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And the winner is….!

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Wow, it was TOUGH to call a winner. Thanks for the extra day to pour through the 400+ comments and submissions. You might all have had your chumpy hearts smashed to smithereens, but you haven’t lost your rhyming schemes or your snark.

I winnowed it down to my runner-ups and had my husband help choose a winner. (Hey, he’s got the useless MA in comparative lit…) We decided to have a winning limerick AND a winning haiku. So without further ado the winners are…

For Limerick! The winner is…

happyendingsChumptyDumpty!

Your fate is no longer pending
My trust is far beyond mending
Get outta my house
Massage parlor louse
It’s time for MY Happy Ending

I love the twist and how it ends with “ending”! Clever! And the play on “happy ending” — way to find the humor in divorce over sex workers, ChumptyDumpty. I feel like I should send you some hand sanitizer with that book galley. Well done!

For Haiku! The winner is…

ramenCakeless in Kalamazoo!

Burned ramen noodles
And collectors are calling
Are you happy now?

With the economy of just a few syllables, we’ve got poverty (ramen noodles), neglect (they’re burned), ruin (creditors at the door), and the WTF sensation every chump experiences — are you HAPPY now? You ruined my life for THIS? A handful of beans and a magic boner? Really? Great job CIK!

And… coming in close as runners up were:

Chumptacular

Where is my husband?
Who is this lying cheater?
Sir, do I know you?

Amiisfree
Surprise! I’m a douche!
Had sex with a slew of skanks.
Happy Valentine’s.
Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around 

My ex hid his Schmoopie quite well,
He was cheating but I couldn’t tell,
I can only surmise
That she overlooks size
And she clearly must be dumb as hell.

ChutesandLadders

On the road to Meh,
Clusterfuckdale behind me.
Compass works again!

topshelf

Waterworks flowing
Standing still in the shower.
The faucet is off.

Rose Red 

This truth hit me like a Mack truck:
Six APs plus hookers he fucked.
He’s all Cluster B.
Since September I’m free!
And, always, I’ll trust that he sucks.

Pearshaped

My ex was a long-distance trucker
Who found me a real easy sucker
(In more ways than one)
Now my limerick’s done
But at least I escaped that old fucker!

You guys are all awesome! Thanks for playing! Winners, I’ll be in touch about prizes.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
      • Lol! I love the rainbow. Maybe I’ll make placemats out of this cartoon & smile knowingly every time they’re used. Or maybe stationary to be used whenever I must correspond with the ex.
        Fun contest, Tracy. Thank youd
        Enjoyed reading everyone’s entries & had rhymes swimming around in my head for days. 🙂

  • Cakeless in Kalamazoo and ChumptyDumpty – even your handles are poetry. Congratulations Chumps.

    We are… Chump Nation, one big angry family.

  • All priceless. And I agree with Ian — the screen names donned here are often poetry themselves. I love so much about CN but the creativity and humor are top of the list.

  • Well, call me gobsmacked! Thanks, CL!! Congratulations, everyone!!! I think I need to use more exclamation points!!!!

  • There are indeed a great many talents on this site. If I had to choose the winners, I would have ended up with dozens of runner-ups after the 10-way tie for First Place. Thanks for the humor and the stories interspersed between the poems. Well done, CL and CN!

  • Congrats to the winners, congrats to us all for reaching (or getting closer to) the state of Meh.

  • Congrats and thanks to all fellow Chumps whose verse made me grin, laugh or rub my hands together in glee. There were so many good entries and when I checked my inbox just now, I was like “Huh??” !! I haven’t even had my coffee yet…

    Thank you, Chump Lady and Chump Nation, for helping me laugh about the shittiest year of my life, for all the support and comisseration and for reminding me every day with sarcasm and understanding that my kids and I aren’t alone.

    I have to say the inspiration for my haiku came after I’d answered yet another in a long string of collector calls for my ex, and after I’d passed on his new address and cell number for the millionth time I had to stop and think that even when I’m having shit days, at least I have my own roof over my head, I’m a far better cook than she is (the memories of trying to choke down those culinary toxic spills she called food when I’d invite her for dinner still turn my stomach), and while I live with two teen agers, they are my children and not sullen and unhappy delinquants who didn’t get a say about the new man forced into their home, lives and new role as a parent. So yeah, he’s broke, gained a shit ton of weight from stuffing himself with convenience food and gas station fare, is broke as a joke but hey, at least he still has his extra-marital pu**y, which is costing him every month. I hope it was worth it. 😀

    And that’s something for all of us to remember on those days that seem like the suck just won’t stop. We’re lonely, exhausted, angry, hurt, humilliated and wonder where our lives will go from here. But we don’t have to wake up next to that douchebag or douchette ever again, so for that I am thankful… Oh and never having to deal with all his snoring and passed out drunk beer farts.

    • Right on,Cakeless. The stench is unforgettable. And the noise of the snoring! I feel like we’ve been in some sort of surreal safari – but the “wild” animals aren’t wild so much as pathetic and their habitat isn’t exotic so much as sordid.

  • Thank you Tracy! I started leaning on Chump Lady and Chump Nation last summer, and to be selected as a runner-up on my very first post is about the coolest thing ever.

    I found this community nearly a year after I filed for divorce and 8 months of mediation, during which I thought I would lose my mind. Tracy, in all seriousness, the wisdom and encouragement I read daily from you and the other Chumps is one of the most significant factors in my ability to regain and keep my sanity. After 2 years of pick-me dancing (which I later found out was 10 years, I just didn’t realize) I headed into divorce a quivering mess. But a few months ago in a meeting with my attorney, when I told her, “I don’t care. He fired me from that job and gave it to someone else,” she said, “Rose Red, that’s important. Did you learn that through therapy?” I was able to laugh. Thanks to Chump Lady, Chump Nation and the most loving and supporting friends (as well as a great therapist who says I do NOT have to forgive) I have reclaimed myself and my power.

    Rock on Chumps!

  • Fantastic job! Funny but bittersweet as insights are so spot on. Chumptydumpty – hope you don’t mind but I’m using “you philandering louse” in lieu of massage parlor as it fits my situation better. And chumptacular – you convey the world of hurt in so few words. KUDOS!! Reminds me of Hemingway’s response when challenged to write a novel in fewer than a dozen words. For Sale: baby shoes. Never worn.

    • Poignant stuff, TC.
      Feel free to change mine up however it best suits. I first wrote ‘get outta my house – you’re a john, not a spouse’ (because it was hookers & strippers too). But I decided to bring home the happy ending angle.
      So glad we can all find the humor & snark thru all this – essential to healing , methinks.

  • I just wanted to say congratulations to the talented crew who provided me with much amusement while reading the entries. Way to go!

  • Kudos to all of the creative lovelies in CN. Bravo and thanks for the many laughs (and quite a lot of inspiration)! Thank you, Tracy, for hosting the party, as always 🙂

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