get his forwarding address and is visiting me instead. Since I threw him out, I’ve had a washing machine overflow & the water seeped under tiles & cracked them, sump pump malfunctioned, and now I have a leak in my underwater pipes hemorrhaging 500 gallons per day. Where is X? In his new million-dollar mansion with his replacement family, flying to Puerto Vallarta for last Thanksgiving.

      Don’t get me wrong–I’m still happier than I was with X, even with all the repairs (and I did get a great new kitchen tile floor as a result). But sometimes patience is required for the Karma Bus, as it doesn’t publish its schedule.

  • Do yourself a favor and Dump This Whore. I stayed with mine a long time, due to our child, but wish I’d left sooner. I never could really trust him again. I couldn’t even love him again, although I didn’t know it then. I was still angry. I’d “won the prize”. Yep, a lying, cheating whoremonger. Just what I always wanted. Not. Fucking Loser.

  • She sounds like an utterly dreadful (if not well-dressed) excuse for a human being. She snapped? Making a dating profile sounds a bit more pre-meditated than that, huh? You are doing awesome!! Keep it up and you’ll join us on this side of Mehville someday soon.

  • And Ian, thank God you don’t have kids with this skank. You can truly be free of ever seeing her whoring ass again.

  • Ian, I know you don’t see it this way but think of this little glimpse into their reality as a gift. Lots of us chumps are left to think our cheaters are living lives of sunshine and pure bliss with the affair partner. It can make us feel low, like we’re defective somehow and caused the marriage to fail. At least you got a little confirmation that it isn’t like that. Twu wuv is always such drama 🙂

    • I just have to say, Seat, that I love, love your screen name! On the weekends when I’m cleaning, I think your name would make a great rap song!

    • Ian, I agree with what others have said. The main point of her phone call was to make sure you’re still thinking about her and still give a shit. She’s making sure you’re still on the line…orbiting around the narc-planet that is her. It’s emotionally abusive to you. Detach from the mindfuckery.

  • You go, Ian! I love it that you didn’t come to her rescue. Can’t believe the gonads on her – calling you when things got shitty with Mr. Wonderful. Sounds like she’s met her match – let the games begin!

  • One more thing, I seriously doubt this is her first “affair.”. People always think one of two things when cheated on, I’ve noticed. 1.). They realize the person always was a dick all along, but they spackled over it. Or 2). They presented themselves as a decent human being, and kept their true self hidden.

    Ive had the pleasure of having both types and I’ll take #1 anyday. Those sneaky covert sanctimonious types are the worst. Sounds like you had #2. In more ways than one (a little potty humor there).

    • Hilarious Anita! I’m with you, I would choose #1 any day. Then you don’t have to convince anyone, even your own kids, what they are really like. That’s not our job anyway but it is nice when people can see through the BS easily. My stbx was a #1 and I was great at spackling, his mom is a #2 and I find that way more annoying.

    • Cheaters can be both #1 and #2. The ex is a successful businessman, has a nice house (not as pretty as the one he dumped), travels, drives a nice car, does a lot of things well. But hangs out with his kind of bros/hos, all divorced people who have Cheated on their spouses. No wonder I never fit in.

  • Yeah, cheaters and their colluders seem to be in love with pic sharing. That’s how I have so many boob pics of the whores who were sending my husband pics. Boy did they panic when they found out I had found them and sent them from his phone to mine. They get to be paranoid forever about that. Will she send them to someone I know? Will she post them on the internet? Does she care if she’ll get in trouble for it? I’ll let them simmer and wonder about that. ?

    Ian: Instead of worrying for her, bask in the assumption that she’s embarrassed that you turned her down and that you know her new squeeze threw her out. She’ll deny it up and down, but she’s embarrassed as fuck. Guaranteed. And if you insist on continued contact, make sure you always get the amusing details of their relationship. I guarantee shit’s not good because if he’s tossing her out in the cold without her phone like that, it means she’s got herself a real dickhead, OR the guy is finding out what SHE is and is reacting accordingly. Either way, revel in their discord. But that’s only if you insist on keeping contact.

    Maybe I’m a bad person, but I quite enjoy watching assholes react to the taste of their own medicine.

    • Lastinline—-I really like what you have written here. The XBF successfully triangulated me with his ‘former’ girlfriend until one day when I finally had him right where I wanted him—–I wouldn’t let him come home and she wouldn’t keep him. I dare say I enjoyed watching the asshole react to the taste of his own SHIT…. 😉

      • Heh heh…

        He cheated with numerous (several dozen) women for almost two decades, UNPROTECTED, including during my pregnancies. He carried on with one of them, a former girlfriend, our entire relationship/marriage, another for a good 14 years and other various months long relationships, one night stands, etc.

        When they found out that I knew and had pics, emails, texts and other evidence, they ALL jumped ship. One of them offered to come clean and answer any questions I had and she sold him out top to bottom. Hotel names, the fact that they screwed at his dad’s house while his dad slept, dates, what they talked about, what he said and all that jazz.

        He had a loyal wife and great kids, and he threw it away just to bang women who ran like scalded puppy dogs the nanosecond shit got real.

  • Wow! Entitlement! My X told me that her “friend” was having a hard time hearing her on her old phone, so I spent a lot of time researching and picked out a new one for her – guess what she used it for? At least she didn’t ask me to take any pictures of her. She filed for divorce on our wedding anniversary also. Called me 3 months later crying, left voicemail; I never called back, just deleted the message.

    All these stories are so similar…

    • What’s with the divorce on the anniversary thing?! And they think *chumps* are bitter? WTF?

      • And the big holidays divorce final two days before Xmas. Good Xmas present being freed but it still made me sad.

        • They also like birthdays. My X shitbag had me served with divorce papers the day before my birthday – as I was walking out the door to go on a holiday to Australia (I thought process server was the airport driver). Needless to say, said holiday was spent making long distance phone calls to the US to an attorney and monitoring our bank account as he cleaned out half of our funds. Although X claimed to be living with a “buddy” from work, he moved in with his whore. He came to our home to pick up our dog to watch him while I was on vacation – the server arrived within 2 minutes of X. I was inconsolable – not that X tried to console me.

          • I should also add, that a minute before the server arrived, I handed fucktard a waiver of service. He could have told me not to answer the door. He didn’t because he wanted to see me hurt. I think that’s why they choose birthdays and anniversaries. They get off on the additional infliction of pain.

            Ian, sorry you are going through this, but you really do sound quite strong!

          • Cindy, that must have been dreadful. I’m so sorry. While the silver-lining to the cloud is, you got to see who he really, that’s just horrible. Standing there watching you be served? – knowing he was coming to the house anyway? Evil fucker – I hope the Karma bus mows him down then reverses right over his mangled corpse – and I hope, by some quirk of serendipity you get to watch that piece of karma being served.

            [[hugs]] x

            • Thanks Jayne. It was horrible, I cried all the way to Australia. So far, no karma bus for him. He married his pig OW and seems to be quite happy. I still believe that every dog will have his day though.

              • Yes. Eventually. I hope so. They are both cheaters who know they are both cheaters (if she wasn’t cheating on a spouse or SO, she still chose to fuck a married man) – she might even know she got a guy who would turn up to watch papers being served to a woman who had loved him, loved him so much she married him. (I say might because we all know about ‘cheater narrative’). They might think they are happy now, but the very second they hit a pothole on the road? The very second someone looks sparklier to one or the other of them? If that’s not happening already. ‘Seems’ can turn out very, very different from ‘actually is’, as sadly, so many of us have found out. x

              • Agreed, Jayne! With time, thankfully, it’s becoming easier for me to see stbx + concubine (my dad’s preferred term for stbx’s OW) as the train wreck they are, and laugh at the pride I imagine they have over the prizes they’ve one. I don’t know about the OW – I think she’s a little kooky. But I also get the impression she’s paranoid the way that cheaters tend to be (while I’m able to contact him, my stbx is weirdly committed to not letting me know his address where he and OW are shacked up), so I imagine that somewhere, even if they don’t recognize the source of the general malaise, they both sense the insecurity of a relationship based on their mutual infidelity. They each won a person willing not only to cheat on their spouse, but to abandon their marriage after spending just a few days getting to know each other’s genitals.

              • If it helps, I had my STBX serial cheater served after he arrived from OW’s country. I watched it happen and it was the day before our anniversary.

      • The judge granted me my divorce on what would have been my 22nd anniversary. Family court was only in session on Mondays/Tuesdays so he made a special effort to sign on a Thursday. My feelings about it? It’s a righteous date and says it all, that my POS Cheater ex is an entitled loser who thought nothing of me or our marriage and Why fuck up two days of the year!?!?

        • LOL…excellent thought!!! TEO & were together exactly 13 years- our divorce was final on the day we started together. 2-for-1 deal!!!

      • My STBX didn’t file on our anniversary–he, a few minutes after wishing me a happy anniversary, merely ordered (and paid with kids’ college funds) a prostitute to forget about things going down the tubes with his affair partner. So many levels of screwed up.

    • KB22,

      I wish. She took my dog to live with her and Fuckstick. She told me a couple weeks ago via email that I couldn’t have visitation because her boyfriend is “scared of me.” Maybe it’s because I told her my lawyer was going to depose him for our “fault” divorce?


      • That is worrisome, as these types are not known to go in for the long haul when it comes to pet care and they also would rather see the dog go to the pound rather than give it to a good home. What a shame.

        • Ian–Get it written into your decree that, should your X be unable to care for the dog, it must go to you. Poor pup.

  • Ian, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Her call for rescue probably ignited a little hope hat she still felt something, anything for you and the life she shared with you for 10 years. Your mind is still grappling with the shock of who you thought she was compared to who she really is. This incident reminds me of my ex telling me “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” followed by, “our marriage is not hopeless” after 31 years that kept me dancing pretty for him in the pick me dance. During this time his car broke down and he called me, furiously demanding that I pick him up. What I really wanted to say was “call a taxi asshole,” but I didn’t. I was afraid of his anger, I was still hoping he’d pick me. So anyway, good for you that you didn’t fall for her desperate plea for kibbles. Good for you! She is discovering that the consequences of her actions suck. It takes awhile to stop caring what happens to them, just stay no contact and eventually you’ll stop wondering what she’s up to. Hang in there Ian! A cheater-free peaceful life lies ahead. You can learn to love yourself more than she ever did.

  • 1. She left a 10 year relationship after chatting (3 weeks ) with some douche she met on a dating app.
    She has no loyalty and comes off as cold hearted as they get.

    2. You had recently moved to a new city and her way of adapting to her new surroundings was to go look for penis.
    My guess is that she has done this before but you were unaware of her very outgoing nature.

    3. She obviously didn’t pick prince charming since he threw her out in the middle of the night with no care for her welfare…I smell trouble in paradise.

    Ian she is not worth the shit under your shoe, she will be remorseful of what she lost but remember that she is a user and heartless. Hugs from someone who knows what u r going through!!!

  • My cheater had me served at work, on the eve of my 40th bday. I’m sure if my bd hadn’t of been on a Sunday, he’d of done that. I think these callous fucks take extra delight in doing these things on special days, since they inflict more damage on the chump.

    You’re lucky that you can go 100% NC. Utilize that & count your lucky stars you can be rid of the ho once the D is final.

  • I knew of a guy with 5 kids who would follow the OW from town to town, business to business. I bet this is no “new” sidefuck.

    Stay strong, Ian….

    • My thought too. Cheating ex made a lot of decisions professionally/personally to position his life around extra. I was just the clueless spouse. Ian, look really hard at what your marriage actually was. You probably loved her more, worked more at spending time together but she was Sparkley, evasive, a little aloof, and you probably always felt a little off balance…? In normal relationships I suspect this isn’t the status quo. Paying attention to your gut was the first thing you did right, dumping her the second and NOW going NO Contact will be your way to a brighter better future. You got this!

  • Ian you sound like a decent guy who for taken in by a selfish slut. I’m so sorry. It sucks like a Dyson.

    My 1st cheater called me at work on Valentine’s day to tell me he was leaving me.

    Fat Bastard (cheater #2) left a flash drive full of evidence of his cheating next to the computer knowing that I would look at it. I caught him twice before.

    Let her nasty cum dumpster ass freeze. FUCK her. She’s a whore.

    Fat Bastard used pictures I took of him on one of the casual sex dating sites he was on.

  • “The day before I had accompanied her to the salon while she got her hair done.”

    BTDT. After I discovered my cheating ex wife was telling me she was traveling here and there to see old friends while actually traveling to other destinations hooking up with dudes she met in the Net, I reviewed our American Express statements and figured out that she usually got her hair done, got waxed, etc., just before one of these “visits.” Time with me didn’t even rate a shower or a smile, but the affair partners always got Lights!-Camera!-Full Brazilian!

    As much as anything else, the moment of that (perhaps petty) realization forced me to understand that she really just didn’t care about me or what I thought. And in that end, that was liberating.

    • Nomar, these people aren’t real and are a waste of “our one precious life.” So glad we are free. (Even though it hurt….)

    • Looking back, I realized whenever my razor and shaving cream were discovered in the shower, she also had to make a trip to our neighboring city and go to a particular coffee shop. Razor and Receipts = Rendezvous.

      I too took hundreds of sexy photos of he, helped her shop, told her how hot she looked and how I wanted her, how much I loved her etc. Of course the photos end up being sent to the OM.

      Then during therapy, she tells the therapist how I never wanted her, how I never complimented her, how I wasn’t meeting her needs. So the therapist then thinks I’m some sort of aloof withdrawn husband. She’s fucking manipulating the therapist during therapy – the whole idea of therapy is to face issues honestly so we can grow and improve. F’ing b*****.

      • Facing issues with these people… They will always hand you a mirror and themselves a clear screen to see you. See- you’re their problem and you’re Your own problem. I should sell a kit like this on eBay as a gag gift to send to them once we have left and gotten to “I fucking hate you and your vapid self” and need to continue on to meh. All packages sent anonymously and random dates within 60 days of order so that betrayed spouse can’t be tied to it. Narc therapy in a box. 30 bucks, and equally effective to actual therapy for these assholes.

      • Buddy, I hope you sent her ass packing. I think they all try to shift the blame to us. They try to validate their decision by trying to make us out to be the horrible spouse. I even believe that they somehow convince themselves of the story that you are just a bad spouse. They are f***ed up. End of story.

  • Stay strong, Ian.

    CL is right: your wife hasn’t contacted you because you serve no immediate purpose to her (which, after all, is why you’re the chump and she’s the cheater — they are all about their immediate gratification, damn the long-term consequences.)

    My ex kept at me throughout the divorce, asking for another chance, providing excuses for her behavior, trying to engage in chit-chat over email, and even asking me to get a beer with her one day as we left the courthouse. All of them were plays for attention, and her best efforts to trick me into once again believing that she wasn’t who she actually was.

    Your wife is playing the pity card: pity he for her mistakes. But, she had the chance. When the affair was exposed, she could have said she wanted to stay with you. But instead she chose fuckstick. This says nothing about you and everything about her.

    Also, don’t even get into the idea that she didn’t want kids. My ex used that as an excuse as to why she cheated…while we were actively trying to get pregnant and after talking about having children for over a year. My ex also cheated with a man who already has a child, ostensibly because she realized she did want to have kids…just with her AP and “not with JC.” But that whole logic doesn’t jive with her asking for another chance several times during our divorce.

    The POINT is, like my ex, your wife was not at all considering whether she wanted kids with this guy or not, or with you or not, or whether this guy already had kids. She was only considering how he made her feel in the short term, damn the consequences. And now she gets to sleep in the bed she made.

  • Good work, Ian! You did the right thing by refusing to pick her up. If her life is so great, she can call one of her millions of other admirers to come pick her up. You helping her is a privilege she willingly lost when she made it clear how unimportant you are. In these early days when it’s particularly hard not to take the narc’s bait, you’ve done better than most of us! Celebrate it.

    One note from me: I’m so grateful for my wonderful child, but you’ve got to realize what a blessing it is to even have the LUXURY of being able to go no-contact with this beast. Those of us who have children with our serial cheater exes don’t have that choice. We have to see and speak to the people who stabbed us in the back, sometimes more than once a week. I can’t stress enough how much additional mindfuckery that exposes us to, even if we’re as “gray rock” as we can be under the circumstances. You don’t have to put up with any of that…you just literally decide at any time, “this is the last time I will ever see or speak to you.” AMAZING. I am super jealous of that and I hope you value it! Good luck with everything, and I’m glad you’re here with us instead of out there playing the pick-me dance.

    • Not to mention that these cretins also model horrible Narc behavior around those children we love. If I could move a thousand miles away from my Narc ex and his creepy OWife I would. Just to allow my kids to grow healthy boundaries and to have less crap drama in our lives.

    • I, too, have kids, with my abuser. As such, I get re-traumatized several times per week. Ten more years of exposure to go! Then, except for graduations and weddings, I plan to never see nor hear from my abuser ever again. As I will very likely need to work until I die, I hope that I only infrequently think of the position my now-STBX put me in as my friends and colleagues enjoy their retirement, perhaps even with loving spouses who stayed by their side for the long haul. I try not to be envious but I find it tough to do, having been shortchanged by someone who got away with crime.

  • >> “She asks me to come pick her up. Thanks to my Chump Nation training, I don’t go.”

    Ian, this put a huge grin on my face! You’re awesome. Stay strong—she sucks.

  • Her being cold is an understatement. She took him to help pick out a dress to impress her new match and had him take pictures as well.


    Why is he even taking her phone call other than to laugh in her face. If she had called me and told me she was out in the cold my response would have been similar to CL’s response. Seriously this guys (soon to be x-wife) has only one thing in mind and that is herself. She has no concept of what a relationship is and only knows what passion is and once the passion stops and reality settles in she will do the same to him.

  • Funny isn’t it what these people consider a fun night out, I bet an actual girls night out would be a bazillion times more fun than fucking some stranger and getting used.

  • Let her kick rocks Ian, bask in the karmatic glow that has befallen upon you. It’s beautiful to watch first hand!

  • Howdy Chumps,

    CL posting my letter made my day (week? year!?!)

    Can you guess what my first thought was???


    I’ll email MatchGirl a link to this site!

    No! No contact it is. Her (well-dressed) ass doesn’t deserve my attention.

    Y’all are mighty. And I’m glad you’re here for me.

    Some Tuesday soon we’ll all meet in Meh.

    • Nothing bothers a sociopath (and that’s what we’re talking about here) like being ignored. They feed off anger as much as adoration. It’s all kibbles. Starve her sorry ass of attention, and put that attention instead on yourself. Go have a fantastic life, alone or with people who are capable of honest, reciprocal relationships.

      • Preach, nomar, preach!!!! One thing that I do revel in/enjoy when I don’t respond to TEO’s messages/calls is that he spent all those nights AWOL withouth a word from him- no text/calls, no responses to my texts/calls— see how you like it now, asshole?!

        Stay NC Ian, you’re doing great!!!!

    • When did you figure out the plot? That isn’t really disclosed, I’m just curious when the feeling led to digging

  • As you can see it likewise made the day/week/year/decade for many of us. And there are alot of us that are green-eyed-envious of your Karma bus encounter! Might Ian you are!

  • I remember that first lovely time I realized I could tell my cheater pants ex that “it’s not my job anymore” to listen to him bitch about work, commiserate about his skanky friends, or otherwise fill any kind of emotional void. Asserting boundaries is powerful!

    In retrospect, the 18 months I spent doing the pick me dance and walking on emotional eggshells really damaged my self esteem. It wasn’t until a few months after D Day that my friends and coworkers pointed out how much more assertive and self possessed I was out of the relationship. At the time, I didn’t feel the difference. I look back now and can see the Stockholm Syndrome type conditioning.

    I’m proudly meh, and yes it was a Tuesday.

    I wish I had found CN and CL sooner (as in, when everything was going down) but this community has been extremely helpful processing the past and working to move forward with a healthier picker.

    Well done, Ian! With no kids and no excuse to have to deal with her crazy pants BS you’ll be able to evict her from your head in no time.
    Hope you got custody of the dog.


    Secondly, great job not picking her skank ass up… That is a HUGE success. She crossed the Rubicon, and tough shit about having no return via a chumpy spouse. I know it is hard, but treat her as if she were dead, and get the D done by virtue of only communicating via attorneys. I want you to know this is coming from a guy (wish we had a male/female sign next to our page name), and my ex was a real sick POS too.

    like you helping with the dress, my POS ex loved to stand over me while I booked her business trip hotel accommodations, knowing full well the other cheating POS would be there, getting rooms as close as possible… What a sick thrill she must have gotten. I even did the dress thing, giving her my opinion on certain clothing, the same clothing she would later sport for hook-ups. Mine even left open, on my end table a corporate newspaper on the very page where she was prominently featured with a photo, and her co-cheater was pictured on the same page! These sub-humans DO take pleasure in being sick, twisted liars, only concerned with what trips their switch.

    You are so lucky to not have had children with that ho; something I can’t say, and wish my ex would simply drop dead… Yep, she was that cruel from D-Day all the way until I received my D, and in fact, only got nastier and more of a liar as the proceedings went on… You will really see the true nature of these assemblages of garbage as the D process continues. Best of luck, and always be like like John Wayne toilet paper; don’t take any shit off of that bitch.

    • How about this, my ex had me buy the “nice” underwear he wore for his AP’s. This is one of those realizations I had years after D-Day that just made my mind stutter.

      • I’m sorry to hear this Kelly… Who would have ever thought, the sick perversions we would one day face? FWIW, my ex post D-Day discovered a new found love for Victoria Secrets goodies, (and 50 Shades of Gray) to pack away for hookups. Really, when cheaters are involved, I truly think there are no limits to how low they will stoop… They are sadistically mentally ill after all, with a wanton streak of evil added for good measure.

    • “always be like like John Wayne toilet paper; don’t take any shit off of that bitch.”


      Yes, sir!!! Exactly!!!!

  • Things I truly enjoy about Ian’s post

    – He stayed strong, way to be mighty
    – He used his CN training to understand what she was trying to do
    – His cheater’s karma bus arrived (I may be jealous here)

  • I LOVE the fact that her fuckbuddy tossed her out into the cold; few of us see such obvious payback so quickly. But as CL stated, she only called because she expected you to run to her rescue. You were of use at that moment. Since you wisely ignored her, she moved on to the next target. Undoubtedly, her fuckbuddy relented and let her back in eventually, but she’ll soon be out in the cold once more.

    Ian, since you have no children with her (thank God for that!), there is no reason not to block her on your phone entirely. She will never give you any closure, explanation or remorse, but it is extremely likely she will try to use you again when things aren’t going her way. Don’t give her that opportunity.

  • Well done Ian. Think of each day of no-contact as an investment in your much happier future!

  • Ian you say; ‘I know she’s physically safe and back with him, but the fact that we’ve been together 10 years and yet she can’t even text to let me know she is alive is mindfuckery to the Nth degree’.

    It was your punishment Ian. Take a moment for that to sink in.

    You had the audacity not to come running at the click of her fingers (as she was 100% sure you would) so, and I guarantee you this is how she thinks, she said ‘Well fuck Ian. Let him think I’ve been raped, battered and had my naked strategically wounded – so that I still look gorgeous – frozen body found by a nationwide search of deeply concerned citizens, alerted by my sobbing family who’d told the nation my husband (note the drop of ex) couldn’t even be bothered to help me when I called him begging, begging I tells you, for my life! … so fuck him very much’!

    And she really believed (knew)? it would bother you not to know if she was ok without your help, or not – because she knows you’re a decent human being who, I have no doubt, would have helped anyone else in the same predicament.

    You are awesome Ian. I love that you didn’t roll over for her. You mighty man you! 😀

    • +1, Jayne, spot-on analysis of that heartless drama queen! Go, Ian! Proud of you and I LOVE this karma bus story (because your refusal to play her game was part of that justice).

  • Seriously, Ian.. you sound like a really nice guy. Doing the dishes? Walking the dog? Helping around the house while she texts her fuckbuddy? Ian.. she’s a POS. I know this hurts like hell.. damn, I want to punch her in the nose for you.

    KUDOS for standing tall and not picking her sad sausage frozen ass up. Moved in with Mr. Fuckstick after a few romps and it didn’t go well? Oh, who would have THUNK it? You don’t have to be Rhodes Scholar to figure that wouldn’t work out.

    Karma indeed. The fact that she involved you in the dress buying, the hair and the PICTURE shows what a disordered idiot she is. Seriously, that’s sick.

    Karma bitch. And Ian.. on to Meh land. Lots of nice girls there, I promise.

    • When a woman is up front with potential lovers about being married, the only lovers she will ever get, by definition, are guys who are comfortable banging married women. When she filters all the decent guys out of her dating pool right off the top like that, how can things /possibly/ turn out well in the long run?

      [The alternative, of course, is hiding her marital status from her lovers. But then she gets dumped by the decent guys when they inevitably find out – hiding another boyfriend is hard but doable, but hiding a husband is literally impossible. So there’s really no long term win to cheating. If you’re unhappy in your marraige, get divorced, or at least honestly separated, /before/ you start dating. It works MUCH better!]

      • So true, HeatDeath! Stbx used to be so judgmental about a relative of his who had an affair with a married man…I can only assume now that he was projecting some sort of shame, or deflecting the fact that he’s actually totally cool with that as long as he’s the married man.

        I was very young when I met stbx, and I can also see now, in retrospect, that the seamless transition he’s good at from one relationship to the next probably means there was solid overlap in my relationship with him and the woman he was with before me. I didn’t see it, and I think any gut feeling I had I willingly suppressed. Now I’m suffering the consequences, I guess.

    • Thanks Lyn. Articles like this are very practical. I salute your kindness and effort!

  • First, great job on listening to your gut instinct! Plus, you immediately kicked her out. You’ve done the hardest part. Very few of us ever did that. Now listen to what everyone has said and go no-contact. She didn’t want to be married to you so let her suffer the consequences. Block her everywhere so you don’t have to know what’s going on with her life. She will use your chumpness against you if she can. I don’t have the luxury of no-contact because of kids. The majority of texts I have gotten are of the “poor me” variety about the financial consequences of her decisions. So they never stop asking for you to feel sorry for them. But they destroyed the marriage and now they need to accept the consequences that come with it. I have only responded to 1 of those text and told her that i wasn’t going to engage with her about how terrible she has it. That was really hard because I wanted to just unload on her. But you know she wouldn’t have even gotten it. So I just saved myself the misery of having to write it all out. You do the same. Cut her off and begin to heal. There is life after marring a slunt! You are a good person and in time you will see how awesome you are! I’m still just amazed at how fast you acted!

  • LOVE LOVE LOVE this one!! She sucks and got what she deserves!! Maybe someone could piss on her to warm her frozen ass!

  • I echo PucksMuse’s comments.

    Ian it has only been 2 months for you to start healing and putting your life into some semblance of order. You are doing great to have ended the relationship and learned to go ‘No Contact’. KEEP GOING.

    What sucks is that your EX is never going to say those magic words ‘I am sorry’. Never. Ever. Because, unless she wants something from you, she isn’t sorry. Stop looking to hear it. Harsh, I know, but it is true. In the first few years post DD#2 I thought that hearing those words – the acknowledgement even – would help me heal. Once it sunk it that he is never going to say it – I started to heal.

    We all advise you not to take any future bait. Your EX will be a trainwreck for a while, you just focus on your life now.

  • She didn’t update you because she wants you to come to her. End of story. Marsha Marsha Marsha

  • Ian – this woman is treating you with zero respect and playing you for an absolute fool. She will have sub zero respect for you if you even consider auditioning for the role of prize patsy while her fuck buddy gets to be romantic lead.
    Leave them to their drama and remove yourself while you still have a modicum of pride. There is little doubt that she will test you again before long on your willingness to be her saviour when her boyfriend is playing the bad guy. The story ends with the bad guy getting the girl here so for God sake let him keep her.
    Stay with us and stay strong….I once knew a woman who was going out dancing and picking up men while her soldier boyfriend minded her two kids. He was buying her a new lipstick in town one day and that same night she was out wearing it to entice new sex partners. He married her and they are now divorced. Just say NO.

  • I’m you, in an alternate universe where she got home at a reasonable hour, you found some suspicious but not directly damning texts, you forgave her unconditionally, and stayed married until she died a few years later and you only found out everything at that point.

    When someone you care about dies, a healthy grieving process occrus, where your mind gradually redirects emotional energy away from the now missing person, the intensity of the emotions you feel for the person gradually decrease until they’re indistinguishable from those associated with other memories, and you move on with your life.

    I’ve come to realize that the /entire purpose/ of “no contact” is to trick your hindbrain into thinking that the person is literally dead, so that the normal mechanisms for healthy grieving can kick in and move you to a place of reasonable emotional health.

    Someone posted to my Facebook the other day, regarding another relative who has passed away, “I wish Heaven had visiting hours.” I didn’t say this, but I wanted to respond “No you don’t. If even rare communication could occur with the dead, healthy grief would be impossible. We’d all become like the ancient Egyptians, consuming the rest of our lives and resources to build monuments to the deceased. Nobody would ever get over any death, ever.”

    When you break no contact, you totally sabotage the natural healing process your brain has for dealing with this sort of thing. You need to block her number.

    P.S. I’m glad you’re comfortable with the vasectomy. I can’t imagine /anything/ more literally emasculating in modern culture than reluctantly getting a vasectomy at the behest of a wife who turns out to be a serial cheater.

    • Really good point, Heat, about death and visiting hours. When someone dies, you have to go through a process of getting to a “new normal”. I don’t believe you ever “get over” certain deaths, but you learn to absorb your new life around the loss.

    • “P.S. I’m glad you’re comfortable with the vasectomy. I can’t imagine /anything/ more literally emasculating in modern culture than reluctantly getting a vasectomy at the behest of a wife who turns out to be a serial cheater.”

      Um, yeah. The thought of that just sucked.

  • Ian

    It’s a sad story regardless of the karma. We think we have a loving spouse and we make life plans. You had a vasectomy thinking you were with the one. You are dragged into the finally helping her groom herself for the fuckoff. How very sick these sociopaths are to add insult to injury. The limited was also picking out clothes and underwear weeks before DDay and asking for my opinion. He actually modeled the Calvin boxers and asked if he should shave his arms. It really hurts to know they have no self respect or one ounce of love for the person who loved them for years. It hurts like hell to know there are cold heartless people in the world and shocking to think you wasted years with someone selfish and cold.
    Disordered people behave this way.
    I’m sorry for the pain and greiving you will have to endure. It sucks big time. We get to gain an authentic life. You deserve this.

  • Ian, we may be kindred chumps. Our stories are very similar, from the online hookups, to the shopping approval experience, to staying out all night. She actually had the nerve to tell me she was visiting her grandmother with her mom. Suffice it to say that when she didn’t come home, I phoned her mom and found out that her story was completely false, though she still tried to lie about it after. This was on our anniversary. Furthermore, I found out afterwards that she had ordered a bounty of sextoys online and had them shipped to his place, and they were quite ironically toys that WE HAD, which she did not want to use with me!!!

    After I stopped doing the pick-me dance, she texted me a few months later re: karma and something about being in the hospital. To this day I don’t know what actually happened to her, because I refuse/d to communicate back. I think she wanted my pity and somehow [in her twisted mind] ‘karmic retribution’ would have negated her shitty, heartless behavior. Regardless of whatever happened to her, which I’m sure she did deserve, it doesn’t make up for anything in my books; she still has to live with the knowledge of what she did. That was over a year ago, and I’m happy to report that I have been enjoying a meaningful life WITHOUT that chronic bitch-faced narc!

    • Oh, and I forgot to mention that she had already met up with this potbellied hipster douche bag previously on (you guessed it) A GIRLS NIGHT. Of course being the predictable and trusting chump that I am, I encouraged her to go spend time with her friends/co-workers. As a result of all this, my attachment style has shifted from secure to preoccupied/anxious. But I’m working on that with both my therapist and an amazing lady in my life, who is the exact polar opposite of my ex. There is hope for us!

      • I am so glad people are becoming more aware of attachment styles. It truly is the foundation for all relationships. Sadly, childhood trauma (such as parental divorce, parents with mental health issues, family dysfunction a.k.a. cheating, lying parents) affects attachment in ways that may not be discernable for many years into the future. Sucks for our children who may end up with a chronic disease in middle age because one of their parents decided he/she needed more fuck buddies. Thanks Dad/Mom!

  • Ian,
    Sorry to here that you were married to such a person. Taking pics of her and getting her to help her buy clothes for the affair are all very disordered. My ex was similar. I didn’t realise it at the time but she’d been asking my advice about people in her workplace who were having relationship problems and what they could do. Later it dawned on me that she was actually asking questions about her and her affair partner’s relationship. Dating advice from your chump!
    Glad you got a karma moment. It doesn’t make up for what happened but it’s nice to see a little justice. Not long after my ex moved into the house behind me (so fucked up!) she had her driver’s side door taken off her car when she opened it without looking (she is a terrible driver). So I had the pleasure of driving past her every morning on my way to work while she stood forlornly in front her house waiting for a lift from a co worker. It was a small justice.
    Stay no contact and don’t waste your energy trying to understand her. It gets better in time!

  • Why? Why am I seeming to be the only person who thinks no contact is not that great? I think that now that I’m in ‘hate’ mode, I’d like to contact him all over the place and get it all off my chest. I never did before because I was in the ‘fog’…..thanks to CL & CN…… more fog and I’d like to go nuts on him. Yes, I know he won’t give 2 shits, never has, but it’ll make me feel sooooooooo good! Seriously, it will.

    • IHaveHate,

      Full disclosure? I’ve spent the last two months on-and-off hammering her until the night in question. They broke me of any desire to expose myself. Note, everything I said was carefully crafted. Always written with “how will the court see this.” So, for example, no threats, no bunny boiling stuff, and no quarter!

      In retrospect, it was all for me. She didn’t give a rat’s ass.

      Why did I do it? Why do you want to? At first I wanted to hurt her. Then I wanted attention, then I wanted her to hear “my side.” Now I realize I could have sent it into nowhere for all the good it did.

      We are getting divorced. That is inevitable. I wouldn’t take her back NO MATTER WHAT.

      My unsolicited advice? Get the divorce decree. Then have at it if you want. But don’t expect it to change anything. And if you want her/him back, change your mind. TRUST SHE SUCKS.

      You deserve better.

    • I Have Hate,
      Picking at your wound can potentially lead to a infection. We are already wounded and traumatized. Picking and picking never lets the wound scab or create scar tissue to heal. You could also infect yourself with a staph infection.

      All of these crappy analogies refer to our own healing from emotional abuse. Creating contact with your abuser only prolongs your involvement with them and permits the abuse to continue. Work on stopping the consuming thoughts you have towards your abuser. Your energy deservedly needs to be on you and those dependent on you. Do not waste your life continuing to think of the asshole.

      With that preaching, I completely understand how you feel. If I learned Asshat died of throat cancer, prostate cancer, his dick rotted and fell off, his plane crashed or whatever – I would be overjoyed. I can.not.let.myself.think.of.him.AT.ALL. It just keeps his crappy self in the forefront of my life when he has no place in my life other than to support his kids. I am the leader of my life. My thoughts are dedicated to me and my kids.

    • Well, all I can say is that from my experience I did go through a few weeks in spring of 2014 where I contacted my ex and the OW repeatedly in a frenzy of madness and then – thanks of advice from CL – managed to get myself together, stop and go no contact. Seriously, don’t do it. It might give you an immediate sense of relief but in the long term it does you no good at all. I realise now that if I hadn’t stopped they could have got the law involved and that would have left me feeling totally humiliated. As it is I know there are all these crazy emails out there that he could use against me if he wanted to. No contact was the best thing I did to help myself. I don’t beat myself up for having lost my marbles back then – what they did to me was obscene and I was seriously ill at the time with cancer. But all the same, if I could go back and change one thing is would be that I would have just gone no contact from the start.

      • M,

        I’m not sure if you have written your story like I did to Chump Lady, but you should. Your experience with indulging in angry communication with ex and OW could prove invaluable to us chumps. Seriously, go to the top of this page. Click “Contact” and tell a part of your story. You have strength and wisdom. Thank you.

        The comment above is so insightful and helpful. You had to go through this and fight cancer? Ugh. Cheaters are the worst. THE WORST! Thanks for your bravery

        “…if I could go back and change one thing it would be that I would have just gone no contact from the start.”

    • Sometimes he steps on a land mine and I blow up on it. I always feel great after it. Put the crap where it belongs.

  • Ian.. Stay no contact …. Get to “meh”. I think you mentioned in your letter ” that you walked the dog, did the dishes and laundry”. Oh Ian, I promise, there are women out there that will appreciate that and you. Get divorced, get to “meh” and meet a fellow “chump” and live happily ever after.

  • I don’t think,your stbx as kicked out into the cold. I’m not buying that for a second. I think she wanted to play you and have some fun at your expense.

  • Well, while we Chumps would like to think our cheaters would think enough of us to let us know they’re still alive, it’s giving them too much credit. I mean, Ian this is the chick who had you helping her get ready for her date! She ‘just snapped’? Oh, noooo she did not.
    Kudos for leaving her ass stranded. Here’s hoping you get to Meh soon.
    Not giving a shit whether my ex lives or dies or wallows in the mud all day is awesome.

    • I wish my ex would die. I hate his guts, and I am not talking about the “hate” that is related to love, like some people seem to believe in. I mean true hate, I wish I’d never met that loser. I wish when he decided he wanted to fuck some random whore he had gone on out of my life and I never had to look at his ugly balding ass ever again. That kind of hate. Revulsion. Disgust. And any other bad things i can’t think of right now. Fucking prick.

      • Anita…….I agree!! I’ve said the same things as you……wish he would die……BUT, that’s letting them off waaaay too easy! A breathing lifetime of suffering seems much better for them!
        But really, I do feel this and then I do the back and forth thing of GOD is not gonna look kindly on the way I talk/think. It really is a giant yo-yo, back and forth. I’m trying not to have such horrendous hatred but it’s sooo hard to let it go.
        And yes, absolutely nothing to do with ‘loving’ him. That was long ago when I thought he was someone else and then proved very wrong.
        Seriously, if someone said, I will give you a billion bucks to take him back or go back. I’d say I’d live in the streets first! I finally have my best interest back! FUCK THAT MOTHER FUCKER!!!
        This hate really is overwhelming at times.

        • That whole “hate is a cover for love” bullshit is a holdover from Freudian psych–many emotions must be a cover for a different emotion that is too painful to deal with, so emotion 2 (hate) is really a defense mechanism because you’re feeling emotion 1 (love). Complete hogwash. For example, I can hate people/things (Hitler, Boko Haram) that I have never loved, nor will ever love. Hate is hate. And sometimes it is justified, when the effects of a person’s actions continue to influence your life (as I know is the case with you IHH). Hatred of evil and evil people is a smart response, IMHO.

        • IHaveHate, I understand your struggle because I have it myself. That said, there is a world of difference between an Action and a Reaction. If you hate someone for no good reason, that is an Action. If you hate them because they Did Something Horrible to you, that is a Reaction. It’s justified. You didn’t start that shit, they did. Also, I’m not convinced it’s a sin to hate, but adultery certainly is. Plus, there really is no justice for chumps these days. Adulterers are glorified. So if the worst I do is hate that loser and his whore, I’ll take my chances with the consequences.

  • Good for you, Ian. You’re doing great!!! You are on the way to MEH!!!

    Keep on rockin’ and rollin’!!!

  • Being able to ignore her bogus cry for help, at only 2 months out, is all kinds of mighty. Way to go, Ian! Now I hope you go and stay NC. It really is the saving grace in all this.

    CL, your line about ShiveryLittleMatchGirl87 — Out in the Cold But Hot 4 U! – priceless.

  • You are so lucky to have found out so quickly. It took me a year to discover it. And then another year to confirm that he didn’t dump the bitch, but was still continuing it. Two full years of my life in deceit, betrayal, and the resulting depression. That’s not even counting any time recovering from the trauma after it all. Years. You are lucky.

  • Had to share this resource with CN:
    I stumbled across an e-book a couple days ago about how to go No Contact with someone. Found it on Amazon and it had good reviews. The gold, for me, in this book is in the section entitled, “Sacred Self vs Ego,” describing how a Narcissist thinks/behaves versus how an Empathic person (i.e. loving. chumpy types) would respond in the same situation. Excerpt:

    “We treat people with respect because we believe they are inherently worthy of it. Narcissists treat those close to them with disrespect. They only act respectful towards “outsiders” as a way of maintaining their image.

    We like to help people feel good about themselves and we feel relief when a conflict has been resolved. Narcissists like to put people down and are always looking for a fight, even if only to distract themselves from the emptiness and unhappiness of their own lives by giving them a dubious sense of superiority.

    We take responsibility when we’ve made a mistake. Narcissists blame everyone else for the problems they run into.

    We find satisfaction in being honest and compassionate. Narcissists delight in being cunning and manipulative (since it flatters their ego with a sense of superiority when they can take advantage of another person). ”

    I felt the light bulb come on .. found the missing piece to the puzzle as to why I failed to make things work with toxic/sociopathic narcissistic personalities (family/friends/ex’s). Their thinking is worlds (galaxies) apart from mine and yet I was attempting solutions that could only work with people who actually CARED about others, d’oh!

    The ebook by Kim Saeed (a survivor of narcissistic abuse) is: How To Do No Contact Like A Boss! The Woman’s Guide to Implementing No Contact & Detaching from Toxic Relationships. (Guys, don’t let the title deter you. The author has coached men too, and the material is relevant to most of us here on CN.) The book is much more than just about going No Contact. She knows what it’s like to leave a toxic person you still feel love for. Her explanations will help shore up the resolve to get away from him/her.

    The ebook is $3.99 (a bargain). I think it’s a great companion to Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” (thanks, CN, for recommending this book).

    I’ve learned so much on this site and am feeling clearer, stronger each day. xo

    • Thanks for this…I am having a hard time seeing my cheater x in a new relationship with someone who is not the OW. I could hate OW and wish them to be run over by the Karma Bus, but I feel this new woman has no clue on who he really is and is in the love bombing spackling fase that could last years until she is hooked like me and cheater´s first wife ..I suddenly became obsessed in thinking that maybe he is Mr. Wonderful again and I trained him to be even better than when I first met him. So she will get the best of him and he will never cheat again….But your note and reference (and CN) helped me to remember that these people never change..they move on to new victims but continue being their miserable selves until they die. Thank you!

      • Dear Chumpita,
        I’m glad I’m able to contribute back to the ChumpLady site, after all that I’ve gained from the wisdom and stories here.

        Several times, I’ve been targeted by very secretive, two-faced, pathological liars and users (my vulnerability set up by early childhood FOO craziness). I need to learn to recognize when I’m being pursued by these fuckheads. (Kim Saeed mentions how narcissists choose their (next) victims in a deliberate and calculating way. I have proof this is what they really do. They also troll websites like this one and read books about themselves, surely to up their game. Beware.)

        I do not have any OW’s to hate because I am certain the other gals never knew I existed. All that hiding, lies, a charming outward appearance and piling on the “romance” keeps those nice, unsuspecting women in the dark.

        Those disordered ex’s (yours and mine) are angst-ridden, angry, paranoid, miserable frauds – but now I only feel sorry for their unsuspecting victims (and pray they will figure it out quickly and leave). I’m just pissed that I wasted so many years of my life dealing with all their bullshit.

        Even if your ex might be happy (not really) that he’s fooled his way into a relationship with a good woman, he’s still the same person inside .. and no one with clear eyes and self-respect would ever want to be with him. Know this with all your heart.

        Love yourself well and resolve to not let the rest of your life be unhappy. We deserve way, way better. ((hugs))

  • These cheaters who involve their unwitting chumps in their activities – taking pictures, buying underwear – I have to imagine these are the same kinds of people that, if they were serial rapists or murderers, would take jewelry or clothing off their victims and “gift” them to their spouses.

  • Hi Ian,

    You are doing well, yes you are asking for advice , because she is playing games with you. You still care and like all victims of cheating/ abuse, you live in hope.

    Stay No Contact . She will keep turning to you because she had done so many times . As you love her and try and help her/ fix situations that she has got herself into .

    You are no longer in a relationship with this evil twisted bitch . You can not help / fix her problems / be there for her.

    She did not give a second thought to you when she did what she did , she made a series of calculated and devious choices .

    She will be back , she will try different ways , it’s all a game to her . Do not let this stop you from moving forward. Having contact with her will hinder your recovery . Change your number if you can.

    concentrate on you, start looking after your own needs. Do not think of hers , she really isn’t worth it . Someone will love and cherish you and not treat you as she had done . Keep up the NC. Stay strong and keep reading CL. I’m still NC, this site has helped immensely .

  • Ian:

    Any psychologist will tell you that the reason she did not call you to let you know she was okay is that you are no longer useful to her.

    She likely has NPD and that is what NPD folk do, when someone is not deemed useful. They devalue and discard that person.

    My guess, too, is this was not her first rodeo. Only the first you found out about.

    Should you stay together. Only if you believe that she can change and you two can make each other happy again.

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