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Chump Resolutions 2016

fatpantsHappy New Year!

I find New Year’s resolutions about as overrated as New Year’s Eve itself. (Okay, I can hardly stay up past 9 p.m. — it’s not the holiday for me.) But why leave self-improvement to just one season?

I was recently contemplating my flaws on vacation last week — we took a cruise — and it gave me seven stultifying, claustrophobic days to meditate on my weaknesses. To wit:

Seasickness. What my husband describes as “barely perceptible movement” had me hurled over a toilet.

Misanthropy. I don’t like people. On cruises. Or airports. Or on Texas highways. Or in shopping malls. Or in front of me in long customs lines. Especially if they’re coughing or sniffling or in anyway imperiling me with viruses.

I like people in theory. I’m very fond of a few like my husband, and occasionally my son, when he’s not  eating 14 frozen pizzas in one afternoon and leaving me the mess. I’m on the fence about the dog. (Plus side, she’s cuddly. Downside, she pees every time the doorbell rings.)

But I’m not at my best with 3,000+ people crammed into a sea vessel. I’m thinking Europe had to really, really suck to get my ancestors to come to America. How did they sail for MONTHS? I could barely make a week and there was cable.

Snobbery. No, I don’t want to go to your “art auction” and buy a mauve dolphin painting to match my sofa.

Snobbery. If it’s in a buffet line, it must be bad.

Snobbery. I am not fooled by your Johnny Cash impersonation.

In short, I’m insufferable and I need to work on my churlishness at First World Problems.

But the other realization I had on this dreaded pirate voyage of vomiting cruise was that I am still very much a chump.

Okay, yeah, I dumped the cheater and got a life. On the big ticket chump tests, I’ve cleared a few hurdles. On the day-to-day assaults on my boundaries, however? I’m still a sucker. I need help.

I didn’t go so far as to buy a dolphin painting (commit me if that happens), but I’m ashamed to admit I have a bottle of very overpriced seaweed extract.

How did this happen? How did I get close enough to a person to get talked into such a purchase? I went to a SPA.

I’m a WASPy preacher’s kid from the Midwest. My people don’t do spas. We don’t get naked with strangers. (You’ve heard the joke about WASPs and orgies? Why don’t WASPs go to orgies? Too many thank you notes to write.)

Beside the whole discomfort at the intimacy, there were practical considerations. My skin is so sensitive, if you stare at me sideways, I turn red. Rubbing God knows what into my pores just makes me break out in hives. Facials were definitely out, so I tried a massage. How bad could it be?

It was bad. I’m probably the only person who gets a panic attack when wrapped in algae and cellophane. Seriously, there was this tiny, Asian woman from the Philippines and she slathered green goop all over me, blind-folded me, and had me submerge in some sort of contraption that she heated to boiling.

“It’s removing the toxins!” she explained.

(You mean that green shit you just poured all over my body?)

Now, I’m a liberal arts major, but even I know that bodies don’t excrete “toxins”. We have kidneys, livers, and digestive tracts to do that job. Mythical “toxins” are not sweating out of my pores.

I asked her to stop. Please get me out of this thing!

She seemed disappointed. Okay, she agreed sullenly. Fine, if you want to die of toxins, be my guest. I craved her approval. I apologized.

I showered the green goop off and got on the massage table. This has to get better, right?

Massage is divine. Rubbing scented oil on to my back and kneading my squidginess into submission makes me purr. However, I couldn’t get past the whole colonial, subservient aspect of the experience. Who is this tiny Asian woman paid to touch icky middle-aged strangers’ bodies? Is she ever grossed out? Are there days where she’d rather not? Is this what men feel like when they go to prostitutes? I love what you’re doing, Babe. I’m so glad I don’t have to talk to you. 

I constructed this whole narrative in my head. I surmised that she must be an impoverished young woman, supporting a large family by her cruise ship servitude. How fortunate am I to be the one being massaged. How must it suck for her to spend Christmas oiling down weirdos for money. Can you really pay someone enough to do this? AND live on a ship? (Either one of these things would be a deal breaker for me.)

When she finished, it was so intimate I felt grateful. (Is this what men feel like when they go to prostitutes? Where’s my wallet? Here’s an extra $20!)

Then she started the sales pitch for seaweed products and I was trapped.

Now, I know she probably has to do this for her job, but damn the cruise line  for making me pay for an expensive massage and ending the wretched thing with a 15 minute lecture on “toxins.”

I’m sure most people tune out and say “no thanks.” (They’re probably saving their money for dolphin paintings.)

But not me — I’m a chump! I can’t even make up a good lie. “I’m totally full up with algae compote, thank you.” I can’t call out the bullshit. (I DON’T SWEAT TOXINS.) I can’t allow myself an authentic emotional response like boredom or irritation. No, I’m trying to appear rapt with interest so as not to hurt her feelings.

I paid $56 for some kind of seaweed shit.

Happy New Year, I’m still a chump.

Going to work on those insufferable qualities and my boundaries some more. How about you?

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • I am pretty good with rejecting sales pitches whether its telemarketers, Mormon’s trying to save my eternal soul, brokers trying to get me to invest in something, and especially folks trying to sell me “Natural” products.

      Natural? Oh yeah? Cyanide is natural, arsenic is natural. That doesn’t mean I want to ingest the crap or rub it all over myself.

      What I am absolutely no-good, very-bad at is screening-out women who are bad for me in my most intimate relationships. In fact, I am so bad at it, I have done just about the opposite: rejected perfectly nice women out-of-hand, and latched right in on the most toxic partners I could manage, and I have done this most of my adult life.

      There is a problem here, no doubt. And it is me. And that is part of the reason my boundaries are so gosh darned firm now that they are walls, and me and my two dogs are safely happy behind those walls.

      Sometimes I feel guilty, though, that I am about as happy as I have ever been right now. Que sara, sara though, right?

      • Time heals – it sounds like you are attracted to “Histronic” women. This is a type of narc – personality disorder. Google Cluster B and just go from there.

        I am that nice girl. Cute, athletic and fun to be with ( I hope ).
        Chumpy as hell. Would give anyone my last penny and the shirt off my back type.

        Great guys who I would love to date often ignore me or toss me to the side ( dating sucks rocks ) for these type of women.

        And these women treat them like dirt! And me being the “friend” gets to hear all about it while they grovel and pine.

        You just need to fix your picker.
        I need to fix mine too.

        But don’t give up on ALL women – just run like a cut cat from the wrong ones!!!

  • I am going to get better at saying NO!!!! And stop saying sorry. Move soon and take care of and with just me and my dogs. And try to be as unchumpy as possible. And enjoying the hell out of the ex being the chump now, doesn’t want to lose that whore juice money!!! He was the boss now she is! Hahahahaha!

  • Hey, get out of my head, CL!!!!! 🙂 Man, that was freaky seeing something so like my internal chumpy narrative happening in someone else’s mind. We need a chump deprogramming inpatient program.

    • OMG so similar here too :)!!! A chump deprogramming inpatient program? Sign me up!

      Happy New Year CL and CN, and thank you, all the comments and stories shared so generously on this site have saved my sanity, I can’t wait for the new CL book this spring!

      • I smell career opportunity! A full week’s retreat where chump participants are subjected to telemarketers, girl scouts selling cookies (don’t the boxes seem to get smaller every year?), people peddling dubious charity requests at stop lights, sparkly but undesirable romantic partners, schoolchildren peddling magazines that you will never read….and the chumps must learn to say NO (okay–No, thank you, since we are chumps). If they waiver, small shocks (only 45 volts) will be administered. The faster they get at saying no, the greater the reinforcement (Cinnabons? a glass of champagne? 15 minutes peace to relax with a magazine?).

        Within a week, every participant would have healthy boundaries, or your money back.

        • I still like driving up in the mystery van , full costume, intervention. Maybe the retreat can be the second part of treatment! We can leave a brochure!

          • Absolutely! The mystery van, full-costume intervention is for right after D-day (to prevent the chump making stupid mistakes about wreckonciliation or bad financial decisions–Acute care); the retreat is post-leave-a-cheater, for self-care & rehabilitation.

        • I’m in, Tempest, I would LOVE a week-long retreat/seminar ChumpCampWeek– Summer Camp for Adults!!!!
          Workshops/Sessions to include (but not limited to)

          -STD’s and you- what your cheater won’t tell you
          -Financial Stability Post-Cheater
          Fixing Your Picker
          -“Test” dates- Mixers with dating coaches in your ear, literally
          -Pep Rallies – Go Chumps, GO!
          -Mentoring/Big Chump, Little Chump Program
          -Handling Co-Parent with your cheater/Narcs

          Anything else?????

        • Problem is though, after constant pushyness and other bullshit all day, I’d probably punch someone in the face after a while. If its one thing I cannot stand, its people who just ignore your ‘no thanks’.

  • I dunno CL, the first Chump move was getting talked into a cruise when you know you get sea sick…LOL. I don’t suffer from this type of chumpiness, I have no problem cutting off sales pitches. My first issue to fix may not be really fixable; it’s when contractors start threatening to sue me if I don’t pay for the job they didn’t do properly. I hear the word court and the PTSD just knocks me down. My new rule is not to do these transactions without a friend with me from now on. My second issue to work on; stop revealing my vulnerabilities to the wrong people, and/or too soon to people who may end up being the right people. This last is really weird for me, most of my life I’ve been very private, I did not share easily. The shit that went down with Saddam seems to have rewired me, or maybe the EMDR therapy. Now I share too damn much too soon and it’s driving me batshit. I need some strategies to stop this crap.

    Happy New Year ya’ll!!

    • If she’s around, I put my 5 year old niece on the phone when I get sales calls. I’ve recorded a few and they are hilarious!!!

      • When the church ladies with pamphlets come to my door I answer it naked. Come to think of it they haven’t been by this year, wonder why?

        • I used to do that with my “telephone-challenged” son when he was little, Chumptastic! When a telemarketer called I would hand over the phone and let him rip with the only reply he knew: “Hewwo?” No matter how many times they’d ask for one of his parents he’d just keep saying “Hewwo?” until it escalated to “HEWWO?!!” and they finally hung up. Easier than me getting on the phone and simply saying, “No.” Will also be working on that in 2016!

          • My mother used to answer the door to the church ladies/young men on mission with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Once she saw them walking to the door, she’d pop the top and light up. 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning, even. They never stayed long. I guess she appeared beyond redemption even before she opened her mouth.

            • Survivor – I would have loved your mom!! That is fantastic!! Wish could make stbx run for the hills that instantaneously!

            • I’m not religious but I am polite to them. For awhile people came to my door on Sunday mornings at six o’clock. I was nice and repeatedly asked them not to come. After the fourth time I sent out the German Shepard and if you know gs dogs they are extremely protective. He is at the bridge now but even with a bad leg that dog made it 400 feet to the gate before the guy got out of his car. The dog sat down and stared the guy down didn’t make a sound. I followed up to the gate within about 20 feet. The dog just sat. I told the man please I asked you not to come here anymore but he insisted he must come in and counsel me. Sigh! He walked over to the gate. Dog still sat and just stared. I said well if that dog let’s you in this yard I guess you can talk to me. He started to open the gate and my baby boy turned into a raging, drooling, bared teeth mess, snarling and growling. One second beautiful angel next second looked like he had rabies. That’s my boy. The guy couldn’t leave fast enough. Hahahahaha! Dog sat down and stared him down again til he got back in his car. My Shep was well trained. Don’t try to come in his yard unless mommy told him its OK boy. Most loving loyal companion I have ever known. He snarled off a cop, roofer and siding guy. Too bad I couldn’t get him to snarl on the phone!

              • I love that Kar Marie! What a great story. I had a dog like that too years ago. Now I’ve got six very large dogs so people coming to my door arent really an issue. They walk up, hear the mass barking, see all the different faces appear in the window and back slowly away. As for telephone solicitations, I’ve learned my lesson there too. After one group I donated to started calling me constantly wanting money I simply don’t answer the phone unless I recognize the number. Numbers I don’t know who call frequently get blocked.

          • I just tell them that I am Buddhist, and no I don’t want to discuss the differences. Works every time. No, I am not actually Buddhist, but I vary the religion. Taoist, Zorastian, Wiccan, Hindu…. Buddhist seems to work the best for missionary repellent.

        • LOL Dat! Last time Jehovah Witnesses came to the door I’d literally just read the last page of a book called ‘Stalking The Wild Pendulum’ (I only vaguely remember it now – but I’m sure it was some mad theory that took Shrodinger’s Cat and other pop quantum physics and used it all to prove that God existed) – so (probably to their initial innocent delight) I was all for them coming in to discuss with me what I’d just read. They left (eventually) with rather confused smiles and promises to return next week, but never did …… hahaha! My sadly disordered first husband (mad as a bag of fish to be sure, but did have a great sense of humour) told me I’d ‘Out-weirded the weirdos’!

          Just to be clear, I’ve nothing against Jehovah Witnesses – in fact, one of the nicest people I ever met was a JW.

          Don’t worry about over-sharing Dat. Crikey this blog and CN would look entirely different if ‘over-sharing’ was a vice we should make New Year’s Resolutions about, wouldn’t it? Never mind how different it would look if you didn’t share with us with you own unique voice!

          Wishing you (and everyone else) a most perfect, prosperous and peaceful 2016!

          xx

    • Dat–I am SOOO with you on your second issue—stop sharing my vulnerability. You expressed exactly what I was telling myself yesterday. I recently got into a dating relationship with a fellow. On first meeting, I spilled too much. At the time he came across so understanding, caring, empathetic–you get it, just want I was looking for.

      Nope, turns out I was just what the latest NARC in my life was looking for….

      Cut to the end of this story……after being pressured in many ways (ie: to see him way more than I wanted to for one), I inadvertently clicked on OkCupid when I meant to click on “Okie….”. Ooops, there he as trawling for women. We had agreed to close our profiles because we were going to do the ‘exclusive’……BAM! Instant PTSD recurrence. Brain fog, anxiety…..so familiar. So unfun.

      After gathering myself, I unceremoniously dismissed him the following day.

      He then told me I had been ’emotionally unavailable’ and he had sensed I would remain that way. (We had only been seeing each other 7 weeks for criminey’s sake!!.) A few days later, he circled back around for another bite at the apple.

      Nope. Bye, Felipe!

      I realise that though I set boundaries (obviously more so in my mind rather than adhering to them).
      I spackled and ignored….because he seemed to be offering what I want in my life but upon close reflection, he was just all about HIM HIM HIM.

      Gotta keep my mouth closed, my boundaries firm and keep the lid on the spackle tightly sealed!

      • Hesstthecurb

        The guy I’m seeing knows nothing. I’ll talk about my interests and his but truthfully I’m not interested in pouring out my story to anyone I decide to date. Interesting after seven weeks he shows himself calling you emotionally unavailable. Asshole.

    • Dat
      Yes. I too will stop showing my vulnerabilities. I will stop saying just and sorry. I will say no without remorse. I am not vulnerable to outside sales people and hang up with a clear conscience. My problem is with my family. All of them. When they aren’t angry or manipulative they are jealous. I will not let their insecurities move me to anger. I will continue in knowing who I am and be proud of it. Fuck em if they don’t like it!

      • Hell yes, stop saying “sorry”. I learned in a communications course 30 years ago to avoid that word. Especially important at work, you don’t hear men saying “I’m sorry” at work very often. We need to rein in “sorry”!!!! We often apologize for crap we have no control over and in so doing it gives the other person a very wrong impression. I’m not SORRY! 🙂

        • …. Gawd ‘elp me… but I’m a woman and I’m English. If I give up saying ‘Sorry’ I’ll only have the weather to talk about!

            • LOL, TEO is Canadian by birth, and he NEVER says “sorry”, but I said it all the time!!!! I would say sorry for the dumbest shit with him, yes, even the weather!!!! Now? I make a conscious effort to not say sorry, but it’s still hard.

        • The man I’ve been dating for the past couple of years got me out of the habit of apologizing for everything. It’s amazing to realize that I used to say “I’m sorry all the time.” I don’t say it much any more. I also used to believe I was a nice person, but now I don’t think so. I’m just a normal person who’s nice sometimes and not nice other times. Being considered “nice” isn’t the most important thing to me any more.

      • Asshat helped me with sorry. Example: If I missed the rare call or text, I’d apologize and give the reason – my phone was dead, etc. He usually waits days or ignores me altogether, sans ‘sorry’ or excuse. It was an easy habit to break with him. Applying it across the board is more difficult, but worth it as I realize ‘sorry’ sucks my energy and I feel weak in character. Funny how that works.

        • What is it with us saying “sorry” all the time? I do this too. Friends and family members have pointed it out to me. It’s almost like a relax.. Feeling kind I have to apologize for everything. Little things that aren’t even my fault. It wasn’t until after several months of not living with stbx narc ass that I thinks it because he blamed every little and big thing that went wrong in s given day on me. It was t true it wasn’t rational bought in some level I believed it. He does the same to our young adult kids. When does that chump Deprogramming camp start and where can I sign up me and my juds?

          • Start with biting your tongue when “sorry” wants to pop out! Seriously, I almost never say that word any longer, it is now used when I have actually done something I should be sorry for. I mean, so you do this really nice thing for someone but you were not able to do it exactly perfectly. So when you get thanked you respond “you are welcome” or “no problem”. Do not respond, “you are welcome, sorry I couldn’t do xyz to make it even better”. This is a thing women do all the time, stop it!

  • It gets better, it really does! I’m still chumpy – I bought a gift for a “friend” while I was on vacation, and I realized that I didn’t really want her in my life anymore (lousy values, hers, not mine). So, I kept the gift for myself. 🙂

    In 2016, I will continue to speak the truth in a kind but firm manner. I will get better and better in spotting people who don’t value me. I don’t care if we have been “friends” for years nor do I care if you’re a blood relative. I am done with users.

    Tracy, I’ve been on a lot of cruises (with cheater ex) and I actually enjoyed them until I didn’t. Have you ever tried Thai massage – the authentic, reputable ones (not on cruise ships)? It’s quite the experience. Very good experience.

  • I admire your bravery for going on a cruise. Those floating norovirus micro hotels terrify me. Claustrophobic spaces, hoards of people-chattel, waves of nausea and the cruise industry’s very special breed of “entertainment”. Add to all that the real possibility of a Titanic episode or a Carnival Triumph and you’ve got the perfect recipe for canned misery.

    Purchasing that poor captive’s…oops I mean Employee’s…seaweed snake oil was likely an act of charity, not chumpedness.

    Here’s to dry land! Cheers and Happy New Year!

    • I was forever put off cruises when on Mykonos years ago, and a string of tourists with badges were following their leader with a flag through the town for their 2 hour “visit” to Mykonos. All I could think was “lemmings.”

  • First, I am always amazed that anyone would go out on the ocean with no land in sight, so kudos for that! Second, don’t ever get a spa treatment from anyone in this country unless you fully research what you are in for. Third, the first world guilt never leaves and I still buy crap I have no use for, nor any intention to use. My 2 pesos. I am also still a chump in many ways.

  • My resolution is to approach 2016 with an open heart, mind and fearlessness. I refuse to be bitter. I will not see the world as a bad place because of what happened. I refuse to let the last decade sully my next. I won’t throw any more good after bad.

    I’m going to put on some heels, continue therapy, go out into the world alone, meet new people, and build a life.

  • For those of you with access to Netflix, watch Andy Stanley’s Starting over. Tuned it in yesterday and its only 4-half hour sessions. But good stuff.

    Own you stuff. What part did I play in the debacle that became my marriage. i didn’t learn my Codependant mantra. Don’t abandon myself. Put me within a 18 inches of a guy, and I put him first and forget my own needs. So that was my major part in the mess. I think…

    But other than that, the show gives some good perspective. Basically you have to strip off the old layers to not carry that crap into your new life. Good advice given in a positive way. So I am going to be refinishing ‘me’ so I don’t drag this crap around.

    • Hi SBG – Like you, I am taking ownership of my stuff. Not that cheating and all his crazy mindfucks were mine to own, but that I thought so little of myself to stay three years after DDay, while he continued to sleep on the couch and refuse therapy, is all mine.

      I’m still early on in the processing phase so I’ve been thinking a lot about this. My gut told me something was off pretty early on. But he was so charming and accomplished, and I was so eager to believe the lies and stories, that I ignored it. This amazing guy like little old me! I was six months single and felt like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink.

      It started with little things – not wanting me to meet certain friends, emotionally detached sex, not showing up to pick me up from the airport after I’d been gone six weeks, etc.

      If I really had to be honest with myself, probably our second or third week of dating, when during a phone conversation he slipped in that he’d once in college received anonymous oral sex from a transsexual, should have sent me running for the hills. But I just figured he’s very open-minded, extra liberal, and worldly. And he was so handsome, successful and popular that he just had to be normal – or so I thought.

      That conversation was in the context of being totally honest with each other about everything, so I felt somehow that he’d shared a deep, intimate secret, and that I had nothing to worry about because he took the risk to tell me something I could have rejected him for. I felt honoured that he shared and a false sense of security.

      Anyway, now I know better. Live and learn. I’ll own how I treated myself but I won’t let it take over my life with negativity and fear.

      • OMG. He gave you the test.

        I read about the disordered testing the boundaries of their mark in this way. In the name of sharing or being open, they will tell you some outrageous thing or say something inappropriate and watch your response. Do you head for the hills or do you spackle? If you spackle they know you will be game for their manipulations.

        My XWH did this to me also early on while we dated. I actually had him repeat himself because I didn’t think I understood what he actually said. He repeated. I spackled. He seemed so nice. Surely getting stabbed by an ex girlfriend because he got caught cheating wasn’t a reflection on him!

        Then I read that article and I realized that he had tested me, and he found out that I had an unending supply of spackle.

        He did it a handful more times that I am fully aware of before we married. Once he asked me if I would pee on him, it was hot and sexy. I should have jumped up and ran for the hills. But no, I laid there looked at him and applied more spackle.

        • Thanks for this, ThatGirl. The idea of “the test” makes a lot of sense to me, and oh how I wish I could go back and do a make-up exam! In my case, I got “I really want to explore my sexuality” in the first month of dating (I found out the chumpy way what that actually meant). This comment, along with the fact that his first ‘gift’ to me was a porn DVD, should’ve clued me in. But no, I focused on all the other “perfect” qualities he had, and somehow I felt I needed to prove how open-minded and groovy I was.

          Live and learn.

      • Sad in Seattle, you have described exactly what I’ve been grappling with…I knew he was a freak, I just didn’t know how weird that was (or that I could say, “Not okay”) – I just thought we shared an intimate moment(s) and there was an “open-minded” quality to the depravity.

    • “What part did I play in the debacle that became my marriage.” It’s good to own that, but please always remember to distinguish between marriage problems and cheating. You may have contributed to the bad marriage, but you did not cause the cheating.

      • Thanks, Carmella, that’s a good reminder. My therapist says the same thing. I absolutely do not think I contributed to a bad marriage. I refuse to wear that. There wasn’t a marriage to contribute to, considering the lies and cheating started before we were even married.

        What I’m talking about is taking responsibility for how my choices hurt me – choosing to spackle, to accept his bullshit, to pretzel my values, to be OK with being treated as less than. That’s what I need to understand and take ownership for so next time I don’t make the same mistakes.

        The marriage failure – all on him. Period.

      • Or like most chumps you may have been a devoted, loving spouse that just put up with too much crap. Being self-less, forgiving and accepting does not contribute to a bad marriage, it is just not treating yourself with self respect when it is not reciprocated. One spouse and one spouse only can make it a bad marriage because they just don’t care about anyone but themselves and there is no room for chronic selfishness in a marriage. One way to stop being a chump is to see yourself for the kind, loving, giving person you probably are and to not own anything that the abuser said about you.

        • That was me, Nicole, always hoping for the best, or at least better, from him.

          He was a selfish, entitled, lying asshole the whole time but I had no idea until it all came out in 2012.

          No genuine remorse for the destruction he wreaked on our lives or mine post DDay. Just rage about my ‘trust issues’ and his right to privacy, and on and on.

          Happy 2016 to the OW – being his new target will turn from amazing to hell in about six months!

          • I hear you Sad. The OW was just the tip of the iceberg in my case. After Dday I slowly discovered mountains of secret debt he had been hiding for many years, the IRS was after us (surprise!) and it looks like we are going to lose our house. I think I’ve also discovered other short affairs during our 20 year marriag and I’ve learned of monstrous behavior toward some of my family. All the while, I was the loving spouse who was working 30 hours a week, helping at my kids’ schools, cooking, cleaning, budgeting, couponing and volunteering at our church. I was lucky to get new clothes while he was racking up tens of thousands of dollars in debt for whatever his heart desired. Together we made very good money but sometimes there wasn’t enough money in our account to buy groceries. When I asked him about it, he would always blame it on a bad investment and I believed him and trusted him. I took chumpdom (or should I say chumpdumb) to a whole new level. Good news is I’ve learned a lot. I do not think I’m cynical but I’m definitely skeptical of everything and I can spot abusive behavior from a mile away.

          • Sad I could have written what you wrote- the raging about privacy and the blaming me for trust issues, all while he was cheating.

            These people are so effed up.

    • Thanks for the tip! I am enjoying this. I did not take my best advice…Trust your gut. “Time is my friend”. Good way to start off 2016.

  • Oh boy does this one hit home for me….like you CL, besides the obvious lack of boundaries with stbx, I have more oils, vacuums (look at all the gunk we removed from your carpet!! That we PUT IN THE CANISTER AHEAD OF TIME!), “free” vacations, etc than I can count. I’m also the person who signs up for a massage, but then instructs the tiny asian lady to “just do my face and arms” like my entire midwestern corn fed body would be too much territory to cover – keep it small sweet asian lady….. Perhaps getting through this divorce without losing everything to ‘self-employed’ cheater asshat, making sure my kid gets into college despite his falling grades, keeping my stressful job…maybe I should focus more on that. My NO game is gonna get stronger. Starting right after I bake the 4 dozen cookies I promised to the lady next door for her new years day party that I didn’t get invited to….

        • Exactly, Idlehands. This could be your first exercise in boundaries, Chumptastic. And when she asks why you don’t have her cookies, just say, “Sorry. Got busy and didn’t have the time.” How many times have we heard that in our own lives? People say it every day. That’s a reasonable answer. DO NOT spend the day baking cookies spiked with resentment.

    • Agree with idle. Don’t do the cookies. No way you should prepare food for a party you are not invited to. There not a friend but an abuser. Better off telling them to puss off!

    • I’d really like to know why you agreed to do these cookies? If she isn’t paying you for the cookies then call her right now and tell her something came up that’s way more important than making cookies for a party you are not invited to. Yes, be that blunt. If she asks what could it be or gets all up in your grill in any way just say “sorry, gotta run” and hang up.

    • I can’t believe someone asked you to make cookies for a party they did not invite you to! On second thought, I totally believe it after reading everything I’ve read here! You could forget to make the cookies, and if she ever says anything, you could remind her that she “forgot” invite you to her party!

      • Happy New Year Northern Light. I hope life is treating you kind and that 2016 will be full of happiness, peace and love for you xxx

    • Okay. we need to hear more on this neighbor? Why in heaven’s name would this woman ask you to bake cookies for her party? What else have you done for her that was not reciprocated? CN Chump therapy BEGINS with examining this first thing.

  • I’m setting my boundaries hard. Already put it into practice a couple of days before the end of the year. Oh, and the requisite ‘get my ass in better shape’. 🙂

    • Happy New Year Nord. Best wishes to you for a peaceful, joy-filled, loving 2016 – that plus a bum of startling ‘rippedness’ 😉 xxx

  • I resolve to make 5 new friends, treat myself well and go completely gray rock to all people who lack integrity that I am required to deal with for whatever reason.

    • I’ve kicked every one who jumped on ex’s side including some of MY lifelong friends. And most of my family who irritate annoy me or try to make ME feel bad including my own mother except for twice a year. She loves laying on the guilt. And gives really bad advice. It is really so freeing. I’ve got my daughter who refuses to take sides and dear old dad is pissed she didn’t jump on his side. Asshole! And she tolerates the whore but hates her. From now on I only want people who care about me for being me. Fuck everyone else who doesn’t want to let me be myself and live my life the way I want to. Including the asswipe who still thinks he has influence. Again asshole!

  • At the grand old age of 64 (in 2 weeks), I am going to stop putting myself down and thinking that I am rubbish. Life long conditioning will do that for you. Also, I am no longer going to look at the happy snaps of my 63 year old ex husband with his arms around his 23 year old tramp and her sons. The latest one is on New Year’s Eve and he looks a lot older than he is which made me sad but he looks happy. I am done now and I have seen enough to get on with it once and for all. He is all hers now and I will be making the most of the time I have left.

    • Maree, I dumped social media altogether. I am SO much happier not seeing and reading crap about my ex!! Even with blocking and privacy settings set to the max it still managed to sneak through and would set me in a foul mood. Stay positive! You are free of that dirty old scumbag!!! Unload the rubbish he filled your head with!!!

    • Maree, one question you might ask yourself. Why does he feel the need to post pictures of himself and the barely legal honey? Paradise migh not be quite as heavenly as he imagined. Btw, I have a heathen friend who said she thinks social media is/are? the antichrist.
      At 64 you are barely getting started. Take tap dancing. My 70 year old cousin-in-law does.

    • Maree, cut out the social media altogether. You’ll be far better for it. 🙂
      I don’t have a social media account at all – its just a kibble fuckfest really. I’ve got better things to do with my time than to post every aspect of my day to day life in a desperate sparkle-pick-me-dance trying to outdo others.

      • Hi Lania. The only thing I am on is this site. I am not the cleverest person in the world when it comes to IT skills. A friend of mine sent me the photo(s) of Romeo and the Tramp et al. I know if I had a social media account the ex’s reputation would be shot and so would mine!! It is best I remain ignorant. xo

        • Maree, just tell that friend “I’m not interested in what my ex husband and his 2 dollar whore are doing – if you show me another photo of them, it shows me plain as day that you don’t give a fuck for my wishes and thus the friendship will be over.”

    • Maree – delighted to hear you are going to stop believing the put downs, and more delighted to hear you are going to stop being one of the voices who put you down. Yay!!!! Good for you, at last! 😀 Here’s to a most wonderful, happy, peaceful and loving 2016 to you! xxx

  • I’m still doing the whole introspective thing to a certain degree. Still working on setting inpenetrable boundaries. But my real resolution is to paint and furnish my home (used to be ours) they way I want it. In 33 years of marriage, it was always done his way. No longer! Bright colors here I come!

    • Good for you! Yes! We are FREE to do it our way now! The day after asshat moved out I reclaimed the room he used as his office, and his infidelity base of operations. We removed every item he had attached to the walls with a staple gun. It was like clearing out after a teenage redneck trailer park rental tenant. It took hours to dig out hundreds of staples embedded into the wall. We repaired all the wall damage and returned them to pristine condition then painted them a beautiful purple color. We converted it into an art studio for my daughter with a gorgeous new drafting table, cozy nooks to curl up and read and filled the space with comfort and joy!

  • You are a brave woman, Tracy. A cruise is my idea of the seventh circle of hell. Stuck on a floating Petri dish with a bunch of drunks, standing in line for EVERYTHING (usually with Earl’s beer gut pushing you forward), and all those people breathing on you? Eewwww! I’m so Misanthropic I have to get hammered to go to the drug store. I recently bought a bracelet that is engraved with “Miss Ann Thrope” – my new name!

    When you described the seaweed sales pitch I realized I am still a chump in many regards. But not when it comes to toxic sweat. Never bought that one either!

    To all chumps in Chump Nation – Happy New Year! Wishing you a douche-free 2016!!!!

  • I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions but I have made some huge changes in my life in the past year, and more that are about to happen. While I continue to work on those (mainly changing my whole business model, as well as location, of my business in two weeks), I have a few promises I’m making to myself: (1) be less chumpy with switzerland former “friends” and stop caring what they think, whether they are still friends with cheater, and to realize that if they were MY friends their actions would have shown that by now… (2) continue to heal and build a new life, new friends, new activities and stronger relationships with my kids and those who have shown they get it and they’ve got my back, while also still accepting and allowing myself to grieve while I heal, (3) continue to show compassion to others because I meet people every day who have some sadness or burden, and to do what I can to help them. Happy New Year!

    • Muse – it was a big year 2015 and you have come a long way. You have such insight and compassion and you have gotten stronger and stronger as the year progressed. ‘while also still accepting and allowing myself to grieve while I heal, ‘ …. see what I mean? Big compassion and insight right there!

      May 2016 bring you all the peace and joy your heart can take 🙂 xxxx

  • Another person who has similar notions of Sea Cruises! For the love of whomever you choose to worship, it’s a freaking floating bar. 5k people. Random strangers locked on a floating bar until you get to Port. The Love Boat it is not!

    For many many years this was the desired family vacation pinnacle (from the Cheater). I stuck to my boundaries. Boat trips are to get to a destination, an overnighter or 18hr floating cab ride. Then you get off at your destination. You see, cheater and MOW loved the notion of secretly hooking up on a floating barge, unbeknownst to their respective spouses or families.

    I stood my ground and still say no way to the floating E. coli Love Boat. On top of that, 4 kids randomly running all over a floating condo complex? At sea, assaults do not have to be reported. It’s open territory without actual laws or boundaries. Yuck.

    Anyhow enough rambling. No resolutions, just the firm resolve to heal and be whole. Best Wishes to you all!

    • At sea, assaults do not have to be reported? Does that include pushing someone overboard followed by shark chum? Damn. Wish someone had told me this so I could have booked a reconciliation (wink) cruise right after D-day with now-X.

          • Without giving away my whole diabolical plan…. I have been attempting to orchestrate a freak moose accident involving an overly amorous moose and Asshat. I don’t care if it is a simple Asshat-napping incident or a full-on moose assault 😉

            • Would Asshat wear a Moosehat and take a walk in the forrest??? You could spray it with moose pheromones…

              • This vision you describe makes me laugh. ☺️
                Could chumpy Elf’s asshat be on all fours? Wearing said moose hat with moose pheromones sprayed on his ass? ?

      • They are simply “missing”. Haha.

        Nope stuff like that does not have to be reported by the cruise line to any govt. it’s usually the victim or their families that push for some sort of justice.

  • I am not a chump but I was pretty co-dependent for years. (I hate that term). What changed me was my new job. All of a sudden I was thrown into dealing with court, cops, lawyers and lying liars who lied. Boy did I learn to use “NO”. It has been the most freeing thing I have done. My marriage improved. I stopped putting up with shit at work. I dumped a truly toxic “friend”.
    I was in Wally World the other day getting help for an item I bought when the line of buyers got too long for the poor sales person. He was caught between me, who had already parted with my money, and those people with nice shiney credit cards. He excused himself to wait on them. He got a loud NO from me and we got the problem solved. I hate that store but I got the problem fixed. I promise I did not make those poor people wait a long time. My hope for the new year is that I don’t have to use NO often but I will if needed.
    CL you have gathered the most articulate group of people here. It saddens me that this much loyalty, devotion, and caring were wasted on horse turds. I hope all of you have New Years free from unhappiness and that your exes get giant boils all over their bodies.

      • Me, too. I’m afraid I oversteer from chumpy to bitchy. People knocking at my door to sell me stuff? “Go away.” No niceties! I’ll work on that. But I think I still prefer it to chumpy.

  • I claim to be an extrovert yet my current project Im trying to hatch (call it a resolution) is a trip to Paris this winter ALONE during which I will conduct a multi day tour of the Louvre ALONE hopefully during a time when skittish tourists are too alarmed from the terror attacks and martial law to want to join me. Im not scared, it’s been pre-disastered. I once hired a baby sitter who had accidentally killed someone…the chances of that happening twice were miniscule.

    I loathe the idea of spas. I had one short massage once and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I color and cut my own hair. I recoil at the idea of someone stringing my eyebrows, clipping my toenails or (GASP!) waxing my delicate parts. I built myself a beautiful bathroom where I can care for myself in comfortable privacy complete with steam bath and his/hers showerheads (I want my water so hot it would scald my beloveds man parts).

    I went on a yacht cruise of the Aegean and was thrilled that I got neither seasickness nor norovirus, but one of my shipmates was a foodie who droned on about food (especially eggplant) until I thought I would shoot myself in the face. (Loosely quoting Frank Zappa) To me, talking about food is like dancing about architecture.

    • Even sans cheater, I too have had some super Chumpy traits…I was optimistic for decades that my parents would magically recover from their deep pathological narc tendencies..I stuck my head in that blender over and over and over…with things NEVER going well, but I still hoped !! Now that they are in their 70s (no matter that they spent their money on booze, cigarettes and sportscars while I had no tampons or toothpaste) they like to reflect on all the virtues they have convinced themselves that they had. Its nightmarish and my only chance at survival is a giant (huge, almost pathologic seeming) dose of “Meh”.

      • Boy can I relate to that! But not my Mom, just my Dad is a Narc. He is perfect, in his own mind, and I learned, after some frustrating conversations, that he will never see any human interaction correctly! Either someone is a creep who’s insulting him, or he’s gleefully talking about how other people failed at life. It’s completely negative. I now just nod my head, or change the subject to pets, because he’s quite old, and I just want him to stay calm.
        They don’t grow, or change.

        • My parents had this thing about thinking that “drugs” were the worst thing that disgusting social scum could do. It was made clear to me that if I ever did “dope” (not entirely sure which substance “dope” is) that I would be disowned – and they weren’t kidding. So my mom became a smoker & alcoholic so bad she couldnt/wouldnt hold a job on her best day while still insulting any of those “addicts” who did “drugs”. Destroyed is destroyed, addicted, is addicted, sick is sick, dementia is dementia, broke is broke no matter what your drug of choice was. But they are certain that they are MUCH better humans than those other people.

    • Well freakin’ said about the spa stuff, same mindset here. I find that people who do that spa shit excessively = narc.

    • Unicorn … re the eggplant obsessive …. reminded me of a ‘Half Man Half Biscuit’ lyric …. ‘I’d rather talk to plankton than to dance with you’ 🙂 There’s another line in the song, which is quite cruel but always makes me chuckle …. ‘I hope your plane back home’s a DC10 … woah oh woah oh woah’ 😀

      Hope life treats you kind in 2016 , all the best to you xxx

  • I was super chumpy in my youth, I guess still chumpy enough to not realize that people can be so deliberately deceiving. Thanks to X-hole this is a lesson that I will never forget. Other than being massively chumped by him I am pretty good at boundaries and saying “no”.

    As for the new year, I am getting on with what is left of my life. I bit the bullet and filed this past Wednesday, I will be handing him the papers on Sunday when I pick up my son (custody and child support, we were not married). I was still protecting him, even after everything he has done. No more.

    He CAN sit down with me and my attorney and mediate which would keep him from going to court and facing the consequences of his decade of tax issues and child support arrears, but we all know that “you can’t make me” mentality. He will lose if he goes to court so it makes no difference to me at all.

    The CHOICE to do the RIGHT thing is always available to these assholes, they KNOW the difference between right and wrong, they do not have the CAPACITY or DESIRE to do what is right….even if it means self destruction.

    I already know this will be a better year, last year was terrible. Here’s to being an awesome single Mom (round 2), a mid life student, an entrepreneur (hopefully lol) and living a disordered free and cheater free life.

    Happy New Year to everyone here in CN and to CL, I could not have successfully navigated the past year of my life without you all.

    Much much love and Meh to you all!! XOXO

  • The only place I found oeace on a cruise ship was the upper deck. Oh you don’t provide waitstaff there? Why wait in line for scrambled eggs when there’s room service? Yes, cruise shoos bring out flaws or personal preferences for sure.

    I find myself possessive of my time. I’m a giver. Yes slips out too frequently. I’m saying NO when it suits my needs. My flaw has always been to say yes and regret it later. Knowing myself and my own preferences allows me to say no without reservations. . When the ground shifts I recognize it immediately. Do onto others .. Sucks. I want reciprocal. That flaw of explaining myself to others gives my power away. No. More.

  • I am a full blown chump. I know this about myself. It is more helpful to acknowledge your boundary disability than to pretend it does not exist. Accepting our limitations is a good thing.

    I paid $65 for hair goop I cannot use. I knew I would not be able to use it and I bought it anyway. Why? Because 1/2 of the proceeds went to my hairdresser. Will I do it again? No.

    I consider it a donation to a good cause. It doesn’t happen nearly as much as it used to, but once in a while I slip.

    I am polite to telemarketers because it is the worst job in the world next to pushing shit through the sewer. I let them know I am not interested and wish them good luck on the next call. I know they have to do one hundred calls to get a yes or maybe from someone who really needs what they have to offer. It a job of rejection. They, too, are trying to make a living.

    My daughter’s husband’s sister is a legitimate massage therapist. She LOVES her job. She gets all sizes and shapes and LOVES her job. Relaxing people makes her feel like she’s accomplished her goal. She is not Asian. I am pretty sure race is not a factor in loving this job.

    I know some women who leave their children behind with a relative or husband to join a cruise ship because the money is better than on land. They still love their job, but they get a percentage off that seaweed extract. I will bet you having to sell the seaweed extract is the WORST part of the job. Chalk it up to a donation if you falter and buy it.

    As far as the cruise ship dreaded pirate voyage…I feel exactly the same way, CL. I avoid it like the plague. Smaller ships or boats, I may feel different. Floating condos? No thanks.

    I love people. I do not love over crowded situations.

    Thanks for confirming my deepest suspicion regarding cruise ships!

      • Thanks for calling me an angel, Tempest. I have been called many things and THAT is not one of them. HAW HAW HA HAW HA.

        This year I will work on:

        Putting God before my temper. I will blameshift that little problem onto my race that is KNOWN for being the fighting _ _ _ _.

        Saying, “No, thank you, but I appreciate you asking.” (this is how a chump gets get out of sea extract)

        Going on more adventures

        Drinking the right amount of margaritas

        My flying lessons

        Swearing

        Organizing

        Being more available to my friends outside my family

        Music

        Enjoying the moment

        Self honesty

        Courage for that honesty

        Clarity when I want to muddle the truth

        Mercy when I get clarity

        Happy New Year to the most wonderful group of people I have ever had the pleasure to meet on or off line. Anonymously otherwise.

        Now, let’s get out there and dance! Fuck the cheaters!!!! Oops, there goes that resolution.

        Cheers!

        • I interpreted the “Work on…Swearing” as a resolution to swear *more.* If so, you’re right on track!

          Happy new year, chumps!

              • Screw the bloody control group!! And while we’re at it we can check off “going on more adventures” by searching for the perfect margarita… and we’ll let CJ “organize” the adventures… we’ll be those “friends outside her family”… we can listen to “music” while we drink and “enjoy the moment!!” After she gets her pilot license perhaps CJ can fly us to various margarita locations… but that might limit her participation in the margarita consumption!! 😉

          • I was dating a guy and he told me his friends thought that I wasn’t good enough for him because I cursed (I was one of the few female diving medical officers in the freaking Navy and had to stand my ground with crusty old master chiefs so yeah I cursed.) I was incredulous because in my mind I was sort of doing the guy a favor dating him. I dumped him immediately. Like I needed to hang around a bunch of losers who thought I was a loser.

  • I’m really good at setting boundaries in my work life, I work with the mentally ill so its a necessity. In my personal life, not so much. I’m far too open and not nearly as cynical as I should be.

    So Thats one of my goals for this year, that, get divorced, do things that make me happy, heal myself and my son from Fat Bastard abuse, and live the most honest, authentic life I can.

    And CL- I love cruises, sorry you got seasick! I would have bought the seaweed crap too.

  • Hmmmm… a friend has given me a guest pass for a free massage at her massage therapist’s office. Now I’m starting to see (and be grateful for) the reason I have yet to call and make the appointment. I must rethink this. Thank you CL!

    • OMG, take the free massage! Massage is wonderful, CL has a block about it and even she enjoyed that part! Massage is divine if the person is any good, even a poor one is good if you can speak up when you don’t like what they are doing.

      • ugh – massages. I once had a ‘deep tissue’ massage after a day of hiking in the mountains. It hurt so damn bad! Did I say anything? Nope, chump that I am, I let her keep going. I walked out of there with a migraine headache. Never again. Same with pedicures. Had one once and got a freaking toe fungus that won’t go away. Never again.

      • Yes — go get the massage!!! It’s at a legit massage therapist’s office. It will be wonderful and so relaxing.

        • OH yes! I got a package deal and each of the 4 was something like 20% cheaper than a single.And I was guaranteed to make the appt and go. So worth it, esp if you have no partner. Human touch is so valuable.

              • The word ‘celebrity’ more often than not denotes ‘narcissist’ – so you’ve got a fuckwad of other baggage to worry about, that is if they aren’t cheating because OMFG I AM KING SHITHEAD, BOW BEFORE ME MORTALS.

              • So true; I just want a massage from one (as I’d rather gnaw my own arm off than date another narc).

            • Yes! My friends and I picked our “Christmas elf” and he was my pick. =) Perfect pick but his girlfriend is gorgeous…I don’t know that she will let him give us a massage. =)

  • I’m resolving to worry less. Right now, the snow is piling up, I’m at home sick while the kids are with the ex, and the guy who used to plow my driveway no longer does it (not sure why– he did it out of the goodness of his heart, and I would give him gift cards as a thank you, but if he’s not doing it anymore, I can’t really complain)… and I’m not worrying about it. So I might get stuck in my driveway if I try to pull out? Not the end of the world. My kids can help me shovel when they get back Sunday night. This is not how I usually think– I’ve made a second career out of worrying. I think that dumping my cheater ex and moving on with my life encouraged me to worry less, but it’s something that I always have to work on.

    Happy 2016, Chumps! May this be your mightiest year yet! 🙂

  • I’ve been working on a Cruise Ship. It was wonderful. I loved to be able to enjoy both what passengers have, and what the staff has, and all that for free. I would start my work at 6PM and stop around midnight, unless there were problems left. I was in charge of the TV network.

    It never occurred to me that there might be germs / viruses on the ship, why do you people have that thought ? To me it’s very very weird to be concerned about viruses in such a clean luxury place.

    I loved to see the pink horizon in the morning, and smell the sea perfume. I wondered whether I would spend years working like this, in the Caribbeans in the winter and the Mediterranean sea in the summer. For sure, it was better than Paris, or Ohio.

    The only thing that was annoying were… American passengers.
    I went on an excursion. They talked me into saying that I was underpaid. You know, just because I was working on the ship, in their minds I HAD to be exploited. In reality, I was making very good money. Then they suggested that the landscape must be so much better than where I live. They had no idea what variety of landscapes we have in France, it actually looked very much like Porquerolles. But hey, they never show Porquerolles on Fox News, right ? The rest of the time, they complained. Nothing was ever good enough.

    There were ridiculous signs everywhere for very obvious things: “mind your head”, “beware of the carpet”, “hair dryer gets hot”, and everytime an American would go up or down the boat, there were six people around to supervise and help. Because they were not only complaining constatly, but also trying to find ideas to sue the company !!! Any little fault would result in a lawsuit. A fat lady tripped on the carpet and it was laughable, she had so obviously done it on purpose.

    In the morning, there was a six meter long buffet of anything you wanted, croissants, pancakes, and all was delicious. But this man with a cowboy hat asked in a loud voice “DO YOU HAVE CHEERIOS ?”, and got mad because she ship was Italian and could not care less about fucking Cheerios.

    Also, I saw an obese man with a baseball cap approach a young islander, who was cutting coconuts, and did not speak English. The man literally screamed in his ear “ARE THESE ICE COLD ?”… moron… drinking ice cold is not good for you, and these coconuts had just came down from the tree. I spent the rest of the day with an islander, chatting on the beach, instead of queuing for hamburgers with the baseball caps.

    Wonderful memories.

    • Oh god – the “if they are foreign you must speak louder to them” crap? Just because someone doesn’t speak the same language as you, doesn’t mean that they are somehow less intelligent! For fucks sake!

      ChumpFromF: That other stuff is just pure ignorance, really. The same ignorance that drops out of most American mouths when they hear I’m from Australia – its always the same “Oh you guys have kangaroos in your backyard/I’ve always wanted to go there/I have a relative which lives there/Do you have boomerangs to hunt food/Do you have electricity/You live in a cave, right?/What about them drop bears?” 99% of the time its one of those lines which is said.
      My response to all of those ignorant one liners is to tell them about the scary drop bears and that the only way to prevent drop bear attacks is to smear Vegemite behind your ears, that we live in caves and our only form of communication is smoke signals. Quite a few believe it, too.

        • Yeah. The one which irks me the most is the pre-programmed “I’ve always wanted to go there” line. More often than not, they can’t even locate Australia on a world map, nor know ANYTHING about the country at all. I shit you not, one of my mum’s friends, a long time ago (was American) said “Australia? Isn’t that a country someplace near Greece?”

      • Rudeness, pushiness, and dumb behavior is not exclusive to Americans. I worked as a ski pass checker for a couple of years at a swanky Colorado resort and trust me– South Americans, Europeans, Brits, Aussies etc, all can be pushy and rude. Cutting in line, running into you because they are coming in to the lift “too hot” , running over our feet with skis, acting insolent when you have to wait ONE SECOND to locate their pass that is hidden in their pocket, or worse covered by their cell phone, credits cards etc that block the scanner, wanting to know why the snow is not good, complaining about the weather, wanting to know why lines are so long–endless complaints and stupid questions. Maybe it is attributes of the nouveau riche privileged classes–who knows. I live in a desert resort town now and we get seasonal snowbirds from Canada primarily and they are a bit pushy as well–my guess is its more to so with feeling superior financially.
        Since my cheating POS husband like to frequent Asian “massage” parlors for the happy ending and blow job and sex there is no way I could have done that.

    • Jeez, I guess we American’s really suck…eh? “Most” of us are ignorant, fat, rude and privileged? I’m so sorry to hear that you feel that way.

      • Come on guys this is a support forum. There are assholes in every country just as there are really good, kind people in every country. We all come here to lift each other up through very difficult times nit rip each other apart. Peace please

        • Indeed. However, the reputation that does go around that Americans are ignorant etc, sadly is true for a lot of cases, especially when they are being tourists. There are a lot of decent Americans out there, hell, you guys are! Just as much as there are ignorant Australians, ignorant French, ignorant Greenlandic people.
          Your response of ‘so sorry you feel that way’ does sound like a generic ‘non-apology’ that comes from people whenever anything negative tends to happen, its like the go-to phrase, whether they care or not. Apologies if it wasn’t.

          • You call out the “non-apology” of another and then add what sounds like a flip, half-assed one yourself. CL and CN isn’t the place for this American/tourist bashing shit. Although, if you have a WS who was an exceptionally assholey tourist, then by all means let it rip.

            • In fact, Chumpedupchik, I actually did have an ex who was an exceptionally arseholey tourist. And he was American. And yes, he was ignorant and arrogant – stuff which was red flags which only served to get worse. (In fact, if you really must know, I’ve dated two Americans in the past – both of whom were ignorant and arrogant).
              Someone who was supposedly well educated and when came here, loudly proclaimed that Australian education was ‘far lesser than American colleges’ – thats precisely why he failed every unit of study when he came here, right?

              There was other things which I despised as well – like assuming that everyone is religious and when they’re not, pulling the sanctiminious bullshit of “You are lower class because you don’t believe in the one true God”. In fact, this was one of the reasons in his gaslighting bullshit in the end – that he could never respect an athiest. I’m pretty sure an athiest has more cajones than to pretend his OW is his ‘cousin’ but thats just my $0.02. 🙂
              He said precisely what I said above with ‘one liners’ which plop out when they find out I’m Australian. More than half of them, in fact.

              I can assure you my apology was not ‘fake’. But people who go-to phrases which are the exact same, over and over and over, whenever negative happens, and being said rather quickly too, certainly is.
              If someone is being a jackarse, irrespective of nationality, I will call them out on it. In my particular case – its coloured by the above. So yes, I will ‘let it rip’ as you say.

      • I’d say those particular people she was referencing were pretty ignorant, fat, rude and privileged. Just because someone doesn’t speak the same language as you do, does NOT mean that they are somehow less intelligent, and deserve to be treated as such. In fact, there’s a fairly good chance they are smarter than you, especially if they are bilingual or more.
        Also, if you are on holidays, it also doesn’t give you the right to act like a jackarse to the locals.

  • I never felt comfortable getting my nails done or getting massages ( except for when a medical message was necessary for an injury ) and I never understood how grown man in suits could sit in those airport chairs and have other grown men shine their shoes without feeling like elitist terds. I tend to over tip my hairdresser and nail techs ( only get nails done for special occasions) cause I always feel bad they have to work on me. In my head it’s “who am I that this person should have to wash my hair or scrub my cuticles”
    My New Years resolution is to divorce the narc/asshole prick . I’m so sick of dealing with his chaos and his perception of control over me.
    I have harnessed the inner bitch in me I never knew I had and I’m worried I’m liking that part of me a little too much.? But damn it feels good to take no shit from that man. There’s a quote someone shared in Facebook that I love and it’s become my mantra … ” Do no harm but take no shit” words to live by ❤️

  • I feel the same way about cruises and massages. I don’t enjoy being stuck someplace with nowhere to go. And it’s crowded and the food really is awful. Even the Disney cruise sucked in my opinion. Stbx loved it. I just don’t get their draw to others.
    Things I want to accomplish in 2016
    Get the divorce finished
    say no when I don’t want to do something. Been doing really good with this.
    Find hobbies that I enjoy
    Make a couple of real new friends
    Explore a new career. Take the first steps even though I can’t change for a couple of more years.
    Get my oldest daughter started to college.
    Focus on making my relationships with my family stronger
    Contribute back to cl and cn. Couldn’t have made it this year without this community.

  • At least once a week, I resolve:
    -to eat from the good china and crystal
    -to dress outrageously
    -to wear large earrings
    -to block out my schedule for time with friend
    -to pay two people a compliment
    -to read more (now that my concentration is starting to return 1.25 years after D-day)
    -to play more tug of war with my dogs
    -to learn (and tell) a new joke

    • Paying people compliments can be SO FUN…especially women…we are all so hard on each other. They need to be quick complements so it doesn’t look like you have an agenda or you are weird. “you look SO cute in that dress, great color on you!!” “your hair is beautiful !” “that scarf is stunning!”
      bam then go…you will make their day

    • Tempest, I compliment people, both male and female all of the time. It isn’t difficult for me to do. I genuinely do make positive comments because I know that it lifts a person’s spirit, so that can only be good!! Also, beware of those large earrings because your ear lobes will grow long. I say that because our ears apparently never stop growing. I am not going to assist mine any further, so it is smaller earrings for me these days. 🙂

    • After Asshat leaves, I will unpack the china (it is something I have oddly been looking forward too!) but we do eat off Pillivuyt every day. LE has never broken a dish or cup so we only use the plastic IKEA plates for veggie snacks on the couch.

      When assembling some Playmobil mountain climber toys the other day, LE told me a knock-knock joke. (Shelby. Shelby who? Shelby comin’ round the mountain.)

      I have a reaction to any metal earrings except 24 (23) K and stainless steel. I bought several pairs of stainless earrings since D-Day and feel like half a human these days. Takes two seconds to out them on and, from a distance, I look more put together, lol.

    • Tempest, you got off to an incredible start in 2015 hosting a chumpfest with food, fun and frolic.

      I will attest to the BIG earrings Texas style.

      She’s a tall drink of water with earrings that go on forever!

      Fantabulous!

      • Rocking big earrings is cool! But please tempest no giant hole gauge big nuts and bolts type things some kids are wearing these days. We would have to do an intervention! ?

        • No, no,KMAloser–I promise no big nuts & bolts earrings. Feathers, giant peacocks, cascades of little bells for the holidays…I’m in.

            • … Haha! For such a long time I really fancied having a nose piercing … I think they look really sexy … right up until I saw a friend with a nose piercing and a very snotty cold… oh dear! 😀

  • I love massages I go every 6 weeks, but that’s only because my massage therapist gives me a deal of 2 1 hour massages for $90.00 – that’s close to what they charge for one so how on earth can I say no? I LOVE THEM. As for the seaweed extract, who knows. You might find that you really like the results. I hope so because for $56.00 – you could have had another massage!

    Happy New Year Tracy – and we are all still chumps from time to time. Like when we are cleaning up that 14 pizza afternoon mess. 🙂

  • I like New Years… Truth is , I like most Holidays. New Years for me is a time to reflect and reengage … Kinda like end of the year inventory. Almost a business model. What worked? What didnt? What do I need to cut back on? Who needs to get cut? And whats the plan for next year… Now that I am older and wiser? What can I contribute to my own life to make it more fulfilling? And how can I be a better person on the planet?
    I think its important to sit and reflect on what is really important in your life. We get so caught up in life that we forget to live. Really live. Not be passive recipients of life.
    I have a tradition. Every New Year I write down on a piece of paper a thought or feeling I want to let go. Its private and not meant to be shared… Just between me and the universe. I set it on fire. I watch it be consumed and turned to ash. It signifies to me an end and a change.
    My daughter participated this year. I watched her spirit lift as she watched whatever thougt or feeling she sacrificed to the fire. I dont know what it was but somehow that ritual gave her some power back. And I think thats really what is important… To know your worth.

  • K love that…. “Do no harm but take no shit” words to live by ❤️

    Beloved CL your fantastic wicked wit, intelligence, and insight are a daily inspiration! Thank you for creating this nation – Wishing everyone the best this New Year

  • This post reminded me of our last holiday as a couple. The cruise booked as a 50th birthday present to himself. It could have been amazing. It wasn’t. It was budget class, it was neon carpets and (very) narrow galleys. It was a tiny cabin with single beds, a micro shower and backed up toilets.

    Kind of a metaphor for our marriage really.

  • I used to be very polite with “telephonemarketers” now with the time & the BS sandwiches that I have to take in the daily basis, As soon They call in my “cellphone” I hung up. At first I felt bad but not anymore. Hopefully I will have the same sensation when I get my life… 2016 hugs & love to my CN

  • Ha, I thought I was the only one who had a teen son capable of inhaling a dozen frozen pizzas in less than 24 hours from purchase time.

    • Happy New Year GIO – I wish you love, joy, prosperity and peace – and a cornucopia of frozen pizzas for your freezer 😀 xxx

  • My resolution is to tell people to fuck off when deserved. Or, that their guilt is not my issue. I started yesterday. Wheee. Also told said friend that I still love her (I do), but having drawn a boundary, it it So Much Better.

    I love being a Bawdy old Bitch. It’s everything that gets trained out of us as little girls, and double if we are chumps.

    I am never rude–excessively polite, in fact. But truthful. Discerning. And when I am sure, definitive.

    Got nuthin to do with body fat, wrinkles, clean house or what-have-you. More like, clean living in my mind.

    So good. So good.

  • Yes, I agree with you, CL about cruise ships, cruises in general— went on one in my life-time, never again!!!!

    However, I love massages!!! Very relaxing and comforting for me, because never once did my ex-cheater ever rub my back, massage me in any way. I dated a guy once before him though that gave sensational back rubs/massages and I ran him off being chumpy…

    I was definitely chumpy back when I first met TEO, but definitely not now— lessons learned!!!

    However, last night for example, I tentatively made plans with a new person in my life that I like, but they seem to be a little too clingy for my taste- needing wayyyy too much attention and validation from me, but she is a good person— I see our friendship as an exercise in boundaries for me…

    anyway, ended up celebrating NYE with her and some other friends and had a good time after all… I would have stayed on the couch at home alone. Then, I thought back on the last 12 NYE’s with TEO and remembered how he would go out on his own and leave me home alone with my kids, and since he had our daughter, I was NOT going to spend NYE home alone again!!!! Like I said, I stayed sober and had a fun time.

    I don’t ever make resolutions/goals for the new year, not because I’m too “chumpy” to follow-through with them, but I’m such a procrastinator that I never make them on time, hahahahahahaaaa….

    That being said, I EXPECT 2016 to be kick-ass for me. I expect to have good relationships in 2016. I expect to be happy, healthy, and wiser than I was ever before.

    Happy New Year, Chumps!!!! May we all meet back here again in a year to celebrate our year of MEH-Mighty-ness!!!!

  • The biggest thing I need to work on as I move forward with my life without the snake is taking the time to make decisions that are really right for me.

    I’m reprogramming my brain from trying to please the snake, but I also need to avoid rebelliously doing the fuck-you-snake opposite just because I can.

    He may have been an over-the-top materialistic asshole snob, but that doesn’t mean I can’t like nice things. I just need to decide what nice things I really like as opposed to nice things that the snake liked to look good to outsiders, to feed his ego, to garner kibbles and so on.

    He liked my hair long. That doesn’t mean I’m going to go chop it off – I happen to like my hair on the longer side too.

    Getting dog number three definitely had a fuck-you-snake appeal, but it also happened to be the right decision for me.

    We didn’t spend 26 years together without having some things in common. I’m not going to throw out the good with the bad. I just need to know the difference. And I need to be patient with myself as I work through what I want for the rest of my life, because I have a shitload of deprogramming to do.

    I’ve already distanced myself from a couple of other toxic family members. I will continue to do so as I see fit – family or friends, if I see narc bullshit going on, buh-bye.

    As to the good people left in my life, I will work harder at letting them know I appreciate them. Those who didn’t hesitate to embrace me as I came out of the snake-induced isolation will forever have my gratitude.

    Meh is coming…. I can feel it. For now, I will allow my grief and anger to be channeled to the legal battle, to ensure I get every last penny coming to me, but once that is done, I will let go. MY life awaits…

    • Everything you’ve written here is where I want to be.

      I hate how petty and angry I feel. And so many triggers lately. And the thought that he’s happier. I feel unhinged. It’s not a raw ache anymore – it’s bitter and spiteful.

      • Roaring–how far out are you from D-day? And are you still dealing with mindfuckery from X/STBX? Those are factors in the “bitter and spiteful.” Although, just for the record–I’m fine with “bitter,” it’s an intelligent response to having a machete buried in your back. And the “spiteful” might just mean you have a strong sense of justice. “Cheater DESERVES to have volcano lava rain down upon his head, and here he is feeling happy and successful. Hmmph.” Those are both natural, and justifiable responses.

        Eventually, if you make even baby steps every week toward your own life, and keep NC, the amount of time occupied with lava-thoughts will be crowded out. But you don’t need to rush it; we all proceed toward self-care at our own pace.

        I can empathize with your pain; my X’s career has continued to take off (even though he deserves to be canned for sexual harassment), he moved into a million-dollar mansion with his new replacement GF and her kids, spent Thanksgiving in Puerto Vallarta. I’m pissed at the Karma bus for neglecting his deserved fate, but believe he, like most of these disordered cheaters (a) will eventually participate in his own downfall (karma bus may just be late), and (b) can never truly be happy; they crave the excitement of the “new” but have no mechanisms for maintaining relationships. Let your cheater’s fate unwind; don’t beat yourself up for a bitter bunny phase, and keep taking those steps forward, even if you sometimes go back.

        Hugs!

        • Standing Ovation for Tempest.

          ‘Bitter and spiteful’ are powerful words that most of us chumps have had thrown at us – and most of us have felt cowed (as we were meant to) by those words. well fuck that Roaring – you paid your dues for the ‘bitter bunny phase’ – or as I would prefer it to be known – ‘righteous anger and indignation phase’. I say, like that you care enough for yourself that you are outraged by the abuse and betrayal. Be kind to yourself – at this time in your life your righteous anger and indignation is really YOU being mighty for YOU. Eventually, (and that could be a long time yet – like grief, these are feelings that haven’t, and shouldn’t have, time-frames attached to them) of course your anger and pain will ease – in the mean time recognise you are perfectly entitled to how you feel – it is not inappropriate, it is not a character flaw.

          I wish you peace – even if that’s just the peace to feel suitably infuriated without being guilted out of it – for 2016 😉 Best wishes xxx

  • I know I’m in the minority here, but I love a good cruise. Operative word, “good.” There are so many bad ones out there, it pays to be choosy before you book. Do some research and read the reviews. If you don’t like overcrowding, don’t sail on a Monster of the Seas. If you don’t like 20-somethings puking in the elevators or onboard fires or breakdowns, don’t go Carnival. If you are prone to seasickness, book a cabin in the center of the ship where there is less movement and look into scopolamine patches or those little wrist bead things, and know that a cruise in the Caribbean is going to be much much smoother sailing than, say, Alaska. Different lines are known for different things, and ships can have very different levels of cleanliness, so check into that. The best price may not be the best option for you. And the planning can be half the fun.

    We like a smaller ship with a nice little balcony to enjoy a book and the view. We avoid cattle calls. We bring our own wine (some lines don’t allow that) and/or order a bottle of liquor to our cabin before we go. We carefully choose an itinerary. We are fans of room service, and shun Formal Nights, art auctions and jewelry sales. We go for R & R instead of “Broadway style” entertainment. We kick ass at bingo and play the cheap slots. And see a lot of sights without shlepping luggage from place to place. For 2016, we’ll visit Northern Europe. In the past we’ve seen the Caribbean, Panama Canal, Alaska, Mediterranean, Spain & Portugal, Canada and New England, all without illness or incident, so it can be done.

    • I’m with you. I love, love, LOVE cruises. It is one of the most inexpensive modes of international travel. And as far as danger, meh. It’s more dangerous to handle a shopping cart, eat at Chipotle, or get in a car than is is to go on a cruise ship.

      I took my 21 year old and 11 year old to Cozumel in November. We stayed on a windowless box for a week and nobody argued ONCE. For 900 bucks. I have also gone to Cancun, Jamaica and the Cayman Islands. Never a mishap. Wonderful food, amazing weather.

      On the other hand, I hate massages. It’s not the class dynamic. I’ve got a touch of the high functioning Autism/OCD and people I don’t know toughing me brings me more anxiety. I have gotten amazing spa days as gifts from my boss, and I prefer a nice haircut and mani pedi. The Manicurist always has to remind me to relax, and I’ve gone there for years!

      My goals for 2016 are pretty simple. Get my financial act together. Continue fixing up my house. Have genuine fun with people who like and appreciate me. Like and appreciate others. Be likable and appreciative to others. Be a good parent. That’s it.

      • Luz, I’m the same with massages, but hey, give me a good facial or wash my hair and I melt. Everyone is different about what they will share with total strangers.

  • My resolution last year was to save my marriage, so I think I’ll step away from the resolutions for now…

    I do find it kind of arbitrary, that this calendar day marks such an important end/beginning. Those happen for me at all different times, usually completely random, entirely unexpected times. In that sense, this past July 1 was my New Year’s Day, when I told him I was done. So I’m halfway thru the first year of the rest of my life. This day is just a cloudy day, except with black eyed peas for dinner, lol.

  • I don’t mind the cruise trips either. That being said, I avoid most of the bullshit. For example – people getting completely trashed off alcohol – I don’t drink at all. I avoid the art auction crap, the spa crap and any other crap which reeks of snobbery. The buffet line is perfectly fine for my average self as well!

    That being said though, I have a story from my last cruise trip about 3 years ago, which has me laughing even to this very day. Perfect example of ‘DON’T FUCKING TREAD ON ME’.
    Basically, I was watching a performance on board, and this woman tries to push in front of me, and crowding me out. I call her out on it, telling her to get out of the way and to stop shoving me. She says “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”
    Big mistake. My response was “I don’t care if you’re the Queen of England, you don’t get to shove me out of the way!”
    Then she goes off on a diatribe about how I ‘assaulted’ her and that shes going to get security on my arse and it will be ‘goodnight’ for me. I laughed in her face and told her “Thats fine. Go call them right now. I bet they will be amused at the fact that you’re spewing complete and utter bullshit. By the way – there is a security camera right behind us. They will see the footage of where YOU SHOVED ME FIRST. So please, go on. Call security on my arse. I’m waiting”
    She screamed some more random abuse, which was incoherent bullshit about how she was better than me, that security would arrest me, and so forth. I just laughed in her face and walked off (by then, the performance had ended). Random narc: 0, Lania: 1.

    • Excellent, Lania!

      The same thing happened to my brother with a famous celebrity/multi-millionaire in an airport security line. The guy cut my brother, who objected, and then shouted, “Do you know who I am?” My brother said, “Yeah, you’re the guy behind me.”

      • HAHAHAHA, yeah – just because you have more money does NOT give you the right to be an entitled jackarse. Your money means fuck-all to me – and probably makes you more of a prick than someone who doesn’t have that financial backing.
        No amount of money, ‘prestige’, ‘celebrity status’ or the like impresses me (nor your brother, it seems), and I’m sure it pisses their attention whore arses the fuck off.

    • Lania: Clap-clap-clap! Yay, good for you for standing up to her. God, I hate assholes!

      btw, I go to cruise art auctions just to get my 2 complimentary glasses of champagne. There’s no obligation to buy and sometimes the art is good enough to look at.

      • Yeah, you view it for the freebies, which is cool. I don’t drink, and I despise people who think they are high society for the champagne they are holding (y’know, those ‘art snobs’ – even though they aren’t merely restricted to art-related stuff?)
        I walked past the room which had some of the art on display on the last cruise, and frankly, 99% of the works were utter crap. In my spare time I do a bit of art stuff, my thought was ‘I could do better than that, but because I don’t see the need to whore my stuff out – it doesn’t make money – it’d be just for my own benefit to place in my own house’. And yet, people will pay hundreds, or thousands of dollars, for stuff that could take 30 seconds to splash on a canvas or looks like their pet dog painted it.

        • Haha! It was just cheap, but still drinkable champagne. The people who buy at cruise art auctions are overpaying for whatever they’re getting. If they really knew art, they wouldn’t be there at all. (I’m snobby in my belief that one cannot know or understand art unless they try to make art themselves). Maybe your avatar should be a photo of something you made! There are (and have been) many truly talented people who never got discovered .. and, conversely, many hacks who end up making millions. It’s so backwards.

          The cruise auctions included mini talks on art history which I enjoyed — and my friend and I were just merely killing time. Not really much to do while the ship is sailing except eat, sleep, attend the shows, workout at the gym (this I liked), walk around .. and around. Trivia games in groups were fun and we found serious competition!

          I’m not a cruise type person (don’t like feeling trapped with a bunch of strangers I may not like). I thought I’d never go on one but was invited as a guest and we had a cabin with an ocean-facing deck. I got really seasick when waters got rough (Dramamine did not work). I’d only be willing to get on a ship again if it’s to get somewhere not accessible by land.

          • Hahah, we pretty much do the exact same thing on cruises (except I didn’t bother with the gym – I get enough activity when I’m not on a boat! Haha.)
            As for your suggestion about my art, I might do that. Thanks!

  • Yeah, I definitely need help with boundaries. I’m still a softie where I shouldn’t be – a “people pleaser” for sure. Better than I was though…

    One problem I’m not sure is real, or not. My mother (a narc), my Ex (another narc), and a (somewhat former) friend have told me that I am “shrill” when I’m mad; that my voice is very “sharp”, and unappealing (OK,, I’m mad??). Growing up, my mother always told me I was “snotty” to people when I tried to even just stand up for myself. I work with kids, and, a couple of parents (I’m not exaggerating or blame-shifting here, -troublemakers) have said I give “short shrift” to them (the parents).

    So I’m not really sure if THEY are accurate,,, or, whether they are the ones with the problem.

    I’ve worked on, and am still working on, not taking crap from people – I’ve taken WAY too much, for WAY too long. Maybe I’m over-compensating(?)

    • Use a voice recorder for a while, record yourself and see if you can catch one of these occasions where you are supposedly shrill. Listen to it later when you are in a calm mood and see what you sound like for yourself.

  • Happy new year, Tracy. Your hilarious post today had me laughing. You don’t have to be 100% vigilant or perfect with boundaries setting (it’s simply not possible and I suspect anyone trying would be a hard, edgy, cold person as a result). 80% success would be pretty darn good for a decent person and ex-chump, I say so! I’ll bet you’ll NEVER buy the seaweed extract stuff again .. am I right?

    • I realize I’ve not done my “homework” for this topic! Every year, I do write down a list of goals for myself. I keep a journal and I’ve gone back to see that I do get through some or most of my resolutions for past years. I do believe in the power of the subconscious mind, and the list of intentions gives me more clarity whenever I have to make a decision.

      For 2016, I want:
      1. to make new, true friends who are similar to me in heart, curiosity, temperament
      2. a new way of working that’s stimulating and involves genuine people as clients
      3. to earn more money so I can pay off debts and travel again
      4. to be more active and get in better physical shape; need to find a routine I can stick with
      5. to try dating again (all the great advice/tips here have really helped. I will surely get tested on how good my boundaries are!)
      6. to improve my cooking skills as I try out recipes for healthy dishes (already eating way less packaged foods)
      7. to write daringly and draw/paint more
      8. most importantly, to stay true to myself and maintain peace of mind as I venture out in the world to be around people again. It’s been a very long time.

      Peace, self-love and courage to everyone here for the new year. Thanks for your humor, moxie, encouragement and stories.

  • Happy New Year Tracy. Thank you again for all your wonderful work, glorious wisdom and devastating humour. Thank you for creating this wonderful space and wonderful community. Here’s to 2016 being another great one for ChumpLady and Chump Nation (takes sip from toast). Here’s to the new book (takes another sip) and here’s to hearing you on Womans Hour BBC radio 4 this year (drains toasting glass and signs petition to the DG of the BBC). Bless you for your good work. xxx

  • Happy New Year, Tracy and Chump Nation. My 2016 resolutions? To ease into a permanent state of Meh (I want it to be forever-Tuesday)! And to give all my energy and time to looking forward with my children, (new)-husband, puppies and work.

  • Happy New Year to all at CN. Thank you for your continued wisdom, encouragement and humour. Hope all your dreams come true in 2016 – Lang may your lum reek ! ????

  • I’m late to the show but…… I am not crazy about cruises. LOVE a massage. Especially by men. I do like those deep tissue massages. I have a weird pain threshold.

    This year, I am feeling hopeful. So hopeful. I survived a devastating break up right before the holidays and THEN I survived the holidays with my family. I have discovered as I live up close and persona with my family that my mother is BPD or Narc or something. It is helping me to really establish boundaries and deal with crazy….only when I have to.

    This year I will:

    – move into my own home.

    -Listen to God and wait for HIS timing. That is so DANG hard for me. I am a move and a shaker. I make things happen even when I shouldn’t. I am learning to BE.

    -. I am not dating until I am happy being single…. and I am off to a great start!

    – I will color. A lot.

    – And wear big earrings too!

    – keep going to the gym to decrease the jiggle where I don’t like it!!! Plus I get a high off the endorphins.

    – Keep drinking wine (within reason)

    – be a GREAT mom

    -GROW GROW GROW

    -make time for friends and let them know how much I NEED them.

    -keep reading CL!!! Y’all are a Godsend. Thanks CL and CN!!!

    • Redheads generally have a higher pain threshold amongst other characteristics – anaesthetics often have to modified for surgery, the capillary network, etc.
      I love your resolutions – continue drinking wine – lovely – and healthy if it’s in reason?!

  • Well…One of my resolutions was to clean house so I did that today and what did it turn up? A journal excerpt from STBX from back in 1999. He was twenty then. We were not officially dating but he was on my radar. I’ll share . He writes:

    “I pay lip-service to many things – this was one of them. Putting all my thoughts down on paper. Why? I guess to somehow turn them into something rational – something poetic perhaps. I even had an idea for the compilation – “Dialogues with myself” is one of the few I bounced off the walls of me. Much of what follows (if I do go through with it ) will seem very irrational to the average person. I believe in myself that what i think is unbiased but looking at it from and impartial 3rd person view-point, it’s all very egotistical. By the by I am a very [underlined once] arrogant person (I like that about myself). I don’t know if I said earlier but none of this will have much structure; I will just ramble and write as it comes to me. I don’t need structure because this dialogue occurs within me. These thoughts are my thoughts. I [underlined once] know what they mean. I can follow them. At this point I don’t really care if the reader, should there be any besides myself, can follow. ”

    There my fellow-chumps in some insight into the fuck-up that is their thought process…and he was twenty then. But a wee narcklette. He is 36 now and it has gotten worse but he just does not write it down.

    Heaven help us.

    • What word salad bullshit!
      And these are the kind of guys who would rain abuse on someone who dared stand up to their precious holier than thou ego! I say that we need to do it more. And don’t stop if they get pissy. I’m certain that disordered people would fall into line if they realised noone at all would tolerate their bullshit – they’d have nowhere to turn to bleat about their perceived ‘wrongs’

      • LMHO!!! word salad BS is right!! i loved the part where he bounces ideas off himself…wth!! But more disturbing is here is a guy just out of his teens. He did not wake up at 20 and start this kind of thinking. it had to be developing for a while.

          • Right? He is a world unto himself. If he needs a second opinion, he will offer himself one. WOW.He reminds me of a certain someone who gives medical advice to a doctor, explains elementary education to a teacher and pretty much knows it all. The emperor is naked. If he only knew we are all laughing at him.

      • LOL!! found a poem by him in the cleaning as well and it actually mentions removing his face. I suppose he means the mask he wears. and he says being himself is a hobby. my question then is who the hell are you the rest of the time…enter disordered personality. the poem ends with him saying that in those moments he goes back to his childhood dreams. I guess before his mother pissed on everything.

  • I like my dad with telemarketers. My dad an “Archie Bunker ” guy. A lady telemarketer called and asked my dad, “Do you know of Hillary Clinton?” My dad replied, “Isn’t that Blow Job Bill’s wife?” End of conversation. Lady hung up. My son-in-law answers and plays he’s handicapped. I die laughing. Then he just lays the phone down so they can’t call anyone else.

  • This blog isn’t supposed to be about anyone – American, Italian, Russian or what the fuck ever nationality – calling another nationality stupid/idiotic/ignorant. Take this shit somewhere else.

  • I’ve gotten bitchy and not afraid to say no to anyone since my divorce. I love the freedom in “No!” Funny, reminds me of what ex used to say – “you are such an easy sell.” hmmmmmmmmm

  • Well sounds like you need to fix your picker if you keep hooking up with those kinds of guys! It’s not really about them being American. It’s about who they are as a person, their character. It’s a person’s less than stellar character that results in them acting like condescending know-it-all assholes. And I’m definitely one to side with you on calling people out when they’re being assholes.

    • No. I don’t ‘need to fix my picker’ – given that I’ve been in a healthy, reciprocal relationship with a man who I love dearly, and who respects me, for over a year now. The most recent of those two relationships ended 8 years ago.
      And it is about them being American – they made their arguments about how their country was so-much better than mine (or anyplace else). Its funny how, in my entire life of living, the only people who have been condescending in that manner have been from there, yeah?
      This is going around in circles.

      • “It’s funny, how in my entire life of living, the only people who have been condescending in that manner have been from there, yeah?”

        Really? Nobody except Americans have ever been condescending or otherwise rude or stupid to you? That is funny. It’s still really about them hurting you and cheating on you and having bad horrible shitty character. So, they were Americans, and I get why you don’t exactly have a positive tilt for Americans because of those experiences.

        I also get why a chump who IS an American, and who was cheated on and/or abused by a French or Russian or Australian or ___[fill in blank] cheaterass fuckwit, would maybe take issue. Their French/Russian/Greek…significant other/husband/wife who cheated on and abused them probably told them they were to blame because they were stupid or ugly or fat or worthless and that it was BECAUSE they were – American. ?? Really? The chump who happens to be an American isn’t any of those things just because they are American. Or because they’re fat. Or red-headed. Or flat-footed.

        The motherfucking cheaters we come here to vent about come in all shapes, sizes, colors, genders and nationalities.

        I can understand American chumps getting upset by your insistence that this kind or level of horrific obnoxiousness, condescending attitude or touristy rude stupidity (which no doubt by your assessment your cheaters had in spades) is somehow caused by one’s “American-ness.” It’s not. It’s caused by the same thing no matter where your ass was born and it’s called shitty character. Your American cheaters had shittyass character just like my righteously pious snooty ass Scotsman had shitty character…..and THAT is the real problem. Not nationality, skin color, shape of nose or flatness of feet or presence/absence of toenails.

        That’s the circle. You can keep insisting it was all because they were American (or purple-eyed or messy spaghetti eaters) and I’ll keep insisting it’s because of shitty character. I’m glad you found someone good, who treats you the way you should have always been treated – regardless of where they’re from, because it sounds like this one has really GOOD character. Best of luck to you.

  • I know I’m late to this party, but just wanted a place to put this in writing. I am going to work on listening to and acting on what my gut tells me. Need to keep learning to trust my gut. I’ve come some way in doing this since my divorce but still have work to do. In the past not listening to my gut always got me in trouble. I would accept things I didn’t want, or lose things (or people) that I didn’t want to lose. I’m hoping that I can do this and that it will have a positive impact on the people I love and my own happiness. Happy New Year fellow Chumps!

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