Dear Chump Lady, My husband doesn’t want to unfriend the OW
Dear ChumpLady,
I just got my husband back after a year long affair he had. And now he doesn’t want to delete the OW from his Facebook and his phone. He doesn’t necessarily want to keep in touch, but he wants to know that she’s doing okay and check on her every now and then.
I find that disrespectful towards me, but he says she was the love of his life, and he still cares about her. She dumped him because he doesn’t want to divorce me, but they are apparently still friends. He returned to his family because he wants to do the “right” thing, and because we have four kids, and because his Christian values are important to him (not because he doesn’t love her).
But I don’t want her in his life! Or should I allow this Facebook friendship (she lives in another state so that’s cool with me) so he doesn’t miss/long for her too much?
The Wife
Dear Wife,
Sometimes I wonder if my mail is a joke. But then I read the advice of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex (RIC) and this “let them grieve the affair partner” malarky is a real thing.
There is only one person here who needs un-friending, and that’s your husband.
Why are you in a “marriage” with someone who a) considers another woman the “love of his life,” b) continues to stay in contact with his mistress, and c) thinks his cowardice makes him a Christian? He was fine cheating on you, but then he got dumped for being a cake eater. Now he finds Jesus?
And why is your entire letter about What He Wants? He wants to know how she is. He still cares about her. She was the love of HIS life. His “values.” He wants to do the right thing (after he got dumped — awesome timing)…
What about YOU? What are your values? What do you want?
You want him to go no contact with the OW. I get that. But Wife, you need to deal with the reality you’ve got — he refuses. So what are YOU going to do about that?
That’s the only person you control here — YOU. Either this relationship is acceptable to you or it’s not. You’re either okay with being Plan B to the twatwaffle or you’re not.
Should you “allow” this Facebook friendship?
You’re not his parent. And as I’m sure he likes to point out, you’re not the boss of him. You don’t “allow” him anything. You need to wake up and look at his CHOICES. He wants to be in touch with her and stay married to you.
He wants CAKE.
Are you going to “allow” yourself to be treated that way? Or are you going to enforce your boundaries and see a lawyer?
You can’t “manage” his affair for him. Oh, I’ll loosen up the leash and then he’ll be a good doggy and not abandon us. Your behavior doesn’t MAKE him do ANYTHING. Be grateful for you. Appreciate you. Stay with you. Find Jesus. Reject Jesus. Fuck the OW. Chase the OW. Friend the OW. Friend new OWs.
There is just who he IS. And what you will tolerate.
I suggest you un-husband him.
“He wants to be in touch with her and stay married to you.”
Wife,
He is still cheating on you emotionally. He needs to decide between you and this other woman. Keeping both cannot be an option. Either end the affair completely by cutting off contact (including unfriending on FB) or expect a divorce. It sounds like he has already decided against ending it; so, it is up to you if you want to give him another chance before filing.
God did not design us to tolerate ongoing, unrepentant infidelity. He divorced Israel over such brazen adulterous behavior (see Jer. 3:8). A third party to a marriage is not godly…even if it is only “emotionally” (and she is DEFINITELY still emotionally there if he is still calling her the love of his life with no shame!).
-DM
Yep. I agree with this pastor.
Husband even tells Wife that the OW was the “love of his life”!!! My mouth dropped open. Talk about a blatant eff you. Run, girl.
He admitted she’s the “love of his life.” Why stay with someone who is so blatantly disrespectful?
Disrespectful and full of contempt for his wife. Once the contempt sets in, it’s all over. You have to move on because there is nothing left to save.
Hey DM. Hey Wife,
The cheater wants it both ways, for the status quo to be maintained, and for you to continue to hold out hope. It makes the, central, gives them that little kick they cannot get any other way except by exploitation of your goodwill, even if (especially if, in my case) it is against your consent.
Here is how it played out with Mr Fab: I caught him. He said he wanted to reconcile. I said sure, but condition 1, you tell me exactly what happened and 2. No contact with Schmoopie. So a hellish few weeks go by, I finally ask the right question: “Did you contact xxxx?” “No.” “Did she contact you?” “Yes.” “Did you reply?” “Yes.” “What did she ask you?” “Can we talk?” “What was your answer.” “Not yet.”
Do you see? If she is at any way, shape, or form in the picture, you can bet this is what your life will be like. I never got a straight answer, except when I asked the right question. In NarcLogic, he was abiding by the ‘rules’ we had agreed by not contacting her….and bear in mind, that “right” question is a secret known only to the cheater, and subject to change at whim.
Years later, Mr Fab is shacked up with the Downgrade, I live with our kiddo on another continent. He bled me dry, lied about the duration of his afair….kiddo in therapy I can scarce afford (and he coughs up half the fees, under duress).
Long and short, Wife, cutting off a cheater (bearing in mind they still occupy the space of “husband/father of my kids/life partner” in your heart) is like cutting off a limb. The only way to survive is to hack it off: Lawyer up and get the unhusbanding under way, do it once, and do it for ever. It is the only future you have got.
x-Meh.
Yeah, I tend to agree with you that the room for manipulation is far too great especially dealing with someone who has made cheating a lifestyle.
Only repentant sinners get saved, or deserve it, where the Chump has to judge. I don’t think that word is in many cheaters’ vocabularies, alas. If one has been brought up in a life of sacrifice/service, it is hard to not try to be compassionate, but comes a point where the dog returneth to his own vomit once too often….
Big hugs, DM. And all Chump Nation.
x-Meh
yes I know that verse as well… 🙂
DW, my heart goes out to you. Please remember – cheaters are great at managing down the victim’s expectations — slowly but surely. This is how they get away with their cheating behavior and “clues” they left behind. If you accept your husband’s behavior — openly admitting he still loves OW, openly admitting current Facebook contact, then I’m afraid he’s now successful in managing your expectations DOWN even further, TO ANOTHER LEVEL. This just SETS YOU UP for more devastating abuse in the future. Yes – this is emotional abuse! Please get out, get support. Best to leave NOW, rather than wait for further abuse to ensue (the BEST predictor of husband’s future behavior is past behavior) and have a bigger hole (emotionally an financially) you’ll have to recover from. Cut you losses now. The blessing in this is that he is being HONEST in his intention to continue relationship with other woman and his love for her. LET HIS HONESTY SET YOU FREE. God Bless, and know you are mighty!
So Divorce Minister, just a question for you. Serial cheater swinger husband says he’s done with the lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose wife after she filed. He is unbeliever and wants to stay in marriage. It says in the Bible that if the unbeliever wants to stay, then stay. Although years of infidelity give wife clear conscience to leave. What would your advice be? Just curious.
The abandonment of an unbelieving spouse (I Cor. 7:15) really isn’t the issue here as I see it. Her husband was committing adultery (more than once) by engaging in the swinging lifestyle. She is completely free to divorce him without shame as a Christian as Christ says sexual immorality–e.g. adultery–makes that permissible (e.g. Mt 19:9).
That said, I would encourage her to search her heart to discover what SHE needs for peace in the matter. It needs to be HER choice as she has to live with its consequences. Does she feel at peace ending it now or does she need to give him another chance to prove his cheating ways are over?
Personally, I would lean towards following through with the divorce. He has already chosen mulitple times–by engaging in a lifestyle of swinging–that fidelity is not really his own personal value. This response is seems more prompted by him realizing he might loose her over this lifestyle than him recognizing it is incompatible with his own values. Plus, lifestyle change is about character change. That doesn’t usually happen overnight (if it does at all). He’s a bad bet….besides if he really has changed, there is nothing preventing him for continuing on in that change after the divorce demonstrating REAL change (People DO remarry after all).
Thank you.
Christians, please check out “Cry for Justice”. It’s another amazing web, from christian perspective.
It has helped me understand than when an abuser abuses and cheater cheats, they have broken the marriage covenant. They repeatedly reveal their true nature in their entitlement, arrogance and brazen disregard for you, not only as their spouse, but supposedly sister/brother in Christ. You are not required to stay in the broken covenant. They have effectively ‘left’ and in God’s eyes you are not married. God never stayed in broken covenants. Check the Exodus from Egypt situation plus God’s own divorce is also described in the Bible. Sure, ‘Under the Sun.’ you are still legally married, human law is slow and not necessarily just. But God looks always at the heart. He is not religious neither legalistic. He is Love and Justice. And He calls evil what it is. Evil. And don’t worry, they can run, but they cannot hide. Not from the Living God. Fools. Uff…long way to meh, hihi!
I just found a Facebook page that deals with this topic (Christians and divorce) called http://www.facebook.com/divinelydivorceddiva
I know you asked DM, who has excellent advice. But if it’s ok, I’d like to chime in on that passage you are referring to:
1 Corinthians 7:13, 15 (NIV)
And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him….But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
I think the word “leaves” in this passage, (i.e. the act of “leaving” a faithful spouse) is the key to understanding this. Once the errant spouse “leaves” in some way, such as emotionally and sexually, even if they never physically leave the home, then I believe the faithful spouse is not bound any longer to remain married. God wants us to live in peace! If peace of heart is not possible after a spouse has committed adultery, even if they want to come back (i.e. “willing to live with”), I don’t think the faithful spouse is bound by scripture to take them back. On the contrary, I think the passage gives explicit permission to “let it be so”, i.e. divorce.
Sorry I cant stand Bible bs when it comes to someone sticking your face in shit….and that’s an understatement……..emotional mental abuse is the worst form of abuse….get rid of these losers stop quoting Bible crap……….save yourself …unless we think like Shirley Maclaine…that we’ll be reincarnated another delusional…..this is one performance….live it as well as you can………do what’s right for you to save yourself who gives a shit what bibles say ohhhh stop already …………forgiveness ….some people don’t deserve any forgiveness just a swift kick in the ass out of your life…………..good riddance
Thank you.
Omg get out!!! I let mine stay after a 1 year affair the abuse started in earnest then–huge financial and emotional abuse. GET OUT!
Get out. He will use you to look like a Christian family man. The truth will be that he will humiliate you, use you financially, verbally abuse you and so on. No, sweet wife, the Christian thing for him to do is to repent. You are free to go. He is still living in an adulterous relationship.
^^^THIS!^^^ It is spot on. Just.Get. OUT.
DM I believe he already made his decision. Giving him an ultimatum? To what end? He lost the love of his life?
He didn’t end the relationship. Wife lost the pick me dance when he walked out on his wife and four children for a year. He has no real remorse when we look at his actions. He’s a creep.
I am a big advocate of doing what we need to do to have peace in our hearts–to the best of our ability–when making this tough choices. Some might need to give the ultimatum…some might not.
DM
“He needs to decide between you and the other woman.”
Isn’t this giving him control? I believe she needs to decide whether or not she will continue to tolerate his abuse, lack of shame, remorse and blatant entitlement. It is a process DM however he is calling this woman the love of his life. She needs to know she has the power.
Some of us need the closure of giving the cheater the option to TRULY engage in rebuilding what he/she destroyed before pulling the divorce trigger. I know I did. And I am glad I did it.
The reality is that the husband DOES have power in the scenario where she has any interest in staying married as it takes both buying into the marriage for it to be resurrected.
If she is at the place where she is truly done, then by all means do NOT put the choice before him. I suspect from the letter that is not where she is at…so, I offer an alternative designed to expose the husband one way or another.
DM
I guess I am a little trigger happy these days. I’m so tired of the entitled assholes. Thanks DM
What DM said makes sense. At least it did for me. I had to give my now ex-husband a chance to try to make our marriage work. I gave him lots of suggestions on how he could try to make things right between us and he did them. Unfortunately, he did everything I asked but with a half hearted effort or so effortlessly like he was knocking out a “to do” list. He just didn’t get it, or better yet, just didn’t care enough about me or our children’s intact family to be the man I thought he was. It was the perfect wake-up call for me to divorce his stupid ass! Now he, the OW and her five heathens are living shacked up in my old home, happily ever after not even two months after our divorce! Goes to show how much he really loved me. Good riddance! I hope WIFE gets her wakeup call soon.
“He is still cheating on you emotionally.”
DM, That is the statement I made to my ex when he couldn’t stop contacting his “friends” once I discovered what was going on and it was also the very reason I could no longer stay married to him. It was mental torture for me, he knew it and didn’t care. That is not a healthy marriage.
Same here. When he wanted to come back I asked for two things that were non-negotiable. 1. HE get therapy and 2. The other woman is out of his life including having her fired from her job… gone… NOT in OUR lives. He refused both. I am happily divorced. There was no way that I was going to spend the next few months or years doing the pick me dance and wondering if he was still seeing her. I WAS WORTH MORE THAN THAT. I was worth someone WANTING to be WITH ME. Yes we have children. Yes is I ate a lot of shit sandwiches and continue to do so but I have ME now (and a man in my life who is a better father than he ever was.)
Why would you settle for a man who doesn’t love you. Who is only there because SHE dumped him. He is a COWARD! He doesnt even have the decency to divorce you. He doesn’t have the decency to let you try to find happiness with someone who genuinly cares about you. There is no respect for YOU! Its all about Him AND HIS MISTRESS’ EMOTIONAL WELL BEING. selfish selfish selfish. Where is the concern with what he put YOU through?
You have 2 options…. Stay with a man that doesn’t love you and most likely will leave or have another affair because thats who he is or move on and go through the divorce crap and discover a much better life. It will be the most difficult thing you will ever do. I swear it sucks. But you got to get your shit and self respect together. The marriage is already over! Now do the best thing for yourself and set up a consolation with a few attorneys and start making copies of all the paperwork and stash in secret place.
Warning though…. when you decide or if you decide to divorce expect A LOT of push back from him and friends and the church. Trust that he sucks. Also a lot of your “friends” will suck too.
Perfect timing for your post. I filed for divorce last week. My ex freaked out when i informed him. Yes out of respect I had told him he would be served papers. Yes respect. My reaction has nothing to do with his actions no matter how awful they were.
Of course he asked to not be served and he will agree to file as joint now. Big ego. I agreed to file jointly next week. It is what i wanted but he had refused to sign. But now i can get closure and see him sign divorce papers in front of me just like he signed our marriage papers.
Brief overview. Together 25 years total. He has a bad spending addiction that put us into financial turmoil. He cheated once after 16 years of marriage. Then had an emotional affair. But his soul mate dumped him.
I truly love my idiot ex. He is a kid that never grew up. I prayed and tried for 2 years after he left us. He never repented though.
When he found out I filed he wanted to talk. How dare i divorce him he said!! He asked what would it take to come back…
My list: No more spending without my ok. If i disagree with mortgaging a new toy you don’t get it. No more woman friends. No playing counselor for them – Create boundaries with other women.
Well I didn’t even finish. He said NO. ” If I can’t spend and buy new stuff I might as well die. I am friendly and I can’t stop taking to woman. It is who I am.” He said why can’t you accept me I’m not trying to change you! Lol i was Ms. Chump of course why would you want to change me lol.
Needless to say he is good with the decision to divorce now. He even said to my face. Fine if we’re divorcing I’m letting you know that I will be pursuing a girl that i had my eye on even though you were my my first choice. How sweet of him. Prefer to not be a choice for my husband. I’m not a happy meal!
Keep me in your thoughts. Going to court to finalize papers next week. Legal papers and support are already done. This is it. Pray to stay strong and not react to his actions for our kids sake.
You do your thing! I know this is tough but I read this and laughed. He sounds like a right jerk. Mine is a man child too and I loved him till the end. I loved him good and bad. It is like you are his mother and what you really need is a man.
ToBe – best of luck to you next week. I hope it all goes well, and you can grieve and move on from that man.
All of your comments are 100% accurate. To the last sentence. Thank you.
No, he WILL have another affair. I’ll bet money that The Wife was once “the love of his life”, and now the OW is. He will now get bored with the fruitless chase of OW (and she’ll probably go NC on him) and find a new love of his life. Trust me. His eyes are always open to new victims.
I so agree with JBaby–he WILL cheat again and he won’t unfriend the OW–TRUST ME!! I was almost in the same spot–did the “pick me dance” and he decided to end the 18 month affair and come back to me because we were together for 14 years. Well…….I also gave him the same ultimatum…unfriend, change cell phone number, block emails etc and attend couples therapy. He attend therapy with me and played the game, promised he would do the rest—but never did. He unfriended her in FB so he could show me, BUT he kept emails open at work where I could not check. I was a horrible living with the uncertainty–and then, and I can say this now, he did me a huge favor. He dumped me and went running back to the OW (the love of his life) while I was at work. Left me a letter on the kitchen table so he wouldn’t have to face up to his continued lying and cheating he was still doing behind my back.
GET OUT–it will be painful, but believe me, there is life after living with a cheater. He will NOT give her up no matter what he tells you–he can’t. Narcissist cheaters love the attention. Mine told me–“it wasn’t just the sex, it became a game to him living two lives and it was fun!” That hurt the most! A Game–after 14 years?
Love yourself again….get away from the cheater…you and your kids will all be better for it!
Yes. The only “if” is IF this wife finds out about his continued, or next, affair. And that “if” is more likely a “when”.
The true Christian thing for this cheater to do is to leave this woman to find a real husband. It’s breaking Christian marriage vows to commit adultery. This cheater is only out to save his reputation and avoid being alone because the ow dumped him.
The cheater and the ow deserve each other, both liars and selfish people. This wife deserves a divorce and a fresh start!
(*IF she wants another husband, that is! Life without any man is actually pretty great after dealing with such BS from my x! Lol..)
I got a similar explanation of why my ex couldn’t go NC with other women — it made him feel attractive when they flirted with him. Well, in reality it was much more than simple flirting. It was down and dirty talk about what they wanted to do to each other sexually… He lied when he said he would stop communications. Instead he upped his stealth mode. He misjudged my intelligence and I did find the secret email accounts and his numerous cell phone calls/texts still showed up in the bill records. He was the dumb ass….
What he told you- It was fun – Truer words were never spoken! At least he came right out and said it!
They sure love the game, and the attention, hey everyone, Look at ME!!! I think they’re all 5, (no offense to the real 5 yr olds).
Asswipe did the same thing. Back to me but friends with her, he still wanted her, loved her but came back to me. Told him no contact with her, he said ok. He didnt stop, she didnt stop and she ramped up her pick me dance and forced his hand. I filed and now hes unfriended. He chased away every friend i ever had re jealous but im supposed to be ok with him being friends with the Whore he left me for! Good friends. Fuck that and him and her! Fucking cake eating bastards and bitches! Listen to traci wife unfriend him!
Here! Here!!!
Dear “The Wife.” You are trying to keep your family intact — but the cost to you is too high. You need to ditch your husband. It will be the most difficult thing you have ever done. But you will be happy again. Now you need to put your brain on lockdown mode and be the toughest mother f-er you have ever been in your life. Think about this: would you ever — in a million years — do what your husband did to you? He has humiliated you in the worst possible way and he is not letting up. He NEVER WILL!!! Wow. I never cease to be appalled at the hubris of our cheaters. Be good to yourself ok??
“You are trying to keep your family intact…”
The “family” you are trying to keep intact is you, your husband, the OW, and your children.
This is a great way to put this in perspective!
In other words, there are three people sleeping in your bed and you need to move over.
Very astute, CJ!!
“I just got my husband back …”
You got something back, alright, but it wasn’t the definition of a husband.
Brilliant!!
nicely put
OMG. Tell him to go love her at her house.
Yep, go love her at her house. Awesome!
He moved right in with her, when I divorced him. She can barely stand him now, but lets him live in her basement. OMG, what a effing mess. Glad I’m removed from that triangle!
Yep
Wait a minute. Calls her the love of his life WHILE married to you, *and* he won’t remove her/her info for good? You are not only eating shit sandwiches, your having shit rubbed in you face! Please, PLEASE do not allow this, yes, allow this… Hey, she is in another state, and it’s only via FB, that’s OK… BULLSHIT, drop the hammer on this cake eating sicko! You are being used by a Jesus cheater, and seemingly taking it. I know how emotionally confused it can be and get, but you must not allow him to do this, and IMO and experience un-husband indeed.
Chances are, you will be seeing him actively cheat again, even under better circumstances, and all but assured as it is now. Again, this scumbag has no respect for you, his children, or even his professed religious values. Please find the courage to dump his sorry, hypocritical still cheating ass… My God, from what he is telling you, can you imagine what this liar is holding back, not telling you? Time to call a good divorce lawyer, and get to a much better life.
My XH has toyed with wanting to come back to me a few times since the divorce. I have no intention of taking him back, but just to prove he isn’t serious about repenting and returning to his family, my answer to him has been the same: “You would have to go 100% no-contact with both [Ho-Worker] and [OWhore].”
And at that, he drops the talk of getting back together, because he has no interest in actually putting those women out of his life.
Never make someone a priority who makes you an option, OP.
It’s amazing that as soon as you set boundaries and conditions they crawl back under their narc rocks… My ex blew his chance by continuing to have contact with other women. When I filed for divorce he feebly attempted to change my mind. However, I wanted nothing more to do with him and told him that I was done, game over. At that he turned nasty and vengeful. I spent 23 years as his wife and I could not be any happier at having escaped that BS circus.
Congratulations wife…. Did he give you a pair of sweatpants with “plan b” on the back, or just the overall treatment of being his second best option to actually keeping you both.
Here’s a thought…. Do you want to be in love and married to a partners who’s best they can offer is “well I can’t have both of you so I guess I’ll stay with you because…. Jesus… Not you. Not all we have had together. Because my soul is at stake otherwise” …. Ugh! He knows you’re so in it for life that he doesn’t even have to pretend you matter? You don’t even make his list of reasons to stay married?
Your 4 kids? You’re showing them exactly how you think men and women should act towards each other. Women don’t matter and men get whatever they want no consequence? Gross. You sound like a smarter parent than that.
Before I read any replies, even CL’s, I’ll just say this:
He’s telling you she’s the love of his life (oh my, I’m fucking swooning over here over the beauty of their love), that you, who gave him four kids, are pretty much just an obligation, and he only came back because she dumped his sorry ass and he knew you were a safe bet and YOU’RE OK WITH THIS?
Wife, he’s treating you like a doormat and you’re saying, ‘Let me shift and accommodate you a bit better so you can REALLY wipe your feet.’
Bloody hell, I’m going to be tough: get a lawyer, get your finances in order, and make plans to move on. No one NO ONE deserves this kind of disrespect.
P.S. You didn’t ‘get your husband back’. You got a loser who knew landing on the doorstep of the wife was a hell of a lot easier than trying to build a life on his own. What an absolute tosspot your husband is. You should be saying, ‘I don’t want HIM in MY life’, and forget about her completely. Divorce him, and see how things work out with the Love of His Life when real life smacks ’em upside the head.
RUN.
Nord is so right! Wife, I have been there, your only viable move is to run now.
If you stay while he treats you like a doormat, it will get worse. You are showing him that he can get away with treating you like a doormat. He will do worse. Wife, I did the same thing as well. He wanted his “friend” and “collegue”. He was so depressed and so alone and suicidal, how could I take a “friend” away from him? It did’nt matter anyway, why could’nt I just get over it? I caved in and guess what? When things were over with this “friend” he got other friends. And that’s something I brought on myself by accepting the unacceptable. I’m divorced now and I can’t believe I accepted that shit! What was I thinking?
You should be SO much more important than a Facebook post if their affair was over… He’s choosing to keep an eye on her from afar over you: it’s wrong! You are asking for something very reasonnable and he makes it look like it’s a whim. It’s not. You should’nt have to aks for it, that’s the real problem here.
“if you stay he treats you like a doormat” – exactly, and this is yet another dynamic that the RIC and the Esther Perels just gloss over and fail to address with any substance, except to say that in order to trust them, you must trust them.
If your spouse treats you badly (cheats/betrays/consumes family resources for activities that destroy the family) and you take them back, they know they got away with it and can get away with it again. Given they are the type that cheated in the first place, they are the type that is only more emboldened now, knowing they absolutely can get away with it.
Originally, when they had everything to lose, they cheated anyways because they felt entitled to do so. So now that they know they don’t have to lose anything, why would they not cheat again given the opportunity? The risk is actually lower now because they really didn’t lose anything.
Unfortunately, the only way to let these types know that it isn’t OK, is to divorce them.
So am I saying reconciliation isn’t possible? Not necessarily, but it would take a truly remorseful, empathetic, non-entitled, non-narcissistic person to reconcile. But how many truly considerate, empathetic, self-less, non-entitled, reciprocal, loving, loyal people who cheat in the first place?
And I know from experience, that you can’t get your husband to “see” the errors of his ways nord lists above – because he has clearly demonstrated that he does not or is otherwise incapable of caring about you and truly loving you.
He has disrespected you in an extremely egregious, significant, overt, intentional, damaging, traumatic, destructive manner, and he’s not one bit sorry or concerned about the impact on you. That is your husband in a nutshell. Sorry.
Again, I know this from experience (and I am not projecting – I am just reiterating the facts demonstrated by HIS BEHAVIOR).
Play his game while you lawyer up. When he is served go no contact. Then you will do what you need to do for you and kids. It will be hell on earth for a while. Finding yourself will help u along the way. Stay with us. Read no contact with children. Learn and read about the process. Come for support. When u start giving support u are well on your way through the process. End this nonsense NOW.
Read all these in the link Wife, your husband is breaking them ALL! And God would want you and your children away from him. It’s your duty as a Mother to leave him from what I understand. He is NO Godly Man!!!! He’s the Opposite of one and therefore BAD for your family.
https://www.openbible.info/topics/husbands_and_wives
Dear Wife,
Establish boundaries STAT. Divorce this loser. Move on with your life. You deserve better.
I recently stumbled across the following (see below) on the internet and I think these are words to live by. I do not know who wrote this but I suggest you print this, hang it up where you will see it and read it to yourself every single day.
Sometimes the more chances you give
The more respect you lose.
Your standards begin to be ignored when you
let people get comfortable in knowing that
Another chance will always exist.
They start to depend on your forgiveness.
That’s why I am no longer a slave to apologies.
Treat me right the first time
Because I can’t guarantee you a next time.
It is impossible to keep me
once you’ve lost my trust.
I’m not saying you have to be afraid to lose me
what I am saying is…
I am not afraid to walk away.
I agree with Phoebenix, reading this letter brought back those feelings of helplessness. No matter what you do, how much you try to be “understanding,” they won’t stop being involved with the “love of their lives.” (In my case, even if they’re married to someone else too). It’s sick. It’s humiliating. Reading this letter reminds me of how much respect Iost for myself when I stayed in a relationship like that for so long. The problem is Chumps are sacrificial, they’ll sacrifice themselves on the alter of keeping the family together. That was what I wanted more than anything and I gave away everything I wanted in order to keep us together. It didn’t work. It didn’t work. It didn’t work.
Dear Wife, you deserve more love and compassion from yourself. You deserve more than being someone else’s plan B. You can love yourself more than he ever will. Start taking steps to become more independent now. Build up your social networks, enlist a good counselor, talk to a lawyer. Make a plan.
That is excellent, Vegan Chump. Thanks for sharing.
@Lyn,
These are words to live by for sure. When I stumbled across it I had to print it and hang it on my bathroom mirror.
Thanks, VC! Hard-earned words.
My first reaction to this was WHAT!!?? You’re putting up with this!? You got your husband back!? No you didn’t. He checked out over a year ago. And my second is that people love to drag Christianity through the mud. His values are obviously NOT Christian. “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” Obviously he doesn’t love you as a husband should love a wife, Wife. Do what CL said and un-husband him.
Michael, “you got your husband back”, When I read this I thought, oh goodness, throw him back. x told me in one of his tries to get me back, “I’m back”. He was talking about one time when I told him that I wanted my “old x back” not this new and improved x and he told me that the old x would never be back.
So in my case which was it, he “found” himself again or he was feeling like a sad sausage because I wasn’t there to be the hypotenuse in his “love” triangle. You can never get a straight, true answer from these crazy cheaters. But you can be sure that whatever their angle is, it is all in their favor and never a thought to the chump or their feelings.
“I’m back”….just like Jack Nicholson in the Shining
Heeeeeere’s Johnny! LOL
Wife
You won him back by default. He’s greiving the loss of losing the love of his life? What about you and his children?
She dumped him. There must be a basement somewhere, yet he now wants the comforts YOU were providing all along. Fuck that shit. He didn’t find Jesus, he has you to fall back on.
What does he want to be when he grows up? A man?
Get angry, lose the HE, there is no WE in your relationship. Drop the unconditional love. He’s not a child.
Consequences are key. Divorcing him means he will have to pay child support for four children. He will have to spend time with his children and be responsible for their care on the days he has them. He would rather lick his wounds under your roof.
Your better than that. You deserve much more. He’s an abusine asshole who loves only himself.
Wife,
How can you stay in a marriage where you KNOW that the OW is “the love of his life”? You KNOW, that if she hadn’t dumped him, he wouldn’t of ended the affair, and he wouldn’t of come back to you. You KNOW this, and yet you find this acceptable to YOU? Why would you want to say with someone that does not love you?
Look, it’s very very hard leaving your marriage. But isn’t it so much harder to look at your husband knowing he’d rather be elsewhere, to have sex with your husband, to PRETEND that you are a happy couple? And if you have kids, is this the example you want to set for them?
I live a year of hell, because my EX, refused to leave, refused to stop contact with OW (as he would say, he would do that when it’s right for him) whaaat? So I lived in limbo for 1 whole year of HELL. I allowed that behavior, by thinking then, that he needed to decide. No, now I know that I needed to decide what was best for ME, not him. Like CL said, you only control YOU, you can’t control him.
So are you going to accept KNOWING that you are is Plan B? Is that good enough for you?
I suspect that The Wife is a stay-at-home-mom. We’ve had several SAHMs (and a few SAHDs), and they are extremely financially vulnerable. If my assumption is correct, then probably the safest course would be for The Wife to make steps to reenter the workforce and to talk with a lawyer about getting some kind of temporary spousal support in place for a few years.
The Wife, if you’re reading this, you’ll probably need to start putting money away and establish credit under your own name. Pin money is a wonderful thing (go read up on it). Read up on how to establish credit and how to use credit cards without having the cards use you. 😉
Hitting way to close to home, kb.
WIFE- the guy is a clown who cares nothing for you or for your four children. I got the sob story that asshat and his MOW had to break up to “do the right thing!” Lemme tell you what the Right Thing is: it is putting your wife and children before his penile needs/magic pussy. Always. It is empathy, integrity, honesty and respect lavished on your partner and children.Not flying the Jesus Cheater flag when it suits his image. He’s a lying hypocrite willing to bet your self esteem is ZERO and that you would settle for shit, him that is.
Let him LIVE!LAUGH!LOVE! by filing for divorce. Don’t tell him, just get your ducks in a row and then have that fucker served. Show your kids that this is not how adults treat each other in healthy relationships. That healthy adults make their partners a priority, not their fuckbuddies.
Wanted to add…how does it make you feel when he says he wants to remain in contact with his fuckbuddy because he is so worried about her emotional well being post break up?
Where do you even figure into his hierarchy of people who are important to him? I got the SAME statement. It was pretty clear where I stood when there was zero consideration about the emotional rape he inflicted upon me. We are just things to these assholes. We are not a priority and we are not treated as humans, let alone as the legitimate legal spouses to these cheating assholes.
I’m riled up because this creep has fucked with your head for so long. He has chipped your self worth to nothing. Don’t consider letting this asshole have his cake. You are not his mother. You were his wife and that never mattered to him. He needs to go. You have a much better life ahead of you without someone stealing your joy and giving it to a fuckbuddy.
ANC, ^^^^ this exactly. Where is the consideration for the wife and kids and what your “husband” put you through for an entire year.
Also stock up on $25 gift cards each time you go to the grocery store, as a safety net.
Brilliant idea. Where I live, these cards when purchased at a local supermarket carry points that accumulate for free gasoline. When you get the free gas, the money that would have gone for gas can also go into your savings.
It’s the “love of his life” thing that I don’t understand. Is he a twelve year old? You get to make choices about who you let into your life, and who you love. If that’s his mentality, then he’ll never take responsibility for his actions, now or in the future. It’s the, sad sausage I just couldn’t help it because it was bigger than me and meant to be, justification that should never come from a grown man’s mouth. He’s watched one too many romantic comedies. How can she be the “love of his life,” but the woman who HE CHOSE to have four children with is not?
DN yes he is a child. Obviously he doesn’t know what true love is and that’s what stumps a lot of people including myself. That irrational thinking on the cheaters part – the power of being “in-love” is higher than everything (even your family). As ludicrous as it is, that’s what the cheater truly believes – that’s what we were all up against when we attempted reconciliation. That’s why reconciliation barely succeeds. All I can think of is these cheaters have a preconceived notion of that true love is or should be. It must last forever like in the Disney movies and Lifetime channel. These are the same people buying swamp land in Florida, very naïve inept people. I can not untangle that skein.
SureChumpedAlot, hmmmm, the in-love thing. I got the whole spiel about how x was in love with schmoopie and trying to be “in love” with me was just not something that he could do. He told me that love should just come easy, there is no “work on the marriage” for him, there is nothing else but the first blush of “falling in love” and after that there is nothing else to work on, both parties should just be, at all times, loving and in love. Now, if I wasn’t complete NC, I would love to ask him “how’s that no working on love thing” going for him. She dumped his stupid ass 6 months after he left me to be with his twu luv. I’m just bummed because it only took that bitch “6 months” to see that twu luv with the x was just not going to happen. 🙂
OMFG! This is EXACTLY my idiot STBX. He works hard at work why should he have to work in a relationship. When you are in a relationship it should all just happen. It’s because we have different love languages that it didn’t work out for us. So since the whoremat’s love language is open my legs for any guy that pays one iota of attention to me then that means it’s real, real, real, true, true, true WUV! And I even said to him “this is all an infatuation! It’s not LOVE!” “It’s NOT and infatuation!” Uh, you’ve known her for 5 months. Its INFATUATION you ass! LOVE is being in a marriage, putting up with the person you picked’s shit and at the end of the day still wanting to be with them because you love them. He is SURE arhat this is going to work out with the OW because infatuation can turn INTO love. Well yeah it can. But not when your relationship is based on lies and fantasyland with two extremely damaged people! ???
Hiya Dee – Yup I heard the same thing from my now ex-wife, “ILYBINILWY” – just the most cruel words especially when the words only come as you just discovered their affair and when you are the most vulnerable. Your ex-turd is in my opinion is one of many people that believes that “love should just come easy” or “there shouldn’t be any work on the marriage”. Just absolutely preposterous and immature! These turds will never change. The people are BROKEN in the dept of knowing what true love is. True love to them is that “feeling” and only that feeling. Us mature folks knows that feeling, “in-love” is a wonderful feeling but it can’t last every moment of every day. Biologically impossible. These bottom feeders are also broken in the department of knowing how to transition from “in-love” into a loving relationship which is much deeper. A loving marriage is when a deeper love takes place from the shallow “in-love”. That deeper love to me is treating someone on how it makes them feel and not how it makes me feel. Cheaters will never get this plus all of them have serious character flaws!
Funny analogy for you… Lets say you and (at the time) your husband decided that you were both going to plant seeds in 2 separate garden beds in order to gain the most beautiful, fragrant, gorgeous and colorful roses ever (kind of like marriage).
DeeL: You decide to plant them in the bed in the part of the backyard that has the most and longest daily sunshine. You sow, you add fertilizer and gently place the seeds in the dirt. You water them daily until one day you see that the roses are starting to come up. You continue to water them. Before you know it, whallah your roses are getting big and gorgeous, they smell so beautiful and you are ecstatic. You sit back and enjoy but you keep watering and feeding them. Next day to stimulate growth you decide to prune them. Takes a little time to prune and you get pricked a couple of times but your roses are ready to continue to grow. A week or so comes and wow!!! you have twice as many roses that are blooming plus some additional colors of roses because of your pruning efforts. You are now on cloud nine.Then one day a terrible very windy storm is coming so you decide to go in your backyard and to protect your most gorgeous roses you wrap them with thin burlap until the storm subsides. The following day, worried, you take off the burlap and to your thrill your roses survived and they still look fantastic. So what is Dee doing now… she continues to water and feed the roses. Dee you are probably one of those people that can have a rose bush forever!
x-Turd- Do I really need to get into on telling you how a cheater would grow a rose bush? LOL
I agree with you, only 6 months – should of been much more! Stay No Contact, stay mighty and only give your love to people like your wonderful self!
Yes, buying swampland after hiking the Appalachian Trail.
Wait…what?? He tells you SHE’s the “love of his life” AND “he needs to stay in contact with her to make sure SHE’s ok” ? Oh. Hell. No.
Oh the hell no is right. What an arrogant, selfish cheater, and definstely not concerned for you or your feelings. He came back because he was dumped period. Are you willing to live with this?
EXACTLY what I thought when I read Wife’s post. SMH.
You’re doing the best you can right now but this situation is hurting you (and your kids) more than kicking him out will. And it’s okay to change your mind about him even if you just spent time “fighting” for him.
They are not doing the “right” thing – and making this “okay” is not helping.
Kick him to the curb
YES yes yes!!!!! it is okay to change your mind! This really cannot be overstated. No matter how long it takes, no matter what you went thru on the way, no matter how committed you were to working it out at some point, once you decide this really isn’t ok with you, you can say “No more! I want out!” You are allowed to release yourself from a commitment that he already trampled. In fact, that is the healthy, responsible, honorable thing to do!
Exactly what Arlo said, Wife, you can change your mind about taking him and his less than stellar return at any time. You have to start to think what is best for you and your children. Please read this blog thoroughly, you will find so many stories on here that will speak to you and you will find that you are dealing with a garden variety fuckwit, that has no thoughts on what he has put you or your children through.
Once upon a time, my husband said he was only friends with the OW. Nothing had REALLY happened. A kiss on the cheek, despite her “drunken email about what she was HOPING would be true one day.” It was nothing… they could be friends. See how the other was doing.
I had 3 children, 2 years, 1 year, and a newborn. I had just given Cheater a job *I’d* been offered, to hopefully give himself confidence enough to not need those kinds of friends to tell sob stories to anymore.
It continued for another year and a half, at least, which I didn’t find out about until 9 years later. I didn’t find out just how much they were NOT “just friends” until 9 years later.
But even though he wasn’t seeing HER anymore, that didn’t stop him from starting up other affairs. I thought I had a unicorn for 6 years. But I’d already shown him just how gullible I was, the first time. He knew he could. My staying with him showed him he could. And rather than be GRATEFUL for another chance, he exploited it.
Because he wanted to.
Cheaters WANT to cheat. They don’t think of the consequences… and it’s only up to you to show him what they are. And never look back. He IS who he WANTS to be. You cannot change that.
Cheaters want to cheat.
You bet your ass.
That’s it. Perfectly summed up.
“I just got my husband BACK after a year long affair he had” Ummm, no. you. didn’t. Please take the longest view and teach your children that this arrangement is unacceptable to you.
Read this book, I Don”t Love You Anymore by David Clarke,PH. D. It will show you how your husband is full of shit. What he is trying to do is NOT in line with Christian values.Maintaining contact on any level is unacceptable.
Can’t comment now. Beating my head into my desk.
Ditto.
Oh shit Rumblekitty!!! I just LOVE your perspective on these dilemmas!!!! I almost spit coffee all over my screen!!!! I cannot stop LAUGHING!!!
Truly Wife! LEAVE HIS CHEATING ASS IN THE WIND! Go live your life free of the insanity you call husband!
Oh, me too. Just sitting here stunned that she thinks “getting him back” was a good thing.
My first thought when I read “I just got my husband back” was:
No, you don’t ‘get your husband back’ from anyone. You get things like your dry cleaning ‘back’ or a book that you have loaned; not your husband…..
Exactly.
although, if we flesh out the analogy, you can return your library book, or throw out a shirt that just came back from the cleaner’s. I’d recommend doing the same with the hubby who “returned.”
What would happen if you let him ? Hmmm… Let’s see what happened to me after I forgave what I thought was a crush abroad with a woman who was going to stay abroad…
– He lives with his phone glued to his body
– He gets up at night to check his phone, goes to another room and texts
– When we go on vacation, there is this strange impression that someone else is with us at all times
– Sex becomes complicated and mechanical
– He says cruel things with a smirk, with a “nothing to lose” attitude
– Being with him is never natural any more, I am like an actress
– I discover new data about his affair, he was planning to marry her, he saw her more than I had thought
– If a woman hikes too close to us, I get unexplainable anger attack
– I am never relaxed, I am worried about my makeup, my clothes, even if it’s only to walk the dogs
– He starts a relationship with another woman
– He invites the other woman to show her the area and suggests I go with them so I can verify that “nothing happens”
Now consider a princess in a fairy tale. Would Prince charming sound right if he said to the pretty blonde character what your husband says to you ? In my case, not.
No love there. Time to leave.
7 years ago, my H had a “friend” in a “war college” course. He was a senior officer in the Army. At graduation, the “friend” called me from a cell phone of his that he said he had lost, just so I would know. When the course was over, he expressed a great deal of anger at ME. I accepted the story of a friendship. He seemed to calm down for a couple of years, but then he became keen to leave the military. After a few months, he announced that he was taking a job overseas.
Before he left, he:
Started another affair with a woman in another country.
Was glued to the computer.
Gave me list of things to do so I would leave the house, freeing him to be on the computer.
I was working. All he contributed for a time was a pension. He set up eBay business, sold my things and began sending OW#2 the money by PayPal.
Began supporting OW#2’s kids and spending Xmas with her and her kids, claiming he could not get leave to come home.
Freely showed up in her town and acted like her boyfriend.
Told people overseas that we were separated or divorced.
When this came out, he was still nostalgic for his “friend” from years before. He told me that they were “like Forrest and Jenny, like peas and carrots.”
He told me OW#2 was a “neat person” and he “got lost.”
He would not give me a divorce. I am having to fight for it every step of the way. (Ours is a fault state; it takes longer.)
I was a confident woman. Very highly educated. People told me I was smart, beautiful and funny. I allowed myself to be treated with vicious disrespect and abuse, like I was not even human.
Wife, you are doing the same. Your kids know this. Do not continue to allow them to see you be treated with disrespect. Divorce him. It will be excruciatingly painful, like a rebirth. But you will die if you don’t.
ChmpfromF, what you describe is exactly the sort of suffering I went through. I will never, ever expose myself to that level of pain and demoralisation again.
Wife, you did not get your husband back. He’s gone, and he is not coming back.
And think about your children. You are teaching them that it’s OK for men to cheat, and that the correct response is for a woman to shove all the hurt and pain and anger down into a little ball so that she can focus all your energies on Winning the Pick Me Dance.
“Look, girls! Look how well Mommy is doing with unconditional love! Look how unhappy that can make you! And the more unhappy you are, the prettier you have to dance!”
“Look, boys! Daddy got to check out of his marriage for a year, and then Mommy took him back again with zero consequences! And he gets to stay in touch with the pretty lady who he really loves, but gets Mommy to do his laundry and cook his meals! Now boys, you make sure that when you get married, you pick a lady just like Mommy, because she will do anything you want!”
Wow! What a great post re what it feels like living thru false reconciliation.
About a year after agreeing to NC with “the love of his life”, my ex was spending a lot of time in the bathroom with his laptop. Finding out he was still in contact with her (and probably spanking his monkey to the endless selfie shots she took of herself) was the final straw for me.
It’s who they are, Wife, it’s who they are.
And the sorry truth is that you have already been discarded. You just haven’t realized it yet.
Start building your new cheater free life.
We’ll have your back.
Damn that was the best description of my life during ‘reconciliation’ that I have ever seen. Yikes, I have goosebumps now
I had a similar experience.
Wife, please know that it is extremely difficult to get past the first infidelity. You can try your best but in time it doesn’t get better….it gets worse. My EX got craftier, the lies continued and the worst part — the gaslighting — ramped up.
You are not judged because you didn’t forgive him. He is judged by betraying you.
You deserve better.
Should you “allow” him to keep her on his FB?
He’s a grown ass man, you’re not his mother. Its not a question of allowing anything.
The question is does he have enough respect for you and your marriage to cut off contact with the whorebag? I think you already know the answer to that. I say you “allow” him to remain in contact with the whore bag.
And you allow yourself the dignity and self respect to walk away from this loser.
Perfect summary and course of action gepster!
Wife, I am so sorry that you were put in this situation, there are no good options unfortunately, just a whole lot of pain and grief. TRUST THAT HE SUCKS, but beyond anything, trust that you can build a better future for yourself and your kids by leaving him.
You have rights as his wife and mother of his kids. Start therapy for yourself with a therapist specialized in abusive/controlling spouses. Don’t have sex with your husband any more, tell him that you need to rebuild trust with him first. Any sexual contact after you have learned about his affair can be deemed as the fact that you have forgiven him.
Go about your family logistics as usual, but while he is at work, gather your evidence, get copies of all financials and all correspondence, get a lawyer as well as build a nest egg and grocery gift cards as much as you can.
When you have all your ducks lined up and your support team in place, don’t tell your husband anything, file, stay safe, and move forward based on your lawyer’s advice.
Keep coming here for support, we have your back!
(((Wife)))
Exactly. And Amen.
Wife,
Your husband has only one love of his life, and that’s himself. Christian values say that a man must love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. Your husband’s idea of sacrificial love is a joke, but is not funny at ALL.
It’s a matter of time before he reunites with her.
Reunites?
He never left.
In Biblical times, there wasn’t Facebook but there are multiple passages on how adultery in a mortal sin. In fact it’s the only marital offense that’s included in the 10 Commandments. How do you wrap your head around that?
He returned to you because he doesn’t want to lose face, at least half his money, and because the Love of His Life has no interest in taking on 4 children, even if it’s just every other weekend. It’s not because he cares about you or the Baby Jesus.
If you’re content with being his room mate, brood mare and cleaning lady, then by all means, accept this friendship. But if you expect to be loved by your husband as Christ loves his Church, you’re with the wrong man.
+1
Lulu, your reference to a wife being loved by her husband like Christ loved the Church really resonated like a big, big bell in my head. Christ suffered deeply for the future Church, and for his relationship with God. Jesus cheaters in particular really get my ire up, probably because of the false, swanning piety they love to drape over their hypocrisy and lies. Jesus cheaters love to throw that same false piety like pebbles into the deep gaping holes of betrayal they leave behind them and then gaslight you for the rage you feel for such a contemptuous gesture. I feel sorry for the “love of his life” (mistress) and for you. Your husband is not capable of love. He is simply an empty man who threw away his marriage and his family for a mirage.
@Wife. This is a pretty blatant and pathetic play for cake. Online connections are like cockroaches, see one, know there are ten to hundred more hidden. My ex hid a number of his EAs online for months, and when I found out about a tiny part of it, I knew how much more was hidden. I was so hurt by the betrayal I didn’t even bother to verify. My trust had already been broken and there was no reason to continue onward. I put pieces together, listened to my gut, and prepared to GTFO. Commitment stands up of its own accord, deletes all those online connections, accounts, and presents itself to you with open transparency. You should never have to ask it of YOUR HUSBAND.
For what its worth, your husband is on the worthy/sexy playing field of cake. You, wife, are the “worthy” partner who does the heavy lifting of domesticity: (cleaning lady, cook, maid, errands, accountant) and of motherhood. HIs mistress provides the sparkle and sexy, and its always easy to call anyone “the love of your life” when you are in limerance. Affairs are not grounded in daily reality, which is why they are always in a state of limerance, and why they so frequently fall apart once affair partners live together.
The problem is in your cheating husband’s head. Until he heals that worthy/sexy rift, until he reaches emotional maturity capable of adult love (probably 20 years from now), and until he understands that his entitlement will founder any relationship (children, employment, friends, and obviously the great psychological undertaking called marriage), he is no candidate for reconciliation. He sucks. And in all reality, he gives crumbs to all his relationships. You know, turd dust from his great, stinking, glittery, stench.
You are worth more than the turd dust falling from him. Go find a happy life, sans sparkly turd.
My ex liked to throw The Bible at me as well when it suited his purposes, particularly Old Testament passages regarding wifely obedience. He claims that he never cheated physically (just chatted online and texted).
To that I responded: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28) @TheWife, maybe your husband needs a reminder of this.
A lot of people mis-interpret that passage to mean that it’s offensive to find other people physically attractive, but in context, it means that if you’re focusing your sexual and romantic energies on a person who isn’t your spouse (regardless of whether you actually have sex), you’re committing adultery.
I think that’s the best Biblical explanation I have ever seen regarding emotional affairs and emotional fidelity. I am really sorry to hear about your pontificating ogre of a husband.
You make some interesting points. However, the fact that the Cheater is trying to maintain both his marriage and hold onto his affair partner (whether as an emotional affair or more likely a full-blown affair) suggests that he won’t change in 20 years or 200 years. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. There’s no remorse for hurting his family. He’s back because it serves HIM. He has, based on her letter, all the hallmarks of someone pretty far out on the narcissist spectrum.
And yes, you’re absolutely right. Its just one of the usual strategies to maintain narcissistic supply from the AP while manipulating his wife. He is just playing for time while he lines up more supply. I was trying to say to this woman, “Hey, don’t end up as a wife appliance!” Narcissists always know what is of value to them. Spouse appliances are always very valuable. They don’t want to lose their nice spouse appliance.
I have a dream of a great future in which AI creates spousal appliances marketed to the fucktards of Earth. Domestic humanoid robots, in which narcissists can purchase spouse robots, sex robots, maids, etc. Then they can just stay out of the gene pool, and be occupied by their robots. This would leave the dating pool so much cleaner for normal people. And in a sequel, after humans find love among one another, the narcissists are destroyed by a revolt of their robots.
Yeah, I doubt he is going to change any time soon. I guess my 20 years came from a rhetorical standpoint of “who wants to wait 20 years?” Leave now, don’t wait 20 years and have this cycle keep repeating!!
I am sad for you because I tried to acknowledge his grief and his loss every single time I MADE him stop contacting the fuckbitchwhore. I “managed” his affair for him by even encouraging him to make sure she was OK. Want to know what happened…in the end HE left ME because I was “hard to live with.” Trust that he sucks, and trust that this is not how you want to live your life. I know how gut wrenching it is to walk away from the hope. But I pray you have the courage to take care of you. Affair or not, he is actively choosing not to honor you.
Thank you, zmichelle, for sharing your experience. I am still in limbo, and what you’re describing is truly how I see my life playing out. Even IF I give the Serial Cheater in my marriage every benefit of the doubt about his current intentions and level of commitment (which logic, by the way, tells me I should not) I do not feel safe or comfortable, and continuing to live with him feels like taking a big sloppy bite of the shit sandwich each and every day. I’m sad, angry, resentful, insecure — just dark.
And what I anticipate is that when the timing is right for HIM — say, in 8-10 years when I’m menopausal and he won’t need child care or have to pay child support and he has attained full vestment in his retirement, and he’s the “distinguished older gentleman” to my “wrinkly, bitter hag” — he’ll just HAVE to leave me because I never forgave and I’m too difficult. Yeah, he’ll leave me. I know (thought don’t want to accept) that he will.
I’m sorry for your pain, zmichelle. I don’t want to listen to your cautionary tale, but I should.
And, Wife from this thread, you deserve better. I’m sorry for your intense pain, too.
Chumpadilly, “And what I anticipate is that when the timing is right for HIM — say, in 8-10 years when I’m menopausal and he won’t need child care or have to pay child support and he has attained full vestment in his retirement, and he’s the “distinguished older gentleman” to my “wrinkly, bitter hag” — he’ll just HAVE to leave me because I never forgave and I’m too difficult. Yeah, he’ll leave me. I know (thought don’t want to accept) that he will.”
I’m sorry for your pain, zmichelle. I don’t want to listen to your cautionary tale, but I should.”
You’ve told my story. Please plan and plan some more so that you will not have to suffer anymore pain than you already have. Please save yourself. x took 7 years of my life, maybe I should say I let him take 7 years of wreckonciliation after d-day 1, and that is no damn way to live. He was a fuckwit then and he continued to be an emotionally abusive fuckwit for years. I deserve and deserved better, I stayed for the kids and guess what, the kids did not appreciate not one damn bit of my effort. It’s heartbreaking all the way through but it is what it is and now I am free. I went so long, without so much that I am having a hard time forgiving my stupidity and making a new life for myself. I think that I will eventually get to a good place, but I wish that I had started out 10 years ago instead.
OR, what I saw as my future was that my cheating husband (now ex) had no intention of ever changing his ways nor did he want to end our marriage. He liked the security of having me around AND the thrills derived by his serial cheating. I saw my “golden years” as just a continuance of being stuck in that hellish limbo. I decided that I would be far better off living alone without him than living alone with him…
Oh dear Chumpadilly, you foresee a future that I never did. You are EXACTLY right. For 6 years I fought their emotional affair and waited for him to find clarity, compassion and a conscience. Instead, he waited until our youngest was graduating high school, until I had an established career, and when I started getting busy with state board positions. He even admitted he “waited and waited” for things to get better or for when he knew the time was right to leave me for her. And he blamed me on his way out the door.
Chumpadilly, So sorry you are in limbo. But how acutely intelligent you are to have figured out where you situation is taking you. I hope you consider writing a different story with your life. You may feel trapped for some reason (the kids, money, etc.). But you don’t have to wait until starting over is harder, until he has figured out how to keep his pension for himself, until the kids are gone and you are left to start over alone.
That doesn’t mean you have to leave today. But if you make a plan, set a deadline, and get your ducks in a row, you can figure out how to have a life that doesn’t mean living with someone you can trust. That’s not marriage. That’s prison.
Go back and read the mightiness posts from Friday. You can live on a sailboat, adopt a dog or cat, climb a mountain, get a degree, change jobs, downsize to an apartment, start painting watercolors. We get one life. Just one. Don’t wait it living in a shell of a marriage with a man you don’t trust. Of course, leaving will be hard. The kids won’t like it. Money may be tight. You might have to live in a smaller house. But you won’t be living a lie. Your post shows how bright and caring you are. You deserve better.
Tracy, I so wish you were around after DD#1 for me. It is just such good advice.
Wife, I have to be honest here. I just can’t get beyond: “she was the love of his life, and he still cares about her”. What in the world does that make you? Why are you accepting ‘sloppy seconds’?
I just do not understand the reason for not getting a divorce. Sure it sucks but he will be a father to your 4 kids, In fact, your husband can even have full custody of them. You still have a full life. You still can be a good Christian. Your kids are not broken. You did not fail. It means that you don’t agree to behavior that is abusive and frankly non-Christian.
it really sucks but you can get through this. Find a good counselor to help you.
Excellent advice from everyone here–although I know you won’t want to hear it, Wife.
I know. I’ve been there.
I believed my ex and the MOW when they said there was nothing like “that” between them.
6 years later…Yes. SIX!! He left me for her.
The long-distance star-crossed lover routine is powerful with these kinds of people and the more they “have” to be apart, the more they will want to be together. In my case, yeah…he was back with me physically but really never emotionally, although he put on a VERY CONVINCING act. They went underground and their affair was stronger than ever.
I didn’t find out until after he left what had gone on for those 6 years. There was a lot of her dumping him…and him chasing her. Lots of game playing. Lots of lying. Lots of “excitement of the chase.”
Sick. All of it.
I beg you…DO NOT BE ME!
You need to come to grips with the fact that the man you THOUGHT you knew is NOT that man.
This is one of the most difficult aspects of all of this.
You need to get him as far away from you as possible. RIGHT NOW!
Also, find a counselor who will work through this with you. You need a mental health professional who can help you see that someone who does this has a personality disorder or mental illness and it is not someone you would want to be married to–short term or long term!
If he can play these games–and lie to you, the family, the OW–he is capable of all sorts of things.
Believe me on this.
Jesus, what is so wrong with this woman that she’s willing to settle for a steady diet of such a huge festering shit sandwich? She ‘just got him back?’ Like she just won some kind of freakin’ PRIZE or something? What makes a person lower themselves to to the point where they want to keep a piece of crud like this around? Is it having ZERO expectations? Desperation? No other options? Fear of being alone? Financial dependence on this piece of crap? I’m just floored at how some women will just continue to swallow every single ounce of their pride.
ChumpLadyFan
“What is wrong with this woman” isn’t exactly a 2×4. It’s putting the blame on the victim. I personally found your post hurtful and judgemental. I took it very personally because as many chumps we stayed and had to come to terms with the devastation that comes when our lives are blown apart by the person we reproduced with,forgave, and trusted. While there were many reasons I stayed I believe conquering our fears through kindness, love and support is HOW I gained the strength to leave.
What I can’t believe is how you framed your post to further insult a victim who has endured the gut wrenching pain of infidelity. When in pain-blame, comes straight from cheaters playbook.
Are you a chump or a cheater?
Agree, Donna.
I think sometimes, in finding the dark humor necessary for Chump survival of ClusterfuckB tendencies, we can forget there is a human on the end of these questions, and a hurting one at that.
We have all experienced, and are still living through the emotional, financial, sexual and physical effects of infidelity. Which can include some serious brainwashing. Stockholm syndrome, or at least enough cognitive dissonance to power Texas. If it were as easy (or simple) as some CN comments (including my own) make it out to be, then we wouldn’t be here, and there would be no need for this community.
So how about we let they who have one foot in the land of Meh cast the first 2×4?
Remembering that no one who visits these pages regularly is entirely at “Meh”, least of all someone writing to Chump Lady for the first time.
x-Meh.
It’s not just women who put up with this, male chumps have done it too.
Also, we try to lift other chumps up, even though sometimes it really is frustrating . . . I had a friend doing the same kind of thing with her boyfriend. I just want to shake her.
Agreed RumbleKitty. I’m standing proof as a male who has done it also. Very humiliating as we all know. I guess that makes me a male dancer. LOL
Hot! 🙂
ChumpLadyFan: It’s probably all of those things. She is, like all of us are, survivors of abuse. Go easy on her – this place is supposed to be a safe place of support.
Wife: Your letter conjured an image in my mind. That every night, when you go to bed alongside your husband, he is next to you cuddling with her. That’s a terribly lonely place for you. Please heed the advice here before he wipes you out financially and does even more damage to your self-esteem.
“He returned to his family because he wants to do the “right” thing, and because we have four kids, and because his Christian values are important to him (not because he doesn’t love her).”
Umm…exactly WHAT “Christian values” is he talking about?! What page in ANY Christian does it say, “Thou shall stay married and keep thy affair partner as a ‘friend'”????
Did he skip over the part that said, “Thou shall *NOT* commit adultery?” How about, “Thou shall *NOT* covet thy neighbor’s wife”? And “Thou shall *NOT* covet they neighbor’s goods”? Or Thou shall *NOT* bear false witness?
Y’know, a lot of people (including cheaters) have quoted the Bible as saying, “God hates divorce”. But they don’t read the preceding verses that I’ll quote here for you:
“Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.”
I do believe that Jesus allows divorce in the case of infidelity Your husband is STILL being unfaithful to you, and I can almost guarantee you that they will probably get back together again at some point.
Please leave all of the drama behind. For your own sanity.
Amen Gypsy. Thank you…
Was going to add this in addition to my earlier post, but my ‘reply’ button isn’t cooperating!
What about the Christian value of DO UNTO OTHERS.
Do you think for a moment that he would like it if YOU were the one who cheated, came back to him and wanted to keep YOUR affair partner as a “friend”????
Oh I was once This Wife. The management of the OW- how exhausting. All that pleading to unfriend her, not contact her. It was part of the pick me dance of death rather than any faux reconciliation although I was under the horrible influence of Anne Bercht’s book ‘My husband’s affair became the best thing that ever happened to me.’ Breaking contact with the affair partner is seen as the golden key to reconciliation. So I just hammered away at the break contact mantra. It didn’t occur to me that there was any way out of the affair nightmare but through the Recon revolving door.
Reconciliation really suits Brian Bercht- “Lucky for me my wife refused to give up on our marriage. We are now closer and more committed than ever.” Yes I definitely saw it through Lucky Brian’s eyes. When somebody asked me the same question as CL here- “What about you? What do you want”. I really didn’t know. I was the rabbit caught in the headlights, worrying about the welfare of the manic driver heading my way.
Eventually I realised that he was choosing OW and not me and however unfair it seemed I had to accept that and get out of the marriage. As I like to say, he made a choice and I made a decision. Yes, my husband’s affair became the best thing that ever happened to me. I got divorced.
Actually I would like to defend Brian Bercht. I read the book, and saw that my narcissist PD ex did not do ANY of the things he did. BB had the balls to see the fantasy, realise that he loved his wife, commit to her and do the work. He also gives men a hard time in his counselling.
So I think he is a genuine unicorn.
I read that book, and thought, “if this is what reconciliation looks like I don’t want it.”
The title of that book has irritated me all day. You want to claim that your spouse’s affair resulted in the marriage becoming stronger? Okay, I don’t fully buy it, but maybe that’s true. But “the best thing that ever happened to me”? Do the Berchts have children? His boinking a 3rd person was better than their births? Better than the wedding day, full of promise? Better than the best meal she’s ever had? What folly. Seriously, it makes me want to kidnap Anne and put her through counter-brainwashing camp + a spine replacement.
Tempest- If you think she’s brainwashed, go to an RIC forum and tell everyone there that the book is crap. You’ll be glad that you are online saying it because the way the hopium addicts come after you just for uttering those words, you’d think you just murdered someone! There would most definitely be a group flogging if you were to ever run into them in person!
It’s really quite sad actually. Just goes to show the power the RIC has over chumps who want so badly to believe they have the unicorn. Even in my biggest hopium smoking days, i never for one moment believed that drivel. I say I hate the book but I’ve never actually read it. I don’t have to. The title says everything. I knew from my own experience that “my husband’s affair was the worst thing that ever happened to our marriage.”
It was however the best thing that happened to me as Mikky said. (Because I divorced the asshat!)
Perhaps one day when I have spare time (rarely) and am feeling feisty (most days), I’ll head over there and stir up some trouble ; )
In pitching my own book to agents/publishers, I had to mention the other best sellers in infidelity lit, and of course, I added that title.
People didn’t believe me. As recently as a BBC producer who got in touch after the AM hack — NO, SERIOUSLY? There is a book titled THAT? And it SELLS?
Yeah, not only does it sell, but that is the predominant advice out there. The Affair Will Make Your Marriage Stronger.
Unless you’ve been through the meat grinder of infidelity, you won’t understand. But to people who haven’t experienced it — it seems ridiculous.
It IS ridiculous. I think that organization/book is completely whackadoodle.
The Blechs who are responsible for that POS book are not so whakadoodle Chumplady… As I recall (yep bought the book , read it …AND WANT MY MONEY BACK) Bwyan BLECH was having job troubles big time and Anne’s venture into authoring that garbage gave him a job !!! Interviews on Oprah, big sales from book, overseas travel to host RIC camp weekend workshops for chumps and BAN chapters all over the world inciting chumps to STAND for their marriage YUCK So if Brian is entertaining thoughts of more cheating he’d better make sure he’s not going to be exposed as a whole RIC empire in $$$$ is at stake ! Yuck to the lot of them!
Yeah I had to check my Amazon account to make sure I’d remembered the title correctly. It’s hard to believe I could even contemplate such a ludicrous book. What’s worse, Amazon kindly reminded me ” You purchased this item 1 September 2013″ which is three months after D-Day. Three months of mind fuck and this seemed the best option. You can’t get your new book on the market ( Amazon!) quick enough!
Her brainwashed look on their website convinced me to hightail it out of Dodge after D-day; no way I was going to end up broken or a Stepford Wife. Buh bye, cheater.
“As I like to say, he made a choice and I made a decision.”
Ooh I like that A LOT. I’m going to remember that.
I’ve always hated that book.
Where I got hung up? If Brian is such an awesome husband, why did he need an affair to become that way? Or worse, why does Anne believe that the affair was the only way for their marriage to get better. Deludinoids!
Yeah, I tore my copy up and threw it in the bin. And I never destroy books usually. Did not want to give it away and contaminate some other poor chump.
I agree with everything everyone else has said. Mine came back, used me for a while to get himself in good health and then left for her. It doesn’t matter that the OW dumped your husband, he’s tied to her emotionally and not willing to leave that space. Even if he does unfriend her on all social media and erase her number, you will never know for sure that he isn’t in contact with her. He has erased all trust you have in him. Get yourself positioned well and file for divorce.
When a man tells you that someone else is “the love of his life”, he is saying that YOU ARENT. This is not acceptable. You should be his priority, not her.
I needed to read this. I was sitting on the couch crying, thinking about my kids losing an intact family. Wishing I tried harder so that they’d have a better life (I know, I know) when this article, like the 2×4 that I needed, slapped me. For a while now I knew I’d be ok without my husband. But not sure about my girls. Reading this though, made me examine my husband’s behavior. I didnt get a sparkly cheater, my friends. I got a surly one that I thought I could help, make his life a better place (cause I’m special dontcha know??). And after all he’s a good guy. (He’d never cheat!!) I think I got the silent treatment for 13 years. Maree, it sounds like our husbands may be friends. The cold silent treatment that I got is a TERRIBLE example to my girls. This example that your husband is setting, wife, is terrible for your kids.The LAST thing I want is for my two girls to think how my STBX treats me, is what they need in a man. Thanks chump lady and Wife, wherever you are. ? I don’t know how many times a day I come here but it’s a lot. I love you guys❤️
Kay–Well-done! Children learn more from modeling than from hours and hours of lectures and lessons from us. Model self-respect, and they will learn self-respect. You can do this!!
Same here 13 years of barely any emotion, never touching me, never saying I love you until I told him I wanted out. Then it was love bombing and I would think it was just all me. Then the silent treatment would start again! That went on for 13 years and 1 year of wreckincilation. I recently came to my senses, lined up my ducks and filed for divorce. I don’t want to model that dysfunction to my teenagers any longer. I’m presently dodging his flying monkeys (family)…..can’t wait to be free. I keep telling myself that “I’m leaving a cheater and gaining a life”.
You keep going, strong woman! It’s rough and its thankless. And your kids might not be all in for it, but in the bitter end you will save your kids and yourself from so much more pain that your fuckwit will and can do to you. Keep STRONG and go on. You got this!!!!! Prayers!!!!!
Hang on and stay strong, Strong Woman. Good for you that you are getting free and seeing your way out of the crazy!
You are a great example to your girls, Kay. You are mighty!
Dear Wife
Not blaming you . That could have been me but please step outside the situation for a moment and try to see what others see. I didn’t see it until I was out of it. I didn’t learn until after I left what you know now. You deserve a life too. You might think this life with a person who doesn’t really care about you is better than being alone but think about your kids. Do you want them to have any respect for you ever? If you don’t respect yourself they won’t. Nor will anyone else. Yes it’s scary but you can do it. Take the best of what you are now and build on it. Find support in friends and/or family and fly free. Yes, your family will be different but it will be better. It is just a matter of time before he won’t be able to hold up the pretense, such as it is, any longer. You have the advantage now. Prepare and take pre-emptive action. Save $ and get a lawyer – not necessarily in that order. Good Luck. We’re all with you!
Here’s what is just as important as whether kids respect the chumped parent: whether they learn to respect themselves and insist on what my therapist calls “normal, decent, treatment” from their partners or spouses (or anyone else, for that matter).
Even if he deletes her on the Facebook account you know about, and deletes her name from his phone, there’s still no guarantee that he’s not in contact with her. Indeed, if he still cares enough to want to know how she’s doing, he’s still in contact. This is just a hopeless situation. My advice, as someone who went through something similar (pre-social media days), and then slogged through 18 years of reconciliation, only to have him do the same damn thing again, is to get a divorce, pronto.
My CH told the OW that I had found their texts and he was deleting her number from his phone but he would still keep in touch. Well, she sent me that message! Brilliant! I guess he wasn’t too smart. He had given her my phone number!
Good point Carol, just because he doesn’t have her as a friend and doesn’t have her number in his phone doesn’t mean they aren’t in contact. And there you will be sitting and wondering, always wondering. It’s exhausting.
Fuck that whore. Fuck your husband. Today, “friends” are just cover for “affair partners”. And a way to try to shift the blame on to the spouse by making it look like they are jealous or insecure of “friends. “. Fuck that noise. Ditch his cheating ass. This pisses me off even reading it…
Anita, amen……was thinking the same thing. FUCK HIM! She was the love of his life? Then go be with twatwaffle! The OW dumped him as a ploy to get him to divorce you! As soon as she shows interest in him, he’ll dump you like a hot potato. Take care of yourself and your children first. Do what YOU need to do to protect yourself! My prayers are with you!
The first thing I noticed is that you called yourself The Wife. You need to find your identity outside being his property. I’ve been in reconciliation for over 3 years now. Number 1, Facebook was and will always be out! Number 2, how can you hear him say, she is the love of his life and stay? It sounds like you are doing all the compromising, and carrying all your pain inside. Get mad! See if he stays at your side when you show him the pain he caused. Number 3, Is this reconciliation really making you happy or you’re staying out of fear? You’re not just The Wife. Find your strength and who you are . Keep telling yourself your not his second choice. Youre a beautiful, special woman who got betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust the most. He needs to be doing a lot of sucking up to you , if not its just another form of deception.
“He came back because he didn’t want to divorce me”. This is priceless coming from a lying cheating asshole. Always in control aren’t they?
He wasn’t afraid YOU would divorce HIM. He knew you were waiting and he’s justifying keeping his relationship with her because he is controlling the narrative and you wife. Yet he strung you along for a YEAR. DUMP HIM.
As I learned, if your “remorseful” cheater insists on maintaining contact with the AP, then the affair isn’t over. In fact, it likely never stopped.
And even if it did, why did I want to be with someone who respected me so little as to insist on maintaining contact with her AP?
Once I re-grew a backbone and insisted on common decency from my spouse, and realized she wasn’t going to provide it, I knew it was time for me to leave.
Wife, u should do the same.
JC, “regrew a back bone and expected common decency”. We get so worn down that we don’t even expect “common decency”. Seriously, the majority of the chumps on this blog are “older” than mid-20’s. Do we really need to put up with the “baby” dating of this age???? Did we, most of us anyway, not say vows when we got married????? VOWS!!!! not the usual dating, emotional vomit that 20 somethings go through now. There were promises made before God and man, and a bunch of family and friend “witnesses” with these fuckwits and what???!! now we are supposed to just forget that and go on with the “maybe” dating of these times, to find twu luv, outside of our primary relationships? Because the chump was too “mean” and didn’t “allow” our SO’s to “run free and find easy and uncomplicated love with schmoopie”?
It’s all craziness that you should run from. @Wife. Just get out of your situation as fast and as far as you can. This “husband” of yours is your enemy. He is not thinking of your best interests at all. He is plotting your downfall and he is using you to further his wants and desires. If the man told you that “she” is the love of his life, that gives nothing to you, there is nothing of “him” left for you or for your kids. At this point in your relationship, those four kids that you and he had together, become YOUR kids alone. He may have contributed sperm, but they are YOUR kids and you have to become a mama bear and protect them, even from their own “father”.
Yes, DeeL.
Regarding being in your 20s…I was “only” 30 when I got married. My wife made it to 34 before she starting cheating (that I know of).
But I agree — age does play a factor. To change is easier when you’re younger. When you’re a kid, the world is open to you, and you can be anything. Studies have proven that unused synapses get pared back during teenage years. And then our 20s are the time to try on new identities, become Bohemians, etc…before we eventually end up as a mix of those who raised us plus whatever outside influences we picked up along the way.
My point is that…by the time we’re 30…we are who we are. VERY few people can change after 30. Yes, we can all work around the edges, and some of us (if we put in the hard work) are capable of amazing transformations.
But what cheater do you know who is willing to put in the hard work to undertake an amazing transformation? 1 in 100? 1 in 1,000? In one million? And why are we chumps so stupid as to think that OUR cheater is that one in one million?!?
People don’t change. They evolve. But they don’t change. Evolution takes time. Waiting for a cheater to evolve into someone who won’t cheat is like watching paint dry over the course of two decades. Frankly, I don’t have the time for that, and I have better things to do with the limited time I have here.
JC, this is so true: “People don’t change. They evolve. But they don’t change. Evolution takes time. Waiting for a cheater to evolve into someone who won’t cheat is like watching paint dry over the course of two decades.”
It must be the same for us. I’m at least glad I’m not dealing with the same issues as STBX. It would really suck to know you were a total piece of shit in so many really important ways. And that everyone knows it.
I would rather still be reading up on ‘narcissism and sex addiction’ four months out, stuck in settlement hell, living in my brother’s basement, feeling moody and pre-occupied (STILL!) than be a fat, middle-aged, alcoholic, porn-induced-ED-suffering, buffoon jerking off to teenage sex workers…in other words, I’d rather be stuck in recovery than living in his hell.
Maybe that’s empathy. So, we’re normal. If normal feels this bad, imagine what ABnormal is living with?!
That was an amazing comment. I often wonder if the chaos manufacturing that Cluster Bs create is a way to escape the misery of the hell that exists between their own two ears, even for just a few moments.
Uh, what “LivingMyLife” said. Also, “deal with the reality you’ve got.” Enough said. There are lots of things we would *wish* to happen in these situations. Lots of ways we wish it would change. Lots of fantasies that we make room for, to the detriment of our real lives. But the thing is, the fantasy is…not going to happen. That’s why we’re chumps. That’s why we’re here. You can sleep at night because you know in your heart that you bent over backwards to save your marriage. It didn’t work, and you can’t force it to work–all you can do is give the chance and have an open heart. You did that already. He pushed it away. Now what are you going to do with the rest of your time on this earth? Get mighty and get rid of him so you can get on to the next great thing God has planned for you.
Hon, you need to dump his sorry ass and get done professional help pronto! I’m at a loss for words. He does not love you! He loves her! His “faith” and values are bogus! He’s a slick cheater who has counted on you be the good and forgiving wifey! If you believe he will be faithful I’ve got some great swampland to sell you!
You have much more worth than he could ever deserve!
Wife,
It’s obvious that you do not want a broken family. I empathize with you. That is one of the reasons why you are attempting reconciling. He has no empathy and to prove it, it’s all in HIS words – “she was the love of his life”. What more do you need? Your feelings mean nothing to him!
You have to TRUST CL/CN on this. He is still continuing to cheat on you, emotionally. It’s not going to get any better, I guarantee it will only get worse. I have lived the same scenario. You have to protect yourself and your kids and to do so, you must get out, better yet you must kick him out!
Remember he set the bed, he now has to lay in it. Let him be with the “love of his life”. I am sure he won’t feel that same way once that infatuation wears off, but when it does – it will be too late.Your cheating husband is living in a delusional world of really understanding what true love really is. He is still “under the influence” of a whore. Sorry to say but it’s who he is, he has very bad character.
Ugh! Just reading everyone’s replies reminds me how awful that time was for me. It is a hard road to freedom but I am soooo much happier now that I don’t worry where he is, who he is emailing, take his poor treatment because he knew he could get away with it. I was keeping it together for the kids. That’s what I told myself. I’m such a better person for my kids now. My marriage counselor said that we couldn’t begin marriage counseling while there was another person involved. That’s because a marriage doesn’t include three people. You need to be angry with this guy.
You deserve better. You deserve better. You deserve better.
Wife– Sending Jedi hugs your way.
A few things to keep in mind:
Families come in all sorts and sizes. Do not stay to “keep the family intact.” Kids need love, support, and good role models, and they can get that from non relatives. Some societies do not have the institution of marriage, kdis are raised by the mother’s family; some have one wife and multiple husbands, some are monogamous, etc.
Your husband does not respect you, nor care about you. Better to be alone than to be taken advantage of, and to be mistreated.
I am one of the many who had more than one DDay– first time I was gaslighted into believing nothing happened (no real evidence on my part); when he acted the same way 10 yrs later, I confronted, but was gaslighted AGAIN (because gee, he did not cheat before, so the same behavior just means time to work on the marriage again…) Then the third time he simply announced ILYINILWY (I love you but I am not in love with you…). I refused to give up after 18 years of marriage, so eventually in MC he admitted to the affairS with a capital S.
Silly me, I still wanted to at least try to rebuild the relationship by trying another 6 months. So very glad that did not happen.
It will take time, but face the fact that your husband is not the person he portrays himself to be.
A family should be composed of people who love & respect each other. That doesn’t require a mommy and a daddy if either one is an entitled jerk who has his/her foot on the throat of the other. Better the kids see the chump stand up.
This!
A BIG +2
HUH??? Surely you are being punked CL???
It’s so funny how they all use the same cheater playbook and we all keep falling for this. Mine had “the love of his life” too and lied to me when we were in therapy. He was supposed to break contact, said he did, but instead set up a secret facebook account and started using video chat to hide it from me.
Get out while you can, the lies won’t stop, he doesn’t love you, you are just convenient at the moment. He will eventually leave when he finds something better. It took me four years to get out of the mess, but believe me, it’s much better on the other side. No more lies.
The Wife, despite what the marriage counselor may say about how it’s “hard” for your husband to just cut off the OW, it’s bullshit. He is still having an affair. He doesn’t want a divorce, he just wants to keep having both of you. Saddam did that, wants to be single and married. Don’t let him disrespect you this way. He’s seeing what you will do, he’s testing you. If you stay with him when he refuses to do the one thing that YOU need to feel safe then he’ll keep doing it. He’ll find another love of his life – that isn’t you if the current one won’t reciprocate. I’ll bet he’s also told you how he “doesn’t want to hurt her”….he doesn’t give a shit if he hurts you though does he? Leave him, he’s not a unicorn, hes an asshole.
Jedi Hugs!
Staying with your husband here is NOT In the best interest of the kids. You are modeling dysfunction for them and grooming them to be chumps (or abusive narcissists). You are probably afraid of leaving him because you are afraid of being alone, which is understandable. But you will healthier psychologically without him in your life and thereby a better mother for your kids. BTDT.
Young
She was alone for a year with four children while he was with the OW. This to me is about power and control. And why didn’t he file? He was keeping her I for plan B
Not that I’m so much healthier here but my h is hanging around because he knows how serious I am that if he leaves this house he is NEVER coming back. Ever. He is dead to me. We have no kids no reason to stay in contact. He knows I’m the best GD thing to happen to him. He knows I’m better than he is he KNOWS he can’t find something better. WTF is wrong with these people?! I know who I am and what I want from life. How can you want excitement over a life with your person?! It makes me mad. That’s what’s helping me through this. I’m MAD! And I know he’s going to leave and regret it but it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make my life while again. It doesn’t get back all the time and effort I put into our marriage and saving for a condo and the ability to go do things together. It hurts me that he doesn’t want me enough to say no because of some whoremat that has sucked him in. But I can’t fix him. I can only do what’s good for me at this point. ☹️
Stay good and mad for awhile. It helps alot!