Maybe the Other Woman Is ‘The One’?

other woman is the one

Maybe the Other Woman is the one her husband really loves and they were fated to be. Or maybe he’s a standard cheater.

***

Dear Chump Lady,

My husband told me in November about the affair he’s been having with a former (married-with-two-children) co-worker since September. The affair is emotional, except for one kiss they shared before a change in his career took us to the other side of the ocean from her. Since then, it’s been entirely online, as far as I know.

After my husband told me about the affair, I left him, only to take him back when he showed up on my parents’ doorstep two days later.

After we spent a month trying to reconcile, I found out that the affair was still going on. Since then, my husband has all but stopped talking to me, and as far as I know (from reading the emails I initially discovered between the two of them, he is planning to build a life with this woman, whom he has known and has been friends with for approximately four years). I am done trying to save the marriage (as is he), and at this point am just focused on how to move past this.

The part I’m struggling with is accepting the fact that this wasn’t about sex, or some stupid fantasy fling, and it’s not about my husband being a narcissist, or about any of the personality-disorder, relationship-disorder things that affairs often seem to be associated with.

Instead, it just seems like my husband, who had had crushes on this woman for years, was given an opportunity to build a relationship with her and he took it.

And it seems as though they might legitimately be in love.

He told me that once their relationship got going, he felt that a life with her was “fate.” Hard as I try, I don’t know how to get past the fact that even though I gave my husband everything—ten years together, three years of marriage, and our little boy—he has fallen in what seems to be legitimate love with this other woman (though I acknowledge that by building this relationship in the form of an affair, it was the worst possible way to build something healthy).

I don’t envy anyone who is dealing with a physical affair or with an insane cheating narcissist, but I also don’t know how to heal from the fact that my husband seems to have found someone he loves, respects, and admires, and it turns out that that person is not me.

How do I heal from the idea that I’m just not “the one” for the person who was “my one”?

Thanks for your help.

Kate

***

Dear Kate,

Please disabuse yourself of the notion that the Other Woman is special and this is love.

Your husband is a cake-eater. He’s not a special case. He can sit shoulder-to-shoulder with all the other personality disordered, narcissistic, cheating losers. He’s not a star-crossed lover who was Fated to Be with the OW. He’s not noble and the OW isn’t noble either. They’re plain, old boring banal cheaters.

But, but…. she’s The One!

(sigh)

Kate, you’re drinking the cheater Koolaid.

That your husband and the Other Woman are Compelled By Forces Much Bigger Than Themselves. Four years sneaking around and they only KISSED and he’s promising MARRIAGE? OMG. You believe this? Grown ups fuck. That’s what they do. Men don’t devote four years of attention to women they are not fucking or have not already fucked. He did not chastely fall in love with his crush object over Skype. He’s been having an affair.

And speaking of emotional affairs and Skype and an ocean between them, that IS “some stupid fantasy fling.” Key word: fantasy. She’s married with two kids. He’s married with one child. And they only thing they have is their clandestine life together, spent mostly in front of a computer screen. If that’s not a fantasy, World of Warcraft is real and I’m a druid shaman.

You want me to believe your husband isn’t a narcissist?

He’s not disordered like all the other Bad Cheaters? No sir, he’s just a guy who’s spent FOUR years in an affair and THREE years married to you. (Do the math.) A man who made a commitment and a baby with you while he was in “love” with another woman? And now — that he’s moved you overseas and isolated you — he’d like to end the marriage and leave you with a small child, because of a KISS he once shared? He’s a liar. Oh sure, there is nothing disordered, selfish, or fucked up about him. (Rolling my eyes into the back of my head.)

Let’s next discuss how the OW is the special, anointed One. She’s so very special, that when you left him because of his affair, he begs you to come back and reconcile with him. Apparently, OW isn’t more powerful than CAKE. You take him back for a month and discover, hey, he’s still in his affair with her, promising her a life together, while he’s “reconciling” with you. CAKE.

Yes, she sounds really special.

Kay Jewelers should make a diamond heart pendant for the sort of special occasion that says, “I like to fuck you, and fuck with your head, but I prefer to do it from the comfort of my marriage.” She must really know how cherished she is.

But now you’re done with him, so — hey! she’s the ONE. It’s really REAL!

Your husband is a piece of shit. He wants you to believe that he’s been “friends” with this woman for four years, but nothing happened back home except a “kiss.” And his “emotional affair” was only two months long — September – November. And based on this 8-week true meeting of the souls, he’s ready to chuck his relationship with you? Well, not really. He wants to stay married and eat cake. Except you discovered him eating cake. And since then, she’s the One True Love of His Life — and you’ll just have to understand that you were never as special as OW is to him.

Kate, I’m sorry. He’s been lying to you.

Your whole marriage is based on a lie — and it doesn’t matter now. What matters is getting the hell away from him and stop buying his stupid, self serving narrative. You’ve got the same run-of-the-mill idiot cheater we all got — a weak, selfish, manipulative jerk. He’s not a special case.

So why would he want you to believe that he is?

Because then you’ll absolve him of his crimes and won’t judge his character. You’ll protect his image. And you’ll eat the shit sandwich that this is all nothing personal, you just aren’t The One.

Why would YOU want to believe this idiotic story?

Because if he’s a Good Man whose only crime is his heart wanted someone else, then you won’t feel like a chump. Like you were played by a character disordered asshole. You won’t have to connect the dots that he betrayed you with a lot more than a kiss, that your marriage was a farce, and that you were used. Instead, you were just Not Right for Each Other.

My advice to you is don’t stand in the way of this Great Love That Cannot Be Denied. Call the OW’s husband today and let him know immediately of this powerful force that grips his wife. Tell him to clear the way and let the two lovebirds be together. It’s FATE. And when fate calls we must all answer!

Fate is telling me you must call your divorce attorney. And stop believing in fairy tales. He’s not the “one” for you — and THANK GOD. He’s a cheater. Let him go.

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Kar marie
Kar marie
8 years ago

Character disorderd assholes. The lot of them. All we can do is divorce, no contact, move on, heal ourselves, dont look back. Fuckers.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago

Kate,

Even if he is in his-version-of-what-real-love-is with someone else, don’t ever be upset that you weren’t The One for someone who would dishonor his vows, his family responsibilities, and our general Western Hemisphere moral code to start up a relationship with someone else in secret.

This isn’t feudal Japan 800 years ago; the guy had plenty of opportunity to do things honorably, and he didn’t. He’s a louse, and you deserve better than to be “The One” for someone like that.

Stay mighty!

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

“[Y]ou deserve better than to be “The One” for someone like that.”

Yup.

chumplisa
chumplisa
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

I remember learning in my psychiatry rotation (and I think Tempest has a degree or something in this area????) that you end up with your psychological equal. So yes Kate be glad you weren’t The One for this flaming piece of shit asshole. Gawd…. I wanted to stick my finger down my throat and puke reading this BS he fed you. Please please do not believe any of it. What CL said about him not wanting you to question his character gets to the core of the matter. These asshats will do anything to keep from looking at their REAL selves in the mirror and justifying their actions (its always star crossed isn’t it?), hence the narcissistic disorder label.

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

“don’t ever be upset that you weren’t The One for someone who would dishonor his vows” – thank you for that, sephage.

JenJen66
JenJen66
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Thanks for saying that Sephage. I never thought of it that way — don’t be upset about not being The One for someone who is dishonorable. I just hope that someday he meets his match.

chumplisa
chumplisa
8 years ago
Reply to  JenJen66

He already did meet his “match.” A whore with 2 kids who would have an affair with a married man. I hope Kate calls the OW’s husband. Then lets see what FATE deals them. I just feel sorry for the kids. Now thats the shit sandwich that never goes away.

Arlo
Arlo
8 years ago

CL, Thank you sooooo much for cutting straight thru the bullshit!

You are really helping me retrain my brain about how to see and hear and think.

Chumpita
Chumpita
8 years ago
Reply to  Arlo

My cheater-ass-ex recently introduced a New One (not the OW) to our daughters and is going to live with her. He has only known her for two months and she is “The One”. I confess I was a bit jealous at the beginning because he is doing everything for her that he hadn´t done for me in years. But then on further research I found out from someone who knows her very well, that she is the complete opposite from me and will probably dump him as soon as she finds a better option. She´s been through four marriages, has cheated on all of her husbands, is still married to her last husband but left him for a lover and then left the lover for my ex, all in a period of a few months. She is extremely sexy and open about it, but couldn´t care less about the consequences of using her libido to create pick me dances among her men. She smokes, is a meat eater and has never had a steady job in her life (I mention this because I am the opposite). She lives off the men she marries and her only property (a house on the beach) isn´t really hers because her husband bought it in his name and if she gets anything it will be half of that apartment. She has nothing but a crazy life to show (at 40) and my ex is in love because she is “exciting” and unpredictable and speaks French (I don´t). She has curly hair and I have straight hair, damaged toes from ballet (mine are cute and perfect) and can´t have children (I have two). She even has a name that I always hated and I use for when I have to give a fake name for commercial purposes. My complete opposite! At first I felt sorry for her when I knew she was dating my ex, but now I see that this is FATE and they must be together to either destroy each other or avoid each one from destroying the lives of more innocent chumps out there.

Two narcs together must be twu wuv!

Oh, Karma, sweet, sweet Karma….finally here!

Bev
Bev
8 years ago

“Grown ups fuck”… CL nails it again. My teenagers wouldn’t carry on a 4 year “love” affair with someone they kissed once. She may be The One if you define “one” as some skanky bitch that carries on with a married man behind her husband’s back. They so deserve each other.

Liberty
Liberty
8 years ago
Reply to  Bev

The funniest thing I ever saw was a text from OW to Satan’s Stand-In saying “I don’t care if your text to your psycho ex-wife was about your son, you shouldn’t be texting her EVER. I don’t understand how you could possibly be nice to the kind of woman who referred to me, your life partner as a ‘skank’? How can you be gentle with her whilst accepting emotional violence to me? You didn’t even challenge her about it! You allowed your horrible ex, who is out to get me (and you) and who you don’t even like and never loved, to call the incredibly wonderful love of your life, a skank. I hate you for that.”
Followed sixty seconds later by, “I’ve tried to call you 16 times today and you won’t answer your phone. I don’t ignore you and neglect you like she did. I love you so much. I think it’s time we got married.”
Yawn… ? ? ?

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  Liberty

Oh, hell, that really made me laugh. Thanks, Liberty!

Liberty
Liberty
8 years ago
Reply to  Liberty

Actually I didn’t refer to the Incredibly Wonderful Love of His Life as a ‘skank’. I said she was a ‘lying skank’. ?

Hurt1
Hurt1
8 years ago
Reply to  Bev

On Day I asked cheater ex if he had had sex with the OWhore & he said no but that he wanted to. Hum, then how come I ended up with a STD after he moved out?

Jackie
Jackie
8 years ago
Reply to  Hurt1

Got me one of those, too. Faithful 24 yesrs ended up with the silent killer HPV 16.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Jackie

800 mcg of folic acid daily + B12 is a preventative measure you can take so that you don’t develop abnormal cells. (Frankly, everyone should take 800 mcg daily Folic Acid–prevents birth defects, may prevent chromosome abnormalites & cancers, + good for heart health).

linda2
linda2
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thank you Tempest! I will try that. My CH swore nothing sexual went on but the lab tells a different story.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  linda2

Linda2–the old adage about “how do you know he is lying? His lips are moving,” obviously applies to your X.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Bev

I agree with CL and CN that most “emotional affairs” were most likely also physical affairs that cheaters just don’t want to admit. HOWEVER, even if the affair was “only” emotional, that is a huge betrayal of loyalty, fidelity, and trust. My cheater had multiple emotional affairs he is (how shall I put this politely) L-IMPaired, thus I rather believe there was no actual action. Doesn’t matter. Cheating is cheating and still completely unworthy behavior towards the chump.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago

Hell to the yes!! My handsome, charming,cake eating, and craptacular lying piece of shit X-hole had me mesmerized for 8 years. I believed every lie that came out of his lying liar hole until I couldn’t anymore. He still minimizes and lies and projects his shit on me but I don’t bite.

Those disordered assholes turn you against yourself and you don’t even realize it’s happened.

Kate…listen to CL, lawyer up and spray some Bitch-B-Gone on that shit and move on. It’s going to hurt likeva MF’er for awhile but you WILL survive and it will get better.

Hugs 🙂

Free2be
Free2be
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

Oh my goodness, NCStevie, you had me laughing! I visualized the Bitch-B-Gone spray. I need to buy some!

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

I LOVE you, NCStevie!!!! Preach, sistah, peach!!!!

Sketckyokgirl
Sketckyokgirl
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

I second this story and advice. I am so much happier.

ironwarrior
ironwarrior
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

Well it must be something in our NC water. My STBX wife had me for 7 years of lies and deception that was so good, as she was living a 7 year double life affair…that she had me believing that I really was a monster for questioning her fidelity. LOL. Such a bad situation…however – when the truth came out…10-Day Long D-DAY…I was in shock with a sense of relief that finally there was some sense (insane as it was) to what had been going on for 3 years shy of a decade. Oh yeah 33 years married, 2 Kids, 2 Grandkids and she went off the reservation when we were married for 26 years. A huge hole, put into what I thought was the narrative of my life. Now 6 months after D-Day…I am feeling stronger, So time really has proven to be an ally. No Contact was key to begin the healing. The depths of how crazy a person who feels self entitled and self absorbed will go, to create their fantasy relationship with their AP is really only limited by their own imagination. As most, if not all cheaters are sociopaths – their lack of conscience – allows them to go where No Chump Has Gone Before! What it is…Is…What it is…Where you are is Where you are…and calling the Duck a Duck…even when it acts and quacks like one…seems to be an innate inability for us Chumps. We can be trained however, to peel back our Chump Lenses and gain the 20/20 vision that will protect us from experiencing the terrible trauma, our piece of shit cheaters so innocently and graciously offered up to us Chumps to experience. Thanks to Chump Lady and this Chump Nation for creating a protected reserve for us Chumps that without this kind of support, would be wondering around in doubt and self pity. This website really has been a God Send…and I just wanted to say thanks!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  ironwarrior

Yes, me too. I had been treated SO strangely for years and years, and I felt like I was always trying to catch my balance in my marriage. He loved me, then he ridiculed me. He put passionate moves on me, then he said I was plain and ignored me. He wanted all my attention morning, noon and night, and then he disappeared to someone else’s house, or the bar, and wouldn’t tell me anything. It all made sense, when I figured out he was a serial cheater and porn/hooker lover. It WAS a weird kind of relief, and my life started making sense! Then I found CL, and it really made sense!

Ninja Chump
Ninja Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  ironwarrior

Iron warrior I totally relate to your sense of relief once it all came out. Same here. It wasn’t closure but the freedom of validation helped me move on.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  Ninja Chump

+1, amazing how our cheaters all use similar play books!

GiveTimeTime
GiveTimeTime
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

NCStevie – “his lying liar hole”

I don’t know why, but I just love that you wrote that quote.

“spray some Bitch-B-Gone on that shit”

Love that one, too. I’ll think I’ll be quoting you a bit.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
8 years ago
Reply to  GiveTimeTime

Hahahaham I love “spray some bitch-be-gone on that shit!” May I quote you in the future!? (Still laughing)

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  GiveTimeTime

+1 and then some.

chris1731
chris1731
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

I’m just a year out from divorce. I’m only now understanding NCStevie; I trusted those lies and boy it’s true never trust the words that come out of a cheater mouth – TRUST THAT THEY LIE!!!

The words they use protect them, justify their actions and devalue us and our family’s.

MovingOn
MovingOn
8 years ago

All I had to read was that the cheater felt that life with the OW was “fate.” Right there– that’s your sign. Cheaters love to use the vocabulary of romance novels. Ditch him and tell him to funnel his overblown proclamations into a career writing for Harlequin. Seriously? Fate? Do grown-ups really believe that meeting romantic partners involves some mystical force that controls us and makes us powerless to make our own decisions? Good grief.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

Agreed. Mine said that the OWhore “saw the lost little boy inside of him” and that I had failed to see this. Barf.

Liberty
Liberty
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

The skank OW said EXACTLY the same thing to Satan’s Stand-In! The crazy bunny thinks she was the first and only woman to ‘see’ that in him! Its never occurred to her that every single woman in his life ‘saw’ that too (because it’s an act he has perfected over his lifetime! – he INTENDED us all to see it!). But she is sooo SPESHUL of course. Until the next one ‘sees’ it too..

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
8 years ago
Reply to  Liberty

And after the O-ho “sees the little boy inside of him,” she gets to see (taa-dah), his little wiener inside of her. GROSS.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I’m really not into “little boys”, or middle aged ” tennagers “. I like actual MEN. Like Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch. Grown up men. Adult men. Not boys.

Shechump
Shechump
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Can sure relate to your-hate-the-penis thing. I get it.
But, of course, we all understand and know that many men aren’t as well ‘endowed’ as others; same as women not having ‘big breasts’, if that’s your thing.
Size does not matter! Right? 😉

Lakay
Lakay
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Mine declared with such passion that his love with the dick-sucking ghoul was “the real deal”. After a season of doing the pick me dance, I decided to get out of the way of their real deal. I was literally two hours into my journey to a new town with a car loaded with kids, a dog, our life, when their true love started to crash and burn. What a fucking waste. And a lifetime of pain for my kids.

Jackie
Jackie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Barf.. lol getting such a kick out of these comments. Fiesty group, lol.

Arlo
Arlo
8 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

So true!!!! That romance novel vocab reflects their overall level of maturity. When mine started talking about being swept off his feet, I was tempted to stick a paci in his mouth to shut him up.

Jackie
Jackie
8 years ago
Reply to  Arlo

Fate, swept off my feet. Added to my red flag mental checklist. You both are right… and yes good grief.

Kar marie
Kar marie
8 years ago

Yes as soon as they are caught, the lines come out, love at first sight, the one im meant to be with, soul mates, fate, i was always missing something. Puke, barf, puke, and double barf! So he says til the next one comes along…..
Stupid stooopid man. Fucker.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Kar marie, you hit the nail on the head here… “as soon as they are caught!!!” This is really what offended and hurt me so much at the time and for a long time after, if Ex and OW were really “meant to be together” all those many months possibly a year or more, than why didn’t he leave??? (Cake.) It was fine for him to carry on secretly w/her while eating food paid for by me, cooked by me, and living in a house paid for by me. Until he was caught and then it was some horrible imprisonment for him to have been here. WTF??? As CL says, it’s all about the Cake, and my Ex even admitted to me, when I said, “if you are in wuv with her, why didn’t you come to me and tell me?” and he replied, “I needed to make sure it was a sure thing with her first.” In that moment I saw him clearly as the cowardly opportunist he had always been all along.

CakelessinKalamazoo
CakelessinKalamazoo
8 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

It is amazing. The most unromantic, unemotional man I knew justified blowing our family apart “because she’s in my head and I can’t get her out” and “she’s in my heart and I love her too much for anyone else”, to which I replied,”Oh, your poor widdle feewings will be sad if you don’t leave me to be with her.” and he got furious for my “mocking and belittling his feelings and emotions.” I said when those feelings and emotions are making him choose the stupidest decision possible, damn right I’m going to belittle them. I reminded him that he did this to the OW behind her back whenever she did something stupid (she was a very close family friend so we all knew each other’s business) and funnily enough, he didn’t have anything to say to that. So he can make fun of everyone else including the dim bulb he was fucking at the time, but no one better dare question his obviously intelligent and well thought out decision making.

It was infuriating. Either greeting card platitudes about how much they loved each other, it wasn’t supposed to happen but they couldn’t be without each other, or flat out refusal to discuss anything I wanted to know. If I had a dollar for every time he said, “I’m done.” whenever I’d press him for reasons why or details, I probably wouldn’t need child support.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
8 years ago

Right?? I’m a year post d day….he left me for her…..the one that was just a friend, under another name in his phone…..for 2 years.
My kids ( 18 and 24) don’t speak to him at all and now he’s trying to use me to get through to them so he’s actually a bit kind these days ( he’s stopped calling me a cunt so that’s cool). But he had totally discarded me and I had found my joy in that, now that he’s back to speaking to me to “heal the kids”( who don’t want it, btw) I just find myself anxiety ridden over it….ugh!!
I became the villan in his story. As he would tell it, she was his affair partner briefly 15 years ago and they ran into eachother again ( 3 affairs inbetween) and we’re” just friends” for 2 years before he spontaneously asked me for s divorce…..but I’m the “cunt” apparently for not buying into the narrative that they were just friends until roughly the day after he moved out…..nobody here is buying that story.
Keep it real dude…..own your shit. I get the ” we’re so innocent” story all the time and then when I ask things like why the gps on his iPhone tracked him to a hotel months before he left……crickets. I get the “let me tell you why I’m great” or the “I don’t have to tell you shit” whenever he just can’t explain his way out of it……my personal fave when he just has no good answer is “well?? What about you? We were both responsible for the breakdown of the marriage”…….uhhhh, I don’t think so….
No contact is the only way to go…..they are master manipulators.
I learned to be happy in that no contact was easy because he wanted nothing to do with me because his affair partner would not allow it. Now he’s back to speaking to me…..but only from work and only from his work phone……anybody here surprised by that?? Lol
Thank god for chump nation. I’m glad my ex exiled me to no contact land, I’m pretty sure he had no idea if be so happy there……think I’m going back.

Liberty
Liberty
8 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Block the c**t under the name C**t. ?

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Block him Paintwidow, don’t let his bullshit into your head again. Rock on with your bad self!

Anita
Anita
8 years ago

CakelessinKalamazoo, what I think these morons don’t realize is that the “other person” isn’t what is creating the “unequaled love”, the situation of the affair is actually what creates the feelings of ” love”. I use those terms loosely. But most ap if they were just dating in normal life would probably have a mundane, probably short lived relationship. Like most relationships turn out.

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Yes, ex’s schmoopie#1 insisted post D-Day that they were the “loves of each others’ lives.” Certainly stunned me and her husband to find out. 10 days later ex told me he was going to marry her.

My response? “You are marrying someone you had group sex with? For 15 years??”

Nuff said.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
8 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

We have to put an end to this whole fairy tail of love at first site, destiny blah blah blah. Walt Disney and just about every ‘girl’ movie for generations promulgated that crap. From what I have learned here, disordered assholes (who as we are discussing are not very creative) know this line of culturally accepted bs works. I have fallen for it. I bet every chump here has fallen for it. We need to teach ourselves that love, good relationships are based on friendship, mutual respect, reciprocity and chemistry. Thank God for Frozen and a bunch of new movies that are taking on that narrative, not because there is some general acknowledgement that this is the first line out of a ClusterBfuckers mouth but because they want to empower women to solve there own problem. I would like to see a ‘girl’ movie that shows a heroine, developing a friendship and waiting and watching to see if he can do more than unbuckle his sword.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

My favorite Disney film has always been Mulan–she defies gender roles, works hard & becomes a kick-ass warrior, saves the country, and snags the polite man who likes her as a kick-ass woman (and who has the singing voice of Donny Osmond).

Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

+1 for Mulan! My hero 🙂

JenJen66
JenJen66
8 years ago

Dear CL and CN, I’ve been reading this blog for a few months now. I still can’t get over how the cheaters are all so much alike! They even say the same things! My STBX will NEVER admit to having any type of affair, physical or emotional. But I KNOW he has in some capacity. I caught him out (long story) over a year ago having drinks until 1:30 in the morning with a “friend.” Then I saw the flirtatious emails he sent her. But he insists she’s just a “friend.” NO. She is a friend who he was pursuing so they could be more than friends some day. I’ve been such a major chump all these years, but didn’t know it. When someone tells me something, I believe it. I’m a pretty trusting person. But now I realize that I shouldn’t look at only words anymore. I should look at words AND actions! His words always said one thing, but his actions sad another thing. I’m learning. I don’t want to be a chump again. After over 20 years of being together, I finally started exposing him to my family, his family (they didn’t like that!) and my friends. I kept all of the lies and bs all to myself all these years. I didn’t want to be the kind of wife that talked bad about her husband, so I kept our marital stuff to myself. THAT was a big mistake! Thanks CL and CN for sharing freely your stories with me. It’s made me feel less alone and not crazy. I felt crazy so much in my marriage. Like I was seeing something or feeling something (my gut) and he’d tell me that what I was seeing or feeling wasn’t true. I now realize he was having his cake. Wife (slave), kids, dog, house, meals prepared, everything taken care of for him and then he could have his “friends” on the side who gave him endless attention and admiration (narc supply.) I know it’ll be a long time until I feel better and I have a lot of work to do, but I can’t wait until the day that I can look back and say I’m happy to be out of this relationship. I’m not quite there yet as I’m scared of what the future holds. But everyone says it’ll get better, so I’m trusting that it will in time.

This Chump medicated for your protection
This Chump medicated for your protection
8 years ago
Reply to  JenJen66

I never could figure out how they learn cheater speak. Maybe a hand me down through generations. Maybe a course like cheater speak 101.
Then one day I found my answer reading here. I think DM said it. “Satan is the author of all lies.”
Same script by the same author. It’s the only common denominator.

ItsAJourney
ItsAJourney
8 years ago
Reply to  JenJen66

Good for you JenJen! Hang in there. The toughest part for me was mentally unwinding the the 27 year farce that I thought was a marriage. CL really helped me to see the reality of things. Having a cheater vernacular was a tremendous help as well, because finally, I could name the craziness I was steeped in. He lied and lied, even when I confronted him about events I knew were true; he made me feel like I was going crazy: gas lighting. I wondered why he didn’t just ask for a divorce if he was truly so unhappy, wondered why he would beg for forgiveness, and then reconnect with the whores: cake eater. CL and Chump Nation have been right so far, so I have to believe them when they say things will get better. Keep hanging out with Chump Nation, and before you know it you’ll be unentangled from your a-hole cheater and looking forward to whatever the next day brings.

FinallyAwake
FinallyAwake
8 years ago
Reply to  JenJen66

Well this sounds familiar. I realize now I was his secret keeper, a well trained and ground down one who was happy with the meager kibbles of him behaving affectionately with me around other people (well,not his friends) and him telling me how he told everyone I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

I’m such a chump.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  FinallyAwake

I hear you. I was the keeper of his secrets… deviant sexual fetishes… I was his biggest promoter (spackler extraordinaire) telling everyone how wonderful he was for almost 20 years. He hid behind me and my children; it was his mask of normalcy, but he is NOT.

Jackie
Jackie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Yup.

Peacechump
Peacechump
8 years ago
Reply to  FinallyAwake

I, too, was a secret keeper extraordinaire. I loved him and wanted him to be loved by friends and family. Yet he talked me down with friends. I protected him but it came back to bite me. To new chumps I would advise telling your truth. Post divorce I look like the bad guy since I kept so much to myself.

mirad
mirad
8 years ago

He totally IS a narcissist. Oh my goodness — how do you think he’s NOT one of the disordered ones. And Tracy is right — grown ups fuck. Don’t believe men who say it was only emotional. If there’s any sort of attachment, they fucked and she’s a whore in the bedroom.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
8 years ago

I always wanted to meet a Druid Shaman.

Oh wait….

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

There might be a bunch of Chump Druid Shamans roasting marshmallows at Yosemite this coming summer :)!

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago

Hi Kate,

I was sort of in your shoes at one time. Boy does it suck. The ex in my life pulled the same shit. Told me it wasn’t about the sex, yada yada yada. He never did it before but “our marriage was over anyway.” Except I didn’t know it was over.

We still told each other we loved eachother every day. We were still going on vacations together, still having sex. And oh yeah, he didn’t tell me he wanted a divorce.

We did the whole get back together thing after dday( for three of the longest years of my life) and I got to see up close and through a different set of eyes that he was really no different then any other cheater on the planet.

The two of them found twu wuv from the safety of their marriages and in the end their great love couldn’t even withstand the discovery of the affair. He dumped her, sort of. CAKE while I did the pick me polka and had fits every time his whereabouts couldn’t be accounted for. CAKE.

I left and made it easier for the great loves to be together forever! It bothered me that he discarded me after 25 years together for their great love and they were probably better suited yada yada yada.

Then I realized it was crap. One time, twenty times, they still lie and cheat and eat cake at someone else’s expense. Let them be together for as long as they all miserably live! At least it’s a couple of disordered wing nuts paired up with the best possible match which hopefully makes the world a better place!

It gets better I promise. Soon you will see that they did you a favor. Now you are free to find someone who truly cherishes you or just be mighty by yourself. It’s far better than letting a cheater suck the life out of you!

Wow33
Wow33
8 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

This is exactly my story as well. We where married for 23 years, 2 kids no problems in marriage. Never ever did he tell me he was unhappy. Discovered affair with married smoopie in 2012.
He also told me that they only hugged and a kiss on the cheek, and nothing else happend. Promised me he would not see her anymore, but that was a lie. The affair went further underground and it was harder to proof but not impossible.
In the meantime he would tell me he loved me and we had regular sex…
Cake, cake and more cake??
After 9 months I realized that I was the one reading all the books about making this marriage work. There was no remorse on his part. We went to Counceling 2-3 times and he stopped going, which was for his benefit so he can say it did not work. I filled for divorce with in the year and he did not stop me. Now 4 years later she is divorced from her husband and they moved in together with her kids. She is trying so hard to be buddy buddy with my kids, texting them cute things but my teenage girls don’t want nothing to do with her and pulling away from their dad.
And all that of course is my fault.
He thinks I talk bad about him, and turn the kids against him.

He is not happy with our kids that they don’t talk or text him much. He keeps telling them that it’s not right how they treat him and that he loves them very much… If you would love them that much you would not be so selfish and destroy their family. If you loved them that much if you gave all the attention you gave to whore to your wife it would have been a good marriage.

Moose
Moose
8 years ago
Reply to  Wow33

Add me to this club as we’ll. assholes.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  Wow33

Wow33, same story here, my X chooses appalling courses of actions, and then puts on an Oscar-worthy poor sausage performance when faced with the consequences of his behavior…

NC is the best way to deal with that mindfuck, even though eating shit sandwiches is inevitable if one has kids with a cheater.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Cheaterssuck, Wow33 & Chumptitude –

I am going to have to join your club. Exact same shit happened here.

I think that’s what made it so horrific at the time of discovery -hearing the words…and having sex up until the morning of discovery -then right after discovery in the afternoon -now I am hearing “ILUBINILWY” and “I haven’t been happy with you ever”. All within a 12 hour period!

I am divorced 3 years now and mighty. It seems as more time passes and while I gaze back at what she did it just keeps on getting more pathetic. She did teach me how to dance though, LOL.
.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago

These disordered folks know that being straight about the sexual infidelity would be a game-changer. Never forget that. The “‘just’ an emotional affair” junk is ambiguous enough to keep you on the hook. It is about power here. Why would a cheater give up power knowing you’d kick his butt to the curb if you knew he was screwing her?!

Chumptacular
Chumptacular
8 years ago

I don’t think that a cheater wants to have a genuine, open, honest conversation about their infidelity because they don’t want to change their ways. They don’t want to give up cheating and have a monogamous relationship with their chump. They want cake at the chump’s expense.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptacular

I haven’t read all the posts yet but wanted to point out to the OP that just because your husband has said that OW is “the one” doesn’t mean that there haven’t been other “ones” before her. My X also said on D-day that he was “having a midlife crisis,” that OW was “the biggest opportunity of his life,” that “it just happened,” that it was that twu wuv from up above, i.e. CHEATER 101. For about six months after this I basically believed him. I even reached a point where I forgave him, I mean, golly gee whillikers, love was just like a lighting bolt from the sky that struck these two star-crossed fuckers, right????? Then about eight months later one night I was toodling about my laptop and opened up a file that should have just contained some old photos of our house… except it was an email outbox folder and showed me that Ex had cheated before, that he had been sending these emails to a woman I never heard of, five years before OW/Schmoopie/the Wuv of his life… WTF??? I was devastated even more than when I found out about OW. So Kate, hey, I hate to break it to you but this might not be your husband’s first rodeo. And yeah, I was also told that I just wasn’t the One for him, and current Whore of the Moment was. I’m sorry to break it to you but your H is probably also a serial cheater. There are people for whom this is a LIFESTYLE. Not “one little mistake” as my cheater tried to convince me so I would give him 50% of our shared assets.

Arlo
Arlo
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

‘twu wuv from up above’

That cracks me up 🙂

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

My Ex even proclaimed he’d made “One Little Mistake in Sixteen years!” and accused me of over-reacting. He never thought I would find out abut the other affairs. Don’t trust anything he says, Kate. A person who will easily tell one lie will easily lie for any reason or no reason.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago

NCStevie, “Those disordered assholes turn you against yourself and you don’t even realize it’s happened.” Never a more powerful truth spoken!!!!!

Kate, I do get how it hurts for these words to be uttered, ‘she’s the one,’ etc. so I first want to acknowledge how painful that is to here. As far as your husband, please look to his behaviors. Men of decent character do not do what he has done. CL has summed him up perfectly as a cake eating narcissist. The more you research narcissism, the more you will see it beyond the sting of what he is saying about meeting “the one.” I can say from firsthand experience, and tons of research (which I recommend you do) that your soon to be ex is definitely a narc. Most of the advice here and most of it online says RUN from these disordered people, which is the only way to deal with them: don’t play, don’t engage, go no contact (easier said then done but truly possible and has been the best thing for me).

Ps, someone posted a great link to an article on esteemology (a website devoted to info and recovery from narcs) asking the very question you are asking: will they be happy with someone else? CL truly nailed it and this article will help too. They are NOT “happier” with their “soul mates.” The article is great because it basically says they WILL return to their miserable asshole selves and that their default settings are charm, rage, and self-pity (poor me). I promise in time you will see all this but right now you are most likely hurting big time and I am so very sorry. Keep seeking support here. This site has been instrumental in my healing.

brit
brit
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

Truth, “Cheaters turn us against ourselves and we don’t know it’s happening”. Glad I’m not living in that turmoil of pick me and spackle. Believing the crap that he fed me for years and blaming myself for not living up to his standards.
X said he found someone he had more in common with but they never did anything until he moved out of our home. I was expected to believe him.
Sounded good to him and he could maintain his squeaky clean image, the man of integrity.
More in common apparently than 20 years of marriage with me, and life ups and downs, a child, a home etc.
They’re all full of crap.

Buddy
Buddy
8 years ago
Reply to  brit

Multiple types of narcs exist from my experience and research.

On one end of the spectrum, you have the overt, gregarious, boasting, plate-throwing, verbally abusing narcs. On the other hand, you have the quiet, manipulating, waif-like, “shy”, subtly emotionally abusive narcs.

Just because a narc doesn’t throw plates and overtly verbally control/abuse you doesn’t mean they aren’t a narc.

I’m sure if Kate were to describe their relationship in more detail, we’d see the signs of selfishness, subtle mind-fuckery and lack of caring/compassion/empathy.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

“hear” not here.

movingon@51
movingon@51
8 years ago

Yeah, she may be ” the One” for now, but it’ll never last. You see, these cheaters are immature assholes that have never grown up and developed. They have no idea what real love is and never will! When you’ve been with someone for a long time, you think you have ‘real’ , ‘deep’ and ‘mature’ love, that has been built and grown over time,but these freaks never leave the surface. You think of all the years of things you’ve been through together like the birth of your children, the death of some loved ones or parents, the struggles to buy a home, make a family, of the dirty diapers, the flu, the family pets, the day to day drudgery and hard work you put in every day. And you think you’ve seen him at his worst and he’s seen you at your worst, you know each other warts and all, and that’s what real love is about…hard work, committment,struggles, sometimes boredom, good times too…and this is really what all of life is!Good and bad, taking the good with the bad, overcoming together. It’s getting through all that together and having something strong, mature and enduring. But, nope…these freaks would trade it all in for someone that they’ve known for a couple months and got a kiss. Because they’re dreamers, idealists, they fall for all the surface stuff like a pretty face or ass, whatever! they want the pretty princess who never farts, the facade of living in some castle and being the most envied person on earth. Its like the kid’s book, Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munch. They don’t care what’s inside-they only care about the illusion. Just like in that book, he’s no prince…he’s a bum. He doesn’t deserve you! This is your opportunity to get rid of him and go find the real thing!

Over and Out
Over and Out
8 years ago
Reply to  movingon@51

So true, 51! (PS – I used to read The Paper Bag Princess to my kids when they were little. 🙂 Loved that story!)

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
8 years ago
Reply to  movingon@51

movingon51, You mentioned “They don’t care what’s inside-they only care about the illusion”. So true but that’s what is so disturbing -that the “illusion” trumps their life with spouse and kids. WTF?!?! To me it’s no different than a crack whore choosing to suck on a glass dick opposed to your happiness with your family.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
8 years ago
Reply to  movingon@51

Right on movingon51 – You nailed it!

I am almost 3 years divorced from ex wife and your words are my exact thoughts. Of course the hard part was so painfully getting to the point to live and breathe your exact words. These words bring so much understanding and closure to the devastation that these cheaters inflicted.

I am not one to sit at the bus stop and wait for the karma bus but I have to admit that it would be nice that one day some of our exes land on this site (because they eventually got cheated on) reading your most awesome words/post!

MovingOn
MovingOn
8 years ago
Reply to  movingon@51

From one MovingOn to another: Well said!

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  movingon@51

Amen movingon@51!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago

To anyone in the above situation…. plot a course and run like hell!
One of the things that stuck with me is when CL said, she’s not special, he hasn’t found happiness, he’s doing to her what he did to you for years…until the mask slips.
Try going over the exact information you have right now after 2 months of no contact, 4 months of no contact, 6 months of no contact. You won’t believe how clearly you can see things then.

In WoW terms, he’s Blackhand, you’re Yrel, it can never work.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago

I can relate to this . . . I thought I was the “one” too. Ahem . . .

For 11 years, my now X husband never forgot a birthday, holiday, or anniversary. Always with the mushy cards with sweet little sayings such as “You are the love of my life.” “Without you, I’m not me.” “Just wanted to make you smile today baby.” I had a huge box filled with cards and things he had given me all those years before I tossed it into a big bonfire in the backyard.

Anyway, when I found out about the affair, and back when I had masterful hacking abilities, I was able to get into my then husbands Proflower account and look at the slew of flowers and gifts he had sent his AP. A few times, he even sent us the exact same flowers with the exact same sentiments of love on the cards. You’d think I would have been crushed to see this, but I remember actually feeling some relief, because that’s when I knew the type of person I was really married to. He was pathetic.

I learned that everything he’s ever said to me he’s said to her. So it makes you think, how great can their love be if he doesn’t even have an original thought? He knew I wouldn’t dance and bolted. Suddenly she was his great love. IT WAS DESTINY!

Even though he was the idiot who asked ME to marry him and put the ring on my finger, somehow that was all wrong and do-over, no . . this one over here, THIS one is my TRUE true love. Yeah ok. When you look at it for the absurdity that it is, how bad can you really feel?

The way I look at it, maybe she really is his “great” love. That’s cool, she’s a cheater who left her husband for another cheater. Mazel tov! Maybe they are really suited, what with their lack of character and flimsy moral code. I don’t want him to be my “great” love. That would be awful if that fucker was the best I can do.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Haven’t gotten around to the bonfire yet as it hasn’t been cold enough here to have one, so I mull over the possibility of sending them to the affair partner with a note saying “I guess these were for you”

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Eh . . . tempting but no. In my book, nothing is better than crickets. Have yourself a sweet bonfire. I did it by myself with a bottle of Vodka and my dog. Fan-fucking-tastic.

chjrn
chjrn
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

I did the bonfire also…thought I was being smart and using a fire pit in the driveway. The fire pit had a hole in the bottom and I still have the black mark on my concrete driveway as proof, six years later. Every time I look at that spot, I inwardly laugh.

chjrn
chjrn
8 years ago
Reply to  chjrn

BTW, do you know how large of a fire it takes to burn a pair of cowboy boots? Does not smell so good also.

CakelessinKalamazoo
CakelessinKalamazoo
8 years ago
Reply to  chjrn

I did the opposite. Bagged or boxed up all his shit and left it downstairs by the front door, and told him to get it out of my house whenever he’d come to pick up or drop off the kids. I gave him a week. He refused. Finally, I moved all of it outside into snow drifts around the front walk. Out into freezing rain. Out where anyone could have walked off with it. Most of those days the temps didn’t even break 30 degrees. I hear below freezing temperatures and damp aren’t good for electronics like all his game consoles, his radio, computer components etc.

I also took the condoms he and I used on occasion (sometimes had to take a break from my shot) and threw them and all the bottles of his favorite perfume I’d stockpiled into a bag with all his clothes. Even the little box we kept said condoms in, not that he’d start using them since he didn’t all throughout the six years he was cheating. I hid those little surprises in the middle of his bags of clothes so when he’d dump them out to dig through them, out they’d come and they’d both get a little jack in the box reminder of where he came from.

Clothes I missed? Hmmmm… Some were used to clean up kitty messes, some were ripped to shreds and well… uh… I won’t say what I did with some of his favorite concert tee shirts. 😉

Even when I let him have some of his furniture like his dresser, a desk, etc., I “accidentally” dropped my end and a few drawers fell out and broke on the concrete driveway, his favorite office chair “slipped” fell over and lost a wheel and the baby just happened to have a really bad spit up on the back of the old, ripped up sofa they’d fucked on the day I let him take it after buying the kids and I new livingroom furniture out of that year’s tax return.

It’s the little things to show you don’t care… 🙂

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Oh ha ha haaaaa! I am loving this idea, even though in reality it would just make them think you’re still hung up on him/them. But I still get a grin just thinking about doing it.

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

😀 I had that same bonfire Rumblekitty! Thirty-six years of lies fueled mine!!!

Awesome post! I agree, no way satan could be the love of my life.

Over and Out
Over and Out
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Me, too… There’s something cathartic about watching that stuff go up in flames. I also tossed in my wedding bouquet which I had dried and preserved because it was so beautiful…

Jackie
Jackie
8 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out

I left with just my clothes after 24 years. He gets to sit in the decay and have the bonefire. My life became all new lol even clothes from weight loss shortly after and even new hair since I lost that, too.

MovingOn
MovingOn
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Good point, Rumblekitty. My ex did a lot of the same things to woo the OW as he did with me. He is also continuing similar patterns of behavior that I saw in our marriage in his marriage to her. The only thing he’s done differently so far is take her on vacation to a place that I’m not interested in visiting; we had gone somewhere similar years ago, and that was enough for me. I also burned a gigantic pile of romantic, lovebombing letters, postcards, and cards from him in my backyard bonfire! I’m sure the Owife is being inundated with similar flowery missives! 😀

Ninja Chump
Ninja Chump
8 years ago

What you have here is a regular garden variety cheater your brain just won’t let you see that yet, it’s a weird form of self preservation. You still believe he’s the guy you thought he was because you think he would never blow your life up unless it was actual true love that swept him away. Yes he would and he did. Don’t ascribe your values to him, his aren’t the same. If it hadn’t been this irrelevant whore it would have been someone else because he’s just a cheating bag of rat mucus. It’s who he is, he’ll do it again. Just believe, one hundred percent that you must get out. This is why it’s hard to leave a cheater, you have leave a relationship you don’t want to end and didn’t realize was broken. Its a mindfuck and can keep you stuck for years. Don’t waste your precious life get out now. If you wait to fall out of love with him before you walk away you’ll be waiting a long time. The falling out of love happens after you get away from them. This is why the pain of being cheated on is so unique, you have to walk away from something you still value, only after you’ve gone do you know it was worthless.

Jackie
Jackie
8 years ago
Reply to  Ninja Chump

Wow, Ninja Chump… so well put. All the reading on no contact and healing etc all fails to lay it out as you have.

ItsAJourney
ItsAJourney
8 years ago
Reply to  Ninja Chump

Perfectly said!

Kar marie
Kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  ItsAJourney

I just trust they all suck. The ex will never be a better man for anyone, his kids, family, noone, everyone has to take him like he is and fuck them if they dont! For cheaters noone is the one only the current one! Hes cheating on her now and they live together so no she is not the one and she will find out on her own and deserves everything she has coming to her for trolling and sleeping with married men. And neither knows real love since both decided cheating is ok. She was ok him cheating on me, fun, good times but told him if he cheats on her she will kill him and hooks up with him a known cheater who tells her hes a cheater and most likely will cheat on her and does. Sound desperate? Effing bitch.

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
8 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

I really loved something my therapist said to me after D-Day/Divorce: “After this is all said and done, it’s not like he is getting a personality transplant. He is going to carry the same poor relationship skills into his next partnership. It won’t last.” Lo and behold…she was right. After I went NC and they could no longer torture/triangulate me by throwing her skeezy underwear in my work bag, taking her to an (ex) friend’s wedding we were invited to as his date, going on fancy dinners where he claimed to “know the head chef” (lies-I know the head chef and I never introduced him-but, SPARKLES), or trolling my social media accounts, it lasted about three months…so much for twu wuv…

Ninja Chump
Ninja Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Kar, when she finds out he’s doing it to her can I come around and watch the shitstorm with you? I’ll bring popcorn.

Kar marie
Kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  Ninja Chump

I would love that! I will supply lounge chairs, drinks and tissues for the crying laughter! The whore weighs as much as he does over 200 pounds. Should be a hoot!

Ninja Chump
Ninja Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

It’ll be a fair fight then! Equally matched in weight and assholery ???

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  Ninja Chump

And egos! He man asshole vs. Wait for it….. The she beast!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago

Smack, smack…snap out of it.

Love this, CL!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago

I too, believe X has met his twu wuv! They are a perfect couple…

…of hemorrhoids. I can’t call them perfect assholes, because assholes work and X does not. Still, neither one of them serve any purpose except to occasionally annoy and cause pain.

No worries now; I have my lifetime supply of Preparation H!

JackiesDone
JackiesDone
8 years ago

Yeah, I initially bought that too… That is until I found out about the others, lol. Many many many others. He even cheated on his OW with OW. LOL.

CL, thank you so much for telling it like it is and giving us back our dignity and some sort of grip on reality. A broken heart can really mess you up. This site and the support here allow my HEAD to lead and pull my heart out of the gutter.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
8 years ago

“Kate,”

I wonder where you are today. How did this all turn out? I think we are all dying to know. Hope you’re okay. “Your husband is a piece of shit.”

If there IS a new person reading this post today, please know that us folks here in Chump Nation live under the benevolent reign of the all-powerful Chump Lady. She of the UBT and Spackle-B-Gone. (And apparently some sort of shamanic druid deity too!) Anyways, I speak in a short-hand with lots of acronyms and lingo. So do most of the Chumps here. Don’t let that throw you. Stick around. What may seem like a bunch of “bitter bunnies” might just save your life. They’ve saved mine.

chchchchump
chchchchump
8 years ago

I believe that at least on the surface, some of these assholes manage to nearly completely convince themselves that it really is FATE.

Fucktard’s OWhore bought into the whole Fantasy of “IT IS FATE!” although she didn’t put it that way. She even acknowledged that they had hurt me, but, leaving me was “THE RIGHT THING TO DO!”:

“If you were to choose to be with me, you would be a man who walked away from a long dead marriage. (Funny how the constant “love you!” kinda had me fooled!) Yes, you chose a bad way to do it. Yes, you . . . we . . caused more pain than necessary. But it would have been the right thing to do. You are an honorable man who made mistakes.”

Yes, these disordered cheaters and AP’s are able to convince themselves that not only are they NOT EVIL for cheating, they are somehow noble and HONORABLE. And you want SO BAD to have them acknowledge their disorder. And it ain’t even gonna happen.

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  chchchchump

Chchchchump, that’s my Fucktard Ex’s mentality exactly = “I’m an honorable man who made a mistake and am dissolving this marriage with honor and integrity to be with my twu wuv.” (in an honorable, integrified way, of course)

Phi Slama Jama Mama
Phi Slama Jama Mama
8 years ago

Hahahahahahaha.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago

I needed this today.

Phi Slama Jama Mama
Phi Slama Jama Mama
8 years ago

“Bitch-B-Gone”
Hahahahahaha…*snort*choke*coffee*☕️
What they said. And we are all soooo sorry. Bless your heart…and pass the ammunition. ?

ramonthedog
ramonthedog
8 years ago

CL, is there a cartoon of the Chump Druid Shaman?

Anne
Anne
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

During one of our marriage counseling sessions during the pick me dance, my stbexh said he didn’t mean for “it” to happen and “it” was an “accident.” I couldn’t help flash back to when I was a young girl and I overheard my mom tell my dad that our neighbor got “accidentally pregnant.” I knew the very basics on sex since my dad bred dogs. The mental image my ten year old brain conjured was of my neighbor and her husband lying asleep in bed and his penis moving snake like to the objective. I didn’t understand accidental sex. I still don’t.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Anne

That is hysterical imagery, Anne!

Anne
Anne
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yep. I finally had to ask my mom about accidentally getting pregnant. I didn’t want to risk one of those things coming at me in my sleep. With three other sisters, we had to be on our guard. She had to explain that a penis didn’t just act on its own accord, and I got age appropriate information. Too bad this information wasn’t imparted on my stbexh.

Strad
Strad
8 years ago

Kate, my situation was very similar to yours, except my XH took up with an old girlfriend of his from college after we had been married for 25 years. Here’s the end of the story: I divorced him, the old girlfriend divorced her husband and married mine last year. So the cheaters got each other, and I GOT A LIFE.

FinallyAwake
FinallyAwake
8 years ago
Reply to  Strad

Mine is chasing down his ex from his early 20’s. I’m sure it’s “fate” and they are “meant to be”. She’s a fat sadsack whose husband divorced her for cheating on him years ago. She also cheated on my husbands best friend (with my husband) and cheated on my husband too. That caused one of their two breakups. Lovely. And this is the person who is worth my childrens lives and family.

They deserve each other. Cheaters together. Hope they drive each other insane.

Shechump
Shechump
8 years ago
Reply to  FinallyAwake

My X’s ex-fiance kept trying to contact him. Through letters.
Yep, she was still after them and I read them all. Very manipulative person and he caught her cheating on him right before their marriage.
Today, she is wider than she is tall, went crazy and is now in a mental institution under the care of her family.

I thought he should go back to her.
She was the one who taught him to kiss, after all.

Patsy
Patsy
8 years ago
Reply to  FinallyAwake

OMG! Same here! The Old Flame got in touch when we were still married. He responded enthusiastically. Don’t know whether they cheated on her H. Don’t care.

It is twu wuv. Absolutely.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

And a caution to all chumps: Disordered cheaters never delete your access information. They will land back at your door/phone/email whining about how unfair the world after you has been and wanting to make amends. Then YOU are THE ONE they never should have carpet bombed. Please, please don’t respond. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Don’t even think about giving it another go with someone who is looking to clean you out again.

Wow33
Wow33
8 years ago
Reply to  Strad

Strad, perfectly said!!!!
We gained a life!!!

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago

Kate, Kate, Kate. Anyone who will tell his or her faithful spouse that they have found “The One” and it is “fate” BUT they still want to work on the marriage is full of shit. What they really want is to spur their spouse to work harder and do more and pick-me dance like a Rockette while they boldly pursue their affair partner. They want the understanding and support of their spouse and all the benefits of marriage while they do whatever floats their boat with whomever “fate” sends their way. They want an open marriage that only opens in their direction. They want no consequences. They want CAKE.

Run, sister, run. You’ve already spent your entire marriage to this asshat as Plan B. It’s time to call it a day.

uniballer1965
uniballer1965
8 years ago

As others have said, what does it say about each of them. If she thinks “He’s the one…” her idea of the one is someone who will betray his spouse to be with another.

If he thinks, “She’s the one…” then his idea of “the one” is someone who is ok with screwing with a married man who is not HER husband.

Being “the one” in this scenario seems to be overrated and frankly meaningless. I think she’s better off NOT being the one.

Moose
Moose
8 years ago
Reply to  uniballer1965

THIS!!!!!!

Chumptacular
Chumptacular
8 years ago
Reply to  uniballer1965

Logically and rationally, I understand how the cheater and the affair partner are each getting someone of questionable moral character when the cheater is married or in a committed relationship and the affair partner knows. On an emotional level, it is devastating that the person you thought was your “one and only” could idealize and need someone else, especially someone else of questionable moral character. When you think of all the things you have shared in your relationship and how those things are unique to you as a couple, you then realize that your partner has a whole other relationship with someone else and that relationship has things that are unique to them as a couple. Even if it is someone of questionable moral character that they needed, what hurts is that they needed someone else at all.

uniballer1965
uniballer1965
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptacular

Chumptacular said, “Even if it is someone of questionable moral character that they needed, what hurts is that they needed someone else at all.”

I won’t try to talk you out of feeling sad or any other feeling you might have.

I will ask you to ponder, thing, meditate or consider that you may not be the problem here.

If what you are suggesting is that it’s somehow your fault, that you were somehow not enough, that’s a largely fruitless road.

What I’m not saying is that you or your marriage was perfect. What I’m saying is none of your faults really matter when your spouse is unwilling or unable to be open and honest about needing more or less of something.

I.E. he should have said I need more blow jobs and bacon and less sweatpants and salads if that’s what he believed was missing.

But the typical cheater doesn’t express these unmet needs. They don’t tell you about them. Nor do they ask what you might be needing and not getting, or what you could do without.

The sad part isn’t that you were not enough to meet there needs. You can’t meet needs you don’t even know about. The sad part is the cheater typically doesn’t use his or her words to say what they need or want and just take the easy route.

They are like the person who goes into a store hungry and without a shopping list. They just buy crap off the shelves with little planning or forethought. Maybe they get what they needed or wanted. Maybe they get even more. Or more likely, they don’t get everything they need, just what they noticed in the moment.

So when that person comes home and realizes they forgot something they needed, is it the fault of the store? Of course not, it’s the fault of the haphazard shopper who doesn’t take a moment to really consider their needs and wants.

It’s never your fault when your spouse is that haphazard shopper who doesn’t give you their list or doesn’t revise the list if it changes. You can’t fill needs you didn’t know existed. You can’t stop doing things you didn’t know irritated them.

What I believe is sad is that I’d say most cases of infidelity that are blamed on “unmet needs” be they sex or romance or bacon could probably be solved by having an adult conversation with your spouse.

If you haven’t had that conversation and asked your spouse what he’s missing, but just run down to the store and buy the first thing that catches your eye, then how is that your spouse is the primary problem here?

Don’t feel bad wjem you don’t measure up when it comes to Mr or Mrs Cheaterpants. Cheating is an act of deceit. One can never measure up to someone who is deceitful because they will simply reshape the lie to keep you off balance. One of the principle tools of Mr or Mrs Cheaterpants is to keep you feeling bad and off balance.

For the TL;DR

It’s not you, it’s them, mourn, but don’t blame yourself for their failure to be honest and honorable.

Rachel
Rachel
8 years ago
Reply to  uniballer1965

Thanks, Uniballer. Well said.

Luziana
Luziana
8 years ago
Reply to  uniballer1965

Lovely post, Uniballer! Bravo!

JK
JK
8 years ago
Reply to  uniballer1965

Thanks Uniballer. That was insightful and helpful.

Jackie
Jackie
8 years ago
Reply to  uniballer1965

uniballer1965, so nice hearing this from you as a man and other men here. We are so quick to label it a man thing. It is not gender related. Dont sum up any one group for the actions of a few

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  uniballer1965

Awesome Uniballer!!! Yes, yes and YES! Very well said!

…satan exactly… Entitiled disordered assholes…

Shechump
Shechump
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Uniballer – perfect metaphor! Thank you, very well said. And, sorry, but I just have to post this one for Kate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOg0d4X34tc

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago
Reply to  uniballer1965

Aren’t we all not better being “the one?”

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

+1 x 1000

kb
kb
8 years ago

Hi Kate–

I’m sorry to be among those welcoming you to the club no one wants to join.

I’m a little over 3 years out from Dday and 4 months from divorce. It does get better. As time goes on, you start to process more about the mindfuckery and hurt. It does hurt like a mofo to realize that your spouse, the person you loved and were loyal to, tossed you over for someone so dishonest that they’re willing to be co-conspirators with your Cheater. It feels like a betrayal because it IS a betrayal.

Then you realize that you were loyal and true. Your cheater is not. Your loyalty and love deserve someone who values those qualities. Your cheater merely manipulates them.

Cheating is about a lot of things, but at its core it is about kibble and cake. Want to know why all Cheaters sound alike? It’s because they ARE alike! Each one wants kibble and cake. If your husband truly thought that OW was The One, he would have honorably divorced you, given you a favorable settlement so that you could raise his son in comfort, This would have hurt, but it would have been honest.

He didn’t do that. Why not? Because he liked being married to you. Being married meant that he had lots of kibble. He had meals with the family, sex when he wanted it, a son, a wife who takes care of him. What a great life! Kibble! Loads of kibble! The affair gave him cake. It’s all fantasy, even the sex part (and yes, he had sex–at least when they were in the same country together, and probably you wouldn’t want to see the sexts they sent each other).

CL is right. Don’t stand in the way of this Great Love. Find a lawyer, line up your ducks, and file for divorce. Oh, and contact the OW’s husband to let him know what’s going on. I do not know what country you’re living in now, but file under the country that has the most favorable outcomes for your situation.

You deserve to live your life with someone who truly loves and respects you. Your POS husband does not.

Oh, and by the way, be ready for him to fall on his knees to beg forgiveness after you file. These crocodile tears are because he’s just realized that a divorce will cost him big time.

Remember, you are MIGHTY!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
8 years ago

Hi there Kate, I have an extreme amount of empathy for you, my deepest sorrow that you have to go through this cruel process.

You mention you are having a hard time to accept that he “was given an opportunity to build a relationship with her and he took it.” Yes he did! Set aside the fundamental reasons why he chose to cheat like his shit character, lack of commitment /loyalty/integrity, etc. Also set aside for a moment his narcissism, cluster B, etc. Let’s look at this from a spiritual viewpoint – God presented him in one hand the blessing of having a family, child, and wife – in the other hand he presented a whore. You husband has chosen the whore. Because of his choice – you should see him for what he is -a truly selfish and cruel person. He is incapable of loving you the way you should be loved. He failed the test!

His “legitimate love” that you mention is only an emotional love. It’s shallow and will wear with time. Since he is incapable of building a deeper more long lasting love similar to the love you have for him, he goes and chases “in-love”, “puppy love” etc. From his actions he is a cruel person that has no idea what nobility is.

“How do I heal from the idea that I’m just not “the one” for the person who was “my one”? You will heal in time but you will have to accept that HE is not “the one” for you.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago

Historically, this cheater affair love bullshit derails pretty quickly when they have to have a Real relationship. But, let’s say it doesn’t. Guess what? This guy is a lying, cheating prick. As is she. They don’t matter. Just be glad he’s gone.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago

Let the whore have him… believe me, neither of them are particularly special. And 9 out of 10 times, these TWU WUV situations blow up in their stupid faces. But you won’t care when that happens. Meh.

Waffles
Waffles
8 years ago

Even when twu wuv soulmate schmoopies stay together, they still have their own layer of self imposed hell to deal with. Knowing the sort of person they’re dealing with must be tough.

They don’t magically morph into better people once they’re w/o us. They’re just as shitty w/APa as they were w/us. The only thimg is, they pull their toxicity outof the dating poo, briefly when tthey’re together.

JK
JK
8 years ago

Infidelity is such a bitter pill to swallow. I don’t know if it goes down any easier whether they say it was about sex (which makes you feel inadequate as a sex partner) or because the affair partner was “the one” (which makes you feel you were not good enough for a person who knew the “real you”). It is all so diminishing, especially at first, and you feel so inadequate and rejected to the core as a person – and to make matters worse, you hear that you were partly to blame for what they did to you.

The cheating husband did more than kiss this woman. You never get more than the tip of the iceberg from the cheater. You will realize it as time goes on. You will also come to realize that despite what you want to tell yourself about him, that he was not a good and decent man who just got drawn by fate into a relationship with another woman. He is the same as any other cheater, and you are more valuable than anything he deserves.

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  JK

I second every single word of this, JK. You are very wise. I’m sorry you had to go through the shit that made you so wise.

JK
JK
8 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

Thank you, Fifi. I’m sorry for all of us, and that the wisdom we acquired came at such a high price. Let’s toast to better days – better days we all deserve.

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  JK

Skol!

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

Hear, hear!

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago

To the newbies out there (since this post has run previously).
No such thing as “meant to be.”
It took some time in MC for ex to admit the affairs. Finally he admitted to the first affair (but he was in love with her…). Two weeks later he admitted there was a current woman, but she had nothing to do with our divorce since our marriage was long over. Although he claimed nothing physical, he loved her far more than he had loved the first one (and he admitted to a physical affair).

Pfft. Whatever.

Meg
Meg
8 years ago

He’s a cheater. He’ll always be a cheater. Your past is her future. Turn your back and RUN! CL and CN don’t need a crystal ball to call this game.

Luziana
Luziana
8 years ago

All I heard after D-Day was how Jake From State Farm was Sparkly Sunshine in and Perfect in Every Way, was no, not smarter or pretter or more successful than me but superior to me morally and chock full of cheerful goodness!!

Now riddle me this- how is a desperate, lawsuit ridden Cunt Canyon who would send a known to be married man 5000 texts in a month, drawing his attention away from his family at baseball games, movies and Disney World superior to a bubonic boil, let alone the woman who’s at home washing your skiddy britches and making you 5 star Michelin Meals, while out earning you by 150% and paying 80% of the household costs?

And that woman, who is tired of years of cleaning up after your ungrateful child and washing said skiddy britches and must beg for a millisecond of affection or attention- how is she remotely going to be Polly Miss Sunshine? She’s going to be HURT, RESENTFUL, NEGLECTED and PISSED. But she isn’t going to cheat She’s going to keep pleading to know what the fuck is going on and be gaslighted and accused of hot paranoid nonsense.

Never mind, OP. Leave these two Speshul Lurves to their own devices and without the teenage glitter magic of Fleeting Lunch Pumps and Sacred Snooky Kisses, it gets old quick. The OW didn’t even last to the quickie divorce. But of course there was the gift that keeps giving- a Love Bun of Reckless Passion if you will.

I guess the wasn’t the ONE after all. Because to the cheater, the One is the One Over There.

chjrn
chjrn
8 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I am dying with laughter! You pretty much described my former life with my ex in a hilarious way! Thanks!

Fifi
Fifi
8 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

OMG I love that, Luziana of the razor wit! The One is The One Over There. Priceless.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Ah many giggles on this one. lol

Anne
Anne
8 years ago

This made me shake my head in wonder because I experienced the same things, but had many more years of marriage to remember what I thought was the truth and realize they were lies. I was also told it was only an emotional affair. What helps me is the massive amount of stupidity he is showing. The OW is “the one,” yet while I was doing the pick me dance, she was getting my stbex to fight with another one of her married lovers over her. They all worked together and apparently my stbex was the “winner” and they are now together. It didn’t take me long to know I am so lucky to be rid of him. Our children are over 21, hers are under 15; I have a steady salaried position that earns more than him, she makes minimum wage; I was faithful for 28 years, she enjoyed two married men with children competing for her attention; I am honest, true, and competent, she is just pathetic He bought a new red truck with a lift, wears clothes my 21 year old said were just sad on an old man, and they both left their old jobs to work at a new company and he’s now being sued by his old company. I just paid off my car, youtube “How to….” when I need to fix something, and I have since dry-walled, trimmed in a door & hallway & stairwell, fixed my dishwasher, and changed the headlights in my car. I can do anything, and am mighty. He is pathetic. I don’t care if they enjoy their life or not, I just want my divorce to be final before his fog clears and I get everything, since he stupidly signed a document giving me everything (literally). My personal theme song is by the Beatles, “Here Come the Sun” and I sing it loud & clear.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Anne

Sing it loud; sing it proud.

Chris
Chris
8 years ago

Wow! This is like my life story! My hubby has had numerous emotional affairs but denied them all. He came to me in 2005, after 3 kids and 25 years of marriage, and said that he was having yet another emotional affair and leaving me. I had been 100% loyal and did everything he wanted. Came out of the blue. He blamed me for everything. Said that I was only after his money (I never even asked for new underwear over the years). He stated that he was going overseas with her and not to expect a cent from him as he would rather work in a refugee camp as a volunteer than give me any child support or help.

I was in shock as I’d always been the trusting wife and he hadn’t allowed me to work so I had no money of my own or way to survive with our kids. He had totally isolated me.

To cut a long story short, it didn’t work out with his new girlfriend and he came crawling back telling me to think about the good times and that we are made for each other. I believed him and sort of forgave him (as it was all my fault for some reason).

After a couple of years, he lost his job as he was having an inappropriate relationship with someone under him at work. Again, it was totally innocent and he just enjoyed talking to her about blow jobs, etc when they went out for coffee. We lost our home and had to leave the country as he had taken me overseas by then, isolating me even more. No remorse yet again. I had to feel sorry for him as his reputation had been tarnished publicly.

After a few more years of putting up with the “Poor Narc” stories, he just happened to bump into the ex girlfriend and go out for coffee with her. He became really nasty again, ending up in him semi-raping me (I was in so much physical pain and sobbing that I didn’t say ‘no’ so I don’t think that it’s considered full-on rape).

I still put up with him as I can’t give the kids a proper home without his money (now it is down to that and I’ve told him). I have a small amount of work but, with this recession, can’t get anything that will pay the bills on a regular basis. He works in another city but comes back every couple of weeks. I try to keep my boundaries up, after years of counselling, but it’s really hard when you get the sob story or he gets frightening. I wish that he’d just do the right thing and pay me out and give child support.

I’m still stupid and believe a lot of what he tells me but, when I read stories like yours, it makes me realise how naive I’m still being, it’s not my fault and that I’m not alone!

IUsedToUseMyHands
IUsedToUseMyHands
8 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Chris what you describe is rape because you didn’t consent and it seems that would be pretty obvious given that you were crying. You don’t have to say no or physically resist sex; if you don’t actually consent it’s rape. Your relationship is very abusive and you need to get some real life support as soon as you can, perhaps a domestic violence helpline or your health visitor. And definitely find out where you would stand legally were you to divorce. So sorry this is happening but only you can stop it x

Chris
Chris
8 years ago

When I tell him he’s abusing me, he either laughs and treats me as if I don’t know what I’m talking about or gets angry with me. He says that he doesn’t like labels and that I shouldn’t say to him that his behavior is narcissistic. He believes that psychiatrists (who told me), psychologist and counselors only do the job because they’re not clever enough to do anything else so he has zero respect for anything that they say. Until I put all this in writing, I didn’t realize how nasty he is.

I’ve started looking for an exit strategy for when he returns to live here full-time now. First time I’ve ever seriously done that even though I’ve been told by multiple times by counselors to leave. Thank for opening my eyes more! I needed that! Just hope I can keep up the strength!

IUsedToUseMyHands
IUsedToUseMyHands
8 years ago
Reply to  Chris

I’ll quote a little bit from Lundy Bancroft’s book The Batterer as Parent 2, because your post made me think of it, Chris:

“We have observed that the higher a batterer’s level of entitlement, the greater his apparent perceptual tendency to reverse abuse and self-defense. The typical batterer defines his abusive behaviours as efforts to protect his own rights and defines his partner’s attempts to protect herself as abuse of him (Jacobson & Gottman, 1998). For example, he tends to interpret occasions when his partner refuses to have sex with him as her efforts to control or manipulate him (Mahoney & Williams, 1998). Batterers therefore often claim to be the victim of the woman’s abuse or violence (Pence & Paymar, 1993). Entitlement can lead a batterer to have double standards, such as the belief that he can have outside sexual relationships but that it is not acceptable for his partner to do so.”

Your relationship sounds very much like mine with my ex husband, Chris. I was worried about how I would cope financially also, but I did cope – and even having to claim benefits, I was more financially secure and in control with more peace of mind knowing exactly what money I had and that only I got to decide how to spend it. Staying with my ex into old age would have been disastrous – as he screwed me financially all our married lives and again in the divorce, when in fact I discovered the house of cards we were sitting on financially anyway. I put up with sexual abuse and verbal abuse too – and it’s soul destroying it took me a long time to recover; not just my mental health but my physical health too was in a mess from the abuse. I’m in a new relationship now, which couldn’t be more different and I’m so happy – but I was happy on my own as well, free of ex. I won’t go as far as to tell you to leave, but I really recommend it. Please look after yourself xxx

kb
kb
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I echo this.

Go talk to the lawyers. Talking doesn’t mean that you’re filing. Retain an attorney experienced in high conflict divorces. Retaining a lawyer doesn’t mean you’re filing, either. You file when you’re ready to file, but learning what options are out there will help you plan your exit.

Find out your rights under the laws of your state. If you’ve been working part-time, or if you’ve stayed full-time with the children, you may be entitled to temporary spousal support while you retrain to reenter the workforce.

My late mother-in-law stayed married to her cheater for 20 years, all the while he was living and sleeping with OW. The OW was never mentioned. The sons were told to respect and obey their father. I wondered why she’d stay married, and while I’ll never know for sure, I do know that a lot of the older women said they’d do the same thing: stick it out until the cheater died.

Well, unfortunately, she died 5 years before he did. She was a timid woman in a lot of ways, and I think being married to a man who definitely was Cluster B for so many years made her second guess her own shadow.

Chris, you do not want to end up like my late MiL.

Get a lawyer, line up your ducks, and file. You will model self-respect to your children. If you need to suck it up for a bit while you get some training to be self-sufficient, then that’s okay, but the point is that you will be a happier you once you lose your Cheater, and if you plan it out, you’ll be that much closer to gaining a life.

BetrayedNoMore
BetrayedNoMore
8 years ago

ChumpLady is exactly spot-on – as always… It’s NOT their words, but it is their ACTIONS. I clicked over to the reddit adultery pages to spy on the enemy. There are several threads where they provide tips and techniques for chumping their stupid ignorant-assed chumps. What got to me was how proud the piece-of-shit asshat cheaters are of themselves for cheating.

For example, one tells her chump husband she is going to the salon to get her hair colored and then has peel-the-paint-off-the-walls animal sex with her “twu-luv.” When she returns home a couple of hours later, she asks her chump husband how he likes her new hair style. When he doesn’t notice anything different, she spends an hour berating him. She finishes her rants by extracting an apology from her chump for being so obtuse and not complimenting her new hair style. She then adds “LOL!!

Another piece-of-shit asswipe husband sets up his fuck-fests by introducing and talking about “business trips” and “training conferences” with his unsuspecting chump wife months in advance. He always “flyies out” on a Sunday and “returns” Fridays so he can spend weekend quality-time with his kids; he hates the routine “weekday bullshit.” He then adds “LOL!!

They squirrel-away cash whenever they buy things; they add the cash to secret debit-cards and then use the debit-card on hotel reservations. They trade tips on which hotels are best for their nooners. They create plausible alibis for being out; they join gyms, have drinks out with “the guys/girls,” they go shopping, get their nails done, get the car washed, and sign-up for photography classes. They find “interest” in activities they know their dumb-assed spouses won’t enjoy and won’t want to share; anything to get out of the house for a few hours. They also call it “image management.” They add “LOL!!

The cheaters trade techniques for when they’re caught: a) Minimize their own cheating “it was JUST a kiss!” b) Elevate their own misery “I’m SO unhappy!” c) Blame the chump for being a chump “you don’t consider MY happiness!” d) Jump back onto the reddit adultery club and receive high-fives for being SO smart “I have the right to my OWN happiness!” And then they remember to add “LOL!!

They use our love and trust against us. It is pure insidious evil. LO…

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
8 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

BetrayedNoMore- I have been on that site and it is utter vile. However it does give one a glimpse inside the narcs twisted minds.

Even if some cheaters aren’t verbalizing their deception on a site, they are visualizing the deception it in their own head. Scary shit if you ask me!

It’s become so sociably acceptable to condone this cheater behavior and just minimize the devastation that it causes the spouse, kids and family under the context -“I have the right to my OWN happiness!”. These cheaters are cowards and they just plain suck!

BetrayedNoMore
BetrayedNoMore
8 years ago

I would counter that the cheating piece-of-shits are not cowards at all. It takes chutzpah to intentionally lie to, malign, and betray. They use, abuse, and then discard chumps intentionally – because chumps!

Roaring
Roaring
8 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

Yes yes yes.

Kar marie
Kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

Yes indeed. The coward part is not being honest and up front like a real good human being should be. I was told i didnt want to hurt you! So no hurt me every day for two years instead thats much better! He is a cowardly, emotionanless, extremely stoic, pussy ass little whiny bitch! Pod creature.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
8 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

You are so correct, “chutzpah” is very fitting. They are cowards though for not coming clean to us. Cake is just do damn delicious!

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

Some people do get boners treating others like shit. I don’t understand it either. You’d think if you want to fuck other people so bad, just end the marriage. But no, that’s too easy. Instead I’ll turn someone else inside out or smash them in the head with a shovel. Assholes . . . LOL!

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

And smashing them in the head with a shovel would be more honest

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Power is boner-inducing to the disordered (male or female).

JC
JC
8 years ago

With my cheater, I was her “soul mate.” I was “the one,” etc. She love-bombed me, and I believed every word of it, so much so that I believed that she was MY soul mate…MY “one.”

And then, eight years later, I wasn’t any of those things to her. Her AP was.

This is what cheaters do, and what they believe. Each person is their one-and-only soul mate that they’ve been waiting for…until he’s not.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
8 years ago

“I didn’t think I could feel this way again,” he said.

Considering I’m his second failed marriage and his third failed relationship that produced children, I had to laugh out loud at his words. He obviously has an immense capability to “feel that way again.”

Upside for him… he’ll have a lifetime of OW to “make him feel this way again.” (In fact, he’s already got personal ads posted to meet the next victim while playing the role of loyal boyfriend suffering through a drawn-out divorce with a crazy woman.) Yup, the OW is the big winner with this guy.

Me and my son… we’ll have freedom from his lies and his distorted version of love.

Rock on Chump Nation!

Zmichelle
Zmichelle
8 years ago

I had to read and re-read this post. It rings so true…
ExH: Haven’t you ever met someone you knew was just “right” for you? Can’t you understand that?
Me: Yes, I have. That’s why I married you.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago

I don’t know what would be worse. Mine won’t say that. You can’t claim the slunt is a soulmate when you pay for it. And pay for tons of random it. But it just means they care even less to bother lying? Or they think you’re their soulmate but not their bedmate? Fuckers. They’re just awful.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
8 years ago

Yup they are awful fuckers!

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago

You know your are ready for Chump Lady grad school when you are reading the Chump letter and saying, “NO! NO! Don’t believe him!!” And “Oh, my God, he’s convinced her it’s twu wuv.” And “Why are you believing him when he LIES???” Another great classic that I missed when I binge-read the site after D-Day.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago

StillStanding, Lots of cheaters like to compartmentalize their lives. Mine loved, loved loved to have two places to live. I didn’t get that at first. Thought we were buying a vacation home, but he managed to live there 1/3 of the time, “to write.” With other women around. Once I was onto that, I started looking, He’d done the same thing to his longtime girlfriend before me. One place near the university and another place back home. The GF would come up for the weekend and bring him new curtains she’d made. As soon as she’d left, he’d be calling other women to come and see how he’d redecorated his place. These aren’t normal men.

nomar
nomar
8 years ago

StillStanding, your husband (STBX I hope) is a run-of-the-mill cheater with all the standard behaviors:

Compartmentalized thinking? Check.
Word salad explanations (“intimacy without guilt”–WTF?)? Check.
Excuses to spend lots of time apart? Check.
Quasi-religious rationalizations? Check.
Re-writing of family history? Check.
Dishonesty? Check.
Cake eating? Check.
Trading down? Check.

That is a toxic stew of disorder that can’t be made palatable any more than you can remove the burn from a $4 bottle of whiskey. If you have haven’t already, hope you GTFO *pronto*.

Wishing you strength for the journey.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Excellent summary, as usual, Nomar. All the boxes are checked for my disordered ex. I’m sure most of us could have benefitted from this checklist earlier in our Chump lives.

May
May
8 years ago

“I like to fuck you, and fuck with your head, but I prefer to do it from the comfort of my marriage.” – love this!!! A Powers

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
8 years ago

It can be GREAT to be Not The One for the cheating spouse you thought was The One (for you). After I met the affair partner considered The One by my abusive, cheating husband, I felt relieved that I was Not The One to my husband. My husband’s The One (most recent extramarital sexual partner) was a drunk-driving habitual home wrecker. Like most chumps here, while you courted and when you married your husband, you probably saw sprinkle-covered turd. When your cheating spouse’s core self came to light, you saw past the sprinkles or the sprinkles fell off. In many ways, I am sorry that my STBX’s relationship that prompted our divorce did not last. Such a marriage might have taken two very harmful disordered people out of dating circulation (at least for a little while). Although financially my kids and I are in worse shape now, I am glad that my STBX filed for divorce. I don’t like to sleep next to turd. Now I can sleep next to a friend of several decades who is a wonderful partner and a good example to my kids. And if he ever leaves, then I will be happier as a single person (even though I used to hate being single) than I could be married to my abusive STBX.

DeeL
DeeL
8 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RSW, “Such a marriage might have taken two very harmful disordered people out of dating circulation (at least for a little while).” I too had hoped that the ex and his schmoopie would stay together and not go out to mess up some unsuspecting people with their sparkly turdness! But alas, twu luv, only lasted 6 months, what a shame!!!