Dear Chump Lady, He “can’t cope with the guilt” of who he is

That remorse thing on their side is just smoke and mirrows. Mine would say “Get over it”, “Move forward”, “I am the one that has to live with the guilt of what I have done for the rest of my life” and he would merrily continue on behind my back. Huh? “That feeling guilty thing must have really weighted heavy on him. Sweep it all under the rug, you are a nuisance and I REALLY don’t want ‘ to deal with it, I want to eat cake in peace, that’s the message I received when I finally fell of the unicorn.

Yes vixen chump, u have made such progress by emancipating urself from this insatiable sex troll, why digress now? His letter is pathetically shallow, I don’t think he put much thought into it, he is just feeling sorry for himself. What would there be to speak about? Obviously he can’t help being an asshole, no one can make him into a ‘better person’. You know the saying, you can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig! By the way how did you manage to figure out he was fornicating with 19 women?!!

It is not your job to fix him. The fact that he acts as if he’s entitled to your wonderfulness and “you make me a better person”.. is a clear sign of a narcissist. It’s all about him.. even in that email. You make HIM a better person. HE needs to feel better about himself.. HIS guilt. What about you? What about your feelings? I this idiot was even half way remorseful, his overtures would talk about YOU not HIM!!!!

Repeat offender? Glass doors? MOVE ON. NO CONTACT.

I read lots of blogs. So many blogs written by women who are trying reconciliation. They break my heart. They are so articulate about their broken lives and yet they persevere. I think how horrible it would be to realize you have to break up a family, a home and lives. Yet, to continue living with a person who thinks nothing of cheating and lying for years must be gut wrenching. There is one written by a woman whose husband cheated on her two years into the marriage. He had another affair that lasted a year. He reconnected with his first cheating partner and planned on leaving his wife. She writes so beautifully about what she has gone through but believes her husband has all this behind him. He cheated off and on for 25 of their 27 year marriage. He is a serial cheater who LIED to his wife her entire adult life and yet she has hopes of a happy future. For her, for all those blogging chumps who continue to believe I hope they get their HEA. I just wish I believed it. You are so smart to have left. You would have been years into this pain otherwise. I base what I know on my brother. He got total custody of his children, went no contact and moved on. I think the NC was his salvation. He was over her fairly quickly for someone who had loved her from a very young age. You really cannot make 2and 2 be anything but 4 and you can’t make a cheater a person of integrity. Good for you for leaving.

Vixenchump, there’s a lesson that I’m still learning even though I sent my cheater packing several years ago. You and I need to stop listening so much to a person’s words and watch what they actually DO.

What has this guy done? He’s slept with dozens of other women. He’s violent. This is not someone you want to be around.

Please take it from the chump whose cake-eater husband smashed the front door in with a splitting maul. I got a restraining order, then withdrew it because I couldn’t stand the thought of losing him forever. Truth is, I never had him in the first place. Let go of the dream that someday his heart will change. It never, ever will. This is sociopathic behavior and cannot be rehabilitated. “The first time someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.” – Maya Angelou.

OMG, this was my narc cheater’s last attempt, too! NOW he realized how wrong he had been (very vague on exactly what he’d done wrong), NOW he was a changed man (after, oh, 8, maybe 10 individual therapy sessions over a year), NOW he deserved another chance, is actually ENTITLED to it, and how could the kids and I be so self-righteous and harsh, not to give him one!

Facts are, he NEVER showed ANY interest in changing, was totally FINE with how he was, as long as it was only other people he was hurting; his previous 10 year girlfriend, me, our children, his mother ….. Then when things HE didn’t like started happening (I wouldn’t let him come back, the kids were so disgusted by him that they cut their contact with him way down) did the light dawn on him.

AND, he keeps showing us that he hasn’t changed. Maybe, just maybe he won’t cheat again (because he didn’t like the consequences that hit HIM), but he is still entitled, selfish, arrogant, angry. He still lies and treats people badly.

This is the likely outcome for these empathy-impaired assholes. It’s just another level of manipulation.

And frankly, even if it weren’t, why would it be MY job to be beside him through this process of becoming a better person? I was beside him through the first affair, through the threats of violence, through the 12 jobs in 15 years, through everything HE needed support with. I got NO reciprocation. And even now there’s no discussion of ‘let me make it up to you and the kids’, no, it’s just ‘I’ve changed, now you have to be good to me again!’. Nope.

Vixenchump: Is he guilty? Maybe, in the way that sometimes shitty people repress a deep sense of shame. But for a guy carrying on affairs with that many women? My guess is no, he doesn’t feel guilty. Does he really want to change? Probably not, or he at least isn’t willing to put in the effort.

But okay, maybe he does really want to change. If that’s true, great. But who cares? Not you, apart from making sure that your children are safe and secure. Because really, envision a future of a marriage with “changed” him—my guess is that your sense of security is gone for good. What’s going to go through your head every single time he doesn’t answer his phone? When you can’t get ahold of him? If he seems secretive about his email? If he goes on a business trip? If he goes to the grocery store and takes a long time? If you see an unknown number call his phone? If he smells different? If he loses his temper? Your ship has sailed—you and your children don’t need that kind of insecurity and abuse in your life. And your kids don’t need to see their mighty mom putting up with it. That’s not the example you want to set for them. Embrace what CL says in other posts—even if he does change, what’s it to you? That doesn’t change one single thing that he did to you, so he sealed his own fate with that one.

I suppose I should be thankful that my stbx didn’t try to give me the “mistake” speech. I did get the “I didn’t plan it, it just happened” speech, but it wasn’t a mistake. On the contrary—he spent a few days with OW and decided he was in love with her, not me, and that was it. Kept the lie going for a couple months and then sent me a Dear Jane email.

The other chumps are right—clearly, you don’t make him a better man. Probably no one can, with the possible exception of a psychotherapist and I’m pretty skeptical of even that possibility.

I’ve dated three loser’s so far. Before my husband, there was John. John was by far the best looking guy I dated and he would break up with me when he was drunk. You see, the girl that dumped him at the alter had the same name as me so when he was drunk, he took his anger out on me.

I took him back five or six times. The last week we dated, he left me at a club on my birthday because HE wanted to leave. A week before leaving me alone in a club with no ride home, he got my birthday wrong and bought me a paper rose that was still in the CVS drugstore bag. Handed me a $1 rose in a plastic bag. Yep, I forgave that and let him, ” make it up to me by taking me out somewhere fun on my actual birthday.

Pathetic much…..

So, after he leaves me to call a cab and get a ride home, the straw breaks. I’m done this time and I know it. The next day, HE knows it. He comes over banging on my door- please can he at least come in and get his softball pants. Ok…… After sad face apology and realizing this time I mean business, he punches the top of the headboard of my bed. I’m done forever and just want him out. It took me two years but already at MEH after my birthday week.

Once he realized he could no longer manipulate me into taking him back, he was all over the place. Between the “sorries”, then the anger, then excuses, then crying, then gifts, then blaming me, blaming my sister, blaming our trip to Florida one year, then he needed to get a parking pass out of my car…… He had never been in this situation and he was going nuts that he could not real me back in.

He called me for two years telling me how great I was…….

I finally met my husband and he called me until after the both of us got married to others….. Tried to friend me on Facebook.

It was never about me or how much I meant to him. It was always about him and shocked that he finally was shut out. I can still see the looks of confusion on his face because I had forgiven him on countless inconsiderate actions 100 times. He wanted cake.

I went on to marry a cheater in my next relationship but I honestly thing I would have done worse with someone who acted as crazy as he did. As soon as he cracked my headboard with his fist, was the nail in the coffin.

No contact, no contact, no contact. It works. Stay strong and mighty, you will not regret it. He is an asshole and be glad you are rid of him. Be prepared for further contact from him using every trick in the book to engage a response. Just keep swatting the fly away.

Best of kuck!!