Chump Lady Answers Her Google Search Term Queries

Google-SearchI have a perverse interest in Google analytics. I’m always curious to see how people wash up on the shores of Chump Lady. Just what exactly did you Google to find me?

The site has pretty awesome SEO (search engine optimization, for the less geeky among you). Google most infidelity terms and I’m often on the first page.

But some people must use Google like their own personal Magic 8 ball. “When is he coming back?” “Why won’t she speak to me?” Google as life oracle.

So today I thought I would answer my search term questions. Not fully formed or perhaps just succinct, hey, they deserve an answer too, right?

If a guy lies do you give him another chance

Depends on what he lied about. Does my ass look fat in these jeans? “No honey, you have the lithe hips of a sylvan goddess.” I’d let that one pass. But if he lies habitually, if he lies reflexively about small things, if you catch him in a giant whopper — these are indications of his character. And no, I probably would not give him another chance. Because you said GUY, not husband — and you aren’t that invested now, and do you really want to shackle yourself to a person with lousy character for a lifetime? Cut your losses.

misogynist NPD husband

Misogynist? NPD? Why isn’t he your EX-husband?

what happens to the narcissist after divorce?

They dissolve into mist, get absorbed into topsoil, fertilize the grass, are eaten by cows, and expelled as the flatulence contributing to global warming.

No. I wish. No really, they stay narcissistic. And if they have children with you, they’ll probably keep trying to torture you with their bullshit as long as they can. If you don’t have children with a narcissist, then stop wondering what happens to them and count your blessings that they’re gone.

narcissist says he misses me

I’m sure he does. All kibbles are good kibbles. Stop being kibbles.

bf loves me but won’t commit says I’m a time bomb

People who love you don’t call you “time bomb.” Dump him.

cheating husband always crying

Poor sausage. Kleenex, visine, and then — no contact. Much harder to hear his crying when he’s somewhere else.

should I ask husband for proof that he ended emotional affair

As opposed to what? Just taking his word for it? That it was only emotional? That it ended? Google “key logger” and “voice activated recorder.”

would you forgive your wife if she was a sex addict in the past?

By sex addict do you mean cheater? Or do you mean someone who was very promiscuous before they met you? If she’s copping to “sex addiction” (a made-up affliction according to many mental health professionals), I’m guessing she means “serial cheater” (the less PC term for it). It’s fine if you want to forgive her. I just wouldn’t stay married to her.

girls are cheating pieces of shit

No, cheaters are pieces of shit. No gender has the market cornered on being a piece of shit. Stop being bitter. It’s an unfortunate stage to distrust the entire other gender after you’ve been chumped — move through it quickly please.

your capacity to trust when you grow up in the aftermath of your fathers affair because when you were a child and your mother never got over it because your parents never dealt with the pain from the afair so it was taken out on the kids.

Wow. Thank you for the public service reminder not to stay together for the kids.

trust a traveling cheater

No. Change the locks.

what do you call a person that thinks everyone has to abide by him

God? Sir? Don’t call this person.

skinny hollom hooker cream when fucking a huge monster cock

Uh. I think you have the wrong site. I can’t help you with your “hollom” kink, whatever that is.

not guilty for making mistress pregnant

Paternity test? But just a hunch… I think you’re guilty.

my husband made his prostitute power of attorney

Just wow. I’m sorry.

gaslighting is the dumbest thing ever just retarded stupidity

I totally agree with you.

wife says I love you but I’m not in love with you

She’s cheating. Welcome to Chump Lady. Glad you found us.

This column ran previously. Feel free to comment!

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ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
8 years ago

Google landed me on Daily Strength’s infidelity forum, where I met some great ladies & a few guys. Chump Lady came up many times there…so in a round about way google led here.

Reformednumpty
Reformednumpty
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

I googled about narcissists as I wanted to understand why my “partner” could spend £300 plus each night at the bar while on tour but couldn’t pay his bills. I later found out he was trying to impress his new squeeze. Everything I gleen here is golden. Thank you CL & CN

kaycan
kaycan
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

Google found me Daily Strength’s Divorce forum, which led me to Baggage Reclaim, which led me to Chump Lady, about a year ago. I knew immediately that THIS was where I belonged!

lostntx
lostntx
8 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

I also got here through the daily strength divorce forum. I don’t visit there anymore because I have limited time to be on the net. So, I choose CL and CN as my infidelity and divorce support home. I like the straight forward no bs kind of advice anyway.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

I too found Daily Strength. I concentrated most of my time in the “Wives of Alcoholics” forum. But eventually went to the infidelity forum (amongst a few others). I honestly don’t know how I came to Chump Lady. Probably by googling the statistics of alcoholics who cheat on their wives…..

paigeup
paigeup
8 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

I read about chumplady in the Buffalo News

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

I came here through daily strength’s infidelity forum too. Someone posted an article link from her site back in 2013 and I was hooked from day one.

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
8 years ago

I googled “Do serial cheaters change” and it brought me to Chump Lady. Best.day.of.my.life.ever. Oh, and the answer is … nope.

Happy Hausfrau
Happy Hausfrau
8 years ago

Ha!!! Good way to start my day. Love ya, CL.

spaghettisam
spaghettisam
8 years ago
Reply to  Happy Hausfrau

I love your blog. You are what (who?) led me here. I found your blog after my husband cheated on me with his cousin. Again. That led me here. I had heard of Chump Lady my first go round when it was supposedly only an EA but at the time I was sticking to reconciliation blogs and most of them judged her as way too harsh so I stayed away. Big mistake!

BTW for whatever reason, I have not yet figured out how to leave a comment on your blog as anything other than anonymous. I’m the one who gave you the burning building analogy the other day and also regaled you with the comment about all the Jesus cheaters.

2kids2love
2kids2love
8 years ago
Reply to  Happy Hausfrau

Was not aware of your blog. Am intrigued. Click on your name. Haven’t read the whole 1/21 blog yet, but you had me at Dorothy Parker and Danke. Already, you’re speaking my language!

Happy Hausfrau
Happy Hausfrau
8 years ago
Reply to  2kids2love

Ahhh, yes. Dorothy is my dream dinner date. Thanks for stopping by, and I totally understand if you can’t make eye contact with me later. Oversharing is a weakness…

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago
Reply to  Happy Hausfrau

Love the HH blog too! Although every time I read what a schmuck her ex is-not spending any time with his kids and not supporting them financially- I so want to seek him out and punch him right in the balls! Thank God for the 1,500 mile or so separation!

Happy Hausfrau
Happy Hausfrau
8 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Oh cheaterssuck! Thank you so much. He only lives about 2 miles from us, the urge to kick balls is a hard one to resist 😉 His loss, though.

Strad
Strad
8 years ago
Reply to  Happy Hausfrau

CL and HH, the Dynamic Duo of infidelity recovery!

Happy Hausfrau
Happy Hausfrau
8 years ago
Reply to  Strad

Oh man. I’d LOVE to be CL’s sidekick! All day long. LOL!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Strad

+ Infidelity Help Group (a triumvirate!)

kaycan
kaycan
8 years ago
Reply to  Happy Hausfrau

Chump Lady led me to your blog, which I also love! 🙂

Happy Hausfrau
Happy Hausfrau
8 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

Thank you, kaycan 🙂

uneffingbelievable
uneffingbelievable
8 years ago

I got here while reading another sappy blog of a betrayed spouse in the middle of reconcilliation. Someone mentioned CL saying she was too harsh. Harsh was the word I was looking for and – BAM! I found the only place where people talked real shit. Thank you, CL, for telling it straight.

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
8 years ago

That’s exactly what got me here too.
For some reason, I never thought of googling the word infidelity. I kept googling “BETRAYED” – which led me to that sappy blog, that got me nowhere.

Luv you Chump Lady.

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
8 years ago

That’s exactly how I got here, too.

Lisa Hart
Lisa Hart
8 years ago
Reply to  CRHCHK

From a site that was sappy and what I didn’t need.for me there was no taking him back. Someone on that site said something about Chump Lady. Checked it out and love the straight talk
I have moved forward. My kids after 4 years understand what kibbles are. Thank you Chump Lady!!!

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
8 years ago
Reply to  CRHCHK

Google led me here at DDay 1.5 in November 2012. Never left!

Mehphista
Mehphista
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in Seattle

Same here, SiS…..long strange trip, huh?

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
8 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

Ugh. Worst trip ever, Mephista! Like a long walk through the Nine Circles of Hell! I’m still in the fifth – anger!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in Seattle

Does that put our cheaters in Circle 2 (Lust) or 9 (Treachery)?

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Definitely 9!

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
8 years ago
Reply to  CRHCHK

Long live Chump Lady!

Anita
Anita
8 years ago

I actually found CL through a mention, in the comments, on a RIC site. I knew there had to be something better. It’s so sad to read people saying “WHYYYY can’t I get him to stop seeing the whore????” Guilty as charged myself. When I read CL and the Cake theory, it all finally made sense. He kept seeing the whore cause he could. I would pitch a bitch (cake), he would get defensive and nasty (cake), I would forgive him and he would get laid or a bj (CAKE!!!!!). Lather, rinse, repeat, ad nauseum. This would have went on till the day I died cause he didn’t really want her, just the fucking cake. If it weren’t this nasty whore, it would be a different replacement nasty whore. Once you realize that, it’s all you need to know.

fbi
fbi
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Anita you hiit the nail on the head!! It s true they don’t care about the whores, it’s all about the fuckfest and their cocks! The girlfriend and wives pose as a nice clean facade for their families and friends, but for a cheater one woman is never enough, that’s boring! They need stimulation, the thrill of the conquest, a new slut in bed, while you unknowingly are baking cookies and folding his socks. My ex actually thought this made him more of a man and did not understand why I “complained” since he was a good provider and bought me nice stuff. In his warped mind it was a fair trade: Extra-curricular pussy for bling and designer purses…such a charmer! lol

Current Chump
Current Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  fbi

Ugh FBI-THIS!
iPorn Cheater McGee gave me jewelry, designer purses, and more monetary things because he couldn’t give of himself and he thought it made him look good to other people. He had saved giving himself for his pay for play whores instead of his me-his faithful, loving, stbx-wife…..and he saw absolutely nothing wrong with it although he never disclosed to me prior to marriage that is what he wanted. He really thought I was an ungrateful wife appliance because he was a good provider of material things. How dare I want love & sex from my husband and expect him to be faithful.
I guess he had mentally checked out or had selective hearing during the wedding ceremony for the “forsaking all others” part.
Wow, just wow. What a disordered wingnut-glad I’m free of that ‘theater of drama’ now.

fbi
fbi
8 years ago
Reply to  Current Chump

Current chump, it’s so strange all this ugliness, the more years go by the less things make sense? If there were little people of this mind frame it would be one thing but it seems this world is littered with people of such little integrity. So weird that some assholes out there think that love can be bought!

Current Chump
Current Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  fbi

I know FBI-its terrible how little integrity is out there in the world. I married an “pod” or image of a good man who in reality couldn’t be loving, have sex with me OR be faithful as soon as we were married. I actually see the situation and him now as pathetic.

He was such a good actor at the start until we married……..If I would have known the type of marriage he REALLY wanted, I would have put on my running shoes & never looked back.
I am an extremely liberal person-if stbx or any other man wanted to pursue all his sleazy exploits he should NEVER have been trying to have a monogamous relationship with anyone let alone get married! Have the guts to be honest and go let your freak flag fly as a single man you jackass.

FBI-I really have no interest in dating-And the unwanted education I got from stbx about porn, craigslist, and massage parlors make me not want to trust any man out there. Here in So. Cal I swear there are massage parlor places in almost every shopping center and strip mall. I’m so disgusted. There would not be so many of these places if that type of business wasn’t in demand.

And yet I have to find a way to make sure my sweet son grows up to 100% different from his cheater, whoring, scumbag dad.

Sigh…………

Chumptacular
Chumptacular
8 years ago
Reply to  Current Chump

They want to be married so that someone else will support them financially when they decide they no longer want to work, and when they are no longer earning a paycheck, they need someone (the chump) to provide them with a car to chase the sexy, exciting whores that REALLY turn them on because who wants to troll for strange on foot? The image of being the faithful husband to the faithful chump looks good to the community, much better than the image of a perverted serial cheater. The chump also serves as a sexual back-up when the whores are unavailable.

HopeAndGloria
HopeAndGloria
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptacular

Aaaand many cheaters want to remain married so that there’s an in-built excuse for them to dump their APs whenever they’re done, like so many discarded crusty tissues.

Current Chump
Current Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptacular

*who wants to troll for strange on foot?* ROFLMAO!!!!

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Exactly Anita! Oh how I wished I had found this blog in the beginning, I gave him CAKE for ONE WHOLE YEAR. I wanted him to leave, or stop NC with the WHORE, and he kept telling me when I would question him about our future or about her – and his answer? “I’m still here aren’t I?” Had I understood the theory of CAKE at that time, It would of been so much different. One year hell for me – One Year of Cake for him!

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  MightyAgain

Mighty Again, I agree, Cake is the absolute essential key you don’t get anywhere else. And guess what, the Whores are powered by Cake too. They are sexy! Hot! Desirable! The Bomb, Jerry! No, you are actually just a middle aged, low rent easy whore. How do I know that? By the fact that you date/screw married men.

The only interest I have in the Other Woman is that they are usually the Major Tool cheaters use to keep you in line. You better (insert whatever they want you to do, ie, lose weight, give me non reciprocal sex, clean the house, let me do whatever the fuck I want!) Cause if you don’t I’ll call/text/screw/leave you for her! They don’t want to go anywhere, but your logical mind tells you they would want you or her, not both. But the real truth is they don’t give a shit about either of you.

ChumpedAussie
ChumpedAussie
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

OMG Yes! If I dared stand up to him, the harder he punished me, the more shit sandwiches I ate! I kicked him out in June straight into the arms of the whore and I’ve never been happier and I don’t give a fuck whether he’s happy or not!

carmella1722
carmella1722
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

“The only interest I have in the Other Woman is that they are usually the Major Tool cheaters use to keep you in line. You better (insert whatever they want you to do, ie, lose weight, give me non reciprocal sex, clean the house, let me do whatever the fuck I want!) Cause if you don’t I’ll call/text/screw/leave you for her! They don’t want to go anywhere, but your logical mind tells you they would want you or her, not both. But the real truth is they don’t give a shit about either of you.”

^^THIS!!!!

Tracy
Tracy
8 years ago

I typed in something like husband cheating with a whore…..Whore was definitely in the word search. Because only here….in CN was it acceptable to call her a WHORE…. and him the lying cheating bastard that he is. Truth led me here….and led me to lead others here.
Never to be chumped again.

Btw….my daughters new love interest is live bombing her…. I want to gag….she said to me…”Quit reading the Chump Lady, not every guy is like Dad”….
Ummmm no….no they arent….but I can track those love bombing bastards 50 miles out.

I feel real bad for any guy who even thinks they are pulling one over on her or me…

happily never after
happily never after
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Tracy-I am sad for your daughter. I await the day my adult son and daughter realize what a bag o sh*t X is.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Anita, that is horrendous! Thank goodness you are here!

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

On the RIC sites, the whores are as welcome as anybody else. Ughhhh. They get in there telling people “I’m special, I understand your husband, he loves me, we are soulmates, I’m the best sex ever, blah, blah, blah.”. And you can’t even call them a whore, cause they are “wayward”, too.

MovingOn
MovingOn
8 years ago

I think I heard about CL right when she launched from someone on another infidelity site. This is the only blog I have ever bothered to follow on a daily basis because it has been such a huge help to me. Even though my D-Day and divorce are now years behind me, I still need to come back to this support group because my ex and the Owife are horrible people that are still in my life because of the kids. This site reminds me that there isn’t any point in trying to reason with crazy. I stay strictly NC with the ex except for brief, business-like emails that are unavoidable because of the kids, and I have never once spoken or written a word to her. It’s also nice to not feel like I’m alone in dealing with these losers. As ever, thank you CL and CN.

movin_on
movin_on
8 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

Interesting, MO. I, too, have little to say to my ex’s new piece (I don’t know if she was an OW or not, but she moved in with him a month after being introduced to my school-age son. No regard for my son’s feelings on the matter. Don’t respect her.). I have a “frienemy” who brings this up every time we talk, since she laid down the law with HER ex’s new piece and I didn’t. How do you answer people who give you crap about not speaking to the person who spends time with your child/ren? Since this ‘friend’ has been through it, I always feel like she’s lording it over me like she handled it better than I did (and she actually says stuff like “you’re crazy for not setting this chick straight on who your son’s mom is and what her role is.”)

Hopefully you (or someone in CN) has a direct response to shut her up once and for all (and I hardly talk to her anymore, but when I do, I’d like to shut her down for good on this topic).

Oh, I found CL through the Sisterhood of Support (for partners of sex addicts. I had a hard time believing in SA and now I am firmly convinced there is no such thing). The lovely Bev recommended Chump Lady and I never looked back. This site saved me.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

movin_on–tell the beeyatch that your son knows who his mamma is, and that’s all that matters.

Drew
Drew
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, like this! Damn…Straight! “My son knows WHO his MAMMA is!” (He doesn’t however know WHO the fuck his DADDA is, cause that chameleon BOUNCED.)

GetAClue
GetAClue
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

Movin on, maybe I’m rude but I would tell someone that overbearing person, “I didn’t ask your opinion, thanks.” But maybe she would take the hint if you blatantly change the topic to something completely unrelated. Or just say, “I have to go NOW.” You don’t owe this person anything, really. Actually, why talk to her at all if she’s not respecting what you’re going through?

Daisy
Daisy
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

I too found my way here via S.O.S. For the record, the vast majority of us on S.O.S. don’t believe in sex addiction either (or unicorns) but continue to use the term because of that whole Google search term thing – that’s what partners of serial cheaters tend to search for. We always send the hopium smoking newbies here to CL and CN for some straight talk. And Bev is da bomb! Love that girl!! 🙂

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

Same here, found it through Sisterhood of Support. I think it was a woman named “Kimmy” who recommended CL. At first the name kinda put me off because in my family if you were called a “chump” it was a real slight. You were a sap, an easily fooled dope or too trusting naive punk. It was a name you did NOT want on your tombstone.

Little did I know it was a term that would save my sanity.

Yeah, baby, I was chumped, but you should see the other guy.

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Hahaha, “you should see the other guy.” I love that!

accubonded
accubonded
8 years ago

I know I found CL several times and read several before I finally decided to sign up and ask a question. But I think I Googled something to the effect of stupid fucking cheating whore wife and that got me here. Thank goodness for my potty mouth, stupid ass lying mother fucking cheating lying asshole whore bitch ass fucktard cheaters

lostntx
lostntx
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

LMAO!!!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

I actually love the raw language here. It speaks to the depths of this shit and fits the circumstances perfectly! I find it necessary to call the AP, AP. She is nothing but an AP to me. I don’t give her the dignity of a first name and refer to her always as AP, OW, whore, fuckwad, pond scum, fucking cheating lying dirt on my shoes. And I need to vent and cathart this here and am grateful to get this off my chest, to discharge, to release.

Chump Change
Chump Change
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

Since Chump Lady’s Blog became the Voice of Reason and shined crystal clear clarity and a fun new vocabulary into my shattered heart, I’ve only referred to the OW as Schmoopie. My therapist, and friends call her that and think its hilarious! I referred to her that way once in a text to stbxh, and he was not amused. Said I was “name calling”. (I had already changed his contact info to “Gaslighter”….) Whenever I get sad or nostalgic I just refer to my list of horrible, unforgivable bs he has done to me over 38 years…. Dont get me started. As things bubble up, the list gets longer and longer. My work is to forgive myself for alling his abuse on some level for sooooooooo long.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

Chump change, smhooopie would be considered mild with the name calling where I’m from. Seriously, these guys are out screwing whores, and their sensibilities are offended by schmoopie. Cut me an effing break.!!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

I refuse to use “schmoopie” ever because it sounds too benign. Grad-whore, grad-slut, grad-c***, home-wrecker, all seem more appropriate.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

Pretty sure my ability to make a sailor blush also landed me here accubonded, and thank fucking God it did. There is no place I would rather heal than in the straight shooting, snarky yet loving arms of CN. Would not be moving forward in a positive way without everyone here.

accubonded
accubonded
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

Yeah some of the other sites were way too namby pamby for my taste. And way too much of the forgive the cheater, cheater apologists, and that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Fuck all that, I’m pissed, I want to be pissed, and I have every right to be pissed. Here we don’t make people uncomfortable and we can call out those assclown for what they are, lower than scum lying cheating weasels. Although that is insulting to weasels so I apologize to all the weasels of the world.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

Someone way back once said it so perfectly and I am paraphrasing and if “you” read this, thank you as I have never forgotten how you captured how I feel: But you said, again paraphrased, “I needed to be indignant and repulsed, activated and filled with motive force about a shitty situation I really didn’t deserve.” Thank you whoever, I should have remember who said that. Brilliant! and captures it so perfectly.

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
8 years ago

I found ChumpLady thru First Wives World. Its a great reference for Narc info and subsequent separation and divorce. And now theres a Canadian subgroup on that site. But when you need a quick reality check Chump Lady is the BEST!!

chumplisa
chumplisa
8 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

Yes someone on First Wives World recommended it. So wish I had found it earlier. I only found it after my divorce. I would have kicked more ass but did fine anyway thanks for threats of deposing The Puta and forcing the sale of the house and court. All he wanted to avoid so gave me decent alimony. His attorney was an asshole. He is famous for representing men and not wanting them to pay alimony. If I had read CL before my responses would have been much different.

I am 8 moths after the divorce and come here daily. I was so glad to find this site. Its speaks to what I was feeling and I love the language because there is no way to sugar coat the horror one goes through. The reality that you sometimes have to share you kids with the very same people that lied and cheated and showed they couldn’t care less about you or the kids is just too much to bare at times. I still fucking think of revenge. When I move out of this city in 2.5 years maybe I will and maybe I won’t but you know what… it depends on me and not someone elses timeline or bullshit advice. I might be at Meh or might not. Doesn’t matter. I come here everyday to get my dose of strength and support for my take on what I am going through.

And Tracy…. reading the early responses to your blog when you began…. I noticed you got a lot of flack initially. I want to thank you for having the courage to stick with it and having the confidence in your voice to speak out. Look how CN has grown.

Oh and the key logger…… Thats how I found out. Best thing I ever did. Fuck Wad cheater lier. He was lying to my daughter and got her to turn against me for awhile because I kept suspecting something and he kept telling her he was trying to make things work but that it was my fault because I didn’t trust him. When I downloaded the emails and showed her she did a 180. I got my daughter back. She was amazed to see him continue to lie even in the face of evidence. Oh and The Puta doesn’t have a chance withy daughter since she got to read her bullshit too. Unfortunately my son continues to go to the Eye of Sauron every 2 weeks to try to keep the peace. Fucking Cunt. Seriously if you read the emails you would hate her too.

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

Yes, I got to First Wives World first, and several women mentioned CL. What a breath of fresh air this site is!

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

lovedandlost, I also looked at First Wives World and how I ended up there I do not know but it lead me to Chump Lady and I have not looked back. I have grown so much without realising it. I don’t think Tracy is fully aware of what she has created here. I suspect that CL together with the input of CN has saved a few lives along the way, mine included. CN is a safe haven for all we poor buggers both male and female who have been dragged through hell by our cheating partners. I honestly don’t know where I would be without the support of such a great community of good people.

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree, CL and CN helped save me for sure!!!! THANK YOU PEOPLE!!! ALL OF YOU!!!

ChumpyKindofLove
ChumpyKindofLove
8 years ago

I found Chump Lady by Googling “husband won’t admit to affair”…. it was the first hit and finally made sense. The other “infidelity” sites all presume your cheater is sane and logic applies to them. Not so much. I also appreciate the copious swearing…. not sugar coating with “wayward spouse” and all that crap. Fucking Cheater, thank you.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago

Exactly, what is with this “wayward spouse” shit? I truly appreciate the people of CN and their ability to tell it like it is. This is also the first place I learned about Narcs and Cluster B’s and the fact that I wasn’t dealing with someone sane or logical.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Yeah, makes it sound like they don’t have a GPS or sense of direction. We know to what their sense of direction lead them.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago

Wayward! WTF! So insulting, so minimizing of the impact of their cheating asses.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago

I honestly don’t remember what I Googled to get here – I was a Google maniac at the time. The other sites weren’t what I needed so I kept looking till I found Chump Lady which gave me more insight into my situation than any website or counselor ever did. CN is full of real talk (no fluff) and real support – and I am thankful for you guys every day.

lady jane
lady jane
8 years ago

I was googling everything I could on NPD and infidelity. Found CL. Thank you, you saved my sanity.

LIningUpDucks
LIningUpDucks
8 years ago
Reply to  lady jane

Me, too, I googled everything, read everything. I think I found CL after googling “what to do when you’ve been cheated on” or something like that

BalticBetrayal
BalticBetrayal
8 years ago

I first saw a CL article on huffington post divorce–didn’t know too many infidelity or divorce sites–a few months ago and was like, wow, this is good stuff. Way better than the usual crap on that site. Now I’m hooked.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago

I found chump lady via first wives club. Absolutely the best ever. I wouldn’t be here if wasn’t for all you guys. I thank the universe.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

Rock on Kar Marie!

beingadivorceddad
beingadivorceddad
8 years ago

“wife says I love you but I’m not in love with you” – those were her exact words after her affair was exposed. These people are textbook.

Marked711
Marked711
8 years ago

ILYBINILWY !!! Those were the first words out of her mouth! It’s scary how they all work from the same script.

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

Marked711, satan reached out and took my hand at the dinner table (I was trying to force myself to actually eat – at that point I had lost over 50 pounds…and I was never overweight…so…I was dying I’m sure) and he said, ‘I don’t care about you anymore.’ …smiling like a gator the whole time…I took my hand away and started crying. My head was spinning…my stomach churned and I tried to get up from my chair when he took my hand again and said, ‘I love you Jeep…why can’t you just be happy? Why aren’t you eating? Are you trying to poison me?’ …wow huh…to this day I wonder if he was actually giving me something… Once he was arrested and removed from the marital home for domestic violence my health immediately began to improve…

None of us want to believe these disordered x’s could really be that dangerous, despite evidence to the contrary. The gaslighting, lying, manipulating and abuse keeps us second guessing ourselves, ALWAYS to our detriment. Thank all that is good for Tracy and all of Chump Nation. I am grateful!

Finally realized
Finally realized
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Jeep he sounded like he was trying to drive you mad. “I don’t care about you” followed by “I love you.” ??

Totally creepy and I am so glad you are out of there and that you have your loyal dog and your firearm.

You also have my prayers.

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago

I think so too Finally realized…he was trying to make me fit the smear campaign description he was circulating. I know that I did think I was crazy for a long time…and that I was just going to go ahead and die…I didn’t think I was strong enough to navigate the maze of the insanity…he also meowed at me for over 6 months…

Four or five years from start to finish (I lost track in the ensuing court dates), I have now left those that are fence sitting behind and am now surrounded by amazing, honest, encouraging friends that have my back. It is a totally new experience for me after 36 years with satan and his also narc friends and family. I wish him / them no ill will – just that he and they stay as far away from me as they can and leave me out of their conversations. He is no longer in control of me or my life or abusing Beau the Wonder Rescue Dog 😀 We are truly BLESSED! 😀

FMT
FMT
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Jeep, that meowing story is probably the creepiest thing I’ve seen on this blog. Your ex really does deserve the name Satan. He is evil. I pray you have a restraining order, and I am SO glad you’re away from that with your lovely Beau!

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  FMT

FMT…the restraining order expired but I have been in contact with the local police (here in my new location) about the situation and they have assured me they will keep watch. I see them at least 3 times a day – when I am at home – going past my home. I feel better knowing they took it to heart – course there is a record so I am sure they took it seriously. The night he was arrested there were 2 murder suicides of separated couples in this area…I think that is why the police lingered over 1/2 an hour after I made the call – satan had fled the scene…but came back ON FOOT about 1/2 hour later! The officers immediately took him into custody. These disordered types think they are above the law. …so dangerous!

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  FMT

Beau and I are happy to be away from satan FMT! I can’t imagine, and don’t want to, how his life is panning out…I wouldn’t be able to sleep or function if I had tortured ANYONE the way he tortured us…it is hard to fathom that anyone would or could be so evil. Hard to believe he behaved that way – and the monstrous behaviors started months and months before I saw his ‘super secret cell phone’ (his words), so, yes, I think he was trying to put me in a place where I would just kill myself from sheer agony. I feel fortunate to have been so confused and messed up during those last couple of years that I couldn’t even begin to wonder what the hell??? I struggled just to hold on to myself.

These people are very dangerous. I hope he is never EVER again allowed to hurt anyone with their love for him. EVER.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Jeep

What evil monsters they are. The smirk, I still have dreams of him and I’m beating his fucking evil smirk.
When I lost 41 pounds iver a very short period he took credit for my weight loss.

Blerg
Blerg
8 years ago
Reply to  donna

The smirk. That FUCKING SMIRK that I used to see in my dreams too Donna – my ex was never able to control his smirk while he was slowly watching the light go out in my eyes with every cruel word. It jolted me into realizing what a soulless, pig he was, more than anything he ever said or that I discovered. I have never seen another human being do such a thing!

Mandie101
Mandie101
8 years ago
Reply to  Blerg

The smirk! What are these creatures?

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  donna

Ugh!!! They are ALL THE SAME donna! satan mentioned my extreme weight loss one day to which I responded, ‘I think I am dying and you are watching me do it…’ Rage flashed in his eyes and he roared, ‘You like looking that way! You should thank me!’

Thank God we are away from them donna!

Marked711
Marked711
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

After the ILYBINILWY, I lost 50 lbs in two months. I couldn’t eat, sleep or do anything. After she said that, she had the dead shark eyes. I’d never seen them in our 30 yrs together. Then I found CL and CN. I immediately knew I’d make it. I gained back 25 lbs and haven’t felt this good since meeting her. I’ve been given my life back.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

Same playbook, exasshole playing poor sausage told me how the shit he’d done had helped me cos look at all the weight I lost. I was a fucking skeleton and it aged me badly. WTF, guess it’s just more rationalization

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Jeep,

I am not a medical doctor. But it sounds to me like he might have been poisoning you. Am I being paranoid? Perhaps. Can a physician find trace remnants of a toxic substance? I don’t know. Is an attempted murder charge still a possibility? Yes. Be safe, and be proactive.

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I’m not an MD either but I do know there are some poisons that are deposited in hair. The hair can be tested chemically.

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian Dubito, thank you 😀

I have no idea if satan was poisoning me…it is absolutely possible. Testing was inconclusive, but physical abuse was obvious.

I moved half an hour away from satan 2 months after my divorce was final. …as soon as my property transfer was in the local paper satan showed up on my driveway! I ignored him and waited for him to drive away before leaving my home. I can’t believe he would even think that I would engage with him in ANY way after the brutality, let alone the mental and emotional abuse. Unbelievable! I am hyper vigilant of my surroundings now!

I have my CCW and am always packed. I wouldn’t harm anyone but damn sure not going to be harmed ever again if I can prevent it. My equalizer makes up for my smallness! I learned from personal experience how quickly physical abuse can happen and I am no match for a 220 pound, 6′ man. My rescue dog saved me from satan on 1 of the 4 occasions he decided beating on me was the right thing to do. I love my dog! He kicks monster ass!!!! We saved each other!

I don’t dwell there anymore, on the abuses, but I do think all of us – old and new chumps – need to be aware of the fact that these disordered x’s are capable of monstrous evil, not just lying and cheating! Some of them can actually rationalize horrendous acts and carry through with them…there are a few of us here that experienced this first hand…my heart goes out to those that have lost their lives or the lives of their loved ones…I want all of us to be safe and go on to have wonderful lives!

I agree with you, Tempest and the rest of us. We do need to form a public image and shout the truth to the world. These monsters should not be allowed to continue to do harm!

Stitch
Stitch
8 years ago

My husband’s first words, too. In the months leading up to D-day, when I was so suspicious of his disconcerting new “friendship,” I even asked him, “Are you in love with her?” No no no. It’s not like that. No way. “Are you in love with me?” Yes yes yes. Then D-day hit and suddenly “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Total mindfuck.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago

Divorced dad, that is just code for I want to screw around, while staying married.

blessingindisguise
blessingindisguise
8 years ago

I googled whether chronic infidelity was considered abuse, which led me to a HuffPost article (by CL) which directed me here. Nice to know I am not alone in this experience, though I wish none of us (or our children) had to live though it.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

I googled “Infidelity emotional abuse,” found a psychologist who mentioned that Tracy Schorn of Huffington Post fame advocated cheating as emotional abuse. Found a HuffPo column, then chumplady.com, and ….The clouds parted and the sun shone down upon me. ” THIS!” I thought.

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I will never forget that nearly tangible sense of relief upon finding this site. I was in complete despair, but I felt an enormous wave of anguish lift off after reading a single post. I got up and ate food for the first time in days. I built a fire in my fireplace and continued reading. The well articulated ideas and especially the humor provided so much understanding and strength to move forward. Thank you ChumpLady, for your perseverance and your authentic voice. You continue to help us all. <3

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  CRHCHK

Yes, that sounds like me, too! Great description of the feeling of relief. As soon as I read about ‘loving’ the Wire Monkey, because that’s all we knew, I was hooked! All the massive mindgames of X were revealed, and I knew I was reacting normally to abuse and gaslighting. ChumpLady helped me feel like I was not the crazy one, like he kept saying.
I will send anyone here who needs the 2 x 4 of reality. The truth is better, even if it hurts.
As far as which phrase I was searching, I think it was something like- Husband loves me and his Mistress, what can I do? So pathetic (much better now).

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

The clouds parted and the sun shone down upon me. ” THIS!” I thought.

Tempest, I absolutely LOVE your way with words!

mehbound
mehbound
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I’m going to add a rainbow came out bright and beautiful!!!

I had never read a blog, or would’ve ever googled a term relating to the nightmare I divorced from…..had it not been an acquaintance that mentioned CL helped her gain a life! Connected and amused was instant the first time I read CL and realized I was part of CN. I am grateful to find a nation that knows heartbreak and beyond! The word mighty gave me hope!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, that’s exactly my experience, though google brought me here immediately on “just found out cheater cheated after divorce.” The clouds really did part and I am going to say strongly and sincerely, CN and CL saved my life, validated my experience, regarded the betrayal and abuse as abuse (no fluff about it, thank you), gave me words to describe my experience that fit like a hand in glove, e.g., kibbles, unveiling the skein of fuckupedness, meh, DDay, provided support of the highest level not found anywhere else on the web, and gives me a daily dose of understanding. DD for me was June 20, 2014 and I remember getting here and reading the what do I do now articles, which felt like I had come home after being derailed.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago

I can’t remember how I ended up on CL one miserable day of 2014, but it was exactly what I needed. What I like best about this site is that people sound honest, straightforward, responsible, compassionate, intelligent. All of them have worked very hard at making their lives as good as they could, and got betrayed while doing so.

On other sites that I tried, about infidelity, about breakups, it’s an endless freakshow: woman in open marriage gets hurt by Nth boyfriend because he dated another (duh !), woman who enjoyed getting paid for sex (wtf ?) believes lover was sincere and married another woman reluctantly (huh ?), drug addict / alcoholic can’t get over his ex, etc. After a while I think that I am too normal to be there, they gross me out, and I return to CN.

However, I wonder, how many more months will I be reading these posts ? How long does it take to get over the pain of major betrayal ? Isn’t it bad to focus on those terrible things that happened to us, doesn’t the focus make them even more important ?

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

I am firmly at meh, but I stick around to help the newbies. I remember when I was going through this shit and how completely thankful I was to have found people that understood what I was going through. These people saved me. Their encouragement, the kind words, the acknowledgment that infidelity and all that comes with it is one of the hardest things you will go through. I needed that so much at that time. Like I said, these people literally saved me.

violet
violet
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

It has been almost 5 years since I discovered what I thought was a great marriage was a complete sham. I have made a new life for myself and consider myself “healed”. Why do I continue to come here? All of the above. I love the perspective I get here and the people are amazing. After feeling like a freak, I feel normal. I know what happened is not my fault and I feel comfortable expressing my emotions.

There is another reason, though. At some point, my civilian friends expected me to “get over it”, on their timeline, of course. I began to feel like I was bothering people if I even mentioned what X’s cheating did to my psyche. But I have learned that traumatic events stay with a person, even after “recovery”. I compare it to losing a loved one suddenly and tragically. In order to live a productive life, it was necessary to accept what had happened. The scar remains, even though the wound has healed. I have not found any resource or website to be as helpful to my emotional recovery as this wonderful site. I never feel like I am somehow stuck just because I want to talk about what X’s cheating did to me.

Having survived a very public humiliation, I also hope that my comments occasionally help those folks who are just starting out on his difficult path. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even on those days it seems things cannot get any worse.

So,many, many thanks to Chump Lady and Chump Nation for the words of wisdom and encouragement. Many of us have made it to the other side because you were there to show us how to keep going. Tracy, you serve a vital role in helping folks recover from one of the worst traumas imaginable. You’re the bomb!

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  violet

Amen, violet!

Regina
Regina
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

ChumpLady; Great point that just because one is no longer being cheated on that they are not being “chumped” in a variety of other ways. So true.
Chumpy folks (like me) project their trust and integrity onto others and can end up in a world of crap due to it. I have been chumped financially too many times, or believed people were friends who were not, etc. The sad part that I have learned here at CL is that most Chumps are articulate, caring and wonderful people whom the disordered search for and prey upon like a spider in a web. They know you will “believe” them until you can’t.

happily never after
happily never after
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

ChumpLady-I nominate you for sainthood, Nobel Peace Prize, or Publisher’s Clearing House prize, or some such honor. You have worldwide fans and have performed a great service for woman and mankind. We humbly thank you for keeping this blog going.

I found ChumpLady through the recommendation of a very wise individual counselor I saw. Needless to say I didn’t continue her services long after this discovery.

I can feel myself on the way to Meh but will still come back here for the amazing support. Thanks to all!

Lania
Lania
8 years ago

Seconding the vote for the Nobel Peace Prize – but those things only go to people who are in it for the validation (ie. narcs), and not people who actually promote peace.
The world would be such a better place if everyone called out arseholes on their bullshit.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Chump Lady, I recently read the book by Hoda Kotb. One of her messages is “Don’t hog your journey. It isn’t just for you.” She had a bad divorce and breast cancer, and was pretty much hiding from it. A man on a plane gave her the above advice, and it changed her life.

You don’t know the good you can do in another person’s life by sharing your journey/story/whatever you want to call it. Recently, I told a friend about creepy ex’s cheating. She knows we are divorced, but not why. She then told me a mutual friend is going through the same thing. I had no idea, but I’m going to let her know I’m there for support if she needs it. You can’t hide your light under a barrel. Thank you, Hoda.

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Wow, I love that Hoda Kotb quote. Thanks, Anita — I’m posting it in my cubicle!

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

You’re welcome, Fifi. It’s not exact, but u think it’s pretty close. Hoda may have said “your story.” Can’t remember.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Wonderful answer. Thank you. I will be pleased to continue reading this blog then, and even commenting since we are welcome as not-so-fresh chumps.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Nicely said CL. I sense a lot of advancement in people’s experiences here as a process toward meh. It really is a process and I don’t discount the need to relate, educate, support. People are in different stages here and have commonly experienced significant trauma by their cheaters. What I need is to be a part of the whole thing: maybe helping someone by sharing my experience, relating to someone venting, learning from someone further down the road, getting perspective when I am in a particularly down place, laughing, and primarily being validated for the experience that it is – abuse. I wondered too for a minute about the focus, but quickly realized that what I get from this site is an emphasis on healing and movement, born out of the first and important recognition that infidelity is abuse, that there is simply no justification for it, and that it takes time to heal. I have not found any other sites that get this.

Regina
Regina
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

ChumpB; well stated. Most people who knew us before, were blown away by the rage that ensues after this level of betrayal. You just gotta be around people that get it to maintain any sanity. Friends don’t recognize the devastated, angry new you.
Am still kind of embarrassed about how many people I told looking for support in confusion and desperation.

Susannah
Susannah
8 years ago
Reply to  Regina

Don’t be embarrassed! There is nothing wrong with looking for support and comfort when you are in pain. My mother did the same thing after my father dropped his mask. For a while, some folks were taken aback, but as bio-dad slowly alienated everyone else, they rallied around her. She is now the most beloved woman in my hometown. I wish the same support for you.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Susannah

Regina, yes!

carmella1722
carmella1722
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL, when I first came here, It scared me a little that some of the people who were at Meh, or remarried, or claiming to be free of their cheater and never happier, were still on the site. I thought ‘why are you still here if it’s been 5 years?’ Does that mean I’ll still be in this awful pain in 5 years? But now I get it. The comradery and humor and support extend beyond the experience that unites us. We are a little community here and I can vent to my virtual friends things my IRL friends would never quite understand. I’m thankful for you all!

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  carmella1722

I see this place as a place of reality, education, and of hope. I’m still around despite being long past D-day because I want to pay it foreward too. If my story can save just one life I will be happy.

I came to Chump Lady through Out Of The Fog, a site for people dealing with cluster B’s in all their dysfunction. Someone mentioned this site, left a link which I followed, and I’ve been coming around ever since. It has helped so much in making sense of what happened in my marriage to cheater ex ……aka Mr. murderous malignant narcissist. This is where I figured out it wasn’t all my fault. Plus I absolutely love folks who tell it like it is.

nomar
nomar
8 years ago
Reply to  carmella1722

As a chump several years after the fact I think of chumplady.com like a VFW hall for veterans of infidelity. We’ve been through a kind of hell that other folks can’t understand and that’s not acceptable to discuss in mixed company. There is support in that common experience, and camaraderie and humor as well. Come on in, be yourself, don’t apologize. Have a virtual beer with folks who understand before you have to return to the larger (and generally smug) world of family, friends, and work. This place doesn’t define me, but it does warm my heart.

Tracy
Tracy
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

THE VFW…..Love it….Veterans of Family War.
And what we have been thru is a WAR….With wounded children, wounded selves, enemy attacks, spies, friendly fire….
Great analogy Nomar. I have always enjoyed your insight.
This site saved me…..
I’d read your stories and realize there are others who get the pain….because my married friends who have been as awesome as they can be….don’t get it. They’ve stuck with me….but it’s been hard for them to get the trigger emotions….or the sudden rage….or the memory lane breakdown.

Tracy…The Chump Lady …..Saved my life.

You all that comment, cheer, pray, encourage….saved my life. And continue to throw life lines to others.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Yes, well stated, traumatic events due to infidelity is why we come back, it is why we need each other, and it is what we are recovering from. I have never gotten the sense that people are stuck here and in fact, I truly live for some of the old timers and their words of wisdom helps me tremendously! Processing trauma takes time and support and this is the place for that. It does truly bond people. While my regular circle of family and friends have provided significant amounts of empathy for me, I just don’t always want to go there for fear of overloading. Thank you CN for always listening to me.

Finally realized
Finally realized
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Oh, that’s such a great analogy, Nomar. It’s perfect.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Well said, Nomar. I’m firmly at meh myself and have been for quite a while – but its like any forum the world over. Its just that this one the members are drawn together through a situation that happened to them, rather than a common interest.
Plus, this site is very helpful when navigating non-romantic relationships, to spot Cluster B’s and so forth, as well. The advice given here can be used to better your own life in general.

Einstein
Einstein
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

That’s it exactly!

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar, very well said! This is where I know I will understand, and be understood.

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar, well stated as always. Having said that, it will have to be a virtual glass of bubbles for me !! 🙂

happily never after
happily never after
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

+1

Chumpita
Chumpita
8 years ago

I found CL one month after Dday#2 after googling for advice on how to divorce a cheater…kept me from making more mistakes like the pick me dance or sending crazy revenge letters, even though when I did go against CL´s advice (like talking to the OW) it usually backfired, and I had to repeat the mantra “CL is always right” to get through the divorce year (2014) and recovery year (2015). Now I am almost at “meh”….slowly but surely, thanks to CL and CN!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpita

Chumpita! Good work! Same with the reaching out to the whore. It seriously backfired.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

Think I searched about ‘ gaslighting’ and voila…. Chump Lady

movin_on
movin_on
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

I read that as gaslighting and vodka!

nomar
nomar
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

“gaslighting and vodka”: one is an intoxicating and destructive force that corrodes clear thinking and ruins lives, and the other is a kind of alcohol.

Roaring
Roaring
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Hahahaha. Hilarious, Nomar.

carmella1722
carmella1722
8 years ago

I think I was googling things like ‘what percentage of men leave their wives for their mistress’ and ‘do marriages end over MLC affairs’ and shit like that and ended up in the RIC sites. I was learning about the 180 and how to ‘make the marriage the better option,’ and while I would have listened to just about anything in those early dark days, something just nagged at me about that advice. I knew that the marriage, with a faithful loving wife and a home and family already was the better option, and I’d be damned if I was going to audition for my own marriage. Someone on the site made a comment about the pick me dance and posted a link to CL. THANK GOD for that link. This site truly changed the trajectory of my post D-Day life, and probably cut my ‘recovery’ time in half. I can’t imagine the state I’d be in if in my desperation I had gone the RIC route. I don’t know who posted the link, but whoever you are fellow chump, a million Thank Yoooooooous!!!!

FreefromSkankBoy
FreefromSkankBoy
8 years ago
Reply to  carmella1722

Carmella…..oh, my…that is exactly my story. After reading tons of RIC, I said, nope, especially the part of playing the relationship cop….I don’t want to live my life like that. Yes, the tossing of the pig out of the house was hard, but less hard than the stories I’ve read about wreakconcilliation!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  carmella1722

I now see I was constantly auditioning for my marriage without ever knowing about it. I was constantly being compared to his new fuckbuddy from Ashley Madison, or the flirtatious graduate student (sometimes favorably–I have some creepy comments from him stuck in my head, and sometimes not). There there were the spells with APs where it was 2 against 1 in the marriage, again, known only in retrospect.

Wish I’d known I was always auditioning so I could have bailed and moved over to “The Sound of Music” auditions, instead.

Regina
Regina
8 years ago
Reply to  carmella1722

Carmella1722; Love that “I will be damned if I am going to audition for my own marriage.” Great point, that is the position we are put in.

LIningUpDucks
LIningUpDucks
8 years ago

“cheating husband always crying”

Nope, just around you. Does he cry while he’s fucking the OW in the Walmart parking lot? Sources say…..

FreefromSkankBoy
FreefromSkankBoy
8 years ago
Reply to  LIningUpDucks

Hahahaha! “Welcome to Walmart, how may we make your shopping experience more enjoyable?”

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
8 years ago

Chump Lady for the brutal truths win! I found the site via one of the Longest Shortest Time facebook groups. Unsurprising that other parents who care about being parents and like thinking and learning about it would also like this site.

300lbsLighter
300lbsLighter
8 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Love that podcast!

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago

I wish I had found ChumpLady after DDay, but that was March 2012; I think her blog started April 2012. The Force was weak in Google at that time.
I saw one of CL’s column on HuffPo in April or May 2013, which was perfect time as the divorce was just finalized, I had to death with the aftermath of ex telling he was Getting marries/moving/starting a new family.
Been here ever since… t this poInt.

Marked711
Marked711
8 years ago

I originally found Psychopath Free dot com. It was a great start. Then someone suggested Chump Lady dot com. I found my people here. Thank you all for saving my life.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

You saved your own life Marked711, you always did, you always will.

Jedi hugs!

Regina
Regina
8 years ago

Also was constantly looking & didn’t seem like it was fair advice i was getting online or in these books. That the cheated on was somehow to blame, that infidelity is “normal” or one needs to forgive no matter how damaging to his/her life. Was years in before discovering CL & CN.
Wish CL would have been doing this blog years earlier, I had been looking for something that backed this behavior up as abuse and not to be tolerated. Just thankful she is here now.
Such a mind screw that on top of it all it is your fault? Just did not feel right.
Kept looking and one day simply put in “do cheaters stop lying?” & found this life and sanity saving site.
“Trying to untangle the Skein of Fuckedupness” and the many ways this question could be asked would direct many here.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago

Argh, iPad freak out, said I hit send before I could finish/proofread.
At this point I stay to help more recent Chumps, and for support dealing with the occasional ex stupidity.

FicoChump
FicoChump
8 years ago

I love that term “Traveling Cheater” ! You made my day. I can wait to get home to read this blog I am reading this in my break! That will be his nickname from now on TC 🙂

Kim
Kim
8 years ago

I found Chump Lady when I googled “When affair partners marry.” It was one of the best things I ready and I stayed and read for like 5 hours. Now she’s the first website I check each morning.

boudicareborn
boudicareborn
8 years ago

It was after D-Day one (where I did the Chump boogie after accepting his “remorse”), and I was searching the RIC sites to try get our marriage back on track. I was feeling more conflicted by the day, because something just didn’t feel right, and I didn’t know why and was blaming myself. One day when I opened my Yahoo main page I noticed a Huffington Post article title about infidelity. The intriguing title prompted me to click on the link. Included in the article was a quote from Tracy, aka Chump Lady. It resonated with me and i immediately went to her web page, which I found wise, witty, snarky and hilarious. D-Day two happened very soon after (where I was pimped out on Craigslist). The next day, after my meltdown, when my then-husband was at work, I downloaded CL’s book on Kindle and read it within two hours – because I had realized Unicorns only exist as figurines, mythical movie and cartoon characters and the inspiration of various painting and posters.

Cerise
Cerise
8 years ago

I googled “how do you know if he’s really divorced”, (turns out he wasn’t). CL helped me through that fiasco (I was the Spackle Queen), and through the next one (thank you for the resources on controlling/abusive relationships–I had never encountered one before and couldn’t believe it was happening, like the frog in a pot that slowly heats up to boil.)

Now I’m happily not dating at all, getting a life, and if I ever do want to date again, it will be with a considerably fixed picker.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Cerise

Jedi hugs! Rock on!

Roaring
Roaring
8 years ago

Somehow I found Chump Lady right after D-Day (around Halloween). Don’t really know which Google search led me – I’m pretty sure my Guardian Angel had a hand in it.

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago

I found Chump Lady when I googled ‘please heal my broken heart’ and found Kim Saeed and from there I found Chump Lady. That is when I began to actively heal and take charge of my life. Granted it was just baby steps at first but I was taking steps after a year and a half of just sitting in the corner crying and staring off into space…I lost days doing that crap!

The first thing I read was ‘The Unified Theory of Cake’ and found myself laughing uncontrollably and for a long time!!!! I hadn’t laughed – for real body shaking, belly laugh full of joy – for 3 or 4 years!!! THANK YOU CHUMP LADY!!!

I emailed the cake theory to my lawyer with a note saying let’s kick some cake eater ass! (My lawyer is a tiny, blonde pit bull :D) she LOVED IT!

Thank you for helping me pull myself up out of the living hell I was in Tracy and Chump Nation!!! I am MIGHTY and FREE OF THAT DISORDERED ASSHOLE!!!!

THANK YOU ALL!!!!

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Good for you, Jeep. Good – For – YOU. The life-changing power of ChumpLady and Chump Nation is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

I am so grateful everyday FiFi!!! I do not believe I would have survived without Tracy and all of you. None of the counselors I sought knowledge, help and relief from ever gave me the strength and conviction I needed to save myself. I got all that here with all of you.

Thank you all!!!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Jedi hugs Jeep. There’s a quote from Cloud Atlas I like very much and you might too. “Truth is singular. Its ‘versions’ are mistruths.” ― David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

I’ve never heard a more succinct description of gaslighting

FMT
FMT
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I LOVE Cloud Atlas. Read it many times, watched the movie many times. 🙂

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Datdamwuf that ‘splains satan perfectly! I do love it!

…I am so proud to be free of him…I am so proud that I had the strength to climb out of that hell.

Thank goodness we all had the strength to leave and to be here to support others in need of clarity and encouragement!

chris1731
chris1731
8 years ago

Magic 8 Ball!

I started searching Google because of my anxiety and lack of sleep. I was is in Chump denial I guess. Finally ,Google Searches landed me in many places….not soon enough to find Chum Lady though.

With that said, CL/CN has help me is so many ways to get closer to MEH (I guess after my two girls are off to college and I no longer have to speak with cheating X-Wife elementary school teacher).

I’m looking forward to my Tuesday!

Arlo
Arlo
8 years ago

I think I googled “my husband has a girlfriend and he’s making me insane”

I know that every other site I visited (besides Infidelity Help Group) made me feel more insane, but when I got here, it was like the clouds parted and a chorus of angels was singing “Oh Hell to the No”

And the healing began 🙂

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago
Reply to  Arlo

LOL Exactly what key does one sing “Oh Hell to the No” in?
I too began to feel just the tiniest seed of “it can possibly, maybe, someday be OK” after I started reading here.

yo
yo
8 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

“F” flat

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
8 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

“Oh Hell to the No” – sung to the “Hallelujah Chorus” in Handel’s Messiah

onthehill
onthehill
8 years ago

I googled something about Narcissm. I think it was Narcisstic husband or men. CL was about 1/3 of the way down on the first page.

Mandie101
Mandie101
8 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

Yes. Me too. Narcissist and cl was among my search options. Hit her link ,started to read and closed all other tabs. Only cl dared to take the other view. I had my views on cheaters before marriage and being cheated on in the marriage confirmed it. It is nothing more than an act of selfishness. Heck I spoke to a cheater who admitted it was something he thought he deserved. I remember thinking what an ass. He lost his wife and kids in the end. Good woman his wife was too.

BetrayedNoMore
BetrayedNoMore
8 years ago

ChumpLady is, by far, the best advice, therapy, and brick-upside-the-head available on the interwebs. This was the only place that really spoke to me about my cheater wife. The Universal-Bullshit-Translator should be patented. It’s how I know to listen for what my cheater wife DOES NOT say.

Thank you (and Danke! 🙂 ChumpLady!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
8 years ago

Gosh, I must of googled “I love you but I’m not in love with you” 100 times. How utterly devastating that was. I had no clue back then (July of 2010) on how to cope with such cruel words. I eventually got to this site, I read, I absorbed, I learned, I trusted then I was able to cope. Thank God and Chumplady!

In retrospect, I wish I knew then what I have learned now from CL this past year of reading. If ANYONE ever hears the excuse “I love you but I’m not in love with you” basically what that means is that it’s justification for doing whatever they are planning on doing.……………………………………….…. and they’re cheating!

Time to tell that turd to go pound some sand!

garym6059
garym6059
8 years ago

I love search engine posts! Google key logger and voice activation recorder for the win! Been there done that LOL.

Gypsy57
Gypsy57
8 years ago

I used to belong to an NPD site way back when. I found a few other sites regarding abuse, so I always believed that cheating was DEFINITELY abusive.

Then one day about a year or so after D-day (my exb/f confessed to having an emotional affair online), my search led me to the Coping with Infidelity section of Talk About Marriage. Someone named ChumpLady posted an AWESOME response to someone and I remember thinking, “Dang! This woman knows her SH*T! Whoever she is, she’s a TERRIFIC writer!”

Little did I know…

So, that day I googled ChumpLady and voila!

Although I don’t post that often, I have been reading here every day for the past 18 months. It took me about 2 years to get to Meh, and by the time I found this site, I was almost there. I’m waaaaay beyond Meh now, lol!

This site continues to hold my interest for several reasons:

1) The author of the site is an OUTSTANDING writer
2) This is one of FEW forums where the community is genuinely supportive and *respectful* of one another. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone here become *DIS-respectful*!
3) The subject matter we discuss is related to cheating but so much of it can be applied to all aspects of relationships in general.

And last but not least…

4) It’s obvious that Tracy/ChumpLady is NOT a narcissist…

…just like the rest of you here at ChumpNatioin! 🙂

Jim
Jim
8 years ago
Reply to  Gypsy57

I found CL on TAM as well. A guy named Carlton kept ignoring her advice. And, she was right. Every time.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago

As long as this site is here I will be here for the pain and experience will never go away and I can help others through their journey. I will not let that pain rule my world but anger and pain I will hang onto to help me in the future. After I have moved I want to start a group for chumps like myself, where they can vent, scream, cry and feel they are not alone. That is my wish.

Rarity
Rarity
8 years ago

I believe I Google’d “how to get revenge on a cheater” and it took me to a CL article at the Huffington Post. And at first, I was a little miffed at being told to get “revenge” by living a good life.

Now I couldn’t be happier. Fuck him and the whore he rode in on. Fucker is leaving the state next month and (so long as he keeps on paying child support) I couldn’t care less. I only wish he was still with his idiot ex-mistress so he could take her with him and I wouldn’t run into her at comic con again. Go live in Idaho and hand out Books of Mormon and farm potatoes for all I care, ass-clowns.

Tracy
Tracy
8 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Rarity, I just used your line….”the whore he rode in on” with my lawyer….he busted a gut laughing…. Thanks!!!!

Bitter truth of revenge….yea….I hated it was that simple…. because keying his car felt really good…. I confess. Especially when I found out he dropped the comprehensive coverage and he only had liability….which meant…he had to pay out of pocket.

Forgive me of my sins….hail Mary and whoever else….

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
8 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Oh, oh. Me too. My SEO “term” was “how to get revenge on a cheater.” I sure as shit didn’t want the answer to be: “a life well lived.” Luckily Tracy is an amazing writer. Her words helped me swallow the bitter pill.

Chump Lady for the win.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Same here, I found CL also with a search around revenge (on cheater and OW), right after I learned that the OW was moving in and that our kid would be living 50% of her time with them. I had been email only with X for several months, but I was still trying to ‘nice’ my XH into doing the right thing about our divorce, the moment his whore was moving in, I was done being nice.

That “living well is the best revenge” and “NC is the best thing to do” were really tough to swallow. But that day, one comment said that, to narcs, NC and silence feels like the loudest fuck you. BOOM, mind blown. I know my x was a passive aggressive lying cheating coward. But that day I internalized that my X is a passive aggressive covert cluster B. That day, I read the theory of cake and the kibble dispenser posts, and OMG I could so relate to all these dynamics, so many stories were similar to mine. I spent the whole weekend reading the archives and CL’s book.

Since that day, CN has been my sanity check. I read this blog everyday, and have been singing about his adultery like a canary in my community. Nothing loud, just a few choice words that stop all “what happened questions” and Switzerland friends real quick. Several chumps have come to me for advice and I send them to CL.

This community and CL has been key in my ongoing recovery. So when CL comes to my neck of the woods for her book tour this spring, I will be there (and as Luz said in her brilliant guest posts, I will bring Pie Bitches!) When we are set for a summer chump camp (see the private forums for the thread Tempest started on this), I will do my best to be there. Because yes, the pain is finite, and I want to pay forward all the help I have gotten here.

I am far from Meh, but I keep forging on and I am grateful and honored to know that I am doing this among such a kick-ass community of survivors!

Einstein
Einstein
8 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

“Her words helped me swallow the bitter pill.” That sums up Tracy’s gift.

sewingchump
sewingchump
8 years ago

I happened upon Chump Lady when I was looking up articles on Michele Weiner-Davis’ 180. I suffered a second DDay on Thanksgiving this last year (2015) and was devastated all over again and didn’t know what to do. After DDay 1, I had read about the 180 and was really taken with the ideas because, you know, it still keeps you locked into the relationship with your cheater and that’s what we all want right? At first when I read the article here about the 180 (which logically ripped it apart) I was taken by surprise! “Is this lady actually purporting that I should leave my cheater?” “How dare she!” “Isn’t my ultimate happiness based on being able to MAKE my relationship/marriage work at whatever cost it might take including my very life!?!”

After having this awesome anvil of truth dropped on my head, things started going differently. I started really listening to my heart, which said that I was so tired of being with a man who couldn’t respect me, himself or our marriage. Thankfully we have no children. I’ve been in contact with my parents and family who are nothing but supportive of my moving forward without him. He contacted his parents whom he hadn’t talked to in years and they are really supportive of trying to help him help himself. We are separated right now. I’m preparing to file by the end of February if not sooner. I feel lucky because things are working out and they are working together for my own good, to say nothing of my husband’s. I’ve dealt with his cheating for 2 very long years now and so I come from a little further down the path than just finding out. However, I wish I would have trusted my gut on my first DDay and left right there and then! It’s been 2 of the most awful years of my life.

I have to say “Thank You” to Chump Lady and Chump Nation! I’m finally seeing and feeling clarity! Yay! As Chump Lady is so fond of saying, the pain truly is finite. There are more hard days ahead for me I know, but I’m feeling better each and every day.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  sewingchump

Jedi hugs Sewingchump! I sometimes wish I had more to respond with but other times it just feels like a hug is good too

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago
Reply to  sewingchump

I remember reading all that other stuff that you so well sum up as “Isn’t my ultimate happiness based on being able to MAKE my relationship/marriage work at whatever cost it might take” and thinking this doesn’t feel right, my gut was just screaming NO! NO! NO! until I got here.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
8 years ago

I was reading a narcissist blog and the writer (Savannah Grey I think) included a list of other blogs which she felt may be helpful. Chump Lady was included with a caveat warning of cursing and ‘take no prisoners’ harsh language. I immediately said ‘I’m in!” and the rest is history.

Having come out of a terrible 24 yr marriage with a raging abusive alcoholic narc and then 18 months with cheater abusive alcoholic narc XBF, I definitely was at a very low point. CL and CN have kept me among the living, there is NO doubt. There is no one else in my life, you are my lifeline.

I am beginning to think I can see “Meh” in the distance…..my heart is much less heavy and torturous memories, when triggered, are less impactful.

There are no other words but —Thanks, y’all!!!!

inthedark16
inthedark16
8 years ago

I found CL through my counselor. She was counseling both my H and I. She could see right through him (he soon decided he didn’t need counseling, and stopped going) she didn’t want to tell me what to do, cos I have to realize that for myself, but she had me write down chumplady.com and told me to google it and read everything……I’m so glad she did. CL and CN have saved my sanity.

just another chump
just another chump
8 years ago

My brother had sent me a you tube video of a woman beating the crap out of an expensive car with a golf club after finding out her husband had cheated on her. I was trying to find the video link to show a friend and googled something about getting revenge for cheating.
And there she was in all her potty mouthed splendour!
Yay Chumplady and Chump Nation!

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago

I was googling about being suddenly abandoned. I found http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/ and a link in Lisa’s article “Pros and Cons of a Disappearing Act”

KittyClancy
KittyClancy
8 years ago

That is exactly how I found CL too! It led me here to CN, this Road Less Traveled That Has Made All the Difference.Thanks Chump Lady!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
8 years ago

Oh how I wish CL/CN, or even the internet, existed when I first met the cheating piece of dog shit who eventually became my husband, then ex-husband and sperm donor for 3 of my 4 children. He was always an asshole with a “poor sausage” narrative, so the poor sausage belief obscured the asshole reality.

With that being said, I found CL when she was referenced by a poster on Surviving Infidelity. The poster referenced CL stating that she was a good source when reconciliation was not an option. I thought, “that’s me!” because Cheater EX had already decided that after over 25 years of marriage he had finally “found” (even though they had known each other as children and she had come trolling for him 20 years earlier) true love. No knock to SI, but reading there made me MORE depressed, if that was even possible.

I then typed chumplady.com into my browser and for the first time in a long time started to feel slightly empowered – my mighty started to assert itself. This site literally saved my life. I’m sure those RIC sites serve a purpose in some people’s lives, but they would have surely caused me to end mine. Whatever else I didn’t know at the time, I KNEW I did not want to spend what remained of my life trying to “take the high road” of self-abuse to remain “amicable” with someone who had repeatedly shown that they cared nothing about me.

I found this site within a month of finding my therapist – I consider it a divine collaboration and intervention. Both helped me find my metaphorical “balls.”

I love this site – it is my safe place where, in a world where infidelity is tolerated or “forgiven,” my opposite point of view on that topic is repeatedly validated.

Thank you CL and CN. Love to you all.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

“Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”
― Betty White

Betty White

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Perfect!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Thank you, Chumptitude! Well-placed!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Lol, badass bitches don’t need balls, he’ll those things are fragile! You rock Chump Princess

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
8 years ago

Chump Nation,

Y’all are such a kind and grateful bunch of folks. May I make a suggestion? See that “DONATE” button down at the bottom of this page? How about we put our money where our mouths are? (NOT- pay money to have someone put their mouth on you – like a cheater would.) Suggested donation amounts are: the copay for your therapist; the money you saved by not doing the “pick-me” dance with a marriage counselor; or even, “give till it hurts.”

Also, head over to Amazon and pre-order Chump Lady’s next book.

http://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453482666&sr=8-1&keywords=tracy+schorn

What a truly lucky bunch of Chumps we are. Pay it forward, but pay Tracy too.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Great ideas, Ian!! The added bonus is that pre-ordering her book (I ordered 3 copies) is that it will help the chances of her book hitting #1 the week it comes out (as pre-orders count as first week sales). Let’s get Chumplady noticed and part of the public dialogue.

Viva la Chump Revolution!

Happy Hausfrau
Happy Hausfrau
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I’m reading her new book right now (lucky lucky me) and it’s FABULOUS. I’ll preorder a couple for gifts, as well. Great idea.

theaubergine
theaubergine
8 years ago

I googled “is cheating abuse?”

I can’t express how much it helped me to find a space where ex’s behavior was actually named for what it was. CL’s commentary helped me realize that my own well being was worth more than a toxic relationship with someone who constantly hurt me. Thank you, CL.