Can you please help me stop begging? I can’t even believe I wrote that out loud. Everything he has done to me and our family is beyond despicable, and now he doesn’t even want to pretend like he is going to change anymore.
I know nothing good will come from him EVER. But the fact that although I’ve never done anything to him, he is the one that doesn’t want to try anymore. He just wants out. And I am again heart broken.
Again, I’m surprised. All I want is to stop loving him. Just see it for what it is. I know it was all a lie. Everything ever spoken from him. But still I want us and he doesn’t. I caught myself begging him to please let’s try. And I realize how low I am. How ashamed of myself I am. I can’t even look my kids in their eyes. Please tell me how to stop begging. The pain is too much for me to bear. I tell myself I KNOW it’s for the best, for it to be over, but then night falls and he hasn’t come home or called and I can’t sleep. Please help me help myself.
You’re grieving. It’s going to hurt like a motherfucker, but the pain is finite. I swear to God, you will get over this cheating asshole. He is central right now not just because you love him. He’s central because he’s blown up your family’s world. This crisis (that he created) confers Power on him. It’s totally natural that you’d do anything at all to save your family — including abject groveling. But you must stop it.
The pain can be borne (ask us all how we know…), but you will bear a lot less of it if you start to get angry and protect yourself.
When you stop giving him Power, and start reclaiming your life on YOUR terms, then you start to heal.
I’m sorry FC, it’s a process and it hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts until one day (it’s a Tuesday) the pain stops.
Please help me help myself.
Okay. For starters recognize that “he doesn’t even want to pretend like he is going to change anymore” is a blessing. Do you really want a PRETEND husband? As you suffer one heart-shattering fake reconciliation after the next? Keep that creep around, and you’ll become one of those poor hopium-addicted souls with “14 D-Days” under her Reconciliation profile and the tag line “I believe in unicorns!”
Spare yourself. The finality is a good thing. You know he’s not capable of real change (so you wrote “pretend change.”) You just miss the Lie — the person he pretended to be, the life you thought you were going to have, the identity you invested in, the intact family you wanted your children to grow up in. Realizing you’ve been conned is devastating, but you cannot wish for the con back. You must dream new dreams and rebuild.
I realize how low I am. How ashamed of myself I am. I can’t even look my kids in their eyes.
FC, you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. It’s not your failure that brought down this marriage — it’s his cheating. You didn’t break up your children’s family because you didn’t try hard enough. HE broke it up because he wouldn’t try at all, and because he doesn’t have the raw materials to be a decent human being. That’s not on YOU. That’s on HIM. So don’t wear the shame.
You tried to love someone and save your marriage in the face of betrayal — it’s not just fear that makes chumps do that — it’s tremendous love. Misdirected love, underserved love, but love all the same. It takes a big heart to try. Don’t hate yourself for that.
Please love yourself. You know how you look your children in the eyes? With self respect. I’m a loving, faithful woman who tried. My efforts were rebuffed, and now I’m a strong, competent woman who is going to kick ass. If your children try to blameshift this mess on to you? (What did you do to drive Daddy away?) Don’t accept that. Don’t accept blameshifting from your cheater, and don’t accept it from your kids. Just do your job — raise those kids. He’s probably checked out for Schmoopie — your kids need you to be the Sane Parent. Hold it together for them.
Is that unjust? Yes, it’s a great big shit sandwich. The aftertaste lingers through about 18 years of coparenting with a fuckwit. But I promise you, your family is not Less Than. It’s still intact, just minus the fuckwit. You’re going to be fine.
What you need to do right now is PROTECT YOURSELF. Even though your heart’s not in it, even though you can’t muster up the proper anger right now, protect yourself. See a lawyer. Gather your financials. Know how much debt you have and what kind of support you’re entitled to. Revamp your resume. There are a thousand big and little actions you can take right now to begin that new life. Do NOT go into it with a shit settlement because you were too sad to fight.
Finally, FC, when night falls and you don’t know where he is — I’ll tell you where he is — fucking around on you with his latest affair partner.
Say goodbye to all that. And say hello to your new-improved life without him.
(((Hugs))) You can DO THIS.