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Dear Chump Lady, I let the OW get to me. Help.

leftoversDear Chump Lady,

I’m three years since D-day, and closing in on finalizing my divorce. I am awarded 60% of his 401K and 60% of assets value, plus four years alimony. It is a settlement my attorneys have never seen the likes of in 20 years. But our divorce is well known through the courts as being one of the most contemptuous divorces on record.

With all that said, I am not a Meh. He still gets under my skin. His whore texted me all last week from a fake phone number from an app that isn’t traceable. She sent Memes about her being the Upgrade, what my lady parts look like, how many multiple personalities I have, and it’s not her fault my man wants her…

She texted me on New Years Eve — 4 times.

I wish I could say I didn’t respond. But I did. I wish I could say her jabs at me didn’t hurt — but they did.

She is living in the house I built, heating up pizza rolls in my six-burner stainless steel commercial grade stove and putting up my Christmas tree. She is living the life I had… the pizza rolls… I made homemade pizza with fresh toppings…..

I know that I know that I know my STBX is a bastard who threw away his family and 20 years on a 30-year-old bar whore. No news flash there.

But, how do I get past that I am not over losing my life, losing my house, losing my dreams for my daughters to graduate college.

How did I allow a meme from his whore plunge me into a depression spin?

I’m not sure what interactions other chumps have had with the OW in their lives. I’m wondering how they handled it.

I will also admit my responses back were cruel — and really really degrading. When I re-read them I cringed at how low I was willing to go to take a shot at her. I mean disgustingly low.
Not proud of it, just being honest.


Dear Tracy,

You want extra kibbles on those pizza rolls?

Ugh, I’m sorry you learned the hard way about no contact with OW. As my husband says in law, “If it feels good — don’t do it.”

As tempting as it is to take the tasty bait the freaks in your life may cast at you, you must resist it. All you did by engaging with OW is solidify their narrative that you’re batshit crazy and she and ex are deserving of all the spoils of their affair. (Yes, take out the whole notion that she provoked you — however you respond to her, reinforces their narrative.)

Don’t give these creeps the raw materials to work with, okay? It’s much harder to manipulate or antagonize someone if they don’t respond. There is no withering put down that will crush the OW as deeply as you Don’t Give a Shit. How do you communicate you don’t give a shit? You DON’T. You stay silent.

Tracy, I’m sorry you still give a shit. You have to work on that. I know it’s galling and unjust that she’s usurped your former domestic life and all the trappings. With that 60 percent asset division, you can buy a new six-burner stainless steel commercial grade stove. Okay, she won a used stove. Whoopee. She also won a cheater.

Engaging with the OW whether it’s about stoves, or pizza rolls, or the unsavoriness of her lady parts, is just another form of the Pick Me Dance. It means that somehow your cheater still matters. There is still something to care and fight about.

If she “won” a used oven and a 24-foot-cubic-dumpster of shit, would you care? Would her insults sting?

Dude, you’re gloating over a dumpster of shit. Enjoy that stainless steel appliance in your dumpster of shit! You think I’m ugly? You live in a dumpster of shit.

That’s her reality, Tracy. She can think of herself as the Upgrade all she wants to, the fact is, she feels so unhinged by insecurity that she has to taunt you. She WANTS the triangle. She WANTS the competition and the pick me dance. She NEEDS the fight to feel central in Mr. Cheaterpants life. So long as you’re the boogeyman and the obstacle to their happiness, she’s “winning.” When you disengage and treat them both like the shit dumpsters that they are? She has to finally confront her “prize.”

So forgive yourself for falling off the no contact wagon. It happens.

There’s something seriously disturbed about the OW who taunt anyway, and you best steer clear of them for your personal safety, IMO. I had one of these whackadoodles (I got signed up for spam, dating sites, political campaigns… ) I had my lawyer send her a letter saying I was going to press criminal harassment charges if she didn’t cease and desist. Consider a formal letter to the OW, and cc the authorities, okay?

I think these OW are the crazy fringe of the crazy fringe of OW. You have to be a special kind of fucked up to accept (and fight for) side-dish relationship status. It’s pathetic and frankly, IMO a lot of OW know this at some level, so they tend to be low-key and quiet. The wife, insomuch as they think of her, is a theoretical construct and not a person. Just some obstacle to schedule fuckfests around.

The crazy fringe OW, however? They go on the attack. They taunt. They stalk. They write HuffPo dreck about how awesome and edgy and pioneering it is to be an OW.

Alas, you’ve got one of these wingnuts. Just finalize your divorce and work on building your new life. Don’t look back. They’ve got bright shiny ovens and pizza rolls here in your new life too.

P.S. Your daughters will graduate college just fine. They may have to be scrappy about financial aid, but divorce doesn’t prevent people from getting college degrees. It just makes things more challenging. If Dad spent their college funds on his new bar skank lifestyle, that’s their issue to work out with him, not yours. ((Hugs))

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  • If she were happy – truly happy – she would have just enjoyed the new year – and not tried to engage you. Her enjoyment is in engaging you – and once that’s over,so is her fun. The triangle is her fun. The drama is her fun. Don’t be part of the drama.

    Deal with your emotions in other outlets, not through her or your ex. A safe outlet.

    Best to you.

    • ChumpedinChicago, exactly right! If the OW was happy, she wouldn’t be sending you memes.

      • I know this is ill but I almost wish the ow did something like that to me. It reveals her trashiness and empowers you. She might as well have texted “we are not having hot sex right now because I am so threatened by you I thought I’d check in and stalk you some”.

        3 years here too, final Dday…last week. I’m not in a puddle but #^+% do I still give a shit. Maybe it will help me let go because I found the source of that cognitive dissonance. I knew he was a pathological liar but had no idea he kept a completely separate life. I don’t want to be specific, CL is getting very popular and I’m paranoid–which is really ironic because they. don’t. care. And as ill as it sounds, it feels like he traded up. No I would never do that to a married woman, I don’t want her soul. But there are certain realities, we accomplish different things come with different obstacles, some of us get sick and piss the narc off from the get go…

        Everything makes crashing crushing sense now. The dude hasn’t drunk dialed me once in all this time while I fought mightily to sustain no contact. He’s so vindictive he’ll show me who can not talk to whom better. But the main reason is, he’s busy. With his “longtime partner”–words discreetly tucked into her profile of endless accomplishment. Even if she is a trade up he’s still an asshole.

        I’m trying to trust that he sucks.

        Call me cluster b but I was completely jealous. Completely surprised. I wanted to find clearly hate-able things and could not. There are a few eerie similarities between us, but she’s all kindsa confident and accomplished in ways I’ll never be. Maybe most hurtful, he was playing daddy to them while I had 30 fertile seconds left.

        This version greatly improves his image. Hers too. Now I think he created enough tumult just to put me off the scent–if I was preoccupied with him lying about meeting past girlfriends I wouldn’t be searching for the real one. Seems like that kind of fierce protection could mean twu wuv (?) The only other possibility is he wanted to keep me attached through insanity. Because had I known he was with such a significant other for so long, it would have been much easier to leave. Except he doesn’t care.

        I thought he’d be with rotating bimbos, the ex, his usual. I wasn’t prepared for this. Not saying she’s perfect but she is perfect for him—independent arty wonder babe, absent enough of the time to keep him guessing. She may be more perfectly like him than perfect for him, I don’t know I’m a little fermitzed.

        Anyway, I find their shared address, snazzy bio, etc., her cell and shaking, called it! I wanted to talk to that woman, find out the rest, check dates, what coincided when. I was shocked but also felt a strange and very real relief. Everything just makes so much more sense, the gut feelings, the alienation, insults about my insecurities, smoking me out of the marriage for no apparent reason. There was already so much deception I thought it enough to warrant the pain. But now I really know why I was in that much pain for so long, even with no contact.

        Thank god she didn’t answer. Like my friend said, What am I going to say to her?

        But I kept her number.

        • Major tech problems today. Left out a sentence or two but hopefully you get the idea.

        • Sara….I am sorry you feel that way. But let me say this….if she had to cheat with him to get him…she is in no way a trade up. Period. If you have to hurt someone….implode their life for your happiness….then you suck. Period.
          Sure….implode see things about the OW that I think she is better suited for him. But she still.screwed a married man and pursued him and went on to applaud my demise. She sucks. In more way than one..
          So does your ex…..he could have asked for a divorce. So could mine…but they didnt….they cheated and they hurt people….so they suck….

          Jealous….yea I am jealous too….but I know him….he will change for awhile…but go back to being his boring self.

          Hugs Sara…..hugs!!!

          • Thank you Tracy, I don’t know why I didn’t see these comments until now (2-1/2 hours on the phone with tech support, grr) I felt really shaky after posting that. Thank you for understanding and big hugs back {{{Tracy}}}

            • In my pain I have found support groups like Codependence Anonymous & AlAnon helpful.

              • omg. I feel the same as you do sara. Is it true love? Was I that bad? But I also agree with Tracy. A good person refuses to date/fuck/sneak around with someone they know is married and living at home, REGARDLESS of what bullshit story he tells them. So it definitely wasn’t a trade up. I go to CODA and it does help me to understand and deal with why I continued to stay in a situation and with a person that was hurting me. Good luck.

              • lost this is messing with me, I’m not going to lie. I can’t get over details; specific things we have in common, the things we don’t, what I thought was unique to us, things he loved about ‘me’, all the stuff we’re not supposed to muck around in. He went for certain things *I* love though, that’s what’s also creeping me out. Not all, but it’s like he took what he liked about me and improved on it in his mind, for his image, whatever. I don’t think he’s had a character transplant but their narc stars align perfectly. I feel so…USED!! I really do. And the smoking, if he’s putting up with that it must mean this, and oh I can see exactly where he went with his kink because she definitely has this affected raunch that i don’t and…and…

                I could tell when he was parroting, he uses language and style he wouldn’t otherwise. I’m trying to slap my ass out of it, I’m glad I know. If I’d known he was that involved it might have helped me detach from any fantasy a lot sooner, but that would mean learning about the ‘long term partnership’ they advertise to their clan. He was cruel to me though, and that part never changes. I like ACA. Good luck to us both, lost.

              • Sara, you’re in that horrible obsessive phase and believe me, I get it. When I went digging through our credit card records I found out that he took her to *our* restaurants – the places we celebrated anniversaries, birthdays and most importantly, our premie surviving 45 days in the NICU. It felt as if he reached into my chest and ripped out my heart. When I asked him how could he take her to OUR places, his reply? “She picked the restaurant.” Huh?

                Narcs are not sentimental. They don’t view their lives as a continuous thing. The memories that we share that strengthen the bond in the minds of normal people are forgotten as soon as they are over for the Narc. They compartmentalize their lives so completely that in their twisted minds, that one thing they do has nothing to do with the other compartments. An example of that is my X thought he’d never get caught having his affair, therefore it had nothing to do with me or our family. He truly never saw it as a betrayal of me. It was chilling when I finally realized I was married to a machine instead of a man.

                I urge you to read “Malignant Self Love” by Sam Vaknin. He is a self-proclaimed narcissist and clearly explains how their minds work. He also has UTube videos. When you realize that your husbands behavior has nothing to do with you, it will help you to not blame yourself and more importantly, move on from this man who you thought was human. Good luck, Sara, I’m rooting for you.

              • uneffing you’re right. It took me a long time to even begin to detach and that was only a function of time, and NC by the skin of my teeth. Then just as I began to let go I find this out– it threw me back viscerally like it was yesterday. He was careless with the inconsequential cheating, I thought that was enough. I feel like such a jerk for missing this rather huge extra life. Last night I recalled him singing something repeatedly that I found between them, having nothing to do with me. So more pieces are falling into place but I will say they leave faster. They come back but at least they don’t tsunami my entire day. She said convincing no one.

              • sorry for the redundant post, thought it said cancelled reply and lost the first text

              • uneffing you’re right. It took me so long to even begin to detach and right as I do I learn about this. It threw me back viscerally like I was there yesterday. He was careless with the inconsequential cheating, I thought that was enough. I feel like such a jerk for missing this whole hidden life thing though. I remember him singing a song I found out was ‘between them’, so more things are trickling in, filling in more cognitive dissonance. The obsessing isn’t as bad, it swoops in and leaves but at least it doesn’t tsunami my day. She said convincing no one.

        • Sara – I can’t tell you how sorry I am that he’s made you feel this way. And that’s just it – you feel like he traded up because of all the years he devalued you. It’s what narcissist do. They want you to feel like nothing because it’s the only way they can feel better than. They are echoing, empty vessels and they are jealous of anyone who is normal.

          It took me a long time to realize that my X was so jealous of the fact that I possessed empathy, fair-mindedness, trust for others and was able to love. He made it his mission to emotionally beat all those things out of me until I didn’t know who I was. And he made me think that those virtues were actually vices. They gradually erode any sense of self you may have. But the good news? With distance comes perspective. It will take you a while but one day when the hurt subsides a bit, you’ll see that POS for what he really is. You’ll see what he felt about himself whenever he looked at you and saw what a great person you are – something he will never be.

          You are right about one thing. They are perfectly alike and perfect for each other. Two empty vessels looking for someone else to fill them up. Neither one has what it takes to make one decent human being. They are frauds. Social media is nothing but a soft-focus filter on the camera of life. It softens the rough edges and makes everything appear dreamy and perfect. It’s a complete manipulation, don’t fall for it. I’m certain she would never post on any site that she’s a jealous, home-wrecking, man-stealing whore! It would tarnish her “perfect” image. YOU know the truth so just believe it with all your might.

          • uneffing you made me cry out loud. “He made it his mission to emotionally beat all those things out of me until I didn’t know who I was.” Whew. They didn’t parade it in front of me though, that’s what had me spinning…like it meant more(?) Meant anything. They’re only about image though and he was a vicious ass. He was just good at his job. And I was had.

            • I mean to say t it’s like he went for things he didn’t necessarily love but I did…is that to purposefully hurt or are they just improving their resume’s?

        • Sarah

          Know there is no such thing as a cheater trading up. They always trade down to their own level. I have met many of his victims. There were kind loving, decent women he lied to and as soon as his lies were revealed they dumped him during the infatuation stage. Many others said there was something wrong with him and turned him down. Years of cheating and do you know what they settle for? A woman with no class, morals, or integrity. These are the whores they dumpster dive for and get. They had loyal and chose sleazy. They had love and couldn’t be loyal. Cheaters are the sum of their parts. Lying, cheating, disrespectful, entitled parts the take with them. Knock that whore off the pedistal, she’s a bottom feeder who isn’t special. Don’t give them your power. My children said it best. If it’s not that whore it will be another one.
          Stop beating yourself up. You did nothing wrong. There’s no comparison. You deserve much much more.

            • Yup, gave her too much credit. I saw more and can’t quite believe it. She’s a fricking chain smoker–his ultimate deal breaker! I No wonder he got so mad when I said I thought I smelled nicotine. It’s disturbing to think he’d go for that kind but it brings them both back down where they belong. thanks again

          • Donna…. whoa…you just said something that sent me back……
            My husband stood in the hall of the courthouse and said to his Aunt who supported me, “If it wasn’t Migdalia ( his whore) it would be another woman and another woman and another woman…..”

            Now….that was 2 years ago he said that. I had forgotten with all the mindfuckery of the last 2 years…. but I see him…standing there…outlook saying that….I was 5 feet away….shaking my head.

            That saying…”When someone shows you who they are, believe them”….
            He was admitting he was a serial cheater.

          • Donna:

            How true!!!!!

            My 1st EXH has had multiple fiances and wives in the last almost-14 years we’ve been divorced (he’s on wife #5 now, LOL) and each woman that came into our sons’ lives I would say, “What do you think of her?” To which the boys would laugh, roll their eyes, and shake their heads and say, “Mom, it’s dad we’re talking about— you know it won’t last!!!” After his first wife after me, I stopped caring as long as she didn’t trouble my sons.

            Now EXH#2’s OWife is about 20 years younger than me, about 12 years younger than EXH#2, and must think he is just Mr. Awesome..we’ll see what happens, but I doubt it’s “happily ever after”. I have said this before, and I will say it again, I may think/feel a lot of things about her, but one thing I will NEVER think is “oh, I wish I was her!!!”

    • That’s right. Disengage. Pull the plug on her messed up need for centrality by sucking you into the triangle. The only winning move is not to play.

    • If she were having a fun new year with her schmoopie she wouldn’t have had time to download an app, make a fake account, find memes on the internet and text you all night. And if YOU were having a fun new year you wouldn’t have had time to respond. Get out there and start doing things, it will really help you in feeling pretty meh about it and if you are out doing fun things you won’t be checking your phone.

    • I thought the exact same thing! If her NYE were so amazing, she wouldn’t have given you a single thought!

      Ps- Don’t respond ever again. He who cares the least in these types of battles wins. Winning for her is getting you to care and show you’re upset.

      • Think of it this way….the only thing she won is the booby prize, she just doesn’t know it yet. There will come a time, she will.

    • Hey, I think she already knows he is the booby prize and this nasty-ass dialogue with you is all she has left. You are her new kibble source! Make her go hungry bow-bow-bow!

  • How happy can she be if she is texting YOU multiple times on NYE? Shouldn’t she be all snuggled up with her Schmoopie?? I smell triangulation. Maybe their relationship is nothing without you 😉

    Also, I agree with “don’t engage”. The opposite of love is indifference…not hate. Fake it ’til you make it.

    • HM – “Maybe their relationship is nothing without you ;)” Yes!

      Tracy, you were the pivot that made your cheater and the OW bond….you were the great obstacle in the way of their supposed twu wuv…your existence made their sex “naughty” and therefore more exciting. The OW still needs you be part of her drama, in order to keep the balance. Don’t give her the satisfaction! Disengage, start giving no shits, and go no contact on both their asses.

      • HM and LiningUpDucks, I agree – you pegged it. Schmoopie can’t seem to get her board lit up without the nefarious aspects of her relationship with her twu wuv. That’s how deviants operate, as though their brains are wired (or re-wired) to get their jollies only if it’s considered taboo. My ex is like that. His harem of AP’s were nothing more than conquests – women he could coerce into doing “naughty” activities. And keeping this all a delicious secret from me, and his trusting family and friends was icing on the toxic cake.

        Tracy, about the OW’s irritating ability to act like a malicious Mosquito, constantly whining in your ear. What are the harassment laws where you live? Her constant stream of uninvited texts may be considered harassment (they are where I live). You could report her, showing the authorities the evidence. Having a law enforcement officer arriving at the door to discuss with her the gravity of this matter (along with possibly having that on her record), may be something that would put an end to this bullshit. She sounds like a bully, and bullies are actually cowards when they’re outed and held accountable for their behavior. It’s just a thought. (((Hugs to you.)))

        • I’ve tried several times to file charges. I get told….change your number. I shouldn’t have to. Finally a female officier at least documented it….and called her to warn her. The fake # then appeared.
          So….I can’t prove it’s her…but no one else is gonna text me about Upgrades…’s over Ex wife he wants me….bullcrap.

          • Actually the cops can trace her with the fake # to her actual cell phone, I’m i security, trust me on this Those free apps don’t really anonymize you from a cell. However, if you engaged in nasty responses it doesn’t do you any good. If she insulted you but didn’t threaten you in any way it also doesn’t do you any good. IF she does this again another fake number and threatens you then do call the cops, but this time don’t engage.

  • I have a former friend. She was my friend until I found out she cheated on her husband for 3 years.

    Her AP was married, so she was simultaneously an OW…a fringe OW. She took sex videos with her AP and sent them to her AP’s wife to “prove” that the man wanted her and not his wife.

    Genuine class.

    These people are just losers, all around. Get away, Tracy. It does no good to even think about people like this.

    • Besides being cruel, that is incredibly idiotic.

      She just made herself very vulnerable to someone she fucked over.

      Oh hey, OW, let me show your sex videos to your mom/boss/Sunday School teacher…

      They’re assuming the chump would have more class than to do that, or be so AFRAID of their awesomeness, but really? You want to make someone emotionally volatile and send them a naked picture of yourself?

      Way to go.

      • Agreed. The AP husband wasn’t thrilled with it, either. But he was dumb enough to (a) cheat, and (b) make sex videos of his cheating. So, boo hoo for him.

        • THANK you, Michael! A few times in the past I’ve referred to these whores’ lack of sexual discipline and disgusting behavior being that of an average zoo monkey. And again, no offense to the higher functioning zoo monkeys. ?

      • The ex’s OW sent me timestamped photos of them having sex to prove he was still seeing her during wreckonciliaton.

        And that guy is her soon to be ex shitdumpster. OW is just a cumdumpster.

        • “The ex’s OW sent me timestamped photos of them having sex to prove he was still seeing her during wreckonciliaton.”

          I hope those found their way into the court file. “Your honor, I’m going to need a restraining order to prevent OW from harassing me by sending pornographic images like these.”

        • Those sex tapes/videos had I gotten them would have gone viral so fast across the interwebs it would have made their heads explode. Why do some people get all the luck???

      • As an attorney I am always slack-jawed and dumb founded at the stupidity of people who film themselves
        cheating. The Tort of alienation of affection is a rare but actionable civil claim. Additionally, the cheaters are likely documenting waste of marital assets if this is happening in resorts or hotel rooms. Not. Too. Smart. 😉

        • OW sent me pics of them kissing IN PUBLIC (and this is a relatively small city). But the one of him naked in her bed checking his phone – while it was daylight outside – is the one that made me vomit. Right before Christmas and she knows I have three kids. Who does that???? It was one of the most cruel things anyone has ever done to me.

          • I’ve been relatively lucky whore juice sent him home one night with her mark on his neck he knew why she did it and choked her unconscious. He did it because she did it to hurt me. Then some random postings on fb she knew i would see. Another beating. They knew each other six weeks. Someone ever did that to me 911. But she’s a teeny bopper idiot 52 with money so its OK. The one that hurt was a mutual friend of ours, a member of the family type sent me a tagged photo of the two of them smooching on fb. Great friend. Bastard. Shut Facebook down after I blocked about thirty people. Now ex was convinced/conived into going back and he doesn’t seem to happy about that. Careful what you wish for motherfucker. She gets a crabby negative nasty foul tempered half crippled old man who is still in love with me and doesn’t want to let go. And he gets an overbearing clingy whining self centered egotistical bitch with money. Cash wins!

            • Yeah, TEO had a faint “love-bite” mark on his neck Christmas Day, made sure he turned his body just right so I would see it- I guess an early Christmas present from the OWife…classy, bitch she is!!!!

  • Tracy,
    It’s close to 3 years past DDay for me too. I’ve been to court once only to make 3 more court dates. Was supposed to have ‘mediation’ tomorrow, but once again, it got cancelled. My stbx is living in our marital home and it tares me up. I don’t know who the OW is/was because my stbx chose to get private fuck phones and Yahoo. chat accounts to find his prey.
    I can’t imagine what you are going through. It makes me so angry and disgusted to read these stories from all of us and wonder how people can be so cruel.
    Obviously – OW has issues! She must be jealous of you, otherwise why would she take the time to text you? She is whack. Can you change your phone number? It looks like your kids are old enough that you don’t need to continue to associate with your X.
    You should copy and paste those messages to your X so he can see the ‘prize’ he left you for. They are both dumb.

    • No, I don’t agree with that last statement. Don’t contact your ex at all. IGNORE. Pretend like you don’t care. If it doesn’t stop, send 1 message (only 1) that says “stop contacting me or I will go to the police”. Then don’t respond. Document everything and if in say 6 months or so it does not stop…go to the police with every piece of documentation you have. Here’s the key: you cannot respond after telling her to stop otherwise it will look like you are encouraging it. If you don’t respond it is straight up harassment.

      • I agree. NC to them BOTH, and have a third party enforce the NC, like a lawyer and the cops.

        • We all know going NC is easy when there are no kids involved. Unfortunately I can’t do that. The father of my children said he wants nothing to do with me and self appointed the OW to “coparent” with me as she is 1000% involved in the kids’ lives and in all decision making. I refuse as I have received numerous, belittling, demanding emails from her (pretending to be him) attacking me personally and professionally. I have no interest in engaging with her and in the triangle she is pulling me into. However, he keeps directing me to communicate with OW, giving me her email address, letting me know she will take kids to soccer, even told me I should meet her and not judge her before I do because she is a wonderful person who is VERY important to him. So how do you make It clear you want nothing to do with her and the only reason you still have to deal with cheater is because you have kids together? In my case, they would think I am still jealous or want him back and that’s why I am resisting the communication with OW.

          • Seeking Peace, I don’t know for sure but it seems like a lawyer could help you with that. What does your settlement say about the kids?

            • The settlement says the two parties have joint custody (meaning the two parents). Lawyer hasn’t been able to help much.

              • SeekingPeace, possibly appoint your own mediator and let them reply with your response. A neutral party that can give you the relevant information and reply on your behalf. Also, unless an emergency, texts only.

              • I agree with Wseoldowl- appoint your own “second person”…it’s so ridiculous, I know, but if HE doesn’t want to be a “co-Parent” and is trying to firce you to deal with his OW, then you get your own OM/OPerson to be your representative. See how he likes it.

                I know, it sounds a little much, but like my ex- the Albatross/TEO wants to rub my nose in his OWife, I almost read finally having a good relationship with a man, because I know he is going to go nuts when I do. See it’s A-OK for him to have his woman, but I can’t have a man?!?!?!?! UGH!!!! These fuck-tards never cease to amaze me with their bullshit.

          • I believe there are computer services/programs that allow you to mutually schedule the childrens’ calendar without having direct contact with your X or his fuck buddy. I believe that both parents enroll and there may be a small fee. Each party then enters the scheduling for the week/month, with designated times, responsibilities, etc. Some judges are now ordering this type of communication as it cuts off the back and forth, especially where a 3rd party is involved in the childcare. Maybe someone here can provide more details. I was fortunate because my kids were older and flat out refused to be pawns, but I think these type of programs can cut down on some of the nonsense.

            • Google calendar. I believe Google provides it for free. I’ve heard it is quite a wonderful aid in facilitating no contact

              • I know one site that is called Our Family Wizard.


                There is a fee, but it may be worth it. Beyond scheduling and posting kids’ activities, it provides a way to email through the site that is automatically a court accepted document, if needed.

              • I was forced to use My Family Wizard by my crazy, abusive cheating STBX. The only winner in this ‘exchange’ was the company who made this mediocre software and charged my STBX for a subscription. In fact, my STBX continued to abuse me through it, and our judge didn’t care. Now STBX and I communicate through plain old free email.

          • You don’t have to deal with her. Shes not their parent. Thus, you can ignore what she says. Or document abuses made by her as part of a pattern and then seek legal response for it.
            If he is too fucking lazy to parent, thats on him. Whats the OWhore gonna do, go to the court and be like “My new schmoopie is too lazy to parent so I’m taking the mother of the kids to court to get her to listen to me regarding parenting issues?” She’d be laughed out of the courtroom.

          • Family Wizard is one such program–I believe it is only $100/year and allows you not to have direct contact with the jerk.

        • I have gone to the police. They are so sick of “US”….the PA State Police is the jurisdiction for where he lives. They know me by name…. they have been very understanding but when I try to press charges I have to do my local police….and they have given him a “warning”…. That’s when the whore went to use the fake #. It’s not traceable….
          Her first text from that number a few months ago was posing as a concerned neighbor….telling me my husband’s Whore and the neighbor Amy were caught having sex. I contacted Amy…she was dumbfounded.
          This chic is coo coo for cocoa puffs crazy. Guess the sex was soooooo good he looked past her crazy ass

          • Tracy…what county in PA did you get your awesome divorce settlement? I realize that might be asking a bit much, so if you’re not comfortable answering, I understand.

            I sure hope this situation gets better for you. However, I think it’s safe to say…you bother her way more than she bothers you. You really don’t even have to respond. You piss her off, just by existing. The next time you feel the urge to talk back, remember: you’re already in her head.

              • I state later in this post more background about my case. My divorce has been stated to be by the President Judge the most vile and contemptuous divorce he has ever seen. That was at a PFA violation hearing where my husband wanted me to go to Jail for hearing my voice on the speaker of my daughters cell phone……I kid you not. I was arrested….cuffed….driven to the magistrate for arraignment. My husband had earlier that day called our daughter a “Fucking Naive Bitch”….she was 17. Hadn’t seen me in 5 moths….I had JUST gotten released from jail for being there almost 9 months. I had my plea hearing that day….she wanted to come and see me….he refused to bring her. They fought….and he called her that. When she got home from school…we were on the phone. He walked in…demanded to know who was on the phone. I said put me on speaker. As soon as I said a word….he said. She just violated. He went downstairs called the police…I was arrested.

                So……my settlement reflects the courts seeing his crazy, abusive treatment of me.

                I exposed him. He was well known….he sells grass fed beef to local restaurants. I exposed him for the fraud that he is.
                I didn’t lie down and shut up….I fought back..

                His only recourse…..jail….

                It worked….for awhile. But the police the DA office…the judges are sick of him. So….when I was awarded 60 %. ..he amped up the attacks. None of them worked.

                He was hoping along with his girlfriend to drive me crazy so I killed myself…or I ended up in jail.

                I made it….I got one daughter out alive…..barely.

                The trauma bonds were deep. I see that now.

      • Great advice, HM!!! I too advise the same — I have posted a few examples of the texts I get from the Albatross/TEO and I. DO. NOT. RESPOND. EVER. His new life, new OWife isn’t as “sparkly” as he intended, and every couple weeks or so (I can almost set a calendar to it) he tries to engage me in some ridiculous text war. I ssssoooo want to respond and defend myself (it’s only natural) but let’s face it- any kind of kibbles are good kibbles to these fuck-tard narcs!!!!

        The latest was on NYE Day about me refusing to add his OWife (NO. He STILL hasn’t come right out and tell me that they are married, nor have I aksed/questioned/confronted him about it either, which is driving him nuts that I. DON’T. CARE.!!!!) to our daughter’s Emergency Contact/pick-up list at her school and I WAS going to give in and do it, but then he sent me three back-to-back antagonizing, threatening, and disrespectful texts, so I didn’t respond, but I didn’t agree to add her on either. FUCK. HIM.

        Also, thank you HM about the “6-month” harassment idea- each time I get these type of text, I want to call the police and file a complaint, but I think giving them 6 months of documentation will be plenty of evidence, thank you!!!!

  • The OW in my marriage was not one of the crazies, but my ex-husband is. You have my sympathy, Tracy. When I finally figured out that he was ENJOYING the drama is when I realized that the cruelest thing I could do to him was to ignore him. It made him nuts.

    If you want to hit this whackadoodle where it really hurts her, all you have to do is ignore. She LIKES it when you call her names. Any attention makes her happy.

    And I agree with HM, why the heck was she texting you multiple times on NYE? Was her Schmoopie unavailable? He’s probably already cheating on her, too. She deserves it.

    • Also, Tracy, it’s impossible to get to Meh when you’re still in the process of getting a divorce. Don’t expect it yet. A year after the legal wrangling was over I was in a much better place, emotionally speaking. It’s been nearly five years since my divorce was final and Meh has arrived.

      • Elizabeth Lee – I totally agree with this! It’s not an instant “meh” after divorce – I’m 5 years since Dday and just now feeling true “meh” most days. It’s a long game, as well. Keep the eye on the prize, Tracy – you will get there!

        • Hi Elizabeth, Their love for the drama is so fucked up.

          Realizing he enjoyed hurting me with the triangulation and drama is helping me see that him being gone is a good thing.

    • My experience as well with the stbx wife. The no-contact drives her nuts! No-contact was for my good and I didn’t anticipate how it would affect her. I actually get some enjoyment that it screws with her mind too!

  • Tracy (the OP), all the OW has is the window-dressing of your former life. Your former house is no longer a home… it’s a Potemkin village. She has the pizza rolls, but she doesn’t have the happy memories made in that house, the love of your children and the respect of the community.

    And on top of all that, her boyfriend took a huge hit to his bank account. For all you know, he’s using your alimony payments as an excuse not to make future plans or make good on his many promises.

    The next time OW sends you a barrage of hateful messages, tell her not to contact you anymore and that if she does, you will contact the police. Then, follow through with that threat and report her for harassment.

    • I agree. Next time she hits, you send her your very last message–a legal warning. After that, you should be permanently NC.

      On the bright side, consider the fact that as soon as you really begin to “mess with her” by ignoring her, the sooner she will start looking for someone else to triangulate with and her lovely situation with your EX will quickly implode. This kind of OW is not going to be happy being ignored–she’ll go find drama elsewhere, and you can enjoy hearing about it from a very safe distance.

    • Send nothing. Period. Not even a warning. Then get a new number.

      Do you think in some way you may still be fighting for your X by engaging, hoping he comes back?

      • That’s what I’m doing when I social media stalk mine, btw. It makes me feel still engaged in his life, still reacting, still playing marriage police even though the game is over.

        I’m working on letting go.

        • Sad in Seattle,

          I did the same thing – it felt like an addiction or compulsion. I was accustomed to checking up on my now ex and his OW, so I did – even though it just confirmed what I already knew and held me hostage to their twisted behavior.

          I quit checking up on them – cold turkey – in January of 2012. It was really hard at first, and I had to find ways to occupy myself to keep from checking up. It gets easier over time, then the compulsion fades and the pain does, too. It was the best decision I made in all of this madness, and I’m still reaping the rewards today.

          I’ve been thinking lately- some 4 years later, when I’m divorced and have moved on with my life, that I should check up on them now. So the urge still crops up from time to time. But I won’t do it. My freedom is so much more valuable than whatever juicy information I might glean. Maybe they are living together in the south of France. Maybe they are living separate, sad, broken lives. I don’t care! It’s wonderful!

          Do it. Cold turkey. I promise that you’ll start to heal when these toxic people are no longer a concern.

          Good luck,

          • My New Year’s resolution was to stop checking, and I feel triumphant having made it to Jan 5 without looking once.

            • Crushed….good job. 5 days is better than no days. He doesnt have a fb…she does….she keeps stuff private. I wonder after its all signed sealed and delivered if that will be the case. I’m sure they will plaster the happiness.

              • And that’s when you block her on facebook! I am often surprised that people don’t take advantage of that feature. My ex didn’t have social media but the OW did and I blocked her immediately. Eventually after I got divorced, I blocked all of my ex in laws and ex-neighborhood friends. When you block them you can’t check up on them and more importantly they can’t check up on you.

                These people are twisted. When things are going well for them you never hear a peep but when things start going south, they will try to suck everyone into their vortex of fuckedupness! And heaven help you if things might be going better for you than they are for them. It’s better to ignore and never poke that bear by responding.

          • Yes, EXACTLY, LilyBart!!!!

            It has been over 6 weeks since I last checked their FB pages and some days I want to ssssooo bad, but then (honest to God) I get here on and I read old posts, check the weather, or just sign out and go wash dishes or something and the urge subsides- it is glorious!!!!

            One of my friends told me early on in the divorce, “You have to MAKE yourself not care!!!” I did, and it is so much easier.

            Plus, the lack of attention I am giving to them on FB or IRl, the better. HE can’t stand it…

            I can’t help but think of how much he triangulated me over and over again with EXH#1 (we met less than 6 weeks after 1st divorce was final) …I would be having a “good day” and not be dwelling on my divorce, custody issues, whatever, and he would just stir me up, get me angry or upset about something with EXH#1 and off I would go – call, email, text, whatever and we would go back and forth for hours…totally emotionally exhausting!!!!

            I did learn a lot from that time with the Albatross/TEO’s divorce- NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT.

            I do not contact him- ever. No matter what. Luckily, so far I haven’t had to contact him for any emergency (thank God) and he usually texts me on his Friday/Sunday when it’s his weekend letting me know if he’s getting her from school or not…other than that, I should NOT have to hear from him- unless he is need of kibble since his new life isn’t as “sparkly” as he wants me to think it is.

        • Sad In Seattle:
          I live in Seattle too. You think it’s our miserable climate that makes them cheat. Probably not. More like lousy character.
          I still do the social media stalking but mine is now more about watching the twilight zone of a marriage he is in. This was a man who was a red meat and potatoes guy. Not even chicken (Poultry allergy) who now eating ‘Sushi’?!?! He wouldn’t even try grilled fish when I begged him to once while we were on a weekend couples trip.
          He’s done a lot of things that a totally or 180 degrees out of character and things he’s swore he never would do since he met the red head whore but oh well…I think she’s a princess who like to get her way and he is totally spineless and afraid of being alone. AKA totally whipped….I smell misery all around soon if not already.
          Disclaimer: I was never married to him but we did date for a few years and more importantly he told me he loved me all the time. His betrayal was my first ever venture into the land of infidelity. Sigh! Made me stronger even if it hurt like a motherfucker.

          • Asswipe pulled stuff on me as well. Lost His financial mind, doing things totally out of character for him, going out, meeting, people, wearing deodorant, cologne, dressing better, giving up constant TV watching, well he’s back to that, manscaping, shaving his back you know all the fun stuff I wanted to do with him when we got our empty nest. Nope net the whore and did all with her, left her, came back, lasted four months, she connived him back with her three weeks, has cheated on her three times and is right back to the sniveling, snarling, depressive negative grouchy bastard he was before he met her. Goody goody, they never change. Change for me I no longer have to live with it or him. There ya go whore juice bitch, you wanted the nasty cheater you got him! Hope he marries her and shows her what he is really like. Fucker!

            • Kar, my xh came back in feb 2015 to wreckoncile! Alghough he swore no contact and therapy. Went to therapy once then was in contact with his concubine also. Decided to run back to his now 23 year old soulmate, he is 52.
              Well happy fucking new year to me, i got my half of marital, and 401 k ?., and he got his daddy issued gf pregnant! Eighteen weeks and counting . His car engine blew up. Can I get an Amen for Karma showing up.
              This is truly the fucking you get for the fucking he gave.
              Everything in its time. Hang in there! ?

              • LOL! Hope he likes changing diapers. And pushing his car around! I have little sympathy for these people who really, truly, think you never get any older. I love babies, but so much more fun when you’re youthful and full of dreams…
                People should have a label somewhere that shows – Ages well, or Extra Peter Pan, some way for us to know! I swear my X thinks he’s 19.

          • By the way cutting off all social media, all of it, best thing I ever did. Never looked or peeked not even once. Ex told me he misses my happy little postings. I took my Facebook account down completely about a year ago. Very freeing way too much drama.

          • Kar Marie…..”whore juice bitch”…… lmao!!!
            Mine changed too… he dressed….talked….what he watched on TV…..he WAS a die hard FOX News Republican Christian moral man…. ( gag…spit….gag) then watched WWF wrestling with her sons….She smokes….he HATES smoking….now buys her her packs.
            No dogs were allowed in our house….now their dogs are inside dogs.
            But…..NYE…..I bet he was sleeping on the couch….drooling….and she was soooooo bored she texted me.
            I personally was asleep until my phone went off. I’m not a party kinda girl.
            But a week ago I went out country line dancing and posted on facebook with friends….she texted me after that….she’s jealous….she’s stuck with my old frumpy boring Wasband.

            • This is all so typical for narcs. I mean changing for schmoopie my ass. They are just in the idealizing phase of their sick relationship (idealize-devalue-discard, I am sure everyone here is familiar with that). Mirroring whatever schmoopie digs just to get her hooked on them.

              I used to go skiing. My X-cheating-SOB claimed he loved skiing when I met him (we were 20 years old) and was a master skier. Accidentally his skiing equipment got stolen from his grandma’s garage where he kept it just a week before we were supposed to go on our skiing trip and didn’t have any money to buy other equipment. And didn’t want to rent because wasn’t comfortable in wearing rental. And on second thought he wouldn’t be skiing ever again because, well had some problems with a knee. And went on and on with this story that I bought like an idiot, read chump. Fast forward 18 years and I find out a month ago that he hasn’t skied in his fucking life. Never had skiing equipment. It was all just a big fat lie.

              Claimed he loved reading books (I loooove reading) – never saw him read as much as a newspaper in 18 years, claimed he loved watching movies. Over the past at least 10 years I was going to the movies by myself because he would be too tired or not in the mood for a movie. An the list goes on and on….

              My point: they are not changing. They are just mirroring, it’s part of their sick-fuck personas and the rest will follow shortly. But don’t hold your breaths for that. Just say a big thank you for getting rid of their sorry asses and move on with your lives. Be mighty!

              ((Hugs to everyone here))

              • So true, Unchumping, they don’t change for schmoopie. Narcs are so basic, it’s like they are on a continuous reel. With each new person, they start out charming and wonderful but they can’t keep up the facade. I can’t tell you how may times X would come home from work telling me how funny, nice, etc. some person was, only to call them a loser in about two months time.

                All the chumps on this site are smart, articulate people and these freaks got us to marry them. And it’s not that they got tired of US, they got tired of trying to con us into telling them they are great when we knew better. They don’t like to be told who they really are. At the core. So they go find some idiot who wants attention but the attention is for the narc, not because schmoopie is so wonderful. Schmoopie is just a fresh audience for these one-act, two dimensional, shallow humanoids. And the cycle starts again.

              • Agree. I’ve noticed the switching back to many of his old ways. They never change for the better. Whore juices problem now.

              • And they know Uneffing, they know. When we had our two months wreckonciliation and I was paying for his therapy – I am such a chump, I know – he told me that the whole therapy thing made him very uncomfortable. He said he feared of what he might find out about himself. Hahaha…Didn’t find out much though, he bailed after a couple of months. I guess narcs and therapy are NOT like peas and carrots.

                And of course, at the time, I was in “but I love you, let’s save our marriage, my love for you will make you see that your place is next to your wife and kids” mode and couldn’t make any sense of that. A year later and no contact since April things are much more clear. So for all you good folks who are still in the early stages of finding out and/or dealing with this shit-storm, please stay the course and trust that they suck. Protect yourselves, do your grieving and move on with your lives. You are good people and deserve good lives.

              • So very very true UnchumpingMyself. Mine was a red meat and potatoes, republican, atheist who swore he would never buy a house, get married or have kids. Well he had his wedding in an episcopal cathedral, sold his almost paid off house to buy a $800K new house and now eating sushi. WTF?? Who is this guy? All I can think is it must be true Wuv.

          • OMG, yessss, the “chameleon/mirroring” yesssss!!!!

            My ex- would rant and rage about the “souped-up” trucks and cars that would “peel-out” and rev their engines by our house for the last two years…now? He has his muffler cut off his shit-er-ado…

            When we first met, I felt “so connected” that we “had so much in common— music, faith, idea, ideals, beliefs, etc.” but over time, I realized just how much of a facade all that really was…

  • Tracy, I assume she was the OW on DDay and if so, I’m thinking that she liked that triangle her, him, and you. She’s trying to continue that and you’re playing right into her hand. If you’re not in the game then what is she left with? HIM. Doesn’t sound to me like that will be fun for her since she seems to thrive on involving multiple people in her games. Listen to the advice here and go/stay No Contact. You’re done with him and you deserve to build a new life for yourself and your daughters that is as cheater and OW free as it can be. I don’t think you want your daughters to see you stoop to her level. They will know – she and your ex will tell them so they can be drawn into the games too. Put a stop to it now.

    • She is the OW from the beginning….BUT…as someone commented further down…a memory came.back of something he told his Aunt….he said “if it wasn’t Migdalia, it be another woman and another woman and another…..”
      So basically….I’m a cheater…I like women…I’ve had several and that isn’t going to change..

      That was a bat upside my head….he portrayed himself as Mr..White Collar Christian Family Man. Key word…..portrayed.

  • Now his 30 year old princess has to go out on New Years Eve with 20 year olds catching your ex cheater pants eye, so to feel beautiful, she drunk texts his ex wife. Typical weak minded, insecure, OW.

  • Tracy,
    CL is absolutely correct. The best revenge is no contact and (at minimum) the “appearance” of not giving a shit. Every time you engage with your ex or the whore – you feed the beast and it ultimately will bite you – not them.
    I’m 2 years out of my divorce – also a long term (25 years) marriage with two daughters who my ex abandoned completely outside of cosmetic interaction for a piece of rough trade he’d been banging for over 4 years as an affair. My daughters were in their late teens and he did delightful things like cut off child support on the day of their graduation as his version of a gift, never paid a cent toward their college education and after the first year of mega Christmas present giving (keep in mind he’s ALL about the show) his frustration at their refusal to meet or engage with his mistress/now wife number 3 was to decrease the gifts for birthdays and Christmas until they were getting coupon packs from a local convenience chain. So I know assholes and their whores.

    But after the divorce and short of one hot exchange when I caught him hiding an asset from his bankruptcy and our marital settlement – I’ve been completely NO CONTACT. I blocked his phone and hers and any business phone either might use. I just stopped, and even though I’d get trickling information on the $25K Barbados wedding, the expensive “man cave” he installed, etc – I just reacted in my own head if I felt the need and let it go. And you know what? It bugs the hell out of him. Now he does his best to post things on his FB page (which he always kept private to friends) as public to “show us” what he’s got and how happy he is with all his new life and new money (hers) to spend and not a care in retirement. He wants to be paid attention – and it’s killing him that everyone from his old life just doesn’t seem to care an iota.

    You won’t believe it – because they are painting such a picture of blissful togetherness – because they’re “soulmates” after all – but the colors won’t last – they’ll run. Keep remembering NOT what you thought he was, but who he PROVED to be. That will help. Your girls will recognize it – I guarantee. They’ll see who is the true “parent” versus some enfant terrible with horndog issues. You made a killer settlement – better than mine because I only got 50 % of my marital asset on his teacher’s pension. So celebrate your incredible legal team and good fortune and go live life without thinking about your past. Most of the “good” memories that haunt us in the wee hours are skewed by reverie, anyway. And the man you remember -the man you loved just doesn’t exist anymore, if he ever really did. These narcissists really can play a long game when it comes to appearances.

    Go live and love your life and family. You won!

    • My ex does not seem to care much at all that neither I nor our three children have anything to do with him, but AP#1 (now his wifestress), sure does. She had blocked me on Facebook on D-Day (we were all “family friends” before I found out about their decades-long affairs), and I never thought a thing about it afterward. But I heard she was less than pleased when I re-married, since my ex had promised her they would marry immediately and ex…ahem….delayed as long as he could. That put her into a rage.

      Anyhoo, they finally got married this past summer, and I learned that she had unblocked me and was posting all her Facebook pics for public consumption, in the hopes that I would see them and die of envy. As soon as I found out I blocked her. When she realized her dastardly plan to have us all sobbing and screaming in misery did not work, she then resorted to posting their wedding pics to her own business website. My kids and I still don’t look or react–at all. No fun for Schmoopie.

      Our oldest dog died two days ago. Youngest son, now 16, is infinitely sadder about the loss of our faithful and fierce puppy than he ever was over the complete loss of his “father.”

      Buh-bye loooooosers! We don’t miss ya.

  • The best thing you can do is act like you are happy for them. Say you wish them the best and they deserve one another. Because they do. And if you think you’re hurting now, who is going to hurt when he retires and 60 pct of the retirement funds goes to you? HAHA!

    • Mirad

      I will never pretend or act like I’m happy for either of them. Why? It contradicts everything we stand for as chumps. Nope. Happy is reserved for knowing I’m not with a disordered asshole.
      There is a different type of pain knowing a cheating bitch is living in your home enjoying things you designed and bought. However, that pain too will subside. You Rock the Divorce, Tracy. You came out of it with integrity and respect from your daughters. It’s a new beginning and a new year!! You will shine!! So he has an old appliance, lol.

      • Donna….Old appliance…..yes…. and there will be new models I’m sure. My vacancy leaves hers wide open too.
        I miss my house….and my killer stove….not him….not him at all. I’m more pissed she wastes that stove on Pizza rolls than her screwing my husband in my bed….. I saved for 2 years for that stove.

        • Look at it the other way: she’s living in a house where every pore and fiber is a reminder of YOU!! That’s got to be a huge smack to her every day – haha!!

          Don’t respond to the OW, but also remember you’ll feel differently in 1 year. My 1 year divorce anniversary is this week (yay!). I also got the better end of the settlement deal, and that’s even more apparent 1 year later than it was when the divorce was just being finalized 12 months ago. I kept the house, because Frankenstein moved 2000 miles east to be with the OW and now that’s it’s been a year, and I’m really making the house MINE with renovations and my kids and I are enjoying stress free vacations without The Disordered, and Frankenstein is feeling the pinch of child support, trust me, the bloom will be off the rose on your EH and his OW.

          • Chris….I do wonder what life will be like a year from now. I will be glad to getting back to doing what I do best….hair…and expanding that business. I can’t wait to buy my new digital camera. I had just started taking up photography. I was really getting good at it.

            My life for 3 years has been evictions…sheriffs…state police…jail….jail….jail….court dates….arrested….more court dates….fire old attorney…hire new attorney….new job with new attorney….

            whew….I need a vacation.

        • Tracy, I would not engage or let the OW take up any more of your mental real estate…BUT work hard and save your money for a MORE gorgeous stove. Throw a party for your fabulous strong daughter when she graduates and only invite friends and family who had your back and your daughter’s duriing the shit storm you both will have survived. Make your fan fresh pizzas and take photos of you killin’ it over your stove, smiling selfies with you daughter, family and friends. Post those happy pictures on social media. This will likely put OW skank over the edge and she will be raging seeing you and your daughter happy and THRIVING…:)

          • Hope49. … I will do that…
            If her seeing a post over me out country line dancing throws her over the edge…I can’t imagine my new life….my new debt free…paid by her boyfriend…new life.

    • Being ‘happy’ for the OW is basically condoning her narc-shit. Don’t do it!

  • “the fact is, she feels so unhinged by insecurity that she has to taunt you. She WANTS the triangle. She WANTS the competition and the pick me dance. She NEEDS the fight to feel central in Mr. Cheaterpants life”

    THIS till the day I die. She is so insecure that her kibbles come in the form of reminding you how your cheater liar husband “picked” her over you. And like everyone says, to be consumed with YOU on NYE and not her family or cheater liar, well that speaks volumes.

    • I suspect that he is making her feel “less than.” Like, “Tracy used to make the best pizzas with fresh ingredients” as he chokes down a pizza roll. So, being an unstable, insecure OW, she takes it out on you instead of dumping his ass.

      • I am well known for being a fantastic cook. So…..I know he chokes down her rice and beans…tacos…. she is Latino ethnicity. Not that there’s anything wrong with that….but she can’t even make a taco…my daughter has eaten her food…. it’s horrible. I’m told she burns everything.

        My husband just admitted in court his girlfriend will.have no use for cookie cutters or icing tools….she doesn’t bake. He said he needed the cookie.sheets….for……GARLIC BREAD AND PIZZA ROLLS…..

  • Tracy it might be time to get a new number, even if this makes it annoying. Maybe get a burner phone for your ex to call you for emergencies only (so no Memes sent via that way) and get him to not share that with OW (although this might be hard). It is easier to go NC when you don’t get harassed.

  • So so so true, if she were happy why would she waste her energy to taunt you? They say misery likes company. My guess is that your stbx is wealthy and she is obviously an uneducated bar wench who saw opportunity when she met a rich patron. The thrill of winning him over has worn thin, also he will have less money at his disposal when the divorce will go through to spend on her. You said you won 60% due to the contemptuous manner he treated you, I have a feeling he is about to get a taste of his own medicine,

  • The whore sent him home one night with territory marks on his neck how fucking junior high school is that? The bitch is 50. Apparently she gets what’s she wants by any means necessary. Told me everything I needed to know about the hos moral character. And this is what he wants a bitch who worships at his feet with money who throws temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. Nice, kind, me thinks not. He ain’t much better goes into rages when he does not get his way. This was a fairly stable stand up guy for 27 years. Think you know someone well apparently not. I sure didn’t. Looking so forward to ending all the drama and bs here let them figure it out. He’s cheated on her multiple times and left and went back twice. Yeah, let will work out. Sure. Best bet hard as it is and it is is no contact with either one. Once I’m gone I’m gone. I will never contact him again. But he wants to be friends and he wants to be there for me in case I need him. For what? More emotional abuse. Hard, hard, hard, move forward and never ever look back!

    • Whack-a-doodle-doo for sure!!!!

      Yeah, ex-Albatross/TEO is 37, his OWife is 26— Christmas Day he had faint hickey mark on his neck- he made sure to turn his body so I would notice it. I laughed so hard when I left his presence I almost peed my pants!!!! Fucking idiot!!! 37-year-old with a hickey!!! Stay classy!!!!

  • Seems like wacky ow is pissed about you getting a good divorce settlement. She gets your loser ex and a used stove. She got door #3 on let’s make a deal, a donkey assed cheater and used stove. I give their “marriage” less than a couple of years.

    She’s pissed because your loser ex is whining about being broke and she better make pizza rolls on that used stove because he cannot afford to take her out to the Olive Garden.

    You didn’t follow the script, you were supposed to go live in a cardboard box and they were going to sip Asti Spumante from each other butt holes and live in pizza roll nirvana.

    I hope you’re laughing all the way to the bank.

    • ‘You didn’t follow the script, you were supposed to go live in a cardboard box and they were going to sip Asti Spumante from each other butt holes and live in pizza roll nirvana.’

      …. ROFL, that’s hysterical PF – thanks for the belly laugh 😀

      • Pizza roll nirvana…..I’m dying…… and the drinking from the butt hole…… I can’t even…… lol

        • Asi Spumante sounds too swish for mz Pizzarollio-more like Ripple, or Mad Dag2020

    • PF- You are hilarious!! I love the Let’s Make A Deal reference, I will think of OW getting zonked, because she did! Cheater still lives in her basement, it’s all too funny!

    • “You didn’t follow the script, you were supposed to go live in a cardboard box and they were going to sip Martini & Rossi Asti-Spumante [I still remember the commercial, LOLOLOL] from each other butt holes and live in pizza roll nirvana. ”


      WORRRD, PF, WORD!!!!

      Exactly- I was supposed to drown myself in misery as he goes off and lives his sparkly new life…I was supposed to be broke, miserable, counting the days until he returned…Nope-Nope-Noppity-Nope!!!!

      I meant to say this earlier, but NYE was particularly enjoyable for me for the first time in over 13 years I was able to go out where I wanted, with who I wanted and didn’t have to worry about our daughter. You see, he has always claimed that NYE is his “one night” a year he loves to go out with a bang and get tore up. The last 13 years, I was either home alone with our child while he had to “work” or we would go somewhere with our child and he would stay and I would have to take our child home. This year, as per our divorce decree/visitation schedule, he had our daughter- HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAA!!!!! I doubt very seriously that he left our child with his OWife and her two kids plus our child home alone on their “first NYE” so I’m sure he was miserable as fuck and used our conflict from earlier that day to justify his foul mood!!! Not. My. Problem. He wanted his OW, he wanted our divorce, he paid for it and the visitation schedule is what he paid for. Should’ve been nicer about it, asshole!!!! Not that I would’ve changed my plans for his convenience, those days are over!!!!

  • WOW! She spreads her legs for a married man (one who so easily discards his wife and kids), moves into the discarded wifes HOME, and then TAUNTS the betrayed wife? What kind of person DOES this? You would think she might feel some shame or guilt …but apparently not. She is the same type of person as the cheating man she is living with. Two cruel and selfish people who will probably betray each other someday. Just disgusting.

  • Tracy, one of my exh’s OW was one of the lunatic fringe. She would call our home phone, email me, have others call me. She or her friends would say sick things to whoever answered the phone, including my kids. When she started calling the house I would hang up as soon as I knew it was her or her friends. She would call from spoofed numbers so I didn’t know who was calling. So then I assigned a special ring to numbers I knew, such as my family, the doctor, the schools, etc. So I wouldn’t answer the phone if it didn’t have the special ring. I also instructed my children to not answer the phone at all.
    OW tried desperately to get a response from me so she ramped up the antics. She would call my then-husband and tell him she was pregnant. That was a lie. She tried to get him to give her money for doctor appointments and transportation to the doctor–you know, because she was fake pregnant. She also started calling my relatives and when one of them would answer the phone, she would shrilly proclaim she was pregnant by then-husband. OW then would call then-husband and accuse him of going to her apartment and leaving things outside her door. What things you ask? It was never quite specified that I can remember. She called at all times of the day from spoofed numbers or private numbers and she would call over and over and over and over.
    The reason she did this and escalated her psycho behavior was because I would not respond to her and ignored her. Ignoring her drove her wild. She was out of her mind with desperation to get me to engage. She also became desperate because her true love rejected her and didn’t go running to her after she outer him. Oops, no more fancy dinners and dates and getting her bills paid.
    Ignore the OW. She isn’t worth your time and it will drive her nuts. Let the two losers have each other. They will most likely make each other miserable soon enough.

  • Tracy,

    Think of it this way. If OW has the inclination to contact you it must be getting pretty dull over in Happyville. No more letting her goad you into a teenage drama. You shall be silent, as the ninja.

    The disordered need a target. Remove yourself, and allow the inevitable to unfold. Eventually, it will be the cheater she unloads her toxins on to.

  • the ow for me contacted me through fake accounts on facebook,(blocked many times on daily baiss for 3 months) accusing me of trying to get back with ex, this was early last year. yes i had spoken to him about household things but that was it, she said nasty things about me and things only he could have told her but what really got me was all the nasty things she said about him being such a old horrible fat liar to name a few, then what, they still together now all happy etc or so i think iv been no contact since March 15 , i cant understand how she could slag him off so badly saying all the things i know he is a liar , cheater etc but she sill wants him lol i hope they are very happy for ever and ever and have lots of babies (he never wanted kids and force her to have an abortion last xmas)

  • All of that “stuff” that that insecure bitch of an OW “won” will serve as a CONSTANT reminder to her of your presence. It’s all of YOUR used stuff — the house and everything in it, including your ex. She merely is a replacement of you. He will expect her to pick up where you left off — nothing will change except that SHE will be dealing with the BS now. Consider yourself LUCKY that soon you will have the opportunity to start fresh with a clean, cheater-free slate — out with the old and in with the new!!

    CL is absolutely on point with everything she said. The OW is clearly unhinged and it makes her feel superior to harass you. When you respond to her provocations she feels justified. She KNOWS that she is expendable, an appliance. Don’t beat yourself up at losing your resolve to ignore her taunts — my God, it’s hard not to defend yourself when an “adult” is behaving in such a juvenile manner — attacking you when SHE is central to the issue and clearly does not know boundaries!! She is as guilty as your ex. You know now that responding to her is pointless.

    Protect yourself from further abuse — don’t answer calls or open texts from unknown numbers. Change your phone number if necessary. Refuse to take the bait. Hold your head up. Your daughters will soon figure out that their father is disordered. You can help them by teaching them how to assert themselves with him — DO NOT engage with him on their behalf!! College tuition was a battle with my ex. Seek out other avenues — loans, grants, scholarships. Hugs and best wishes to you!!! You will be fine!!!

    • Over and Out is right. Every day in your house with your stove and your ex husband reminds your replacement part that she is Not You. She is living with your sloppy seconds and will be expected to do what you did so well and know your ex’s preferences as you did, and she will fall short. Every day. Not your fault, not your problem. Stay no contact with the both of them.

  • Tracy, you gave more details of this sick situation you’re in on yesterdays post. I’m not at all surprised your divorce has notoriety in the courts. I’ve read some disgusting stuff here at CL and your story ranks high in the most disgusting stakes. I’m really, honestly so sorry you’ve suffered this crap from him, her and (as I gathered yesterday) one of your daughters.

    It seems to me there’s no evil deed low enough that these three fuckwits would stoop to to harm you. I seriously encourage you to take your settlement and get you and your true daughter as far away as you possibly can. Go completely no contact with all three of them (am I right in believing your evil daughter is a mother herself – so she’s not a child). Change all your contact details, go X/D on landline, create a new email account, leave the social media you may have. Share your new contact details only with those you can trust will not pass them on to these three psychopaths. Seriously consider getting a protective order against all three. No one deserves to be abused the way you have been abused by them (and your true daughter was emotionally abused by her father and her sister IMHO). I just don’t understand why the need to continue this vendetta against you – the stupid bitch ‘won’ her prize – what more does she want now? She certainly gets her jollies by abusing you (comments about your private parts on social media – seriously? I hope whoever reads that crap are judging her for the deranged lunatic she is – classy – not)!

    You have a good settlement Tracy. As CL says, there are other shiny stoves in the world. There are other lovely houses. The great news is you get to have the house and stove that are not contingent on the whims of a completely evil bastard. You get to cook pizza for a daughter that appreciates your love and nurture.

    Don’t give batshit crazy OW space in your head. She’s seriously, seriously sick and you are so much more than her.

    • Jayne’s reply sent me back to yesterday’s post to read comments I missed. I think, Tracy, you would benefit from reading about “emotional” incest, which describes situations in which an adult substitutes a child for a spouse. The book I read years ago was “The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life,” by Patricia Love. It’s written for adults recovering from a “special” relationship with a parent but is useful for anyone raised in a household where a parents substituted unhealthy relationships with the kids for a healthy relationship with a spouse. A parent destroying the emotional boundaries between generations is very damaging for the whole family but can make it impossible for a child to grow up and have healthy intimacy. As I recall, the book has a great list of what partners should expect from each other (and which should not be the provence of the child)–from physical intimacy to social partnership.

      There may be other, better books about this kind of emotional abuse. In order to help yourself heal, and to help your younger daughter, counseling or therapy is probably in order. You don’t want to replicate the dysfunction in your new family unit by making your younger daughter your ally. I was raised in a household like this–my father was distinct and absorbed with work and civic matters; my mother was reclusive and narcissistic and pretty much ruined my brother. And certainly, my own struggles with intimate relationships tracks back to the struggle to maintain my “self” in relationship to a mother with no boundaries.

      This stuff is far, far more important than your house or your stove; it’s a fight and struggle to learn healthy functioning so you can move on and to save your younger daughter’s life.

        • Emotional incest….. omgosh……that is exactly it….
          Another sick part is he came.home drunk at 2 am.and went to my younger daughters bedroom…she was up watching a movie….he crawled into bed with her….laid his head on her chest…starting telling to tell him she loved him…..
          His whore was not in for the weekend.
          I wasn’t told this until recently…..she was scared I would kill him and go back to jail.
          She was right…. I about lost my mind when I found out. She tried to commit suicide because of it…another thing I didn’t know until months later.

          He knows I will fight to the end for my daughter….and frankly I think he is afraid of me. And should be….. NO father lays in bed with his 19 year old daughter cuddled up on her chest…. sick sick sick……

    • I, too, went back to re-read yesterday’s comments… Tracy, You have every right to feel violated. Your story is absolutely heart-wrenching — such sick, vile acts of cruelty and abuse you have endured. I am so very sorry for your pain. I pray that you are able to overcome this trauma soon and find peace in your life. I hope you have a good counselor to help you sort through all of the unconscionable mindfuckery. (((many hugs to you!!!)))

  • Tracy,
    Oh girl . . . look . . . think for a second about the mindset of the typical OW. Here’s someone that was willing to be second best. I imagine she could have nabbed someone down at the local dive, but she didn’t. She is so pathetic, she settled for someone who already had a family and a wife. Think about the kind of person it takes to do this. This bitch is broken. And the fact that she is still threatened enough and obsessed enough with you to text you and take swipes at you SCREAMS she’s a loon, and that she still needs the ego boost she gets by fucking with you. She wants you to give a shit. Look at that! You’re central. 

    That’s all kinds of fucked up.

    From this day forward, live a happy life. Ignore her. And on social media, do not engage. Don’t post things that may somehow be contrived as a jab at her. People like this LIVE for this shit. Oh look! She’s jealous of me! Just don’t.

    The next time she texts you, you say,”Look, I’m flattered you’re still obsessed with me, but you need to get a life.” Mic drop. And leave it be. After that, say absolutely nothing. Let her choke on her pizza rolls in your old house. (And again, consider the minuscule self esteem she must have to actually live in your old house!)

    The OW in my case was utterly desperate for some kind of interaction with me. She would post things on Facebook designed to hurt me and her X Husband (who she was cheating on with my X). He took the bait from what he told me, and he would kick himself for it. I never said one fucking word to her. She’d post shit all over Pinterest as well. I never did a thing. Then the blocked hang up calls started to happen. Next, she’d do drive-bys down my street. And all I could think is, why in the ever-loving fuck is she buzzing around me. You got my husband, have at it bitch.

    In the end, she won a cheater and I won a great life. It worked out for everyone! So, don’t let her get under your skin. I guarantee you, her day is acoming.

  • You have to be a loon to be an OW. It’s in the job description. Right below “Must be willing to give No Strings Attached Parking Lot Blow Jobs” and “Must Love to share every boring minuscule detail of your boring minuscule life”. By the way, OW. All those secrets you love to share? They really aren’t so secret, after all. Dumb bitches.

    • Holy crap. That’s the mow here too. And she wrote all her secrets out in emails, stupid illiterate hillbilly. Which I found. Always ending the note with “don’t tell anyone!” Well, I did tell everyone the stupid shit she did, like cheat on her first h with his brother who is now her h. Her only skill, and it loses its shine after a bit, is blowing who ever she thinks will elevate her professional status. And after 25 yrs, she’s still entry level. I will thank her for not being on the fringe, even though she did not like being dumped and fired. She only emailed me once with 1 sentence and I ignored her. Then I moved 1000miles away.

      It does piss me off that it’s been over 2 years and she still is under my skin.

  • No Contact is your best friend here.

    HM offers strong advice. Refuse to engage in any kind of exchange, and document each message that Batshit Crazy OW (BSCOW) sends to you. Follow up on your promise to contact the authorities. If you feel uncomfortable in making this kind of ultimatum, have your lawyer do it for you.

    In the meantime, practice flipping the OW’s negatives into positives. OW boasts about how she’s heating up plastic frozen food in the oven you bought to create gourmet feasts. Okay. Think about this. OW can’t fucking cook! Now think even more: your crap STBXH prefers someone who’d feed him cheap grocery store junk food over someone who loves cooking great meals. And OW thinks she’s an upgrade? Hah!

    By the way, next time you see STBXH in court, check to see if he’s a bit heavier. OW may be 30, but at 30 you can’t eat pizza rolls without penalty, and if your STBXH is over 40, then he definitely can’t eat that kind of diet without it catching up to him.

    Oh, and the fact that she’s putting up the Christmas tree that you bought? Either your STBXH is too damn cheap to buy another one or the BSCOW is desperately trying to assume your identity. Poor thing really feels threatened. 😛

    So go No Contact with OW. If you do happen to see something that’s irritating, flip it around to see it for the pathetic ploy that it is.

    Then go take that settlement and alimony and build a great life for you and your kids!

    • Kb….. thanks….and every word you said is true…. and my stbx is 57….soooooo junk food is not his friend. I’m 46….Whore is 34. ….

      It takes alot to be who I was….wife mother PTO member….Senior Class Mom….Jr. Prom committee…band mom….cheer mom…..Hairdresser…..master gsrdener…and budding photographer.

      My shoes are huge….and designer….

  • Tracy, I had something very similar happen with my cheating whore of an ex-wife. Fucktard (my classy name for her OM boss) got her knocked up and she ran away out of state because she was a fucking coward. Fucktard starting texting me on one of those fake number apps, saying things like my children weren’t mine and she was going to get full custody and all sorts of shit. I didn’t respond, not that I didn’t want to I wanted to do a HELL of a lot more than respond, but I realized that they were both behind these texts, they were trying to get a response from me to use against me. Don’t ever think they will stop trying to get that money back from you, and making your life miserable is just the icing on the cake for them. They are trying to make you lose it so badly that they can take everything from you. Your STBX knows about these texts, I guarantee it. One of the hardest things I have done was to ignore that shit, I showed it to my lawyer and to as many of our mutual friends as possible and I saved that shit. Not to remind myself of how lucky I am to get away from that whore but also as a protection for me. Give that shit to your lawyer and the cops and let them deal with it. Fuck those assclowns, someday the veneer will wear off and like CL says then they are just left with each other and the pile of shit they created.

    • Accubonded… ex DOES know….he stupidly admitted to knowing about her fake face book page recently. He has a PFA on me….so I cannot contact him….but he harrasses me thru her all the time.. The police know…..
      It’s sad when the PA State Police pull you over for a traffic citation….and ask when your divorce is going to be final.

  • I never heard from the OW, even though they were carrying on for eight years until the stbx finally left. Then he went no contact on ME. The only thing I ever saw was a sarcastic email from her to him, threatening him not to give me any money to run/keep the house! So- although my agreement is not yet final, I will get zero maintenance, zero interest in the business I helped him build and he gets to keep all the money he doesn’t know I can see he is hiding from me. So, I got nothing except all the debts, my 401k and the roof over my head. In NY, if you can work, no maintenance (alimony). So you got a great deal financially. Maybe I would have felt better if the OW had bothered to harass me but I am so unimportant, they both treat me as if I am dead. I have never met her, never spoken with her and I hope/pray that I never do. I do think, however, that her constantly contacting you means that she feels you are still a threat. Although I didn’t choose to go no contact, it has really helped me to heal. I can’t imagine how horrible it would be to be have to be harassed by the very person who participated in breaking up your marriage. Stop engaging. They will go away if it’s not fun for them anymore. If they were truly happy, they wouldn’t be bothering you. Plus you have the satisfaction of knowing that your husband ended up with a woman who is truly bat shit.

    • (((((Hugs))))) lostandfound, you got a raw deal.

      The little twit my ex carried on with never contacted me at all. I can’t even imagine what I’d say if she ever did. Ha-ha at this point I might actually thank her!

      I just thought you really do have a great outlook now and gave some good advice.

    • Lost and found ……that is a raw deal. Alimony is rare these days. And I fought for mine… my divorce judge….is my criminal judge….he watched my husband put me in jail. He heard my daughters testify against him (in the beginning) so he valued that in the settlement. …thank God.

      I have become something I never imagined…..I am so strong….jail tough….street smart….and I will take on any judge or lawyer….they don’t intimidate me at all. They are no better than me. No worse…..

      my boss is my attorney and I’ve told him off a time or two. We respect each other. I have changed how he handles divorce. I bring knowledge to the table. I got a freaking law degree in the school of divorcing a narcissistic asshole.

  • T

    All good advice here but I’m gonna dip down into the low – pizza rolls? Seriously. Ugh.

    I’m sure the beautiful oven is not clean either.

    It’s hard to believe that a spouse could replace YOU with that! We are all in that boat, spinning in the current wondering WTF just happened. Now that your divorce is final, go get some peace. I am still working on that but, this past week I heard Fatso got engaged to the Downgrade at Christmas (ahem, he proposed on Christmas Day to me as well….apparently that’s all his playbook has in it). Now I’m not gonna tell you it didn’t bug me, but not nearly as much as I thought it would. Cheers to me.

    Block that number, record all future interactions with the idiot OW and go silent!

    Hugs and MEH to you!

    • My one daughter said that as she was leaving the house the other night his whore was on her hands and knees wiping down the front of the stove…..seems being on her knees is her preferred position. She had just made Tacos for dinner…and offered my moving out daughter one….My girl declined….
      Would you like a Taco to go with the Happy Meal of an imploded life I served you????

      My girl held her own……I am proud of her.

      • Tracy, I want to give your daughter and you a BIG (((hug))). I applaud your daughter’s reserve and calm. As a young woman I think I might have backed OW into the stove and put her in a choke hold. Next- I would have smeared that f***in’ taco in OW skank’s face! 🙂

  • “I know that I know that I know my STBX is a bastard who threw away his family and 20 years on a 30-year-old bar whore. No news flash there….But, how do I get past that I am not over losing my life, losing my house, losing my dreams for my daughters to graduate college…How did I allow a meme from his whore plunge me into a depression spin?”

    When I look at the passage from your letter quoted above, it seems that you answer your own question. A meme from the OW can plunge you into depression because you believe you have “lost” your life and your dreams. Never mind the house. I get how hard it is to see your well-loved home in the hands of the OW. But think of that as a symbol of your old life. You had a lovely home and possessions that were destroyed by cheating. Those things were just things; what matters was the love and hope you invested in them. The six-burner, commercial grade stainless steel stove will eventually wear out. You would buy a new one and not miss it a bit. What you are mourning is what it stood for–how you nurtured your family. But as long as your focus is on what you’ve lost, the OW will retain the power to control how you feel, what you do. She has stuff that belonged to you, but while you lost a cheater and a house, you gained your life.

    So your family is downsized. You have daughters to get through college. Now that you are almost free of legal entanglement, how far are you on the road to re-desiging your life? One of the Pinterest boards I started is called “Begin Again.” Mostly, it’s just a collection of sayings and quotations about starting over. But every time I pinned one, it reminded me that I was “beginning again,” and I was free to design the life I want right now. Once you put your focus on building a new life–and building as someone smarter and wiser and tougher than the one who picked STBX–the OW and the Cheater will be receding in your rear view mirror. You can find a great place to live, just the right size, and choose every single thing you want to have in it, from the thrift shop clock on the mantle to the vintage double-oven enameled stove–if that’s what you want. All to reflect the person you are becoming.

    I’m thinking that if the OW was using some secret phone number, you have probably blocked her known numbers. The simplest is to get a new number and give it out only to those you trust or for business purposes. Annoying and inconvenient for a few weeks but then you get no texts from Schmoopie. And your STBX doesn’t get that number. You deal with him primarily through email. That gives you time and space to respond to him. If he needs to be able to contact you by phone regarding your daughters, keep the old phone line for that purpose or buy a Trac phone. My guess is that part of the triangulation is your STBX getting to you by using the OW–she is just a mouthpiece for his rage that you fought back and got a settlement. A cell phone gives them a direct line into your recovering mind and emotions. So the person to crack down on is the Cheater. Set up clear rules and boundaries for communication with HIM and stick to them. If it’s not too late, have that process outlined in the settlement.

    You are mighty. You got the divorce, you got a kick-ass settlement. Now raise those girls to be strong, resilient and independent. There is nothing in the world to prevent them from going to college. What it will take is a reckoning with available resources and a smart selection process that maximizes educational value and minimizes debt. Maybe the girls can commute. Or maybe they can become “resident assistants” after the first year and thus get free rooms. You are one smart cookie, money-wise. I am sure you are up to the challenge of figuring out how they can finance college while at the same time becoming financially savvy women who know how to look after their own interests. You can do this.

    • All true. Your new untainted life will be exactly what you choose. No negotiated compromises that result in a hideous naugahyde Barcolounger in your living room (or whatever your equivalent was). In time, losing that house will feel like the blessing that it was because it housed some really shitty memories you’d rather live without. The STBX and the OW will find another outlet for their antics or will turn on each other once you’ve left the game. You can absolutely do this.

  • Time for me to confess. The Bible says we can confess our faults to each other and be healed. Chump Nation is my safe haven -you all understand. So here it is–I said terrible hurtful, but true things to the OW and I loved it. I am still not sorry in the least. It is so pathetic. My CH, the OW and I are all grandparents and still acting like children. In honor of all my more mature fellow chumps, I pledge to work on having a better attitude.

    • Linda2, that is hilarious! High five on acting like a child and not being sorry for it!

      • I made Jesus blush…. trust me…. I even sent her the “pointing cool jesus” saying you got to be kidding me right???

        I sent her things about she has had more balls in her mouth than a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos….

        Whore, slut, slore, slunt, C word…. cum dumpster,

        • Hungry Hippos!!! Stop I’m dying laughing!!!!!

          It might not be healthy to say it to her, but goddamn that shit is FUNNY

          just come here and say it all – we’ll truly appreciate it

        • Bahahaha….the “pointing cool Jesus!” OMG, I have to go find Jesus memes now, just for the fun of it!

        • OMG, LMAOOOOOOO!!!!! Holy shit, that’s hilarious!!!! I love “cool Jesus”

          ROTFLMAO @ Hungry-Hungry-Hippos!!!!! Awesome!!!!

          Whenver I get our daughter back from his visits, he wears a DILLIGAF (Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck) shirt- he has 3 or 4 now in a variety of colors, LOL. Anyway, I think I am going to have a shirt made with “cool Jesus” on it saying “I may love you, but every one else thinks you’re an asshole!!!”

    • You don’t need to answer to us. I’ve said things to OW once as well, and while I know it wasn’t my finest moment as a human, I also don’t lose any sleep over it.

  • “She finally has to confront her prize”. Perfectly stated, CL. For some of these whores it’s all about the win. They need to engage in a battle to the death with another woman. (They most likely were ignored by all the boys in middle school and hated the girls they paid attention to.) When they “win” this battle (snort!) and claim their prize, all the fun goes out of it for them. So they have to keep prodding – Hoping to get a response.

    If their relationship was all about Twue Wuv, she’d be satisfied with her dumpster of shit. I think she’s realized that her first prize medal is made of brass and will soon tarnish and get that black shit all over her hands. Whores hate that.

  • Most of us have done it, going bat shit crazy and say something we regret. Forgive yourself, the craziness could drive a sane person mad. You had a moment, now move on.

    OW is pathetic. They deserve each other. Good news you don’t have to deal with it anymore.

    As far as college, people who have to work harder to achieve something end up being better for it. Your daughter will learn this and become more successful in her career and life.

    Good luck!

  • My then-husband and his schmoopie were extremely exhibitionist about their affair (once I found out about it). Pictures on FB, glamorous formal parties, “I have the best girlfriend EVER!” posts on social media, dates to all of the places I liked, etc. I engaged. I called her a whore. I wrote her an angry letter mocking her for dating a loser who had needed to bum money for gas off his disabled daughter (for reals). They took all that and carved it into an “his soon-to-be-ex-wife is ‘psycho’ and ‘dangerous'” narrative. Their’s was a forbidden love and I was the angry, scorned wife trying to stand in their way, she was the real victim here.

    So, I stopped. Went NC and blocked them both on FB. Told them they were two pieces of crap and I was glad they’d found one another because, so long as they were together, they were no longer floating around in the dating pool, contaminating it for the rest of us. Stopped caring (or at least, stopped giving off the appearance of caring) and stopped engaging.

    They broke up a few weeks later. Turns out the satisfaction from winning the “pick me” dance was the only thing that kept schmoopie around and once I was gone, schmoopie had little reason to stay.

    Do NOT triangulate with crazy. Don’t do it. The satisfaction of insulting her will be short-lived and it just isn’t worth it. Withdraw and leave them to themselves to make the best of what they find there. Chances are, what they find there is going to be hell.

  • And in regard to Jayne’s observation about Tracy’s post yesterday, it’s clear that STBX has major triangulation issues–pitting one daughter against his wife to get her put in jail, pitting the OW against his wife, pitting the daughters against each other. Once Tracy disengages entirely, what’s left: the OW against the crazy daughter. Or another OW. So the faster Tracy goes no contact and stays that way, the faster STBX will look elsewhere for his triangle.

  • Tracy, you need to acknowledge that you are still angry at your EX and jealous of the OW. Listen, I get it. My EX bought a house and moved in with OW#2 but told me he just needed ‘space to think about things’. Did I mention he was 40 and she was 25? I was devastated that he chose an unattractive, untalented and manipulative 25 year old over me. (I knew her.) Were they in love? I don’t know. I was stuck on the fact she was 25 — and that he left a few days after my 40th birthday leaving me in limbo while I waited for him to figure stuff out. (I discovered what he had been up to on DDay#2.) I didn’t see that my self esteem from the lies and gaslighting was zero. I couldn’t acknowledge that my relationship was hell by the end.

    Slowly I got my life back. I got ME back. I am very grateful to be free.

    You can’t see that the battle is now over. You’ve got a great settlement. Once you get some space/time — you can start to see what you have gained. You can now move ahead with your life.

    How do you get to meh? Start by doing positive things to channel your anger. I started taking long walks and did spinning. I had a stress ball I squeezed the crap out of. Start living your life again.

    Let her get fat on the pizza rolls!!! And, absolutely go NC.

    • How the fuck is ‘feeling nauseated at the OW’s batshit craziness’ ‘jealous of her’? Seriously? Thats an insult to Tracy.

      • Lania…. I don’t get insulted anymore. Really. I can’t be offended after what I’ve been thru. I’ve been thru alot…
        Orange is the New Black has nothing on my life….

        if I were to be honest….I am jealous of the OW. Not her…or who she is….but what she was able to do. How she got my husband to step up to the plate.
        But then I think HOW she accomplished it….and I’m not so jealous. I don’t make my happiness by breaking other people down.

        • Yeah. Thing is, you don’t need more insults thrown your way. Its disrespectful.
          The way she got him to step up is through fear – so please don’t be jealous of that.
          She’s the kind of person I’d like to see destroyed, and I’m not naturally a vindinctive person unless you cross me or someone I care about.

  • You said she was texting you all week? You never actually SPOKE to her and heard her voice? Are you absolutely sure it was the OW and not the Ex husband who was sending the messages? Even if it wasn’t him directly you can bet your life he knew what she was sending and reading your replies. Kibbles by proxy.

      • I know he read them….and my responses. Because he mentioned something I said in one on Sunday when my daughter demanded to be let in to move her stuff out….which he has refused. I texted the fake app # I would file a contempt order…..he referenced that to her.

        I hope he like the one I sent on NYE with a picture of a guy sleeping on the couch…hand in his waistband drooling….my caption read….”and to think, you swallowed to get that…clap clap clap…”
        See…..I can be nasty….

  • So glad you came here.

    From the other woman’s perspective, she texts you I think because she realizes the gulf of class, intelligence and just ethics that separate the two of you. When she uses that stove, she doesn’t know how to really cook, and it points out her uttter lack of everything that you are. It galls her so she texts you to try and bring you down.

    Never heard from my OW. My kids have given their sperm donor and her an earful of their unhappiness.

    Everyone is right, ignore her. If you felt totally in control you could text her back how to cook on it. That would just inflame her because she texts you because she is insecure about her place in his life. Her age is an accident of birth, nothing she had control over. She knows OW #x could be being born right now, and there is nothing she can do about it.

    You step back and they have to focus on each other. That won’t be pretty. He will start talking about homemade pizza and she will start talking about her 30 year old twat.

    these older men who fear aging hook up with these young skanks in an attempt to regain youth and grasp for an illusion. they are old. Nothing they can do about it. I saw a picture of Jimmy Page, 76, with a wad of cash in one hand and a 26 year old on his arm. If he didn’t have the wad of cash, would the 26 year old even look at him? No. These guys are renting a twat. Pathetic.

    Go be mighty, girl. You already are.

  • I unfortunately contacted the OW even though my husband and her were not together anymore when I found out about the affair. I unfortunately thought I was going to get an “I’m Sorry!”. It didn’t work that way. She calls herself a mentor and life coach–so she wrote blogs about the situation making fun of me and if someone is “offended” it says more about the offended than anything else. Supposedly she has now written a book on how to get over an affair from the standpoint of the other woman to give us new perspective. Doesn’t that sound like something all of us want to read? The OW telling us how to get over it.

    • Jesus. She pokes fun at YOU? They really are very peculiar people cheaters and side dishes, they just aren’t playing with a full deck.

    • Well sign me up for the advance copy of that book! (not)

      Short book–how to get over an affair? Leave the fucker.

  • Public Service Announcement: I had contacted the OW – one time. She, being the disordered coward that she is didn’t pick up the phone. Me, being the naiive Chump that I was, decided to leave her a message. I started by trying to get her to understand my pain and quickly realized that I was getting close to begging her for MY husband. I quickly switched tone and told her that I was a problem that she didn’t need. How lovely of her to use that in an “Injunction Against Harassment” that she filed against me! SHE was the “VICTIM”! The courts apparently only grant those if multiple instances of harassment occur, so she used what I wrote to ex about her (innocuous things like she has a big nose, she has bad skin along with some other un-kind sentiments) and then she made up some fantasy crap for good measure. She put ex up to filing a restraining order within 2 weeks of hers. (I had a texting war with him when I realized that he brought her home to meet his parents for Thanksgiving – less than 3 weeks after our 70 day divorce, so I used lots of adjectives for them both).

    So, all I did was give the perpetrators “Victim” status. I was the “crazy” ex. Funny, they didn’t mention that I called her a “whore” in the restraining orders or him an “adulterer” – guess they were ok with those titles.

    The people on this forum are right. Once you’re removed from the triangle, the disordered don’t necessarily like it. The unintended benefit of their orders was that it forced me to be NC. I don’t think they enjoyed that. Ex then started the financial harassment stuff (we still owned a home that was for sale – I vacated it and went off the grid after the orders). He didn’t want to pay for 1/2 of the upkeep. I had to pay an attorney to pursue him for his half of the monthly expenses. My attorney told him to cut the shit with the financial bullying. The house sold and now he has no reason to contact me. He married the whore – I wish them all the happiness they deserve. Bottom line, you will not win by engaging them. Winning is letting the whore have your cheating spouse.

    • She filed Harrassment charges on me back in August. She told the judge….”this has to stop…it’s been 3 years”…she used a fake text app then to text me as well. The judge continued it for 120 days….. we go in March. I will be taking her most recent Memes to court with me. I wonder what he will think of the Meme that my Vajayjay looks like 5 lbs of chewed bubble gum. Hmmmmmm…….she is vile.

      • Ugh…sorry Tracy. When I had initially told this story to CN, they told me that the disordered are much better at gaming these things. Truly, it is a losing proposition for the Chump to engage – you’re playing their game, at their home field and the disordered always have the advantage at the Crazy Dome. I was raw as my ex fast-tracked the divorce and was so cruel to me, denying the affair the entire time. When I found out he was banging twinkle twat, I wanted justice, but really, there isn’t any. My energy would have been better spent on healing ME. There’s that saying about wrestling pigs, you get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

        Yes, OW is vile, amoral, disgusting and certainly, disordered. A perfect prize for a cheating asshole like your EX (and mine). Hugs to you.

      • Tracy–you can’t take that OW seriously. Total whack job. Document, document, document…and then don’t respond. Her missives are laughable.

        • Tempest….I don’t take her seriously….BUT….. it got to me this time….probably because it was the holiday. I used to go all Martha Stewart on Steroids for Christmas….another legendary thing I’m known for…. so she totally wanted my tree and ornaments and even dismantled a swag I had done…..WTF Ghetto Barbie….don’t mess with Martha and her ornaments….. now THAT shit intake for damn sure serious….I’ll cut a bitch who messes with my Christmas decorations….

          • I can’t believe you didn’t get the Christmas stuff, I don’t go crazy but I love my tree and would never let anyone have those ornaments. Sorry that happened.

            • DITTO Datdamwuf. Every ornament in this family exists because I got it, or the kids made it and I kept it, or they were given to ME or the kids as gifts from other people. I know every box that every ornament is kept in, even the ones that aren’t labeled. I know which ones get wrapped in tissue paper to protect them and can look at each one and REMEMBER when I got it, who gave it to us, where it came from. Each and every one holds a memory for me. I don’t think he’d want them, but if he does, he better be prepared to pass a written exam proving he’s worthy of them.

              • 2 kids2love…..^^^
                He never bought an ornament. EVER. He kept them because they are important to me. If it hurts me….he’ll do it…she will help

          • I’m with you on the ornaments; I have seven, count ’em SEVEN different tree themes, with ornaments acquired over decades. In order of importance for custody: Children, dogs & fish, Christmas ornaments. I’m sorry Owhore has yours; I feel for you, I really do.

            The good thing about being Martha Stewart on steroids is that you can make more ornaments (better than before).

      • I absolutely understand how you feel. I was harassed by the OW for 2 years. She preferred to send anonymous letters to my workplace or to call me at work with her “fake voices”. I had to explain to the secretary who handles all the calls that she should refuse to put anyone through to me. She was kind enough to take a message and get a phone number so I could call back anyone who wanted to talk to me. Do whatever it takes to ignore her and refuse to engage.

        You will be seething with anger for 2-3 years if you are like me and will find it very difficult to take the high road. There is a song that really helped me. It is called “Pray for You” by Jaron Lowenstein. It has lines like “I pray your brakes go out going down a hill” . It was my theme song for 2 years. Whenever she did something new and underhanded, I sang it out loud if I was alone or in my head silently if my kids were around. I sang it when I felt like responding so that I kept NC. I did a lot of praying that first year. lol

        After 2 years of this, a funny thing happened. I stopped wishing ill to her and started actually praying for something good to happen to her. I prayed that she would win the lottery or find someone wonderful to be with or anything that would help her to move on out of my life. That prayer was answered. I don’t hear from her and my husband stopped seeing her when she turned on him. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a unicorn. Pretty sure he is on to a new OW, but I am on to his cheating and have been financially protecting myself in preparation. Don’t stoop to their level. You are the better person and you know it.

        Step 1 – Ignore OW
        Step 2 – Leave cheater
        Step 3 – Meh

        Easy to say, but hard to do.

  • My ex would periodically try to stir up drama (we have to have some contact, because of the kids). In the beginning it would really upset me, so I would just open a Word doc, copy over his idiotic provocations, then write every response I wanted to make, every one, with all the cuss words included, all my contempt.

    Then I’d save the doc in my ‘secret’ file (didn’t want the kids finding it), and walk away.

    I knew it was useless to respond, whether in a reasonable or an angry way, and I knew he’d get off on the drama. So I gave him silence. Shut him down a lot faster, and drove him nuts, bonus!

    Deal with your emotional reactions, by yourself or with people who care about you – friends, family, therapist. Deal with your ex and the OW with silence.

    • Good advice, KarenE… I, too, wrote many letters to my ex that I did not send, but it was therapeutic to see those words spelled out. It was strictly an emotional outlet for me. Don’t give them ammunition to use against you.

    • KarenE:

      THAT is a great idea!!!! I am going to start doing that…If I were to go back and copy & paste, etc. every disordered text I have received from him, I’d have a book as thick as the telephone book used to be!!!!

  • As a chump who was blissfully unaware of her status for the entire length of the affair (one year – an std 30 years later exposed what I just didn’t want to see), I can tell you in that I now see in retrospect that the OW was ALL about drama. She left BABY gifts at my house on multiple occasions, (she was a newly single, husband – hunting work whore and my baby was 2 yrs old) and never ceased presenting herself at every occasion possible.She visited to “meet the baby” . He invited her to dinner. I cooked it. I even went to her wedding (she found another sucker). It was as if they were screaming “Catch us! Look! This is FUN!!”
    My husband (yes, I’m a unicorn) now admits that he “felt like a bad ass” having 2 women, and that he was jealous of my attention to my child. ugh. The drama that unfolded 30 years later was the ugliest thing I’ve ever experienced. (and I’ve had cancer – it beats that)
    Bottom line : We are in therapy (over a year now) and it’s Still painful. It will never NOT be painful. I’m a unicorn who 30 yrs later is trying to make it work. Listen, they stopped when the OW realized he wasn’t leaving me. He just wanted cake. He realized that there is a price for cake. I was the reason it was fun: there was excitement because it was illicit. But I missed the whole thing. Game over for OW.
    Walk away from the pain, Tracy. You have that opportunity. I can tell you this: Both my husband and the former OW are currently MISERABLE. Years later, it’s NOT FUN for them to look back on their fuck fest.He’s ashamed, and she’s married to a public figure and doesn’t want anyone to know. My husband refers to the affair as ” the worst mistake of his life.” duh. They became their own worst nightmares.
    Your STBX and his hideous honey are destined for their own personal misery. Without YOU to make each of them seem desirable to each other, they are left with what they are – self possessed assholes. Don’t give them attention so they can hold on to their fun & games. Peace, lady. Take your money and go far far away. There are stainless steel ovens there, and much,much more.

    • Chumpfor30 – I can’t imagine not being angry at your husband forever. How dare he let that malignant whore into your house and touch your baby? And to let you serve dinner to her while they were probably playing footsie under the table and laughing at you?? Don’t ever let him use the M-word when describing what he did. It. Was. Not. A. MISTAKE. It wasn’t that benign. I wish you all the luck in the world, I really do. Just remember: if he ever says “It was thirty years ago! Get over it!” – RUN! Thirty years ago for him, yesterday for you.

      • ‘Just remember: if he ever says “It was thirty years ago! Get over it!” – RUN! Thirty years ago for him, yesterday for you’.

        THIS … Chumpfor30. You can take those wise words from uneffing and put them in the bank!

        I wish you all the luck in the world too. x

        • Chumpfor30….you know I’m here for you….
          Chump for 30 got sent here to the CL after she contacted me upon my release from jail. We were friends before…I did her hair…. she knows my Stbx…. she has seen my home….my gardens…. she knows my children.
          So when I heard her story…..I sent her here….because only CN can relate. Only can someone who has been there BE there for you.

          that’s the beauty of this……going thru hell you help those you see going thru it….and then they help someone else.

          I learn so much here….and from your stories….is gives me the history to keep pushing thru the mire.

      • They get off on this, uneffing. I was invited to OW’s birthday party. My XH had brought sausages from the local butcher’s for the grill. It was a large party, and while I wasn’t thrilled with XH’s relationship with OW (I noticed that she manufactured crises so she could call him, and let him know she was doing this and he needed to set boundaries. My bad for assuming he was clueless), I went because a lot of people from his work place went.

        Schmoopie, the cook extraordinaire, had a lot of trouble with her grill. I’m good at grilling, so XH told her, “Let kb help with this.” She was NOT happy, and neither was I, but I can see now that we were both being set up to triangulate, and he was getting off on having me at his OW’s birthday party and even helping her with it.

        Bastard’s getting married to her and I’m so looking forward to seeing him file for bankruptcy in a few years–just after she divorces him so she can be with her next boy-toy.

        • kb – that just makes me furious for you! You have shown major restraint as a human being that you did not get violent with both of them! I’d go over there and start another fire on that bitch’s barbecue with a trail of lighter fluid leading to gas soaked rags strategically place all along the foundation of the house. It’s exactly what they both deserve.

        • Oh, the irony–OWhore got sausage for her birthday and didn’t know what to do with it.

  • Tracy, I think that these OW are SooOOOooo insecure because they KNOW the men they ‘caught’ are lying pieces of shit. They KNOW these guys cheat! There is no integrity whatsoever in their relationships. They began on lies and they will end on lies. The really funny thing now, is that the OW in my case refuses to marry my XH. She must have figured out he isn’t quite the catch she imagined. I, on the other hand, am engaged to a man where I didn’t have to fuck another woman’s husband to get. Who do you think has a chance of living happier? The OW in my case was no young chickie poo. She was a 50 year old skank ass grown up woman who KNEW me and KNEW my husband was a married man. And still chose to spread her skanky legs in a cheap ass sleazy motel room. I’m not sure I’ll ever completely get to Meh over that. I do know that she gets to deal with the passed out bald spot and his increasing medical problems. Goody for her. Someday you can look back and know that you’re the one standing on integrity not the skank living in your house cooking on a used stove.

    • Syringa-as much as it pained me to think this way, in order to keep up my righteous anger and eventually heal, I had to remind myself that my relationship with my ex-POS cheater was also built on lies. In the end, every single one of these disordered freaks is a liar who brings zero integrity to any relationship.

      • Blerg….Agreed! I came to the conclusion the second I caught my XH cheating that I had a fake marriage to a fake husband and a fake life. It was all LIES. He lied to me about everything and he never loved me for one minute.

  • CHUMP NATION….I’m the Tracy in today’s post. Thank you….thank you all from the deepest part of my heart.
    I know that you know how it feels. Sometimes I just feel alone in it. I have been thru hell. I have shared in other posts how my stbx put me in jail, falsely accused me of threatening our oldest daughter. The oldest daughter went along with his story…..I was held, for 8 1/2 months only to have the charges reduced. My husband took out the Protection from Abuse Order with trumped up charges to get me evicted. So it has been a long long long road.

    I have been attacked on this site from a family member that I am told was a vile rant from the CL herself. She caught the troll and escorted them out the CN front door.
    I have sent others to this site. It’s a God send…A light at the end of a dark tunnel…A hug….a kind word….a smack in the ass to get up and keep moving forward.

    My daughters don’t speak to each other….we divided the kids pretty easily. His family has attacked me thru other family members, social media, texting. My daughter has been texted horrible things.
    I’ve seen the “loving Christian family” turn into demons. These people wouldn’t know the first thing about truth or love.

    I just had my boss, who is my attorneys boss just call me into his office. He just said that I need to put whatever is holding me back behind me because I have so many opportunities awaiting me. He is very connected. He has very established business clients. He has also taken this broken woman, with no formal education, whose life imploded and gave her an opportunity to learn on the job a whole new skill set. I am a hairdresser by trade, but lost my clients when I was evicted and lost my mind temporarily.

    Thank you…..I read your comments on my lunch….it was that kick me in the ass reminder I have got this….it will get thru this….and that I am not alone.

    CN…Tracy/CL…. I am thanking God for all of you.

    I just signed the final papers…..the ink isn’t even dry…….


    • Congratulations. You are so strong. And so happy you have a wise mentor and a new career. Welcome to your new life.

    • WOW! You are one mighty woman! Congratulations on your new beginning!!

    • Tracy – that is wonderful news … your boss as a supportive ally and the signed papers.

      I truly wish you all the very, very best for the New Year – let it be 2016 – the year Tracy began her new and awesome life! xxx

    • Congratulations, Tracy on final papers! You have run a marathon and reached the finish line. I know that won’t necessarily stop the shitstorm visited upon you by that pack of hyenas, but it’s one hell of a milestone. Be proud, and do something nice for yourself to celebrate. And do what you can to keep yourself safe. Losing a victim doesn’t sit well with abusers. You are Mighty, and you are not alone.

    • Bloody well done, Tracy. I love to hear this reply after being aware of your horrific situation.

      Stove . . . schmove. Just an appliance ( a bit like we were!) We HAVE to all succeed in creating orgasmic lives. And let the Kingdom of Turdom melt in the blazing sun.

      It’s warm in here. Do you smell something funny? Happy 2016!

    • Tracy, I didn’t read this part of the story yesterday (I can’t keep up with all my comments) — but I might’ve changed the tenor of my response had I known this.

      What’s happened is unjust, so you need to LEARN from this — do not poke the disordered wing nuts. I wasn’t kidding when I said they’re unhinged — you absolutely for your sake and for your daughters’ sake need to NOT engage in drama of ANY KIND.

      NO zinger is worth criminal charges. You know what they’re capable of. Knowing that, what possessed you to respond? Please examine that and work hard on it.

      You got a great settlement and a wonderful boss and supportive work environment — and a great opportunity for new, marketable job skills. That is GOLDEN.

      Don’t fuck it up. The creeps in your life, they’d like nothing better for you to succumb to their drama. Don’t. Be mighty instead and leave them in the dust. Move forward and don’t look back.

      • CL….if I listed ALL that has happened to me in 3 years…. the UBT would blow a gasket. I have lived thru more than most. I don’t know of too many wives that their husband framed to put in jail.
        But I get out of jail and end up working in an attorneys office. God has a sense of humor…..
        Why do I respond…. good question. Defiance…. intolerance of adultery…..intolerance of destroying innocent lives. I’m a firey little Irish girl who don’t back down from a fight. I never said I was not impulsive. Injustice….I loathe injustice. I loathe people who mock truth and morality.

        Someone earlier stated I am jealous of the OW….. I am not jealous, but I am pissed someone like her was able to take my place. She didn’t have to impress, cook well, have morals, have her own career, be educated or skilled. She just had to be a whore…..
        that’s a bitch slap if I ever felt one.
        That irks me. His whole family….including my one daughter accepts her….. blows my mind……

        I have to say signing the MSA/closing today was monumental. It’s the end with a fresh start. I’ve been afraid of it.

        I’m sure I’ll break down at some point. But today…..after I signed felt good.

        • Listen to CL. You did the part you can’t always control–you got out, got a great settlement, got your daughter out. Now let go of what you can’t change. None of us like injustice or the people who made a mockery out of our love, our attempts to build lifelong relationships. But as long as you engage emotionally and respond to these people, you will never get to Meh. And Meh is the best revenge.

        • Speaking from is my own experience. I did not land in jail, but I have been on the crazycoaster for several years with Narcississta-who did threaten to dream up several charges to have me thrown in jail if I did not cooperate with her demands. I had to do a lot of hard work: personal, legal, financial, yet her ass went to the curb and the door closed behind her. I adapted my behaviour to get what I wanted without engaging in a war. I did this for my kids sake and my own. No doubt about it you have to stand up for yourself when then need arises-in the most appropriate way to get the result you want-not to serve your ego, or the crazymaker’s. It may sound cliche, but I found that learning to love myself again after the years of put downs and general mistreatment helped a lot in getting me on track. I do not define myself by the words of cheaters, liars and low quality people.

    • That’s awesome Tracy! I always love it when someone who posts a letter to CL gives CN an update!! You are SO mighty!

    • Just saw this. Way to be mighty!!!! SO proud of you for signing those papers. It is a huge step.

      I too have a boss who is amazing! I told him the day after D-day what happened and it was his right to kick my ass if my word slacked. All he said was “I’m so sorry, do what you need to do, take care of your kids, and if you need anything let me know.” It meant the world to me. So pat yourself on the back and give your boss a hug from me because those good people are very rare.

    • Jedi Hugs Tracy! I’m so sorry you went through that. My ex attacked me and got me thrown in jail one night and it traumatized the fuck out of me, I can’t imagine how you dealt with that. We need to chat on the forums, abusers are using new laws in ways that were not expected. Mandatory arrest laws are being upended wherein men set up their victim to get arrested. I so wish we could expose that and do something to fix it!

      • My ex came to MY church….brought his whore. He hadn’t been there in 4 years. I confronted him asked him to leave….he went out to the parking lot and called the police. I was arrested. He who has the PFA …protection from abuse order….has the power.

        • Too bad him and the whore didn’t burst into flames when they entered a church.

  • Man, I don’t know how I would keep it together if I was harassed like that. Dang. That is just cruel. I am sorry that you have to deal with these nut jobs.

    My cheater Ex went no contact on ME pretty early. Oh he would call our son every afternoon for a couple of weeks after I kicked him out. I’d answer the phone with hope in my voice. He knew I was hoping he’d talk to me. Ask if I was ok. But no way Jose. It hurt so damn bad. He’d just ask to speak to our son. I got smart though. When I saw his number on the caller ID, I’d just hand the phone to my son who’s eight. And you know what? That asshole stopped calling every afternoon.

    His OW blocked me from the get-go. As soon as she knew I had found her out, she blocked me from Facebook. She also blocked my sister, my mom and my sister and brother-in-law. I still don’t know if she was terrified or what. But it’s fine with me. She was a Ho-worker of the cheater Ex. We met one time. Then on DDay, when I realized who she was, I called her cell over and over and over until she responded. She wouldn’t pick up the phone. Oh no. Cuz you know, they were “just friends”. But she did text me. She sent a link for the laws regarding harassment in our state. Bitch. But she didn’t know who she was messing with. I texted her the link for the law on Alienation of affection. I’m pretty sure that’s when she blocked me and my family from Facebook.

    I DO give thanks to God that they don’t contact me and leave me the hell alone. I know that I am so fortunate in that. It hurt like hell in the beginning but I can see now that it did wonders to propel me to moving on. These days I only have email/text contact with Cheater ex about drop off/pick up of our son. If he wants to know about his son’s life, he can ask. I’ve been done with providing information to him for a long time.

    Go NC as much as you can like everyone has said. And forgive yourself for wanting to defend yourself. You got this. ((HUGS))

  • My cheater-ex used to send me text messages wanting attention. Especially when his drug addict whore left him every few days to turn tricks for drug money when he refused to give her any – his way of attempting to control her but heroin always wins over anything, even cheaters.

    I NEVER responded to any of his messages. Not once. Thanks Chump Lady for that advice. The ONE time I THOUGHT about responding was when he sent me the following after I ignored his previous 6 messages, “Can’t you just tell me to f#ck myself?!?!” I wanted to respond, “No, because you already did.” Instead I just told my sister how I wanted to respond and we got a good laugh and he received no kibbles… In the end, that was so much more valuable than sending a response.

    • Absolutely the right move, Shark. I got so I could be in the same room with my cheater-ex and not see him. He was so dead to me, I’d look right through him, and never hear his voice pleading for a “private conversation” with “His Wife!” My thought was that he didn’t have a wife anymore; he’d forfeited that right. No response is the right response. And it drives them bonkers.

    • A good friend of mine suggested that any time I had the urge to respond to my ex that I call her instead. That worked wonders! It is like breaking an addiction. I’ve never had trouble with drugs or alcohol, but I can sort of relate to what people must go through in rehab after weaning myself off wanting to talk to my ex.

      • Great idea, Lyn. Sort of like writing a response not to send, but with a live person to safely bounce those thoughts off. That is a good friend.

  • All these Other Women remind me of a quote from Pretty in Pink, when Blaine explains to Stef why he hates Andie so much:

    “You buy everything, Stef. You couldn’t buy her, though, that’s what’s killing you, isn’t it? That’s it, Stef. She thinks you’re shit. And deep down, you know she’s right.”

    Other Women are sparkly people. Everybody loves them. They surround themselves with people who love them, they charm everyone into adoring them, and if you don’t adore them, they find a way to keep you away because there must be Something Wrong with you. Of course there’s Something Wrong with you. Why else would you NOT adore them??

    But we chumps think they’re shit, we can’t be charmed into thinking otherwise, and we threaten them because deep down, they know we’re right. That’s why almost all Other Women are people who either (1) keep their distance from us all the while pouring on a bunch of made-up gaslighting shit about how we’re too “psycho” and “dangerous” to deal with, or (2) keep coming around to f*** with us to try and write stupid shit for HuffPo about their fabulous affairs, to try and prove to themselves that they really are better than us.

    I’m gonna call this the WOWASS theorem: The Why Other Women Are So Shitty theorem. Also known as the “WOW, what an ASS you are!” theorem.

  • When Mr Cheaterpants crawled out from under his rock to text me Happy Birthday last summer, I just replied “New phone, who dis?” and never heard from him again. Don’t know if something that simple will work for you, Tracy, but going full NC is the only solution.

    The OW “won” a guy who cheats on his wife–that’s a shit-covered prize any way you look at it. And he “won” a batshiat crazy woman with zero class. Leave them alone to wallow in their own muck.

  • Tracy, can you get another cell phone with a different number? Then only give it to trusted people in your family? I would do whatever I could to get this sick woman out of your life. There’s no way you can get to Meh when you’re still dealing with crap like that. It really doesn’t start to happen until the divorce is final and you’ve moved along in your new life far enough that you’re not longing for your old life any more. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this nut job OW. Please don’t respond to her any more.

    I wonder about getting the police or your lawyer involved since OW has your responses on her phone. That might open a kettle of worms. Seems to me the best way to handle it is to change your phone number and shut down any other ways she can contact you. Refuse to accept anything but emails from your ex re. child pick up and drop off. Then, if OW is sick enough to track you down and start it up again, you could prove to the police/lawyers that you changed your phone number/social media apps, etc. on a certain date in an attempt to stop her nonsense. It would be a clear cut case of harassment.

    • One thing to note though, if she gets a new phone shes potentially opening the door to them coming and paying her a visit or accosting her at work – if they know these details. She’d need to pretty much drop off the face of the earth. When wingnuts don’t get their own way they ramp up the abuse.
      Something to keep in mind if she goes complete NC.

  • To the OP,
    I had a similar fringe wingnut OW, and yes she too taunted me by email, shamed me on twitter, and suckered me into responding. (I had to since she named me AND my employer on twitter). In the end, I messaged her just begging her to keep the scumbag and to not send him back. None of that interacion felt the slightest bit good and I felt so relieved when she finally shut up and went away.

    She does a “mommy blog” and now, three years later I very occasionally look it up to get a laugh. Their life is a train wreck, they are broke, and still arrogant pretenders. I feel a strangely warm, fuzzy feeling when I read her drivel because I can see how demented she was and still is. It’s funny, I am completely MEH about the Ex, but the OW…I truly do wish her karma, not because she “got” any of my stuff or even my man, but because she went about it so aggressively and cruelly, as if to destroy me for her own pleasure. Little did she know, I knew what a loser she was getting.

  • Wow, I can’t believe you are so central in her life. CL is right that they need you to perpetuate the idea that they deserve the affair because you appear crazy. OW can’t go on without the drama.

    I think NO CONTACT is one of the hardest, but most rewarding, things to master, especially if you have kids. But, please know this, it is a god send! Once you get the hang of it (and for me it is still taking some time to master) or even just a little bit of it you will start to see more clearly what has happened and what is happening. I only contact my ex, Narkles the Clown, via email, including when I bill him for his portion of the children’s expenses, and only interact with him at school functions with at least one child sitting between us. If the kids are on stage I sit somewhere else. No contact means no being drawn into the drama!

    It sounds like you did well with your settlement (far better than I could have ever imagined) so take the assets and make that new life, the one where you get to be the star.

    • I agree, AllOutOfKibble. It’s hard to get started with NC but after even just a few days, the “fog” clears and you can’t believe how clearly you see the situation. And how clearly you understand that you’re not losing anyone or anything important to your life.

      And even with just a few moments of “clarity” at the beginning, you begin to understand that there IS an end to this dark tunnel.


  • Tracy, my condolences in regards to your lost stove. I am six years out and the only thing I miss is the home my children and I lived in. Here’s the thing though you did NOT lose a great man. My marriage was crap because my ex was always looking for greener pastures. Like yours, I bet. OW is batshit crazy and IMHO you and your precious family need to get away from it. Enough can’t be said for NO CONTACT. Get a new number and do not give this out to anyone, including your ex (this is what email is for) who doesn’t respect you. My children were older too when my ex blew our lives up but my children and I have persevered. Both daughters graduated from college, son is still struggling though as it is harder for him to understand disordered, but we’ve all done it on a very limited income. Channel all your spirit into getting a new life, your anger can be put to better use. Work out. Immerse yourself in your new job. Spend time on your kids. Fill up your life with positives. Carve out a righteous legacy. And stay away from stupid.

  • Trust me, it’s all triangulation for Schmoopie! She has to keep it going to keep her “excitement” level up! How do I know? My Ex had one just like her. You notice the use of the word “had”? It’s almost eerie how your settlement was a great deal like mine. The lawyer and mediator were giddy over how well I did, but only six months after our divorce and less than four months of Ex and Schmoopie shacking up together the relationship just died a natural death. Between the Ex and his health problems and ED, Schmoopie had to face the fact that she had divorced her mega earner for an old, sick, broke man. My Ex found out that Schmoopie was more interested in status and money than anything else (besides sex) and was a nagging, bitchy, pushy piece of work. Schmoopie also sent poison pen nasty grams to me which I ignored until the final one came in August. I needed some simple information regarding our joint taxes and she was clearly in charge of any business of his. This of course infuriated me, but after nearly a week she finally sent the info I needed along with this little line, “We are sending this to you because we are nice even if you aren’t!” Needless to say I let her and him know they are NOT nice because nice people don’t sleep with other people’s spouses! How did all this end for my Ex? Let’s just say he is constantly at my door and wants nothing to do with Schmoopie! She in turn wants nothing to do with him! She unceremoniously dumped all his belongings into plastic garbage bags and left them in her garage to be picked up! Then she cleaned his bank account of every dime he had all the while knowing he was recovering from an operation for pancreatic cancer and unemployed, thanks to her insistence that he quit his job to move to Florida! Oh Twu Wuv! Ain’t it wonderful! Why do these nasty home wrecking whores feel the need to rub our noses in thier shit pile is the 64,000 dollar question! To prove they “won”? Won what? A cheater? To keep the triangulation and the “us against an unaccepting world” shit? Who the hell knows? Trust me, let this shit go. Before long the old whore is going to be out on her ass and crying the blues! Karma is a bitch!

  • The SlunT he selected is a crazy woman who enjoys drama and believed all his lies. Initially, right after DDay I called her and let her know he cheated repeatedly. Don’t forget the cheater uses triangulation to his advantage once caught. The Limited is a manboy and enjoyed having her fight for him. Finally I bowed out of the pick me dance and had enough. Once he was stuck with IT she took the reins and guided him right out of having representation as she brought out his rage and entitlement. She had him break into my house, she broke into my car, he tried to get a restraining order on me for damages her disordered son did to his and her vehickes. She repeatedly harassed me in public places and called me names. They hang themselves. Then the delusional slunT wanted to make peace? Fuck that crazy train. He’s stuck with bills uo his ass, no retirement, no support system and a heartless slunT who drinks, gambles, and flirts with drunks at a casino. All I care about is my bliss. There’s not one thing I miss. I feel satisfied his and her actions are the karma special. Smiling.

  • Isn’t it great Donna! They throw their good lives away for absolutely nothing and it bites them right in their saggy asses! I know mine moans constantly and I don’t have to say a word, he knows he did it all to himself and Schmoopie helped bury him! After all he thought she was sooOo smart! She screwed herself too! Her Ex remarried two months after divorcing her ass, quit his job and NEVER pays his alimony! It’s just too good! Who’s the smart one now?

    • Roberta, my ex husband must be the exception to the rule. I have never seen him so happy, haggard but happy. I think the haggard is from too much sex with a 23 year old and drinking more than he used to as well as the extreme heat and filth. His little tart looks so in love with him as she drapes herself all over him but she might just be a very good actress. However, I do understand that happy snaps are not always what they seem but gee they are putting on a good show for the world to see and he has blended in with her family, her boys, her friends and the Khmer community like he was born there. As I say, I think he just might be the exception to the rule. He has landed on his feet and is truly in love.!!

      • Maree
        That’s not love. They are conning each other. He gets to think he 23 and she gets to have sex with a moron and anyone else who will give her a few bucks for a blow job.
        Do you really believe it’s love. An old haggard drunk, his whore and an audience of one. Maree you are better than this. It can eat us alive if we let it. He’s not worth it Maree, he’s a buffoon taking pictures of his disordered ridiculous delusions of being wanted by a girl younger than his children. Happiness is freeing yourself from that.

        • Thanks donna, I get it. Please don’t worry about me as I have made some huge changes in the last few months and I have severed all contact and snooping. I no longer check up on him at all, but unfortunately a friend sent me some New Year’s Eve snaps of him and el cheapo which set me back for all of about 30 minutes. No more and my friend has been told I do not want any more information because my life is good and I want it to remain that way. Thank you for your consideration but I am going to be just fine. It has been a hard road to walk but I am nearly there. My sister even said to me just the other day. No more tears Maree, you are free now. Truer words have never been spoken!!

          • You ARE free, Maree. You will live long and prosper and ignore that letter you get in five years about how he needs you back. You can toss that shit in the dumpster where it belongs. You never sold him an option for return. Now get out there are have a great New Year!

          • You are free of that fuckwittery, Maree. And living a richer life for it, too.
            The ‘happy snaps’ are because she is gleeful that she has suckered in a paycheque from a “Western man” for her and her extended family like the predator she is. The fucking hilarious thing is the fact that he thinks he’s loved because of it, when all she cares about is his money! Mail order bride, indeed.

          • So happy to hear this Maree. I thought you had stopped. Great to know your sister noticed. Happy New Year!

            • Yes! Good to hear this, Maree. But don’t confuse their PR efforts with “happiness” as you understand it. 🙂

      • Maree, I understand how it may look. And I’ve seen photos and seen my ex in person with his whore. It is surreal to say the least. He holds hands with her, never did that to me, stares at her when she talks, never did that with me….he goes to all her sons games, never did that with our girls.
        His family readily embraced her. She was at the family reunion months after he evicted me.
        By all accounts….he is happy.
        I read texts he sent her about the strong love he has for her….sonnets….pouring out his heart…… I could barely get a scribble on a hallmark from him.

        What I keep telling myself is this:
        If your happiness depended upon destroying another human being that loved and trusted you….imploding innocent lives…..than that is the kind of “happiness” I don’t want. If in order for me to find true love, I have set a course of life altering destruction of a person…..any person….than I don’t want that.

        That’s how happy your ex is….truly happy??? He had to lie cheat and steal to get it????

        I’ll pass….and so will you…because THAT isn’t happiness…..that’s selfishness.


        • Tracy. You have nailed it 100%. My soon to be ex-wife also “fell” in love with married man (my x-best friend). They both cheated on me and his soon to be ex-wife.

          Me and OM’s ex wife were chatting the other day (we are good friends)… about this exact “true love”. My STBXW is a manipulator, have to have her way.. and him, he is a full blown narc (it’s scary to see his re-actions in real life). He lies, influence the children etc.

          But the point is, their “happiness” is build on lies, broken promises and destroyed innocent lives. 8 people , not including family. The STBXW and STBXH has this selfishness trade .. and that is why we also said, it’s not true love, it’s just selfishness…

          But it’s going to be fun… she recorded him insulting her kids when he spoke to his STBXW. We’ll leave that tasty bites till after the divorces…

    • Roberta

      My life sucked with him. What the fuck was I attracted to? Loving your dynamic duos nose dive. Soulless mates, haha

  • Hello Tracy (of today’s post),

    Sometimes visuals can be very effective. Let’s create a little art.

    1) Find a small table in your house for your artwork; place it in a place that you’ll see often.
    2) Get 3 domino pieces (matchboxes can be a good substitute).
    3) Make a little stool – two pieces for the legs, then one across the top.
    4) Look at it for a while.
    5) Calmly take away one of the legs, and put it back where you first found it.

    The result is your art; you can title it however you’d like. I would name it:

    “How it *really* is.”

    * * *

    No Contact? It’ll save your life.

  • No contact is the ultimate fuck you to these disordered freaks who first shot you in the heart and now want to stab you to see if there’s more gore, more blood. They are sick fucks who get their jollies through other people’s pain.

    When Skanky “wrote” and emailed a three-page letter to me expressing her distress over my husband and my “strained” relationship (her word for his cheating, abandonment, exploitation of our mentally ill son, and of course, massive financial theft), I wanted to tear her crossed eyes and bleached blonde witch hair out of her head.

    Instead, I sent a copy of her letter to my lawyer, who advised me to let him handle it. It cost me $500, but within the hour, my attorney had a cease and desist order delivered to Skanky and then-husband at work (where then-husband and she concocted the letter while being paid to work). Additionally, the constable delivered copies to their boss and human resources, since she used her workplace email to contact me. Suffice to say, she only has the guts to bad mouth me through my kids now, who promptly tell her to shut up.

    It’s been almost three years since that April day, and I have never spoken, nor corresponded to her; nor will I ever. To me, she will always be festering garbage that my ex-husband chose over his family.

    Now, I’m not saying it hasn’t taken EVERYTHING I have to restrain myself at times, especially when my youngest son comes home upset by something either Skanky or X has said about me. I can be really cutting and snarky, and have come up with a million acerbic and wry comebacks for them. But, rather than risk my hard-earned upper hand and dignity, I write them in my journal, share them with good friends, and of course, share them with Chump Nation here. Laughing over two losers is good for the soul.

    Trust me. Nothing says, “Done” or “Fuck You” better than silence. I recommend it highly. Save your retorts for here. We all get the sick joke!

    • ChutesandLadders, I like this: “Nothing says, “Done” or “Fuck You” better than silence.” 🙂 I too have not exchanged one word with my ex/OWife in five years. Toxic people suck.

    • Nothing says, “Done” or “Fuck You” better than silence.

      PREEEEEEEEACH!!!! Preach, ChutesandLadders, PREACH!!!!

      No matter how badly I want to “zing” back at the Albatross/TEO, I do everything I can not to- it has gotten a lot easier in the last 3 to 4 months for sure!!! I actually enjoy it knowing that I am making him nuts with silence. Of course, I share all of his tirades and fits with my friends, co-workers, etc. to document his crazy-ness.

      I do however, wonder if his OWife knows how he harasses me – she was chumped herself by her 1stH so I can’t believe she would so willingly be the OWife in the end. Funny little world, eh?

  • CandL, you state “Trust me. Nothing says, “Done” or “Fuck You” better than silence”. I am the one who has struck a brick wall of complete and utter silence from my ex husband, daughter and son right from the get go, so I am the one being told to get lost and that silence is deafening, trust me. There are times when I feel like I have been the cheater and not the chump. It is role reversal in my instance.

    • Then talk here, Maree. Let the others sort themselves out separately. Laugh, cry, howl, rage, whine, talk, and do it until you are feeling better. You will feel better. Eventually, your children will probably see the light, but it will be better if you are back to your own fine self by then and not a doormat. I believe this.

    • Maree, sometimes I look back and see how much living with toxic has affected my children. It has taken my three young adults years to “get through” their dad’s betrayal and the truth is they are still wrestling with his crap choices. (I often wonder how Shwarzennegar’s kids feel about ten years of lies….) When this fuckfest first occurred all three were in late adolescence, a tricky age to have everything you knew, cherished, and loved fall apart. They are wounded still. Making a go of it but fragile now in ways they had never been. My advice? Let your kids “lick their wounds,” their lives blew up too. Be patient, live your life, surround yourself with people(or critters) that care about you, immerse yourself in things you love doing and don’t dwell on the crap. I know you have let them know you are available for a healthy relationship, but sit back now and let them do the work. My ex created an unhealthy dynamic with our children, he often belittled me in front of them, was not physically affectionate, and would do crazy little things to remind me how undeserving of his love-as special as it was!lol- I was. Kids live this. My kids are trying mightily not to follow in my footsteps and they are still hurting.

  • On the financial front I’m pretty pissed because recently discovered Saddam’s girlfriend retired at age 55 with a full pension. I could have gotten her fired from her elementary school job but refrained for fear Saddam would refocus on me and he’s scary as hell. But it definitely pisses me off the exasshole took so much of my shit that I cannot retire on my schedule (and work part time). Meanwhile the OW/girlfriend is happily retired and supporting his sorry ass. The only reason I know this is I have a calendar event to check and make sure he’s still with her, this some peace on the safety issue. I wish I didn’t need to check.

    • Retiring at age 55 is not so much recommended these days. I’d send a carton of cat food in ten years, but that would be rude. It’s a ten year wait for social security at the bottom rung, while being valued at your last years working (ten years ago) and where do you get your health care? And he’s living off HER? Maybe you should check again next year. And remember a “full pension” doesn’t always increase in value over time. I’m thinking that is just plain stupid in this world unless you have a buttload of cash set aside.

      • If she retired at 55 as a teacher, she probably got a buyout for 30 years’ service. So there was an immediate infusion of cash. But that’s a public pension fund and while those haven’t collapsed yet, the payouts aren’t what you might think. Certainly not the same as staying on the job till 66. A good friend of mine got such a buyout, but her husband also has a pension and social security, their home is paid off, no debt, and she has a part-time teaching gig that pulls in $5K a year and he has a hobby that brings in cash. Sitting around at 55 with nothing to do but talk to the guy I’m supporting–not my idea of paradise.

    • Datdamwuf:
      I am so sorry for you!!!! That is just shitty!!!! Saddam sounds pure nasty, I hate when the scum reap rewards!!!!

      I can’t retire with even 25 years until I am 52, and I plan on working until 62- it’s not worth the jack-up on insurance and such if I retire at 52. Plus, my ex-Albatross tried to threaten me with going after my retirement. One of my friends is about to retire and according to her and our retirement system. He can’t get shit. Retirement is up to the beneficiaries I determine. I triple-checked. No matter how long we were married, he doesn’t get a dime (I changed my beneficiaries a day after my D-Day, before I even confronted him about it). Plus, since he’s re-married, he doesn’t get a dime from Social Security either. April Fools’ dumb-ass!!!!

  • These sort of wingnuts get enraged when you take away their triangulation shit by ignoring what they have said.
    No kibbles for them = OMFG HOW DARE SHE NOT RESPOND TO ME!!!
    Beware of her ramping up the abuse before it gets better – and be mindful that people like this will ramp it up in other ways, for example, visiting your house or going to your workplace to start more shit.

    Fortunately, myself, I never had to deal with that sort of bullshit – the only case really was when one OW was proclaiming how much better she was than I was – but via friends of hers and what I heard through the grapevine. I remember saying “Funny she hasn’t said it to my face though – probably too scared I’d punch her in the mouth if she was stupid enough to contact me.”

  • Repeat after me:


    Now let that sink in for a while.

    Go no contact, now and forever. Don’t send threats of legal action; just go completely silent. TheUpwardWay is right; it will save your life, your sanity, your money, your happiness, your everything.


      This should be on every chump’s refrigerator.

      • Her Meme of her being the Upgrade made me laugh. She’s a younger model. She’s new…She’s like the “new and improved” version of a classic potato chip….all the money, time and effort to get it put to the public. It gets on the shelves….and next thing g you know it’s being sold at Ollies (Good stuff cheap buyout store) for 99 cents a 12pack. New….Improved….Upgrade….

        Don’t mess with a Classic…..

        • BWAHAHAHAHAAHHAA!!!! Awesome!!!! Here where I am, she’d be at The Dollar Tree 2 for 1!!!!

  • Soon after I asked for a divorce and cheater moved out, he hooked up with a new woman (or AP, whatever.) He introduced her to our daughter inside of weeks. I was livid and would try to reason with him to wait and take his time. Nothing I said mattered and it took me a bit of time to realize there wasn’t a darn thing I could do to stop him from continuing to make shitty choices. I backed right off. I went silent.

    About a year later, life with the new boo-boo wasn’t as sparkly and finally he got into a domestic dispute with her involving the police and child protection. (You cannot make this shit up.) He fronted like it was no biggie but I know it was humiliating for him. (You bet I told my lawyer about this.)

    The more I withdrew from that loser, the more pathetic he seemed to me. Now I notice that he generates a bit of drama here and there to see if I’ll bite. I don’t. If my daughter is safe, I’m good.

    Don’t give these cheaters what they so love: attention and drama. I know there are times when you feel you have to bite off your tongue but don’t do it. Wait 24 hours before responding to ANYTHING that isn’t an immediate emergency involving your children. And in my opinion, don’t threaten legal action – TAKE legal action if that’s the course you want to go.

    These losers go on to find new hunting ground where they can get the “ooohs” and “ahhhs” they so crave. Once I realized that he actually liked the drama, chaos and attention I stopped giving it to him. I. Just. Stopped. It’s not easy but it’s well worth the effort.

  • I’ll say it again: Cheaters Never Trade Up.

    I used to think this because I – like so many chumps – was trying to convince myself that Schmoopie would turn out to be a devil in disguise. And yes, that turned out to be true in most cases.

    But the reason I was thinking along those lines was that I’d been around so many unpleasant men for so long that this was the best I could come up with. But hey, it was a start. It can be a start for you, too.

    But it’s not where it ends, because one day you will realise that Cheaters Never Trade Up because they will never be able to replace someone with as much worth as you. They will literally never find another YOU, and that will be the greatest punishment they have to endure. They will be stuck with second-rate people for the rest of their lives, as they continue to make the same shitty choices.

    They will NOT be ‘better’ for the ‘next one’.

    I have realised that I have far more worth than the cheaters ever did. I have integrity, courage, intelligence, loyalty and decency. And that is a goldmine.

    • So true, Lola Granola, so true!!!!

      I struggled with his Schmoopie- she’s younger, true, but she’s also a former chump, in her 20’s, two young kids, and is a part-time student and will graduate college in about 3 years…works part-time…

      She must be “sparkly” in some other areas, because he is 37, has a jail-house GED, a criminal record, and a record for an instance of child abuse with DHR. What the fuck he sees in him, I have no clue. I waffle between, “I need to pray for her…” and “She knew two weeks after meeting him he had lied to her about everything, and continued to date him, now married to him less than 5 months after meeting him- she deserves everything she gets!!!” More along the second line of thinking than the other, but either way, he’s a fuck-tard and has nothing to show for himself. I guess he had to pick a young, vulnerable, naive little girl, because no one his age in their right mind would choose to be with him!!!!!

  • ^^^^They will NOT be ‘better’ for the ‘next one’.^^^^

    You are on a roll, Lola!

  • Get it put on a coffee mug and take it to work. Better still, hand these coffee mugs out to friends and neighbours. Hey, why not sell them at church?

  • PS. I keep meaning to say that going No Contact includes you not ever looking at Facebook, stalking them virtually,etc.

    You MUST get them out of your mental real estate as soon as you can, and NC is the quickest and least painful way to do it.

    Yes, NC hurts, but the alternatives hurt far, far more.

  • CN…. you guys really rock.
    I came home from dropping off the signed deed papers at the title company….where I ran into a guy I met 2 years ago when my attorney played in his band for the night before Thanksgiving. The bar was packed….I got up to the bar to order a drink and couldn’t move. We spoke…then talked all night. Nice nice guy. Friended me on fb….fast forward to this year where my boss was playing in the same bar with his band… this man and I met at the same.corner of the bar….said happy anniversary… toasted…and went on our merry way. I’ve only ever seen him.2 times. He walked into the Title Closing office today. We hugged….said I was one step closer….
    Who knows…. it was kinda funny of all people to walk in there.

    Keep posting….keep encouraging each other. It does help. I signed those papers after reading some of your comments. I avoided signing for over a week. You guys got me fired up. You guys reminded me what I see is not what I always get.

    I had been praying….and I saw God line up yesterday….from my weepy, help me post about the OW….to the encouraging words from CL and CN….my boss pulling me in…..
    I needed the cold splash of water, slap across the face, 3 stooges kind of love….. wake up….she’s not me…..she’s not living the “dream”…what did she “win”…..

    Thank you…I needed that!!!!

  • Dear Tracy-

    I know seeing your dream poisoned by a whore burns. I know. But as far as your oven, you can get high-end used appliances/furniture the same place your ex got low-end used snatch, so don’t despair. I’ve found some really nice stuff on Ebay and community pages on Facebook- people remodel and sell their (really nice!) old stuff all the time. My local used appliance store is also great- locally owned, nice people, good warranty, good prices, and they get nice stuff in all the time. I was drooling over a Blue Star range there but I can’t really justify the cost… mine is still pretty new and it’s been good to me. Still, a lady can look!

    But really, if everything you miss in the relationship can be replaced for a few thousand dollars and a little patience…that says something, doesn’t it?

  • What I do these days? I figure out a third party whose opinion they value and I tell them, this is what this person is about.

  • the O?W has a baby for him and told me hes not providing for mine and not hers ! and called me a mug for taking him back which i actually agree with im very stupid

    • No more lies, of course, the magic here is that you can change your situation. You don’t have to keep him. You can separate, file for child support, and work on a divorce. Marriage to a cheater does not have to be a life sentence.

  • My ex’s OW harassed me over the holidays pretending to be my ex in text. She claimed my grandson had massive scratches on his chest from his kitten. (He had one scratch from his seven month old kitten) She claimed to be concerned for his health. Good heavens. I sent my grandson over to his grandfathers house for a day. I’m his guardian. OW harasses me over some scratch. No surprise, OW has no children or pets. Using my eight year old grandson to harass me. Well going forward no texts from ex. I’m done. Never replied to the crazy text she sent. You’d think at her age (57) she’d have better thinks to do! Yep she’s disordered and has sent me a crazy letter she worked hard on in the past. New rule, grandson is never going to be exposed to her again. These people need to find new targets.

  • How should you handle it when the EX and the OW use a 6 year old child to convey their nasty messages to you because they don’t have the guts to do it themselves? No way to block that information and the child is too young to understand they are being used.

    • Explain to the child that they don’t have to be a relay service between mum and dad. That right there is EXTREMELY psychologically damaging to a child, like they are a pawn in a sick game that those wingnuts are playing.
      We’d need more info too, because this could be factored into custody issues as well.

  • I was chump enough to let a few months pass and then a I called to confront and received a half ass apology that I believe I had to solicit. This was during my fix it and forgiving stage when I though things were over. Fast forward to 6 months when I found out it was still going on and never stopped. I called her at work. It was ugly.and when I wasn’t met aggression and her calling me names and trying to blame shift… I hung up and called her boss and all the people she works with so at least the all knew. Do I regret it… yes. If I could do it all over I would of been a mute and just walked and never looked back. BTW… they worked together. They are now married. In the end I suffered the most from that act. I should have kept my dignity and immediately divorced and moved as far away as I could go.

  • Going through the archives in search of posts with similar issues…. if anyone is still getting notifications from this post, please answer. HOW DO I REACT to OW (ex OW, currently with her unicorn chasing husband) who lives near me and keeps non-verbally harassing me, which is how I perceive it. Referring to throwing me the finger from across the parking lot, giving me “dirty” looks when I see her at grocery stores, etc. I wish I could say it doesn’t bother me but it does.
    I have exposed her 2 years ago but she stayed married, have heard her husband is a cheater himself.
    The collective advice given to me so far ranges from keeping my head up high and ignoring (very hard) to throwing her a finger right back, to writing her boss a letter exposing her for the whore she is. I’ve posed on here before question if I should move but it’s not an option at this point. I also feel like she would “win” if I moved. No here is chasing me out of here although it seems to be her strategy.

    • Nope! You stand your ground. YOU are NOT the one who should move-SHE should. Don’t threaten her BUT say the next time you are in the grocery store with someone and she is ahead of you in line. Loudly say, “Oh we need to get out of this line! I don’t want to catch any thing from a debit card machine touched by a woman who sleeps around with other womens’ husbands”. Don’t say her name or anything. I did this and the old former OW made a beeline to get out of that grocery store real quick! 😉

    • mb – I believe the only way to scorch a person like her is to act as if she doesn’t exist. Don’t look at her, don’t ackowledge that she is breathing the same air as you. She’s like a child who is desperate to get your attention because she can’t stand not to have some kind of drama in her life.

      Look at it this way: every time you notice her, see the finger thrown at you and look at her to see the dirty looks, you are giving her exactly what she wants. Take her power away. Refuse to be a player in her disgusting childish game. There is no bigger insult to a person like her than to be ignored.

      I know it must be really hard to have to see her around but it is obviously harder for her to see you. YOU have that power over her. YOU exposed her for the cheating slut that she is. YOU upset her little world. You really have the upper hand. She knows who she is and is furious with you for shining a big fucking light on her skankiness. Keep that in mind the next time you see her and if she catches you looking – laugh in her face. It will KILL her.

      I also think that if she fails to get any sort of reaction from you she might get tired of playing this game. But I think the point is whether or not she continues should have no bearing on your life. Don’t let what she does or doesn’t do effect you for one more minute. You can’t control her behavior – only your own.

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